The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#74: Floyd's "Kiss My Asshole Goodbye" Party

Episode Date: May 13, 2015

Doug hosts a send off party for Floyd's cancer riddled colon.Recorded May 08, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Floyd (@ArizonaLizards), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-"ALL IN" Floyd Video - https://vimeo.com/127110255Miners & Merchants Antiques - http://on.fb.me/148EdNeStanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "How Are We Supposed to Live Without You?" by Michael Bolton on HBO's Last Week with John Oliver. Mishka Shubaly music available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight And it's the Floyd's Kiss My Asshole Goodbye Party

live podcast with Floyd and Chad Shank and Greg Chaley and a team of partygoers who celebrate... Hooray! and Greg Chaley, and a team of party goers who celebrate... Hooray! Celebrating the removal of Floyd's sphincter anus rectum. You explained it last time. Yes, I did explain it last time. They're just going to...

You want me to go into detail? It's, you know, they're going to kind of gut me like a fish. Core him like an apple? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Immediately, neighbor Dave is starting to fucking talk from the cheap seat. You can't talk off mic because no one will understand what you're saying. There's listeners involved here, Dave.

It's not just the room. What were we talking about? I'm just setting it up. Floyd's high as shit. No! We're all high as shit. Anyone sitting in this room is high as

shit. Not a lot of ventilation going on. It was against your will, Floyd. I'm feeling good, and I feel very supported. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you for being here. Say goodbye.

I wish you could see, there'll be a picture up. Actually, that should be the fucking thumbnail for the podcast is Betty's cake. Betty made a ass cancer cake for Floyd. Two round bun, like full cake ass cheeks with toilet paper underwear around. Real underwear as around the cheeks.

Puddled around it, yeah. Three maraschino cherries in the asshole for hemorrhoids. it, yeah. Three maraschino cherries in the asshole for hemorrhoids. It's graphic and grotesque and just so beautifully done. What's that cake reality show? Cake Boss.

That should be some, that's Cake Boss shit right there. That's real underwear? It's real underwear. Someone offered that it might be Neighbor Dave's because the cake's that big. We'll bust into that. So your wife was supposed to be here, which I thought was going to ratchet down the fun by at least 80%. It could be awkward because

she doesn't drink and stuff like that. She wouldn't want you getting high, which you're not. Which I'm not. I'm just sitting in a room. Sitting in a room, my own business, breathing. Contact highs are nobody's fault, Doug.

So it is Friday, and on Monday is the big surgery. Tuesday. Tuesday. Yeah, they put it off a day. Oh, so we didn't even have to have this party. We could have had it on Sunday. Well, you have some shit you have to go through before. Yeah, some real fun stuff.

You've got to face the law. No, Dave, you can't talk. Seriously. I have to breathe some more. No, wait, no. I have to concentrate for one fucking thing. So stop it, Chad. Sorry, I was trying to... I have to drink a gallon of some kind of stuff

that makes me shit like a goose until... Magnesium citrate. Yeah, magnesium citrate. No talking off mic! And I had to take it when they did the colonoscopy, too, and it just, it just, miserable. You have to sit on the john, and in those days of getting up, you just have to get back down, you know, for several hours, you know.

And that's after fasting all day, so they're nice and healthy and clean when they come to, you know. Yeah, you don't want to go in dirty. Clean when they come to, you know. Yeah, you don't want to go in dirty. I wish girls would drink a gallon of that before they go out on a Saturday night. Just be respectful. So Tuesday you go in. Yep, Tuesday I go in, and then apparently they're going to give me epidural,

like you have pregnant women when they're having babies and stuff, and then they're going to shove a tube down my throat of some kind, and they're going to, you know. Where's the part where they put you to sleep? Oh, yeah, that's right. Is that first? They do that first, I hope. Oh, good.

It depends on whether you drink all the magnesium citrate or not. Why'd they have to tell me? Why couldn't they just say, who went to the lab part out? Why didn't they have to tell me they're going to have to do that? Well, someone on Twitter, after we had our last podcast, posted a photograph of the aftermath of having your asshole taken out. Yeah, it's not pretty.

It was horrific. Thanks for sharing. Yeah. And you actually told me on the phone that you had second thoughts about even getting the surgery. Fuck it. I'll just have cancer. I have that. Based on that photograph.

