The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#468: Hotel Breakfast Buffet Hack (AD FREE)

Episode Date: November 6, 2021

Doug's hotel breakfast buffet hack, a major issue with a minor airline, and the Baggage Myth explained. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Recorded Nov. 5th, 2021 in a Hilton at Skankfest South in Houston, TX with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Stageman Underwear - Stageman Underwear is ergonomically enhanced first layer gear for men. It's innovative design gently lifts the male genitals up and away from the legs for maximum performance and comfort. Go to www.Stageman.com and use Promo Code 'STANHOPE' to save 10% on your order.  Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. Yeah, I'm not in a hurry. Jesus Christ. I just want to look at myself and marvel at the fact that I'm alive. reported. Somebody once asked could I spare a little cash. Maybe that's how I opened the podcast. Singing? No. By asking questions

that need to be asked. Yeah. No. Are we recording? Yeah Do you have rhetorical questions or are they going to be directed at people in the room? No. Are we recording? I'll just ask Oh, you're wearing that sharp jacket. I'm so glad I didn't

burn that one Alright. Here we go Are you smoking in the room? Yeah I'm smoking in the goddamn room. Does it look like we're outdoors? It's Sk? Yeah, I'm smoking in the goddamn room. Does it look like we're outdoors? It's Skank Fest, and I'm a goddamn diamond medallion member now. What are they going to do? I'm here for four days.

Do you think they're going to smell this cigarette in four days from now? Just kidding. I'm a little peachy. I woke up the first morning of Skank Fest feeling a little peachy, a little fuzzy. Tracy, can we get a tissue for Doug's? Don't, don't! Why? You're just smearing it. Why? I don't have... There's a huge booger hanging out of your nose.

Then why don't you just grab it? Because I didn't have my booger grabber. I left it in the car. The inchworm will get it. The inchie will get it. I felt booger snarty last night, and I was thinking, I can't keep picking up my nose like this.

Yeah, I'm not in public. It's going to look like I'm doing coke. I don't even know if there's even drugs anymore. I thought, how am I going to get through Skank's Fest? And I go, I'm not doing coke. That's one thing for sure. And I go, I don't know if anyone does coke. There's a trash can right here.

Oh, he's checking. No, I wasn't checking. I was looking for a trash can. That's right. I don't know if people do anything like that. Underneath. Oh, he's checking. No, I wasn't checking. I was looking for a trash can. That's right. I don't know if people do anything like that. Shit, I just talked it over. All right. Skank Fest is like, we're in Houston, and it's like 100 comedians.

And it's the kind of festival where no one is expecting to get a deal or meet an agent. No work comes out of it. There's no networking here. There's a lot of one-upsmanship from what I've seen. There's a yearbook. We're in it. We were here in 2016. We weren't here.

It was in Brooklyn then. This is Skankfest South. How many years have they done this? Somebody once asked, could I spare some change for gas? I've got to get myself out of this place. And he said, yeah, hey, what a concept. I could use a little change myself, and we could all use or fuel myself, and we could all use a little change.

And they fucking – I've actually tweeted at, I think, that Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth. Like, did you give him fucking money or not you he he gave you this giant revelation but you never fucking finished the tale of whether or not you gave that motherfucker change for gas did you turn it into some buddhist fucking thing and then go oh what a concept and left the guy fucking hanging at a flying J truck stop, and they won't answer my fucking question. I'm sorry. You said, what do I have for notes?

And I go, I'm going to start out with that, because for some reason that song was in my head. Can we get another tissue, Tracy? Really? No, stop. Am I creating booger snorts as I sing? You just pushed it on the side of your nose now. Oh, for Christ's sake.

Where was the booger snort the whole time? If it was on the other side, I wouldn't have seen it. But it's on this side. I gotta look at it. My eye keeps darting from your... I know, but just wipe down my booger snort. Unkept eyebrows to your fucking boogery nose. Oh, my God. Why don't you have Tracy do my eyebrows?

