The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#466: Lawyers, Am I Right?

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

Stanhope traps 2 lawyers in the Funhouse to discuss hijinks on the road, Mesothelioma and just what is a big bladder?  We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Recorded Oct. 9th, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Dave Raider (@daveraider),  Valentina, Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 LINKS ALWAYS - Homelessness, human trafficking, and abuse have devastating consequences for young people. Losing the opportunity for a better life shouldn’t be one of them.  ALWAYS opens the doors to justice and opportunity by providing no-cost legal services for survivors of human trafficking and young people in Arizona impacted by homelessness, abuse, and the foster care system. 70% of our clients are women or girls. Get involved. Youth affected by homelessness, human trafficking, abuse, and the foster care system in Arizona need your help. Become a part of the ALWAYS team and help us improve access to justice for vulnerable youth today. - https://alwaysaz.org/ The World Record Podcast  - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast dave raider was just talking about child porn as he's want to do at a certain hour. Valentina Restrepo is here from the Always Foundation? Arizona Legal Women and Youth Services. Yeah, but it's always, is it a- 501c3 Nonprofit. Why do you always have to get so goddamn technical?

Alwaysaz.org. Yes. We were just talking about her. She's the CEO of the AlwaysAZ.com. No. Whatever. Say it the right way. AlwaysAZ.org.

I'm feeling better now that I'm doing this drunk. They deal with human trafficking. That's their, and homelessness and youth services. Is that the why? From always youth? Yeah. All right. See, I'm getting it now.

But Raider was just saying, as they talked about their similar businesses, Raider was saying your friend had a buddy of mine right out of law school he got a job as a public defender and his first case and we're 25, 26 years old, we're fucking kids

yeah that was bad you buried the lead yeah I did anyway we're young we're 25, 26, his first case was defending someone who was allegedly involved in child porn

and they made him watch a video and the video was child porn and he just like turned to me he's just like I don't know if I can do this because again we're we're very i gotta wash my words yeah quite young and that's one of the reasons first case yeah first case child porn and they make you watch the video well i mean he's defending i would assume yes the guy who yes yeah well yeah this is my train of thought. When you said that, Valentina used to work for the Florence Project.

And for a public defender's office. Where she worked, she is mentally ill, and she worked with mentally ill immigrant detainees. immigrant detainees. So why wouldn't you have a lawyer that was into child porn or at least understood it? So they would have to. All right. Yeah. I've seen this one.

Seen it a million times. Yeah. That's the dude. That's the dude. Like. No one's agreeing with you, Doug. The point is. Just keep keep digging she works with mentally no we understand the analogy i'm saying that she i mean could deal with it mentally

she could deal with mentally ill clients because she understood it. So why don't you have pedophile lawyers that go, oh, don't put the 25-year-old kid on this. I've seen a million of these things. Right. So you don't traumatize people. Why don't you want them? It's kind of like Silence of the Lambs. She goes to talk to the guy.

No, he's going to tell you how to fucking kill people because he killed people oh here's the inside of the way that way no one's traumatized except for jody foster those are two different things would you go to a pedophile to get information absolutely would you want him to be your lawyer no not if Not if you're a kid. This is not a custody battle. This is child porn. You go to, as the public defender, you go to the Hannibal Lecter guy of pedophilia to get the insight. Hopefully he's locked up as well. Yeah.

Hey, you watch this film. I'm 25. I thought I was just going to be like a personal injury guy with my face on a bus bench. Now I'm watching child porn and I don't like it. It's like a pinch hitter. Clearly the older guys

were like, I'm not taking that case. Take Mikey. It's like an entertainment lawyer who has a fucking lawsuit with young Sheldon. I don't want to sit. How many episodes do I have to sit through? Wait, I'll watch the child porn, but I'm not watching young Sheldon.

There's no fucking way. No respectable. I have to watch it straight through? 27 minutes? No self-respecting pedophile would look at young Sheldon and even get a twitch of an erection. Well, because, you know, they're all

Nazis. Welcome back to the podcast. I think we're starting this one over. Just keep plugging always. Always. AZ.org. AZ.org.

Wow. That's a way better acronym than your last job, which was FRIP or FERP or FRIP. Yeah, always is. I'm very impressed with how January did it. Arizona Legal Women and Youth Services, and it spells out always. January is the woman whose job you took over as the CEO. She's the founder, actually. The founder.

And outgoing CEO, yes. Her last day was actually Friday, which is why I'm freaked out now. Where'd she go? She is exploring other options. She ran for attorney general as a Democrat a couple of years ago. And right now isn't running again, but is looking at various things. She'll tell me about her day, as all of you do,

and you know how much I listen, and it was months she would... I go, January? It's already February. And she's like, no, January... It was a who's on first kind of slapstick with a wet-brained alcoholic and a fucking thriving attorney talking to each other.

January when? What? No, January. God damn it. Who was on first? Yes. No. So your mentor.

