The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#77: Stanhope's Heckles Come Home to Roost

Episode Date: June 3, 2015

Stanhope's Heckles Come Home to Roost.Recorded May 23, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPELinks-World Motern Day Spotify Link - http://spoti.fi/1GMlSRIStanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "List of Demands" by Saul Williams, available on iTunes. Mishka Shubaly music and Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one who's drinking tonight Doug Stano Podcast, here we go, cranking them out one after another.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, all right. Today we're going to talk about July 5th, 1993. Why don't I just start there and we'll move forward? Because as I write this book, I have to go through all this shit and dig up all these points from my past, get some kind of chronological order that's accurate,

and found a ticket stub. I went to a Minnesota Twins game, not the Bobby Barnett game, but around that same era. It was July 5th, 1993. The Twins were playing the Detroit Tigers, and I was working at Knucklehead's Comedy Club, and the Knucklehead staff got 10 free tickets to be in the Leinenkugel's Beer Skybox

with all the free Leinenkugel's we could drink, which was probably quite a bit. The Leinenkugel's is the summer shandy. I hope not delicious i fucking hate that yeah shandy it's one of those it's beer and lemonade yeah shandy is just a word you don't want to say like moons over my hammy or rudy tootie fresh and free i'm not gonna say shandy can i get a nice shandy so it was line Line and Kugel. So you can order that and be proud. And we had this

Line and Kugel Skybox that we shared with other people that wished Comedy Club folk weren't there. And Steve-O and Brian. Steve-O was the sound guy or door guy. Not the Steve-O from... No, no. Steve-O was a friend of ours. It was all these knuckleheads. Christina

Sparolini was there, the girl that I was so in love with when Bobby Barnett blew me off. I was in love with them both. I always fell in love. And so then we're doing mushrooms on top of this. Steve-O, the door guy, he used to work at the Metrodome,

so he knew all these back passages. Metrodome is like a big, like a sports arena. The Twins played. It's where the fucking ceiling caved in. And the Vikings were supposed to play. Yeah, and it all fell apart. It was weird because you couldn't, you had to go through revolving doors

because it was inflated on some level. So if you opened an emergency exit, it started a wind tunnel. If you didn't go through the revolving door. The inside was positive pressure. Yeah, we did do that at the end of the night. We did go through the wrong way just to see because they warn you heavily. And at some point we're in the Tigers dugout tripping because he knows all these back alleyways to get into the dugouts and so it's before the game there's a couple tigers that uh sitting in there and we just walk in like black coal eyes

tripping weird kids with mullets you guys are like peeking on mushrooms at the time we're traveling i don't know exactly what point but i remember looking i'll go we're in the fucking dugout of a major league baseball game and no one's saying anything to us and like like going down like the the like the catacombs of a a the metrodome or whatever wherever you're at you're like behind the scenes and not you know you're not supposed to be there yeah but i know he worked there so when we get in there everyone assumes that if they're in here they must have a reason yeah there's no signage you don't know where you're going i don't know so we stood there for a few minutes no one threw us out we can't stay

here keep going let's go back to the free beer and i remember we're in uh the outfield the box is right over the outfielder. So we're heckling him because it's Minnesota and they're really weak ass fans. They're not like Philly fans. They're not throwing batteries. They're families enjoying a game, having a beer. So it's so quiet that we can yell at the outfielder. And it's enclosed.

Yeah. Yeah. Just like we're in this room. I could talk to that guy. I didn't have to yell at him, but I chose to. Heckling's always wrong in comedy, but no, not in baseball. You have to make it entertaining. It's your

job. In comedy, it's my job. In baseball, you gotta... So I was... And I didn't know the rules. I didn't know the rules. I didn't know the – all right. I didn't know the levels of – you can't be brutal like people are to me at my show. So the guy's name was Rob Deere.

He's an outfielder. And so I'm just – I'm yelling whatever I can yell at him. And then I'm starting to get creative as the beers kick in. And I go, anyone know where this guy used to play? Baseball players, there's no franchise guy except in the Yankees. Someone said that he used to play for the Brewers. So I screamed. We're in the outfield.

I bet home plate could hear me. I go, hey, Rob Deere, you know why you got traded from the Brewers? Because everyone in Milwaukee is tired of fucking your wife. I don't know if it was immediate or when the inning ended that he turned around and hit it with his glove from everyone else, and he gave me the finger behind his glove and trotted off and i was so proud yeah that i got flipped off like a guy even he even addressed me he's a pro ball player he heard me that was me so you kind of understand a heckler's point of view like even guys you know this guys we've had

thrown out of shows that we're proud just to get thrown out of the show. I hope you don't come back. I don't want to. But you got a little taste of that. I got a little taste. And then afterwards, we were so fucked up. We hung around.

We drank as much free beer because it's a box. It's a no-host bar. Yeah. And we drank. And then we ran out on the field. There's no one left. There's no one left in. There's not someone. It's a no-host bar. Yeah. Yeah. And we drank, and then we ran out on the field. What? There's no one left. There's no one left in there except the groundskeeper.

