The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.477: Vodka Is On The List

Episode Date: January 16, 2022

Doug has a list of dumb, high topics. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Recorded Jan 11th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Raider, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 LINKS - Helix Sleep - Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope - Helix is offering UP TO $200 off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. Stageman Underwear - Stageman Underwear is ergonomically enhanced first layer gear for men. It's innovative design gently lifts the male genitals up and away from the legs for maximum performance and comfort. Go to www.Stageman.com and use Promo Code 'STANHOPE' to save 10% on your order. Keep the ear party pumping with the ISSUES WITH ANDY podcast featuring Andy Andrist, Brett Erickson, Chad Shank and Chaille. New episode every Friday - https://www.patreon.com/issueswithandy Need more Chaille? Check out Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023 It's FREE to join Chad on his Twitch Channel. Go the Chad's Twitter page where he has pinned a tweet with instructions - https://twitter.com/hdfatty Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo by ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, big shout out to Helix Sleep. Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows to our listeners. Find your perfect mattress at helixsleep.com slash stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, Chaley and I are high. I suggested it the other night when I was high and drunk that Chaley and I should do a podcast where we're both high.

You're always busy, but now you're not. And you're in Vegas, and you got high right you completely froze out and i think it's my internet connection let me double check what's going on here yeah this is not let me turn this off all right go ahead and start but if it freezes again then i'll just use my phone as a um as a uh hot spot i have no idea what a hotspot is, Greg Chaley. Greg Chaley and I are talking over the Zoom because Chaley's in Vegas with one of his other

projects. And we're high. And I just completely cut out. What was your question? I didn't have a question. Oh, hotspot. That's what you said. As a statement, and then you said you didn't know what it was. Another statement.

Yeah, but that's just another thing I'm never going to learn in my life is what a hotspot is or why I need it because I've never needed a hotspot. So I'm at a place in my life where I'm not going to ever learn new things. You've been hotspotting and not knowing it. I'm sure my phone does a lot of things like fucking track my bowels. And yeah, when I die, I hope there's a flash of all the things I never learned that my car and or phone could do that I've been doing manually. But I'm happy with that. I don't really need any more conveniences in life. I feel like most of my life is convenient enough.

And why burden the world? You know, just because you sit on your phone doesn't mean you're checking your bowels. All right, this thing is crapping out. So I'm going to hold on. So which button do I hit then? So yours crapped out. Does that mean mine crapped out? Should I get a new computer

no internet's broken i can't learn new things that was one of my favorite songs is uh mr jones and me and in 1994 when that came out that's my favorite fuck still my favorite album to this day is August and Everything After and one of the greatest hits. But in the song, he says, when I look at the television, I want to see me staring right back at me. Well, you know what? Here we are in a Zoom age. And no, you staring right back at you is one of the most disconcerting things. God, I wish I saved this for the podcast, but who'd have remembered.

It's going. I I'm just, I'm just trying to hook up here. So let me see if it's, let's see if this goes for a little bit. It's saying that it's just, it's slow. Yeah.

Like anything in the rooms here, they want you to be down on the floor and gambling. Mr. Jones. I mean, no, it is something. Well,

that's it. That was the one that got you hooked. Well, that was the hit. Another brick in the... Oh, I was talking to him while you were doing stuff. I can hear you. We're good. I like Around Here better as a song.

Oh, the lyrics are way better. I'll sing you. I'm going to sing you the whole album, Dave Rader. I'm going to sit you in my lap. Take the bad, weak stuff. And I'm going to sing you in my lap. It's a bad week to stop checking. And I'm going to sing every lyric of every song off of The Counting Crows, August, and everything after. Are you high, Greg Chaley?

I think we're just starting over. I have no idea. Oh, this is all staying in. But you're not answering the question. Oh, not really. I stopped at the weed store, the one over near Fremont and then came here, walked the floor, the show floor for a little bit. And now I'm up here. So you never took an edible? I thought that was... I did, but I go in slow. I'm not going for some heroic fucking display of edible ingestion.

All right. Well i i didn't talk myself by any means well i just didn't want to you know like take a huge dose of uh of edibles which i don't really know what the dose is for me and then walk down at the on the halloween haunt floor with fucking uh gothic models and monsters running around. Oh, I thought that was the whole point. I thought you didn't have to work till tomorrow. I don't have to work at all, except for this, the podcast. This is my job.

Yeah, I wouldn't have done high things if I had shit to do later, but I don't. I really don't either. I got reservations for a nice dinner with my brother, and that's really it. But I don't want to fall asleep, I got reservations for a nice dinner with my brother and that that's really it, but I don't want to fall asleep in the mashed potato. You know,

I'm going to, I, I, I'll tell this. I want to tell that story about the part that I had to turn down. You turned it down. Well, I,

I would have had to read for the thing on my phone. Here's what happens. What are you, sir? Alec Guinness, where you don't have to to read for the thing on my phone. Here's what happens. What are you, Sir Alec Guinness, where you don't have to fucking read for a part? No, it's not that. No, here's the whole story, because it is there's some altruism to it and some very fucked up timing. I put on a movie that I randomly DVR. I'm like, I don't know. It could be good. It could be bad. I don't know. It could be good.

It could be bad. I don't know anyone in it. Turns out I did know someone in it. I don't even want to say because I'm going to shit on the rest of the movie. You don't have to. The point is,

it was set in Maine. And any shitty New England accent, it's one of my pet peeves, like top in all of movies or television. Fucking bad Boston accents. When I watched Ray Donovan

and the woman who played his wife who's Irish and was great on Deadwood. When she died of cancer I stood off my couch alone and applauded and fist pumped. I was that because her and they write into it like you steer into a skid. They write into a Boston accent.

So if you have a Boston accent, you're always going to say the word where another word would have been fucking obvious and easy no we have to write so the fucking boston accent is in every fucking sentence a lot of rhododendrons yeah so i put on this movie about fucking some drug dealer in maine it's just kirk fox was great in it uh and the rest, I'm like, I can't fucking, and I'm trying to fast forward of parts that are just the plot and stop with the romance scenes and the fucking, ah, Bahaba. And of course it's set in Bahaba. You could have said it in Louisville.

Anyway, point is, a word without a Boston accent. So I fast forward through this fucking movie going, this sucks. And I'm thinking, I couldn't even do a Boston accent. I'm thinking that when I'm listening to a guy do some of the more subtle things and aren't just the hard R. But I was consumed with fuck you people literally within minutes tracy is coming in to do crosswords uh and i i fast forwarded while she sits down i sit down and then i get a call from brian that uh they want me to audition for this pot in a new as a series regular in a new it's a series i don't even want

to talk it's a series that they've made been made from some very popular movies and it's gonna be on one of those streaming services that i'll never learn even if i was on that show i go i can't get it it's on fucking it's on your hot spot yeah it's on fucking hoobly plus hoobly plus max well you have the plus and uh but you don't have the max you have the hoobly do you have hoobly rewards card no then you can't get the thing that you're on fuck you so uh but i fucking love the movies. And I love the idea. The fucking script is funny. And I go, but they're adamant in the breakdown that you have to have an authentic Boston accent. This is just as I finished hate fast forwarding a fucking movie to do crosswords with Tracy.

