The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#78: Chad, Jobi and Doug were Shitty Kids

Episode Date: June 5, 2015

Pic from ZOLT65 on the The SIMS Forum.  Chad, Jobi and Doug were shitty kids.Recorded May 30, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDfatty) and Jobi (@StanhopeCDP). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPELinks-GREEN FARMACY in Bisbee - http://on.fb.me/1Mt9nPNBERT KREISCHER'S BOOK - “LIFE OF THE PARTY” - http://amzn.to/1eTwho4JON GNARR'S BOOK - “Gnarr! How I Became the Mayor of a Large City in Iceland and Changed the World” - http://amzn.to/1AP3ZoPARTIE LANG'S BOOK - “CRASH AND BURN” - http://amzn.to/1BP2a69Stanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Summers Gone" by Aberfeldy, available on iTunes. Mishka Shubaly music and Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one who's hanging tonight We've done this enough. He has headphones with him, I think. There's some hanging on the wall beside you. Oh, there you go.

Yeah, try to put those over your giant fucking sombrero. Greg Chaley's not here for the Doug Stanhope podcast. So, Joby and Chad Shank are here. It's a weekend. It's fucking summer is here. It's hot as fuck. Equipment. God damn it.

That was such a beautiful lead into the fucking podcast, and I hit the wrong button because Chaley isn't here. Because he has side work with his dumb brother doing haunted house conventions. He's a ruiner. I know. Fucking drunk dialed me last night while I'm trying to write a book a million times, then calls it 8.30 in the morning after the girls fucking called it 7.30 in the morning. I get cranky. Like now I'm getting cranky. Like, hey, that fucking sleep's really important to me right now. I'm actually doing something that I have to work at. And I haven't done that in 30 years or something. I guess I tried a lot of comedy

when it hadn't all gone wrong for me. So yeah, Chad Shank, everyone's happy you're back. Thank you, sir. Off Suicide Watch for a one night furlough. As long as the fucking current tricks

keep up, we'll stick around. He was here and we obviously got fucked up and as I do at night demand, hey, don't drive. Whatever you do, don't drive. Just stay. There's a million beds. Stay so I can abuse you,

Derek. Stay. I'm drunk. You can't't drive i have to make fun of you but yeah that night i fell asleep quick and in the mornings did you see chad shank's facebook post i told him not to drive and i woke up early and he wasn't here so i know he drove at some point. But then there was his, your truck. It's my truck, but my daughter drives it. Not the one you had that night. No, not the one. I woke up in the chair in the fun house at 6 in the morning and then drove home.

I didn't drive home. I was fucking blackout drunk. Yeah, he was still drunk when he drove home i'm sure technically yeah but at least i could look like i'm going to work i can't leave here at three in the morning or two in the morning but i'm driving along with everybody else i look like a normal guy other than the fucking opening the door to vomit fucking repeatedly but other than that i look like a regular guy going home ch Chad's a bit of a puker. Yeah, apparently.

So, yeah, as we try to coordinate ourselves in the morning, Chaley looks at you. You see, Chad's Facebook said police just called and said they found his truck crashed in a ditch. And I'm, like, immediately thinking, oh oh he crashed my cover truck in a ditch and then stumbled home and hitchhiked or murdered a hobo and stole his bicycle to get home and then said oh my truck got stolen it's a good call i would do any of those things if that happened but it wasn't me i went home at six in the morning and went to sleep and slept for two hours and the

got a phone call from somebody I didn't know, and it was the police telling me, we just found your truck. And that's the one your daughter drives. Yes. It's some asshole friend of hers. It was a tweaker, the older fucking sister's tweaker boyfriend of her friend came and stole a truck in the middle of the night. Thief, stole all kinds of trucks he's wanted for...

In November, I looked him up. They told me his name and stuff, so I looked him up. In November, he was arrested for burglarizing 16 vehicles in one night in Sierra Vista. Still going to court for that. The cops told me that he had just stole the keys from the beer guy at Circle K to his truck. So apparently he doesn't learn. And good thing for him that the cops found him before you did. That's true.

Well, you'd found where he lives. Yeah, I found a lot of information about him. I went in a dark hole for a bit and started researching way too much, following his girlfriend's Twitter account and shit. That's not a good idea. Yeah. Yeah, I do a lot of that. Just to prove to yourself that you could.

If you had to, you could. Yeah, I was doing it with the intentions to finish it. Yeah, I don't ever have the intentions. It relieves me to know that I could find you and make your fucking life a living hell. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to burn his house down. I figured out where he was. I was just trying to figure out his sleep schedule so I could make sure he was there.

Everybody else was collateral damage. And then that's when it leads into being suicidal because after homicidal, then one day you go, oh, fuck, that was me yesterday? And you realize, I am such a piece of shit, I should not even fucking be. That is my most common dream is being chased by the cops and there's always something in my fucking dreams that I did.

Since I was a kid, like, I did something wrong. Like, that I blacked out that memory. You know, I had these dreams. I wasn't murdering people when I was fucking eight years old. Probably not. But, yeah. You were at least 12 when that started happening. We did some fucking horrible things as kids.

But nothing like murder. Just all these memories coming back from going through all this shit for the book. Like, wow, we were fucking rotten kids. Just really, really horrible. Not murdering, but, yeah. Yeah, we used to win firecrackers up cats' asses. No, no.

I actually address it in the book because all of our... I went through my serial killer phase, but it was mostly bugs. Mostly bugs. I'll just tease the book.'m not gonna fucking get into shit

oh complete gypsy moth caterpillars if you lived in massachusetts in that era whether the plague of gypsy moth caterpillars i had straight up nazi death camps where I was the Mengele and would find out all these horrific ways of murdering this. One time I rounded up a bunch of toads and put them all like in the death camp circle. You couldn't even, I had a blow dart gun. I was like, I don't know, 12. Toad was where I, you know, my brother, it's not even in the book. My brother and I did something horrible to a toad

that we still talk about it to this day. Haunts us that we would fucking do that. It's not in the book and you're not going to tell the story either way. I'd go into fucking gypsy moth caterpillars and killing fucking birds with BB guns and shit. At some point. But that was one memory like,

oh, we were fucking horrible kids and to this day... Anyway. My work... He's sensitive about this. You see that? I'm afraid to tell my other toad story now. I had a toad story.

