The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#475: Andy's Got Cancer

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

Doug invited comedian Andy Andrist on the podcast to announce that he has been diagnosed with cancer. Recorded Dec. 17th, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ via ZOOM with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist), Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Stageman Underwear - Stageman Underwear is ergonomically enhanced first layer gear for men. It's innovative design gently lifts the male genitals up and away from the legs for maximum performance and comfort. Go to www.Stageman.com and use Promo Code 'STANHOPE' to save 10% on your order. The World Record Podcast  - The World Record Podcast is the third and final award winning podcast created and hosted by Brendon Walsh setting the World Record for the funniest podcast in existence. - https://allthingscomedy.com/podcast/world-record-podcast Stay in the loop with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey welcome to the uh the doug stanhope shake the baby company christmas party uh with uh brian hennigan is all the way down from Las Vegas, Nevada, where we'll be for New Year's. Sold out, suckers. But check Twitter. I know a couple people have tweeted, hey, I get an extra ticket. I thought I'd have a date and a girl to kiss.

It didn't work out again. And beware, because there have been some scams at some of the shows. So just make sure you go through everything you can to make sure. That Zach Wynn guy, I noticed it, and I did not retweet it, because I'm trying to stay off Twitter, and I don't want people to know that sometimes I peek. But Andy's not going to be in Vegas, because he has a very funny story.

I'm going to let him tell it. But you can't come to Vegas because of why. Okay. Well, it's like, you know, when the athletes sign their letter of intent. Oh, I couldn't find a different hat. I thought I had it more. So I got. Focus on the C there.

I got, focus on the C there. I got cancer. Andy's got cancer. Oh. Come on, people. Come on, you can do better than that. It's there in his pancreas. We can do better than that. This isn't funny.

Well, he made it funny when he told me. When I was lightening the mood with Delaney in the car, it was, ha-ha, I got cancer. I didn't. I thought for a minute I didn't have cancer, but I kind of thought I did. And then I went and saw a surgeon today, and he said I'm 95. Whatever it is, it's 95% cancer cancer uh he sure is 95 sure it's cancer on that off five percent once once i get through surgery i can have chemotherapy so happy holidays i didn't even get it i didn't even ask for anything. I saw Santa, and I just kind of nodded.

Let's do this thing, man. And so here I am. I'm fucking January 20th. I'm about to lose a lot. I think it's called the whip. I'm losing part of my pancreas, which you don't need. It's like, you know, it's vanity. You know, it's cool, man. You still got all your pancreas uh you know it's vanity you know it's cool man you still got all your

pancreas you know must be nice but i'm taking a little that off getting rid of the gallbladder because what does that thing do anyway well it's kind of like a pinky toe it's there so it won't be there i'm losing that uh. The bile duct, the spot I have this cancer is inside the pancreas. So I could get the Michael Landon Award for, whoa, hey, this is worse than we thought. You'll get a different hat. So if I do meet hospice, it'll be in my recovery room where I will stay five luxurious nights in a hospital bed. And then they said it's a pretty short recovery of six months before I'll feel it. So I've got T-shirts available. Limited time only.

And then we're going to rename that comedy special. It's still available at naturejack.com. Now it's a fundraiser of sorts. And a little final shot or last show, maybe. So there you go. You're giving hennigan ideas yeah oh maybe stand up you should get cancer no i that's why i'm in now that's why i'm announcing it now because doug will get funnier cancer and it'll be more marketable you shouldn't even give a shit man let go of it

so yeah i felt pretty good the other day i got this stent put in and i talked to this doctor uh that did that procedure uh it took him about four days five days from a short note that said uh you know atypical cells malignancy those are the words i saw and i kind of filed them away and then i got this sort of good news where it's like this doctor who did the one procedure said he's going to do the next another the same procedure again only with a big lens cool why didn't we do it first time, big lens? And then repeat and pull a little more. And then the surgeon, he just had a map of my organs,

and he got a dark pen, and he just started showing me what was gone. This used to be Persia? Right. Right. this used to be persia right right it's it's it's all up to russia at this point but a lot of my territory is going to be inhabited or gone uh so uh yeah so the 20th and then uh and then uh january 20th yeah january 20th and a week a solid week of good drugs the hospital I'm going to be in surgery about four or five hours so that's going to be a lot of

narcotics right there yeah that's going to be a good nap I'm going to see if I can get him to cut it with fentanyl that's the 20th that's 20 days after Vegas you pussy come to Vegas yeah that's the thing if I get well my daughter is like know, you're going to go to Vegas to a casino during a pandemic.

When you're, you know, with cancer and a lot of peer pressure. Apparently, she hasn't seen leaving Las Vegas in the romantic light we do. Las Vegas in the romantic light we do. I've seen Andy at one of our shows when he had something to lose. I don't want to see him when he's got nothing to lose. I'm not in that hotel room.

I remember Hennigan blowing up backstage at a Vegas thing because Andy stole Louis Anderson's fucking cart. One of those old people. Rascals. Scoundrel.

I'll never forget. Also, I thought Hennegan was going to murder Andy. That was pretty intense. I didn't hear what he said he either said he would murder me or i will get cancer in my bile duct i always follow through yeah it's kind of good you know like i didn't believe in the power of prayer and now i got cancer so it works for some people i don't know if it's good news or bad news andy but through

all my death pool research which was a lot i never found anybody that died of vile cancer bile duct cancer that was not even on my radar that's why mine slid into the pancreas so it had a little more name association uh uh but that's where the piece that's where the piece is but they don't that you know these guys don't they don't these are doctors who are like cold-hearted like you know the next level manager uh or whatever and again uh where they watch you know they're they these doctors they're good at what they do. But if you're looking in their eyes for some form of empathy, you might as well stare into the garbage can. Cause you're not going to get, you know, they're, they're looking at it like, well, this will be fun cancer to tackle or, uh, well, this guy, you know, you don't get a lot of, you don't get a lot of bedside manner when you see a doctor that works out of a van.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't, in fact, you don't really want a doctor with empathy well actually does it your your wife is in the medical industry so does she have hookups not anymore she has hookups with it you hold witness cold now she's kind of out of the loop medically but uh uh you know for if i'm jockeying for one of them 140 000 positions uh this would be a time to make a solid move for that uphill climb you're gonna cut in line on your wife you did oh fuck yeah there's it's a it's a male it's a male oriented religion uh there and

uh and uh you know it's like this is perfect because I don't like I'm really interested in this stuff. But the cancer, I think I better go lay down. But I'm going to think about, you know, so I wouldn't have to do the study. And I could just show up and, you know, hang out with, you know, Jovi or whoever it is. But no, medically, you know, no. So I'm just I'm in, a you know i'm in seeing good doctors as far as i can tell that you know uh i got moved pretty quick you know i went from the doctor a physician's assistant he got me into those all them scans and then that got me now

i'm in the admiral's club i get a little cheese tray when i go in there they give me they have these really nice they're you know they look like fucking you've given up socks but when you're uh when your liver's blowing up and you got all these uh what are they called the billy ribbon uh sounds like a sandwich you get at a jewish shop but uh i got that leaking through my system and it's causing this intense itching. There's not even anything to itch. I'm just trying to finger through my foot and scratch. That's because of my liver malfunction and

shit. Your hair looks like you're already on chemo. I've been cutting my own in preparation. Just throw a clump out and then leave it in the you're looking very hunter s yeah that's the lighting and the cancer and I'm yellow I'm definitely

I'm I was way when I got well when I came out of the thing I was no I noticed it like fuck i'm bright yellow and my eyes were fucking yellow uh but leading up to that i was starting to get more and more into like liver failure kind of mode and uh so i'm still i'm bouncing back from that with this fucking stint oh and this doctor like i said can't we just put a gold stint in there

he didn't i don't you? He didn't laugh or acknowledge that. Maybe it's a matter of let's put a big fucking stint in there and maybe put some cancer fighting shit in it. I'm already plotting out and

outlining our beaches documentary. Beaches? I was thinking Weekend at Bernie's. You could drag me over to Rogan's and we could make up. The Weekend

at Bernie's angle, I mean, it'll cost nothing from now on. But I'm not dragging that body. By the way, January 20th is 20. January 20th is a number of days. It's national cheese lovers day. It's a penguin awareness day.

