The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#86: Hilarious Death and Murder Fantasies with Chad Shank and Friends

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Hilarious Death and Murder Fantasies with Chad Shank and FriendsRecorded July 10, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDfatty), Jobi (@StanhopeCDP), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links -Thought Crimes: The Case of the Cannibal Cop - http://bit.ly/1H7ZYxqKINK.COM - http://www.kink.comStanhope's Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/stanhopetvClosing Song, "Rearranging Deck Chairs on the Titanic" performed by The Refreshments. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

What a wonderful day! It's the Doug Stano Podcast with the triumphant return of Chad Shank and Joby, who's still sulking in a corner. Because evidently last night I missed Chick Fights. Or was it just UFC? No, it was Invicta Chick Fights. All Chick Fights? Yeah, all Chick Fights. The whole court of Chick Fights. Oh, it was Invicta Chick Fights. All Chick Fights? Yeah, all Chick Fights. The whole court of Chick Fights.

All I do when I'm writing that stupid book is think of all the things that I'm missing, which I wouldn't have shown up for anyway. Yeah. I wasn't going to drive to... I hosted people in my house. It was weird. I've had Joby there, but it's a lot different. Yeah, Joby's not hosting.

Joby's a co-host wherever he goes. That's the thing, because Joby brings his own shit, so I don't have to worry about anything, because I don't care anyway. Joby hosts on the road. Joby comes over and cooks at my house. Yeah. Brings his own company. Has his own food.

Doesn't care if you're home or not. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm sorry I missed out on the chick fights, but Reverend Derek clued me in to, yeah, and there's a girl, and they're black in both her eyes. I bet it was great secondhand. Those fight stories are the best, just listening to. It's like

sitting next to a guy at a poker machine in Vegas where he just tells you all the things he could have done. If I'd have held the six, I'd have had a three of a kind. It's just like being there on your machine. So we're watching gay football. We're supposed to be, Michael Sam was supposed to play today,

according to something I read in the CFL. And so we had a gay football day in spite of no football, rooting for the Michael Sam's Montreal Alouettes. And they haven't even mentioned his name yet. Let's put him in. So fuck you, Montreal Alouettes. If you want gay football fans pretending to be gay watching the Alouettes in another country, you better put in Michael Sam, number 94.

I haven't even seen him on the sideline. Didn't you switch to that team because of that? Yeah, I was a Saskatchewan Rough Riders fan. I don't watch CFL, but it's important to have a team if you know about the league. You should have a favorite team. And it was the Rough Riders, now it's Montreal. Unless they don't put Michael Sam in, then it's right back to the Rough Riders. Are you giving them one, two games?

How many games? I don't know. I don't have clear-cut rules on this. It's a loose rule. Speaking of loose rule, I don't know what that means. Hey, I want to start with announcements, because it's all I got. Chad Shank has stories he can't tell, as always. I always have stories I can't tell.

Last night I watched... If you guys have not seen HBO, and someone tweeted me this or emailed me this, so thank you whoever did, because I didn't know about it. On HBO, there's a documentary called Thought Police, the story of the cannibal cop. And it's fucking great. Unfortunately, it's still in play. They put it out before it came to a conclusion. So it's like that other one. You might remember the story

because it's recent. The last couple of years a New York cop that was role-playing on a fetish site like darkfetish.net or darkfetishnet.com some weird You're already on it. You're're my fans you know what it is oh where he was talking about doing something to his wife

eating her and stuff eating other chicks he used his police database to like look up old girlfriends so they colluded that he was actually conspiring to do this because he was talking about these girls even though it was a year earlier

that he'd looked them up on the police database, and it was a fuck story. And I just wanted to call you the whole time. As much as we plot threat jokingly,

murders. Just the fact that this guy, and he got convicted, and then they appealed, and they ditched it, and then they... He eventually got out because he was with his mom, right? Yeah, he was on house arrest, but then they were appealing, and they were going to convict

him again, and I guess it's still in limbo. I didn't Google it afterwards. No one was killed. No one was eaten. He didn't even conspire. They just made this thing because he was writing weird shit. And there's parts where you go

it's a great documentary because there's parts where you go, ooh, maybe this guy is creepy. And then they give you, oh no, look at the dates. Alright, he wasn't creepy. Well, he's creepy, but I'm into some fucking creepy shit too. And I've said it in my act. i'm into some fucking creepy shit too and i've said it in my act like i i i'm into some porn that i would never do in real life because it would hurt

well and then you talk about like a lot of the stuff i'll throw it like if i'm angry angriest tweets or stuff like that i end up deleting all of it and don't put it for that very reason i'm afraid i'm like well that's fucking incriminating. I'm not going to fucking put that in public. Yeah, there's no such thing as deleting anyway. Well, I don't send them. I write them and then don't send them. You probably can't even delete that. Yeah, somebody's got a record of it. I don't care. But I've

gone so far. I wake up murderous. Michael Violette was the guy from the Free Credit Report band. When they used to have those FreeCreditReport.com bands. The combo that would play the song

in the background. He looked like Henry Phillips. And he was really annoying. And his songs didn't even fucking make sense. And I looked him up. I found out where he lived. And he lives in Montreal. And his name's Michael or Eric Violette. And yeah, I found him just so it gave me some kind of peace of mind in a fetishy kind of way that to know that I could find and kill that guy because he was stupid he didn't do anything wrong his songs didn't make

sense you go you got bad credit and you go to buy a car but you didn't know you had bad credit so you have a piece of shit car now and like well you had fucking bad credit and you go to buy a car, but you didn't know you had bad credit. So you have a piece of shit car now. And like, well, you had fucking bad credit anyway. Like, how would knowing help you? You're still going to have a piece of shit car. And I get fucking violent at these things. And then you go find the guy. So like, if they can find your Google searches like they did with Cannibal Cop and your tweets.

Yeah. Minority report. Exactly. All of a sudden, you're wearing a pair of matching bracelets being led to a car. It's fucking terrifying. Yeah. And this guy was a cop. And I'm sticking up for him. Yeah.

So, yeah, that's... The guy looked like he would have had to have kidnapped. He had these scenarios he's spelling out. He's on chat on this site with other fucking creepos. And he was saying, yeah, I'm setting up a roaster in my basement to roast her body. I can't wait to taste it. He lived in a fucking... His basement was the community apartment building laundry room.

They're going, that would be kind of an awkward place to try to roast a girl alive if he did have an oven, which he didn't. By the way, my brother's special effects company, Ghostright.com, the roasting man effect is on special this week. All right. That just threw me. Oh, okay. So now my brother thinks up these things all the time. We have pictures of them. We have people modeling for these things.

Well, make sure in every one you say it's not a joke because they had like 24 logs of conversations with this cannibal cop where in 21 out of 24 I think it was where he said I'm just kidding I mean for the record this is all just fantasy right but three he didn't so he got convicted so every

time we talk about murdering people we're gonna have to do just kidding clause lol yeah that's the fucking that's why violent video games are popular and violence isn't. Yeah, it's fun to pretend. That's why kink.com is a fucking plug, unsolicited. Yeah, a lot of that shit had hurt, but I'll jerk off to it.

You went there, didn't you? They gave you a tour? Yeah, yeah, me and Hennigan, of all people. Did they reach out to you, or was there some kind of... Yeah, some guy, San Francisco. Yeah. They have this whole block. Kink.com has an old armory in San Francisco that's...

