The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#79: Doug shits on his fans then asks for stuff.

Episode Date: June 9, 2015

Doug shits on his fans then asks for stuff.Recorded June 05, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Doug is now on Instagram - REALSTANHOPELinks-Stanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvClosing song "Keep Me In Your Heart" by Warren Zevon, available on iTunes. Mishka Shubaly's music and Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This is podcast number 79, and 79 was the number that I wore when I played football in 6th or 7th grade. 7th grade, I played football for the Paxton Center Panthers, Paxton Center School, and we played fucking Ironman. That means both sides of the ball because there weren't enough kids for the team. And we sucked. We were 1-6-1 on the season. And I made one catch as a tight end. And it was 1979. I wore 79 in 79. And I didn't keep my jersey. And that bothers me to this day, to this minute, when you just said 79.

Sorry, I've been going through a lot of shit from my past writing this dumb book and here's something you can do this is what uh something i want you to tweet at me because you've been tweeting a lot of stuff at me about movies that don't have fuck scenes in them and i don't really remember doing that podcast we had to crank out two in a night that night so yeah i guess i said it i mean I've said it before. They never advanced the plot. Yes, thank you, a million people who tweeted the accused at me. Yes, but that's not a fuck scene. That's a rape scene. Jesus, you insensitive cocksuckers.

How do you equate rape on a ping pong table? What was it? I don't know. A pinball machine? Pinball or was it a pool table? I don't know. I think the real story and the movie they made uh differed if i'm correct i think the actual rape was on either a pinball machine

and they changed it to a pool table or vice versa i don't know why i think that but i think i know that you ever notice the things you think you know but you you just don't know so yeah i've i've uh i've gone through and not i haven't finished the rough draft of the book and rough do i mean like a dog speaks rough uh yeah i've burned out on on euphemisms for drunk like i have no more synonyms thesaurus.com i burned through that in the first three chapters, using the word drunk and all of Thesaurus.com. Tipsy. Three sheets to the wind.

All right, it's not 1930. So especially if you have New England-based ones, because I'm trying to remember all the ones we used to say when we were getting drunk as teenagers. Cocked. Cocked. Cocked. Was a good one? Yeah.

Dude, fucking Stan was cocked. That's a great one. And loaded. Oh, man. Let's get fucking loaded. So, yeah, I'm sure. Just stealing from Bill Burr. Go listen to his podcast and dredge up more fucking words for uh drunk uh the new

england a year the better but i'll take uh i'll take some of your uk uh words for drunk tweet those at me and uh and that's another thing i want to try to do and i got to get this from you chaley is uh those the word of the day from the 30 days in the Hole Tin Can Rehab podcast, I want to get all of those words of the day that we used and just insinuate them into the book. Even if I have to shoehorn the fucking thing in there where it doesn't fit. I want to put – yeah, those – we didn't do 30 because we didn't start that until like a week in. Yeah, a couple days in when we started that.

Someone sent us a book. All the ones that we used, I want to get them into the book. Little hidden eggs for you. If any of you listeners can read, or God forbid, I've actually read some of the stuff out loud to Bingo and probably you, and just trying to read a paragraph i realized i could never do the book on tape i it would take me a fucking year to read that out loud without fucking it up on tape so like like uh like an audio book if i did the audio book yeah who then who would do it because

sometimes chad shank chad shank would do it perfect or gilbert Shank would do it. Perfect. Or Gilbert Gottfried, I guess. I don't know. If you wanted it to sound like me, Gilbert. But yeah, I'd love fucking Chad Shank. How long before he stabbed the director? Went right through the glass. Can you try that again? You have a syllabant.

I don't even know what. I was going to try to use some big word for he's fucking something up. Then he goes right through the glass. What do you mean I can't smoke my heroin in here? It's smoke free. Yeah, so we're going to try to get that in there. Yeah, so we're going to try to get that in there. And Floyd, the Floyd colostomy bag, fun bag, Floyd's fun bag contest that ended on June 2nd. Well, we have a definitive winner from all the submissions that we got, meaning two.

The first one was... Oh, wait, that's not it. The first one was some dude. This one? Yeah, there it is. Yeah. Yeah, it says, good luck, Floyd. This is just a regular colostomy bag from a guy who uses a colostomy bag,

and it says, good luck, Floyd, in Sharpie. If a crazy SOB like me can put up with this. You can too. Word of encouragement from Jeff. Thanks, Jeff. You came in second place. Honorable mention because this did show up after June 2nd. So we did get three submissions total.

