The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #18: Comedian Henry Phillips and Embarrassing Stories

Episode Date: February 1, 2014

Doug gets Henry Phillips to tell some of his most embarrassing stories. This episode also includes Lynn Shawcroft (mostly in the background), local San Diego comic James Schrader, and Greg Chaille. This episode sponsored by Henry Philips' movie, "PUNCHING THE CLOWN". Available now on Netflix.Recorded Jan 23, 2014 in the green room of the American Comedy Company in San Diego, CA with Doug Stanhope, Henry Phillips, Lynn Shawcroft, local San Diego comic James Schrader and Greg Chaille. Engineered and Produced by Greg Chaille. @gregchaille.  Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la Likes about you in the end. La, la, la. Feeling a little heart attack-y. What's that? A little heart attack-y. Oh, Tracy, yeah. Yeah. What'd you... Nothing, nothing.

Yeah. You spilled shit? Get in your sack, Lynn. Oh, no. That's what I yell at Bingo when she's fucking things up. Get in your sack. Can you help me do this? Oh, don't put that on.

That's a... Fuck! Get in your sack. You fucking belong in a sack. Like, she belongs in a sack because everything she touches, she fucks it up. Yes. Have you ever met anybody that's been in a sack. Like she belongs in a sack because everything she touches, she fucks it up. Yes. Len, you gotta get on a microphone if you're gonna talk. No.

Okay, yeah, no. Chaley always starts recording before he tells you he's recording. There's a mic here. Yeah, I know. Who do you want on? We're on. If you have something to chime in, there's a microphone there. You can sit over here. But you I always when Lynn Shawcroft says, can't we just go home and you're about to start a podcast is probably not the time to invite Lynn to a microphone.

not the time to invite Lynn to a microphone because she's captain off topic in the middle of your sentence right at the crescendo of your story we're here in the green room of the American Comedy Club not to be confused with any other country as we come into the

World Cup this is the American motherfucking comedy company in San Diego California where the owner is really cheese bagged at me right now but uh and I really was hoping he'd come in here and talk to me because that guy if there is a manic depressive or bipolar in business that guy is i'm your biggest fan and then he like told my manager you're a cancer on the fucking comedy business and then he loves you and he hates you and i like but again i'm used to dealing with that so from a business angle i'm not don't look at bingo i'm saying from a lot of people yeah you deal with

a lot of fucked up people in our lives so just because that's a fucking club owner i don't give a shit come in here and fucking yell at me and be weird i don't care i don't it's a you this is i'm sitting here with uh greg chaley lynn shawcroft bingo couple of laura kimball's friends we might talk about her yeah yeah We might talk about her. Yeah, we will talk about her. She was supposed to be here. Fucking sweetheart. Maybe we'll save that for another podcast.

Henry Phillips. Hey. And Schrader. James Schrader. I only remembered your name because he was a shitty quarterback for the Redskins. I only remembered your name because he was a shitty quarterback for the Redskins. Have you always been able to have people be furious at you?

I'm being serious. If someone at right age says, put it back, I'm like, oh, and I go home and cry. But how do you just be like, who a shit how did that happen because I've been drinking and I'll wake up in the morning going oh fuck I should apologize we had a woman at our house that came over I always put up hey send shit to

bingo because bingo doesn't remember that I have twitter followers and facebook followers that will just, hey, steal shit from work and send it to bingo at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. And I'll put that on fucking Facebook. And she was gone for a week visiting friends and came back. And there were stacks of boxes.

It was fucking ridiculous. The last one was you were there. Amazing. Like in the movie Big. You know how they make everything bigger? It was like bigger than that. And they're still coming. What was my point?

You were talking about James Schrader. Schrader. Like a new comic dealer. As opposed to you facing this all the time. No, no, no. How did that get into the fucking bingo boxes? Lynn specifically said, because if somebody says put that back, then I go home.

How do you deal with it? How did you ever? It's a dream. It's almost like win the lottery, not give a shit when people are mad at you. It's amazing. That's what I was going for, is when I put that up the last time, a woman from Bisbee came over.

At the end of football, we've been drinking all fucking playoffs Sunday. Can I interject? No. You cooked food. No. Late at night, after the fucking football, this woman came to the house and she's walking through and she trips in my driveway. She's splayed out.

I'm shit faced after fucking cooking all day and then drinking all during football. And there's some weird woman I don't know is splayed out my driveway and everyone's tending to her. And I thought she was a midget. I thought, I go, there's a weird midget because she was on her knees, but her dress was splayed out. So I'm like, there's a bleeding midget in my driveway. And she was only there to drop off some crayons, some sidewalk crayons for bingo because she had seen the thing and i'm going are you a midget and she goes that's not funny and she showed me her scraped elbow just like you have and i'm like and i'm like you don't show up at my house and the

first words out of your mouth that you're not funny. I had the stares of you're not funny from this fucking crowd in San Diego all goddamn night. I go home to get away from, you don't just yell at me, you're not funny. You can say it later. And I said, take me away before I snap because I'm drinking and there's a bleeding midget screaming, you're not funny.

Didn't you say to your friends, for real, get me away from this because it'll be bad? Yes, I did. Kelly for real get me away from this because it'll be bad yes i did kelly and brad took me away but but like like you know you like i think you know if you have argue with this guy there's another cloud but i i would i want to what what do you what can i do more water like to not to like not care if people are mad at me. Okay, before you make this all choppy to start out with. What do you mean choppy?

Well, you're getting like I will get at the end. Point is, yes, I understand he's angry but right now I'm right off a stage and I'm full of vitriol and all the bullshit and I'd rather just address it because you can make it funny in the morning like I won't give a

fuck because we have a history of that guy like being fucking hating you and loving you but it's so split second it's madness but you're right like why not love the madness anyway Greg Chaley, James Schrader

how was your show? I missed your show. It was a fun five minutes. It's great. James Schrader's a local here in San Diego, and we don't know you, so while the... Do we even get into the fucking him being pissed off thing? Let's make it about Laura Kimball.

I don't know. Yeah, but Laura's, you're not able to talk to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright. Why don't you just talk about the show? Why didn't you come back? Because I already asked his partner. He won't come back. Well, I don't think he wants to be recorded.

Right. It's a fucking minutia. It won't be a good podcast. Yeah, the owner's pissed off about something I said about fucking something they yeah it's like it's so fucking pointless if I explained it see now people go

well I want to hear it what was it no if you heard it you'd go that why would you go into that well that's what's going on right now Henry Phillips and I drove down here with bingo in the backseat. Yes. From wherever we were last night.

Long Beach. Told a bunch of stories. Fucking, I met one of the guys. I'm going to go somewhere that you're going to fucking catch on. Okay. Not catch on, but agree with. I got you. We played Long Beach.

