The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#504: "Suicide, Sharts and Sucker Punches"

Episode Date: October 19, 2022

Back on the road and it's a full week as Doug explains. Live recording from The Comedy Zone in Raleigh, NC (Oct 16, 2022). Recorded Oct 17th, 2022 on the road in Raleigh, NC with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" now available in hard copy exclusively at Amazon.com. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp, easy and affordable online therapy. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash stanhope today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. This is a very, this will be a quiet podcast, which I'm not against. I probably yell too much anyway, but we are in Raleigh, North Carolina. Probably not Raleigh, kind of like that last chunk of the first chunk of this tour where we were

adjacent. Yeah. We were in Dayton, but not in Dayton. And then we were in Albany, but not in Albany. This neighborhood is, it's upscale,

but box story. But one of those neighborhoods that they, they have all the same shitty corporate stuff but won't allow big signs. So you drive past the mall looking for something, but they won't allow big signage. So you'd have to actually drive through to see what's in it. And it's all the same corporate shit. So if you're going to have all that same corporate shit, why not just have the big fucking signs too? I think that's part of like blight, like suburban sprawl and blight.

Just looking to like downtown somewhere. Yeah, but it's the same reason. People would come here for the same reason. They would go to that urban sprawl with a Bojangles sign that's 16 feet, fucking hot, taller than God's fucking balcony. God's balcony? Yeah. It's an EDM band.

I am speaking low. I usually am loud. I know. I kind of like it soft. It's a huge lobby at the, what is it, Courtyard Marriott. But it's nice because we have yet another day off, which I never complain about. I mean, when I look at the schedule and I see Hennigan hasn't booked

half the dates and we're six weeks out, I give him shit because I don't mind the days off i mind oh uh no one's gonna know we're here and we're gonna have a half sold show because you booked it three weeks at a time but yeah we get a lot of days off on this and it's it's fine i just shook out that way yeah this is we're one week in and uh i talked to you last one after the uk and i still have ptsd that was still from bisbee yeah yeah yeah that was in bisbee and uh and i i finally got chaley to stop playing that fucking stupid stevie's underground fucking basement music little stevens underground garage yeah and i understand the longest running rock show on yeah

but i have you noticed how now that i've i i i understand you guys probably don't want to listen to a 25 hour audible book of the history of caa the agency i get that but so i said just shaley put on one of your podcasts i don't care what podcast it is i just want to hear people talk which feels like a setup to me like yeah you're gonna shit all over it like you need something to be angry at no it just even if it's stuff I don't know about. You played that one podcast about, it was the last episode, but it was still fine about the history of. Land of the Giants, which was about Apple.

They do a deep dive, like six or seven episodes on tech giants. It wasn't supposed to be about Amazon, but somehow it drifted into iPhones. They've done Apple, they've done into iPhones? They've done Apple. They've done Facebook. Oh, yeah. It was supposed to be about Facebook, but they kind of drifted into iPhones. Because it was about Zuckerberg was on the screen. Anyway, the point is, yeah, half the shit they were talking about, I didn't understand.

But I still, it's like when I read a book uh that i'm really into i'm only half reading the book because if it's something that's it's triggering thoughts and ideas that go down a million other pathways and now i'm in a what and i missed you know four pages because i was thinking about something else and yeah words inspire me and so when i got you to to first put on a podcast you go oh i go just stuff i don't know about is is great because i'm learning something and you go oh this is the one and you didn't tell me it was british yeah which was good because i would have prejudged it and said no right coming, coming right off the UK tour. Well, I just don't like, I just think of John Oliver or something,

and I hate it. But I put it, and it was great. What's it called? No Such Thing As A Fish. Yeah. I had a wait, wait, don't tell me feel, and that sent me down a path of you know how you know we can because i don't listen to podcasts and i should if i do one i mean i know how little effort i put

into it but if i hear others it's like what they say you can't write if you don't read like if you can't write a book i don't know this i think that was bukowski or someone that said, yeah, you can't write if you don't read. And, yeah, that gave me ideas for podcasts. And I was spinning out. It's a trivia show. So there's a lot of stuff. They're not invested. You can pop in and pop out.

And they go off on tangents, which are interesting. Yeah. And then when you. I knocked out of the park with that one. Yeah. But do you see how often now that i'm pulling out my pen and notes pause it pause it shaley yeah yeah uh and then when you do smartless is now i'm i'm hooked on that and i'm sad i will never catch up with it

because i can't listen to podcasts at home. I can't listen to audible books at home. It's only on the road. Being on the road when it's out of the city. It's just on the highway, long drives. Yeah, it's really inspiring. Smartless is great. Smartless is Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, and Sean Hayes from Will and Grace.

And you can tell they just have a rhythm and they're hilarious. It's like really, really funny. And then they have a guest that's a surprise guest to two of them each each one person they alternate one person does like a research so they have you know so it flows a little bit they're very it's very regimented it's only in an hour at the most and it's it's one of the few podcasts i know i wish this was way longer yeah because i'm after it's after one episode's over i'm bouncing like a child in the passenger seat going, can we listen to another? Can we do one more?

Can we do one more? I'm like, bingo. Who's coming in tonight? So, yeah, we're going to get a lot of that. But just the commercials. Like, I'm listening to the commercials because we have some crossover sponsors. And I'm like, how do they do the commercials? So it's very fun. It's never slow. Because we have some crossover sponsors. And I'm like, how do they do the commercials?