And it's also the day of acceptance. Oh, wow. Well, I'm half a queer like penguins and I do enjoy a cheese wedge oh good luck day for andy yeah yeah it was uh it was a roller coaster because you know like i said i got that good news the other day. And then we rode that through. And then Delaney went up to Portland, got my car window, got smashed in.

And her birthday gifts were burglared out of the back where she spent like all this money on all our students and people, you know, and smash and grab. smash and grab she comes drives back from portland with a fucking garbage bag flapping in the fucking wind and all her fucking her last little bit of uh you know humans are good ripped apart and uh but then here's the beautiful thing is uh i put a little appeal out you know like this is bullshit and you know my daughter doesn't deserve this and and that money came back all the way back window fixed and delaney and me went up to portland to go do the shopping that she had stolen and then we went to the portland zoo and walked around and i was like wow i'm starting to feel better and this is the first time i've really done anything for a couple months because i've been so sick and shit and uh and then i was like nope don't do it man don't allow that fucking optimism to creep in there you got cancer you've been on

this for 55 fucking years you were molested when you were a kid your fucking hopes and dreams are falling apart uh you're fucking this is your time man this is you i. I said to Raider earlier, I go, oh, yeah, he's got cancer. That'll stop him from talking about being molested for about three seconds. It's just true. Yeah, see, we're further in than that. But here's I did think of this, you know,

that motherfucker may outlive me. Remember, you got nothing to lose, Andy. I know. You know where he lives right yeah no well i don't even think i would i think i would right what comes to mind is uh you know uh fucking mcconnell because he he goes to kentucky i could hook up with some redneck fan out there and get a crossbow and find out what restaurant McConnell eats at and just go,

hey, man, I just want to tell you, I don't know about healthcare or none of that shit, but I got cancer. Put a dart in his neck. But I got to get a, you know, that's when hospice will trigger that. Hospice will be like that. You have five miles to go or whatever

that code where I'll just go, okay, I'm into action here. One meeting with hospice. be like that you know you have five miles to go or whatever that code where i'll just go okay i'm into action here one meeting with hospice will you be will you be like uh because like when bingo and i thought we had covid for eight minutes and i was like writing bits in my head and like all this if you just have one of those cancers that they just take it out and it's fine are you gonna be like let down that you can't milk it no i think six months in a recovery situation is probably going to milk the uh need for attention from anything whether taking your gallbladder trimming your pancreas uh taking the bile duct and yeah a little uh a little intestine possibly so you know i'm gonna weigh a little less uh just on that alone you know like if i didn't you know just laying around in bed and shit i'm not gonna burn a lot of calories but i'm not i'm gonna have to like uh i need

that bulk up like i should have like arthur henty show up and watch him eat and just kind of get into tune because i it's like like an internal tummy tuck right right and i'm already you know i'm already uh getting uh you know i'm already in the sean rouse territory of sweatpants right now so uh if i you know so i'm because i haven't been able to eat and really keep meals down for a couple months oh you should try marijuana yeah i've kind of been uh i've been definitely looking for more indica uh for i'm doing edibles yeah that's kind of my only you know knockout here so andy what did the doctor say about you continuing to smoke weed? We didn't we didn't go down that road.

But we are going to take a look at my lungs, too. I'm going to do one more scan and that could be like, OK, hey, hospice, what's up? Plenty of room in here, hospice. Thanks. Is that going to be another MRI? I think so. Yeah. And I would just like to wear a Doug Stanhope hockey jersey medium and then run out on the field and maybe kick a goal into the net thing. That's my make a wish. On heroin.

I picture Andy's hospice being the shortest hospice in history. Like as soon as they like, here's all the drugs for the next month for the hospice being the shortest hospice in history. Like as soon as they like, here's all the drugs for the next month for the hospice patient. All right. Thank you. And then 30 minutes later, Andy's already gone. Yeah.

I'll frame my frame. I'm already reframing my thinking about that dope sick mini series. You know what? Fucking Oxy was right. Let us have it. Let us have it. And on the doses we want to snort it in. What are you doing for Christmas?

Well, we don't celebrate around here downstairs, so I could have a stage of one-man Christmas. I had the momentum last year to fight the last war on christmas i we have our we had an ornament that says first christmas and it had a date on it and i wrote on the back last christmas in 2019 but you know that was a you know i did i did christmas last year to just uh you know, like, fuck, man, I get to sing Christmas songs. Oh, wait, I never liked singing Christmas songs and all that shit.

But, yeah, so this year I'll just have a low-key one. Between crying jags, I'll probably have some edibles and watch a lot of fucking shit I wouldn't have gotten to normally when I thought, man, I should paint. I still got to paint these rooms. I write some nah fuck it is it yeah is there any relief in that like oh because i always said that i i love having the flu or a cold like i love being desperately sick because it puts all the thoughts of i don't have to do this bullshit anymore. That list of things to do. Is there any gratification? I don't think so. I think, I mean, it sounds like, it sounds like I'll be like, Oh, I can't believe I made it up and down them stairs. Like, you know,

six months, he said, you know, and he says, I'm, you know, going into it in a much better situation than a lot of people. I don't have, you know, I'm not obese, you know, or, you know, I'm in an age. Yeah, it's not much positive. But he said, I'll be really in pain and for a while. And then because they saw that shit back together, too. It's not like just fucking Jeffrey Dahrey dahmer yarding it out you know so they sew it all back together and then i hopefully don't sneeze

there's a whole list of those situations too infections anyway yeah there was times in my life where i had a clarity that i should kill myself and now i'm thinking god damn what was i thinking not you know i had it you know it's like well he was just in despair and he hung himself okay well i wouldn't have to have my guts cut out and sewn back together. And six months of fucking laying in a bed week or, you know, probably not six months, but six months to recovery. So I'll probably be able to walk up and down the hallway after three months of agony. I think the young, I think that there's a lesson here.

It's for the young listeners, uh, Andy and, uh, which is if Andy did not have a daughter, he could kill himself today and, uh, don't have kids because someday you'll wish that you could do things that you can't. Yeah. Well, it's nice to see that. I mean, my kid was here and she, she, you know, it's like, you know, Delaney was laughing in the background while he was telling me he had cancer and how he was went on some tirade about Vegas.

And can I get my laminate back or something? But she was in the back. I don't know. Even though she was driving. Yeah. But she was laughing and playing along she's a fucking good kid yeah we'll take care of her andy yeah we'll take her out of that cult yeah well when i told her i go you know it's like we just saw that new ghostbusters and i

said it's like you know people don't even really have to fucking die they can just reanimate me you know get the warden from shawshank to play the body and my head will just go hey delaney i'm glad you got married today so i got to get to october for the wedding and uh and then you after that, just put a fucking, you know, animate my head for what year you think I might look like. Andy, Andy, you should actually do those videos now. So when you recover from cancer, you're really embarrassed that you put out all these. I know, Delaney, you're watching this and I'm in my grave. Oh, you haven't been on my new TikTok page, huh?

