The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#75: A Faith Healer and Random Interlopers

Episode Date: May 19, 2015

You can stay at Stanhope's as long as you bring your own house.Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPERecorded May 16, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Ben Caplan (@BLCaplan), Derek "DRock" Haydon (@dRockHaydon), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Adam Miller - Faith Healer Article - http://bit.ly/1IHZ3ogLast Supper Couch on Craigslist - http://bit.ly/1IMRfA9Twitter contacts -@BLCAPLAN & @DROCKHYDONMiners & Merchants Antiques - http://on.fb.me/148EdNeStanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing bit is from Doug's CD "From Across The Street" - Goodnight, Clark Adams. Mishka Shubaly music and Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one we're dreaming tonight

I do my Monday morning podcast whenever I fucking feel like it. This is the Monday morning podcast for later in the year, for Christmas. This is the Christmas in July podcast in May. All right, how do we start? I have so many things, and you just said something, and I go, all right, I'll start with that, and it's gone. I'm drinking a Sherry's Berry, hoping to speed the alcohol and fat into my system. No, it's the Purple Mud Bunion. That's the drink.

Myers Dark Rum, Godiva White Chocolate, and a little bit of Blackberry Brandy. All liquor, all girly. But the purple mud bunion named after Chad Shank, I thought maybe it could conjure his spirits to get his ass over here again. You know what? I don't call him to come over. Yeah, that would probably aid

in getting him over here quicker. Yeah, I let Bingo call him. He's a sucker for it. Bingo's a soft touch. If he's crazy, I'll still take bingo's calls. But bingo's not here. So, yeah, so much for my conjuring.

Well, maybe the onion will work. Maybe it will. It'll work for me. He quickly snaps his head when he hears the bottle cap on the Godiva chocolate open. It should be with crushed ice. It should be, yeah, almost like a slushy i think okay i'm not sure hey speaking of conjuring this happened and uh and a lot of you guys uh tweeted me about this story and i ignored it i did retweet one uh thing about it but i didn't

even read it i retweeted in the blind atheist blogger sued by faith healer so uh so i i it wasn't till the 19th person that sent it that i realized that fucking faith healer guy lives here in bisbee allegedly uh he filed suit some bloggers some uh transgendered blogger doesn't matter that they're transgendered but you you know what? If I have a fat friend, I say, yeah, you know my fat friend Ron. Well, you don't have to say fat. You don't have to say he's black. I don't have to say she's transgendered, but it came up in the story.

So, yeah, she just randomly debunked this guy as being a complete fucking fraud. And what does he do? He's a healer. He's a former ice skater and he had a near-death experience with pneumonia according to his website that is now pulled down you can't find any uh trace of adam miller healer uh so he'll put his hand he'll lay hands on you like they say

to heal you or oh yeah he goes into a lot of the dynamics without saying anything of he's not a psychic or this or that but because when he had his near-death experience and he was dead for four and a half minutes on the table he went you know he he met with the buddha and jesus and all the fucking great things, fallacies. All the great fallacies came to meet him in his dead state, and now he can guide you through any illness, and he can heal you. But it's not free, you know, because it's a special gift. His website is down, but when you went through it.

I do charge for this because it is a special gift. Well, it's a special gift. I don't see why that's worth money. If you can do this, he can do it over the phone. One of his pictures on his website was him like the time life operator with a headset and in a suit and tie and saying, I can do it over the phone. Why wouldn't you just do it for everyone? Why would you even ask him? We had a story like this. Oh, I think I was busting colleen's balls about the fucking reiki

and i was a friend of ours yeah you can give reiki as healing reiki why why would you even ask why would you tell someone you're doing reiki on them if they like someone you know has gout or a tumor or a fucking uh wandering eye why wouldn't you just throw some reiki at them all subtly fix it yeah without getting any kind of fucking adulation much less she wasn't charging this guy was charging so he had some video out describing his fucking voodoo and uh so this uh blogger and she's fucking she's credentialed. She works for the Richard Dawkins Foundation in some capacity, and she puts out these blogs. And so she cut up his promotional video on YouTube and then just debunked it.

It plays up to a point and then cut. Wait, you're not a medical professional. Stop saying you're a medical professional or a health care professional or and so he evidently sued her uh for defamation libel saying that you know because she said it's bullshit somehow and uh and copyright infringement for using the video in her video, which is fair use. It's a complete frivolous bullshit lawsuit. It seems like the only one that could stand would be the one where she used his video without his permission. But like you said, there's fair use in that too.

Yeah, there's fair use. But of the three, that is the only one that has any legs. And then I'm assuming the videos are still out. If you just Google news search Adam Miller Healer and news search it, I'm sure you'll find the articles that were written about it. The problem is a frivolous lawsuit will still fuck you. lawsuit will still fuck you a guy sued me for uh defamation or libel you know 10 years ago for for like calling him a crackhead in some story i wrote on my website just offhandedly this fucking crackhead yeah like you but if it's something if you're saying they did something illegal that's grounds but the problem is i wrote that story like six years before I got the man show and he smelled money and went, I'll sue you.

Now's the time. And it was complete bullshit. It never fucking got to court. It was dismissed out of court and it still cost me 10 grand. So, yeah. So the blogger, I can't remember your fucking name. I'm sorry. But it's in the stories.

Yeah. She has a Go fund me page and she last i checked she raised 17 grand which should be more than fucking adequate to uh to to defend that uh she's got a good first amendment attorney who's a well-respected pen gillette and all the uh atheists jumped on board and uh no one in Bisbee has ever heard of this fucking guy. The guy who says he's from Bisbee. Yeah, a friend of mine posted it on a couple of the Bisbee community

groups. Bisbee people, Bisbee community on Facebook groups. Bisbee, a town of... But everyone on those fucking groups are these just fucking psycho nitwits. What's the population here? 5,500 yeah so a town of 5500 someone you know has got to like be clipping his lawn yeah he was claiming i've

healed over like 50 000 people or some fucking god huge number i've done this for 36 years but there's no nowhere on the internet can you find any reference of him being in Bisbee except the lawsuit. That is, there's a copy of the lawsuit that she was served with, the blogger, that said that he lives in Bisbee. But it didn't even list Bisbee as a venue to go to trial. So, I don't know. Everyone on the Bisbee forums are saying, oh, this is like a, this is a con. It's a big con. This is a con.

