The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#507: "FIRE!"

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Fire at the compound. Recorded Nov 27th, 2022 at the QuietHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Raider, Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" now available in hard copy exclusively at Amazon.com. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist.

If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist at any time. Couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic. You can even smoke. No endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope.

You're listening to the doug stanhope podcast this is a podcast that we have to do because when your house catches on fire and you tweet about it and you tick talk about it i don't TikTok, by the way, but I do submit to Brian Hennigan's demands of, oh, we need to do more promo for things. Take video. Okay, well, we took some video. And it's kind of like when you're a kid and you break your arm and you get a cast,

and then you go, i'm gonna get lots of attention for having this cast and then you realize oh shit i'm gonna have to spend eight weeks telling every single person the same story that's not really that interesting we had such an outpouring of support. If you don't already know, it was a week ago. Today's Sunday. It was last Monday, so it's almost a week. I bought a space heater because we have solar now, thanks to Greg Chaley.

I didn't install it. You fucking, you've got it all set up. Nothing happens without you. I would still have a magnifying glass. Trying to start small fibers to keep warm. Yeah, so I got a space heater. I go, well, if we have solar and we're running strictly on,

you know, where power is nothing, power is free, electricity is free, I'll get another space heater. So I have one space heater that I've always used and added another.

Somehow, no matter if I have them in different rooms, they're on the same circuit or whatever. They can be. Well, it turns out where it didn't look like it would be. Part of it's the new addition. Part of it's the old fucking part of the house.

How would that? I don't fucking get it. It kept popping breakers. And Chaley kept coming up trying to fix them. He fixed one. and then the second one popped in i don't know i was trying to make sure that you are a different circuit for for each because you were going to plug in two 1500 watt ceramic heaters and that being on one circuit i thought for sure that that would that was probably the problem wasn't the problem one of them on on

on the circuit was enough to blow it and that's what was happening yeah well whatever it was eventually after the second thing blew and you go i don't know i called the electrician i'll be there tomorrow and then we stop uh tarc just came in hey you're gonna have to work off. We told you, hurry up. There's some chips and guac there. And then in about 45 minutes, I'll make you dinner. Thank you so much. So then everything's unplugged. And then a third breaker goes out on the old side of the house.

So I went to the new side of the house. I just fucked this. I'm just going to sit in a room that has electricity, listen to my book on tape, and stare at the security cameras, which I love to do. I think if I started like dealing massive amounts of coke, like that would be the reason I would do it.

That would be why I want to be like Scarface. Not for the power or the money is just for a reason to sit there and stare at your security cameras. Knowing you have a reason to be paranoid. Like I have no reason to be paranoid. It's a job now. I'm doing this for our security. Baby, is that car?

Perspicacious. Person walking a job now. I'm doing this for our security. Baby, is that car... PUSPICIOUS! Person walking a dog alone. PUSPICIOUS! Person walking the dog with a leash. So I'm already just tired of anything that I don't know how to deal with aside from calling someone to fix it. And which is, this is not a town where you can just throw money at a problem because nobody really wants to work and your money is not an influence. So I'm sitting in the bed,

watching security cameras, listening to this history, 25 hour history of the CAA talents agency, Michael Ovitz, power broker. It was pretty good. It's the one I keep referencing that you guys didn't want to listen to in the car.

And then the fucking security camera I'm staring at goes out. Just the one I'm looking at at the time. I'm like, are you fucking with me? Ashton Kutcher is this a reboot of punked and so uh so and then i look out the sliding glass window back there and i see plumes of smoke where it doesn't smell like anything inside the house and I walk out on that back deck there and I went oh the opposite side that's at you're actually when you go out on the deck there you're on the opposite side of where everything was taking place yeah

but it was and it was just uh it wasn't plumes of smoke. It was wisps. Like, I thought you had the fire pit going on. We just get the fire pit. And I looked at that. That wasn't burning. I called Chaley. Are you cooking something down there? Is backdoor Mike cooking something down there at the back door? Because I could definitely smell it outside.

I don't smell it inside. And then I went out to the front and I went, holy shit, that's where it was all blowing. And I look up. I thought it was Floyd's house next door on fire. And then when I get outside and it's coming to me, it's whatever we have on the top of the roof, that turbine thing. Turbine vent.