So we're tripping, and we're drunk, and we walked out on the field. Like, where are the field? The twins' field. And they threw us out of there, and then we opened the door that we weren't supposed to open to get the wind tunnel effect. Yeah, and then he starts coming down in the middle. Yeah, but it would take a while to deflate it with one emergency exit. Is there a door open somewhere?

I can touch the ceiling. So a couple of trips ago, we made friends with John Rocker, who was in Atlanta. I'm outside. I'm smoking cigarettes. When I was quitting smoking, last time I quit smoking.

And so I'm only smoking just before and after shows. And after the show, I'm out there. Does anyone get a cigarette? And there's this fucking monstrosity of steroids, caveman skull, and hot big-titted girlfriend. So they're giving me cigarettes and chatting, and then he tries to follow us into the green room, and bingo shuts the door on him.

Says, no one's in the green room. I go, no, that guy's cool because he had cigarettes. I think I've told this story. He comes in. Somehow he drops the fact that he's John Rocker. Carlos Valencia is there, and he's shit-faced and going, John Rocker, I'm a Mets fan. Fuck you.

Like, John Rocker? Seriously? That's the pitcher that eastbounded down? You didn't recognize him. I had no idea. Bumming cigarettes. You're looking at the cigarettes. Yeah, I didn't know.

It was American Spirits. When he said he's John Rocker, I'm like, fuck the John Rocker? Oh, fuck yeah. So the night went off into, yeah. Jim Goad was there no jim goad came the next night and john rocker was supposed to show up to do the podcast and then it didn't work out and i was doing an interview with jim goad so oh yeah jim goad was there he came back jim goad came back the next night and the podcast failed because john rocker got fucked way late. We still did a podcast with Jim Goad.

We did it, yeah. And an interview at the same time. Anyway, John Rocker is doing a baseball. We've become friendly since then. And he's playing for the Killer Termites for you out there.

Can you drop that right now? Well, it's not official. We haven't signed contracts, but for the killer termites for you out there. Can you drop that right now? Is that? Well, it's not official. We haven't signed contracts, but he, he should be verbal agreement. Well,

we have to try him out and he's going to pass some drug tests. See if he's still got the zing. See if he's still doing it on the slider. Yeah. So he's doing a baseball camp down here in Tombstone for kids. Tombstone is how far from Bisbee? It's the next town over 25 miles away. That's what I explained to him. It was 25 miles, but it's the next town over.

There's nothing in between but Wile E. Coyote. And I said, well, we're going to be in Canada while he's fucking here. Exact dates. He's a hardcore part in Canada while he's fucking here. Exact date. He's a hardcore partier. He is a fucking monster. And I, ah, shit, I'm not canceling dates for that. But I said, Bingo and Tracy will be here because it's just me and Chaley on the road. They'll hook you up.

Use plenty of places to stay. We have plenty of fucking trailers. You can bring an extra guy now. Yeah, I was going to say, I go stay here because there's nothing in Tombstone. to stay we have plenty of fucking trailers you can bring an extra guy now i was gonna say uh i i go stay here because there's nothing in tombstone and uh so he texted back he says well i got two uh ex-ball players and the event coordinator can you handle all of us i'm like hell yeah we got trailers galore i almost texted By the way, the one we call the rape trailer, that's just a joke. We say that facetiously, just so you know.

Unless you're into it. Tombstone, by the way, I just saw the paper. There's only two chicks here, and they're our girlfriends. It's not like there's going to be a lot of fucking poon for them to sort through. Old Bisbee poon. Tombstone, by the way, I just saw the paper. Population, like 1,300. Yeah, there's nothing there. There's a gas station.

There's motels, but they're going to go out where? In Bisbee, no one's going to fuck with them. No one gives a shit. Up there, they do. Oh, you pro ball player. It would be a fucking nightmare. So you're saying John Rocker could blend in in Bisbee? So I said, too bad you're not there, man.

Tell Bingo to buy an extra liver, because I'm bringing one of my ex-pro ball player buddies. And if there's anyone who parties harder than a pro ball player, it's a retired pro ball player. So I texted back, anyone I know? Rob Deere, the guy that on July 5th, 1993, gave me the finger in the Metrodome. It's the guy that's coming down with fucking John Rocker and his two other pals to party it up. And I told him the story immediately. And I go, I shouldn't have told him that. God knows what some fucking 50-year-old ball player is going to do out of spite to my house or my girlfriend.

He gave you a gloved finger. That was a real fuck you. That was like, hey, I'm putting this right in your head. Yeah, it's like one of those little things on the side of the road where they have, god damn it, I'm not even going to be able to come up with the name. You're an author. Yeah, I know. I get paid to write this shit hamana hamana

what are you talking about the fucking thing in the back of the hing loon there they put all the things you're saying thing a lot you know they have mother Mary and they put candles around it and it's a little half half shell thing on the side of the road for a memorial

but what's the thing the glove is of the road for a memorial. Like a memorial on the side. But what's the thing? The glove is around the finger, like that whole. So the middle finger is like the Virgin Mary? It's a sound shell. I don't know what it's called. It doesn't matter. So, yeah, that's what's going to be going on while we're in Canada. Welcome, Mr. Deere.

