The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EPISODE #31: Comedy Hospice Laura Kimball

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

LINKS: http://traffic.libsyn.com/stanhope/doug_stanhope_podcast_031.mp3    Doug invites cancer filled comedy lover Laura Kimball on the podcast to discuss things the downside of having cancer, comedy and a couple of other things.     If you have a story for Doug you can leave a message on the Burner Phone,[phone].Check out comic artist Renee French  - http://reneefrench.blogspot.com/    Recorded June 10, 2014 in the Atrium hotel after the Irvine Improv show with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Laura Kimball and Greg Chaille (@gregchaille). Bible artwork by Renee French. Produced and Edited by Greg Chaille (@gregchaille). Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Check Doug's West Coast tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Register now so you don't miss out.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I liked about you in the end. La, la, la. Now that we got that pesky Irvine improv show out of the way, we can talk legit. You made me do my first shot ever in my life. You know, it seemed like it was going to be funny in my head to just open up with Laura Kimball.

And I just, I imagined a whole lot of things that didn't happen. Like, what would you do if you had a fucking inoperable brain tumor or 30 brain tumors and you could do anything in the world because they go hey there's nothing else we can do for you you're fucked and at some point anytime you could just drop out fucking stroke up seizure out and die good luck what would you do so i So I queried the audience with that, and I got nothing. I think I was expecting my normal road audience that would just yell dumb shit,

but add that fucking Irvine uptight, let's see how the other half lives type of audience that said nothing. Wasn't there one guy who yelled out something stupid? He yelled, but not stupid enough to run with it. I thought that would eat up a chunk of... Someone said, a gentleman said, divorce my wife and go party with someone. Another woman.

With another woman. Yeah, something. Yeah. And then someone said, watch Dawson Creek. That was me. Oh, that was you. Because then someone said watch Dawson Creek. That was me. Oh, that was you. Because that's what I'm doing. That's what she does now.

I watch Veronica Mars and Dawson's Creek. And I watch Mad Men. This is actually pretty much the coolest thing that I do. That might have caused the tumors. Maybe. Like the high expectations and then the low, slowly sinking. This is just fucking days of our lives. I have such a madman story for you.

But first of all, Renee and I, we live about 20 miles apart. And she and I watch the show at the exact same time. And we make sure we're on the minute. And then we text each other the whole time. We're like, oh my God. You live tweet without twe minute and then we text each other the whole time we're like oh my god look at you live tweet without tweeter we just text each other yeah you're so into twitter i don't do the twitter thing but yeah so so it's like it's like uh it's like texting with bigger buttons i guess you can type you don't have to have big thumbs yeah yeah so we're just like live chatting the entire time while we're watching Mad Men talking

about what's going on or looking at Jon Hamm and how hot he is and how huge his penis is. And you can see it constantly. But then, you know, it's also like, oh, my God, look at Jon. I just did a podcast with Jon Hamm who said that is a – What do you call it? You did not. Yeah, he said they actually put that in his pants. What do you call it? How did he phrase it?

You're lying to me because – Prosthetic. Prosthetic. That's what he said. I didn't even – Jon Hamm taught me the word prosthetic talking about the – He said it was the same guy that did boogie nights penis on marky mark yes so john it was actually in the tabloids that they asked him to start wearing

underwear because he doesn't wear underwear and his schlong hangs down his leg so much it's like gigantic and you can't not notice it and so mad Mad Men, I have spent, I think, six seasons not noticing it. So maybe and and the seventh, he will continue. Maybe his eyes are up here. So here's my big Mad Men story. I've been watching that show since the day it started. I've watched it five times through the entire series. I'm now watching it a sixth time

with Renee while we chat. And I just watched the first half of the last season and I'm going to fucking die before the second half of the last season airs. I was so terrified that I didn't want to die before

the end of Breaking Bad. But I could easily die without seeing fucking Mad Men because it doesn't matter. I literally bawled my eyes out at the end. She said she was crying because of the guy who died. I was like, I didn't give a shit about that. I cared about me dying. And I'm not going to see the end of it.

You can't talk off mic, Renee. That's a big rule. So I was totally... But you can give me ice and have the jingle go in the background. I was super upset about that. And I'm still... I'm so... Like, I have all these people with their feelers out going,

do you know anybody who works on that? Everyone knows Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm is a huge comedy fan. I know he is. Even Henry Phillips knows Jon Hamm. See, we need people to talk to him. Because... Well, but they haven't even finished filming it. Yeah, he need people to talk to him. But they haven't even finished filming it. Yeah, he wouldn't know.

They haven't finished filming it. They don't finish until July. You're not really Make-A-Wish Foundation age. How old are you? I'm the same age as you. I'm 47. 47 what month? August.

August. See, I'm March. I'm older than you. I'm older than you, I know. No, I'm March. Oh, you're older than me. Yeah. I always thought I was older than you. I'm older than you. I know. No, I'm March. Oh, you're older than me. Yeah. So I always thought I was older than you.

Listen, here's I know you're dying of brain tumors, but when you get to be my age, you're going to see things a lot differently. I, you know, six months ago, I had all these flights of fancy like you when I was 47 and a lesser 47. And a couple months yes you know once you get to be my age in four months okay six months and then and then what's my big revelation going to be unfortunately you won't live to see how smart you would have been like I am now because you won't be six months older you might have a point there let's let's let's go back okay first of all hey people john ham laura kimball do do some kind of a fight club scene where i'm dying of

brain cancer and if i could just make love to john ham i don't even i brought pornographic films and i have lubricants at my house. Remember that scene in Fight Club? The lady dying of cancer at the support group? I saw that in the theater when it came out. I don't remember that. I'm sorry. It's because your head was buried in some man's lap. Likely.

That's totally me. Probably. So, anyway, I don't want to make love to Jon Hamm. I just want to see the end of the show. Really? You stare at his penis for six seasons, and you're really worried about how it ends? I think it's super hot.

You want to see his dick? I just want to see how it ends. Because I love Joan, and I love Peggy. You have a choice of seeing how the show ends or having John Hamm just come into a hotel room and plop out his cock and go hello my honey hello my baby hello my what do you choose the show all right i'll tell you i'm such a press you have no idea i'll tell you how it ends yeah and it ends in 1995 when he has six kids he's fat and bald and he doesn't care and he talks about how i was big in marketing once you know i was once big

you're probably right actually that's sort of how dawson's creek is ending they went five years after the whole teenage thing i never watched it but i did watch deadwood was the biggest heartbreaker of my life deadwood ended on a cliffhanger and you go they didn't pick up the show what the fuck but how's it how's it end well you can go to deadwood south dakota and it ends as a tourist trap is that an actual place yeah it's a yeah it real show. Like, Mad Men was a real era. You can see how it ends. No, I know, I know. It ends with us as their kids grown up.

Dressed like that. Just exactly how you're dressed. I'm dressed, yes. With the United Airlines. No, they're not dressed like this now. I'm dressed like they were dressed. If that season went, like, five years later, then, then I, Oh, he's trying to dress like mad men.

Cause I got seventies going in there ending at the, uh, no, they're kind of like right around the 70s. Like Pete dresses like that, right? Just getting close to it. We're spending a lot of time on.

Yeah, I know. I know. How did, let's, let's get to you and how we met, how we met. Cause we met a million times before i even started to be my

friend yeah um it's how it works i know especially with you famous people um so i went to the throck morton theater in mill valley to see paul provenza's show that was supporting his book. Satiristas. And you were in that. Hang on. He was. I need you to open that up. And open that up. And get me a fake ashtray. Because if we're doing.

This is the comedy hospice podcast. If you know me at all. I've talked about comedy hospice quite a bit. And he's smoking in front of a cancer patient. Well, you're going to try a cigarette now that you can. No, I smoked for eight years. Did you? Yeah.

Back when I was a teenager. Oh, that's probably what caused the cancer. That's why I have cancer. They would add that as a statistic. Oh, she has cancer? She died of brain cancer? Well, she did smoke. It's not brain cancer. Well, she did smoke. It's not brain cancer.