Really? Yeah. It's the entire block. It's like four stories of SM. Taking it to the nth degree. Fucking chick wrestling, scissoring, and fuck, just all dungeons and yeah, some guy, I don't know,

he's a security guy there. What he did, I think he was a special effects guy. I don't know. Yeah, they got production guys. Yeah, he gave us a tour, but we're with Hannigan. Well, first of all, it's the set of... Once I did the

AVNs, I realized how humorless porno is. No one's having fun. They're not supposed to. Maybe they're in character. I've been on a regular porn set where they go from acting like they're having fun to immediately cut, and they don't

want you there. But with S&M shit, I guess maybe they're just in character acting hateful or humiliated. Like a mortician eating a sandwich during an autopsy. He could turn it on and off, right? But he's not eating a sandwich when the

reporters come in. I wasn't a reporter. I was a fucking creepy guy staring. So, yeah, we got a tour of that. It was nice. I'm a fan of the kink.com, though I just find you through you porn. Probably broke. That's why that guy's fired now.

Yeah, we referenced that ultimate surrender. We finally remember that's what it was called. Oh, yeah, yeah. The chick's wrestling. I think that's what Derek thought he was going to watch last night. He was disappointed at the house. When's the show come on? Close on.

I have an ex-girlfriend who I didn't know at the time, but after we broke up, she got into humiliating guys, like a short guy. And she was tall and came in and like dominated and stuff. And, uh, our friend in Alaska, the general manager sent, sent me this tape and I'm like,

this looks like me and her walking around the street. And she did humiliate you. Oh yeah. You, you did like a Jonestown, Guyana escape from that relationship. But it was, it was,

no, no, let's go there. We never brought this up. Let's fucking go there because this is a great story. She's like a bodybuilder. Was.

I know when Bingo was backed up from her fucking medication, wouldn't let her shit, Chaley could show her exactly how to do an enema because he had to do it for his bodybuilder girlfriend, Dominatrix.

Yeah. That was a very Henry Phillips. Yeah. So, yeah, tell us how that's... Do you want to just cut to the end? She was a douche. There's a lot of ends to this one. Well, I remember the one.

You were, like, scared of her. Fuck yeah. No, when we... Are you talking about when we broke up at the airport? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was... My brother and I were talking, and I was in this relationship in Alaska. How long?

The initial relationship was about four years. All right. And I talked her into going back home down in lower 48 and visiting. She had a relative that was dying. I think her dad was dying or something like that. You got to go down there. You got to go down there. And then I talked to my brother, and he goes, she's gone?

She's not in the house? I go, she's not in the state? He goes, get the fuck out right now. Get the fuck out. And I go. He's like an abused wife. But I go. Get a fucking piece of meat

over his shiner and pack him with the other hand it was the minor leagues for her humiliation business I go this is my excuse but

who'll feed the cat right it's fucking horrible I would have thought the same thing that's a decent thing to do I'm not taking the cat I don't want the cat

but who's gonna and my brother's not taking the cat. I don't want the cat. But who's going to? And my brother's all, fuck the cat. My brother was like, take a whole bag of food and dump it on the fucking ground and just fucking walk out of there with your sanity. Right? They're twins, by the way. They're exact twins, and it's creepy as shit. So, yeah, this is Chaley's,aley's inner brain that's saying this to him.

100% right. So I waited in his own voice. The voice inside my head is actually my brother's voice inside my ear. That's so weird because everyone hates the sound of their own voice. So you'd think that you would hate your brother's voice

because he sounds exactly like you we were at the merch booth he came up to vancouver at the rickshaw and they're they're both yelling barking orders at people okay you want a picture stand that i don't know who to look at because they're both chaley in my ears so your brother says get the out. So she was gone for two weeks, and 13 and a half days later, I decide, fuck it. Yeah, I'm going to do this. And I had support from the club out there, and they gave me a place. That was when I moved in with Becker. So I had a place.

Everything was cool. But I still felt some need to personally tell her it's over. And I picked her up at the airport in her truck. And she got into the truck. And I said, hey, you drive. So she gets in. And I go around to the other side of the passenger. And I go, by the way, it's over.

And I just laid it out right there. She just came from like Hawaii or something. So there's some jet lag. And she's like, what? Hawaii? And then I'm all'm all yeah it's fucking done i've already moved out i'm i'm out of here and so then i go across the street to catch a cab and then she pulls away i'm like fuck boy that that was easy fuck no problem fuck the cat right

this is great and i go yeah let me go get my car and i tell the uh the uh cabbie the address and i realize oh fuck i'm parked at our old place where she's headed and she's doing that thing where she's like she's like coming up alongside the cabbie and then she realizes she's on the driver's side she pulls back and comes up onto my side to fucking mean mug me. And then we're doing this. I'm all, hey, guys, I don't know who this is, but if you can get there quicker, that'd be good with me. And of course, where we lived was a fucking cul-de-sac.

Cul-de-sac. Custer's last cul-de-sac, as Becker would say. And the cul-de-sac had oneuster's last cul-de-sac, as Becker would say. And the cul-de-sac had one car in it, which was mine. A one-ton Chevy ambulance. Seems cool at the time.

This big monstrosity of a vehicle, right, that was great for moving gear. Bought it for the band, man. I got there and... I wasn't planning on the Yoko. She pulled up and I was... I mean, I've got my keys. I'm ready to go,

but it was a thing where I had to get the right key because it was a key for the ignition, a key for the thing. I was like, what the fuck? So I'm going to it and she is blocking me anywhere I go to the back because I figured I'd go to the back. I'd jump in the back.

That's what I'll do. But she's right there. She's causing a scene. And we've got three other people that live on the street. I said, fuck, man. What am I going to do? So I kept going to the front and then to the back, to the front. And I'm like, what the fuck do I do?

And I did this juke move where I faked one way and I had the right key, threw it in there, slammed the door. I'm like, awesome. So she's standing behind. It's a cul-de-sac. I'm pulled in front ways. She's standing behind the vehicle, and she can't do anything. I mean, I can't do anything. She can't bench press it once she's had her enema.

So finally, I mean, this is a fucking nightmare. And I just fucking lean on the horn. I'm like, you want someone to come out here? Fucking awesome. Yes lean on the horn. I'm like, you want someone to come out here? Fucking awesome. Yes. Call the cops. There's a guy honking his horn. Because that would be the best thing in the world.

And that's what I did. I just honked the horn until she fucking finally gave up. And that was part one. Were we already at the airport? Yeah. All right. That's where you got in the cab. That's where you get the cab.

I thought you flew out of that relationship. No. I dove back in it. Oh, okay. Well, that's a... That was a horrible escape plan. I've been waiting for you to tell that story. I know you have more to it.

Yeah, there's a couple more. Go. No, this is... Come on. Why? You never tell your stories. You fucking... Hang on, hang on. Tracy, you

have a mic right there that's waiting for Joby. Joby's texting. The reason that you couldn't... You can't talk off mic. There you go. The reason that you couldn't move her out of the way, aside from the fact that she was bigger and stronger, is that... Then me or the van?

Wouldn't she have just grabbed you? Oh, yeah. That was when we first met. That's how she got her ex-boyfriend thrown in jail for three days. And she bragged about this move, that what you do is when the guy gets – she said, this is what happened. He was a dick. They came home on acid and fucking having a fun party, and I'm around vacuuming the house.