And he's like, well, the only thing, and I've been trying to interrupt him as he's telling me the whole story to say, it's going to say I need a Boston accent. I can't do a Boston accent. And I had to wait till he said, and you'll need to do an authentic Boston accent. They're very adamant about that. And I go, I've been waiting to say, no, I can't do very adamant about that. And I go, I've been waiting to say, no,

I can't do that. Like everything. You don't think you can do that. I mean, you grew up in Massachusetts. I know. And I, I, I lost that accent through like,

like you fired it. You didn't lose it. You got to get the fuck out of town. I lost it like a fucking miscarriage. I, a breach birth abortion or where I had to push it out of me over a course of years. And then it mutated into other things. And now I think I talk like me.

But the point is, unless I'm like heavily in the trenches in a Boston bar and listening to that, if I listen to a bunch of people, then I start automatically talking like that. Like I'm some uppity non-Boston speaking guy, but I'll throw it out in the street. That sounds like a road trip. Go to Boston. No, I'm not. After I practiced this, I went and I go, all right, I'm going to not say no for one time in my life. I'm not going to say no first. So I looked up a YouTube. How do you do a Boston accent? Everything's on Boston.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You are admitting that you looked up online how to do a Boston accent when you are from Massachusetts? You were there until at least a freshman in high school yeah i i looked up a youtube video and it's for actors and someone but it's just the obvious shit i already know i watched a few minutes to make people laugh and then that night i watched every movie that has good or bad. I watched The Departed and then fucking Black Mass about Whitey Bulger. And then I watched the movies themselves. And I'm like, I can do it comically for a few words, but I can't do like the whole.

And I can't fucking act. I can act as myself. But if I was just sitting there the whole time thinking about my accent, if you told me I had to do my act in that accent for an hour, my act would suck because the part of my brain that matters would be, did I say that right? Am I doing something stupid with my face when I say that? I don't.

So I did the right thing. And I just said, I can't do a Boston accent well enough. You politely declined. Yeah. And if now I feel like that gives me some kind of out where I can go publicly Twitter shit on actors who take the part, even though they know they can't do a fucking Boston accent. Cause a bad Boston accent will ruin a fucking entirely good picture. Thank you,

Ben Affleck. You know, I want to start a Ben Affleck birther rumor that he's not even from Massachusetts and produce documents. I want to see pay stubs for when you are nine and 10, I want to see electric bills in your name with a fucking Boston zip code from when you were five years old. Oh, you can't produce it. Yeah.

Well, you can't do those ads where you're some high rolling fucking gambling guy with a bunch of Boston guys who actually win. Win bets. Right. I should hang out with. Yeah. Let's not give him a plug. Did you say you wanted him to produce his pay stubs from when he was 10 years old?

Yeah, to prove that he lived in Boston. Because they work kids in the shops? Sweat shops? Yeah, I'm an Affleck birther. I'm going to get into, are we going to have to do a advertisement on this? No, we already did it.

Oh, thank God. Because you would have to like, like record it high. So it wouldn't just go from me stumbling around, giggling to me doing a straight read. So that would be awkward but Howard Stern does it I don't know why we don't do that just like do a you read it once and then you just play that read forever we were uh talking some high things over here who's there it's just

uh Raider and Bingo you And bingo was just up. Yeah. We put Buster Douglas odds on your wife actually making it after those two stumbled home, had to wait. They had a sober driver who decided he was going to get drunk and try to get pussy. And so he left them hanging. So they had to wait. Yeah.

They had to wait. Tarek. No, he stayed. stayed he stayed he wasn't gonna leave oh he said piss off I'm uh I'm chasing tail yeah he's looking for some honeys out there yeah I think everyone thought your wife was gonna be fucking him while you're out of town but I'm fucking telling you Chaley your fucking wife she ain't she ain't fucking no one. I don't know what you... He blew it. He blew it. He had a band at the beach

and he didn't fucking know it. So they go to this jam night with Tarek. No, it was his show. Whatever it was. They go to see the show at the Hitchin' Post. They have to wait until Tarek breaks down. The new and improved Hitchin' Post. They have to wait until TARG breaks down. The new and improved Hitchin' Post.

Yeah. That is actually using the stage, everybody. They actually have bands there now. Yeah. That's why I didn't go last night, because I haven't met the new owners, and I was high in preparation for this podcast. I got high yesterday just to see what it's all about. And I didn't want to go in there and

just do my usual, sorry, I can't talk. I'm really high to the new owner. And then come back in a month, go, Hey, we want to four wall the place. First impressions. Are you going to be too high to do your act, sir? That's very good. Well done, Doug. That was a very well thought out process to get to where you just admitted it to me that that was probably going to be a bad idea. You know what? It's kind of like when Pop got killed at the fucking OK Corral

and they say, you're the new man in the house. When Chaley leaves, I have to step up and do my work. I'll show you the pickup truck out there full of garbage yep i get the dumpster in play yeah it fixed the uh the the wall thing that thermostat no it'll be there in uh two days oh no the point is i thought you're gonna leave it so there was some kind of heat so shit don't freeze. I forgot, but I did check the weather. You're fine.

I know you did. I know. I went in there to take a very cold shit a couple hours ago, and I go, I'm sure he's got his eye on the weather. Yeah. So the Buster Douglas odds on your wife, 42 to one was Buster Douglas. And I was telling Raider how that was my favorite upset in sports history because I hated Mike Tyson so much. I remember sitting on a couch.

I had just moved back from Idaho, and this girl was letting me stay there, and it was free. It was not pay-per-view. It was that big. It was 42 to one, and it was just so was not pay-per-view it was that big it was 42 to 1 and it was just so that we can't charge for this and buster i hated tyson so badly i did fucking backflips off the couch fucking rolling backwards till my fucking legs went over i was that excited and i was asking you don't worry we have other dumb fucking things i was just talking

about that are gonna follow this oh let me tell you about the raider story first no finish that one yeah what's your don't worry i'm gonna do a lot of this jumping around in my head but i want to know you had the odds your favorite uh sports upset of all time maybe you don't have one i don't i don't even think about stuff like that yeah yeah but then that moved on to us googling something else see i'm gonna yeah but you didn't finish the first story the buster douglas odds on douglas fucking beat mike tyson but i realize you don't have any fucking your best upsets in sports things this is just things i was going down rabbit holes on i'll tell you what the best upset that I can remember is the one that the last sports event that I watched all the way through.

And that was the, the finale of F1 this year with Max Verstappen. Oh yeah. Big upset with, with Lewis Hamilton. So there you go. I got one. You got one.