You can't trauma on this. I don't feel bad. I had to actually write a fucking paragraph after this where I would fucking kill a guy that I found out did that. I wouldn't care that he was only 11. Well, the worst one that I did, though, I remember being scientific about it. I didn't feel evil. I felt scientific.

It was like I was dissecting the toad. I remember flipping over a metal garbage can, and that was my platform on the bottom of it. And then I took a knife and sliced it all the way around so I could just skin it. But while it's alive, and then it still had, it has like a thin layer of skin, so you could observe all the organs. Like its stomach would move around. You could see its heart beating.

You could still see. Yeah, we did its dead frogs and science class. You can still see everything. The stink of formaldehyde you can still smell. can still see everything the stink of formaldehyde you can still smell but yeah to a living thing we did put a toe in a microwave oh whoa whoa

after I and I felt and that's horrible I felt scientific about it up to that point and then I think I felt sick and mean because then I made it jump off the bottom of the garbage can. And it just had that little thin layer of skin. It just exploded.

We would, uh, geez, I don't even want to fucking, I'm not celebrating this. This took a dark turn. I'm immediately into the podcast. It's so fucking dark. No, no, it made me think of when we would catch fish. We'd catch kibbers down at Cook's Pond and then cut off all of their fins, which are not invading their oar, and then put them back

so they can't swim. So you cut off the fucking tail fin, the top fin, all of it. And then, yeah, we would put firecrackers in kibbers' mouths, but kibbers were junk fish. Yeah. When you talked about shooting birds. You don't have to fucking put a firecracker in his mouth or cut off his fin so he can't swim i don't want to laugh about this

because it's terrible it is but you know like yesterday i was watching sparrows at baby sparrows that just hatched right outside my house and they're by my pond and they're trying to feed it was really neat and then it made me think of this thing thing i was like holy fuck when i was a kid i didn't know those were called sparrows those were called shit birds because there wasn't a season for them they weren't dove they weren't quail yeah they weren't game birds so they're called shit yeah so if you had a bb gun now those were fair game all the time and i was thinking that's fucked up those yeah what you did was inherent in the name it's like oh it's a shit bird so i'm, so I'm just going to fuck with him. And I'm going to... I don't know. It wasn't just me. It was all the other fucking

little psychopath rednecks I hung out with shooting fucking sparrows. I love this because on the last podcast, or one before, I was just trashing. I'm still fighting occasionally people on Twitter about the fucking base jumper. Yeah, you were riled up about that.

Jumping with a dog on his back. And well, how about you and gypsy moth caterpillars? Well, you know what? I was 11 and they were insects and yeah, where do you draw the line? Now I do it at things that will bite me if I don't kill them.

Yeah, I don't still do that thing. I mean, I think that's the point. When you're a kid, you do all kinds of fucked up stuff. I was appalled when I was watching. I'm taking pictures, and I'm feeling, this is really neat, watching these baby sparrows, fledgling, just coming out to fly, get a drink of water. I'm like, I used to fucking kill these things just randomly for the fuck of it. Jesus, for Christ's sakes. Oh, put it on speakerphone.phone no it's a fucking 801 salt lake i don't know anyone in salt lake that i need to talk to during a podcast uh yeah so yeah we we we like we'd set everything was fire but fire me and my brother were fire guys yeah just total pyros

yeah every kid was we did i know you were the same way i was set everything on fire but we'd make roadblocks on the side street residential street and like and like alleys and yeah we'd like steal one of those orange you know uh bar Barricades? Yeah, but the barrels with the flashing light and then whatever else we could make into a barricade and then set part of it on fire and just sit there watching the people when they try to come home. You know, the street is busy as fucking 212 Van Dyke.

Please come set fucking burning barricades over at my house to get me back. I never fucked with fire. I was afraid fire would get me caught. Yeah, I was afraid. I remember talking another kid into pissing into the outside electrical socket at the fucking

school. Did shit like that, but I don't want to get caught doing stuff. Yeah, we didn't get caught as much. There was so little oversight back then. Yeah.

So many times. How are we left alone that early so often? Even all the way into high school, I look back. I grew up in a town of like 5,000 people. And then in high school, we'd drive around and gather up pallets and then stack 40 pallets and then light them on fire and stand around and drink and i look back like how did nobody know yeah we got flames that are you know 80 feet high yeah that's it's bigger than high school bonfires and it's just friday They knew what the fuck we were doing. They had to.

A weird twist of fate. Chad Shank and I grew up in the same neighborhood. Sort of. I didn't even think about that. You guys probably did the same shit there. Absolutely. Yeah. How many people were there? Less than me. Maybe what? 30 miles from each other? I used to quail hunt where he lived.

Florence was a great place to quail hunt. I thought Florence was south and west. It's near Globe? North of Globe. Oh, shit. I thought... Actually, no. Globe, well, yeah.

Yeah, kind of. It's mostly west, I guess. Yeah. We said Cook's Pond was a pond with five different little islands. It's a small pond, but they had five different islands. And when we got old enough, we'd go down there and drink on an island because the cops couldn't get to you. We had canoes already locked up down there, so we'd go down.

And they didn't have boats to come get you? Yeah, if anyone did call the cops. Because we'd light fires. But I remember early the first time I shit my pants out of fear well not the first time oh out of fear or out of pleasure

yeah we were running we had set a bonfire on the little tiny beach at Cook's Pond and it was fucking raging and then you could see like this the street across the pond where we saw fucking cruiser lights going you know the the blue blue lights are flashing it was probably for a fucking speeder or something but you could see it from across the pond and we're like running and uh i i shit my pants running home. It's me and my big brother and his best friend.

