The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#517 - "Nobody Loves Me"(FREE)

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

Doug is still without a home and in the middle of an emotional crisis.  Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. Recorded Mar. 15th, 2023 at the Little House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Stanhope Store FIRE SALE - Stanhope merch - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/  We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast you you didn't like that so i just i just chad shank yeah it's sad that i have to hear his voice intro in the podcast to go let's get you on the mic i should uh yeah i should i'm i'm i'm at a month now uh not smoking so i'm at a place where I think, yeah, maybe I should dip my toes into socializing. Oh, I thought you were going to dip your toes into tobacco. No, no, no. It's like one of those things. You've got to get rid of the triggers, which is everything you do in life, like socialize or write or anything.

First of all, I have been without the Internet. First of all, I have been without the internet. The internet, there was a major crash all over like half the state or more. So I've been without the internet for two days, which is worse than any withdrawal I've had from quitting smoking after 43 years. Two days without the internet and I'm fucking, oh, customer service that's not even related to the internet is hearing about it oh i have been fucking just like just and i don't know if it's because we're now at in the month four or five with nothing being done on the house that you just take away a little bit more from me and i'm fucking stabbing you i'm like fucking uh what's his name gross burger from stir crazy the big fat bald you know you know i'm eating my prison meal with my

around my meal go ahead take one more fucking p for me go ahead i'm gonna fucking stab you with a fork but yeah yeah i was at safeway yesterday when everything went down and people had to either pay cash or abandon their carts which it felt weird because i i can't remember the last time i was forced to pay cash unless it was like for you know something yeah yeah but it was you know people were just turning and walking away so and it took 24 hours for that to resolve. And you still don't have it at the house, right? Still don't have it. Yeah.

And it's supposed to be like everyone else's backup. It's supposed to be, they posted Sparklight as the provider. But it wasn't just Sparklight. But they posted specifically about Bisbee. Bisbee is as of 6 a.m.m this morning it's all back up and running well not me i am i live in a fucking vortex where honestly shit doesn't work tech shit doesn't work and no no you just don't hear just give it to me and then hang on no you're right i haven't seen this before oh yeah this doesn't hang on let me let me call some see i told you it's me it's

fucking it is qr code never scanned a fucking qr code in my life customs in the uk well just scan the fucking thing no you try it you try it yeah you just put your camera and you uh uh yeah yeah yeah your shit does it well go on through forget it you fucking black cloud of everything that fucking Asians created that was good for the world they created the internet right

I don't know that that's true either way they should get credit. They built all the devices for the Internet. Yeah, they profited from it. They saw the Internet coming. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a Japanese supremacist. But you know what I didn't realize yesterday is I should probably have more cash on hand i mean it doesn't hurt to have you know a hundy in your wallet to uh to you know take care of something like that yeah why don't you go down to the bank and just start screaming give me all my cash now sorry we can't the internet's down yeah i was wondering if we could like stage uh runs on banks like like if we try to do something as a prank in the you know the backlash undertow of the uh savings what the silicon valley bank yeah sbd then they're like well what if other small regional banks start going down like what if we did a prank that actually made a fucking

like washington federal fucking close close at 1 p.m.? Yeah. And I have all the motive in the world to close those motherfuckers. I'm going to Seattle and I got to remember to shit on them because that's their home base. But yeah, they Washington federal period. There's a period in their logo. And I don't know what that means. Like they're low and like no one doesn't say Coca-Cola period. It's but there's this Washington federal period.

Yeah. There might be a guy that started like a mail order company in 1978 that still on paper owns Washington federal. So they had to add the dot. It's beautiful in Australia. Burger King is Happy Jack's over there. Because one fucking guy had Burger King, just a small burger

stand somewhere, I think it's in Sydney or Adelaide, I don't know. I look it up every time I go because I see the Happy Jack's logo which is obviously Burger King font and colors and I fucking hate Burger King just irrationally. And that guy is like, no, I'm not selling. No.

Did you go there and eat at the Burger King in Australia? No. I've looked it up every time I tour there. I'm never in the town when I think about it. And when I get to that town, I don't think about it. But I would definitely go and celebrate that place. Fuck Burger King. So it's not just the name.