So it's very fun. It's never slow. And the ball busting between the three of them are just so good. And their guests are A-list, like working actors that are out there. Yeah, I think Kevin Bacon was the first one. And I'm like, I want to be in on this conversation. I met Kevin Bacon. He was the best man at my I'm like, I want to be on this conversation. I met Kevin Bacon. He was the best man at my cousin's wedding when I was 18. Really?

Yeah. Up in San Francisco. I had just started doing comedy. Did he just like walk in and go, hey, what's going on here? No, no. He was the best man. Oh. Yeah.

I thought maybe they just like, hey, Ricky, take off your jacket. Kevin's going to. He's the best man. Kevin's the best man. Yeah, like Bill Murray would do. Yeah, like he'd walk in and be like, can I have this dance? Yeah. I'm going to bartend and DJ.

You mind if my band doesn't sit between the wedding singer? No. No Bacon Brothers. Anyway, so. Yeah. the wedding singer no no bacon brothers uh anyway so yeah the words have been great the podcasts i've been just writing so much shit why is it different listening to music because all i do when i listen to music all i'm doing is uh, I got to rewrite that I hate music bit until it works. Because I hate it and it's interrupting my thoughts. Or then I'll just fixate on, oh, you rhymed arms with charms. And everyone knows you suck.

But then hearing people talk, it actually frees up your head to kind of work through things, even though you're new. You suck. But then hearing people talk, it doesn't, it actually frees up your head to kind of work through things, even though you're listening more. Yeah, I'm listening. And then something will spur an idea, and then I can go off track if I want to, or I say pause it. So, because I don't, I don't want to, occasionally I go, Tracy, that's like the time we end. And I'm like, pause it to talk,

because I want to hear every word of this. SmartList, the podcast for people who hate podcasts. I think they hate podcasts. When I drive to the airport, I listen to nothing. Unless I have a good book on tape that I'm into, I drive in absolute silence and it's psychotic. No, I mean, that's a no idea. The shit that my brain is playing is you work through some things in your head when you've got nothing else except concentrating on the road.

Yeah, that's what I remember seeing a thing with Willie Nelson forever ago. Him talking about how he's written songs just driving late at night and just driving. That's it. I never wrote more in my early years when I lived out of my car and doing mostly Western States triple gigs. And a seven-hour drive between gigs was not you know unheard of passing your next gig and then like and then when you're next week you're in oklahoma and you're coming

from idaho okay now you have days of nothing like i wouldn't speak like for a day and a half, I realized I haven't spoken to a human being in like 72 hours. Except for, yeah, a junior bacon cheeseburger. Okay, I'll pull forward. But you do take diners club? But that was back when I'm driving piece of shit cars. Before, you know, even CDs, like I had radio. Art Bell. If you're lucky.

Yeah. You know, you'd get, you know, 20 minutes outside of Denver and you don't get shit. Like that drive between, you know, L.A. and Vegas. I remember, okay, at some point you're just going to get that one station in Barstow and it plays What is Love? Anyway, who's that guy? He has a million hits and they're all kind of Howard Jones? Yeah, Howard Jones. I remember Howard Jones was like

the king, that type of music where it's kind of, you know it, but it's not really any kind of, it's not pop anymore because it's the day. Anyway. It's innocuous. But yeah, all those hours of silence, I would write, that's where I did most of my early writing. Now, I'll put on a book on tape, but anyway. So it's been a fruitful, we're using, I'm not using an opener, which is kind of UK style or maybe even Fringe Fest style. I don't know if they generally touring comic spring openers

but in the in Edinburgh when I first started doing the Fringe Festival everyone had a themed show so no one had an opener because they had it was basically a play you're doing for an hour and ten or whatever so yeah this the UK tour I might have had yet to a couple yeah but for the most part no it's just you which is here especially in comedy clubs here where they drop tads going just out cold and doing the entire thing, their attention span, their energy levels, the audience's stay longer. When you have an opener, I always said that about any show. We never have an emcee, even if we have a couple comics on the bill.

There's not a comic that goes up in between comics because the more faces they see see the more they feel like the show's getting ready to end uh i've noticed that that's why we tag team like okay you bring shotgun we call it shotgun style but tag team is as apt but it is one of those things where i think it and like the uk thing i've always thought i was yeah, I don't get why they do it that way. Now I'm on board 100%. And when you have these things where a guy goes up and then he brings up a guy and then that guy finishes, who brings up the first guy, who then is like, this is all just smoke and mirrors. We don't need this production.

We need basically Doug to go on and when they do do that in the uk like on a multiple you know act bill uh they always the the mc is always the more seasoned one if there's a middle act he's what we would use as an opener which doesn't make sense their way is way better because that guy is going to pull people in. You don't go, he's going to read the guy that's been doing this for 18 months going up flailing and then go, okay, here's a, here's a better guy.

No, he's setting up the new guy for success. Yeah. Uh, but we don't do it that way in America. No, it doesn't make sense. Uh,

but yeah, no opener has been, I don't think I could go back. I mean, Sam Talent's going to open in Savannah because he asked. We actually have two. This is a local opener. It doesn't matter.

The point is, I don't know that I'll go back. I think, especially in comedy clubs where they drop tabs. If you just had someone do 20 minutes, 25 minutes in front of you, I go out and I'm half an hour in and the tabs are going out. And I go, I panic. I did that one time at the theater.

I panic is, wait, you're not going to be able to drink for the last hour because you just settled up? You're the only one with ice and a drink. Yeah. You on stage because I took it to you. Yeah. Everyone else is sitting there going. Once you pay your tab, as soon as I sign a tab, where am I? Out smoking.

