The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #23: Rebecca Vitsmun, Atheist Oklahoma Tornado Survivor

Episode Date: April 1, 2014

Doug finally sits down with the atheist tornado survivor, Rebecca Vitsmun. Rebecca gives the low down on surviving the tornado, CNN interview going viral and how she spent the money rasied to help her family out.  This podcast sponsored by Doug Stanhope's eBAY Virtual Yard Sale. Sales end first week of April. Details at dougstanhope.comRecorded March 18, 2014 in the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope, Rebecca Vitsmun, Chad Shank and Bingo. Edited by Greg Chaille @gregchaille.Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la Yeah, we've been waiting for this for Almost a year We have Rebecca Vitzman As our guest here On the Doug Stanhope podcast You might know as The

The here on the Doug Stanhope podcast. You might know as the the atheist Oklahoma atheist tornado girl. Yeah, I don't know how much I guess we have to give the full backstory. Yeah. I got Chad Shank here and Bingo sitting in oddly.

Bingo never wants to sit in. And Rebecca Vitzman, if you don't know, was the girl that made viral news in an interview with Wolf Blitzer last year in Moore, Oklahoma, right? Yeah. After her shit got destroyed by a tornado. And you were doing an interview with Wolf Blitzer.

It was a great story. I'm going to have you tell a story that you told to Wolf Blitzer. Okay. Just to back people up. You want me to do it now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right. Well, hello.

You'd moved to Oklahoma from Louisiana. Technically Louisiana, yeah. I kind of moved around and then ended up in Oklahoma. And then I kind of got stuck there for a little while because I fell in love. But the plan was to get out, but we didn't before our shit got destroyed. But what happened was we were in the house, and, you know, Anders went up to the window because there was lightning. Anders is your kid.

Yeah, yeah. He was 19 months old, and he heard lightning and thunder. Well, he heard thunder. He went up to the window, and he was like, boom, boom. And I was like, I didn't think the weather was supposed to be here yet. And I checked the weather. This is May of 2013. Yeah, May 20th. to be here yet.

And I check the weather. This is May of 2013. Yeah, May 20th. And I look at the radar, and there's already a tornado. And it's like already an F3. They say it's getting stronger. And it's coming directly from my house. And at this point, it's about 15 miles away. And I was like, oh, no.

No, that's not boom. Come on. So I grab him, and I get into our bathtub, because that's what they tell you to do. Get in your bathtub. It's super safe. I hate Oklahoma. They're crazy.

Get in your bathtub. Okay, so I grabbed his toddler mattress and drug it in the bathroom. And I'm sitting in the bathtub and then it became clear, this is going to hit your house. It's no longer like, this might hit your house it's no longer like this might hit your house can maybe coming it might dissipate la la la no it's already in f4 and now

you're watching this on radar on your computer yeah on my laptop and then that's whenever i just had the no fuck no and then i started i just grabbed him and started running around the house looking for my keys because i never put them in one place and i was pissed i was like we're gonna die because i can't find my keys this is it you know but i found them like three seconds later you know but there's that moment where you're like what if i die because i can't find my keys that's that's like that's a movie moment yeah that's the thing where they're fumbling with the keys and the car won't start. Yeah, yeah. It's just like that. And I run outside and there's hail falling and I was like, I'm going to get hit by a

hailstone and that's the way I'm going to die. Every single moment is like, this is all going down right now. It's over. And then I think if there's traffic, I'm going to dive in because I'm going to get stuck in this fucking traffic. But there's nobody. This is weird because I do this and Chad Shank, I'm sure, does as well with just everyday life. I don't need a tornado.

I just wake up and go, ooh, that's sore. Probably got cancer there. Oh, no, I do this. No, this is just a symptom of a hypochondriac personality. It's just like, oh, that's cancer. If I'm breathing in some kind of fume i'm like oh that's surely gonna give me cancer it's all over now you know but yeah so i got down the road and then i watched it like hit my house but i didn't think oh this is hitting my house i

just thought oh that's fucking now you drive you're driving like a bat out of hell or is it like i drove like a bat out of hell until it was like clear it's not going to hit where I am. Okay, but was it stop traffic like in the action movies? No, because all the Oklahomans are in their bathtub. For the only time they ever get in the bathtub. They fake tornadoes just to get them to wash. Yeah, and so I turned around and watched it. And that's whenever I was like, oh, shit.

I left my cats. You know? Oh. Yeah. I realized I left them. And so that's why I turned around, like to go back. You have a bad track history with cats, not to get off topic. But you were just telling me a story about.

No, this is the same cats. They lived. They lived. But that's the cat I was talking about. What was the story... No, this is the same cats. They lived. They lived, but that's the cat I was telling you about. What was the story? Oh, Charlie, whenever he was a baby, his mother had an infection in her milk, and the cats were... She had a litter of four kittens,

and they were all dying. And finally, we took him to the vet, and Charlie almost died. His whiskers fell out. Tufts of fur were falling out. He couldn't even vomit on his own. We had to hold him and force him to vomit. I have to do that to Bingo.

Just to keep her at fight and wait. Anyway, I'm sorry. I took you off topic. You left your cats in the house. Yeah, well, Charlie survived, but then he went through a fucking tornado. Yeah, and they lived. Through the tornado.

Yeah, well, so we usually keep our bedroom door open. I mean closed, but I left it open. And they panicked and went under my bed. And they had a bunch of shit under there. So whenever the bed collapsed under the house, there was just a little pocket left. And that's where the cats were. Little cat bathtubs.

Right. They just happened to go to one of the very few spots they would have lived. If I remember the story correctly, you actually parked your car? Yeah, like a mile away.

You couldn't drive anymore because all the poles were all down in the street and everything. Then I didn't have any shoes because I ran out of the house. All I did was keys. I didn't have shoes, but I had some heels in my back seat so i put those on and tiptoed like over light poles and debris and like like there were people walking by like crying and stuff and i'm like tiptoeing with my child holding your baby yeah like trying to tell him you know oops all the houses fell down him, you know, oops, all the houses fell down. What happened? You know, trying to make it happy

for a two-year-old. Oh, the silly tornado knocked everything down. Whoopsie-daisy. So you go spiking it back in your high heels to what used to be your house. Yeah.

And your husband, you... He's there. He was on the interstate watching this thing hit the house thinking we were in the bathtub. And your husband, you... He's there. He was on the interstate watching this thing hit the house, thinking we were in the bathtub. So he had on tennis shoes and booked it. He ran all the way over there. So he got there 30, 45 minutes before we did.

And he saw the remnants of what it looked like for whenever we would get in the bathtub, because there's the... Mattress. Mattress and everything. But weird stuff in our house has gone. Our refrigerator's not there. Wow.

