The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EPISODE #36: Comedians Glenn Wool and Barry Sobel

Episode Date: July 29, 2014

Stanhope's late night podcast with veteran comedians, Glenn Wool (@GlennWool) and Barry Sobel (@BarrySobel), discussing comedy starts, drugs and irritating sounds. Recorded during the summer leg of the Last Gasp Tour, 2014 in Sacramento, CA.This podcast sponsored by -Saxx Underpants - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/Sabra Hummus - http://sabra.com/products/category/HummusPlastic Jug Vodka - http://vodkabuzz.com/vodkas/popov/Cheesies - http://www.cheezies.com/index3.htmMcDonald'sNigel Lawrence - http://www.nigeljlawrence.com/If you have a story for Doug you can leave a message on the Burner Phone,[phone].Recorded June 18, 2014 at the Residence Inn in Sacramento, CA with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Glenn Wool (@GlennWool), Barry Sobel (@BarrySobel) and Greg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Greg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes. Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la thing I liked about you in the end. La, la, la. All right, now we're going to go back in time a little bit to Sacramento on that West Coast tour of the Last Gasp tour with Late at Night with Glenn Wool and Barry Sobel live from some hotel I smoked in. This is the Doug Stanhope surprise podcast in the middle of the night at the residence in with Barry Sobel and Glenn Wool. Glenn Wool, only one at the mic. Hello. Hello.

Bingo. You're cocktailing because Chaley just showed up. Take your time. It's a podcast. No one gives a fuck. It's a McDonald's food. Hey, wait. You said come on over to the party.

There's no surprise party here for me. It's a surprise podcast. I didn't know I was doing it until Chaley just came out and said, hey, the podcast gear is running. Just go over and talk into the mic. No, I'm such a pussy, though. I was worried when you were like, tomorrow we'll drink cocktails and watch the World Cup.

First of all, it's a podcast. Don't do what you did at the goddamn show and try to talk off mic to get more attention. Get the mic towards your face. You watch. It only sucks because in the green room, this is a pet peeve of mine.

I'll trash Barry Sobel for this in a second. Hopefully. I can't go out into the crowd and watch you guys. You guys, there's no one on my show that I don't want to watch. So I have to listen from the wings and you talked off mic so badly that I had to like lean

in towards the guy that wants to ask me for a fucking photograph in the middle of a show. Apparently it wasn't such a big deal because it was one of your bits. What? He said the first bit. No, the one, you did one bit that was similar.

Is that? All right, comics, call my burner phone at 520-366-1078. Is this not? You have a Breaking Bad burner phone? Yeah. Awesome. Just for the podcast. Yo, Mr. White.

Barry. Barry Sobel Comedy legend Have you seen the movie Punchline? You're weird Unless you're an old comic And it inspired you To get your own locker Yeah exactly

Horrible movie You were in Punchline right? I keep saying that Like what if I was wrong? Not only was I in it I was a consultant to the film. So why didn't you tell him about the lockers? I'll explain the whole thing, but I'm going to explain it in an Albert Brooks story. Hang on.

I want to ask the question first. Hang on. Go into that because you're going to carry this. I don't have a better thing than an Albert Brooks story. But I want to ask, it's an honest question. When you see a comic that's a peer doing something that you know another comic is doing, it's very awkward to go, do I tell them that there's another comic that that bit's kind of famous? I see this all the time now, but now we're of an age, you and I, Barry, where you go, no one even knows that fucking comic, much less that bit. So do you let it ride?

Well, I saw Jeff Ross, who's super famous. Yeah. Jeffrey Ross a few months ago in New York City. And he did a joke that I thought of as well. But I don't have anything. You know, my stuff is pretty abstract. It's like nothing nobody does. I thought of this one thing where I go,

you know how people text you? Yeah. But people actually call you on the phone now. Calling you on the phone is like the unwanted, like somebody knocks on your door. Right? I mean, this is the way I had that thought. Out of nowhere, he does it exactly word for word,

but I never said it. It was like in my notebook and the thing. So just to protect myself, I go, hey, you know, I do that. I was thinking of doing that. I am nothing. I'm sure somebody wrote it for him anyway. But I wrote it for myself. Do you think Jeff Ross can afford a fucking writer?

I think. I think. No. He doesn't have to. He does a roast a year. That's his joke. It is pretty awkward when people have a thing. If you saw a good friend do a bit where you know someone else has done a bit that's very well known, do you tell him?

Yeah, I think you do. But I think if you know in your heart that you wrote it, you can remember how you wrote it. You remember the things. No, I'm not talking about stealing material. I'm saying someone who did... You had the same idea that Jeff Ross had, and you're doing it, but you don't know that Jeff Ross

already has that out on a Comedy Central thing. It's always an awkward thing where you go, I know you didn't steal it, but I don't want to be a dick. But here's the whole thing. I saw your stuff tonight, and I was lucky enough to do the show with Here's the whole thing. I saw your stuff tonight and I was lucky enough to do the show with you and awkwardly enough, half the stuff you do,

I do that stuff. I didn't know what to say because I was so lucky to get the gig. It's such an honor to perform with him. Where have I been for years? I don't want to... Maybe he'll have me on more shows. If I bring it up... Organically, he just mentioned it right here.