Now we're doing three different nights in San Diego at different venues. Downtown, Ocean Beach, La Jolla. But fucking some guy that was at the show in Long Beach, hey, that was my first show. I'm going to be at all your shows. Then a second guy, Facebook's, I'm going to be at all of your shows they're all sold out in small venues like and what the guy that Facebooked me I said all the shows are going to be the fucking same nothing deflates me harder going into what's going to be fun it's

fucking three nights we're staying in Ocean Beach we We're in the same place. We cab to the fucking... Nothing deflates me more than someone saying, I'm coming to multiple shows. With a rare exception, I won't work fucking four nights at the Improv in Irvine because there'll be... Two shows a night sometimes. People think that I'm just thinking this shit up. Even though I have fucking notes On stage

Yeah I'm thinking it up off of fucking notes You're gonna come every night And watch me fumble Well you know what I don't get is Okay go to all the shows Why tell you You know Why don't you just do it

Yeah just fucking do it Don't tell me Yeah I'd be fine Yeah Well don't they Don't you think like from their perspective It's like

I am such a fan I'm gonna see you Every opportunity I can While you're in San Diego So it's a fan mail Basically Kind of yeah

It's a fan letter It's gotta be Is it flattering But isn't But isn't there a little bit of it No it's not flattering In any way Like if I needed

Isn't there a little bit of it That's let's hang out to Hoping Would that That was the one guy. They're like, oh, I'm coming to all your shows and I have something for you. And now hopefully we can hang out. It's a show, God damn it. I do hang out occasionally, but it's not because you emailed me.

Oh, there's a guy that will hang out. I know this sounds fucking cunty but you know I don't come here to hang out I come here to hang out with my friends I never see because I'm in Southern California and my best friends I never see and I don't even want to hang out with Shawcroft that was a joke

it's a joke Willis it's another Shawcroft. Just kidding. That was a joke. It's not a joke, Willis. It's another Shawcroft. You don't know it. Yeah, I mean, and I'm going to try to, I think we're both dancing around trying to sound like

dicks or something like that, but I do think it's interesting because I'm a fan of a lot of things, a lot of mostly music stuff. I don't, like, you know, email the people or tweet at them hey man i'm

gonna be at the show like i don't expect that kind of a a friendship to be i'm just gonna go to the concert and enjoy it and then leave you know i don't know i sound like a dick when i say that but but that's what it's supposed to be that's what it's always out with people randomly. And some of my best friends that I have today I've met on the road. But it wasn't because I planned to hang out with everyone that emailed me. That just happens. But the guy that hangs out, we've talked about this. Last night we had this situation where a guy tried to come in because he bought a beer for Henry. And they kind of knew each other.

Yeah. And then it turned into a thing where he thought he should have free access to Doug's green room. Yeah, which is not my call even if that's not my call. Yeah. And the green room last night was – Broom closet. Yeah, it was five foot by eight foot, and there were nine people in there. Most of it was furniture, too.

I even hated the fucking girls for being in there, not the comics. They're like, if you're not on the fucking show, don't be in the green room. If you're in the green room, I want to hear the show. Don't fucking talk in the green room. You're in the green room to study your shit i fucking have to put my goddamn ear against the wall this is why i hate having fucking friends on the bill because i want to hear you i yeah i like i can't wait to hear both of you and you're fucking both talking everywhere you go the green room comic sync

is the place to fucking chat no that's where i think and listen think and fucking listen it makes me crazy and i never say anything i silently seethe and i hope you eat shit on stage because you're talking during the other guy's fucking set i was trying to hear well there's a lot of vengeance in me right now. I'm expelling it. You know me. I get angry for a minute. Bingo lives with me. I scream for like 30 seconds and I go, I'm good now.

When's the maddest you've ever been? Do you hold grudges? That was Henry. We were going to have questions and answers after the you asking me? Wait can I make you tell that story I don't feel like you've ever told it

I've been thinking about it all day Because it's so fucking funny This story about eavesdropping On your neighbors and your old apartment building Everybody's got to hear this story We're talking about Henry's stories Henry Phillips Has the best born toto-lose stories.

They're endless. He doesn't run out of them. He doesn't have five. He recycles. He has endless. Every time you run into him, he's like, yeah, well, I did a thing in Indiana, and then I was supposed to get paid,

and I was raped by the Klan, but no one believed me. Everything goes poorly. But I had one, like, this is my early life. I was just starting open mics and I lived in this, it was a duplex that should have been a oneplex, but they made it into two places. And I was living with this girl, Pandora, was my girlfriend, real name, Pandora Trinowski.

Can't find her on Facebook. How do you not find that name on Facebook? Exactly. Can't find her anywhere on Google. Pandora Trinowski. I don't know, but even dead. That's your certificate. The announcement.

All right, find Pandora Trinowski for me. So I was 23, and I lived in this half duplex apartment-y thing, and I was cleaning up one Sunday afternoon. She was at work. I was watching football, and I'm cleaning the house, and I went into the closet

there was a they split one ranch house into two houses and in the closet i realized the walls are paper thin i can hear every fucking word that the neighbors are saying like like i'm in this same room and i'm just eavesdropping i'm sitting in the closet and the football's on in the living room so i shut the door so that doesn't bleed through and i'm sitting in the closet and the football's on in the living room so I shut the door so that doesn't bleed through and I'm sitting and it was just the most boring conversation about the dogs and the thing and I sat there forever

waiting for it to get interesting and I like fuck this and I went to leave and the inside knob of the closet door of the walk-in closet just spins. It won't open the door. So now I'm trapped in my own walk-in closet listening to the neighbors.

And I have no way to get out, I realize, other than to start banging on the neighbor's wall going, hello! Hello! And you know, they probably went and they checked their fucking front door. Someone's knocking and yelling. And then they finally came up to that wall or wherever they... I've never met them ever.

What the fuck is happening? I don't know them. I've never seen them walk in, and then they go, hello? And I went, I don't know how to introduce my problem. And I said, I just said, I locked myself in my closet. Can you come in and let me out? They go, yeah, sure, okay. And then I'm panicking.

How am I going to explain why I'm locked in my own closet? And I can't figure out any excuse. And they finally came around and they let me out. And they didn't ask any questions. I go, hey, thanks. And they go, hi, no problem. Nice to meet you. I'm Dave or whatever.

And then left. And I thought I should have just said, listen, my girlfriend gets home at 530. Don't tell her you let me out. I'll just put myself back in. But, yeah, that was a Henry Phillips type of story. Did their conversation get any better after that? I never saw him again.

I never saw him again other than... There's that little chance that it could have been like, shut up, little man. Or you could have been... You gotta try. You gotta try. Yeah, I applaud you for that because at that point, they probably figured out that they could hear you clear as a bell.

Well, yeah. Right? What? Only in the closet. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you have a buffer. On the other side wasn't in a closet.

Yeah. They're open. Yeah, that was kind of where the, it was kind of an L-shaped thing where that was at the L. Yeah, yeah. The leg. Or they could hear more than you thought, which is why you never saw them again. Fucking work up a good story there, James.