You have to make an appointment. I have a full day. Okay, this is what happens. We're in Houston, and we're at Skankfest, and we're at the Hilton's Americas. The Hilton Americas. It's one of those really fancy downtown Hilton's. It's a skyscraper. Then we're on the 175th floor or something,

and everything, like a margarita is like $14.95. Anyway, so I've always had the problem where once I wake up in a hotel, I have to go find the breakfast situation before I miss something for free. And I know there's nothing free here. Even though I'm a diamond member of the Hilton organization. I think it's honors. Yeah, Hilton honors. You don't give away the secret codes.

I don't know the initiation yet. But I had to go down to Breakfast Switch. They go, oh, it's a buffet, and it's open until 11. And you go, oh, that's going to be like $40 for a fucking buffet. So I went in basically the exit of the buffet and got a made-to-order omelet. And the way you get it free is you don't sit down. If you go in the exit and you just put your fucking made-to-order omelet in, and while they're making it, you can go tool around and just pick off the buffet

and eat a pineapple or a slice of sausage or bacon. But you're standing there with a plate. Well, they have your plate. But you're per there with a plate. Well, they have your plate. But you're perusing the buffet line. And then you get all the things that you like. And then you get your omelet. And then you just keep going. Go right at the exit.

And grab the last pair of silverware off the last table. And get right on the elevator. I think it's free. Maybe it wasn't. I mean, I'm not saying I was stealing. It's not like you didn't bring your wallet. Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying I was stealing. I don't know. It's not like you didn't bring your wallet. Yeah. I mean, it didn't say exit.

It just seemed like an incongruent way to enter. Is that a word? I might have nailed that one. It works, I guess. So you had an omelet. Yeah, I just had my free breakfast skank omelet. We're missing for this. And I really wanted to do skank parade.

This is the first, technically the first day. They had the opening like rush week, whatever you call it. Parents Day last night? Yeah, they had Parents Day. What was that? It was at a place. Is that where the whole thing is taking place? Yeah.

Secret Garden? Yeah, so it's a multi-stage venue. The Secret Group. Secret Group. Yeah. Yeah. It's got four venues in one venue. And a roof cup.

Yeah. What is that? Outdoor. I don't know. I didn't see all of it. There's the main room, the karaoke room, the, oh yeah, the stand-up room where you did a set, and then upstairs is the podcast. Let's talk about fucking Mike Birbiglia.

What a dick. What? Mike Birbiglia. You know, first it was Pete Holmes, all these nice guys. Pete Holmes never aired our podcast. Even when we did a podcast about Pete Holmes not airing my podcast episode that I did of his podcast. And now this Mike Berbiglia

got a fucking... And I'm off Twitter. And every time I just look at Twitter once, it's like something that upsets me. And Berbigs got on a fucking flight. You know those stories where someone gets on a plane and it's empty?

They just happen to accidentally book one guy on a they have to make the flight yeah they were supposed to they were deadheading anyway because the plane has to be in minneapolis and he got one he got one of those empty flights like you're you're famous or semi-famous and you get to have one of those famous people only happens to one person stories and it was on fucking american Airlines who just fucked me so hard. I've been flying for 30 years and American Airlines is the worst. You know, it's the Indiana of airlines.

It's the, yes, it's, it's, and you can say, yes, spirit and frontier, but spirit and frontier say, Hey, listen, we're going to fuck you. Do you want to party? You know what you're getting into, Spirit. We're going to fuck you at every angle. And it's like they're a joke airline. But as far as American is supposed to be a decent airline, I've been forgetting to put that in that bit.

You've got to remember, American Airlines were first into the Twin Towers. That's right. And that's for a reason, because terrorists... That was the only time they were ever on time. American Airlines, I leave early to go on these stupid tours. I leave a day early, and sometimes I have to leave a day early to leave a day early, meaning I have to go up from Bisbee to stay over in Tucson to leave from Tucson the next morning to get to the gig a day early. So I don't miss gigs. So I left early. I had a flight out of American Airlines and they made national news.

