The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#73: A Fun Drunk with Brian Hennigan

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

Doug drinks with Brian Hennigan and talks about the Soccer Marmalade podcast, a review of the UK election results and an explanation of the term "Sold Out".RIP Lester Errol Brown.Recorded May 07, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brian Hennigan(@MrHennigan), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Soccer Marmalade Podcast - http://soccermarmalade.libsyn.com/Stanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Every 1's A Winner Baby" by Hot Chocolate. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one we're taking tonight Doug, did you see this? Doug? Did you read it? This is what we talked about last night. Do you want to expound on that?

Or do you want to... The clippers and all that shit we were talking about? We just want to save it for another time. Yeah. You got plenty. We got plenty. It was worth it. It was totally worth it.

Bye again. Wait, it's overtime! It's overtime! It's a do-over. That was a really fucking amazing time. That was good. That's a good fucking off, EO. Are you repelling Gene with an online dimmer?

Get back. Get back. Get back. All right. Mute it, whore. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're about to go. We're doing it live. Yeah.

I have to turn my noises off. Everybody calls you. What was that again? I thought that was... No, it was in the bag and I just... I've never seen that brand before until I went to the cheap, sleazy alcohol shop with a tattooed busty woman. Where's she come from?

Are we going? We're doing it live! The tattooed busty woman at Safeway? No! At the sleazy alcohol shop Oh, I don't know There's a new chicken turn She's tattooed and busty

She works at the sleazy alcohol shop She's a tote and busty? Tattooed Tattooed and busty Tattooed Tattooed Yes, that's my fucking You don't listen to my podcast, Brian Hennigan

That is my authentic Scottish accent That's because it's racist I told them I have fucking documentation My great grandmother came from Scotland So that is an authentic Scottish accent

She left her accent behind In fact, we have proof that you have a lineage. Yeah. I don't know what's going on over here. When I go to Scotland with them, they don't look at him like he's kinfolk. No, they shouldn't. Because I'm superior. Especially if there's a soccer match on.

He's a posh lad. He's a fancy boy. I'm not a fancy lad. Yes, he is. I'm not. He gets very upset when you say that. Who else but a fancy lad. Yes, he is. I'm not. He gets very upset when you say that. Oh, really? Who else but a fancy lad would? Yes. Oh, he wants headphones.

He wants your headphones. Oh, really? No, no, no, no, no, no. I won't because... No, it's fine. Well, you shouldn't touch that. Brian Hennigan is with us, with Greg Chaley. Woo! And Brian has his own podcast.

And the way he's fumbling with a microphone and going, I can't hear myself. Maybe I really do sound like this. Is this thing on? Yeah, Brian Hennigan's in town. And we just watched a very exciting game last of the Blackhawks against the Wild that we couldn't wait to be fucking over

so we could podcast, but then all of a sudden it went from 4-1 to 4-3 in the last couple seconds. We didn't care. We just wanted to bust Gene Connors and Tracy's balls because they're rooting for the Blackhawks. So Hennigan and I, we're Minnesota Wild people. The Crimson Wild!

And we'll be Flames or Anaheim people. Fuck you, Junior Stopka. I bet you don't even listen to this stupid podcast. Why do I hate the Blackhawks? All because of you, mostly. Yeah. Totally, completely because of you. And it carries on.

And other people like Gene and Tracy have to take the brunt of it. We have challenged Junior Stopka to skate off multiple times. And he's always declined oh yeah he'd do really well tracy tracy's talking in the background talking off mike saying junior kick your ass yeah until he got down to crouch to speed skate and that fucking weird greasy hair got tangled up in his skates and oh what a fucking uh thrill of victory and agony of defeat that would be. Yeah, and then his crazy non-ex-girlfriend would invade the ice and there'd be

all fisticuffs. So what's a skate-off? Like a 50-yard dash on skates or something? I don't know. Brian just made it up. We put a skate on each foot and we see who's got the bigger fish. Got it.

Brian just drove in tonight and do you want to even talk about your Scottish elections? Yeah, I do, because we fucking won. Hang on, let me back up. Brian Hennigan has a podcast on our network, the Doug Stanhope

Network. Under the all things comedy umbrella. Why was Tracy laughing? That if I don't retweet it, he'll remember for me, log into my Twitter and retweet his own podcast. Oh, you should be doing that. What? You don't do that?

Sorry, what are you talking about? All Doug's tweets are his own. Okay. Jesus. Talk about fucking Wizard of Oz tweets are his own. Jesus. Talk about fucking Wizard of Oz removing the fucking curtain. Jesus. Let me give you my introduction sheet on brand

management. Brian Hennigan has his, him and Brett Erickson have the Soccer Marmalade podcast. Yeah, for people who are interested in soccer and marmalade. Or people arguing in soccer and marmalade. Or people arguing about soccer and marmalade. And I'm assuming

Brett Erickson, I haven't listened to one yet. I'm writing a goddamn book. The important thing is we don't focus on soccer knowledge. We feel that knowing about the sport is an encumbrance and it's best left behind you as you climb the peaks of achievement. And it's a, yeah, as you climb the peaks of achievement.