You get the rape trailer. You need to leave him like a welcome basket. Well, here's the thing. With a big metal finger. I told Bingo. In a glove. Bingo's been a guest on the show now, and she's also cut a commercial with us. She's a voiceover artist. Yeah, voiceover.

I go, listen, you know how Johnny Carson couldn't always be there? Sometimes he needed a vacation. He'd get Joan Rivers to cover for a while. You're going to have to be the guest host for the Doug Stanhope podcast with Rob Deere and John Rocker when they're hanging out here. And Joby knows. Joby's a baseball guy. He can come, you know, Phil, Tracy.

I think it's mandatory that Joby be here. He can sleep on the couch in the black knob in the trailies. Maybe if he starts juicing. That eastbound and down might be based on John Rocker, but he still looks like he's playing weight. He doesn't

look like Danny, whatever. So, yeah. That's what we're going gonna be missing for you Montreal and Ottawa Montreal will fucking live up

Ottawa you hope for the best I have very fond memories of Montreal I had no idea what the fuck was happening they all speak French there they want to no they don't want to they're forced to I had no idea what the fuck was happening. They all speak French there. They want to.

No, they don't want to. They're forced to. They're forced to? You can't have a sign. If you have a business, you have to have it in French first and then put English underneath it. See, I thought that was want. That's forced? No, it's forced. It's a law.

You can't. They're fucking. The government are cunts. The people are fucking great. And that's kind of a standing rule anywhere the government is a cunt the fucking people

Utah, we play Salt Lake how are you going to do in Salt Lake? they're fucking great people because they're rebelling against something it's places like San Francisco where people, yeah, hear your point of view all the time. So this is a let's just cut to you, Greg Chaley.

Me? Yeah, we're cutting to you. There's no segue. I'm looking for a segue that's smooth. There's not a story until you say what you're going to say next. You fucking have the Post-it note over there. Oh, okay. You conveniently didn't put it on the board because I would have loved to open with that on the last podcast.

I was writing things down, and he said, that's everything. We got enough. We were drinking the other night while I wasn't writing my book. while I wasn't writing my book. And Chaley said, hey, do you remember this time back when you lived in Tampa with another girl? You had gone like three years without a girl, without ever even smelling the fingers of a man who had a girl. Was it three years? years yeah it was fucking rough

because you're a goddamn good looking man thank you sir i like you know what i like it when you fucking grow the scruff out a bit really the gray scruff on you is a you're a fucking you're as hot as gene conners for an old man both of who keep their shirts on you know you can be an attractive man and not fucking grease up your chest on a Cetagenics commercial, then you're disgusting. Chaley doesn't wax his chest and walk around doing fucking squats

and leg bends and showing off his pecs and his guats and stuff. Yeah, all those muscles and shit. Doug is so advanced in musculature. Yeah, he's got a fucking good beer gut. It starts up here at

the solar plexus and then it remains the same. It doesn't blow it out. It just pushes out from the solar plexus to the waist. That's what they called a beer gut. That's a beer barrel gut. A keg.

A pony keg, if you will. A pony keg. Yeah, it's not grotesque. You don't need to fucking... Point is, you're a good-looking man. I had no idea I was under such scrutiny. Scrutiny? Fucking, I was marveling at your beauty. Scrutiny?

Fucking, I was marveling at your beauty. And then what happened is you brought up an old story from Tampa when you were dating some other girl, and I was staying at your house with the bingo Bingaman back when she was bald and really tits up. No. No, no. What? Those are two different times.

Who cares? All right. I'll cut that out it was sometime she what was she had hair that's gonna make the story different because you know where this story is going no big old head hair don't cut to the poem no i just get to the poem that would let you i'm gonna let you tell this and i'll chime in because you know you tell it because you tell a story better. No, you're the one who told me, and then I was going, like all my memories that I don't remember, as someone tells me, I'm like, oh, fuck, that's right, and then this happened. But I don't remember it from scratch.

I was staying at your place in Tampa. I had just arrived in Tampa, and it was at this girl's – I moved from Seattle to Tampa. I quit my job at Real Networks and fucking – I left. Yeah, you go three years without pussy as a young man. You make some bad choices, and Florida can be one of them. Heroin, Florida, porn. Are they equal? Yeah.

And you came to town. You work in side splitters. Ugh. Yeah. And I was going to record the night, so I scrambled around looking for equipment. I just got to town. I don't know anyone out there. So we have a dap player set up in the back, and I'm working on that,

and then you come up to me before the show starts, right before you go on, and you go, hey, can you go out to the car and grab my notebook? And I didn't even think about it. You never, like – I don't bring a notebook. Never. Never. I've occasionally brought notes on stage, but not the book.