It's a big con. Like as though that guy doesn't exist. And like he made all these entire videos and website. And then she's going to play the one. It's a con where the two of them are working together. And two fucking high dollar well respected lawyers on both sides. Yeah. Just to get the fucking go fund me money. And I'm like,

all right, I can't even be on these sites cause I would just start talking shit to everyone. You fucking morons. The last thing I need is access to a Facebook page of a locals that are fucking 70% fucking absolute nitwits and then start talking shit about them when I'm drunk and then see them in Safeway the next day

jockeying and jostling for position at the 50% meat section. So yeah, I did my best for you there. I talked to the lawyer guy and I tried everything to, you know, every feeler. One girl on one of the Facebook sites said, yeah, I babysat for him last year. He moved here last summer. At some point, he had said he lived on a 55 acre ranch. When you looked at the video on his website and he had a few photos of where he lived and video. And you go, that's absolutely Bisbee.

Just the interior of his house. You know it's Bisbee. Fucking bright colors. There's no question. It's a very unique style to every part of this town. A door that's not squared. But she said she babysat for him. But he never talked about what he did other than he moved here to do it.

And then she said, I think they got bored and moved back to California. So for a minute I thought, Hey, we got a fucking dildo right here in his time. Like I thought about just, I'll find out where he lives. Someone's going to know him and I'll just go stake a big scarlet letter sign at the end of his driveway in the fucking dirt that just says fraud written in

blood looking letters. Fraud. We got a place to know what you did last summer we had a place to put all of floyd's uh full colostomy bags uh so but on the on the uh tales of that i thought the story never got a lot of legs but on the tales of it we finally put up that last supper couch that Chaley's been talking about putting on Craigslist since we talked about it months ago. First week of Tin Can Rehab. Yeah, we were talking about putting that on Craigslist rather than just leave it by the fucking dumpster. Someone brought a fucking last supper couch. dumpster someone brought a fucking last supper couch as it's the full it's a like a black velvet elvis but it's a couch of the last supper with last supper pillows and uh sit on jesus's face yeah so i thought hey that's a great uh this is a great time to put it on craigslist so i put it

topical yeah as a last supper Couch mystical healing powers. I'm a faith healer, and I have to get out of town in a hurry. So if you want to find that on Craigslist, you go to Sierra Vista. That's our closest metropolis. Sierra Vista Craigslist, and just type in Bisbee in the search engine. Or just type in Last Supper Couch. And, yeah, we've only got one response. Can you read that?

Yeah. It says, I've been a healer for 36 years, oddly the same amount of time. Wait, what did you want me to read? The ad, what we put in the ad. Oh, I've got a healer for 36 years, oddly the same amount of time. Wait, what did you want me to read? The ad, what we put in the ad. Oh, I got to find it. I have the email that we got from someone. All right. You want that?

No, no. That's what we're getting to. Hold on. Let me find it. It says basically, I can run through it. I'm a healer. I have to leave town in a hurry. I'm sadly having to sell one of my healing couches.

You can tell by the fade and wear how many people have been cured by this miracle lounge. Skeptics will be dealt with litigiously. Thank you. Skepticism will be met with litigation yeah no suckers and uh believers believers will be uh yeah rewarded or rewarded yeah no suckers no suckers a professional uh uh true practitioner is only something. Anyway, we put it up and we waited for...

And we only got one response asking what was... Can you describe the mystical powers? What mystical powers? Go ahead, read that. So we wrote back. So we wrote back. So we wrote back. I stopped it because he told me not to yet another dildo emailed me going hey i live in arizona from somewhere else and hire me i can do anything like yeah one of the many people who think there's a lot to do in this

business but then you go hey chaley doesn't have that thing ready. Maybe I can get that dude. Go ahead. What are we right back to the couch? Can you tell me more about the couch? What kind of mystical powers does it have? And we wrote back laying on it to meditate can cause a drowsy feeling that can lead to a REM state and can induce powerful visions.

The interpretations of these visions depend on the strength of the faith of the user. And no one wants to hear them unless they were in them. Yeah, so, yeah. I think the price might be scaring people off. Maybe we should have put up a picture of just a plain couch and just say that the vision of the Last Supper appeared on it on its own. This is how it started. I would love to perpetrate a massive fraud like that i just i talk too much like i would i'd tell i did come over i'm just fucking with you

because we're right on the border of mexico where they take that jesus shit real serious and they do like all of a sudden you are the the fucking Adam Miller healer guy. All right, this Mexican couple just showed up, and she has lumps of cancer hanging off her fucking neck. And they couldn't shell out the money fast enough. You're like, all right, the joke's not there anymore. You want an idiot, but you don't want to prey on the weak. How great would that be? Why is it okay to prey on idiots, by the way?

That's bad, too. That should be bad. Just because someone's mildly dumb and not even retarded. Is it okay? At what point? So if someone came up here with $500 in hand, and they totally believed that it was a mystical couch, you wouldn't sell it to them? on what personalities like if it were like one of these douchebag chakra healers that

invade every hippie town and oh i i know this is going to help me send reiki in a more no okay yeah i i asked the universe for some kind of barka lounger and here we are yes yeah you don't want to pray on the week like someone whose last hope is oh the fucking they ran the healer out of town maybe i can fucking drop a fucking half a k K on a last supper couch. It's all I got. Yeah. But other side of the another side of the coin. Why is it okay to fuck with smart people? Why is it okay to take advantage of them? I always get caught up in that, you know, especially the UK where I'd get reviews.

You know, this bit was a little weak because, you know, hey, you're picking on. They hate it when you pick on retards. You say retard or anything retarded. They go fucking ape shit. Do they call them retards over there? No, they fucking. Well, you know, what's the local term? I have no probably developmentally disabled.