Based on a lot of things. That comes up. I call it my bail safe mode. You know, when I think, oh, I still got time. I got four days to go to Mexico and disappear. You know, because that's how it feels a lot of the time. I just want to bail. Yeah. How much of that is the ask answer?

How much of that is having a sober wife? She'll never hear this. Shit. I don't know. I love it. But, you know, whatever. Yeah, well, yeah, I had that feeling before they asked answer to I'm sure she has too you know

bail safe is not a new term she was she was sober when I met her you know I mean I knew she was sober at the time and we just you know I don't we had things in common that worked really good you know so you know we just, you know, we had things in common that worked really good, you know.

List a few of those. Sex. Sex has always been a really good one, yeah. Oh, man. 21 years of always being attracted to each other. How do you think that's going to go with the bag?

How's that going to go with the bag? There's going to be a number two. How's that going to go with the bag? Can you gracefully slip off the colostomy bag if you want to bang your wife? Throw a cork in it? That's just probably not going to happen. I don't know. That's not my problem, is it? Sorry. We have several people here wearing colostomy bags out of a sense of solidarity. Kind of like the locks of love.

Yes. And we have the pinata yet to be busted. You get to break the pinata. What does the pinata have in it, by the way? Nobody told me. It's probably ass cancer related. I can't wait. I think it's a lot of things you, yeah, things you'd find in poop.

Candy corn, circus peanuts. Stuff like that. Little red things you can't figure out what were. Yeah, so we have, yeah, the piñata actually is wearing a colostomy bag full of candy poop. And, yeah, this is our first Ask Cancer party, and we're discussing how we continue this every year. Floyd thinks every year the big loser.

Someone should step up. Yeah, and have their asshole taken out. And their cheeks stapled shut. their asshole taken out and their cheeks stapled shut that should that i now i'm debating which picture should be for this podcast that horrific picture of the aftermath of this and the cake maybe a split screen with the cake funny ass cancer oh before before and after. So, yeah, at some point we'll open up the floor to the fourth mic people. A lot of fucking Gino left. He snuck out.

But he's like, well, so what's going to happen? Like, when he has, I go, don't ask me. So, yeah, we'll open up the floor to questions or. Sure. Just neighbor Dave's gibberish. I should have brought the catalog over. I have a whole catalog of different colostomy accessories, you know, different sizes and shapes. But any fun styles?

Nothing really, you know, nothing stylish at all. I could use a little work. Brian was in a mood about the flesh-toned colostomy bags. Everyone brought colostomy bags. Yeah, we could have a contest to see who would come up with the best-looking colostomy bag. Brian was upset about the flesh-toned colostomy bag because— But not the clear? Or clear. But he's like, it's not shameful.

They should be loud and pink and bright, so fuck you. And he's making the throw the colostomy bag in your face motion. Fuck you. It should have flowers on it. That went a little Irish right there. Can we go back for a second? Floyd, you said that they have like a SkyMall for colostomy bags? Well, yeah, yeah.

It's like merch? It is. It has just all kinds of different sizes and shapes and ones that do all kinds of different things. Some of them have carbon filters so that people can't smell your farts. That shouldn't be limited. You can leave it off. They don't have that for regular people. They just have it for...

That's fucked up. They should have a jet airstream. Your farts are somehow worse than mine. You should have some kind of jet stream where you can direct the fart. It's coming out of your side now. You just open your jacket. And that's just the fact that you say

it has a whole fucking merch website. It seems very complicated to me. I wouldn't i i could never i'm too irresponsible to have i'd be trying to circumvent it like have it in a bucket while i watch tv or something or i'm too tired to put on that at least you're not a chick where you're worried about that's really that looks too big for me okay here's here's i think i'm a small. I'm not a large. No way. Give me the large. Here's the thing. A lot easier to light. What's that?

Farts. Farts. Oh, lighting farts. Boom. Right here. It's perfect. Get a little burner on it. Yeah, we're going to do some.

What if it went inside and then that would be the most amazing suicide ever. Internal combustion from lighting your own fart from a stoma. All of a sudden, Chad's interested. Maybe I could deal with it. Hey, Floyd, can I borrow your catalog when you're done with it? Hey, Floyd, can I borrow your catalog when you're done with it? Yeah. You know, I just thought of that. I mean, the physiology of this whole thing is what's disgusting and amazing at the same time.

I mean, I'm sure you run the gamut. But there must – you said they have a charcoal filter. So I just realized there must be some way to port the air that is filling in that bag so that you basically just have the wet matter, correct? Yeah, it's got little valves that let off air. It starts to get a little puffy like I do after a Thanksgiving dinner.