Yeah, that lets heat out. I don't know what the fuck it does. But I know there's fucking brownish orange smoke pouring out of the fucking thing. So I start yelling. Because you don't need a phone where we live. Fire! Chaley! We're on fire!

Fire! After I told him. Because when I called you initially, you said, no, I'm not cooking anything. Do you want me to come up? I go, no, no. And then I could hear your screen door slam, meaning you're coming up anyway. That's when I went out. Chaley, we're on fire! You said the same thing to me, and I'm only four blocks away fire bingo bingo that

microphone's on in front of you oh i'm sorry you could no i mean yeah lean into it a little bit hello okay you can pull it towards you i thought you were saying she's too loud no pull it towards me okay yeah oh that's what they all say in the time that you said uh uh are you cooking something i'm like no and i go do you want me to come up there and you're like nah no don't i go i'm coming up you go no don't worry about i'll call the electrician we'll let him come out tomorrow i go all right and i hang up the phone i go i'm going up there in the time that it took me to just open the door i hear fire fire fire so it's pretty quick between you saying forget about it we're okay too yeah yeah well i'd already i called initially i called the electrician after the

thing burned out then when you fix the first breaker whatever circuit fuse i don't know then i call him back you go don't worry chaley fixed it and then the second one went out and then i went ah you know he doesn't know if we let's just have you come over and then fire so chaley races in the this attic in the house it's just a one-story house and it has an attic but not like you would go into like i only ever looked in there when i after i bought the house i went oh let's look up here like you think there's hidden treasure and uh you go oh no it's just uh spiders and insulation yeah there's no like place to walk or you'd go up there too like when i run the camera cables over

or i or they would go up to put in vents for when we put the HVAC and stuff like that. It's not a place where you would store it. Go up to get the old photo albums. We're having some friends come over. It's not one of those. Anne Frank wouldn't have survived in there.

Even if she hadn't been noticed by the Nazis. That part of the house, the original part of the house, was built in like 1910 or something, 1915? Yeah, 15. And the electricity was added much later because your outside walls are adobe. I mean, this has been kind of patched in over the years, way before you owned the house.

I mean, that's when all that was built. Yeah, so all that's up there is insulation, beams, and wires. Well, and scary spiders and scorpions. I assume the spiders and scorpions. A lot of spider webs, that's for sure. And poltergeists. So Chaley races. I called 911, and I'm giving them all the information.

And then Chaley's already inside, and I hang up with 911. And we have a metal roof. Yeah. And so all you can see of fire is the smoke blowing out of that turbine at the top. So I just had no idea what to do i was calm and i turned on the hose it's one of those hoses you buy online for as seen on tv that scrunchie hose that like uh like like compacts into nothing and then becomes 50 feet long once it goes under pressure yeah yeah yeah Yeah. Yeah, so I turned that on,

and I just started spraying it towards the metal turbine where the smoke's coming out. A trickle that would come out of the back of an outboard motor, that P-stream. It was nothing. It was nothing. To a completely intact roof. Yeah.

It was nothing. There was no fire outside the roof. It was like trying to put out a bocce by spraying the metal underneath the charcoal. The base? Yeah. I didn't have any idea. So I just started. And then you're like, fire extinguishers.

And I go, I know I've seen them. There's one in the funhouse. So you, Chaley, goes full fucking backdraft goes the i call it a crawl space but this whatever to get up into that attic part that i'd only looked at is like maybe a three by three square that you push up. It's not even that. Yeah. It's, it's just an access through a drop ceiling. Cause it's actually down. And then like the, that's lower than the actual,

so it's really a pain in the ass to get up there because you can't, when you poke your head through, then you have to go up another foot to grab something. So that space below it, you, you would just fall through. So you have to be really careful, but I've been up there enough that I know to get up there.

And I knew something was wrong immediately. Well, because the flames? You look up and you don't see the roof. You just see smoke. And it was like the thick, acrid like. Acrid. Acrid. Acrid.