Leaving Tucson. Yeah, I was leaving Tucson on American Airlines. Leaving Tucson. Yeah, he's leaving Tucson on American Airlines. And they just fucked. Southwest did this a few weeks ago. Famously, yeah. And famously, that weekend, American Airlines canceled like 1,500 flights. Actually, it was like 1,900 by the time the whole weekend was over. Because the day they fucked me.

I never fly American. But I wanted the non-stop and i wanted to burn miles and i was meeting up with junior in dallas they had a non-stop flying american yeah that's one of you city comics you motherfuckers that you get non-stop flights i never unless i'm playing atlanta yeah or i'm playing tall lake there's no non-stops out of tucson so uh so i go fuck it i have some old miles from american from a credit card that i could burn and get a non-stop and i knew uh i'm gonna get fucked every time i fly american airlines i get fucked and they do it with a frown and and they rub salt into your wound. So I book it. Then I read the story

how they just famously fucked over the weekend because they say weather and then they say mechanical. You really, you had 1,500 flights with mechanical. Yeah. It's understaffing is the problem. If it was mechanical, then every

airline that had that same plane. Well, Americans still, they don't serve alcohol because they had so many fucking fat heads throw temper tantrums on their airlines. Well, that comes from the top down. Delta still serves alcohol, still has no problems because they treat their fucking employees right. And then their employees aren't constantly fucking angry and taking it out on you to make you throw fucking temper tantrum to where they go. They blame alcohol. No, blame your own stupid fucking cut face. You motivate people to throw temper tantrums because you're treated poorly.

It's like child abuse. You know what? Abuse people that were victims of abuse. They pass it on to the customer. So here's what I did. The brilliant move, Chaley. What I did is I go, oh, they're canceling flights out to Yahoo. 24 hours you have to cancel a flight. So I had a 3.30 p.m. departure on American. And I go, I'm going to safeguard myself. inside of 24 hours. I'm going to book the 445 on Delta that has a connection. And that way I'm safeguarded and I can cancel at the last

minute. Once I know that America is on time, I can call Delta and cancel it. Brilliant. Then as I'm checking my bags into the American Airlines flight early that afternoon, As I'm checking my bags into the American Airlines flight early that afternoon, three hours early, I went, oh, I just checked my bags in. I'm fucked. Three hours early. But on time, on time, on time. I'm at the bar. I'm at the other bar.

At some point, I go, I got to call Delta. This is the other problem, is now when you call the airline, because they're all understaffed, they don't pick up the phone. We can give you a call back in 38 minutes. Yeah, no, it used to before the pandemic. They don't have that now? Well, yeah, they used to go. Well, no, thank you for calling back, Douglas. Your call will be answered in approximately 47 minutes. If you'd like an automatic call back, you won't lose your place in the line like they used to go straight to yeah yeah diamond medallion

double diamond diamond hilton diamond delta diamond double diamonds i'm smoking in a room and i get a free omelet without even asking for it. Yeah. Complimentary. So, all right. It's getting close. I better call Delta now to cancel that other flight because it's going to be a while before I get a call back. I canceled the other flight. As soon as I canceled, American delayed. Sitting at the bar. It's Tucson.

I'm 100 yards from the gate, but you can't see it how long till the flight takes off um all right about an hour 45 minutes or something i've already canceled delta but i'm watching the board say delayed now i'm like oh i i i got this but you're at the mexican restaurant yeah yeah so you're at the other end of the concourse or the jetway from. Still 100 yards. Yeah. And then it says boarding. And I go, I better go.

But I'm not in a hurry. There was this old myth that I've myth busted that once you check bags, they're not going to leave without you. They can't. Yeah. They can't leave. Or they have to take your bags off. So that was the myth that I busted. Did Hennegan tell us that?

I thought you told me that. I think Hennegan told me that. He's like, no, you check a bag because they have to wait for you. And I always, we all, you, when we're in the bar, sitting right across from our gate in Delta flights in Tucson, you're like, oh, no, we'll just go on last. Yeah. Because they can't get rid of us because their bag is there.

