The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#469: Tweet-Membering Skankfest

Episode Date: November 13, 2021

Doug pieces together his weekend at Skankfest South through texts and tweets like everybody else. Plus, an injury update.  We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Recorded Nov. 12th, 2021 via ZOOM while on the road with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 LINKS - Liquid IV - Grab your favorite Liquid I.V. flavors nationwide at Walmart or you can get 25% off when you go to LiquidIV.com and use code STANHOPE at checkout. Stageman Underwear - Stageman Underwear is ergonomically enhanced first layer gear for men. It's innovative design gently lifts the male genitals up and away from the legs for maximum performance and comfort. Go to www.Stageman.com and use Promo Code 'STANHOPE' to save 10% on your order. The World Record Podcast  - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Thank you, Liquid IV, for sponsoring this episode. Grab your favorite Liquid IV flavors nationwide at Walmart, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code STANHOPE at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration a day using promo code STANHOPE at liquidiv.com. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. We're freshly back.

I don't know how fresh we are, but we're back. I see that. I never know where you guys are. It dawned on me. Shaylee texted me and was like, available tomorrow, sick. And then today around like 10 in the morning, I go, am I supposed to go over there? I don't even know where these guys are. Yeah.

We flew in to Tucson last night. Bingo was feeling sick the whole day. And then I woke up. I went to bed with a sore throat and it was getting worse. And we're like, all right, this is the gestation period after skank fest and COVID. And if you saw the videos,

I wasn't being very safe. Body surfing with two drinks in my hand during the fucking rock and roll comedy jam or whatever the fuck it was. That was outside like in a tent or something right no the the stage was uh uh under a tent sort of thing but the crowd was all outdoors but yeah body surfing with fucking you know 30 comics on stage all screaming fucking lyrics at each other and then this morning i'm like fuck so we're at the airport anyway and we went over and got the uh the rapid uh covid test the

80 dollar oh yeah they go we'll let you know in about 10 minutes and we're sitting there going we definitely have i wasn't worried and then i just started just started thinking of all the fun I could have with COVID and not go to Florida and all the excuses I'd have with COVID, the material I'd get out of COVID, and what we were going to say to the doctor or whatever, the guy that gives you the test. The guy said, can you tell us the answer game show host style? You do.

He wasn't he wasn't a very jolly guy. But yeah, then we didn't have COVID. So I fucking wasted a hundred and eighty bucks at all this grand ideas. It was eighty. It was eighty dollars each. Yeah. Yeah. Hundred and sixty. Yeah. It was $80 each test? Yeah, $160.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, we could have got the free one that tells you in 24 to 48 hours, but I got to fucking fly on Sunday morning. I don't want to go through that bullshit again. So, yeah, now I have to just fly sick. I definitely have a cold. I mean, it's getting worse.

I keep the the fucking you know filling up a fucking thing with snot rags and and you know once i get a cold with the as much as i smoke that fucking cough lasts forever the guttural cough and if i'm still fucking blowing my nose having to take a mask off on a plane i'm'm going to fly. Everyone's going to be fucking geeked out looking at me. I'm bringing my results that I had a recent COVID test. That's not going to

fucking shy away the dirty looks from three rows back. Pull it up and hang it around your neck. Yeah, put it on one of those. Put it on your lanyard. On the back of your skank fest lanyard the man in 2d does not have yeah it's just but the amount of fucking dirty looks i'm gonna have to endure across fucking three time zones just having to wear a mask and having a runny nose is just disgusting.

It's like today, I had my mask and I'm like, man, it's time for a new one. This one smells like an aquarium. And I'm like, I don't even know why. Yeah, mine already smells like fucking cigarettes. Yeah, well, you smell like cigarettes. Well, that's why I like the Gators, because I can keep

turning them to get a fresh air. Yeah. There's a nicotine stain where you're exhaling the residual smoke. Put it up on your head for a while and pull it back down. And it smells like your head. It's different. It still stinks, but it's a completely different stink. Different stink.

Yeah. It's a meld of stinks. Yeah. The only place I've been going is Home Depot, and I've had the booster, the third one now, and I forget all about masks. I don't even pay any attention, I guess. I just feel super powerish.

Yeah, they're a little cuntier about it on the airlines and in the sky. Oh, I couldn't imagine everywhere else. Once you have a drink in front of you, though, no one gives a shit. Yeah. If you're in the Sky Club or sitting down at a table, once you sit at the table, you cross the gauntlet and then

everything's fine. We were watching Price is Right earlier today because I found an old clip on YouTube from 79 of Bob Barker. Jenny and I watched this clip and we were trying to guess prices from 79 and realized, oh, fuck, you can't guess prices from 79. You have no, no, you know, concept. And so we're like, well, what's a new one and see if we're better. And we were just as horrible.