Right. They could have done Burger King, period. I don't know. There's sketch motherfuckers. So yeah, but I'm just getting shit done fucking you've been very busy yeah taking all the trees out you're the opposite of johnny appleseed well you know the thing is is that nothing's been done to the yards in 10 years i mean if if a limb blows down we get someone out here with a

chainsaw yeah but never any like care or maintenance and i found a guy that his crew comes in and they're fucking jamming and so it's and he's reasonable so just put him to work man yeah i pulled up in front of uh 212 here and uh they're throwing all the branches into a wood chip. Hipper right there. Yeah, done. Wow. It wasn't until you just said it. Wow, firewood.

We used to have fires all the time. You'd have to wait for it to season, so you'd have to store it somewhere, and that's where the rats go. Yeah, and we never have fires anymore no it's not because we were out of wood yeah but yeah uh the tree that they took down today was huge and it like i told you i go it doesn't seem like that tree was like and we'll put it here it's like it started growing and then it just became that's where the tree is and that and that it was huge and they

took that out and now you've got an entire patio that's usable without something dropping and pigeons and fruit and leaves year round fucking bingo was just going on at raider i made raider dinner i get i get into these places where well is it the chili? Well, I gave them chili as a first course. It was chili in a sandwich, but I made a thin cut chicken breast. Do you have a diner over there that has it now? Yeah, but I make this stuff for me. I had the same thing, but I had it earlier, and I made sure. Because I can't cook for two people.

I can cook very good for one person uh but if i have to do two that's your half piece of toast one egg yeah yeah uh but yeah i made chicken breast uh with uh swiss on the bottom uh provolone on the top with uh just thin cut chicken breast if you pound it out or is it just is it just thin no it's slice it yeah so you buy it thin cut so yeah it's perfect for a sandwich you're like making a malibu chicken then no i this i made a southwest pepper and provolone with bacon on sourdough with the

crust pulled off of the top. Some people like crust. I don't like it. I don't like to bite into a sandwich. Crust should be taken off entirely. Are you talking about the heel on both ends of the bread? No. Or the crust. No, the crust.

Yeah, the regular piece of sourdough bread. I don't like to have to breach that. And I shouldn't have to cut a sandwich in half to be able to not eat through the crust. So you pull the top off and that gives the person the option of cutting through or just eating through where there's no fucking crust. I put a lot of energy. This is what i do with my time now and i think i really have a case for where i have mental illness there's no doubt that where i and i just sit and go that see that that's not normal that's not you can't chalk this up to

oh he drinks every day no this is just not for instance what kathleen madigan what she doesn't follow me on twitter okay what this turns into a full night how is it i think it was i don't know if it's the oscars or something or maybe it was that Malaysian, some TV show or event thing. And it was trending. And I click on the trending to see what Kathleen Madigan shows up in the trending feed. And it says, Hey termites,

let's go with a link to whatever the show or the, whatever was going on termites, let's go with a link to whatever the show or whatever was going on. Termites. And then I started doing research, and she calls her fans termites. And I couldn't find them. Like, since when? Yeah. And I'm, like, looking up. And in the process of this, I go to her Twitter page and she doesn't follow me.

And she's a, she's a booze bag like me. She's roughly my age. I mean, we've never been close, but we've been, you know, you've worked with her or met her. And I think the last time I saw her, we was after the green room Provenza with Showtime. So, yeah, like 10 years ago. Was that the one with Belzer and Glenn Wool and Dave Attell? Yeah, it ended up, I think it was me and her and Ron White and Attell all went to the improv. And we all went up and did sets. I remember Dice came to bump whoever was on stage and i'm like sorry dice i'm like i'm

going up next to the house i bumped dice uh but uh yeah she's i've always liked i'm like and it's not like she when you see some of the like all right they they only follow like you know 35 people or 130 people. I get it. She follows like 3000 fucking people and not me. And I just fixate on this. And now I'm down in the fucking Madigan rabbit hole and she's doing this. And she started it during quarantine. Hubcast is the name of hers. Like she lives rurally in in missouri where she grew up off like not in hollywood or new york yeah i think outside of st louis or maybe in st louis

st louis area she started a podcast pub cast i'm like that's yeah that why is this not all about the drinking actually some like a open i'm a i'm a fucking drinker if you i don't hang out with non-drinkers i'm reading interviews i'm trying to find any reason that we should not be at least peripheral cursory friends like uh just comics who boos that's it exactly how few are there of us left and she doesn't all goddamn night clicking on a different interview but this is on your phone though you're not even on your no this is days ago okay This is why now the internet, I can't live without it. I realize all these fucking assholes say, oh, I don't even have a TV. Yeah, but you sit and do the same thing on the internet. Yeah.

