The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EPISODE #33: West Coast Tour Wrap Up

Episode Date: July 7, 2014

Doug sits down with his tour manager, Greg Chaille, to discuss the horror shows from the west coast tour.If you have a story for Doug you can leave a message on the Burner Phone,[phone].Recorded June 30, 2014 at the Bozeman Inn in Bozeman, MT with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) and Greg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Greg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I liked about you in the end. La, la, la. Broadcasting live. I don't know why you say that. Okay, the hotline is on. We're taking callers right now for the Doug Stanhope podcast. We are in the... We're at the Bozeman Inn in lovely Bozeman, Montana at the end of the West Coast leg of the Last Gasp Tour.

And... The ambient sounds are the monster trucks and fucking yuppies and fishermen out on the main drag here. I think it's a Monday night. You can't tell anymore. Football's on every day. You can't tell what day it is. You can't tell what day it is. We just finished 20-something days, 20 days of started in.

We drove from Bisbee, started in Irvine, California, and then just nip and tuck all the way up the West Coast, some good, some bad, some memorable and uh it's always the shitty ones that are the most vivid memories and we have some vivid memories from this tour don't we and again we've been listening to world cup most of the way we'll probably get to that uh so we're behind on our bill burr but this is definitely the opposite of the Bill Burr podcast in that he always talks about how great every show was and how, uh, and it was the same stage that Patsy Klein played on. And we played on the same stage that, uh, you know, someone was raped a few weeks before or shot. Where do we start?

I don't. It worked good night. There's a lot of improvs to kick it off, which is that's a you know what you're walking into. It's everything's going to be fine. The audience will be fine. You have to check out at a certain time. That was the start.

Yeah. That was a good way to start. Right. And then it just devolved into Santa Cruz is the most vivid memory. That was a piece of shit that turned great somehow

because it was a Mexican restaurant. It was billed as santa cruz even to us not knowing that we were not anywhere near santa cruz we're up in felton california up it was like highway nine all in through the uh through 15 mile an hour curves through the red woods which yeah that's what you want my fucking drunk audiences. Yeah. Get them up into the mountains on some two lane highway. Yeah. Some water slide to get home when they're full of booze.

Jeff Tate called it. What was that trip through Endor Star Wars reference? Yes. Jeff Tate showed up for that gig. He was playing. He had just got done San Jose, so he came down for that show. He was playing, he had just got done San Jose, so he came down for that show. And Jeff Tate is such a fucking absolute monster.

Where everyone that's got the inside track on comedy knows that Bill Burr is the next Louis C.K. Jeff Tate is the next Bill Burr. That guy is so phenomenally funny. Has his shit together just enough that he can actually make it to gigs and not fuck them up and knows how to get on an airplane without a handler. Like that, yeah. Yeah, but he produces. He's always got new shit. His old shit's always just as funny as it ever was.

Yeah, that guy, that's a G-E-O-F-F, if I might plug his Twitter. Oh, the burner phone is going off as we speak, as though we have no speaker phone on it. No. Don't pick it up. No, I'm just going to turn it off. Yeah.

Hold on. All right. Hey, that's our burner phone for the podcast if you want if you have any input you'd like to uh you have a story that uh maybe we're gonna catch up with you hey i'll be in uh wherever fuck face arizona where you're playing maybe we put you on a podcast we probably won't but the calls amuse us when we're on the road. Well, there was that one guy. Well, let's get back to it. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, you want to... Oh, the burner phone. Let me just throw it out. The number is 520-366-1078. That's 520-366-1078. Call now while supplies last. So we do this show. Andy Andrist is there. Laura Kimball, the brain cancer lady from the Cancer Head podcast.

She was there. A lot of people were there. I don't know. Your fucking brother that you haven't seen, Chaley, is with me, tour manager podcast master he uh well this was the uh the the quote unquote santa cruz gig yeah that we we on highway nine there's a sign that says now entry in felton and we realized this isn't a santa cruz gig yeah we were nowhere close yeah that was at the don quixote international music hall

is that what they called it the international music hall it was a mexican restaurant with a big uh back room uh and they oversold it to the point where people were sitting where you couldn't see at dinner tables with a wall between them. Console promoters would put on a ticket, partially obstructed view and still get full price. Right. You couldn't even put partially obstructed. Wicked obstructed. Completely obstructed.

There will be a wall between you and the performance. Almost like another room. Because it was another room. Anyway, Jaylee made it it work there was a lot of scrambling there was some douchebag hippie i guess it's all owned by these old fucking crusty hippies and one of us yelling that the smoke from the parking lot where i was smoking was blowing because maybe the santa anna's had taken a turn. The winds switched, so you had to be aware of that? Yeah, so I had to go even outer into the parking lot.

I saw you pacing it off. You were gearing up for Bear on the stage. If it weren't for Jeff Tate opening that show, because most comics, there was a couple local guys, and then there was Andy, who you know is a fucking train wreck. Fuck, I hate saying train wreck wreck i have to replace that andy's a loose uh marble beautiful disaster well you never know what he's gonna do so you can't he's a what do they call it in baseball he's a uh uh a utility player only you don't know what his utility is

gonna be that night he might be able to play third he might fuck up third base really bad but uh jeff tate said fuck it i'll host i'm good at it he's so good at it yeah and he's he has no ego and if it weren't for him going up first yeah because at that point you couldn't half the crowd couldn't hear the show half the crowd couldn't see not half but a lot couldn't see it we were still scrambling with chairs trying to get the volumes right it worked out it turned out to be a fun night and we found what is possibly my favorite day drinking bar at night we i think we've we figured it might be a great day drinking bar when we drove by and saw the sign the jury room and then underneath under no above it said the jury it said the jury room above and then below it it said the new jury room both both

sides hey boss what do you want I should do with the old sign? Keep it up. Keep it up. Put the other one underneath. I ain't wasting nothing. That was it. So, yeah, that's where we ended up back in Santa Cruz after the show. Thank you, the jury room, for being kind to us.