It's skin cancer. It's melanoma. It's every cancer. Well, you have 30 tumors in your brain, and your skin looks fine. I know. I don't have a skin lesion. Honey, I need a fucking lighter, too. Jesus.

I don't have one. Lighter. A lighter. There's one right here. So we met. I went to the Throck Lighter. A lighter. There's one right here. So we met. I went to the Throckmorton Theater in Paul Provenza. Mill Valley, California. Mill Valley, California.

Great room, typically. Though I think you walked 50% of the audience, including Mort Saul, if you recall. I do remember the quote as they were putting mort saul into a car as he walked out and they had to have a helper put him in a car he said the woman who owns a theater helps them yeah he said i know they have the right to say it but i think that was exactly right um well so i went and and provenza came over to me and said first of all no one listening knows who the fuck mort saul is if you know who mort saul is and you know how to listen to a podcast you're an anomaly well i do but actually i only i only know who mort saul is from going to

the throckmorton because he's there every week. But he's from that, like, the era of Lenny Bruce. They always said if Lenny Bruce had lived and Mort Sahl had died, Mort Sahl would be the legend. Unfortunately, he lived to be Jake LaMotta age. Yeah, I know. I've actually seen him stand up and do comedy. Yeah, I know. I've actually seen him stand up and do comedy. So Provenza came over to me and said, this guy who's headlining, you have to stick around and see him. You have to see he's fucking amazing. But a lot of people just don't get him.

And I can't hear I can't wait to hear what your thoughts are on him because he's just insane. He's like my favorite guy. He was just going on and on about you. And I was like, I've never heard of him. And he's like, make sure to stick around to the end. So I stuck around to the end, and I was there with my friend Dan, and we were like on our feet cheering, just going, oh, my God. And then after the show, i met the other people that

were performing on that like well i didn't meet father grito sarducci but i met like jamie kilstein my good buddy um that was sarcastic and i i have nothing against jamie kilstein i oh we can talk everything i've i've said about him behind his back. I've said to his face more like, yeah, the Joe Rogan episode. Not, not even the, you know, that, that was after the fact, but just about his act and everything. Yeah. I have nothing against him. I just have opinions about comedy anyway.

I just don't want it to sound like i'm secretly attacking him no that's cool i told him my first cd i did i'm doing that like you gasping for breath talking so fast and poet thing that he does well it's almost like music where when you the song ends they clap if you talk really fast and have a barrage of words that last longer than your breath you will get a round of applause at the end it's a fucking skanky trick because they're you're not saying anything i know i was so tense the whole time he was up there because he's so frenetic you clap because you agree i clapped because i was happy it was yeah but first of all my tour manager just put the uh this is a non-smoking room, $250 cleaning fee thing in my face when it's on my credit card. Do you think I've never stayed in a hotel in 24 years, you cunt?

All right, sorry. Don't call him a cunt. He's so nice. No, open that up. There. That's what bingo is supposed to do. Sorry. So I did not, I was like looking for you.

I just wanted to go over to you and tell you I thought you were amazing. And I don't know. You did the whole like you slipped out the back the minute the show was over or something. I don't know. But then the next time I saw you was at the shows. It was the best show I've ever seen you do. It was at the Rickshaw Stop in San Francisco. Wait, I just have to say.

I'll tell you. I'll give you one more me story. I'm not trying to bring you on with your fucking brain cancer to tell me how great I am. It was a cool show. Shut the fuck up and let me talk. It was a cool show because it was standing room. It was like a punk rock club. Do you remember that?

Yeah, yeah. And there was this weird frog table thing. It was like the size of a bar stool, but it was a frog. And I posted the picture of you standing next to it and Provenza posted something on that picture on Facebook saying something Oh my God, please tell me that it was me that turned

you on to him. And what the fuck is that thing you're standing next to? It was very funny. We were at the rickshaw stop and there was a kid, I don't know if you were at this show, there was a kid. I don't know if you were at this show. There was a kid when I looked down out of my peripheral vision that obviously wasn't going to make it through the show. He was too fucked up, a really young kid,

and he's teeter-tottering foot to foot, and you can see he's clapping and laughing out of turn. You know he's just happy to be there. So fucked up. And I said to him, you're not going to be here at the end. And then after the show, I went up to the green room. We weren't selling merch, so I didn't have to go out and glad hand. You were selling merch.

Bingo was up at the front, and that's when I first met Bingo, and she was wearing a super short skirt. I played there a few times. This kid, we went down at the end. The bar is already cleaned up, and this kid is still slumped over the bar, and then he came over. He tried to talk to me, and I'm like, this guy is fucked up, and the bouncer goes over to take him out because he can't walk,

and as the bouncer is carrying, everyone's gone. He's carrying the kid towards the door and the kid starts vomiting on his feet. So the bartender turns from the door to push him through the men's room door to get him into a toilet. He's carrying a walking vomit machine. And you're watching that unfold? Everyone else is gone. We're just having our last shift drink, as they would say in the service industry. And so they put him outside.

We go outside. This kid is completely, he can't make words. He's so drunk. And it's kind of a seedy part of town. Yeah. And I'm like, we can't just leave this kid here. Let's we'll call a cab for him. So we call a cab and we ask him where he lives and he can't make the words to tell us where he lives. So we're like, fuck, what are we doing

with this kid? Did you take him home to your his his phone rang so i answered it who it was his mother no way and i'm like my name is doug stanhope i'm a comedian uh this guy was here i'm his mother i go well he he can't tell us we're trying to put him in his uh we already had gone through one cab we put him in it and then that's when we realized he couldn't tell the cab driver where to go, and we had to take him back out of the cab. And finally, his mother says, well, he lives like 45 miles away. Oh, my God. So that would have cost you $200 to send him in a cab. She's like, no, his brother – I'm going to call his brother.

His brother's in town. So we finally got his brother on the phone and we brought him to our hotel and we waited with him in the lobby for the brother to come. What an ordeal. And then he's vomiting more. So we're trying to take footage because, you know. Of course, yes. You have to document the most heinous parts of people's lives. I don't know if it was Bingo or whoever we were with that was taking footage but him vomiting made me vomit because watching someone puke nothing makes you oh so this footage somewhere of me him puking while i'm laughing at him but then i puke because

i'm watching him puke but we did get him to his fucking brother's car who zipped him out of there. And I did get a call the next day because he had my number on his brother's phone. Evidently, I made an asshole of myself. And thank you for taking care of me. But I've never heard another word from him. That's the guy you want to hear from here and there. Go, hey, remember me? I'm the guy.

I get remember me. i'm the guy who bought you a lot of drinks and well no i don't where's that guy we fucking saved her life you motherfucker i never assume anyone ever remembers me um so so wait let me go on because that was the first night i met brian he was there hennigan yep and and it was the first night I met Bingo. She was such a sweetheart and I bought a shirt from her. Then I had my Satteristas book and you signed it and you wrote something really sweet like, I love you and you've never met me before. It's because I don't have a catchphrase. If I could say Nanu Nanu, Robin Williams was on that show, wasn't he?

No, no. What show are we talking about? Actually, he showed up afterwards. He's there every other week. Yeah, he showed up at the after party where Mort Saul was there and I had to sit away from him. You can hang out with him there every week if you want to. I've hung out with him a bunch of times. Anyway. He's a very nice person.

He is. He's not my friend. I don't know him, but I see him. He was nice to me that night. he is he's not my friend i don't know him but i see him he was nice to me that night um so anyway um but i bought that that shirt that you used to sell that said death of a salesman and and then i forgot it because i got it's jesus on the cross for those who don't know it's like this death of a salesman it was jack and Dino's idea. We sold it. And I have always been. So what happened was I left.