And that made sense for why you occasionally, Mr. Thomas Jones, please report to your gate. And you keep hearing one person's name. Who gives a fuck? They wouldn't leave me. They never call my name. They just fucking leave. And you go, oh, they must have a bag checked.

Yeah. Because they can't leave. They can fucking ditch you on a connection, but they can't ditch you on your outgoing. This is the myth. Yeah. Turns out. We'll be right back, I believe. Uh, we'll be right back, I believe.

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This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and Doug Stanhope podcast listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash stanhope. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash stanhope for 10% off your first month. So it says boarding. I go, I'm in no hurry. I'll be last on the plane. And I finish my drink at a casual pace. And I walk down to the B-11. And the people are just getting off the plane. You weren't boarding at all.

And it's like a fucking bus station at that end. The fucking American end of the B concourse in Tucson. Yeah, it's a fucking Greyhound station. It's fucking chickens and fucking kids with bows and arrows and stuff. And I go, you're not fucking boarding. And I go, fuck this. I'm going back for another drink. Then it says, by the time I left the bar, it said boarding.

When I got back, delayed now again till 3.51 p.m. or whatever. I go, fuck. And I just sat there and I dragged it. And I waited for it to say boarding again. Yeah. Because now it's delayed. It p.m. or whatever. I go, fuck. I just sat there and I drag it and I waited for it to say boarding again because now it's delayed. It's not boarding. Then I get five minutes before it's supposed to be leaving. I go, I'm going to walk down there. I'll watch my shit. I'm not

fucking hammering another drink. I'm going to go down. I get down there. The gate is closed. I go, that flight left. I go, no't i'm why i'm looking at the plane it's right there yeah well we made a lot of announcements uh i'm sorry you're supposed to be i go it says delayed on the and you said boarding before and you weren't bored and then the other flight attendant gets goes through the gate to go down to the flight. I go, they're going onto the plane. I can get on the fucking plane.

I go, sorry, sir. And then they couldn't wait to fuck someone. No, no, you should have been here. It's your fault. So I didn't want to do the big temper tantrum thing and go viral. Get on TV. Get even more alcohol service canceled. Fuck you.

I'll just go back to Delta. And I go, listen, I just canceled a flight. Just like 30 minutes ago. So that seat has to still be there. And now they're starting to board. The Delta flight that I had buffered, hedged my bet with. And they start tapping at the computer and they say yeah

yeah that seat's still there but it won't let me sell it to you for some reason try going through the app and I try going through the app it says it doesn't even say the flight exists much less the seat probably locked it out and they're like I don't understand this

and the fucking delta knows me yeah i'm a regular there you would have got through the gate there and they so hang on so as they're boarding this flight the guy's on the phone and he goes yeah i bought that flight for 279 dollars and he's finally get someone but he yeah, it's going to be $781. And I went, what? Okay. He goes, hang on. She's going to take over because he had to go help with the boarding and hands it the phone, the same phone he gives to the other gate agent, Angelina. And she's like, hang on. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm waiting interminably. Like, as I'm watching the fucking lines slowly pour out, she goes, yeah, it's going to be $1,100. And I'm like, what is this seat on eBay? It was just $700 on the same phone call. You handed the phone over. And she goes, I don't feel comfortable selling it to you for this, but this is outrageous.

And at that point, I'm like, fuck it. I'm just kidding. I'm on a podcast, honey. Do you have a question? Bingo just woke up in a fucking dream state and she's hollering questions.

He wanted an omelet and he went and got it okay we're all good yeah everything's fine honey bye-bye now okay where's tracy what oh i think i think that drink might be the thing uh so she's uncomfortable selling you the ticket because she knows who you are and she knows that's unconscionable. Yeah. Raising the price as 200. I go, you know, I'll just take my American Airlines credit that I have now. I'll just fly out in the morning on a nonstop. I go downstairs to the ticketing for American. They go, yeah.