I got a whole bunch of other people to grift over there. That's quite funny. And it's good to have Prevenza on a deadline of sorts. For the listeners who don't know, Prevenza is Paul Prevenza. He did The Aristocrats. He's doing Andy's documentary that's coming out. And now he's got a good ending.

Yeah, I told him. I called him and i told him because i we were talking we talked about the possibility that you know this could develop into worse or whatever and i told him and he was like jesus man and i go i'm not telling you this is a friend i'm telling you this is a filmmaker giving you your fucking ending be doing business yeah I'm still not broke even on them god damn you know anyway yeah yeah

I would assume Provenza would be going up to film some of this Provenza called me about something yeah money probably so he can go up there to film it yeah that's what i thought it wasn't that but i was very drunk so i or hi i don't know i've been doing both they've been very high a lot lately yeah on that too that was that was one thing that uh you know i thought i might be getting a little better i got that stint and i had a couple days where i ate. And I fucking went at it, too. I had a macaroni salad.

I just banged into it. I was like, I don't have a fork or anything. I was like, I'm finally eating again. And then I was smoking weed, and I was like, oh, yeah, I'm getting high again. And then, but the roller coaster got to that high and then here we go long drop here but uh yeah it sounds like uh you know the do this i recover uh i go you know i'll have whatever that is maybe a diabetes type of thing or uh whatever but uh they didn't use it you know i think it's

for whatever fucking reason I get to get to it early so I can have you know more drama I would assume that the idea that you have a month before your surgery means it's a good thing

if they're not like hooking you up to tubes right now right to the ER right a good thing like if they if they're not like hooking you up to tubes right now yeah they didn't right to the er yeah right yeah so uh january 20th i got to choose the tent and i was still holding on to like i'll go to vegas and uh delaney was like you know she i can't do it just because you know she's invested in this story and uh that would be like you know you spent you know three days in a hotel room with a hooker and snorting what uh i don't know i was just snorting it that's what they offered who was paying for that hooker it was a patreon subscribers pitched in so it didn't cost me nothing i want to title this podcast eat your heart out tigna taro

yeah yeah i did i did have some when i thought i had cancer and and then and then i got that reprieve but i was like in a real like oh man i i could i could get up there and fucking blow it up the top of my head for 15 20 minutes with just the you know the because it all comes together you know it's like okay then then you also got your own internal deadline it's like well you know and does any of it really fucking matter as part of that deadline too uh but uh it was like you know that clarity of having okay yeah i probably do have this and this is how i'd say it or whatever and then it's uh you know now it's real now it's fucking uh now i'm talking about which organs are going and uh what you're staying you know

you get to keep a rose liver liver i'm sorry liver you betrayed me the fucking liver's coming back though that's what I thought you were doing at the zoo is go that one's got a good bile duct yeah I did think about from a panda if i hadn't gone down

the you know if i hadn't had that you know gone like do the mri do this and all that in pretty quick motion i would have just gotten more and more yellow and that probably would have dropped me and then then i started thinking about all them fucking pictures after shows you're fucking drunk and shit and then some guys holding you like a fucking the Indians were right, man. It's part of your soul. And then they're going, oh, man, this guy drank himself to death. Obviously. Look at this.

This is like 10 years ago. Look how fucking yellow his face looks. And I was like, no, man, it was the bio doctor. Fuck my liver. My liver was cool. I was just thinking, Andy, about all the bits that i've done that i became the person i made fun of and and you with the fucking i want to be eaten by a bear yeah yeah i just wish i had more roundup to spray around it's like oh it's a non-hodgkin's lymphoma isn't it no no i'm sorry

it's not oh fuck can you put mesothelioma into this cancer? Because that way I get a paycheck. Give me a list of corporations that cause this cancer and I'll start picketing outside. If anybody can find a class action, Andy, it's you. It's out there. Look. into class action andy it's you it's it's out there look and i told my daughter for years is you know like what i mean kind of the inevitable like here we are and it's like she's she's you know it won't work out but i was like put me in a wheelchair and then just you know make it look

like i you know the it's the bus's fault be aware of the cameras and i was like oh you know you're trying to stop the bus but he's looking that way and then i kind of nudged myself off the curb i can finally something where i could be of use to somebody andy that's a service right and then chad you're just a guy on the bus but when you go up there then you spray alcohol on the driver and go like this guy's been drinking this hammer is shot down his throat when he's not expecting it yeah yeah get him yeah you okay and then hit a squirt gun blast and then you step out and go jesus i think the driver's drinking it's the ocean's four and a half right i did a lot of thinking i did i did a lot of thinking after i survived that bus crash in florida it's like how could i have done this differently i was in the seat right behind the driver

and uh people almost got killed in that thing but i was like, how could I have done this differently? I was in the seat right behind the driver, and people almost got killed in that thing. But I was like, you know, perfectly fine. Next time. Sorry. Hang on. Brian's, if you put your ear to the microphone, Brian's trying to figure out how we can monet monetize this cancer no no i'm projecting empathy yes is that what that is yeah you gotta watch some deep dive some of the netflix series to

understand when a guy like brian's showing empathy which means jesus that's not what it looks like when I do it does it yeah yeah thinking of the penguins yeah no penguins should go without cheese it's also national camcorder day which why would that be a thing camcorder that's what we're

gonna film my next special on oh yeah please hold sir was there has there been a doo-doo situation there this month a doo-doo situation what do you mean by a doo-doo situation hello this month? A doo-doo situation? What do you mean by a doo-doo situation? Hello, everybody. It's me, Brendan Walsh, the B-Man. Listen to the World Record Podcast. It's the funniest comedy podcast in the world. Check it out.

The producers found him past the fuck out. He's got cum all over his pants, and there's a constrictor around his neck. David Attenborough. David Attenborough. And they're like, David, Mr. Attenborough, are you okay? He's like, if you tell anybody about this, I'll be clean. Kill your family. Me and my

co-host, Hellman, make crank phone calls like this one. This is a show where men try to seduce their dads. I'll get my manager over here and I'll have her talk to you. So listen to the World Record Podcast. Watch the awesome videos.

WorldRecordPodcast.com. This podcast is insane. You're calling the mother of your children a hoe. I'm just calling all women hoes. That's how I refer to them. How do you want to be remembered i i don't know i don't want to be uh i don't know the frame that yet it's like when they asked about my advanced directive today i was like shit man i don't know who's getting the dave matthews disc it's a lot to hit me with right now advance directive you know but uh

stolen this year don't rub it in i got no bike to give away now i know i know i know i've thought about this in in the uh and you know like i'm gone it's a better situation here because and so you know she can hook up with the guy who shares her thing and they can frame me as like well yeah he was a bit of a hothead or whatever you know but everybody moves on I remembered how I am and and all that but then then they find out that that body that was at the hospital that wasn't me at all right right and then and then chad's up in alaska years later and he goes off grid and then there i am we talked about this i know i'm getting ahead of the conversation but can can we bury you uh beside ichabod and

henry phillips because we still haven't sure i mean you know i don't get a lot of lip from your wife no i don't i don't think so i don't you know i'm not i don't have one of them plots and if i did i would have sold it long ago you know it's like a it's like you have to be like a member of a country club to think you're going to be put in the ground these days it's like you know i can't afford much land alive so i'm not going to be able to like yeah i got this sweet little spot over there by mary lincoln so yeah i don't know i would think that you'd want to be uh cremated and then we could all go out and jerk off in nature throw your ashes while we do something like that because uh you know

otherwise i mean you know who wants to be you know like i keep mom on a shelf or whatever you know my daughter might you know she would like what do you want a little pennant you know little daddy gravel pennant i'll chop i'll chop i'll get some heroin and i'll fucking chop off a finger and we can do it while i'm still here to enjoy it here's a little daddy's like a bone from his his chipped off pinky and uh bone from his chipped off pinky. Oh, geez, yeah. Andy's already done heroin. Yeah, I know.