But it was brand new so it was funny to watch them literally like run away from each other to stay six feet away on the stage at all times drew carrie is constantly just taking evasive action the entire time on prices right now it's fun i looked i looked up can you fly with a cold during COVID? Just to have a normal cold? And I didn't get any definitive answers. Answers, yes. Well, I mean, can they fucking say, hey, listen, and I say, hey, it's just a cold. Here's my test.

Well, I don't think people should be able to fly with just sandals on. You know, there's a lot of things that they shouldn't be able to fly with. The cold. Come on. That's a lot of things that they shouldn't be able to fly with. The cold, come on. That fucking gross guy. There was a guy across from us in the Sky Club with sandals on. And he was otherwise well-dressed and he had these old craggy feet. Like, what are you doing?

I understand you don't want to take your fucking shoes off at airport security, but get a fucking loafer like mine. You don't have your fucking dangly toes out. I mean, I don't, it's not like I'm disgusted by it.

It's just. All of a sudden, you're for socks with sandals. Yeah. Get a gold toe on there. Cover them. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's just, could you try even less?

I mean, if they let you go barefoot, if they let you go barefoot, would you go to the airport? Because I think some of these people would. This was a guy in a Sky Club. This wasn't just some fucking beach bum going to fucking spring break.

This was a fucking well-dressed guy. They were probably expensive sandals, but they weren't expensive toes. Get a fucking mani-pedi, asshole. Put some effort in. I had the scariest fucking that was not scariest moment uh we check into the sky club and the lady uh she which airport uh atlanta oh no it might have been the where we flew out of is jfk and uh we're uh i mean you you just finished up the um twa hotel in jfk for bingo's birthday

yeah yeah which uh we could have had just as much fun looking at the pictures online while drinking fucking plastic jug vodka prices yeah half the advertise didn't exist. Oh, no. Those ads were pre-coated, dude. Yeah, I mean, not that we were going to go roller skating on the tarmac, but the fact that they didn't have it, and they don't have the tab thing anymore. We haven't had tab in months. They celebrate tab soda with a tab happy hour thing.

And then we brought our own secretly made cocktail from our room. Bingo just has a vodka. Hey, can you give me a splash of that tab? There's too much vodka in this, in their glass. Yeah. We haven't had tab in months. So the lady, I check in and she looks at my thing and she looks down and she goes, oh, and thank you for being a 360. And I walked away fucking stunned.

And I got bingo. I go, did you hear that? is like every airline has this secret upper echelon that you don't know how you get into like for the high you know the highest flyers i don't even know exactly what you get but uh like that's the one thing that you can like one higher level that you can get that you have to be secretly pre-approved for by some star chamber at Delta. And I, she goes, it's like skull and bones. You have to be invited.

Yeah. Or vetted somehow. Bingo said, yeah, she said 360. And I'd fucking like, my first thought was to fucking tweet Todd Berry. Cause Todd Berry is the only other guy I know.

That's like wicked into flying status as a comic on fuck you on 360 motherfucker. And I was I'm 360, motherfucker. And I was fucking racing up and down. I dumped Bingo. I go, no, you go to another part of the Sky Club now. I'm 360. This relationship's over. And then I walked back out and I said to the lady,

and I'm like a kid, I'm like, did you just say I'm 360? She goes, yeah, I meant to say thanks for being a million miler sorry like oh what a letdown you said it you have to honor it you said it yeah that was worse than finding out i didn't have covid then you then you had to go groveling back and find Bingo in their speed. You're like, all right, back on. I can talk to you now. Yeah, we're back on. So what is this? Is there anything that you, like, when you eventually do become a 360 and that person acknowledges it, is there any perk to it?

Or is it just a, I don't understand. There has to be. You get more free soup. I don't understand. There has to be. You get more free soup. I don't know what. I don't know if you have a secret entrance or a secret handshake. But I also, I just became diamond through Hilton. Because I never fucked with hotel miles or loyalty. Because we always like to stay at whatever's closest to the gig.

Fuck loyalty. Yeah, cheap or close. So I've been doing that, and I finally became Diamond on Hilton. And I think it's like being in the service. Occasionally, they'll say, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your loyalty. Thank you for your service.

Oh, I see you're Diamond. I still get two waters. Occasionally you can get upgrades, like they'll upgrade your room to a suite, but like the Doubletree doesn't have suites. They're all suites. If you're diamond, you don't have to ask for the Wi-Fi password.

They just tell you. I think I'm hoping maybe if you're diamond they are less likely to fucking charge you for smoking in the room yeah so i was gonna ask you when i left you tracy and i were with doug for the first night in gank fest was after the uh the improv gig and then the next morning we left but before we left we did the last podcast and he fired up and started drinking at, you know, 10 in the morning. I left you a, the small bottle of Axe room deodorizer. We had a door, the jam, the lower jam on the door was stuffed with a wet towel. I didn't even wet it.