And it gets a lot of people wound up. Oh, yeah, mostly me. Well, from an outsider, I listened to the – when I edited it, but I also listened to it again. I actually have listened to some episodes three times because I'm trying to fucking catch up. I had no idea what you guys were talking about. Where's the jokes in this? Did I miss it?

Was I drinking? I could squeeze in a canned laugh here. Yeah. But yeah, you seem to be the one with the expertise. And Brett Erickson, you take much pleasure and don't miss a beat to let him know that he's a neophyte in soccer. He's the Ariviste, as they call it.

Well, he's also a fucking soccer coach. And you have to get licensed to do that, to coach kids or umpire or referee or whatever the fuck. He's a referee. Not if Hennigan had anything to do with it. No, I'd license it. It's just not with children. Hennigan, isn't it more about nomenclature?

Well, it's not called that. It's called this. Oh no, no, no. We did all that in the first episode. Yeah. We already,

we did the whole, you know, PK versus penalty kick shite. But other than that, it's a, it's mostly about, you know, Brett's tremendous lack of knowledge of anything to do with sport.

There's a lot of reminding of that. Yeah. And, and, and uh and and and my domination you definitely think you dominate definitely yes so is this something you could just put on during a match because you don't need to listen to it no we're working towards that we're looking at periscope and meerkat as potential ways to do it live we're doing it live but you could just say,

if you're watching the soccer game anyway, you could tune into you talking about other shit from other soccer games. That's the ultimate goal. Right now, though. You can listen tomorrow, Saturday. Everton plays Sunderland. Go, Everton!

I fucking remember that show in Sunderland, you cocksuckers. Am I coming back on this tour? No. No, no. We'll talk about that later, but we're definitely not coming show in Sunderland, you cocksuckers. Am I coming back on this tour? No. No. We'll talk about that later, but we're definitely not coming back to Sunderland. And I hope you get relegated. I'm going to be up at 7 a.m. U.S. time.

You know why I hope you get relegated? Because we're playing Newcastle and we'll sell more tickets. I love Newcastle. You fucking love Newcastle. Go Jordies. Yeah, that was probably our fault. And when I say our fault, I don't do the bookings, do I, Brian? No, you don't.

Yeah, we had a great show in Newcastle. And then like three days later, we doubled back from somewhere down south, came right back up to Sunderland, which is like the fucking Twin Cities. It's like Minneapolis, St. Paul. We just played up here. Yeah. Yeah, that's why you have fucking 200 people in a fucking 2,000 seater, you stooge. Yeah.

It was a one-night stand that you made into a two-night stand. And then... Yeah. Did you ever go back to fuck that ugly girl? Yeah, it was fine when you were drunk. Now it's your sober re-show. Anyway, so the podcast airs what night? It airs between Tuesday and Thursday,

whenever Brett is sober enough to actually record it. Right after Will and Grace. Tough follow. Yeah, we've had to work our schedule to accommodate his inability to speak. Yeah, we talked about that on the last podcast. The fact that we think that you're boozing it up. That's why we don't know about it. I didn't need to talk about that.

What? Having Brett Erickson and Kerry Mitchell moving below you is like having two gremlins move in. But they're not actually gremlins. They're people in gremlin suits who are human sized but when you take the suits off they're actually gremlins they it is i see what

you're saying i can imagine what that's like yeah they are enormous they they they are like a like a whole sack of fun but in a way that you're not really expecting. I understand this in that the new neighbors next door are like, if you had pod people, but they weren't out of the pod yet and you were drunk every night. Well, see, yeah, maybe I,

I, I leave, I, I have lived a very sober and dedicated monastic existence, which is only about furthering your career. And then suddenly you send over these emissaries of fucking drunken attribution who distract me in some sort of like test, like Paul on the road to Damascus. And I'm fucking having to deal with this Damascene non-conversion and they're downstairs every night saying hey do you want some red wine?

That's a long way of saying sorry Newfoundland we won't be playing though. Yeah. So I'm just saying, you know, there are issues. Yeah, there's issues. No, they were here for three months before they went there to L.A. They were here, and we had to leave to take a break. Yeah, and the break has now been imposed on me.

And so I'm like a sort of a country and i'm like fucking lithuania has been taken over by gambia i'm not making anything racial uh i talked to the ericsons at one point the bretels and they said uh you had some night and they said yeah this is uh it was like five at night and they, this is the latest we can remember since we've moved here that Brian hasn't knocked on our door. That's because Manchester United lost. The point is, you go to them. You go to them.

Every day, you knock at their door. Oh, no, I popped down to see. Hello, it's Mr. Boos, Ferry. I popped down to see the fucking retarded hound, you know, fucking what's it called? Rooney the dog. Rooney the fucking blunder dog. And then, you know, they sort of, also I give, there's an offer at 7-Eleven just now, where if you buy one of their rather enjoyable sugary French vanilla coffees, you get a free

muffin. Now I don't eat muffins. So I'm donating it to the Bretchells as my form of helping the Nepalese earthquake. you know, they've mistaken this for friendship, when in fact

what I'm doing is like illicit dumping of muffins. Yeah. You'd rather give it to them than throw it in the bin. Yeah, I'd rather give it to them than throw it at a passing person. So what I'll do is I'll open the door. Sometimes they'll be asleep in the afternoon

because they have to be because they fucking drink all the time. And I lay the muffin on a table. And then they wake up and it's like the muffin fairy has been. And there's a twig holding a box up. Get the muffin. The crate. Yeah.