The story. I don't know why I just love embarrassing stories, but did I already tell you this one? I must have, but I got to tell you, it's probably my favorite all-time embarrassing story. It didn't happen to me. It happened to my friend. So she walked into one of these lamps places because she wanted to buy a new lamp or whatever.

Like Lamps R Us or something? Yeah, something like Lamps Plus or whatever. But she went in there, and it's really quiet, and the salesman immediately starts talking to her. Yeah, we got this, and we've got that, and we could do this, and I could check the price. And all of a sudden, she realizes while she's talking to the guy, she's got a fart.

And she's like, ah. And he's just going off and off, and she's having an uncomfortable time trying to hold it in and then at one point the guy's gives her an out he was like well i can go check the price on that and and she's like she turns around and she sees this desk like 10 feet behind her and she's like yeah check check the prices and then so he's like all right so he walks away. I'm going to try to make this so it's not visual, but it's fucking. So anyway, while he's away, she's looking at him and she can see him like looking at a computer or something. She starts walking backwards about 10 feet until she hits up against that desk.

And then she just starts farting. She's just, you know, and she's got the guy in her sights just sitting there for like 15 seconds just so anyway after about 15 seconds she hears a voice right behind her and it says says lady you got to be kidding me and she turns around and two inches away from her ass is a lady's a black lady's face who was sitting at she must not have been sitting at the desk when she turned around originally and then she comes over and she's like literally just being farted on but i i had lunch with this girl right after this happened and and i was like so what happened and she's like i don't know because i'm going she must have been putting up with it for like 15 seconds and going it's gonna end at some point and then when it finally got to that point she was just like lady you got to she just fucking exploded and then so so my friend uh when

she saw that that had happened she just i go what did you do and she goes oh i ran the fuck out i just ran out and i'm like well that's weird too because now the other guy is gonna come back and be like hey what happened to that girl it's like she came over and farted in my face for 15 seconds and she lives like right around the corner it wased in my face for 15 seconds and she lives like right around the corner. It was like on King's Road or something. So she can't even like

walk past that place anymore. It's just fucking awful. I fucking love that. And that was Bonnie McFarlane. I was not really Bonnie McFarlane. Oh man.

Why do you think you like stories like that? That was fun. Because I can do fart noises. That's what I like about it. It's all made up. It was just so easy to do that. You know, it's funny because there's a stereotype that people have a juvenile sense of humor

if they're into shitting and farting and all that stuff. But what I've always said is it's it's not just that it's also the the human interaction that happens around it i think that makes it funny i hate when people are just like just because it's a fart story you can't laugh at it i have that in a thousand notebooks Even if it's not a joke I'll ever do on stage, just to keep me in check, I never want to think that I'm fucking funnier than farts. Because farts are the only thing that have made me laugh from day one to this day, this morning.

Remember I was looking up fucking wet shit sounds like wave files on the internet. Because I was looking up wet shit sounds like wave files on the internet. I was giddy as shit. We slept like three hours last night. I woke up to you and Bingo chatterboxing and we went to breakfast like god damn it I should be asleep and then I get that

summer camp up too late giddy and I just wanted to hear a fart wet shit sound. Sometimes the hangover giddy is the funniest thing ever. But farts are the funniest thing. I can never write anything funnier than that.

It's primal. It was the first thing you laughed at. I mean babies laugh at their own farts before they understand anything else in the world. But I laughed at Howie Mandel pretending to be a baby in 1982. I don't laugh at that anymore. Farts still cutting edge.

Yeah. Do you remember we were in Vegas at the what's that place called? Tommy Rockers. It's it's the it was you were doing a gig there, but the hotel that we were staying in Orleans, the Orleans, the staying there the wagon wheel and that girl Celine from Texas was there with us a long time ago oh wow vintage yeah so uh one point yeah we were completely hung over we went to the next day into the uh oh that was the time we weren't drunk yeah we were in a uh in the hotel or like in the lobby like a casino bathroom and they have these nice bathrooms and you're in the hotel, like in the lobby, like a casino bathroom. And they have these nice bathrooms.

And you're in the stall right next to me. And we were both shitting and just trying as hard as we could to make the loudest noise and shitting and laughing our fucking asses off. And people going in must have been like, what in God's name is happening? We're just like. It must have been like, what in God's name is happening? We're just like. It was just fucking competing and laughing our asses off. I don't remember that.

No, Henry remembers way more of my life than I do. I'm not going to forget something like that. That's weird. That was a big thing. Oh, and I got to say, that's got to be. That was one of the best parts Of that trip Is And I don't know if you remember this

But remember they sold you the porn In 24 hour increments Yeah Yeah And Did you wind up Turning this into a bit I remember that was a thing

Oh okay Oh yeah Go ahead So at one point You brought a girl back there And we vacated And Vowels

Yeah Now that was That's evacuated yeah vacated so anyway um you went in there to get down with some girl that you had met at the show or something like that and then all of a sudden um so you got porn into the hotel room and found out after she left, because you guys were there for like an hour. And then after she left, you found out that they billed you like $25. And it says it's $1.25 an hour or whatever. And they said, well, yeah, we bill it in 24-hour increments. You were like, well, the only reason they do this is because they know that people are too embarrassed to call downstairs yeah and so you were like well i'm gonna fucking you know make

sure that that doesn't happen so uh we all go down to the lobby and the place it's like check-in time oh but i fucking hope this backs up because that this whole the china porn story which i haven't put out publicly yet but a lot of people have heard well we all go downstairs and there's just one of those long coiling lines of people waiting to check in and selena and i were just sort of on the side and you went right up to the front just really loud like like by everyone who in the hell gets 24 hours of straight porn i want an answer to that and they were like what was sir sir what's the problem you sold me 24 hours of porn this is bullshit you get one hour porn nobody is gonna does anybody here watch and people are laughing

and everything and then and then you did what i think later you wound up doing as a bit, but it was like, you know, and it says it's triple X, and triple X means there's a money shot. There's no money shot. Who's going to take away the money shot from a porn? I mean, that's like taking the last page out of a book. We want to know what happens at the end. I've put this into the fucking China porn bit. It'll be coming soon to a fucking Netflix near you.

But it was so fantastic just to watch the hotel desk people squirm. They're like, our plan's backfiring because a guy is complaining about it. This is exactly what we banked on wouldn't happen. And they were like, sir, sir, it's okay. We're going to take it off your bill. In the bit I say, I have friends that can vouch for this, but I couldn't name one because I know I've done that before. Excuse me.

I want to complain about the quality of your pornography in the room. And they're like, excuse me, Miss Representative of the Marriott chain of hotels worldwide, international. You know that porn? That's exactly what happened at the Orleans during that trip. It was fucking great. But what scam artist is a 24-hour porn? You just want it on a loop all day long.

But see, that is the psychology of it. And now it doesn't work. People don't give a fuck anymore. The internet kind of fucking destroyed that. Yeah, it ruined all of that. Oh, yeah. Like maybe some ancient 70-year-old businessman are still getting the porn at the hotel.