Acrid. It was like a tan, like you said, like an orange brown. Yeah. And it was just the insulation and mud when you smell a wet fart drifting like thick like leave the room and that's what you would imagine

that fart looked like that's what this smoke looked like a cartoon representation of a fart heavy orange brown a ha cartoon representation of a fart. Heavy orange brown. A haze of anal. Yes. So by then, you're there, Tracy's there, Raider's there,

finding all the fire extinguishers. Jaylee's putting them out. I'm not knowing, like, should I shut the door? Like, backdraft? I'm thinking, like, you keep going up into this one open hole where there's fire up above. And I'm like, I don't know, like, backdraft, like, physics. So I'm shutting the door, and then I'm opening the door, and then I'm shutting

the door and then I'm opening the door. Fanning the door back and forth in indecision is probably not going to help one way or the other. Yeah. You wonder if what, what you're doing is making it worse. And after the, after I was your head up in there where you're going to be the guy that cuts down like no hair,

no eyebrows. You didn't open the door. Did you? No, I opened it and shut it. And opened it and shut it. Oh, Lord. And so the fire department shows up. Now we're not allowed in.

And you can't see anything other than the smoke. So they're in there. And then they're running hoses in and the cops are there and then we're making small talk. Well, the first thing is, is that attic space access that I had, there was a ladder there and it's like, oh yeah, that's the space. On your tippy toes. There's no way they can get up there.

So they're like, well, we're not fighting it from this attic space. Yeah, because of the amount of equipment i'm up there with my t-shirt over my nose for my for my uh my breathing apparatus they have a full mask and they've got the oxygen tank and everything so they have to be able to get up and in to look at that and it was contained in that one that one corner the east corner of the house so it was like that was a likely place, but they couldn't even get their shoulders up through that thing. I have no idea what the east corner of the house is. Where the panels are.

Yeah, but I'm saying I have no idea. East, west, north, south. The east funhouse. Don't, Tracy. It's not going to trace anyway yeah i should know by the sun i do know that so i'm just doing uh i'm just hosting at this point now that all the fire department and they were so fucking cool and the cops are cool oh Oh, and can I get your name? And I went, Doug. And he goes, Stan Hope. Like, I was like, I'm stupid to ask.

What's your name? I know your name. And they were fucking great. And then I'm hearing them tearing shit out. Because it was weird. I had thought that morning, if this place caught on fire, what would I take with me? Because I just, when you're like playing with fucking space heaters, it's not the space heater. First of all, there has been so much redone on parts of this house over 17 years.

That you've owned it and then plenty before you owned it. But no, I thought that everything was the new shit. Like the plumbing froze in 2008. Like half the town. Yeah. Well, this is all old pipe. We're going to install new pipe. We're going to install new wires because this is all shitty.

I assumed every part of this house had old pipe. We're going to install new pipe. We're going to install new wires. Cause this is all shitty. I assumed every part of this house had new wiring, but I'm still, when you're plugging in fucking space heaters and they're blowing out, you think about fire. And I did have a, which is not, I wouldn't even, these are thoughts I have every fucking day in any given hour.

I have a thousand thoughts of, if I was trapped in a car wreck and needed the jaws of life and the car caught on fire, would I kill myself? But to have it happen hours later. Like disaster fantasies. All the time. Like what would happen. Coursing through my head. And I didn't have an answer.

So I moved on to another thought about another disaster or something awful in life. Ooh, a butterfly. Yeah. Jumpy. She wears jumpy. So when I ran back in waiting for 911, actually, when they get there, I go, hang on, I got to get my cigarettes.

I got my phone and my cigarettes, which really is all I needed for that night. And then I was just trying to make funny with the guys, but not knowing what's going on inside because I can't go in. And then at one point, I thought they were tearing out, cause I could vaguely see them through one window and it seemed like they were tearing out walls. It turns out that way they were tearing out the ceiling because we have a metal roof. They had to get to the one hot spot by tearing out the ceiling on the inside because nothing had breached the exterior,

which was good. Yeah. But I don't know anything. And nor does the guys I'm talking to are just out there. It's funny because it was Monday Night Football. So people are showing up for Monday Night Football. And at one point, I see like five or six people I know all sequestered. And he's like, yeah, when fires happen like this, a lot of looky-loos.

They'll just gather all around. So I'm keeping everyone. They taped off the entire block. I'm keeping them. And then I see Fred on the other side of the tape going, so no football today? Listen, most of these are looky-loos. these we think we're not sure yet maybe maybe second half uh and it was fucking brutal to not know what's going on and the fact that they're running hoses and that's i think it was tracy someone came up and said hey what about your suits and i went oh fuck i never thought in a fire

that's what i would grab that's the only thing that's irreplaceable it's closet full of suits and we talked to the fire chief the main guy i'm gonna call him the main guy because he's the only one there that had fire gear on but it was just like a t-shirt. He wasn't wearing a coat or a helmet. He had merch. He was wearing merch, but not the equipment. He looked like the guy that was in charge because he was not going in. He was not climbing a ladder. Oh, okay.