But anytime you pick on the weak, like why is it okay to fuck with well-abled people? Do they not have feelings? You can fuck with lawyers all day long. Hey, there's lawyers out there that are really busting their balls. How about the fucking Innocence Project, you cunt? Those are fucking lawyers and law students that are just pro bonoing their time to get people out of prison that are wrongly accused. And you can make lawyer jokes all day long. What's a fucking retard done for you lately?

He ever get you out of prison? I'm saying there's a fucking there should be a balance. I say fuck with everybody. But don't act like some people are fucking sacred cow. He slays sacred cows. Who's a more sacred cow than a fucking retard jesus oh fuck he's here yeah okay we're gonna have to take a break i was getting on a roll that's probably yeah yeah the fucking take a take a pause pause podcast, we'll do a commercial, and you take a shit and ponder what really is a sacred cow and should they be fucked with?

Because I'm going to think about that until I finish this drink and I forgot that I even thought of it. Fuck you, we'll be right back. Hey, Ogden, Utah, are you hungry for pizza? Pizza! Pizza! Then you better run your? Pizza! Pizza! Then you better run your ass down to Pizza Runners.

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ordering these to the neighbor's house, you motherfucker. I know where you live! Pizza Runner 3017 Harrison Boulevard, North Ogden. Waiting for your call now. We're family friendly. All right, we have a surprise guest. Just someone who tweeted me that said, Hey, we're coming from Tucson to Bisbee.

He's some traveling comedian who is traveling from Fresno to Brooklyn, New York, which is a lateral move at best. Actually, I'd fucking live from Fresno to Brooklyn, New York, which is a lateral move at best. Actually, I'd fucking live in Fresno, and that's one of the biggest piece of shit towns ever. I don't mind Fresno. Well, yeah, it's just dismal. It's bleak. We don't have to stay there.

Yeah, but he said, hey, we're coming to Bisbee. Do we want to see a killer termites game or uh just buy you a drink and since i didn't really want to write the fucking book that was a great out so uh so he's just walking in and now realizing he's on a podcast ben caplin there's a couple of beers for you and your buddy i don't know if what you drink what do you normally drink talking to the mic thanks man which one's ben oh you're ben this is ben okay ben you stand over here okay you just sit and drink sir perfect hey uh how's it going good cheers you fucking gacked up from a long drive uh not really just just a little bit but you know tried to i was

afraid of all the border patrol oh it's not coming in that's a problem it's getting out we'll we'll school you on you I hope you don't have drugs. Actually, we hope you do have drugs. Because if you do... You made it. Safe. Yeah. By getting out, you're going to be stopped.

Like hardcore? Yeah. They have dogs. If you have shit that smells, they'll smell it. Okay. We'll talk about that afterwards. Logistics. Okay.

But you have a fucking giant hand-painted blue RV. What year is that? It's a 91 Fleetwood Tioga. Nice. Yeah. Oh, really nice. I like the Tiogas. How many miles?

78 when we started. I guess we're probably almost to 79 now. You're not worried about breaking down. I just sold it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's 78,000? Yeah, yeah, yeah. On a fucking RV?

You see them on, not to talk shit, but when our friend is looking at one, and that's the sweet spot between 70 and 90,000. That's a sweet spot for a fucking Dodge Omni. I'm just telling you. He's talked to guys that repair these things. All right. It's Durant. He's looking.

Yeah, I would say you're fine i think you're fine sold the cadillac and i was so worried that that thing was going to break down on whatever poor fuck bought it because i'm just my own paranoia about old shit because that's what it was in 1970 with god knows how many miles on it the fucking odometer stopped working at some point i'm sure before you got it yeah and he did break down once there was a fire he flew down he but it wasn't a fan it was just a dude and he flew down from colorado and it was very cool and he hung out for a while and had cocktails and then started driving in the middle of the night which i would

never do and i got to new mexico and and just some weird thing. What was it, Derek? The air conditioner motor? The heater on the cross that it kicks the compressor on. Okay. Derek says he tried to put the heat on like a fool and it caught the engine on fire, but he had a half a bottle of Gatorade, the only liquids he had in the car to put it out and then made it fine all the way back to Denver.

So, yeah. And now he says it's running well. I'm almost pissed off that it's running so well. He goes, oh, yeah, it's just a tweak. And I got the fucking motor for the roof to work, which was the biggest pet peeve of that piece of shit. Was that it wouldn't go up without three people. Yeah, one guy inside to push the button and then one on each side outside to help it up. Yeah, it's working fine.

One of the fucking local cops, fucking Yanis, said, I would have bought that. I didn't know it was for sale. Yeah, shit. Turns out it was missing a cotter pin. I would have been way more nervous to sell a local cop a car. I didn't know if it's a piece of shit or not. nervous to sell a local cop a car i didn't know if it's a piece of shit or not they actually stopped bingo at a stop at a stop sign just to ask her about the car which fucking throw throws you in a panic i don't care if you know the cop i don't care if you fucking high five them at safeway

someone fucking flags you down on the road i I'm in trouble. Hey, what year is that? Probably should have sold it to the cop. Now that I know it's a fucking good car. So anyway, back to you. Ben Kaplan, you say your Twitter says you don't fucking use Twitter. You have like 68 total tweets. Not often. Usually it's just like if it's a marketing thing or something like this or something like that.

It fucking works great for shit like this. Yeah, I'm surprised. I fucking ended up day drinking with Roseanne Bar, Twitter. But yeah, it said you're a traveling comedian going from Fresno to Brooklyn. Yeah. Oh, wow. Thank you. Wow, the hospitality

here is insane. Alright, I'll cover time. Oh, wow. Thank you. Wow, the hospitality here is insane. Yeah, yeah. All right, I'll cover time. Don't worry. You smoke. I'll cover time until you exhale audibly. I hope that's your own stash you're getting rid of. You don't want to smoke local when you're going to have to dump your own.