Was that a bartender's name? Fucked if I know. I think it was Jeff. He was a good dude. Was it Jeff? Funny guy. Tim. Kind of guy that probably, you'd picture working a shitty golf course. Yeah. Yeah, that kind of

old school funny. He got us fucked up. Punch you in the belly kind of, and then make funny guy. So we got out of that thinking, whoo, dodged a bullet. bullet oh there were more rounds in the chamber come oakland we didn't know it was a tommy gun oakland is uh that was one of the biggest disasters that the only reason that worked

is the crowd was so fucking cool under the most unbearable circumstances they weren't happy but they were willing to they knew i got as fucked as they did the stork club in oakland which punk rock bar punk rock bar fully yeah and partially like obstructed view. The stage was about three inches high and everyone's standing. So, again, we had one gig like this somewhere on the road, but it was somewhere where I'm not popular. Nestor Tavern. No, no. There were no tables at Nestor Tavern. No.

There was one row of tables and seats in the front, which just everyone kind of pushes. This was the southeast, and it was the beginning, which just everyone kind of pushes in. This was the southeast, and it was the beginning of a tour of like three shows in. It doesn't matter. Anyway. Yeah, so this was oversold. There was only speakers on one side of the room. The room's

semi-divided. The bar side had no speakers, so no one on, like half of the people. Two rooms opened up by like a like a common wall that had big you know big four by eight panels cut out so you could see in but if you could see PA but you can't see because you're standing and there's 10 people standing in front of you and you're shorter so the tallest people in the room could see and but half of them couldn't hear at all because all of those speakers had been unplugged for the jukebox.

Well, I love it when the sound man says, yeah, those speakers blew today. It's like, they're fucking the same color as the walls. These things, stickers all over them. These things haven't worked for years, dude. Don't do this now. It's embarrassing. Everything about that show was fucked. I even threatened to walk out.

No, the owner came back. Who I thought was some old half-retarded doorman telling me I couldn't smoke next to a dumpster. Yeah, there was a big storage area behind there. You have to be on this side of some painted line. I have to be on the garbage bag side or the other garbage bag side of behind a club. It just, it got weird. We had been day drinking too. There was that.

It was our. With Stella. Stella at the hotel bar. Yeah, we had to watch World Cup. That was a big problem on this tour was the World Cup. Still is. Still is, but we don't have any gigs now. But when you have 9 a.mm games and then 1 p.m

games or noontime games it was nine and noon when we're on nine noon and three wasn't it three or four there were three games a day that was group stage yeah that's right and we i think at least partially heard or watched part of each game, except for those couple times that they were doing two at the same time. You can only watch one. I think group stage, they all had single games going on. It was only when they got down to it that they had the – when they were trying to get to the knockout round. The only games we missed entirely were games that were being played at the exact same time.

Doubled up games, yeah. So that's like 40-something, maybe 50-some games we listen to in the car. 53 games, 54 games right now have been played. And driving, it was perfect, because that's the time we're driving is during the day. We get the fuck out early, get to the next town. And World Cup, no matter what you think about football or soccer however you want

to call it it's brilliant to listen to on radio when you're driving uh it's when you're driving for four or five hours but it sounds so exciting it sounds like hockey looks on radio they make it sound like that and so and I had so much fun tweeting it. Just, I call in Quinn to the tweets. Just if I, if I didn't, I always have a favorite in any kind of whatever,

even spurs heat. I fucking hate basketball, but in the finals I have a favorite and I'm very vigilant about them. Even so every world cup game, there was someone I had, I picked, picked one team. So every World Cup game, there was someone I had. I picked one team. We all picked three. Well, that's internally.

But the point being is that I don't follow sports at all. And I pick the team you're not for, whether you know it or not, so that we can make side bets because it makes it interesting. And talk shit. And talk shit. And talk shit. But this is a whole different level. I mean, we're invested. Like, I didn't even know some of these countries had teams.

I assume they did. What the fuck do I know? I watched my first game four years ago. One game. Now I've seen 53. That's when I get into World Cup, the last one, just because Holland, Netherlands, however. Yeah. That's my favorite color is that color of bright, hot orange.

Wait, did you just say you picked a team because you like the uniforms? Yeah. That's why I watch football. If the Tampa Bay Buccaneers played in their old creamsicle uniforms, that would be my favorite team to this day just because of the uniform. We're tracking way off of the Kehote game. The tweeting, because yesterday it was my two favorite teams, Holland in the morning and Costa Rica in the afternoon. I think they're calling them Netherlands, though.

Netherlands. Well, it depends. Well, I'm just saying what's in the FIFA app. All right. Well, yeah, it depends. Well, I'm just saying what's in the FIFA app. All right. Well, yeah, it is NED, is there? Yes. So, yeah, Netherlands. And you had Mexico.

That's been your team since the beginning. So we had so much. And I was tweeting very Colin Quinn-esque, just dumb shit. Oh, are you talking about yesterday at the Mexican restaurant? Yeah. It was our first day off. So good. just dumb shit. Oh, are you talking about yesterday at the Mexican restaurant? Yeah. We had, it was our first day off and we're just, I was day shit faced and tweeting.

What was the one that started it? Hang on. I think I have pull it up. I'll edit this out. Oh yeah. Oh, Costa Rica is the only us team left in the World Cup, and this bar is empty? Come on, America.

Support soccer. Which is the triple fuck with that A. The USA is still in it. Costa Rica is not part of the U.S. And the third one, I got fucked with this. I have so many idiots that follow me on Twitter. There's one reporter from the LA Times that went, the U.S. is still in it in Costa Rica.

Correction, sir. Yeah. That's a very Phil Hendry-esque. I applaud you because that's awesome the way. But that was a triple whammy because U.S. is still in it. Costa Rica is obviously not a part of the United States. And I'm calling it soccer. And that's the only time I've called it soccer where I didn't get the,

it's football, not soccer tweet. People were so upset by the first two. They let soccer slide. And it went for like another hour and a half. You kept like you were just giggling looking down while you looked up at the match. Well, that's because they kept coming in. Then that's when Greece was playing Costa Rica. And I'm going, by the way, is this Greece?

Greece's first time in the Olympics. And is this the only Olympic game on right now? It was great. So give a plug to your Twitter so people can follow this. At Doug Stanhope. Yeah, follow me. I don't use that fucking Facebook. Occasionally I'll post a date there.