No, Tracy, I told her to do that. I don't know if she did or not, but that's usually the MO, what we're doing. Then, while we were in Austin and Skank was still going on, I'm getting videos of some dude and you and Junior

in the hotel room, which was the room we left you in, the Hilton. You guys, Junior's not smoking, but you're smoking with this other rando dude. So I'm pretty sure there was a lot of... That was fucking Jersey Paul Verzi from the fucking... No, I don't think that was Paul Verzi. I think so.

Well, I don't remember smoking with. Well, this guy was black. Or, yeah. So... Who else did we have in the room? You had a room in the in the bathroom smoking cigarettes talking about comics it was juicy bill boozy now that's paul you never heard of him it's not black no he he might have looked a little dark-skinned i don't know but well i'll i'll were we in the shower the video well he wasn't no but shower? They had the filter on the video.

Black guy filter. Black friend. My point I think it circles back to this one later. He's wearing white. He was wearing white? You don't know. You were very drunk. And Junior was singing.

It was late. That was Paul Percy. Hey, liquid IV folks as a long-term drunkard, people all always ask me, what's the secret to my longevity. And I would say number one, hydration,

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Liquid IV has donated over 11 million servings globally. Grab your favorite Liquid IV flavors nationwide at Walmart, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code Stanhope at checkout. liquidiv.com and use code Stanhope at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code Stanhope at liquidiv.com. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. What happened on checkout? Did you get charged for smoking in the room and did you use the uh the ax body right i mean room deodorizer yeah we we used it but i i didn't smoke for the last

two days i was there we were there for four nights so i we don't let the maids in so yeah and it stuck like a lot of things after four nights with three of us in there. Yeah. Junior. Junior, one of them. Yeah. Well, just Junior would get also it's a late night takeout food. So it always smelled like what he didn't finish. And yeah, there's a lot of smell.

So yeah, no, I timed that out. The only thing Junior doesn't finish is any bread product. He'll lick everything off of it, but he will leave the bread product. So that's like an odor sponge sitting in the corner of the room until morning. But Skagfest was by far the best festival experience

I've ever had. Because it's not a festival, like every other festival is about industry. There's nobody from fucking NBC out scouting folks for Skank Fest. Maybe Pornhub is out there trying to sign you to a deal for revenge porn that they know you have on your phone and you're not letting go of. But other than that. Yeah, it seemed like the night we were there, it seemed like it was mostly comics and like Uber fans, you know, not even like general public people. That was half as fun as it looked.

Just of all the pictures and videos that were going on Twitter, man, that was it looked amazingly fun. Yeah, it's like if the Death Valley party were, you know, 15 times bigger than the biggest one we ever did. Just so great. Eddie Pepitone. God damn it. He's the only comic I remember actually sitting and watching. But it's so fucking funny. I try to watch Gilbert, but like so many of those venues you try to watch like that outdoor venue especially

like i'm gonna watch this guy but you're constantly hey can you take a picture with me there's no there was no like comedy club environment even though the the rooms were standing rooms like the old rock and roll shows we used to do all standing and uh so people have no compunction to ask you for a picture or tell you a story right in the middle of the fucking show. So it's hard to watch comics, but it was a fucking blast.

Any other highlights? We haven't talked, so I have no idea. I get my highlights just like you. What did someone tweet a video of me? Bingo and I both got injuries. I don't know if she's... Mine's still there. Oh, yeah? Look at that little... Did you get a knot

on your orbital bone there? I got scraped off some skin when the three of us were trying to ride that mechanical bull at the same time. Oh, my God. I fell off and I hit my face on Bingo's glasses and scraped a fucking patch of skin off.

And then I have a nice fucking patch off of my shin when I was racing to that stage where everyone was singing, where I eventually stage dove. I get pushed. I am like, you're pushing me into the crowd. Like, that's the point where it's, oh, stage dive. Really? really oh but on my way there i tried to cut in between the sound man and the stage and i stepped on what i thought was something solid or grounded but it was had wheels and i went down hard and uh it was either that or hitting it on a monitor but i took a nice chunk out of my shin before the stage dive and or during it. All I remember is afterwards walking out and such fucking utter bliss.

It's not just the stage diving, just the energy from the fucking audience ungulating. And I and I thought, oh, this is really going to hurt tomorrow because I'm this drunk and I can feel it now. My shin hurts a lot. really going to hurt tomorrow because I'm this drunk and I can feel it now. My shin hurts a lot. Yeah. It looked about monitor wedge high. When I saw that injury, I'm like, like, what did you kick into? Cause it didn't look like you got hurt when you were, when you were being lifted by everyone. Oh no. Yeah. I felt nothing but sheer joy at that point. And then bingo gets a stage dive. And then bingo, get to stage dive.