Yes. Has left you. Exactly. So now I have to figure it out by myself. And I used to ask her a million questions a day. And now I can't do that anymore. That's, yeah, going into a new job is like going back to do stand-up comedy after a fucking year and a half. Where you go, oh, I have to learn this

comedy business. You picked it back up. Yeah, I'm pretty happy with where it went. His new job that he's been doing for 25 almost 30 years. Yeah, but even when I was... I understand. Even when I was doing it straight,

if I had three days off, I had to go back and listen to sets. A year and a half off? Yeah, I'm fucked. Yeah, you're kind of, I wouldn't say it's a parallel move, but going from treating or treating. Representing. Representing. Representing mentally ill detainees in camps. Let's say concentration camps. I like that.

Yes. Yeah. Let's get fucking dirty with it. Now to going to a CEO position where you're more, you still have boots on the ground, but you're also doing fucking... Malpractice insurance and server issues. Yeah, all the legal shit that you have to do. Can you tell I'm redoing the first podcast?

Yeah, I didn't know we were doing that. Yeah, we're going to do three. We're going to do three. Well, no. Why would we do the same one again? I'm just getting in the bullet points and then we're going to go back to Dave Rader and fucking with him.

Alright. We'll do both. Let's go to Dave Rader then. Don't give me eyes. Give me a voice. I'm waiting for you to do something. You've got this, Doug. We had this until I told Chaley what I was up to. My internal hijinks.

I go, ah, maybe we'll just do this again. Only I'm funnier. You're going to put them both out. Give Patreon a bonus with the first one. Second Patreon. Where was I? Does anyone get their fucking eye on the prize

on this? Nope. I should just Bill burr this podcast i'll just talk to my fucking self while all of you stare at me i'm not your guiding light i am not it's the doug stanhope pod i know but i should be the jim norton of this oh this should be a fucking opium anthony with the fucking chalice and whoever else is here. And then I just chime in. I'm not a good guider of this podcast. I really haven't.

All I have to say is what I say on stage. That's it. And could I have a green chili beef shredded beef burrito? That's the only thing I need to say in life that's not part of my act. Everything else, if I have something to say, I write it in a notebook and I tell you that in Omaha. Other than that, excuse me, lo siento.

Pretty much all I have to say. Yes, For $4 more. One of my last drunken flights, multiple flights. Do you want to go? How about I go this one. Could I make

it a single for $4 less? That's going gonna laugh. Did you get your coupons? Yeah, I got my coupons. You had a bunch of stuff you bought on eBay that were hijinks for the world. Yeah, I have everything now. Okay. I have

me and Junior's Domino's uniforms with visors and the keep it hot package. That's a carry on. That's the insulated piece of bag. Yeah. So we can get on the flight and we're going to act like we don't know each other.

While we get on. Because you're in separate rows. Yeah. Separate rows in first class. Both wearing Domino's uniforms. And I'll go, oh, hey, Domino's. And then we're going to riff that. And I also

because I always wear when I travel, I always wear my suits, my 70s suits and I get some vintage Delta drink coupons and a 1985 USA Today I got off of eBay

so I can read in a 70s suit a 1985 fucking USA Today and see if anyone notices that Pete Rose broke a fucking record. And I can hand out 1983 drink coupons. Do you need one of these? Can't do the dominoes. There's no 1983 dominoes uniforms I could find.

But yeah, hijinks. I am loving the hijinks of the road. I am happy to be back on the road I'm happy to be working with the junior step and yeah

just fucking with people ixnay that thought we did talk about this i think the last podcast where like there's some shit i'm so happy to be on the road that i can talk about because we can't talk about a lot of things on the podcast and yeah i can talk to yeah you guys in a room it's a fucking AA meeting it's the anti AA meeting where what we say here let it stay here

or what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas yeah put your fucking phones away and I'll tell you some shit can't say it on the podcast but we're having fun Chaley's coming back for uh but we're having fun. Chaley's coming back for, oh, you're

going to go to the Texas gigs, you and Tracy. Yeah, we'll be there for those. And then Florida. And then, yeah, Skankfest, we'll just figure it out and bunk up. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. That's in Houston? We still don't know. No, that's Austin, right? Houston. Houston. Yeah, there's

no Austin on this. There's fifth, sixth, and seventh is Skank Fest. And you don't know what you're doing, but you're going to be there. Yeah, I'm just there. Yeah. We have no idea what's going on. You and every other comedian in America. Yeah, I don't think they have any idea what's going on.

I'm just going to be there. They don't know how to handle you. And then we go to Florida. Florida. We have I think we have more stories from Florida

than maybe anywhere else other than Anchorage that we've been. Together, yes. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Because I was living in Florida, and that's when I would see you,

and we would hang out. Yeah, that was... Before I was working for you. No, you were working for me. Hey-ya, hey-ya. I was working for Hedberg. Oh, when I slept in the dog cage yet again. Yeah, you were hanging out, staying there.

I mean, I wasn't on the payroll. You weren't? No. Oh, Jesus. Back pay. There's the lawyers. There's Rader and fucking Valentina chiming in with their law speak. You should start a fucking business together.

