The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EPISODE #25: Last Gasp Road Stories and Listener Questions

Episode Date: April 18, 2014

Description: Currently on the LAST GASP tour, Doug goes over show incidents, merch booth etiquette and reads listener questions. This podcast sponsored by Mati Hari's in Savannah, GA and The Underbelly in Jacksonville, FL. Also, find out where hard working comedian Louis Katz is performing.Recorded Apr 14, 2014 on the road at the Days Inn in Pensacola, FL with Doug Stanhope, Greg Chaille and Bingo. Produced and Edited by Greg Chaille @gregchaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Take a moment to signup for the mailinglist at dougstanhope.com.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la thing I liked about you in the end. La la la. Better now than never. We are in Pensacola, Florida. Somewhere on this Last Gasp tour that is interminable. I thought we were doing 25 shows.

It turns out we're doing like 32 or 33. Maybe it's a six-week tour. I don't know. We're right in the middle of somewhere. This is our first night off after an eight-city run with no breaks, just driving every day. Last night in Pensacola, we almost got fucking killed in a darkened parking lot

by the gig. A lot of these places we play, you're going, you know, it's the choice of, hey, you can take that night off or play this shithole. This is one we played last time we did a Southeast tour

in Pensacola, the Handlebar. It's a beautiful shithole. This is one we played last time we did a Southeast tour in Pensacola, the Handlebar. It's a beautiful shithole. I'd drink there. Most people would be mortified to play there. Or even walk in there. I was fine with it. This time was better than last. But still, so it's Sunday night and we go down to the gig and we park in the parking lot.

Mobile green room means I sit in a van while I'm just here with Greg Chaley, my tour manager. And he goes in and starts off the show and gets the locals cranked up and telling jokes and then comes back out to find me in the van where I have my own little mini bar sitting there with tinted windows. At a moment's notice, we are ready for the mobile green room. Right. I mean, you have the, we sold one on the eBay garage sale. One of the travel things. You have one.

It's not a big deal. Yeah, no, I sit there and a lot of these places don't have a green room. If they do, it's some fucking mop closet that they've cleaned out and forced a recliner into. Oh yeah, we have a green room if they do it's some fucking you know mop closet that they've cleaned out and forced a recliner into go oh yeah we have a green room this is not a green room you know we don't really use it much which is fine we we adapt that's what we do on these tours i enjoy when i call your fucking bar a shithole i i i know what i'm doing it's not like I came in expecting that this was a fucking 1,500-seat Egyptian theater

and now it's this fucking Quonset hut with no air conditioning. I know that. I'm just saying we're prepared. So I'm sitting in some fucking dark parking lot a block away. Pensacola, not the prettiest fucking place on earth. In fact, after we were nearly fucking murdered by two fat fucking i hate to say tweaker doughy street toughs street tough i like that yeah because you want to say tweaker because they have all the earmarks but he was he was fat not fat but he was a man-titted, young, tough, hoodlum, street urchin dude with his friend fucked up in a

wife beater with fucking patchwork tattoos that looked like they were applied with a paintball gun from a distance because they have no symmetry. That's all I could see. It was fairly dark. Shot through a screen. You just, you see, all you see is fat, man-tit, white wife beater, young, scruffy, shaggy, Scooby-Doo fucking facial hair. And parked in the bushes, by the way. I didn't have that angle.

Let me explain. We're in a strip mall, flat strip mall. Like a doctor's office. Yeah, doctor's office strip mall, a good way to describe it. On the slow turn of the railroad tracks. Right. So it doesn't look good to begin with. It's very fucking sketchy.

And we had already, actually, we dismissed the other parking lot because there was fucking too sketchy, the black and white dude carrying plastic bags and stuff, but they were wandering around cars, and we go, yeah, let's not park here, and then that one looks safe. I thought they were doing the gas can scam where they've got something that looks like it can hold gasoline. You know, like, hey, just ran out of gas.

It's like, there's not a gas station. They just seem to be going car to car in another dark parking lot. So we thought we'd go to the safe one. The safer of the two options. So I sat in the car for a while. Chaley comes back. Hey, the show has started. So'd go to the safe one the safer of the two options so i sat in the car for a while chaley comes back hey the show started so i go to make one last we're in a no uh alcohol no no liquor liquor venue beer and wine only so i'm like fuck so i got my delta always be branding sponsored by delta fucking diamond medallion right here i get my delta travel mug i'm filling it full of uh uh a liquor drink a vodka soda and i'm so i'm leaning in the back door of the van

chaley's grabbing the merch out of the back in a roller bag so i'm leaning inside the door people come up to the back of the van where he's just pulled the merch out and these two fucking jerk offs i didn't see the other one i only i could only see the one and he i jacked you up for money how did it start because i it was like uh hey man uh yeah yeah but it was it wasn't a it was like straight into the pitch and it was like hey man you got you got like a five bucks man we got i heard i'm out of gas we're out of gas and i'm like no hey man, you got like five bucks, man. I heard I'm out of gas. We're out of gas. And I'm like, no, man, I'm headed to work. And I'm pretty sure that they never saw you because they never alluded to you.

Which is weird because the van is lit up. It's dark outside now and I'm in a door, the van's lit up where I'm, like my ass is hanging out, pouring a drink, trying to be sneaky. But there's no way any fucking sober rational person could not have noticed that there's someone else hold on yeah exactly unless you've got that uh that tunnel vision I'm gonna knife this guy or this might get into I mean they they were obviously they they weren't they were fucked

yeah but they were fucked so they they probably just weren't paying attention, they weren't. They were fucked. Yeah, they were fucked. So they probably just weren't paying attention to their surroundings. They weren't like slurring drunk to the point where you go, I can take this guy. They call it desperate. I think that's what they were. But he immediately, whatever he said, he immediately turned on you. And he's like, fuck you. I'm just trying to fucking. And you said, hey, I'm just going to work, man.

And then he said. Take me to work. Hey, you got a job for me? It's like, we're not hiring. Take me to work. At 8.45, we're not hiring. You have to come back in the morning. Well, occasionally,

I've seen Chaley's social skills at times where you go, oh, did Chaley just have that look on his face and say something fucked up to someone? If I'm Kurt, it's because time is of the essence. And you know what? You're not wrong.

And you wouldn't have been wrong, except, yeah, the guy just went, fuck you, I'm just trying to fucking, I'm hungry, and I need fucking food. I'm gonna fuck you up. I'll fuck you up. And he just, it escalated in such a minute fraction of time to, you fucking go

ahead, look at me one more time. That's where I don't think you saw what was going on. You played it smart. You were like in Jurassic Park where the transverse Rex leans down. Don't move. They base everything on moving. I didn't move. You didn't. I was standing

with my head inside the car, pouring a drink, and I still continued to make sure I had poured my travel mug full before I started looking for a weapon. If nothing else, your priorities are set. Yes. I had my drink, and our day off, we empty out the van, so anything that might be a weapon is gone. I have a plastic tray that I stole from Wendy's so I can eat a baked potato on my lap while we drive.

That's not doing any good. But the travel bar hand case, it's like a little mini, not suitcase, but a handbag of a bar. An executive bar is what they call it. Yes, if you want to google it but it's old-fashioned and it has this old-fashioned can opener the pointy kind that if you had a old can of tomato juice that you had to put two puncture holes so i got that so i get that my hand waiting for and he's like just fucking walk away and if you look back and now he's looking at our tag on the second It's the second guy that's yelling.

That's what you didn't understand. The doughy white guy, he was much taller, and he was the one who started rolling towards me, and that's when I started taking the roller bag and moving away from our car, and he said, don't look at my fucking tags.

Don't be looking at my tags. Like I was going to, like there's no amount of threat coming from me. And I'm walking away in my goofy suit with my T-shirt. You quote, hey, I don't want any trouble, man. And then I went out on the sidewalk, and I don't know why, but I couldn't leave because I didn't know if they knew you were there, but I figured they saw you, so I was just waiting for you to finish mixing your drink

so we'd get the fuck out of there. And they kept yelling, and then they threatened to take our tag down. They said, now I got your tag. I don't know if it was a tag. What was the other guy? I didn't even see the other guy. He was a dark-skinned guy. I don't know. What was the other guy? Like, I didn't even see the other guy. He was a dark skinned guy.