I forgot what the rest of the, what happened to Tracy? Oh yeah. Oh, that's the story. I didn't. Yeah. Well, they show up fucking hammered. And I was hammered and high.

And I was doing things I shouldn't do on the Internet. Like looking up comments and things. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's all in the past. I might have sucked here and there, but that's all in the past. But yeah, it didn't bother me because I was high and I was cocktailing and just sitting. I had a notepad in front of me.

I was writing really bad jokes now that I look back at them. But yeah, I was having fun and I was being creative. And I had the house to myself. It was gorgeous. and I was being creative. I had the house to myself. It was gorgeous. And then these two floozies come in fucking fresh out of Tarek's car.

Tarek didn't even come in. He was like one ride home with them. Bingo's face. You know what? Bingo's face sometimes morphs when she's that hammered. Oh, yeah. The middle went back and this part came out.

So one eye is trying to have a staring contest at the other eye. And the other eye gets shy and like, why is this eye staring at me? And. I mean, Doug, you at least when you get that drunk, you cover one eye. So there can't be a contest. Yeah. And that's just in public. I just lay down under the dog bed.

There's no more dogs. So why don't I take a nap there? And Tracy was like, I was, Bingo was having a hard time getting out of her chair in the house. Even Tracy, when she went to walk, like, I don't know who I should walk because she's gonna go down steps and bingo's just falling towards she's closer to the ground yeah tracy would be but yeah no no hide or hair of tracy you know no uh spotting her on the security cameras nothing

no she's couch bound she's watching a walking marathon. Should we put in a slide from your place to our place? A dumb waiter? Like a, like a, like a spiral slide. Like they have on pools. Well, I guess that wouldn't work because they'd have to go up the ladder and we're trying to keep them from falling off a ladder. A dumb waiter. We could do that. We could just, just like a phone phone booth but you do it by hand yeah it's

gonna have doors on either side so we can get out the little house and down i like that all right oh yeah please hold Helix mattress, Helix mattress. That's right. They say that you spend one third of your life sleeping. And that is for slackers. I've brought it up to sometimes 18 hours of sleeping, depending on what kind of downers I'm taking. And I'm not promoting downers. I'm promoting Helix mattress. A mattress

is really the most important focal point of your life where you're sitting there watching, oh, I'm going to watch Squid Games or whatever all in one shot. You want to do that on some Super 8 motel mattress where springs are going through your back? No, you have to do that in a proper mattress. The future is lying down and hoping life gets over soon. That's what Helix mattress is all about. Helix Sleep has a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. You don't even have to think. Everybody's unique, and Helix knows that, so they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium, and firm mattresses. Mattress

is great for cooling you down if you sleep hot, and even a Helix Plus mattress for plus size folks like me. I took the Helix quiz and I passed unlike my GED the first three times and I was matched with the Midnight model because I wanted something medium and I sleep, they say on my side, I say fetal, but I figured it out. You follow my Twitter so you know that a lot of times I sleep on the floor in the funhouse while everyone's still drinking. Let's just say this is quite an upgrade. I can crawl on all fours to get to my Helix Sleep Mattress all the way inside. It's soft and supportive unlike my peers on this podcast, Greg and Tracy Chaley. I'm falling asleep just thinking about the Helix Sleep Mattress as I do this read. So if you're looking for a mattress, you take the quiz,

you order the mattress that you're matched to, and the mattress comes right to your door shipped for free. You don't even need to go to a mattress store again. Do they still have mattress stores? Why? Why would they have them, Chaley? free. You don't even need to go to a mattress store again. Do they still have mattress stores? Why? Why would they have them, Chaley? I wish you were like riffing back with me, but he makes me do the reads all by myself. Helix is awesome, but you don't need to take my word for it. Do your own research. Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by GQ and Wired Magazine. Just go to helixsleep.com slash stanhope, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a customized mattress

that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it but you will imagine what you could do on a helix mattress for a hundred nights helix is offering up to two hundred dollars off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash stanhope so so i i was telling tracy uh or tracy's making me tell bingo a story i was fucking with raider as i always do raider is such a brilliant audience for just silliness when you just have something silly to do and you do it with a straight face he loves he just he's a perfect fucking straight man uh so i'm high as i said and uh we realize we haven't eaten i'm realizing it a lot and uh he says oh i'll go to nariah's but they're closed on monday and i go fuck i remember a monday not long ago where we went through this

fucking dylan's is closed on monday, what about we could go to Safeway, but I don't want to try to prepare things. I'm not in that kind of headset, but yes, I was in that kind of headset because we, as again, we have to settle for fucking Burger King, which is a pox on everything.

That's bad for everybody. It makes look bad. It's shit. It's shit. It's awful. It's fucking garbage. And the only time, like, I was going to bring... And you went there. Well, we have limits here.

I know. It's available quickly and close. So I go, yeah, fuck it. I'm high, so I won't care. I just took an edible. So, yeah, do Burger King and just give me the fucking Junior Bacon Cheeseburger or whatever the fuck. Bacon Cheeseburger.

And just so I can start drinking. And while he's gone to go pick it up, I said to Tracy, I go, I'm too high to actually pull this off. But you know what would be funny? And then I thought about it some more for what seemed like hours but was seconds and uh i go yeah i i could actually do that so yeah i just i made everything so like i i wanted i want to remove burger king from the equation so fuck their bun i cut the crust off some English muffin bread, toasted

it lightly. English muffin is all crust on one side. English muffin bread. I get it. 99 cents. Eat it quick. Eat the loaf as quick as you can. Maybe that was a motivating factor was getting rid of some of the stuff.

So I had a tomato I needed to eat. I'm going to put lettuce and tomato on it and my own cheese. Fuck their cheese. I put my own condiments on it. I don't want any fucking Burger King condiments. I put pickles, lettuce, tomato, red onion, my own condiments. And then I thought, oh, this is funny. And then I thought thought what about a

fried egg a cowboy they call it i i don't know what they call it i've seen cowboy yesterday i go because i want the fucking presentation to be perfect so when raider comes back with my burger king fucking I put my own bacon on it. Yeah, yeah, of course. I peeled that burger apart in front of him. I have my plate with this whole presentation, including garnish. I have my plate garnished and everything. It's a beautiful spread.

And I just peeled open his fucking horrible, I scraped with my fingernails, the cheese and their weak, limp, fake fucking bacon and just all of their condiments off of this little fucking awful burger patty and put it in my majestic tower of burger with a fried egg cut through it and never broke face in front of Dave Rader. But then he just sits there and he almost like that.