Total of three. I don't even have. I don't have the guy's name now it's on the fucking envelope it's inside sorry guy didn't bring your name out here but yeah he drew some nice uh moose and a goldfish and a giraffe and nice little animals and buddy he sent a certificate it's more for a kid a sad kid with a colostomy bag well it had the elephant is shitting. Oh, they're all shitting.

Oh, yeah, they're all shitting. Oh, look at the goldfish. Even the goldfish is shitting. Hey, I didn't even notice the detail in your work, sir. I'm a rushed man. That is a large poop for an elephant. And he also sent a certificate, a poop expert. Yeah, it's like a certificate.

It said Floyd Lillard is a certified poop expert. From the Minnesota Zoo. And Floyd will appreciate all this. But the definitive winner, you have the, this is not, you know what, on a technicality, the guy who sent Jeff could say, hey, I won. Because that's not really a poop bag. It's a poop bag holder. Yeah.

But that's leather. That's, see, this is why I'd never be good on qvc it's fucking leather it's leather hand sewn and and burned engraved yeah it's like a wood burning but on leather i i think yes it's engraved on leather you know what here it is this was inside the bag custom leather laser engraving so it's laser laser engraved. Look at that. You tell them what that is. Okay. Tell them what they've won, Doug Stanhope.

Laser-engraved.com. Custom laser engraving. That's a plug. Laser-engraved.com. Go there for all your beautiful leather engraving needs. Do we have to take a picture in the middle of the podcast? We couldn't do this at the end? It's like in the moment.

All right. Miners and merchants. That's Floyd's business. Antique Center. Storing Floyd's shit since 2001. And on the back, it says Floyd's ass bag with engraved toilets all over it. Yeah, it's great. It's a fucking beautiful piece of work.

One fucking guy out of all of you came through and gave floyd something that i can hand deliver to him that'll make him smile and something else from jeff and then the goldfish thing from the other guy that showed up late so thank you for uh participating uh and uh we'll have floyd on as soon as we get back from Canada. We're going to start the Canadian tour. You'll be listening to this as we'll be flying towards Montreal. And thanks for, yeah, I'm sorry if the shows are sold out.

There's nothing I can do. You're not too sorry. Yeah, well, I'm not. Yeah, I'm sorry, but you get a lot of people. Hey, it's my brother's birthday, though. there's nothing I can do. You're not too sorry. Yeah. Well, I'm not. Yeah. I'm sorry. But you get a lot of people. Hey, can you, it's my brother's birthday though.

Well, I would have, if I would have sold the seat to someone else, I know we've been over this, but, uh, and if they're not, thanks for, uh,

retweeting the dates, uh, and Facebooking them. Remember you are the only way people find out that I'm in town is word of mouth. And I, I shit on you all the time. And I will continue to shit on you during this podcast.

But thanks for doing that. Because, yeah, thanks for getting the word out. Repost, retweet, put up a sticker, put up a sign, get a sandwich board. We have new stickers. You know what? I had a lot of things I was going to talk about on this podcast from all the crazy things that have been happening to me as I write a book or don't write a book while I'm watching My 600-lb Life, which is my new favorite thing in the world. It's TLC, I think. Has TLC changed?

Yeah. The Learning Channel? Yeah. Has TLC changed? Yeah. The Learning Channel? Yeah. Originally what it was. Yeah, it's just TLC. And yeah, it's six, seven, 800 pound people. And they look so fucking comfortable. And they just do what I do.

Like they're watching me while I watch them or just sitting there getting fat. But yeah, one today, the fucking dude, he's 700 pounds and then he gets this surgery and his girlfriend leaves him or something. And then he gets not Epstein-Barr. It's Gilliam-Barré, I think it's pronounced. Oh, is it Tix? Gilliam-Barré. No, it's where you-

Palsy? He's paralyzed basically. Yeah. Yeah. You can get very mild to where like you just can't like move part of your mouth to like your whole – half of your body. I think that might be what Tony Nicklinson had when I was in the UK that last time that started all that shit where he was locked in syndrome. I don't know if that's the same thing where all he could do was blink his eyes and that's fucked up. But this guy was just – now he's in a wheelchair and then getting fat again.