I don't, I couldn't tell really because. It wasn't the same black and white guy that we saw. No, no, no, no, no. He might have been, been Hispanic. But I really,

I didn't really think of it as threatening until, I mean, it went to 60, zero to 60. Oh yeah, no, because as you're walking away,

he's like, turn around one more time. He wanted to fight at that point. Yeah, it was quite a way to start a show. So then they sped off. Well, even speeding off, I don't know that they're not coming back. Exactly. They're not going to turn right around.

That's what I said. We've got to move the fucking car to another third spot. Just because they don't have enough money for gas doesn't mean they don't have enough money for a bullet or two. Or enough money for a fucking plastic garden hose that they stole out of someone's backyard and siphoned our tank. I mean, I'm sure they could have shown us how to make a Wendy's tray a weapon.

Yeah, it was scary. It was one of those times where you go, oh, fuck. Normally, I'm surrounded by a crowd that gives me safety. Like today, how you replay the fight that you had to slink away from or hide in a backseat or walk away with a rollerback. And you go, fuck. And I thought, wow, you know what?

I should have gone, you want a job? Come with me. Fuck that guy. Come with me. And then guy. Come with me. And then brought him to the fucking gig and go, hey, how tough are you now? My fucking audience here. Yeah, we might be fucking, yeah, you get 70 of us in a room full of the hate that we carry. There's no way that, I think it ended the best way it could have ended last night

by us tucking tails. Of course, that's the best way in theory, but in your head when you're fantasizing that laws don't apply to you, and then some vigilante justice could have been done, and you could have heard a pin drop when Tommy stopped and locked the door, and that guy thought he had a job, and he got a fucking ass pummeling inside the handlebar and no one had a cell phone camera that's a great fantasy but in real life it's best to just go hey i don't want any trouble wow now the fucking rain's really coming down if that becomes an audio issue you let me know so uh yeah so that's how the whole thing started.

It was the start of the show. Usually, generally the problems start after the show at the merch booth. I don't think we haven't had anyone violently removed this trip that I remember. No. Have we talked about the Albany incident? Yeah, I'm sure we have Yes, I'm I know we've done podcasts about it

We just didn't put them out Oh, are you sure? No, I'm not Alright Because I never I have no memory I don't listen to these fucking things I said them

Why would I hear it again? The Albany incident is memorable so if if we haven't told it then i think we should i had to open a show we had to have talked about rob dukes was there that night he's oh no that was a different night all right uh junior stop go was uh on stage at in albany at valentine's is that right yep and uh Albany at Valentine's. Is that right? Yep. He was on stage and someone heckled Junior to the point of the

inflappable Junior became flappable and went like, fuck you, and just left the stage. And the guy had been heckling so much that instead of working on my act like I do for the four or five minutes before I go on stage.

That's the amount of effort I put into a show. And he ruined it. Now I just want to kill this guy who keeps fucking with Junior. So I opened the show by throwing him out. I go, this is the weirdest opening. I was working on my set. Didn't have this in mind. But yeah, you're fucking leaving.

And I've made people point that cunt guy out. I think it was more, I'm not starting this show until this guy gets thrown out. DJ, turn up that song. Which I think was Wham-A-Jamma? Oh, yeah, it was Wham-A-Jamma by Jay Giles. Fucking magic dick. That was a great. So I'm just, well, first I had to find the guy. Oh, he was easy to find.

Yeah. But he wasn't budging. And he was like, hey, I'm not starting this show. But they didn't have any security to speak of, so I'm trying to make him throw himself out, and then there's no security. So I went, hey, Rob Dukes is here. He's the fucking lead singer of Exodus. He's a scary-looking motherfucker. And Generation Kill.

So I go, now you're getting a celebrity ejection. I made Rob Dukes chuck the guy out. And Whamma Jamma is still going on, and you and Junior are linking elbows and do-si-do-ing on the stage. Oh, we're dancing like a motherfucker. I'm not a nimble guy, but that song loud makes me want to dance. And it was not a quick removal. It was like a three, four minute, which in stage

time is a long time. And then down the stairs, and then you hear the kerfuffle from downstairs. Then he throws a cinder block through the front window of the downstairs door. Ran at the glass, like a glass entry door into a regular business. Ran at it and kicked it, and it didn't do anything.

And then his two buddies pulled him off and we thought they were gone. He broke away and it was about a 10 foot just running right for the door, shattered the glass so much so that the manager who was standing on the inside next to me, there was an outline of him of no glass. That's the glass that shattered like just little tiny little squares, safety glass. I swear we've talked about this on the fucking podcast. No, we have. We just never put it out.

Either way. Still a good story. There was nothing like that that happened so far on this tour, which is a big jinx going into Tallahassee, where I've never had one person that I can ever remember ever in my 23 years email and say,

hey, you should play Tallahassee. No one has ever tweeted about Tallahassee. We've had it booked and not one tweet or Facebook message saying, hey, can't wait for the Tallahassee show. That might be the, well, maybe it's better if no one shows up. I don't mind those shows. But the merch booth is where the problems are. So we're going to talk about merch booth etiquette for a while.

Well, meaning like after the show when you come up. Is that what you're talking about? After the show. Yeah. Merch is a necessary evil. If you want me to play these fucking horrible little towns, I like doing it,

but I'm not doing it without Greg Chaley. I can't be the guy that's a tour manager. Bingo. Bingo just gave me a dirty look. No, I'm saying I wouldn't do it without Greg Chaley.

I'm not saying that I don't want you here, Bingo. I can't deal. There's so much bullshit that goes with playing these little bars and getting fucking paid. You're getting drunk and then you have to worry about pay. And I'm going to set up my own merch or not sell merch and drive my. I need a guy. If I'm going to do these tours, I need Greg Chaley.

And Greg Chaley. And Greg Chaley gets paid because we sell merch. And so it's a necessary evil. Yet there's nothing harder than walking off stage, having enough time to fucking have a cigarette and catch your breath. It's like coming out of a fist fight and going into an election year where I'm shaking hands and kissing babies. And it's horrible. You really only get maybe at the most 10 minutes

before you go back to the merch booth after doing an entire hour. And that's usually when you send bingo to the green room going, hey, I need them out here. People are waiting. They have fucking stolen Bibles. By the way, we're still selling the stolen Bibles. And good goodness, are they a hot ticket.

We steal the Bibles out of our hotel rooms and they're a top dollar item. And I'm a fucking such a stickler for they have to legitimately be stolen. But we try to steal extras. We'll definitely have two from the hotel, but I wake up angry anyway, so I'll just march into whatever room

the fucking maid is making up and go, I'm sorry, I forgot my Bible. I'll just grab it. And it's too quick for them to ask questions, nor are they in a position to go, well, who are you? Did you stay in this room? I just walk in, sorry, I forgot my Bible.

I grab it, I leave, but they're all legitimately stolen. We don't fucking buy Bibles. No, we've found sources where we could have gotten them before. I'll bartend before I fucking pull a scam. Anyway, yeah, so

a lot of this is my fault when I'm fucking yelling at you I know that you're drunks I attract you I'm a drunk so I get drunks at the fucking merch booth Joe Rogan I've seen where he sets up a beautiful line after the show

he's got velvet ropes he spends a fucking minute with you he signs your thing, He takes a photograph. And you move on. Because he has fucking sober people that come to his show that have some modicum of decorum. No, not my people. So it's just fucking chaos. It's not a goddamn confessional.

Remember, I hate being there. It's not a goddamn confessional. Remember, I hate being there. It's completely awkward and foreign to me to be out there and glad-handing a million people and trying to be polite enough that the line moves, yet fucking have enough... Yeah, get the fuck... Okay, I'm not here to hear your story About how you lost your foot on a railroad track And can you call my brother Timmy He was fucking supposed to come to the show

Just I'll smile and take a picture Know how to use your fucking camera Every comic has probably tweeted this 10,000 times By the time you get there Yes, you can take a picture That's why I'm standing there.