He's just the most understated, but he's doing it right now. Yeah, he is. It's like the opposite of a Sal Volcano or a Bert Kreischer where it's like the opposite of a sal volcano or a burt kreischer where it's just like it's not loud but it's that in yeah it's it's that motivating it's more physical than audio

yeah audible it's it's it's what actors do when they're trying not to break on a set and they're laughing like in bloopers where they're like jimmy fallon every time he was on saturday night live in a skit i never had to go through those horror years of actually watching it i could hate him just from like he just because i watched nbc morning news the local news news, like DVR, they'll buffer into the next with a Jimmy Fallon clip. So I try to pause it right where I don't have to hear one utterance from Jimmy Fallon and I fail and it starts my day bad. I should watch the nightly news. I should tape the 10 o'clock news PM and watch that.

Because they can't show you a clip that something that hasn't run yet. Well, no, because I'm angry in the morning and the one paint Kings commercial turns me into a fiend. And then I'm smashing dishes and things. Oh, my God. That Jonathan, that Steph, you know, she talks a lot. But not if you don't see her, but she cleans house like a motherfucker. Like I, I, I would definitely get on next door and recommend her. Cause and she just wants to get the fuck out of the house.

Now that British Jonathan's gone. Yeah. On, on, on hiatus from sloth. He had to go back and get a job for a minute. Yeah, I have to take a small time off, a personal time to go make a living. Yeah. Then I'll be back to my life of sloth. I guess that's how I feel when I go on the road now.

Yeah, that's what you always say. It's time to go back out on the road so you can pay some bills. I know. Fuck it. I still, it's early double digits of January, and I don't know when I'm supposed to be in Chicago. And I'm like, mentally, I don't think Hennigan understands this. And let me get to Hennigan in a second.

But I don't think he understands that i have a mental clock that goes okay exactly how much sloth could i squeeze in today could i could i justify i know i had this giant fucking list of things to do i'd actually put it in the camera but you'd freeze frame it and go what dude what Dude, what's on there? What's comp certs? Huh? What's that? What's comp certs? It's a fucking Delta thing.

And you'll never know. Companion certificates. I got to figure that out. I got to figure out how to upgrade my friends and to the golds and silvers. It's after a pandemic year. I think I was talking about Brian Hennigan. No, it was,

you were talking about Jonathan, Jonathan, and then you're going to get to Brian Hennigan. No, you were talking about Jonathan. Jonathan. And then you were going to get to Brian Hennigan. Steph. You were talking about Steph. Oh, Steph. Yeah. Yeah, but she cleaned house well.

That fucking thought went in so many directions. It really did. Oh, Hennigan is to Chicago. I mean, you might as well go to it. You were going to say about. Yeah. No, Hennigan. Hennigan is uh to chicago i mean you might as well go to it you were going to say about hennigan said uh uh oh that's he doesn't understand that in my head i have a biological clock ticking about sloth that's what i was saying and i can't get a fucking date so it's well it's out of february okay that's the first through the 28th this year am i gonna leave

the day before a couple days before like i need a fucking so i know exactly what i can get away with exactly how much i should be cramming for the exam because i i'm not to try to memorize a fucking entire script, 118 pages, which I'm all about. I mean, you're not Alan Rickman. I mean, you're a dude who's going to take it chunks at a time, right? The point is, it's just like my set. I don't start working on that until two days before. Or later.

Yeah. Or if I start a week before, I'm going to forget everything that I just wasted a fucking day studying. I wonder if Alzheimer's patients could learn from me. Like, I don't know if I'm better at Alzheimer's because I've been a drunk for so long that I know how to work with the head. Yeah, this head's not going to work like that. So I'm going to focus on these short-term projects. And then when that gets there, that's functional. Like a functional alcoholic, if you're advanced in that,

you should be able to train other alcoholics. They have ex-alcoholics tell you how to quit yeah they have the most functional be able to work with you this is a fucking brilliant idea it is i mean you'd be like a like a boozy life coach yeah what are you doing fucking you're drinking a fucking boiler maker at 1030 in the morning when you have – no, have a hard cider. Yeah. Have a few. Nourish it.

Shotting a beer early is just – you're not going to make it the whole game. You're certainly not going to make it after – like if it goes into extra innings, you're not going to make it. What's that? 10 in the morning? That commercial, the insurance commercial where the guy's training people not to become their parents? Yeah. I could actually make that into a career choice where I'm going to, okay, no, I'm going to go with you to your sister's wedding.

And, you know, you hate the husband, but I'm'm gonna make sure that you temper your drinking so you can actually relax and enjoy it rather than go that one step further and go you fucking suck right in the middle of the service you never listen you're never gonna get to where you throw up in the fountain if you don't even make it till the band gets on yeah no you gotta you gotta you gotta pay it out yeah and if you're and if you're puking in the fountain at that time frame when everyone's leaving, chances are that your fucking fat sister-in-law is going to be pissing in the same fountain next to you because there's a line for the toilet, and everyone's going to be fine. Maybe that's the fucking book I should write.

Like a handbook or how-to? Yeah, well, I noticed uh because sam talent maybe we talked about this uh well about sam talent's book being yeah we did talk about this is it for the for the year of 2021 on audible uh sam talent's book was ranked in the top 100 which was cool and i was saying that the most of the top 100 that i went through were fucking self-help books or how-to kind of books but mostly self-helpy kind of shit how to not give a fuck how to make a million dollars how to suck your own dick uh well what but no i'm thinking that might maybe that's the fucking audible I should do next is being a sponsor for alcoholics in the opposite way that AA has sponsors for former alcoholics. I should, like how to be a better alcoholic.

I could write the fucking 12 steps. A sponsor for non-quitters. Or for people who go, hey, I want to quit. I need to quit. But why not just get better at this? Yeah. Why am I going to quit? You know what?

Fucking Tiger Woods, when he fucking shanked a fucking ball on the fifth hole when he was three years old and his dad was hitting him with a stun gun, he didn't quit. He got better. I saw that for the fucking promo of this new book. I'm sure I'm going to write. Yeah. The other big book. The big book of AA. We need a play on that.

Where's Raiders? Why isn't Raider writing down my fucking genius notes? Right here. Oh, boy. Here he goes. Writing everything. Do I need to read anything back? Listen, nobody's fucking your wife. I don't know what you're going on about.

She had to go to the post office. I don't know who works at the post office. What, at two in the morning? Well, speaking of, free to be you and me all on your own up there at a convention in Vegas, even though you were just in Vegas a week ago. Yeah. What you got lined up there, Sugar Pump? Yeah, don't ask me to show you the skyline.

Don't worry. Don't worry. Neither of our wives listen to the podcast my wife says that's true she'll watch it live we were talking about do you uh uh ever have fun because when i said oh chaley and i are gonna do the podcast hi and i think this will be fun and uh i and raider said that i don't think I've ever seen him high. And I go, well, you wouldn't notice the other night. He said, yeah, I can't.

I fucking took an edible. I have to. I'm like, I can't tell that you're high. But I can. Yeah. But you internalize it like everything else. I'm not a squirrel that's fucking laying around and fucking looking for a fountain to throw up in.