You just kind of port like a valve or something. It's kind of like a little whoopee cushion on your chest. You can fart at will. I'm going to save this one. Silver lining all the time. A little kazoo sound. An adapter with a kazoo on it. I'll be secondary markets.

Very few areas of capitalism left. If I was in the business, I would design really cool colostomy bags. First of all, I think just listening to you, I think you're already in the business. Your head is in the business. You're going to be Floyd the Colostomy King, and you're going to be selling bags, all sorts of crazy bags, wacky bags.

How much would you expect to pay bags? Yeah, like a bedazzler. I can make colostomy bags so-Bakes So in People would actually You know, have them So they could wear them You know I think you I think you could sell it

Yeah, I think we sell it I think we have a new sponsor The shitbag clothing line Floyd Floyd Shit Shack I like the sound of that No, I like the Shitbags Designer shit. Shitbags.

Designer shitbags. Shitbags for shitbags. Shitbags. All right. Well, let's take a break and load up on cocktails. And we're having chili dogs and we'll make mudslides later. It's all poop themes, poop related. Ask Cancer Party Central. We'll be back after these messages. It's all poop themes, poop related, ass cancer, party central.

We'll be back after these messages. Great news, kids. The much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour T-shirts, podcast T-shirts. We have pop-off, podcast t-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts. Get them before we get sued. Before we get the cease and desist.

And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime. A sad tragic bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawl space.

Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. You're taking anyone as well. What? Mudslide. Oh, thank you. Mudslide. Mixed animal.

Yeah. mudslide mudslide okay ladies and gentlemen to Floyd's asshole many fine returns my asshole and I both thank you very much what are you going to miss most about your asshole Floyd oh god I thought about it already. You know, and farting has to be, like, number one. We've been talking about it a lot on the podcast.

Can't argue with that. Well, I'm sorry, but, you know, it's one of the things in life that's kind of fun to do, actually. In the colostomy bag SkyMall, do they have valves that allow you to fart whenever you want, different sounds? Well, like I said, we maybe could customize something. I see. That was the whole idea, to have a customized bag holder or something. Because you're not the only one who's going to miss farts. So, I mean, you could make a…

You could make one that whistles and does fun things. Shawnee, is Shawnee here? Yeah, Shawnee can make anything. Shawnee can make anything. Shitbag, Shawnee. It's a real thing. He can auto-tune it. I was thinking something in a steampunk style.

Steampunk? With tubes. Did you ever see Brazil? That thing that De Niro's wearing in Brazil with all the tubes. Oh, no. Yeah, De Niro was wearing it. Okay, I'm too old. You don't remember that?

No, no. Brazil is one of my favorite movies of all time. I know exactly what you're talking about. But you and Shawnee were actually talking about at the break when you... Floyd just went out and busted open the pinata. It was lots of fun. He mooned the crowd for the last time. Actually, I hope...

What do you mean? I'd rather see you moon than when it's... If it's as graphic as that photograph that was tweeted, what your surgery is going to look like, that's the moon. That's a steampunk moon. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back with the new moon next year and we'll see.

All stapled up. Imagine an ass. If you haven't seen the photograph that someone tweeted, I guess you could just Google search aftermath of ass cancer surgery. Imagine a loaf of bread rising out of it uh between two ass cheeks and then staples giant staples through that that's the moon i want to

see i you i want to see you moon kids frankenstein's ass it'd be worth the you know sexual predator label that you get from mooning children on the playground with that ass. I think we could work with it. Give it a steampunk look and it'd get by. I think you just need to be, you know, a little help. But that's what I was getting to. You and Shawnee were talking about designing a bag holder, a steampunk bag holder. Yeah.

With tubes going from the bag up over your shoulders mad max style yeah so so you as you uh evacuate it would be pumped through clear tubes like bubbling over his shoulder yeah could you could you make that? Wouldn't that be cool? Someone who does neon work could make it glass. Or just like an aquarium bubbler. Because we want low pressure. We don't want him walking around. That thing gets out of control. You know how those vacuum tubes work in old department stores

where they wanted to send something? Oh, the old bank tubes. Yeah, old bank tubes. Pneumatic tubes. Pneumatic tubes. Pneumatic. There, you got the word right there. That's what we need. There you go. Steampunk pneumatic. We have a chorus out there to help us.