And you guys are getting the to-go food or finishing your thing. I just paid for it. So, yeah, now. Well, the theater, I found out. That's when you did the. Well, here, let me explain. We did a lot of markets where I have a very good draw and a comedy club that was sold out and a bunch of people couldn't go.

a comedy club that was sold out and a bunch of people couldn't go. The one town we played, Knoxville, that I've only been to once in 32 years, is where Hennigan books a 750-seat theater. Nashville, we could fill 750 seats in a theater, but I love playing zanies. This is one of the things that we should talk about doing multiple nights in some of these. Like, if it's off nights and it's a Monday, Tuesday, we did that at the beginning back after COVID. We did Philly, Portland. Denver.

Where we did multiple nights. I think we did four nights, I think, in one place. Portland? I think we did three. Three, all right. Maybe three in Philly, too. But they were all off nights. So I have no problem with that. And it's so nice to hang up your shit.

Yesterday, we didn't even get to hang up our shit. Yeah, yesterday was a whole thing. It's a Sunday football day. And they're like, oh, you can't check in until 4. But we've got to be at the club at 5.30, but we're right downtown. Oh, my God, the hotel's on us. I'm taking over booking the hotels from Hennigan. I know he was on vacation in Greece.

Yeah, but you weren't on vacation when you booked. If you have to drive 10 minutes to the gig anyway, like, Louisville was great. It's downtown, and we hate fucking downtown hotels. We're in this valet parking only, and we have to unload all of our shit and then call the valet to come back to put the other shit back in.

But that's because it was right beside the club. Perfect. But last night, we still had to drive 10 minutes to a club. If we drive 10, we might as well drive 20 and be at a fucking shitty hotel in a residential place

with a fucking parking lot. Why were we spending this much money to be annoyed? And then we couldn't check in. It was a long fucking day lot. Why were we spending this much money to be annoyed and then we couldn't check in. It was a long fucking day yesterday. I don't even want to relive it. Maybe it's too late to

cut out some of my bitching about it that was recorded. I can put your opener on that. You talking about flip flop? Throw that at the end. You can burn all that. That was just you having a bad day. Yeah, it was a bad day.

Anyway, we're getting it to the break point. That's another thing I liked about SmartList. They don't stop the conversation to do the, they just find a pause where they go, okay, we'll be right back and then we should do that more often we do that why do i have a timer staring at me well i mean i need to get it in at a certain spot yeah i know i mean this one doesn't matter but once it's rolling and we have a guest and like yeah we should definitely not break and just do like they do

well that's how i add the breaks in that we don't stop for. Sometimes when we're rolling on that second between the B and C block, I just have to find a spot. And that's why I have you cut those tags and say, hold on, we'll be right back. Yeah. Well, hold on. We'll be right back. That wasn't even one that was cut, but you can use it again.

Hang on. Let me try it again. right back that wasn't even one that was cut but you can use it again hang on let me try it again it's like as long as we're in a place with the din of a hotel lobby yeah you know people are getting restless the bar just opened at six o'clock yeah all right well uh please hold now word from our sponsor better help sometimes ch, I get stuck focusing on the problem and not on the solution. Like with some other sponsors that say, Hey, it's a 60-second ad copy, but it's 17 pages and you have to read every word. Well, I called BetterHelp.

What should I do about this problem? They said talk quicker. That's the thing. It can be tough to train your brain to stay in problem-solving mode when faced with a challenge in life. But when you learn how to find your own solutions, there's no better feeling. A therapist can help you become a better problem solver, making it easier for you to accomplish your goals no matter how big or small. If you're thinking about

giving therapy a try, BetterHelp is a great option. I know, I've done it. It's convenient, accessible, affordable, and entirely online. Get matched up with a therapist after filling out a brief survey and switch therapists anytime you want. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there visit betterhelp.com slash stanhope today and get 10 off your first month that's better h-e-l-p.com slash stanhope the the other uh the other problem i've i've noticed with the literally breaking at 20 minutes is I know if there's a good story that I want to get into, I just

I'll save it till after the break. And you go, alright, well if I'm just like sawing logs for the first 20 minutes because I don't want to be interrupted. This episode has suicide violence and pants shitting.

It's all there. I should open with touching all the bases of a classic, an instant classic. Yeah, maybe that's the title of this podcast. Hang on. Wait, there's suicide sharts and sucker punches. Suicide sharts and sucker punches. There we go. I like that.

Yeah. Clickbait. Right before I left, I had all my notepads in front of me and my computer. And I got an email from a guy in somewhere in England. Oh, I know where it is. Anyway, he says a suicide email. It sounded kind of serious. And you get those from time to time.

I do. I have a huge suicide folder. Fortunately, I still keep in touch with a lot of those people that didn't kill themselves. But this guy, my wife left me and I lost my job and I lost my house. He was like compressed into like a week or something. In a week.

Yeah, it was pretty sad. So, you know, I know you get these emails and maybe you'll bring me up on the podcast. My friend listens to it. Google my name and Hartlepool and it should make the paper.

And I wrote him back. I said, I just left the UK so I know exactly what you're going through. I said, try moving first. Life's better if you're not there. He's like, I can't believe you wrote back. But still, I'm planning on it the next three hours or so and i wrote like well do some shit first you know he was gonna like drink a bottle of whiskey and take some pills and

go to the beach uh because i can't swim so that should be easy. And I'm like, that's the most awful thing to ever imagine is being at a beach in northern England in October. I imagine it's never not like overcast and sideways rain. That's what I saw. It's awful. You just see pictures of a beach there. You go, oh, do you wear work boots to walk on that? That's what I saw. It's awful. You just see pictures of a beach there. You go, oh, do you wear work boots to walk on that?