I fucking take care of my shit. Yeah. I don't want to ever get good at fucking weed or mushrooms i always want this as an option yeah fucking ridiculous my god when you enjoy writing i mean sometimes it lasts into the next day and you have to have a schedule i'm thinking about is this a bad idea dr uh uh chaley we have i had big sushi plans tomorrow to go into sierra vista and uh then i remembered fuck we have dentist appointments me and bingo dentist at two and three you're gonna go to sushi before you go to the dentist no no i can't now because sushi fucking, fuck you sushi in Sierra Vista.

I love that. It's my favorite sushi place in the fucking world. And they just, Raider and I went in this week. They have fucked us three times where we drove. It's a 70 mile round trip to get to a place with sushi

and we go and then, oh, we're closed Tuesdays now. Fuck. And then randomly, we went back a place with sushi. And we go and then, oh, we're closed Tuesdays now. Fuck. And then randomly, we went back a couple weeks later. Sorry, we had to close today on a Wednesday. And now we showed up again. They have completely new hours. We showed up for lunch at fucking 11 a.m.

And they don't wait. Weekdays, they open at three now. Oh, wow. Before you go, you. Oh, before you go. Well, I was going to say, you got a telephone there. Or what? Well, no, we go. We leave here for when it opens.

Yeah. So we have to leave here 45 minutes early to get there for when it opens. So we don't face any crowds. Not that there's crowds there, but we have. We had to settle for Jimmy John's when there was a freak two-hour wait. Jimmy John's, I'm against them. I think I've gone somewhere with this story.

They have great Jimmy Peppers, but they're kind of cunty. No, that's not just the cutting the sandwich. And then they seem to have – they won't put yellow mustard on your fucking thing. And that's. They'll give you the packets. So, I mean, what's the big deal? Yeah, I'm not going to put it on. Remember when Tucson airport had the fucking sushi bar?

It was a four seat sushi bar. And they had this sushi guy that was the soup Nazi of. And he would give me my white tuna but white tuna had a special sauce so you he wouldn't give you soy sauce if i just ordered the white tuna so i he's like no no you use this sauce he just wouldn't give you soy sauce so then i would have to trick trick him by ordering a a a a a a a a false flag order of sushi so i'd get some you know hamachi and he'd give me that with soy sauce and then i'd secret the soy sauce away like i'm fucking billy hayes and midnight express and i don't under my armpit and they go i'm gonna get you i'm gonna get some of that white two to two and he mean, give me that. Pat me down.

Han was his name. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I remember. So, yeah, that's what Jimmy John's is like to me. Because they won't, I'm not putting yellow mustard on it. If you want to do it, here's a packet. Well, it's because they're pushing their own mustard. There's a Jimmy's mustard, which is like kind of a spicy brown and not the same as a yellow.

I mean, I just I prefer yellow mustard on like a turkey or my sandwich. When you when you're Han working a four seat sushi bar at the Tucson airport, the fucking empty terminal. Yeah, you can be a dick. But when you own a corporation that you put this in, okay, if anyone asks for yellow mustard, frown and go, oh, I won't put it on. But here's a packet of it that I happen to have here because everybody wants yellow mustard and not our mustard. So we have to buy packets, individual packets, which cost way more than just saying, yeah, I'll put fucking yellow mustard on your sandwich out of a vat like everything else with a fucking spreader, a fucking cake frosting spreader. Slap, slap. No, we're going to ruin the environment even more by having every dollop of yellow mustard come out of a piece of plastic with a fucking thousand year half-life. We're Jimmy John's. Don't forget to be polite. Fuck you. Here's the thing about Jimmy John's and how we got hooked is they have the Jimmy Peppers,

which are hot pepper, pickly hot pepper, And they make the whole fucking roast beef sandwich. And from what I can tell, and correct me if I'm wrong, listeners, you can buy them. Because I go, I just buy the fucking peppers because that's the only thing I crave. They sell them in gallons. It's about a tablespoon for the biggest Jimmy John's would be about a tablespoon. And I would only eat half of that. And it would take me two meals to eat the fucking big John or whatever it

is, the eight inch fucking thing. But you have to buy a gallon of these things. They're pickled. They'll last forever. Yeah. And you know what? They'll last forever in that space, in my small refrigerator that I need for other shit.

Rather than staring at Jimmy John's fucking Jimmy Peppers going, wow, I don't even have roast beef. I'm not going to sit here and eat these like cereal out of a bowl. That's not my style as much as I'm against waste. Will you get me some ice in this drink? I think the next one's going to be fantastic. Yeah, please hold. StageMan underpants, our newest, favorite, bestest sponsor. StageMan.com, promo code Stanhope. It's the whole package. Just go buy two pairs and you'll never have to buy another pair of underpants for your entire life. Just trust us on this one.

That's stageman.com. Get yourself two pairs so you can wear one pair while you wash the other pair. You don't really need to wash the other pair. You just like to look at them off your body and go, oh, my God, I can't believe how good these make my body look when it's really not that good at all. DM me pictures. Oh, oh, Stan Hope, I almost DM'd you a picture of me using them as a convenient place to hold my phone while I took a shit. But I didn't know if that was appropriate or not. That's so funny. Oh, and don't forget, use promo code Stanhope. StageBad.com, use promo code Stanhope.

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. That was a good ad copy. That was a good ad copy for Jimmy Johns. Wow, you got an intern. The lingo. Yeah. She wants to be wearing a fucking lavalier. Do they still call them that?

Yeah, right here. I don't know. I still call my fucking headphones for my Audible books Walkman. That's true. Hey, I was just looking at something. This April 13th, I believe it's the 13th,

it will be our 10th anniversary of doing this podcast. Wow. Oh, I get it. As long as you get the ice. I got everything else right. Uh-huh. God damn it. I just put vodka. I just splashed

vodka. Oh, no. All over my list of things to do. Vodka's on the list. I just got a title. Vodka's on the list. All right. Oh, shit.

I need a splash of grapefruit. I swore I wouldn't eat on this show. You're micromanaging. Let her do the... I mean, your intern's there to make a cocktail. I know. micromanaging. Let her do the... I mean, your intern's there to make a cocktail. You know, when you're used to the same bartender and now you have a trainee because of COVID.

I'm not nearly as good. Because of COVID. You want to write a song tonight, Dave Rader? I want to do it at open mic. The acoustic guitar is downstairs. Just had Tracy I want to, you want to write a song tonight, Dave Raider? I want to do it at open mic. All right. There's a guitar. The acoustic guitar is downstairs.

Just have Tracy grab it for you guys. Yeah, I could do it. God damn. I wish I was fucking, I was rewriting fucking parts and stuff. I'm just saying, I wish that it was more dependable, more like you could know. All right. How this is going to hit me exactly how long it's going to last. that it was more dependable, more like you could know, all right, how this is going to hit me exactly how long it's going to last. Because yeah, it's almost maybe a detriment. Like if I started to do this regularly.