He lost 300 pounds and then he got so fat, he broke his chair, which is the only way he could get around. And then I have to move him with a fucking cow crane. But Chaley, like I've been tweeting some pictures. If you see weird tweets from me that are just still shots and you can't tell what that is, that's a fucking 700 pound human being. There's one where you saw that.

Is that two people? No, that's a woman and her lymphedema that's coming out of her leg that looks like a whole other person. And Chaley is visibly nauseous right now. Right now, Chaley's retching at the thought of it. I tweeted one picture was where they were wiping out a foal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a 70-inch screen with the open wound, almost a yard long maybe, of just open wound that won't heal and is infected. And it looks like just a

close-up of a rotting cunt so i just tweeted that and i i lost followers i'm out unfollow it was a bed sore man no you're a fold sore it's like the reverse national debt clock your twitter followers yeah cupping off. So that's what I've been watching. But Chaley gets – we've talked about when you actually threw up that one time when we were watching 1,000-pound man. And so he's at Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E on Twitter. Anytime you're watching really obese people on My 600-lb Life, please tweet pictures because Chaley will not –

I try to catch him when he's coming out of the bathroom and have it playing so he'll look because you could puke that quickly. Yeah, it still makes me – yeah, it gives me pause. When I walk in the room, I want to check through a reflection. So if I see it, it's backwards. They cut this one woman apart. They have these things that it's like a vacuum seal or something. She had this skin removal surgery.

She had lost a lot of weight. She's still fucking wicked fat. Everyone, their goal weight is to get down to what you would consider obese. So she's doing really good. She's only 220, and she's celebrating, clapping with her big whale palms. And whale palms? You know, like flippers. Yeah.

Big seal flippers. And the jiggly underarm fat is slapping at the back fat this woman yeah she had the uh the excess surgery uh skin cut off yeah like where it's a little flabby like uh yeah so her extra yardage on a dress that's too big yeah so her back fat it wasn't healing and it was just like completely wide open come on chaley come on contact. And, and it busted the sutures. She was still walking like a fat person is what they said. She still walks like she's 600 pounds. Like she'll go into the bathroom sideways.

So she's jerking her body around. Like she's still aggravating it, carrying all the blubber and a burst of sutures. So now she has wide open and they have this thing. I can't even describe it where where they put the seal on. They tape it over, and it's this vacuum seal that sucks the wound shut and holds it shut. Like seal-a-meal.

It sucks like it brings everything together. Yeah, and she had to lay like that for three months. Anyway, just send pictures to Jay Lee. I'm just talking about this to watch him retch. You know what it is? I really try and keep up on the Twitter because it's a newish thing for me in the last couple of months. And tweet me if he tries to cut this part out.

If you didn't hear this, tweet me. On Tin Can Rehab, I realized that I could communicate with people about the podcast and stuff, so I keep up on it. And I don't realize that sometimes when there's a link there that that's what it is. They've added a picture to the tweet, and I dumbly – Oh, yeah, always sabotage them and say, hey, this looks like you in 1989 in your rock band. What? Me? They've been doing that.

All right, good. I had a lot of emails today. Some guy in Amsterdam that wants to be friends and thinks I should come over and we can hang out. There's a difference between just the casual, hey, man, we should hang out. If you're in Toronto, let's grab a beer. And people that really think that because we have similar ideas, they're going to be friends. That guy was great.

Then he emailed again saying, will you call my mate and give him shit about anything? You can just like, oh, I don't have to take direction. Feel this choice. Yeah, whatever you feel, we get the message across. With detailed directions on how to dial internationally, I don't know if I mentioned that to this day I don't dial. When I'm overseas, I just have Brian call for me because I don't know how to dial internationally.

I never change my flight because I wouldn't know how to call the fucking airline. Adam Cummings wrote in. Hi, Doug. I'm a huge fan. Well done on your tin can rehab. I wouldn't have that sort of willpower. I read while I'm smoking a cigarette. I'm not sure of your opinions on the matter, but I'd love to hear you do a rant on conspiracy theories.

your opinions on the matter, but I'd love to hear you do a rant on conspiracy theories. There's loads of colossal fuckwits on the internet who seem to think that every world problem is caused by some omnipotent secret society because they want someone to blame for all the world's naturally occurring problems. One example of this is today I saw on Facebook they have managed to manipulate the HIV virus to cure cancer cells. This led to an online argument spanning a few hours where several retards started claiming that HIV was manmade to control population. This then escalated them to claiming that the Ebola was a manmade to control population. There are several more examples of this kind. Small minded, ever-fearful,

dumb fuckery. I was listening to your Tin Can Rehab podcast while I was trying in vain to educate these absolute morons, and it made me wonder where your opinions were on the matter. I'd love to hear your views on the matter, either on your podcast or when you come to tour England later this year. If you do decide to do it as a podcast, if you could send me an email before it aired so I know to look out for it, it would be much appreciated. Regards, Adam Cummings.