The crazy people think... It's just lucky that you didn't do your good stuff tonight. See what you're saying? Where were you going? Is there a way to get a beer in the surprise? Yeah, he's getting it. Don't worry. Bingo and Chaley are...

I think I was... No, I was at... It used to be one of my best things I got to was... I was at a... It used to be one of my best things I got to do in life was be Jimmy Fallon's best friend. And once I think he took me to... I went to a million parties at Drew Barrymore's house. And out of nowhere... And then she became a friend.

It was the awesomest thing ever. And it was completely super A-list. You know, what's Barry Sobel doing here? Am I the only person out of nowhere this is now remember punchline came out in what 88 89 so anyway out of nowhere before i did comedy and i started in 90 so yeah no yeah it's 80 no one gives a fuck that listens to this podcast well here's the whole thing albert brooks al. Albert Brooks is there at the party. The party is definitely in the 2000s. 15, 20 years after

the movie. In the 2000s, the Albert Brooks... When did you do this? He dropped three names before he got to the point of the story. Well, the point of the story is... And only two of the names my audience wouldn't recognize. Drew Barrymore. Wait, Albert Brooks? They don't know Albert Brooks? No, not my audience. What? You saw my audience.

They're fucking 22-year-olds in Misfits t-shirts. Fair enough. Anyway, this guy named Albert Brooks who did a lot of movies. And they don't know the band. I just like the face. Go ahead. This man named Albert Brooks who did a lot of movies.

And he doesn't... He looks a bit like the Misfits logo now. Misfits? Misfits. Yes, that's why we're not doing it. No, the Misfits logo now. Misfits? Misfits. No, the Misfits logo was definitely directed off of a picture of Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks in the Misfits. You saw that logo.

They took it right from Albert Brooks. Anyway, the point of the story is... And that's what we're talking about plagiarism for. So it was super cool that anyone would talk to me at a Drew Barrymore. It was a gigantic party. This guy comes up to me and goes Barry Barry Sobel Barry Sobel

I go Albert Brooks I'm like I'm stunned and I'm nervous to talk to him he goes I go I go I'm the biggest Albert Brooks fan

you're like the coolest dude in the world and he goes you know what I always wanted to ask you something you did a movie with Tom Hanks this is about

I don't know what impression this is it's like an impression of Albert Brooks you did that movie with Tom Hanks right let don't know what impression this is. It's like an impression of Albert. You did that movie with Tom Hanks, right? Let me ask you something. You did that punchline thing. What's with the lockers? He's mad 20 years later.

He's Albert Brooks. He's carrying this around. I go, Albert, he goes, because you used to do stand-up comedy, Albert Brooks. I go, you know, they put the lockers in the clubs after you were a comedian. He goes, all right, nice. He goes, I burned them back. I had my words about it. But even Albert Brooks is mad.

Albert Brooks comes up to me like, that's my fault 15 years later. So, I mean, that's why he mentioned that people are mad about that. If you saw The Green Room with Paul Provenza, which was a show, you go, I can never be a regular on this. And it's the most fun I've had. You did that. You were on my episode. And Belzer was on. And he's like, I was talking about selling merch after the show. He goes, what's merch?

Merch. I go, it's that book that i read before i did stand-up comedy that you fucking put out i know uh and i didn't have the balls i read that fucking book i was selling hot tubs in a fucking mall and i read uh hey stop bragging sorry sorry i didn't even know it was a podcast i didn't come with any of my credits. Which mall, by the way? And by the way, can I get that job? Yeah, yeah.

It's open. How does this podcast work? I was selling hot tubs in a fucking mall knowing that I wanted to be a stand-up comic and there was a bookstore. Like, I wasn't even in a shop. I was in, like, the middle of the fucking fairway of the mall,

and all these old piss-panted people would just stroll by me all day. I was in my fucking chinos and a button-up shirt tucked into my pants. Man, would you like to buy... Would you sit in the condominium model? And I just kept buying books out of the fucking bookstore, reading them, returning them. And the one was Richard Bowden. Yeah, I can't remember the name. It was How to Be a Stand-Up Comic.

But I didn't realize at the time that it was tongue-in-cheek. Like it was... Snarky, yeah. Yeah, I was just like, none of this makes sense. Did you ever write a book, Barry? I'm about to write a book. Are you? I'm about to write a book about what's been going on for the last 20 or 30 years.

