The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#505: "The Macon Re-Do"

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

The final week of the the tour, Stanhope highlights the shows and details some complaints. Recorded Oct 27th, 2022 on the road in Macon, GA with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" now available in hard copy exclusively at Amazon.com. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - EgglesterSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

i enjoy a rag tag you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey uh we just did a an hour-long podcast and uh something fucked up so we're doing it again you're not the whole thing we're not the whole thing i'm just, no, not the whole thing. I'm just supposed to start from scratch. Jesus. We've been listening to enough of a smart list podcast. I go, yeah, we can just riff and be a really funny off the top of our heads. Yeah.

Except I never am. Say the funny for the stage. We're on our last night off. Tracy's trying to figure out how to order chicken wings silently uh and we're in macon georgia i was telling them i played here i have no idea where that club was it had to be god that might have even been before bingo uh it was a it was a like a weekend gig right yeah it was like a it was roadhouse it was the movie porky's roadhouse it was this shit kicker bar complex but they put you up on the property and the room they put me in was like the bomb shelter at the quiet house it was just uh i would say uh maybe 12 by 12 cinder block room with a toilet and a bed and a tv like a cell yeah it was like a cell and that's

what i was telling you guys as it did two nights there and there's nothing in walking distance that you could walk to stuff but it's one of these like uh you know in the in the southeast there's a lot of these roads that have no sidewalks it's it's not a highway it's like dale mabry in tampa yeah yeah where it's it's not that busy but it's four lanes in each direction. Two lanes in each direction, but no sidewalk. So I could walk to a Waffle House when you're walking in marshy swamp grass. Even yesterday when I went to Bob Evans, and I had to just crossing the street on a small side road to walk. You had to walk through the marshy swampy all the southeast florida

everything's wet yeah grass and oh my god the fucking cockroaches in that hotel last night little bitty i killed three just walking across my computer screen while i was typing what little tiny we had none yeah she said he had none we had shit loads and bingo bingo put her toothbrush in the refrigerator to keep it away from them but at the same time you know how she does the urban sprawl with her clothes yeah they're everywhere and she's worried about her toothbrush i go you know that those cockroaches are all partying in your lingerie and all your weird outfits your toothbrush should be the least of your worries that's why when i i always get bingo to try to pack as light as possible and

since you're driving back and we're flying like just pack as little as possible you don't need this shit we'll see them in a few days when they get the car back you don't need most of that stuff and then to cement it i go listen all those little cockroaches these weren't big cockroaches little tiny ones babies i go they're all partying in all your your your clothes now your toothbrush is fine pack your toothbrush and put all that stuff in the van with the Chaley's so the cockroaches will be dead by the time you get your clothes home. And that got her back down to nothing.

Yeah, yeah. It has been so nice that Bingo has not been, I mean, she's come to gigs, but she's not been on the road like this since since the uh the the the brain injury and uh she just came in hot and uh electric and was so happy to go talk to the people where i have no energy to to go out and glad hand at the end of this is basically the end of three months of touring for you yeah yeah. Yeah. But for you, too. Well, we went home for three weeks, but yeah. When I was in the UK, but you had to drive the car from fucking Connecticut to Alabama to have it set up for the next part of this part of the tour.

Yeah. Yeah, it's been trying. And Bingo did infuse a whole bunch of new fantastic energy i have new outfits and couldn't can i go down now tracy's setting up merch at six can i go down now i go it's five she's not even there i know i just want to go talk to people and meet people. Just, yeah, all the electricity that we needed at the end of the tour. And the worst part about, like, now I'm off for seven weeks. We do Atlanta tomorrow, and then we go home, and then I'm off until New Year's Eve, which is a huge thing.

Everybody, New Year's Eve, not only is it the plaza, our favorite place in Las Vegas, but we realized it's a Saturday night. I go, fuck, football Sunday the next day. We haven't done this. I think 2017 was the last time or the only time we did at the Plaza. It was in September, I remember. September 27th. I don't know how I remembered that, but you fact-checked it.