Not only do you want to tell me what to do for content on the podcast, you want a reminder, a personal reminder. So you're going to get it. Because today we're going to do your own personal podcast. Fuck wit on the internet. Talking about fuck wits on the internet. This is a really good, like, this is forward thinking,

because why would a fan of yours want to waste his time listening to a podcast that wasn't exactly tailored to him? Well, he was just suggesting. It was just the end. If you do do this, will you send me a reminder? So, yes, Adam Cummings, I'm not only going to take your suggestion, I'm going to have, bingo, jot down on that list of things to do with the grocery. There's toilet paper, honey for your tea. And oh, don't forget to notify Adam Cummings that his requested podcast is up.

Conspiracy theories exist. You're a fucking moron to think that they don't. I've talked about this in my act seven different ways in a bunch of different times. Maybe none of it recorded because it didn't go anywhere. But yeah, yeah. For every fuckwit on the Internet, every fuckwit. Yeah, it's conspiracy theories are entertaining. They're fun fun they're fun to extrapolate in your mind i wish chad shank were here for this podcast because we've we've talked through this shit to

the point where maybe government is right you know maybe that is like they've figured it all out and they're they're in place for a reason because most people are knuckleheads and would just fucking run rampant and eat each other and club and rape and you know like cavemen without government and they do have to you know mollycoddle you and and oh oh yes we're doing this in your best interest because we're the party of the people yeah whatever just keep these fucking jerk off satiated give them a bible and Kool-Aid and fucking Costco. Put on a championship game. Right. But yeah, they do conspire.

Everyone on every level of society conspires on some level against other people above them or below them to think that government isn't conspiring. to think that government isn't conspiring. If I were in control and had the means, I would create some diseases to get rid of people because you fucking varmints keep spewing out fucking litters. Yeah, I'd do something about that. And I'm sure if I had to call it a disease, if I had to keep you busy, like so you didn't start hitting each other with shovels in the streets.

Yeah, I'd create more jobs. Yeah, these fucking mutants. You see what they do when they're bored. Yeah, I do that. And why would you think they don't? On what level you want to extrapolate it into secret societies? I have a fucking secret society. It's called fucking Sunday football.

You're not invited. Fuck off. How about that? It's a secret society. And you know whatay football you're not invited fuck off how about that it's a secret society and you know what we do we plot against you we sit around and we talk about what fucking morons other people are and that's yeah we conspire hey let's get to safeway because if you get there after three fucking what's her name is working that fucking vicious slow one the slow not not slow, but like she's slow. No.

The express lane. She goes really slow movements. And she bitches about her job to you. Yeah. Yeah. Sherry. Sherry. The computer.

I'm not good with the computer. It's a shame they put you on a computer in the express lane. The point is, yeah, you're conspiring. How evil it is is up to how much power you have. Because if I could put, you know, are you 486 abortion pills into the local drinking water? Yeah, I'd do that. I don't even know where the reservoir is around here, and I'm lazy.

So, yeah, you're a moron. How about that, Adam Cum cummins without a g yes everyone conspires and they're fun the more weird they are the more fun they are like the my favorite one i can never remember the name of it it's the nebraska one with the boys club it's a conspiracy yeah it's a lincoln something. I could type it up. You'll Google it. What is it? It involves George Bush and secret fucking Nambla kind of fucking... Man-boy love. Yeah, fucking kids from the...

What's the boys club? The boys... Boys club. No, the one in Nebraska, the famous one. They wrote a book and made a movie about Boys Town. Boys Town. Yeah, Boys Town in Nebraska. Was that Mickey Rooney?

I think so. Yeah, I think it was Mickey Rooney. A little tiny Mickey Rooney, but he wasn't getting fucked by the vice president. They left that part out. So yeah, that was a great one. I was all involved in it. But yeah, they're fun, and they're far-fetched,

and it's none of your business, really. I think that was the bit I used to do. Something about, oh, yeah, fucking, it's bullshit. What's his name? Lance Armstrong. He was juicing. Yeah. So do you ride bicycles?

