The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#513: "Counting Down The Days"

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

Doug is back from vacation and has a problem with resort fees. Bingo gets a used cat. Recorded Jan 20th, 2023 at the Tucson Hotel in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Stanhope Store FIRE SALE - Stanhope merch - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Can I bring the mics down? Do you have a list or anything or are we just free-balling it? Yeah, we're free-balling it. I started making them. Tracy, are you going to sit at the mic or are you going to sit over there? I can have my own. Yeah, Scooter Terra Blues Brothers style. I'd bring the coffee table to sit on. I should have bought something at Copenhagen. I did find a bar stool, but it was black since we have four white bar stools. You can get on that mic a little bit.

Yeah, no, I was waiting. Are you doing a lead-in? Let me do it. No, don't even. You know what? I don't want intros anymore. Done? Yeah, forever.

Okay. Text me right now that I said that. But, yeah, for right now, I don't. You were saying the other day you wanted a conversation. The bar stool. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, no, I was trying to remember where I was. I didn't know we were being recorded secretly like fucking Linda Tripp over here.

Monica Lewinsky. Do you think this was the conversation, the setup in their conversation? A Rode podcaster board and three microphones and a laptop and go, this is just a conversation between us girls. Don't mind all this electronic stuff. It's my brother's stuff. I don't even know how it works. The red lights on.

You're Connie Chunging me. This is just between you and I and the network cameras. Still, again, the fucking bar stools i went to uh copenhagen which is a a guilty pleasure that i usually i don't have space for it anyway but i bought some stuff from copenhagen furniture because i like that kind of furniture and uh expensive yeah yeah but cool everything in fucking s Vista is brown. Yeah. Try to buy anything in Sierra Vista that's not brown, black, beige, brownish, botanical.

Particle board. Yeah. Yeah. Brown. I hear you. So Copenhagen has cool colored shit and it's fucking so ridiculously overpriced. Fucking so ridiculously overpriced. But I thought, okay, they have this giant clearance sale that I get a thing for,

and I'm stuck in fucking Tucson. I should be counting down the days, but I don't know if I should count down the days from November 21st. Today is two months since the fire. Oh, wow. Happy anniversary. Got you on my mind. Or the hundred days that I've checked into this specific hotel at the Tucson airport, which we ironically went from, as we've already said on the last podcast, a double tree. I left a double tree where I live to go on vacation with you in Hawaii.

I guess we could just go there next. Back to the double tree before I go on the road to probably double trees. In fact, I'm going to ask Hen try to insist exclusively. Yes. Just so I can live vacation and work all in fucking double tree. And hopefully they're all as dilapidated as this one in the one in Hawaii that we just came back from vacation from. And I don't even know if I should tell the story before I post the pictures. I started a TripAdvisor last night, a review of Hilo DoubleTree Naniloa. Naniloa. The best staff ever. Grand Naniloa. Scott, the bartender, not scott the manager who was very amicable until in the end where oh you fucked me over and now your other management is trying to fuck me over oh we're

gonna take this all off your bill oh well no he took one of those off your bill and then was conveniently gone the day you checked the resort fee that you you interpreted as being removed from all nights yeah well let's go back to the beginning helo was adorable i like the town i didn't do anything there but we did this as a last minute vacation we got lay down seats on the way there way back it was nice we get to spend inordinate amount of time in sky clubs and the double tree helo nanaloa bars the hula hula bar and that was just the lobby bar it was called something like the hula oh it really was it was something hula or hula oh yeah it's on the menu on the top bar. It was called something like the hula. It really was. It was something hula or hula something.

Oh, yeah. It's on the menu on the top. Well, the downstairs was hula hula. The other was the lobby bar. Well, that's what it would be called. But there's probably some local. No, it's called that on the fucking free drink tickets. Oh, my God.

Just when a hotel nickel and dimes you and you're paying a decent rate anyway, you don't, oh, here's our resort fee, $39 per day per room. So it's fucking $40 a day is what we spend on a night off when we're driving through Knoxville. That's the total price of the room. That includes drinks. Because we bring our own. So your resort fee, it includes snorkeling, nine rounds of golf twice a day.

Two rounds per room once a day. Yeah, okay. I'm fucking some stuff up because I am also Hilton Diamond Elite, so, or honors. I'm honored. Oh, my God. That's my favorite joke in my act, and I'm not spending it here. So I also got a $36 a day credit at the bar.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, you had bar credit as well. But $39 was a fee. The credit at the bar. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you had bar credit as well. But you had to – $39 was a fee. The credit was a credit. So the fee included activities. But your room didn't get the credit. So anyway, the resort fee includes, oh, two free drinks a day at the lobby bar, which is what it was called.

So that's how I know it's called the fucking lobby bar. Very inventive. And it was beer, wine, or whatever their own mixed drink was. Hold on. I could have gotten a wine each one of those times. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that either. I did not know that.

No. It was beer, wine, or their own whatever liquor they're trying to get rid of. Seabreeze Punch or something. I never would have had one of those. They made up a name and they call it this. They pour it from a jug into a serving pour and then add soda water. Yeah, they go down into the basement and see what's expired. And they mix three of them together and you get that or you get a beer or wine

oh and their beer was all local you know what fuck your local beer no a cone of brewing is uh it's a big deal man i know but i and i've gone over this in my past i grew up on fucking corporate beer, and that's the beer I like. So fuck your snobbery. And that might not be true. That might, you know, actually, that's not true. That was the fucking Hawaiian Airlines. Fuck you, Hawaiian Airlines. I'm confused. Remember when we flew Hawaiian Airlines for the jumper flight?