So I got him down outside, down in the courtyard of an apartment complex. And then we just got really close, and I grabbed him and pulled him down and fell backwards. And so that when anyone looked out and said, what's going on out there? They see a guy rolling around and going, he's beating the shit out of her. That's fucking exactly what I did a bit. I think it's from across the street about chicks that know they can get you to fucking hit them or become aggravated. They can fuck you into looking like that. And I get a lot of shit from people about that.

Like I was promoting. And I get a lot of shit from people about that. Like I was promoting. No, if you're a chick that is not like that, you've never seen that happen. But if you've been on the other side of the coin where a chick is calculating enough to make you look like a fucking asshole, she'll get your ass kicked by other guys in the bar doing shit like that. So if you've never encountered that, I've encountered that a lot. Yeah, I have too. In the Army, that happened over everybody partying in a motel room.

A similar type thing. Tail hook. And somebody put on porno, and then pretty soon the drunks take, my tits are better than that, and she takes her shirt off. And then hanging out, and a little while later, she starts wanting to suck. I can suck dick better than that. And it's like, oh, this sounds like a good time. And I was like, I don't know.

I don't fucking trust this shit. I'm going to leave. And I fucking left. And sure enough, we all got back and three guys got charged with sexual assault. I could have went in and told them that she was fucked up and willing, but then it would have just drug me in. So I was like, fuck it. You guys should have left when I did.

Yeah, it's scary. I was just writing a part of the book with me and an undisclosed person and mother, some weird chick in Florida, and we were just cocaine paranoid afterwards. That's the exact kind of chick that would cry rape because she made poor decisions. How many times could you cry rape because you woke up next to a girl that you're like,

oh, and I'm married. I was raped. I was drunk. We were both drunk. Take your lumps. And by that, I mean herpes sores. Yeah, it's a frightening world we live in. And I'm glad to be on the

other side of that fucking hump. Disinterested in sex? Yeah. It's a fucking marvelous place to be. Just all the shit you get into. That guy, the cannibal cop. He's all fucking twisted up in this shit. Couldn't wait to get home and brag to the guy that he just met up with one of the girls.

The girl that got him busted. You have to watch the thing. We'll have a discussion panel after everyone's watched it. I want to put a link up. Is it called Cannibal Cop? It's thoughtpolice.somethingcannibalcop. HBO. Yeah, HBO.

Or you guys will just steal it online. That's why I'm afraid to tell stories on this podcast all the time. I want to fuck something to come back and get me. Change the name. Yeah, we'll change the name of it. We're going to change the name of the podcast to For Entertainment Purposes Only. I've thought about that. It's a comedy podcast.

I was being liberal trying to be funny. Doug Stanhope's just kidding. Yeah, all right. For Entertainment Purposes Only. That's in the running. Someone emailed me Eat the Mic, which I love, for a name for the podcast. Allegedly, I at one point said that at the 100th episode, we're going to have a title for this podcast. So people are sending in, yeah, eat the mic.

I like that one. Whoever sent that in. For entertainment purposes only and just fucking with you. Oh, that's a good one. Or that guy had it coming anyway. That commercial hasn't run in years and he's still dead. The elephants never forget. I could go on.

That's why I was trying to come up with a story that I could tell. I could probably tell the story of when i almost stabbed a guy all right i didn't i didn't stab the guy well i think that's why you put almost in there well i'm just making sure i don't want to fucking thought police to come get me all right uh some time ago when i was younger i was hanging out in my front yard with like two or three other guys and we're drinking beer in the middle of the night and a drunk guy fucking wandered into my yard and great big mexican guy and he came over and i said hey how's it going you know i was trying to be it was a little scary but i was trying to be cool with him i said how's

donald trump is going to play this whole interview as proof that he's right. Go ahead. That's right. Well, the guy, he wanted a ride to go somewhere, to town or whatever, and I told him, everybody here is fucked up. I don't know. This doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I'm in storytelling mode. I don't know. This feels fucking weird.

I don't feel like I'm telling the story. I've told this story before. Chaley just turns his back. I don't remember this story. No, not to you guys. I don't feel like I'm telling the story. I've told this story before. Chaley just turns his back. I don't remember this story. Not to you guys. I haven't told this story. We've told this story every single podcast I've done, and I'm still surprised at the end.

Well, so after a little while, he starts getting kind of aggressive because I told him we can't go to the thing. And I had a large piece of chain hanging from a tree in my yard. I took it. It's from Halloween. Well, no. No, I took it specifically as a weapon. I saw it.

It was like, that's kind of like a welded handle on the end of a giant bicycle chain. So I want that. I worked at a mine, and it was part of a mill. That's no excuse. It was part of a mill. Oh, no excuse. It was part of a mill. Oh, why? Oh, I thought you meant seriously I found this cool weapon. Not seriously. I wanted that as a weapon. I'm sorry. Yeah. No, that was a great weapon.

Like a piece of like galvanized pipe? No, it was like a solid rod. Kind of like an eye bolt type thing. Okay. And then going into a large bicycle type chain, but imagine a humongous bicycle, three or four inches wide. Can you do a diagram we can put up on the website? I would love to. Let me fucking...

I was already having a hard time telling this story, you dick. Now you fucked me all up and I... Were there presents under the tree? There was only me and a drunk Mexican were under the tree. I don't know. Singing Yuletide songs. Under the killing tree. That's good.

For the icicle that's good for the icicle that's a bicycle chain well he started getting threatening and then i fucking reached the point where i only have two modes where i can be extra nice and then if i flip the other way then i'm just extra fucking mean so i i was being trying to be nice and get him out of there. I flipped the point, and I just grabbed that chain and started fucking screaming at him, the fuck out of here? And I started swinging it like a figure eight and throwing sparks off.

Nunchuck. Yeah, just drunk. You're a raver. Yeah, just a big drunk fuck. And he started taking off, and I'm chasing him, and I chased him a little ways down the road, and then he stopped. And then he started yelling back, and he was part of the Mexican mafia.

He was involved with the local fucking gang. Like the Ocho or the whatever. I don't even know anything about it. That was the only term that I was given. But some of the guys that I was with, I hung out with some guys that were. I was hoping you heard this from another source because if he was just well hey as he's running back see and i guess and that's a mafia and i could now i can tell you right now why i'm having a hard time telling the story because i'm trying

to leave shit out that i don't want to put in so the guys i'm hanging out with are part of the arian brotherhood and they're or part of another group. How about that? By the way, I believe that other word. It's not illegal to hang out with people from the Aryan Brotherhood. You're the one who's nervous. We were Cub Scouts and they were Boy Scouts. Let's just say that. We didn't get along.

I was not part of that. I just knew a lot of different people. I hung out with guys. It was a small place. And I don't know how much of it was really that real anyway. Because I wasn't part of it. But this guy started yelling all this stuff about he was going to be back. And one of the guys I was with said, this guy is known and this is a fucked up situation.

He's going to be back here. It's going to be a fucking problem. And I said, You said, hey, it's your house. I'm out of here. No, it was my house. So I said, I got to fucking, I'm going to go and fucking stab that guy. It went zero to 60?

Zero to stab. I told you, I was already at zero when I was trying nicely to get him out of my yard. He's lucky. I wasn't swinging the chain trying to get him to stab. I told you, I was already at zero when I was trying nicely to get him out of my yard. He's lucky. I wasn't swinging the chain trying to get him to leave. I was swinging it trying to hit him with it, but he was fucking too fast. Yeah, the 60 is when he's swinging the chain. It goes back to zero when he's rationally thinking, oh, I'll need to stab that guy mathematically to stop any further problems.