There you go. That's quite an undertaking. I'm going to guess that you've been doing comedy for less than six months. That is accurate. All right. And you thought now is the time to make your fucking big break to the Big Apple. I guess. I'm from the East Coast.

I'm from Philly. So it's sort of going home also. It's not just like crazy moving out from the East Coast. I'm from Philly. So it's sort of going home also. It's not just like crazy moving out to the East Coast. It's kind of moving home. But, yeah, I guess that's the idea. I don't know what to expect. But you were in Fresno just migrant farming? Yeah, and cooking meth, scrapping metal.

No, I actually was a tow truck driver, actually, which is worse. Why did you end up in Fresno from Philly? Chick? No, I went to Arizona State initially for college, then out to the East Coast for rehab, then over to Utah because I ran out of money, and then I was broke. I have beers laid out for these guys,

and they're immediately fucking, oh, yeah, i was in rehab and now i'm smoking pot and drinking beer on your podcast without even shaking hands it's uh it's in the past it's in the past um but uh yeah uh got out to um was in utah and uh ended up moving back in with parents uh you know kind of giving them the finger and growing weed in utah for a little bit and got really scared. I didn't even think weed could grow in Utah dirt. Inside, inside, inside.

Real undercover operation. You'd think the whole atmosphere would just kill plants. It was actually not too bad because it wasn't too hot. I know I meant the actual. The culture. Ethereal, is that the right word? The fucking just the bad vibes of Utah. I don't know about ethereal, but bad vibes.

Ephemeral? I don't know. Ephemeral? Why am I trying to use fucking bad words? It's Saturday. Bad words? Big words. All right, Utah.

You're doing great at it. Ran out of money again in Utah and my brother in Fresno kind of took me in and gave me a job and started working towing cars and lived in a tow truck shop for like two years. And finally saved up enough money to get the fuck out of Fresno. Nice. Yeah. And you're going to where it's the fucking most expensive part of the world. Yeah.

I hope you saved a lot of tow truck money. You're the tow truck driver that steals change, that's for sure. of tow truck money. You're the tow truck driver that steals change, that's for sure, because to even make money in Fresno that you can bring you to New York City. They expect you to clean out the ashtray. It's like a tip.

I was unfortunately the, not the back, I was the guy who steals your car at night. Repo? No, not quite repo, but close. We would... Really stealing? More or less. I mean, it was mostly private property. I mean, it was private property. If you parked in someone else's stall, that kind of thing, fire lanes, handicapped, things of that nature, get called out there.

You're like a predator. You'll feel like a fraud your whole comedy career, but never that bad. No, no. You'll never have to turn back. You could steal jokes blatantly. but never that bad no no never have to turn back you could steal jokes blatantly you could just email comics and go listen you know that great album you just put out i'm stealing it verbatim and still feel like a better person than a fucking tow truck driver it got to be that way yeah where you sort of just there's good cops you know that uh There are a few really cool cops, and they get ruined because they're in the minority.

And tow truck drivers, there is that guy you need when next gas 60 miles and you have to walk to a box, and he helps you. Yeah. But no one will ever look at a tow truck driver and go, he's saving people on long stretches of lonely highway. No, you fucking took my shit because I didn't notice the obscured sign. If you want to make any amount of money, yeah, pretty much. How old are you? 23. I should have guessed.

Can we go back to how you guessed the six months? Well, the amount of tweets uh the fact that he says traveling comedian making a that that's his bio on twitter traveling comedian making a trip to from fresno to brooklyn like like that's all he's done with his life like mine says drunk comic obsolete like that sums it up i've done all you've been to the ringer he's his uh whatever you call that profile caption on twitter is a tweet that's what it's that's what he's doing today description of himself yeah that's what he's less than 140 days yeah how everyone just once you start the trip uh what was it it was supposed to be may 1st we it was really hard getting out of town everything was kind of we lost keys it was just difficult uh and ended up being like i think may

5th i want to say um out of fresno went down to big sir kind of just like take the one yeah yeah took it the whole way um and from like monterey and uh you're a fucking asshole. No, I'm saying this for so many people that were stuck behind that RV on the one on 15 mile an hour turns that you had to do at eight. And that was our first time driving it too. So everything's falling out of the cupboards because we don't have it all battened down the proper way yet because we're still learning. Not to mention, it's a beautiful trip on the coast. So both of you are kind of trying to watch the road and the scenery at the same time.

Yeah. And you want to look and then you realize you're in short. Shit, all our dishes broke. No, no, as long as it wasn't the pipe. That's cool. So camped out in Big Sur for a night sort of just to get the thing right, start off right. And L.A.

You went to L.A. Went to L.A. afterwards. I looked at one of his 68 tweets. Fuck. Was that when he started comedy? I do suss people out when they say, can I stop by for a drink? I do some due diligence. Oh, yeah.

And the fact that he mentioned and hashtagged the killer termites means he listens to the podcast. And he took a picture of the Bad News Bears field. There's an actual field with a sign in L.A., the Bad News Bears field. I assume they filmed it there or something. I don't know. I don't know if it was just dedicated or just I'm not sure. But we were like parked right. It's like right down off the 405 on Santa Monica,

and that's pretty much where we were parked. There's an industrial complex where homeless live. That sounds about right. Buttermaker, Kelly. Oh, you parked where the homeless hang out just to rub it in their face that you have this beautiful RV. I realize it seems that way, but, yeah, that's one of the only places where we're welcome.

But, yeah, they do probably see it as gentrification of some sort. If it was Burning goes the neighborhood was burning man yeah they'd frown on you too for having an rv come on man you run on corn oil or what go down with like a multi-box structure to skid row like a two-story cardboard box structure a couple of refrigerator boxes hobbled together. Yeah, yeah. Like you made snow forts back east. So you're going to, so May, beginning of May now,

it's May 16th. How long are you planning on taking on this trip? We are planning on rolling into Philly. Philly's, you know, going to stay there for a couple of weeks

to hang out, see some friends. That's going to be July 1st. His girlfriend, who's moving to New York with us. Yeah, what's your buddy's name? This is Derek. Derek, are you a comic as well? Yeah.