That's where they only had Heineken and two local IPAs, which I'd rather, I'd risk money. If one of the local IPAs had some kind of cyanide in it, I would risk the fucking 50-50 rather than drink a fucking Heineken. It's shit. Anyway, yeah, that's where we were presented with beer, wine, or they had their own special. You remember, you got the, Chaley took the bullet.

It's a long fucked up story about Hawaiian Airlines bumping us up to first class, but also putting us on an earlier flight without telling us we were on an earlier flight. So when we went to get on first class on the flight we booked, they go, no, you were booked two hours ago. It left 45 minutes ago, sir. Yeah, but we weren't on that flight. Yes, you were.

I go, here's my reservation on my phone. Before you got crazy. I mean, you didn't get crazy before because if you didn't have that i smiled like a motherfucker and it was it was really uh it was refreshing to see that she knew you were backing up your shit you weren't you weren't doing a no no look i know what i did and there's no way that i with like you know vodka on your breath yeah i know what i did and you just you pull it up and go there's my reservation so when i bumped up to first class for these four tickets today we walked away

thinking that was our reservation she left for like man like 35 minutes yeah came back and basically said yeah she said she she got you on an earlier flight and we're like we didn't ask for an earlier flight we didn't know there was she didn't ask for an earlier flight. We didn't know there was. She didn't do. Yeah, we would have taken it had it been offered. And then it turned into one of these, like, how did that? Isn't there supposed to be like, oh, and by the way, you'll see here, you've got 30 minutes to check in kind of thing. But it was none of that.

It was, okay, there you go. This, people, was one of those just fuck it vacations where we, alright, you know what? Let's spend the extra money to get the suite with the adjoining room and I look at the pictures. It's worth the extra money. Fuck it. We'll spend $50

a piece to upgrade to first class on a 53 minute flight. By the way, we were in the air 35 minutes. Yeah, they always put boarding to baggage claim unless they don't want to serve you a meal. We serve meals.

You have any idea how many times I've been on a flight, meals for flights three hours or longer and you look at your boarding pass and it's two hours and 59 minutes you motherfucker nickel and diamond cunts hawaiian air is where when you ordered the one that's not beer or shitty beer or wine it's it comes in one of those like cups it's like a jello cup yeah like you get in yeah you applesauce you peel the foil off the top i remember getting juices before juice boxes when you were a kid you'd get juice like that at Boy Scout camp. And that's how they serve their cocktails. The lobby bar free drinks. This is how, like, not only are they out of a jug, mostly sugar,

and part of the $39 a day resort fee, they give you this shit, and it's in, like, a six-ounce plastic cup. All their cups at the lobby bar are plastic. We're fucking no decent cocktail feels good. Oh, do you want salt on the rim of your margarita? It doesn't really stick because it's a plastic cup with a curdled lip. So,

so you, you get your free stupid drinks first. Cause you're not going to leave those on the fucking table. You got to beat the fucking resort fee. So you drink those and then you'd order a real cocktail for real money. And then it comes in a plastic cup that's twice the size. Well, then don't call this a free drink. That's a free half a drink.

If this is what you sell as a drink, that's not a fucking drink. They should be equal. Yes. That is a fucking dwarf drink or whatever the politically correct. We don't use that. It's a little person drink. So it was just a bunch of this little

petty shit. We get this suite with an adjoining king so we can all be together in the same room except for one we want to fucking not be and shut the door and sleep. Well, we're on the ground floor, so we walk into this adjoining thing. It's tiny as shit, and it's got a view of the parking lot. The valet. Yeah. Through the bushes.

Yeah. If you can see Yeah. Through the bushes. Yeah. If you can see the view through the bushes. But you're not even looking into the bushes and then pretend like there's wilders out there. You're looking at commerce. Like guys jangling keys. Yeah. You're looking at a tour group coming off a fucking cruise ship waiting to do a zipline tour in time to get back. That's your view.

That's not what it showed in the picture so i immediately went back out and i'm time and honors and come to australia i'll save this punchline till then but i gotta put it out but uh so they go oh we'll just put you in two uh double queens they'll be beside each other, but they're not adjoining. So, okay, now we have a pool view. Ocean view. And ocean. But, yeah, okay, ocean view pool sounds.

Oh, yeah. The sounds of, I counted, I think it was 14. You said 16. There were 16 kids down there. I counted, I think it was 14. You said 16. There were 16 kids down there. I counted them. You might have lost track because they were running around a lot. So I counted them on the phone with you. I had a business call with Hannigan with the door shut in my room,

six stories above the pool. And he goes, are you in a playground? What is this? I go, oh yeah that's what you get so here's how they fuck us we go to the golf course because it's part of the uh resort fee and uh we at first we thought we're just gonna to fuck up golf and slow it up for everyone. No one's on the golf course. This island is lush green, head to toe, except for the golf course at the Hilo Nanaloa fucking inn. You're good. You're good. Don't worry about it.

The fan's on high. If you want to crack that door, you can. And the back door is open. Do you think these fucking fire extinguishers work? Not fire extinguishers. Smoke alarms. Smoke detectors. Now I just jinxed it.