We've gone over this. But yeah, I'll post dates there occasionally. Yesterday was reason enough to follow. I don't interact on Facebook. My Facebook goes to my Twitter. I do interact on Twitter. Facebook confuses me my Twitter. I do interact on Twitter. Facebook confuses me. And there's more assholes there.

Anyway. So we were at the Stork Club. Stork Club, giant piece of shit. Someone stole our recording gear backstage. Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, someone, one of the comics that was hanging around, we had left our recorder. Hold on. We didn't leave.

We set our recorder backstage to record, not from the board, but from the backstage area. Well, we left it alone without staring at it. In our area. In our area. Backstage. Yes. Which, you know, for what backstage there was. Anyway, you go to sell merch and evidently one of the local comics brought it up to the sound booth.

Went, oh, this is back where I don't belong looking around at stuff. I don't remember buying this, but I'm grabbing it and moving it from where someone else set it. Yeah. And gave it. this but i'm grabbing it and moving it from where someone else set it yeah and gave it and then he said the sound man said well just leave it on the bar in a fucking ugly punk rock club yeah and then it disappeared and he's like ah i just did what they told me to do no you picked the fucking thing up that didn't belong to you that was in our backstage area and you fucking left it on a bar because a sound man told you to...

Get this straight. If your hands were in your pockets, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Right. So no, we're not saying you stole it. We're saying you shouldn't ever touch the fucking thing. The biggest crime was Jeff Tate's set

from the night before at Don Quixote's International Music Hall in Felton, California. It was recorded on it? Yeah, and I didn't get to see his whole set, and I was just like, you know what? I'll be able to hear this later. Yeah.

So when you came, first of all, we did get more upset at you than we should have. Maybe you were just trying to do a nice thing, but that night was so fucked up, and there was no one to hang that you picked the wrong night to pick up some shit if it happened at a great show we'd probably let it slide but when you go out you know what i'll even pay you back for a new one you can't repeat jeff tate set that was on the fucking thing could it could it have possibly crossed your mind now i'm

getting angry i was actually trying to soften this thing and tell it, I think his name was Mike, but whatever your name was. Yeah. But listen, yeah, you're bringing it up in me too. Could you have possibly thought that maybe the headliner or me who was wrangling all the bullshit in the background

in that kitchen we were in, maybe you could have come up to us? Maybe we were the ones who set that there. You know what I mean? Now I'm thinking about it. You're a comedian. You know that whoever's recording themselves from the wings of the stage is a comedian.

Maybe. Maybe not. But why would you ask? It's not the house. The house doesn't have a fucking handheld recorder. All right. Anyway, we're not as angry as we were the next morning, but now we're making ourselves that way, so let's move on.

Sonoma, that's who paid the price. Well, Roanert Park. Roanert Park, a town I've never heard of. Suburb, kind of. Well, it's kind of a bucolic little winery town. Sonoma County. Sonoma State University. Stella Tomatoes.

No. Sally Tomatoes. Whatever. Oh, Stella. She was the bartender in Oakland. That's why we're day drinking because she's a hot, cool South Korean teacher by day in the killing zone or the kill zone. It's evidently a part of Oakland. Or Oakland.

It's where they call it the kill zone. She's one of those teachers from the movies that don't really exist in real life where she's hot and works with the most horrific inner city where they hear gunfire all day long outside the windows not only do they hear it but there's a protocol for the teacher to before school is let out to have a dialogue with the students that's if one of the students gets killed like work. That's how I read the story. She said that invariably one of these kids will know someone who was shot or has been killed. And she says that the protocol at the school is every time they hear gunfire before they let out school that day, they have to discuss what they heard because they all know what it is.

And they have to have some kind of dialogue that I'm sure is scripted poorly. That all the kids are throwing paper airplanes and going, fuck you, chink! Or whatever. Yeah. They may not know that she's even Asian. Well, that's probably the only way she can teach them geography. Actually,

I'm a buckethead. South of here is the... Let's look at the map. Your chinks come from this area up here. And there's more chinks than any other of the yellow races combined. Now, the slopes are different. Anyway. But she was very cool and worked at this empty...

I don't even remember the name of the hotel. It was the Washington Inn. Awful hotel. Yeah. It was, yeah, everything that we dread getting stuck with in the UK. It's like a thousand years old. It was New York small, you said. It was New York small, but it was UK degraded.

It was New York small, but it was UK degraded. You get in the elevator and you press the button and you hear a lot of gears going. Like crushing an aluminum can over and over. I'm not getting in this thing. You barely fit it with one roller bag by yourself. Yeah. But she was so cool and that you know, she had like someone who works in that kind of shit

that she's telling us about her and she chose this. She's only she was what, 30, 28, 29, 30? She's almost 30 and she has tenure. Yeah, and she chose to work in this fucking horrible place well she works with with

disabled students too well she described what special ed means people think special ed means you know hockey helmet and throwing a frisbee at a wall right yeah no the special needs are like also the you know the violent can't control their outbursts, socially rubber room people. Not necessarily. They could have all their – it could be really bright, but they could also stab you with a pencil. Yeah, I remember we overtipped. Oh, yeah. By the way, we still – that eBay yard sale we did. We sold a lot of shit for a lot of money and a chunk of it is supposed to be going to some weird Rebecca Vitzman tornado girl type of charity.

But that's not that you can't just pick one. So in the meantime, we've been over tipping really cool bar staff a lot on this tour. And that's all your money. So when they go, oh, my God, that's completely unnecessary. You go, it's not me. It's these guys, the sausage army, my fleabag fucking degenerate drunken audience that will buy my old circus pants

that I got at a thrift store for too much money. And we pass that on to a lot of goddamn bartenders and bar staff that are cool as shit. Because honestly, it's the most important job in the world is when you have to get done with a long shitty day of whatever you do, you want someone to act like they give a fuck about you when they get you drunk and if you can do that and engage in it like really serious seriously make me feel like i belong there i remember when i used to go to titty bars it was always the titty dancer no matter how ugly or corrupted her fucking body was if she made eye contact like like i was i really stood out to her

i would be such a sucker for that and i didn't care if it was false smile at me the safe way where we live in bisbee everyone says hello to you like they've known you since you were children you go through protos and there's fucking Cesar. Hey, how you doing? Can I help you? Like, but like he's really knows you and I love it.