I'd prefer if you didn't need one. I love you way better than the guy who only wants one because he saw everyone else taking one. If you didn't get in line to get a picture, don't fucking take a picture. I'm ugly. And plus, when you show that picture to people, then you're going to have to spend that extra amount of time

explaining to people who the fuck I am, because only you know me. Those friends would have been with you. They would have been next to you in the picture. Yes, exactly. So, but the fucking drunkest people. New Orleans was the worst on this one. At the Howlin' Wolf. Howlin' Wolf.

Howlin' Wolf. Normally, we used to play the One-Eyed Jacks, which is a great club, but notoriously every single show I did there was a drunken fucking nightmare of people screaming. The entire show was the merch booth. So this time we did it. They had kind of a folding chair, theater-ish seating.

Three-fourths of the people were seated. Theater, children's recital, middle school. It's a large venue. It's a music venue. You could probably put two and a half one-eye jacks in there. It's a huge facility. But, yeah, everyone was seated, and they're not sitting around a bar, so there's no chaos.

Fine show, but then at the end, there was, and I have to make sure I specify, because there were two poets at that show, two lady poets. One lady came up and said, you know, here's my book. It's poetry and I go well thank you very much who doesn't like poetry and then I waited until she left to say

me I don't like poetry but she wasn't rude at all and you know what I kept the book and I put it in the back seat of the van for Bingo because they're short poems I flipped through it and they're short few lines and Bingo's not a big reader but she can get through a few lines when she's in the backseat and bored then the second woman who kept trying to fucking jam her way in there's a fucking

line like even my unruly chaos anarchy audience that can't form a line, formed a line out of their own... No velvet ropes. Out of some sense of decency that 80% of you have, formed a line, and this fucking cunt just kept jamming up out of line. In front of all the people.

You don't have to pay anything to get a picture or anything with you, so it's not about that. But the people that were in line had bought merchandise and were waiting and she just jammed her way right to the front. Once again, we don't have... With her vaguely effeminate husband.

And she said, I need to tell you something. Would you indulge me? And I go, I'm not here to be indulging. And this is like day six of no break. Six towns and seven hour drives. And no, no, I'm here. I'll talk to you at the bar. If I can get done with the merch, I can sit down and have a drink like a normal guy. And you can tell me your dumb story. But, and she, so she goes, ah, whatever. And she walks away and then halfway through her husband,

my wife, she has a poem she wants to tell. Would you indulge her? And I go, oh, now I know who it is because you keep saying indulge. Which, if you fucked her, it would feel like indulging. When she finally came up, the guy you were talking to stood in line, was taking a picture, and he said that your bit on mother's suicide helped him get through his grandparents suicide his grandparents had committed a double suicide and he's telling a really heartfelt and you're giving you like i

i got one minute with this guy but this is something you want to like look i'll do this i turn to her i go oh i'm She goes, would you indulge me? I go, I'm sorry. He was just talking about his grandparents committed a double suicide and how my act helped him through it, but you wanted to interrupt with what? She goes, ah, but then kept right on going with her dumb fuck. Well, first, there was the dentist first I wanted to mention because it's not all fucking bad people.

We've had good people. This is not the doctor that was in what town was that in? I'll look it up. Chaley had a fucked up tooth on this tour. I'm coming apart. I got a hernia that's blowing out of me. I got a chalazion on my eye when it started.

It's like a fucking... Look it up if you can spell chalazian on my eye when it started. It's like a fucking... Look it up if you can spell Shalazian. Wherever. It doesn't matter where we were. Chaley's running around scrambling for notes to get all this accurate. No one gives a shit. Yeah, so I was bitching about this giant lump growth

on my eye, and a doctor at one of the shows said, Hey, I'm a ER Chattanooga. It was the first show. Second show was at Vaudeville Cafe, and where's the doctor? All right. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Oh, it was Asheville.

No, that's not Asheville. It was Chattanooga. It was Vaudeville Cafe. It was that dinner theater you played. It was the dinneranooga. It was at a dinner theater he played. It was the dinner theater. All right. Either way, yeah, yeah. He came up and said, hey, I'm an ER doctor.

That's probably a Shalazian. He confirmed my Google diagnosis and said, hey, I can get you some antibiotics. Anyway, that's fucking great. Like, that's a guy. And he didn't hang around he wasn't drunk and get me in a headlock going oh fucking 69 my wife for a picture he's like hey i can do this quick and i'll see you at another show in atlanta great new orleans before the fucking poets came there's a drunk fucking dentist going and probably because i had tweeted that chaley had

a fucking tooth problem turns out he needed he got a fucking 30 minute root canal no waiting we'll see how that turns out the quality of that project should be like uh oh yeah bar rescue is gonna fucking fix your bar in 48 hours i'm sure i that fucking drywall will hang for a long time. Well, it's supposed to be the first step in three of the root canal. I have to get the rest done. Either way, this dentist came up before the poet lady. He's like, ah, he's shit-faced. To be fair,

we were there during French Quarter Festival. So it's a Friday night festival, New Orleans. A lot of people are really drunk. Very drunk. This guy was from Dallas, and he's like, I'm a dentist, and I'll do any dental work you need for free.

And I'm like, that wasn't me. That was Chaley. And he already got it taken care of. He's like, no, I'll do it for free for you. And I'm like, I don't need dental work. He goes, you've come to Dallas. I'm going to be a show. I'm a dentist.

I'll do it. And there's only so many times you can realize a guy's too drunk to listen. And he's just going to say the same shit. And you're already on edge. You don't want to be at the merch booth. You want to be at the bar. And he's not listening. He's just.

So I get rid of that guy. Then the girl finally comes at the end of the merch line. There's a few, two, three people left. And she's like, now you're going to listen to my poem. And I'm like, i don't want to hear your fucking poem i hate poetry do you not listen to my set i have a whole bit about chicks and she's like no listen to me and she gets like right up in my face like she's hauntingly sexual and intimidating where she's just a fat boar and she goes listen it's called fingering a gunshot wound

as though oh oh now you captured me with the title and i go i don't care what it's called and she starts poking me in the chest and as i'm backing up advancing on me tapping my chest to the cadence of this dumb poem and i'm like this is awful this is garbage fucking poetry's not even fucking art it's rap without fucking being able to steal a fucking uh what do you call that yeah the hook and then so she won't stop and i'm like i've already i'm mentally broken down with so many drunken assholes that I I'm like, I don't want it. And I just started running. By now, they've collected up all the folding chairs out of the room.

So it's just a big bear fucking ballroom. And I just started running and she started chasing me. So I'm running three stooges style, juking back and forth. She's a fatty and trying to get her to slip in the water and going oh no slipping out water fatty yeah we're going to work off some of those pounds and I'm running and I'm not a runner I'm winding myself and she's

staying on my heels and then like the fucking walking dead the giant fucking drunk dentist guy starts humping over like fucking Frankenstein and he's just yelling oh dude drunk dentist guy starts humping over like fucking... Lurch from the Adam's apple.

Frankenstein, yeah. And he's just yelling, I'll do free dental work. Where's my $2 or whatever in my head? I just have this image of this fat woman, serpentine trying to chase me, and then the fucking Frankenstein guy. And there's no one else except for like three guys

at the merch booth. We were watching you, and I kept hearing the Benny Hill theme go. So I just juked through the fucking emergency exit into the green room, and I had to hold the door shut. And then evidently the three guys that I fucked off at the merch booth went at her, saying, we're not going to get a fucking autograph because of that cunt.

I just wrapped it up. I go, look, we're not going to get a fucking autograph because of that cunt. I just wrapped it up. I go, look, we're gone. Look, some chick is chasing Doug around the venue. Merch is closed. We're done. And then that's when I guess she came back and her effeminate husband

and her were starting to walk out and the guys that were standing there were just like, what a fucking bitch, man. She just totally ruined it. You know, she made Doug leave, which is really, that was it. She was just a pain in the ass. It was about over. There was a fucking issue with you.