If we're going to have a premature going away party, which we always jump the gun on everything. I'm just going to leave a pause here for Chile to edit this out because it might be something we shouldn't put on air, but how many

credit cards do you currently have? Not enough, right? Exactly. Yeah. I shouldn't leave Doug with one final tab. Yeah, we should really be uh writing your will well i guess they they asked me about that or you know so i can you know my mom said my mom important shit not the do not resuscitate that stuff oh yeah that's silly things that you leave you know those I bequeath a challenge upon you.

If you complete all seven of these challenges I bequeath you with, you will find the prize. Brewster's dozens. You have to be a certain age to get that joke. Yeah, so the good news is i quit drinking just in time yeah on the edge of yellow yeah i don't know i don't i don't envision picking up on drinking anytime soon hang on hang on because i know how little uh research i would put into my diagnosis if i were in your position

i would just listen to some words like you say yeah yeah i heard atypical and i heard malignant and that's it i would hear that but was there uh fuck i forgot my question uh is there yeah all right now i forgot my question god i'm glad i'm getting out with cancer before the brain goes like looking up your own diagnosis like you'd put very well you know yeah well it's kind of i mean that's the whole thing is i is I don't like any kind of directions. I don't like when they gave me a picture of my own innards and I can't look at that. But when this guy shows me a map of, you know, some other person and he's just lopping off shit, I can look at that. But I, you know, my daughter is very, you know, she asked good questions.

And once it was like, oh, you know, that's something I would have wondered about or whatever. So she was there to soak in the information because on my best day, I would go in there and go, all right, fuck. What was that again? Or whatever. But you know, I knew that this, I kind of went in there thinking that the other guy was, you know, what he told me was accurate. And this was just talking about, well, if this does come back, that it is this, this is what we'll do. Not here we go.

You know? Oh. And then there was that song from the opening of bad Santa was playing. Wow. I'm waiting to talk to the lady. After I found out I got cancer. And then we're going to schedule the procedure. And then where, you know, it's just a fade in when he's talking about how she it's like, it's not even Christmas music. Right. But I'm hearing that.

And then my wife is being taken with her friend. It's taking her to have a colonoscopy. So it's like, we're both on the third floor i'm sitting over here listening to that piano music at the opening of bad santa with delaney and i go there goes your mom and she goes mom bad news dad has cancer i was like jesus christ and then that music's playing too so i'm like you know so that's how it all played out i mean you know but she's right fucking there you know she's on the other side of the glass going down for her thing and i happen to be right that's the fucking you know same exact floor you guys are competing for that seat in heaven no she's fine and that's what that's how it's gonna that's how it's gonna work

out better around here because one of us is very unemotional and can move on quickly and they don't mourn people because they just go somewhere else or whatever so it'll just be like and she can take up with the dude who'll listen to all that shit uh you know maybe he'll maybe he can paint that fucking wall they I ain't ever getting to it. Paint that wall. Yeah. I think it comes from a lot of what we do for a living over decades of having people that are close to you and then not seeing them again, except on the road here and again.

And yeah, I mean, Chad, you, I, close to you and then not seeing them again except on the road here and again and yeah i mean chad you i less so hennigan and chaley maybe yeah we always talk about being prepared to fucking die but now that you're faced with it is it is there like any kind of all right i feel differently now i have the same fucking question thank you for asking if i was walking in a store and i saw a shooter i would have a real clear sense of purpose like grab a big can walk right up and lock you know because it's like yeah i feel like you know something like that or just like yeah you know i mean it kind of felt like it it sort of seemed inevitable when i read those three words on there and i and then i got this guy he said we're going to redo

this and you'll be you know and then it's like well maybe i'm out of the woods there because they've done all these scans they've covered a lot you know they've taken a lot of pictures so if this had spread anywhere i think they would they would be telling me that you know so it's right in that one spot and uh so you know but yeah i guess they're you know it's just like a it's like when i had that trip in in bisbee when i thought i was dead and i ended up in the back of that schoolhouse and everybody was gone and i'm like shit and i was just in that courtyard pacing around and there was something that looked like my daughter's stuffed animals and the garage lights looked like the faces on her monkey and i went through that thinking i'm dead perfect sense if you've ever tripped talking about you need to trip i went through yeah it's why i mean it's one of the things

about it it's like you know you kind of so this this one i really thought i was dead uh i walked around finally the schoolyard but it was like that mash where the guy uh was a dead soldier and he's waiting for somebody to tell him where to go so he's just kind of around and then the guy creepy dude who was running that place at the time grabs me by the arm and walks me down the hill and i just like fucking seeing lights like i don't you know i knew i was going to hell or wherever and but i just didn't want this guy to be the one leading in there so i shook him off and went in and i the whole evening i was quiet because i just was waiting to to know where i will you know just place me man you know i don't i don't and i and then i still had to pee a lot, which is insulting when you're dead.

You're like, fuck this, man. Human bullshit. So eventually, though, I woke up, but the next day I had that. When it's done, how people remember you is how they remember you or whatever.

There's nothing more to be done. You can't go, oh, shit, man. I still have two drink tickets. Cause it's just, you know, I still have two drink tickets. I can't die here. I got drink tickets in my pocket. So, uh, yeah. So, I mean, I, I remember that from that trip. It's just like, you know, shit, you know, I'm not dead. But I was like, you know, you kind of let go of things the same way in your mind.

I was like, oh, you know, what am I, you know, what's the struggle? Sink, you know. Just go down. It's over. So, let me just ask you on that, Andy. So, like, when you think about, think about what are your plans for tomorrow? What would you normally – are you thinking, I'm not going to do anything tomorrow?

I kind of, but I need to start really moving because I feel like I can. Last night was the first time I took an outdoor walk for a while. So I'm not going to get sick. I can really sensibly eat so i'm putting on protein and get myself in as best shape as i can uh for going into that surgery because it's going to take me every bit of that strength and uh weight and everything to uh hit this thing uh with my you know i mean i'm more worried about being diminished and, and being a weak and fucking, uh, soul because I, you know, I'm just going rolling with the punches. So that's my goal

is to fucking, uh, you know, to get on that because my immediate, my immediate thing is to be there for my daughter's wedding and, uh, hit this thing with, some some fortitude some footing otherwise i'm going to come out of that surgery and be like the fucking jello i'll be eating showed emotions yeah i know it's just a little bit of cracking and i don't even like when you called me and told me you had cancer we laughed laughed and laughed and laughed and go, Hey, yeah, we'll do a podcast tonight. Then I went out and I started to kind of cry a little bit. I'm like, I don't understand why my face is doing this. Yeah.

Tin man. It's very cold here. It's in the house. All right. It was in the house. All right. So, Andy, would you say that your cancer diagnosis has given you a will to live like nothing else has done before? Is that a fair statement? Because before, you and I were always on the same page.