I'm not against it. I thought of that, actually. When Val was losing, completely losing her fucking mind in her last job, I was like, maybe I take the bar, start an immigration law firm.

I do the stuff that makes money. She does pro bono. Wait, maybe what you do is start one of those shitty Lerner and Rowe kind of billboards everywhere. Bus benches, billboards. You both have to get jacked up like Lerner and Rowe. Lerner and Rowe. Holding a sledgehammer. Yeah. Just douchebag personal injury attorneys,

but only for illegally trafficked immigrants in detainee camps. Did you get a DUI trying to flee an illegal alien detainee? I'm just riffing here. You see all those billboards swinging by. Yeah. That's a bit niche. What does it take to take the bar in Arizona? Oh, my God.

Fuck the bar in Arizona. Is it? The bar that I took. It asks you too many questions. What's with all the questions on this bar exam? I'm a woman of color, sort of. You have to pass the bar, but what's the prep for that? Is it a year?

Is it two years? No, a couple of months probably. A couple of months. I went to law school 2000 to 2003, so i don't remember any of it yeah but it's full time like it's not all work and study for two or three months it's all take three months off and work eight to six every day and try you have to watch a bunch of lectures memorize a bunch of outlines and then take a million practice tests. The LSAT?

The LSAT is the one to get into law school. Okay. So is there something like that when you go to, if you've already passed the bar somewhere else, to go into another state? I am totally fucked in Arizona because I can't transfer my Alabama bar in any way, even though I've been practicing over five years and over three years in Arizona, because they are just not reciprocal states. So I would have to retake the bar. It's absolute horseshit. Yeah. And I have a couple of years on bail. The bar that I took no longer exists. Okay. As a GED recipient. You earned it. I want to know how much, because you've both been out of law school for a while now,

how much of what you had to learn in law school is like elementary school or public school, where you go, I didn't need to know any of this shit to pass the bar. Like all the shit I needed to know to pass a GED, I couldn't pass a GED right now because it's not necessary. Is law school similar at all? You don't want to take bar classes in law school. You have to learn it all. I mean, Raider might disagree,

but you have to learn it all anyway for the bar. And in law school, like taking like commercial papers and corporations and tax. I mean, maybe taxes. I don't know. It depends on your track. It has to do. Yeah. Your track is, I mean, you're not going to have to talk in front of a jury if you're not taking that.

You're not interested in that kind of career. Exactly. And so in law school, you actually want to take classes that are going to prepare you for your career, like legal writing classes, like advocacy classes, and you get burnt out on the core classes, on the bar classes, because there are these huge exams and you can be taking classes where you're writing papers. And so it's just. I don't want to drop the mic in your face again with my GED, but to follow that up,

I also went to a real estate class and I got my real estate license when I was 18 in Florida. I did not know this about you. What? Is that true? Yeah. Okay. They sell them at the gift shop.

No. I did not know this about you. What? Is that true? Yeah. Okay. They sell them at the gift shop. No, when I moved out of LA to Florida with my mother, I took a real estate course. And because my mother was dating a real estate agent. if you get your license, I'll, and everything I learned, uh, other than the fucking teacher would always, uh, mispronounce similar as similar. And I could just focus on, no,

it's similar. I didn't say it. I was not a class clown. Now I'm an adult. I'm 18 and I'm taking a real estate course in a strip mall a few nights a week. And then once I got done with it, and I passed it because I memorized shit that I didn't need to know, then when I went to work as an intern for my mother's guy that was fucking her. I know.

Bruce. I remember his name is Bruce oh yeah the truck driver right no no this is a short term guy point being like nothing I learned in real estate school did I need to sell real estate

it's like if there was used car classes that taught you how to fucking, what a VIN number was and all this shit that... No, you would just have to lie to them. There's a bartending college. Wait, who would pay?

I know someone who went to bartending college. Why don't you just get a fucking day job at the airport hotel and be the bartender during the day where there's just three drinks a day that you make until you get the confidence to move on you're not gonna you you need to know everything about uh doing a lime fizz or you know some fucking gin fizz yeah the point is how much of the law that you learned was completely unnecessary i think part of what you're asking is how useless

is the bar um well how much how much useless information do you need to pass the bar? A ton. A ton of useless information. Because you're going to be practicing. I mean, immigration isn't even on the bar. No. So you could be practicing. I mean, I don't think family law is on the bar.

Not when I took it. It's like corporations and... Well, it's contracts, property, crim law, civ pro, evidence. I don't know, whatever. I'm missing torts. All the first year classes and maybe one or two tax...

Oh, you had commercial papers. Yes, pop torts. Pop torts. Oh my God. Pop torts is on there, the strawberry. Torts are the funniest. Torts are, you know, when people pull out a chair from under someone else and they fall in that lawsuit.

Torts is the best. All the guys you see on the benches that you're talking about, yeah, the injury attorneys, that's Torts. Could you make a decent living and live with yourself being a learner in row? I mean, I know- Learner in row type. The former? The former, yes.