Please be advised. This room. The lights are flashing in our room. We think, hey, let's go fuck with golf. Well, I mean, there's a driving range and for the first two days i'm like hey why don't we go over there and hit a bucket and i'm like then i went after walking the first morning i'm like oh no it's it's dilapidated it's i i don't think it's closed there's no way and then the next day a little bit later in the afternoon

i saw people out there swinging clubs like oh'm like, let's head over there. Yeah, that's when we were coming back from downtown. We saw, that's not closed. There's people. So we went over there to, all right, I don't really want to golf anyway. I stink at it. But driving range, you're not holding people up. Yeah.

And we go over, and it is, as Scottott where is this card is was right here it sounds hawaiian but it ain't paoli paoli paoli paoli paoli paoli yeah uh he he when i confronted him with pictures i have a picture that i'm gonna put on fucking fucking TripAdvisor. I swear I'm going to do this. We walked in from walking to where you check in and get the bucket of balls and the clubs. And then you walk to the other end of the building there, where the driving range was, bottom floor only. There was an area that should have had yellow tape up. And that's where you found a men's and women's room. Yeah, a bathroom where you push this plywood hanging door in. And it says, please help keep our bathroom clean.

And I have a picture of that on one side of the photo. And the sink is on the floor. This has been since the 80s dilapidated. The fucking toilets falling off the fucking rafters. It's an abandoned property. And yet this is part of my $39 a day resort fee, along with two fucking high seas and malt liquor. And then,

and then the parts of the roof over the driving range are caved through. It's. And so I show, I go back cause I read some reviews and someone was complaining about some shit. And all I could get back was my resort fees that they took off. I go, okay, because I read some reviews and someone was complaining about some shit. And all I could get back was my resort fees that they took off. I go, okay, that's my bartering point.

I'll use that because I don't know how much leverage I have. But I sat down very nicely with the general manager. After I showed the front desk lady, I go, is this part of the golf course? She goes, can you email me those pictures it was it's like i had fucking corporate shirt that could yeah it is it's it's as bad as the fucking roof if you've seen the pictures of my house fire yeah they're just the ceiling part not as bad as it is as it is now, that's another story. But yeah, just hanging rotting wood. And I go, listen, I'm just going to be a consumer with you. Take off my resort fees, and I won't post these pictures, basically. I didn't say that, but that's what he was thinking I was saying,

and I was saying it by thinking it. And then when we go to check out, oh, yeah, he said he was taking these resort fees off. I had to give the paperwork to Chaley because it was fucking seven nights worth of a lot of time in bars. And so. Yeah, a lot of room charges. And then there is a tax.

An island has a tax, a bed tax. I mean, there's a lot of stuff. And I think it's confusing. It's like Trump's taxes. Yeah, it's confusing on purpose. Exactly. So I gave it to you. And then you realized, oh, resort fee, resort fee, resort.

So I took it back up to the lady, some lady that was doing a corporate audit that was not from the company. And you could always tell when you were dealing with her because she was a fucking awful, awful nickel and dimer. No, they only took off the resort fees for that day that we went golfing. So you fucking lied to me, Scott. that we went golfing. So you fucking lied to me, Scott. Now I'm just, I'm going to, I mean, we have, there were so many other just tiny, bullshitty things. Fucking charge me more and be honest.

Well, I mean, I went back there three or four more times to hit balls, and where you went was a condemned area. There was a bathroom. Yeah, he yeah he said oh that's condemned yeah and i went back to take more pictures that should that should be blocked off that shouldn't well it was blocked off the next day yeah they had caution well around the where it's falling out and they had boarded up the bathroom that was not a bathroom oh but yeah But yeah, you fucking. I mean, it's seen its heyday. I mean, it was a while ago.

But I mean, the facility for being what it is and where it's at, I mean, there's a lot of people who golf there. I mean, when you go walk by, it doesn't look like it's busy. But all morning long, people are coming in there. Let's plug Ken's House of Pancakes, pancakes where i found a shortcut because i'm not a big walker there's your resort fee my right there there's my my shortcut was got walking directly across the golf course to ken's rather two three and a long one. Point being, I took that shortcut a lot, and no one was ever golfing at us. No one said, get out of the way.

Yeah. No one yelled for nothing. It's a nine hole, and it takes about two hours. Nine hole on the brownest grass you can find on the lush island. Hilo is known as the wet side, and they don't get a lot of tourism because of that people don't land in helo and stay in helo they go to helo and then leave helo and go to kona you know sunnier and and drier we didn't get one drop of rain it was amazing where we were at the entire time we didn't leave we just stayed at and yeah the bartender sc Scott, was saying, this is so weird.

Because there's almost never a day without rain. It's been sunny every day. Usually it's sunny part of every day. But then deluges of rain. I've been to Hilo four different times. And this was the only time that it hadn't rained. And sometimes it rains three times a day. It just comes in and goes. And I think they were getting rain up in the mountains just past Hilo.

At the last couple of days, it looked like it was coming down. And I'm like, we're bound to get something. I wore long johns every night. As soon as the sun went down. Long johns and pajamas. It was getting down to like 65 for a low. We were sleeping with the door open because the pool was closed. The kids quieted down.

You could just hear the waves. Yeah, I kept the door closed because I was smoking on the lanai. Yeah, go ahead. Try to charge me for that, Scott. Anyway, Ken's. Ken's fucking steakhouse. Pancake. I mean, pancake house.