And then we went to some other venue. I think, hold on a second. I think what you're talking about is crowd surfing. Stage diving is where you launch off into the audience and then, you know, wherever you land, you land. Crowd surfing is when you kind of get lifted up by many people and they kind of move you around. All right. Well, then this would be a mixture of both because I was hurled off the stage

and then I was crowdsurfing. Combo. If you can do either while holding two drinks and not spilling a drop, you're fucking amazing. Yeah. At that point, I go, all right right that was the end of the the festival and then we went to oh that's right yeah shane gillis i hung out with him quite a bit and he's like yeah let's go fuck with some shows uh because there were still shows going on in the other venues and uh then i lost him and i go listen we we got through this without any embarrassment.

There was a naked roast at one point and I thought I should do something naked. And I like I had my pants almost halfway down with no plan. And I went, no, don't do anything. It's not your gig. You don't even know these people that are on stage. Just fuck off. You don't even know these people that are on stage. Just fuck off. And so I got through the whole thing without doing anything horribly embarrassing.

My sets were fucking here or there. I don't have showcase length set. So I was trying to just chop up my act. And all right, this this is 10 minutes. And then you get to the end and realize it relies on a callback from a bit you didn't do. Oh, shit. No one fucking cared. There's fucking a hundred comics there. You were scheduled to do, was it seven 10-minute sets over three days?

Well, they didn't give me a time, but yeah, roughly. There was one set I did three minutes because they were having fights. That was the outdoor venue and they had a ring set up. So at three o'clock, 3 p.m., they were going to have some kind of fight starting. And I go like this fight or roast fight. Oh, they fight boxing. Yeah, they had some real actual professional actual boxing. They had some real actual professional, actual boxing and then they did like musical chairs

boxing where there's two chairs less than people and so the two people who don't get a chair have to fight. I didn't get to see it because I was doing some show somewhere else but all I know is if there's fighting going on

they go, that starts at three it's 257 i'm doing three minutes i am not going to try to compete and by the time i just did three fucking jokes and riffs yeah by the time i get off stage and behind the tent and out to the crowd the entire crowd hundreds of people had already moved to the other side to watch. Yeah. I did that right. Yeah, fuck it. You pivoted perfectly. You always say that. It's like comedy can never compete with a fist fight in the audience.

And that's totally true. I know watching Twitter at Luis J. Gomez. And I forget the other guy. He used to be a guest on Stern sometimes. Then he had his own radio show australian uh like mma fighter guy was fighting lewis jay gomez it was a big event that everybody was looking forward to yes i watched clips of it what's that i have no idea how that ended did you did you watch it chad i watched clips of it and from what i i didn't see

much but on twitter i think they said they called it a draw but loose Jake was very impressive in the clips that I saw he looked better than the other guy is it right I didn't catch it oh no that's from

that guy fights a lot this was back in 2018 he was somebody I forget his name no no, that guy fights a lot. Yeah. This was back in 2018. He was somebody. I forget his name now. Is it Bisping? No, no, no. That guy was a champ. That's the guy that did a podcast with Luis G. Gomez for a long time.

Those guys have had a podcast together. This guy, I'm trying to, Ellis? No. That's all right. I just wanted to see if I could find something. But I thought putting in Wissam Gomez boxing would yield one result. He's been boxing a lot,

it looks like. So he's got a bunch of shit out there. Well, I'll look that up. It's killing this life. Yeah, I don't even know where to find clips if someone doesn't tweet them at me. Just trying to find stuff during Skank Fest, but I'm not really

adept at searching on Instagram and stuff. But Bingo kept sending me enough stuff, so we just kept going back and forth. I'd send you pictures of where we were at and I'd get the details because everyone wanted to know if you were still alive in Austin, so I had to give them updates. Yeah, I did not.

Even fucking Depp was texting me and I was like, I'll check this on Monday. I'm not anywhere near my phone. But Dave Rader was looking up COVID skank fest like on Reddit, and he found a bunch of people that did get COVID during skank fest. Oh, wow. A bunch of those guys are definitely complaining about, you know, that same fan base was complaining on Twitter about venues that required

a vaccination or, you know, a test or anything. And I was like, yeah, that's a wild crowd right there. That's a mixed bag for sure. Yeah. I had one joke. Go, it's a comedy festival. It's usually really easy to profile comedians. Just by looking at them, you go, oh, that guy's a comedian.

That guy's a comedian. It's harder with chick comics which is really uh delicate because you you can't just walk up to a chick at the hotel bar and go what are you here for skank fest oh no sorry no it's a real thing no no it's a real it's a money laundering event right around the corner i i got a question doug do you think we're gonna see uh your appearance on kill tony from skank fest that just felt awkward i mean i was pretty drunk and i don't i don't know man that one i talked to one of the guys that was on it uh william montgomery and he said it was uh pretty out of control but it wasn't

all doug he says there was another guy too was really drunk and i go ari he goes yeah he was pretty drunk too so it got he goes it just it just got out of control it just it was it wasn't any one person the whole thing was just uh chaos whoa like ari and i were trying to like what if we just go all positive no matter who the comic is that didn't work out and then one guy just started crying like because we were oh that was the guy we're being real nice to and he started crying like tears of joy like he