You're right. It was September 27th where we did football and fans. So we did this show this Saturday night, and then the next day, we all take over the fucking sports book and do football all day uh and it was such a blast the first time it was fucking chaos it was great good uh chaos not bad chaos like problems there's only been a couple problems on the road the point is so yes new year's eve get drunk and you have all your stupid high expectations and you'll

probably pass out early and shit your pants. But the next day is football Sunday, January 1st. We will be there at the sports book with you all day. I don't even know who's coming from home or abroad. I know Hack was talking about coming from England.

Yeah, I think he's coming there was some shifty shit i won't get into it he had a fucking hotel issue where last year he booked his hotel a year early so he could get a fucking decent rate because everyone is booking last minute back then they're trying to book a week out like they're so so you get a really good price uh some hotel and then they said oh yeah we had to cancel your booking you had to rebook it and it was went up 300 bucks or some some shit i go i would have fought that yeah but i would have been here not dialing internationally oh shit did we ever tell you the suicide guy? Is that the last podcast?

Yeah, yeah. But would I say that I found out? Oh, yeah. No, because he. Oh, he wrote a letter. Yeah, no. He emailed me back because he heard that podcast and said, yeah, sorry. That was kind of a dick move.

I did. I did go to the beach after he took his pills and what not by then the cops were looking for him he said I slept there for like 7 hours and then they found me wandering down the street and they didn't even put him on any kind of hold

no psych hold they just brought him back to his parents and he said I feel like a dick but I'm glad I'm alive and that was very cool i the i read the uh email to tracy to see if i can make her cry but uh the one thing she cried she got a little a little teary but it was one of those things where it has a happy ending but the thing at the end he's like when i walked through the door and i saw my family you know in in the

you know in the living room that's i'm so glad i didn't do door and i saw my family you know in in the you know in the living room that's i'm so glad i didn't do that so i mean that's the thing it's like those feelings are temporary and you know sometimes you just gotta weather it so yeah but he's all right yeah that was a it was a nice moment anyway but the point is the point is just the problems i had trying to call overseas to get a fucking the cops on the phone imagine trying to fight with customer service please continue to hold press zero if you're making a reservation oh you're yeah so he just said fuck it took bit the bullet so i don't know who's coming from anywhere but we're doing uh we're doing the show and it's not a it's not like a ring in the new year doug will be on stage till

midnight yeah there's no fucking hats and hooters yeah you go fuck come to the show and there'll be a bunch of us hanging out everywhere and all the faces that you see when we do the happy hours. I'm sure a ton of them will be there. Every time we go, you just walk around a corner and there's another killer termite or, uh, so it's fun. And,

fucking Oscar steakhouse. We should make reservations now. Oh yeah. Please hold. Oh, yeah, please hold. What I'm saying is the end of, after this much touring, it's actually where you're like, I'm fucking desperate to go home and take those seven weeks off, which after COVID is like nothing. That's like, oh, that's barely a fucking long weekend.

I always feel like I'm done with the road. Do I get another year and a half off? But the problem is you get to a place where now I have, like, I can't wait to do this joke. This came together and I got these new bits and I want to keep doing the bits that you build up and you fucking learn over three months but you also want to be home but that's why fucking new year's eve i'm just gonna be able to fucking let loose chaley has uh a recording of last new year's eve where we're fairly freshly back on tour and it's gonna be fun to see like all right how much of that stuff did i already do that i can't do how much of it was just nebulous in the moment where you know it's just

being worked out and now it's one of those bits i can't wait to do again uh and uh what to add in i just yeah it's uh i'm looking forward to it i mean that is odd for you to say i'm looking forward to hearing myself on a recording well just because that that amount of time off was basically like just killing you're starting from scratch again to go back out on the road and learn how to do comedy and to see the difference in one year, because we don't normally do, at best gigs are 18 months to two years apart. Like I don't repeat stuff in the same market. The touring cycle.

So yeah, if I did Houston, you know, in January, I probably won't be there till the following June. Yeah. Uh, so it'll, it'll be fun to work that out with, I mean, I have the fucking slews of papers that I have the different, I have no organizational skills.