And then Brett runs off the balcony. His legs keep moving and then he falls. Wouldn't it be funny if this was all a really big ruse to get a 7-eleven plug in now you get get a 16 ounce coffee get a free one three more products but the thing about that 7-eleven ruse is that it's any size of coffee so you can get like i'm serious which delicious flavors well it comes in french vanilla or caramel or caramel. And the thing is that if you... The most expensive one is $2.49. So you add a muffin into the mix.

Still a deal. Wait, you're missing the point. Jesus. You add a muffin into the mix and the price goes down. It's like magic. It's like economic. It's like economic magic. That shouldn't happen. I'm an atheist and I

say, oh, thank heaven for 7-Eleven. And everyone that works there on the 7-Eleven on the corner of Curson and Santa Monica, I think they're Sri Lankan and they're very nice. Also, your buddy still hangs out. Marcus. I saw they're Sri Lankan. And they're very nice. Also, your

buddy still hangs there? Marcus. I saw him when we were there last week. That's tenacity. He's been my homeless guy since I moved in there in 1995. And he's still there. I saw him

not this time, but the last time. He's perfect because he never actually asks you for something unless he asks you for something pointedly, which I appreciate. I'll always say to him when I go in, would you like anything? And he'll say, no, I'm good, man. You'd always ask me for coffee if I asked him, but he would never. Well, he's moved up to a slice of pizza. Wow.

They have good pizza there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a great thing a slice of pizza. Wow. They have good pizza there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a great thing about 7-Eleven. Ask any homeless guy from Altus, Oklahoma, that's been sitting in front of a 7-Eleven for over two decades. He'll say pizza's good. But muffin, not so much.

Not so much. They got to give away what they cost. He has a chance of the muffin, because Brett Erickson has a fucking monopoly on that. All right. So Scottish election. They never get a chance of the muffin because Brett Erickson has a fucking monopoly on that. All right. So Scottish election. Yeah. Make quick work of it.

No one gives a fuck. Well, basically, we won and that's it. So, you know, there's a large aspect of the UK that is now controlled by a political party that is resentful of being in the UK. So things are only going to get more entertaining. Yeah, that's going to be interesting. Yeah, that doesn't cause gridlock at all. Yeah, no. Nothing will ever happen there.

It never has and never will. We should send them some muffins. Send them some muffins. The good thing is that in terms of like, you know, the pound has risen 1% in the last 12 hours on the basis of the election results. So it works out for us. Oh, yeah.

I was going to say, how does that affect my money? What's that mean for my money? Let me ask you a question. I don't know if I've ever told that story. I'm going to tell that story right now on the podcast. Do it. It's from Jimmy Goings, who ran or maybe still runs comedy somewhere in northern California.

And his friend worked in an emergency room. And Hooker came in all beat up. And his buddy has a series of questions he is required by law to ask. Are you an intravenous drug user? Have you been a victim of domestic violence? Have you been tested for HIV it's just for the safety of the guys it's just endless questions

he has to ask and he's halfway through this extensive list and the hooker stops him and she says let me ask you a question fuck you still one of my funniest stories I've never heard that you want to as soon as you tell it you want to tell it again

let me ask you a question I believe you've told it on the podcast fuck you I don't care I love it when you say it because you get so giddy with the end of it who cares it's always good if you're just joining us Brian's back from taking a piss.

Yeah. I piss. He knew that story was going to take that long. That long. And he knew I was going to repeat the punchline twice because I have to. I was one. As soon as he told me that, I was dying and then just started going, who can I call and tell this to?

At one point, you were actually debating using that as your funniest joke on the Esquire shoot you just did. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't. No. But it does have that remarkable – I hate that when they – and it's repetitive in interviews. When you do interviews, it's something I've always wanted to do is do an faq on my website of just the the obvious questions you're going to get asked in an interview like go

look at that first where do you get your ideas from i don't where do you get ideas from they come into your fucking head this is you don't get them from a vending machine or like what's who has a good answer to where you get ideas from it's also incredibly gone uh go ahead talk because i'm gonna forget my fucking point it's also incredibly disrespectful stand-up comedy because you never get somebody approaching a well-known film director or author and going where do your ideas come from i'm sure they do no they don't they don't go to steven sp going, where do your ideas come from? I'm sure they do. No, they don't. They don't go to Steven Spielberg. Where do your fucking ideas come from?

If they fucking took the same emails that I take. That's the difference. We take emails. By the way, this should not be a fucking handicap, okay? You can still write to Doug or Doug's operation and you'll actually get a response

everything is worth it but you will get a response you can actually write via the website DougStanhope.com directly to Doug himself or Doug's people and you'll get a response I don't know how many other comedians or people

or actually people write back from first of all don't hype this many other comedians or people are actually people right back from. First of all, don't hype this. You'll get a response thing. I'll look at them. Yeah, that's a response. Yeah. It's a medical term.