And there's another person's car on our house. I'd have had that towed right away. But you know, there's no reason to think that we didn't just stay and maybe the house, maybe the car was thrown somewhere and maybe we were sucked out. There were people who

lived like 10 houses down from us who did get sucked out of their bathtub. Like that happened to some people and they died. You know, that sucks. But you know, huzzah. So there was that movie moment of finding your husband? Oh yeah, totally. No, even I walked up and Anders, he does this sweet thing whenever we hug

all three of us. He'll go, aww. And so we just all cried. Well, Brian and I cried and he was being a kid. He wanted to play with stuff. Rummaging through neighbors' fun stuff.

Right, right. I don't think he even realized it was his stuff. Like, you know, it wasn't like, oh, this is all my stuff that's destroyed. Instead, he's just like, oh, we're in a strange place. So that's lucky for him. So you had the big threesome hug?

Yeah. And then, yeah. And you were just saying the day before your husband... Yeah. Yeah, he was being a jerk. We're at a birthday, like a kid's birthday party or whatever. And everybody's sitting around. There was a siren that went off the day before.

And everybody's like, oh, man, you know, what if it hit you? What if it hit you? And my husband was like, oh, yeah, it'd be awesome. No, just take the house, leave the garden. The grade of a tornado hit her house. Right, right. It's being a jerk And I was just like, don't say this shit like that

That's not even cool Turns out he was right It took the garden So, you know, in your face Sorry, Brian Fuck your cherry tomatoes He did have cherry tomatoes I think every garden has cherry tomatoes

That's because it produces so much Gardeners love to have Things come out of their garden I think every garden has cherry tomatoes. That's because it produces so much. Gardeners love to have things come out of their garden. So now you're fucked. Yeah. Your shit is gone. Your entire life. I don't even have shoes.

I'm standing there in a pile of rubble and I'm like, okay, so where do you go? What do you do? What did you do? I went to a friend's house. I couldn't actually call anybody. You didn't have a cell phone yeah so i i somehow ran into a friend i don't remember how that ended up happening but and he said you know go to my house and here's a key and then i went over there and yeah just started accumulating shit again you know because you started at zero

you're like okay well there are some things in life that you need. Diapers, yeah. Shoes. Shoes, yeah. So I just started reaccumulating. All right, and now it's a matter of between then and when you ended up on CNN with Wolf Blitzer. What happened?

Walk us through that. Yeah, okay. How does Wolf Blitzer. What happened? Walk us through that. Yeah, okay. How does Wolf Blitzer find you? Well, no. I had a friend who took pictures of my house. I didn't have a camera. My shit's all destroyed. So I was like, oh, give me those because, yeah, I'll post that.

And then a couple years before, some softball-sized hail had hit our house. And so I had this iReport account on CNN already and you know with these pictures of these huge pieces of hail and I was like oh yeah I should put I should put this on there yeah so I put like three pictures of our destroyed house and then I put like three little lines that's just like you know I was in the bathtub with my 19 month old until it was about five miles away then I panicked and ran this is what happened to my house that's it and then they sent me a thing and they were like, we really love your story. Woman

saves child. This is awesome. Would you mind being in the situation room? And I was like, sure. I have nothing else to do, literally. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my house is gone. So they had me go the next day or whatever. I want to know how they overproduced it was like

did they they get you in the right shot to make it look as depressing as possible you know they totally set up the background because okay so first first they yeah no first they set up like they they pick a obviously like destroyed area they chose well actually all of the different things were all forced to be in a certain area like all the media but they chose a bowling alley and then they like intentionally put bowling balls in the background like like they found them they were all destroyed yeah like a stage this tragedy right right right and so and then they're just like oh yeah we'll put it right there so it's like right on the left of his face you know so like if you go back you'll see like a bowling ball like in the background or whatever and i was just because and andrews was freaking out because he

really wanted to play with the balls and they're like no no no we need that you know and so that's why they gave him that microphone to play with because he wanted to play with balls like balls balls you know they couldn't have a one-year-old screaming balls through the whole thing. So, yeah. So they wouldn't let him play with that, so they gave him a dummy microphone it wasn't on or anything. And you tell

Wolf Blitzer the story? Yeah, well, actually, before we even went on, Wolf Blitzer's a nice guy. He's like a sweet old grandpa. I wouldn't think he's anything but. Well, no. He let me nurse Anders in his car. I wouldn't have expected that.

There weren't any chairs or anything, and it's all debris everywhere, and I needed to nurse the baby. He didn't have to watch, did he? No, but he did come by. He actually got some stuff out of his car while we were in there. Don't mind me.

I'm not here for anything. I think I have some gum in the glove compartment somewhere here. You go right ahead. He's a thirsty little guy. Thirsty little guy you get there. Yeah, but then Anders talked to him for a little while. And that's why he tried to get Anders to talk on camera, because he was talkative in the car.

Oh, I've had those people on the podcast. Oh, yeah? Wow, they were chatting up a storm until I got on the mic. That happens on the Ask an Atheist show. Apparently, they'll say, oh, yeah, we should have you on the show. We should have you on the show. And then they get on the show, and nothing happens. You'll try to pry a couple of words out of them.

So, okay, Wolf Blitzer, after you get done tit-feeding your kid in his car, put you on the set. Right, right. And then, yeah, we see what all happened on there. And then at the end... Did this go out live? Yeah, it was live.

All right. Totally live. And I think that's actually why he ended up asking what he did, because he tried to have, like, a close with Anders. Like, if you watch it, he'll, you know, say i'm anders and this is cnn and he goes for an anders you know isn't going to do anything and then he tries to have like this moment with anders and anders is having none of it you know and then he's just like okay i missed that close so let's go for god moment ha ha yeah this will work. We're in Oklahoma, right?

And then it failed. Yes. So he said, well, I bet you thank the Lord for that last minute decision or something. He's like, well, he first started with like, you got to thank the Lord. And I thought, like generally, you know, like 80% of the population. So I just kind of like dodged it. Just like, eh, you know, eh, meh. And he's like, do you thank the Lord?

And I was like, whoa. That's direct. He sounded like a prosecutor. Right. You didn't leave me an out, dude. I was trying to be polite. He's like, wait a minute. I was going foreclosed here, and you didn't give it. You're not supposed to look down and mad at me.

So give me the moment. You do thank the Lord in the famous quote you said. No, I'm actually an atheist. And then I laughed so hard. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. It's just... It was comical. It was ridiculous.

One, he was asking it, and two, he had no idea. Like, none. He looked dumbfounded. If you look, he dances a little. He's like, oh! You know, like a little awkward dance. It's goofy. But you were sweet about it. You go, I have nothing against people who do have faith.

Well, I felt bad. I felt bad. Clearly, he's like, oh! He did look like a smacked fucking punk, and there's nothing that makes me happier than watching that fucking guy look like a clown, regardless of whether I agree with it or not. The fact that I did, I was happy to see that. You don't expect that out of Oklahoma tornado survivors.