Like I used to, I have, you know, different, uh, legal pads and notebooks. And this is my permanent notebook where they go but then to put set lists together and then so i have the set list from when we started so i could see what on

just this tour what was what were the bullet points of that versus now and then the fucking high notes which is a new thing and oh and then i can't wait to get, I have not, since I did the whole UK thing high, I have not done a high show. I won't do it New Year's Eve. I'm not going to take that chance, but it'll be fun to go back and fucking write high. When I got high the other night when we were, did you even take edibles on our other off night? I just have to make sure no one wants a quick run to the store before I, you know, I have to make sure everyone's kind of settled in and we got all the food

and the drinks that we need before I can, you know, have an edible. So, yeah. And I don't get paranoid much, but just the fact that we, I think we were in South Carolina and just the fact that it was illegal, maybe kind of creeped out like there's there's something about you know being at home where i remember when the cops showed up when i was high and someone said we had stolen property someone reported us for the uh shopping cart or something yeah oh the luggage the luggage thing yeah that was on the podcast. Yeah, I know we talked about it, but the point is I didn't care at all.

I remember the days where even when it was Officer Bob Friendly, who was a friend of ours, everyone would, out of respect, fucking ditch your weed. I wasn't even a weed guy then, but they were all smoking pot. They'd ditch your weeds when Bob Friendly showed up so that he didn't have you know to have any plausible deniability exactly so what you're so let me if what you're saying is if i'm catching this right you're saying that uh that uh the edibles and uh and such uh cops are a buzzkill

to that is that what you're saying well i was never a high guy back then, but just the freedom. It's almost like when you have a cop in your rearview mirror and you go, wait, I'm not drinking. I don't have expired tags, like things you worried about in your youth. I've done nothing illegal. If they pull me over, I can be funny. I don't have to do yes or no. And when you know the cops in Bisbee, I don't know. You remember the time I got pulled over?

I was just about the highway 92, but that old pizza place as you're going the back way to Sierra Vista, it turns out to Bisbee. Yeah. 35 quickly to 45, 65. So I started going a little bit early and I see a cop behind me spin around. He passed me, and he spun around, and I'm like, ah, shit, I guess I'm not quite at the 65. So I just immediately pulled over. By the time he even fully turned around or even turned on his lights. I had my fucking license registration out the window.

And it's one of the guys that we've dealt with, with a fucking problem person. And he walked up to the car and he goes, then he sees it's me. He goes, you didn't even give me the fun of letting me chase you for a while. Small town. Yeah.

You could say white privilege. Probably, yeah. But no, it's just knowing people. And you also weren't taking out mailboxes and doing Brody's or the VFW. Yeah, it was fucking 11 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And I never speed. You can't speed in Bisbee.

That's a thing. You can't i got pulled over right in front of our house and i think they thought it was you because it was the the tour van but it was clearly going you know uh to your house and then i turned down and he's like you're not doug i go yeah maybe he's just worried that's my boss he's oh yeah you're speeding i go yeah maybe he's just worried that's my boss he's oh yeah you were speeding i go ah yeah i know and i think that was it wait how did you get pulled over in front of the house how do you even why would it he waited till i got like right down onto our road to where did he spot you speeding um i kind of blew through the the stop sign and then Busby Road.

Because cops are never on our road. That would be like. No, he followed me in and then that's when he caught up to me. He's like, you're not Doug. Well, fucking Officer Bob Friendly's kid, she got pulled over for going through the stop sign right by our house. She goes, why would you be sitting? I'm trying to find an analogy for the listener of fucking mayberry like a speed trap or a stop sign cop on the most rural residential area anyway

but yes uh so this this has been the bingo half of the tour. She showed up in Raleigh. I don't even fucking remember. Yeah, Raleigh. Funny bone. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's where we taped the last podcast, and she was coming in late that night, right? Yeah.

Yeah, that was great. And, I mean, just fucking great shows. Wilmington, North Carolina, which I taped from across the street in that town. But this is a new black box theater. They relocated from

what did you call it? Nuts? Nuts Street was where the local comics had their thing. So when I did that City Stage 5, wherever I taped and we played a couple of other times there, we would go crash their open mic and heckle and be jerks. Did I heckle?