No. It's not affecting your life. How does it affect your day? You should drug test him. You're just a fucking narc. That's what you are. You're a narc, and it's none none of your business you're glad as kravitz coming to the door yeah yeah i have proof positive that your wife's been cheating on you who the fuck are you i i'm just a fan i like to see things played on the straight and narrow. You're a fan of me and my wife? Yeah.

It's none of your business. Fuck off. Maybe the government's right. That's the most depressing. When Chad and I were having that discussion, we got down to like maybe that's the ultimate truth is the government's fucking you for your own good. Oh, that's a conspiracy theory is the government's fucking you for your own good. Oh, that's a conspiracy theory in and of itself. Could be.

Is it that they do this in a manner to way out of my league? I need all in men here. I just, I can't do it. We all think that whatever, however you, you, you perceive yourself or you think that's the right point

of view i think i'm right i call you a fucking idiot adam cummins and you think everyone else is an idiot yeah and we're all right everyone does i know and you know who else is everyone the government so and they have all the power so yeah yeah, they're going to fuck you. That's always the problem. I think I might rather live in a world where it's just Mad Max and they boil it down to whoever is the most clever. It's always overlooked when you talk about Darwinism is smart. It's the power of the strongest survive. Well, the smartest survive. Well, he's talking about the animal world, Darwin.

Yeah. I mean, if you're a fucking clever monkey. Yeah. Set up a trip wire. Whatever you need. Well, until the sober back comes in and goes squash yeah then it's survival of fitness i don't know where else to go anyone else have any fucking thoughts on uh conspiracy theories how about we take callers uh that uh want to talk about adam cummins and his ideas

well um check your email you got your computer there. Maybe Adam has another topic. Yeah, kind of burn that one out. Here's an old bit. Adam Cummins is no different than the guy who's in the audience and just yells out, Two-headed baby! Dude, two-headed baby! I don't do that anymore, sir. So that's what you got is a fucking recycled opinion that never really had a payoff on stage.

I actually started to see the value as I was ranting there. Maybe I should fucking recreate that bit. I don't know. I'll write something. I got this tour. Got to write something. Got to have something to talk about. More writing?

I thought you were taking a break. Yeah, I know. I realized the Canadian tour is coming and I have I've taken so long off of being on stage that I go I better fucking get to a notebook. I'm going to put this book on the shelf, which I've been trying to ignore, trying to find any way to not write the book. And then I started fucking working on comedy going, I should really get back to that book. Books actually moving. It's coming. It's coming. I'll get your words in there get me some uh good words for uh drunk drunk did you use inebriated yet no that would that would

just be a spell check nightmare i sit there and you get that red squiggly line and then you try it a different way a hundred people just crossed out inebriate on an email to you right now yeah you're welcome yeah well i hate because sometimes the squiggly line doesn't come up till you've typed several more words and you think i must have fucking nailed that on the first try nope yeah delay delayed fucking uh are you doing that oh yeah let's do that because i have the number up while we go to break here why don't you take a break pause the podcast bingo and her girlfriend did their friendship camp explain that no i'm not going to try to but they were there did some goofy shit

and at the end they were going to bury a time capsule of some different amongst a multitude of other activities they had projects four days yeah they were just her friend came down for a visit so they turned it into a faux summer camp friendship camp and they had matching outfits and it was very cute uh but they get this time capsule so on the last day they were going to bury this time capsule with all sorts of memorabilia of Whiskey Girl, Lindy's Dead Sister, and all these things. Joby's here. He has the bullets.

Did we talk about this? Yeah, you did. That was in the last podcast. All right, so he brought the bullets. Now we're going to put one of those. Oh, nice. So they ordered this fucking time capsule off Amazon, and it shows up, and it's from KC.