Yeah, I gave him a pass like, oh, you know, it's okay. And then he closes the interview. Does he seem embarrassed at all afterwards? No, no, he's like, you did a great job. Oh, Anders is really sweet. Bye. But his, but the woman, okay. So his producers, he's really sweet.

His producers are uptight, like totally uptight. And I know, I know. You're putting on a national broadcast. You got to be uptight. That's their personality. I wouldn't ever want to be friends with them because they're crazy. But like, so at the beginning, you know, you know they were like oh we have to deal with this mother with a child oh he's screaming about these balls how do we fix this oh give them the

microphone oh you know like they were clearly annoyed with the idea that they had to deal with this at all but after the interview like the woman came up and she like shook me while holding my child like she's shaking me and she's like you're gonna go to go viral. And I thought, right, right. And I thought, well, it was a sweet story, but I didn't think it was that great. You know, I didn't even know, you know. You didn't even think the atheist thing was an issue? Well, you know, like it was in the back of my mind, but it was like 17 seconds out of like nine minutes of the interview. So small amount after talking for a really long time.

interview yeah so yeah although now and after talking for a really long time and so but i i knew it was in my mind enough that whenever i called my husband later and told him about the interview he was like yeah how'd it go i was like you know he has something weird at the end he asked if i thank the lord and then he's like oh what did you say and i was like, I told him I was atheist. He's like, oh, you said that on TV. My grandparents were watching that. And I was like, well, okay, well, we should probably tell your dad. Because our parents didn't know. It's not something we were just like. I mean, we clearly didn't go to church, and we clearly weren't doing all kinds of things,

but we never said we are atheists. Yeah, people in the UK and I have a lot of listeners over there are flabbergasted that this would even be an issue. Well, you know, I gotta tell you, like, for me, my mom's Spanish Catholic, and I just don't feel like

having her cry about it or spend her time worried about it. I just don't feel like having my mom go through that. I mean, like, yeah, I'll be honest. And if she was to ask me, you know, like, are you an atheist? I'm not going to lie about it. You know, and any time that she asked me if I went to church,

I'm like, ha-ha, you're so funny, no, you know, or whatever. But, you know, I just didn't feel like having her feel emotions that she didn't need to feel. Like, it doesn't change anything. Yeah, but I'm saying people would be, you know. The idea of hiding it is just ridiculous. Yeah, that being an atheist is anything other than fine. Just being an Aries. Yeah.

I'm an atheist over there. They've never been to Oklahoma. No. I would love to see them go to Oklahoma and then just like proudly declare things and just see how it goes. Because they're so vocal about being jerks about it. The Oklahoma Atheists will have something during the Halloween parade. They'll do a little thing. And then local news people will edit them out.

Just them. That's got to be illegal or something. I Facebooked that you were going to be on if people had any questions. And someone said, you know that the Degrass? Neil Degrass Tyson. Yeah. That interview, they cut out a bunch of shit when they played it in Oklahoma? They did.

They cut out. It was very short, but it was everything having to do with evolution. Wow. Just cut it out because they censored that stuff because the people over there, you know. Yeah, it's really creepy. You feel the oppression in your car, just seeing billboards and bumper stickers.

Oh, and crosses that are like taller than any building. Billboards, you are going to hell. What? Really? Yeah, it's weird. I'm so glad to not be there anymore. I spent way too much time there. Like way more than I ever would have. Well, you were there for six years.

Yeah. And you did go viral. And everyone in the world sent to me clips. But it wasn't until a mutual friend sent me the clip uh john joe bear down in uh lafayette louisiana uh he said hey look at what my friend did and i'd already seen the clip and fucking loved it i was jumping off the couch oh baby you're gonna see this but then when he said i my friend did this i'm like you know this? And that's when we thought let's do a fundraiser because the whole time CNN's

running the crawlers. Text Red Cross. People thought it was like fake. People thought, oh, that was a plan or she's not real or like all kinds of stuff. Oh, yeah. There was conspiracy theories abound. There's still conspiracy theories. Like people post like, it's clearly a green screen. It's just like, what? Yeah, like CNN

is promoting an atheist. Like there wasn't enough destruction to put a car in front of out there. You know, like, let's green screen this. It's just what you said. Yeah, they're promoting atheism on the liberal CNN. Yeah. I read a bunch of those.

Wow. Yeah. Wait. Forces of spiritual darkness. That's what I got called bunch of those. Wow. Yeah. Wait. Forces of Spiritual Darkness. That's what I got called by Glenn Beck. Ah, yeah. Yeah, Glenn Beck. Wow.

Yes. Yeah. That was good. Yes. Well, originally, you had put something up on Twitter just saying someone should do this idea. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then you were just like, fuck this.

I can actually do this. So you took it down. Yeah, I tweeted, someone should do this because I have ideas and I don't follow through ever. You know what would be really funny? And then we just get off on, wouldn't it be really funny? So I tweeted it hoping someone would actually do it and then I didn't get any responses quick enough.

And I'm like, fuck it, I can figure out one of those Kickstarter-y things. So we went to Indiegogo and I got Emory Emory. He has an Atheist podcast and he emailed the Dawkins people. Skeptically yours. Skeptically yours. Good. I should

have had that in my notes. But yeah, he got in touch with Penn Jillette and the Dawkins Foundation. So by morning we had it up and running, and everyone tweeted it. And yeah, we set a goal of $50,000. The idea was to have a fundraiser. Fuck the Red Cross and all the victims and going through channels.

Let's do a fundraiser just for that one chick. It's just the idea of a big, giant cardboard chick showing up on her lawn when everyone else is still finding their fucking panties in the bushes. I got to tell you, it was a shining light through so much shit. Because every single time, I would be spending hours going through my baby's belongings and throwing all the stuff I cared about away. And then I'd just be like, I think I'm going to look online. Oh, yeah.

There's a shining light. Because anytime it's like, well, what the fuck am I going to do now? I'd be like, oh, it's going to be fine. Yeah, at some point. Because there's no way to get a hold of you. Even though we have a mutual friend, you didn't even have a cell phone anyway.

No one knows where you are. I wasn't checking anything anyway. I'm going to spend my time on Gmail after my house got hit. Nobody could reach me. I figured you're in a FEMA trailer somewhere. I didn't have your permission to do this and I figured who's going to bitch?

That would be a real dick. But our goal was $50,000 in 60 days and we ended up reaching the $50,000 in 17 hours. That's crazy. Yeah, that's wild. And yeah, by the end it was just

like $200 over the median cost of a home in Moore, Oklahoma. Yeah. $125,000, roughly. No, $125,000. Yeah, $125,000. Yeah. And it was,

we had such a fucking blast. We were on the computer just refresh, refresh, refresh. Oh man, no, I did the same thing. I couldn't help it. We hit our goal before I think I ever talked to you. Yeah, no, you did. Well, nobody could reach me.