You kept calling him the fire chief, so I assume he's the fire chief. That's why I assume he was is because he had an air of importance and just the way he was casually dressed. You don't want to call him a hostess and be wrong. Hi, is your manager here? He, he said,

there may be some water coming down in the, what, what we call the pink bedroom. Yeah. I'm like, Oh, is there any way we can go in and just grab like a couple armfuls of those suits? And I realized how ridiculous it sounded to ask this man who's seen all these disasters

if we could grab some thrift store coats while the house is on fire. But I stayed with my serious, it would be really great if we could get in there. And then he immediately went into, there's no way he's letting us go in the building and then he's like uh maybe we could grab him or and i know he he knows that's a ridiculous request i just made but he was very accommodating and didn't laugh in my face and said let's see what we can do about that but didn't he say you mean like grab him like this and run? Just grab an armful of him. Yeah. And run. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. He goes, do you get a tarp? Yeah. And Chaley knew where there was a tarp. And sure enough, he went in there and tarped him all over. It never ended up leaking in there at all. But it was tarped real nice. I don't know if Doug ever done.

Oh, I don't want to step on you if you were going to say this already i don't remember if you i don't know if you remember saying at the very least just get the one that's on the bed yeah the one i had picked out for vegas that i swapped with a guy which was under duress if you remember that guy showed up in this I'll give you a fucking game more than what I'm wearing I had that laying on the bed he even got that tarped over

all your suits had a tarp where the hangers hang enough that would knock any water down so that was really good but the one laying down on the bed he had tarped and garbage bagged and i guess he could have just hung it up but and then tarped over it might have been a few on the bed i don't know i was had the uh so then uh we just waited.

They were here four hours. Yeah. It was well into night. What happened was that the insulation, it was smoldering, and they had a camera, a thermal imaging tick, thermal imaging camera, that they were just trying to find a hot spot. And that's why they kept tearing out parts of the ceiling. It's because they're trying to locate the one spot that was still showing up. And then they can't leave.

I guess we haven't said the point that, yeah, it was just old shitty wiring in the fucking attic. We think. Well, we don't know. What else? Well, that's lightning bugs. Insurance is going to figure that out. Oh, yeah.

Insurance, by the way, that was last Monday. Tomorrow, Monday. I don't know what. A lot of people have reached out to me. A lot of people, oh, you should get a public adjuster. You should do this, that. We got fucked on our house, getting burned down. Well, this shouldn't really be a thing.

We didn't lose any personal items of value except for my gonzo beach blanket i'll deal with fucking dooders on that i got a picture i'm gonna fucking reach out but yeah we we lost nothing to speak of you know of personal value so i guess i guess you've just answered the dilemma that you came up with earlier. If there's a fire, grab your cigarettes, your phone, and your towel. Your towel from Johnny Depp Island. Those are the three things you really need. So I felt very awkward because I was dressed as a strong dude.

Oh, that's right. I asked two firefighters, is there anything I can do to help? Sir, step back. Because I was, nobody, Kenny didn't even recognize me. Kenny and Derek didn't recognize me. I don't know if we've tweeted any pictures of this. I don't know. I'll take a look.

I was in dude uniform. I got a piss. We haven't talked about that though, so we can come back and talk about it. Let's get out of here. Alright. Please hold. Better Help. This show is sponsored by Better Help.

Hey, sometimes you need someone to talk to. Sometimes when you're making light of your house catching on fire and you go, oh, this actually does fuck me up mentally, but I don't show my weaknesses. Well, I would show them to someone anonymous that's not going to judge me at BetterHelp. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with a user manual, nor does the fire extinguisher. So when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. Navigating any of life's challenges can make you feel unsure, whether it's a career change, a new relationship, better wiring, becoming a parent.

Therapists are trained to help you figure out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour of the complex engine called you. That was right off the top of my head. I didn't read that. The complex engine called you. I'm sure it works in some focus group. As the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist at any time. Hit the bricks, Uggamug. That's what you say to the therapist you don't like. Couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist.