All right, so you're making the move together. It's good to go buddy system like me and Becker. So, yeah, and his girlfriend's moving out once we get there. That's not going to fucking last. Stop it. Someone's got to have a job. These two's perfect. Well played.

Have her wire money ahead. Turns out we need two security deposits. Might be a little more depressing in New York or spendy, but your pussy options versus Fresno, yeah, that's not going to last. What's she doing up in Fresno right now? She cuts hair. Cuts hair. Oh, good.

That's a good skill. Yep. Have her forward your money. Say, honey, we're not quite ready for you yet. Yeah, this is way more expensive than we thought. A lot of people are making me deals, but I got to hire an agent and a lawyer. Yeah, it's all coming down, but we just need a few more dollars. Oh, Jesus.

So when did you say you're getting there? Get there July 1st or so. July. Jeez, you're taking your time. Well, how many miles can you log a day in the Tioga? Well, we're taking it pretty slow. I mean, we hung out in Tucson for a day. the Tioga? Well, we're taking it pretty slow. I mean, we hung out in Tucson for a day.

So, like, that's, you know. But if you drove the max that you guys want to drive a day, how many miles? Oh, I could, I mean, we could probably be there in five days if we wanted to. But we're taking a really, I mean, going straight across is kind of the boring route. I mean, they're in Bisbee from Fresno. They're obviously

not taking the direct route. Sure. My mom's in San Diego, went to visit her. And then just taking the whole southern route. I've never seen the south, really. So Texas, El Paso's next. Austin, over to Baton Rouge and New Orleans. Up Mississippi to Jackson. And over to Memphis, Nashville.

And going to Bonnaroo on the 15th of June. Going to try that out and have some fun, hopefully. And then it's, you know, down to Florida, Miami, because that's where my dad lives, doing the whole loop around Florida. And then up the East Coast to Philly. And then hopefully we want to scout it out and hang out at my grandma's house down the shore and kind of scout out the city and see where we want to go

and hopefully be there August 1st. And then start doing comedy. Yeah, hopefully. Do you know any New York comics? No. What did you do? Fresno can't have a scene. There's a scene.

It's fun. There's a whole downtown area that got built up a couple years ago. Yeah, I did a show there with Louis Black opening for him. That's how I found Panamint Springs, Joe there with Louis Black opening for him. That's how I found Panamint Springs, taking the back roads to go do those Bakersfield, Fresno gigs with Louis Black. And it was a Sunday, and there's nothing more fucking dead. If you wanted to film there on a Sunday, like Walking Dead,

you wouldn't have to get permits. There's that few people in downtown Fresno. It's fucking scary. It's eerie. It's eerie. It's eerie. But you had open mic? Yeah, yeah. There's what?

We got probably an open mic. The best of times, we had an open mic probably every day of the week, and then sometimes it's down to... No shit in Fresno. Yeah, yeah. And there's a couple where we have two. Yeah, there's music, comedy, anywhere you can get up, and people are usually pretty

lenient about it. Nice. Fresno's changed, Doug. I think you've got to give it a chance. I don't know about that. It's coming back. It's coming back to the Grapes of Wrath days. They do need tow-tuck drivers, apparently. Yeah, and no one's paying their bills. That still stands.

Did you ever go to the Bay Area to do shit? Never to do comedy. I went up for a music thing and then saw Jim Norton, but that was about it. Never went up to do comedy outside of Fresno. And you haven't been doing comedy since you left Fresno? Oh, no. I went up one night in L.A.

He went up two nights in L.A. I forgot your name already. Derek, stand up. There's another Derek in the room. So in case you want to chime in, you're on mic. So who's funnier? Did you ever

do a competition together? No. Not even a shitty one? No? No. I'm funnier, but he's way better. He's been doing it way longer than I have. I mean, I gotta say I'm funnier. I don't know what else to say. I gotta say he's funnier. But he has been doing it longer. That's gonna cripple the trip a bit.

Dude, why'd you have to fucking say that? Are we still talking about this, man? We're in New Orleans. We're on Bourbon Street. Why do you keep bringing up that you're funnier on the Stanhope Podcast thing? Can't we just have fun? Well, I'm guessing you think you're funnier. I mean, that would only be... That wouldn't make sense.

Not every comic thinks they're the best. No, no. It goes reversed reversed you start on an incline where you have all this hubris and false self-confidence you're the william hung of comedy and you have no idea and then at some point you get where you're you're good and you go fuck i used to think i was funny i suck shit i want to burn all those tapes of, and I want to kill everyone who ever saw me. And then when you get successful, you go, I don't deserve this. I suck shit. So, yeah, welcome.

I'm the ghost of Christmas future. Yeah, looking forward to it. Oh, good. Chili's on top of shit. Do you guys even drink beer, or would you prefer something else? Because I'm about to break, pour a cocktail. So let's do that. And you asked him a question.

Well, what was my, who's funnier? We got that. No, no. You asked him, do they drink or do they not drink? Well, I figured we could do that off air. All right. And that's why we're going to take a break. Great news, kids.

The much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour T-shirts, podcast T-shirts. We have pop off vodka presents T-shirts. Get them before we get sued, before we get the cease and desist. And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime. A sad, tragic, bloated

lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. Does anyone tell you you guys are like another comic? I can't imagine you've even gotten that far.

I've never gotten that. Yeah. It'll be a long time, hopefully, before you do. If you get it in your first few months of comedy that, hey, you're kind of like, that means you're doing that guy. When I started, I was so into Dice Clay that I just tried to not sound like Andrew Dice Clay. But I still had some weird affected accent. You're going to suck for a while we should put this in a time capsule we should make you do your acts put them in a time capsule

and just not just a year from now watch you listen to yourselves and go oh please turn it off fucking clockwork orange eyes peeled open video of you doing comedy after three months no one guys one mike some are you can be better than other people but you're never good no one was ever good early in comedy for years right i i've never met one you've only been doing this how long well there's a difference i started at your age i was 23 how long? Well, there's a difference. I started at your age. I was 23 when I started. So there's people like Brendan Walsh get into it after he'd fucked with other things. He didn't just go in from I'm telemarketing and I thought of a few funny things. He'd been a part of the business.