I know it's bullshit. I know some corporate head or to an extent, maybe it's not bullshit. Maybe they really are happy to see folks, but it makes a difference. Even if you're lying, some of that corporate stuff does stick out. Hey, I'm happy to serve you. No, you're not, but I'm glad you lied because you go to a lot of places they just act like you're a jerk off

for making them get up and sell you something that's overpriced that you didn't really want they can't you put on a fucking corporate smile what's wrong with that anyway sorry chaley was pissing so i went off on a rant no i agree with you though the corporate smile and the fake salutation that's written by the time clock, don't forget to say and include where you're from. That old bullshit, it's going to be met with your fake smile and then your tip when you leave. That's really – it's a fucking game. You don't need to get all Stella on us where we like actually are invested in like, really? What?

The kill zone? Tell me more. But you can fake it what the fuck you go to these places and they look down and they don't even look at you when they give you a drink or or you order subway or whatever you know becker's whole thing as a bartender he's like if if you can do at home what i'm doing for you here for less money why would you go out why would you leave your house he you know makes it a point to be a fucking interesting bartender. He happens to be brilliantly funny.

Not everyone can do that. But like Richard Pryor said, if you can't be funny, be interesting. Act like you give a shit that I'm there. Anyway. Sonoma. Yes. Well, he keeps calling it Sonoma, but it's Roanoke Park. It's Roanoke Park in Sonoma County. Sonoma. Yes. Well, he keeps calling it Sonoma, but it's Roanoke Park. It's Roanoke Park in Sonoma County.

Sonoma County. Yeah. And what this is, Sally Tomatoes, even though it sounds like a corner tavern. It sounds like an Italian eatery in a strip mall. Right. It's actually this giant event center where you'd you'd throw you know a wedding an afternoon wedding no where you could do a wedding and then have a uh a birthday party on the like not connected with the wedding on the side they have multiple rooms and it's all wrapped around a restaurant

that's open seven days a week in the middle that was where the yeah buffet line was yeah it's a restaurant you would never go to unless you're having an event there i'm assuming but they probably have quite a few events anyway it's this giant it's a you know a half of a it's like a big high school gymnasium but all windows except for behind you there is that it was the opposite of the store club we just came from this rancid sid vicious you know stick to the floor punk rock club with no stage and everyone's angry and someone's about to get stabbed to this white folding chair tablecloth eight tops what's the word catered

it's not really a bar so much as catered a catered event catering bars walk up Sally Tomatoes also does offer catering I said some shit. I hope we have that on tape.

No, we're fine. We don't. We didn't have recorded. It was right after that other event. And that's where all the cool people that made the Stork Club punk rock plays that really dug in and said, fuck it, we're going to make this good against all odds. There was no Stork Club was at least 95 degrees. I was cramping up like, fuck it, we're going to make this good against all odds. There was no store club was at least 95 degrees. I was cramping up like LeBron.

I sweat through a suit. My whole fucking suit was like wringing wet. And people made that work. The opposite, the all white wedding hall place. I don't think I threw as many people out on the last six week tour we did in the southeast total than I had to throw out from that fucking wedding hall banquet hall. fucking wedding hall banquet hall yes uh the only time on the last tour the southeast tour was at in albany at valentine's where we had the incident that's that's another tour all together albany's in new york oh no no hang on maybe stella should bring you to geography class and show you that albany is almost at canada that wasn't the point. The point is, in one show, in this greasy fucking snobbish wine country,

yuppie, uber yuppie, the people that bore yuppies as children, rich fucking snobby wine country cunts, I had to throw out at least six people and I think eight total. Like front row. No, I'm not going on until you are fucking removed. Stop the show. They didn't even really have security.

They've never had to throw anyone out. They ask rodents to leave politely from the kitchen. Should they find a roach? And the roach agrees and says, okay, I've had too much to drink i'm in the wrong kitchen they don't they don't have the facilities well one guy did one of the managers that he really felt like they should have just beat the shit out of them and and drag them out from the beginning and they were just waiting because there was a there's the the agreement i have is like doug he will address anything that gets a little squirrely in there if you're going to if it gets weird and i'm not around find me and then we will take care

of it and that's when we took care of it because i was setting up merch i didn't know what was going on but then all of a sudden i see two security guys jog walking by me. And I'm like, oh, this might be something. And I got someone to watch the merch booth. And I went in. And sure enough, they were searching for those dudes who they threw out. But the whole time the manager's like, that fucking took too long. That's right.

One guy threw a beer bottle at the owner guy as he was being walked out over his shoulder. He tried to do a no-look backwards pass with his beer bottle. I'm out of here. Fuck you. And then the guys, as they're exiting out one end of the venue, I know there's no exit to the parking lot from there, and I'm on the other end, and I'm like, oh, they're going by my merch booth.

They're going to fucking just clean sweep it or take something or whatever. So I jog walk back to the merch booth, they're going to fucking just clean sweep it or take something or whatever. So I jog walk back to the merch booth and then I'm standing there as they walk by because I know because I was standing when they kicked him out and they're like looking at the T-shirts and the shuck glasses. I'm all, beat it. Keep moving. You just whipped a beer bottle but you want he wanted to buy some merch you got those

an extra large beat it dude and then they went to the bathroom came back and tried to buy merchandise i'm like that and for the for the record for those who don't know my hecklers it's this is not a guy who kept going you suck like if you don't know my heck, these are the people that show up thinking that we're friends. And they just think my whole act is a dialogue. And then they talk back. And you try to you slowly move them up to, OK, I let that go. But you got to stop. And eventually I'll listen.

Seriously, I know I keep making responses that people laugh at, but I will have to have you thrown out. I try to. It's not like you said something off the cuff and I go, fuck you. Get out. They put in extra effort to get thrown out of that fucking show. Well, that's that's what I tell club owners or especially people that hear about that and go, oh, pretty rough. I go, this doesn't happen. This is rare that we actually have to physically remove someone from a show.