Well, there's also, you do get creeped out with the whole NSA thing and who's watching me watch porn. They're not watching me over fucking on demand in my hotel room. I just cleared out of, we just moved out of Alaska and I found two of Fun with Pedophiles, the books that you put out a long time ago.

My book, Fun with Pedophiles. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's very, it's the funniest shit I've ever written and no one will buy it because I put pedophile in the title. No one wants that on their credit card, but it really is the funniest shit I've ever done. Putting fun and pedophile in that same sentence. But I had two of them.

One of them you signed, and the other one I had. And I'm like, oh, I'll sell this. People are always asking. I'm like, nope, that's going right in the box. What am I going to do, put it on eBay with my email address? Yeah, contact me. It's a hot potato. You don't want to get stuck with it.

And now you have a box of them in your trunk. Oh, I can explain that, officer. It's a joke. It's called baiting. I'm eating the pages. I have a new book called Gardening with Stanhope, and it's all me fucking children. And it's selling fine yeah now that's gonna be a thing it's like oh remember when you told the fucking children

bit so you're gonna forget about that you said it on the podcast and a couple years from now somebody's dude when you were talking about you have a book about fucking children You're gonna be like I can't find it anywhere Five year olds No petunia is the five-year-old that's her stage name like honey boo boo Henry do you have another one you were thinking about today? You said something? Henry, did you have another one you were thinking about today? You said something. Well, we were telling a few.

There was one that you said, well, it's about another comment. I want to hear your stories. I want to hear our stories. We're talking about the Allen Park. But I know we have some fucking stories. Oh, yeah. But every time I think of Henry's stories, there's so many. But I always think of the ones you already put into. I'm gonna

which one you and you oh yeah yeah that's that Augie Smith gets to tell that one he tells it great well basically well I'll tell from my perspective he we were

trying to do what you do like you were going to all these rock clubs and these venues and uh so Augie and I were like well let's do that you know let's just book a bunch and we're all stoked and um we went to the first gig we had like 30 people there pay 10 bucks and we're kind of like all right and Patrick Keene was with us and his deal was that he gets 500 flat for our whole week. And then Augie and I get the door. So the first night, we make 300. So we're going, all right, well, we made $300. And then we party our asses off.

Everybody's having a good time. The staff, the bartender loves us. We're tipping a lot. And we're having a good time. And then this chick comes up to us afterward and goes, and we're like, so what, 300 bucks is what we get, right? And she was like, well, no,'s it's 300 rental for the room and then augie's like well that nobody ever told us about this what's that 300 what are you talking about and she says well it's 100 for security 100 for sound and lights and then augie's like wait wait security what's security

and she's like well you know i'm the security I was like What the fuck What are you fucking Talking about You're just fucking Ripping us off blind And I'm getting the math A little wrong

Somehow or another She Actually wanted us To pay a little bit So you were in You were into the club For some cash Yeah yeah

I think We made We made less Than whatever they were saying. You know, so we left. Patrick, Augie, and I all just left shouting at the top of our lungs

and flipping that girl off. Just, fuck you! Fuck you, you crazy fucker! It was like such a great release. You crazy fucking bitch cunt! And Augie's like, yeah, it was the most So anyway cathartic

That was night one That was night one You played multiple nights at the same thing No we did Then we were back the next Then we're off to the next town We go to Fresno Now this one

Fucking kills We've got 200 people That paid 10 bucks we go to Fresno. Now, this one fucking kills. We've got 200 people that paid 10 bucks or whatever, and we get an envelope full of cash, two grand, and we're all high-fiving. Of course, we go to the bar, and we're getting extremely fucked up. We're dancing at some point. Keen's got his shirt off, and he's doing push-ups, and then Augie's on top of him

and then we're meeting chicks and we're having such a fucking great time. Somebody from the radio got a party bus so we all get in the party bus and the night just goes on forever. We go to a Denny's.

We're way too loud. We go back. We're sitting around and we're all high-fiving. Oh, man, this is fucking great. Well, this makes up for the first night for sure. So what was it? Is it exactly 2000? And augie's like yeah i think so hold on and he starts looking through his pockets

i love augie by the way but it's like he's like i don't have it i don't have the money and we're like what the fuck i i don't have the fucking like he literally lost the money. And we're like, what the fuck? I don't have the fucking, like he literally lost the money. And then we just started freaking out. We went back to the Denny's. We looked at the bushes. We called the radio. Hey, when we were on the party bus, did anybody find an envelope? And they were like, well, that bus is a rental.

It'll be available tomorrow. And we're looking in the hotel room. So we didn't sleep at all and then at like 8 in the morning we called the bus company, the bus that we were on and they said, yeah, well that bus that you guys had

is out for something called Booze Blues and Barbecues and it's like this touristy like Saturday morning thing where there's all these people, these weekend warriors that are doing like a tour of bars and Augie and I

and Keane show up. We haven't slept at all. It's like the guy from It's a Wonderful Life who loses the 50 grand. Augie's looking under people's seats and they're like they're all having a good time. They're like, hey, I don't know what you're looking for but I think I got it right here. And Augie's like, what?

You got what? And he's like, no no i'm just kidding with you partner he's like fuck you who does that joke don't do that fucking joke so anyway uh and then the whole rest of the trip was just basically lackluster but uh but i remember talking to you about it like maybe like during that week or a little after and you were like yeah how's this tour going and i go well you know uh wednesday night sucked we didn't make any money uh that they fucking tried to charge us uh thursday night was cool uh we did like 2000 but we wound up losing the money and uh anyway friday night and you were like, wait, hold on, what? Well, we lost the money, and then you were like,

yeah, we've lost money on gigs too. I mean, I guess, what did you, promote it wrong or something? No, we physically lost the money. We don't know where the money is. Keane wound up getting the best deal, because he got his 500 dollars that we agreed on yeah again i came away with basically nothing so but that's how henry's stories go that was our tour like you'll you'll talk to him on the phone and he's like yeah and

he just got fucked over in some way that is so blasé to him yeah and then the uh and then i uh yeah she turned into a turned out she was a hooker and she gave me aids but yeah but i i got a weekend coming up and kingsbury what wait you just get a hooker and she gave you yeah it's the thing and yeah no it's like that week had to go that way

if I would have come away rich it wouldn't have been wouldn't have made sense it's like Gilligan never gets off the island at the end you know

I've never I've never met anyone I've told Henry I'll fucking finance a one man show you should do fucking Birbiglia hey Birbig shout out for me

fucking built a fucking walking sleepwalking story into a career and no he's a very funny guy but Henry has a billion of those stories like Henry's the guy that

can one up that story every time with a different story and he's like I'm gonna do a fucking jerking off song again like no you're fucking right in one man show you fucking cunt person and he's got all the backing.

He's fucking friends with Sarah Silverman. Everyone's behind him. Yes. God damn it. Thank God he's not listening to anything. Sorry, no, no, no, I'm listening. He was getting a beer the whole time. I'm listening.