Oh, you weren't here for the rules. You can't talk off mic because no one can hear you. But no, that's alright. You can jump on a mic and interrupt at any point. Alright, so yeah, we're going to make this an open town hall meeting for Floyd because a lot of people have questions about what's going to happen next, how does it work, or if you just want to fuck with Floyd,

we're going to open up a mic. So at any point, step up and we'll, yeah, step up to Chaley and you're on the air. Yeah. Step up to Chaley and you're on the air. Betty fucking this cake, the cake you made. Absolutely. How do we describe that cake?

It's got everything. It's got little flowers for ass hair where the tailbone would be. What else is that? Step up, Betty. I think the flowers are a metaphor for the after surgery to where there will be no smell. Chaley has got it. You got it on.

There is no asshole in that cake. Just the flower. It's got hemorrhoids, though. It does. You want to try one? It's a hemorrhoid. It's a maraschino hemorrhoid. Floyd's eating his own ass.

And the underwear, by the way, is courtesy of Gabe. We were wondering, because that's a pretty large size. It's Gabe's underwear. What is the smattering of nuts, Betty? Oh, that's coconut dipped in chocolate. But don't men have hair on their asses?

You know what? I was expecting a hairier ass on Floyd. I didn't know until he mooned us. If I had known, I wouldn't have put so much. Yeah, I think he's Kenny's dad. His ass is so hairless and smooth.

He's no Kenny, but it was a pretty smooth ass. Let me tell you, I was always kind of hairless down there, but the chemo will also knock a lot of that off. I didn't lose at all, but I lost a good deal of hair. I didn't lose my eyebrows, though. You notice? Your eyebrows are foul.

I didn't lose a single eyelash. Some of those eyebrows have to be original. They're like redwoods, you they got rings yeah yeah those are great eyebrows yeah nothing up top left you uh for the people who did not see the uh the video we're gonna we'll link that to this podcast as well with uh betty who's been on the podcast nurse betty and her prison stories you all you're all telling the truncated versions of your stories. Castle Rock, Kenny, they filmed him up on Castle Rock. It's a great 13-minute teaser trailer for this documentary

that Bill Carter shot. It's fantastic. Margo McClellan is the director credited to it on Vimeo. And she's the one who posted it. You look under Margo, and it on Vimeo. And she's the one who posted it. You look under Margo, and it's called All In. And we have a link on the last podcast, and it's on your website. Yeah, I put it on both my personal and other Facebook professional,

which I never use. So anytime you hear this, it's probably in the last six things I put on Facebook other than selling merch and plugging dates. So, yeah, thank you, Betty. And it's great to have everybody here. Beautiful cake. It's even got the paper, the toilet paper. Is that edible, the paper, or is that real toilet paper? It's rice paper.

Yeah, give it a shot. No, no, no. That's the only thing that's not edible. You can't eat the toilet paper. I can eat Gabe's underwear. But you can drink it. Yeah, give it a shot. No, no, no. That's the only thing that's not edible. You can't eat the toilet paper. I can eat Gabe's underwear. But you can drink the, yeah, you can do that, but you can drink what's in the colostomy bag. That's just tea and chocolate. Oh, yum, yum.

I fell for that before once, too. Yeah. Betty, what flavor is it? Betty, what flavor is it? It's, I don't know what flavor it is, but it's red like the inner of a gluteus maximus, I would imagine. Okay. There's no veins running through it.

Could be. You know? All right. So are you terrified? Well. I want to bring this back down. I have a lot of fear, and I just can't let it wrap me up because it won't do any good. It's like when you get on an airplane.

I mean, an airplane can crash, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But once you've been on a few, you don't think about it. Every time I get on an airplane, I think they're definitely going to carve my asshole out and sew it shut. Well, they might. Because they guaranteed that by booking this class. No, it's not like an airplane at all,

Floyd. That analogy does... You don't fly sadistic airlines? I'm not so much worried about losing my ass as dying. I'd rather, you know, live without my ass and live, you know, that's why. That, as dying. I'd rather, you know, live my, we'll help my ass and live, you know,

that's why. That's so weird. I just, is there anyone else on my side where you'd go? No, I think I'll just die of cancer. It'd be fine. If I just take,

there's some people in the house or I'm completely on your side. Cause my question would be, then you enjoy the parts of other parts of your life enough that this is worth it to go through because that's my thing. Oh, that too. That too. Plus, if I was 10 years older, I could absolutely do that. I would not go through it because I figure there's not much. Being a gambler, I know the risk against.