And you can smoke. Learn more and save 10% off on your first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. All right, so they rip out the ceiling. put it out they get it done after hours i remember there was one firefighter guy is chase uh is the guy that emailed me and he said uh hey uh oh yeah no it's sweet because basically hey i, I was the first responder at your fire, and it was the first fire I've ever been called out on. So you busted my cherry.

I'd love an autograph. Fuck yeah. That was so sweet. Because they were doing the turkey drive anyway, the Thanksgiving, you know, help needy people, which I hadn't donated to, and I usually do. And I'm like, at some point when I was goofing off, I go, I guess this is one way for you to remind me that I haven't paid for my fucking poor people fucking turkey food thing.

So we took a check down. Yes, we took a check the next day. And then I get an email. I'm like, absolutely. I will. So we have swag to give them. There was one guy that was very funny. I was doing that.

Hey, is this a weird time to put in a for sale sign out front? The big guy looked like a GI Joe on fucking human growth hormones. It's kind of a ginger, but very funny. He came back, hey, I think I found a sign. He just kept, he was the guy I was talking to at one point, hours into the fucking fire. And I went, oh shit, my baby. Oh, shit, my baby.

Did anybody? No, all of them were killing it. That would be, that's a fucking note I should write down. Fucking cancel culture for first responders. for first responders like cops emts firemen are renowned for saying the most horrible things at a crime scene where a guy just fucking caught a cinder block falling off a fucking overpass in the head and he doesn't have a head and yeah that's where you're going to hear all the fucking worst jokes. Yeah, want to cancel culture first responders? God damn it. You know what? Officer Bob Friendly said he could get us one of the firefighters on the podcast,

but I don't want to put him on the spot. Be better to get someone from another county. Yeah, no, I would love to get a litany of stories of jokes from first responders shit you said when you found that old lady eaten by cats six weeks after she died in her apartment yeah thermostat turned all the way up i think now now now we might be stepping on Christine Levine's podcast. If she ever gets it going. It's a good segue to... Oh, wait, it's not out?

Oh, alright. Removing women from bathtubs is definitely something I've heard from some firefighter friends that I know. Large women from bathtubs. Wow, me? Oh, they're still alive. They just need help. They're still alive. Me? When did that happen?

I'm sleeping. It goes on into the night, into darkness, but there's no electric throughout the guest house, the fun house, the main house. Well, APS came out, and because there was evidence of it, maybe an electrical fire, that he just pulled a meter. So we can't turn even though we've had an electrician out to pull that panel offline we can't do anything until we go

through the regular the regular process of getting it back on through the city and so the one dining room where they did tear out the ceiling and all the fucking probably asbestos, I'm guessing. Who knows? And it's ugly, it smells bad, and there's no heat or electricity. It's unlivable. Well, the gas is on. I know, but we have electric starters on the gas stove. That's true. At one point, I stayed there that night. So did I.

It stung my mouth. Yeah, and she, bingo, I stayed there that night. So did I. It snuck me out. Yeah. And she, bingo, we go, fuck it. Well, we didn't really have an option. We could have stayed here at the quiet house, but the quiet house. It wasn't so quiet. A bit hoardery. It had a lot of stuff.

I had a bit of the push me pull yous push well the next day after we we stayed at van dyke because that that bedroom was completely untouched except for smell of union new jersey just electricity burning insulation that that kind of electric fire smell. But we stayed there out of spite and cocktails. It was not a good idea. And woke up and we fled over here the next day waiting to talk to insurance. And Bingo was vomiting, like just retching, screaming. That's an under-exaggeration of how loud she vomits.

Anyway, we probably shouldn't have stayed in that atmosphere. Wait, hold on now. Where was Bingo? Well, after the fireman left, Bingo left for a while. No, I went to my party. I peed my pants in public. Yeah, that probably had a lot to do with it. Maybe that has something to do with the throwing up the next day,

that you were so drunk in public that you pissed yourself. No, because you saw it a couple times, but this was an old thing. It was way later in the day. I considered that, but this wasn't like waking up. It could have been in the morning, but this was horrible. Yeah, this was way later in the day. I considered that, but this wasn't like waking up. It could have been in the morning, but this was horrible. Yeah, this was way later in the afternoon. Either way. Yeah, because when you're hungover,

it doesn't really stick with you until the afternoon, right? Tark! I'm pointing to Tark. Let's not start too many stories. Let him sleep. So now, okay, it's not livable. And then they get us hooked up with a hotel. Oh, the insurance.