Hang on. It's K and Company is the company. K and Company. If you Google them, you can find their phone number. If you want their phone number to order anything or complain, it's 888-294-3929. What was that again? 888-294-3929. What was that again? 888-294-3929. If you order a time capsule from K and Company, what you get is a fucking cigar box, basically, that in very cute fashion on the side of the box says,

you can put this with your memories in an attic or a basement or the crawl space and then it says like it's a positive but whatever you do don't bury it and pour dirt on it why would you pour dirt on a beautiful item like the point is yeah it's not a fucking if you bury it it will rot as jobe said it's like selling a boat that says whatever you do don't taint this with water it'll fucking sink like a rock fuck you k and company you ruined friendship camp how dare you hey killer termites 888-294-3929 i even remembered it i didn't even have to read at that time 294-3929 that's an easy 888 to remember you couldn't read anyway you're blinded with rage i would sit and i would call

them fucking dozens of times in a row but i don't think about it till we start podcasting and they're close so do this while you're supposed to be working make that call and ask them about time capsules and then ask them if you can bury them and then give them a tell them what you think about time capsules that two fucking half retarded girls order to christen the finale of their friendship camp and then realize they can't bury the fucking thing maybe we can put it in the hole where the bullet hole was because they cut that out of the goddamn wall all All right. We'll be back after this message. Hi, this is John Rocker, former Major League pitcher for the Atlanta Braves. And this is Rob Deere, former MLB player for the Detroit Tigers. Yeah.

Do you want to teach your kids how to hit, catch, pitch, field, and run around the bases? Well, you're not going to be able to do it this June 9th through 11th because we couldn't sell enough tickets to our camp in Tombstone and had to cancel our appearance right when we planned on raping Doug and Chaley's wives. What? I was going to take an upper-decker at Stanhope's for heckling me at the Metrodome in 1993.

Well, you're going to have to wait till next time. Until then, we'll see you in the cheap seats. Hey, people. Remember Tucson, June 28th. Bill Burr at the Casino del Sol. That's right. June 28th. Be there.

See the Scarlet Letter. The Scarlet Letterman. Yeah, Bill Burr's playing June 28th. I'll be back from Canada. And my niece is going to be in town. And I think I'm going to hump my fucking 18-year-old niece up to the Casino del Sol. Yeah. Hump her up there like no

jesus oh yeah i'm gonna bring her uh if if it's uh 18 and up how will i tell i'm gonna fucking google it i'm not gonna ask the performer hey bill burr i i want to bring my fucking niece to be corrupted to your show and i don't know how to fucking search it myself. So, yeah, if you want to fucking see Bill Burr, please. Does he have other dates? I'm sure he does, but I'm not near those other dates. I just heard he's going to play here, so I'm going to fucking go up as long as I can bring my niece.

Or by that time, maybe she left. I don't think she wants to see Bill Burr, but I have no idea what to do with a fucking 18-year-old. Yeah, drive to Tucson and expose her to some good comedy? Some culture? All right, there's our ad for the week. We're sponsored by Bill Burr here. And now, back to the podcast, already going south.

Hi, and welcome to Doug Stanhope's Poetry Corner. After Greg Chaley shared one of his inspired pieces of prose with us, I exhorted you, the audience, to contact us with your poems. I don't remember that. But here's the winner. It says, I for one thought your poem, Greg Chaley, was a nice gesture for the beginning of a relationship. Here's one for the other end of the spectrum when everything goes horribly wrong. An ode to my ex-cunt.

Ode to my ex, a.k.a. cunt. You hag, you bag, you no-good skag, you sleazy slimy slut. Between your thighs, green fungus lies, and maggots infest your butt. Before I'd mount your scaly ass,

or suck your festering tits, I'd drink a barrel of buzzard puke, and die of the dribbling shits thank you matt thurmond in sarasota florida i'd say send your poems in but let's just kill this bit well it's still pretty hey montreal is the uh first date of this. If you're listening to this on time, as delivered, June 10th, 2015, is our beginning at Club Soda in Montreal, where Michael Sam, gay linebacker, has been practicing with the Montreal Alouettes, my new favorite CFL football team.

If I haven't said it, sorry, I dumped you Saskatchewan Rough Riders. You were my favorite. But there's a real rough rider in town. His name is fucking Michael Sam. And I will be wherever he plays. I don't care if he's playing flag football at Vista Park. I'm that fucking Vista Park fan. And I also have a a michael sam inspired bit

not that one not that old one not the closer of that last special uh no this is a and i was so happy when he got picked up by the alouettes because i'm going i'm playing there and i thought that bid was a bit was old news nope it's fucking fresh paper right now so yeah hey shoot michael sam a tweet i'd love to i would love him to be there at the show at club soda if i if i've said it before your name will be at the door and unless uh you're a six foot five black n linebacker. No, but Michael Sam and his boyfriend. Yeah.

You're fucking, you're on the house, baby. I'll squeeze you into that show. God damn right. So yeah, let Michael Sam know to come to that show. If you're in Montreal at Michael Sam NFL is his Twitter.