He does the math. I do the math. He's 64. He does the math. How many? He's 64. And what the odds are living through it and blah, blah, blah, and go through all this shit. But I figure, you know, I got time enough to do some more partying later on and having fun with my friends, and that's what I fucking want to do. Two things about Floyd that amazed me.

A, initially, quit drinking right that day. Boom. I'm done. And he's, Floyd's the town drunk. You're like, Floyd's not going to quit drinking. I'm a town drunk. I'm a town drunk. Come on, it's busy, right?

I mean that in the fun, happy, like, that's the guy I look up to. I want to be that drunk when I'm that age guy. And A, not only did you quit immediately, B, you had a plan in place for when you're going to start drinking again. I think a year from the surgery, I figure I can start getting loaded again. It's true. I'm not even sure I would do that

I'm not sure if I'm going to start again then or when whenever I think it's safe you know basically one of the things in the video if you watch it you haven't seen it yet oh you have?

you get teared up about Floyd. Like, Floyd shows human emotion we don't allow. I was inspired by Floyd. I don't think I've ever been inspired, or it's been a long time. I took a walk because I saw Floyd walking his dog on the video, and I was like, oh, I want to walk my dog. It's a very inspiring video, even for sociopaths. It's hard not to like a dog.

You know. All right, the floor is opened up. Reverend Derek would like to say something. Well, on the topic of when you'll start drinking again, if you go to stage four, will you use the stoma to stick mini bottles in? No. Will that even work? Yeah, that's an exit only.

Exit only, sir. I'm getting that tattooed over my stoma. Hey, creepy. This stoma's exit only, weirdo. What are you, a fag? Don't you get super drunk if you stick alcohol up your ass? You get drunk really fast? I've only done it when I'm really drunk, so.

Is that called no-sum game? Is that how you use that expression? I think my question's answered. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Reverend Derrick. Thank you, Reverend Derrick. Well, I don't stick things up or down my ass.

I don't think. Floyd just said, I don't stick things up or down my ass. Down my ass? Well, we are looking. That's how it's going to be. Give me a whole new perspective on life. I've got to be able to look at my asshole now it's oh yeah yeah i thought of that today while i was wiping my ass yeah seriously and i thought oh jesus floyd has to see this that's the great thing about shitting as horrific as it might be

you don't see it your face the other way now Floyd's going to have to wake up and go, oh, jeez, oh, fucking sushi doesn't agree with me, and stare at it. Stare at the result. It could be interesting. I hope for many more podcasts to come. Well, we'll see how it goes. It's the last part

of my life. I just have to adjust. Unless I bail between now and then. Yeah, you still have a couple days. I got four days to bail. So you're saying this should be a cliffhanger podcast. Could be. Yes. a cliffhanger podcast. Could be. It's a cliffhanger either way, isn't it?

That was in the video, Floyd's talking about walking his dogs and I've never been in this good a mood and I go out and I just look into the sky and it's you playing with your dog I do feel pretty good most of the time I felt especially good

at that time because I'd just gotten done with the chemo and the radiation and it just, man I just, I do feel I've been in a better mood than I have been in years. Relatively good. Yeah. Overall good. As long as I don't start, you know, getting the fear thing going, you know, and anxiety or whatever, you know.

Yeah, which is when you drink, but you aren't drinking. You don't even have that default. I always drink to, you know, calm the anxiety and, you know, shit like that. I used to smoke a lot of pot to calm anxiety. I did for years and years, but it got to where I couldn't smoke pot anymore. It would give me anxiety. Now you just hang out in rooms where people are smoking pot.

Well, the nicotine kind of edges it off a little bit. Yeah, it's pretty thick in here. Everyone's going to get some kind of cancer just from being in this room. And it's not just out of sympathy cancer. I got this lump for

Floyd. No, no. It was the room. Yeah. But a couple of people I noticed are wearing sympathy colostomy bags tonight, and I really appreciate that. Thank you, Reverend Derrick. Anyone else on the mic?

Anyone else would like to? No? All right. Questions about Floyd's colostomy bag? None. I guess no one gives a shit. Yes, you can. Hang on. Get over to the microphone. Town a shit. Yes, you can.

Hang on. Get over to the microphone. Town hall stuff. Yes. Over here. Yeah, just like city council. Say your name and what part of town you live in. Let me go this way.