Can I make a decent living? Absolutely. Live with myself? I don't know. Maybe not so much. Like doing your own local TV commercials? Right. Yeah.

Have you been hurt? At what point would you sell out and go, all right, I'll just bilk insurance companies? Who are bilking us? I guess it's not. Yeah. I mean, either of us could have done that a long time ago. Yeah. I would imagine, but it's not for me.

So, Val, maybe career change yeah hard kvap well uh you haven't been presented with an offer i'm gonna write a number down on this post-it pad 12 i'm gonna slide it to you you're gonna go oh I sold out. No, there was a lot of money in it because the lawyer will generally get, I think, 30%, right? Yeah. In addition to. Is that set? Generally. Basically, yeah.

Or is it just an industry standard? Industry standard. So if you settle a case for a million dollars, you get $300,000. You get 30% on top of that. Okay, so say you were a mesothelioma. Right. And let's not just get into Tracy's fucking face. Cause this,

the fucking t-shirts I want. Mesothelioma with a fucking dollar sign on the S in mesothelioma. You have it? I don't have that one. You don't have it. Well, know what? Christmas better come fucking early for a little Doug Stanhope,

or you're both fired. We have another one coming. It's not me, so maybe I'll order it. All right. Well, don't even lie to me yet again. The idea that... God damn it, I lost my train of thought. Sex!

Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Keep your balls off your legs and such sex underwear don't have sweaty balls is that good? I don't know I think it's the alcohol

yeah oh yeah the class action lawsuits like where you'd say oh I'll sign up for this class action lawsuit and then at the end of fucking 50 years of mesothelioma has been going on those commercials have been going on since you the listener were a fucking baby you were a fetus you were a fucking conjoined twin and those fucking commercials are still going on and i thought the same way we didn't sell masks the first thing uh bird cloud mckenzie from bird

cloud said yeah we're gonna make bird cloud masks for this pandemic and and i thought well it'll be over by the time yeah you didn't want to do it we yeah i didn't want to do it because i thought it's a fucking fleeting thing it lasted longer than bird cloud they were already broken up they were going to get back together just to sell masks and they never got around to it you know what the problem was doug is that i looked into it i had a really fucking cool design of the killer termite logo on a black mask and it like was covering like three quarters of the mask awesome twelve dollars a piece yeah and there's and the cheapest price i could get me the my cost was like eight or or $9 a piece. And it was just a cotton, you know, a cotton covering, not an N95.

Yeah, but no one gives a fuck anymore. Now people just wear a bandana and they're like, whatever, as long as you have it. They don't allow bandanas on planes. Bullshit. You try to lie to me about this. It's true. No, it's not true. They announce it when you're boarding the plane.

Sports arenas, most sports arenas. Well, you fly Southwest, and they don't serve alcohol or serve bandanas. I fly a different level of flying. I have a flight attendant tell someone, if you're going to wear either like the, what's that thing you wear? Gator. Like a gator or a bandana, you have to have an N95 or a mask underneath it. I've heard of flight attendant. Which I'm so glad they're starting to do that.

Like not just letting someone roll in with a huge bag. And they go, you're going to have to check that. It's like, you know who's supposed to say that? The gate agent. Not the flight attendant. That's the last person. It should be at the ticketing window. So, not to say you're wrong, Doug, because people do get on point like that.

Yeah, no. I fly a quality airline that still serves alcohol to everybody, not just first class. American Airlines and Southwest Airlines have pushed no alcohol for coach. Well, I guess Southwest is all coach. Yeah. But until January 2022, and I'm flying junior on that using my miles. I had United miles and American miles, so I'm flying junior to the gigs using pretty much out of those miles now.

Other airlines, not Delta. Not Delta. Delta people are fucking strong people. We persevere in the face of adversity. And we can drink normally without getting fucking in someone's face and flipping out and opening up an emergency exit and sliding down a thing.

I can't wait to get back on stage because right now I'm being fucking silly. On stage I haven't. I had a week off and it was brilliant. I had one week off and it was brilliant. I had one week off and quarantine. Don't let the days go by.

Quarantine. Crosswords. Squandered it. Squandered my quarantine. Yeah, what did you do while we were gone? Here? Yeah. Nothing.

Yeah? Yeah, I got pretty drunk. And Raiders stopped by when I called him. Yeah, no, I went to. Raiders. I was here for one football, and tomorrow will be the second football Sunday. Two football Sundays I'm going to get to watch in the funhouse before I have to go back out there

to those evil, evil fucking zombies out there. And after Sunday football won, Raiders said, yeah, I think I'm going to take a little bit of a break this week. And I said, I am too. Which

meant I'm going to get drunk by myself. And I'll raid. I am too, which meant I'm going to get drunk by myself. And then fucking Raider. Finally, I capitulated and called Raider. Yeah, Thursday I came over. We had a couple of cocktails. Not too much. But I had to do Chrissy Mayer's podcast that day.