And when we do, we're ready for it to be ugly because to get to that point, there has been a lot of lines crossed because usually what happens, it will come up. Someone will do something. If it's a squirrely chick in the back who just doesn't want to be there anyway you will say something and address it in a way that lets everyone else know man don't we all hate this person this is improper behavior i'll say it in a funny way but the subtext is this is inappropriate and shouldn't we all look down on this person this is bad don't do this and then it goes away. 99% of the time, it goes away. And Ronard Park, as far as I'm concerned, wasn't a bad show.

There were just so many assholes at it. I think I did over two hours there, which is unnecessary, but I had to stop so often. You did. This was the longest set of the tour. Two hours and three minutes. And a lot of that was get the fuck out of my show. Derailed. Or waiting.

No, I'm not even going to say anything. I'm just going to stand here until you're removed or throw yourself out. Yeah, you're not going to tell them this, but I will say at one point, because the problems were like not only like in the front area of the room, but dead center on that first table. Front and center, 50-yard line. You had a wireless mic. You walked to stage right. Oh, I forgot about that.

Oh, yeah. Tell them what happened. Well, you have to understand. It was a wide venue. The room is, yeah. Not deep, but wide. Yeah, short and wide. So it's probably, is that 60 yards?

I don't know, 50 yards? Across. Across. It's a big banquet hall. So I went to, if that's the 50-yard line, I went to the 25-yard line to the right and just stood on a table and did my act with my back turned to the front row.

I tried to make the front row as back as I could possibly make it with still having a full audience in front of me. Credit to the staff. Someone jumped behind the light board and shone the light on you so the people on the other side could see you. And then I had a light, my mag light.

I was shining on you so the people on the side that you were addressing could see you. And the people on the side That you were addressing could see you And oh the people That wanted all the attention Were now in the dark With a fucking shithead table in the middle It was brilliant and it let everyone know

Don't we hate this See what these people are doing To what could be a really good show Yeah So that's And you did that until I thought you were going to fall over And finally you got off that but could be a really good show. Yeah. Yeah. So that's... And you did that until I thought you were going to fall over. And finally you got off that squiggly chair.

And that was fun. And then Arcata we did the next night, which was just that whole drive. I haven't been to northern, actual northern California, not Bay Area, but northern for at least 20 years and that was only a time or two on a random triple gig but it is so fucking beautiful uh we did this show in

arcada i don't remember a bad thing about it even the shitty sushi was good just because it was such great surroundings the sushi pieces were too big. Fuck you, Arcata. Fuck you. That was my complaint. Fucking unagi and it's the size of a what? Half an eel. It was ridiculous.

I've never seen. It's like, does this have GMOs? Are you breeding unagi the same way you do the cows? The GMOs. Horm hormone riddled in freshwater eel. You know, at the end of Arcata, though. Hang on. Just save this thought. At the end of Arcata, you were saying, while I stop this to go piss.

Hey, if you have a great story, especially if you're in one of the towns we'll be touring on, check DougStanhope.com on the tour dates. Hey, if you're in that town, you have a great story you want to tell us on the podcast, we probably won't use you. But the only way we're going to If you call 520-366-1078. That's 520-366-1078. That's our fucking burner phone for the podcast. And that way we can figure out if you can speak. We tried this beforehand again, which I like trying to get people who have good stories when we're in fuck off Wyoming or wherever.

Hey, but then what they do is they email it. Oh, well, you might be able to email, but then you can't talk when you get there. That makes sense. Yeah. So that's why we got this. Did you see this? It's the new Doug Stano burner phone. I like that.

Yeah. Doug Stano podcast burner phone. What's that number? 5-2-0-3-6-6-1-0-7-8. Sorry, did Stano Podcast burner phone. What's that number? 520-366-1078. Sorry, did you say 520? Oh, 366-1078. I wasn't sure about that. You have to do it in a sing-song way.

That's how they do it in real commercials. Already? 520-366-1078. Eight, eight,78. 888. Alright. Alright. So I took a piss and I smoked and I looked out. Look out that fucking window at that mountain. Arcata was beautiful.

Fucking Montana in the summer. This is the third year in a row that we've hit this twice without even doing gigs. Let's just be here. Not trying. Right. I always feel bad that we're not doing stuff like whitewater rafting. I'm just happy to just sit here and stare at the sun go down for fucking eight hours.

It doesn't get dark here till 10. Anyway, back to Arcata, California. Fantastic to be there. This is you, Chaley. It got weird after the show. Arcaded theater, wonderful, renovated theater. The three people that have put that together have done a great job

and support it because they're losing their ass. I mean, they'll never make their money back. It's a beautiful art deco on the inside. It looks badass outside, and they do fun things. Wicked hippie town, which is not to a fault. A wicked fault. Not only hippie. They're keeping the green

culture going, apparently. Because one guy that I ended up talking to at the end Growing right off their bodies. I don't know why anyone's in the park. The plaza in the middle, there's a big park in the middle and then for like three blocks. Hacky Sack Central.

In either direction, all around the park. No smoking cigarettes. On the street or in the park. And it's enforced by a cop. Yeah, they had a happy cop we saw. It's the Andy Griffith show kind of. Whatever his name was. Bar fife thank you barney fife guy yeah he came up and new hippies were coming into town and you heard him giving him the rules now now here's you know here's the rules you can't smoke and well it's

like there's there's five refugees from woodstock like with the mud and everything, wearing ponchos and no shoes and dogs with bandanas. And he's all, now you fellas understand the no smoking rule? I don't know why I gave him a southern accent or whatever. But he was a smiley guy. And he's probably pushing 60. And he's like, gentlemen, I've just got to tell you right now, this is the rule around here. And it's like, these guys, what? He's probably got a burning cigarette under his bare foot.