That's not even sand. Those are rocks. That's busted coral reef. Oh, I said that last night. I think that's when I looked at you. Yeah, as they just fall apart. Pieces of their face break off like

coral reef. That reef like crumbling statues yeah I like the coral reef, that was good however I said it, if I ever listen to these tapes and then then you can just

if you're ready to kill yourself you can do all this stuff you'll just get a If you're ready to kill yourself, you can do all this stuff. I have all this stuff. You can get a mohawk and diet and flip off cops. I don't know. I just went on a tangent of all this stupid shit you can do first. And then fortuitously, Bobby Caldwell called me from prison. I go, yeah, just fucking dealing with a suicide.

It does affect me when I get those emails. And not because I give a shit about the guy, just, but I do, I guess. Like anyone who's in a, like, again, as opposed to my bit that I've been doing, where it doesn't always have to be desperate. But when it is, and Bobby, he's like, he lost his job and his house and his wife in a week. And he's like, well, if you're going to kill it, he started saying exactly what I had just written to the guy. He's like, yeah, once you're ready to kill yourself, you're absolutely free to do anything you want

if you're really going to do it. And then he told me, and then I forgot. And he goes, and he can fuck it up. And I forgot, oh, that's exactly what Bobby's in prison for. He tried to kill himself. He fucking missed and killed his wife. Yeah you can fuck that up you fucking take a bunch of pills and then uh you just wake up and you're on dialysis and have brain dead your kidneys are gone uh so uh so then he uh emailed me back and said it's uh said, every time you respond, it keeps me around a little bit longer, but it's too late.

I already took the pills and the whiskey. So then I had to do that Diana Hone decision of, all right, she's actually killing herself. Do I intervene? So now I'm calling the cops. Because that's one of those, you can't rethink it later going, I should have. Maybe I should have. So to call the cops in the UK

in a tiny, tiny place. Yeah. Well, I look up the police website and it says dial 999. Well, that doesn't really work for biz people. And then I found a number and then i like i have to figure out how to dial internationally which is this there's a weird

plus button that i have to figure out how i gotta make a plus sign on a phone i you doing that reminded me of that i just kept going in my head of that the end of that one uh pink floyd song he keeps hanging up. Is there supposed to be someone there besides your wife? I don't understand. He keeps hanging up. So, and then I get, I have to do the, if you're calling from another country and I do that,

and then I get the automated system. If you're calling about this, press 1. If you're calling to, you know, because your car got towed, press 2 or whatever. It's really, then I get the lady on the phone and I go, listen, I'm a comic in the United States and I have a fan that says he's killing himself and I don't know who to call. All I know is his name and he's in

Hartlepool. And she goes, where? And I go, Hartlepool. That's all I know. Is this... And I'm reading the website and she's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where is that? And I go, I don't... That's all I

know. I don't know, I don't, that's all I know. I don't know. And I, I go, it's H-A-R-T-L-E pool. And she go, oh, Hartley pool.

I fucking couldn't. Not even close. I have no, I don't know what you're talking about. Is it an English name? Oh, so then, then I go back to trying to

put a set together for the road and get my shit together. And then I get a call back from okay, well we have a detective. They're looking for him. And he's got some questions. Can I give him? And so

he wanted the emails. I forwarded the emails that the guy had sent me. And I said, I would appreciate it if you'd let me know what happens. Oh, well, thank you very much. We'll let you know where we have people out looking for him. And they posted on their Facebook. And you helped me figure out how to post the Facebook thing to the Twitter. It was a fucking conundrum.

And he never got back to me. But then the next day I searched around and they said that he's been found safely. Oh, good. The Cleveland police. The Cleveland, yeah. Which was, I had to put UK. Wait, Cleveland? Cleveland is like.

Wait, what? Oh, Cleveland. Cleveland. Oh, I got you. Cleveland. Yeah, go ahead. So he was located safely. And I haven't heard back from him, which is

a fucking dick move, Stewie. Well, I mean, chances are they pull him in and he doesn't have access to social media. Like a Baker Act. Yeah, if you've been 5150'd over there in the UK, chances are they pull them in and yeah we thought oh it's a 72 hour i don't know what the like a baker act yeah yeah if you've been uh 51 50 over there in the uk how long do they keep you fucking locked up before you call back you go oh sorry to fucking put you out of your day dude so yeah and it was a kid too like i looked up the name and i found the very unique name so uh

i found what i thought was him it looked like a you know 48 year old guy that probably would want to kill himself but now this kid was like 31 because i said like yeah you fucking make your midlife crisis something to write about. Go out and do all this weird shit. I forgot what I told them to do, but I wasn't placating.

I wasn't. I think I read one of the emails and you were like, look, I'm not one to talk people out of this. Yeah. But I mean, I thought you handled it all right.

But still, you got to deal with that. Yeah. Do some yeah go out with a story and it might be one of those things where it just gets him over the hump and yeah he realizes ah fuck that bitch anyway well i forgot about him until uh time to write a podcast list? Yeah. Oh, yeah. What happened to that guy? Well, no, I didn't. I kept checking for... Anyway. So,

Nashville. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Nothing really happened. Huntsville. We did the Vills. We did Huntsville, Nashville,

Louisville, Knoxville. Missing a Ville. Nashville. Asheville, Knoxville. I'm missing a bill. Asheville, yeah. Nashville was great because I finally met Raelynn Nelson. I've done her podcast. I wish I remembered the name of her podcast. JB was with her?