Because we'd go down and steal tomatoes and apples out of this guy's garden. He had this huge garden, and we'd just go in and raid it, and he had tinfoil pans hanging from it so he could hear. And so it was like Ocean's Eleven to us to slowly twist the fucking apple off the branch, and we'd just sit. We were eating vegetables now that I think of it we ate fruits and vegetables just because we stole them that's like Tom Sawyer

hijinks that has nothing to do with fucking evilness you want your fucking kids to eat fruits and vegetables instead of fucking bubble gum you kids could eat my tomatoes now it's attractive. It brings salt with us because you can eat a tomato.

Tomato? Yeah, you gotta have salt, right? Yeah, you gotta have salt. And you'd sit there and eat it like an apple on the dock of Cook's Pond and then you'd start a giant fucking fire

and run and shit your pants. But I remember that night I shit my pants because I'd shat my pants. It's a fucking golden spicy brown. It wasn't like a log. But then we get to the bottom of my street thinking the cops are chasing us. And we see flashing lights in front of my house on a small residential street.

We're like, oh, my God. So we have to run back still with a fucking sloppy fucking penguin shit hanging around in my underwear. We have to retreat, get our stories together, how it wasn't us that started that fire. Because we know that the cops are in talking to my dad. He was the president of the Tatnick Island Club that's on one of those islands, the one island that could hold a structure. It was a men's club we have we knew we were fucked turns out the lady across the street had a fucking heart attack so we had sat there like getting all this bullshit together and it turns out yeah my dad's sleeping

like a fucking baby we just sneak back into the basement and fucking hang out it was an ambulance we didn't know the difference between red lights and blue lights. It was red lights, stupid. Mrs. Kornblum had a fucking heart attack. Shit your pants over a false alarm. No, I shit my pants over the cop we saw across the pond. Well, the interesting part was when you said

it was the first time you shit your pants out of fear, so I'm expecting you to tell us the other times that you shit your pants out of fear. They were out of just dangerous choices. Yeah yeah i want to hear the follow-up stories on that we've littered this the second time i shit my pants out of fear only a few podcasts ago that chaley and i were telling our pants shitting stories because we both oh i think i listened to that one i did i listened and then the time i shit my pants trying to fart along to My Prerogative by Bobby Brown. Yeah, it's all my pants shitting stories.

I get those out right away. That's breaking news. Breaking news, Doug Stano podcast. Yep. Poor choice again. I'm the Lindsay Lohan of pants shitting. How many times are you going to take these awful, awful choices? I should have remembered other shit.

I was very cruel to girls because I couldn't, you know, I was the guy that got bullied by guys. Yeah, me too. Yeah, so you got bullied by guys? I was little. All my whole life I was bullied, yeah. What happened in the last fucking three years? I got bigger. Yeah?

I got bigger. Uh-huh. I went in the army at 160 pounds. I came out at 185. That was the first start of it. Oh. Yeah, I was the little guy. And I was quiet.

I was more serial killer evil than I was like you, just blatantly evil. I didn't want to get caught at it, so I would do surreptitious evil shit even as a little kid. Yeah, that white guy, he lived next door. He was quiet, kept to himself. He was very nice and polite. And then he killed everybody. Yeah, that's a lot of what I want to get into the book is the fact that, no, it's not your parents. You just saw that dumb commercial just seconds ago.

UFC. SAMSA. Or whatever the fuck that is. It's just some new, like, your brain on drugs. I thought it was a church. I thought it was going to be like Church of Latter-day Saints or something. That's what I thought it was going to be. But it was a government organization telling people how to parent their kids.

All you got to do is just talk to them. Talk to me if anyone pressures you to take a drink. You tell them you promised your dad. Yeah. Okay, I will, Dad. I love you, Dad. My parents were never – we were shitty kids. I mean, watching Intervention.

I love to go back to this because if you listen to the podcast, you should also watch Intervention. They always have that breakdown, which I usually fast forward through. They show the first opening scene to hook you of someone all fucked up and this is how they do. of someone all fucked up and this is how they do. And then after about nine minutes, they cut to a montage of baby. It starts with the baby picture. She was a beautiful baby.

Everyone was, she was such a great child. And then at some point you pause because you see the graphic while you're fast forwarding because it said, and then when she was seven, her parents divorced.

Like, if they can't find a molestation or something, they stop. Like, that gives, they need to give a reason why they're fucked up. I was a fucking rotten kid long before I knew my mother was an alcoholic. And she was an alcoholic, like, she'd get drunk and fall asleep. After we did. I wouldn't have noticed. She wasn't, I mean, she was who she was, but alcohol had nothing to do with it. And you're so much more programmed by your peer group than you are by your parents.

Yeah. I didn't fucking throw rocks at cars because my mother was drunk until I was six. Yeah. I didn't think of throwing rocks at cars until I was like 10. And the only thing you thought about your mother at that time

was I hope she don't fucking find out that I'm throwing rocks at cars. Yeah. Yeah. And also your peer group you don't

your peer group doesn't pick you. You're not assigned a peer group. You gravitate towards them because that's who you are as a person. Well actually I wanted to be in band but all the fucking stoners.

I wanted to play trumpet but the stoners, my mom sat me with them. No, you are that guy. And so many people blame shit on their... I find shit... I'm like my mother in so many ways. Well, so are you. And you're not even related to me. I can find 18 things about you that are like my mother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's something, some things that are genetic. But they overshoot that so much. Well, you know, his mother also, if you're fat, you probably have fat kids. My mother never fucking threw rocks at cars. That you know of. Yeah, she didn't set fucking things on fire. Oh, fuck. Horrible things.