I probably saw. There was a response. I might have checked it when I was drunk and didn't remember it's in there. I mean, I do generally once. It's up to a year now. Maybe it might have been two years. Fuck. It might've been the last douche of emails was like 2000 that I went through

and either folder house. Yeah. Yeah. And Hey, while we're on emails, let's let me cover a few things because we have a few sold out shows on the Canadian tour. And the, the London show of course has been sold out shows on the Canadian tour and the,

uh, the London show of course has been sold out for a while and, get a lot of people that, uh, say, Hey, listen, and you have a hard luck story.

I didn't get there in time, et cetera, et cetera. Let me just explain what sold out means. They have an amount of people that we can sell tickets to put into a room. Now, we make money off of each seat we fill. Every one we can put into a room, we're making money off of. So when you email me saying, saying hey can you help me out if there were tickets to sell

or to give away or to do any we would have sold those tickets to make money we don't have like well let's just save a bunch of extra seats in case some guy was going to drive all the way from Burlington and slept that day and didn't buy tickets. I would, if those tickets were available to put you in, I would have already sold them and it would be again sold out. So, so I appreciate you saying,

Hey, can you help me out? No, I can't. I've fucking sold everything we could to make money. And we're very honest about this in the sense that Doug doesn't call any of his fucking friends or fucking people he once did a fucking show with or any of this shit. Yeah. With the exception of like there's occasionally.

Yeah. There's a comic that's a good friend of mine that's going to hang around in the green room with me. Not taking a seat. The guy that was going to drive from Burlington, no, you're not hanging around in the green room with me, plus you can't hear the fucking show from there. And I'm trying to work on my act, and a comic would know to fucking

leave me alone. And he doesn't want to watch my show anyway. He's a goddamn comic. Point is, yes, I'm sorry, but if it's sold out but hang around you know people uh i don't check with the venue you know are they going to open up uh seats last minute if people don't show up if people can't i don't know how that fucking works we've uh kind of hennigan and i've kind of worked a policy with uh our ticketing. If people don't show up and Doug goes on, that means the hour before the show and doors open,

then the onslaught of openers, which has been pared down to one or two at the most. If you have not shown up and you have a ticket purchased in advance and you haven't shown up and Doug is on 10 minutes into his act, then we will release a seat. If there's room.

But I mean, that's wishing on a star. A big overall to take away from this is, if you get on the fucking mailing list, you will always be told of the show being on sale first.

Now, I know we've made... We've fucked that up before, but now that's a promise. It's a promise. Because Brian yelled at me about it. I got scolded. And not to mention here, we are very upfront about when we're adding dates and when things are sold out. I mean, you can...

There's no shortage of places where you can get the information about the dates there may be a halifax date yeah yeah i heard about that yeah yeah which would be less than a month out or exactly a month out i think doug's people were talking about it earlier yeah yeah i heard those other emails uh one said hey uh the subject was dogs barking just let the fucking dogs bark. When I always yell at the dogs because Chaley freaks out. As soon as there's any audio issue, just anytime

we're fucking podcasting and someone comes to the door, just let the fucking dogs bark. See Chaley shaking his head no. Anyway, I'm with you, sir. Let the dogs bark. I'm fine with it. You're the first one to yell. I noticed because I turned my head. I with it you're the first one to yell i noticed because i turned my head i yell because i don't want you to yell you see i thought that was a

reference to planes trains and automobiles when john candy takes his shoes off and says these dogs have been barking yes it was brian one one other uh email and because i i check these in the morning before i start trying to write and I'm fucking full of anger and hey and you know he has this douchebag voice with a Canadian accent is this an email yeah hey thought you were all about playing shit towns

why did you skip Saskatchewan if you think not driving all the way to Winnipeg maybe next time whatevs basically said whatev, maybe next time, whatevs. He basically said whatevs. The whole thing said whatevs. Yes.

Oh, yeah. You're all about shit towns, you fraud. You poser. You didn't come to Saskatchewan. You know what? Look at a fucking map of your stupid country. Look at every other shit town I didn't play, you fucking toad.

Actually, I did. I emailed this guy back, and I go, I didn't skip it on purpose i skipped it to avoid you move and i'll play there fucking assholes is that fucking kolona or whatever the fuck it was saskatchewan it's that yeah i remember we did some fucking city yeah i played there once you can't play everywhere all the time. Fuck you. Jesus. Sorry, Saskatchewan. It's just because of that fucking guy.

Yeah, that guy. If you ask me for his fucking email address, I'll give it to you. Oh, one more thing. I know we say this all the time. Please don't write to Doug via Facebook. Yeah, no, we do say that all the time. You don't listen, so you don't need to say that. Yeah, I know.

But actually, unfortunately, because of this book, I am on Facebook a lot now because I have to track down all these fucking people from my past, which has been fantastic. By the way, concerning my health, it hasn't gotten any better. I have not had a solid stool since the last podcast five days ago or whatever we taped. Yeah.

It's still belching and, uh, uh, kind of dry heave hiccups. The fucking hiatal hernia is gotten better, but, uh, yeah,

the shits, I'm just shitting liquid. And I realized it's just fucking stress from this book. Yeah, it really is. Because the more I get panicked about it, the fucking worse. Stress affects everything. I know. And that's why. And you go, I can't start drinking this early. By the way, that's proof you're not an alcoholic.