Yeah, she's Willie Nelson's granddaughter. She's a musician. It's JB. Yeah. They're a band, but they interview comics. When I say I don't remember the name of the podcast, that's your cue to look it up. So don't look it up. You're trying to make me look like a stooge

you're trying to make me look a fool but instead of uh preparing for your set you drank with them yeah which has always been the nashville problem is we always had people in nashville ralphie may bird cloud like a jad ride and there's always people we knew Ralphie May, Bird Cloud, Chad Ryden. There's always people we knew. Oh, Honeydew Podcast. Is that not it? Oh, yeah, it must be it. I thought it had a name that had something to do with Music is Funny or something.

Oh, sorry, there's one called Music is Funny. Oh, yeah, Music is Funny. All right. But she's great. We've talked through the Quarantines podcast. She's eventually coming to Bisbee. She's just a ball of fun. And so, yeah, we hung out.

Yeah, and then, oh, Trace Adkins is coming to the show. I don't know. I mean, I've heard coming to the show i don't know i mean i've heard the name but i don't know is he the guy from the voice or something i don't know what country star is what i don't know fucking music i like much less country music uh and they were a fucking blast and we got there and had a fucking great show and then we sold merch afterwards MC Hammer style. That's one of the problems with Zany's. I'll bitch about it. The Comedy Zone in Charlotte has a green room that is access right to the line for ticketing.

It's not in the back of the wait which one last night last night the comedy zone in charlotte yeah yeah it's a so if you want to leave to go take a piss you have to get out in the middle of the line going in and then wait in line for the fucking only men's room for the entire club you know the back wall i was checking out the same thing because we've been really just drilling down on green rooms and going like you know why is this the case that place has been there for a long time and that back wall is a shared wall with the men's bathroom. No shit. So the plumbing is right there. There's a wet wall right there.

Oh, my God. It's so crazy. I know. I was thinking, like, what are they going to do? Just fix the... Oh, there's a pipe right there? Yeah. A little tiny closet that holds the spare mixers.

Yeah. Well, I found a fire exit that went out to a picnic table where the employees go smoke. And I'm like, this is my green room. From now on, yeah, there's no reason to be anywhere else. Yeah, and if there was just something I could piss behind, because that outside area on a weekend would be like a concert stage for something else that probably bleeds through into the comedy room.

In fact, there was by the end, I did two hours almost, and by the end of my set, there was music bleeding in through. That was upstairs at the Mexican place. I don't think that complex was nearly as big last time I was there. It's growing. Anyway, and the problem with Nashvilleashville zany's the only problem because it's otherwise a perfect club is there's no place to sell merch so we would sell out on the sidewalk and i'm like there's that back parking lot we're here early is space for like eight cars but if we get one of those

spots early we'll just do an mc hammer style out of the back of the van and it was funny that was so fun yeah it's like when you when it's so ridiculous that it's funny that's fine uh so we did that uh and hung out with trace atkins and and ray lynn and but what i didn't know is out front, Rae Lynn comes around. She goes, oh, yeah, I got footage of the cops. She's coming now. Go ahead, Chaley. Oh, you hadn't even gotten to your closer yet. Because this is a great show.

There's always someone fucking yelling some shit occasionally. But it doesn't, it didn't affect my show at all that night. It's also a show where there's no concern about people recording or taking pictures because they have those yonder bags. Yes. And that is, everyone has to put, and it's,

it's the club that does it. Yes. And that should always be on the club. It shouldn't be. Oh, I'm sorry. Cause this week's headliner has to makes you put your phone in a bag you make them put the phone but they never they never it was never a deal where like it was holding up people getting inside they

had it fucking down so you know we had uh brett brock and clint was there and they were they were trying to they were going to go in i go you guys should go get your seats you know because there's gonna be a line and I go look around the corner like fuck and they're just whipping everyone in so oh this is great these guys got it down well little did I know they were going to show us how they fucking how they had it down they pulled the guy from the audience like 20 minutes before your closer and I'm like what the fuck and I go around because I'm walking around to the front because I got locked out of the back getting Tracy set up. And there's a guy like wrapped up with two dudes.

Krav Maga. Yeah, like it looked like a boa constrictor was wrapping up two dudes. He wasn't little, little, but he was not a monster door guy this is a club security but he was a kid yeah yeah and the video we have gump right he he was he had this guy in this fucking i don't know diamond triangle fucking purple pose or something and it figure four leg lock he had him and that guy was just like cool as a cucumber just like the security guy yeah he was there and that was 20 minutes before your closer and i was like what everything okay here they're like yeah yeah we had to pull him out i'm like did he go to the stage because i

thought maybe he went up to you or something like that no no we just pulled him out the back i'm like all right i just left it had nothing to do with us and there was no but you get the follow up from george this george is the. That was 20 minutes for your closer. Your closer happened. And I go back there. That guy has still got him on that fucking hold. And they're making sure that everything. Calm down.

And the cops are on the way. It was 30 minutes. They had him out there. And then people were. After the end of the show. People were streaming out. He's still on the ground there. And they're working their way to the back to us where i found out from ray lynn that you know this guy was he sucker punched someone turns out he sucker punched the

general manager george who was his sweetheart and a huge fan of yours. He had not, he'd been wanting to catch you for 17 years. And before the show. Do you want to read the email? I mean, the text? I got to find it. I'll kill time. I'll zip through. But what I'm going to say is that he was looking for.

