The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EPISODE #35: Doug and Becker Back In Alaska

Episode Date: July 22, 2014

Doug heads to Anchorage, Alaska for the day to meet up with his best friend, Mat Becker. This episode is also available through Mat Becker's "Near The Wild, Alaska" podcast. This podcast sponsored by -Shitty Beer - http://deadsp.in/RTmfYVDr. Raad Taki - http://takiplasticsurgery.com/Comedian Geoff Tate's Podcast (@geofftate96) - "Afternoon, Everybody" If you have a story for Doug you can leave a message on the Burner Phone,[phone]. Recorded July 14, 2014 aboard Mat Becker's backyard bus in Anchorage, Alaska with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) and Mat Becker (@houdini357). Produced and Edited by Greg Chaille (@gregchaille). Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.  Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I liked about you in the end. La, la, la. We'll do it together. Hey, this is the Doug Stanhope podcast with Matt Becker. Hey, this is the Near the Wild podcast with Doug Stanhope. See?

If comedians with a podcast do a podcast, it should be both of their podcasts. It's the two birds, one stone podcast. It's a classic. It's why they put different artists in the 40s. They put them in the same movie. I love Bing Crosby. I love Dean Martin. I think I got the wrong guy. Yeah, but still, I've never seen a movie with that. I love Dean Martin. I think I got the wrong guy.

Yeah, but still, I've never seen a movie with that. I would see that. All right, we're in the bus, the magic bus, in Anchorage, Alaska, in Becker's backyard, the Near the Wild podcast home. Which, yeah, the Near the Wild podcast was, the first one went up on July 19th last year. Wow. Just days away from me. Oh, that 19th last year. Wow. Just days away from me.

Oh, that was me. Yeah. Wait. I was here. I've been doing an airport pub crawl or just flying to different airports and drinking and then flying to another airport and drinking. And I scheduled in Anchorage. I had a three and a half hour lay, and it happened to be open mic, so I broke the airport pub crawl rule

of don't leave the airport and got a ride down to Coots and in no shape to go on stage, which is perfect for open mic, and I did the three bits and then got off stage and said, fuck it, I'll change my flight. So I'm here, fucking

shaking like fucking Nicolas Cage and leaving Las Vegas. Couldn't sign the check at the bank, had to go to the bar. Yeah, it was a typical night of fire and alcohol.

It's the best way to do Anchorage is not tell anyone you're coming. And then you only tell one person and then only eight people know. Because you said don't tell anyone. Don't tell anyone. And then that's how it works. But we had a beautiful night by the fire. And woke up on the most comfortable couch in the world.

It's the Becker's couch. Woke up without shame. And I still have 11 hours before i fly out to try to break my record of ever leaving anchorage without some kind of distant shame making itself into brain cancer in the back of my head go away thoughts go away this is gonna turn out well yeah the uh the ticket change was quick and painless, too. Yeah, I called up. Hey, thanks, Delta.

Hey, this podcast is sponsored by the good folks at Delta Airlines who let me change my ticket without a fucking nickel. All we had to do was explain why he didn't want to go home. Well, there's no change in fare. I booked a ticket like 11 hours before I left. So I guess I was already paying the maximum amount. It's perfect. So how's things at home? What's that?

Oh, sorry. I thought you were part of this podcast, Jaylee. No, I thought you were asking Becker because you're visiting. I thought maybe you were asking him. I'm at his home. I'm talking about my home. You already told me that fucking dogs don't have food. I leave for 72 hours and my pets

are starving. Well, I don't know where Bingo is. My goldfish is out of water. The dogs and the cats are fine. We've had a pretty, it's supposed to be rainy a lot. And since you've left, we've had beautiful sunsets. So maybe change your flight again. I could use a couple more

nice nights. Bingo's recovering well. Her piss bag has been taken out. Bingo had to go back into, she didn't have to. She had the labiaplasty last year and the doctor said, oh, I could probably touch up a few spots if you want to schedule something for free. Like if you get a bad haircut and they go, oh, your bangs are a little little i could even them out so a very unnecessary surgery so that's why i decided hey this is a good time to take a flight i don't want to watch you walking around with a piss bag moaning because you just you have stitches in your cunt that you didn't need and then at the last minute uh she where i go up to the anesthesiologist or doctor friends that you know put this whole thing together and uh she goes well i could get a boob job while i'm

i'm gonna be put under anyway and then she got she was so set on getting a boob job like you you don't make this decision 12 hours before surgery on a whim. And then she was definitely going to get a boob job. So I called everybody to talk her out of it. Chad Shank couldn't talk her out of it. Her mother, who has a boob job that she regrets, couldn't talk it. And it took me well into the night to talk her out of it. And and it stuck. So she did not get a boob job.

She did not good because, I mean, what's the point of reworking the vagina? Everyone's just staring at your boobs. Really? Could have left the meat hanging. Stupid. Always leave them wanting more. When you were explaining it to me on the phone, I thought you were pranking me for sure. But it just seemed like she was giving that decision to get a boob job the same weight that you

give do i get the basic drive-through car wash do i get the deluxe with the undercoating it was like just this whole like like whatever it's just oh she was giddy because she said well the smallest one is about fist size and she kept putting her fists up to her boobs and pretending she had a job and i'm telling the fucking doctors our friends i'm like this is like giving a baby a tattoo you don't just do things like that she's not allowed to make these decisions yeah just standing at the candy rack at the fucking point of interest point of sale i think i going to get tattooed eyebrows. I'll be under anyway. That was her whole reasoning.

But I'm going to be asleep anyway. And it's cheap. They were going to do it for the price of the implant. I go, that's not a fucking thing that you... Don't go with a bargain on this. This is not time to be thrifty. If she's going to be under, there's a couple other things we could do. We could wash her feet. She wouldn't be awake for that.

Fake titty ladies always want to show off their titties, and I don't want her fucking whipping out her tits in a bar going, I got them pennies on the dollar. Hey, look, guys, pennies on the dollar. It's a push, pull, or drag it in blowout sale. Look at these. Well, I don't know how the vagina thing is going to work out then. Hey, drive-thru is perfect height.