No, the guy heard someone call his wife a bitch, and he came right to me. Would you call my wife? Would you call my wife? And I'm like putting merch away. And yeah, those guys let me swing in the wind on that one. I'm all, dude, I didn't say nothing. I'm just putting away merch. And then as he's leaving, he looks at me and goes,

you look like you got a small dick. And the three guys that were standing there are still kind of pissed. They didn't get an autograph or anything. Doug, they're like, that is the gayest thing i've ever that guy just sized up shaley as having a small dick have you heard anything gayer and they're sitting there drinking beer like discussing how gay this was that this guy was like you got you look like you got a small dick it was just and don't don't think for a second that that has not become a refrain since then,

where just anything comes up and you go, that sounds like something a guy with a small dick would say. Yeah. Because I'm all about being as gay as I possibly can. I'm so glad that we can continue to remember her and her presence at the merch booth. Yeah, so there's merch booth etiquette. Figure out how to use your camera ahead of time.

The guy behind you in line will gladly take the picture for you. You might not think you need a flash. Yeah, make sure your flash is on. Take pictures of each other while you're standing in line. Meet the person in front of you or behind you and make that agreement before you get up there. You know what? My fans all fucking seem to hate each other.

I get so many fucking remarks on the Twitters and the Facebooks. By the way, I... Well, I'll say that later. But yeah, no, I put shit on Facebook tonight. I said, hey, if you have any questions or things that need to be addressed for the podcast tonight, and I put that on... My Facebook goes to my Twitter. I check Twitter first because it's... any questions or things that need to be addressed for the podcast tonight and i put that on my

facebook goes to my twitter i check twitter first because it's expedient i look at facebook comments and most of it is just dog shit jokes people talking to each other in the and i i don't if i have to go to facebook i will but i i'm on Twitter. Try that. But, yeah. Know how to use your camera. We take cash or credit. I mean, the longer they stand in line, I can just...

Don't cut. And yeah, be nice. Be quick. We all know where the line begins and where the line ends. I'd fucking miss the days where you could do a show and then actually hang out with a few people. You can't do it anymore. It's just I can't hang out. People say, hey, I fucking love the fact that you say, hey, do you want to fucking go out for a beer?

I have to go to this place or something. You can't make those kind of decisions anymore. I can't go out with fucking 45 people to a bar. It just doesn't work. So there's no way to just slip in with 45 people. Right. You end up. And then it ends up being like that place in Savannah.

A really fucking kick ass. Oh, that was wicked good. Better than the gig. We're sponsored by. Don't I don't want you to look it up. It's the Mata Hari's Hat. Mata Hari's Hat in Savannah, Georgia. It's a private club.

You don't know where it's at? It's an old speakeasy. We're sponsored, this podcast sponsored by Mata Hari's Hat. That place is great. In Savannah, Georgia. If you don't know, well, then fucking be cooler. Someone will find you and say, hey, you want to be a member? And also the underbelly in Jacksonville.

Last time we did this tour about 18 months ago, I had scored some great fucking... It was in Asheville. Asheville. It was a costume shop where I scored some great coats, and I had this one red tails jacket that I wore for the first time in Jacksonville and then it ended up getting shit faced after the show or probably during the show but after the show they had a band no one's in there and I was in there

probably like one of five people and I was just the band was so incredible to my drunken head and I decided fuck fuck this jacket. I don't need this. That lead singer, he's not dressed up at all. He should have this jacket, this fucking tuxedo tails. And I threw it at him on stage and I left. And in the morning I woke up and thought, that was the greatest fucking jacket. I can't believe I gave away that jacket.

And Bingo would never let me forget it. Yeah, you fucking asshole, you gave that jacket away. So when I was doing an interview for Jacksonville this time, the guy said, so do you have any memories of Jacksonville that stand out that you want to talk about for the local? And I go, yeah, I was shit-faced. I threw this great red tuxedo jacket at the band, and I don't even know who they are.

And I want that. I just wish I never gave away that jacket. And the guy goes, I know who has that jacket. The owner of the club still has that jacket. He occasionally wears it out. I'm going, get that jacket back for me. I don't care if people show up for the show. I just want that fucking jacket.

And he had it and he gave it back. So the underbelly in Jacksonville, you want quality people, a quality cocktail? Yes. Go to the underbelly in downtown Jacksonville. There's nothing else there. Nothing else there. I'm pissed off that the fucking band, I don't know who the band was, but if I did, I'd slander them. Why?

I'd slag them off, as we say in my country. For fucking... I gave them a great jacket, and they gave it to the owner or just left it behind. But you benefited from that. I know, but it's still kind of rude that I threw you a drunken offering of something I thought was special. Tell me some of your merch booth memories. Enough of this blather.

Chaley has to deal with more of the merch booth shit than I do because I'm only out there at the end. He's there all fucking night and has to deal with it. And Chaley, people think he's an asshole. fucking night has to deal with and chaley people think he's an asshole that's why i thought that whole uh almost stabbing last night was probably your fault at first not at all no it wasn't chaley's not an asshole he's a sweetheart but i like just sometimes uh yeah go ahead but um you get a lot of it at the merch booth but but Bingo and I tend to be accessible for much longer periods of time in front of people. And Bingo and I were talking about some of the things that people come up and say. And you said, you know, when I write some of them down.

Chuck them at me. Well, remember when you made mention of this, we were at the Alchemy Tavern in Mobile. Yeah. If we have time at the end of this, too, I have it on my computer, like a list of gigs. I'm going to just go through the places we played for other comics who want to fucking four-walling like this, like Louis Katz. Louis Katz, if you've seen me on this tour,

Louis Katz is probably on the heels of it. So go to at Louis Katz on Twitter or I don't know. Fucking Louis Katz. Is it Louis? Yeah, it's spelled Louis. It's like Louis CK. It's Louis Katz. Well, the one thing I noticed was sometimes there's that person that you can see at the beginning of the show

and you know they're going to be a problem at the merch booth later because they're already. Oh, wait, sorry. Okay, get me back to Daytona Beach. Yes. Oh, well, yeah. This is before we started writing it down, but that guy exactly. That was before...

Daytona Beach, it was a Monday night. It was at this old weather-torn, hurricane survivor kind of 1960s resort on the top floor. The penthouse lounge. Yeah, the penthouse lounge on the 10th floor of the whatever fucking Flamingo-ish. It looked like it should have been called the Flamingo from 1960, and now it's just fucking destitute. It's La Playa Resort.

La Playa Resort. La Playa Resort. And it was all glass. I hope it's dark when this show goes on, because it's all glass walls. Behind you is all glass. And it maybe seats like 150, and there's probably fucking 80 people in it. I couldn't even sell out the fucking La Pla destitute resort i felt like i should be

bill murray as the lounge singer from the old saturday and i have sketches in there and i walk there's no green room at all but no they had the roof that they'd put a chair out there was if i wanted to wait on the roof outside there was a fire exit i could stand on the roof and look through the fucking glass which you could see two miles out into the atlantic and you're like why would i want to sit out there and be like a monkey yeah i'm gonna stand out there like i'm at a fucking aquarium he goes well uh when the sun goes down these uh all the glass gets really dark so you're gonna be out there like in the dark standing in the dark like mr saturday night in the dark by yourself. Like Mr. Saturday Night in the Rain

outside that Chinese restaurant. So I'm standing in the stairwell coming up from the hotel. One floor down. And this guy, he's a giant man, but not an intimidating guy. He was a business-y guy,

but his shirt's untucked. It was what Hollywood would like if they wanted to make a business-y guy, but his shirt's untucked. It was what Hollywood would, like, if they wanted to make a normal-looking guy look like an inebriate. A conventioneer. Yeah. With his shirt untucked. But all the cartoon classic, and he's waving his arms up

in the air, and so sloppy shit-faced at fucking 825 at night. Bingo had already warned me about him. There's this one guy, he's going to be a problem. Then I went out and he saw me and he's like, I'm guessing that's