They can't afford cigarettes. Well, but anyway, that town in, I don't know. Well, it's Humboldt County. They're all growing weed. All around there, they're growing it illegally. And that would have been the podcast if we had had the time and wherewithal to do a podcast up there it would be with the growers yes you

were talking to a dude a guy who uh i he didn't outright tell me but i gleaned from the the conversation that uh he was a guy who hired trimmers so we got to give a shout out to the trimmers in arcada yo yeah sorry we didn't have time to uh talk it just got uh it was just it was such a barrage of people because rarely do we go out after a show like with folks because it just it turns into that but that was a small enough place that we went to a bar but then then there was that guy in the purple. I got cocaine and women. You come back to my place, man. I got cocaine and women. I really wanted to go just to see how do you,

when you describe women as though, talk about objectifying. You literally say it's like, I have a couch and I have some women and some beer. I mean, we even wanted to talk to the women that he called. I have women as if they were on a stringer and we just picked the one. Yeah, I did that to that guy. What I do to my dog Ichabod when I'm fucking with him, because anytime I'm eating, it's a big fat pig dog and I'll take the plate into one room.

And then if I go back to the other room with the plate, I'll just walk, or even without a plate. If he thinks he's about to get walked, he'll just follow me into every room. So I'll just go from one room and then to another just to see how long he will continue to follow me when he's not getting shit. So I did that to that dude in the purple

with the cocaine and women. I just kept walking into different parts of the bar and out and just watch him he's not we're not engaged in dialogue he's just trying to and i just watch how often he will follow me from the bar to the table to the outside and then at one point i just turned around and went stop and he did well i just stop uh so yeah sorry we didn't get to talk to the growers and the trimmers and the people. That'd be good. And this brings us to the worst show maybe in not ever, but in our adult lives, since we've raised the ticket prices to a point where not any asshole can show up. since we've raised the ticket prices to a point where not any asshole can show up,

that was kind of what Sonoma was like, where there was a lot of those older guys that were just mouthy that you go, they just $25 to them is, you know, pennies to a homeless, you know, the homeless person that's changed. They scrape out of from underneath their,

you know, fucking Lexus seat. Under their floor mats. Yeah. So, but Medford. Well, maybe. Medford, at this point, we haven't had a night off for a while, and we've driven a ton. That Northern California drive, driving up the 101 and into from yeah arcata to medford is

you go this is gorgeous and then an hour lady going this is still gorgeous but can i get flat road one time can the fucking xm radio i've never had xm satellite radio go out because of the red woods we're trying to listen to World Cup and occasionally you get and it's kicking off. That's it. Yeah. So we weren't in good spirits. And then we saw the gig in Medford.

And it's one big wall where the sun is coming down. 7.30 p.m. Show. West facing pain when glass window. West-facing glass pane window. Two-story all-glass pane window where the sun will be coming in. You might as well have done a show in a Walmart parking lot at noontime on summer solstice in Anchorage. It's fucking... And it's this shitty dance club with this sound system that is set up to do nothing but drone out shot special.

No! It's Titty Bar. Your cliched Titty Bar announcer. Now go to the stages. You couldn't hear a fucking thing. Andy's still with us at that point. Andy's been on several gigs at that point. And he drove back he had to go to his kids fucking skating recital

in eugene and then drive back 150 miles to do this gig uh well the reason we do a town like medford hennigan puts the he stitches it together like a quilt it's routing exactly we couldn't find anything good in eugene there was no venue or deal that was worth it and you'd never been to medford or had it been a while well this is i i played there once when i first started and i ate shit when i like 22 years ago probably i have no idea where but i mean i ate shit I sucked. But we walked in there and the promoter was all excited. And we're going to have this and you'll be here. And we look at the stage and the stage is kind of, it's not even a shape. Listen, this is what I said.

Where's the stage? Now, when we walk into a venue. We're in front of the stage when you say. Where's the stage? Now, when we walk into a venue. We're in front of the stage when you say, where's the stage? When you walk into your venue and there's only one room and you have to say, where's the stage? There's going to be a problem. Right. Because it's not clear. There was a dance floor, this oblong raised level that had like a velvet couch on it.

Cause that's where the old people were sitting behind me. I just, Oh no, this is fine. Cause the, the promoter was so eager. He's one of those guys that really wants to please. And there's no fucking way you walk in and go,

this is already the worst gig that I've ever done three hours before showtime. Because I'm looking at my watch. I know when the sun sets. I know what time showtime is. I know that that's a West. He pointed to the stage, which is basically there was a fucking step and repeat like backdrop pretending like they're fucking on the red carpet somewhere and then this big pane of glass that was just you know and the minute you saw that you stopped listening to anything or anyone and he goes and we can get you started and i said no you have shut down

it's like me explaining internet i said everything's gonna be fine i took bingo by the elbow walked out of earshot into the street from him and said let's start drinking heavily now and we did therein is the second problem in medford on a sunday nothing there was one full block two blocks away that we saw on this uh the map that they give you at the hotel of where shit is that had bars on every side of the block and every single one of them was closed it was ghost town it was as bad as fresno as far as when you just look at the streets and nothing we found one bar finally we drank we met andy we went back to the gig. We tried to listen to Andy from the back of a not very big room and couldn't understand a word. It was like if you just put all bass into your car speakers and try to listen to talk radio.

Yeah. No trouble. All bass. And just drank. Got on stage. and just drank, got on stage. I'm having to scream like this and ignore the mic for everyone to hear me. But even doing that, blowing out my fucking hernias,

screaming so everyone could hear me. Then you realize, unless you're doing that, people can't see you from anywhere you stood on stage. There's at least eight people who can't see you from any part. People are upstairs. They have a 42-inch widescreen TV or 60-inch widescreen TV blocking their view from the stage. So I'm just pacing back and forth trying to at least let everyone see me occasionally. trying to at least let everyone see me occasionally. There's two elderly people sitting on a velvet couch that's on kind of what's part of the stage.