The book. And you said, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's in the car. Can you go grab it? I'm like, well, it's weird, but I don't think about it. Showtime. You don't have time. Go, go. Ours is just to do or die, et cetera. I come back

in, hand you the notebook, you go right on stage. And then I'm up with headphones on, checking the levels, trying to do this thing. Not really paying attention to what happens. And you basically go on stage and your whole the start of this, like you've got a huge following in this area. Brett Erickson's there, Carrie Mitchell.

I think this developed or was taken from, at that year it must have been taken from now that I think of it. Kind of like when you told me about this the other night, it was about weddings, and I'd rather see my best friend blow a guy than do all this ridiculous shit in a wedding. The reason I love you, Joyce, and when I first saw you. So the way you described it,

I was probably just using that bit of, I'd rather see you blow a guy than watch you embarrass yourself like this in a wedding but i changed it to this poem i had found that you had written you did this whole build-up of how you know when you see something and it's so fucking disturbing you just you went into this like this so dark area and I'm still looking at the levels. I'm not even paying attention. And I just arrived in town where my girlfriend is known at this club, and everyone – oh, here's the guy who came from Seattle. And it's like, oh, hey, nice to meet you.

And remember that guy's name. It's this whole thing, and you go on stage. Trying to make a reputation for yourself. Well, you want to be nice nice and now you're in town. I'm going to be there forever. It's all her friends, none of yours. I'm going to be in Tampa forever, man. And then you get to,

basically the gist of it is that you had, you reveal that you saw this poem on our fridge and that was what you had me go fetch. You saw this poem on our fridge. And that was what you had me go fetch. I almost forgot the poem. That you went out so you could read it. You stole the fucking note off the fridge. You took the fucking, like, the note between me and my girlfriend at the time.

You took that and stuck it in your notebook. It wasn't between you and your girlfriend. It was between you and my girlfriend at the time. You took that and stuck it in your notebook. It wasn't between you and your girlfriend. It was between you and the fridge. If I wanted to eat, I had to read your poem that you thought... She had a kid, too. She had a young teenage kid. You don't think that disturbed him?

Where is he now? Some fucking weird bathhouse? Not doing very well, by the way. Spitwindled? Spitwindled? Spitwindled? Yeah. I don't know. Dick in each side.

I don't know. That's not where he's at now. Oh, I'm sorry. Tell me the gay glossary right after you tell me the poem. Because you remember the poem. You said you would rather walk into your best friend sucking off a dog. I didn't say spit-windled. No. Then to have to read this poem.

And then I read the poem to the audience as my opening bit. And you know the poem. I want you to read the poem. Do audience as my opening bit. And you know the poem. I want you to read the poem. Do you want me to read it or do you want to read it? No, I want you to read it because you wrote it from the heart. You wrote it and then put it on the refrigerator. For the person I wrote it for. Not for you.

And her son and all your houseguests. Well, anyone who wanted a snack. The poem, Untitled. Joby, stay around for this. You're going to hear his poem to his girl that I read on stage as an opening act. I have to tell you that I actually... As an opening for my act. Since then, when we talked about it, I had to work it out.

I did leave one syllable out. So I want to go ahead. And now Deaf Poetry Slam presents Greg Chaley. I am a spaceship. And you are the moon. A wonderful crash landing happening soon. Thank you. No.

That's it? That was it? It was a fucking post-it note. It wasn't a fucking brief hanging off the thing. It still would hurt. It still hurts to listen to you say it. The way you wrote it was some kind of... I moved across the country.

How'd that relationship work out? Pretty good for one of us. It worked out great. No ill feelings. It went great. Was it crash landing? Happened soon. Alright, we're going to take a break and watch some hockey.

Doug's going to go find someone to suck off a dog. Greg Chaley, you can find... First of all, for everyone who obviously has a hard time spelling his last name, email gregchaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E, at gchaley at gmail.com. And send him your poems about how much, just four-liners, just like his. Is that a four-liner? Yeah, send him poems that are disgusting and disturbing about how much you love him or hate him on the podcast. about how much you love him or hate him on the podcast.

G Chaley, C H a I L L E at gmail.com. And we'll be right back after this podcast has been canceled. Hey Doug, you know what day it is? Uh, it's, uh,

June 3rd. Yes. But you know what day it is? No, June 3rd. Yes, but you know what day it is? No, I have no idea. It's World Moturn Day. Moturn, as in the people that do those dumb jingles and crank out 8,000 songs a day? If by people you mean one guy named Matt Farley, who's created 17,000 songs since 2008, you would be correct. Well, what the hell is World Moturn Day? World Moturn Day is the day, June 3rd,

that he has made his amazing Spotify playlist of eight hours of original material available. And if everyone listens, basically, he gets $1.50 per person. Wow, that sounds like a scam we could do for someone that we know. We tried to listen to a select number of those songs in a row on a drive to Sierra Vista, the ones that had good poop titles, which were a lot, and we couldn't listen to any more. I suggest listening to World Modern Day on mute. That works too.