This is just really small, but it's totally you to me. I remember just meeting you for lunch, and you're like, yeah. Anyway, I'll get this. And you told me a story about how you just went into a place to get a coffee, and you just wanted a small coffee, but they only had big cups. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and you're like, no, I just want a small coffee. Yeah, you started them.

There you go. It happened while we were shooting Punching the Clown, so it wound up in the movie, and Chris Fairbanks plays the guy. Please hold. Henry Phillips on Hulu get Punching the Clown. It's stories. He's made a movie about a lot of these stories

that you actually dumbed down because you didn't want to hurt people's feelings. Well, yeah. Go ahead. But anyway, so that one, yeah, it was while we were shooting the movie, I went into a gas station and they had three holes for cups

and there was like the 99 cent, dollar 19 and then dollar 39 and I just wanted to get a coffee. And the first two slots, the cheaper ones, were empty. All they had were these giant ones that were $1.39. And so I told the lady at the counter, I was like, I just want the 99 cent coffee. I don't want the $1.39.

It's not about the money. I don't care. I would pay $1.39 it's fine but it just pissed me off I was like I can I pour less coffee in it and have a small coffee for 99 cents and then she's like no we charge by the cup and I was like it's not my fault that somebody didn't stock the cups. I just want the 99 cents. You're not giving me an option. I think that was the one that I told you. And so it turned into a whole, a whole ordeal. I'm trying to remember how it ended.

I think, uh, when it comes down to the principle of the thing where you realize how much stupid money will blow, like just to fucking not be by the crowd. We were paying how much for drinks at that fucking awful place. Yeah, I'll pay $9 a drink rather than drink for free here. But fucking 15 cents.

It pisses me off at the Tucson airport where I can get the fucking USA Today out of a machine before security. And then I go to buy it at the gift shop and I have to pay $1.07 and I get a fucking change. I don't want change. I have enough money now I shouldn't know about coins. Yeah, yeah. And I'm very

upset about this 7 cents tax that pisses me off, yet I'll fucking blow a fucking bunch of dumb money on some stupid thing on ebay because oh i'm gonna get that for the backyard i don't need it i don't it just pisses you off none of it just pisses me off that they make it look like you're supposed to have the option to get a cheaper coffee if you wanted to and And the more you talk about this, the more ridiculous it sounds. Yeah. But it's like,

why charge by the cup? Why not charge by the coffee? I'm going to get less coffee. This is where corporate comes down to, well, that's how corporate knows how much they're selling is by the size of the cup. Yeah, a guy goes,

count the cups. And the cunt at the fucking front desk counter can't make, like, he's not Mr. Flying J. Yeah. Mr. Flying J decides and you can't find Mr. Flying J. That's the person responsible. Mr. Fucking truck stops of America.

That's the guy you want to burn with a cigarette. But he's never at the counter. He's never there. burn with a cigarette but he's never at the counter never there well i believe in the trickle up theory which is if you make it hard for the people at the bottom somehow that's got to do a little it's got to be infusing some negative energy into that like let's say you just jimmy johns i just went to fucking jimmy John's out of respect for fucking Mr. Mitch Hedberger used to be a fucking spokesmodel and I like

just I want the smallest fucking sandwich. I just want to eat enough so I can drink during the show without getting too shit faced and I give me the smallest thing and I go oh put the the red and yellow peppers what do they call it?

Banana peppers. Yeah do they call them? Cherry peppers. Banana peppers. Banana peppers in the, yeah. Yeah. And he goes, well, we can't put that on that. I go, well, just charge me for it. No, we're not allowed to. And I was about to walk out, and then I looked behind me at my choices, which were pretty much nothing.

And I'm like, fuck it. Give me a tuna sandwich, because I don't need any. Yeah. I don't want to pay the extra dollar to get the thing that I can get the thing because fuck you. Yeah, I know. Yeah. It's just that's where I want to kill people. This is my weird thing is that's when I get psychotic and I think about killing people.

Well, on this trickle up theory thing. Hang on. James fucking Schrader is going to finally talk. I was going to say, like, you ordered the 12 and you just wanted banana peppers. And they're like, we can't do that. But you can get the 14 and then we'll hold the chilies. And that way you get your, but you can't just get the 12 with banana peppers. We can't do that.

It makes you fucking crazy because it's not, you want to yell at that person, and that person is a fucking kid who's just happy to get fucking eight bucks an hour. I don't even know what they make anymore. It's paying for his Honda Civic. Yeah, and there's some cunt that made that rule. Here's the thing, though. I think the chili pepper should be like $8. Like, you know how everyone all of a sudden goes, oh, there's a hamburger that costs $30.

I hope it comes with a car. I think all food should be like a million dollars. Think about what happens for you to get a fucking banana pepper and you think it has to be grown and put in a truck and people care for it. So everything should be a billion dollars. It's not a bad argument, except for the problem is...

You guys realize that when Ben M. Heffer went from $8 to a million to a billion at the end of her statement. But the thing is, we're getting used to stuff. That's the world we live in, ladies and gentlemen. Inflation is fucking crazy. Lynn Shawcroft inflation. Hang on. James Schrader, let's talk to you.

Sorry. Yeah, wait a inflation. Hang on. James Schrader, let's talk to you. Sorry. Yeah, wait. Go for it. Trickle up there. I do have one more. Did you have something or no? No, no, no. I'm just not looking this way.

It's awkward. So if you want to chime in, just tap my shoulder. Or move this way. Are you a sandwich artist? Is there a little something in your history? I'm a fan of sandwiches. Let's get a quick background of James Schrader. He's a local comic that opened the show.

I didn't see him tonight, but by all accounts, he did well. Yeah, he killed it. He's hanging out. We thought he was a narc at first, spying on us because the owner was mad at me about some fucking breach of solidarity. A misunderstanding. Yeah, a small misunderstanding. So, yeah, you live here in San Diego, obviously. I've been here about a year and a half.

From? Originally, I grew up in South Florida, the Keys. Oh, Florida, one of the worst comedy states there is. When we play Florida, we... There's a lot of great comics from there, though. Who? Other than Rhodes. Tosh.

Oh, Tosh, yeah. Greg Hahn. I think Greg Hahn's fun. Greg Hahn? The Possum Man? Tony Florida's The Possum Man. Point is, everywhere we go, there's a local opener that wants to open the show,

and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Florida, never anyone. Really? Yeah, Kristen McWithie we found for a minute, and then she got pregnant and squeezed out a kid, and she's ruined. I have no, like, uh fig figler god damn it he's gonna hate the night oh yeah yeah so i got him now that was the last that's the usually you

have your fucking pick of the litter florida good place to get out of right and that's the thing i mean i was lucky i was not it's i kind of take offense or i did it first when people hear you're from florida everyone thinks florida's crazy I grew up in such a small part. I mean, I was on an island until I went to college, and then I lived in Tampa for nine years, and again, I was kind of isolated away from a lot of the crazy, even though Tampa's pretty crazy. Tampa's fucking great crazy.