I think last night was because they had open mic last night on our last show in Jacksonville. They had open mic going on while we're doing merch outside. They had open mic going on while we're doing merch outside. The Comedy Zone in Jacksonville is in a Ramada Inn. It's part of the hotel. Single story, perfect pajama gig, we call them, where you could just walk in in your fucking pajamas if you wanted to and then walk right back to your room.

And it's been there for almost 40, I think 38 years, they said. And I hadn't been there since late 90s was the last time I was there at the Florida Comedy Festival, I remember. And so we do our show and then they have open mic at the hotel lobby bar right outside the showroom door. Well, while they were loading in to your show,

they had started what was going, like getting everyone together, sign up sheet and all that. That was going on. I mean, so. Yeah, so it's, I mean, it's a tiny little hotel lobby bar. And then, you know, our show lets out

merch and fucking pictures. It had to be overbearing to them. And so then finally, I get done with all that. I go smoke a cigarette. We catch up. Kirshner, our wink, wink, nudge, nudge attorney showed up. So yeah, I came back out. I'll go check out some open mic.

And by then, the last person was doing their last joke. And I was pretty and by then the last person was doing their last joke and i was pretty drunk by then so then i i brought out my notes of shit i hadn't gotten to on stage and i hope i wasn't a douchebag like because they hung around and i go i'll go up yeah and they were very nice but you just never know if you come across as pompous or not I'll do some jokes they'll love to hear me but I think it was fine you never know I always worry you never want to

sometimes I don't even want to leave the house just so I don't want someone to think I was a dick when my heart was in the right place I didn't see the open mic I was getting food but by the time I got there it all shut down dick when my heart was in the right place. I didn't see the open mic. I was getting food, but by the time I got there, it all shut down. The bartender was eating.

Oh my God, yeah, that steak and shake. I was so excited when I see a steak and shake. We never see them. You have to be in certain parts of the country. And just a single steak burger with cheese and A1 sauce. And my mouth was fucking watering.

And I walked to it. If you haven't noticed, Chaley, I have taken off, finally, my Long John's shirt. I wear this suit at night. I get back from the show. I take it off. I put on my fucking. I'm always wearing the Long John pants.

But I put my pajamas back on, which includes a long John's top with a t-shirt. And then my long sleeve worker fucking double pocketed fucking go work shirt work shirt, which is great because a lot of these towns it's been, you know, fucking in the fifties, even for a low, you go to your car,

it's 60 degrees. It's chilly. And then you drive into the sun, you're wearing your fucking long johns, and you're sweating your balls off because it's all dark color. So today I finally, after Jacksonville taught me a lesson, after I walked with you guys to the Steak and Shake so you could go to the Halloween store, it couldn't have been 200 yards, but it was also 87 degrees,

and I'm wearing three layers, and Long John's on the bottom, and so I finally got rid of the shirt. But I went to fucking Steak and Shake. Fuck you, Steak and Shake. No, we don't have A1 sauce anymore. This has been a while this has been going on. Well, no, the first time it was an issue is they tried to pawn off that fucking Dollar Tree A1 sauce.

That's like Bolden's. It's like, oh, this tastes like not A1 sauce. Fuck you. Don't put it. That was one time I snapped. Years ago. But they've always had A1 sauce. They go, oh, we don't have a one sauce anymore.

Well, then you're a fucking hamburger and shake. Don't say steak. There's no steak without a one sauce. So then since I've been stealing a one sauce, here's the thing. You know what? I steal a lot.

I steal things. And I'm not going to tell you the fucking thing. I steal at home because I don't want you, anyone to narc me out or keep an eye out for it, but minor things. And I'm not going to tell you the fucking thing I steal at home because I don't want anyone to narc me out or keep an eye out for it. But minor things. And condiments, if they're free in a restaurant, well, then the whole bottle should be free. Don't we have a lawyer? I should ask Jay Kirshner to look into this or even Dave Rader. He's technically a lawyer what is the rule on stealing condiments if they're free can you be charged with theft because a1 sauce is really fucking expensive

but it's the best condiment out there pound for pound we've had whole podcasts i believe about condiments rob dukes when we had du on the first time, I think that was the majority. It was a fast food and underrated condiments. Was that? Yeah, it was probably after he fucking had to throw that guy out. Yeah, Valentine's. Valentine's, yeah. I kicked the window in.