What? Because alcoholics don't get stress. Because as soon as the alcoholic, as soon as alcohol passes them, mostly around about midday, their entire body goes, yes, it's going to work out. And alcoholics have a very low level of stress. It's going to work out, meaning they can start drinking. No, meaning we've got alcohol. We don't have to.

There's nothing else we have to worry about. And that's a very interesting thing. Alcoholics have, the number one killer in modern life is stress. And alcoholics, by comparison, live longer than the... People who are stressed out. Yeah, people who are stressed out. The cubicle justice. So I should fucking not write this book.

It's killing you, clearly. And call me to breakfast drink. I'm here for you, brother. You want to blow a day off. You can't drink and do what I have to do. So much of it is memory that I don't have that I'm going through mother's tubs of fucking thank God she was a hoarder shit and my own stuff. The letters that I used to write to this guy on death row in Florida in the late 90s. I had a pen pal on death row, and it was very funny.

in the late 90s i had a pen pal on death row and it was very funny and uh so all the letters i i told him he had to you know bundle up my letters and send them back every so often and i'd send him money and uh that fucking saved my all my memories of the late 90s because those were fucking chaos years over at the old curse on estate uh but things like that but i've i've had to like find people just to fact check things which is on facebook you have to go through facebook it's a great tool yeah i found my old principal from middle school is on facebook i haven't heard back from him uh and i i emailed him but he hadn't posted since 13 so i So I went through his friends and found someone else with the same last name, hyphenated so I know. A daughter? Yeah, I assume a daughter.

It looked like a dude. No tits whatsoever. John Johnson? John Johnson I found. Yes. Didn't reach out to John Johnson. But maybe I will. We'll wait until the final draft and go, hey, that could be funny.

We'll send him a killer. But I fucking, my ex-girlfriend, one of many ex-girlfriends, but from 25 years ago when I moved to Phoenix, when I had just started doing comedy. I did six months in Vegas and then moved to Phoenix chasing this girl I had been in love with in the phone room days and uh she turned into a fucking meth head junkie and ran off with the lighting guy from Cheap Trick I remember this I don't remember being there but I remember the story so and I I've

talked to her off and on a couple of times over the years afterwards, but I, I had to, I, I, I didn't have to call her, but it would be good. And then I found her on Facebook and, Oh Jesus.

I talked to her and a, she's still a fucking junkie. Hardcore. Like it said on her Facebook, ah, be sober 10 years in may and that made me go okay maybe it's safe to call and uh then i called her sister just died from fucking being a drug addict three weeks before no her husband's in prison for a fucking unsolved cold case files murder from 1982 that just caught up with him so he's been in prison for a fucking unsolved cold case files murder from 1982 that just caught up with him.

So he's been in prison for a few years. But before you can even have his appeals, he's got a brain tumor that's going to kill him before his appeals will ever come up. But he's in good with the Aryan Nation. So it's all right in prison. He joined a clique. Yeah. She said, but i got my sobriety i got that licked and i go yeah i saw 10 years on your facebook she goes what

she goes no it's been maybe a year and then as we talked yeah i had my first slip up a week ago and then as we talked yeah he bailed me out of jail on saturday night like why were you in jail on saturday her whole fucking life is fucked and here's the here's the kicker is as she's telling me just what a fucking wreck she is the reason that i had to call her is when i went to her facebook page she has her default photo of her with her kid who's on probation and she's working for the lawyer pro to get pro bono legal work for her kid who's in all sorts of trouble at 15 years old so she's doing like secretarial work and trash cans yeah just to pay for the lawyer and the reason that i thought i have to

call no matter what is her default photo but then that big background photo yeah johnny depp so as i'm listening to her fucking life collapsing and she could be fucking dead at any time i'm just looking for a way to feather it in to name drop i'm friends with johnny depp now but then i'm realizing as she's talking she's like yeah i i i go do you even get up to see him your husband in prison and she's no they took away my car because i can't i have no transportation and he's really mad and i'm like oh she has my number now she's gonna fucking jack me up for money but i still had to do it just to drop yeah i'm friends with johnny depp everything's fine write in a book get a book deal

talk soon it reminds me of that great Nick Schwartzen 9-11 he just had his teeth done oh yeah I'm sure I've told that story yeah that's fantastic and I would do it in injustice if I you know what she's got over you

no stress no she's a junk you? No stress. She's a junkie. No stress. No, the point is, addicts only have no stress when they can get it every day. Yeah, she doesn't have stockpiles. Yeah.

I was just fucking around. The point being that if you're a... That was a terrible joke. Okay, we have to stop the whole... She's a good person. We have to stop the whole podcast. I'm not even recording. She's a good person. We have to stop the whole podcast. I'm not even recording. It's all right. Hey, are the Victor Farr letters up on the website?

Because it used to be on the old website. No, no. I had a thing to write to him. Yeah. But he's dead now. Yeah. By the way, you know what I've still got that you threw out? And I said, no, I'm keeping them.