And that's Dr. Rod Taki. R-A-A-D-T-A-K-I. Dr. Rod Taki. If you ever wantA-D-T-A-K-I. Dr. Rod Taki. If you ever want fucking pennies on the dollar for vagina surgery, we do touch-ups. Earl Shive. It's the same price.

No matter how many times it takes. I'll snip any vag for $99.99. I mean, it is one of those things that's very hard to check on his work. I mean, for the actual customer. Other people will tell you about it, but... Yeah, how do you look at a vagina and say, wow, that looks perfect?

I think he did a swell job. We're still waiting for someone to say that. Well, the other thing is there's that time when you get away with it, like a good palm reader. It's like, oh, it's just still puffed up. In about three or four days, it'll be fine. He's busy closing up shop, putting stuff in boxes. Oh, my God.

It's got a tentacle. I joey schizola used to do a bit about that about i don't know what the whole thing is this is before he came out of the closet but i don't know what the whole thing is with the vagina like if you ever if you were like a kid and you saw a disembodied vagina on the sidewalk you'd pick it up with a stick and chase your friends with it. Ew, get it away. Ew, get it away. Please hold. This podcast, this shaky-handed podcast,

is brought to you by shitty beer. Yeah. Keep it cold. Oh, good God, I get the shakes. Yeah. Throwing three cups of coffee on top of an already brittle nervous system. That Bailey's isn't going to take the edge off of it. It's like one of those vibrating football games.

Here, hold this. So, Doug, what airports have you been to since I saw you two days ago? I went Tucson to Atlanta, layover in Atlanta to Orlando. Picked Orlando because they have a Hyatt in the airport, so you're not breaking the rule by staying at the motel. Motel? The hotel. And then went to Minneapolis.

Three hour layover there. I remember a little bit of. And Anchorage. And then that's when it all went south. But I'll be on a plane tonight. I guarantee it. What could possibly go wrong? And then

you're back to Tucson, right? Yeah, back to Tucson I'll pick up Bingo Her bag is out, she's ready to go I'll be home tomorrow afternoon And then we have to come up with ideas Of shit to do with that reporter Coming down, but we'll talk about that

Another time A day in the life? Yeah, the Phoenix, whatever the paper is there I forget Phoenix Sun? No, the Phoenix, whatever the paper is there. I forget. How do we? Phoenix Sun. No. It's a Phoenix something else.

No, not Gazette. Whatever it is, the Phoenix newspaper is coming down to do a day in Doug Stanhope's Bisbee. Oh, nice. But we have to think of shit to do. Through your eyes? Yeah. All I ever do is sit on the patio and drink. I know. That's what i said so now

i have to think like i do stuff there is he bringing a photographer yes she is actually bringing a photographer that's why she had to do tuesday it's the only day she could get a photographer so it's tuesday wednesday when nothing's open i take them to cafe roca but instead we'll have to go to the bright spot which is not not even in Bisbee, it's in Palomino's, but it's a fucking cool steakhouse. But that is something we do. I mean, we've done. I mean, as far as... Walk the dogs? Oh, that'll be

fucking scintillating press. So yeah, I'll have to make shit up. But Tuesday is City Council, so if we have a good thing to go fuck with City Council, that's always fun. Get drunk and go give a speech council, that's always fun. Get drunk. Go give a speech that doesn't make any sense. Protesting current Javelina pickup service.

More federal dollars. We could do something about the plastic bag ban. That's a huge point of contention in Bisbee. They banned plastic bags and all the merchant merchants are really pissed about it. And half the population is really fucking angry because you get paper bags that you have to pay for and they have no handles. Well,

that's not the fight though, Doug. The fight is that the city council passed it without putting it to a vote. And everyone's saying like, well, you know what, what they're saying is, is they, um they that

they wanted to be able to vote on something like this but really what it is is people would rather just have plastic bags right we were going to do plastic bag night at the baseball game oh where everyone wears them on their head we just give we give out plastic bags because you can't get them in town contraband are you allowed to use the ones you currently? Oh, yeah. You can use the ones. So then the Bisbee baseball field would be your source for the band bags. Fuck.

What day is it? Because we've got to go to those last two Bisbee Blue games. The last two home games are Friday, Saturday. Friday, Saturday. They were in Douglas last night. Tracy probably knows the score. What day is it now? Today's Thursday. Thursday. Oh, shit. They were in Douglas last night. Tracy probably knows the score. What day is it now? Today's Thursday.

Thursday. Oh, shit. You'll be home Friday. I'll be home just in time to fucking go get shit-faced at a baseball game. No, we're doing Saturday. You're going to do the announcing with one of the gals. Yeah, Sarah. But I was going to do both nights.

Oh, you were? I figured. Why leave her hanging? Yeah. Well. I'll be there. I'll be there for you. Baseball announcing.

It's America's pastime. Oh, shit. We have to bartend. I know. We have to go bartend the birdhouse, too. Day shift. Yeah. Yeah.

Becker got that girl to cover for him last night so we could drink together and then we i said yeah he throws it out there like it's no big deal we'll come in and cover for you tomorrow then for day shift really well i don't know yeah you can't hold drunk people too yeah i don't think so but she had this look of believing us yeah yeah yeah she had hope in her Chinese eyes. She's Korean. Either way. Kim's a wonderful person.

Is that a first name or last name? Don't stereotype. Did you watch South Korean soccer? It's the only team you can pronounce every last name. Park, Kim, Lee. It was great listening to soccer on radio. Yeah, if they were very diverse backgrounds, you could tell who had the ball. Like when it's Colombia versus Mexico, you have no fucking idea.

Rodriguez passes off to fucking Suarez or whatever. I don't know who has a ball, but if it's Park against Falun Buey Buey, Ghana got the goal. I think Uruguay's in trouble on this one. A lot of Spensons. I think you should tweet that you're going to be in the birdhouse, Doug. I think you should tweet that you're going to be in the birdhouse, Doug. Speaking of tweet, the world is anticipating Matt Becker's first tweet.