Do you guys follow Florida Man on Twitter? No, I've never heard of him. Oh, everybody's got to do it. Oh, yeah. Florida Man. What is it? At Florida Man. It's just one headline after another coming out of Florida,

and they're all fucking crazy. Oh, we've got the best. I mean, it's the best. Obviously. We have swamp people, and then we have rednecks that are right next to Georgia, and then we've got old people. I mean, we have the full spectrum, and they all flock. There's like 10,000 people a day or something moving to Florida.

They all are links to real stories. It's actually about to usurp California as the most populated state. Probably. That was just on the newser. Anyway. I was in construction for nine years

and they were building homes by the... I mean, they weren't developing it like 300 homes at a time. We're going to build this phase. They were like, nope, we're going to put in 4,000 homes. And it was just, they were so prepared during the boom and everything. Yeah. It was just, it was nuts to see this.

I'm like, what are these people doing? Because we're building $300,000 homes for everybody. I had a hooker steal my identity in Florida. You go. I had a six-foot train steal $20 out of my pocket with her hooker fingernails on South Beach. Nice. Was it during a transaction?

It was during. This is how airplane conversations should go. They go, so where are you flying to? I go, the place I got a hooker from. You go. You're right, because that's exactly what it's like. Now you be interesting. Yeah, exactly.

I went through a phase where I had sex with the cab drivers. In Florida? We'll get to that. Barter system's awesome. We'll get to that as long as you don't say, hey, you have to cut out that I had sex with cab drivers phase thing I said on the air last night. So, yeah. I was on South Beach, just fucked up with a friend of mine.

We've been out partying all night. I got a hotel and it was we were coming back up the main strip there. Was it Washington or whatever? And we had just reenacted Johnny Versace's murder for fun, which is great. Like as as street performance. Yeah. In a way, like we didn't have a crowd. There were technically people walking by. Which is not Like as street performance Yeah In a way Like we didn't have a crowd

There were technically people walking by Were you on a dance floor? He pretended to bend over and pick up the newspaper And I pranced up Went bang bang He fell down And then I pranced away And then we were walking back

And this just gorgeous he she walked up and was like you want some sucking and fucking and my friend was like I'm way we just made all those tips from our reenactment fucking share the wealth entertainment they take advantage of actors don't they it's really sad

they just know they shouldn't gouge with the prices yeah the casting couch is supposed to come before the performance but go ahead but so she uh she grabbed a hold of me by my pockets and i was 19 and naive at the time uh and my buddy was just he was like i'm out of here and he's like going the door i'm like this is fucking gold where are you going the story alone i have no plans to fuck this person but i will definitely hear about her describing her fucking and sucking like that's and she's like what's wrong with your friend he's afraid he's afraid of the fucking and suck it and i'm like i'm not even playing that up

like she was it was incredible until the next morning i'm like i had 20 i had a 20 and i'm looking i was like her fucking six-inch fingernails, she just snagged a 20 while she's teasing me with the... You forget how much $20 meant when you were that age. Like, that's... Back at an age where you put your finger in a fucking coin slot of a payphone and got a quarter, and you're like,

oh, my God, that's fucking lucky Yeah, 20 bucks. I remember when that was the world. Oh, yeah, I remember that shit Oh video games We had no money and we'd hang out and we play video games all day because we did the stupidest thing To be able to play all day We take one quarter and actually put a piece of thread on it tape thread right on the Pac-Man You got to get the action just right you hit that one little spot where the weight of the quarter and it goes Oh, yeah

And it does it it does it yes gently and you go And you just keep going credits Yeah And then you know you have your buddy like here he comes and you pull the string and then the the tape You know doesn't hold that much, and then it just rolls right back down. But then the guy who cleans out the machine goes, how come there's only six quarters,

and they all got tape on them in here? Jig is up at that point. But yeah, it was the same thing. We had no money, and you've got to be inventive. Do what you've got to do. Fingernails could get you deep in here. She was like six foot four. She was to grab someone by the pocket.

Right. I'm all I'm not. I forgot about that. Yeah. That's about it. That's someone bumping you from behind and another person grabbing your wallet. Exactly. But this only this is hits in your face. Yeah, right. Fucking boner in your thigh.

And you're like, I'm all confused. I'm not even worried about my American Express. This was like 25 seconds of questioning your sexuality because you're shit-faced at South Beach. It kind of looks like a girl. It was a good-looking 6'4", 6'6". That impression is pretty classic. It's like Mae West meets...

Wait, do it again. What's wrong with your friend? He don't want no fucking and sucking? Who is it? And I'm looking up at him. He's standing there and he's just shaking his head. I'm like, Mace, why are you afraid of the fucking and sucking? What's wrong?

Yeah, what's wrong with you? He's like, well, what about you? You want to get that fucking and sucking what's wrong yeah what's wrong with you yeah yeah he's like oh well what about you you want to get that fucking that is fucking lovely but no it's it's always awkward when when a tranny hooker says well who's your friend your friend doesn't want any How about you? Not you either? Well, do you know anyone else? You know Nothing like being the second choice Yeah Oh, that's Doug

With the transvestite hooker story? No, no I was That is a different story altogether What time are we at? Because I want fucking Henry to tell his story. What? 50.

Yeah. Particular story? Well, the one story that you said, you told me in the car that I've heard before. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I was crying and I go, fucking tell that on the podcast. Yeah, I can. And you go, someone else already told Bert Kreischer. Yeah.

Who I really want to drink with. You said he told your... No, I told him the story and then he told it on his podcast, I believe. Well, fuck. I want to hear your... I'm not going to say the name of the comic it's about. If they listen to Burt's, they could probably get the name.

And the main reason for that is it's not important. It isn't. Because you won't know him. It's almost more of an insult since it started that way. Anyway, no, he's a great guy. But anyway. Listen to the story. But the story's great.

And he told me this story. He's a comic. He moves into a new place with a few other comics, and it's right on this strip or this stretch of road in L.A. where there's a bunch of these, like you were saying, the duplexes and almost like townhouses. The buildings are about three feet apart from each other or something like that. So he goes into what's going to be his room.

No furniture, nothing, no drapes. He's got like a chair there basically, other or something like that uh so he goes into what's going to be his room no furniture nothing no drapes he's got like a chair there basically and uh looks out his window and sees just the roof of the neighboring building so like they're one story higher so if you look out his window he just sees the roof he towers over the neighbors yeah yeah so um i guess uh later that evening uh it gets dark and he's uh on the phone talking to his girlfriend and he starts uh masturbating like they're having phone sex so he starts jerking off. He's butt naked. And, you know. No blinds. No fucking winds.

He's jerking off. He comes. And, like, the whole bit. You know, Kleenex. He wipes off everything. And he hears just this faint. Ugh. And he's like, what the fuck?