Throw fucking rotten fruit at cars from behind walls yep oh crap fraps it's in the book i can't fucking i'm trying i'm trying to dance around stuff hey do we i don't know if we ever talked about this but my kids when they were little i caught them playing a game called ding dong ditch yeah except donning run is what we call it ring and run ding dong ditch is what we did yeah we we played nigger knocking maybe i grew up in a racist area i've heard it called that later in life but yeah it's it's it's a colloquialism you know it's some people call it soda some people say pop maybe it's a water fountain maybe it's a bubbler i think nigger knocking is a different level yeah that's like you actually commit a

hate crime with i don't even know what that has to do like i sometimes stereotypes and jokes go along and you understand oh i get where that came from but was there a time a lot of latin people used to knock on your door and run away you just wanted only kids do that and kids want to say bad words that's true once you tell them that you can't say that that's and kids want to say bad words. That's true. And once you tell them that you can't say that, that's what they want to say. Yeah, because I didn't know what it meant at the time. Just fucking later on. Yeah. You know, nigger knocking, that was not right.

I shouldn't have been killing shit birds and nigger knocking. Yeah, how much of that how i'll ask you caller how much of that do you think is genetic how much do you think is from parent rearing nature versus nurture i don't know what that that's really what that's what you just fucking said oh all right yeah that's i thought you were going on what was the psychology fucking term when I took psychology classes nature versus nurture it's the same question is it fucking genetic or is it

what you learn isn't that what they did in trading places when they made Eddie Murphy a big job fucked over Dan Aykroyd all in analogies I don't know big words but if you give me an analogy I'll figure it out. I would, uh...

Yeah, fuck. Still fucking terrified of teenagers because of it. It's bored. Just doing horrible shit. Go out on Halloween and steal another smaller kid's fucking bag because you're just too old to trick-or-treat,

but not too old to be out in a fucking costume. So you just find other kids who had just done their whole fucking rounds of trick-or-treating and go snatch their bag. Did that too. That terrible thing. Because he's a fucking kid. He can't go back. This one was... He's a fucking kid. He can't go back. This one was more innocent. Would you ever

play fight next to the road and pretend you were beating the fuck out of somebody so that everybody driving by would think that you were hitting jumps? We had one of the funniest times with this guy. A lady stopped and took the guy that we were beating up

and took him. We thought we were all in trouble. We ran back to his house and pretty soon we're all hiding. She dropped them off. What happened? She made me take a bath. She took him home, made him take a bath. We were like 11 years old. Fucked with that guy forever.

Yeah, that's like some of the shit that i put in the book where if that happened today that would like fucking be national news yeah shit i did to one teacher where i i would have been a fucking clibold a fucking columbine kid because i was just creatively fucking with her, but in very threatening ways. Jesus Christ. Back when I was a kid out at the ranch, I had nothing to do, miles away from anybody. But I had a whole wall full of black powder and gunpowder that we used to reload bullets with and shit like that. All right, yeah, we'll make pipe bombs. By the way, Shaylee may need to cut this out because the nsa will probably contact him but yeah you were a kid yeah yeah

you didn't murder anyone no no but that was really if you're listening uh when you uh edit this if anyone gets murdered uh please cut that were great. Please apply that to all future podcasts. That was our fun is, yeah, we're going to make pipe bombs and I'd get cannon fused from gun shows and shit like that. And yeah, go out and blow stuff up in the middle of the desert because we didn't have friends nearby. Yeah, we had everyone nearby. Yeah. So I would be that kid on the news if they caught me. Oh, well, he's got, he built pipe bombs and he's 11 years old and he's troubled. No, I'm trying to get my way out of being a Jehovah's Witness and I'm hanging out with my dad, which is cool.

So. Road flares are always good. Anything gunpowder related. You just, even caps. Oh, God. Anything. How many can you stack in a fucking thing and hit with a sledgehammer?

The whole roll. Hit it with a hammer. Roll of toilet paper or paper towels burning behind, beside, or in front. No, not in front of, but when you shot the aerosol can with the BB gun

and then make it all blow up. It starts spraying. Dukes of hazard. Cause they had the dynamite on the end of the arrow where they shooted it stuff. Yeah. Rig up arrows with blasting caps. And yeah,

if you saw, if you saw a kid right now, just sitting down in the middle of the street with a big roll of caps for a cap gun and a rock, just beating them. How fast would it be if they're on medication? What the fuck's happening? I don't have a cap gun, but I got four rolls of fucking caps and a rock.

Yeah, and if fucking Benjamin Franklin were out fucking flying a key on a kite in a lightning storm, he'd be on a 72-hour watch for his own safety. Maybe that guy's brilliant. How about that? Maybe that guy's fucking brilliant. He can't afford to get a fucking permit to do this. I can figure some shit out, but I don't have all that kind of...

Or maybe he's just a Jehovah's Witness. God damn it, anyway. He's following me my whole life. Joby's sister just fucking went under. Not dead. Yeah, not dead, but circling the drain a bit. Yeah, she's a boozer. A boozer.

But I guess a little more hardcore than us. I would think so. Yeah. And said, well, I guess all our organs shut down. 42 years old. And this is the good sister. You have the bad seed in the family that everyone expected to be dead of fucking abuse of some kind. Well, yeah.

Everyone expected me to be the black sheep of the family. And then they basically, the two of them, stole my birthright. of some kind well yeah everyone expected me to be the black sheep of the family and then they basically the two of them stole my birthright so made you look like a big who's the daughter now i always wanted a boy not anymore yeah like what the fuck i i wanted so much to be the fuck up of the family well i don't really blame her because she is a white-collar lady. Yeah. The husband, they live in Oklahoma City suburbs, and he works for something. And they went out there to be like, well, I got transferred.