I've been telling him no response, but I don't know if he thinks I'm coming on to him. I am. I fucking am. Fuck yeah. He's hitting. It's a good bit. It's very pro Michael Sam.

Yeah. Well, anyway, so that and get some emails here to read because none of you ever sent postcards with tweets. Fuck you. i thought that would take off maybe you know what maybe maybe it's the whole postage thing what's it but who has a postcard what hey all right here we've got colossal fuck with out of the way thanks for that thanks for giving me at least four minutes of content on this thing hey this is from vancouver these are the uh these are the offers i get in the mail and from paul jackson from vancouver these are the these are the offers i get in the mail

and from paul jackson in vancouver hey i'm sleeping in my van and it's spectacularly wicked after fringing for 14 hours star drinking dot dot ha stinking period poo bear flicking friend blanket and already drank myself already drank one word already drank myself sober more than twice am drunk again and wish i had a postcard cheers we'll have to we'll try to have flasks of rusty nails for your here time in Vancouver. Hope I het the night off. Can I pick you up from YVR? Airport code for Vancouver. I have van, no question, S, period.

As long as I have the night off. Babble on, Paul Jackson. Yes, thank you, Paul. We would definitely need to be picked up at the airport in Vancouver in your van. If you have the night off, if you have the night off, I think we get in there a night early, actually. Do you have room to sleep in your van? Because I don't know if we have accommodations yet. Not only do we not have a ride or a cab fare, I'd like to sleep. I'd just lay in the bed while you drive us because I'm sure there's two seats up front and then just your cardboard boxes that you have broken down for a mattress there.

Crates or cinder blocks. You got something. Chaley gets car sick if he sits in the back. So I got to be up front. I'll sit in the back with the three legged dog, the milky eyes. Thank you, Paul Jackson.

Well, just, you just wait at the airport for us now. What's that one? Oh, this is a cool guy. I like this guy. Dear Doug, I would like to thank you most profusely. Since Friday, I've been lying in

bed with dengue fever, temperature through the roof, and crapping gallons of brown water every few minutes. However, this miserable existence is being made bearable by listening to your superb 30 days in the hole podcast nonstop. At times I've laughed so much I've lost control of my battered sphincter. Sheets have needed to be changed. By the way, a top way of eating black lumpfish caviar or lumpfish roe, as we call it, is on sour cream on Little Crackers, water biscuits probably best. Good luck with the book, sir. Kind regards, and thanks again. I'll be sending off for merch as soon as I'm no longer bedridden.

Johnny Martin, Koala Lumpur. Hashtag Killer Termites, Koala Lumpur chapter. So yeah, got a fucking guy with dengue fever in Koala Lumpur. Sir, if I can make you shit the bed, I've done my day's work. And I appreciate the nice email. Merch is for sale. I hope to see you wearing it at the shows. Killer Termite stickers.

Chaley's putting those in. They're supposed to be a surprise. No, no. I'm just saying we have them now. We have them. Yeah. Yeah, but you can't order them. They go out with packages. No, no. I'm just saying we have them now. We have them. Yeah. Yeah, but you can't order them. They go out with packages.

No, you can order them online. Why would you order just a sticker? Who does that? People do. Do they? I don't know. And something's fucked up. I have to – just so you know, anyone who orders a sticker, it charges you like a dollar for shipping.

So if you order five stickers, it charges you $5 for stickers. for shipping. So if you order five stickers, it charges you $5 for stickers. And I refund the money because I can't figure out how to make it just charge for, you know, whatever the rate is. So if you,

if you're alarmed at that, you can always hit me up with an email, but I, I, anyone who orders just stickers, I give them the money. That's why we never see Chaley. Can't get anything right,

but spends all day fixing it. That's what it says on my windbreaker. And this is the fucking big call to arms. I'm fucking. So what do I do? I, the podcast is me bitching about people wanting to be friends with them or call them and drunk dial them.

And all my pod, the entire content of this has pretty much been asking you for shit. Now that I've like recapped this podcast. Hey, call this company and tell them to go fuck themselves. Hey, fuck you. How about have a joke or something? Listen to your dumb podcast. This is from our good friend, Brendan Walsh.