You had nooses in your trees, man. Right. Well, it's a different thing. I mean, you know. your trees man right well it's a different thing i mean you know the other was a a sensible way out of just some mental uh pain or whatever and now you know if i go in that into that route you know i'll be fucking dragging myself out there too weak to make a good knot uh you know but you know i do have this that that 20 days or uh in january i gotta be you know able to walk a couple miles without being winded and shit and uh do it on a regular and uh you know because this is you know if i cave in i won't make it for my october date uh you know andy and chad probably as well i i think that's probably one of your one of my

biggest fears is getting some kind of cancer that could be treated but would be kind of debilitating like if i had like you're gonna die cancer then then suicide is an option but you can overcome this you're just being a pussy. Right. But, you know, and I could find out on the other side that it's a, Hey, it's a lot worse than we thought, you know? Jenny and I play that game all the time. Stan hope like to where I'll, I'll negotiate with her. Cause she's, you know,

her and my daughter basically made me promise like not to off myself. So I will play and I'll be like, all right, right what if i what if i get a colostomy bag you know how irresponsible i am like that's not going to work well for anybody at all can i kill myself if i get a colostomy bag it's like all right it's one of my top fucking items yeah it came up when he talked about removing organs. I guess this is going to leave. Kill me now. You don't need a fucking gallbladder. No one has said, oh, my gallbladder is really itchy today. I wish I could get rid of it.

But yeah, if you have to shit in a bag, that's a whole different. I know. Yeah. Well, in this surgery, I mean, I'm pretty sure what delaney says it's called the whip so that is it's like you know it's a something that happens to a lot of people or whatever and they they remove that maybe it's that you know the gallbladder trimming the other pancreas and all that but you know i think i said i think i got you know pancreas into a mullet yeah they're just taking out your bermuda triangle andy that's it hit those little spots and you'll be all right carve a a in it if you're in there you know so what's the whip is that the procedure i think you know that's no that's that i think that's the surgery of where you trim that

trim that and uh that uh because of the bile duct i guess you know i mean you know it's well documented i don't pay attention to uh fucking directions and then you know and then i came back from the procedure and went you know i did like i went to the we went to that movie after the new ghostbusters one and uh and i don't go get some popcorn you know and i said i fucking ate a half a tub of popcorn because i hadn't really this the stint was in and it was working this was day after yeah and it's like and then you know and then she gets home and reads the directions and I'm supposed to be on a liquid diet. So it's going to be taking a fucking easy, you know, like easy, not going to the movies and eating a tub of popcorn. And and then, you know, and then I hurt.

And then it was like, well, fuck, man. I, you know, I hurt. It was like three or four days after that. Now, well, that was Friday. So like yesterday in the evening in the day i started doing this prednisone for the fucking itches and shit and i think the roids got me going a little so i got a little more energy but i and then yes last night i felt pretty good like maybe i'm recovering from all this shit uh you know but i you know next time i'll look at them. Goddamn post-surgery, it's called, directions.

You need to. Because, Andy, can I tell you guys what Andy's referring to? The whip is a Whipple procedure. That's it. Also known as a pancreatic duodenectomy is a complex operation to remove the head of the pancreas, the first part of the small intestine, the gallbladder, and the bile duct. So, like a circumcision. The whipple procedure.

Yeah. Whipple good. Whipple. No, the head and the body will die. That's what you do. Yeah, I always wanted to outlive my organs. You know, everybody knows you don't need a head of a pancreas yeah i think that needs to be repeated and he just said i always wanted to

outlive my organs yeah keep them around in jars yeah you can take that pancreas i ain't using it Yeah, keep them around in jars. Yeah, you can take that pancreas. I ain't using it. Oh, Jesus. Andy, I don't think you have any idea how many people you are inspiring. To get the Whipple? Hey, man, if a bunch of people do it, maybe I can get a discount.

Whether they need it or not. Use the code. Just get the Whipple in solidarity, you assholes. Yeah, use the code IWAWIPPLE. And send me some goddamn gummies. Oh, man. I want a file duct for Christmas. Because I ain't been nothing but bad.

I got coal in my bile duct. No, Santa says it's cancer. Oh, shit. Would coal be all right? No, coal would cause cancer. Oh, fuck. So it's a bile duct, huh? Yep.

I like Christmas sweaters better. I want you to hospice down here. Yeah. In the guest house, just so Brian doesn't come all around. She just want his leftover pills. Yeah, I know. It's like a payback. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I want like a, you know, the hard case that works for hospice. Not one who's going to come, you know, jack me off a couple of times and clean out my debit accounts. He's still warm. I know that's why I needed to use his hand for the keypad i also i mean i also thought i would outlive larry and all of larry's organs and uh your brother yeah my brother larry's uh you know he he's been dying for years and i'm like catching them it's the the rabbit and the tortoise have you talked to larry or your brother no my brother david's been telling him stuff and larry's been you know i mean you know i'm telling him what's going on and then larry's taking it pretty tough you know like he he goes to the harmonica and uh sits in somber he plays tunes for me you know i i hopefully not well if i'm in a hospice situation

it's like yeah larry go down the hall please you're not good oh imagine that's how you die andy you're just laying there and you can't tell larry to shut like i'm fucking dying and I'm just picking up bits and pieces and going, that ain't Danny boy, is it? Larry playing Moth Harp. I don't know the words. That's an Irish thing.

But the kid, Larry, get the fuck out of here. I don't like it. Like Breaking Bad, could you just shut the fuck up and let me die? So I'm going to learn to cook meth in the next 20 days. 30 days. What do I got?

It's about 30 days. Yeah, about that. It's the 17th. So yeah, get them on before you go under the knife. Yeah, there's a two-for-one offer on Masterclass just now. So, you could have a bottle of Martinelli's for New Year's. What's that, booze? No, that Martinelli's.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It looks like a champagne bottle. I remember because Mother was in AA, so she'd have that for AA friends for New Year's. I don't know if I need a slide whistle for New Year's Eve when I'm going in for organ removal and chance of cancer is 95%. Woo! Woo!

uh andy are you are you uh like i guess all right let me have a i don't know how to phrase this like are you nervous about the procedure going in or more the cancer being uh around and it being a long-term thing because the procedure i mean a procedure to me always sounds fun because i'm gonna be knocked the fuck out. And then if I don't wake up, then I don't wake up. That's a pretty decent way to go. We all want to die in our sleep. I guess what I would worry about is waking up and finding out we're just in the middle of this.

It's worse. Also, we had to do a little more than we thought. Here's your heart it's in a jar your lungs were kind of fucked up but it turns out here's how you attach this bag turns out the government

put six million dollars worth of shit in you and you can now smoke weed on an artificial lung as long as you keep your heart plugged into this you should be all right yeah i mean just you know coming back and and just it being all for kind of not and just be going okay you know and then you know that's just you know i don't want to be feeble i don't want to fucking uh you know i don't want to fucking, you know, I don't want to go into a fucking two for one coupon at a,

at a fucking old folks home holding hands, thinking this is going pretty good. So, yeah. So, you know, I haven't, you know,

I mean, I had, I got it choked up, you know, my kid was here and all that. And she, you know i haven't you know i mean i i got it choked up you know my kid was here and all that and she you know she really is the emotional bond here and so her being gone i'll just kind of go into uh whatever i'm doing but i am like i said i'm going to just try to burn the uh the hills a little bit so i um have my strength back going into this thing you know sure uh and so that's it you know and then

if i come back and i'm all fucking weak and then i'm gonna fucking rig myself up to something and they go out with uh some some sort of phlegm flammable and drugs and you know i don't know you know maybe a cover band oh yeah that was a newser story today. Some guy off his meds or something walked into a police station, soaked in a flammable sanitizer, and they tased him, not knowing he had covered himself and burned to death. Oh, wow. I don't know. To do something like that, I don't know. I don't know if like, you know, like to do something like that.