And they act like I fucked them over. Yeah. Okay. Well, the only flight we can get you out is 11 o'clock tomorrow, and I'll get in at 2, 3 in the afternoon. Cutting it close. Yeah. And you won't have first class anymore.

You'll get a middle seat in coach. And I went, all right, just give me the ticket. You just got to get to the gig. That's day of show. Yeah, day of show. And then I thought, well, cutting it that close, Americans still canceling flights. Yeah.

I mean, I might have gotten fucked on this one, but they're still canceling other flights. They canceled 400 that day, it turned out, across the country. So then I go to Delta to hedge my bet yet again. They go, oh, we can get you out at 6 a.m., but you have to go through Salt Lake, which is still not an airport. You still have to take a bus and walk fucking four miles. Salt Lake's the one that's totally still. Yeah.

The Delta terminals. tucson you always get in at the last furthest gate every time and then have to go to the the furthest extreme other part of the airport uh so that's a 6 a.m flight i go and i i'm a delta uh hilton diamond so i go to the hilton double tree our usual airport hotel, Tucson. Now I'm just angry. I can make up my mind in the morning. If I wake up in time for a 6 a.m. flight, that'll get me in earlier. But I know I'll make the gig, or I could sleep in and risk it all on Delta and possibly, I mean, American and possibly miss the the gig and i went and i had a cocktail at the double tree and i said you know what jimmy johns is there's a jimmy johns here because their

fucking menu sucks shit every time i stay there a million times a year and i stare at that menu every time going there has to be something that's edible and there isn't there just isn't it's awful so i went jimmy john's jimmy john's is a new uh because just because of the jimmy peppers otherwise it's fucking subway well it's subway with an attitude like they're better than subway they are better bread at jimmy john's absolutely yeah but they have a shitty attitude they won't give you mustard we'll give you a pack of mustard. No, no, they'll give you Jimmy John's brown mustard. Jimmy mustard. Smart if you're in the mustard game because they're selling mustard.

I don't know why, but just the smarminess. There used to be a sushi bar in Tucson Airport, just four seats before they renovated. The last four seats was a little mini sushi bar. And this Han was his name. He was the sushi chef. And he was like the soup Nazi sushi chef. If I ordered the white tuna, he would not serve me soy sauce. He wouldn't give me soy sauce.

No, it's got a special sauce. I forget what they call it. It's like soy sauce. Like the sweet one? No, it's like a thin soy sauce. A ponzu? Yeah, ponzu. All right.

So I would have to order like sushi ahead. I would order yellowtail, and then he would give me soy sauce. And then afterwards, I'd go, oh, could I also get an order of white tuna? Because I already had the soy sauce. I had to trick him because he would not physically actually hand me fucking soy sauce. To cast his rules. Anyway, then he got fired, then they closed the sushi bar.

Probably because of me and my soy sauce issues. Jimmy John's is like that with their fucking mustard. If you want yellow mustard, we'll give you a packet, but we're not putting it on there. You have to now be part of the sandwich. But they have the Jimmy Peppers and that's why we're not putting it on there. You have to now be part of the sandwich. But they have the Jimmy Peppers and that's why

we're all like, I want some Jimmy Johns. I just want those fucking peppers. They do sell those in a gallon jar. A teaspoon is enough for a whole sandwich and you crave that maybe twice

a week. A gallon. Oh yeah, we'll sell you a gallon of it. Or none. To stock in your bomb shelter. So I was craving a fucking Jimmy John's. I was upset. Now I'm drunk and angry. I'm just figuring out any way I can

fuck American Airlines. Junior and I were at the bar the other night. You guys in town for business and i said uh yeah we work for american airlines and then just started talking all this shit about how we're gonna start fucking people and we're gonna we're putting in pay toilets sabotaging pay toilets we're just junior and i are just talking really loud about how we were all the new things we're gonna do to fuck the customer american airlines anyway so i'm in that headspace and i'm miserable and i'm gonna have to get up i know i'm gonna have to go delta i'm not going back to

fucking america go crawling back and risk getting fucked again. And then being the viral story and not getting a cocktail on the flight that I'm getting thrown off. And my Jimmy John's, they deliver. I'm like, shit, there's a Jimmy John's. I can't drive because I'm drunk. But they deliver. And I got my Jimmy John's sandwich. Forgot the fucking Jimmy Peppers. Oh, man.