Do what regularly? Well, you know, when you're at home, it's hard to find ways to kill time. Unlike you. Yeah. So I'm usually going, ah going i shouldn't start drinking yet i'll wait to start drinking but if i was just high until i started drinking then i wouldn't have that other eight hours to worry about yeah i mean i went i did some stuff i i finally canceled my uh washington federal account oh That yeah. When we switched banks,

when they fucked me beautiful, all the people at our branch are wonderful. Jesse got her haircut short. She's looking good. Yeah. He's got the gray coming in and fucking owns it. And if she didn't have the gray, if the gray went away,

she'd fucking color it in. Anyway. So yeah, I just did all these things that I've been supposed to do finally canceled those accounts and got what pittance was out of them just so that it's off the books. And I was sad that we couldn't do it together. Cause you're canceling your accounts there. I don't, I, I, I can't look at them.

I wish I can just like break up over text or something. They're so nice. I know, right? Bring them pastries like I used to do. That's a good idea. Yeah. That's a good idea. I'm writing that one down.

You know what? I stopped doing that. We'll break up sweet. I started doing that at my new bank, and then I realized I was buying the discounts. They probably at some point saw the fucking 99-cent sticker on it. You didn't take the, please get it out of here, sticker off. Here's the fucking discount bakery shit.

The fucking scanners on the bottom of the boxes of the bag. If you're eating a loaf of bread or some muffins, you don't turn the box upside down. No, you just eat the fucking muffin. What? When I put shit out for football,

I get off the discount rack. They don't see the sticker. Oh, they don't see it. I get it now. Yeah. So maybe they know about my sheen burrito. Who else brings fucking pastries of any kind to their bank when they go to make a transaction? I would do it all the time.

I stopped during COVID and now it's... Just go buy something from Jackie's patisserie on Friday or Saturday on their limited hours and get the box and then take the stuff out of the box, load in your day olds and take it over to your ladies over at the bank. Yeah. Jackie's. They won't put mustard on your fucking limited hours. You mean like Jimmy John's? They don't even open till 11. I want to know.

That's a bummer. I know. I asked you, it's one of those places that makes you ask for the thing. Like, well, you want a Big John? I'm like, I want a small roast beef sandwich. I don't know why every fucking pizza place doesn't just have, here's the toppings. Don't say, oh, well, the number three is the Smokey Joe. Or do you want the fucking Philadelphia Freedom?

And then you can look through. Why don't you just list the fucking ingredients? I'll tell you which ones to put on it. It's fucking pizza. It's just one thing. Yeah, but I mean, it's like going into cold stone creamery if i've got all the things that i could like mix into the uh the vanilla base i'd fucking get flummoxed and i put fucking prunes with fucking birthday cake it's fucking i'm not a

mixologist are you i don't know how to do it. You tell me. You wouldn't know how to make your own fucking pizza or ice cream sundae. You would just be, can't you give it a name? I need a funny name that's hopefully regional or something that affects me. Or with a lot of R's. We're in Boston. Yeah. No, I'm saying that's probably why they do it. That's why they do it.

That's what I'm saying. I know how to figure out what to put on a pizza. I guess, I don't know, Chaley. I don't understand what people in the real world are like, how fucking dumb they are. I mean, I see what they do dumb and celebrate that's dumb. No, I want to keep the cup. Charge me more.

I want the big, giant, oversized tulip glass. This is a crazy spiral straw. Do you think that I can get the can I clean this from the inside? Because I don't think a pipe cleaner goes like this. Yeah. Those people sell fucking tickets. And like, I go,

should I fucking dumb down my act? Sometimes when I'm high, what should I just go? So completely what, but I don't understand what it is that makes them buy. Like every commercial you go, who is this for? And then you hear neighbor dave laughing at a commercial yeah i get how it works but i could never just like other new things that

i'll never learn i'll never learn how like how to sell out and tap into that market like if i wanted to go okay i guess you could just i guess it would be as easy as picking a side or even nuance yourself towards a a brand name a trump or biden or democrat yeah you could like lean into that and it would still be fucking phony or you could bill maher it up and just you know make your alex jones it up where you just okay i started this as a character which is basically what dice clay did there's an alex jones andrew dice clay connection here in that they both started out as characters. Alex Jones was the biggest nonsense, like to the fact that you thought he knew it himself guy, just doing cable access in Austin,

doing throwing papers, whatever. We didn't watch it, but you'd see it. Like a, like a Wally George who was in the eighties. Yeah, exactly.

And then all of a sudden, when did he start believing his own bullshit? Dice Clay. Dice Clay was a character that Andrew Silverstein did on stage. And then he just decided, oh, that character. I don't know this for a fact, but he was an impressionist. And he did John Travolta back then. But he did characters like a Tracy Ullman. And that was the one that killed.

And then he just kept that. But Andrew Dice Clay at least knows he's kidding. Yeah. But the face stuck. Like, yeah, that became his persona. But Alex Jones's persona became the face stuck. Like, yeah, that became his persona. But Alex Jones' persona became the actual guy. But there's still a similarity there. Oh.

Uh-oh. J. Lee's giggling. It's just funny. You're just going off on a... You said you had a bunch of high topics, and you certainly have lived up to that. Yeah, well, they keep coming up. But the old ones, like, that was in the two minutes bunch of high topics and you certainly have lived up to that yeah well they keep coming up but the

old ones like the like that was in the two minutes before we clicked on and i had oh we'll just talk about that but yeah you're never out of stuff to write down i found out i still have to write oh this is my list of things to do but whatever i enlisted things to talk about but my list of things to do is just as interesting oh home insurance you know why home insurance is on my list of things to do it's on my list of things to ask chaley to do is that two lists or one of things to do. It's on my list of things to ask Jalen to do. Is that two lists or one?

You got to get that Mazda up to fucking Tucson. It's the thing that sucks. If you don't have a Ford or a Chevy or a Toyota basically, here you have to bring your car 200 miles round trip to get the fucking service done because there's no mazda place no yeah within fucking a hundred no dealership yeah it's in tucson yeah i don't even know how

to do that uh do do i make an appointment like that if i like have a tire fucking oil change shit i just break down a mat and I just leave it in his parking lot and I go, just call me whenever it's ready. You don't call and say, could I get an appointment? What's wrong with the Mazda? Did you write down what's wrong with it?

It's got the fucking... The clock is always wrong now. GPS. It says you don't have GPS. All of a sudden, I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah. That's why it was one of the two things that I wanted. Not a black interior in fucking Arizona. And I want GPS. And all of a sudden, GPS had 25,000 miles has shit the bed.

Okay. Well, after the car was stolen. I still feel like I'm starting to lean into a Boston accent now. Because I spent four years. After I mentioned it, you brought it up again. See, you're leaning into it. That's good. This is the fucking.