The last 20 or 30. Just with you or anything? Everything. I should pin it down. Good call That's going to be a long book No I am It was really crazy

But it's a whole long story I was on a thing called Benzodiazepine Yeah we talked about this Last night I ran into you After a show in Oakland Shit faced but I was at the merch booth And with one eye I I go, fucking Barry Sobel. What is merch?

Merch was what I dismissed to go talk to you. Thank you so much. And I remember saying, no, I want to talk about this when I'm sober. Come to Sacramento. And you did. But you have some weird Xanax thing. Well, we'll talk about that if we can do a separate little thing about that. Oh, yeah.

But let me just mention, though. We'll dismiss it. But the thing is... We'll go off topic no matter how committed you are anyway. I love that. But I also want to mention how, out of nowhere, I saw you years ago. It has to do with the same thing. I'm on a thing called benzodiazepine where I don't want to live every split second because

it wants... There's no way off of the thing called Xanax. I know you're on Xanax. After you take it for many, many years, the doctors don't tell you there's absolutely no way off. That's why I was calling bullshit last night and that's why I wanted to talk about it sober, which we're not. But that's to be continued. We'll talk about that at a different time. But I was in Texas where when you are somebody on drugs, you run out of people in your life. When you make the phone call, I don't want to live.

You're not taking the right drugs, by the way. There'll always be people. They just won't be the ones you want there. Those were the 80s drugs. When you take things that the psychologist gives you, a psychiatrist, and then like every day you're calling people, I don't want to live. How do I get off this drug? I don't want to live.

Eventually you run out of every single person who wants to hear that phone call because it's very tough to get the phone call. I don't want to live over and over. And so somewhere out of nowhere. That's nice. Nice. I estimate when you minimalize Car ID. That's nice. Nice. It's nice to me when you minimalize my tragedy. I like it.

I'm not minimalizing. But just out of nowhere, this old friend of mine goes, well – because he's like a trainer and he was about to get married. He goes, well, I'm going to be married in a few months, but you can come to my house in Austin because my fiancé left for a few months and I'll just try to, because I'm a trainer, I'll try to train you and try to get you athletically off this drug. And so I was living out of nowhere in Austin, Texas. And every second of every minute of every hour of every day is suicidal and horrible. So just let me just get the Doug Stanmore. No, I want to get, how much Xanax were you taking? It wasn't even that much.

No, I want to get how much Xanax were you taking? It wasn't even that much. At the time when I met you and I was trying to get off Xanax, a Xani bar is two milligrams. Yep. So I was, and this is on the bigger story, I was only on about one milligram trying to get off. But there's no way to step off of it. Oh, scary. I had gone to a thing called rehab, and to a thing called rehab and the girl came in she was 16 years old she was on

18 milligrams and so nobody respects you when you're on 1 milligram or 2 milligrams I actually used that as a barometer we knew a gal named Hags that would take 6 bars a day

and other drugs as well. I forget. Other pills as well and maintain. I would take – when I'd take a bar, it would be when I was flying from LAX to London to sleep for 14 hours. Exactly. You'd take a sleeper. 14 hours. Exactly.

So now, occasionally, I'll take a half or a one milligram maybe three times a week. But this has been since 95. Well, let me... Again, this is to be continued. So hopefully you'll give me the opportunity to tell my entire story on a very special episode of...

Wait, what's this podcast called? More people were at the show tonight than are tuning in. Wait, what's the title of? More people were at the show tonight than are tuning in. The Doug Stano Podcast. I didn't title it. That's like a TV show. And they got you to host it.

Which is a great... Oddly enough. That's typecasting. That's typecasting for this podcast. Tell me the rest of your drug story. You're in Austin. One of the many, many days. You're in Austin. One of the many, many days, I would literally,

and people say literally incorrectly, I literally did pay people every day to come over to the house where I was staying to get me out of bed by 2, 3, 4 in the afternoon because I didn't want to lay in bed because that was hell, and I didn't want to go out because that was hell because every second was too much mental anguish to just be in the afternoon because I didn't want to lay in bed because that was hell and I didn't want to go out because that was hell because every second was too much mental anguish to just be in the world.

But out of nowhere, I befriended a lot of young comedians and out of nowhere, they go, Doug Stanhope's in town this weekend at the place you play.

I play that place in San Marcos every Wednesday once a week trying to do stand-up comedy again because the only... This is like three years ago?

When was this? A couple years? I don't know. It was three to four years ago. And out of nowhere – So if somehow I got to on stage, if I was on stage for 10, 15 minutes, because of the adrenaline, that was the only time that the hell was not hell because I was doing stand-up and adrenaline was taking over.

So anyway, so next door to the place i play or actually in that building doug stanhope's going to be there on a saturday and all these comedy kids are like hey we're going to go see doug stanhope i know that guy maybe i'll go but then it's six or seven o'clock and i'm still not out of bed and it's another horror day so the point is i got there and i got out there and you didn't realize when you were talking to me that was just another day that was the worst day of my life. I was completely dead. I was dead but it was so nice because you've always been so nice to me. That's why you had so much in common with you. Every day for Doug. Have you seen the set tonight? Come on. Again with the minimalizing.