Floyd, come here. Say your name and how you know Floyd. I'm known as Justice. And I don't know Floyd that well. I've lived a busy forever. However... Justice, is that like an S&M dominatrix name? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Good call. Good call, sir. Good call. I'm almost six feet tall. I can win any arm. Not laying down, you're not. six feet tall. I can win.

Not laying down, you're not. But on a positive note, Floyd, I'm a cancer survivor for 31 years and I had cancer of the colon and they didn't catch it early. I had chemotherapy and I'm alive today. Only the good die young, honey.

Good for you. Justice. Alright. Show your bag. Show your bag. Show your bag. I think she thought we said badge.

Brendan Walsh had a bit that I will blatantly steal and ruin at the same time. But his New Year's resolution, do you remember this? My New Year's resolution was I'm going to figure out how to eat just the exact amount of nutrients that my body needs. So I never have to poop again. Wow. That's a thought. That's a zero-sum game.

Because it's a rude thing to do, pooping. It's like you should have to go outside smoking cigarettes, something to that effect. But that's something that if I were in your situation and had to live, I don't know why, I would think there's going to be a lot of responsibility. Yeah, you're going to limit the poop. I don't make my bed in the morning because I'm going to sleep in it again. So would I change out my bag because that's just going to get filled with more shit?

Oh, clean it. It would eventually swell up to some bloating point of... I would look at my diet the same way when I'm packing for a plane. Like, do I want to pay for check bags? I would... I haven't even thought about airport security. Oh, that's going to work. They'll wave you through.

You'll be fine. No liquids, sir. Tell my wife she made that dinner. It was there a minute ago. So you go in on Tuesday. They do the drill. That, to them, I'm sure it is. I'm going to route out another asshole.

Tucson, right? You want to have lunch, Dave? I'm going to do an asshole. 10.30. Probably 1. 1. It's just another asshole they take out. Do you get to do an asshole? 10.30? Probably 1. 1. It's just another asshole they take out. Do you get to keep your asshole in a jar? I don't believe so.

I think it's probably hazardous waste. And I really didn't want to ask because I don't want to piss them off. Well, how is it different than a tooth? Like if you said, well, I get to put it under my pillow and I get a quarter. And the asshole fairy comes in the night. Well, well. Get some money. We were thinking about

like reaffirming our vows. And we were just thinking maybe if we could keep the ring. Keep the ring. Oh, that's a thought. That way you involve your partner Now it's both of your event And what are you worried about pissing them off for? What are they going to do? Rip your asshole out?

If they're mad at you Or put it back The surgery is tearing the ass out of me I'm going to leave a little bit in here Well I'm going to leave a lot up to somebody else you know so it's like you know you wouldn't want to be cracking really bad jokes you know but they didn't like you

you never know what they could do to you what else are they going to do to you we saw Brazil right I really missed my asshole but my pussy's starting to itch. What? Yeah, we threw that in for free. That one's on us. You had a coupon in your pocket, sir.

That was a car wash. Hey, Doc, it feels like there's a dick up my ass all the time. Yeah, we put that there just to spite you, you smart ass. Put a dick in your ass and sewed it shut? Hey, they had to fill the void. Oh! Yes!

Everybody drop their mic. Let's go. Saw one of my sets one time, said, if I ever get the chance, boy, getting you back. This is where I find out. No, the true story, when I was getting a vasectomy, the doctor, as he had my balls in his hand doing the thing, asked me who I voted for. And this was right after Clinton got right after the first Clinton got elected. And I said, I don't think I want to tell you. And he says, I think I know.

Because I didn't want to tell him who I voted for. So he just assumed it was Clinton. First of all, the way you said the first Clinton got elected, how long do you think it takes Chaley to edit a podcast? Are you foreshadowing into 2016 before this comes out? Okay, okay. Maybe I'm just guessing. Oh, I thought he meant Chelsea.