I know that I'm wasting time, but I also know that I'm a fucking crazy person. that I'm a fucking crazy person. Why am I just completely, not only have I spent my whole night, but I still wake up, like, why doesn't, does Kathleen Madigan not like me? I was building a podcast around,

you know, just that. Just that. Like, so what is the fixation? Is it that she's not following you and you feel like you think that she doesn't like me? Oh, all right. I think. And that, you know, that happens.

Yeah. Sometimes people just don't like you. Oh, tell me about it. I guess, you know. I guess you know. The point is, you go at one point, is this like a place I could get medicated and not think about Kathleen Madigan's feelings about me and what it was specifically that made her not follow me? I mean, I don't follow. Did she follow you at one time?

Do you know? Not that I know. Okay. So you're filling in some blanks here. Yeah. I don't. I don't follow. Eat your own neuroses though. I don't follow her.

No. Well, there you go. Why don't you follow her and see what happens? Well, I'm afraid of rejection. Maria Bamford. I followed her. She doesn't follow me. I've tweeted her things to her GoFundMe

her projects she doesn't follow me but I know she's crazy I don't know that I'm crazy I know that I'm a drunk and I know that fucking Kathleen Madigan is a drunk if I had fucking like whatever

crazy you know whatever Maria Bamford has if we were both in the same, you know, if we would both be locked up in the same wing of the mental institution and then we got out and she didn't follow me. I'm like, wait, we're both crazy people. We both have the bipolar this. There's a connection. Yeah. or this there's a connection yeah yeah so you feel like the booze is enough booze and comedy is enough of a connection that you think you should get a cursory hey i'll follow you or i shouldn't care well yeah there's that part too yeah and again there's i don't know that i i'm

i'm so bad at gauging cause and effect the older i get i get like really sick the other day for two days i was puking you came home from australia and yeah but that was basically yeah but i mean you basically then could shut down sometimes your body just does that it was yeah i went back up north to the hotel. The hotel home. Yeah, and I didn't feel bad, but I just, I walked in to the hotel and went, oh, it's just... Wait, it was puke?

No, no, it was just tightness of the throat where it was like a gag reflex without... Like, am I going to throw up? I'm like y'all i'll take that just kept going yeah and i'm like i don't feel i didn't feel like my belly was wishy-washy was it something like food have you ever like when you puke on mushrooms yeah or ecstasy i don't know more mushrooms uh i i remember uh puking on ecstasy the same way in uh montreal at the oh by the way we're coming back to canada yeah that was when we're doing the just for spite festival and we had this car wash party we rented out a car wash

overnight and uh i was on ecstasy and i was just like really you know tense when it's coming on and like i was talking to a guy and i was just you know charcoal eyes yeah intense and like and i just turned my head and projected i vomited go ahead i'm good i'm good go ahead keep talking and then she said what we're back in the story is coming up at the end of the party stragglers are still leaving the parking lot i think the car wash people are starting to come in because they have to be a car wash soon and i talk to this guy's like and i go and i look up and it's the same guy i'd been talking to earlier when i'd puked like every time you talk to me i vomit so get go get going it was that kind of stress vomit i don't know how much i'm really losing my because of

this house yeah i don't know like it doesn't seem i feel like i'm just you know riding through this you know, riding through this fucking nightmare. I started asking people in Safeway, Hey, Doug, how's everything? You back in town? Yeah. How's your, how's your house coming along? It's not, nothing's happening. We had to fucking ditch the other fucking people that the insurance company recommended their fucks. No one was returning our calls that are do you do you know a contractor yeah just asking people i'm gonna that's what it's gonna come down to if we don't get calls back i got another another week and then i'm just gonna have to

start making some more calls to tucson now because i'll go fucking i'm basically going public now. I'll just go to people's podcasts, go any general contractor that's just fucking bored and wants to make a name for yourself. I will call it your general contractor, whoever you are. You'll own this podcast for a year. Just like SoFi Stadium, 3Com Park or whatever yeah it'll be the uh fucking Stan and Sons fucking Ruby Ridge general contractors taped down from the mountains of Idaho to fix my fucking goddamn roof. And it'll be your contracting company name here, Doug Stano Podcast.