People have been trying to, like several people. I think Emery did and even Jonathan Showbear, but I wasn't checking anything. I was, you know, in the shit. Yeah. And so I would get one or two emails from,

like if I saw one go by that was like my best friend or something, I'd be like, okay, I should open that. And one of them was his girlfriend from college

who was my best friend and roommate and she was just like, yeah, Jonathan says he like knows somebody and they're raising money for you. I don't know how much I can believe about that because it's Jonathan, whatever.

That's what she said. I was like, oh, maybe I should contact him. Well, you also had the Oklahoma Atheist Society selling t-shirts. Yeah. Well, I think that was free, okay. Yeah, yeah. I felt like, oh, shit, now I'm stepping on their dick,

and they printed up a bunch of T-shirts, and I feel like I'm stealing their thunder. They weren't going to print them until after. Oh, really? Yeah, so they didn't print them for a long time or anything like that. Yeah, it got a little weird in the middle of that because you saw a lot of agendas coming out. Oh, yeah.

Like the guy from the Dawkins foundation sent an email going hey sean faircloth yeah yeah yeah he sent me some like cunty email to me and emory saying hey oh claiming full responsibility for raising the money and with numbers of how much was raised after he tweeted it and he wanted credit like we should publicly address him. The thing just started. At some point, I'll write an update. Yeah, it was funny. He actually, he's a strange guy. But he sent me some message about meeting Richard Dawkins.

I was like, dude, my house just got hit by a tornado. It's not on my list of things to do. Yeah, you weren't even trying to further an agenda. You were answering a simple question in a polite way. You weren't out there with the atheist flag in your hand. No, no. It was almost resistantly, right? You looked like you had to consider it.

I wasn't going to not answer the question, but it took me a second and I'm like, shit. And who expects to be asked that? I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie about it. And also, I wasn't going to say, you know, just no. That sounds, like, totally weird. Like, do you think the Lord?

No. I got to give a reason. But you became this. What was the movie where Laura Dern plays the pregnant paint huffer? We're all making faces. What? I almost have the name of the movie. It's something where she becomes a pawn

between the pro-life and the pro-choice. Did you ever see that flick? I don't think I have. Anyway, you became that. He'll find it. You became this figure where everyone's like, oh, we need you to be a spokesman for atheism. Well, right.

I had a lot of people contact me. And basically, almost all of them, I was just like, contact me again in two weeks. And if they did, then I'd say contact me again in two weeks because I just had shit to do. Like, I'm sorry if you need me to do whatever. My house just got hit. I have a two-year-old or a one-year-old.

And that is just like, you know, if you're still interested in two weeks, then whatever. When I finally talked to you on the phone, oh, Citizen Ruth. That's the movie. Yeah, if you saw it. You'll have to watch it. When I first talked to you,

you said to me that, almost apologetically, listen, I don't really consider myself, I'm an atheist, but I don't feel like I have any kinship with other atheists just because. Right, I didn't know who you were. I was like, I'm sure that people, like, know who you are if they're doing

the atheist thing, but I'm just an atheist. Yeah, and I said, I feel the same way. I don't give a shit. I don't even like people with kids. I just did this for you because I thought it'd be funny. I had a smile on my face. Yeah, it was it worked out beautifully.

So everyone wants to know because there was a lot of people that sent a little bit of money. Mostly it was $25 donations and $50 donations. So there were a lot of people that also thought it was funny25 donations and $50 donations.

So there were a lot of people that also thought it was funny to do that. So yeah, they want to know, what did you do with the money? I moved out of Oklahoma. I got the fuck out. People are clapping in their cars right now. Oh, man. Oh, man. Awesome.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for getting me on it. Because I don't know if we would have been able to do it. Because, you know, like, the house prices in Seattle, they're like... So you bought a house in Seattle? Yeah. That's where... Yes. We're outside of Tacoma. But, yeah, it's crazy. I mean, because it rocks to live there,

and it sucks to live in Oklahoma. And, you know, the prices reflect that. That was one of the reasons that you got stuck in Oklahoma is, well, it's so... Yeah, it's a good place. You live so cheap. It's cheap, and you prices reflect that. That was one of the reasons that you got stuck in Oklahoma. Well, it's so much cheaper to live so cheap. It's cheap, and you can build up and then get out. It's a good place to just build and build and build because everything's cheap, and then you just put all your money into equity and house, and then whenever you get out,

you have a good down payment to go somewhere that doesn't suck. Six years is a long prison sentence in Oklahoma waiting for the suck. Well, there was only two years left. It was two years to go. So we got it. But, you know, every single moment was like, oh, it sucks. Because everything there sucks.

The education system sucks. My son, you know, we had to get out before he was in school. And then, you know, the politics suck. The people, most of them suck. Did you know any of your neighbors? Yeah, across the street I knew the neighbors. I sound like this because they lost their daughter. Yikes.

Jesus took their daughter. They didn't lose them. It was shoplifted by the... I feel good about... Did you think the Lord was bad? Well, you know, they might still believe in God, but they certainly don't believe

in Oklahoma politics anymore. Like, they are now... She's outspoken about how much she can't believe that their governor there still won't put shelters in Oklahoma schools. Like, her kid died at school,

and the governor is still fighting putting shelters to protect the kids. If you send them off to school, they might just die. And that's okay. If they ain't strong in their faith, it's their own goddamn fault.

It's God's will. I'm being quiet on this because most of my family is from Oklahoma. I hope you guys didn't know. I'm so glad to be out of there. It's shitty. Yeah, no, I was. I know you don't. It's one of the first questions you ask.

You're just like, okay, so I got to ask this. But, you know, you were worried about offending me. You're like, you're going to get out, right? And it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I was. No, I was worried that making such a production out of this, you'd have

a hard time living in your neighborhood. Oh, like it's destroyed. And that's what I say. I go, are you going to get a lot of backlash? Because I am kind of using you. I don't know you. I did this because it's a funny thing for me. And it's a nice thing to do. But I was not at any point going

oh that poor girl in her house like there's a million stories of all day long is some poor fuck in their things there are problems on cnn it wasn't like yours was a heartwarming story it's a very funny like turn of events and i thought hey let's double down and make this funnier and you win. Everyone wins. And I get out of Oklahoma. Then I'm thinking, I haven't really thought this through.

What if I'm really fucking up her life? I'm helping her financially. Everyone is. But maybe the whole neighborhood turns on her because of this. And her life is unlivable. And I haven't considered her. So I asked you sheepishly.

And you're like, I'm not staying here. No. That's insane. That's totally insane. Anybody who rebuilt, especially on the same place, I'm just like, you're totally insane. Crazy. That's just crazy.