And I was at 3 p.m., 6 p.m. her time. And I started drinking mimosas 45 minutes before. Then I started drinking straight whiskey. I was fucked. Wait, pre-podcast you were already drinking whiskey? No, three mimosas before. I was going. Wait, pre-podcast you were already drinking whiskey? No, three mimosas before with Reverend Derek's fresh squeezed pomegranate juice. And then after three of those, it's straight up acid reflux. And then I just grabbed a bottle of Bushmills because when you're doing a Zoom podcast with Chrissy Mayer, you can't

just get up out of the fucking dining room, whatever we call that, and go get ice. So I had all my shit set up and then I got fucking by 4.49 I believe was the last I saw like, how long is this

podcast going on with one eye open? Well, yeah, you called me and I said I'd come over, but I don't think you're going to be awake for very long. But I came over anyway. And you actually, you were a trooper. You stayed up. Yeah, I was up and down. I fell down, but then Bingo agreed to watch The Platform.

That fucking horrible movie. That movie's amazing. Yeah. Hang on. I love you. Hang on. I'm getting... I'm trying to replace this. They're in a pink room bed. Thank you. Tracy recognized

we're out of cigarettes. I wonder why. What? I got that. I got that. So you want to why. I got some. So, you want to watch the platform? I don't know how... I was out of my fucking mind drunk.

And it's like 7, 8 o'clock at night. And so I put it on and bingo, of all people, watched a movie. I can't watch movies. I can only watch documentaries.

And that's recent. I can't watch anything on TV except for Pimple Popper. Now, then she got into murder documentaries. I can't watch movies. You got to watch. And she watched and read The Platform, which is, again, my favorite movie of all of... Subtitle.

COVID. Yeah. It's a foreign film? Yeah, it's a... From Spain. From Spain. I've been saying Portugal, but they're the same thing. Insignificant. I mean, better countries, bigger countries speak the language.

It's like herpes. Spain used to be a powerhouse, and they spread their language like herpes to all these other countries. And now those other countries that speak Spanish are more important than Spain. countries that speak Spanish are more important than Spain. Because who even fucking, other than the Barcelona song, Holiday in Spain, by the Counting Crows, how else would you know Spain even existed? Well, because every other country that you invaded and raped.

So the herpes part, the herpes analogy that I'm trying to. There's Real Madrid. Cigarettes'm trying to here's Real Madrid you mean Barcelona Real Madrid Bingo watched a fucking movie the whole way through with subtitles which is the exact opposite of anything Bingo would

ever possibly do and loved it that movie's amazing it was my second or third time watching it. So the next day I called Dave Rader and I'm bragging about what my retarded wife did. And I go,

you haven't seen it, Dave Rader? A retarded lady did it. Why don't you watch it? And then I said, and then call me back. Yeah, watch it and call me back. I hung up. Wow.

So, 90 minutes later, I get a phone call from Dave Rader going, hey, what's up? You owe me 90 minutes. I said, for what? Because I already forgot that I hung up on him. No, you didn't even say that. You said you didn't like it, and I said, no already forgot that I hung up on him. No, you didn't even say that. You said you didn't like it.

And I said, no. And then you hung up on me. And then. As Bingo's yelling in the background, because I have you on speakerphone. She's going, you didn't like it. You're never welcome at our house again. I didn't hear that. And then 20 minutes later, you show up at my door, I guess.

And actually, you slammed your car door so hard, I thought somebody kicked my door. I screeched my tires on purpose in front of your house. This house is fucking like four blocks away. And I screeched my tire. It came in hot. But before you got to the door, I was there because I thought somebody kicked my door. And I went to my door to see, like, I think there might be trouble. I was going to kick your door, but you were already there because-

Because of the noise you made. Yeah. Yeah. A car going by. No. No. Suspicious. It wasn't a car going by.

It was you making a shitload of noise. So I came to the door, I opened the door and you go, you started screaming at me. I go, you tell her to her face you didn't like that movie. She, I read every word in that movie. You tell me. And he's like doing this to like quiet down my neighbors. I have neighbors. And then you realize you don't really have neighbors from that angle.

And then we just gave you shit for not liking that movie. And then Raider goes into this, I don't need fucking social, fucking whatever stuff. I was like, I don't like symbolism fucking shoved down my throat. It was very, all right. It was very obvious what they were doing

and obvious being the operative word because you saw the movie, you know, the word obvious. I think they watched the whole thing. Well, the word obvious is a very strong point of the movie. Right? The older guy? No, you kept

telling us this as he's trying to defend his critique of the platform. You guys are doing it still on the porch? I go, shh, quiet. Yeah, but the bottom floor is 3-3-3. That means it's 6-6-6-8. No, I don't notice symbolism.

I have a whole bit about not noticing fucking symbolism. Yeah, the bottom floor is 3-3-3. There are two prisoners per floor, so it's 6-6-6. You're in hell. I get it. You don't like capitalism. I get it. It was just shoved down your throat.