I got talking to Bingo and I left it on the table and went home like an idiot. And it was pre brain cancer. And then I. So I emailed you and I told you I wanted to get another one. So I like went on the store and bought it and you sent it to me. And I've always been too much of a fucking wimp to wear it there's so many Christians in my neighborhood I'm just like terrified that I'm gonna be beaten down or something by the good-hearted Christians when I'm wearing my death of a salesman shirt these yeah these are the things that when I was

saying well now that you have brain cancer and you you have any minute to live excuse right what can you like what what are you not doing well you know here's the thing there's like i one of my friends was just saying she's young and healthy and gorgeous and she's a runner and she's all you know and she's like i realize i'm getting up there in age i just turned 40 and i want to start doing all these bucket list things. And I was, I responded back right on Facebook and I don't know a lot of her friends and I was like I'm dying

and that bucket list shit, it's idiotic. Give me my yellow legal pad and my pen so I don't keep interrupting or I could jot down things I want to fucking say later. I don't, like any of that, I told you on the phone you were my one and only bucket list item I wanted to see you live one more time and that was it and I had you

know we had designs me and Keith Lowell Jensen on uh my backyard party backyard show surprise go yeah just show up and surprise her. Henry Phillips was going to come. This goes back to, I think, February. I don't know. Yeah, he's been talking. Because I told Junior. You don't know about it.

I know. But I told Junior and Steve Pogey and Keith that they should come to a backyard party at my house like two years ago. And so there's always been this ongoing discussion about the backyard party. Even Carlos Valencia was like, I want to get in on it. So there has been that discussion. But Keith told me that he and Paul had been kind of working on maybe doing one, but I didn't know anything about you or Henry.

I've expedited the closest hotels to your house. San Jose is a shit market to fly in and out of, and I had other shit to do. No, it's not. We have a great little airport. No, out of Tucson. Oh, that's true. I couldn't get frequent flyer miles for your death. I'd have to go on an off-market fucking airline.

It's a lot of problems. Just charter a jet. Charter a jet. Why not? Yeah, thank you. Anyway. Actually, I've spoken to Johnny Depp about you when we talked about doing Comedy Hospice. So your name has been in Johnny Depp's ear.

I have to tell you, when I was like, when was 21 Jump Street on? I was probably like 19, 20 years old. And I was so obsessed with Johnny Depp that there was this contest at, it was like American Eagle Outfitters or Miller's Outpost. I think it was Miller's Outpost. And Greg's laughing. do you remember that store and um yeah it was like a shitty jeans store and and they had this thing you fill out an entry form and you can win a trip to go be a walk-on on 21 Jump Street and I took like 10 pads like big like there must have been a hundred sheets per pad and I took like 10 of them and I was a receptionist at a computer company at the time and I just sat

there at the desk and I filled those out all fucking day for like a week and I mailed every one of them in and I got a t-shirt in the mail that was all I won do you still have the t-shirt no I wish I did I don't but that was I was obsessed with him I am now I was never obsessed with him till like we're like some sort of pseudo friends and now there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about Johnny Depp because Johnny Depp called me and I hung out with Johnny Depp and now every day he doesn't call me, I must have done something wrong. I never thought about Johnny Depp in my life.

And I'm like, was it too soon to text Johnny Depp again? Because he texted me back, but I texted him three times and he didn't talk. So I have to wait for a text back from Johnny Depp. That's sort of how I feel about you. That's how fucking brain cancer starts.

It is. You should get of how I feel about you. That's how fucking brain cancer starts. It is. You should get checked out. No, Johnny Depp should get checked out because look at you. You filled out fucking 10 pads of paper about Johnny Depp. Now I'm thinking about Johnny Depp. And I didn't even get to meet him. Yeah. I know. He's a nice guy. But you know what?

You know who else is a nice guy? Half those people in line at the merch booth. Nice people. I don't think about them ever. My fans, the people go, hey, I've- I bought you a drink. I drove 800 miles from an oil rig to see you. Have you really heard that?

I had a guy fly from Africa to see me in London, an island off the coast of Africa. You know what? I don't think of him ever until this moment. You just have a reference. But yes, it's a terrible, terrible thing. I want to tell you, you call me more than most people I know to check on me. Yeah, I feel some sort of obligation. Well, you shouldn't feel obligated, but it's so sweet.

No, I do. You're such a good person. Because I like you, and that's what I was trying to get to, is you're not just a fan of mine. You're a fan of comedy. You're involved. I mean, you've done so many things. When I was at the comedy store, and it was such a fucked up scene and uh junior stopko was there yeah that was his first foray into actual like big big city comedy like he's yeah

he's done a you know he plays chicago and he does some one-nighters and he's the big comic favorite of you know the new scene in chicago but and my husband to be in the comedy store the main room green room where it's still 1970s cocaine related coolest room ever built that green room around cocaine they have the coffee table is shaped like a piano with a mirrored top where i saw and and juniors i like i was at i was saying i was i think i actually asked the manager to find cocaine like it was a cocktail like i gotta get juniors gonna have to do a bump off of this table to say he actually lived this moment so so we we had this crazy fucking weekend and bingo wasn't there and you showed up and we were so fucked up you go i'll sell merch for you but you all you had was that one dvd and we didn't

really have that much to sell you it was when um before turning the gun on himself had just come out and you only had like 15 of them but but then junior had the box of henry phillips cds to sell and so he and i were doing like okay hang on for the listening audience junior stopka would just go to thrift stores and buy other comics cds or dvds from thrift stores and then sell them at the merch booth i don't have my own shit but i have other comic shit they're probably they're better comics than me i'll sign them i love you as the other comic so somehow we get a hold of a bunch you got a box of them at your house and you brought them to henry and henry's like i don't want them and he told junior he could sell him. Yeah, so Junior... Anyway, we're so fucked up at the comedy

store that you took over and you just took charge because bingo, her job, she wasn't there. So you took over and then we were doing two nights the next day with the most reeking LA hangover since the last time

I was there. Said, hey, I'm gonna come come again I can help you out with whatever and we were probably still fucked up going into the next show and you just sold merch again it was totally it's I love doing that I did it for your cops too but I mean I've seen you you were at the green room taping the green room which hey sign whatever petitions going around to get that back on the green room was the best show ever paul provenza's green room yeah on showtime yeah you were there like i've seen you a million places san jose all the time so it's not like you're some fucking weird stalker of me you're a fan of comedy totally yeah so it's funny keith lowell j, the guy in Sacramento, he I know a lot of the Sacramento comedians, the San Francisco comedians.

And he's told me that they're always kind of talking amongst themselves, asking, what is her angle? Like they want to know if I'm trying to fuck some of them or you show up with your husband. So that's most of the time I don't. Oh, all right. Most of the time, because we have kids, most of the time one of us has to stay home. Hang on.

I'm a natural born host and my friends just showed up. So, yeah. No, no. I was going to make sure they knew where their cocktails were. Rene French, renowned artist

and friend of the moribund Laura Kimball is actually doodling in stolen Bibles so we can sell them for more money, which will result in the charitable contribution of us signing way too big a tips for not that friendly fucking bartenders. It's usually where most of our money goes and you go hey i've been seen on google don't you know me here here's a big tip maybe you'll be nice to me after this and they never are if it spills to another bar that's where the that's the cash cow yeah as long as you keep the money at the bottom that's my theory keep the money at the bottom. That's my theory. Keep the money at the bottom.

Do we have drinks somewhere? Pee waits here. There's a giant bottle of vodka. Is there a mixer for that? We have club soda in the next room. I'll be right back. Get back on here. I don't want you to die before this is over. I might.

There's a good chance. I'm riddled with cancer. They were at the show. Don't worry. Okay. Yeah. So I don't just have brain cancer. We have to cover that. It's all over. I have a big tumor in my mammary gland. All right.

Everyone thinks you have an angle. Right. Yeah, that's what Keith says is that all the comedians that he knows are always saying, what is her angle? Because I'm friendly to all the comedians that I meet. I only talk to the ones that I like as people. But in San Jose, you would always show up and have a presence as though you were like an owner or a GM.