I already tweeted, hey, follow Becker. He's the funniest person I've ever known anywhere, ever, ever. And he has no tweets. Yeah, and the lead thing is, he better be. He better not be bullshit. So he's got a lot of followers waiting for the first tweet at Houdini 357.

Like the magnum. Houdini 357. So follow Matt Becker, and if he doesn't have a tweet by the time you're listening to this, well, it's probably not going to happen. It's a matter of the first tweet being, you know. Well, you know, we had a similar situation with a comic, Brett Erickson, out of Peoria.

We all know Brett. He refused to get on Twitter. He was so against it. Just like the comics back in the MySpace days. Fuck that bullshit. It's stupid. Yeah. Well, it's stupid and you are at home instead of working.

And he has become completely obsessed with it since then. The big problem was when we were trying to get his name. He had something... What was the big deal there? He has a very common name. Every version of Brett Erickson comedy, like, that's too long. So he went with, I don't know what he went with, like 68, I think.

Erickson 68 or something. I don't know. I think that was his barrier to begin with, was I can't even figure out it. Yeah, I have that problem. I'll put out a DVD just because I have a great title right now I don't have a great title

for the next one so I'm in no hurry Twitter's a perfect not arena venue for Matt Becker it's not still the wrong word platform best jokes

stage how about stage yeah no and that's the thing is is i like that i like topical stuff anyway so medium that's what i was looking for and yeah becker's always get the fucking best topical shit right away yeah so we'll just dump those on there and that'll be there. That'll be perfect. What was the Becker joke you told me about 9 out of 10 Indian women? Some rape joke. Oh yeah. What do 9 out of 10 people in India enjoy?

Gang rape. Too soon? I'm not doing it. I'm repeating the news. People need to lighten up. I love it when you do anything that's negative and they're like, oh, that's offensive. And you go, yeah, that's what I got out of it.

I mean, what? I didn't say rape people. I'm going to fucking repeat that all the time. Uh-oh, sorry. We got audio issues. Oh, I just watched Commando. This might be when they land in our backyard and ask us if they want to help the government.

I'm tired. I'm not getting back into this. So this is a dual podcast Yeah Every fucking comic Anytime two people do a podcast Just put it out as your own podcast Yeah

You don't have to do another podcast that week Jesus Christ Yeah It actually makes sense because every time I hear Any of the ones like Louis CK Will do like with yours. Well, he doesn't have his own podcast. But

when I did Bert Kreischer's, I should have put that out as mine to introduce my people to Bert Kreischer while he's introducing me to his people. You both benefit. So every comic who is not listening to my podcast.

Well, we were going to do that with Jeff Tate, but it ended up being a two-part. We did something with Andy and that other kid who was molested by spleen. So it was a short one. But we've been waiting to do this. I mean, lead by example right jeff tate's podcast is about cheers so it would have been tough to work that it's hard to slip that in repeatedly i love jeff tate yeah he's fucking hysterical yeah i have a podcast it's just about cheers he discusses different episodes with his

guests I think he makes you watch an episode so you can discuss it I was going to say yeah it's based on my memory I don't know if that's a good idea I think he's going in order too we listen to one of them he's telling you which one he's going to watch next so that when the next podcast

comes around you can be more invested in the topic. But he does know every detail. He deconstructs the episode. Yeah, the one we listened to, he was with Tom Segura, and he was talking about, I love this episode because at one point, there's an extra, and she's in a wheelchair. It's really cool to have someone in a wheelchair and we're very progressive but fucking they don't explain

there's five stairs you have to go down to get in the chair how did she get down there she's sitting alone Fucking brilliant. Junior Stopka had a podcast, which is fucking unlistenable. The food one. Yeah. Wasn't it a video? It was video, too. Yeah.

It's a cooking show. He duct taped the microphone to his chest so he could have his hands free to hear him breathing. And his Twitter is only readable if you know Junior and know how fucking retarded he is because his jokes are all like, he texted me this morning and he said, I hope I can remember it because you made me shut my phone off. He said, did you know my cat is in the UFC? He does the rear naked choke hold.

R-E-E-E-R, all caps. Which is hilarious. If you know, junior, we laughed. I can, I can understand why people didn't listen to me when I said, Hey,

follow Becker. He's really funny. Cause I said that about junior once. And there's a lot of people scratching their fucking head, but not as cat. Hey, since, since we talked about, uh, Jeff Tate's, uh, podcast, uh, but not his cat. Hey, I think he mentioned me. Hey,

since, since we talked about, uh, Jeff Tate's, uh, podcast, I'll just give it out right now. It's,

uh, afternoon. Everybody is the name of Jeff Tate's podcast. And it, uh, it's good. Listen to it. I don't know how often it comes out.

That's a plug. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and we're going to be in Vegas together. Oh yes. Las Vegas. Becker and Stan. Oh, right. And again, we're going to be in Vegas together. Oh, yes. Las Vegas. Becker and Stan Hope riding again.

We're going to relive our youth. We're going to relive our euphemisms. Yeah. Starts with a microphone in front of you and ends up with that rabbit ear pocket thing. Yeah. September 27th is the show, and then hang out with me and Becker and probably Andrist and maybe Junior

and a whole cavalcade of underground stars for Sunday. We're going to watch football in the casino all day Sunday, and you can hang out and all you people from fucking weird places that email me and say, why don't you ever play Tinseltown fucking pencil tucky? No, I never will. But come to Vegas. And yeah, I'll engage your dumb ideas and thoughts.

And I always wanted to do comedy. How do I get started? And I'll feed you some line of bullshit. And I'll go, oh, I got to make a bet. And then I'll get out of the conversation. Hang on one second. second betting on the coin flip yeah we gotta do definitely side bets so that'll chad shank's gonna be there oh yeah just found that out

and yeah andy's in but he wants to know if he's doing time i don't know the problem with vegas is they can get really cunty about the the time you're on stage because they only want you on stage long enough to bring people in and then get them back out and gambling so we're gonna have to have fucking our pitbull hennigan get on them about giving us a fucking decent amount of time on stage and And do you remember with the Vegas Improv when they... Seven and a half minutes exactly? Yeah, no, Steve Chirippo, my first emceeing gig at the

Riviera, the Improv at the Riv, and he goes, remember, you're doing seven minutes, not 701, not 699. Seven. He was quite a violent man. Yeah, he'd slap me a lot.