just got 360'd and I'm like like why are we doing this like what's the why just who are we to just fucking trash some guy i don't know it had fucking lines around the block and then you're going the fucking lines around the block are all people who want one minute on this fucking yeah the bucket names yeah oh yeah it just didn't seem to flow yeah well i think they did three that weekend so it wasn't like they were it's not like us where we do just what it takes to get it done and then

wait another week they banked a couple yeah i wanted i wanted to get on stage uh in my stage just to promote product but i go that might look schlocky yeah Yeah, you want to test that out. Yeah, when they were doing the naked roast, I'm like, I used to get fired for being naked, and now they advertise. Yeah. Sponsored. Yeah, I get fired from when Rich Miller booked Austin. I get fired from that club twice, and then all the other bookings that he had me on it is different clubs in other cities.

And when I was expecting some kind of fucking Lifetime Achievement Award at the end of fucking Naked Roast for breaking down the barriers. Yeah. You're like a blazing the trail like the like the like the queers at a stone wall or whatever. Yeah. Like, let's stop forgetting the guys. The pioneers. Yeah. That's it.

I didn't make money for doing this. I got fired for it. And someone had to tell you the next day you did it. Oh, man. We can do an ad for stage man if you want i was about to just tell you guys i got those stage man and i i uh like a lot of them and uh i have more underwear than i've ever had in my entire life and i love them i wear them like shorts around the house i don't even put pants on anymore i'll just walk around the house in those things. Jenny laughed at me when I first put them on.

And I thought it was, you know, I've got a pretty nice deal going on. And then if you put it in a package like that, it looks pretty good. Keep it all together, like bunch it up. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was impressive. And she laughed. And I was like, that's fucking i thought it was impressive and she laughed and i was like

that's fucking not what i was looking for and then but then when you're on your balls like on a phone book trying to reach a pay phone well well then she told me that i shouldn't wear them with sweatpants around the grandkids so i was like all right that that's a compliment i'll solid advice that advice that that could be on the that could be on the packaging actually we might we might let him know that so well i uh i have gotten used to walking around without my balls dangling between my legs and i'm a fan of it i dig it a lot i wore the same pair throughout skank skank fest and to the last day of the TWA hotel. And yeah,

they didn't lose any kind of vibrancy. They didn't like stretch. They didn't elastist. Thank you. Bingo's here. Giving me words. I'm getting big words from bingo. Wow.

Look at that. Rubs off. Bingo. getting big words from bingo wow look at that rubs off bingo we're showing my covid thing we were we i went out to smoke uh during our layover in atlanta and uh she was in the sky club and this kid was sitting across he was beside the guy with the sandals and kid, I don't know, early 20s. I'm outside smoking and she sends me a picture of this kid. She had been just texting me ridiculous things like I'm leaving you now,

now that I'm not 360 at a different club. I'm leaving you for someone else. And she just randomly took a picture of this kid who wasn't paying attention and said, this is the guy I'm leaving you for, for anal. And so I get back to this. This is Atlanta. When you go out to smoke in Atlanta, you got to take a train several stops just to get to the exit to go find it's the biggest airport it's the busiest airport in the world so you can't just you know just because you have pre-check doesn't fucking make it easy so it's it took me almost an hour to go out and have a cigarette and that's

with a quick trip through security because i get all the deals uh But I'm coming back into the Sky Club, and this kid is walking out. And I'd already known, I recognized him in the picture from sitting across from us. And he goes, listen, I don't want to be weird, but are you Doug Stanhope? And I go, I don't want to be weird, but is this you? He goes, you took a picture of me? I go, no, my wife did. Here, read what she wrote.

I didn't know you did that. What a fucking story that guy has on his podcast. forever met up with a friend of his and uh then he grabbed his shit and moved seats yeah creeped him out oh wow he creeped out a fan that's fucking bad he came back over and asked for pictures

and we took some more pictures yeah it was a fun time now my fucking cough is like when you cough when you smoke weed and you can't stop. That's what my cough is turning into. Yeah, it's just like a rolling downhill.

At least you don't have COVID, right? Yeah. I basically do. I'm a COVID wannabe. I'm a bug. You probably could have spent less money and got a fake positive test. Could have got you out of work, got you to write some new material. Hey, Doc, another 20. Can we make it?

I was going to say to the guy when we thought for sure we were positive, I was going to say that, oh, this is great news. See, we were never able to have a child. So it's nice she can test positive for one test in her life. Can you just tell her you gave her the pregnancy test instead? I'll break it to her later. It's her birthday week. We want a little joy. Oh, it was her

birthday every day from the day we left Houston. Hey, what are you guys all dressed up for? It's my birthday. Four days in a row. It's my birthday. I go, you better not pull that shit with a flight attendant. They know your date of birth. We were wearing the same outfits

for all those days. I know. Hey, we got like 10 cases of liquid death here. I might be exaggerating, but... Taylor, you're cutting out a lot. I don't know what liquid death is. Tell me what that is. It comes in a can. It looks like it's an energy drink.