You don't have to hit me with lightning twice. But it's obviously you can't just pack up and go okay off to Seattle like the

Beverly Hillbillies. That would have been so nice. Fucking Tom Jode car. Grapes of wrath. Yeah instead I

had to like figure out you know what Seattle neighborhoods are like and blah blah blah. So where were you in the

meantime? In Norman, Oklahoma. But the insurance was like, they'll pay for a rental place with rental furniture and rental everything, like rental towels and rental dishes for a year so that you can have time to figure out what you're going to do. And so we did that until we found a house. And so it's nice, but then you're like at square one again. You move and you're like,

oh, we just have the clothes on our backs and whatever shit we've acquired in a couple of months or whatever. So it was back to square one suddenly. There's got to be some of that that's freeing. I want to believe that. It is. Oh, yeah. I would definitely be like your husband. If there were some brush fires coming towards my house, I'd be like, fuck it, let it burn.

Because it just seems like a nightmare. Well, right. I used to be more attached to crap. You know? And it's really nice to not just be like, oh, well. You know? Hey, good time for a plug. March 25th starts my eBay virtual yard sale

where I'm getting rid of a whole crawl space worth of dumb shit that I won't get rid of because we don't get tornadoes down here. So I'm selling about 25 different leisure suits. Unfortunately, we don't get any tornadoes down here. Lightning will never strike this dump, and I'd be happy if it did. You just have to say it louder so the gods will hear you. We don't have God down here. I know.

Not since we passed the gay marriage amendment. You know, it's funny that Oklahomans are so into God because he's trying to wipe them off the face of the planet. The size of the tornadoes there being like a mile wide. Just think about it. It's huge. Just think about it. It's huge. New Orleans is the one that baffles me. Katrina.

Yeah. Well, they also live below sea level. Exactly. Why don't we live in a giant bowl? Sea levels are rising. I don't know if it's because of, you know, fucking hairspray or, you know, burning tires. I don't know what.

But that's indisputable. Yeah, we're going to rebuild. Okay, I'm not going to support that one. No. Yeah, how about you rebuild New Orleans like in central Nevada? I just I'll move to there's a bunch of land. It's dry. You make gumbo there.

Just move the whole city. Rebuild it somewhere else. It's not going to sink. Yeah. But yeah, Oklahoma, no one deserves to live there. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Did you buy anything dumb?

People were going to want to know. Did we buy anything dumb? Silly stuff. Oh, let me think. With your fun money. I'm sure I did yes sir my kids talking

do you edit this out this gets edited there's no need to edit that out I got a two year old in my house and I like it was so weird to see a kid that size because my dogs went up to him.

And I'm like, wow, my dogs are bigger than this kid. We've never seen a two-year-old kid. Well, at our house. At our house, yeah. Like the stuff that I'm not – I don't buy a lot of stuff. I hate having stuff, especially pulling more stuff into my house. Like I'm now a minimalist. I don't want to bring anything in my house because now that we got like a fresh start, it's just like, no.

No, I don't want to buy anything. I don't want to buy anything. It's so clean and fresh in here. That's what we try to do with the other place you'll be staying tonight is, uh, yeah, we'll be, cause we're fucking hoarders. Right. I totally was too. I was just like, no,

I got that rainbow bright when I was like five, I can't throw it away. It's fucking rainbow bright. I wanted it so bad when I was five, you know, and now, you know, I got blown away and now it's just like,

I'm not going to buy a bunch of shit. Yeah. But I like, I like going places. So I'm now where I'm just like, I'm going to drive down. You're a road tripper. Yeah, we're in Bisbee. You drove from?

From Puyallup. Yeah, I think it was like 1,800 miles. I would not buy the house in Puyallup just because I wouldn't want to have to try to say that. Oh, my husband said the same thing. He's just like, I'm never going to learn to say it intentionally. I'm going to live in Pup Pup. And I was like, okay, tell your neighbors you live in Pup Pup. And he's like, I don't give a fuck.

I'm going to say Pup Pup. Pull me up. Pull you up. There's a million in Seattle. It's especially bad. All these, yeah. Sammamish is where my tour manager lives. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I know. I'm not saying Sammamish. It's like making me say moons over Miami. You just say sandwich. I'm not ordering that. I'm not getting the rooty-tooty, fresh and fruity fucking. But for my kid, though, because he needs shit. I have to buy him stuff.

He's a kid. He needs stuff. So now I, you know, like I used to sit there and, you know, try to find things. But instead I'm, at this point I'm just like, you know what?

I've always wanted you to have that. I'm going to buy that. You know, you know, like, so I have this like cool kitchen thing for him and he could pretend to cook with all this Play-Doh and everything like that. And he'll get his frying pan out and turn all the switches and stuff.

And it's nice to, you's nice for him to have these things that I always was just like, I would buy that. It's kind of a stupid thing to buy. And I'm like, fuck it. I'm going to buy him the thing I always wanted him to have. That's great. Yeah, it is nice.

I did ask my, I hate to say fans. Facebook followers. Yeah, followers is just equally demeaning. But you know what? Just say I asked Facebook. Like you just asked the general Facebook. So many of them deserve to be demeaned by being called fans. Because when I put up like a simple, hey, if you have any questions outside the obvious ones,

like what did you do with the money for Rebecca Witzman, put them here. It's a dumb issue. What do you scream out when you're having sex if you're an atheist? I didn't read that eight other people already posted that same fucking easy, boring old joke. Yeah, you're fans. You have followers. Well, you covered this what did Wolf say off the air pretty much nothing he didn't try to drop his hotel

key in your tit pocket if you need a place to stay I'm at the Super 8 and then someone else said what did Wolf smell like I thought that was funny. Many people said, yeah, my question, their question was, where's that fucking plane? And I ate people posted that, but it made me laugh every time.

It's not in Beijing. It's not in Beijing. Didn't quite make it to Beijing. Negativity from the neighbors. We've covered that. Actually, you know what? Some people ask that, but other people will ask, like, was there anything negative at all?

And no, everyone was nice. Even Christians who didn't know me would message me and say, I didn't know atheists were nice. You know, like they're just like, you know, I was watching your thing and i would you know i watched the whole segment and at the end whenever you said that i would have never guessed you just seemed so nice and i was like well there are a lot of nice atheists out there like you know and so uh yeah so no nobody ever was just like oh my god you know nobody they just yeah they don't go out

with atheist t-shirts on in a group and say hey we're giving these people food because they're hungry and we're atheists they're just yeah

church groups go out with yeah actually I take that back there was one person I forgot about this I was going through

Anders stuff like his in the debris and these old women were helping me and at some point they're just like so which church do you go to and I was like oh i don't go to church go to church and they said you're raising that baby without jesus and i was like they turned up what right i'm sitting there

like going through my baby's belongings like his stuff you know like this is a heart-wrenching you know thing to do it's hard you know it's stuff i really thought i was going to keep you know like just little things uh and so i was just like yep you know like what are you gonna say i'm not gonna you know i've already come out on the thing it's like whatever yep and so but they were just what they do they tried to proselytize for a long time and i was just like oh that's nice yeah you're gonna help me pick up shit pick up up shit. They were still working. They would say, you could always blah, blah, blah. I was like, oh, okay. That sounds

nice. Yeah. I'm going to go. Then I gave them a task and went and did something in another part of the house. You guys, here. If you could just lay out all of these little items of clothes, I'll go do this. Those were the only two. That was it. Again, an agenda. could just lay out all of these little items of clothes and i'll go do this but yeah those were

the only two that was it yeah again an agenda oh we're gonna help you for a reason yeah did you use any of the money you got to help any of your christian neighbors that would be a very christian of you i we looked into doing that but they were all set like they were all yeah no shit they they were all... Yeah, no shit. They own everything. Hey, we'll sell a couple churches and pay for this whole fucking state. No, no, no.