You find the text. I'm going to look at my notes and I'll kill time while you find the text he sent. Because I still want to do that. And if we never get around to it, I at least want to say what we were going to look at my notes and I'll kill time while you find the text he sent because I still want to do that. And if we never get around to it, I at least want to say what we were going to do if we forget to do it. Oh, yeah, please hold. The following is a clip from the World Record podcast. Do you know Jared from Subway? I have heard the name.

Okay. Well, he's on the line right now and he's going to burp into the phone for you. Sorry. So he's going to get out of prison soon and we're wondering if you want him to be your spokesman. So maybe I can come over and, like once I get out of jail, I can come over and burp. And he eats for free and eat and get free food yeah he's gonna get free food and then he'll get really fat you know i think you're gonna need to talk to my co-worker okay i get that hello yeah hey so you're the guy she said that you'll smash your uh cock and balls into a george foreman grill go to worldrecordpodcast.com you are listening to the doug

stanhope podcast oh you know what i'm gonna save that i'm gonna i'm gonna work on what we talked about the premise of this being i think i going to still work on that as a possible bit. The fucking sadness of Knoxville. Again, everyone was nice. It was just, it was a big theater. And again, just like when you put on that British podcast, when you put on the fish has no name or whatever the fuck, I don't know what it is. But once I heard that accent, how we're driving, and I really, it feels like PTSD.

The UK affects me so negatively that while we're listening to you, and it was a great podcast, as I said, I got used to the accent, but it put me back there where at some point we passed this sign where it's all the restaurants and hotels at this exit, those signs. And I saw Best Western at the next exit. I'm like, they have those over here? I'm like, wait, I'm not transported back to the UK. Where am I? Nobody said no. No more plastic triangle sandwiches. So I found out what happened with George and everything,

but I didn't know the full story. So I texted him the next day. I go, hey, what caused that guy to flip out in the showroom? He says, George responds, about 15 minutes into Stanhope's set, he yelled out a couple of times i told him to keep it down he said sorry about 35 minutes after that he yelled again security said to keep it down and he said go fuck yourself so i asked him to leave and he sucker punched me in the face so he grabbed him and threw him out george is not a fighter no i didn't get a chance

to tell doug but i've been waiting 17 years to get a chance to see him live and i get punched in the mouth halfway through the set thanks for a great story so the idea which since then we we were definitely going to do but we forget because the next day happens and there's a bunch more problems, is just get them on FaceTime and I'll just do my, from my closer, I'll tell the crowd the story and go, hey, so I'm going to put them on FaceTime up here on the stool. Let them listen to the closing. Whatever, 15, 20 minutes, whatever it is that he missed.

And that was a mouth shart. And that reminded me. Uh-oh. We've got to get to sharts before we close. Segways. Get your segways. So, George, if we forget to do that, it's because I have no memory. But it's the thought that counts.

Yeah, we should definitely do that. Definitely. We should do that. Definitely. We should do that at the Wormhole in Savannah. Or the New Brooklyn. We can do it at New Brooklyn. Oh, yeah. I won't have an opener there. Yeah.

Now I'm dreading openers. I'm sorry. Because when we had, like, in the UK. You're not dreading openers. You've just gotten into a rhythm. I know, but I like doing it solo so much. The one show that went poorly of the two.

In the UK? Yeah, the Hammersmith. Yeah. It was the Queen's dead day. Eve. They were doing a moment of silence for the Queen and then had to go out. It's one of the times I had an opener.

Fucking Canadian kid. Glenn Wool? No, Bobby. Oh, I remember. Yeah, you mentioned him on the last podcast. All I can think of is Bobby Caldwell. Anyway, he had to go out. But you can't hear in the wings in big theaters like that

like being even you're just 20 feet away in the wings but it's muddled the sound in the wings and there's no way to hear him in the green room and like i have no idea how he did what he said and just that puts me in a bad head space and most of these places that's one thing the comedy zone did have a feed in the green room yeah they had a tv yeah and then i had to wait in line with people before the show waiting to piss yeah no audio though in the green room no oh there was no audio oh fuck that's when i was firing you for not getting my tacos before you did a sound check over and over again. But I was motherfucking

everybody. Oh, that's right. Yeah. We're going to play that. At the end. Yeah. At the end. But on the way from Louisville to whatville to whatville? Louisville to Asheville? Is that how I want it? Whatever it was. No, it's Knoxville to Whatville to whatville Louisville to Asheville

Is that how I want it Whatever it was No it's Knoxville to Asheville Whatever Lexington, Kentucky is in the middle of Yeah We waited and Tracy hadn't eaten And we're just trying to find a breakfast place We passed a

Big boys, I forget what Bob's Mark's Whatever it was And then I'm fantasizing Like I grew up in big boys Big Boys, I forget what. Bob's? Mark's. Whatever it was. And then I'm fantasizing. Like, I grew up in Big Boys. I remember when I moved to L.A., it was a different kind.

It was Bob's Big Boy there. But Big Boys was a place as a teenager. We would go after we were drinking. We'd go to Big Boys. I always get the, whatever was cheap, I always get the house salad with ranch and something else. Anyway, just because of ranch. Oh, the salad? A salad bar, maybe it was, I don't know. I think they had a salad bar.