Or something like that. Or something like that. Yeah. Well, we got guys coming in with some bids. So, I mean, we've got, we've got, there's nobody in Bisbee, basically. And Sierra Vista is the next biggest town. And when I was talking to the claims adjuster today, who I got his personal number now, so I can get contacted.

Basically he's like, yeah, you should probably, probably go out to Tucson. It's like, Hey, three weeks ago, you couldn't have told me you should probably focus on Tucson for contractors. That's how I'm getting information. I go, yeah, I'm not having any luck here. It's like, yeah, what you should probably do is like, wow, that that once again, two weeks ago, you could have told me that I wouldn't have gotten all these electricians because he's like, hey, you know, you know, you get the electrician bid. That's good and everything. But if you got the general contractor coming in, he's probably going to get his own guys in there to do it. So he'll subcontract out and go, well, that I've been calling on all these, these electrical contractors to come out and do a bid.

And I told him that. And today he said, yeah, you should probably just wait till you get the general. I'm like, oh, well, live and learn. What else? What other gems am I going to learn in the next couple of weeks yeah so uh do we have uh do we even have sponsors anymore is that still a thing um sometimes do you just do this for me yeah this never goes out of the house doesn't go out yeah it's to get you to stop thinking about k Madigan. Oh my God, just don't get me fucking started on the other things.

You'll move on to something else, won't you? When I hate fixate, I know it's a problem. I didn't hate fixate on her. That was a wounded soul for no reason. Dumb thing, but fucking blue check

marks. People that buy blue check marks dude fucking people that buy blue check marks what's that on twitter on twitter now like it used to be a safe place you go okay i'm just i don't want to fuck with twitter i don't want to deal with assholes but yeah the verified people they were never the fucking asshole so you go i'm just gonna check my verified comments yeah and then see if the people i know and now you go someone's like what do you this is a verified oh no i forgot you fuck i would and i want to block them but then you're like yeah that's cunty what why do you you're paying twitter to fuck you you're like it's like it's invasive invasive species audience members paying to be able to go and go to the green room yeah and you don Audience members pain to be able to go in the green room.

Yeah. And you don't know when to shut the fuck up in the green room. All right. Yeah. Now's the time where we're actually thinking and working. Someone's recording. Fucking backstage pass motherfuckers. And the punchable faces.

Oh my God. Here, let's take a break. All right. Because just in case, because we do have ad insert God. Here, let's take a break. Just in case. Because we do have ad insertions. So we still got that going on. All right. Rally up there, fucking killer termites. We might have to steal our fucking moniker back.

Actually, I'm fine with getting rid of killer termites. I give it to Kathleen Madigan. Wait a minute. She's not killer termites. She's just termites. And you were givenathleen madigan which i wait a minute she's not killed her termite she's she's just termites and you were given you were dubbed yeah killer termite yeah i know and that's why maybe maybe uh it's time to get something else can we wait until we run out of the t-shirts i have selling maybe we put our termites on her termites there you go oh she doesn't even know there's a storm brewing

that's a great thing about nobody listens to my podcast in this industry yeah hey killer termites buckets start turning your plowshares into swords we'll be right back you were listening to the d Stanhope podcast. You should be popping up out of the back and buried in that top bunk and then pop up at the end and just go. Okay. Yeah. You want to talk about the podcast studio? This is the,

these are the helix mattresses. It's the, it's the remnants of a old sponsor. You know what? You love and you live and sometimes you keep the mattress, especially if they have a lot of mattresses themselves.

This was the twins and it's the bunk beds. I think the bunk beds came from Ikea. But I don't know. You got the bunk beds. Yeah, the bunk beds came from Ikea. But I don't know. You got the bunk beds. Yeah, I think they came from Ikea. I can't remember.

You slept in it once, right? In these, no. I grew up in bunk beds. I got a twin brother. I love bunk beds, in theory. But yeah, it hasn't made me go well, now that the weather's changing that's another fuck thing this is not only has it been since the seasonal change the fire happened

right before thanksgiving november 21st that's when you're getting used to okay it's going to be cold and it's just going to get worse and now now you come back from three weeks in Australia where it was summer. And now this is becoming summer in Tucson. Oh, 70 degrees. When I left, you put on a hat to go outside and smoke. Now I don't even go outside to smoke. And it's gorgeous. I should be playing tennis.