I just mean, like, you know, they had a lot of other people doing fundraisers for them and stuff like that, you know, because, like, one of them lost the mom and the other lost the daughter. You know, they had people

raising money for them, too. So, but we... But I did help somebody who was in a tornado a week later, like, who lost everything, and FEMA wasn't going to declare it an emergency or a disaster or anything. So she just lost her stuff and was just like, well, forget you, whatever, you know.

That was someone that had been in Katrina asked how long it took for you to get set up with housing and whatnot, because he said it was a week. Well, my brother lived around there, so I just went into his spare room until our insurance took care of it. So we didn't do FEMA at all. We just thought, leave FEMA for people who need it. My brother's here, whatever.

So we didn't even apply. So you get along with your brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't some okie that says, you know, you always come calling back every time I'm leaving college and I need a place to stay or I'm in a tornado

and you always come calling back. No, I don't think he's an atheist and I think he used to be agnostic, but he might. I think he might be Krishna. Lyle, I don't know. Sorry, Lyle. Did you become a star with your family?

I don't know what your family's like, but where I grew up, if you were on CNN, oh, the family would be bustling about it. Did you see Doug? He was on the news. Did you get shit from your family? I got some stuff. We went to a family reunion.

There were like 68 Mormons there, and they were very curious. They were just like family reunion. There were like 68 Mormons there. And they were very curious. They were just like, okay. But they were Mormons, so they were all nice about it. They're just like, you were on the news. We saw you. There's like a big elephant in the room, and none of them would talk about it.

It's almost like you're a free agent. Because religions never fuck with other religions. If a Jehovah's Witness came to my door and I said I'm Protestant or Roman Catholic, they'd probably go, okay, you're already signed with someone. You're taken. Yeah. But if you say I don't believe, oh, oh, he's on the market. There's no ring on that finger, motherfucker. Yeah, you would think that they'd get equal abuse.

Oh, Lutheran, you're going to hell.utheran you're going to hell you know you're gonna burn in hell with that jesus wrong jesus i have an uncle-in-law who is actually a very very outspoken tea party activist and i expected him to be you know funky around me but he was like overly nice like he was just like i saw you on glenn beck and i just thought it was the nicest thing or whatever saw me being talked about on Glenn Beck. And I was like, did you even watch it? It was called Forces of Spiritual Darkness. Like, that's

nice. Well, whatever, you know. That's great. Your neighbors, everyone, nice emails. Hey, I didn't know atheists were nice. Glenn Beck is the one that comes out and character assassinates you. Yeah. But I had friends who posted on my page, just like, if Glenn Beck has a conspiracy theory about you,

then you're doing something right. That's true. Yeah, no, it's fantastic to be noticed. Most of the other questions that weren't just stupid shitheads were mostly about atheism and I wasn't even going to bring it up, but you said that you were actually going to school. You were raised

as a Catholic. I was voted most likely to become a nun when I was like in 11th grade. I was because I was like the designated driver who was getting fucked up and I was just like, I'll drive you around, whatever. I was still there. I was at the party,. I was getting fucked up and I was just like, I'll drive you around, whatever. I was still there. I was at the party.

But I didn't do anything. Somebody had to drive everybody around. You should have let someone finger you. Might have been cooler. You're the most likely to be a nun, which you went to college. No, well, I actually, that was voted by the people in my Sunday school class.

Oh, so it wasn't even a bad thing. No, no, no. It was at Sunday school. It was in Catholic, CCD is Catholic Christian Development. It's like, who here is most likely to be a nun? Everybody vote. Who's most likely to be a nun? Who's most likely to be a priest?

And I got me and my best friend, Abby, or whatever, one of my close friends. But at school, I was voted most likely to get someone else suspended. Because at school, I guess they knew me better. Sounds like a nun. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I once – Say it.

All right. Don't whisper it. Say it. All right. Don't whisper it. One time I called a substitute teacher a bitch because I had a note from the teacher she was subbing for saying that I could leave class that day. And she's like, well, you're not.

I was like, but I have a note from the teacher who you are working for. She's like, this is my class. And she was trying to pull this bullshit on me. And I was just like, but this is from who you're working for. And then she finally was just like, sit down. You're not leaving. So I sat down. I said, bitch.

And then she's like, bring me your ID. I'm writing you up. And I knew that I had lost my ID a long time ago, and I had found one on the ground. And it was like a temporary ID, so I didn't have a picture or anything. And I just gave her that ID and let her write up whoever the fuck that was you know it didn't say anything and then whenever people were coming in i was like you guys she's gonna call roll shh i'm not gonna say here i was just like just tell everybody i'm not here i'm just you know and everybody played along when she called my name i didn't say anything so she marked me absent you know or whatever she didn't realize she never

called the name on the little bit that she had just written up or whatever and then I went on my way and so like a couple weeks later I got called to the office because they finally figure out what happened whenever they're trying to suspend that other girl so I got called in and they're like so did you and I was like yeah but she was being a bitch I don't think I said bitch

to the principal but I basically was just like she didn't want to hear anything I had to say so I didn't say anything at all

alright so you went to college for theology or some shit well I okay so Jesus

I was a math major but somewhere in there I decided, like, this God thing wasn't making any sense. And so I was taking all these classes and I decided to change

my major to humanities. And I'm curious, you went to Catholic high school and all that. No, no, I went to a regular high school, but I was still raised Catholic. But you're doing

Sunday school-y shit. Yeah. But how much of it school-y shit. Yeah. But how much of it was actually talking about faith, or is it just memorizing? You go to school for dumb shit anyway, and you memorize 1776 and Abraham Lincoln. I think I believe because there was a point in 11th grade where I cried because I was absolutely certain I was definitely going to hell. And I thought I was going to hell because I honestly thought that I didn't believe it. I was sitting there and I was just like, I just don't think it's real, so I'm going to burn. I know it because I know I don't believe.

So I cried about it. I was so upset about it I was so upset I was just like I can't force myself to think that this is true I was so upset Because I was just like Now I'm going to burn because I don't believe this How many people are in shitty relationships

By the same logic Where they go oh well I made a vow And we said I must love him, but I don't feel anything. But I must. Oh, maybe. Oh, no.