And he looks out his window. and his eyes adjust outside the window and he can see there's an entire roof party happening. Like right outside his window, the roof has like a barbecue there. There's like 18 people and they're all just looking at his window, his brightly lit window where he's just sitting there jerking off and he's like oh god and then he you know that's he just turns off the light yeah yeah so he's like that's a life killer yes it's weekend one of a two-year lease he said yeah for the next several months at least he was i think i don't I can't remember if he was a smoker or not but yeah he would go out on his deck

and or the little patio and he would hear just that's the guy that's the one I was drinking he's like fuck fucking embarrassing that's like that's yeah I don't I don't think anyone can top that as

a most embarrassing moment. Yeah, no, that one definitely works. Was it just standard tugging? I mean, it could have been worse depending on the person. No, but let's all face it. None of us would want a candid taping of us jerking off. Like, if we were posing for it or we knew it was happening, we could do the best we could to try to make it look sexy.

But when we're just hunched over, that's not a flattering thing. And in this case, he was probably completely just fucking... Does anyone get creeped out at the fucking camera thing on your laptop when you're jerking off?

I never think to put tape on the fucking camera before that. Or is it an urban myth or something, where some kid just got blackmailed by some Nigerians or something like that? Well, this kid killed himself. Somehow or another, some porn site activated his camera and got a shot of him jerking off and he's like a high school kid or something like that and then they sent a letter saying this and this is i heard

this from a trusted friend of mine so i never googled it so people can look maybe people some of your listeners will know what i'm talking about. Snopes. You should probably check it out. Yeah, but it just happened right now. So Snopes might not know about it yet. No, I'm just kidding. Snopes, that's what I'm going to do when I quit comedy, is I'm going to go out and fulfill a lot of the urban legends that have been debunked on Snopes. That's awesome.

And I'm going to put fucking alligators in toilets. I'm going to kill a kid with Pop Rocks. I'm going to fucking put a small penis on, what's her name? Trading Places. Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes. I'm going to make her a map for that. Trading places. Fucking hot shit. Jamie Lee Curtis. Yes.

I'm going to make her a map for that. You're going to put a gerbil in Richard Gere's ass. I'm going to fucking put a guy in a fucking bathtub with ice and with his kidneys fucking missing. Because that turns a profit, that one. That's my... Pick up a scuba diver with a plane. Yeah, Yeah I'm gonna pitch this to FX Louise behind me That's hilarious Well you know

Yes I'm gonna pitch that to a network executive Lynn I'm gonna say Listen I'm gonna put a gerbil up Richard Gere's ass It'll be hilarious Does anyone know Richard Gere? No, you can't talk off mic. Don't

Gretchen the podcast. All right. I think we're fucking wrapped up here. I think we need no editing. We didn't mention any names. The front needs some work. Why? The front? Oh, yeah.

Chaos. Fuck it. Chaley just likes The front needs some work Why the front Oh yeah Yeah chaos Well fuck it Yeah Chaley just likes to work Anyone else want to chime in Let's go home I do remember my most embarrassing And Doug and Bingo You were there

We were in Now I don't I don't remember A lot of the details Oh wait Hang on Henry and I That story about We won't mention her name

Oh the most embarrassing Moments Yeah yeah What's that He No you go No no I don't have to go I was just trying to think

Of a quick one You go and we'll close strong In case yours is Fucked up If you have an embarrassing No you had one You're good Schrader's good We were in Vegas Yeah And you and Bingo In case yours is fucked up. If you have an embarrassing one. No, you had one. You're good.

Schrader's good. We were in Vegas. Yeah. And you and Bingo, and I believe Hennigan, had decided to go to one of the bingo halls in the area down on the strip. And I'd never been to a bingo hall. We'll catch up with you later. We had the fucking stupid clothes on.

I had some crazy like velour blue thing i was rocking and just clomping in like assholes drunk assholes into probably the gold coast right by the rio yes yes and you guys were already seated with all your little things like the daubers and bingo was manic on the thing, just hitting everything. And this place is like half full of everyone towards the front. We're the kids in the back. I don't know what the fuck to do with Bingo playing the game. I've never done it. As a kid, this is on a different level.

And we sat down, and someone gave me a card or something, and immediately I'm getting these numbers and I'm hitting them and I'm drunk. Clearly drunk. Yeah. Dressed like a fucking prick in the back of this huge bingo hall that's half full with all the fucking football field. Yeah. And it's all these people there. And like in like I don't know how many numbers you got. In like seven calls, I'm like, I've got bingo.

I'm like, no fucking way. And I jump up. Bingo! Oh, shit. And there's no fucking way I ever could have got. Because everyone is like, you could hear them go, no fucking way. No, because they know. It's not possible. not possible playing a double

game or some weird like no one said that I hear someone go go check anyway and I'm like fuck I'm shrinking still get douche chills thinking about that and then like how do I get out of there yeah yeah yeah

I'm the electric guy that just yelled bingo and like ruined everyone's photo it's a four corners game It's at four corners You can't have that They had to like call Like ten more numbers Before anyone even could get bingo

And I'm Suckers It's just sitting there Like an elephant in the room Like every round that goes by It's like you So didn't have bingo When we lived

When I lived there At open mic years And When I lived there open mic years and earlier, I lived there from 19 to 21 and then 22 to 23. We'd play bingo. We were so broke. You could play bingo for an hour. And the minimum cards were three bucks, but you could drink for free for an hour and the minimum cards were three bucks but you could drink for free for an hour so we would play

bingo all fucking night just to drink for three bucks an hour way better than minimum wage oh yeah so yeah we would play and we just we had security called on us every night and they'd

always give us a warning, and then we'd stop. But we'd stomp our daubers on the fucking board. Just fucking 069. Bam! Bam! Bam! And this is a football field size. You remember the size of that room? Literally football field size of all these old people.

It was just screaming, yelling, and heckling remember the size of that room literally football field size of all these old people it's just screaming yelling and heckling until security came up going hey you gotta calm down and we then we'd calm down and then we go to the next game but yeah we did uh i don't know maybe i had a point i forgot it uh bingo oh wait quickly, you reminded me of another kind of embarrassing one that's similar, but it definitely won't be the closer. But this buddy of mine is at an Irish pub. He has a gig where he does trivia. He invited me down.

Dude, come down. Have some beers. I do trivia on Tuesday nights for all these college students or whatever. And there's just all these cool college kids or whatever. And my buddy and I, I guess we were probably both 40 at the moment. And so I just show up to support my friend doing this thing. And we're trying to do this trivia. I didn't know the answer to any of these fucking

questions they were like way and my buddy is a physician's assistant so he's been through uh med school and he was even in his uh scrubs or whatever he came right from work and so we're both sitting there in this thing and we're supposed to be playing this trivia thing i didn't know any of them it was like just you know just way too smart shit for me. And at one point he starts this one question. He goes, this band with their hit Rio from 19. And both my buddy and I just fucking stood up. Duran Duran.

And every all these fucking college kids in the whole bar. Yeah, you got it. Yeah, that's good for you. We thought it was going to be some fucking everybody just like, oh, you couldn't. We might as well just stood up and just yelled, we're fucking douchebags. Oh, God. Yeah. All right. Well, so we have this mutual friend who got a new boyfriend and she wanted to introduce her new boyfriend to a few of her friends.