Just like he's doing taxes. Yeah, it was surreal. It was really surreal, the whole thing. Because I got an ice pick because I knew exactly where he was going to walk because I knew where he wanted to go because he was telling us. I'm picturing you with a tool belt like Batman. No, but you know what? Who has an ice pick?

It's beside the bicycle chain with the eye bolts. Of course. A lot of weaponry. In alphabetical order, eye bolt, ice chain. Bullets run out after a while. You have to have a lot of extra weaponry around. I collect tools. It's a thing. I'm on eBay.

So skip to the part where you kill the Mexican mafia with Chinese throwing stars. So I get my chinese throwing stars out of my socks my my friend i remember my friend uh took let me have your shoes while i was over getting stuff and i was like what the fuck he took my shoes and he put duct tape on the bottom of my shoes so there wouldn't be no tracks so there wouldn't be tracks when i went over because i knew where he was going to be walking. And there was a large canyon off to the side. That's one of those details.

I can ambush him and fucking just drag him down. Nobody walks that area unless you're drunk in the middle of the night anyway. So he wouldn't be found for a long time. All I had to do was go over a mountain and I'd be right back at my house. So I'm on my way outside. I start fucking just shaking uncontrollably all of a sudden when I realized I was about to go stab this guy with an ice pick.

I get myself under control, and I go outside, and the fucking cops have pulled up because the neighbors, apparently whenever I was screaming, swinging a giant chain down the middle of the street, it upset some neighbors. Much like honking a horn. So they called, and I didn't know what to do.

So I told half-truth, and I said, I don't know, a fucking drunk guy came over here, started being belligerent, and I fucking chased him out of my yard and fucking was hollering and stuff. I said, all right. About that time, another cop pulls up down at the end and he radios him up and he goes, oh, is this the guy? And he opens the back door and this big fucking Mexican guy gets out.

And in a split second, I go, no, I've never seen that guy before. Oh, nice move. Diplomacy. That's Bob's your uncle. Touch the side of the nose. And we were close enough to where I could look at him and he could look at me. And the next day I had a barbecue with a lot of my white friends.

Cub Scouts. Yes. We were learning to tie knots and load weaponry. And a bunch of him and a bunch of guys showed up. But he said. is everything okay? And I said, everything's fucking fine with me as long as you guys go on your way. And they said, all right, we don't have a problem. And they left.

And I almost stabbed a guy. See, that's diplomacy. Yes. You should be dealing with Chad Shank in 2016. He should be doing the Iran nuclear that whole fucking...

I was going Putin. It's out of the news. It's out of the news, but I just watched that... Do you watch the Vice show on HBO? Yeah. They just did a 45-minute thing on the new Cold War. Because I love Vice, but you go, this sounds as fear-based as CNN. As the Bush administration. Yeah, you're still going to sell tickets.

So, yeah, but there is saying the, I won't do it justice. Let's take a break. Let's read. I have to say one thing. When Chad was telling the story of just kidding someone almost getting stabbed, I just thought of like a junior detective going like, Captain, we got something here. Apparently, the murderer was wearing duct tape shoes.

What the fuck? That's great. All right, we'll take a break, and we'll be back after bullshit and pre-recorded things. Great news, kids. great news kids the much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by greg chaley so we have uh tour t-shirts podcast t-shirts we have pop-off vodka presents t-shirts get them before we get sued before we get the cease and desist and a whole shitload of, uh, CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime, a sad, tragic,

bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. Uh, so help me get that shit out of my crawl space. Thanks for that. And now back to the podcast previously recorded. Okay. Viewer mail, uh, Chaley, uh, we got, uh, Previously recorded. question. Wait a minute. Two different people sent the same question? Yes. Out of three postcards that I hold in my hand, two have the same. That's two-thirds. That's two-thirds of the mail. Well, actually, one of them asked two questions.

We won't count that. Yeah, we don't count the second one. One says, what is your biggest thrift store bargain you ever got? The other said, you buy a lot of shit at thrift stores. What's the craziest or most cherished of all your worthless possessions? That's a good question.

That's like saying, what's the drunkest you've ever been? Well, I got a whole lot to choose from. Who's your favorite child? So now, let's cue the music and we'll figure it out. All right. I knew Chaley would remember more than me. He already has his answer, which is? Yeah, when I was living in Alaska, I hit pawn shops when we played out of the way towns.

And in Juneau, I found a Gibson, like a little practice amp from Gibson in the 70s. Back when it was USA made. And I just bought it because I go, oh, that's fucking cool. It's got a tremolo in it. It's a fucking badass little practice amp. I bought it, and then when I was working at K-Wale, and I did backline for bands that would come in on Fridays and play, like bands that were playing at the arenas and stuff,

the guy from Cake, the guitarist from Cake, was like, dude, where did you get that amp? And I'm like, if someone would have asked me, like, hey, you want to sell that? I would have sold it for $10 before this guy goes, that thing's fucking awesome. And I realized that I bought it on an impulse because, oh, that's cool. It's cheap. I'll get it. And I'm in Juneauo there's fucking nothing in juno right and this guy telling me how fucking he coveted this thing in the height of cake like uh their song that was out it was just

it was fucking huge right and this guy going like dude you're so lucky i'm like wait i work at i work at a fucking radio station in a hundred market in anchorage alaska i'm lucky we're in a we're in a fucking bomb shelter dude look around this isn't luck i no i'm done that's it i don't remember like uh thrift store like i i've had a million great thrift store scores. I'm not trying to find stuff that's expensive. Hennigan, your thrift store here in Bisbee, they don't have any fucking

idea what they're selling. And he's come back blushing, embarrassed at how much he feels he ripped them off. This is a brand new whatever kind of suitcase. He's in a luggage. And no, this would cost you $240. It's brand new.

I just got it for $3 because they don't know. So I'm not trying to find amazing bargains. Just great shit. But I do remember the best thrift store haul that I remember. I think I remember.

Florida? Hollywood, Florida. And we scored... USA Thrift. Wow! That was it. See? You fucking remember everything. No, because we did the show after and we had the Fat Albert shirt and you had the dice clay. Every show, I had this... Denim jacket

with the beefcake photos. But like the studded holes and shit. And then I had man boy shorts. It was disturbing. Gay roller skater shorts. What do you call that material? Pleather. It's like pleather with ass cheeks hanging out.

I had one ball hanging out on stage. It was disturbing. Muslim prayer robes. Both me and out on stage. Muslim prayer robes. Both me and Bingo got fitting Muslim prayer robes. All in one fucking thrift store. This is one day. A FUBU Fat Albert short sleeve collared shirt. What?

And orange fucking pants. Orange pants! That fit me! One thrift store. We had outfits for three or four different shows. I still remember the frontage of driving up going, oh, this is a loser. I remember that. Was that 441?

So 41 State Highway? I remember we were off the highway, and I remember seeing that. It was straight. It wasn't in a shopping mall. It was the fucking centerpiece. That was a day I remember. We just answered those questions way too long. That was from Tom and Kelly

Ziegler with the same question. The other one from Kelly was what's the most times, max times you've gone to Safeway in a day? From what I remember, four. I've gone three in the same shift. But I think four

is the max. My address if you want to send more postcards I love them is 212 Van Dyke Street Bisbee, Arizona 85603 And like a Twitter like a Twitter tweet

a postcard is perfect because it's 140 characters or less. Someone sent me an actual tweet. Someone said, no. Oh, yeah, I didn't answer this one. All right, we'll keep that. I'll put that up here for later. Why? Because I've got to think about it again.