I just don't know what love feels like is my problem. Yeah. Yeah. It was kind of like that. It was just, you know, I was so sure that I was doing something wrong. Like they had convinced me that I was the one who was wrong. You know?

Instead of just thinking about things. Like instead of, yeah. Instead they're just like, oh, if you have those thoughts in your head, then you're just going to burn in a fiery lake. And so I was just like, shit. Where did you grow up? Louisiana. Mostly.

Louisiana, Mississippi. School. Yeah. So it was pretty thick even when you were a kid. Oh, yeah. Oh, big time. Yeah. You know, I've met kids who are Anders age.

They're like two years old and they know the concept of hell. How terrifying. Like I can't even imagine him thinking that there's like some hellfire. He's going to burn and if he does something wrong. It is hugely abusive. Yeah, I think so. You know, luckily I know the Mormons don't do that. Like they don't have hell.

They just have lower heavens. It's like a Section 8 heaven. Yeah, and we all get to go. Even if you don't believe and you're not a Mormon, you just go to heaven, especially if you're not a Mormon. If they have a tornado in heaven, they move you to the rental lower heaven for as long as your insurance will cover the rental towels.

Right. But yeah, kids his age. for as long as your insurance will cover the rental towels. Right. Yeah. But yeah, like kids his age. I can't imagine that kind of crazy shit being in his head already. Yeah. It's a cute kid. It's really horrifying for me to have a kid, especially that young, at my house.

All I know is there's a liability issue around every fucking corner of this estate. I say as though it's some mammoth property, but yeah, he's walking on the, like the, like an alleged. Yeah.

There's a, there's a ledge in the lawn where it's about three feet or something. Yeah. And the kids above a foot. So three feet is like a Yeah, and the kid's above a foot. So three feet is like a long way for him to fall. And you're just watching him like every corner of a coffee table. I got a cat with a dislocated hip.

And oh, don't pet that cat there. That cat will... The cat's as big as that kid. The cat's actually... If you stretch the cat out, it's way bigger than that two-year-old kid. And if that cat, you poke him on the bad hip, he's going to, jaws are going to chomp into that kid's face. He can't kill him. I just see every.

It's okay. If he doesn't die, it's all right. Like you were seeing death running out of the tornado. Oh, yeah. I'm seeing that kid fall into everything, stab himself with everything. Welcome to the world of having a two-year-old around.

That's what most parents are like. I'm kind of past that a little bit. If it doesn't look like it'll kill him, then I'm like, if he'll just get a little injured, he needs to learn. He needs to hurt himself a couple of times. Yeah, that doesn't help me, though. Do you want to come say hi?

Say hi. We knew Ichabod didn't like kids initially, but I thought he'd chill out, but doesn't help me though. Do you want to come say hi? Say hi. My dog, which we knew Ichabod didn't like kids initially, but I thought he'd chill out, but he hasn't. No, Ichabod hates kids. The kid walks by Ichabod, he starts going,

rrrrrr. No, you have to say hi, sweetie. Can you say hi? Or can you say, wah, wah, wah? Say it. No, in here. You have to say it.

Don't you give me the Wolf Blitzer shit. I say talk on the mic. Can you sing ABCs? ABC. One, two, three. What's your name? You know what?

If you give him the headphones, he'll talk because he loves the sound of his own voice. You're right. And he's a prick. You're a prick that won't share your apples, aren't you? Take you to dinner, you won't share one apple with me. Can I have one of your berries? No. No. You're a prick that won't share your apples, aren't you? Take you to dinner, you won't share one apple with me. Hey, can I have one of your berries? No. No.

You don't? You want Mom to hear that? Can you say it? No. You should have a kid on every podcast. Yes. Say hello. No.

No. What are you watching on your dumb iPad? What are you watching on the iPad? Thomas. Thomas? What is Thomas? What color is Thomas? Blue.

What number is Thomas? One. Hey, do you want to play with all the buttons on our... What do you call that? The mixing board? They left me alone with this. Don't let them touch that. Seriously. What color is it?

That's why I grabbed his hand. What color is this? Thomas is number one. Thomas is number one. Okay. Thomas is number one. Hey, have you ever heard the expression cutting room floor? Yeah. It's funny.

I have a pretty good picture of him walking around with a dislocated foot. What's that? I said I have a pretty good picture of him in your yard walking around with a dislocated foot. Oh, yeah, yeah. Pants down. Your pants fell down. What happened to your pants? Pants.

Uh-oh. Pants down. Your pants fell down. Uh-oh, what happened to your pants? Made you a little cocktail. It's called the panty dropper. Little kids are not allowed to have their pants off around this compound. He wants to go inside.

Derek, Derek's got it. Good. Yeah, now you're You're saved You're in Seattle which is what you always wanted I'm saved Thank the atheist And yeah

So now you're just driving around the Country with the kids That's just what I am country with the kid. Right. That's just what I am. That's the stuff I like to do. His life is just going to be like that. I'll have pictures of him probably throughout his life in different countries and stuff like that. I just like to do that. That's great.

Yeah. Whenever I graduated from high school, I bought a ticket to Europe without telling my parents. I bought a ticket to Europe without telling my parents. And then like the day before I was supposed to leave, I was just like, by the way, I'm flying to Germany tomorrow. And then I left and then I didn't communicate with him at all.

Like, I think like five days after I had left, I go and I checked my email, like at an internet cafe. This is in 2001. And this is even before like 9-11 and everything and uh i had like tons of messages from my mom and i didn't open almost any of them until the last couple and at the end it's just like send me a sun sign you're alive you know and so i said her just i am alive and like said. Apparently she called everybody in the house over.

Like, she said something. Come, come. And like my brothers got a kick out of that. It's just, I am alive. And they were just like rolling around and teasing mom the rest of the time I was gone. Yeah, I love that you count the states that the kid's been to. He's like two and a half or something? Yeah, he's two and a half and he's been to 21.

And he'll hit Nevada on the way back. I'm going to show you the roads. I get the road atlas. I call. I can't wait. I refer to the road atlas as the Bible. If I say, where's the Bible? Yeah.

I'm so like that. I love the back roads. Like, get off the interstate. It's nothing to see. That's how I found this place. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, I have road atlases everywhere. The big trucker atlases. Yeah, I have them too. Yeah, yeah. I have road atlases everywhere. The big trucker

atlases. Yeah, I have them too. I have a couple in my trunk. I could thumb through that like it's a SkyMall catalog. It never gets boring to me. Maps? Yeah, well, no. It's the same with travel. I get the itch. I know exactly how you're going home.

You're going through Tonopah, up through Goldfield, Nevada, Tonopah, up through Hawthorne. I'm exactly how you're going home. You're going through Tonopah up through Goldfield, Nevada, Tonopah up through Hawthorne. I'm so excited because Nevada is the one... I've only been to... What is it? Winstrip or something? You just cross over from... You take 80 and then you hit the...