Come on. I'm not kidding. So anyway, that's where I started. How long did you do Xanax for that long? But if I tell you now, I won't be able to tell you on the very special Doug Stanhope Xanax edition of this. But the point is, crazily enough, I had nothing to do every single night. I was just like in that bed. And I would – so Doug Stanhope's in town, so I'd go see him. And it was the greatest night,

and it was like, it took me out of my thing for like hours. I do remember that night, which is odd for me. You had to say that if you think about it, I must have looked pretty weird,

like I was dead or something. Or if you think about it. We have pictures of it, like I look like a hundred times worse than this. I don't know if people can see me. I look great right now. I look fantastic. I look like what? 30-something. But that night, I looked like dead times worse than this. I don't know if people can see me. I look great right now. I look fantastic.

I look like what? 30-something. But that night I looked like dead by a million times. But the point was, ironically, out of nowhere, I was like – first of all, I was also mentally ill, if I can mention that, because a lot of comedians – You were? You grew out of it?

I was definitely mentally ill. I was definitely on Xanax. Listen to this. I was mentally ill and on Xanax. And then I go like – I'm going on the Google all night long. And I go, Artie Lang tries to kill himself. Artie Lang is mentally ill. Artie Lang's on drugs.

I go, who else is mentally ill? Who could possibly help me? Because no doctors could help me. No people. Nobody understands Xanax. Not one doctor on the planet Earth who prescribes Xanax understands it. Nobody understands it. They've never tried to get themselves off of it they get that pen with the holder why would they have to understand it so i see that i google this and go arty lang just tried to himself, stabbed himself 16 times in the stomach to try to, I go

wait, I gotta meet this guy, maybe he can help me so then a year or two later it's a very long story that I'd love to do on a very special, it's like Stan Hope podcast we're cutting to Glenn Wool because he has shit to say tonight oh snap I swear, that's not fair

so two years later I'm in New York City. I'm off drugs. I've been through rehab. Those are three things I've never been able to say. I'm just fucking around. I was trying to think of a joke. Don't try to think of a joke. I'm thinking of jokes

as for the stage and rooms. You can never say three years later. That's what I say. Don did I say? I'm thinking of jokes for the stage and rooms. You can never say three years later. That's what I said. Did I say three years later? Cut tooth. Anyway, I'm at the Comedy Cellar hanging out. I shouldn't say three years later. Not at this point.

Very nice. Go it. So I'm at the Comedy Cellar. I'm upstairs. And then Artie Lang just went on. And then he's upstairs. And I go, hey, man, I just want to say you did a really good. Barry Silver. Oh, my God. I'm the biggest to say you did a really good – Barry Sobel.

Oh, my God. I'm the biggest Barry Sobel fan in the world. I mean, oh, my God. It's such an honor. People throw the word honor around a lot. It's an honor to be on a show with Doug Stanhope. Not in my presence. Yeah, you threw that around a lot. But that's about it.

There's a lot of – when other people go like it's an honor that you come – on my Facebook, it would be an honor if you come to my show, the John Lovitz Comedy Club. That's not really an honor. Honor is like, I got to work with the greatest living comedian. That's bullshit. And then got tricked into a podcast, so I realize that it's not quite as an honor as it is a trick.

It was a trick on all of us, because that's my tour manager who made me do a podcast. Can I just mention it's an honor to meet him as well? Do you think I don't want to be eating the McDonald's that you brought up? It's an honor to get McDonald's in a place called Sacramento. It's an honor to be in Sacramento. Barry brought.

Anyway. So out of nowhere, Artie Lang goes, Barry, it's an honor. And I already remember that I was actually trying to meet him for two years in my head. And I actually meet him. And I go, hey, dude, I have a lot of things I want to talk to you about. I have a lot of similar problems. Let's go have lunch next week. He takes me out to lunch next week

and he tells me a story about... I knew he was bad off, but if he's going to lunch with Barry Sobel... Talk about stabbing yourself 16 times in the stomach to kill yourself. Can we go someplace with just a fork?

We've got a commercial. We'll be right back. Do you go to commercial? Do you actually have commercials? We'll go to commercial. We are sponsored by whoever you want to be sponsored by. Wow. Can we do McDonald's? I think he's just got to say it.

Well, sure. We'll be right back with a word from McDonald's. Don't do that. Andy hates crinkling bags. We both have phobias. I'm a wind and balloons. He can't. He just walked through the door.

Oh, wait. Don't crinkle bags. Before we go to commercial, the long story short is my life was saved by a very super famous friend of mine who had the money to put me in rehab and then has been taking care of me by texting me and emailing me for the last two, three years. Don't you say Johnny Depp because you'll step on my dick. I know. I don't want to step on your dick. But I did see that ad on Craigslist.