But tell them that the best part was at the end, they'd have you sign shirts. Remember? So you'd have the opener, but there were four people on the whole bill. And of course, the headliner was the guy that came to see. Yeah, four people doing an hour. Right. Total. So they'd line it up, and so

some guy's paying $29 for a shirt and the opener they give you a marker and you get to write whatever you want on their shirt and they're like, I really just wanted him. Yeah, I remember someone saying, are you the DJ here all the time? Like they didn't even know the

fucking nomenclature. So yeah, that's September 27 27th it should be fun road trip yeah that's the thing i gotta write this up we already talked about this on another podcast it's because the plaza which becker and i played at the plaza back in the fucking day we used to play poker this is way before world series of poker and poker was it was the only poker room it was it was they only had it because of the hard course they didn't want poker it was no they'd probably lose they you know lose money just having to hire a dealer for the five stalwarts that actually played poker and back then it's it's still old vegas but it was such a fucking rat trap back then

that one time a cockroach crawled across the table while we're playing and the dealer is shuffling and just staring at the cockroach doesn't even try to flick it off and we're going can we get a comp now like i think anytime a cockroach what walks we should get a fucking breakfast buffet comp nope but then we realized the cockroach walks, we should get a fucking breakfast buffet comp. Nope. But then we realized the cockroach is running from the breakfast buffet. At which point you realize maybe we don't want the breakfast buffet. We'll just take our chances at poker.

Yeah. No, but that was amazing. That was like the original poker room that still survived and when we we had gone down there because that was that one we did it on halloween remember we drove straight through with the guy from australia oh after the comedy store wow yeah oh yeah yeah we're driving mikey i still remember that guy's name some poor fuck flew from australia and said where are you playing and i said i'll be at the comedy store tonight not even like a headlining set just your regular showcase set and it was so

dead it was a monday or tuesday or something and there was nobody in the audience so they just didn't have a show i felt all bad this guy's from australia this is when i had that very sporadic fan base like no one knew me, but one fucking guy. I will fly across the country. So we just take him to Vegas. Yeah. We just drove to Vegas that night.

I don't remember what happened after that. No, we went there. It was Halloween really technically night. And when we were leaving town, so we got the guy from Australia 15, 18 years ago. And we're leaving town. So we got the guy from Australia. It was like 15, 18 years ago. And we're like driving.

I still remember his email address was Mikey182 at whatever. He's probably still out there somewhere. I think he was working in a meth in Adeline. Wow. Should we take that out? I don't know. Wait a minute. I didn't give the at what.

If I said Yahoo, maybe we'd have to bleep it. I don't remember what is. I mean, if there's a criminal record that you can look up, it's not really disclosing anything. Good God. Hey, we forgot to mention Tracy is here. Greg Chaley's Tracy. We're with your girlfriend in a bus.

Possibly illicit materials. Sounds about right tracy how about going to grab us a beer and that was tracy ladies and gentlemen how about there we go tracy so she's not fun like bingo she doesn't get upset when you fuck with her You know she's very tolerant Tell me about it Hey if you have a great story Especially if you're In one of the towns we'll be touring on

Check DougStanhope.com On the tour dates Hey if you're in that town you have a great story you want to tell us on the podcast we probably won't use you but the only way we're going to find out is if you call 520-366-1078 that's 520-366-1078. That's our fucking burner phone for the podcast. And that way we can figure out if you can speak. We tried this beforehand again, which I like trying to get people who have good stories when we're in fuck off

Wyoming or wherever. Hey, but then they, they, what they do is they email, email it. Oh, well you might be able to email,

but then you can't talk when you get there. That makes sense. Yeah, so that's why we got this. Did you see this? It's the new Doug Stano burner phone. I like that. Yeah, Doug Stano podcast burner phone. What's that number?

520-366-1078. Sorry, did you say 520? Oh, 366-1078. I wasn't sure about that. You have to do it in a sing-song way. That's how they do it in real commercials. Sorry, did you say 520? Oh, 366-1078. I wasn't sure about that. You have to do it in a sing-song way. That's how they do it in real commercials. Oh, really? 520-366-1078.

888. 888. All right. Oh, that dropped call to you by Skype. And now the second half of the Matt Becker near the wild, near the wild slash Doug podcast. Also brought to you by cheap beer. The last beer in the freezer.

God, why do you do that? You make slushy beer. Well, you're supposed to pull them out and let them... Yeah, I keep them frozen so when you leave them laying there... Couldn't you have brought an assortment of warm beer or slushy beer? Where were we when we got cut off? You said Tracy's very tolerant and I said

tell me about it. And then it went dead. Tracy did it. Tracy did it. Can I get a warm beer, Tracy? Let's try this again. She's passive aggressive. All right.

Here's more single engine Cessnas coming to fuck up our audience. Yeah, we live next to the largest small airport in the world. It's like Reno, the biggest little city in the world. We have so few crashes, it's almost amazing. Small planes almost never crash into Becker's house. Almost never.

100%, 90% of the time. But yeah, but it's actually really cool because you see all these different ones. You realize you can fly anything. I mean, since like the Wright brothers. You'll see these things with like fucking duct tape on them. And I guess I forget what the speed is.

65 miles an hour is what it takes to fly, I think. But yeah, and you'll see them flying with no doors and shit. And you're like, what? Didn't your buddy Jaredared uh just start yeah he's 15 hours away from being uh yeah free to go and and what's the total time though 25 i mean he said like third lesson he was like all right take the stick yeah there it's amazing when you take flying lessons he fucking like third lesson in, they shut the plane off, had him steer with the doors. They do. He goes, no, this is why you take lessons.

You don't take them to sit next to me, watching me fly. You take them to learn to fly. So he teaches you everything that can go wrong. That's what the lessons are. And so he's like killing the engine. He fucking fogs it up. He turns the instruments off on him. He unplugged shit like the air thing.