So now I'm just eating a Subway sandwich. Insult to injury. pouty fucking angry and then i look at goddamn twitter yesterday there's mike berbiglia all fucking smiling underneath you can see his big stupid fucking innocent smile through his mask it's gonna i got on the plane and it was completely empty And the crew was just as surprised as me And they asked me for a picture And I said I want a picture too And he posted a fucking picture of him

Taking an empty plane And it's goddamn American Airlines You know why they're fucking empty? They shut the gate And didn't let anybody on it Just out of spite Lucky fuck Nice acts get all the work And all the breaks Let's not a spike. Yeah, how did he get on? Lucky fuck. Nice acts get all the work and all the breaks.

Let's take a break. Yeah. We got ads to do. Oh, shit. We have ads to do. I have an ad right now. I'm wearing an ad right now. Stage Man Underpants.

I haven't written the commercial, but this time I get to write the commercial. So I'm just going to say go to stageman.com, I'm guessing. Fucking Google it, ladies. I don't have ad copy. This was a deal I worked out and I don't have to read some fucking page of nonsense because this dude says, oh yeah, I used to do this and that and now i've underwear company and i told him about my uh favorite underpants he goes yeah this is different this stage man it doesn't just like like other underpants uh like hold your nuts away from your your your thighs this has like a pouch you put all of your junk into. All fucking beans and

weenies, the whole thing fucking goes into one like snout. Yeah, like almost a cylinder. Yeah, if you saw it, you might think it's like, because I used to date this girl Pandora that she sewed her own fucking, she worked for like

a lingerie place where she was a seamstress and they would make the banana slingers where it's underwear but it's just a hole for your dick. Well you go, that's fine if you have at least a semi-erection but if you're flaccid, that's

just loose fabric. And he's like, no, this holds, this is, it's almost like a push-up bra yeah effect where you put all your fucking your balls and cock and go into the pouch keeps them completely away from your body other underpants yeah that little pouch works for a minute and then it or it doesn't at all yeah they stretch and they do it, this is, and you know how rarely I change my clothing. I've worn these for days. And yeah, your fucking cock and balls never touch your inner thigh.

And it makes you present, not through your clothing. The guy said, when he was describing them to me, I met him after a show. Mr. Stage. Yeah, Stage Man is his actual name. It's a perfect name for these underpants. Yes. It's the whole package. He said, yeah, Bert Kreischer.

I gave him a pair. And he said his wife won't let him wear them around the house because it scares the kids. Fucking Chad Shank has been just blowing up my phone talking about how great these underwear are. I should read some of them. Anyway, we'll have plenty of opportunities. Go to stage man underpants.

Stage man dot com. Use promo code Stan Hope to get a 10% discount. You buy two pairs of these, you never have to fucking buy underwear again in your life. There's a cotton one and a cotton Spandex blend one which is more like a

workout short. Yeah, I've done both and they're both comfortable. And after we drove from Bisbee to Plano, Texas two days driving, didn't think about uncomfortable ball sweats. You know what I'm talking about, right?

That whole thing was like you're kind of fidgeting, you know? You're peeling them apart. Yeah, or you could feel the balls slide down your thigh. It feels like you're stepping in gum, your thigh pulling away from your balls. And the gum won't come off. Yeah. So, yeah, that was just something I noticed because right before I left, he sent us another care pack for the tour, a bunch of pairs. And I took all of the underpants in my bag out and put brand new

stage man packs in there. And I've just been banned by Bert Kreischer's wife. Stage man underpants. You just have fun wearing them. This is my favorite sponsor ever so yeah do that and we'll get paid two pairs is all you're gonna need for the rest of your underpants life try it man all right uh let me smoke one more cigarette please hold you are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Plano and Addison. I don't think we have any stories. Just the road.