That was the first thing. Oh, well, you need a place to stay. We'll put you up at the Grand. Well, we need a place to stay. We'll put you up at the Grand. Well, we chose the Grand. She goes, well, for the first three nights. I go, three nights? This is not going to get fixed. Well, we do it in three-night increments.

Okay. Well, all right. In that case, yeah, the Grand, which is great because it's downtown, which we never go downtown because we drink and we don't want to drive and there's no cabs or Ubers, and we have our own bar. Had our own bar. Still there. Just no power.

Not so much fun to watch football without TV or lights. Or heat. Yeah, and this is our – Or ice. You need ice for drinks. Yeah. Yeah, there's stuff like that. Heat. Yeah, and this is our... Or ice. You need ice for drinks. Yeah. Yeah, there's stuff like that. Everything.

Or melted butter. Fortunately, it was cold, so we did in the morning get all of our shit out of all the refrigerators that was perishable, got it in here, jammed it in this fridge. It fit barely, but it fit. We did it. And so, okay, and then we'll fix hotels as we go. But the fucking outpouring of support did not in any way feng shui. There's no visible damage.

I went in to grab a thing, and there was people that I know driving by. As I just walk in, oh, it's Kelly Gallagher and Ed. Hey, we're just taking a look. We heard your house burned down. It didn't burn down. Like with the metal roof, you can't see any damage. It's all internal. It's all internal.

And on the backside of the house. So you can't even see that turbine got ripped off and they left the old one. It's melted up there. But you can't see that from the road. You can see that from your backyard, but you can't see that from the road. You can see that from your backyard, but you can't see it from the road. Yeah, there's nothing. There's, it looks like nothing happened.

Yeah, it's just unlivable. People today are like, are we still going to have football in the funhouse though, right? No, there's no power anywhere there. It's just a freezing, cold, dark, dank fucking mess. except it looks perfectly fine from the outside i go to safeway and people are coming up to me that i don't know that i

haven't seen in years the lady from the old bank before we realized what pieces of shit that fucking washington federal as an institution are, even though the people that work here, fuck that bank. Anyway. Yeah. She's like, oh, hey, Doug. I haven't seen her in years. No, I just hate the bank.

The ladies are fucking fantastic. Message received. We got it. Yeah. No, she was confused. No, I wasn't confused. I was rolling my eyes. Those people are nice there.

You're right. I am not confused at all. She's like, how bad was the damage? Like, over and over again. Like, just one trip to Safeway. Ricky, the manager. Hey, Doug, are you okay? Like, yeah.

I'm not even thinking about the fire. Is there anything you need? Like, I'm looking for a product you know how they did you find everything you needed he's like is there anything you need and i'm like no i'm just looking at discount meats and he's like i know what happened to your house like oh fuck it's not that bad and it it's like the movie Better Off Dead. I heard you're no longer seeing so-and-so. Do you mind if I start dating?

Yeah, everyone, everywhere I went. You said it was like when I went into the coma. I have not received. It's like everyone. I'm not on facebook uh for my birthdays anymore but the glut it was like when bingo was in a coma fucking everyone my phone i i can count the people who didn't say hey do you need anything uh where you go fuck i i want to i want to burn this place even more so it looks like like i've to deserve all of yeah to deserve i can get some uh fucking pat oswald not just once but like but seriously hey few if you need help promoting anything in the future,

it's really just a hole in the ceiling, except for the fact that it's a burnt hole in the ceiling, leaking fucking asbestos probably, and we're going to have to rewire the whole house. But I have another house to stay in. I have hotels they're putting me up in. I am in no way put out by this. It was very sweet. I have hotels they're putting me up in. I am in no way put out by this.

It was very sweet. I know. It's fucking too sweet. No, that's wrong. Tracy and I can go over to Ace and get a gallon of flat black latex paint and simulate smoke damage coming out of the windows. And then you just wash it right off.