I don't know. So you go in Tuesday and they do the procedure. And so how long are you in the hospital? Are you in Tucson? I'm at least a week in the hospital because they've got to wait to make sure I'm functioning again before they can let me go. And functioning means bowel movements and stuff like that. Who can eat at a time like that? That's where they find out they hooked you up wrong

or something I mean a cat turd comes out of your dick and you're like oh something wrong with the wiring we routed that wrong or perfectly could they do that

wow you can't cross the streams, man. There's no way. No way. I think about a lot of these things at night. I'm trying to go to sleep. So obviously you're not – I like to pretend you're asleep the entire time you're in the hospital, but you'll be in there for a while. And how long before

we stop taking your calls like when you're out back among us and you're like oh i don't really want to see him with a poop bag oh oh shit i as soon as i i'm you know consciously aware i'll start facebooking you know and as soon as i can't wait to get up and hang out with people. It might be a while before I do a moon. I'll get Lucy here. Then you can see the new moon. Halloween, I think, would be a good time for that. Halloween would be good.

I might, with Shawnee's help, have some real cool help with it. Well, you've got a lot of people here. Lucy St. John, she can tailor a bag. Yeah. Well, you've got a lot of people here. Lucy St. John, she can tailor a bag. In fact, I would guarantee that before you're out of surgery, at 212 Van Dyke Street in Bisbee, Arizona, 85603, fans of this podcast will be sending decorated colostomy bags. Oh, that's really cool. I guarantee that.

Oh, that's really cool. I guarantee that. In fact, we'll throw up some kind of prize for the best colostomy bag. What's the date right now? May 8th. May 8th. Let's say by May 30th or 31st. I don't know how many days are in what? No, let's do June 2nd.

June 2nd. Because I'll be back. All right. Yeah, June 2nd, we'll announce a winner for the best Floyd colostomy bag. Do a spot for miners and merchants. Yes, I absolutely will. That's Floyd's Antique Shop. Yeah, I got it.

Oh, Lucy St. John is, yeah, she'll be covering for you at Miners and Merchants in Old Bisbee, downtown Bisbee on, what is it, Main Street? Yeah, we also have Redbone Antiques upstairs. Kevin's here tonight. Kevin's here?

That's his place. He's got a lot of cowboy stuff. And since people are here from everywhere, again, give them Kevin's here tonight. Kevin's here? And that's his place. He's got a lot of cowboy stuff. Boots and western stuff. And since people are here from everywhere, again, give them your eBay username. It's Horse Hotel, but I don't have anything on right now. Horse Hotel. I don't have a thing on right now because I have to deal with it.

Well, you should have fucking planned ahead. Yeah. Well, I did. That's why I don't have anything on. Well, yeah. Because I've got to go to the hospital's why I don't have anything on. Well, yeah. Because I've got to go to the hospital, so I can't deal with it. Oh, because you have a...

Ask Cancer Trump's marketing? Yeah, I can't deal with their shit right now. Oh, if Hennigan were here, he'd be furious. He's losing money! It could have been a boon. All right. If anyone else has anything to throw in. Oh,

Evelyn's here. Evelyn, do you want to come shit all over? Oh, Floyd's ass cancer. All right, good. All right.

Anyone else? Nothing. Of course. Get in there. Floyd's ass cancer? All right, good. Anyone else? Nothing? Of course. Get in there. It's not a question, Floyd, so much as a request. I heard the mention of the TSA earlier. Please promise us all that you will use this opportunity to torment as many public servants with this as possible. Oh, that could be fun.

Oh, yeah. Just sit there and start writing out scenarios. How could this be fun? I could put dry ice in the glass of me bag. You do stay up at night. Nice. Just making weird stuff, steam coming out of it. Border Patrol checkpoints Are going to be

A whole different situation Yeah, good Alright Listeners out there Some cartoon Fake TNT You know the TNT Cartoon symbol

On a colostomy bag Colostomy bag with a big fake fuse. Yeah, keep in mind, Floyd, you might have to go through checkpoints. That makes it funner. No, you could put a clock on there. You could have a digital readout on your colostomy bag. Yeah, Flavo Flav. What are those wires poking out for?

None of your beeswax. In case I want to hook up something later. Go ahead, Derek. A colostomy bag that just says, this is a bomb. You know, a shit bomb. No, this is da bomb. Da bomb? Yeah.

Did he say da bomb or da bomb? Did he say da bum or da bomb? You could sell your used colostomy bags to kids who want to leave them on doorsteps. Yeah, on eBay. Horse hotel. Yeah, exactly. Drop them off a building. Light them on fire.

They make good whoopee cushions, you know. Do they have colostomy bags? That's a reality whoopee cushions, you know. Do they have colostomy bags? That's a reality whoopee cushion. It farts and shits. For real. Yeah. Happy ending whoopee cushions. Tired of blowing up those whoopee cushions with your mouth.