Good steak, though. Yeah, that's true. You guys hadcake. I mean, pancake house. A good steak, though. Yeah, that's true. You guys had steak and eggs a couple of times. I had a tourist book, like Discover Hawaii or something. We got it at Bookstore 20. And the review of Ken's is shockingly, shockingly short. It basically says, yeah, a lot of American favorites, and then the address. I'm like, what the fuck?

That place is an institution. It's not open 24 hours like it used to be, but it was when this review was written. Fuck, I don't even want to bring this up, but we had a few tacit, unspoken bad reviews from Uber

drivers. One was Ken's, hey, we love Ken's and then like no response like you said the wrong thing and then that was the other was a friend of ours who's a local resident that's famous like oh yeah i came here the first time to meet this nice lady cricket it might have been her reference the ken's reference like the fact that you referenced her rather than. No, but it's separate occasions of mentioning either where people go. That's when you were Ubering to Ken's a whole half mile away. Yeah.

A beautiful walk away. Well, it's a beautiful. Until you found the shortcut. When you found the shortcut. When I found the shortcut, I Ubered there and then realized how to get there. So then I could walk back and forth. But the first time, yeah, I know it's either right or left and then left or right. But if you pick the wrong coin flip, you're...

You find out quick. Yeah. Let's take a break. The room is fine. Did it smell like smoke when you checked in? No, it smelled like booze. Honestly. Really?

Oh, yeah. I opened the door and I'm like, Jesus, it smells like a distillery in here. What was that? It did. It just smelled like booze. Oh, you probably haven't been allowed to drink. We're not really still going? We're going to take a break.

I know, but I thought we were taking a fake break. All right. You got to pitch it to the break. Are we getting rid of that, too? Wait, so we have been recording? Yes. Yeah, okay. Well, we'll break and then not do a commercial.

I don't even, I'm not doing a commercial this week. I went, the only thing I couldn't find on my list today, living in a fucking hotel. I got drain stoppers today so I can do dishes in the sink. I'm completely building this like a fucking college fucking dorm apartment. Or a squatter. You know, it's fun when you guys are here here and it's fun when bingo's here but thank god i oh i did i say i i i went my first time to a dispensary today oh i didn't know that was the first time yeah i mean i've i've i've gone like

uh to sit in the waiting room while someone else is getting weed. But it was the first time I bought legal weed. And fortunately, the guy that – because I was scared. This is the first time I went to a whorehouse with Becker where we didn't know how it worked. And we weren't really going to buy. We were just spectating basically. So I'm like, I don't know how any of this works and the guy's like oh you're gonna give the bouncer checks your id and he goes douglas stanhope

why does that name sound familiar i go maybe because you're a fan of a premium stand-up comedy he goes oh my god and then he walked me i thought he's gonna walk me around the to the vip room but you know he walked me to the line he goes one of our bud tenders will uh help you out but then i heard him go back behind the counter and goes this is so you're gonna take care of him it's a black guy too when a fucking black guy recognizes you it's the best thing in the world i don't know why i don't know i wrote about it in the book there's something black people think i'm cool i think it was one of the earliest cool internet things to go to before social media where you had to go find weird websites yeah black people like me that was a thing like back in the hot or not days

i wonder if hot or not it. I wonder if hot or not is still a thing. Oh my God, I remember. So yeah, I got the edibles I like. I remember taking a picture. I don't know if it was you or Brian. The tin. Yeah, you took a picture. Yeah, you sent me a picture of those. They're called Caminos, and they were pineapple jalapenos,

so they were delicious so so while i'm in line in here and i feel like i'm going through customs so i'm like is it okay to be on your phone because i know i have a picture somewhere in my phone of this brand and the thing and And I'm scrolling through. I don't know what year of that fucking thing. You don't know how to tag photos? No, I don't know how to do that. But I found it just in time when I get called up and... Give me this.

I go, does this look familiar? And she goes, okay. And I was saying pineapple jalapeno as she walked away. And she goes, how many do you want? And I went, how many can I get? Like, I don't know the rules. It was so fun to be fucking actually innocent and not know something. But it was early in the morning.

I had just woken up. I felt fresh. I hadn't drank too much the night before, and I was motivated. And I go, four? And she said, yeah, sure, and charged me, and then I left. And then I fucking took one tonight, and I went, shit, this isn't pineapple jalapeno, but it's peach, which, you know, that's fine. But, yeah, I figured out.

It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to open the tin. And then I had to read the fine print on all the labels because they put a million labels on everything. And it was actually on the tin and not on the label. Press with both palms and turn. Because I'm trying to pry it apart and twist it off. Definitely child-friendly. Yeah. Yep.

Did they put it in a little zippy bag? Yeah. Everything goes. Yeah. I love that. You know what I found out was you need to, when you get in the car, don't put them on the seat next to you. You should put them in the back or somewhere more than an arm's reach away.

Because for some reason. That's what a bud tender told us. A bud tender. Because they'll see it and steal it. So it's not within reach. No, so it's not within reach of you being in the car. I don't know what it is. Oh, like don't have an open bottle of liquor.

Yeah. Or like there could be a straw in the passenger's daiquiri, but not in yours. Wyoming rules. Yeah. Or Louisiana, I think it was. Or it has to have a lid on it. Yeah, yeah. But no straw in the driver's.