a problem. He's going into the men's room. I go into the showroom, hide in a dark corner of the bar, slouching by a pole. He comes back in and I realize he's sitting right up front. He sits and he slouches over like he doesn't know if he's gonna holler or pass out and I went on stage and I had this guy slowly removed over the course of 10 minutes as though it were written into my set. I have done this and had that guy at so

many shows that it was like doing an old bit to slowly have him removed. That was great, the way you started it. Yeah, the movie Flight. Did anyone see that movie with Denzel Washington, Flight, and it was a piece of shit? But the only great

scene other than the first plane crash in the beginning is when john goodman is brought back in to get denzel washington coked up enough to testify in congress i did a long version of this i said that's the only way this guy is going to make it through the show this guy needs to be john goodman yeah yeah and if john goodman himself came in here and gave him blow i still don't think he'd make it. So I had a nice riff, but still, I'm only preparing the audience for the inevitable. And then at some point, he seemed to drift off into his lap

with his eyes still open. And the first time I had any bit of a pause in my set that was longer... Than a breath, like a quick breath. And then he walks up on stage and I'm like, see, told you. Fucking eight minutes later, told you. He's on stage

and then his friend's carrying him out. But it was so weird that I've been in that position so many times that it wasn't even questioning how, like, okay, this is part of my act, is this fucking guy. People say, it's a plant. No, no.

It's, uh... It's... It's basically a plant in that, yeah, I've had that happen. You know how to handle it, whether he's there or not. It's not even I know how to handle it. It's, I've done that happen. You know how to handle it, whether he's there or not. I know how to handle it. I've done that bit so many times where people didn't know it was a bit

because they didn't know they were that drunk. You know what I miss is a lot of times this happens, and it bothers me when it doesn't because generally, or a majority of the time or some of the time enough that guy will facebook email tweet me sorry i was a dick but not the fucking finger in the bullet hole chick or the fucking that guy have gone hey sorry i was a big tit at your show yeah anyway sorry Anyway, sorry, that was the story. I interrupted you.

No, but that's a good, I mean, the one that I had brought up was right after that in Mobile at the Alchemy Tavern. That gal who was with her husband, and she kept looking at you, like she had to turn around to look at you through the window. You were out on the patio. And then I came back there right before you went on. I'm like, hey, is everything good?

Do you need anything? And you're like, you see her? Watch, she's going to turn around. And like you had cued her, she turned around, stared at you, and then turned back around. And she'd been doing that the whole time. And you go, she's going to be a problem. Let me color this up for the listeners.

This is another fucking green room on the Shit Town Tour, which is not the Shit Town Tour, but it might as well still be called the Shit Town Tour. And again, it's a fine venue, but our green room was the back porch. So we're all out there smoking, and you can see the crowd. The stage is facing us,

so the crowd should be facing the stage, but one girl has turned completely around, staring out the back window away from the stage, just staring at me for 55 minutes from the time I got there. And she's cute for the surroundings. Yes. Mobile cute. Yeah. She's a mobile hottie and uh and it just bothered me and the the governor who's a one of the opening local guys there uh british guy and moved to mobile i i said

to him i go this is going to be a girl that will be a problem at the merch booth she'll try to cut the line and thinks because she's cute for the town that she rules don't apply to her. I spelled I fucking detailed it for him. You gave him the same thing. You're like basically telling anyone that was supposed to be out there this is what's going to happen. Yes.

And every fucking beat of it I nailed. Where I didn't even she didn't even wait for the merch booth she barged out there after the show from my fucking cool off cigarette and i made people go get the governor go downstairs and get governor because it's exactly what i said is going to happen just from eyeballing her it's going on right now and then she yeah i had to run from her too. I had to run upstairs from the merch booth and literally duck down and hide behind the upstairs bar

because she was chasing. We shut down the merch booth. We shut down the merch booth after her as well. Because she came back and then she would not get away from like clinging on to you for pictures. No, another picture, another picture. She wasn't listening to anything. And then finally I just took the tarp or the sheet, threw picture, another picture. She wasn't listening to anything.

And then finally I just took the tarp or the sheet, threw up over the stuff, and I go, we're done. That's it. And once again, people that had just bought some merchandise and were waiting are standing there going, what the fuck? This brings us to the third one. And this is not even where – this was Wilmington, North Carolina, where the show is just the show felt fucking dead. It could be my fault.

City stage. Yeah. I swear I taped from across the street. It has a very theater feel to it. Oh, it's been there like 160 years? Yeah, like a different, not dinner theater, but like old school. Old school, like stadium seating, like really severe stairway up. Anyway, there was nothing going on at the merch booth.

I was, again, at the end of a week where I'm going, all right, let's just get done. Go to bed. And there's a sparsely attended merch booth, and this woman... I've never felt... I'm sure I have felt, but I don't remember.

This robust woman... Rubenesque, if you will. Not even Rubenesque. Ruben didn't paint women her age. She was this lunch lady. She's a cafeteria lunch lady. And she came up, and there's not a lot of people in line. Cafeteria-esque, if you will. Cafeteria-esque.

And she said, can I get a picture? I go, yeah, of course. And her husband's going to take it. And she goes, can I get a picture? I go, yeah, of course. And her husband's going to take it. And she goes, wait. I don't want to ask, but what I need you to do is motorboat me. Because whatever her boyfriend, husband guy always tells me that my breasts are so beautiful and that why not, they should be motorboarded. And I'm saying, I already think everyone hates me and they didn't like my show.

It was not a great show in my head. And, yeah, it's all quiet afterwards. It's not a lot of hoopla. And I'm like, okay. And then I'm standing there at a very quiet merch booth going, like a half-hearted, just for a picture, because it doesn't come out in a picture. And how long do you do it?

It'll just be my head between your breasts. So motorboarding your breasts doesn't come out. In a picture, it looks like you fell into her breasts. Same thing. It's just one, it's a frame. It's like saying chatter your teeth for a picture. Well that's not going to come out. It'll just be me in an awkward

place. So I did it and then it's all quiet because everyone is kind of, the few people that are there are going, why is he doing this? So everyone, there's this pregnant pause of awkwardness. And then he says, oh, wait, the flash wasn't on. So now I have to do it again.

After I just, like, I'm awash with the hideousness of I just did that. Like, I'm standing at horror merch booth position anyway. Then I'm motorboarding this woman with a very skewed sense of her own self-worth and self-esteem. And then I have to do it twice. Take two. Cut. I didn't do it good enough. You know, I was just thinking, what that must look like to someone across the bar looking over at Stanhope just with his face buried in that flesh.

But a sad look on my face. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're reticent to do it to begin with. And they're like, that poor, sad man. Exactly. Look at him. This is all, he's not even enjoying it. Who could?

What else you got? That was good. I forgot about her. That was sad. I try to take notes on these tours. People say, what's the tour been like? And I'd have to sit down and physically look at a calendar to remember shit. And still, we're trying to remember the name of the ER doctor

who got us there. Dr. Brian. That's all we need is a first name. We'll see him in Nashville. He wrote us a prescription and then insisted on taking us to dinner in Nashville. It's a fucking fun life. But it's only fun to bitch about.

Yeah. No one's bitching about it. We love this. This is great. Again, I always talk about this because we relentlessly listen to Bill Burr's podcast on the road. We'll go on these massive three, four, five week tours where all we do is listen to fucking podcasts.

But we were four months behind on Bill Burr. So, okay, we got four months of Bill Burr all in a row every drive. And he's always fucking happy. Hey, thanks for coming out to the thing, you fucking, with the ladies. And it was a great time, and everyone's so nice. And I get to see this majestic theater and fucking cocksuckers. Oh, what great food. And my tours are always like that fucking venue.