I don't know if I'd want cops who don't give a fuck about any other human being. The point is, Andy, you had that bit where I don't want to die in my sleep. I want to die in a flamboyant way. Yeah. Maybe eaten by the bear was the right. Yeah. Yeah. Eaten by a bear.

It's changed. Uh-huh. And grizzly bear man kind of ruined it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, the thought of, uh,

already being in that process where it's like, you know, Oh, if I could only have the strength to get up and I'd like to eat a roast beef sandwich. I would really, I would like, if I'm in that situation i would be like how hard is it to get a gun in america make a few phone calls you know andy if you ever start to get depressed and sad about maybe not making it to your daughter's wedding in October? Just remind yourself

that if she cared that you were there, she'd move the date up. That's because of COVID. They had to really plan a ways out there. When they planned it, I didn't even have cancer. In fact, I didn't even have cancer this morning this guy could be 95 percent full of shit and i'm just taking the fucking thing it's like 95 so all right i'm gonna play the five percent i'm gonna see if if Annie Letterman will take me somewhere and do ayahuasca and put some hot stones on my chest.

I'm just saying, one of your deadlines is flexible. That's all. I'm willing to consider some witch doctory or alt medicine. What has Rogan got going for this sort of ailment? Surely there's

some ointment I can put on this shit what did andy kaufman do the fucking weird shit where he went to the philippines oh yeah they pretended to take organs out through some sleight of hand go to a magician andy is what i'm saying yeah well what's that uh fucking extreme dude in vegas that had cancer jonathan amazing jonathan oh he's still around yeah right yeah i could go see what he's just came up on a podcast i did where he's like yeah i do coke and heroin and the doctor said keep keep doing it. Wow. I remember whenever there was a documentary where he was about to die. That was the whole thing.

How embarrassing. You do that, and then you live? Actually, I think that was Provenza. When we covered for you, Provenza and I did the podcast. I think he was talking about Amazing Jonathan. All-huh all i know is i had him in death pool when he had some heart ailment and oh man this is inside the next thing i remember i don't like doing death pool yeah yeah i didn't want to be included in the list what i heard i was and now i'm a hot commodity on there. People are calling their houses for meetings.

I got this picture. It's in my current whatever downloads. It's me, Doug, Sean Rouse, and Ralphie May all at a table. It's like fucking Back to the Future now. No, it's Last Comic Standing. Now it's for you. Yeah. I said to Valentina today, I go, yeah, I told her about your cancer.

And she said, yeah, don't you get cancer? I go, I don't go to doctors. So you can't get cancer if you don't go to doctors it'd be like if you you were drinking and it just spilled down your face eventually it'd be like getting discouraged like i'm drinking it just dribbles down and i can't get drunk anymore well your pipe holes are plugged okay we'll open them back up. Well, here's the problem. I said, I don't fucking interrupt my fucking internal organs doing their personal business. It's none of my business what my internal organs are doing. I don't ask a lot of questions.

That's how you get cancer. Asking questions. Go to a surgeon in a van. Yeah. get cancer asking questions go to a surgeon in a van yeah my my complaint was is i'm you know like i'm having a indigestion and i throw up a lot you know like milk and magnesia you know my you know that's what the other generation they drink milk and magnesia for 30 years and then they would die because they got run over or something but they would be full of cancer but i went and complained about it and uh you know i guess that's you know when you can't eat you can't take on calories and you can't survive or whatever so that's how it started i didn't intend to get cancer i was just trying to make it so I could eat pizza better.

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We're family friendly. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Stanhope, I have some advice for you. I like your not going to the doctor plan at all, but you have to, like Andy said, advance directives. You have to set up some advance directives where you can be like, all right, I think this, I'm going to just text Shaley and tell him to put locks on the gates and then nobody checks on me because the downfall will be that somebody will find you fucking looking all yellow and fucked up

and then take you to the hospital. My uncle did that. I went to Thanksgiving and I was like, what's going on? Hey, not much. What's going on? And I was like, what the fuck happened to your voice and he goes i don't know probably fucking cancer i haven't been able to talk like eight months and sure enough it was fucking cancer and uh he was almost uh the family found him and rushed him in and then they brought him right back to life just so they could take him back home and put him on hospice.

And he could suffer for a couple of months. And at one point, he whispered to Jenny. He goes, I was almost there. I was almost there. They fuck it. I was like, oh, you poor bastards. Yeah, his advance directive would have said, you know, when I get to that point, let's fucking up the ante here a little bit. When I say leave me alone, everybody leave me the fuck alone.

And then you come check on me when you smell me. Yeah, I think that's where I was going when I lost my thought with Andy is I always think that I will. When I face that situation, I'll be like, yeah, I'm going to fucking die. But I've never faced it, nor have you, Chad, where we say that. Yeah, I'll just fucking die. I'll just kill myself, whatever. But we've never been diagnosed.

No, I have to go in January for a echo cardio and all the stress tests and all this stuff, because I've had some stuff with my heart, uh, recently, and they checked it out when I had my physical at the VA. And I told them, they were like, well, did you, well, what do you do when this happens? You know, when this happens, and I said, I said, nothing. I said, do you go to the hospital? I said, no, my wife asked to take me to the hospital, but I told her I promised not to kill myself. I never was promised not to have a fucking heart attack. At one point it was bad.

I, I was, uh, I kept my whole left arm was, uh, fucked up and I, and, uh,

and I, my heart was kept having these fucking problems, whatever the fuck's going on with it. I don't know. Angina. I think it is. Angina? Yeah, yeah. Angina.

But I did reach the point where I did tear up, and I just told Jenny, do you want me to take you to the hospital? I told her, no, just come here and give me a hug. And I told her fucking like shit that you would tell people if you thought you might fucking die but i definitely didn't do anything to intervene i just kind of hoped that uh i didn't have to kill myself yeah it's like remember that uh what was his name the guy who wrote caddy shack and he went to hawaii and he fell to his death and at his funeral somebody said he fell looking for a better place to jump from. Kenny, that's Kenny.

Nice. But I think, you know, that's sort of like, I don't want to die like this. I want to, you know, get healthy so I can die proper, you know? Yeah. Like, oh, yeah, that's, you know, yeah yeah he should have known better than to do that you know it's like that's how i want to die not uh oh it's just dwindled down there towards the end dwindled i think i think if something happened all at once i'd be okay with it i guess was my point but if i had something like andy i would go i'd do the whipple i think and see what happened there yeah exactly and that's the

quandary is all right how much pain versus inconvenience versus right like honestly have to live for if i would if the stent was better and i could you know just go like well that stent will be there for six months it's almost like yeah let's fucking you know because i feel better you know and all that but you know the stent isn't going to last in there and how i was before it was like you know the quality of life of fucking you know eating a cracker and then going out and spitting it up in the driveway with a bunch of bile and shit it's like i shouldn't you know it's like if i'm doing a bump off a toilet you know a little bit of nosebleed is expected but eating a fucking saltine washing it down with a little gatorade shit and throw your system out

you know so uh having gone through that for a few months i guess you know having this little little uh bit of relief so i can you know eat sensible meals and shit is kind of a hey well it's better than it was but what if this is as good as it gets and uh all right we're gonna we're gonna make the guest house into finally, because since mother, we always had that idea of doing comedy hospice. People who want to die laughing and do comedy hospice. So that option is available to you if it gets to that point. But I'm a tough one, though, because I'm a comedy snob. It's not going to be some, you know, shirtless juggler or something.