We're coming to Florida. We're going to wrap this up in Florida. Bingo and I are going to the TWA hotel at JFK for a birthday. Yeah, we're coming to New York City. Are we leaving the airport? Fuck no. There's absolutely no reason. It's JFK, right? Yeah, JFK

is already one of the worst airports in the fucking country. I'm not going to throw good money after bad and go into the actual city. We're going to do Florida. Junior's coming back for one more ride. Then we're time off.

Then we're going to reassess all of our values. Our moral compasses are going to be realigned. I'm going to poop excessive amounts of Jimmy Johns that are backed up in my system after so many flights. The amount of meat that I've eaten. I counted up. Starting in Philly, we did the Philly cheesesteak because you have to. And then me and Junior started.

I ate five Philly cheese steaks and then i you did three shows in philly it wasn't one day well yeah yeah but no i in like two days i ate five philly cheese steaks and then i realized that that fucking double tree has a philly cheese steak it's in tucson yeah okay where i go there's never anything on this menu that i want because i never want a fucking philly cheesesteak. But after I get on that kick and then all this flying and then you take fucking Xanax and you're always dehydrated. I hydrate nothing. And I'm just like, I am literally full of shit.

I can feel meat up to my, like, it's pressing on my solar plexus. I'm just full of meat. and I'm not pooping enough. And that has to end. This is what I say. This is what you pay the ticket price for is how much I'm fucking dying. I'm having a cocktail at 11 a.m. on a stolen omelet. I brought you more liquid IVs. I figured you might be out to hydrate up.

So those are, we're leaving those. You know when you can't drink water, that makes you want to drink water. In fact, can I get a fucking I don't even care. Anything but pina colada. I fucking hate pina coladas. I want the pina coladas. Good. Do you want tangerine? Tangerine is fantastic. Do you want a cocktail of it or do you want the water?

Yeah, just throw half of one in the water and that will make me drink two waters. And it won't be too sweet. The joke water. It's not even hydrated. Oh, we have Liquid Death at the house. Oh, we do?

Liquid Death is a new sponsor that we made on our own. I saw people watching that on Netflix. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's fucking great. I'm starting to see it in Liquid Death. It loves truck stops.

It looks like an energy drink in a can, and it's called Liquid Death. And you know what it is? It's either water or sparkling water. So if you're not drinking, but you don't want to look like a tool, give me a liquid death

but it looks like a rock star energy drink yeah i know it looks that's what i thought it was the longest time nope it's just water called liquid death i think they have some angle by calling it that something about the environment but i just think it's really funny to walk around drinking liquid death and you're just having water. I can sell that. Irony? Yeah, we'll talk to them about sponsorship. Because they sent a bunch to the house. Yeah, well, we could go old school

and sponsor on the... What do you call it? On the cuff? Yeah. you fucking take care of me i'm gonna fucking motion here that seems like it's a mob fucking term like on the house like yeah yeah fucking hook this up and we'll hook you up yeah that never works out with i know they never did never did with us either yeah We used to have underpants that we liked and I still would have to say, hey, sorry, I found way better underpants.

We used to sell your underpants just because we like them, but these are way better. They're an actual sponsor. You just sent us a couple free pairs of underpants. No. We get paid with StageMan. You get paid the whole package.

Stage man. Come see us. I don't know if, if Vegas is sold out yet. Nope. Still got tickets. Go to the Plaza. New Year's Eve.

Go to the Plaza's website. There's a package deals for a room and tickets. Yeah. And then, then next year is mostly so far. I think we're going to do some Southern California and New York City. There's a whole lot of UK. Get your fucking UK tickets.

They're all on DougStanhope.com. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this weekend. Honestly, they fucking have me scheduled for shows. Today, I have seven shows in the next uh you know 30 hours yeah like a two o'clock at five o'clock at seven o'clock at 10 p.m and i'm like i drink you know i i don't i don't do this podcast without a drink and i just get out of bed i can't be drunk for shows at two seven ten it's like spring break weekend. Yeah.