These fucking monsters. That place, my foot went through the floorboard in the green room. Everything stinks. No, that one place, they gave me a merch table and I go to lift it up and turn it over and it had been sitting in a puddle, like a puddle that never dries out

on the back dock of a restaurant. Oh, and it had been sitting in a puddle like a puddle that never dries out on the back dock of a restaurant oh and it's filled all over your smeared black sludge on my suit i was dry heaving trying to hold it in and i'm like what who fucking brings in a dirty table last night i'm closing up and this is the the handlebar in pensacola it's just this small box of a place and you're just sitting there by the door and I go you're not selling merch tonight when you're taking a night off because I don't give a fuck if you don't that's your money yeah so and you you go because you're sitting at a table that would be the merch table and then you just rocked it and it's like it's like you're

holding it up it was like it was a weeble wobble. I touched it and it tilted over like it was a Universal Studios prop from an earthquake or something. It just fell on the other one. You were showing me that you have to wait for another table to open up to set up merch. Or try and fix that one. But just saying, you're not selling merch? And you go, wonk, wonk, wonk, wonk. Oh, I get it. Didn't say a word. Didn't even look at the table. I just knew where to touch it.

The weird thing is, generally, on these shows I'm having, I fucking love working in these kind of rooms because it feels like my element. I gotta tell you, last night, I mean, notwithstanding the almost assault that happened,

everyone was really stoked that you were there. People drove. There were some people from Alabama who drove past two of the other gigs we've done in the area to go to this one, drove three hours. That always kind of puts me in check when I check my Twitter before the show and someone's like, hey, just drove three hours waiting for the that's longer than we drove like i can't like you used to have gigs where you're like i'm just phoning this piece of shit in because you think it doesn't matter and now you know well there's one guy there was one one of these gigs oh new orleans a guy flew

in from sweden oh wow like. Now I have to try. You know what? That guy wasn't a cunt at the fucking merch booth either. That guy just tweeted and left. I just assume that means you hated the show and it wasn't worth the trip. Go ahead. What else you got? There was another guy who was bugging me. This was also at the

Alchemy Tavern, which is a great venue. They're just starting to get their comedy going there. I like that place. Yeah. The owner really, he's trying to change it from the John Taffer Bar Rescue. The place was set up for a fucking dance club. That's why it's set up for speed drinks all the way around. And I'm like, if you just move that bar against the wall, you have perfect seating in an L.

Oh, by the way, this is the place that I'm going to use this in my act because it's not going to build into a bit. It's just the quote of the tour so far is right next to that place in Mobile, Alabama was this thrift salvage shop. And I found a pair of fucking cool plaid vintage pants, but they're not sized. So I went up to the guy at the fucking counter and I said, hey, listen, do you have a tape measure so I can measure the waist? And he goes, and it was such a look of confusion, said, well, I got one for furniture, but I don't have one for clothing. Well, I got one for furniture, but I don't have one for clothing. And he said it in such a way that I thought for a second I was the idiot. You didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know there's two different. I'll use the furniture one, okay?

We'll see if we can get by. Alchemy Tavern. There was another guy who was big. I mean, he was like wrestler big. I mean, he was a big guy who came right up the steps. This was, I think, his second comedy show he'd ever been to. And I think he was with his mother or something. I shouldn't say that that i don't know who the fuck it was we're not going back well they're hanging out probably are they're hanging out and you just went on i don't think you were on for more than 15 minutes and she has been out twice already to smoke out on this little landing where I was doing the will call tickets and stuff.

So then he comes out and he doesn't smoke, but he's standing there. This guy is huge, right? And he asked me, how do I, how do I get in touch with this guy? How do I, and I go, well, Doug's, you know, pretty accessible. You can get Doug at DougStanhope.com. No, how do I, pretty accessible, you can get Doug at DougStanhope.com. No, how do I... I smell money when I see this guy. I smell money. I don't really, sir, I don't know what that means.

I smell money. You want to contact him for a show? He goes, look, I know money. I know how to make money. I see him and I see money. I need a piece of this guy. I need a piece of this guy i need a piece of this i swear to god i wrote it down in my book i i i want a piece of this guy and then remember

in mobile alabama you've only been on he smells money you've been on 15 minutes now he was out and i don't that's like uh he spent no time in the show He was just out there most of the time following me, asking me. Like, any time I saw him looking at me, I knew he was coming over. Where's my stapler guy? What's the actor's name? Office Space. Yeah, but what's the actor's name? Fuck.

He's great. Steven Root. Okay. Him and, God damn, I fucking hate my lack of references. He was the radio station guy in the movie with George Clooney. If I was on stage, I'd just give up trying to find this reference right now. The radio station guy. You know, Soggy Bottom Boys, Man of Constant Sorrow.

Oh, you're talking about the guy who was on news radio. Yeah. Yeah, but he plays the the guy who was on news radio. Yeah. Yeah, but he plays the radio station guy where they do the fucking Man of Constant Sorrow. Yeah. He smells money. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. It's a long way to fucking go.

Yeah. Only because my brain is a failure. So he kept insisting that somehow I was holding back information. And I said, are you talking about a booking? Is that what you want to do? So I knew he didn't know anything about booking because he would say, hey, do you have this guy's agent or manager or something like that?

I go, well, Brian Hennigan is the person that you'd want to contact. It's that same email address. And he just said the same thing. Look, you're an asshole. I like you. You're an asshole. But I need a piece of this guy.

I need it. And I'm like, I really don't know what to tell you. But at the same time, I'm afraid of him. He's big. And I think he would kill me just because I didn't understand him. Maybe we should go public like the Green Bay Packers. Have everyone own a piece of me. Own a piece of you?

Boy, you'd have to do some real crazy shows. Oh, fuck. Oh, hold on. eBay Yard Sale. Go ahead. One more thing. One more thing. I did find out from the owner of the Alchemy Tavern that that guy wasn't only bugging me.

The owner of the Alchemy Tavern kept him away from me as much as he could. The owner of the Alcantara Tavern kept him away from me as much as he could. And then at one point, the big guy saw a Bacardi, like a promotional flag that's hanging on this double high ceiling in this building. And he told the owner of the club that he wanted that because he wanted it for a cape. And the owner goes... I smell money when I see a Bacardi cape. I'm going to be rolling in it wearing my Bacardi cape. And the owner goes, I smell money when I see it. A Bacardi cape. I'm going to be rolling and wearing my Bacardi cape.

The way he said it was, I'm going to use it for my cape. Like, we all have a cape and we all figure out our own fabric that we're going to use. This is what he's going to use. And the owner of the club goes,

I went right over and got a ladder myself and he handed me 40 bucks. Because the owner can smell money bucks because the owner can smell money can smell money uh ebay yard sale uh yeah listen i'm so fucked on the road we just are in a constant state of where's our shit we fucking drive hours and hours to a show. We get in, we hit a thrift store, get to a hotel, get to the gig. I talk, I get drunk, we come back. Shit's everywhere.

We wake up, they're going, it's checkout, it's checkout. We steal some more Bibles, throw all our shit in a car. Oh, wait, what does this go? We'll just chuck it in there for now, and then we'll figure it out. And we never figure it out. So we're just in a constant state of disrepair and one shoe's under the front seat and one's in one of the several bags in the back of the fucking van so yeah ebay yard sale evidently went real real well and uh so maybe you own a piece of me my dumb fucking vintage shop thrift store shit that's clogged up my place and I'm done with.

Next time we do, we're going to give a chunk of that to some kind of weird charitable effort. It won't be a charity. Don't fucking email me. Well, you know what? I have gout and I don't have insurance. Fuck you. I'm going to find someone weird like Rebecca Vitzman from the tornado and we'll do something. But that's not going to happen until I get home.

So I'm not even looking for it. If you have suggestions, yes, but not you or your friend. An unselfish suggestion. Yeah, and we'll do that at its time. And next time, the next eBay yard sale will be the Uber hoarder of the family, Bingo. So, yeah, it'll be for the ladies because she's got the fucking craziest costumes. But she has so many. And you know what?