I'll be like, we're only jugglers. Hey, I'm going to sing a couple of songs I just wrote. No, no, no, please. I've already checked James Inman's avails I'll read you some of my poems I wrote about you Inman would keep it going until I did I get it James

James Inman is already reading him prayers from the thing every time someone's gonna die tibetan look at it yeah well he called me or he wanted me to call him because he had a dream about jeff the director of the unbookables but he you know it was a real you know he did he was reaching out in a nice way and so i called up, and then I was talking about that with him. And he goes, just don't die without telling me. And I go, well, funny you mentioned that, James, because I may have cancer.

What? You're fucking with me, man. You're 9-11. But, yes, so I talked to my friend James, who I hadn't talked to in years. I talked to my friend James who I hadn't talked to in years just an angry counterpoint that does a character that I don't quite understand why he says he

hates my fucking guts and such but yeah so Inman's aware Inman's in the loop I didn't want to surprise him with it because anyway anyway

so I may be you know we may be leaning in on them patreon subscribers to keep say issues with andy we'll be right back after whipple back in 30 minutes after the whipple that that's definitely something i would do is, is, uh, fill my own death, like on the podcast, like the 30 days in the hole. And I know you would do that too. You,

you would do issues with Andy to the last breath. Right up. Yeah. Uh, and I would do you better yeah well i i mean i had we we talked about this and i said that's going to turn into the you know and i had that fatalistic uh sense of humor my dad where i'd say you know it's always oh well uh call the grim reaper he's getting a leg removed and call the grim reaper and it's like yeah that's funny but it's also big picture you know he knew you know he knew what that leg was going led to the other leg going and then you know so he's like just

saying might as well call the grim reaper but you know now we can cut them short we can shorten them pants so we shorten them pants and then eventually that wasn't enough either so uh you know i i know i wouldn't want to go out like that you know my dad uh he was whittled down he was uh you know he learned he just accepted it you know i mean what can you do he's paralyzed all this other shit's wrong with you because you're paralyzed diabetes then that you know then all the oxygen's getting you know you don't even know when it would have been a good time to die you know in there because you just become a weakened weakened kitten anyways send me sympathies in audible books i'll be doing a lot of uh audible books i think this uh this off season yes short story hey hey i just uh maybe one day brian hennigan will get my fucking audible book on

print because i spent a lot of time making it print worthy hey guys uh sam talent did an audible original book yeah i heard just heard. I just heard. It's like part of the account. I went to download. I was going to spend a credit on it, and I looked it up. It's part of my Audible subscription. I could listen to it for free. It's called Atta Boy. I think Raider brought that up.

Yeah. Atta Boy. I've listened to a part of it's really good attaboy yes I said it three times you can't hear me yeah we can hear you

I don't know why Jesus hey my best friend is gonna die in the next couple of days and i i'm trying to deal with it i thought henry phillips is already dead or henry yeah well andy i i looked this whipple thing up again i don't want to keep bringing it up but i know i feel like this wasn't brought up because now you usually when you think of surgery these days and maybe you did say it but uh it's not like a uh uh it's like an open surgery they have to open you

up to do oh yeah yeah it's uh it's a it's a good one i was looking it up but it says that it's like an open surgery. They have to open you up to do this stuff. It's a good one. I was looking it up. It says that it's often a life-saving surgery for people who have cancer. It's exactly what it says here at the Mayo Clinic website.

Exactly what it says here in the glass half-full dictionary. That's what it says. I think they're legally bound to say that. Fantastic horrors. A lot of people in the... Trust science. That's what we say.

Trust science. Just because I got low marks in it doesn't mean it ain't real. marks in it doesn't mean it ain't real Bigfoot I have trouble believing in because it's like shit and I just want a hint of evidence but anyway

hey tweet at Andy Andrist I assume that's your tweet it is uh if you're listening to this podcast tweet things that should be on his tombstone my grandma i can't tag andy's tombstone or no they can't i was gonna say epitaph but our fans can't. I was going to say epitaph, but our fans can't spell epitaph. They can't spell tombstone either. I was in the Seattle competition years ago, and I was just a bunch of comics sitting around. They were talking about a relative who died, and I said,

my grandma died, and we didn't have a money for a headstone or, you know, marker. And then somebody at the table says, well, I got a big piece of ivory. And then another guy goes, I engraved that.

And so it was like all came together. And, uh, and my grandma used to say when the good Lord says, that's it, that's it. So that's what her says, which is like,

you know, I told this guy they put his her name and dates and then me and david planted it at night because that was you know you're supposed to pay for that so we dropped that piece down on where grandma may was and now that's what her says and there's one in coquille where a kid died he was big into motley crew and his says motley crew rocks it's like uh you know they're forever but my grandma she would say that all the time like she was like she would you know she'd be like oh good you got cancer that's great i've tried to get it for years but she would say i

don't know why the lord keeps me around you know like you know i would think maybe you know so to remind people that you know don't drink so much you'll shit your pants a lot or, you know. But she had like, you know, she felt like she was tortured and that she wished the Lord would just take her. And that was her saying, I wish the Lord, you know, good Lord says that's it, that's it. Up until then, it's all on him. How much he wants to fucking abuse you,

if you believe in that sort of thing. Does this qualify as a cliffhanger podcast? Well, it does qualify. End of the year special? It's a company Christmas party. That's right. God bless us, everyone. God bless us all everyone ouch i called i called uh uh chad today after we talked

because hennigan and uh chaley were over having lunch in mexico i got a call from andy oh last night and because you went in for your procedure and then you did your own podcast issues with andy right yeah uh and i i called andy last night i've been chaley last night and i was shit-faced and i said so uh what happened with andy he says you have to fucking go on the patreon to find out like thank you i just hung up uh-huh and then when you called me today i'm like oh i never yeah never found out from chaley he must have cancer and then i called chad shank and he's like yeah i missed a call from him i assumed he must have cancer so yeah i didn't tell yeah i remember chad was probably at the christmas lot and i was indeed but uh and And then I was like, that shake as a day job. That's a different podcast.

Podcasts. Because it's hilarious. Once you're dead, we're going to do, we're going to focus on Chad Shank. I got, I got a job so I can have something to podcast about. And Andy gets fucking cancer.

Now I'm having a job for no reason. You dick. Yeah. I've got a Twitch stream that I'm just going to set up in my hospital room with a camera on me when I fucking get some pain meds through my thing and I Twitch. That'll be a whole broadcast.

It'll be the pain med stream and the Twitch of enjoyment. It'll be the pain med stream and the twitch of enjoyment. It's funny you say that, but your hospice bed twitch stream would net your daughter a lot of dollars. Well, that's the thing is also, you know, with COVID and everything, it may be that I'm in recovery with, you know, which I kind of prefer. I wouldn't want like fucking weird relatives or my wife coming up there and like, oh, I'm going to just sit and go over, you know, look over my fucking grocery list or whatever. You know, I want to suffer and recover in peace, you know. But my daughter's seeing if she can come in and visit because she's going to be home and help me navigate this or be on the other side of it.

Because, you know, after a week, I'll go home and have five and a half to six months of recovery, including chemo possibly. So I probably, you know, we'll need a little assistance there. Shit. I'm already my dad used to say, I don't want to be a burden. And then, you you know he had paralyzed legs and that he needed help shitting and stuff so it's like well you know however you want to frame it i'll be a burden for a minute for sure uh i can't wait to be a burden. Come on. You're already there. No.