It's on my list. I just don't read my list. Yeah, maybe I should be doing that Rather than worrying about the fucking internet But I have so much god damn work We're about This room is almost done And then the fun house

Is about a week away From the new stage And basically prepping it for paint Because what we did was Because of the fire no one's living here. We just started redoing a bunch of stuff that needed to be done. And I don't have a vision for the new fun house. And I realized it's like thrift store shopping.

Like, all right. I want to stand up globe. I love a stand up globe. Like a globe on a stand where you can just, you know, it's a hip height and you can whirl it around. Like in like a gentleman's clubs in uh yeah with overstuffed chairs cigars and exactly bourbon and i love a globe uh and i looked them up online they're really fucking expensive yeah they are uh are you talking about the one that opens up and there's a bar inside of it

it doesn't have to be okay i actually like the globe i don't need the hideaway bar spin right yeah and i like i could stare at that for all right i'm trying to sneeze uh and i'm like that's what i like that's one of the things you just wait to find in a thrift store yeah or at a yard serendipity yeah i don't need a globe i don't like stop buying everything that you'll eventually find for a bargain and that's what i'm going to do with the funhouse until i have an idea i'm not going to go spend a lot of money and put let's just throw a fucking giant table in there and podcast off of it until we need to.

It's horrible for podcasting. You know? Oh yeah. Cause the audio and the, and the, yeah. So whatever, we'll figure it out.

But the, the new, the new, it was fine. No, it's always been bad. Oh, all right.

Yeah. The thing is, is that it's always been like doing a podcast in a bar. So the audio is, is suffers because of it. There's not, there's nothing to help warm up the sound or to dampen some of the echo and stuff. And it's always been the cats or the dogs making noise, people coming in and out. It was never a thing where everyone quiet on the set, you know,

but if we want more control over that, then we would probably not do it. Yeah. Well, but the bar podcast aside. Yeah. Just for hanging out. Oh yeah. Yeah. Throw up banquet table and six chairs around the patio table. Well, actually no, the patio is coming back into play, but the, the bar is gone. So that's, we took all the equipment out of there. We're putting in three more smart TVs. And we have a new stage.

And I love it. The stage looks great. We just need to figure out what to paint it. Yeah, maybe we should do that. Is just set it for a show. Yeah. And that way, anytime I go in there just to fuck off i work on my laptop all right yeah we should so all i have to do is call a few people and say hey on the 19th we're

doing a show and then i have to do the show well you do you do owe a show to someone in town oh yeah shady dell yeah i bet him on the as a new stage they they completely took out one trailer it's a it's it's it's huge a big deal so yeah i don't know is that what you meant to do is to do a show there on the shady dell stage i've no i had no idea i just knew I wanted to bet him and money's boring. Yeah. So it was the Eagles against someone in the playoff. Just to, yeah, just to make the playoffs. Yeah.

Well, maybe it was, but it might've been the Superbowl. No, it was playoffs. Yeah. Yeah. What were you going to win? It was a show versus a night in the yacht. Oh, yeah. I don't know what that's called.

Yeah. Wow, that's kind of lopsided. Yeah. Yeah. And I was pretty sure I'd lose, but. So do you do the show from the yacht? On the poop deck? Yeah, no, I'm looking forward to that.

Shadydale's opening up with barbecue again this weekend. And Dots Diner has always been open. Oh, we should plug Backdoor Mike's new place, even though we couldn't get in. Taqueria Outlaw. Taqueria Outlaw and Old Bisbee on Tombstone Canyon. We went for the grand opening and uh got there when he said to get there and it was over over full so we just kept going back over to the grand and having

another cocktail we'll wait but it's fucking cold as shit yeah it's before uh australian summer so it was back in the winter days his investor tried twice to go there and have a meal and couldn't get sat so i mean yeah it was it was just crazy and now i mean they're open wednesday through sunday they're open saturdays for lunches so it's uh calming down a little bit mckenzie's bartending mckenzie bird clouds there and yeah yeah it's great food i mean we've got a lot of he's a good cook. So let me just say these because. And I know I'm there's a million thank yous that I probably never got to, but Ryan Cooper is a dead guy. He's a super fan. And his mother sent me this basically a whole brochure package of like the whole thing.