I can't really fucking have another house just to put fucking her shit in. So, yeah, we're going to de-hoard Bingoingo next but that won't be for a while uh what else we got uh i got notes i got questions i fucking know this is what i was gonna say before i did say before but yeah i put the questions on the facebook that goes to the twitter so the twitter questions got precedent and then I fucking picked a few out of Facebook until I got tired of all the fucking nonsense that goes on between comments that matter. So let me pull up the questions. Could you address anything Massachusetts related? I'm paraphrasing. Can you address anything MA?

I know how much it sucks balls, but I love hearing how my fave started here. Listen to the Bill Burr podcast because I left there as soon as I could. I don't remember anything. It stunk. And this is another. I'm just going to blow through some of these.

Did you talk about patent trolls yet? Patent, not patent like oswald patent trolls like the one trying to say he invented podcasting in the mid 90s from jim snyder that's adam carolla's thing go fucking google search that it's important it's not my thing i have not done enough research but yeah it's a fucking problem so yeah the fucking the the uh killer termites what are they called yes yeah they should be on top of that fucking guy making his life miserable personal audio i believe is the group that's claiming they invented podcasting do you remember me i was at the show in philly in 2009 i was the one laughing from mr tug thatug. That was a running joke from today

where some guy from Minneapolis said, hey, do you remember me? I was at your show. I was wearing the Guantanamo Bay t-shirt in 2007 and I talked to you. And I'm like, so I've just been fucking with this guy all day. But what I'm getting at is-

So be careful with the questions. I have been doing this. I used to use the analogy years ago when it... I don't remember you. I don't remember shit. I don't remember things I've done. I've forgotten the names of family members, and I only have eight or maybe seven of my entire extended family,

and I've forgotten one of their names for a long enough beat that I go, I think I'm losing my mind because I couldn't remember my cousin Denise's fucking name. And she's one of three cousins and I only have one brother and his two kids. Yeah. I think six family members I have alive and all the family that I know I have. And I forgot. So I don't remember you from 2007 if we were really good friends.

Because in comedy, you make friends for a night or a week. And maybe you see them once every year or two at best. And then they disappear into the woodwork. And then you have new friends for this chunk of years. It's the same as if I went to my entire public schooling and then college and then doctorate, where I was drunk every fucking day and went to a different school every fucking week.

And you go, hey, remember me from ninth grade? I went to a lot of ninth grades and I was drunk. No. So yes, I don't remember you, but don't take it personal. I didn't remember Denise. She's my cousin. All right. Blah, blah, blah.

There's a good one coming up. A fucking Wesley said the good one. You rightly... Oh, my. Oh, Bingo's vomiting vomiting and a fucking cord won't why did you if you're only taking a shit why did you go oh i'm sorry you oh this is uh my opinion on scotland independence uh and i go yes i'm for it because I think, yes, you should

boil it down to, and then your neighborhood should be independent from the fucking, yeah, and then your street from the other streets and then your house then, yeah, we should all be fucking independent that's a quick answer to that hot sauce, this is one that I'm fucking passionate about

hot sauce the good, the bad, and the ugly. Can we talk? That's from Joe Frazier. This is my note to myself. Tabasco strategy. Strategy? Well, yeah, we were talking about,

it's a common refrain in my tweets. Anytime I wake up in the morning, I hate everything in the world. I hate myself so much when I wake up hungover that I have to find outlets of other things that I hate to fucking pawn that off on. And Tabasco, when I have to go to breakfast and Tabasco is the only hot sauce, somehow they monopolized a lot of the places. All the markets that don't think hot sauce is important. And it is. Condiments are very important.

We've discussed it. Yeah, so I will constantly tweet, fuck Tabasco. Tabasco sucks is the hashtag. Hashtag Tabasco sucks. And however I can rephrase it, and I will continue to do that until you at least have one choice other than Tabasco everywhere. Like a Cholero or a Texas Pete's. Sriracha is the one that...

This fucking polarizes people. Every time I put Tabasco sucks up there, it polarizes people. Sriracha is the one that most people come back with, which I only use Sriracha on shrimp tempura sushi. Not against it. There was somewhere recently we went, I think it was fast food, that they had, oh, Subway now has a creamy sriracha.

Yeah. Which I thought was delicious. For a limited time only, and it doesn't, you can't buy it. Okay. Yeah. Either way, yeah. It's good.

It's fucking sriracha and mayonnaise. Yeah. But there's a green Tabasco. I hate to admit, green Tabasco I fucking love. But I'm not going to let them off the hook just because they have this. Yeah, we'll get green Tabasco everywhere, and I stop fucking trying to destroy you as a one-man army trying to destroy Tabascos. It's army trying to destroy Tabasco's.

It's fucking awful. Cholero's fine. Tapatio, I think, is just as good. I will take the plastic jug vodka argument to the Tapatio versus Cholula. The difference between them is about this much. What you're paying for with Cholula is a wooden cap. And you're paying five times as much for Cholula as you would for Tapatio. A big

Tapatio is like a buck 75 or something. So yeah, it's not bad. By the way, all of these that you've mentioned are usually available at the dollar store. Right. Yeah. I've found great hot sauce. Anything that says habanero in it is usually good.

Cholero, I will import from Costa Rica. Banquet cholero that in Costa Rica costs like a hangnail. It's nothing. To get a 12-pack, because that's the minimum, I pay like fucking $25. You actually get the stuff that they import? Yeah, that shit banquet, you know banquet frozen dinners? Yeah. If you can't afford food, you can

afford banquet frozen fucking dinners. It's that brand but it's great. Tabasco is the only one that I hate. So when people go, hey, well, you know, who's your dog in this fight? All of them except fucking Red Tabasco is fucking garbage. It's shit.

And yeah, thank you for... Okay, that's that. But yeah, I'll take... I should make a lineup. Your top 10? Texas Pete's not bad No Louisiana hot sauce

Not bad It's great on chili dogs So you do like a vinegary based Hot sauce You just don't like Tabasco is fucking awful Yeah It's just burning with no flavor

Okay Yeah you might as well You know lick an ointment That you found That was an expired prescription. Yeah, whatever. All right. Oh, you've said, Bingo's taking a shit,

so I'll let her answer this. She's ready when she comes back. I like this. This hopefully will be dated by the time Chaley does too much editing on this and puts it out. Do you think the missing Malaysian jet is a ruse to place NATO warships all over that part of the world in preparation for world war three?

I started reading that as a goof, but you know, you go, Hey, that's a great fucking conspiracy. Yeah. Cause no one should give a shit, this much of a shit about this flight for over a month.

Like a month and a half, CNN nothing. Like they lost fucking money on that plane, on Malaysian Airlines flight. Who gives a fuck? They're just constant round-the-clock footage. And you go, there's no reason to care this much, and you look for... That's a great conspiracy theory.

If I were fucking doing methamphetamine for four days, I would go, that sounds so goddamn accurate, and I'd be out there preaching it. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, whoever wrote that, that was Brian Dates on Facebook. Yeah.

That was, yeah, I like that. But I won't, that's, yeah. No, you've started it now. Well, I just enjoy that fucking theory. I like figuring out any way that this is all about to fall down without it being my fault. That's why I like conspiracy theories. I want the fucking world to end. I want us all to end up in FEMA camps where it's not my fault.

I don't want to end up in a fucking camp by myself going, hey, I thought we were all going down. Tour plans. Everyone, listen. thought that we were all going down tour plans everyone listen everyone has asked this question is uh when am i coming where uk our plan is late this year we don't know when we're trying it's not as easy as booking the states where we just you know dial random numbers and get a gig. So we got to get this shit right. Last time I was in the UK, fucking not a good fucking situation. Seven weeks.

Two years ago? Yeah. 2012? Yeah, two years ago. So yeah, we want to avoid the pitfalls of last time and make it quick and succinct and nice. I don't want to... You don't want to see me in the condition I'm in right now. Two weeks in the UK, Fucking hit all the big cities

Try to get near you I'm not going to play fucking Sir Lance a lot Just because it's fucking 20 miles outside of a real city So yeah, that Australia we're working on We've never found a fucking booker worth his salt Talking to some people I'm talking to some people. I'm trying to do a tour.