White picket fence kind of stuff. Yeah, gated community. But she's one of those intervention boozers that she's the, oh, and then I get home from work, and then glug, glug, glug. And then her organs fucking finally shut down after many warnings that if you drink again, you'll die. And Joby gets a call. Yeah. Life support.

Yeah, I drove out there on my birthday, 15 hours to Oklahoma, which New Mexico is great to drive through. By the way, I love New Mexico. I hope sarcasm. No, no. The fucking cops there are the worst. What? Are you kidding me?

They make fucking Ferguson, Chicago, and New York look bad. Look at some of the fucking police abuse. That's why they locked up a mentally ill guy. Yeah, but I'm white. I've gotten fucking pulled over almost every time I've driven through there. Ah, shit. No, I loved it. It's a beautiful drive. Yeah, yeah.

Doesn't it look a lot like Arizona? No, different. Ugliest women in America? I don't know if... This should be clickbait. I should be... My top... But I only have one and two. Wyoming is pretty fucking tragically ugly.

Okay, so Wyoming... New Mexico, ugliest women in the world. Wyoming and New Mexico are the worst. Yeah. If I had a top ten, I could be clickbait. But I only have two. Shit, Oklahoma's chicks are

really good looking. Yeah, you can find some. Utah. Fuck, you'll have a hot 16-year-old fucking platinum blonde at a drive-thru. And you're like, what the fuck? This is a small town.

Small towns are supposed to be ugly. Nope. Nope. Oklahoma's great, but they all love Jesus there, and there's water towers and Bible thumpers. What was your line? Hot girls. Tons of hot girls in Oklahoma, but they all love

Jesus. And then Chad Shanks says, Oh yeah, that's what Joby texted me. I said, yeah, that just makes me easier to trick. You'll buy that. You'll buy anything. Yeah. Yep. I know all the ins.

You're a mark from day one. I know all the ins on you. Oh, no, I'm wearing a condom. It's an imbecible condom. I just moved to Bisbee. Jesus doesn't know if it's in your ass. That's where poop comes out. Jesus hates poop.

It's the devil's hole. He's so grossed out by this, he looks away. Even your grandparents. They watch you masturbate, but nobody wants to see this. No. Yeah, just moved to Bisbee and then have to move to Oklahoma. And I moved to Cochise Row, which I think is

like battling for the worst... Just move the thing over. Battling for the worst street in Bisbee. Cops moved in, so it's not the worst street in Bisbee. Now it would be over in Bakerville across the street. Oh, okay. Alright. But it's still pretty bad. It's still pretty bad.

Actually, we have talked about that on a podcast because I was talking about, I always want to make up like all this, finally we get the gentrified Bisbee t-shirts, but just local bullshit and one of the bumper stickers I wanted was

uh i break for yard sales except on coachee's road and some guy sent them to me but he thought he's i said coachee's road yeah no no it's different yeah totally different yeah this place you know i remodeled myself a few years back. It's a nice place on Cochise Road, but it's like being a hot person with AIDS. Yeah, you're hot, but you have AIDS. You live on Cochise Road. There's not much I can do about it. Luckily, well, okay, I'm moving up to oklahoma which is maybe down i don't know yeah he's got a the sister has kids what like six and eight fucking

bart and lisa uh six and eight kids no no no age is six five five and nine yeah. So she's still on life support weeks later, and they give her a 30% chance of making it. And the dude's still going to fucking live, and so Joby's going out to take care of her kids. Yeah. But Joby's like me. He just comes over. Yeah, fucking looks like my sister drank herself to death. I got to drive out there. You guys going to be?

He takes death in stride Yeah I have to I think that's kind of a theme of this podcast When my mom died it was you guys that were fucking texting me Oh god we were relentless Dead mother jokes immediately Absolutely relentless when your mom died Like with five seconds after I found out

Yeah Fucking dead mom jokes Relentless when your mom died. Like with five seconds after I found out. Yeah. I just did fucking dead mom jokes. Yeah, Bingo and I sat down and just texted you constantly with just dead mom jokes. And the fact that you found out on Facebook made it that much sweeter. No, he found out about his mother's death for the listener. He didn't find out about the jokes. He found out about his mother's death on Facebook. I didn't repost the jokes. You didn't find out about the jokes. He found out about his mother's death on Facebook.

I didn't repost the jokes. You didn't share that one? I thought it would be in poor taste. Like, hey, my mother's dead. Like. Although writing her obituary was really difficult, so I didn't have anything to say. And I remember at one point I came out with

uh, oh fuck, now I'm not going to remember it. It was, when my mother died here, there's no one who cared, so I didn't even bother writing an obituary, but later I thought of funny ideas I should have done.

I'm wicked good at, oh fuck, I should have, just right on October ideas I should have done. I'm wicked good at it. Oh, fuck, I should have. Just right on October, I think it was 11th, 2008, Bonnie J. Kirk left this earth, thankfully to anyone who knew her.

She hated you. She hated the people who didn't know how to park at the dollar store. She hated the guy who crossed the street on Barnett Road that would fucking raise his ATV. She's all the things she hated. She leaves behind no one that's sorry to not hear her complaints. I would have to go over to your mom's house. I remember back in the day in Mower Yard.

You remember those days? No. That's the whole process I'm going through. When we get to those years, I'll be calling you. What do you remember? And as soon as you start talking about it, then I go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I remember what I was going to say. After my mom died, there was a lot of... Did she commit suicide or did she overdose or what happened? There wasn't anything until it came out. So when I was trying to write her obituary, I came up with a poem. It said, she never did much of anything profound. Mostly what she did was just sit around. Her days were filled with drama and strife.

It's probably why she took her own life. That was so good. I didn't put it because the only reason I was writing it was for her family members. That's because you don't come to your fucking peer group often enough that will goad you into actually going, no, it's only funny if you actually do it. So good. God damn it. Derek. Would you make me some kind of cocktail i don't care whatever

is easy just the vodka i think there's an open soda over there how about we go there i guess we should take a break yeah i gotta piss all right hey uh we'll be back after this message from uh oh not from them. Rulers of the underpants universe. Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sacks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that and such. Saks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good?