That would be at the drive-up daiquiri bar. I remember the first time at Coots, somebody asked me, oh, do you guys have to-go cups? I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I had no idea it was a real thing. Florida and all those places.

Like, no. Yeah, Florida, they'll stop you leaving the bar. What do I do? And they're like, no, here, man, pour that into a plastic cup. It's so weird when you first experience or then experience other people having the experience of Vegas or New Orleans where I can drink outside. Why should that be a thing that is so amazing that you could just walk down the street and have a cocktail? That shouldn't be mind-blowing. That should be the fucking norm.

Where was that? We were in for Fourth of July when we went up through Idaho and then we went through. Lander, Wyoming. Lander, Wyoming. And they legalize booze on the streets 4th of July when we went up through Idaho and then we went through. Lander, Wyoming. Lander, Wyoming. And they legalized booze on the streets for 4th of July. So that's what we were doing. We were walking down the streets with our beers, being all happy. Not that we wouldn't have either way.

Yeah. Yeah, we weren't spending a lot of time on the streets. We were going to a bar. Yeah. on the streets. We were going to a bar. Yeah. But yeah,

just that fascination of something that should be completely normal. Oh my God. Yeah. You can drink right in the, that's why they drink fucking 18 hurricanes and vomit. Not because that's not the problem. The illegalization of it. People overcompensate for something that they are not supposed to do.

When you're a kid and you drove a car before you had a license and it was illegal, you're like, oh, I'm so happy to be stuck in traffic. This is crazy insane fun. Oh, yeah, once it's legal, not so much fun. Go get your cigarettes yourself. So we're going to Australia. Well, you guys are fucking leaving. Chaley leaves tomorrow. This is the 21st or so, 2021st of January.

You're leaving for three weeks. I'll be in Australia by the time you get back. By the time you get back, your wife is going to be in Austin. Do we talk about that or not? Let's just not. Well, no, it's the opening of a bar situation in Austin that Tracy's going to go help out. She's going out like fucking the dead guy from Roadhouse. She is a legendary bartender, Patrick Swayze.

He wasn't a Roadhouse bartender? No, but she's the bartender of Patrick Swayze from Roadhouse. I'm making an analogy that she is a legendary bartender the same way he was a legendary bouncer. Okay. That she will fly in for a couple months, fucking straighten shit out with the other most legendary bartender, and then she'll come back at some point, we think. Maybe, yeah. When she's around all that fucking human growth hormone and testosterone.

I'm going to get swole. Yeah, she's going gonna be fucking MMAing She's gonna be on this senior Mixed martial arts tour She's gonna be Cauliflower ears Her and Carrie Mitchell are gonna be fucking kickboxing During Kill Tony

That didn't hurt Do it again again again again You call that ground and pound? I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know if I could do a Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Not really. That's what that was.

It would be smarmy like that. Yeah. I don't know. I want to do Tony Hinchcliffe. Like, what's that guy from fucking Hollywood Squares? Paul. Paul Lynde. Paul Lynde.

You call that ground and pound? All right. I think that's great. That's perfect. I just keep hearing it in my head and seeing him. That face. Paul Lynn's face. But in a cowboy outfit.

Woody from Toy Story. He's a little less, Paul Lynn's a little less Charlie McCarthy. I'm pulling up your date so I can tell you when you're going to Australia. Yeah. Oh, I got to update the site. Las Vegas is still on here. February 18th, is it Brisbane? Brisbane.

Brisbane is your first date. There's actually a fucking secret date. And when I say a secret date date it's a secret to me because brian tells me oh but i set up a small club uh for the night before you start for you to work out it's only like a 60 or 70 seater awesome that's not great uh but i'm not i'm not going to it's almost sold out but i don't want to tell people that it's out till it's sold out i don't understand any do you have an assumed name so no one knows like they don't use doug stanhope they use stan doug hope stan doug hope or stanley no stan hope yeah stanley hope i need to know where

fucking tucson open mics are. Don't look it up. I'm not. But couldn't Christine Levine tell you? I don't know. She's so into her own thing. When I call her, all she does is make excuses for why that podcast isn't out on a regular basis, and it's so good. I really don't want to fucking talk to anybody. I really don't want to fucking talk to anybody.

I can handle Bingo and you guys. But even Hennigan's coming for, I got to go. Oh, I'm going to LA to do podcasts the first week of February. I don't think, Michael Bean, the podcast, first of all. Yeah, I know I'm doing Burr and Bert and Annie Letterman and maybe Corolla. I don't know. We're just trying to cram in three days as many as we can. And then we go. I'm doing Australia, and I tweeted this.

I think I talked about it on the last podcast. I am going to be at the LAX Sky Club on my layover from Tucson to Sydney, Australia for Super Bowl. I'll be there from like two to ten. I think I have an eight hour layover. I made it. So I get there early. I get my spot. And in case it goes into overtime or something, I don't miss the end. And then Michael Bean keeps telling me that he's coming.