Jose, you would always show up and have a presence as though you were like an owner or a GM. And I so that would that was what I thought. Not an angle, but you have like a command of, oh, this woman's not just a regular, but has a housewife. No, no, no. You have like you own the fucking club. Well, so I went to my friend. I have this friend named Royale Watkins, and he produces a show in New York City called Mixtape Comedy Show. I know Royale.

You do? Yeah, but I'll just say it since you're dying anyway. You better not say one bad word about him. No, no. He is like the most insanely awesome guy ever. It's a wicked problem. It's a. And this goes across the board for races because i forget so many people

but when i know i know a black guy but i don't know which one he is it's not a you all look alike it's a you all human beings look i totally know what you mean that are comics but i always feel bad because like roy there's like five guys that I've met that I know but I'm like oh fuck like oh shit which guy is this but when it's a black guy you're like oh fuck I'm an awful person

I know just what you mean I know there's like a couple there's a couple comedians that he does a lot of stuff with Bill Bellamy and one other guy that I can't tell apart and it's just because I don't watch their comedy well that lot of stuff with Bill Bellamy and one other guy that I can't tell apart. All right. And it's just because I don't watch their comedy. Well, that's actually offensive because Bill Bellamy is, yeah. He's really famous, but I've never seen his comedy. Right.

But there are white comics like Jim Gaffigan and some other guy, Drew Carey kind of guy that I can't tell apart. I see their pictures and I don't know who they are. Anyway. Go ahead. kind of guy that I can't tell apart. I see their pictures and I don't know who they are. Anyway. Go ahead.

So Royale, I went to his show in New York City and it's 99% African-Americans in the audience. And 1% black people. Sorry. I thought that was funny. Did I? So is my cancer acting up? I don't know.

It's mostly black people in the audience. I was one of like maybe five white people in the audience and it was packed it was at gotham comedy club that's where they do it and um and there were all these like old rapper guys there was a guy from houdini and a guy from full force and they were there i know so rad and they were coming over to me and talking to me after the show i was talking to royale and um tony rock was there chris's brother but i I didn't meet him. But we were like hanging out and all these people were going over to Royale going, so is she like a label chick or is she, does she like? You have that, you carry that confidence of someone who owns the place.

That's so weird. I don't see that in myself at all. Yeah. I'm like a mom. That's how I see myself. So that's funny. But you do carry yourself with that type of, you know, not aggression. It's not aggression at all. It's like, hey, I own this place and I'm so happy you're here. Like you're so welcoming into a place. It's not even your place. Hey, make yourself at home. I just showed up here too. your place hey make yourself at home i just showed up here too i remember in san jose at the improv i went up to you i like waited in the line to get my picture taken with you and and i had already seen you like five times at that point or something and um there was it was right in the

midst of that whole charlie sheen debacle and and i said another time i've been slighted in my career based on that bit was when he did that crazy comedy tour. Fresh off. I'm fucking crazy. Yeah. Winning. Yeah. I don't get a call for that. Really?

Jeff Ross. What? What did Jeff Ross have to do with it? He went on. Charlie Sheen did a comedy tour like fresh out of that. Right. I remember that. But I don't know.

Jeff Ross being affiliated with it. Yeah, Jeff Ross, I think, headlined the thing. I think, didn't Charlie Sheen hit up a bunch of comics about punching it up a little bit? Tiger's Blood or something? Either way, he did a comedy tour. Yeah. What did he explain? Jeff Ross was the guy. Wait, I'm the only fucked up guy left why didn't

you pick me rick shapiro even and he's not even doing anything i know but i'm saying why did you pick a fucking straight guy like jeff ross jeff ross is brilliantly funny and yes jeff ross and margaret cho i do drop your names both in a you've been dropping your names a lot tonight. Yeah, in that bit. So Margaret Cho is my Facebook friend now. Margaret Cho was supposed to be at the show tonight and called me. And she didn't come and I was there and she's my new friend? Yeah, she called me to apologize for not coming,

even though I forgot she told me she was coming. You should have told her I was coming. Either way, I do drop her name in that closing bit, but it's not derogatory. Okay. Anyway, so how did you get into comedy? All these places. I started going to comedy shows when I was a teenager. You probably weren't even around then.

You probably weren't coming to the West Coast. You probably weren't even around then. I was like, you probably weren't coming to the East, I mean, the West Coast. But I was seeing people like Bobby Slayton and Bobcat Goldthwait way back when he did his crazy voice. I don't know, Will Durst. I got a ton of those guys back then. Bubbles, Larry Bubbles Brown. I love it. Larry Bubbles Brown brought me a baseball card as a gift because he would stop it stop smoking my goddamn cigarettes either you

smoke you don't smoke bingo if you if you don't smoke don't smoke my fucking last five cigarettes if you do smoke go to the gas station and get your own pack anyway uh yeah larry bubbles brown he brought me a baseball card. He goes, I bring you baseball cards. I found out the year you were born, and he brought me a Bob Euchre card from 1967, from the year I was born. You didn't get one of those? I didn't. He doesn't know you have cancer, then.

He totally knows, and he actually, I don't know if I should. Trash him. Fuck it. No, I was just going to say, I don't know if people know he had melanoma, but it hadn't spread. All right. You're trying to get into this because you want to make it clear. Love him.

I love bubbles too. But you want to make it clear it's not brain cancer. It's melanoma. It's melanoma. That caused 30 tumors in your brain. And I'm the asshole, but go ahead. 60% of melanoma patients end up with what they call secondary brain cancer. So I was diagnosed with melanoma. You always have to have a

fallback plan. Listen honey I know you want to make it big with brain cancer but have a B plan. I don't even know what to do with that one. Okay. But honestly, when I hear about skin cancer and put on sunblock, you think, who, like, I just try to visualize skin cancer killing you. It is the, it's like the second most deadly cancer there is.

It's so heinous. But so most people who have melanoma. Explain it. Most people have melanoma. They get like a mole that looks funny. They get it cut off and they're fine. Yeah. But I didn't have a mole.

I didn't have a mole that looked funny. I had, I was just adjusting my bra strap one day and right next to my boob i felt this super hard very solid lump that was not moving and i just went that none of those rappers ever pointed out to you no they didn't after all those all those people all the comics feeling my boobs it was um it was just this huge bump and i went to get it biopsied. And even the guy who biopsied it was like, this doesn't look like breast cancer because all he does is breast cancer boobs. And, I mean, tumors. And then they called me a couple days later and said, no, it's actually skin cancer that has spread throughout your body. It's already advanced stage.

You're fucked. All right. So it's the mole's and then you called me all right go ahead go ahead later that night i don't know how you found out but you said somebody told you and i had posted on facebook with like a blog thing that i had just been diagnosed with cancer and you called me you were with andy andrist yeah and junior and i think you were there too but i didn't know you and you were there and you were there i know that's what i was thinking and um and he's saying that you have melanoma and i was i was standing outside by my pool and i was

laughing my ass off and it just made me so happy and and i just thought it was the coolest thing i'm like trying to tell people what happened and they're just like well that's horrible and i'm like oh my people are fucking assholes that was like the best thing ever that's why we want to start comedy hospice i think you should make it make it like a movement because it is but at the same time a lot of people can't handle it i mean i do that with what i call your brain cancer now but melanoma always sounds you like you're your skin killing you like you can't visualize i can't visualize skin cancer killing you unless it's making you shrivel up into a ball like i pick so it So it starts as a mole and then it goes into-

But it didn't with me. So what happened with me, they say less than 5% of patients end up with melanoma, already spreads throughout their body without what they call a primary lesion. So I didn't have a primary lesion. And I have five doctors look at me. Tell me about your primary lesion. I was going to make an offhanded comment about the girl that gave me herpes who looked like Uma Thurman. And I have five doctors. Look at me. Tell me about your primary lesion. I was going to make an offhanded comment about the girl that gave me herpes who looked like Uma Thurman.