That was a young kid is like 41 and his health started decline and he died within a year and she didn't say why but he was a huge fan and she sent pictures of him like in his apartment with like posters of our tours everywhere and killer termites patches and you know t-shirts and yeah so he was a super fan and he died and his mom sent me Didi, thank you for saying I would have all you sent me was your home address and your phone number. And I wasn't really going to call

like the package included, like from the funeral or whatever letters about remembering Ryan. Shit, I don't fuck all the swag from a funeral so uh yeah i noted dd cooper yes uh the ryan cooper has his name has been spoken now he can go on into the afterlife stop waiting in that merch that was us he was in limbo celestial merch line until you mention it he's in limbo at the

stand up after the show he likes to go have a cigarette out by the dumpster it makes you wait 20 minutes in line like it's the fucking front porch of fight club diva and i know diva i can picture her from social i but i i don't know exactly but she she sent me She's been around She's come to gigs everywhere And I don't know exactly But she sent me some vintage You want to get in my pants You send me fucking vintage

Delta gear I've never seen Some small rocks glasses, blue and etched Delta with the Douglas whatever aircraft Yeah Yeah. Yeah. Pair of glasses. Gorgeous. And and these guys, Tyler and Adam, Tyler, Adam and Roke. They have a comic book series, Ranger Stranger, like Stranger Danger, Ranger Stranger.

And it's, you know, that cheery kind of 50s guy that's doing horrible things with kids or something. Well, it's not like that, but, you know, it's inappropriate humor within a comic book. So those are going directly to the thrift store where they will be bought by someone who has kids. My kid loves comic books that will have no idea that these are salty and inappropriate. It's called

Stranger Danger. Stranger Ranger. Ranger Stranger. Ranger's name is Stranger yeah Rangers name is stranger all right uh yeah this guy left a note oh yeah that's the what it's looking for okay left to know okay this wasn't even this is just cursive writing no one does cursive anymore I can't do cursive I'm sure we talked about this but uh yeah i could not sign my own name in cursive my yeah my signature now my autograph is a bastardization of one like at some point i just printed anything that i had to hand write and

then at some point handwriting is very when i have to to write a check, I feel like I should like put on some vintage clothes and make a party out of it. Like get my S and H green stamps out. Just writing a check seems so fucking archaic. I mean, but when do you, when do you write a check? Well, there's places that, I mean, you don't write a check well there's places that i mean you don't write a check like the checkout at safeway no that's where it's weird because you're because you don't want to fuck up and i mean i can't remember the last time i wrote a check insurance insurance won't take a credit card oh yeah like i tried anything that will take a credit card yeah let's party on some miles yeah getting you know mqms all right this

was stuffed in my mailbox at the dead house dear mr stanhope my name is david low that's right I know off what? Oh, I'm off work till Monday, thanks to the storm that covered everything in snow. Is that storm with an E at the end? That's a verified storm. S.T.O.R.M.E. Is this letter from the 1600s? I drove down from Prescott just to meet you and hopefully have a drink. I brought a bottle of, I don't know, Samuel Grant whiskey for you to try. I think you'd like it. Anyway, I just wanted to meet you.

If you're down for a drink, hit me up, please. No, I'm not a stalker. S-T-O-C-K-E-R. You're down for a drink. Hit me up, please. No. I'm not a stalker. S-T-O-C-K-E-R. Well, Safeway will be sad to hear that because they're looking for stalkers. I won't bother you anymore if you don't want to hang out. All right. Yeah.

He didn't leave the liquor. He just left the note. Yeah. And, well, I don't know. Maybe he did email, but probably not. Please hold. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. When did you start drinking beers?

Occasionally, people. Occasionally, I will get two of the giant Sapporo cans. Neighbor Dave and I used to either Asahi or Sapporo, which I don't, I mean, I always liked beer with sushi and I like Japanese beer.