What? Can I do it? Go, go. Who was it? No, no. But then he was telling me a story about how Bruce Springsteen called him on the phone. Bruce, Artie, this is Bruce. How you doing? So he told me this story, and then

he was like, I gotta help you write this book because your life's a book. And so that's how that was answering your question from 45 minutes ago. Are you writing a book? All right. That segment was brought to you by McDonald's. But you can crinkle because the McDonald's is bad. No, Andy Andrist has a

phobia about balloon. I have balloon phobia. He has crinkling. It's not phobia. It's irritation. He goes crazy. I know, but he's not. I have developed.

Filing nails for me. Anytime anybody files, they're fucking, and they'll do it anywhere because they don't seem to know that I've got the hearing of a fucking dog. But just on a train. Mouth sounds make me, I look at people, bingo, choose Nicorette gum. And it's like NPR radio. And I want to punch her fucking jaw. Just that slight smacking sound. My brother has a whistling nostril.

You try to fucking eat a whistling nostril. Oh! You try to fucking eat a bowl of bran flakes. Eee! I'm sorry. Eee! I thought that was the town in Canada you were born in. We gotta go commercial. We'll be right back from our sponsor. You know who my brother is?

Greg Wool, who was supposed to take the stage this evening. Long story short, too late. We'll be back. Let's worry for McDonald's. Loving it. And he's not here. No, you put the G on it.

They're targeting McDonald's at the Negro population, so they take the G off. Loving it. Loving it. No, you've got to be loving it. Because they want black people dead. Ergo my joke that I was at the McDonald's and I go, got the Big Mac meal.

She goes, what happened? What happened was I asked for the Big Mac meal and you turned into a Puerto Rican girl. I've never heard. You did that bit tonight. I've never heard anyone say that except for my tour manager's girlfriend. What happened? What happened? What happened?

But in the anonymous type of way. What do you call those? Memes. What happened? The internet memes. I've never heard anyone say that in a fast food place. My jokes are not real. I know I heard it.

No, they're not real, I'm saying. I like abstract. Nice. Wait, oh, so nice. Is it nice? Are we back from commercial? You don't really have a commercial? You just plugged McDonald's.

You put the commercial. Oh, my God. And I just plugged they're trying to kill black people. We're back from commercial. I walked into a Burger King in London once and I ordered like a chocolate milkshake or something weird.

And she just went, ain't got none. And I was like, wow, you got every one wrong. Every word in that sentence. Ain't it? Ain't got one, ain't it? Ain't got none. Ain't got none, ain't it? Ain't it? Ain't got none, ain't it? I'm having a podcast, ain't it? Ain't it? Ain't got one, isn't it? Ain't got none, isn't it?

Ain't got none, isn't it? I'm on a podcast, isn't it? Isn't it? But here's what I wanted to say earlier about... About that story I was doing? No, there's a thing in stand-up that we all forget about when we go to rehab or we do things of that nature. And it's something that's happening more with the British guys or the international guys. It's not drugs.

It's full adrenal burnout. Adrenal gland burnout. And there's a lot of dudes that they're not fucking coking or drinking too much or anything. What is that? Just the adrenaline. Too many shows. And there's dudes that have, like, they've got to take a year off just because the doctor's like, yeah, like, fuck, and then maybe you won't be crazy.

All right. This deals with you, Barry. But I'm terrified. When I quit smoking, the only way I could do it was take six weeks off and not be around people or cigarettes. If I can be at a place where I can't get cigarettes, I can quit smoking easily. And it's not even a problem. It's when I have to socialize. And sometimes I think, let me take a fucking year off

but barry you fucking quit you had to go through rehab barry well known from those days and you had a career up until at least as far as your act you took some time off, and now... Well, I retired before I was on the Xanax. Is that what happened? Wait, wait. No, no, no. I retired first. I'm not making a joke. No, but I have to tell you what happened.

I have to tell you what happened. The adrenaline. It wasn't the adrenaline. That was... You said it was adrenal? No, no. We're asking, did you get to... You retired.

Fuck Xanax. You retired... First, before the Xanax came up. Did you get to a point where you go, there's no more thrill in killing? Well, here's the thing. So you, I was going to see if I could do a podcast. I have like a million questions to ask you because you're the quintessential stand-up comedian. I was going to ask you this question leading to what happened to me.

And that question being, do you like, right now we did a show tonight in Sacramento. It was awesome people lined up they love you they're taking pictures you were signing some guy's butt I can't believe

the amount of love I mean I do believe it because that's why it's an honor to perform with you you're like the greatest comedian there is

that's still alive it was kind of funny because I signed the guy's butt he's like would you sign my ass I'm like yeah and I made him

pull his pants down real quick I wanted your signature on my ass and I missed the picture he's trying I made him pull his pants down real quick. Doug, I wanted your signature on my ass. And I missed the picture of you guys. No, he's trying to take a picture. I go, just come any night. That's any night.