All right. Well, that's what you get for getting a jingle is you just got to plug. Hey, today's June 3rd, World Moturn Day. If you want to help someone scam Spotify, is it? Spotify. Which probably plays our shit and now we'll probably get blacklisted for even promoting this. Or how about World mishka day world village day but these guys do have eight solid hours of one and a half minute songs at

best so fuck it go world modern day hey get your friends to join in it's world modern day it'll be fine for my turn. NBA finals. I'm a golden state warriors fan. Uh, just cause no one knows where they're from. Even, even when they were talking about it, they go, the Bay city is all.

Okay. I know it's a Bay city. Most people don't know where the golden state is. Uh, do you know, uh, uh, the,

uh, the orchard state, which one's that? All right. I just just made that up but there's no orchard keystone state where is it kentucky no it's fucking pennsylvania is it so if you're the golden state warriors yeah you might well i i love kentucky go golden state now it's california and i know they play in Bay Area, and I still don't know if they're in Oakland or San Francisco. And I love that. And they're kind of a forgotten. Sacramento.

No, it's not Sacramento. That's a Sacramento Kings. Golden State Warriors. I think they're based out of Sacramento. No, Sacramento Kings are based out of. They're either Oakland or San Francisco. I don't know where they play. That's why I love them. that's why I'm rooting for them

and they haven't been around you never hear about them they're out of the fucking blue love it so Stephen Curry great three-pointing keep your fucking mouth guard in your fucking mouth all you guys who have a fucking mouth guard

and you dangle it out how did you Chaley described it as though you had a giant piece of bubble gum that only the fucking tail end was in your mouth and you just kept chewing it it's fucking disgusting, I don't know what's

more disgusting, baseball players who spit and they chew, either chewing tobacco or sunflower seeds and just what's fucking with your oral obsession that you... It's fucking gross. Listen, they are so obsessed with their look,

the way they appear. The NBA has rules that you're supposed to look a certain way when you do the press conference and everything. Look at yourself and say, is that how I want the world to see me? With this thing chewing, grinding on this thing in your mouth. Oh, come on. Jesus.

It's not even blood-soaked. If it was blood-soaked, it would seem more manly. It's repulsive. Tying into the baseball, I had all the way Aldridge. Danny Aldridge, Daniel Aldridge, the baseball i had all the way aldrich danny aldrich daniel aldrich is one of the ball players for the uh bisbee uh what were they now defunct now defunct bisbee blue yeah they're defunct now we have no baseball here except uh for the bisbee killer termites that were starting up uh yeah you have this on the board says all the way all the way Aldridge plays for Alpine in Alpine, Texas,

which is a cool town. And he had to attend Jesus camp just – and I thought this was your story. And you're like, no, you talked to him for a long time on the phone. And you called me and said, Chaley, write this on the whiteboard. What time was that? It was after I came home from cocktails with you. All right.

See, I have no... Okay, well, Bingo said I was stone sober when I talked to him, and that's more terrifying. I forget a lot of shit, but I have no idea, and I'm too fucking embarrassed to call him back and go, hey, I heard I talked to you the other night. That's a great story. You had to play for Alpine where they consistently lose money.

I owe my soul to the company store. Well, yeah, we do pay you $50 a week, but you did break two bats, so you owe us $40. It's not even his best story of his young baseball career. he has a he has some great stories so we should have had him on the he probably couldn't tell him anyway well this is still trying to play this makes it more interesting juxtaposed to the other things that he now has to do this i am yeah i have no fucking clue and that was this week i don't that was days ago. I have fucking no recollection. I sometimes wonder if it's the Xanax,

because I've been so worked up that I've been taking Xanax to sleep. A few nights. You can do over-the-counters. I don't understand why you do Xanax. I forget. I forget that I have over-the-counters. That's all you need is an over-the-counter. This is why I want an intervention.

What time do you want to do it? Everyone who gets an intervention is a fuck-up. I want an intervention where I am a functioning guy all right hey well this is how you hurt me you talked to danny all the way aldrich a baseball player that uh was an exchange student at your house for a season and then you called him on the phone drunk and then you can't remember the story for your podcast and that hurt me and i think you need to accept this gift i want an intervention where i'm a functioning alcoholic that i have i have a whole spread i don't have to go out and suck dicks during the day to hopefully get a fifth of a thing to chug i have nice

cocktails i have name brand cocktails we drink drink Negroni's. Top shelf. And whiskey sours. Scratch whiskey sours with fresh juice. Yes. Homemade simple syrup. Yeah. You ever see a fucking syrup? No one on intervention has ever gone,

I'm going to double up on the Drambuie and this rusty nail. Fuck it. I don't care anymore. So this is my idea for the intervention. I'm functional. I have plenty of money. I can buy whatever kind of cocktail I like at any hour or send Derek. I can send Derek to get me cock.

You know what? We're out of Galliano, and we want a slow screw up against a wall. Harvey Wallbanger. A Harvey Wallbanger. So I send my houseboy, Derek, with his gimp out to get Galliano because I was so drunk I forgot to refill the stores. And the intervention itself will work like American Idol, where it's on the interventionist to convince me.