Otherwise, I'm just a Miller Lite, Bud Light, whatever fucking corporate light guy. But Sapporo and Asahi and then neighbor Dave and I would occasionally get a six pack of one or the other and split it. Just that's back when I was a miller light drinker and we'd get exotic and we'd we'd share a six-pack of fucking like regular they don't sell these in six packs no no no either we'd get a bunch of these or a six-pack of bottles uh but i didn't really appreciate it till i i went to the uk a lot i like their fucking even their budweiser is not budweiser this tastes like a fucking heineken i don't know how you can just slap that fucking label on but it's the same with their fast food where you go i went to a taco bell in the uk and you go do they know you're using their name do you just can you just

like completely grift their fucking logo because they're not watching over here because nothing on this but they're like fish they didn't whatever it was red pudding they had like three things and nothing like fucking taco bell they can't have any standards with their franchise. Their beer is like that, but no, they're fucking Asahi, Sapporo. I started drinking Japanese beer. This is before I was a cocktail drinker. But yeah, oh, thank God.

There's fucking beer. I can stomach over here. Yeah, that's delicious. If I start drinking beer, I can just keep going with it. Like Mexican and sushi. Two places. I love drinking beer. Like, yeah, tacos and, you know.

Yeah. Did you ever do sake bombs? No, I never liked sake. It always tasted exactly like how acid reflux feels you know what I mean by a sake bomb though right yeah I know drop drop yeah yeah it's like everyone yells and yeah no never

never did you don't go in for the the like the festivities like that you would do a shot of Jaeger but you wouldn't go to do the ski or whatever that stupid thing. Or drinking games. Drinking games now would be

that makes you wait to drink. You can't drink unless you do the thing. I need a fucking drink. I don't need a reason to drink. Oh my God, I'm going to get hammered. Oh no.

One too many for me. Yeah, I never found the allure. It's like being in a whorehouse and go you want to play truth or dare you already paid me you want you're gonna dare me to suck your dick you just paid me to or you could go truth go truth Go truth.

Comfort. Comfort is just been the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's the worst addiction I've ever had. It's the most debilitating to my career, my social life. Yeah, I'm fine just to sit on my couch and not talk to anyone and i have enough money i don't need to i don't really have any goals like i i don't see a car and go oh i wish i could afford that well you didn't wish you could afford it but you you just picked oh i just are yeah and i already fucking lost the spare key did you well i Well, I think it might be in the dad's Suburban.

If that's the baby Suburban. Yeah. Yeah, there's another. I'm a sucker for the fucking car auctions. And this is such a weird auction. I don't even know how you found that one. It was in the Bisbee Observer. Where?

And it had an ad. I never read the ads. I know. Exactly. They put an ad in. Auction, Naco Elementary School District. Which is seven miles from here. It's a little tiny town of maybe 500 people.

I don't know what it is. Wait. A thousand people. On the U.S. side? Yeah, the U.S. side. It's nothing. And they had three cars listed. the u.s side it's nothing and uh they had three cars listed and it said visit our website or go to our facebook page or our website and then didn't list what the facebook page or website were

just like like when you see a a a a vehicle that says you whatever, handyman. And it has their phone number, but without an area code. Like everyone knows they go, Oh, just go to our Facebook page. Well, you don't have to list it. So I did Google and then I found it was a, one of the three vehicles was a 1999 suburban with 113,000 miles on it. Yeah, 24 years old,

but for a suburban. Super low miles. Wicked low miles. And I used to have one of my favorite cars was a Chevy Tahoe we got from a city vehicle that I got at an auction for $2,500 and it fucking was

just this, it was a 99 same year this is basically i bought the same vehicle only this one's a suburban so it's a little bit longer but the exact same dashboard interior the front bench seat is like a couch it's this it's fabric so in the summer it's fine yeah yeah it's and love that. And bingo after she got out from her fucking coma was driving the Tahoe and broad daylight smashed it into a fucking pole up the street and doesn't remember why or how. Right in front of a pill, Kim and Dave's place. We heard something. Heard a bang. That's like two blocks away and then

uphill yeah yeah that's a distance and then she doesn't remember where she was going to or from and then the car had to get back i don't remember the details at this point but the point was she didn't know the details other than i uh wrecked the Tahoe and I don't know how. Yeah. And it was after that. And she was not drunk or anything. She's just, I don't. And I'm like, wow, that's fucked up.

Like, is your brain because we don't know what her brain is going to do now. Yeah. And you just go like off the radar, like the Malaysian flight 370. And that really hurt it was totaled right you did it she gave it to her fucking hillbilly friends and it's i see it driving around now oh you do yeah they they got it going but it's like sometimes without a hood yeah once you get it to the right people yeah yeah she did uh but it's like one of those few things that really lingers where you go fuck like i got that for 2500 it would have run forever and it did it ran for i mean yeah it's just probably a theater eight years that that was going at it.