That's a primary lesion. Kansas City, I'm still looking for you. You're talking about like a primary lesion would be like where they would see that mole that would move or something like that. Yeah, they would see like a kind of a mole that looks like it's maybe turning black or changing shape or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Or it grows. So you're dying of skin cancer that none of it is on your skin. That's what's fucking with my head. Right.

So that's why I say less than 5% of patients who are diagnosed with melanoma have what they call subcutaneous. So it's below the skin. So don't call it skin cancer, you fucking assholes. It's a misleading label. No, it's a melanoma tumor. It's a melanoma cell. It's the cell of the cancer. That's how they diagnose it.

So it could be anywhere in your body. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's a bad label to call it skin cancer. Call it something. Because 95% of people have a mole. They have it, and a lot of it comes from UV rays. They say tanning beds are like one of the most common causes of it. So stop doing the tanning bed things, Dan Hope, finally.

Okay. I go to reverse tanning beds. I get this jaundiced pallor from a tanning bed in reverse where I lay down. I go, do it backwards. Make me look more sullen and withdrawn. That's exactly how I've always looked. I've only gotten a few sunburns in my life, but I have the redhead gene, which Renee has also. That's a really common thing. my life but i have the redhead gene which renee has also that's a really common thing i will i will fall back on my we are always wrong routine which i did part of tonight the best i could

remember but yeah we're always wrong oh i didn't do any of that oh that was the chunk that was missing hey enough of you let me just do this bit for irvine that i forget this whole chunk of material, which is why I thought I was fucking done. Anyway, so now it's spread. So I found out in January. I had been on this medication. I was diagnosed in August of 2013, and I started medication in June that completely knocked out all the cancer. There was no sign of cancer anywhere in me. And at that point, I had had the big tumor in my chest. I had a whole lot of tumors in my lungs and I had another tumor

somewhere in my chest. But anyway, um, that those were all gone completely on medication. And then I went in for another test in January and my doctor was just like, holy shit. My doctor ended up having to take anxiety medication after he saw me because he saw my brain scan and he turned sheet white. I can't sleep. I'm not good at this anymore. I know. He was,

he was so mortified by my brain scan. He was just like, holy shit. When he saw it, I was just like, thank you. That was a good meeting bill cosby routine oops i know totally so yeah he was at that time at that time i had 12 i had 12 tumors in my brain and then i went in he made me go in to get gamma knife radiation, which is where they stick this frame on your head and they screw these screws in four places in your skull.

Like with the halo? Yes. And they tighten them down so it's like a vice. They do it to some huge percentage of pressure or whatever so you can't move your head at all. And that was the day I was supposed to see you in San Diego I'll never forget the day that there was that open seat in San Diego I'm like what the fuck you said this is sold out

I'm kidding shut the fuck up you totally were so nice you totally got Lynn Shawcroft and Henry Phillips to come do the show because I love them both so much and you're so fucking sweet and then I couldn to come do the show because I love them both so much and you're so fucking sweet and then I couldn't come to the show

and then my doctor's like yeah that radiation didn't really do anything and I was just like god damn it I missed Stanhope for that that was so they were giving me shots and shots of morphine just for the pain of this stupid frame in

my brain. And it was like the worst day ever. And I must have taken like six Percocets. I had four shots of morphine, I think, and it did nothing for this insane brain pressure. That would be my next question because you seem fine. You could be fucking dead at any second. Well, my risk for like clotting and stroke and all that is definitely higher. So flying down here was a risk that I had to take. Altitude.

Everybody, apparently, I just learned this. Everybody deals. Everybody's brain swells when they fly from the air pressure. But if you have brain cancer and you have swelling around the tumors, that gets worse and worse when you're flying. So I had to take. Hang on. I have to take a quick time out. This podcast is being brought to you by Amtrak.

Hey, try the California zing line. Get a sleeper car by Amtrak. Hey, try the California fucking Zing line. Get a sleeper car. Amtrak, it's the way to go. If you don't know when you're going to die, you're not really on a schedule. What about pop off? Are you coughing at my cigarette smoke? I just sucked a big mouthful in.

Say it in the mic. I can't. I just sucked a big mouthful in. Say it in the mic. I can't. I can't talk. She just fucking brain cancer dying lady just fucking walked off the set because of my secondhand smoke in the hotel room. No, you made me laugh and I sucked a huge pile of smoke down my throat. I can't talk. Have you tried medicinal marijuana yet? Yes, I have.

But that doesn't make you cough. No, I didn't smoke it. Oh, edibles? Well, so yeah. So I have to. Patty, ice? Thanks. Go ahead.

Every single story of mine is like a six-hour long story. So this is going to be worse than the Marilyn Manson debacle. Don't worry. this all makes sense. This is all linear. It is pretty linear. So comparatively, at least. Hang on. For the record, the only person I allowed to listen to the Marilyn Manson tapes was Laura Kimball because she's dying of brain cancer and won't tell anyone. I have not even listened to it.

I didn't. And in fact, I was hoping I could let Renee hear it. See? It's gone. You're already... Good. Good. It's gone.

It's gone. I wasn't going to be spreading it around. I know. That's how fucking even dying people have vanity, where you go, don't make fun of me for being fat. You're fucking dying. No, it was the steroids that I had to take from my brain cancer that made me fat. And I'm not supposed to talk about this.

But it's the same way that I go, okay, I'm just going to let you. You're dying of fucking brain cancer any second. You can listen to these tapes. But just one friend. I'm just going to tell one friend I'm going to let them listen. It's how people work. I'm saying when to tell one friend. I'm going to let them listen. It's how people work. I'm saying when you're dying, it doesn't matter.

You still work like people work. I always abide by your rules. You also sent me, well, bingo, I think emailed me, but you sent me Beer Hall Push before anyone else. And I didn't tell a soul. Well, everyone had heard it. That's why you put it on a DVD. You're done saying it. Maybe that's true. I don't know.

But you were like, you want to be the first person to watch this. It's the rough cut. And I got to watch it. I didn't tell a soul that I got to watch that. All right. Well, good. That installs the fact that, yes.

Nobody has heard the Marilyn Manson. Not even my husband heard the maryland manson interview so well no one would want to i know it was pretty hard to hey there's no more dawson creek listen i could die at any moment and i'm out of dawson creek i know i'm on my last episode i don't know what to do. You're going to have to refer me to one of your great shows. We're going to get John Ham on the phone. What were we talking about? Hang on. I have a note here I wrote to myself. Oh,

bucket list. You said you were so tired of bucket list. Oh, yeah. I don't have any interest in any of that bucket list stuff. Honestly, all I want to do is be home with my family and see you. That was it. I wanted to see you,

but in general, all I want to do is be home with my family. The couple of things I could think of that would be on my bucket list are things I've already done, but I was too drunk to remember. See, I don't know that. Like Virgin Atlantic first class.

Nice. Brian Hennigan got me a deal just to do a $2,500 show. He got me first class from LA to Heathrow on Virgin Atlantic first class. And I took a Xanax and the full bar back when I didn't have the tolerance. And this is where you can schedule a massage. They have a bar on the upper deck where you can actually sit at a bar.

I slept through the whole fucking thing. Instead of a bucket list, I'm starting a list of people. Instead of that, most of these things, I'm starting a list of people I want to get shit-faced with before I die. Like who? With Bill Murray at the top of the list. Yes! That would be my number one

guy. Have you met him? No. I don't know anybody. I'm trying to start a different list. Who else is on that list? This guy, Norm MacDonald doesn't drink. start a different list. Who else is on that list? Well, this guy's like Norm Macdonald doesn't drink. He would be on the list if he drank, but he doesn't even drink. And he's a Jesus guy.

No, he's not. He's a weird Jesus guy. Someone was just telling me a really great Norm Macdonald story. But I would still like to get shit-faced with him and argue it. That would be a guy. But he plays poker. Maybe he could do that.