Some dude wants you to sign his ass. So my question is, when you did that tonight, and every night you do this, and you have this life, and it seems fantastic, is this enough for you to just be a great stand-up comedian? Or did you always want something else? No. You wanted to be a comedian. I want less than this. I want a bartend. Becker bartends.

You know Matt Becker. I know, man. So him and Andy are the two funniest people I've ever met in my life, just being people. And he bartends, and no one looks to him for new material. He's just spontaneously funny, and that seems so more fulfilling than doing this for, and there's people lined up,

and they couldn't get in the show. But having said that, all the people who are listening, who are your fans, are going, wait a minute, I just want to be Doug Stanhope. I just want to have that life.

I would say this. The people that love Matt, love him more than they love any tertiary relationship you may have with your fans. Matt's friends

absolutely need him. Right. I don't really have friends anymore yeah that's I'm not saying that you know what I'm saying you know more than us the longer you do comedy the more people you meet that you love

like Glenn Wool who I haven't talked to in a fucking year and a half and you we're in the trenches on the road you make really good friends really quick and the but you still don't actually have friends and you can see dying alone

I know Matt's never gonna die alone he's got fucking I don't know can you tell me who he's a friend of mine that's a funny guy that we started out doing comedy. What city does he live now in the bar? Anchorage.

Anchorage. He's out in the fucking... But the point is he has a real life. He has a real life. The point is he's funny and have a real life. I have to beg the question. He's got three dogs that jump on your lap every time you go there. He's making a helicopter in his back.

He's always doing something that you would go... Humans don't do that. He doesn't have to go out to get laughs. He has a real life as a funny person. I have to beg the question that all your listeners probably want to ask, and that is, why don't you just stop and be a bartender then?

Because I make way more money. So you're a money whore? You're a guy, of course. Yes, there is. You still want them. Okay, so they might want to get back to me and explain what happened to me because it's the opposite of you. So you've always wanted to clarify from the beginning you've always wanted to be

a stand-up comedian? Let me preface this with I don't make a lot of money compared. I'm not like I don't have star money. But you gave me $2,500 for just that five-minute guest set. What did you get? He gave me $2,500 for that guest set.

I think I get the beer free. I'm not sure. Actually, there's an honor jar. It's an honor just to be getting $2,500. I stole that from Chaley. He said that the other day. But did you always from the get-go, because this is different.

I had a different story. I want to be a stand-up comedian. First of all, I don't remember a lot of my early life, including. But yeah, no, I did it. Like you do karaoke. And I was amazed when I got a paid gig. And then when I could do it for a living. And those were the best days.

But once you establish where you go, oh, I'm making this much money, it would be stupid to not go out and do this when I live next door to a guy that's on disability. And I can buy him a fucking nice thing if I go out and just yell at people for an hour yeah but it's the first laugh too I mean you gotta remember that part the first time you got the laugh I do but I don't feel that anymore

the adrenal thing let's get back to you and the adrenal thing I don't feel that people laugh all night that doesn't affect me at all. Bad shows do. They still hurt worse. Good shows.

But that's the connection right there because you're not getting the laugh. The hurt is more painful. The laugh. It resonates more. It's something that's. Once you've killed at such an extent and you get your standing O, another standing O is, well, I already got this. It's something that's... Once you've killed at such an extent and you get your standing O, another standing O is, well, I already got this.

It's like sex. It's like sex. I've fucked you in every hole. I put my balls in a clamp. Yeah, but you're used to good coke, but you notice when it's bar coke. Yeah, but when you can't get it up, it's more depressing every time. That actually segues into me tonight opening for you.

I loved every split second I was on stage because I wasn't positive I could do that tonight. So since I didn't know it because it was a big deal for me to do this and this because I'm trying to come back and do this again. Nor was there any pressure on you. No, but it was for myself. I was like, wait, if I because I emailed you yesterday, can I do a set? But I'm always think I'm just doing that thinking, of course, the person is going to say no. So there's no pressure. Wait, he said yes out of nowhere.

Now I actually have to come here and do this. No, I didn't. Bomb. First of all, this is important. You emailed me on my Facebook page, which I almost never check unless I'm bored. So while I was watching World Cup, I was bored and watched. All I'm trying to think up is. I had a sense.

And I checked Facebook, but I had already told. So we know the rest of that. I don't know where at the store clip you said you want to do a set tomorrow. You said you want to do a set tomorrow. There was like four Facebook things from you from San Marcos days that I read all at once because Facebook piles up. There's four things from Barry Sobel. And one of them was, hey, if I can come do a guest set, and that's why Andy. But to clarify, though, when I saw you yesterday at the store club, I just went there to say hello because I couldn't have to do a show. And then I got there late.