We had a whole text. I go, listen, if you're really going to do this, because he goes, do I need a ticket? I go, yeah. Does he know how airports work? No, he's fucking 78 years old or whatever. It's not 78 65 older than mick jagger well he acts like it and uh he's it's like do i need a ticket i go yeah it's it's not 1970 anymore you need a ticket to i can get you into the sky club if you're flying on delta uh he goes

does it have to be international i go no no no, no. I have guests from my benefits that I can get you in, but you still need a ticket. Okay, I'll be there. And I go, listen, if you're really going to do this, let me do it for you. Because he lives between here and LA. And I go, if you're going to be in LA anyway, I will find you the cheapest one-way ticket on Delta to Tucson or Phoenix or Vegas or whatever. I'll find you the cheapest, and then you don't have to take the flight. You can just come in as my guest because you have a Delta ticket. And he goes, I'll figure it out. He's not going to buy a Delta ticket that has – I can't.

I'll get Michael Bean in, but I can only get two guests in. You have to buy a Delta ticket though, right? Yes. You have to be on a Delta flight that day. Delta. No, Delta. Did they check your tickets when I got you guys in as guests? I think so.

Yeah, I'll have to scan your tickets. Yeah, yeah. You always have to scan your tickets. I never scan my ticket. I always ask. I'm like, do I need to scan mine right now? But I think he has. Yeah, I'll add to scan your tickets. Yeah, yeah, you always have to scan your tickets. I never scan my ticket. I always ask. I'm like, do I need to scan mine right now? But I have the card. That's why they need to scan my ticket.

They scan his. All right, I don't know if guests had. They probably do. I used to go in Delta bars when I had the two free guests. And I'd go into the regular bar and go, hey, listen, if anyone's got a long layover, I have two free guests i can get in the sky club you just you don't have to actually hang out with me and it just sounded like so creepy yeah it sounds creepy now yeah but it's like i'm wasting the fact that you guys could

drink for free with fucking free snacks i'm trying to offer like i'm not gonna hang out here to make friends with you to go oh by the way, we could have been drinking for fucking free. It's even weirder that you were in a bar paying for drinks, trying to rustle up some companionship and then go, oh, we can go over. I know a place we can go and take this party elsewhere. Yeah, we can make it all private with Swedish meatballs. How does a free drink follow me? How are you two going to live apart? I mean, I know how hard it's going to be for me to live without both of you.

How are you two going to – what are you going to miss the most about each other? I think you forget that we – it's a piss break. A piss quest question. the most about each other? I think you forget that we... It's a piss break. I think he forgets that our entire beginning of our relationship was long distance. Turns off. Go ahead and turn it down for half a pee. Because he's only going to do half a pee. If we're only what? Take the whole piss.

Don't stop it midstream. He's just taking the top off, like he likes to say. And then... I'll cut. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I don't. I've always thought about the catheter, so this doesn't have to happen. But now I just thought, condom and a cock ring so oh yeah so as i sit here you just see my sweatpants

balled up at the end well you could do you what you could do you're on the right track but they already have a device it's called an external catheter they do have an external catheter that would and it would it does come with some kind of an o-ring to uh to firm it up at the base it works way better for women than men but yeah yeah i didn't you didn't know the women's version no i thought it was like that cup that sat no that turns into a penis that thing oh no that's that that's that uh kind of a gag gift urinal thing where the girl it's like a funnel yeah it's a funnel how do you know it works you did it i haven't done it yet but i've someone said i fitted it oh i know it would work okay but you could get an external catheter you use never mind it took so long to

find just even a vague reference for that stupid joke about, like, what comic show would you be at where the men's room would be empty? So you'd use that to go in the men's room. And it was a terrible joke that I tried too hard to make it work. To make it work, yeah. What was that thing called? Do you remember? A churnel or something? No.

Churnel. It was a gal something i think i don't i'd have to i'd have to yeah brian got one for bingo i think one time yeah yeah yeah it was around i can't remember why i ended up with one but i still have it well because no one wanted it and i didn't end up with hers i ended up with a different one someone sent us one in the in the mail that might be it yeah yes going to smoke one more. Because that's what you had in your pack. Oh, read it. Yes.

This is. Viewer mail. We got. Eric Salter sent something. I can't even fucking remember what it was, but it was cool. Oh, wait. It was the. He sent two things.

Two things. One just showed up in the overlap. Did he send it? Because remember, we shook it, and we're like, we didn't know what it was. It was kind of heavy. And then we saw it was Eric Salter, and then we remembered the road and stuff. We saw it was Eric Salter, so we took it up to his place immediately. Oh, yeah, but that was the first one, the peanut butter.

One of them got smashed, but then one sitting here. No, I got one of them. Yeah, but I haven't opened it yet. I forget to buy bread today. It's high-end peanut butter like you'd get at Gatlinburg or Pigeon Forge or something. Yeah. Just like a touristy spot. It's IPA

of peanut butter. IPA of peanut butter. Sounds delightful. It is. Thank you, Eric. What's this note from? Oh, this is, Doug just got this package. We brought it up to Tucson. And it's a nice, succinct letter. Hey, Doug, I hope the New Year is treating you well so far. New Year Eve gig was a success.

I've been searching for A1 packets for three months. Ironically, I found them in rehab. These A1 packets. I took two every meal and stashed them in my trumpet case until I completed the program. Please enjoy. I'll be back as a killer train on my, et cetera, et cetera. Look forward to the next happy hour. There is a, and also love to bingo in the trailers.

There is a half of a plastic grocery bag full of A1 packets. There's going to be at least 50 in there. So Dan in 60 was in rehab for a while. And a high dollar rehab. Because Bingo can't get crayons, but he could get fucking A1 packets. Thank you so much, Dan and Cincy.