So all of a sudden he thinks he's going up but he's not hey welcome to tough love flying lessons but the other thing is the guy's like ah you're you're a lot better than some of them some of them i you know you know i'm fucking scatterbrained i'm fucking well right into a mountain i'll be like oh we're gonna die he goes stop it i was fucking with you well the thing is in al, everything is a reality show now, so they have to amp up the drama. Oh, that sounds good. That's not frozen.

Oh, shit. Here, put this in here. God damn it. Here, watch. There you go. You shouldn't need tricks. You don't drink frozen beer. Get it off the laptop, you dummy.

Why are you on beer, Doug? I thought you were a vodka soda man. Well, we just get out of bed. No, it should be mimosa time, but no one planned ahead. Yeah, all you got to do is just tell me. It's the worst fucking... It's unbelievable. I think we have no car, but I also think we're in a, uh, I only smoke when

I'm drinking household. So everyone that was here last night left their extra cigarettes. I was, I was walked around shaking packs to see how long I had before we'd have to find some kind of rescue operation to bring me smokes, but I'm good. It's goddamn brilliant actually. Cause I mean, if you think about alaska like in the wintertime we'll get snowed in and what we do is we you know how that works with all of the people we know you'll call up and go hey uh can you bring over beer and cigarettes and whatnots and and and and we'll have a chain in which like billy one time on the way to work came over and dropped off all the supplies. Now we don't have to leave for another 24 hours.

High five! It's pretty much survival of the fittest up here. You find yourself sober on a snowy day, you fucked up massively. You need more friends. I have kids that come knock on my door and they'll be like, do you want me to shovel your driveway?

No, I'm going to get to it. But you can go get me beer. Yeah, get me beer. You can use my ID. Here's my ID. Here, let me give you a scar. A fake goatee. It's goddamn brilliant.

Becker and I last night, you know how me and Duran up here do the who's got the longest balls competition and every year I think maybe I can beat them and I never can well last night Becker and I were doing who's got the more grotesque ventral hernia competition hands down it's weird

a thing I've never heard of in my life a ventral hernia as soon as you say it, I have one of those. Oh, I have one of those. It's like when I said I have herpes and everyone's like, oh, I have herpes too. Who doesn't have herpes? That's why I won't buy a Porsche. Both Becker and I do a sit up and a fucking alien lump jumps out of it.

Horrendous. Someone sent me a picture of a Chinese guy with a ventral hernia where his heart came through it. See, we're already beat. We can't compete internationally. No, but then, you know, he's got better health care than we do. We're kind of double A ball up here. No, you always stay in your region, you know. Yeah, don't fight outside your weight.

Dude, we're the best softball team in Anchorage. Oh, don't go to Reno. You're going to hate it. Ay-yi-yi. It's another fucking day in paradise up here, Chaley. Fantastic. Usually I leave Anchorage feeling like it's either

the airport or the ER. But I beat it this time by showing up in that condition. So I feel like I'm playing on the house's money. Yeah.

It was. It was funny. He was half-eyed. People are like, is he going to go up on stage? I go, he is. But he's working against a lot of sleep aids.

So you're going to have to get him up right away. I was on fucking Xanax, Benadryl, and Somnix. That's what killed River Phoenix. Did you do Somnix just for the taste? I mean,

after you've got Xanax in there, the Benadryl. That's over a course of flights. Like, alright, that's wearing wearing off so we'll restart it with this and then finish it out with that and then yeah i had three bits that i i wanted to try they yeah i don't i don't even know what the fuck i was saying up there no it was it worked great like i said they were they couldn't figure out what exactly you were doing here well it i'm sure it's uh soothed soothed the nerves of

whoever had to follow me like fuck i gotta follow doug stand up not hard tonight not a difficult chore Big fat softball pitch No that was it It was like throwing out the ceremonial ball at him It was like oh that wasn't a bad pitch Little help Little help shag that ball Another souvenir for a fan

It's gigs like that where you just It's all the people that went Fuck why didn't you tell me i'm in anchorage i would have been there they just hear you did a set they don't know it was atrocious yeah that was that was the uh the buzz on uh facebook because a bunch of posts from uh some of the open micers and doug i mean duran posted and took some pictures. And it was the whole thing was like, oh, shit. Oh, man, I wish I was there. Oh, man, I just left. I've done better sets talking in my sleep.

No, but it wasn't that. The whole point was that it's the ones who weren't there that think you were great. Oh, yeah, the legend goes. Yeah. Oh, man, you missed it last night. Oh, was it David Tell? You should have hung out, dude tell you should have hung out dude you should have hung out oh it was always ralphie may would always do that like after everyone left the comedy stores when two porno chicks brought me in the bathroom like that never

how many unverifiable stories do you have yeah that's it now they got cameras everywhere it was like that remember the lady that kid got mauled by a fucking pit bull said that kfc the customers were offended by her appearance the little kid's appearance so the grandmother had to leave and they didn't even eat their food and then they fucking after the surgeons came out and said oh we'll fix her face. Because she really was attacked by a pit bull. But it wasn't the grandmother. And so then they fucking, KFC's taking all the heat on this.

So they fucking pull up the thing. They never came in the store. They never ate there. It was all a lie. They go, we got video, bitch. And now the surgeons are like, well, we'll still do the surgery. But they're not going to do as good a surgery. No, no.

Pressure's off. Make her look like the grandmother. That surgery was done, by the way, by Dr. Rod Taki. Rod Taki, if you want any kind of plastic surgery, your vagina looks weird, your kid get mauled by a pit bull, go to Tucson, Dr. Rod Taki. He does the best he can. He'll put my girlfriend's vagina on your mauled child's face.

He'll do one boob at a time if that's what it needs. I wonder if bingos of labia will be eyelids for burn victims someday. I bet they do. I bet they use every part of it. They're like Indians. I bet they do. I bet they use every part of it. They're like Indians. Do you remember hair extensions? Everyone always, Oh, remember kids with cancer,

kids with cancer. You ever read the whole background story? The background story is it turns out kids with cancer don't really wear wigs. That's why the whole class shaves their head. And they're like, we're all bald for Kevin. And so they go, where's all the wig thing? They send it to India where they make hair extensions with it for free. And then they ship it back and they sell it for a thousand dollars. I don't want to know this. You're stepping all over a bit that I do. No, I'm sorry.