They're a new sponsor. And there's two kinds. There's either still water or sparkling water it's just water but it comes in a can that says liquid death with that kind of font and so like if you're in a bar and you don't want to go oh i'm on the wagon or i got my third dui so i have an ankle bracelet that measures you can just order a can of liquid death. It'll look cool. Nice. Also, you can pour booze in it for your

to-go drink. Swatter. I haven't heard from you how we spend once we get back home and work all this shit out. But yeah, it's a good product. I've had it.

Hey, Buckingham Hennigan called me today. And he goes, I'm sorry. I've looked through all of the emails and your accounts. I can't find any record of a flight for Junior for Florida. Oops. Oh, no, really? Maybe I didn't hit purchase now so i called junior i said hey do you have any uh flight information for monday and he said no you think two days out he might have called and said

hey i don't have what time do i have to get for it yeah Yeah, so I had to book him fucking first class because otherwise he'd be a shit. And Junior doesn't do no middle seat. No. He would. He said he would, but I couldn't do that to him. That's hard. That's hard. It's what you do to someone else, too.

He's a long man. He's a long, wide man. He'll be stretching his hips up against the wall he's just and i said to him are you just lean into a wall outside a restaurant and pick one knee up and stretch it and i said yeah great danes are prone to hip displacement animals your size you know you're not on the mic bingo uh so uh so yeah he will well i wanted to leave a day early anyway because my friends were quoting a comedy special in chicago and i want to be back for it i was wondering if that'd be okay and then i thought well let me see how much flights are and then maybe we'll just shit can the whole the whole week and uh and then i go wait

i already paid you for that week yeah pay him so this time i just paid him for the all the upcoming shows i'm like fuck you you're coming i mean i was paid for miles anyway so what do i care but yeah so he he won't make it to the last date in Orlando. We're flying him out of Tampa after this. Okay. Nice. And then. In a comic for gigs in advance.

He might not show. Yeah, but it's Junior. I didn't worry about it at all. You're cutting out a lot, Shaley. I know. I'm mad at him. Shitty. Still recording. I'm in a shitty hotel. It's still recording.

Your guy's still recording. It's alright. Wait, that's not a green screen shitty hotel shower curtain behind you. That's actually a... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah right out the the view at orlando the fucking skyline of international drive cheap fucking carnival rides with neon lights yeah yeah i saw that you guys were at uh like harry potter world or something oh yeah my butt my butter beer fucking i don't know nothing about harry potter i've never seen any of the movies i've read all the books she was going crazy it was her christmas birthday

well here she has to show you she bought a robe nice nice what oh and it's her. Her house is called Rape. And go to this. Been there all day. And I went out of my way to make it sound like I knew nothing that was even like. Because everyone's got these fucking robes on. And kids, grown men are trying to make cast spells in front of fucking. And I go out this one train ride. And'm i'm like i have no idea what's going on and i'm like wanting the fact that i know nothing about this the guy's looks like you're in the same boat as me i don't know too much i go i don't know what's going on he goes yeah i read

three books and wait that's that's three books You're an expert compared to me. We're not in the same boat. We're in the same train car, but not the same boat. It was nuts. When you sent me that picture of that crowd, I was trying to cut a piece of drywall for an odd shaped piece of wall. And it sucked real bad. And it really helped me because I was like like at least i'm not in a line at uh hogwarts uh i i'd rather be doing this we were in a lot of lines did you do anything

here for halloween did you go to the shady dell i did i i did not there was i i just i remember seeing something about butcher a black knob and I didn't know if maybe you went to their thing. Oh, no, I sent that. I took a picture. We have the the Ghost Ride like mock of. And I gave Justin Jason from Shady Dell a bunch of stuff to put at the Shady Dell for the weekend. And he put out for the beginning of the weekend and he was scaring his, his employee with the dummies and stuff. He scared the shit out of backdoor Mike. And he put the, he put the black knob out. Like he was washing dishes at dots diner on a Friday of that weekend.

That was the picture you saw. I, I, I heard some scuttlebutt as junior would say, but I couldn't tell if Chad was actually doing something or not. No, I didn't do anything. Well, well,

Shaylee had mentioned that they might do something at a shady doubt, but if he told me when I fucking did not pay attention at all and then we didn't talk after Death Valley. It wasn't formalized. I figured it probably didn't end up being much of anything. So I I did not scream at anybody for Halloween this year. Annie Letterman got me back for me not showing up at Death Valley by not showing up at Skank Fest. Oh, no. I still didn't get the reason.

Somebody tweeted me the other day and said, Annie Lederman just called you a comic on some podcast. I was like, wow, that's cool. Well, you've done stand-up. And you're funny. Well, she just knows me from the podcast. You know, her boyfriend edits, you know, the issues with Andy's stuff. So it was funny.