Basically, the only people you can see with the lights, and they don't want to be there. Well, no, they want to be there. They were confused. As to why they were part of the show? Yeah, I think that's what it was. It was comfortable for them. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Not only is it bright daylight, but they have laser lights going. Their whole disco laser light inferno is flashing all around. So you don't see the actual lights, but the laser pinpointers are hitting everyone. I think Andy even made a joke about it. Oh, I thought the cop had a scope on me or something. No, there was a full truss of lighting above the dance floor. And for you, for the show, they make sure that that all stays on.

they make sure that that all stays on. So whether they're playing thump-thump music or there's a comedy show, the fucking lasers, the movers, all the fucking lava effects, that's rolling. I went up there to try and change the lights. It's a digital lighting system, and they had Friday, Saturday night show

and comedy show. You had the comedy show. No spots, no nothing, and no one to fucking work it. the only person that could work the sound from the owner's explanation was the cook so i said i got it from here i go i'm not going to touch anything i will just do this i will just handle this but honestly i got it from here keep him on the quesadillas again we do these shows knowing that some of them are going to be fucked up because there's questions that you don't think to ask where like brian who books this stuff he can't go to all these places you know and have boots on the ground and actually you know he gets it well how many does it hold

you don't think to ask questions like will the audience be able to hear what the comedian is saying shit like that yeah oh it seats 350 are any of those on a second story looking at a widescreen television set that obstructs their view completely of the stage? Will it be really brightly lit? Do you have walls that aren't fucking all window? Like, so, yeah, you run into these problems. But at that point, and I there was unlike the Oakland audience who dug in and went, fuck it, we're going to have fun. This is an audience that, and I was getting to places where you're getting into a bit that you know is 17 minutes long. And you go, I can't, I just, I'm ditching out of bits.

People are fucking uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable. It's not getting better and as it got worse and worse the running joke in this tour has been i'm gonna try to keep it closer to an hour and i just always do an hour 20 then an hour 30 an hour 43 and every night i hit that one at a fucking contractual hour. I told Chaley ahead of time to fucking have the car running out front. The audience thinks I'm kidding. We're not selling merch tonight. Have the car running.

Which. And then when I was at an hour, I closed on whatever I closed on. And between me and the front door was a folding banquet table that had two dudes sitting at it, but enough room that I could vault over it. Thank you. Good night. I vaulted like an old man. I crawled. I crawled like a feeble child testing. You gave a little like a racity of the table to see if it would hold me.

Crawled over it, ran out the front door into the fucking not waiting car. Because Chaley had Andy fire up his car. So Andy's car was running in the back alley. I didn't know that. So I just knew there was a running car waiting. And it's my car out front it's not running at all so i'm hiding in that and chaley's like i still have to settle up and by that point the promoter has seen me and came over got tinted windows so he's like staring

into the car waiting for someone to open a door or a window and we didn't and then he just started knocking and finally i opened the door he goes you're going back up aren't you i go not a fucking chance thanks for everything to shut the door again and then we finally got the hell out of there raced out of there but uh yeah that was a was an ugly dismount. Good night. I'm going to run out of the front door of this place. Andy was ready, by the way. Oh, I know. He was out back. Yeah, it took forever to find him because he was actually in the car waiting for you.

Because Bingo and I had assessed the situation. I told you, no merch. We're not doing this when I brought the shots to the stage. So we knew what was happening. I never thought you'd go out front, but it was hilarious how you did it. And you've neglected to say that before you left the stage, you handed the mic.

Oh, to the old guy that was unamused by sitting on the velvet couch on stage that they probably rent out for high dollar. Oh, yeah, the green room was their champagne room that they rent out on. Boom, boom. Dumb people come here to fuck nights. And it was probably eight by eight tops with a closing door and your feet stuck to the floor. There was unfinished lumber stacked against the wall.

And one of the two chairs we had in there was missing one corner leg. So it was like leaning back and down to the left. And, I mean, there was nothing in there. Bingo had to set up the green room. That guy didn't even. I'd open the door. And you open the door and you're looking open the door. And you open the door. And you're looking at the crowd.

And they're very close. This is not a huge place. So they're very close. And I'd open the door. And people would look over at me. And I'd just shake my head like, what the fuck? I think I got more laughs from people just going this. Because anyone goes in there.

It's like going into a fucking church's fried chicken. And it's comedy night at four o'clock in the afternoon. And everyone's going, this is the venue? Church's fried chicken is the venue? Yeah, so we all had that in common. We did have people show up the following nights that had gone to that show. And much like the Stork Club, they got it at the Stork Club and they went to another show and they go, oh yeah, it was bullshit, but they understood. And even that one, as desperate as I think it was,

honestly, the way you handle it is you're surprised too. we're in this boat together we didn't choose what we're faced with here but honestly we'll get through it and i think that attitude helps people understand something like sort club i i don't know how anyone three shows you know i don't god knows what state i was in i said all the words right from what I remember. Portland at the Star Theater, two nights. Two nights in Portland, which is in my definite top three favorite places to be, if not a definite number one. And Seattle. They were some fucked up shows. But the Whiskey Room, I don't even know how to explain that to someone. Even if someone came there and they understood what happened to the store.

Those shitty ones. Yes. I don't even know how to explain that i can't even say sorry because it they i think they understand that that that's not where you would usually play i only feel bad like people who live there would would know they've been there they they know what's usually happening there yeah so they'd know that's probably not a good place. Why are you here? The problem is people who travel from a long way going, and then they're like, oh.

But again, I think my audience, a lot of them, are probably just as happy to watch it crash and burn. One person did say to me at the merch booth uh in seattle but like you even said shaley in like the facebook i made a comment about it that you know i get paid from the merch and i said fucking no way we're leaving and if i if i that's yeah you essentially canceled a gig i canceled you get paid off the merch and uh, you go not worth it. I'd rather not make money tonight. Let's just go home. Let's fucking lick our wounds and get the fuck out of here.

I'm calling in sick. And I think that people see things like that and then your explanation on stage and they understand that this isn't you doing improv shows or you doing... Yeah, I did give a strong explanation off the top of the show as to why this is completely fucking wrong.

And the only other apology. Another thing that we occasionally can't avoid is fucking Seattle. $11 fucking service charge for tickets. There's some markets where I just can't seem to avoid having to go through a fucking ticket mastery, kind of whatever. They have a million different fake names now. They all have aliases and ATX or whatever. They're fucked jobs. $11 fucking service fee.

44% someone figured out of the fucking ticket charge. And the only way to avoid that is to risk playing a place like Medford where a fucking glass glass house airplane hangar. airplane hangar i i have an update because i did get a uh facebook message from someone that uh i think you're you're blowing a little bit out of proportion it's eleven dollars if you buy it online but you can save five dollars and only pay six dollars if you print your own ticket at home on your own paper with your own fucking ink thanks for correcting me i i'll someday i'll fucking meet eddie vetter and he'll explain to me how the whole thing works how these fucking companies have this it can't benefit the artist or the venue i don't know i don't let's that's another whole podcast. Explain it to me off the air because you know how stupid I am. Thank yous.