All right. At Brendan Walsh. Hey, fellas. Brendan Walsh. Hey, fellas. Brendan Walsh. We talked about it on the podcast a while ago, but he put out and it's fucking hilarious, especially when you read the last page, the gay baby's calendar. It's a calendar of gay babies and gay baby poses. And it's the website is uh gaybabiescalendar.com and he said would you tell your minions

on an upcoming podcast to complain to fox news cnn and any other religious right-wing nut job organization about this calendar it's fucking hilarious and it should get some press this is one of those fucking pranks we should be able to pull off with the tenacity of our listeners when they get motivated and gay babies. Brennan suggests to find a list of right wing fucking nut job organizations. You can go to alternate.org. Just fucking Google search 10 most dangerous religious right wing organizations and fucking and BCC me at Doug at DougStanhope.com. So they're not tipped off that this might be a prank. Yeah, try to fucking be serious.

Don't try to write fuck-worthy stuff and try to be funny. Try to write what sounds like- Outrage. Yeah, find a church so you have a real, I'm from this church. Our pastor has talked about this. Uh, this is being sold in bookstores in my town. Can you believe this is a real thing?

Just like something like you're incredulous that this even exists. What are we going to do about it? One of my neighbors is raising her child gay shit like that. Like make it funny to me, but not, you can't be on the nose and don't use bad words like if you if you think you can write a really funny letter maybe that we'll make that another contest so i've at least you're getting some free shit by the way whoever won

the floyd's bag contest adam and uh the other guy that had dean paton in the Dean Potter as a single pick. Yeah. In the death. Yeah. I get it. You get a fucking, I supposed to send you free shit,

but Chaley was out of town. So just email me again and go, cause you won't know Adam. He won't know even one unless he's listening to this podcast. Oh, you gotta be a listener. Yeah. Email me with your address because I have your thing,

but then the box that came in with your return address, I don't know where to send shit. So yeah. And yeah, if you can get gay babies mentioned in the press, you'll win something. I don't know. We'll send you a bunch of shit from the crawl space. Less is more with the letter. Don't try to get too flowery. Yeah, to the point.

Yeah, and pick your own right-wing organization. I love that. How come Fox News will cover this, but they won't cover that? That's always a good smarmy tactic. Just find some liberal angle. Oh, they're all happy to talk about Caitlyn Jenner, but why won't they cover this? This is happening.

Real news. This is a real thing. So, yeah, GayBabiesCalendar.com. All right, I think we're going to wrap this up. I got to get my shit together for Canada. Get my fucking, all my maple leaf shit. What? Maple leaf stuff.

You have maple leaf stuff? Oh, I carry a flag when I play Canada. I carry it on the bus, a big maple leaf. I sing Oh Canada all the time. Burger King and stuff. Tell people to go back to America and shit. Yeah. Have a good time up there.

Eh? Yeah. We're going to podcast from Canada. Yeah, we'll podcast all the time. Yeah. A lot. Podcast a lot. That's it.

Oh, yeah. Hey, did you notice we don't have an opening fucking number anymore i did yeah yeah uh so yeah please listen to mishka shibali and we'll play him here and again but yeah we're gonna play uh just a different outro for everyone and uh well for now since i haven't thought about it let's just go old school and uh we'll march out of this one to this one. Fucking broke my heart the other day when I was writing stuff that was already hurting and it came on my dumb iPod. And it was it's Warren Zevon. Keep me in your heart for a while.

That's it here. Yeah. This came on my iPod, and it made me think that I should have like a will, like a videotaped if I'm dead, or just a will where it says, okay, and what I want you to do is play this song and try not to cry,

because I'm going to laugh at you from hell if you cry so i play this at my funeral and try try to try to laugh it's the opposite of make me laugh make me cry you have to not cry all right here's uh warren zeevon. We love you. Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath. Keep me in your heart for a while. If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less. Keep me in your heart for a while When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun

Keep me in your heart for a while There's a train leaving nightly Called when all is said and done Keep me in your heart for a while Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Keep me in your heart for a while Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Keep me in your heart for a while Sha la la la la la la la la la Keep me in your heart for a while Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house

Maybe you'll think of me and smile You know I'm tied to you Like the buttons on your blouse Keep me in your heart for a while Hold me in your thoughts Take me to your dreams Touch me as I fall into view When the winter comes Keep the fires lit Touch me as I fall into view.

When the winter comes, keep the fires lit. And I will be right next to you. Engine drivers headed north to Pleasant Street. Keep me in your heart for a while these wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam keep me in your heart for a while

sha la la la la la la la la keep me in your heart for a while Keep me in your heart for a while