This is when salad bars became the thing, you know, with the sneeze guard and everything. They always had really good hamburgers there. Yeah, it was whatever you could have. There was something cheap there that I liked. When I got to L.A. when I was 18, I went to the Big Boys in Santa Monica. Anyway, then I was fixated on Big Boys, and then we kept looking for something like it even a perkins something that had breakfast all day that and then fucking finally we had to settle for

cracker barrel which i loathe cracker barrel i henry phillips liked cracker barrel he's the first one who talked me into going to one on the road and it just it just reeks of fucking elderly dead people it's every reason you don't want to go to a nursing home it's wicker and wicker and it's loud and it's either fucking screaming babies or walkers like that whole bit i i did about hating old people on the last special. Ruining my breakfast by being old and disgusting. And it was

like, it was crap. And I walked in and I was just a fucking light streaming hot fart, but nah, that's fucking liquid. And I got my underpants on and I've got long johns on thank God as the buffer so because I wear long johns it's been like yeah if it's below 70 degrees I'm wearing long johns I wear long johns basically

October till April at home even yeah and. And during the day, like the fucking, I don't know what routing we're doing, but my side of the van is always in the fucking sun. And so I got Long John's flannel pajama pants and Long John top and a T-shirt and over shirt and overcoat. and the sun is beating down on me every which way we drive we go south we go in a tunnel the sun's on me so so i'm just shard and i in the morning i'm debating whether I should put on shorts. It's like seven layers deep. Yeah.

And now I was eight layers deep walking into the Cracker Barrel. There's a new hot layer and it's going to get cold soon. And there's an old woman with a walker with her daughter with a baby in front of me. And I wanted to push them all over like a blocking dummy in a fucking football field practice scrimmage. And I got in there, and fortunately, the men's room was empty. There's a handicap stall. I couldn't tell if someone's in. That's one thing that should be a fucking law, is every bathroom should be like a Pilot or a loves where you go in and there's enough when you lock the

door it's just vacant or occupied every fucking bathroom should have that and i didn't try the handicap stall because the door was shut so i took the fucking other one. And now I have to fucking sit down, fucking wipe up like a dirty fucking baby. And it's everywhere. You have to wipe your fucking cheeks and the back of your balls. Did you get up on that little table that folds down? They don't have one of those. And do it to yourself. No, I should have taken the handicaps off because it was empty.

And thank God no one came in for the extended time I was there because once i do the sit down and shark to rest and then mop up and squeegee off as best you can uh then i had to and i'm wearing the fucking my long johns tucked into my five-day-old socks. And so I have to take off my shoes, my pajama pants, and then I have to peel off my whole long johns and sock combination inside, out, and peel them off. And I'm trying to do this in a hurry because now I'm fucking barefoot and bare-legged. So if anyone did come into the men's room they're just gonna see bare legs turning and contorting in different positions and it's a fucking cracker barrel in Kentucky they're not gonna go oh he probably just sharted you, some man's doing inappropriate things.

And then I'm not going to put the socks back on because they're five-day-old socks, which is fine if you've been wearing them for five days. But to reuse them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like reusing a condom. Putting on a wet sock is, like, gross. Yeah, so I just left the socks. I get the underwear off. I put my long johns back on

only just a little bit of leakage on the long johns and then you guys had to be wondering where I was when we walked in we thought maybe you had already been sat so we went and looked for you and then when I realized that you hadn't been sat

I told Shaylee, I was like, if you're planning on going to the bathroom, I would wait. DEFCON 1 for sure. Because there was, yeah, it was just long enough. Yeah, I came back out and you were sitting there and this fucking Cracker Barrel is so bad. It's just teeming with fucking, it's just like the shitty room at the fucking

glow oh I didn't bring that up I got a story about that I'll save that for another podcast but it was just like an echo chamber of just screaming and the fucking it took us like 20 minutes just for them to bring me a water

which I really just needed. And I was smirking. And she goes, well, what happened? I go, well, I'm not wearing those. No, I'm down a pair of underpants and a pair of socks. And then I didn't go into any detail because you were about to eat. You kind of frown on the shark stories. I don't go into any detail because you were about to eat. Because you kind of frown on the shark stories. I don't mind.

All right. That's pretty much it. I'm still a full week. Yeah, I'm enjoying it. I hate everything about comedy, except once I get on stage I've been really enjoying these shows I love this straight up

so that's one thing if you're coming to the shows this week or next week be here on time get there on time Tracy's selling merch out front and when it's gone it's gone if we go up five minutes late it's fucking guns and roses yeah I'm done just saying that's late If we go up five minutes late, it's fucking guns and roses.

Yeah, I'm done. Just saying, that's late. We're five minutes after the fucking start time. Even like last night, it's kind of an odd place. You come down through the hallway, and then there's a hostess that will get you sat. But when the show starts, they shut that door and you gotta wait out there i'm like seeing people like 20 minutes after the show started i'm like man what a bummer you just missed like that thing you did last night it that we're gonna play at the end of this yeah that was it that was fresh that was brand new

you missed all of that because you got here thinking there was an opener what you're about to hear i i was angry to a point where and i explain it a day that was just a million little fucking every fucking thing where you get to a point where i was so fucking angry i go if i have one of those hecklers that i would normally just address and move on i might fucking snap like i am so like yeah i think i think it's self-explanatory in a bit but i'm never angry like that. I yell about things. I had to put on a fake smile with everybody. The fucking staff, the management, everyone. Okay.