Okay. I don't fucking prepare for this shit. Doug and crew. Oh. Doug and crew. Oh, Doug and crew. Maybe Derek can work on this since you're a crew. It's a very suggestive. Hold on. The postcard itself is very suggestive.

Yeah, it's a baby on titties. Hey, Doug and crew, you're a man who enjoys vocabulary. If you were tasked with creating a new word, what would it be and how would it be defined? Love you guys. Keep podcasting. I'll give that to Derek. If you have an answer by the end of the podcast,

we'll read it. Doug. Go ahead. I don't want to take it. What was the name? People like to hear their names. Danny. Danny.

Or Donnie. He wrote and they went over it. I have to tell you, while you were holding this, I know, I kept twisting it for you. It's lenticular printing, which is that thing where... Word of the day. When you move around it, it changes the image. So when we're looking at it, you're holding it straight. It's a chick laying on her back with her tits out. And I'm like, that's it.

And I said, that's a very suggestive pose on the postcard. And then you said, yeah, it's a baby on breasts. We didn't see that until you moved. Well, we didn't see it. I just saw it after that when both Chad and I looked at it. It was like, what the fuck is that? It's a baby on top of it. Anyway, it was a little jarring.

It was all tits until after that. See? Now we're like Opie and Anthony, where they sit and watch TV and describe it to you, or don't. All right. Well, I got fucking more viewer mail. Jason and the Krugers. How many fucking albums

do you have? Because you sent me like 10,000 of these fucking things. I don't know if I like them or not. But All right. Don't use my name. I'm cutting to the end on you.

J. Special J. I sent cutting to the end on you. J-E-W-E-R, special J. All right, he sent me a bunch of shit, including a $50 bill. So you know what? That $50 bill is going into the initial, the first Chad Shank fund installment. Because you all want Chad Shank out here, but he's going to drive a long fucking way. He's living on fucking some kind of military disability he's beating change out of homeless people i don't know what he does but yes that goes directly to the chad shank please be on the podcast fund that was the first

installment thank you for that and the other shit why did you send fucking tulip glasses, like the fine-stepped glasses wrapped in newspaper, you stupid fuck? How did I just get $50 in cash from a dude, and then I call him a stupid fuck for sending glasses we'd never drink out of anyway, and one of them broke? Yeah, it's unfortunate because we do like having pairs. Because I'm segueing into a viewer mail from people I hate. I didn't even fucking print them off this time. You know them by heart?

Well, there's two guys that have emailed me from the dates we're doing in Europe. Both wanting to... The seating arrangement shit. One guy, well, I bought two tickets, and then my dumb friend is going to bring his wife. So it's assigned seating. And can you move her? These are my tickets. Get your ticket numbers.

Seat numbers, yeah. It's assigned seating. And then another guy saying, oh, they say there's no shitty seats in Dublin. You make me not want to even read emails anymore. Not only have I fucking forgone Facebook, but I just tweets. No, not your emails even. You just depress me and make me mad in the morning.

I was going to be mad at someone anyway. Just let's be honest. But yeah, they say there's no shitty seats at the Vicar, I think it's called, in Dublin where we're playing. Yeah. Well, I know for a fact there are because I went there to see a show and there's six seats that suck. I'm trying to remember this.

But he didn't even get those seats. He just wants me to get him because there's no assigned seating or something. He wants me to arrange him seats that aren't the six seats that suck at that theater. The six toilet stalls. I have no, I like, and then the fucking another guy.

Hey, he, he loves the podcast. Thank you for loving the podcast guy that I did not write back a snarky fucking email to because I wanted to save my hatred for the podcast guy that i did not write back a snarky fucking email to because i wanted to save my hatred for the podcast during a drink break uh he said uh yeah and because of you i i i'm fascinated with the mattoid and i want to do a documentary from what i know he's moved back to finland and i want to follow him from his whole journey to from finland to the u.s and back

to finland and And do you have any contact information for the guy? If you fucking Google the Matoid, the second thing that comes up is the Matoid's Facebook page where you can contact the dude directly. But he didn't even just put in Matoid.

Not the Matoid, just Matoid. The first thing is the description of what Matoid means, a fucking crazy person.. The first thing is the description of what Mattoid means, a fucking crazy person. And the second thing is his fucking contact address. So I stopped myself from writing you back saying, yeah, here's his Facebook link. Anything else I can Google for you while I'm up?

But I go, I'll just save that hate for the podcast. It'll gear me up for part two. I was twitching during that. Yeah, it's kind of. That's real. No, that's real. I get it. No, it's wonky anyway.

It's my drinking eye. That's my drinking eye. I can tell how drunk I was in pictures by how low this was. If your hand's over it. Yeah, I do the hand over it quite a bit. If you see that picture. If you have that picture of you and I after a show you were annoying me we'll be right back after we get our shit together

hey do you hobos like luxurious bedsheets? Why are you fucking complaining about my ticket prices, but not complaining about all the fucking comics who are worse than me that charge more? You fucking assholes. Luxurious bedsheets. Yeah, we just got threatened with luxurious bedsheets as a sponsor, and I'm going to do it because you know what I like? Luxurious bedsheets off of backs, paying too much for tickets. We'll be right back.

Good. Wow, you know how to do a short check. Joby's the fucking master. I didn't even know what that was. Joby co-hosting this podcast, as always, with a beautiful spread of hot dogs and nacho cheese. All American? Yep. It's American. Becker and I talked about doing that in Costa Rica.

He's opening the Ugly American Cafe. Perfect. And it's just all the most horrible staples of American diet. It's fucking beans and weenies. Plastic cheese. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Fluffin' nutters.

Beef-a-roni. Any chef boyardee. Spam. With a corkage fee, you can bring your own shit from a 7-Eleven at home and we'll prepare it for you in a microwave. Sauteed Slim Jims.

Craft macaroni and cheese. You're proud of the fact that there's no grill. There's not even a gas link. It's just a microwave. Giant microwave. Unclean. Filthy. Joby is here with us.

Yes. Yeah, the captain of the death pool. Hey, get in the fucking death pool, because it's kind of competitive this year. Every time that I see tweets from death pool people, I'm always like, oh, yeah, fuck yeah. All right. One of you. Someone's into this, too. Just get five friends that are sick fucks.

It's getting good right now. Yeah, it's been a great year so far. Jockeying for position lately. Obviously, I have more sick fuck friends than you probably do, but you give five. All right, we're going to do the secret. No one can know or we'll get fired. I'll never be a congressman if they find out I played death pool.

Kenny Stabler just died yesterday, and that killed me because that was my favorite team. And I research all those guys every year. That was my favorite team ever in football was those guys every year that was my favorite team football was the 76 Oakland Raiders that whole era Fred Bolitnikoff the my favorite player of all time number 25 had stringy hair was so covered in stick them all the time that you just throw the ball at him and it was like a fly strip and you just slap onto him. I think he caught a pass between his shoulder blades once.

That might be untrue, but I just made that up. Gene Upshaw, Art Schell, John Matusak. Lyle Alzado. Yeah, he's dead. I didn't look him up. It would be nice to have someone. All those guys should be dead uh yeah that was uh

the guy that's always on those nfl films is uh phil not yeah phil villapiano who just brags about how bad the raiders cheated back then this is before gang members took the fucking raiders over and then i go fuck you you know i i'd love to root for the Raiders, especially now that they suck. But you know what? Fucking gangbangers took them over. Donald Trump hates the Raiders for the same reason. It's terrible. You go to Vegas in the sports book, and every Raiders fan is trying to start a fight with someone who's cheering for the other team.