So she invites me and a few other buddies to go down to the Formosa bar and we have a bunch of drinks and we're meeting the new boyfriend and he's a cool guy, you know, whatever. And he's an actor and he's been in a couple of commercials. boyfriend and he's a cool guy you know whatever and he's an actor and he's been in a couple of commercials anyway uh we start playing this game where everybody goes around and says what their most embarrassing thing is you know and i think one person does one and then this guy's like second and he goes okay yeah the new boyfriend yeah this is a comic that you you know but no one else knows. She was a girl. I remember that I used to, I had a porno back, this was VHS days back then,

but I had found one where there were flies. There was an anal scene where there, but they were at a pool outside and flies kept landing on her ass. But it was a good move back then.'re gonna see this porno like it's hilarious but if chicks are watching porno you're more likely to fuck them yeah she never fucked me anyway no but uh that was just some context. Yeah, coloring up the story. So anyway, this guy starts telling his embarrassing moment. And this is funny for a lot of reasons, but he starts going, okay, well, mine, I was probably about early teens. And I was home alone with our family dog. And I think you guys know where I'm going with this.

With our family dog. And I think you guys know where I'm going with this. But we went out. I went out to the backyard with the dog. And I put peanut butter on my penis and made the dog lick it up. And that was my first blowjob. And we're all just like, ah. Okay. This game's not funny no more. And we're all just like, okay.

This game's not funny no more. And then the next person goes and they're like, oh, yeah, well, no, I farted when I was in third grade. But it's like, what I think is so funny about it is it's like, what do you mean embarrassing? It's supposed to be embarrassing. Who are you embarrassed in front of? Did he get caught? Yeah. So he just outed himself?

Yeah, yeah. Years later, like, no, it was really embarrassing. You know what? Bring the dog here to the Formosa Cafe. It's the dog's most embarrassing moment. I licked peanut butter off a dude's dick. I didn't know. I was a young puppy. Yeah, that's like a guy saying, you know,

I raped a girl. That was embarrassing. Never got caught. Man, it was so embarrassing. He doesn't know what the word embarrassing means. You did bestiality. That's what you did. My most embarrassing moment is when I murdered that young girl when I was a trucker.

What? Yeah, I know. I killed her and stuff. Oh, how embarrassing. That's not really embarrassing. They searched for months and months. Horrible. You should have seen the look on my face.

All right. We're going to wrap this up. So anyway, the relationship eventually ended. But it's just funny because I'll still see the guy pop up on TV commercials every now and then. Yeah, like Orbitz commercials or whatever. And I'll just be like, I know that that guy had his dog suck his dick. I shouldn't know that about the guy, but I do. Dogs don't suck.

Yeah, yeah. Cal Dogs don't suck. Calves, they suck. Hey, shout out Nebraska. I'll be coming your way probably later in the year. I wanted you to wrap up that fucking one story that I had forgotten about. It's an old mutual friend where

we were in Sacramento. I remembered the fucking... We took a shopping cart, Sacramento punchline 15 years ago. I don't fucking know. And we, but we were the mutual comic friend. Yeah.

And, uh, well, yeah, I mean this one, this is the, the only time that I've ever seen you squirm with embarrassment. Like, usually you're pretty open about it.

Hey, man, if something happens, it happens. And fuck, it's my own thing. Yeah. I didn't remember ever squirming until you told me this story today. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I do remember that. We were all bonding. We had just done a show, this girl, Doug, and myself. And we're having the time of our lives. We go to play. We had just done a show. This girl. Three comics. Doug and myself. And we're having the time of our lives.

We go to play. We do karaoke. Again, no one you would know or I'd fucking say it. Yeah. A couple of. So we do karaoke. I think you did naked karaoke. You did the I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.

I used to do I am woman Hear me roar Hell and ready Yeah and it was like the But with my own lyrics The bartender said Hey yes I'm wise

But it's wisdom Born of pain Hey get three more guys We'll go out back And pull a train Yeah no And the bartender Even told everybody

In the room Guys This place is officially closed. If you like, you can leave, but we are not. Anyway, let's get to the point. We're at Denny's. Okay, yeah, I'm sorry. So we're all drunk.

We're having a great time. We're all bonding. We're at the Denny's. We're telling stories about sex. Shush! We're telling stories about sex and stuff, and then at one point I go, oh, Doug, what was the girl? You told me like a week ago that you banged some chick that you weren't that into, but

she was into it. So you just said, oh, I'm going to go ahead and fuck her anyway, even though I'm not even the least bit attracted to her. And it's going to be awkward. And you're going, I don't know this. I go, what do you mean? You don't know. You just told me like a week.

Oh, and I'm giving them that. And I'm going, oh, I don't know this. I go, what do you mean you don't know it? You just told me like a week. Oh, and I'm going, oh, I even know the event. You said it was at the, you know, and then I called it. Comedy dot stand up. And she goes, oh, that's the night I hooked up with you. And then I just like, oh, God. Oh, boy, this is fucking. Taxi. I was just done. Oh, man. Oh, it, this is fucking. Taxi. I was just done.

Oh, man. Oh, it was so uncomfortable. I'm surprised you told me to tell it now. It's weird. Oh, God. If she when she hears this, she'll put out her own fucking podcast of shit. We did. Oh, I should have shut my.

I remember ironing out. I was dating this girl. This is 90s. And I was dating a girl. And I woke up and there were hot candle wax stains on the carpet where I'm like, oh, fuck, my girlfriend's going to be coming over. And I'm trying to iron them out of the carpet like put the thing down

yeah yeah she could tell some stories about me too but hopefully she'll go I won't mention his name hopefully she'll do that that's it for us I wish that was the only time i wish you were on mic you know what repeat that

give her a mic and repeat that lynn shawcroft greg chaley henry phillips james schrader see him in san diego the filthy whores sitting there texting while we talk. Oh, good God. God knows what's waiting for us outside these green room doors. It's a great American comedy club. Great club. They let us stay here late. Dude, I have to say, and I'm not, I think that some good karma should happen,

and I'm not doing any kind of like kissing up, but I fucking, I love this place. It's fucking great. It's a fucking sweet green room. All this will be edited out. I'm just going to do, I'm going to do an additional close. American Comedy Club, God knows what waits for us outside these green room doors. Here's. Why don't you make friends?

Wait. American Comedy Club, San Diego. Got. Star over. I said cunt. Yeah, I said cunt. Take five. Let him I said cunt. Take five.

Let him do the whole thing. American Comedy Club in San Diego. God knows what waits for us outside these green room doors. And now, the Matoid. Party time Closing tune by The Mattoys, both available on iTunes. This episode's sponsored by Henry Phillips Movie, Punching the Clown, available on Netflix. Keep up with Doug's road dates by joining the mailing list at dougstanhope.com. Thanks for listening. And do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks

It's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam

Fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go Rock your box six party time Here we go Party time Party time Party time Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey!

Party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time!