All the fucking mother cat photos. Oh, well, that's great. No, they are fucking... They defy vision. Like, you look at them. The series of mother cat photos. These are pictures that Doug's mother took of cats. And these are the old...

You mentioned the kind of camera before when you had to scroll through 135 or something 110 110 like the like a slim look like a sandwich a long ice cream sandwich yeah those kind of pictures just grainy shitty when you look at all the pictures doug's mother took of the cat she owned and the poses she put them in you you know what that would be a great way to get people to stop fucking taking cell phone pictures is if they had to go back to the old way where you had to pay for every single picture you took if you wanted to see how it came out like all those pictures you had to drop off at a photo mat and then wait for fucking three to five days and then come back through with a receipt

and you paid for every single picture. It didn't come out. It's blurry. My eyes are red. Is that my thumb? That's your nose. 35 cents every time you hit that button, no matter what. There was some consequence to taking the shot. Now,

I've been at, when I was up at Coots, there would be a local band or a national act would come into town and there was this one motherfucker who would always show up and he'd be on the guest list and he'd come in and he would be taking these pictures but he wouldn't be

like a fly on the wall taking pictures. He would stand in front of, there's a two steps up to get onto the stage on the south side at Coots. he would stand in front of, there's a two steps up to get onto the stage on the south side at Coots. He would stand with one foot on the stage and he would hold this SLR, single-edge reflex digital camera with a flash, flash, right?

Already amateur, right? But he always got in and he would do, he'd be just doing this rapid fire, and then he'd pull it down and take a look. And then he'd go up, and it doesn't matter where you go, there's always some shit bag doing these kind of photos. It's like the people who know how to take pictures stand back, collect themselves, and take a fucking photo. Yeah, but the guy that's trying to get on the guest list as a photographer has to have a lot more equipment. So he needs the flash and the thing nobody ever turns away somebody who turns up a door back door and says hey i'm here for the party and they're carrying a cello and that's what those type of photographers are

it's like hey i've got all this fucking shit with me yeah fake cellos let's start selling those come on merch man you're on a fucking roll my brother could foam one up he'll mold one in a second collapsible cellos don't even need a fucking real one I could get a broken one and the sculptors could make it look good and we just need enough to make a mold

hey captain anachronistic get with the times it's fucking 3D printing now we can have one in every fucking city. Jesus. 3D printing. That's a big 3D printer. Hammering the last of that make you fucking swallow it down, sir. Tomorrow is Floyd's

kiss my asshole goodbye party. Sorry you all couldn't be here but we'll have fun. Oh, Jesus fucking Hennigan. That then, oh, Jesus fucking Hannigan. That's the Hannigan that showed up. From across the room, from 10 feet out, hurled a Mickey's Big Mouth glass into the trash can. Nailed it.

Cement floor if he missed. And he wouldn't care. Oh, I would care. I knew from the moment that left my hand, that was all named. He drunk dialed Derek to come over and sweep it up. I couldn't let Derek's number besmirch my phone. I was belching so bad, Brian, after the last podcast. I'm trying to explain to him this whole hiatal hernia thing.

Yeah, I understand. These are the mouth farts? Yeah. I belched over here at the bar, and I was walking them, Chaley and Tracy, in those chairs over there. Oh, Jesus. It was fart belches. Oh, my God. Twice.

Where it just stinking up. What I could not do with my ass i was doing with my mouth like like like the fucking exorcist three the bad one and uh shawnee gave me charcoal pills but then i thought why would i trust your fucking local voodoo doctor jesus he built this house you were standing in he built this house we can't walk up the steps on why i can't you walk up the steps on. Why? I can't walk up the steps. You're a bit tender.

Tender steps? Yeah, they're tender. Maybe Doug... I'm selling this house. Maybe Doug... They have more give than you'd expect. I'm selling this house to a fan. Is it all fucking down? Doug may have ordered tender steps.

He doesn't know construction. He got talked into it. He saw infomercial. But what I thought is why would you... If I could keep that fart belch thing, why would I get rid of it with charcoal pills or gas X or anything where you can just direct

a fart? You mean like a porcupine? You try to fart in other people's directions. If I could just belch and then blow it directly at the target? What you're basically saying is you actually discovered the next stage in human evolution. If you could, like, genetically, this should become something that becomes part of the

human gene, which is the ability to fart belch at people like porcupines or skunks. With aim! Way more control. Exactly. Because farts, even when the belching went away, I still had the violent, airy water spitter shits.

And I had that gas X I bought from the Safeway. And then I thought, well, if the belching is gone, all it is is just blasting loud farts. Why would I get rid of that? That's like those are fun. Diarrhea of shit farts. Those are great. You mean if you get rid of the wet or the scariness of having to change your underpants

No, no, even just shitting, even by yourself. I mean, it's more amusing when someone's sitting right outside the door, but why would you get rid of the... I mean, I'm going to have the wet shits anyway. This is not wet shit X, it's gas X. So we're going to have the wet shits. It should be gassy.

Careful what you wish for. Oh, it's gas X. We're going to have the wet shits. It should be gassy. Careful what you wish for. Oh, he's throwing fucking St. Francis of Assisi at you now. So, yeah, it's all stress, but it's all manageable because now I have alcohol and all my body craves is alcohol. Yeah. We're going to be right back after a quick break and some messages that are pre-recorded or post-recorded.