Yeah. So thanks. Goals for 2022. I think you walked Hennegan. I think you were crying outside. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not used to seeing that kind of thing.

Yeah. You're pulling heartstrings, Andy. Yeah. Well, I just want to raise awareness. Not that many people have heard it. People are are gonna blame you for your death that's blame you for your death they're gonna say oh well yeah yeah well you smoked a lot of pot and like no no i had it coming by a bear yeah you fucking bitch he was eaten by a bear, wasn't he? It wasn't his time to go. It's not too late to get eaten by a bear. Yeah, well, they're hungry. I'm doing Andy's old bit about they should put the cause of death in every obituary.

He was lifted up to heaven in the arms of an angel. No, I want to know how he died. What happened? He's about my age. I want to know what killed him. Yeah, yeah. Did he jack off in a sauna? I do that. My heart races like a little bunny rabbit. And if you

before I learned of Santa told me about your bit, I didn't hear your bit and I fucking mapped out a way to climb into the grizzly bear's cage at the zoo here in Tucson. So if you really want fucking mapped out a way to climb into the grizzly bears cage at the zoo here in tucson so if you really want to go out that way i know exactly how because i wanted to fist fight the bear uh it's my thing that i only thing the only thing i would add in that chat is go to like one of them uh patriotic uh uh stores that have like bears and flags and liberty and have a big shirt on guys wearing merch

obviously a bear enthusiast go to one of those places on the way to vegas where you can shoot machine guns and pet bears and stuff and just turn the machine gun on the bear yeah that would be fantastic well i mean i'm gonna be opened up so you know I can be opened up and then stuffed full of explosives and take me to Mar-a-Lago I'm there for New Year's hey Don Jr. I got some of the best blow

you won't believe this shit but I would just want to go down like into the middle of a banquet room of people who are just at Mar-a-Lago not necessarily target anyone just blow it up it's like you know want to go down like into the middle of a banquet room of people who are just at mar-a-lago not necessarily target anyone just blow it up it's like you know i i you know you guys are just as gross and disgusting as i imagined boom we're probably tipping our high here delete all that delete all that we should all like a suicide pact with Andy and then

I go oh I've been drinking I'm not going to do that maybe I'll get a superhero outfit and then just go intervene in what I perceive to be crimes around town just death by you know he went out he was

fighting crime in leotards and some motherfucker shot him in the face you gotta get the goodwill all right andy uh oh shit i don't have the lines i was gonna make you pick a line well he's got 30 days of this to go at least for the yeah but i'm drunk all right he quit drinking because of cancer oh i can't drink because of cancer. Yeah. Oh, it was an excuse with Andy.

I couldn't physically drink. That was a, that was a sign I had cancer. It's like when you can no longer enjoy anything. And that was the first one that went boozing. Oh, I no longer enjoy drinking. Yeah.

But you do it medicinally and that's different. Yeah. I did it to get over pain, but not from that pain from new pain. My pain is going to be updated. I'm going to have two tattoos when I come out of that surgery. Survivor times two. Our hospice is waiting for you sir all right yeah uh here's that well i mean you got the the dryer there but i find when i get uh when i go in to heavy narcotics and anesthesia and and when i'm anticipating it when i come out of it i like to have a warm blanket we have a lady for that

yeah just i think he just wanted like when you take two out then you put two in like that and you always have it yeah you never know when the guys go hey man could i get another one we'll put a dryer in your room, Andy. I'm on that. And Mr. Boob. Andy in the dryer. Yeah. I'm going to send that Mr. Boob's my advanced care hospice directive. The Anchorage package for recovery.

I can cut that recovery time. If I don't sleep, I can cut that recovery time if I don't sleep. I can cut that recovery time to three months. I don't think that's how time works, but you try. I'm going to work on bending that shit. I'll be the alpinist with missing organs.

Oh, God. Andy, I love you. I love you, too. Every time. I love you, too, Andy. All right. Don't make Hennigan say it, or we're all going to... Make

Brian Hennigan say it. That's for the cliffhanger. Yeah. Yeah, I could never get my dadigan say it. That's for the cliffhanger. Yeah. Yeah, I could never get my dad to say it. Only Patreon subscribers hear that. Yeah. It's me and Brian in private. Only fans.

He has Xanax in his foreskin oh yeah that's what i need some like sleeping i need some i should probably i'm going to talk to my physician's assistant tell him about this growing anxiety that i anticipate oh man you just struck gold andy yeah mine it for all it's worth, man. Yeah. Not only do I itch, now I'm worried about dying. It's a little Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, and I'll afford it. In care of. Yeah. And if I die suddenly, I'll try to tuck all the good pills underneath me

so the first responders will be the lucky ones. There'll be some Easter eggs. Bring your pain patches care of. So, all right, uh hey uh uh text before you call and mail before you text. I don't answer my phone that much, but when I saw Andy call me, I go, oh, fuck, he's got cancer. Yeah. Lucky guess. Chad had the same experience.

I got a call from Andy. He's got cancer. He doesn't call me at 1.30 in the afternoon. No. Ever. Never. Yeah. Dang it. he's got cancer he doesn't call me at 1.30 in the afternoon no ever never yeah dang it I'll call you another time and go hey yeah it's worse than I thought I'll try to answer next day

oh man I ran over my dog I was crying so much. Andy doesn't like to talk on the phone as much as I don't like to talk on the phone. Yeah. Oh, you're friends with so-and-so. Yeah, but I'm also my best friend. I talk to less. There's nothing worse than calling up and then you fish out the person who called you that they

don't really have anything to say like damn it why am i talking to you shout out to gump who's called me like five times since he's been in the military and i i'm not answering gump's calls he has nothing to say what i do answer him he's got nothing to say yeah i'll I'll probably get a call from Guy. Hospice down here at the bar. Sounds like a plan. My liver is looking for it. I think that's one of the pluses on the other side of this.

My liver may be like, let's fucking go out and drink again. Hang on. Someone wants to say hello. No, I just want to call you out. I want to send you out. She's confronting me. Hi! I love your pancreas, Andy Andrews.

Oh, well, maybe a nice little Chianti. I'll send you a piece. I'll ask him to thin slice it or deli slice it. He's talking about my wife, man. No, no, no. He's talking about the Silence of the Lambs reference.

I get it. I get it. No, you don't. You have no idea what he's saying. Or it could have been a Jenna Jameson reference. What? Jenna Jameson. Why are you querying? We're trying to

close this fucking thing. Now Danigan is usurping bingo's I guess we didn't quit drinking. No. I mean, I want you to carry on. Solidarity to a point. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'm eating gummies and

thinking about trying to get anxiety stiflers. I don't need that shit. I can sit around and think about dying. That causes anxiety. Why don't I just have anxiety meds and think about watching some Simpsons or some shit. Anyway, that's a fucked up close.

All right. Yeah. Did you think I was going to close strongly? Just put that on now were you waiting for a closer we'll be on the headstone move along I thought I saw a light yeah

alright well Chad Shank will be filling in for you in Las Vegas on New Year's. He's going to be opening the show. And then it's Junior Stopka. God damn it. We love that kid. And then we get the fuck out. And then we wait for Andy to die

I guess or not or not yeah I'm on the fence do do do do yeah cliffhanger part two three four and

five with Andy, I'm guessing. Get this hair off of me. It's going away by itself. Yeah. Bingo. Get over here. You got to take us out of here live. All right.

Bye-bye. 7, 22, 12. Okay. Thank you.