Old Green Eyes, that was super sweet. So he decided to go to rehab just to get you A1 packets. That's a long ways to go. That's commitment, man. He looked for three months, he said, and he couldn't find them. I gotta lie, man. He's figured it out. I have to get addicted to heroin before ways to go that's commitment he looked for three months he said and he couldn't find him i got a line he's figured it out i have to get addicted to heroin before i can get him and he sent plastic straws oh that's right he sent black cocktails so so i i assumed before you read the letter i go

whoever this is knows that i'm going to australia because the uk and austral, I always know to bring. Actually, Australia, I can't remember exactly what I need to bring. Here's the thing. Australia, I like. So I don't remember. Like the UK, I fucking hate so much. I remember everything that I'm going to need. That they don't have. Everything that sucks, that's missing.

that I'm going to need. Everything that sucks, that's missing. So A1 sauce is always the best all-around condiment goes on. That's anywhere. That's even on the road here because sometimes they won't have it. You can put on eggs

and chicken. Potatoes. So good on potatoes. Yeah, on everything. And they don't have plastic straws there. Australia. Australia, you motherfuckers. Wow, that was a quick turnaround. It's like Hawaii.

The fact that they don't have legalized weed there. You're the biggest, like, now redneck states, Hawaii is as bad as fucking Alabama in my eyes. If you haven't legalized weed yet, then you're a fucking redneck backwoods fucking state. And Australia is so progressive that it's like Hawaii where you're amazed they don't have fucking recreational weed. I mean, UK is progressive on some levels, but they still have a fucking king. So you're not that progressive, are you? I never thought Australia was that progressive. Well, they're fucking. Oh, I'm sorry.

Johnny Depp fucking was going to go to jail for bringing a puppy. So, yeah, that eco-progressive. Oh, yeah. Don't you bring a fucking. That's because all the invasive species. You have a peanut shell in your teeth. Yeah, an invasive species is also COVID. Yeah, they shut their shit down.

Yeah, so that's progressive. But fucking, that also should be, yeah, let's get high and not let invasive species and Johnny Depp and fucking peanuts into our country or whatever. People go to fucking jail

for getting an orange in their handbag. I don't think it's that yes it is it absolutely is and i dare anyone from australia to prove me wrong fucking and i tweet that out while you promote my dates on social media they're on at dougstandup.com didn't you just have a thing i'm in fucking brisbane i'm at a secret show the day before Brisbane. February 18th, 2023, Brisbane. Then you go to Perth, Sydney, two nights in Sydney.

Canberra? Yes. That's the capital. Is it Canberra or is it Canberra? Canberra. Canberra. Adelaide and then Melbourne. Fucking Chaley.

Last time I, and it was 2018 when i played there the last time i get there i get there a few days early to recoup uh from the flight got you and this is going to be after a 10-hour super bowl hiatus at the lax sky club before the 12-hour flight yeah i'm gonna need the recovery time it's 12 hours to fight uh i think it's it might be 14 from la yeah going that way it's probably closer to 14 is it direct well it's got to be if it's that yeah to sydney but then i have a layover before brisbane but that gives me a chance to have a few more cocktails after i've slept for 12 hours anyway the point is uh canberra is uh oh last time i was there that's what i'm saying last time i was there i read a book for three days like like 600 page history of australia

like maybe i'll get some material out of this and uh it was an arduous 600 pages, maybe the third longest book I've ever read, maybe second. And Lenny Bruce, before you ask for the first, ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce is, I don't know, fucking 900, 1200 pages. Really? Oh, my God. That's the longest. Anyway, I remember the history of Australia zero. I remember the history of Australia zero. I remember zero. Three solid days of reading this book.

Five years ago, I don't remember a fucking thing. And the other night, I don't know if we already talked about this. No, we didn't on a podcast. We're in Hawaii and we have HBO and I'm awake and Crocodile Dundee is on. And I remembered almost every part, having not seen it since it came out. I remember every part of fucking Crocodile Dundee and nothing about 600 pages of fucking studying every goddamn word. And it was a horrific fucking story. Yeah. I mean, everyone knows it started as a prison colony,

but they go into details about the ships and people would languish and fucking die in the ships waiting to be transported to the island from the ship docked or some shit like that. Yeah, but details. I don't know anything about fucking Australian history. But I go, was it the first episode where he goes, that's not a knife? Paul Hogan's a national treasure.

I mean, you just get sucked in. You remember it all. He's alive. Yeah, he had some tax scams or some shit. Like half his Wikipediaikipedia page after here's what happens on hbo they put on crocodile dundee and that segues into crocodile dundee part three who does that without part two in the middle well and who knew there was a crocodile three i had no idea just came just came out a couple years ago.

Also, if you're in Australia and you're sharing these dates, tell Paul Hogan I'm going to leave tickets for him like Bum Phillips did for Elvis and all the Houston Oilers games back in the Houston Oilers

days. I don't have to date it because they don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But yeah, I want to meet Paul Hogan. I want to be on Paul Hogan's podcast. Should I look it up? No, he's like 83 or something. I looked it up. He might have debts.