But he smokes from the pot. Are you not a pot guy? No, this would be a list of people to get drunk with. Oh, I think it was my friend Curtis DeMartini. I don't know if you know him. He hangs out with Larry Bubbles Brown. And he used to work on that Alex Bennett show, live. I remember Alex Bennett in the Bay Area.

So he used to work on that show. So he knows, like, every comedian except maybe you. I don't know. But he was telling me the story about getting stoned with Norm MacDonald and going around to bars and talking to women and stuff. And he said it was a blast. That guy. That was recent. There's a guy, fucking Lenny Clark.

Lenny Clark was one of the funniest people I've ever hung out with. And, you know, he'd go on stage and he'd just talk. But it was like if you spent all day with him, going on stage was just part of his day where he's just that. He goes into the steakhouse we're going to eat at. And he's funny to the hostess. He's funny to everyone. He's talking to people at the table yeah he's like the host of the party of life like that's and he doesn't drink anymore but i yeah i

want to get a bucket list of people i want to get drunk with before i die people are actually drinking i just don't have the timeline that you have what's your timeline you know um my doctor won't give me a timeline because there's just all these new treatments coming out and they're supposed to um in january he thought i had just a couple months he was like this is really super bad it's really bad and um because i had tons of swelling and like blood and stuff it was like really nasty stuff wait blood you're pointing at your head. Yeah.

So they were like coming out of your follicles. Explain. There are all these tumors all over my head with all this swelling around them and blood. And so it was just like internal or external. Internal. I mean, in my brain. But if I was like looking at you,

you wouldn't know. It's all still there. But you, but you keep, it's not weeping out of your head. It's in my brain. But if I was looking at you... You wouldn't have seen it. No, it's all still there. But you keep... It's not weeping out of your head. Well, it's in my brain. So there's one big one here and one big one here. And then there are 29... One on the side of your head and one over your eye.

My right eye. And that's where all the word recall stuff is. I feel like I'm doing pretty well. You're doing great. I can't remember words. When you're pointing, people can't see that. No, I know. We're not doing this for the room. There's people listening. I was doing it for Bingo.

Bingo's not... Is she asleep? Laura has positioned her left hand over her left ear and over towards the frontal lobe on the right side. I wanted the Chaley commentary. I like that. So medicinal marijuana. Get back to that yeah

you lit up on that so when I I have to go back that's why I said every story is like four hours long because I have to go back and tell you that

when I was a teenager I tried pot and I hated it it made me anxious total stress case I guess made me super anxious

it made my heart palpitate I would just be like freaking out me too and I never enjoyed it it never made me gigglypitate. I would just be like freaking out. Me too. And I never enjoyed it. It never made me giggly or happy or anything. It just fucking stressed me out. So when I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband Paul was like, you know, you may consider it.

And I was like, but I don't have any side effects that are making me want to even try it. You know? It doesn't affect my appetite. I wasn't having any pain really at that point. Obviously, it didn't affect your appetite because you're fat. I know because I'm super fat. I know. 30 pounds, Doug.

So, anyway. Sorry. I brought this up on stage. know 30 pounds dog so anyway sorry I brought this up on stage I don't know if I brought it up on the podcast but one of the first things she said was don't make fun of me because I got fat like you fucking died of cancer we're hoping that you get here to the show before you

fucking die like I'm gonna be worried that you're fat I don don't know. I never know what's going to come out of you. Didn't you say something like the power of the ego? Yes, you were talking about my vanity. Vanity is alive in a cancer patient. The ego and the sloth.

I think all seven sins, deadly sins. Sloth, I watched Dawson Creek. Gluttony. Pride pride i think people are gonna think i'm fat when i'm dead i eat all day every day until pat well past my bedtime so you so i so then so then one of my relatives called me and said you know what there's this whole thing about and it was really funny it was like this very serious i think i can help you on the phone and i was just like really you've never

called me before and and um so then he came over and and he had this it was like a like a one of those hotel size little honey jar things of liquid like hemp it was hemp oil but it looks like it looks like molasses or something but it's even thicker and um he was like you just have to take like i forget how much he said it was like 100 cc's or something like that it was like as big as your cigarette of this every day and it'll shrink your tumors and so i actually like went and read up on it thinking wow maybe i should look into that so he gave me this stuff and first he handed me this bottle and i said the thing is i can't handle being stoned i just don't like it i freak out and he goes here i'll give you this one with

it's got virtually no thc it won't have any psychoactive effects. So I gave it to my husband to try. And I said, because he smokes pot on occasion. He's a musician, you know. So I said, can you try it first? He likes pot. I don't. So I said, can you try it first and see if it really is not psychoactive?

So he's like, sure. So I said, can you try it first and see if it really is not psychoactive? So he's like, sure. So we bought those little clear capsules that you can get at the health food store. Like gelatin. Yeah, little gelatin capsules. You can pack your own vitamins or whatever. So we bought those, but then realized that that was way too much. So Paul took like a toothpick, my husband, and dipped it in just like the tiniest amount it

was smaller than a grain of rice and he just swallowed it down not the toothpick but the just the goo yeah and and he was like okay i'm gonna go out in the back house and play some guitar and he came back in he goes i have to go pick up the kids from the mall and like a minute later the car is back in the driveway and he walks in and he's like i'm so fucking stoned i can't even believe it i cannot drive and i was just like i'm so glad i didn't take that because i would have been out of my mind so then then and then you find out he has no melanoma whatsoever. It cured him completely. It did.

He has no melanoma. So then months later, I get diagnosed with the brain cancer. And I'm like, okay, you know what? I think I might be willing to try it. Because there are all these medical studies through universities saying that the hemp oil actually does shrink brain cancer, which really rare like most things most chemos they don't affect brain cancer it's like they just there's a barrier around it that keep everything from getting into it but apparently hemp oil has the ability to so i was like okay i'm gonna try it so it's really expensive we gave back the other other stuff to the relative because we just were like,

no, that's not going to happen. So we ended up buying some. And again, it was like the size of your cigarette. And they're like, you're supposed to do one of these every day. And again, I took the little toothpick thing, took that. It was Super Bowl Sunday this year. So while you were partying for nine days, I had my one day where I took this extremely tiny amount of pot. And within like 15 minutes, all of a sudden my brain was just like, oh, my God, you're going to die. Oh, my God. It feels like your brain is going to blow up. Oh, my God.

You'll never see your kids again. Oh, my. Like everything. I couldn't get out of this horrible spiral of like everything was horrible. I was having the worst trip ever. And again, it comes back to mad men so my husband comes in i'll never see that giant john hamcock in real life my husband comes in and it was so funny because he had left the house for like five minutes which felt like a fucking eternity to me And he came back in and then he went to the bathroom and I was pacing in front of the bathroom, like tripping, just going, Oh, I'm so miserable. I'm going to die. And he, and I was just like, are you okay in there? And he's all,

what is your problem? And you know, just not even thinking about it. He finally comes out and I was like, I'm totally having a bad trip. I just can't even deal with this. And, and he's like, okay, well, let's just sit and talk. And so we sat down for like a minute and I couldn't, everything was just going negative. Everything, like he'd say, well, what do you think we, you know, should we do this next week? And I'm like, I may not be alive next week. And I was just full on drama queen, miserable. And he goes, well, what do you think we should do and i was like i want to watch mad men so we watched mad men and it like completely brought me right back into my it was that's really sad that was my comfort food i know it's really sad no it's not no it's sad for me that i i'm kind of the same like that we get i could just fucking die watching bad fucking serial dramas and that'd be fine it would be totally all the real life i've led i could just drift off in a boardwalk empire did they really kill off michael pitt early because he's a junkie

because i he's i followed i followed He's on Dawson's Creek. I followed that rumor and I picked him in my death pool. I wish I could make you famous so I could have you in my death pool next year. I know, but you couldn't have Amy in your death pool. We won't talk about that. That was sad, right? She wasn't in your death pool. Who's Amy?

Whiskey Girl. Oh, yeah, no. She wasn't famous at all. She's just good. Right. Famous and good are two different fucking towers of leisure. What does that even mean? What is that? I don't know.