The onus is not on me. I'm the fucking breadwinner here. I have my own trailer park, asshole. You got it handled. You're living your life. You're telling me there's something wrong show me where it's wrong so i sit there like donald fucking trump on the apprentice and all the interventionists come in one at a time and they read my read their dumb letter to me

well i was also upset you go your letter stinks get out of my face and then there's one yeah if you can convince me to quit drinking for a period of time then you are the winner of intervention i'm just taking the whole thing and turn it around someone who finally like breaks through that barrier right and that gets you so maybe we'll have you up on like a, like those little things they put on your fingertips for like bioreth, some bullshit like that. Like if we can detect any, like if we can detect a heartbeat,

all of a sudden that person wins talking to you. Yeah. That's good. Is there any deceit in this? How, how involved are you in me being sober? I'm sorry. You can only answer yes or no.

I've been a guest at your house at least five or six times and you always say it's nice to meet you, but you've met me and that hurts my feelings because I watch your YouTubes. Yeah, I'm sorry. I meet a lot of people. You're fired! Next interventionist.

Really convinced me this time. I think that would be good. Yeah, I have a lot of notes uh i have notes here i have no fucking idea what i was thinking but that's if you haven't read my stand-up comedy notebooks most of them don't make any fucking sense if i even remember him i'm embarrassed thinking that was funny i watched amy schumer i think it was a clip on the because i don't i think I've only seen her show once. Hold on. Wait a minute.

What are you talking about? It's just something I watched on the internet about Amy Schumer's last fuckable day. Oh, the 12 Angry Men? No, no. I saw a piece of that with you, and I'm going to watch this in full. Fucking love that. Yeah, you told me you watched the full version. I've never seen an episode of hers, and that was it that i saw that one and i'm like wow i saw one where

she auditioned for uh two girls one cup like but it was as a hollywood audition i was up for that very funny it was it was that kind of thing uh and i think that was her first episode or her first season i'm actually in litigation with them. Discrimination. Why can't a guy do that? How about two girls, two cups? I mean, that's only fair. It should be two cups.

Two girls, one cup, and a guy. What the fuck? Well, someone had to do something in that cup, and you just assume it's a dude. Oh, no, they were sharing a cup. All right. Now that I remember the story. Who filled let's see let's get the behind the music you have to go to intervention doug stanhope you were trying to talk about two girls one cup and

no that was their own poop in the cup and you can't even recall that. All right. See you win. You can drink pee. It's sterile. Only your own pee. It was a sketch about she's walking, hiking through the woods or whatever. Amy Schumer. Yeah. And she stumbles across a table with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and two other chicks that age. They're famous.

I don't know who they are. Tina Fey. Tina Fey was one of them. And then someone else I didn't know. Did I get that right? Yeah, you did. Yeah, Tina Fey. Someone that I'm supposed to know. She did a good Sarah Palin.

Other than that, I'm out of the loop. Well, I'm thinking old funny girls. Yeah, and they were celebrating Julia Louis-Dreyfus's last fuckable day. She hit that cutoff where she's no longer able to be cast in movies because she's no longer pretty. And it's funny

to an extent. And yes, they do. They put fat dudes with young women in sitcoms. Jack Nicholson. Why can't you make your own fucking movies? There's such a free market element where people who do this for a living get upset at, well, they won't cast. But I got to know a little bit of a Twitter spat about, what's her freak head?

uh what's her freak head maggie gyllenhaal came out and said i'm 37 and they said that i was too old to play the wife of a 55 year old man and that's but first of all i i tweeted that uh maybe they're just trying to be polite and they don't want to say you're too freakish looking because she does have a weird looking head you know that dan tosh wears that mask a lot on tosh.0 we actually had it here the big giant crying baby head yeah yeah get it on amazon that's what maggie gyllenhaal looks like no she does i mean to an extent that's it's an exaggerated maggie it's a crying. But my whole point was all these people, when we try to do the unbookables and we get all these emails, yeah, none of these clubs will book me because I'm too dirty.

They're saying you're too dirty because they don't want to be rude and say you're not funny. And that was my point with the Maggie Gyllenhaal. Hey, maybe they just don't want to say you fucking look weird. Rather, okay, we'll just say you're too old for the part. Wow, Jesus, what's wrong with her head?

Because you'd much rather be told that you're too old than you're too ugly. I've covered this with the fucking. But she has that look. Maggie Gyllenhaal has this, I call her Maggie. Had. No, she has a look currently. Has a look. She's the older woman that gets cheated on in the relationship, not the one someone cheats with.

I think that that part they were looking for was the person that is the younger person in this whole thing. The problem – the overlying problem in this whole discussion is the market. Don't fucking bitch is the market. Don't fucking bitch at the producers. Every fucking good movie that comes out now goes straight. I find them randomly on in-house TV movies that you rent in the hotel. And you're like, how did I not know this movie? The one about not Whitey Bulger, but that was a good movie. No, no.