We were at the Bretchells the other day in Austin, and I ran into, well, we saw Joe Rogan's set at Vogue. We went backstage afterwards, and as soon as I went in, Brett's like, you know, Shayla. He as soon as I went in, Brett's like, you know, Shayla, he goes like, Oh yeah.

Hey, Hey, I heard you got an elk. Yeah. Whoa. Not really. Shayla, are you telling me that between the two of us,

Joe Rogan sort of heard I got an elk? Holy shit. Yes. That definitely happened. That definitely happened. Oh, that's funny. Did you just say yes? Well, no, I corrected him because I know he'd know who Chad was.

No, Chad's the hunter, and he did get that elk. And he also, he just got a permit to hunt javelina. And he's like, yeah, those guys are mean. Oh, wow. That is a goddamn kind of a cool thing for me there. I had a weird moment where I identified with the Joe Rogan fans way too closely. And it weirded me out because after I killed my elk, I was real proud of myself. And a part of me wanted to tell Joe Rogan that I killed an elk.

And I was like, oh, is that what happens to all these guys? They want to tell people that they've done something. Oh, wait, this would be a good place to put in an official ad for Stage Man Underpants, our newest, favorite, bestest sponsor, stageman.com, promo code Stan Hope. It's the whole package. Just go buy two pairs and you'll never have to buy another pair of underpants for your entire life.

Just trust us on this one. That's stage man.com. Get yourself a pair. Get yourself two pairs so you can wear one pair while you wash the other pair and you don't really need to wash the other pair you just like to look at them off your body and go oh my god i can't believe how good these make my body look when it's really not that good at all dm me pictures oh oh san hope i almost dm'd you a picture of me using them as a convenient place to hold my phone while I took a shit. But I didn't know if that was appropriate or not.

That's so funny. All right, what were we talking about? Oh, and don't forget, use promo code Stanhope. StageBad.com, use promo code Stanhope. StageBad.com. Use promo code Stanhope. That's the only way we get paid. Part of me wanted to fucking call Joe Rogan, like fucking Aaron Rodgers for advice about COVID once I get tested. I mean, right?

When you get sick and you know someone else has got it, you call a pad it to find out what's going on. I mean, that's what Joe Rogan explained about Aaron Rodgers. Actually fucking called Joe Rogan. I know. Sat down stage. It's like, that's what you do when you get sick and you know someone else, a friend of yours who got sick, you call that person and go, hey, what was it like when you were sick? He goes, that's all. That's what you do when you get sick and you know someone else, a friend of yours who got sick. You call that person and go, hey, what was it like when you were sick?

Because that's all. That's it. You do the same. Hey, do you know anybody with AIDS? No. Good. Because you know me. Got it.

You're getting on a plane tomorrow or Sunday? 6.15 a.m. On Sunday? That's when my fucking cough is at its most gunneral. Fucking showing up all fucking bloated faced, coughing,

snot through my face mask. I have so many fucking face masks I keep buying from China. coughing, snot through my face mask. I'm just going to bring it. I have so many fucking face masks. I keep buying from China. Silly ones. I'm just going to bring a bunch in it. Anytime I fucking snot one up or sneezing one,

I'm just going to take it off, put on a different one. And I could do that for most. I was going to suggest bringing a bunch of throwaways. Oh, and bring a plastic bag with you. So you can at least put them in there and you don't stuff them in the seat pocket in front of you. Disgusting. I haven't even thought of all these problems you guys have to run across traveling.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, usually it's better in first class because no one talks to you in first class. No one wants to strike up a conversation about where you're going to or their sister's wedding. No one talks to you. But they're also way more cunty about someone showing fucking symptoms. Or, yeah, leaving a snail trail on the armrest. Or bringing your own tuna sandwich you got out of a box. I know we already talked about this a long

time ago but it's funny because that just reminded me do you remember the time when we were going and you got first class way before the pandemic way before anybody was there wearing masks and you were in first class and we were drunk as shit and you sat next to a woman with a mask and you tried to make jokes with her and she was so offended by you that you switched with me and sent me up to first class it wasn't gonna get better if he stayed she what was she now that we're doing yoga stretches and yoga pants in the in the uh waving it on the plane she was doing this whole thing and she had the mask on. I think that might have been it too.

And I think I might have been more obnoxious than Stanhope was, so I don't know that it fixed the problem. I don't remember the whole story now. It's fucked up. It's recorded somewhere. I get all this vintage Delta shit on eBay

and I'll bring a lot of stuff that I know I'm not going to use to gift out to the flight attendant. Like if they notice my vintage Delta pin, they go, oh, that's so cool. I usually have some vintage Delta shit. Just had this. I get a vintage Delta flight attendant doll in a box that I'm mailing to this Barbie. Yeah, it's it's underneath some shit in there. They go. Yeah, it's it's she's getting it.