And the very first thing I said, you know, I might go to Sacramento to see you. You went, all right, he'll do five. You just said, I'll do five. And then you said you read the Facebook the next day. So you just offered me to do it before you actually read the request. So it was super nice of you. So wait, when you said there's no pressure on me are you kidding i was like i only told one or two people it's like the biggest deal you don't understand you're so

revered in stand-up comedy every single person i did a show with this guy trevor hill you wait wait i did a show with this guy trevor hill and two nights ago he did a show with you saying and he's great he's the greatest and he goes my life's not going to be as great the next day i just did this i went i went what the fuck why Why can't I open for Doug Stanhope? Why can't I have a fun night like that? Why can't I be a Trevor? Why can't I go backwards? You've been in major motion pictures.

You met Sally Field. How dare you? So I put the wheels in motion and I got to do it. Don't you disrespect Tom Hanks like that. But there were times with the locker. But there was tons of pressure on me. If I would have bombed in front of Doug Stanhope, I would never have Hanks like that. But there were times with the locker. But there was tons of pressure on me. Like if I would have bombed in front of Doug Stanley, I would never have rebounded from that.

But instead, so that's what I'm saying. Every split second on that stage, because I hope you think I did a good job. Yeah, it was fantastic. I'm sorry. You're the person who came right as we crossed the stage. You went, you did a great job. Doug still didn't mention if he liked it at all. By the way, Barry Sobel got introduced by Keith Lowell.

We tag-teamed. We don't have an emcee. So the first guy who was very funny, Keith Lowell Jensen, brings him up as Barry Sobel's. Because there's more than one of me when you see what I do. I'm on so many levels. Listen to – I'm on so many levels. He's a little guy.

And then Barry Sobel Introduces Glenn Wool As Greg Wool My brother Which happens to be His brother's name Because I thought His brother was gonna do a show I told him this

He said Don't bring me up My brother's here He was back With the other Barry Sobels And none of them Wanted to take the stage

We gotta go commercial We'll be back with More from McDonald's Loving it Loving it Like you're at McDonald's What happened? Last night I was introduced by the

MC as Doug Stanfield. And he did exactly what Barry Sobel is doing. So what happened? So I ran up because the crowd

oohed him when he said, Doug Stanfield, everyone's here for Doug Stanfield. And I went out and I go, I heard that. And then when he came off, I tried to make light of it, and he did what you're doing but not as funny. I didn't do that, man. No, the crowd was fucked up. I'm not fucked up.

But he's all like hip-hoppy. He's a douche. So here's what happened. In the early 80s, see, I was always going to be, if I was going to be anything in life, I was going to be a cameraman because when I was a little kid, we would skip out of school to go to NBC studios and watch the Who, What, and Where game with Bill Cullen. Anything they would let us into, I would go. And then I was always – it was always super cold. Where did you grow up? Brooklyn.

We hopped on the train to go to Manhattan when I was 13, because that's, you know, when you're in New York City, you're an adult at 12, 13. So I always loved NBC Studios, so I thought, the most I thought to myself was maybe I could be like a cameraman. And then my uncle, may he rest in peace, had horses in Monticello Raceway, the kind on

Sulkies. So he took me in his lap, and I always wanted to be... Sulkies? Was that the carriage thing? Yeah, the carriage kind of thing. I always wanted to be... So I was going to be a harness race driver, if anything. And out of nowhere, just to escape from New York City when I was 16, I moved to San Francisco because I had relatives. And in

the week two or three, I started doing improv and I started doing stand-up. So I never was going to be a stand-up comedian and then I proved it. But then, so then the following a year or two later I don't even have an act and I was in the finals of the San Francisco Comedy Competition

on Showtime and I was fourth. What year? I don't remember the year but I can tell you the year of the following thing. The following thing I can tell you the year of and that's the late Bill Graham out of nowhere took a liking to me he was doing this thing called the Us Festival. Really? And this was like it was going to be another Woodstock.

This was in the 80s. Oh, I know. He comes up and he goes, I want it to be like the biggest thing in the world. I want to have jugglers. I want to have musicians. I want to have every kind of act. So he hires Gallagher to go on there Friday. He didn't want to have comedians.

He hires Gallagher, who's very big, Gallagher. He hires Robin Williams for Sunday. And out of nowhere, he hires me for Saturday. I don't even have an act. I don't even have 10 minutes. And I'm going to be in front of a quarter of a million people. Just to put it in perspective, that's three giant stadiums that I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy in front of. I don't even have an act.

I was opening up my show then with egg cartons, putting them in front of my ass because I was a very big Robin Williams fan. So I didn't even know what acid was. So the egg cartons, I put them in front of my face and go, oh, ladies and gentlemen, it's flies on acid because I was influenced by Robin Williams.