But the fact is, it's a huge scam. And remember when they collected all the hair during the oil spill? They go, we're going to use hair because hair collects oil, and we're going to use it to make a big ball of it in a barge, and we're going to do it. And first they said it'd be a complete health hazard. The FDA and everybody got involved and said, you can't use hair to fucking stop oil.

What would we do with oily hair then? They go, burn it? They go, this makes no sense. Guess what? All the hair they collected got sent over to India to make hair extensions. Traded for kidneys. That's it. I can't wait for that, Cam. You go in and go, yes.

I want a new heart. You go, your heart's fine. You go, yeah, I just want one. I got money. You! Livers help stop forest fires, so please donate. Yeah, we need that.

This is nothing I need. We couldn't help but notice. Remember Celine? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Celine's fucking sitting in Cincinnati. She's liver failure, waiting on a new liver. No way. We were just talking about her.

Yeah, I got to call her because, yeah, for some reason she was in Mexico. I don't know if you could get cheaper livers down there. Yeah, we got to call her after this. No, everybody terminally she was in Mexico. I don't know if you could get cheaper livers down there. We got to call her after this. No, everybody terminally ill goes to Mexico. Remember when that, like Michael- Joey Diaz called me up. The only time he's called me, hey, you got a fucking,

your little sister there, fucking Selenia, she's fucking dying of liver failure. You got to give her a buzz. No, that guy didn't say a liver. Yeah, I'll call her. She texted me the other day and said uh yeah i'm sitting in a old folks home for three months waiting on a new liver she goes fly out and see me in cincinnati she goes i'll split the airfare with you i go split the liver with me

you you're kidding me you're sitting in old folks home you can't find a liver those people don't have memories do you know who took it i don't yeah i think it was hispanic lady i knew it the nurse yeah no that's uh celine though that was the one where we uh so the halloween we went and uh we used to go down to uh to to laA. for Halloween and we stayed at your place. You were on the road still and we hung out with Celine and we drank Bloody Marys for fucking probably almost 18 hours. Yeah.

With Celine. Where are they now? Well, I mean, the point is I was going to say, well, we quit drinking them at some point. I'm going to fly to Cincinnati to hang out with someone who wants to drink and can't. I'll just hang out with the

pilots. I'm going to get a bucket of chicken and go over to Darfur to enjoy it all alone while you stare at me with those big eyes. Oh, that was a nut fucking. I just thought of another He would stare at me with those big eyes. Oh, that was a nut fucking. I just thought of another bit I wanted to try out an open mic and forgot.

But I don't want to stain them all. Yeah. No, I mean, that's the thing. I mean, you know, we actually have a really aggressive. It's a good open mic. I mean, the guys are really good and they improve and they write new stuff. And a, you know, it has that feel where it's very tough. I mean, a couple of the guys were like, I wish there was more open mics in town.

I go, we can go start them. But the problem is, as you know, it's open mic is you get a whole diverse group of people. So if you go to a fucking Mexican restaurant and you go, we're going to do an open mic and the guy haphazardly goes, go ahead. And then some guys doing a fist fuck joke, you know, we're going to do an open mic. And the guy haphazardly goes, go ahead. And then some guy's doing a fist fuck joke. You know, while people are eating, they go, well, no, we don't want it again. So I said, you either curtail it to the people who can do a restaurant or you're going to stay at Goods. Yeah, that's always the problem with open mic is everyone has to put every open mic or on the thing or risk.

Right. You know, socially off offending and you can't just put up everyone that sucks you have to meet out the suck and balance it okay we're only doing this many every week right rotate you and if you're doing the same shit every fucking week there's no reason that we need to put you up yeah and they have a couple where they just they need to rotate them out so they don't you can't have seven minutes for a year you can't do no i mean you're yeah you're you're you're living in the accolades of yeah you're just like hey this this is my song at karaoke i just want to get applause and pussy and see yeah but that's the thing is we both know how that works is dad they, oh, I fucking completely

kill Pearl Jam. Unfortunately, now their database of fucking is they don't know who Pearl Jam is. They're like, do you do any other songs? No, I still just do Pearl Jam. I used to make Becker go to this karaoke place because we

used to, one time we went to this awful bar when we lived in Phoenix. And I think it was in Mesa. It was some, it was hard to get to and it was awful. But the first time I went there, I did my, I had I Am Woman with my own lyrics. They usually got me thrown out of karaoke. Yeah, because they're like, you're allowed to change the lyrics. What?

Copyright laws. Integrity with the karaoke crowd crowd the first time i went there randomly we went there i got uh i got laid by some uh lower mediocre woman but it still counted but like in my head i thought oh you that bar is great because you can get pussy there. So we kept going back against Becker's. Oh, that was the fucking night. Have we talked about this on a podcast? That was the night. There's no way I'm going home with her fucking friend.

She's a pig. There's no way. And over the course of beers, as I'm hooking up with this chick, Becker finally lowers the standards enough to go home with her pig friend who's this grotesque and he gets back to her place and she just turns out, I'm not

fucking you. Why would you think I'd fuck you? And he's like, what? It took me like six hours to lower my standards enough to be here. So she went to the bathroom. Becker stole her last food stamp out of her wallet and came back we were sharing this horrible fucking not even one bedroom like a bachelor apartment in mesa and we put that food stamp up on the refrigerator yeah that was it i

stole her last food and they go when she goes to she goes to the store and goes, yeah, I'll have the ringdings and a sub. Hey! I fucked you. I haven't eaten pork since. Those were the days. She had it coming Yeah we had some good road ones