There was one about the the the irish guy yeah it was uh one of the one of the last movies one of the last movies that uh what the fuck he died uh heroin overdose uh three names philip yeah is that the one i don't think so it was the point is that the shit that people eat up you there are good shows that go out there and they are canceled no one no one was watching deadwood fantastic yeah well they didn't get right so yeah if you want to fucking make movies ladies oh i want to be cast as this well then you know what fucking pony up you have a shitload of money together old actresses that used to be fucking hot and bookable yeah make your own movies call oprah

or madonna and then see how many tickets you sell i'm on your side i'm the fucking guy that's unfuckable in comedy i have to carve out my own underground route because guess what no one really thinks this is funny except a select group of fucking misfits so don't go oh it's the casting people they know fucking people people are the problem so yeah make your own movies and settle for less yeah you're not gonna be on fucking people magazines cover how about you know there's some zine i get i've been on the cover of a zine i've been interviewed by websites of a certain inclination how about you don't fucking blame everybody no actually blame everybody it's not the people that do the casting it's the people who buy the fucking tickets so yeah blame them there's a way to play it people that do the casting. It's the people who buy the fucking tickets.

So yeah, blame them. There's a way to play it. There is. Do the movie, right? And then fucking go spend a week at Golden Corral. And then someone will take a picture of you with a big fucking shaley pony keg out in front of you. And then it's done. You will be back in the papers because everyone wants to see someone fail.

I'm completely on the side of, yeah, it is fucked up, but it's the marketplace that's fucked up, and it's sad that people watch this dog shit. Big bang theory. I've said it before. I will walk out of a bar and have a cigarette because that commercial's on. For the Big Bang Theory? Yeah, much less that's the most popular thing on TV. Number one.

How you feel as a woman of a certain age not being cast and being considered over the hill at a young age that's how i feel as a person who does comedy knowing that the number one comedy show on tv is the big bang theory do i am i protesting no i'm protesting with my own slow alcoholic suicide. That's my protest voice. So, yeah, shut up. Make your own movies. Fail miserably.

Realize people don't want to see you. They want to see this shit that they sell beer with and fuck off or live on less money and have artistic integrity i don't know i'm just am i wrong you're not wrong i'm just trying to i'm seriously i was staring at you but i was trying to think of when the last time i saw maggie gyllenhaal in a movie and what the name of it was what well everyone brings up secretary one of bingo's favorite movies really yeah she crawled like a dog and uh james spader was her boss and he was oh james better like it was the original 50 shades of gray which i've never seen but unfortunately i have to know about on even a surface level that i know it's probably like that it's some soft core

dog shit porn for fucking women who are afraid to watch porn. So that was her integrity? No, that's back when she was hot. This is like 20 years ago. Okay. And I didn't think she was hot. But it's not about whether I think she's hot or not. The tweet was about whether they were just being polite

by saying you're too old. James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal? Yeah. the slea stacks of comedy i mean come on what or hollywood i'm sorry slea stacks i just like back when they were drone like very drone like they're not like like strikingly good looking people the and these were the people they put in a 50 shades of gray before 50 shades of gray was something one of the yeah yeah it was it had this yeah chicks loved it oh uh fucking nine and a half weeks remember how all mickey rourke mickey rourke and hallie berry and it was some pseudo was it hallie berry i'm sure it was no it wasn't yeah it was fucking google it while i've come on be like i tell her to bring it i tell her to bring a computer to do our research.

I swear Halle Berry was in that. Maybe he did another one with... What's her name? Oh, wait. Monster? No, I'm thinking about Halle Berry with... Monster. No, I'm thinking about Halle Berry.

Was it Al Pacino in the fucking New Orleans? It's just one of those pseudo porn... Just keep looking it up. I think it's Kim Basinger. What are you doing? It's Kim Bassinger. They fucked in a refrigerator or some dumb shit. All the girls were talking about it.

That was it. And then it was that one. And then it was. Wait, who was talking about it? Every girl. You got to go see. And you go, I'll see Mickey Rourke in anything. And then you go and you go, ah, not anything.

Tricked. I was tricked! It's just softcore, not even softcore porn. They should have put Maggie Gyllenhaal in this. Another bit that fucking went nowhere because I did it on that Oslo thing.

It was the whole Blore thing. Don't put fuck scenes in my movies. I don't put bank robberies in your porn. Don't put fuck scenes in my movies. I don't put bank robberies in your porn. Don't put fuck scenes in a fucking bank robbery movie. There's no point to it. And they do that because women don't like porn, but they want romantic porn.

I don't know, but there's a reason that they put pointless fuck scenes in a movie where it does not advance the plot. Well, it's the Hollywood agenda of trying to placate the masses. You have to have... Because there's plenty of movies that can be made without a romantic interest. You can have a story. Most of them shouldn't have it.