I don't want to just do Sydney. I want to go to different places. But the fucking deal has to be right. So, yeah, contact my website under the contact page under business submissions and let Brian Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman, sort it out. As far as your town, I generally go on an 18 month,

roughly one year to 18 month rotation. So if I haven't been there in 18 months, I'm probably coming there in the States and Europe will probably tag on Scandinavia and you know, those other places I've played on to the UK. And I'll be there. I'm coming. I swear to fucking Christ. I probably won't play all those weird places that you go,

hey, I'm working on South Africa. Martin Evans, I'm calling you out. You fucking keep cock-teasing me with you're going to get me there. I'd love to tape a special. I have one waiting in the winds that uh i want to i'd love to tape in south africa because i want to tape it in a place that people haven't heard it now all right now the train and rain is getting real loud so i'm gonna have to shut this door down john wessling i love this question he's a a comic. I know him. And when I asked for questions, he says, I'm really tired. All right, let's open.

Because I asked for questions on Facebook and Twitter, people kept saying, Otto and George. Talk about Otto Peterson. Otto and George. And I'm like, why is everyone asking about? That's how I found out he fucking died today, is all these Otto Peterson... Otto and George was this incredible,

beautifully flawed ventriloquist act in that he was a really shitty ventriloquist, which made it funnier, but probably the most obscene, I hate to use the wrong word, but the filthiest fucking act I've ever seen. Worse than Dice Clay. Someone who's that caustic.

Madonna was such a fucking whore her pussy had a drawstring like a laundry bag did you ever see a black vagina that looked like a wallet lady spread her legs I'm doing such an injustice don't haunt my fucking room

she spread her legs a fucking bus pass and some change fell out lady you dropped your visa uh but yeah he's a fucking brilliant comic and he's uh yeah he's he's fucking dead and yes no no one had him in the death pool even though he did uh have uh, he was in a coma last year from meningitis. Oh, wow. And still no one had him in the fucking death pool, and that shows do your research, kids. Anyway, yes, he's a fucking fantastic comic. We talked about him in the Dorfman podcast,

so if you want to hear that story. I only saw him a couple times. One of the times is when Bingo and I get together at the beginning there in Montreal. My goodness, your gut's sticking out like mine is. Let me get to this John Wesley question

and we'll get the hell out. It says, getting really tired of seeing guys die or get sick, and then it's immediately followed by a fundraiser for bills or funeral. Shameful that we don't have a union as comics that at least can provide basic medical. Even more shameful how many comics are multi-millionaires who do nothing to help our cause. John Wesley.

And I'll say, John, no fucking way. Are you kidding? Comedy union. I've tried to find an analogy once when I used to talk shit about unions. But unions, do you quantify how many comedians suck shit and tell me if you want to fucking pay their way i mean comics how many fuck first of all how do you decide i should have done this question right off the top when i was a little more lucid how do you decide who is technically a comedian because i live in uh the closest comedy club to me is in tucson where they have two nights a week they do friday saturday i think only one

show friday to saturday but they do an open mic there's 40 fucking guys on it are they all comics are we all putting it in the fucking kitty? Yeah, I'm a comic, and now I've fucking lost my legs to diabetes or sleeping on a railroad track, so I'm going to hit the fucking kitty that you toiling road comic. Louis Katz. Louis Katz is a fucking great comic. I've worked with him a bunch. We have a lot of stories. He opened for no refunds on that Showtime special. He's coming here, not even to the shithole where I worked last night in Pensacola. day drinkers fucking rummy bar that should not ever have like it it's not deservant of the jukebox

it owns much less live entertainment it's a great place to get shit faced during the day and stumble out to the pool he's playing there and it says fucking donations for the headlining act strongly encouraged because he's that fucking dedicated he's like i called him up i go do you know the place you're playing he goes no they just i don't know i'm just doing shit he says i really i need to do fucking gigs i need to get out there so he's willing to take a bad beat like this and you see the fucking guys i know guys that are great that don't just they just won't even pick up a phone and this guy's coming down here on spec going hey i'll take the warning calls saying from the day drunk that was there before me going they don't even have a stage in this place they have a like a a 10 foot pit that's supposed to be a dance floor and they

say they put the people in there and put the comic on top of it at the brass rail how weird is that is like i just want to do gigs you want to take that dedication from one guy and make him pay fucking union dues to a thousand shitheads who think because they did evening at the improv in 1988 they should get fucking new feet because they drank themselves into oblivion no i don't think so unless you can come up with some set pattern of rules yeah i'll help out a guy that i fucking know the guy aka sean rouse and that's even another kick in the ball sean rouse probably the funniest guy that i know that came up you know after i did and yeah he's a fucking mutant wreck but he's it's self-inflicted for the most part wreck but he's it's self-inflicted for the most part so and i'll i'll even chuck him fucking money when he needs some and i'll one day do a benefit for him not his kid not his kid when you fucking

die rouse that's it i don't give a shit about your family they ain't funny you are so so yeah i'll kick in a few bucks for you but if that were taken out of my pocket because i had to join some bullshit after a union i'm sag after and they send me bills all the time i don't know for what and i'll call them up because i have to be in a union if you do television work you have to be in that fucking union so when i they send me a bill every time i will call them up and say um yeah i just get this bill for whatever how much money uh for my union dues i always wonder what is that for they go it's a union dues no i mean what do you do for me and i've never had anyone that can even

fake an answer well you'd have to talk to you mean you bill me but you can't tell me what for the power company sends me a power and if i say what's it for they go those fucking lights over your head yeah but you do what what exactly do you fucking do for me i just see the word union it's a fucking good question john but just i see the word union and then I think of every shitball comic that would be in on the fucking pool that do nothing and I go, fuck them. Let them have a fundraiser and that way it's kind of

laissez-faire economics. Hey, you know what? You have a fundraiser, have your fans do it. How many people did you amuse? Yes. Let the people you amuse do it. Don't say, well, I'm a comic. promote my fucking comedy class using fucking that sketch comedy thing as a credit. No names mentioned.

I was going to say. Sounds pretty specific. Yeah, it was pretty specific from last night. It was one of those things where I was drunk and miserable and I go, I'll just shut my mouth. Yeah, yeah. Let the people that saw you on that program in 1983 pay your fucking way or the people who took your comedy class and uh yeah

okay so that's the podcast and uh yeah go to dougstanoff.com and sign the mailing list for fuck's sake because eventually Facebook and Twitter will go the way of MySpace and if you have no way for me to get a hold of you, just fill out the mailing list at dougstanhope.com and that's that. Dates are up there. We got June coming up.

We'll be doing a West Coast tour from Southern California up through Seattle. Hopefully, it's not booked yet. Definite. But we'll get somewhere up there. So, yeah, West Coast, time zone, June. After that, we don't know. So, yeah.

Australia, hopefully one day, if anyone's worth their salt. UK later. That's the podcast. Hang on, let me just check. This podcast is sponsored by Louis Katz. That's L-O-U-I-S-K-A-T-Z. Louis Katz. Louis Katz.

Find him. He's doing these same fucking gigs I am. He's out there fucking gutting it out like a fucking hero funny guy I'm gonna here let me do damage to one of his old bits because if he's still using it seven years later fuck him I'll eviscerate it but it was to do with having a threesome where the girls but they weren't really that attractive so it was more of like a a menage i'm not doing it i'm not doing it as good as him he's got these fucking funny oh bingo's just woke up now she wants on the mic oh you know what i didn't do and i will do that if you care

fucking email me or tweet me i i want to the next podcast i get a list good fucking venues for guys like louis katz who are out there just trying to four wall their own deals because you don't have to wait for a comedy club to book you if you're willing to do this shit we're actually only 16 gigs into 31 shows. I'm coming there sometime. Check my dates on DougStanhope.com. Sign the mailing list while you're there, and next time I am near you, I'll let you know. Goodbye.

Play the Matoid. Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Do your blues, it's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time. Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time

One more! Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go Party time Party time Party time, yeah Party time, yeah! Party time, party time Party time, party time

Party time, party time Party time, party time Party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Hey!