I don't know. All right. And now, Chad Shank with the police beat. What's going on out there on the mean streets of Bisbee? Doug, early in the morning, someone knocked on the window of a Quality Hill resident, saying, Hey, lady! She requested an area check as well. Hey, lady! That's what I was... He might have been saying, Hey, lady!

Fucking Jerry Lewis is outside her... A neighbor on Campbell Street damaged some plants belonging to the person reporting when spraying for weeds. Dispatch advised this was a civil issue, not a police issue. The caller got irate and said the police just did not want to do their job. Well, see, that's probably the same cop that didn't want to let you kill the guy that stole your truck. And these cops, you know what? Hey, hey, hey, Flatfoot. Actually, the cop was really good about that because he gave me the paperwork.

He said this is the paperwork that will follow him through his court now because he's going to go through this. And I said that's got my name and my address and everything on it. I said, is he going to have access to that? And he said, well, hopefully that'll be redacted. But yeah, probably he's going to have it. So he knows where you live. And I go, that's all right. I go, I got signs up that say no trespassing.

And I says, and I got other, you know, I didn't specifically say at the time. And he looked at me and he goes, yeah, me too. And he goes, and all my family knows how to shoot. So he was already against it. He was like a redneck kind of yeah you get you get a lot of that down here oh i play that role really well so i got along with the cops really well i was fucked so hungover i'd only slept for like three hours back to the

police beat valerie tate was found dead as a resident on knuckle road i said that wrong she wasn't a resident anymore at a residence i don't know if you can be dead and be a resident on Knuckle Road. I said that wrong. She wasn't a resident anymore. At a residence. I don't know if you can be dead and be a resident. Well, you know what, here, let's... Chad Shank, this is kind of like Walter Cronkite when he had to announce the death of President Kennedy. Let's just take a moment and reflect on Victoria Tate.

Moment aside. Wait, it was Valerie. Yeah, whatever. All right, and now back to the police beat, already in progress, with Chad Shank. A woman from Cochise Row reported being cyber-stalked. Oh, Cochise Row. That's where Joby's living now. Joby lives back in Bisbee now, and you always love to see when it's on your street. Nothing ever happens on my street.

Yeah, so what was it? Wait, hang on. What was the story? I just heard you yell yes. What happened again, Chad? A woman was from Cochise Row. Someone just baba booed your police beat. Sorry.

I've been baba booing my own police beats. A woman from Cochise Row reported being cyber stalked. Hey, don't look at me, man. Are you that lazy, Toby? God damn it, anyway. I live on that street, and I'm still too lazy to go over to her window. Let me just leave. Her Twitter pictures are way hotter than what she does through her window.

Shit. Go ahead. A thermos was found on Torville Road. That's the end. Sorry. And we're just sitting here drinking? We've got to go find this guy.

He's got no thermos. That's probably why the caller got irate and said the police didn't want to do their job. They're out looking for thermoses. Fucking dead illegal alien, like 15 feet away, didn't have water. Oh, he's right there the whole time. It's always in the last place you look. A 19-year-old female was attacked by the neighbor's dog in Hereford. She reported not bleeding, but the dog was bleeding badly.

What did she do to the dog? What's going on? Did they check the 19-year-old for rabies? And now back to Chad Shank With the Bisbee Police Beat For this week A Hereford woman Got a dead cat out of her tree

And asked for it to be picked up I didn't notice that one Until I was just looking at him before we went She did all the hard work right Did she get it out of the tree But no the old adage When's the last When's the the old adage when the kid when's the last when's the last time you saw a dead cat in a tree you know when the kid's crying

and there's a my kitty's dead in the tree all right when's the last time you saw a dead cat in a tree well now you know it was this week at the end of may of 2015 there was a fucking dead cat in a tree as far as we know I'm sure it's still under investigation. She might have killed the cat and put it up in the tree. That's my old plan was when I retire, I'm going to just go out and do all the urban legends to debunksnopes.com. And I'm going to put alligators in toilets. I'm going to fucking put a gerbil in Richard Gere's ass.

By force. I'm going to find that kid Mikey from the Life Serial commercials and I'm going to force him full of coke and Pop Rocks until he explodes. And I'm going to do all that shit. And every urban legend will be true. Snopes will be out there and it'll be like the South Park episode.

The Simpsons did it. Doug Stanhope did it. An addendum to every one of their debunked. Although in this year, Doug Stanhope did do this. The asterisk is all Stanhope. Every asterisk. Stanhope. I'm going to fucking sew a cock on a Jamie Lee Curtisis's clit she was born a hermaphrodite see

see a woman in hereford was receiving harassing messages on facebook from her ex's ex that sounds like a bisbee problem yeah fuckandalous. Yeah. Fuck. You know what? We need more. Can we start a GoFundMe for the Bisbee Police Department? Because they're overworked. They're stretched. Someone left a shitty comment on a Facebook page. Go ahead.

There's only so much they can do, man. A Bisbee caller stated someone was either setting off dynamite or had a cannon at the shooting range because her house was rattled on Black Knob View. That's right here. Right there. I'm looking at Black Knob View. I remember that day. Yeah, it's pretty fucking loud. But you can do anything.

When people hear shooting range, they probably imagine some cement structure where you go in and you check in a gun and you have a target no it's a sandra bullock they picture sandra bullock shooting at a target you can push a button and your target comes sliding back to you on the rail no it's a fucking desert where people just drive out in a pickup truck throw an old tv out there and just start hammering away with whatever they have that will blow up. I believe it's where Stan Hope first referred me to get rid of the fucking mattress and bedding when I was cleaning up the suicide house. Take it out to the shooting range and dump it off.