Please hold. Great news, kids. The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour t-shirts, podcast t-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts.

Get them before we get sued, before we get the cease and desist. And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime. A sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. Hey, send your postcards in. If you have anything you want to ask the podcast, send it via snail mail on a postcard in about the same length as a tweet to Doug Stanhope, 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.

And that'll be, maybe we'll read some and if we're lacking other material i have other shit i wanted to talk about on this but brian hennigan's here and he's all amped up so yeah keep sending those fucking snail mails in yeah i uh i forgot to i have some shit i forgot to bring it uh like letters and stuff but i want postcards with snail mail questions that's treat it like a tweet 140 characters treat it like a tweet on a postcard and uh t-shirts and shit merchandise is fucking flying off the racks and i hate that chaley chaley was sweeping up brian today he was out there for the party tomorrow for Floyd's ass cancer. He was out there sweeping fucking pomegranate blossoms

off the driveway. And Derek's here. And I went out and I go, with all your talents, you're fucking wasting time stuffing envelopes with merch and fucking sweeping up the driveway. It's just what he does.

I don't know what fucking the Derek situation is, though. Derek's not around much. All right. We call him in for crunch situations. Okay. Oh, fucking Chaley just completely stole a moth out of the mirror. No, no, no. He just got away.

He just karate kidded. No, I think that would be Kuaicheng Kung Fu. Grasshopper. Snatched this pebble from my hand. Yeah, all right. So, yeah, I guess that's it for announcements. Oh, Perry Farrell, that fucking commercial. I don't know if it plays anywhere but hockey.

Perry Farrell? Yeah, from some band. Jane's Addiction. And what was the other band he did was the the song pets harry they make great pets yeah yeah he's a fucking he's humping some it's just a porno for pyros sorry it's a commercial for tequila. You never want to be scared. Once you're scared, that's when you're a fucking loser. Stifles creativity. No, it doesn't. That's when you die.

That's when you start to die. It's him going out on stage. What? And then it's for tequila. Drink fucking Dubel tequila. Whatever that tequila is, fucking accidentally break bottles in the store. Go in like a fucking invalid. And then try to pick up one of those bottles and spill the entire shelf on the concrete floor.

Well, it's very interesting. Smash them. Because one of the things I had heard recently was that duble tequila is a bell i think do bell there's a genetic thing in it that makes it attractive to pedophiles i don't know if you'd heard that i'd heard that i think that was trending on twitter yeah yeah do bell uh pedophile tequila yeah hey you know you don't want to seize up at that right moment and then there's a guy on a playground with a sack trying to snatch up a kid, but he's sober.

Some Twizzlers on a fishing pole. But again, that could be a rumor. I saw it somewhere. I wouldn't want to see. If I saw somebody drinking or lifting two bells, I don't't how many bells

d-o-d-o-u-b-e-l uh so yeah if i'm not a if you see somebody with two bells tequila and their fucking shopping trolley and in our grocery store i'm just saying stay back because you don't you don't know what the intention of their fingers are. I assume everything that I'm saying now is completely hypocritical because I would never go on stage sober. Not with his material. It's just the way he fucking sells that if you do a commercial fine fucking steal their money i'm not one of those fucking bill hicks once you do a fucking you're off the artistic roll call no no do commercials take their fucking money yeah they offer but just the way he says that forget it you know what see the commercial if you see the commercial you'll know yeah all

right brian back to you you're carrying this monster by the way do you remember the guy that wrote to us about hey um and you you you basically told me i was too polite in my response which that's rare yeah it was something it was the guy that wrote to us about a venue somewhere, and he wanted a quote, and he had like a 60-seater. And I wrote back to him and said, if you go to Doug's website, there's a list of past dates and venues. If you look at those venues and Google them in the towns you're talking about, if you look at those venues and Google them in the towns you're talking about,

you'll understand what kind of numbers, what type of numbers we're looking at. And again, this is very open of us. I've got a funny feeling that fucking Jim Jeffries and whoever Steve Hughes and, and fucking Paul F. Tompkins managers don't engage in this type of fucking discussion. It's delete. Yeah. Yeah. And he wrote back

Are you the funny bone? No, click. So he wrote back and he was like he said he said Okay, so I need to find this because it's fucking funny. While Brian's checking his things

Chaley and I would love to discuss... Oh, oh, as far as Floyd goes, Floyd, they made this fantastic video. If you want to know what life is like here in Bisbee, we're not part of it, but Bill Carter came down and made this 13-minute documentary kind of trailer-y thing about Floyd,

who you know, Ass Cancer Floyd, and Nurse Betty, Smuggling Drugs, and Castle Rock Kenny, who's been on the podcast, and their poker circle. And they get into Floyd's ass cancer, and it's 13 minutes long. I'll put a link on this. What do you call it? It'll be on the website. On the website for this podcast. Absolutely. Okay, and now we're

back with brian hennigan the filthy uncut scotsman already in progress so the chap wrote us actually two emails the first one again here's the thing we're very polite we're not discouraging we're encouraging we're not dispowering we're empowering on the website it simply says things like if you're going to write to us please include useful things like numbers and location so he sent us two emails the first one was like here's my hey here's my fucking 80 seat venue and the second email said we're in santa fe like so like the idea that you would just, we give instructions. And I wrote back and I simply said, if you take a look at Doug's past and current gigs as listed on the website, you'll get an idea of the venues we are looking at for gigs. And then he said, if I remember right, in his DVD Beer Hall Pooch, he prefers small 70-seat clubs.