This has been on my list. Like I just keep remaking lists and this has been on it for at least two months, I think. Write high alone. Because I remember writing high by myself and I was like, I was writing entire sets, including. Oh yeah, it's like four months ago. writing high by myself. And I was like, I was writing entire sets, including, uh, Oh yeah. It's like four months ago. But,

but I, my list, I keep like, yeah, I gotta do that. I gotta go through the script like that. Oh shit. I get a fucking table read via zoom on Thursday.

And I don't know what day it is. Today is Tuesday, the 11th. I have to write a letter to ed bastion the ceo of delta you know i haven't gotten around to that but what's the what's like the quick bullet point of the reason for your writing ed writing hi writing ed why are you writing ed bastion oh just uh to give them a few pointers thank him for a few things and uh and then say hey you know there's we we have a few things we could talk about like if you flew

as recently as three years ago you know used to get a hot towel never really needed the hot towel it's a nice gesture i can see where that's a good cost-cutting measure. But when you multiply the things that you don't get anymore for COVID and a pillow and a blanket, you can bring your own fucking pillow and blanket, especially if you're fucking down. I think we had the conversation of why do they even do this with the towels pre-COVID, and now that they don't do it, you want it? No, no, I'm going to just give them a list. You don't understand, Chaley.

When you pile up the things, and yeah, we have talked about this, where your bag comes up first when you're priority. Yeah. Yeah, well, now your bag doesn't. If you have a change of flight somewhere, it seems like you're last. Chaley, I'm trying to tell you that I'm trying to get that first cocktail when you sit down before the flight takes off. That's all I'm asking you for, Ed.

I want to do this. I get the letter plotted out. And I just want to get the fucking first opening salvo cocktail back into play. I got his email address address his personal email address i just have to write the thing perfectly having just been on a plane two planes going into fucking the war zone that is lax um they are they they are really uh on the the lookout for bringing your own booze on planes. How so? A couple mentions on that.

Oh, oh, but they're not on the lookout. They're on the, it's all chat. When they're just saying it to the microphone. They say it a couple times, like that thing of like when the flight attendant sees someone not wearing a mask and they go, please remember that everyone should, they're doing it because they saw some jackass you know you said it like they're gonna they're starting to x-ray your fucking travel mug no no no no i'm saying on the plane because like you said it once like in

the in the pre-flight and then they remind you sometime during the flight that means they saw someone with a fucking bottle and the passive aggressively wanted to remind everyone that consuming your own alcohol on the plane is now illegal. Yeah. Yes, it is. Not in the class that is first. That is not illegal. But in the class that is worst.

Hey, Chaley, there's something i can't do oh we talked about this on the last podcast with the uh they stole my dumpster and they gave us these giant fucking trash cans that you have to do manual labor and put your back into and have dave ray or whip you and you go i can't be in blackface and go out in front of the neighbors. It's his kink, not mine. You said we were staying behind the fence. Yeah. Oh, no, I was thinking it because here you got to understand listeners. I put the nextdoor.com is like a neighborhood Facebooky thing to find lost pets.

And hey, what's that fire over there? People don't even talk about, hey, the fucking meth heads are right next door to me. I wish there was that kind of dirt. But it's a really good community thing for a small neighborhood. And I put up the, hey, did anyone else get their dumpsters taken away? And this post has blown up. It's still like most of my email is someone replied to your post someone replied to your post to the point where now next door

said do you want to make this into a group to me oh yeah yeah a group that's gonna just talk about the dumpsters aren't there yeah we're the dump Yeah, we're the dumpster divers. Get on board. I was thinking of a, I was high. No kidding. I love keeping saying that. To post on there seriously or in a serious tone, because a lot of the people on Nextdoor are rubes of sorts. They're elderly. They're not the people on Nextdoor are rubes of sorts. They're elderly.

They're not the people. It's not like you make friends. This is all the people in your neighborhood. So, you know, that lady that never comes out of her house with the fucking cats. She could be on there, too. And there's 70, 80-year-old fucking people on there. And the people that go to church and they vote, those people. So a lot of them probably think I'm the fucking devil living over here.

I don't have a hell of an idea what these people think, but I'm pretty sure most of them know that some comedian man lives here, and he's supposed to be, but he's dirty. I don't know what they say, but I lay awake high at night and laugh about it. I mean, you do, even when you write something serious, you do throw a little twist in there. If you remember a few years back, there was fucking for a season after all the caterpillars hatched, there's these fucking yellow butterflies. Cusick moth caterpillar.

The cusick moth caterpillar? Cusick. Cusick. That's what I said. Okay. I thought you said cusick. Oh, I thought you were saying kiss it. Kiss it like you do.

And you push my hand. No. So at one point I go, listen, I put on Nextdoor. Hey, I have, I'm tired of, like you, I'm tired of this plague of these hideous yellow butterflies. I've hired a crop duster that's going to be spraying the neighborhoods to get rid of this awful eyesore of butterflies. And I had a lot of people there. You're going to hear from the Attorney General. Do you even know

what they're spraying on us? Why would you eat butterflies? So I thought it would be really funny since this fucking dumpster thing has blown up so much. People wonder why I fucking vax fluid on

the whole fucking. I don't care about any of that. This is what affects my day-to-day life. Someone takes your dumpster and gives you a fucking hand cart, especially when we have to cart just a football Sunday. We fill up half the old dumpster. That's going to be spilling out. And then Javelina's knocked this shit over.

It's going to be a fucking nightmare. So, yeah, that's what affects my day and that's why i craft so i was thinking about putting on next door and now that i'm in my states now i'm more tempted to actually do it it's only funny if you really do it stanhope uh just just that i have a a someone i know that's high up in the Sinaloa drug cartel. And they told me that someone, some people at City Hall were paid off because it's easier for the fucking drug mules to drop it at a specific location as a pickup in a blue can then rifle through a dumpster full of everyone's shit. So again, I had to, I have to write it out. Yeah. You got to work on that a little bit, but yeah. But to put on that,

I have it on good knowledge that people are being paid off. That's a terrible idea. I can't shit. Yeah. Especially adding the name of a real gang in there. I would stay away from that. That could be perceived as a threat, actually, on the other side, because they kill people. What if you were in a fucking Mexican drug cartel, and your only job was to sit there and follow local next-door pages?

Yeah, yeah. Really? sit there and follow local next door pages. Yeah. Really? That's it. No, no, no, no, no one's suspecting the blue,

the blue, the blue cans. I don't know. Hit on blue cans, boss. What's going on? What's the chatter. This website doesn't always kind of update itself.

Sometimes it goes into, I don't want to even get back to work. Yeah, that's not, that's one to just giggle about, I think. But I get it. But the dumpsters, yeah, that's a very polarizing subject in the last week. I know. And that's all I give a shit about.

It'll be in the paper. Guaranteed, it'll be in the paper, this Bisbee Observer coming up. We should get more people. We should do fake commercials for the bisbee observer why not well just case you can do the graphic layup love to find out that someone in fucking ketchikan alaska or yellow horse or fucking banga banga maine yep yeah if they were reading the observer that we breezed through in under three minutes every week. What kind of ad do you want to do?