There's actors that go into it and they can. You, not so much there's not a quick jump from tow truck driver to comedy if he grew up in the business on some level some ethereal level I don't even know what that fucking word means

I don't know why I keep trying to force it in alright let me get this is a fucking email you guys tell me how to deal with this oh wait no that's what i wanted to talk about the i have fucking two dumb ideas i have one idea i've got zero feedback on that i still watching all the playoff hockey and playoff basketball home field advantage especially in basketball like there's only five guys and they're professionals and their home field advantage should not really matter and my idea

my billy ball idea was to hire psychopaths uh sociopaths sociopaths that don't care about what people think about them because that's the only reason the court isn't different. It's a fucking same size court. It's just people are booing you rather than cheering. So if you hired a team of sociopaths, they would not be affected by the reactions from the crowd and you would completely eliminate home field advantage. And I think that's a fucking brilliant idea. And I never no one no one from Major League Sports has gotten back to me about this. Maybe it's because they're in the season. Maybe they'll get in the offseason.

So here's some more ideas to go nowhere that I expect you, the listeners. One is the shame back machine, which is written up here. We were just thinking of that. We were watching a clippers game and seeing the new owner chaley was commenting on how his head was as red as his t-shirt just screaming and yelling like a true final two minutes he's jumping up and down it's only been not even a year since the whole fucking donald sterling david sterling daniel sterling donald like everyone forgot about him till i see the clippers game and went oh new owner oh Donald Sterling, David Sterling, Daniel Sterling, Donald.

Like, everyone forgot about him until I see the Clippers game. I went, oh, new owner. Oh, fuck, what happened to that? And we thought, what happened to that cunt? Was wearing the face shield, his mistress? Alleged mistress. No, it was pretty much, yeah, open. Yeah, she had to walk. With the welder's mask on.

Yeah, she had the welder's mask face shield to go out in public and she was going to use this to launch her new like fashion career or some bullshit like those people shouldn't be allowed to disappear that quickly people who are shameful fucking items and there should be like the way back machine on the internet there should be the shame back machine like an app. Every day, hey, remember this from one year ago today, this fucking asshole, like all the Kato Kalins of the world. Yeah, no, you don't get to your 15 minutes of fame and get forgotten. People are going to remember you with your fucking Twitter account.

They're going to go, hey, you're a douche. That's one idea. The other idea, comedy Google, especially for fucking drunks like me and new kids like you. There should be a comedy Google site where once a bit has been put out there, recorded, someone has done the bit. You don't have to Dave-a-tell a guy and call up in the middle, do you do a bit like this because I was thinking about it doing a bit like this I thought you did you could just Google you would

default to that that would be the answer keywords of the bit and you would see all these bits that have already been written and you go fuck Jesus goddamn Blaine Kapach did this in Delaware in 1993 jesus google comedy google it's a fucking workable idea i know every goddamn comic would use it

except the ones that are stealing yeah i was gonna say there's probably some objection to it already they'd use it but they would just be using it for different reasons well they'd have they'd have no excuse Because why didn't you comedy Google it, asshole? Then you would know. Hey, comedy Google it. You'll see. I did it in 88. Exactly.

You're still doing comedy? I went back too far. Clearly. All right. Those are my ideas. I got to read this email. This just came in, and I did not reply to it yet. Thought I'd run it past the board.

Hold on a second. Weren't you going to do Floyd update? No, I kind of. Jesus, how dare you humiliate me on the air in front of. I cut this part out. Young up and coming comics. They find me to be a role model or at least a free drink.

I'll take anybody. Can we jump our septic room or somewhere? Alright, this comes from Wendy Subject Suicide. I understand that you are coming to Newcastle upon Tyne. The fucking UK towns have...

I'm just coming to Newcastle. I don't know what it's upon. Stop with the lengthy... You're coming to Newcastle as part of your tour. My son, we say with reverence, my son Steve lived in Newcastle. He was an amazing musician, singer, songwriter, son, and brother. He committed suicide using your, quote, advertised method of helium last October.

He was on a trip to the U.S. last September when he listened to your show, which apparently contained a sketch about one of your fans who committed suicide using helium. I would like to ask you not to include that sketch in your show in newcastle from one human being who has lost their firstborn son to another who is most likely not lost anyone ever that's right like oh you're a fucking oh no maybe you should listen to the fucking new album please don't use that sketch in newcastle it will totally insult the memory of my son a lot of my son's friends who are apparently really like you will be there please don't do it thank you in advance w. And it fucking kills you because,

A, I can't do that bit. It's a fucking old bit. It's a six-year-old bit. Like the first thing you go, fuck you, I'm doing that bit. I'm gonna, I'll do that. I'll drag that bit out. But I can, it's an old bit.

And, uh, and fuck you. Advertised. My advertised. You know what? Do you think that your kid wasn't going to kill himself until I did that bit? And he went, oh, shit, I never thought about it

until I heard it's as easy as helium. I thought I'd have to buy a gun. That's too hard in the UK. But no, helium, yeah, good work. You know what? I don't even want to hear the follow-up albums. I want to show what a fan I am to Doug Stanhope. You know who fucking,

do you know why your son is dead, Wendy? Let's pause. You murdered your son. That's what you did, Wendy. When you had that gumption to decide to fucking throw a child out into the world, you, by default, killed him. It might have been when he was 77, and you were conveniently in your grave while he was fucking scraping tumors out of his colon or it could have just been

you brought a person into the world that didn't want to fucking be here you thought with all your love and adoration oh no he's going to be happy he wasn't fucking happy and you did it when you spread your gaping twat and allowed that fucking workman to dump seed in him you go i'm gonna keep the baby yes and you're

gonna murder him eventually you were you were just hoping it would be conveniently when you were dead instead of i can't believe my talented musician son, brother. Yeah, he fucking hated it, and it's your fault. You sit and ruminate on that, Wendy P. in Newcastle upon Tyne upon your fucking son's grave. Newcastle upon Steve. That's what I call it, because you decided that making people was in your best interest and you fucking yeah you turned out wrong and uh yeah i have lost someone i lost my mother

to suicide which i gladly assisted because she murdered me in advance she me, at some point, I'm going to die in some crooked way, and it was her fault. So when she decided it's time to go, I was like, yeah, let's speed that up so I don't go before you like a fucking asshole. All right, well, I can't do that. I can't do that old bit about Clark Adams.