No, it was about sharing and shit and being a fucking decent person. That's what I got. Community outreach. Yeah, exactly. Like always. It was a couple of guys. AZ.com. AZ.com.

I don't know what it is. Maybe by the end of it. It's what? Always AZ.org? Yes. All right. Oh, I'm sorry. Are you'll get it. It's what? AlwaysAZ.org? Yes. All right. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you against that? Is that not capitalist? No. What? Cannibalist? Capitalist. Capitalist.

No. Yeah. No. I don't like movies where I get it. I get what you're doing. It's very, very obvious

and I don't like being fucking I don't like being patronized. He hates bats. Yes. He hates everything. It was very...

No, there are a lot of things that I love. He likes Miller Lite. I love Miller Lite. Why are you drinking a water, you... Fandango. I'm going to slur my words on the podcast. Fandango. Thanks, Tracy.

Tracy gave me a beer. Yeah, yeah. Listen, all you have to do is make up a new word and then wait for them to tell you that's not something you can say. I thought you were quoting Toast. What was that called, Tracy? The Great Little Toaster? No, Toast.

The guy is Clem Fandango? Uh-huh. Okay. You're not quoting that? Toast. I like Toast. The guy is Clem Fandango. Uh-huh. Okay. You're not calling that? I like Toast. I like Toast. And right now, I'm so in love with you. Oh, fuck.

I was just going to go piss. God damn it. All right. Well, let's talk about Chaley behind his back. He would give up no fucking exclusive information on our last podcast about what really happened at Death Valley. And he kept saying, I don't know. I don't remember.

He was saving it for issues. No, no. He said they're shit canning an episode of issues with Andy because of something. And he can't even figure out what. He said he did a bunch of shrimps. Why does he... Is he like in charge of that

podcast? He's co-in charge. Co-in charge? Because like if he decided I'm not going to drop this episode of a Doug Stanhope podcast.

He doesn't get to make that decision for issues. No, absolutely not. But then why does he do so much goddamn work on it? It's just always up here. Cha-cha-cha-cha, clack, clack, clack. I'm editing. I'm editing in the middle of the night. I'm editing in the morning.

It's not even your podcast. He's working on yours the last two days. I'm coming back now. All right, you can talk. Entry in the room. All right, I gotta go pee now. I'm coming back now. All right, you can talk. Entry in the room. All right, I gotta go pee now. Can we do a break? All right.

No, I'll pee and you guys can talk behind my back. I won't be listening. I'll be trying to, but I have very small ears. On a giant head. On a giant head. This episode is brought to you by the World Record Podcast. Go to worldrecordpodcast.com. Watch the videos.

Join the Patreon. It's the funniest podcast in the world. Check it out. They're trying to get a headstone. Yeah, this is a headstone company. Are there rules with headstones, sir? The rules are determined by the cemetery the person's barrier he wants to write something on the headstone basically he wants to write eat shit linda on the oh right tombstone it says hydroplaning to heaven eat shit They're... I...

I've never... Yeah. So go to worldrecordpodcast.com. Watch all the videos. Join the Patreon. Listen to all the episodes. Just do it. Hello, it's me, Hellman.

Who's this? Hellman. Hellman. Who's Hellman? I'm me. I'm Hellman. World Record! Who's Hellman?

I'm me. I'm Hellman. World record! Did you fully pee or did you dug in? Yeah, we're back. That was a lot of pee. That was a lot of pee. My God.

When I pass, Jaylee, because everything is left to you, will you save my bladder? Make a purse out of it? No, to see. I think my bladder could... I don't know if there's a

Guinness book world record of the most stretched out, bloated bladder. Yours is huge. It's got to be huge. I think that's what most of my gut is because, you know, I don't eat food much, but I have the most distended belly, and I think it's all bladder.

And I would love, if nothing else, I could leave a mark on this world of the most, like, nine children birthing woman's fucking uterus. Yeah, Octomom. I have the Octomom bladder. All right. Yeah, Octomom. I have the Octomom bladder. All right. So, Guinness Book of World Records does have the largest bladder stone. So, there's a bladder stone weighing 4 pounds, 2.88 ounces, and measuring 7 inches long. How many stone is that?

One. Three quarters of a stone. 12.7 inches. No, five inches thick and 3.7 inches tall. Was removed from Jose de Castro de Silva. Tall? Age 63. Did you say tall? The dimension of the stone.

Yeah, but... He was 3.7 inches tall. But you would say length, not how tall a bladder stone was. It's not walking around. It was 5 inches thick and 3.7 inches tall.

Yeah, it was a foot long. As a lady, Valentina, do you look at a bladder stone at length or weight? Girth. Do they have the longest P in there? Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, because he's got some really long P's.

There is a... Getusworldrecords.com I'll wake up to piss and I will sit there with my eye mask on reviewing my dreams and not get up to piss for another two to three hours.

And then it's just a fucking miracle of piss. You know what? Maybe we should play in a league of their own. It really is. You know what we should do? We should submit this to Guinness.