You're in a fucking Vegas sports book, you cunt. cheering for the other team. You're in a fucking Vegas sports book, you cunt. Joby is a fucking death pool. Just went sour on him because he's going to move to Oklahoma. I got to run it out of Oklahoma at least or ship merch out of Oklahoma, which is even worse. Yeah, Joby said, have we even brought up your sister on a previous podcast?

Yeah, a previous one. When she was in the coma. Well, she was still alive. Yeah. Yeah. And then he was going over to move there to help out. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not moving there to help my brother-in-law raise my niece and

nephew, which by the way, you guys fucking, I finally found a group of people where I felt like I fit in. And then you're taking fucking feel good trips to your niche to fucking see Johnny Depp in Australia, and Joby's going to take care of his fucking dead sister's children. I feel like I sat down with a fucking horror book,

and I fucking turned into chicken soup for the soul, you fucking fags. Yeah, man. I just wanted to tell you that. I almost thought about starting this podcast with having you tell the short version of your story about horrible home life situations that you can't talk about and Joby talking about his sister dying

and then just go right back, step over you, and then recap my trip to see Johnny Depp. Anyway. Your shit's trivial. Oh, that sounds tough tough You know what's tough Is a long flight To Australia 14 hours

Did you see the picture Of my view I missed it The picture of his view Of your view From the Yeah Yeah

It was almost obscured By my cigarette In front of my eye Because I leaned up To smoke Like a champion So Joby Your sister I leaned up to smoke like a champion. So, Joby, your sister was in a coma for like a fucking month, right? Actually, no.

She was just under for about a week and a half and then came out of it. So, she was lucid towards the end. Oh, I didn't know that. See, I haven't heard any of this. Yeah. But we won't get into details. Exactly. But it was fucking horrible alcoholic death.

details exactly but it was fucking a horrible alcoholic death is what i i my only point in saying that it was horrific is because all the people we've drugged down a horrible path with our chronic drinking problems there is a fucking terrible outcome that could happen you won't hear about it, but it gets worse. You could wind up in Oklahoma. The most effective PSA I've ever heard. Yeah, down Garth Brooks Drive. Garth Brooks was from

Yukon, Oklahoma, where I'm moving to. Do you have any idea how long? She has two kids, like six and eight? Five and eight, yeah. Bart and Lisa age? Basically, yeah. So you're going to go be stay-at-home mom?

Kind of, yeah. Yeah, that'll be it. Dad works. Mr. Mom kind of thing, yeah. And you have no idea how long this is going to last? I have no idea. I'm walking into this blind. I kind of thing. And you have no idea how long this is going to last? I have no idea. I'm walking into this blind. I have no idea. So I'm going to

have fun with it because I'm going to fuck those kids up. Wait a minute. You're taking care of her kids, but there's no dad. Yeah, yeah. Donnie's got to work. He's got to work and stuff. He's not going to work. He's done with that. Yeah, I just quit yesterday. Run on. I'm all for that. Yeah, I just quit yesterday. So literally.

Run on. Cheers. Come on for that. Yeah, I'm unemployed for the first time in a long time. Come on. Yeah, so stay at home at least for a little while. You're kind of a country boy anyway, so you can fit in. You have a great way to chameleon a situation like that. Acclimate.

Not with my sombrero. You'll try to stand out. It's not like you're a complete fish out of water. But it's the Bible Belt. That place is crazy. They are gay for God. They are

just nuts. There's always an underlying current of people that will clue in on who you are. He told me when he went to an Oklahoma Thunder game when he was out visiting that they have a preacher come out and do a mass prayer before the basketball game. Center court, dim lights, people are getting down on one knee kind of thing. It's creepy.

And you still root for them. I root against them on purpose just from that story. Because again, it's important to have favorites in basketball and it's important to have enemies in sports. And they're my enemy now just because you told me that. And you still root for them. Before your sister died. So it's not like

I just remember my sister. No, I don't give a shit about basketball anyway. I think it's a stupid sport. The Mayans played it. They went extinct. So do the math. So no, I don't give a shit about basketball anyway. I think it's a stupid sport. The Mayans played it. They went extinct, so do the math. So, no, I don't care about it, but the Thunder was the only one I actually went and saw. It was my first NBA game. So, okay, I guess. See, almost every game I've ever seen in any professional sport, I was rooting for the visiting team.

So I was the douche. And not on purpose. It just happened to be. I think the Cardinals was the only home game where I was the douche. And not on purpose. It just happened to be. Cardinals was the only home game where I was cheering for them, and we were outnumbered because it was in December against the Vikings and there's more fucking snowbirds in Arizona that are rooting for snowy

teams than care about the fucking Arizona Cardinals, who were ranked 30th in the top uniforms in ESPN's top uniforms poll. Oh, a strong 30, huh? Yeah, a strong 30. Jacksonville's still the worst.

Anyway, sorry, did I deflect from your system? That's a thing, all right. Top uniforms is a thing? Yeah, yeah. With Doug it is. No, I mean with ESPN. I don't know. Yeah, they put it out because there's no football to watch except for CFL, and there's no queers playing, so I'm against it.

What? There aren't. Yeah. Not high-profile ones anyway. It's just closeted queers, and who wants to watch them play? Yeah, well, that's the same thing. Well, us queers do. We like straight men and turning them.

That's what us LGBT people enjoy doing is turning a straight. He keeps looking at me. No, it's eye contact all the way. I have to affirm that we're gay. We know we're gay. Everyone on tour knows we're gay. Everyone on this podcast is gay.

We have a gay audience. Listen, if we're going to bring this out right now, I'm going to tell you right now, we know we're audience. Listen, if we're going to bring this out right now, I'm going to tell you right now, we know we're gay. Doug Stan hopes We're Wicked Gay podcasts bottoming Greg Chaley. I was going to say starring. Actually,

to you, it is. I can't wait to both find that girl again. Give her enemas and lay on the horn in the cul-de-sac. Oh, man. Give her enemas and lay on the horn in the cul-de-sac. Oh, man. All right. Joby, I'm sorry.

Joby, no. That was entertaining. So, yes, you can die a violent death from alcohol. So don't do that. Pace yourself. I guess that's the moral of this story. Maybe. Or do that. Pace yourself. I guess that's the moral of this story. Maybe. Or do that.

Well, no, it was extenuating factors, you know, but yeah, it was liver disease, basically. Liver disease. Yeah. Like Mickey Mantle. Yeah, right? Chaley has a list of people who've died from alcoholism. Right there. Yeah, I see it.

When you said that it was, and for you, you've cleaned your friend's brains off of fucking walls. Several. Yeah, from suicides. Several walls or several people. Several friends and several walls. Joby and I were playing poker. They had a poker room here for a while, bucking the system. Let's see how long this can last kind of thing.

And he was winning at the table and had to pick up his phone, drop it, and leave. Cash out my chips for me. I have to go to Phoenix to – Yeah, basically do a cleanup. My best friend I'd known since we were 18 months old, you know, grew up together. You knew him at 18 months? Yeah. Yeah, our friends were – our parents were best friends kind of thing.