I know once I get this off my chest on stage, either it's going to be too angry and queer in the audience or I'm going to be fine and it turned out fine he's like shaley uh uh depending on how that goes we might not want to sell merch at the end way ahead of you chief but it was interesting because you you were talking about when you were kind of laying out the beats on on how to do it it was that thing you had to walk that tightrope you need to be angry because

the catharsis of being able to just to let that go that helps you but at the same time you can't be an asshole yeah they have to see the funny in it and it has to resolve to that which i think you did really well yeah uh it fortunately worked out and then again it's one of those things that's a cliche in comedy that i don't even where oh it's going to be cathartic to uh be able to just i never want to do comedy but that night i needed to do comedy which is very rare for me where i think i need to fucking yell because otherwise yeah i'm gonna be that guy that fucking sucker punches a lady at a town hall meeting and goes viral enjoy the uh yeah and we'll put the video up of uh that ray lynn sent me it's just that girl

really but oh okay yeah is it worth it if you it worth putting that up on Patreon? If you throw it up, yeah. It's the girl that was with the guy that's now being arrested. Oh, no, the guy. Remember? He gets up and he's... Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm putting it up.

I'm totally putting it up. Oh, actually, I haven't seen it because I had you play it for me at breakfast, but I didn't realize audio was involved and I couldn't hear it and I said, play it for me later. So, yeah, put it up. I'll even be able to see it up on uh patreon so if you're on patreon that's uh that's uh one of the perks thank you guys very much and listen to smartless and then uh and then tweet out of doug stanhope says you're his new favorite podcast don't tell him i don't listen to any other podcast except for that fucking fish in a barrel from britain all right

i love you guys oh bingo is arriving tonight how does she take us out okay bye bye now សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់� Thank you. Well, with that being said, I'm not going to waste your time. The man you came out to see. Everybody, please, start clapping your hands together right now for Mr. Doug Starhawk! the dog. The dog. You already. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Is that the sound here? Is that working? Okay, good. You just made you clap better than that four times. Just pace yourself. You said comics. You know I'm the only comic. You kept saying out of respect for the comics.

You're like fucking Anchorman. You'll read anything that's on the teleprompter. You made it plural. I had a really shitty day and I'm gonna complain about it for a while. But I promise you, I have a set that's funny and stuff that I'll get.

Chaley, you told me the fucking flip-flop dude was... Oh, that's you. There you are. Okay, good. You're at the end of my bad day. I never show up... Like, sometimes I don't want to do comedy, and I plow through,

and I drink past my sloth and my... But today was just one of those... Like, everything sucked where you can't... but today was just one of those like everything sucked where you can't there's nothing specific but a million little fucking things to the point where I have active shooter in my eyes

and I had to get on stage I fake smiled for you I fake smiled for the staff I kind of weaned off of it. I came in hot from Asheville, still a little stinking drunk from last night. I'd stopped at the Pilot and Marion on the way halfway here and had a 16 ounce cup of coffee which in my state that much coffee might as well be an eight ball for my nervous system and you don't know how it's going to go and then i just started getting a little tweaky and a little paranoid and i'm stomping on the brakes in the passenger side and tell him chaley what the speed limit is. Because I have weed.

I have an edible on me. Slow down. And then as we get into the city, I'm like, watch out for that. We get to the hotel, and it's kickoff. And they go, you can't check until four. and i'm like that's fine i was gonna watch the game in the bar anyway i'll just sit in the hotel bar and watch the game no problem and they go the bar is closed for remodeling that's where my day turned. For me, that's akin to saying your hotel room has no bed.

I don't book a hotel that doesn't have a bar unless the hotel's next to a bar. So I try to shake that off and then we drive around. We'll just find a sports bar and nothing has fucking parking and there's one sports bar. Oh, Kaylee looks it up. Oh, there's a sports bar right there. There's nobody

in it. I think it's closed. What sports bar on a football Sunday has no people there? Oh, one that's fucking blasting R&B and only has three screens. It's just a fucking death of a fucking thousand cuts and then we're walking

around downtown and there's fucking buskers playing music and fucking music sucks. And it makes you angry. When you're already angry, now you're just looking for everything else that fucking makes you angry. You suck

and you're loud and it's Sunday fucking everything fucking sucked and it was... I was sitting We couldn't even check into our room By the time we checked into our room Okay I'll watch the football game

We have 30 minutes before we have to do load in For the fucking gift shop I'm not a band why do we do load in There's no drum set Well we're gonna sell fucking Gnip Gnop to the fucking merch booth So we get here early And the fucking green room has no toilet,

you can't smoke in it, and everything sucks, and I wasn't even in my suit, so when I saw you in my pajamas, fucking at 545, and you're slipping down the goddamn slope in your fucking

Birkenstocks, in my mind, and you're slipping down the goddamn slope in your fucking Birkenstocks. Stop, stand up! In my mind, that would be no different in my head than if you walked into my hotel room while I was coming out of the shower into the fucking room to shoot up. And you're like in there going, stop, stand up! And it took everything in my heart to not tell you to go fuck yourself because i know this is my bad day and it's just because i drank coffee don't drink

coffee drink vodka that's all i was trying to say Believe me, I have a set coming up. I just had to fucking rifle through and just let that out. It's like one of those days where as a virulent atheist, you start believing in God so you have someone to blame for every shitty thing. I had to fucking brush my teeth in that fucking toilet. And I know what comedy clubs are like. I'm brushing my teeth and now you spit. And then I did this.

It was fucking no water. It was just cartoonish. I had no water. And the long-haired kid, I can't see the staff, but the long-haired kid here, he walks in. I go, you look like a magician. Make this fucking thing work for me. He goes, you do like this in front of...

I've been doing like this. And then he does it like several times. And then one spigot, three down, turns on. And then the fucking hand towels seems like you go underneath. And then the hand towel comes out. I wipe my face and I go to leave. And the spigot in front of me turns on as I leave. I'm like, you motherfucker.

Fuck you, God. You're fucking with me. Am I on a hidden camera show?