From which state? From Utah. Oh, not Winnemucca. That was the first gig I played when I moved... When I lived on the first gig I played when I moved, when I lived on the road. I lived on the road for three years where I'm giving up my apartment.

I'm just going to keep my shit in my car and I'm gig to gig and hit couches. And that was the first Wendover. Wendover, that's it. Yeah, that's the only place that I've been though in Nevada at all. So I need to hit Nevada. I'm ready to experience Nevada.

Oh, it's fantastic. I can even get you. Maybe you can stop in and bring the kid to the bunny ranch. Dennis Hoff will hook up a two-year-old with some free pussy. Let's get this birds and the bees thing out of the way. At least get mom and I off breastfeeding. Oh, yeah. Why'd you have to throw that in my lap?

It's not only creepy enough that some kid is about to stab himself on some tetanus flats I have for a compound. But then he's allergic to citrus and I offered you a mimosa and you go, I can't have the orange juice because I'm still breastfeeding. I'm like, that kid

can make sentences. I mean, they're dumb, but they're still sentences. Right. Thomas is blue. Yeah, Thomas is blue. Hey, I'm thirsty. Look, Mama Hand. Since he can talk, has he ever questioned the veracity

or the... This is sour. Sour this time. No, no, no, no. And I'm sure he never will. Like, it seems like it's just sweet, sweet never. Like if a kid was breastfeeding and then said something about it, that's just not.

He's never said anything. He only has to do it at night and it's only for about two minutes so that it's like part of the routine. Like, I don't think he's even getting anything out of it. This sounds like a molestation scenario. I've met people who never nurse until they're like five, which I will not do.

I'm pretty sure he's basically weaned at this point because like two minutes every other day, meh, you know, he's going to stop any time now. He used to, like two months ago, he was still nursing like an hour and a half. I mean 30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes in the middle of the day, and 30 minutes at night.

And now he's down to two minutes throughout the whole day. Whatever. But still, after two and a half years, your nipples have to be so incredibly blown out. Only Wolf Blitzer knows for sure. It doesn't change your nipples at all. I'll just say that. Only Wolf Blitzer would know.

I think I left some Tic Tacs in the center console. Go right ahead. Keep breastfeeding. Don't find me. I'm perfectly cool with breastfeeding. It's a natural act. Watching is natural. Actually, we'd be more dramatic about it.

This just in. He's always everything. Breaking news. He does say always, everything, breaking news. He does say that. Always. Breaking news. Everything is just the most important thing.

We will be right back on The Situation Room. I can't do impressions, but it's always, I have to turn it off when I... Oh my gosh. Did you ever see

The Young Turks, what they did with that? Where they said, you know, he's usually like a robot. You know, like, do you thank the Lord? You know, like he's just... Yeah, it's kind of like that, though. He's robotic

on the television. Yeah, he's kind of embarrassing. This just in. I'm a wolf with a surf. Everything is going to be exactly the way it was yesterday. The only one I can really stomach... I like Anderson Cooper. I saw him.

He was like 15 feet away during the interview or whatever. Well, you named Anders your son after Anderson Cooper, which is a fact that we pretty much verified through editing with you right now. All right. I think you have a radio show now, so you actually have become somewhat of an atheist icon. Yeah, well, I'm basically infinitely Google-able now, so whatever, I'll just do it.

Yeah, you want me to talk to this? Yeah, I'm a talker. I like talking. So I met the Ask an Atheist people while they were on the road. They were in Oklahoma, and we just hit it off, like drinking a beer at a bar or whatever after the show. And then they heard I was going up, moving up there. And they're just like, oh, yeah, we should try you out on the radio. And then they just really liked me on the radio.

They're just like, yes, this is awesome. You like talking. You're like, you don't freeze up. And so, yeah, now I do that like once a month or whatever. Oh, cool. Yeah. And I've seen you. Yeah.

Is it a podcast? Is it internet radio? Some of it's live. No. I don't even know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't. Well, no, it's live. It's a live radio show.

People can call in. But it's not terrestrial radio. Internet radio. No. It it's not terrestrial radio. Internet radio. No, it's over the airwaves and then they'll put it on the internet and thousands of people around the world download it or whatever. So go to askanatheist.com

Dot TV. They used to be a television show and then they went... Is Ichabod and a kid in the same place? My dog doesn't like children. The smaller they are, the more he hates them. Bite-sized. Bite-sized children.

Yeah. Bingo. Derek's got it. Come back. We'll wrap this up. So, yeah, askanatheist.tv. Right. this up so yeah ask an atheist dot TV right you can see her just driving around the country with her kids blowing your money all that dumb atheist scratch I was I was doing that way before I ever had any money that's just my life I like yeah traveling. Yeah, but I don't think anyone would,

anyone that I know that gave you a single nickel. Would be upset about. People, when I asked questions, people were saying, tell her I hope she spent her money on Coke and weed. Yeah, those are my people. Coke, whores, and a babysitter. Yeah, that's right. If you blew every nickel,

my audience would be very happy to hear it. Yeah. I'm fantastic. I'm playing in Seattle. You texted me that you were just like, I want to tell everybody that you spent it all on magic beans. We're playing I considered saying that once or twice

because how many times are people going to say how did you spend the money? I'm ready to be like magic beans whatever. I blew it all I just gave it to some stranger Bernie Madoff is turning it into billions for me.

I got it in a big pile and burnt it. Whatever. Donated to various churches. Seattle is mine, honey. Yeah, we're playing Seattle coming up. Check DougStanhope.com. I don't plug my own shit often enough, but yeah, that's where the tour dates are.

We'll be everywhere eventually, so get on the mailing list, and hopefully you're around when we play Seattle. We'll make sure to be. Seattle. I think it's I think I think it's booked. Should be June or something. Yeah, we're doing the whole West Coast kind of a pseudo shit town tour west. We're playing a lot of the places we avoid, like Bakersville. All right.

The kids back. That means that this show is wrapped up. We're going to go feed a two year old to my dog, Ichabod. All right. Say a's back. That means this show is wrapped up. We're going to go feed a two-year-old to my dog, Ichabod. All right, say a prayer for Meatwig. Keep him in your prayers for this bad hip. Oh, that's a weird way to close the Atheist Show. I don't know. Jesus.

If you want to buy dumb shit, the Doug Stanhope virtual eBay yard sale. Quick heads up, most of the stuff on the Doug Stanhope virtual eBay yard sale is wrapping up April 1st and 2nd, so sneak in there quick. Get this shit out of my crawl space. Play the Matoid. Play the Matoid! Thanks for listening! and Buy the Mat Toy, both available on iTunes. Check out all of Doug's road dates at dougstanhope.com. Thanks for listening. Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time.

Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fuck, six party time

Party time Party time Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time!