That's the level of drinking because you're starting earlier with your. Yeah, I'm getting a fucking kidney donated ahead of time. I already ordered it. Yeah, DoorDash. Bring me a kidney because I'm not going to be able to make this. Organ Hub. And I'm too proud to say, no, I'm going to be able to make the organ hub. And I'm, and I'm too proud to say, no,

I'm going to duck out of some of these gigs. I don't even know if I'm getting paid to be here. I have no idea. I, they don't tell me anything. So I, I have, they have,

they put a lot of fucking money into this. They have a full color, like a high school yearbook of the history of the last five years of skank fest with pictures and sponsors and everyone's things it's got an autograph page so you can go out i'm gonna carry this around just so i when i see people and they go hey doug like yesterday we were eating at that shitty Mexican place downstairs. And someone goes, hey, Stanhope, see you this weekend, Skankfest. I go, I don't know if that's a fan, a comic that I don't remember, a comic that I haven't met, a comic that I have met, but his face doesn't ring a bell. So I'm just going to carry my yearbook around with me.

And when someone says, hey, Stanhope, I'm going to go, what's your name? And then I'm going to look them up in alphabetical order. Oh, I thought you were going to have them sign it so you wouldn't have to ask their name. Yeah, I'm like, oh, that's even a better idea. God damn it, your management material. Yeah, just go, oh, hey, will you sign my yearbook? Or you can go, oh, hey, I didn't see your picture in here. Are you in here?

Yeah, no, just go't see your picture in here. Are you in here? Yeah. No, just go to your picture and sign it. And then when they sign it, I'll go. And if they go, sign what picture? I'll go, oh, fan. Oh, my God. This is beautiful. Now, you were here in 2016.

Do you remember any of this? I only remember it because the book no encore for the donkey still available on audible the hard copy will be available evidently after i fire brian hennigan and you can tweet at mr hennigan uh stand up mentioned in the podcast that you're getting fired because you will not produce a fucking hard copy of this book, no matter how much he threatens to fire you. So you can fire. Oh, my God, those pants I was wearing. You're on a trash heap, but you're looking stylish and you're yellow.

Yeah, this was 2016. I was promoting the first book back then. And I wrote about this or I found like, what did I do? And I found some tweet or something where I, I go, Oh, I fell asleep on a pile of trash before it was even dark out. And I remember I had to get up and go back to the hotel.

Cause I had to do stern in the morning. That was the junket. Yeah. A ton of things. So, yeah, I, I,

I knew because I had, I'd found that in my uh when i was looking up shit for oh yeah no encore for the donkey in my due diligence timeline going that i where i oh i fell asleep on a fucking pile of trash evidently they have a picture of it here i thought it was nighttime but no evidently it was daytime. Why are you doing that? We're not putting this out on video. Maybe. Jesus. You cleaned up your boogers, so it's safe.

Yeah. It would be patriotic. Before turning the gun on on himself, I think that was the opening joke on that. Where you ever look in the mirror and go, that can't be accurate. Getting smoky. Oh, good. Yeah, let's have a cigarette. In for a be accurate. Getting smoky. Oh, good. Yeah, let's have a cigarette. In for a penny.

In for a pound. Thank you, everyone, for listening. If you're at Skank Fest, I think this is probably going to come out while I'm still here. Yes. I want to say thanks to Clay, head of security at Skank Fest. He took care of us last night because none of us had passes. But he's a listener to the show. Oh, I did get a lanyard. I don't know where that is.

We're all good. We'll see you in West Palm. Yeah, West Palm, Fort Lauderdale, Orlando, Tampa. Dania? Then Suicide.

Yeah, that's Fort Lauderdale. They know where it is. Dania? Then suicide. Dania? Yeah, that's Fort Lauderdale. They know where it is. Dania Beach something. Yeah. It's Lauderdale. All right. Thank you guys very much.

Bingo. Want to give us a live one? Bingo. Give us a live okay bye-bye now. Okay. All right. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.