I am going to close this podcast on my Clark Adams bit that you refer to, the fan who did kill himself using helium, and he was a fucking fine human being. And you know what? All his friends and kinfolk that I've ever talked to said he would have been proud to hear that bit done in his name because he wasn't an asshole like you. And I can't do that bit when I come to Newcastle, the Clark Adams bit,

because it's old and I have some integrity left. But if I can write a new bit... Between now and then? Yeah, I'll fucking do it. You'll do it spite. Yeah. And all your friends of Steve's

that like me, I'm not shitting on Steve. I'm shitting on his stupid mother who thought it was a good idea to have him. And I hope you had some good years, Steve, and I'm glad that you listened, and I hope Helium worked out because I always size up my options

and I keep a list as the golden years come. Here's a happy email we got. How caught up on that? Have you heard about Floyd? Have you heard? We listened to Floyd on the drive to Tucson. So, yeah, we. I heard the Floyd the ass cancer party.

That's. We heard party. We heard party. All right. So, yeah. So. We just I have several nice Floyd email. So I was just going to read one just so you keep emailing me.

This comes from John Alex. Doug, as a 41-year-old colon cancer survivor, parentheses, discovered, removed, chemo in 2013, I found Floyd episodes to be tragic but simultaneously hilarious and cathartic. While cancer is never pleasant a positive attitude combined with a buttload of narcotics no pun intended as well as herbal medications made it all bearable keep putting on the best podcast out there truly enjoy every minute of it john and then he did as as we started this podcast, sent another email with a correction when he said that his colon cancer discovered, removed. No, the cancer was removed, not his asshole.

When we wrap this up, I'll show you some good text messages from Floyd showing me his new scars and bags. The details. Yeah, yeah. He's a good friend. Yeah, he's fun as shit. And I know that podcast just went out, but don't forget the Floyd colostomy bag contest. Send your decorated colostomy bags right here to 212 Van Dyke Street,

Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. And we'll give out. Did we say what the prize was? No, we haven't. June 2nd is the end. It'll be good. We'll tailor make it for the person. We'll find out who they are, what they're into.

A prize pack. Yeah. Like the showcase showdown on Price is Right. Yeah, I could send one of the fucking suits I have ready to go up on the next Doug Stano eBay auction. But if it's some 50-year-old fat mother of six, she doesn't really need a men's leisure suit. So, yeah, get those colostomy bags out. Come on. Get your glue gun and your spangles.

Easy to get. You go to any pharmacy supply, you can get Colossomy bags. I hope. All right. And Chaley, hey, that Donate Here button is still up there on the website if you want to donate to Chaley who makes this podcast happen. Or just buy merch. We have Last Gasp Tour T-shirts.

We have 70 of them left. Hey, where's our double X's at out there? Because, yeah, the fatties must have let us down on that tour. No, the three X's left a long time ago. Oh, three X's. Oh, people are trying to slim down to the two X's. Well, get out there. It's summertime.

Get your bikini weight. We get down to two X's. You eat quinoa now, so get that two X's. We're doing a special deal where you get the Last Gaps shirt and a signed Deadbeat Hero for $17. All right. Well, there you have it. That's it.

And for the Canadian tour, remember the Last Gasp tour, which started somewhere a year and a half ago. Yeah, it was a while. It's basically the same tour. You change up the name because you like to have new artwork and new posters. But it's pretty much the same. When we started this shit, after the last special came out, Beer Hall Putsch, we were playing Canada, and I had to have all new shit that wasn't on that special. So that was titled the Tiny Blisters Tour on that special. So we had that.

That was titled the Tiny Blisters Tour on the poster. And we're calling this the Weeping Lesions Tour in Canada because this is all what became of that tour almost two years ago. From the tiny blisters, now this is the weeping lesions that the herpes of that tour became all those little tiny ideas that we're trying to flesh out. Well, it became this.

So you might hear some subjects that are similar, but yeah, they, now they have fucking jokes. If I can remember, I'll be studying, but yeah. Yeah.

And that's what we're bringing to the uk is two years of working this fucking set out minus the shit that doesn't work outside this country which is always a lot plus a new suicide joke yeah if you see me in the last year fuck off don't come to these shows someone just said hey so you know australia i'm thinking of coming to the uh we have just added manchester that's i don't there's no specific date for Newcastle. Don't email me. When I know the date is going out, you'll be the first to know. I don't have towns I'm playing that I'm not telling you about.

Well, yeah, hey, let's keep Glasgow secret and spring it on them. Go, boo! Glasgow! Six people in the audience. Yeah, don't worry. We want you to come. Glasgow! Six people in the audience. Don't worry, we want you to come. So I will tell you as soon as they are solid. But yeah, it's going to be same shit as Australia.

So if you're trying to make that easy commute, fuck off. And that's it. Let's wrap up with the kids here on their magical tour bus in their blue. How do you like the Negroni? Oh, that's awesome. We were off the air.

You said, hey, you asked me what I wanted to drink. I want to try one of those Negronis that you talk about. They're bitter and awful. And Derek, not so much a fan, but he's a beer drinker. It's not bad. It's very good on the palate. You know, like coffee. It's just something you put on your tongue, and you can drinker. It's not bad. It's very good on the palate. You know, like coffee. It's something you put on your tongue, and you can drink slow.