I did say that. Wait, I don't think that's going to look good. I'm not sure. I don't know if I can talk my way out of that one. Yeah, then you have to call me for a second opinion. Okay, I'll... Bingo's so crazy with the fucking suicide that she had our handyman go in,

saw out the piece of the wall over there, a black knob that had the bullet hole in it. Make a plaster cast of it. Plaster cast, and then it made a necklace of the bullet hole with turquoise filling in the hole and a circle of wall around it. Now she has Joby doing what? The remaining pack of bullets that Nohr man had. He took those 357 hollow points, took it to a guy at ciravista removed the slug dumped the

powder fired off the primer and then reloaded the slugs into it so it's essentially a dead round so i can then drill out the primer in the pinhole and uh put in an ice screw and make it into necklaces necklaces for both lindy and who there's like 14 or something of them you know so i don't know who she's gonna get the whole box oh just uh well no it's yeah yeah it's a it's about a dozen or well because because he didn't need very many rounds yeah just the one he filled up just the one he filled up the cylinder you know so there was six that went away then you know i stole two well he was worried What if I miss slightly and I'm paralyzed

And Shadow Man comes in I need to come back and haunt somebody With a welcome mat I guess better necklaces than a grill Honey why are you wearing that Rapper grill It's Zerish It's Zerich. It's Zerich Lewis.

It's a preventive from Zerich Lewis. Honey, you can't really wear that grill. It's silly looking. Where's my friend? Alright. What else do we have from the police beat? And we'll wrap this up.

A man in McNeil suspects his neighbors are drug dealers. They were standing outside for an hour acting odd. Maybe they were podcasting. A main street resident advised of two men possibly camping on the side of the mountain by his residence. One always has a guitar and the other is taller and thinner.

Those bastards. Those bastards! That's the one that I hadn't heard from him. I knew he was in a bad headspace. And that was the first thing i read in the police beat caller reports that one of them has a banjo and the other is taller and thinner and i go oh i'm gonna fucking i gotta get chad over here let's break through his fucking depression and now back to our podcast already deleted from your subscriptions.

All right. That lack of a commercial, if there was a lack of a commercial, because God knows what Chaley's going to do with this when he edits it. We do have, we just got an offer from a legitimate sponsor that sponsors other podcasts. And, yes, it's not bad money. And that was Chaley's to deny. And I'm terrified of all of the fucking people that will give me shit.

You fucking sellout. But it's something that I actually use. And I'm like, fuck that, yeah. So maybe next week you're going to hear a fucking, or maybe I say nah, fuck that. Fuck Chaley. He's not even here for this. I don't even know if this is being recorded.

There's a fucking light on that machine. So maybe fuck him. I don't know. I got shit to do. I don't know. I got shit to do. I don't have time to make decisions. Yeah, it was nice to finally some actual company

that's not one of you goofballs that goes, hey, I'd love it if you loved your Pizza Runner commercial. Will you sponsor my fucking nail salon? No, those are goofs. They're actual places, but they don't know where they're sponsoring us. Those are goofs. So maybe we'll do one.

Maybe we'll do this one. Chaley needs the money so we can hump less merch. You want me to fucking keep telling you to buy merch and donate to Chaley? How about you just, I don't know. We'll find out. But here's something I will plug. Sponsor of this show, I just finished Bert Kreischer's book, Life of the Party.

And it was fucking fantastic. I really, I fucking like that guy so much. I know there was a there was a Louis C.K. episode where he's like, am I too old to have new friends? And that's probably the end of the premise right there.

And then it was just a lot of him mugging awkwardly, going, I don't know how to handle myself. Wait, you're Louis C.K. How come you're always the fucking nerd in your own show? You had to not be a nerd at some point. I don't know. I don't know. All right.

I'm fucking some range, Louis. I fucked up some range. Louis. I'm not cutting that out. Fuck that. He does like Louis CK is going to listen to my podcast. Get my acting critique when I can't fucking act for shit. Yeah. Bert Kreischer is like I did his podcast.

I've met him a couple times in the past but i don't remember shit and we did that podcast and i like that and then i read his book and they're like like it's exactly how i feel i just shit the you the listener wouldn't even notice about comics and having this kind of uh how to do shorthand of uh the vernacular of comedy where even if you hung around comics you wouldn't know unless you were a comic, yeah, legitimate professional comics in a green room and how you communicate. But also really fucking funny stories and not a lot of comics,

right? Books that they just, it's a, it's a dump for all those jokes that didn't work on stage. It's a notebook dump. I got a deal. I'll just put, all right, this never worked really,

but I could write it. So yeah, this is actual fucking great stories throughout his life. And he's just so positive, which makes me feel bad. We were talking about this earlier. Oh, MMA fighters. This guy where MMA's on in the background. And some guy's talking about, and then I had surgery,

but I focused on my recovery,, I'm going to have surgery. I focused on my recovery and I'll come back even stronger. Chad Shanks. What did you say? A voice in here. Oh, I said, oh, because they fucking make me feel bad when they fucking talk about that.

I broke my back and I went on this road to recovery, and meanwhile I'm like, my foot kind of hurts today. I'm just going to stay inside. Yeah, that's how I feel with Bert Kreischer, because he's really positive and happy. I have to just drink myself into a state where I'm not just staring. Good corpse.