All right. And I grew up together and, yeah, and he ended up, you know, 357 to the head. months? Yeah, our friends were our parents were best friends kind of thing and I grew up together and yeah, and he ended up 357 to the head and did the cleanup the next day. Well, I got there in the morning. Which is a very interesting thing. Just as a side

note, and Joby, you can attest to this, is that when something like that happens, and that happened here, we're facing ice every night. Yeah, I did that cleanup. Yeah, you and Chad did that. Joby that happens, and that happened here, where Tracy and I sleep every night. Yeah, I did that cleanup. Yeah, you and Chad did that. Joby was foreman on that cleanup because he had the most experience. Excuse me, who's the project manager here?

We need to know which way to take the mattress. See, Chad. There is no, like, the city comes out, the police come out. I mean, there's things that are done professionally. But then there is an amount of blood. There is whatever else is happening. And that's incumbent on the homeowner to figure it out. Right, they have to hire someone out to do it.

And there are companies that do it. But then, wait a minute. You have to pay. Not here. Yeah. I remember Insomniac, Attell went out with people who clean up murder scenes, crime scenes, but you don't have that in Bisbee.

No. You got, you guys. Joby and I were the first ones you guys called. Yeah. Yep. And yeah. And it's,

it's not like in the movies where someone shoots or, you know their brains out and it's a splatter of blood on the wall. Never happens. Yeah. It's all matter and then they fall and bleed out. Yeah. So there's not like a big spray of blood. It's just shit on the wall. Yeah.

And someone has to still come and clean that up. And when we were doing this one, it's like, yeah, it's a – Black knob here where I live. Yeah, where you live now. Yeah, Joby was an expert. He knew to get the blood that was coughed up to the ceiling. He was a ceiling fan. He wasn't even a smoker.

I do remember all the spots where there was clump cleaning. Then I said, all right, now we have to clean the whole wall because we don't want the family coming in seeing spots on the wall that are clean. We have to clean everything. And I go, yeah, all right. He's a pro. And then we just left the bullet hole. So there's some good and some bad.

Hey, we don't spackle. That's another guy. I'm not going to step in his territory. I don't want to get in trouble with the union steward. He's Aryan National. Come after me. We're going to clean up, but let's not deny what actually happened. Yeah, and then trying

to find the painting to cover the bullet hole. Standing there, you've got to put a painting or something over the bullet hole. It's a painting about hip size, not really centered on the floor. The top of the painting is two and a half feet up off the floor.

That's an odd choice. Two thirds of the way towards the window. The door is hitting this painting. We can't even get out the door. My point was that Joby's been through some shit and he always takes it so gracefully even when your sister was in the coma when we talked about it like yeah

shit happens was it alcohol put her in the coma uh well several things it's a bunch of different factors but you know yeah she did you know drink quite a bit and it was liver failure and Yeah, she did drink quite a bit, and it was liver failure. She was told not to. So I'll tell you, don't drink after they say not to. Or just don't ever go to the doctor and let them say not to. Exactly. That's my plan.

Because of this, I've looked up symptoms of liver failure. And I'm not yellow. I don't have much pigment at all but uh are you talking about jaundice except for your shirt but in st louis you were diagnosed on the merch table and he said i've been kind of diagnosed by uh my uh mother's secret doctor in uh fort lauderdale went yeah went, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you probably got something. And then my Marine Corps doctor, when I went down, I was going to get those surgeries for my hernias.

He's like, your liver is fine. This is fine. I don't trust him as much, but he did say the words, and that was the comfort food that I needed. That's a Hedberg joke. Do you know anyone who has AIDS? No. Okay, cool. Because you know me.

You know me. Chaley almost forgot the punchline. We all remembered it. In this group. But the point is, Joby, after being through that, said it was the most gruesome thing for me to say that.

So yeah, there's evidently a fucking gruesome way to die that we won't get into, but we've been looking it up on the internet because I didn't want to hear it from you. You said you didn't want to talk about it on the podcast. Yeah, I'll tell you in person. Yeah, yeah, and then we'll fucking repeat it on the next podcast

while you're already in Oklahoma. They don't even have a podcast in there. Well, and I don't want to overstep any bounds here, but when I was researching this, and very superficially. What did you search? I went with liver failure first. Oh, alcoholic deaths. Oh, gosh.

Shit, I didn't. There was a really weird website where every time I did a Google search, the number one link, three times in a row, went to this blog site or this fucking forum. Right? And it did talk about – You bought the alcohol, so you could probably go to jail for just going to that website. Just kidding. Go ahead. The thing that I kept coming upon were very graphic photos, which I'm not very comfortable with,

but in the name of research for this podcast, it was the feces mixed with blood that they... Don't even look at Joby during this. No, I'm just... No leading the witness, Your Honor. Objection! Fog away right now. You were so far gone in alcoholism

That you end up Hemorrhaging internally To where it starts coming out of your ass And that's how These are the crime scenes These are the scenes that I saw Let's cut it off right here We'll bring it up on another podcast

When Joby's not here He's gonna go to Oklahoma He's doing the fucking lord's work man Let's cut it off right here. We'll bring it up on another podcast when Joby's not here. He's got to go to Oklahoma. Do you think fucking things aren't bad enough? He's doing the fucking Lord's work, man. That's fucking awesome. He has to. It's his nature. The Lord's work.

No. When does Joby not do the right thing in every situation? He is the gallant to my goofus. He's the guy that always does the right thing, handles everything. He's the cleaner. He's the wolf from Pulp Fiction. Fair enough.

He's unfairly handsome compared to everybody else. If everybody doesn't know that already by listening to this podcast. But he can't land a straight lady. He's always with these roustabout ladies.

Yeah, my last girlfriend was a radical feminist lesbian with a juggalo tattoo. I can't do any... Oh, you want to talk about ex-girlfriends? Yeah. Well, that was a good one. That was nothing. That was where I was pretty sure I wasn't going to go to jail.

Not to one-up you. I think that's awesome. You know what? That is interesting because I had a situation in my family where I went home and took care of my dad for a while. And it was one of those things where you don't know what you'll do and when you'll do it. But when something comes up, you just rise to the occasion. I think it's awesome. Yeah, and I ended up quitting my job yesterday to do it,

which I'm so happy for. I've been wanting to quit that job. I've been working there for almost eight years, and I've been wanting to quit it for almost eight years. And you don't hate kids where you're going? Right. You're off Cochise Row. Yeah, that's a plus.

That almost sounds like Death Row the way I just said it. You're off Cochise Row, man. It'll take 10 years to get out of here. Everyone, as you leave for Oklahoma, they're all going to be banging cups on the bars over their windows where you live on Cochise Row. You'll be back, Joby. You'll be back, Joby!

You'll be back! No one ever leaves. Oh, Jesus. So we're in hospice and... Hang on, let me set this up. Let's start over. Yeah, well, you have a Bible that has a backstory that I immediately shut up your story to say, listen, we can eBay this Bible

for your charity. Right. So, now go back to the story. Okay, so we're in hospice and Amy's dying. Who's Amy? Amy is my sister. Yeah, not Bingo Bingaman. Yeah, right. Or Whiskey Girl.

Exactly, yeah. I don't know what it is with Amy. Or any other Amy except Amy. Yeah, the other Amy's out there, you're safe. You, yeah. I don't know what it is with Amy. Or any other Amy except Amy. Yeah, the other Amy's out there, you're safe. You're okay. We're just fucking with you. Yeah, we're just kidding. So, you know, in hospice, she's circling the drain, and, you know, we're all crying. And I get kind of bored, and, you know, so I do the normal thing and start looking through cabinets and shit like that.

You know, just rummaging through. In the room? Yeah, in the hospice room. What's in here? What's in there? Oh, wait. Hold on a second. My sister's dying.