Have Doug, and we'll do the running time. This is longest pee. I don't think that anything's going to beat that Costa Rican one. But who gets the credit? My bladder or my prostate? Do, do, do, prostate? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You get the credit.

I get the credit eventually because it's my bladder or prostate, but what's holding that in while I continue to dream? We can dream.

Doug, we can submit an application, and we can also invite someone to come out and judge. I love that for Christmas, Greg. Well, here's the thing. I believe it's the prostate. Well, here's our medical man. You. Me? Yeah, you're fucking... He's the prostate. Well, here's our medical man. You. Me?

Yeah, you're fucking. He's certified now. He's certified in a lot of things. Yeah. When I piss for an extended length of time, if you're old enough to remember Revenge of the Nerds part whatever, where they have the belching contest. And they extend these belches. My piss would last that long.

But that's also because it's like after you try to piss after you fuck. And it's just like, because your prostate or something in there is all fucking wedged up from you came, but you were fucking drunk and holding a piss, and then you came, and now your prostate's all ginked up, so you're just squirt. Is this how you think the body works? Yes. Kind of right. I don't think the prostate is jammed up in anything.

No. Well, unless you had a fucking working on it while you're trying to cum. But yeah, trying to piss. Wait, hang on. You can't tell me I'm the weird guy here. That trying to piss right after you come is not a thing that you've ever experienced? Dave Raiders only had sex

three times in his life and it was... Recently. At his own hand. I'm still waiting to meet the right girl. You drink beer. You have to know what I talk about. Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of, sort of. He went off into just a bout of insanity. No, I'm saying when you try to piss after you come, it's hard to work out. Not for you. You don't have a prostate, lady. You're trying to influence the jury here. We haven't checked

her. She may. Thank you. It's probably someone else that she stole. I do know what you're talking about. I don't know why. It's not one of the things that Alright, you know what I'm talking about. I don't know why. It's not one of the things that... All right, you know what I'm talking about. You could have left it at that. Edit.

Edit. I, yeah, whatever holds my piss in works fantastically. That would be your bladder. Wow. It's not your bladder. It's not your bladder. It's not your bladder. If your prostate is swollen. This is why women have to get their fucking noses out of men's bodies.

Well, if your prostate is swollen, yeah, it's hard to pee. So I don't know. We also have to pee more often. You're famous, true. I don't know. We also have to pee more often. You're famous, true. But you are famous for being able to take these,

to go many, many, many hours without and then taking a very, very long bathroom break. Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah. Like, especially when we're sharing a hotel room so everyone can hear how long you're pissing. It's astounding. When Tracy and I first started recording, I was telling her,

I want to get a video of Doug passing by me and then him go into the bathroom so you don't see him. You just saw what he did. And then right when that fucking stream hits, throw a time code up and just let it run all the way through. I've timed my pisses earlier

on. When I was a beer drinker it was way better. But I was over two minutes straight stream. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I was doing my own Guinness book because fuck you Guinness book and your

pr-pr-pr- and your prudy Christians? Christians. You're trying to talk law. I don't know what you're trying to say. No. Your mouth doesn't know what you're trying to say. Point being,

I could piss for a long time. All right. You want to hear why the prostate and you want to hear what's going on here? Yes, I do. All right. So your question is, repeat your question and I'll tell you what the answer is. Is it my bladder or my prostate that allows me to sleep so long while I need to piss but don't piss?

That wasn't the question at all. And then when he wakes up, he has a really long piss. I thought the question was after sex. Oh, well, that goes. That was a side note. Oh, that's what I looked up. That's easier than what you just tried to ask. Well, answer that one real quick.

The prostate where semen is stored sits directly below the bladder. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Slow down. That's where semen is stored in your prostate? Is that what you said? Yes. I didn't know that. It's a learning show.

Wow, I thought I had to jack off. I could have just reached into my prostate and chucked it into the towel right away. Well, it seems to come from my hand because that's where it goes. Skip the middle man. The urethra exits the bladder and goes through the middle of the prostate. During ejaculation, a part of the urethra that's inside the prostate opens to allow the semen to pass into. It's like a one-way street. You can only have one of those pathways is open at a time.

Oh, it's like your uvula breathing and swallowing. Jesus. I should try to breathe out of my fucking prostate. The prostate opens to allow semen to pass into the urethra and cut out of the body. Obviously, I forgot to say through the fingertips. Slow down. Relax. Obviously, the opening of the bladder must be closed while this is

taking place. It's closed all the time except while urinating, but it is prevented from opening while ejaculating. It often takes a bit for the mechanism that keeps it closed to relax and return to normal. Wow. That's why you guys don't pee in us all the time. Oh, I

do. I do. Only to... It's also out of respect. That's why we... Human trafficking. That's why we get victims of human trafficking and go, listen, I'm just washing you out.

Trust me. And then you have the interpreter. Go, your hour's up. Oh, boy. All right, we came full circle. Filter's off. I should go to hell. I meant bed, but I said what I meant.