Quick thank yous before the big announcement. The big announcement's not that big. A million people bring us shit and vodka and art and CDs. Savage Henry. I'm still wearing your hoodie because I didn't pack for winter, which it gets to winter. It's 45 is a low tonight in Montana. I've been wearing my Savage Henry magazine hoodie. And so is bingo.

Thank you for all this stuff. I usually wake up and they go, oh, someone left this at the merch booth. And it's some weird fucking cool handmade vodka and i i don't know who to thank but don't think i don't notice and appreciate it so thank you all you people who bring a shit i like that it means a lot and who mail dumb shit to bingo i never like get around to finding your twitter address and then making it because I don't I open everything in a hangover. It's just who I am. But don't think I don't notice secret shows. Get on the mailing list.

Right now, I have a few bits that I started working out at the end of that tour, and I'm not on stage again until August. And I'm like, I want to do some secret shows just to start working out those fucking bits before I forget them all together. So get on the mailing list at DougStanHope.com and we won't bother you. Fred's, that was just a funny thing. We fled out of Seattle in the morning trying to find a hotel.

I wanted to stay in Wallace, Idaho, because it's just kind of like a northern Bisbee. It's an old mining town that's really cool, but it was sold out for an old car show, Hudson's. And every stop between Wallace, Idaho and Missoula sold out every motel, every fucking, you know, what do you call those? Curly.

City Slickers. It was kind of, you know. Like a dude ranch? Dude ranch kind of place. No vacancy. Everything. And we finally found a motel and a truck stop just outside of Missoula. And I said, it says vacancy.

And we hauled us in there. And I went, this truck stop looks familiar. Fred's? You said that before we even saw the sign. No, when I saw Fred's, that's when I knew. Oh, I never saw that. How did he fucking remember that? I saw Fred's, and it said cocktails and casino,

and I went, Fred's, this is a titty bar. I was here like 25 years ago at my mullet, when my mullet David Tribble run days. And you're going, no, it says cocktails and casino. I go, this was a titty bar, I swear. And then when we pulled up in front, small banner, exotic dancing. I fucking was here as a young man with a mullet.

And yeah, the charm hasn't left the place. But the quality has from the Redwood Lodge. Yeah, we sat there and went, how much do we have to drink quickly to fall asleep in this place? Littered with chiggers in the threadbare bedspread. They stole the fucking cable, the coax cable from the wall to the fucking TV. So all we have is blue screen. I got the TV. I got a blue screen.

I'm like, none of the channels work. And you went to check the back of it. And someone had stolen the cable from the wall, probably to strip the copper out for tweak. So, yeah, we slept as little as possible that night and get the fuck here to Bozeman, Montana. Yeah, we slept as little as possible that night and get the fuck here to Bozeman, Montana. Ladies and gentlemen, Las Vegas. I'll probably never get to your town because I'll probably probably probably probably be dead from doing all these gigs that I complained about on a weekly basis. But you can come see us in Las Vegas at the Plaza Hotel, September 27th. That's a Saturday night.

The show is Saturday. One show only. And then the next day we're going to stay and watch football at the Plaza. And you're welcome to join us all day for watching football at the Plaza Hotel, wherever they watch football.

Their sports book. It's a casino they have a giant place everyone watches football and we will be watching football all day so all those dumb stories you want to tell me at a merch booth and whether there's a line behind me you'll have all day to tell me your dumb story while we bet on football we openly wager. We drink. We buffet together. I don't know. But, yeah, we'll be there all day.

We're going to spend all day Sunday just hanging out. And you're welcome to join us. That's September 27th at the Plaza. The link is at DougStanhope.com. And, unfortunately, the Cardinals are not playing that day. They get a fucking bye week. But the night game, which is 5.30 at night Sunday night, is Cowboys versus Saints.

So I dare Cowboys fans to fucking show up there. And hopefully the Steelers are playing so I can fuck with. I'm rooting for whoever hang on I have it here come on you have it Chaley I got it right what are you looking for Steelers oh the Tampa Bay

Buccaneers are playing the Steelers yep ah god damn it I sold my fucking creamsicle yeah Steve what's his name from the anyway i'll get another steve young i sold my yeah hey if you bought my steve young shirt come to vegas he'll buy it back for the night yeah rooting against the fucking rotten steelers ra fans. I want to like the Raiders so bad, but their fans ruin it, and they're playing Bingo's

Dolphins. So, yeah, it'll be a good day. Packers are playing the Bears. Go Pack. Maybe we'll get some of the Bisbee Packer crew up. But yeah, it's gonna be a blowout. Fucking tons of comics are coming. I don't know how many we can get on the bill, because it's a casino show,

and they like to keep it tight to keep you out gambling. But it'll be a fun fucking show. September 27th. Just make the plans. Reserve the room at the plaza. We will fuck that place up for a weekend. Bye. That was a podcast.

Is that it? What else do we got? Wait, we're brought to you by who? The jury. The jury in jury room. The new jury room. The new jury room in Santa Cruz, California. It was someone else we were going to be sponsored by.

Who was that? Seattle. Where were we? What have we done? We got the vodka from the guy, the distillery in Portland, James. It was someone we were saying, hey, we're going to... Mary's Club. Oh, Mary's Club in Portland Oregon and yeah if you notice I skipped over two days of Portland well you know what there's reasons

and if you if you didn't black out immediately you hope the years will help but it's always fun the Jupiter always a great place. Alright, that's it. That's too much podcast. I need to... This is my day off. Go... I almost said, go fuck yourself. That's a Bill Burr. Nanu, nanu. I don't know. I don't have a catchphrase. Yeah, you do. What?

Oh, play the mattoid. That's not a catchphrase. That's a closer. Play the mattoid. Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time Laugh your laughs and heat your heats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues It's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes It's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks It's party time Oh baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time

Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your craps and fuck your fuck fuck, six party time, here we go. Party time. Party time. Party time, yeah! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time! Hey! Party time!

Yeah! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time!

Party time!