But this is one guy, flight attendant guys like and I showing off some of my shit. I get a vintage Delta watch with two dials on it and showing them that. And then I gave him something like i here's a a tip some insider knowledge when they're giving out meals in first class they they go say there's five rows of first class they give you uh the first choice to the first row if it's an even number of flight or the fifth row on an odd numbered flight. I always fuck myself so I'm in the last row

and I know Delta only has three fucking things now. You get a strawberry salad. Who the fuck would order a strawberry salad? A tomato caprese mozzarella fucking sandwich or Italian ham sandwich which that sounds all right italian ham sandwich

which that's the only one that's it because that's what everybody fucking wants except that one yeah weird yeah regular sort of weird and really weird i immediately strike up the conversation and i gave i forgot what i bartered with him i gave him i had an extra pin that i had or something he's like oh you don't have to do that i go no no do that but can you make sure you hold aside one of those italian ham sandwiches for me i was bartering vintage delta gear for fucking first place at the commissary like i was in prison yeah yeah you were radar riley setting up your own meal moucher pet the fucking thing so he shuts up hey strawberry strawberry salad is just strawberries in like a romaine salad with a

balsamic dressing and the tartness with the sweet of the strawberry is really good. Listen, anywhere but an airplane, I might try a strawberry. I know what road to seat you in next time, Shaley. You need sharp flavors on a plane because your senses are dulled a little bit. That might be one of those

bonuses for being a 360 is you get that fucking cheap ass ham sandwich before anyone else yeah from you i have a long letter i've been crafting in my head to ed bastion the ceo of delta ed we need to talk i'm going to send it a registered letter to his office oh yeah that the yeah. Did you show the doll? No, we haven't seen the doll. Oh, that's not a Barbie. That's old.

It's not a Barbie doll. It looks like a little kid dressed up as a flight attendant. Yeah. So, yeah, this flight attendant that got me Ed Bastian's direct email is getting a doll sent in the mail as soon as Tracy's back to fucking mail it off. Nice. I think that's it. I have nothing else to add.

I got to fucking do my- That's a good update. That's great. Quick unpack, get to fucking Florida. That's our last trip. I fucking made a commitment to do a documentary, be in a documentary the first week of December. And I woke up driving back this morning. I'm thinking, I remember committing to something December 1st timeframe.

And I don't remember what. And I don't remember who. Tracy. But then. Okay, you remember. Because I was going to ask Tracy. I remember kind of what, but not who. Because I talked to Valentina. Whatever it was, I go, oh, I could get,

that would help Valentina's new nonprofit with human trafficking. It's something about the border or something. But I have no idea who I talk to about that. I don't know how. I don't know if it was an email, if it was a text message, if it was a phone call. I should never commit to it. I should never even have my phone when I'm flying.

As soon as we get through security, my phone should be like those gigs where Dave Chappelle makes you lock it up in a fucking purse so put it in a yonder bag of course chile knows the name of it no they got a big bulk and they were really good man the because i watched to kill tony the first one i ever watched and when you know that no one's recording or able to record, that's a show better. One of those things.

I think every audience should be completely naked. Or like plastic wrap for clothing. Just so the furniture doesn't get dirty. Alright. We've been coming off that upholstery.

Yeah. I hope to hang out with you guys before Las Vegas, but if not, then I guess I'll hang out with you guys there. It's been a long time. When you go on the road like this, I miss you guys. I don't see you at all. After Florida, we're

back. I mean, that documentary, they're coming to me. We'll be back for Thanksgiving. Key West is being moved. I don't know if they've mentioned that or you've taken it off the site. Key West is being moved for that undisclosed project I'll be doing.

It'll be changed by the time this goes. Well, this is going out tonight. I got the email from Hennigan today, but I was at the park. So I'll figure it out and we'll get that all updated. So yeah. So yeah.

Back on the website. Get on the mailing list. I think it's getting moved till after the UK dates and New York. I thought we're going to try to put it in right after New York. I don't even know if New York's on the site yet. I don't know. It's in April. I don't even know if New York's on the site yet. I don't know where I'm going. It's in April. I don't even know where Junior's going once I've booked him.

Or if you've booked him. Or if he's booked. All right, kids. It's fun to see updates of you out there on the road, San Hope, having fun. I miss you whenever you're gone, but when you see you out having fun, I know other people are having fun watching you. So that's been cool, man. Thanks for all the updates.

And, yeah, thank you to everyone at Skank Fest, especially Christine. That's Big Jay's wife that was just nonstop fucking working, and the volunteers that have so been fucking great people. It's nice to remember it's nice to remember. Yeah. Good reports. And the time we were there, it was fun just to be able to see a little part of it.

But yeah, getting those updates on Twitter from, from everyone. And then bingo sending those was a, was a real treat. So yeah, glad it worked out. She had a fucking blast.

She was great to see bingo too, out on the road. Happy birthday, Bingo! Thank you! Love you! Still wearing those clothes. Alright, kids. That was bad. Yeah.

Okay. Bye-bye now! oh that was bad yeah okay សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.