I should go to hell. I meant bed, but I said what I meant. Go to the store and get me fat-free milk. You have fat-free milk in the store? No, it's at the Safeway. Oh, well, then you have to use it. Nah, I hate the use. Do you want to use it or not? Yes, I do.

I'm telling you, I hate it. Yes, I do. I hate it. Always is a fantastic organization that helps homeless, youths, and women's trafficking. There's no fucking T in always. Where's the trafficking come in? You'll find the link in the thing that Chaley puts out. Description.

I think when you're talking about alwaysaz.org, trafficking isn't the thing that's in the acronym. It's under the umbrella of alwaysaz. That's one of the many things that they do to assist. Happy birthday to you. Valentina's down here for her 32nd birthday?

Yep. CEO at 32. Hey, listen to that, losers. Hey, you listeners that have never done anything with your lives. This is a sober girl who's a CEO defending all these fuck-ups and fucked-withs. He means fucked-withs.

Fucked-withs. Yeah, changed it up. Yeah, what did you do today? Nothing. You did nothing. And I agree with you. Doing nothing is way better than helping the world. Because the world is fucked.

And the world will never change. But kids, they don't know it. These kids. It's my 32nd birthday. Happy birthday, Valentina. Thank you for trying to change the world that I've already assumed is done and over with. And I hide behind a fence with a cocktail and some friends. One day you will be here and you'll go, fuck them all.

Thank you for having me. be here and you'll go, fuck them all. Thank you for having me. We get a lot of kid listeners that care about the things you care about. It's just my time is over. I've gotten to an age where I'm never going to learn a new thing. I'm never going to have good abs. I'm done. But you are fighting the fight that I used to fight, but with knowledge

and actual... We have kid listeners? Well, to me... If you're a kid, your parents are fucking failures. No! What, some nine-year-old listening to the Doug Stano podcast?

If he's bored with porn... Yeah, your parents failed you. We've had some young kids show up at the shows. Yeah. Remember? You had a 16-year-old kid with his parents. Yeah. Yeah.

Mace Galoney. Yeah. He was underage just to get... Is it Canada? No, he came to Tucson. Yeah. He was underage just to get... Is it Canada? No, he came to Tucson. Yeah. His dad, who's now, God rest his soul, dead as shit. And he's trying to...

He was Canadian and now he's London. And he was supposed to show up to do some shit in Philadelphia and haven't heard back from him. I live my life one day at a time, just like the program of Alcoholics Anonymous preaches, one day at a time. And I don't know where the fuck I'm going to be the day after tomorrow. No, where the fuck I'm going to be the day after tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm going to be watching football. The day after, I have to pack and leave. But that's another day's problem.

One day at a time, you get drunk, you do a podcast, you yell at your friends, you try to make people feel feeble while they tell you that you're drunk and you shouldn't be on a podcast. That's today. Today's problems deal with them in the moment. Don't deal with them. Don't try to expect what the future has to bring. Enjoy it with childlike wonderment. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow

other than the Jets and Falcons start at fucking 6.30 in the morning because they're in London. I'm so worried about fucking going back through fucking Heathrow. That's like five months away, four months away.

I know. But I did it when I went through fucking gibraltar i know that's why that's why you have to dismiss that dismiss that am i gonna have to fucking quarantine for 14 days at heathrow i have no idea but it's not my problem. That's future me's problem. Future me doesn't really exist in my head. This is where one of you is supposed to talk back to me.

You brought your chin up and you took a starlet puff on that cigarette your chin up and you took a starlet puff on that cigarette and we thought you were punctuated. I thought you were punctuated with something else you were going to finish with. Same. Terrible. Terrible guests. Terrible producer. And the only friend

I have is Tracy who has not said a bucket thing to support me. That works. Way to motivate. I would so kill at your job. I would be tracking down fucking child traffickers. I would be going so over the top.

I would be reading books about being a ceo i would just take people's money i would beat people to death in a fucking rest area toilet and going yeah you're gonna die but all the money i take out of your wallet is going to always what's the always az.org always az.org yeah here's your org i'm taking your fucking money this is probably not the way about you can get the website in there yeah yeah yeah but it's right but beating people to death in a rest area toilet is not the way to donate. The way you can donate is to go through the donate button on alwaysaz.org. Yeah. Don't beat someone to death and take their wallet.

Well, they didn't have any cash, but they had a Mervin's credit card. Can I donate that? No. You can't. You can't do that. cash, but they had a Mervin's credit card. Can I donate that? No. No, go to Mervin's and get gift certificates and then flip those. You get a $50 gift certificate, you get $25 for it, now you've got cash. But don't do

that either. What's your advice, Raider? Go to Ross or Marshalls. This podcast is sponsored by Flying J Pilot. Loves all the truck stops out there that are trying to stop human trafficking. Number 32, your shower is ready. Worsher out.

I hope you guys have been drunk with us. And tomorrow, we don't remember a thing. Who could possibly take us out of this? Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. សូវាបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.