Hey, all right, I can talk to company. I've had four drinks. I'm glad that you said that. I'm downloading the book on my phone right now. Yeah, I've been reading. I'm trying to not watch TV when I get so sick of writing. Because even if I'm reading reading makes me want

to write even if it's shitty reading then you go it's the same as watching stand-up comedy if I want to write watching stand-up comedy will make me want to write whether they're great and I want to live up to it or they're shitty and go

that's so fucking easy to write. Better than that. But it still keeps my head in writing and reading a book while I'm writing a book. All right. All right. I read Bert Kreischer's and then John Narr, who is the mayor of Iceland, the comedian that – or the mayor of Iceland, Reykjavik. And he's not anymore. He's, he's done, but he was a comic that ran this joke campaign and get elected and he's brilliant, but, and there's completely different styles, absolutely different. But like I, then when I

get back to my book, I have more of a focus. I'm not trying to write. I get so caught up in you can't. All right, I can tell you this story, and it's fucking hilarious. But you have to hear my fucking mother talking like that, and it's not funny without that. So how do I? So, yeah, just finding different styles. So I read Burt's, John Nars, I'm halfway through, and I got Artie Lang's next one on deck. And, yeah, thank you guys.

You're fucking, you're helping me get through this bullshit. What else we got? We have Bingo and Lindy were here doing their silly fun silly friendship camp friendship camp which yeah we had them all we did a dry run of a podcast before this one and we go

wow none of us were really there for that podcast it stunk and we had them on and I realized that whole story is only funny if you're here and so yeah we did this one instead and I realized that whole story is only funny if you're here. And so, yeah, we did this one instead. We got anything else? Oh, that's what I wanted to ask, because I thought maybe,

and I fucking love Mishka Shabali, but I thought, because when I listen to a podcast, it's eight months ago listening to Bill Burr, because it's really the only one i listen to unless someone sends me hey someone says said really nice things about you at the 152 mark of this podcast there i go uh if i really need a boost in my spirit i'll i'll i'll listen to that and if you say hey someone's talking shit about you i I don't give a fuck. I assume everyone is. But, uh,

yeah, the opening song is my point of the podcast. I think I want to just ditch it and just put songs I really like at the end, where if you choose to listen to them, you're still driving around. Yeah, hard start.

But I don't want people having to fast to them, you're still driving around. Hard start, yeah. Hard start, man. Do it. Yeah, but I don't want people having to fast forward through the fucking beginning of the podcast. No, I do that. I do that. Everyone will. Not because I don't like it. If there's a host and then they have a guest,

sometimes you fast forward through the host. I just want to hear the guest, sir. Thank you. And I think a lot of people do that when they hear chad shanks on um can i just can you cut out the parts of you talking back to him and just have chad shank talk we appreciate you being here and not killing yourself hey i appreciate you inviting me over here and i want to thank the green pharmacy in bis Bisbee. Oh, yes. We do have a sponsor. Bubba OG is the sponsor.

And it's not with a P-H. It's with an F. As fucking redneck as you think. When I'm in Bisbee, I get all my weed from the Green Pharmacy. Don't buy it from a scummy guy who may or may not be a cop. Or on Coach Eastrow. All right, we'll close on that, and then possibly we'll go write a commercial for the Green Pharmacy. We do have medical marijuana here.

Just very few people go to that store, but every time Chad Shank goes to the store on his way to do the podcast, they give him some fucking weed that always has a hilarious name. There was Brian's song. Brian's song. Green crack. Heroin. Heroin.

They tried to call it hero-wanna when I went in there. That's what they said to me. He was full of shit. So on the way to the podcast, Chad stops at the green pharmacy on naco highway conveniently located right next to safeway and gust the greek's pizza and uh he says yeah i'm gonna do this podcast yeah i you know i bring you up on the podcast occasionally and the guy gave him a free gram of weed for uh for the advertisement so our our first official sponsor is the Green Pharmacy

on Knocko Highway in Bisbee that gave you free weed for your years of dedication. Or months. Whatever it is. Sorry. Maybe we cut a Green Pharmacy commercial.

If not after we say goodnight Maybe next week Thank you listeners Adios Hey what's the matter Amy Bingaman My pussy hurts Well what are you doing for it I've tried everything

I've put salve on it I've douched it I've stuffed a frozen dead dog's leg in it just to numb it. Nothing seems to help. Have you tried medical marijuana? Marijuana? Isn't that illegal? It makes black men rape. Not anymore. Arizona has new laws regarding medical marijuana. it right here in Bisbee at the Green Pharmacy at 1191 South Naco Highway, or just give them a ring toll-free at 520-686-8708. Some tolls may apply, and it helps from everything from degenerative joint disease, hay fever,

and genital mice. You should try it today but what about black rape huh why does your pussy hurt anyway amy bingham in all right that's a podcast and uh yeah let's help And let's play something cheery and happy and festive. Summertime. Get out there and enjoy yourself. Go to a beach. One, two, one, along, yeah we really do And there's nothing wrong with what I feel for you

I could go with you, you, you, if you want me to I could hang around till the leaves are brown and the summer is gone What a silly thing for me to say to you As the spring begins to begin anew And I know that it's hard Hard, hard To get up in the sky And the leaves are brown And they're falling down And the summer's gone

And I can't wait Anymore for you I've spent the weekend You've given me nothing I can't wait Anymore for you I'm feeling strong That the summer's gone

But I won't wait anymore for you Feeling strong The summer's come But I won't give up And I won't give in And I know it's tough But I aim to win And I couldn't get away from you Even if I wanted to So I hang around Till the leaves are brown

And the summer's gone And I can't wait anymore for you This past weekend you've given me nothing I can't wait anymore for you I'm feeling strong, the summer's gone I can't wait anymore for you This past weekend you're doing nothing I can't wait anymore for you Spend the weekend you're doing the nothing I can't wait anymore for you

Feeling strong, the summer's gone And I can't wait anymore for you I can't wait anymore for you I can't wait anymore for you I can't wait anymore for you I'm feeling strong, the summer's gone I can't wait anymore for you I can't wait anymore for you I can't wait anymore for you

I'm feeling strong, The summer's gone. What I got to do. What I got to see. It was only you. It was only me. And I know that it's hard, hard, hard when you love this sky. And the leaves are brown and they're falling down. The summer's gone. Thank you. We spent the weekend, you're doing the nothing. I can't wait anymore for you.

I'm feeling strong, the summer's gone.