Like a service? And then just hook up and get a Google number so that we get the voicemails? Hey, this is how we do it. We do it like a fucking right-wing conspiracy. Don't believe the fake mainstream media. If you want to know what's really going on, you'll get the Bisbee Observer. Wait,

we can't advertise for the Bisbee Observer for in the Observer. They'd know that was bogus. I thought you wanted to do something that looks bogus. No, I mean on our podcast that you're doing right now. Oh, I thought you wanted to advertise in the observer. No, one of our commercials.

That was always my favorite thing. I don't know when we got so sloppy, Chaley. I blame the virus. Yeah, we can do that. Why don't you get high and save a piece of paper that's blank and write down an ad? Well, here's what I did. I did tell Dave

Rader that I got to remember to do that Tarryton commercial we peeled out of a 1973 Playboy. Yeah. And then he had to tell me, yeah, we already did that. Yeah, that was a while ago. Yeah, I didn't remember that we did it already. Yeah. But you didn't write it out in beats, and that's the problem

because it was just a little too freeform. You want to make an actual ad. You have to read it. But sell it like a fucking what's his name? Asshole. Alex Jones. We're just talking about. Sell it like that. Don't believe that. I get my news from from the Bisbee Observer. You know how they're legit? They have a PO box.

They're off the grid like we should be. And you're going to learn how by going to the bisbeeobserver.com and subscribing to the Bisbee Observer. There's, hey, QAnon. There's hidden messages from Q in the police beat. There, that's an ad. All right. You just don't have the contact information. I can put that in as a voiceover.

I'm actually writing this down, you know. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Sorry, I thought we were in, like, now you said we just recorded that, so I thought I was done. Like, when we're done with that copy and I just leave, I forget I'm still on a live podcast. Oh, my gracious.

I do want to say thanks to everyone. Patreon, our subscribers are awesome, and it really makes a difference. We probably wouldn't be doing this otherwise. But if you don't have – if you're not a Patreon subscriber, that's why you hear pre-rolls and mid-rolls and end-rolls and other things. You know what? Sometimes I try on the mid-rolls and mid-rolls and end rolls and other things you know sometimes i yeah sometimes i try on the mid-rolls and did you put my funny part when i went on that tear in the last commercial

you said you'd all put it in somewhere do you lie to me no i tell you when i'm not going to put something in i haven't produced that but uh yeah that's yeah that's that's going to be from patreon only because um that could get us. Shit can't. Yeah. Well, we could lose a sponsor with that one. But if I cut it right. That's what I meant.

Yeah. But it would be Patreon only. It wouldn't go out to the regular All Things Comedy link. God damn it. I swore I was going to remember. And I had my fucking hand up to say, oh, the most important thing, aside from merchandise, please get some and the dates, please buy tickets, etc. The most important thing, not Patreon, get on the fucking mailing list. Because at some point when I go fucking tits up on, I can't even get on Instagram.

I can't even get on Instagram. And when I tweet that I haven't been able to get on Instagram for over a year and a half, all I get is spammers that fucking, I don't know what they follow or what triggered it. But when I say I can't get on at Instagram to hopefully, like, I didn't even really use it. Hannigan would post some pictures or tour dates, but it's not like I could get locked out, but there's no one to fucking talk to. There's some mysterious fucking man behind the Wizard of Oz. But the mailing list. Yeah, get on the mailing list. So if we ever get kicked off all this shit or I just fucking quit

on all this shit, I go, I'm fine playing that Holiday Inn right behind Greg Chaley. He's giving us the view of, yeah, when I'm playing in some back alley place, you're going to be the only ones that know. And I don't give a shit. I'm happy to be there. I don't know if we had a poll. I think the happiest shows you've ever seen me at were the least seated 60 seats in a fucking

hojo's yeah not empty but just a small capacity yeah as much as we bitch about those small gigs those are my favorite so well i mean we also bitch about the fucking uh uh the the shows that go weird with equipment and and crazy stuff like that because those are the ones that stick out you know those are another thing you know they we we bitch about it but those are the ones i complain about things because that's what i do for a living and now i'm stuck in that complete place of contempt all day and night but uh but i'm enjoying doing it yeah and you're enjoying hearing it any mental health crisis we have on the line i'm just saying we should are you talking to someone i mean you should do a suicide hotline as part of our podcast okay suicide tied a fucking

folder in those emails oh man your mental health is uh taking a big blow during this it seems i just read in the usa today a newspaper version yeah what about mental health is uh suffering quite a blow it just it's the same as for all of us like you're tired of talking about coven imagine having to be a fucking anchor on a 24 hour news channel that has to say this every fucking day the cdc is suggesting wearing a mask you've been saying this like two years of doing my own act and trying to make it different but that guy's reading off a teleprompter going this is the same act you just keep playing the same act for me over and over and over again.

Yeah, you think you're tired of your jokes. How's that guy feel? I'm going to open with my closer. I'm going to do Trump first and then COVID second. That's everything for four hours. Oh, thank God a fucking plane got hit by a train right after cops.

Yeah. Who would put a train track through a runway anyway? It seems you're asking for trouble. The point is, that's the one story the guy gets to tell at the top of the hour where he finally gets to tag out to jake tapper going oh thank god i got 30 seconds of footage of a fucking train hitting the plane as they're pulling a bloodied man out of it you know it's that's newscaster gallows humor the guy got killed in the plane.

If they didn't get him quick enough and a train ran over me. That's an old tell bit. One of my favorites ever. Yeah, my favorite plane crash. And I know it's wrong to have a favorite. A plane crashed off the coast of Colombia and they said some of the survivors were eaten by sharks.

How fucked up is your luck that the two weirdest things in the world that could happen to you happened at the same time? Did someone fuck a leprechaun on this flight? But yeah, that's what the fucking plane crashing into a train tracks

and the cops pulling the guy out before the train hits the plane. The two most fucked up things, other than going viral, which no fucking survivor eaten by a shark got footage of. Just saying that poor bastard has just been saying, well, Anthony Fauci says doing the same act is happy when that fucking train hits the plane. I'm good. You have a final thought?

Yeah, I think we should do this more often. All right. All right. I would be fine with having a couple in the bank. I'm going to go try to get GPS. I think maybe Friday I'll go up, try to get GPS on my Mazda if I can get an appointment. I think Tracy's driving out on Thursday.

We can do it all this offline. Yeah, yeah. It's probably, yeah, that's good. All right. All right. Say goodbye. Hey, can I sign off i sign yeah get over here i'm just trying to hit the leave button right after you do it okay shit oh fingers oh did she forget her script no okay i remember she combed her hair i did i combed my hair holy shit it was okay ready

yeah okay have your one eye look at the other eye Like you did last night Oh wait I can do a trick Okay Bye bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you.