Boy, do we have a product for you. Is your whoopee cushion joke failed because there's no smell? Or product. Matter. No matter comes out. For the low cost of $800,000. A whoopee cushion that you'll remember for a while. Yeah, I like that. Floyd, we love you, and we wish you the best of luck,

and we will mock you the whole way through. Thank you. And try to keep your spirits up. It's my love of my friends and Bisbee and everything else that keeps me going anyway. Woo! Fuck that shit! Yeah! and Bisbee and everything else that keeps me going anyway.

Fuck that shit. That is the podcast. I guess I should have given you some... I would have let you pick the outro song, but... Let him pick it. I'll find it. I'll play it later when we edit. I'll find it.

You have a favorite song you want have thought of an outro song. You want to play his outro song? I like that one John Oliver did on his show a while back about what am I going to do without my anus? Michael Bolton. Oh, the Michael Bolton song.

You know what? I'd love to do that because two times now I think John Oliver's writers stole some of my shit, so I'll fucking. I don't want to get anybody in trouble here. So, yeah, we'll gladly steal that. That's that's the podcast. You have a second song.

A second song. I got all day. I. Brian, Hennigan just showed up. Hennigan, do you have any questions for Floyd? No. Do you have a song? Hennigan, to pick your song?

Stairway to Heaven? No, no, no. I don't have that. I'm trying to think of one of those dumb asshole related songs. Were you born an asshole but not that one? How about Wish You Were Here? Assholes,

your time has come. Because I'm a time bomb and I'm going to explode all over you people. How about Kiki Friedman doing I'm Proud to Be an Asshole from El Paso? There you people. How about Kinky Friedman doing I'm Proud to Be an Asshole from El Paso? There you go. That'll work. I don't know.

I'm waiting for a nod from Chaley so we can end this fucking thing. Kinky Friedman. Did you go Bud Friedman? A lot of people make that mistake. All of a sudden you're getting Adam Sandler doing stand-up in 1988. Hold on.

All right. We got to do a fucking clean out. All right. Clean out. Yeah. No. We're backing up. We're backing up.

That's what they're doing to me. I know. You got to leave that in. All right. That is the podcast. We'll close, as always, with the Matoid, unless we decide to close on something else more appropriate. We'll see you, Floyd. We'll see you after your asshole cancer ectomy surgery.

And best of luck. And thank you, everyone, for being here. Love you, Floyd. Love you, Floyd. Woo! All right. Thank you. Thank you. I could hardly believe it

When I heard the news today Congress cut your budget right in two I guess you make people angry With the things you do and say because you make us give our money straight to you. But we need you real bad, though it's clear nobody really likes you. You're the anus of our country Don't you know

Tell me how are we supposed to live without you We couldn't functionally survive No We couldn't functionally survive, no How are we supposed to live without you? And though saying this just cuts me like a knife We need the IRS to stay alive Yes, you've had f***-ups Like that stupid Star Trek thing

Tell me who was it who really thought of that? Michael, you'll be pleased to know the people responsible are all gone, so... Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Why? They got staffing problems too. That's actually true. Their recruitment numbers are at best

a little flat. That's a nuanced point, Michael Bolton. Now, I don't want to know just how we get along without them Cos you never miss your anus till it's gone Tell me how are we supposed to live without you? We couldn't cut your budgets till you bleed. How are we supposed to live without you?

And how we pay For everything we need Like Colorado National Park Procurement Assistant Brian Reed That's a specific example, Michael. Look, IRS, you're never going to be anyone's favorite agency.

You know that. You're boring. You're unlikable But here's the thing, deep down, we need you We need you like we need our own anus Because like our anus, we may not love you Or like to talk about you Or even want to look at you through a series of strategically placed mirrors

But deep down, we're glad you're there Is that not right, Michael? Tell them about it. Tell them. I want to know what life is like without an anus. Sing it to them, Michael. What do you think of

Ryan Reade? Do you know that man personally? Tell me how are we supposed to live without you? We've relied on you for funding for so long. How are we supposed to live without you and how are we supposed

to carry on when the only practical way to collect revenue under our current governmental system pending a significant overhaul of the tax code which seems unlikely at best is gone Ladies and gentlemen the tax code which seems unlikely at best is gold Ladies and gentlemen

Michael Bolton Eat the cake, yeah Eat your ass Eat your ass Eat your ass Eat your ass