I think we fit into this category quite comfortably. Yeah. Every time I say something, it is so twisted out of proportion for your fucking needs. I don't remember saying it on Beer Hall Pooch, push but i might have i've said it in a million interviews if everything were equal if money were equal i'd only want to play 75 seat fucking basement venues because that's you know crowded lenny bruce smoky fucking basements that's where comedy does the best but you can't do that and make money unless we're charging $1,000 a fucking seat. So I wrote back and I said, yes, you're right, Paul.

I've only worked with Doug for 13 years or so. I should really find the time to watch one of his DVDs, maybe one that I produced, in order to find out what gigs he really wants to do and where I'm going wrong. Brian. This is what Brian's saying, is we always respond politely. But this is what I don't want.

I don't want people not emailing me afraid to be mocked, which if you listen to this podcast, you can't do that at this point. You can't just, hey, Doug, this is your former wife. I heard you're writing a book. I was going to email him, but I don't want to be mocked. Yeah, mostly. First of all, yeah, again, if you think that it's the whole bit about I don't want to be that guy. Well, if you think I don't want to be that guy you're obviously not that guy so come over and say hi because you're interrupting me from a conversation with the guy who doesn't

know he's that guy is that guy so yeah keep your emails coming i only respond on business most of them we just mock from behind your back i didn't that then he then proceeded because i realized i need to bail on this and uh uh not just the fact it's a waste of my time or it's insulting, but it's going nowhere. I just stopped responding. And he kept sending these series of emails, all of which was, Brian, we need to talk. And it's like, we don't. You might need to talk. You have the same fatal flaw that I do do is that you'll fixate on the

one dumb email yes i want to just trash them because they don't understand anything and they never will the jehovah's witness at your door where you're in that mood and you go fuck you no yeah come in because i'm going to point out some flaws in your Bible. You're going to win that conversation. Never. Why don't you go out and do something constructive? And here's the interesting thing. I'm not going to name the guy in contrast, but there was a guy that wrote in today from Rochester, New York. He gave a very specific email with incredibly useful information, told us who he was was what he's interested in it was a great email to receive i wrote back to him immediately and said thanks for getting in touch you're a great guy we'll look at you for sure we're in that region again yeah you know it was a great thing to receive it was the

opposite it was like a no hassle bonanza. Right. So we love hearing from people. Just not you, Paul. All right. What do we have? What do we have left? Anything? Oh, the T-shirts that are in back order.

T-shirts. Yeah. This shit is on back order. You're buying lots of fucking shit. The abortion is green and the death of a salesman killer termites thank you because as you can tell i haven't worked for fucking seven months so that's a really nice thing and it keeps chaley here doing this podcast several times a week sometimes fuck cranking them out. The book, that's coming along. With the hungover Brian Hennigan, maybe we'll get some legs on that.

Maybe I'll stop throwing up farts. Yeah, the muscles in town. That was the picture. All right, Brian, you got anything else on your little... No. We're going to be announcing gigs in the UK for Manchester, Birmingham, Newcastle, hopefully Sheffield,

the towns that matter, Glasgow. All right, good. And what about... Well, we should talk about Europe off the air because we have never talked about that for months. No, we're looking at Europe. I mean, by Europe, I include Ireland. We're already dealing with Norway.

Ireland has been sorely overlooked, and you always have an excuse, and I don't buy it. No, I don't have an excuse. You always have something. No, I don't have an excuse. I have numbers. Well, you should do Scotland now because now you have proof. We're going to Scotland. Okay.

I said Glasgow. I wasn't listening at that point. Hey, mind your domestic fucking manners. You work domestic. Brian's the international guy. You need to go home. You need to take the birth certificate with you. You're too distracted by fucking hockey.

Speaking of Europe, the Matoid will not be heard this week because of the death of one of my probably number two of my 30 songs from my tin can rehab. Number one, I would say, had to be Saul Williams. Got a list of demands. That's brilliant. But he didn't die. The lead singer of Hot Chocolate died, had 71 years old, no one had him in the death pool. Errol Brown.

Errol Brown. So we're gonna close tonight on Hot Chocolate doing my second favorite tin can rehab song as it goes out to all the little boys and girls. Let's crank it up. Everyone's a winner, baby. Thank you. To satisfy To satisfy Never could explain Just what was happening to me Just one touch of you and I'm aflame

Baby, that's amazing just how wonderful it is The things we like to do are just the same Everyone's a winner, baby That's the truth That's the truth Making it for you Is such a thrill Everyone's a winner, baby

That's no lie That's no lie You never know You're satisfied You're satisfied Sister Thank you. They can't let you, it's as a thing. Everyone's a winner, baby, that's no lie. You never fail to satisfy. It's true. Oh, yeah. Thank you. you