So when we're at a place that I hate, say, like I think the first bottle of A1 that went into my pocket was when I sharted in the Cracker Barrel. What a fucking awful place. So, yeah, I take the A1 sauce with me because it's complimentary as a condiment. But see, when you say condiment, I think people immediately think ketchup packets or like Taco Bell packets. Yeah. You know, they're not thinking you're taking like salt and pepper shakers.

A lot of times it's not a packet. They put free ketchup on your table in a fucking ketchup bottle. I don't want to get all wound up again here. It's getting late. I want to annoy the neighbors. The wings? Let's give my staff

the stuff. I keep moving. I have all these notes everywhere and everywhere you put down in the south because of the humidity. The fucking ice bucket yeah it rips and runs and like anywhere i put my notes i'm like how does the river always find my notebook my papers and why is it how many fucking hotels we love it when we get a hotel that has the internal

adjoining door between there was one place we we were at on the first part in Albany. The Aloft. Oh, yeah. The Aloft where a photographer, bartender, Charlene works. We got three rooms. It was Junior who was with us. We had three rooms. Syracuse?

It was 104, 105, and 106, all of which had adjoining doors in between the rooms inside the room but yet none of them adjoined to the rooms that were ours yeah like 104 was adjoining the 103 what and then this place is fucking empty we're at a quality and it's a very nice place dead empty it's probably good what wouldquality Inn. It's a very nice place. Dead empty. It's probably got, what would you say? It's got to have at least 100 fucking rooms in this place. Yeah, there's another outbuilding over past the pool.

And there's probably eight cars in here, yet we're in 105 and 107, and they just put someone in 106. We've had all these rooms with adjoining doors when we're next to each other but they adjoined to the other room maybe maybe that's safer that they put us all together there's a safety in numbers type thing but this isn't just a low traffic area it is yeah it is thinking at least space them out out, put a dead room between us. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I don't know why that took me off the topic of is it okay to steal mustard from a restaurant in a jar or a squeeze bottle, whatever, if it's free anyway. So this is where we need strong legal advice. Because first thing, toilet paper, if it weren't for us having to sell too much merch, all the merch we have clogging up the fucking van, it would be full of toilet paper. Chaley bought a guitar on the road. And I saw you. 1960s silver tone Frankenstein, man. This thing is different parts.

There's like a screw in a spot. I've never seen a screw on a guitar. They took the pick guard off. It's great. Yeah. And I was outside whatever town we were in, smoking outside the hotel. And I saw you and Tracy walking with a guitar case all of a sudden. And then going away from me to go

eat or something. And I texted and I said, I just saw you walking down with the new present you bought for me, an empty guitar case for me to put all my stolen toilet paper in because there's not nearly enough room in the van. So I can't steal all the toilet paper and you go why you steal toilet paper because you use it yeah that's true it gets you it's not like when you were a kid i remember when i was a kid comic first on the road you'd steal every shampoo conditioner soap like gilbert lotion i what what did I use lotion for? I was even too old to use lotion to jerk off. I'm an adult.

I'm a professional dry jacker. I don't need lotion. It's probably easier just to grab all three bottles than to try and find your readers. No, when I was a kid, I would get that fucking the laundry bag that's hanging in every closet i had them full and after you know months of this is when i was living out of my car you'd like see that bag that you never use because you're going to be in another hotel

but you just keep stocked by and then three of them have busted so they're all soaked and the labels have peeled off and there's black mold somehow uh but toilet paper is still in play stolen bibles steal the toilet paper and steal a1 size because that shit's a fucking eight dollars a bottle and that's why we need to i think that's a great area doug i'm gonna have to go with a gray area on that. I know, but that's why we have fucking lawyers that are listening right now. They can advise us. We're not just doing this for the fucking giggles and hijinks. We want feedback. We're testing the courts.