No, but the producers fucking shoehorn it in. I was going for it. Give me that. We're in the cookie jar. But they do that because they think they have to do that and they don't want to take a chance on not putting it in there. But I'm sure the numbers add up somewhere where they go, no fucks. There'll be some kind of a fucking pie chart of like,

this is what happens when movies don't have. I wish I had instant recall but yeah tweet at me uh movies that don't have romantic interests fuck scenes that were great movies that's a long there's so hard to find where i i there's times where i go you know why i love that movie nope and i now I'm trying to think of one. Well, it seems like when they do that, they are like, they're acquiescing to a producer saying,

look, man, if we don't have the fucking lead get into a romantic situation, 18% of our female demographic is going to fucking drop off. And then you have to fucking do it. Are the numbers accurate? And if they are,

if they're not there's enough chicks out there with money they can produce films we go hey well this is uh yeah i'm gonna be a fuckable your challenge is interesting i don't think the old men had uh they had a love interest and she was uh and margaret was fucking hot. But not like, I'm going to beat off to this movie hot. She was very, very attractive. You keep groaning. Tracy's watching hockey. Tracy's the only one really into hockey. She's our Bill Burr.

Yeah. I just shit on the Blackhawks to fuck with Junior Stopka and the congressman, Gene, who's not even here to enjoy the thing. All right, yeah, so tweet me great movies. Or tweet me any movie that had a fuck scene that was intricate to the plot. And not a chick movie.

I fucked him. All right, at Doug Stanhope. movie. I fucked him. Alright. At Doug Stanhope. Thank you again for tweeting and Facebooking and spreading some word of mouth about my dates. Canada coming up.

October we have the UK. Those dates will be coming out as soon as we get them fucking verified. Don't yell at me. Well, you said you booked this, and I bought tickets for that, and now I have to drive all the way there, but you didn't know you were playing. All right, well, I'm sorry.

The venues don't all get together and say, okay, let's all call Brian Hennigan at once. They're fucking... The UK is such a pain in the ass. It's not easy like the States. I can call up fucking Tallahassee. I'm always shocked. Jacksonville, hey.

Underbelly. What's your September look like? And fucking drop all of it pretty quick. I'm always shocked when you go back to the UK. I'm always terrified. That's good bacon. I know. Wait, how did the hand cut bacon work out

i've cut like a dream so do you cut it thick is fucking perfect you don't have to freeze it or anything like that nope i'm i'm absolutely uh yeah uncut bacon from now on not uncircumcised it's a fucking circumcised pig because i'm jewish we make sure. We have them send us a picture. All right. You know what? The mattoid needs a week off. I want to play us out with what I think was the all-around favorite from the Tin Can Rehab to celebrate our new trailer park. Let's play Saul Williams' List of Demands.

Eat it up, motherfuckers! I'm just a victim of your fear You're cowering in your tower Praying that I'll disappear I got another plan One that requires me to stand On the stage or in the street Don't need no microphone to be And if you have this song If you ain't there to sing along Then it's wrong in the head But now you can't be you at all

I got a list of demands Written on the palm of my hands I'm on my mission You are no rise And we live in hell Sometimes you wanna be somebody See somebody Try and free somebody

Gotta listen to bands Written on the palm of my hands I'm on my fists and you will know where I stand We livin' in the mouth In the mouth I wrote a song for you today While I was sittin' in my room I jumped off my bed today

And played it on the broom I didn't think that it would be a song for you today while I was sitting in my room. I jumped up on my bed today and played it on the broom. I didn't think that it would be a song that you would hear. But when I played it in my head, I made you reappear. I wrote a video for it, and I acted out each part. And then I took your picture out and taped it to my heart. I taped it to my heart, dang it, I taped it to my heart. And then you pulled away from me, you did my life a part. I got a list of demands writtenitten on the palm of my hands

I'm on my fists and you will know where I stand We live in Antimount You wanna be somebody See somebody Try to free somebody Got a list of demands Written on the palm of my hands I'm on my fists and you will know where I stand

We live in Antimount Antimount Ecstasy suffering And we live in enema Enema Ecstasy suffering A kinesia buffering We aim to remember what we choose to forget God's just a baby And her diaper is wet Call the police

I'm strapped to the teeth And I have all the disregard you ever believed Calling the law I'm back to the teeth, and I have all the disregard in every belief. Calling the law, I'm fixing the draw. I lie between what is and ceases, call up a brawl. Calling them now, cause it's about to go pow. I'm standing on a stretch on all the ups and the downs. Calling for truth, because I'm about to break loose. We're taking that concern, I'm breaking out of my noose.

I got a list of demands, written on the palm of my hands. I'm on my visit,, but nowhere I stand. We live in Anderbouw. Still wanna be somebody, see somebody, try and free somebody. I got a list of demands written on the palm of my hands. I bought my missing you, but nowhere I stand. We live in Anderbouw. Anderbouw.

I got a list of demands Written on the palm of my hands I'm on my mission You gon' know where I stand We livin' in the mouth Still wanna be somebody See somebody Try and free somebody

Got a list of demands Written on the palm of my hands I'm on my mission You gon' know where I stand We livin' in the mouth In the mouth