But any way. Is that what you said? You know what? If I said it with confidence, people would look it up. But the fact that I backtracked, they'd go, what great literary reference is that? Whoever said Towers of Leisure? That was from Shakespeare. It was on Boardwalk Empire.

Google that, please. Well, you try to get a fucking medical marijuana card. Oh, my God. That in itself was hilarious. Don't tell me this is a six-hour story because that's where i was leading you before and that was a four-hour story shut up and let me talk stop yelling at me so my son 13 years old walking down the street in venice last summer and this guy comes up to him and goes hey you want a pot card and my son's like no thank you well now he'd say hell yeah. And he's 14 now.

First of all, let's get back to what a bad mother you are for letting a 13-year-old kid walk unaccompanied down Venice Beach. No, he was with an adult male. He was with an adult male who was trying to give him a fucking marijuana card going, I'm your real father

here, come with me, there's candy in my van. By the way way that story makes it sound like it's easy to get a pot card it is especially if you walk down the street and this is where she's going i think i'm going all right so so your son have the thing in my purse you have to see this thing to believe it so i'm my son is walking down the street and the guy goes do you want a pot card my son was with his uncle and he's like, no, thank you. And then shortly... Skip to the part where your uncle has this

pot card that he stole from his nephew. Shortly thereafter... I don't think he'd want the pot card. Beat it, kid. This is between me and him. Go ahead. Well, so shortly thereafter, Paul walks into a pot club and says, I have headaches. And the guy goes, well, I forget what the amount was.

Your husband. My husband. Yeah. And he had to pay like a hundred bucks and they handed him a pot card. I go to my doctor. I'm seeing my oncologist and he's like, so at this point I've got brain cancer and I've got a lot of headaches. And so he's like, well, what kind of medication do you think we should work with?

You know, there's a lot of medications and I'm like, don't really know i've taken percocet it's not really helping right now and you know he's like well we could try oxycontin whatever and my husband says maybe can you issue a pot card for the record uh so so the jury hears this correctly she pronounced oxycontin the right way that's how white upper fucking class she is. Did I not say Oxycontin, which is how my friends say it? Yeah, cotton. You didn't say cotton. You said content.

That's how fucking white this woman is. I am. I'm like suburban mom. So anyway, I am. So I get this form from my doctor. It's like University of California, San Francisco, oncology, melanoma clinic, my doctor's name. And then there's this full-on letter. My patient has stage four melanoma.

It's terminal cancer. It's like this totally full you know, full letter. Suicide note. But it's like completely, it's like the most official thing. So we go to this place. Actually, these guys are like the sweetest guys in the world. It's in Campbell, Green Jeans. That's the name of the little club.

Is this in Venice? Get your plug in. Go ahead. Is this Venice? No, no, no. This is up in San Jose. I know you came here to plug i know you came on the podcast yeah to plug the pot club that i went to once um so we we go in there and the guy was like looking at this letter and he had no idea what to do with it and he's like what do

i do he's like calling over another guy and and the's like, oh, you have to look up the doctor's name in our system. For whatever reason, my doctor's name, because he's not like a pot club doctor, so his name isn't in the system. It probably looked like a sting operation. I know.

Because everyone else just goes, oh, my knee goes weird when I do this. Oh, here's a card. I know, right? But this is an official letter. This is a sting. I know. Cop had to write this. I think I even texted Bingo at the time. I was

standing there. I'm not even exaggerating. 30 minutes while the guy's trying to figure out how to officiate my official letter so that I can get the so I can walk into the pot club to see what they have. And Paul's already got his card in hand and he's like you

know been in there before and they're they're super nice but the guy's like i'm so sorry i don't i just don't even know how to get you in our system another guy finally comes over and says you have to call the hospital and verify that she's a patient i'm like my fucking 13 year old son can walk down venice boulevard and get a card handed to him and i'm standing here for 30 minutes just like begging and i've got cancer and and so anyway finally it's kind of like if you go to a a sold out ball game some there's there's a scalper that'll give you tickets outside but if you call the box office they'll go there's no more tickets sorry well there's a one-legged uh hoppy negro with a twitchy eye that'll sell you tickets outside but if you call the box office no way you're getting into this game yeah it seems like all

you would have had to say was like well tear up that note i can't get to sleep at night right i know i've got freckles i've've got whatever. I've got something. I think that's a Keith Lowell Jensen joke. Yeah, I mean, it was... You can steal jokes when you're dying. No, totally. On stage or off.

I was completely mortified. I'm good, thanks. They were super cool. I walked in and they're like you get a free joint as as like your your new customer prize and I'm all I don't want that okay thank you wait that's what you were there for no I didn't want to smoke it oh so did you get your card okay so I got so then the whole thing happens oh in this county you actually have to go to the county with a letter like this and get a card but you can bring but but they put me in their computer so now i can go to that

place and just show my driver's license so i don't have like an official card so are you doing no edibles or so i tried i tried these things called chiba chews and they're they basically taste like tootsie rolls that are pot-flavored. They were kind of gross, but I got the ones with no THC in them. They just have the – Yeah, it's called the Tootsie Roll. Yeah, you're so funny. That was good.

It just has the CBDs, like the cannabinoids in them. Okay. And I don't know. Are you a pot guy? Oh, yeah. Look at me. Do you know these things? I know.

Well, look at me. I'm just learning this stuff as I go. But we're going to see if maybe that helped my headaches. It gave me the worst headache, so I didn't do that. And then- What are the side effects? What are my side effects that I have? You could be dead at any second, but your spry, as they say in Bad Santa, is granny spry?

Yes. I'm spry. No one would look at you and think that you're anything other than incredibly fat. And my hair is falling. Look how bald. I have bald spots. Once again, for the listeners at home, she has flowing blonde hair down past her shoulders. Don't worry.

There will be a thumbnail on this podcast. God, don't put a picture of me. I had alopecia areota when I was first starting in comedy, which is balding in spots. So I had this weird bald spot, like almost male pattern balding, but as though it spilled over to a side. It went just completely bald, like right here on like the. That happens in patches, right? Yeah. Like there's no rhyme or reason.

So I could go over it because I had a mullet back then. Oh, nice. God, you're hot. But yeah, you might you might go oh that maybe thin it's not like you look like a cancer patient you don't seem like a cancer patient much less terminal

to you know the brink of fucking death but you are so what like what how does it fuck with you the main side effects come from the drugs that I take. Like, I wouldn't even let you touch my skin. My skin is covered in these really funky, gross bumps that I don't, I don't even know why that's happening, but it's apparently a big side effect.

That's why I wouldn't let you touch my penis. But that only happens every so often. So I have this right here. There's a lump. I'm pointing at my collarbone. There's a lump on my collarbone. This thing, I don't even know what it is, and it sends out these pain spikes out through my chest.

For the record, what she's showing me is a bump, not a weeping lesion, not an open sore. No, it's just my skin. There's something under my skin. And I don't know what it is, but it's getting bigger. It's like a baby testicle. No, it's bigger than, I mean, it's

smaller than that. I've had a baby. I've never seen a baby testicle. I have. It was smaller. I've seen them online, but I... I know you've seen them online. Yeah. We already know a lot about you. It's a weird cachet in my...

But the main thing is I get headaches. That's the main thing. I get headaches. Hey, listen. I'm not a fag. And my... There was a lady baby in that porn. I watch hetero baby porn.

Can you plug this porn movie that you watched? Movie? I'm sure there's plenty of people who want to know the name of that one. Just put very heterosexual baby porn in a red tube and you'll see all sorts of lumps like that classy classy stuff so okay i don't think this is necessarily funny but i was getting laughs from the patio so i ran with it um so i have i have joint pain like my when i wake up in the morning i'm seriously like 100 years old and i need okay you have lumps all over your body

i have those i have joint pain what else what and i have headaches so i really don't have i don't have headaches i don't have cancer i don't have really significant in fact my doctor i like i take percocet like there's no tomorrow. At this point, all I'm doing is addiction maintenance. But they did tell you that you will probably die without ever knowing it happened. You'll probably just either have a seizure or go to sleep. No, I mean, not necessarily because there's also tumors in my lungs. So if they fill up my lungs, that one's supposed to be really gnarly when you die from the lung tumors because you can't breathe.