If it looks better, optics wise. Do it. It does suck. We moved from the Grand to a hotel in Tucson for the interim until they go incrementally. And we stayed up there because we had

some shit we needed to do up there. And yeah, it does suck to up there and uh and yeah it does suck to come home and go yeah you can't go to van dyke it gets fucking and i do have to run in to grab some shit and it's so bad you ran in to get your cigarette no no but i'm saying since the fire's been over like it took three days for it to stop dripping yeah there are floorboards that are fucked up but that didn't have an intimate intimate relationship with the ceiling or the warped fucking kitchen tiles it's not yeah it could have been so much if that shit happened at night, I would guarantee that house is fucking burned to the ground. And I bet if it was even odds, one of us is dead.

I would have been dead at night because I was dressed up as a man. That doesn't work, though, because you guys have a pack. You both have to go. So one of you has to run to the embers. No, we both would have thumb wrestled embers. Thumb wrestled. Who's carrying out whom? We would have thumb wrestled and been. We would have both been. Yeah, no, it's so goddamn comfortable in the bed.

That's why we slept so good, even though it was in the dark. It smelled so bad. But we have eight comforters. I pinched his back all night. I was like. I did. And yeah, she didn't for once bitch about me smoking in the house. I do over here.

I do over here. Oh, my God. All right. Oh, yeah. Please hold. Yeah, so now we're just waiting. Again, tomorrow, I'm not going to start shitting on the insurance company, who, for now, will remain unnamed. If you want a hint, they have really annoying commercials during football.

Oh, you've narrowed it down. Exactly. That's every fucking one. You know what? It's not prudential. I saw a prudential commercial yesterday that was just like a simple commercial, not gimmicky or stupid. Hey, prudential insurance, we do insurance.

We're still here. Yeah. No, it's not i wish that if this company fucks me over well then i'm gonna have some words uh i'm assuming some something is everything with insurance is fucked up. We did have a roof replaced, which went- Different property. Yeah, different property. Giant hailstorm tore apart a roof. And yeah, no problem.

And then later on, when we switched insurance companies, they wouldn't insure that property because I'd had a roof put on it. What is the- I don't fucking get this. They use a third party to make that assessment so that they can say, well, our third party has deemed this is not worth the risk. And it's like they can push it off on someone else who they hired to do that. Well, I'm amazed at how many public adjusters I think they're called or people that are in the business have reached out to me through email, social media, et cetera, going, hey, I do this for a living. You don't want it. And then another one saying, listen, all that does is fucking hold shit up.

And I basically, like defense attorneys talking to fucking district attorneys, going, fuck you. You're the problem. No, you're the problem. I don't. I think it's going to be fine. So far, everything's fine with insurance. I mean, it's shocking. Except for the fact that it's taken a week.

Over Thanksgiving weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But isn't that what they tout themselves? Oh, we were the first on the scene at Katrina. With blankets and bottled water. Fuck you. So tomorrow we find out what is the next thing to find out. I talked to my insurance company.

Local has an office. So I go, I'm going the next morning at 9.01 a.m. I'm going to be the first person there. And the lovely gal says, yeah. Oh, you had a fire. Okay. What I'm going to do, get your name. Oh, you had a fire.

Okay. What I'm going to do, get your name. I'm going to put you on the phone with the claims adjuster or whatever I'm calling to make the claim. You mean there's no one in this office that that's why I got you. If I wanted to call 800 numbers, I could have called from home. And then they go, and this person is your agent and i said you're my agent she's like no no she's the girl that answers the phone and smiles and then they the person i'm supposed to talk to hasn't called me after a day or two and i like i haven't gotten a call oh it's okay uh the agent that's never there in the office he approved you getting a check like I don't need a check

not broke well to get you through the holidays because I know it's a tough time no I want a fucking house when is a guy should be here looking at my house like Hurricane Katrina. Don't you know who I am? I've been seen over 500 times on YouTube. On YouTube. I have 218 Mastodon followers. Did you tell her that? No. No, I don't waste these jokes in town. That's incredible.

So, yeah. So now it's just this podcast had to go out because i'm tired of telling the story about the house that burned but didn't burn down that's the thing you want to as a comic you go yeah well my fucking house burned down it didn't even burn it burned up yeah literally burned up yeah fire alarms didn't go off until after the firemen left. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. You're so fucking right. God damn.