The Skanky Bleeder Oh yeah I actually went back to that bar They still do comedy there The place is run down This is in Idaho Falls That's too long of a story It goes nowhere I just edited

that was good that was you had to be there yeah it was still no it wasn't idaho falls it was yeah no it was it was uh are you gonna tell the story no no i just we realized the story you had to be there we have video of it though one day we should put up old videos fucking bust my balls about that listeners we have old videos of us with fucking mullets driving around yeah and and and starting forest fires yeah i think the time limit's over now we used to laugh because every time we'd see a forest fire we'd drive through these back roads till we could get to where the fire was and we'd always do the same video clip. Doug smoking going, ah, I guess there's a fire warning, but I don't know what it's all about. And he'd flick a cigarette out of the car

and then we'd drive and you could see the fire fucking raging. We were driving. We were going, I think, Salt Lake to Boise. And middle of nowhere. And it's at night and we saw forest fires raging. So we took one of those, the exit, what do they call them just farm exit

like there's nothing on that exit and you get onto a dirt road so we just kept driving towards where we saw the light of the fire and we're fucking wicked lost on dirt roads in the middle of the night and no way to get out of jackrabbits when they would run in front of your car we realized if you aim your car headlights towards them they would run in front of your car we realized if you aim your car headlights towards them they would stay in the headlights so you could actually guide them we have video of this and we're doing the benny hill theme song and we're saying chasing jackrabbits going and these rabbits are just fucking diving if they of you. If they try to run off-road, if you went towards them, they'd get back on the road. It was fucking hilarious.

And then we end up in the middle of the fucking forest fire. And this fire... Now we realize we got everything we wanted. And we have no plan. Then we get to the fire where it's on both sides of the road. And there's not fire trucks like in a city. But, you know, border patrol-y kind of, we're the only guys. And the firefighters are looking at us like, who the fuck are you?

Why are you here? We're just trying to get out of the fire now. We ended up driving through a field. We weren't even on the road. No, we lost the road because it turns out that was the fire road. We lost the road because the, the, which turns out that was the fire road. I think that's why I don't have any, uh, uh, interest in color and outside the lines anymore.

Now, if I saw a forest fire, I go, Oh, I'll read about it. Yeah. Well, now you can GPS exactly where it is. Back then we were just kind of, remember, have a map in the in the glove box and we go oh fuck i told my tour montana out to write that number up that girl we don't have a map with no montana and we're in montana we're like fuck i'm not buying a map so doug would go in thank god doug has a good memory he'd go and look at the map in the gas station and go i think I got this. Remember these numbers. 18, 53, 17. All right. You're so much more interesting

when you were broke. Yeah. Back when you had to get away with shit. You had so much more fun. You remember when we would let tapes loop like in the player. We'd let them loop like Joe's Garage, Joe and Armortrading. Joe and Armortrading, I remember that. And Counting Crows. When Counting Crows was going, tapes loop like in the player we'd let them loop like joe's garage joe and armor trading joe and

armor trading i remember that counting crows when counting crows was going we had that you remember we were at that gas station and we were both getting on each other's nerves enough where we were like fucking hitting our wall which happens with that oh wait we're we're in minneapolis i could tell by your hand motion the fucking story you're about to tell first of all it was counting crows and cheryl crow both came out it was 94 i think and uh fucking loved those albums but we're in minneapolis we have a gig in duluth it's that's like a two and a half hour drive if memory serves if if i'm wrong i'll go to the gas station and get a map and check it without buying it. And we fuel up at a gas station. I have my 84 Olds Cutlass. And the window's halfway down.

We fuel up. It's freezing out. It's fucking March. So it's still pretty fucking cold in Minneapolis. I slam the door and the fucking driver's side window shatters all over. And we have to drive two and a half hours in the fucking freezing cold. And I realized I just bought a gallon of iced coffee. This is the worst thing you could have for this driver.

So we're wearing sweatshirts backwards or something. I forget how we're dressed. We're wearing clothes. On our heads for the wind chill. And there's no way to drive because my window still works. So if I stay close to the door, it clearly appears I'm trying not to be freezing.

We're on the fucking highway and people are wondering why you're driving with your fucking window down. I had a sweatshirt with my face going through the neck hole. Something else on my hands, like socks on my hands.

But the best of people driving next to us, it reminds me of that plane change at Hobbit Hills where the car broke down. We're acting like nothing's wrong. What is wrong with you guys? We're like, we have to get to Duluth. Oh, good God. I remember that gig, too.

Oh, do you remember? The fucking pool table. Was it a titty bar? Yeah. Some half-ass kind of titty bar where they don't get naked. No, but they insinuate it. We were winning at the pool table, and we could feel. The weird vibe. Decker's always paranoid, but he insinuate it. We were winning at the pool table and we could feel the weird vibe.

Decker's always paranoid, but he's usually right. And people were like, dudes were beat on the pool table where you could see him plotting against us like they're going to kick our ass. We fucking paid off the bartender. Oh, no. There was a biker. Yeah. And we're like, hey, can we buy you a drink? Act like you're

our friend yeah and he said if they kick the shit out of you i'm not helping that's all right and it did and we worked it because remember you had the santa claus hat on that's what started it i used to wear a santa claus hat all the time for no reason. Yeah, and they were fucking highly offended. Yeah, but we get out of there. Clink, clink. Mary's, I think, was it something Mary's in Duluth? I think, yeah. That wasn't the bar.

That was the bar we played was Grandma's, Grandma's. I don't know. We'll get emails correcting me. But do you remember Duluth was horrible because the club was right next to the Mayo Clinic thing? No, that's Rochester. Okay. Yeah, I remember that because they bring in all the fucking people waiting, foreigners waiting for their... Yeah, we just did it again.

We just did Rochester like last year, right, Chaley? Yeah, that was on the East Coast run. Chaley's like our Robin Quivers where we pretend he's in the studio. Chaley's like our Robin Quivers where we pretend he's in the studio. Yeah, that was a classic though. Cause yeah, you'd go out and they'd be all fucking foreigners sitting there staring at you going, why are they here? And they go, Oh, they're waiting for their family to get patched up over at the Mayo Clinic.

Oh shit. Rochester Hedberg and I did a, it's one of the classic yet cliched story of where we, we were co-headlining some one nighter there before we were anyone, we were completely unknown. So you're playing to whoever shows up and like the owner of the bar just died. So all the people came back from his fucking wake and, and then sat there like the only people there.