My God, when you watch the first one, he's the very handsome. It's 1986 they filmed that. He's a very handsome man, but in a Clint Eastwood way, like weather beaten. Yeah. And then the third one, part three that comes out is

from 2001. And now he's not leathery. He's rubbery. And he married that chick. He married the chick. Oh, that's right. They got married. They did the first two, 1986 and 88.

And then they got married in 1990 and thought, oh, well, that's like if I wrote a musical album with bingo. They're like, oh, this is just fucking sad. I thought they'd collaborate. The last one came out October 27, 2020, called Evening News, Evening Viewers with Paul Hogan. He has a podcast. Does he?

Had. Well, I mean, I don't know why. It might be just showing me what's up on Apple Podcasts. Well, we weren't very consistent with ours in the early days. Yeah. If Brian Hennigan was listening to this, he'd say, get me on. When does this come out, Chaley? I don't know.

You have no idea. I know. I got a couple of travel days. Probably by Monday. Do you have some Adderall? You can just stay up all night and get right on your flight and sleep the whole way to Salt Lake city for an hour and 20 minutes. Yeah.

It looks like this is a kind of him tripping through his, his history in his own work. Oh, tell you the stories. Well, I'd like to tell him my own story about watching his two movies the other night. Yeah.

And then the next night I noticed on HBO was crocodile Dundee too, by itself. Going into Ferris Bueller's Day Off. That's why I still. Which Crocodile Dundee 2 is the one that that quote is from. That's why I still want to make the Unbookables 3. Yes. So everyone looks for two that doesn't exist.

Especially James. And we have someone else play james have someone else play james inman using his exact same verbiage from one but funny yeah i mean we did that when we were driving i think erickson was in the car we were on tour and like for like 150 miles we're throwing out ideas of like we would get James Inman but then we would have a director go this guy's, we can't, we need so James Inman would have to be in

while we screened the actors that would play James Inman Very Windy City. Yeah, totally I mean that was really what it was and then everything, because then we were going to have James get married but it was actually going to be a real marriage. So he was going to get gay married to someone for real because we were going to go, no, he's just an actor.

But the preacher was actual preacher. So then at the end of it, he was going to actually be married to the guy that was the actor. Yeah, that doesn't fly now. Not even – Yeah, now it's not shocking. Yeah, now it's not shocking. Yeah, not even with Inman. This was a while ago. This was like 2015. Yeah, well, when Hannigan made the mistake of booking him in Edinburgh back when he lived over there and ran that room, he thought once he realized how fucking insane Inman is, he was going to tell all the press

that he's a character. That's a good idea. So when the press said, you play this character of James Inman, you go, I'm not a character! Hannigan would just say, he's always on, gentlemen.

Why are you calling me a character? I'm not a character. I'm a real person with real opinions. Super method. i read the tibetan book of the dead i'll tell you that 12 times a day all right so uh other than that please yeah spread those fucking australia dates all over the social media i'm trying to stay off of it. But I'll... I had the door open. Yeah, we can't have it billowing out while we're doing this. Yes, we can. I live here.

We'll wrap it up, then we can open the door. Meatwig is now a house cat. Meatwig, the Chaley's now that they're leaving me all by myself. Well, Meatwig had to move to Bingo's house and be an indoor cat because she's too close to the coyotes for him to be an outdoor cat. The good news is he's a beautiful, fluffy, long-haired cat

that is nothing but dreadlocked. So within a month of him not laying in burrs, and I don't know why he likes to lay in burrs and dirt and bushes and then come in dragging them from his gorgeous hair. He's going to be a fluffy... His hair is always smoother than bingos.

And she's got thumbs. He doesn't. She again had to hire the handyman to brush out her hair. She says she's going to... That's why i'm staying up here as much as possible because yeah i got a plan i'm going back to a trainer i'm getting the dietician i'm getting my hair brushed out yeah so i'm gonna go down watch the playoffs with her and uh try to make the new cat home as comfortable and recognizable as possible,

even though that cat's lived with you for fucking two months. State farm. We've worked on keeping him inside a lot. We got him a box inside our house. He's like fucking 17. He doesn't need to be going outside. He doesn't. And he's spoiled.

Yeah. And so, yeah, he can be an indoor cat and then fluffy for the first time in his life because he's not covered in fucking dreadlocks. No, he's not. All right. Well, I guess we'll talk to the Chalys again one day. Somehow we'll do a podcast while we're... Zoom. Zoom-a, zoom-a, zoom-a, zoom.

I would love to do that. I really want to get fucking Bean on a podcast before we go to Australia because he just came from fucking like five months of Australia. That's right. He was over there filming for a while. Yeah. And I want to, if I can get him to Zoom and not say something career ending. Well, just don't do it live. Well, the problem is we've had some conversations lately,

always late at night or early in the morning where he's, yeah, well, I'm on a lot of Xanax right now, and I'll tell you the truth. See, this is what you, he says, every time you get drunk, you call me and say we should do a podcast together. Nope. And you never remember. Nope. That's bingo.

Hey, bingo, we're closing out the podcast. So I was just rambling on anyway, and we're about to say goodbye. So do you want to take us out live? Yes. Kitty got in the tent and on the perch. Okay. Bye-bye now. Yes, kitty got in the tent and on the perch. Okay, but I know. Never, never, never.

That was her saying, the cat is on the perch now. She bought the cat a cat perch for a fucking kitten would like. And now the cat's on the perch. So that's the meat wig update. Back to the music already in progress. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Terima kasih telah menonton!