And it's like, you know how that works. But at some point, you told me they had tumors because you can't breathe and it's like but at some point at some point you told me they had said that you probably won't see it coming you'll just die right well that was earlier in the year right that was earlier in the year when because unfortunately when you develop brain cancer secondary brain cancer most of your treatment options go away well my doctor was like well fuck, fuck it. Why don't we just try doubling the dose of the cancer medication you're doing and see if that works? And we did. And it was working like my tumors are getting smaller. So I did that. And then I just started this other one that's like an infusion. I sit with a needle and an IV bag for an hour every two

weeks and that one makes me feel like hell and it usually after the second infusion puts you in the hospital with like really nasty side effects and so that's Friday. So I may not be in the Santa Cruz show because that's going to be Friday.

Do you ever just think about saying fuck it? I'm just going to let it go. Ign do you ever just think about saying fuck it i'm just gonna honestly i go ignore it do the doug stanhope health care because if i had headaches i'd go oh wow i should drink more water before i drink myself to death no i well so i have moments where like i'll go fuck i've got a really bad headache. Maybe this is it. Bring it. Come on. I hope that's it. But.

No, just go. You know what? Actually, nothing's wrong with me. I'm just going to go through my every day. And not do the treatment. Maybe one day I'll just fucking drop dead from not paying attention. No, because I have kids. So I can't not do.

And my husband. I mean, I can't not do treatment. I have to do treatment. And that's the only reason that i'm doing treatment i mean it's the only reason i'm stressed about dying but i know i already yelled at you about i don't really want to talk about my kids but your family do they like have they come to any kind of terms with it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, um,

there, my daughter just wrote a story about what it's like to have a mom going through cancer. And, and that got read like this, this chick is a totally famous, gorgeous actress, read that story online and has been emailing me. Um,

where she's from, where she was on Dawson's Creek. I told you my Johnny Depp story. Her name's Busy Phillips. She's totally beautiful. Busy's like an 85-year-old. She does a comedy show with Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, I love Paul.

Do you mean Bijou Phillips? No, Bijou is a totally different chick. Busy. Fucking know your Dawson's Creek faggot. She was on Freaks and Geeks. Did you watch Freaks and Geeks? No. That was the a totally different chick. Busy. Yeah, fucking know your Dawson Creek faggot or get off the mic. But she was on Freaks and Geeks. Did you watch Freaks and Geeks? No.

That was the best show ever written. You know who watched that? Freaks and Geeks. She was James Franco's girlfriend in that, and she is one of the most gorgeous people you'll ever lay your eyes on. I will tell you what you go through. What you go through is hell with your fucking brain cancer and a family watching you die slowly. But at worst, hell is being a girlfriend of James Franco in fantasy or reality.

I don't care about James Franco. That guy's a tool. The chick who plays his girlfriend. I'll tell you one guy who agrees with me. The chick who plays his girlfriend, Busy, he agrees with me. She's so beautiful. And she's on a show called Cougar Town now, which I've never seen. But she's been in like ER.

Wow, is that that long between shows? No, no, no. She's done tons of movies. She was in White Chicks. I don't know. She's in lots of stuff. Anyway, that's nice. So, yeah.

Yeah, that's... Yeah, because she saw my daughter's birth. We have to bring this to an end. I know. I'm exhausted. But yeah, my kids are doing well. My daughter's in therapy. My son doesn't go to therapy.

He doesn't really want to. But he's 14. He's cool. He's like a BMX dude. We're going to pick this up in Santa Cruz. And he wears your shirt, the one, the Death Pool shirt. He loves it. We're going to put this podcast out.

And then we can get questions from people. How long is a week before we're in Santa Cruz? It's the 16th. Today's the something. I don't know what the day is. Part two of Henneken. Today's like the 10th. Just talk into the mic. Don't say it. Just tell me.

You're going to write down notes like this is a live show. Brian didn't come here because he's creeped out about death the same way he left when mother was gonna kill herself he was at the house and he just are you serious he fled come because he's got oh yeah oh yeah he left my house that's he's like my friend he's like oh i'm going to go then oh your mother's coming over to kill herself i i'm going to go then i'll be back in a couple of weeks i was looking forward to seeing brian yeah they didn't want any part of this shit hang on oh the burner phone yes we have to mention the

burner phone the doug stanhopeline, where you can leave messages. Don't just fucking clog it up. It's a burner. It only takes, don't go, oh, fuck you, babe. Here's a fart. I'm drunk. But yeah, if you have actual input, call 520-366-1078. What's that again?

520-366-3078. What's that again? 520-366-1078. Yeah, and we'll talk again in Santa Cruz. We'll have some people there. I don't know. Who do you know that's showing up there? Well, I don't know. So you said you had people opening. Yeah, a couple people couple people well they're not

even fucking opening because we have two local openers and thank you local openers i appreciate you and i like to have you on the show but i really wanted to fucking fire these two guys because i like i get fucking two of my good friends coming there but i will not fire locals because i was too late in uh you have your names on the and you did yeah so well i wanted keith i still want to see keith because the way i met him was at your show at the improv we'll talk about him we'll talk about this after but i have like six friends going to that show in santa cruz but it's sold out and so half my other friends that wanted to go aren't going well fuck them fuck them. I know. Fuck them. They didn't jump on it. They didn't go to Sacramento. I posted on Facebook saying-

Which is the worst place ever. Brown paper tickets emailed me and said, there's 10 tickets left. Let your friends know. And I did that. Well- And only like one of my friends jumped on it. So screw them. All right.

Well, fuck your friends. We'll see them. They're not real friends. If you can't walk out in your own neighborhood with your death of a salesman T-shirt, you're living your final days poorly. I live in a creepy Christian neighborhood. Yes, you should be wearing assless chaps and a fucking black dildo hanging out of your ass. Well, I wear the assless chaps, but I don't wear the Jesus shirt. And you go, Royale Watkins?

I don't even know if it's Royale Watkins. All black dildos look the same to me. Yeah. Just go out, fucking die honest. When my mother was dying and I was about to do a seven-week European tour, they said she has about a 50-50 chance. And I sat down with her and I said, listen, Ma, don't try to not die till I get back.

I'm not going to do a weepy goodbye with you now, but I'm not canceling a seven week tour on the off chance that you fucking die. So try to not die. And what I'm going to do is I'll call you every night from the road on stage and we'll do mother. Are you dead yet? And if it's a paramedic that answers the phone it's gonna be a shitty show so laura kimball try to not die till after the comedy store in august so we can do three parts of this this is part one we'll talk to you next week in santa cruz then we'll do this at the comedy store in august and if you're not dead after that you fucked me you fucked me you just played me you're dead after

that at some point all right andy andrews already threatened me and said i better not do a two-parter i think he's the only two-parter no no you'll be a three-parter. Fuck Andy. He's had the same act for 15 years, which is always brilliant. Yeah, sounds like bubbles. I love you. We'll talk again. I love you too, Stan Hope. In a week in Santa Cruz.

Okay, and then again at the Comedy Store in August because I'm so going to make it to that. You should. By better. You better. I hope so. You better. Okay. All should. By better. I hope so. You better. Okay.

Until cocaine on a piano shaped coffee table with a mirror top in August. Covered in cigarette ashes and cocaine. That'll be part three. Okay, can I say, play the matoid. Play the matoid,

she said. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do It's party time Smile your smiles and glue your blues It's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks It's party time Oh baby, grab grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks It's party time Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks It's party time Everybody!

Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks It's party time One more! Grab your crap, Sam, fuck your fuck Six-party time Here we go! Party time Party time

Party time Party time Party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time!