And so Hedberg and I co-headlined tag team wrestling style. So you'd go up and do as much time as you could stomach to silence and then go tag. And then the other guy would go up and do as much time and then tag back and forth. So we covered our contractual agreement of 90 minutes. But no one had the awkward stink. Yeah.

Those were the days! Minneapolis was always fun though. I was always going through knuckleheads when we used to. I don't get enough email contact.

When you're on Facebook, all your old friends are supposed to find you. I want to, like, Tammy Nerby. Whatever happened to Tammy Nerby? She's living in England, I think. Is she? But yeah, I don't... Her sister works in Duluth as the weather lady still. I love those emails where you go, hey, you remember?

Oh, fuck, Tim Chapdelaine. I still... Tegan. I'll tell you that story afterwards. She was friends with a suicide girl. Anyway. But yeah, I see her. I think Chaley's trying to chime in.

Nope. Do you remember the knuckleheads? Maybe he was just snoozing. Chaley's a fucking closet narcoleptic. And he'll just be in the middle of a sentence and start snoring. So maybe that was. There's nothing closet about it.

I just haven't been actually diagnosed, but I plan on doing that when I get to Seattle. Careful to throw a boob job in. Go ahead. What were you saying? So, yeah, I know. But yeah, but I remember the. Oh, Tim Chapdelaine, you fucking ran into on a plane?

Yep. Coming back from Costa Rica. Costa Rica, yeah. He's buying coffee. He was kind of like the Kramer. He worked at the bar at Knuckleheads as a bartender, but he always had some scheme, his million-dollar scheme. And fucking decades and a half later,

Becker finds him on a plane coming back from costa rica and he yeah had a fucking scheme he was buying costa rican coffee bring it up roasting himself saving the middleman i was like how's that working how many bags you got but yeah uh and the other one was uh knuckleheads of where the staff was always really cool and that was they were all really fun but remember the one kid who robbed the bank what we won't use names but you remember one of this get caught yeah remember you can use his name you don't remember no i don't remember his name thank god see i'm protecting him but uh there was the awkwardness we're there i was at the same time we did the kir Puckett thing? We went and announced to the

Acme Comedy Club staff and this is at Kirby Puckett his height of fame for the Minnesota Twins that he had died in a car accident because the highway was shut down and they wouldn't announce any details but it was a very important

accident. It was a teacher. accident. No, it was just a fucking accident. It was a teacher. No, remember, a teacher burst into flames. Whatever it was, it was fucked. And we went in and said Kirby Puckett just got killed in a car accident. And so for an hour, no one knows the truth. They're watching the news, waiting for it.

Like, yeah, I haven't heard. And they were really pissed off at us. They were service crying. And we're like, did you fuck him too? I thought it was just NERB. NERB-y. She got us tickets though. We would go sit with the divorced wives. Yeah, she

worked both me and Becker the same way. Got us tickets, free tickets to go see the twins and then brought us home and fucked us. It was goddamn brilliant. I mean, if you like baseball. Well, that's a podcast. I'm still wearing my eye mask, but I'm... Keep this audio see if people can guess what we were doing Oh, you knocked my block off.

I did it. I got it. I got it. Yeah. Oh, you want to start over? Okay, ready? Go. Oh!

That kid's got a glass jaw. Your block doesn't come off. You have this rigged. Yes, it does. There's my one that's rigged. No, it isn't. All right. Stop starting rumors.

Because he lost three times. Don't, don't, don't. Let's start. So, Doug, what are your plans for the rest of the day? You've got about 10 more hours in Anchorage before you come back to Tucson. Well, we're supposed to bartend at 2, and I think 3. 3? She said 2. She's a drunkard.

She also said she was only working 2 hours last night. You can't believe her. Well, let's let her... I'm following Becker's lead. I can't make decisions. We're going to go find breakfast. Yeah, I have one more beer, and I'll get the shakes away make decisions. We'll figure it out. Because, yeah, we're going to go find breakfast. Yeah. I have one more beer, and I'll get the shakes away, and then we'll figure it out from there.

Then we'll just go write Mimosa. I hope Mimosa's going to be fantastic. No, that's brilliant. What's your signature drink, Doug? What are you going to pour? Are you going to bring some heat? No, no. Anything that I...

Jager with Tabasco? If the ingredients are in the title, I'll make it. Okay. Yeah, a vodka soda. I can figure out the fucking button on the cup. That's it. Cuba Libra? I can do it. Cuba Libra. But anyone who orders one, you're a fucking asshole. Pretentious pig.

Just say rum and coke with a lime. Why don't we do a tiki theme? Some Mai Tais? I don't say screwdriver. I don't say a Cape Cod- a cape codder yeah i know i hate that that kills me yeah assholes can i get a can i get a an onion splitter i love it you know blue moon you've seen that right you gotta love this in alaska so blue moon you know their whole ad campaign oh we went around to bars and we had people try blue moon with a slice of orange

and they loved it we won nothing and i go well that's great but oranges aren't really seasonal up here doug and uh blue moon stopped showing up with oranges so now i get every jack wad that orders blue moon can i get orange to go the orange costs more than the fucking blue moon you jackass yeah as soon as i, they're seasonal. Idiot. Why don't you sell them fucking pantyhose with it, you 1940s rerun. You know what cures scurvy? Pirates. All right, let's quit while we're ahead. Yep.

And if you're listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast, you're about to hear the mattoid. And if you're listening to Near the Wild, like you should be, you're going to hear Turkey in the Straw. Two bits. Remember, if the bus is rocking, it's Doug Stan's. Hey, remember, The bus is rocking.

It's Doug's hands. Hey, remember, his inevitable first tweet will come at Houdini357. It's going to be a doozy. Hashtag doozy. It'll have something racist and a fucking cock pic going, how does this thing work? We're trying to figure out the one tweet that can get me banned for life in one tweet. It's like that one move in chess where you win and you're like, how did he do that? It's a secret. All right.

I got to go find beer that's not frozen or warm. Things to do. All right. Play the mattoid. Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time Laugh your laughs and eat your heats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time

Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go Party time Party time! Party time! Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey!

Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do