I always try to steal shit from the hotel. Soap. She's not going to need this toothpaste. Exactly. There's like three more squeezes in here. So you're a hospice. You're off site of a hospital? Yeah, that day.

Hospice is a great fucking... End of life. End of life facility. Hi, my name's Greg Chaley. They call me Make a Short Story Long. I love hospice. That's a long nickname. Hang on.

That's a lot of quotes. Let Joby tell us about the backstory of this Bible so he can sell it. So he's in hospice. That's a long nickname. That's a lot of quotes. Let Joby tell us about the backstory of this Bible so he can sell it. So he's in hospice, which is away from the hospital. Right. And we're sitting in the room, we're crying and whatnot, rummaging shit, and I find in the bedside cabinet,

the Bible. And so I open it up, I grab the Bible, and throw it in my backpack good job all right and i know the history of you know yeah you guys stole the bibles stealing bibles and my mom's crying in the corner and and she stops for a sec she looks at me she said what are you doing i said it's a thing it's just it would take too long it's just something we do you know like we steal Bibles and whatnot. And,

and she's still crying and she stops crying for a sec. She says, you know that if you just ask them, they'll give you a bunch. Are you fucking kidding me? No, it's a fucking rule. You have to steal it.

She says, I can look down at hospice in a minute. Well, and we'll get so many Bibles. She says, yeah, they'll give you a bunch if you just ask and then she looks at me she says it's hospice

they'll give you it for free just one's fine mom I'm okay with that you know but I brought this Bible back for you good sir well we will save this clip and one day when I do my next eBay yard sale, we will include this clip of the Joby's sister's dead stolen Bible

that will go for a remarkably high price. So we'll get you three to sign it with all that in there. Honestly, people always email me through the store, the Stanhope store, trying to find out how to get Bibles. And I have a shit ton of Bibles over there. We don't sell them. We don't sell them. This would be exclusive. After shows.

This is a little special one. By the way, no fucking complaints at the merch booth at $45 Bibles. So guess what? You sold them for $70. I've sold them for $70. But in Canada, there was no complaints

at the $45 price. Which means we raised the price. Raised the price. Price is going up on stolen Bibles. Holy shit. Fucking people have to die. His sister died for this Bible. How much would you pay to have your sister alive?

Fuck you for thinking you could get a dead Bible for fucking less than $45? Fuck you. No, this Bible is going for at least $300. I'm going to put a fucking minimum. All right. Put a minimum. We're drunk. It'll go up as we drink.

All right. Well, I think that's about a podcast, and we'll be back. Oh, if this airs, I've got to fucking drop some dates on you. As this airs, because I just called Hennegan, is there anything I don't know about? Well, on Monday, when this is going to air, yes. We're going to do Denmark is coming up. We have extra dates.

We added second dates in Glasgow, London, and Manchester. So if you're one of the people that's going to the wrong page going, oh, it's sold out, check the second night. But Denmark will be announced as you're hearing this or already has. Amsterdam we're working on. Brian Hennigan said to say on an upcoming appearance, he'll be on the podcast to talk about how everyone in theater in Cardiff is a cunt. You should say it like Hennigan. Ooh, everyone in Cardiff is a cunt!

I've been trying to book their fucking whales and their fucking cunts! So yeah, we got Oslo, Dublin, Bath. Go to the... DougStanhope.com has the sites. Working on Amsterdam. We're working on Belgium, evidently. I don't know how fucking long I'm going to be gone, but...

Right now it's the whole month of October. Well, maybe it'll be good to be gone if I've murdered somebody. Just kidding! And we now feature on DougSandoff.com in the store section. We have got Jeff Tate CDs available. Oh, yeah. Fucking Jeff Tate.

I haven't even listened to it. I don't remember a lick of that episode other than... Because I did it right on the heels of the fucking return from Australia after doing the Sydney podcast with my niece. And then went into that one because we only had limited time. And I knew he just kept talking, so I didn't have to. It's good. But I get a lot of feedback.

Jeff Tate is so fucking funny. And he's killing it on Doug Loves Movies. He just won another one in Comic Con in San Diego. If you can watch that, go to that show live. It's fucking so good. Jeff Tate with a G-E-O-F-F. Yeah, we'll put the link. And then also, we've got,

I just got sent back to me the t-shirts that we didn't sell in Canada, and those will be available right now on our website. For a cutthroat price, I hope. Well, if you're a large, you're probably fucking out of luck. But double XLs, where are my double XLs at? Where are my double XLs

in the house? Chad Shank. Tons of those. Chad Shank in the house, quack quack. Yeah, remind me to give you some Deadpool t-shirts before I leave. Shucky Duck reference. Oh yeah, and Bobby Christina is in hospice, so she's circling the drain. So play Death Pool. Death Pool.

DSCDP.com and Stanhope CDP on Twitter. And JT Everset and Carlos Valencia are talking shit on Twitter. They are. And I got Roy Marble is fucking in intensive care. He's a basketball player. Basketball intensive care. He's a basketball player. Basketball player. JT was a basketball player. 48.

48 solo. JT just got Omar Shafir. Sharif. Sharif. Yeah, sir. That's Ari Shafir. Omar Shafir. Ari Shafir is not dead.

He's not dead. To clarify. Wait. Ari Shafir died? I read that on Twitter. Ari Shafir died? I read that on Twitter. Ari Shafir is dead at 83. Please tweet that. At Ari Shafir.

At Ari Shafir. He's dead at 83 with a link to Omar Sharia. Please do that. That'll make his day. Yeah. That'll make his day. Especially because it'll be five days after the fact. And I'll be wondering why everyone's just tweeting.

Don't add anything to it. Just tweet RIP with a link to Omar Sharif's site. Alright, anything else? Oh wait, the end of the plug? Oh, there's shit for sale on the site. Go to the site.

I already said it. Jeff Tate and the new Canadian t-shirts from the last tour. Alright, there's shit for sale on the site. Go to the site. I already said it. All right. All right, good. Jeff Tate and the new Canadian t-shirts from the last tour. All right. Everything that I didn't read from the mail, I'll read on the next podcast. Thank you guys very much for listening. And maybe soon we'll be selling bed sheets. Joby, what's the outro music for your sister?

This is Rearranging Deck Chairs on the Titanic by Roger Klein or the Refreshments back in the day. Another day, another day. Well, how much worse can it get? A whole lot worse. It's safe

to bet. Can you see the light? Not yet. Didn't feel much better cause that registered letter got to the old lady and it really upset her. She said that I'm a criminal debtor.

I know, I know, I know, I know. Rearranging Neck chairs on The Titanic It doesn't matter What I do She's gonna keep On sinking Rearranging

Neck chairs On the Titanic I realize now My time was better spent drinking ¶¶ The lipstick on my collar Really made her holler And I'm down to my last dollar And I'm out of cigarettes Well, the thing that seems so funny

I'm completely out of money But the skies, they still seem sunny And I've got me no regrets I've been rearranging neck chairs on the Titanic It doesn't matter what I do she's gonna keep

on sinking Rearranging neck chairs on the Titanic I realize now Rearranging neck chairs on the Titanic. I realize now my time's better spent drinking. Rearranging neck chairs on the Titanic. It doesn't matter what I do.

She's going to keep on sinking. Rearranging neck chairs on the Titanic. I realize now my time was better spent drinking. Better spent drinking. Better spent drinking. Better spent drinking. Rearranging neck chairs on the Titanic.