I like it. No idea what that. Chaley just wrote something down on the board. Instagram? Oh, Instagram. I have an Instagram account that I have not thought of since Brian put it on my phone and showed me how to post my first Instagram. Real Stan Hope.

So, yeah, eventually when I have something to take a picture of, other than me staring at a fucking computer screen trying to write a dumb book. Yeah. When I'm like these kids out there in the real world. Are you guys on Instagram? Yeah. You are at Ben Kaplan with a C. B-L Kaplan.

Oh, sorry. B-L Kaplan with a C. And you are? D-Rock Hayden. D-R-O-C-K-H-A-Y-D-O-N. All right. I couldn't say that again. If anyone's as drunk as I am.

It's D-Rock Hayden. D-R-O-C-K-D-Rock Hayden. H-A-Y-D-O-N. H-A-Y-D-O-N. Unlike the composer, who is a Y-N, like Lily Hayden. See, there's a lot of references here, and they'll find you. They'll find you on Twitter. Follow their escapades as they drive as young men across the country,

just like a little Beavis and Butthead, the White Castle ones. Kumar and Heidi. I don't know. One of them. Heidi and Kumar. Kumar and... Yeah. Heidi. I don't know. One of them. Heidi and Kumar. Yeah. Explore America. It's coming up.

All right. You know what? I can't play the Matoid because of this kid that died. So here's the old bit about my fan that killed himself with helium. My friend Goodnight Clark Adams is the name of the track. From Across the Street is the album. So there you go. Enjoy this, Wendy.

Murderer. So we do this show after the party. We had scheduled a show in Vegas because there's like 12 fucking great comics at this party. We never get to work together. Let's schedule a free show at my buddy's bar. We're going out of Vegas airport anyway. We'll take one night. Sounded like a great idea three months ahead of time. We weren't calculating in how we would feel after four days of fucking brain raping hallucinogen use and other so we dad this show scheduled and we have to do it and nobody wants to do this show everyone's like just strung out comedy what the fuck is that i don't know why anything i've ever

said elicits laughter how is comedy a a business, you're thinking? People get paid to do this? Are we so bereft as a species of laughter that you will actually pay money? I have chicks that give me shit about all the whores I've fucked. You really slept with that many prostitutes and you talk about it like you're proud about it that i think that's sad i think it's sad if you have to pay for it you just paid me 20 bucks just to chuckle whore we're all fucking sad we're sad on every level what are you talking about so this show it's a it's just one comic after another that doesn't want to be there, and I'm just phoning everything in.

Did you ever see that one commercial? I can't believe I say this. It's such an empty fucking thought. I'm awful, and I just phoned in this piece of shit show, but it was a free show, so we're going, fuck it, you get what you pay for. We wrote it off. I forget that a lot of people do go out of their way to see

me for fucking free or twenty dollars it doesn't matter to them and two days later i get a myspace fucking email doug you might not remember me i was the blonde woman at your show at tommy rockers in las vegas i had you sign a thing for me blah. I just wanted you to know that my best friend and your biggest fan, Clark Adams, saw your show as the last thing he did on this earth. On Monday, he took his own life. This guy not only killed himself, he had planned his own suicide, postponed it because he saw I was coming to town, and he never missed my shows.

it because he saw I was coming to town and he never missed my shows. He killed it. And you're going, all I could think is, that show sucked ass. That was the worst show I've done in years. Why didn't you tell me about this?

Why didn't you send me an email ahead of time? Hey, I'm going to kill myself on Monday, but I'm going to see you Sunday first. I hope you have a great show. I would have prepared more. I would have sat in a fucking coffee shop and wrote out a set list. I wouldn't pander like comedy clubs do

for a fucking birthday party or bachelorettes, but you're going to kill yourself after the show. I'll song and dance a bit for you. Oh, we've got a special event over here at table four. What's your name? Oh, nice to have you out, Clark. I'll do that. Because I understand that mentality.

I'm not the kind of guy that if you tell me you're going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. What am I going to say? Oh, well, there's so much to live for. No, there isn't. Come on, there's hope. Where? I haven't found any. I think about suicide every fucking day of my life,

and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea. Once I have a perfect idea, like something that's, like, really funny and disturbing the same time like the stuff i look for in my act it's something that you go i'm ashamed i laugh when that will elicit the response when someone tells you hey did you hear doug stanhope killed himself oh that's really fucked up no wait this is good you. You're going to love this.

When I get that idea, I think I'm going to do it right away. Because I will be so paranoid that someone will steal it from me. In Norway, and a dude says, I have your perfect suicide. I can't do Norwegian. I have your perfect suicide. I can't do Norwegian. I have your perfect suicide idea. He said, you jump off a building with a rope tied to your feet. And you have a thin wire around your neck that stops short of the rope. So it cuts off your head.

But you glue your hands to each side of your head. So when you swing... That is fucking brilliant. But it's yours. It's the last way you want to die as a comic is doing someone else's material why didn't i think about myself you tell me you're gonna kill yourself the only thing i'm gonna ask you to pry into your personal business is how you're gonna do it i want to know I want to know what you came up with. I had asked the lady who emailed me about Clark Adams.

I'm like, I sent a couple, you know, consoling. I'm sorry, I'm sure he's a great guy. And, you know, blah, blah, blah. Third email. By the way, how did Clark pass? And I get a one-word answer back. Helium. You can't just leave me hanging all alone with helium.

I need some follow-up to helium, but I can't gouge her for details. I know you're mourning right now, but between sobs, if you get a moment, could you explain graphically how someone kills themselves with fucking helium but you don't have to ask I would figure it out oh wait Google that's right we have Google for brains we don't need fucking

helium suicide search and it's a lot of the bunch of shit it's evidently a lot more common than I could have ever imagined it's not it's like it's a bunch of shit. It's evidently a lot more common than I could have ever imagined. It's like a painless asphyxiation. It's like carbon monoxide, only it's not nearly as popular because more people have a car and a garage than they have fucking clown shoes and a balloon tank hanging around in the basement

for a gloomy Monday. Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, Clark Adams, and goodnight, Cape Fear! Goodnight!