Yes. I was thinking about, what if we get pulled over with all this fucking A1 sauce or what if no oh no that's I think that's when I was high

I think that's when we stole the other bottle where did we eat high I don't know I got panicked about like what if what if the cops like they call in

Quincy's oh yeah it was oh Quincy's family steakhouse wait they Oh, Quincy's Family Steakhouse. Wait, they didn't have A1 sauce. They didn't have A1 sauce. And it wasn't in the car. But I was thinking, what if cops pulled us over down the road saying,

hey, they say you stole a bottle of A1 sauce, and I'm like, what would I say? Anyway, it's been a fun trip. Please come to Vegas. This is a truncated version of the hour that we just recorded and lost. If you're the guy that told me I'm gay last night at the Comedy Zone, I almost went after. And not because he said I was gay.

With the Comedy Zone, fantastic show, fine audience. And then out of nowhere, and nothing to do with whatever bit I was doing, a guy just screamed, you're gay! And I'm like, all right, when you get this close to the end of the tour, after the wormhole, which was one of the drunkest I've ever been, but you're at the wormhole, so it was good. And I pulled fucking magic out of my ass to pull that show off. It was fucking amazing in a way that a boxer who's been punched

fucking half dead still comes back and wins the fight. I was fucking editing and it was, yeah, that's lost. We'll save that for a different podcast. Maybe one of the kids that was there has their own podcast. Anyway, when you get down to the fucking raw nerve after this long and the shitheads we've dealt with Nashville and the guy that punched fucking George in the face. And so just that guy, you confrontational. But it didn't even make sense. And I'm like, really, do you want to fucking go right now?

Do you want to test me with my fucking lack of patience? And I'm like i'm like at the edge of the stage as close as i could get to of course he's in the cheapest fucking back row yeah the fucking cowards no one ever does that in the front row you fucking see i've always wanted you i wanted to use that word last night and i go i gotta get a better word i don't you had a very short fuse and uh i think that was just a thing that happened that snapped. Cause I think he was just super drunk. Yeah.

Yeah. But he was, he wanted to cause a commotion. I guess. And he did, but with what you're, I'm like, you want to fucking.

And I, I, I bowed up at this guy and he stood up there's a fucking tall drink of water and he stood up like yeah he's gonna come at me like fucking come and i might i might have fucking i i might have hit that fucking guy if he was near the stage and then that would fail miserably i'd all my fucking brittle bones in my hand would break all the way up to my elbow and my fucking bed. What's that old woman disease with the bones?

Osteoporosis was what I was looking for. Hey, I killed that when I said osteoporosis in the first take of this, I didn't really say that. All right. So what happened? But anyway, I didn't really say that.

All right. So what happened? But anyway, he fucking stood up and he puts his arms out like Christ on a cross. Like, fucking yeah. I'm right here. But then he tries to back up in his chair to fucking get out of his table. And he just fucking went ass backwards over the back of his chair and fell fucking flat on his ass and was then gently escorted out of the building. Diamond Dave.

Yep, Diamond Dave was security. He's been doing security. I used to work. Who did he say? Not Whitney Houston. That's Kevin Costner. He was someone's bodyguard for someone famous like that. You know, that was a movie, though.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It wasn't Whitney Houston because that was Kevin Costner was the bodyguard for someone famous like that. You know, that was a movie, though. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It wasn't Whitney Houston because that was Kevin Costner was the bodyguard, not Diamond Day. But Diamond Day was – I spent two and a half years as someone like Whitney Houston. But then every time a fucking earthquake or some more comes to town, he's their personal fucking body. It's just so good.

Yeah. And it was so much history. Anyway, Shayla's going to do this other podcast. He does. And we get to get these wings and we'll see you in Vegas. You won't fucking hear this before I finished with Atlanta. And then,

yeah, I'll talk about my two million miles on Delta when I get back from that last trip that I have to fly to Honolulu to finally be get my diamond for the year and get my two million miles on Delta

and yeah and then I'll shit on to me bags again alright Bingo can you take us out Bingo, can you take us out? Oh, baby. Bingo's been sleeping a lot on the tour. If you've been watching the Twitter feed.

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