It was just comfortable. And I wouldn't take it outside the city limits or Sierra Vista at best. And this is what replaced it. So six years later, I think, I think, I think the other, look for a key that looks like the mom car key. She had the old 1999 key in the the other suburban because that's what i dropped it off all it needed was tires after i was sitting around yeah the lights weren't working because there was a bad fuse easy to fix and uh the battery was fine um

yeah i mean i think the dash is fine i still haven't even written I think the dash is fine. I still haven't even written. No, the dash is fucked. You can't see it from the inside, but the outside. No, it's all completely broken through. Oh, like whatever is underneath the dashboard. Yeah. It would be visible electronics. Like if the dashboard were your torso. Yeah. You can see all your intestines, heart, lungs and everything through. It's all stove. Yeah stove in yeah the skin is gone yeah all the arizona sun wear oh my god we have that other fucking chevy pickup thing it's the s10 yeah yeah this is 2000 and i went to wipe off the dashboard after i bought that and just all the like the vent slats just crumbled

like necca wafers or bad teeth almost teeth let me just scrub those oh they just fell out yeah but i mean what needs to work on that truck works yeah it goes to the dump and uh gets back every time. So that's all we need. That's all it's there for. Yeah. Okay. Well, we got Seattle coming up. Let me pull up the date. That's the 25 and 6. Yes. Saturday, Sunday, one of them.

So I guess I'm guessing the Saturday is the sold out. I don't know. Brian was telling me like it's completely sold out uh uh i don't know brian was telling me like it's completely sold out well what do you now you sound like the fucking fans that go hey that's sold out do you have any extra seats that you keep for people like me that forgot to buy it no and then canada chaley and i are fucking yeah we're going out of this business in first class it looks like uh the 26th sunday the 26th of march uh tickets are available looks like uh

yeah there's there's a couple of pairs uh in the floor area not many and then others uh balcony it's a beautiful theater i love that yeah i love the neptune yeah and that was where i left you last at the end at the beginning of covid i was making jokes about it because that's when seattle was ground zero for covid that's where it started i'm fucking new york stole all its thunder with the Cuomo. But you remember, it was your fucking, that was your game. They stole your bag. You were the COVID capital. 11 people died.

Say this last podcast. No. When we got shut down in Seattle, a total of 11 people had died of COVID in the United States. At that time. At that time. On that date. I looked it up at one point. I thought I was going to write an update for the book.

Seattle shut down after that second show you did. Yeah. And then we went to Portland. Because Todd Barry was going to be there the next night. He got canceled. Well, not canceled. His show got canceled. And then we went to Portland Because Todd Barry was going to be there the next night And he got cancelled Well not cancelled His show got cancelled And that's when you went out to

I think Philly or Boston or something Something happened Actually Baltimore was technically the last date I played But it felt like Seattle So all the Canada dates are That's it now

Montreal, Toronto, Winnipeg Edmonton, Calgary And then two Vancouver dates May 6th at the House of Comedy in Vancouver Is a day drinking show again Yeah, oh shit When I get the internet back here My small town

Living out of the back of my 1999 auction By Chevy Suburban. I think I might pull that into the driveway and sleep here for the spring months before it gets too hot and just say, I'm living out of my car until I fix my house. Technically, if I do sleep in my car, it's technically accurate that yeah, you forced him to live out of his car, State Farm.

But you still have the hotel. When are you going to get out of the hotel? No, I don't. As convenient as it is. I find out April 15th. They booked me January 5th through April 15th knowing ahead of time it's going to be this fucked up.

Yeah. So we'll see what they booked me on April 16th. All right. Stay tuned, kids. I'm fucking hanging on. Yeah, some guy was a dragon in his hotmail. Yeah. If you didn't kill yourself, don't.

But right now, I didn't even respond. I don't even know what you're talking about. I know. My fucking Hannigan says, you're going to hotmail. This guy's going to kill himself. I'm like, well, I don't

have internet and I'm not going to use my data on my phone. Fuck you, AT&T. Yeah, there's been a lot of people that got fuck yous today. Hey, thank you guys for hanging out. We'll get weirder sooner. Bye. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you.