Yeah, it wasn't until they tore the ceiling out. Because there's no smoke. When they tore down the ceiling to get access to try and get the hot spots, they had a tarp down, and they threw all the debris on the tarp, and some of that debris was smoldering and that's when the alarms started going off because all of the smoke you talked about earlier like if this happened at night that's what the electrician said he goes man lucky this didn't happen in if it didn't smolder until like midnight because it would have been

completely engulfed before anyone woke up because none of the inside smoke detectors went off. And fortuitously, we did have the plumber scheduled for the next morning to replace a toilet in the guest house and fix a leak in the shower. And that's yet again another time we find out how badly our contractor from that edition fucked us i i just like i can't wait to see his fucking wiggly fucking shards and fucking heroin teeth again when he tries to smile at me at safeway and you're like well if they had to tear a bunch of shit out after the fire, well, it's good timing because a lot of shit's getting torn out.

And that hole doesn't look so bad that they put in the wall when you look at the ceiling that the fire went through. Yeah. Where's the access panel for this shot? Oh, he didn't put one in? You have to tear through the wall

to fix it. He took one out. There was one there and he took it out and **** his name. Don't do that. Yeah, no, I **** want to do that. It'll stop me from **** trying to throw a punch at him in the grocery **** section. Hi, Bingo. Hi. Sorry.

Yeah, so eventually we'll get that shit fixed and be back in. But I thank you, everyone, who has offered me anything at all. I know there's nothing I could do, but if there's anything I could do, well, just you caring. Someday I'm going to actually need you, and you're going to go, well, I reached out after your stupid fire that was really nothing.

Yeah, it was very humbling. It almost made me say I feel blessed once. I'm not saying that. Shit. Yeah, I don't have any other. Why was Bingo dressed like a man?

Whoa. I don't know. I think that is really. It's dead. It's killed. That's all right. I just wanted to give you the opportunity if you. I don't want to know the backstory to it.

What I do know is she was doing this for Steve Drew's birthday, who runs the Grand. And she dressed up like a fucking dude. And I don't get the whole take of the joke. But when she came in dressed up like a dude i'm like wow you are completely unrecognizable i am dutiful she was delicious she parked down at our house and was was coming up through the side yard and i was in the shop and i could see someone parking i'm like who the fuck is this but i had a guitar and i thought you'd know i was me but dude coming up through my yard yeah i don't even care.

I just went into the house and just let him go. Maybe they've got someone going over there or something. I did it. I did it. Must be meeting bingo. Must be, yeah. I love it. Oh, my God.

All right. Well, the good thing is I had so many projects that I hadn't started. Now I have an excuse. There was so many things I was going to do with this two months off and now I'm just going to I'm plugging the Las Vegas night

not only because it's going to be fun and I actually enjoy the Plaza Hotel, but it's my only date till Australia and that tour is not even fully booked yet. So I just keep hammering the Las Vegas date. So please, if you're out there on social media, just hammer the Las Vegas New Year's Eve date at the Plaza Hotel,

because usually I'd change it up. Hey, we just added fucking Union, New Jersey. change it up. Hey, we just added fucking Union, New Jersey. No, we're not adding anything until Hennigan fills in the February Australia dates and then Canada in April or whatever.

I don't know. But in the meantime, I only have this one goddamn date. Well, the Seattle dates are up. They added the Neptune Theater. There's a second night. Oh, there's two nights. Okay. But stand up. Are we not having a little bit of fun being shacked up here in the house? No, there's fucking.

It's kind of fun. We're playing house. And the fucking electricity you feel just having your house on fire. I mean, I understand why firefighters and you know cops and i've done bits about it yeah you're you're into this no one ever wrestled an alligator without an audience you're fucking you love that fucking rush i'm like oh shit and now i can't go home and now i really have to think about every day, where is my shit? What do I need?

Life is not so boring that it's like, why be alive? Why? I know my refrigerator has something that I want to eat. I don't have to go to the store. And if I want to go to the store, it's because I want to go to the store. I don't have any needs or problems. want to go to the store i don't have any needs or problems oh thank god a problem that i didn't just set up for myself like a trap yeah it's the fucking whole snowstorm effect like when you all get snowed into a place and we're not going to be able to get out of here we're going to spend the night in this bar because we're all snowed in

and you're like, this is fucking great because it's out of my control. That makes sense to someone listening. Yeah. Alright, let's Okay. Are you ready Shirley? Okay. Bye-bye now! សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពី�នបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.