Ooh, ooh, something else. So I didn't even have an act. You should have used that tonight. I mean, if I would have just done that, it would have been. So I don't know. By the way, this whole story is how I never wanted to be a stand-up comedian, and this is the opposite. How many years now?

82. Well, that's fucking 32 years. So 83, I'm in front of a quarter million people. So do you want to hear anything about the US Festival story? I could give you that story in less than a minute. I didn't want to bomb. Yeah? Yeah, no, go I didn't want to bomb. Yeah? Yeah, no, go ahead. You want to hear this?

Who hired you? Bill Graham, the late Bill Graham. But wasn't it Steve Wozniak the one who put on... But Bill Graham was the person who decided who was going to be on it. Yeah, that thing was going to be huge. The clash reunion was that day. I went on after Eddie Money and

before Santana Which kind of spoils the punchline This was supposed to be I think he lost millions He wanted to make the biggest concert And it was in Glen Ellen No it was San Bernardino San Bernardino

So if you want to sit in The detail from it was This was the hugest Concert and this guy lost his ass yeah but here's the whole thing so the the point about it he knows the actual event so he's like i want in no no please that's great this whole story was i this was one of 20 things that happened to me in a row where i should have never had anything to do with this and yet so i all i wanted to do is i was just a kid i think i was 20 19 21 i just

didn't want to bomb because it would have scarred me for life in front of a quarter of a million people so i go to see this is a little i don't know how long you want to make this i went to see robin williams on friday at the holy city zoo this place to tell him because i knew he was going to do it you know like if you get a gig you want to tell the other person you got the gig too so i went hey robin i just want to ask your advice like i'm gonna play the the thing what do you think i should do oh you'll oh you'll do fine you'll you'll be fantastic and he's like he didn't give me any advice at all so so i get there and uh i i had a plan on how to not bomb and here's what happened i brought my friend chuck prophet who's famous now as a musician he had blonde hair but he dyed his hair black. The Rolling Stones were touring back then, and I had a

Rolling Stones bit. I dressed in a Clash t-shirt, but an orange tank top underneath and football pants, so as I looked like Mick Jagger at the beginning of that tour when he just started to start me up. He would come out in that exact outfit, but I had a Clash t-shirt on because the Clash were on that day.

The only band that matters. So, I get to the place. In my story that, this is something I'm rewriting to put in that book that Artie Lang is helping me do, the book. I believe I was helicoptered in because I don't know how we got there. I can't remember this in my life

because I remember at the end of this glorious story, we helicopter out, but I don't think I've ever been on a helicopter. So I don't know how I got there or back. Just follow me on this. I believe you. I get there. That'd don't know how I got there or back. Just follow me on this. I believe you. I get there. That'd be the weird thing to bring you up on.

Quarter of a million, I believe, helicopters. Come on, Barry. Jesus Christ. So I get there, and the very first thing is I see the great Bill Graham. Now, for the people of Doug's fans out there who don't know who Bill Graham is, Bill Graham is superstar Billy Graham, the wrestler Doug's fans out there who don't know who Bill Graham is, Bill Graham is my superstar Billy Graham, the wrestler. Who I have in my death pool last

year. He's the guy who brought us Janis Joplin. Jimmy, no, no, not for you. For the people who don't know who Albert Brooks is, he gave us the entire 60s pop star. If you have an iconic poster of a concert from 1973.

Or 60s on. He brought us everyone to San Francisco. Jimi Hendrix. He brought the Rolling Stones around. Don't delay this story anymore. He didn't do all. Well, he did do all the money. The Bill Graham.

The Bill Graham comes up to me. Distance himself. I get there. I get ushered right over to Bill Graham. And he goes, don't do what Gallagher did last night. I go, what do you do? That's good advice. What do you do? He goes, to this day.

You know what? If you're just going to make funny jokes about my story, if you're going to make, no, wait a second. What is this, a podcast? If you're going to make jokes about my jokes. Sorry, this is the World Service Podcast. We will go. So he goes, don't do it, Gallagher.

People can't see what I'm saying. Clammy handshake. Wet handshake. He goes, Gallagher tried to be. So when you're on that stage, as far as your eyes can see, you were people to the horizon, to mountains miles away. He goes, Gallagher tried to be that big. Don't be that big.

And he said, the greatest advice ever, Bill Graham, if you're ever in a gigantic stadium's worth of comedy show. He goes, just say it here. And he pointed to the mic and it'll go out there. So he told me how to do it. Just say your jokes calmly into the mic and it'll go thousands of miles. Don't try to be Gallagher. Try to be as big as the space. The fuck did he try to do to that watermelon?

You know what? I got watermelon? You know what? I got it. You know what? I got it. Come on. I got it. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Greg, Glenn, Gary. So how did they go, Barry? So here's the thing, Doug. You don't want to tell a guy like that how to introduce you. But I wanted to make sure he said I was going to be a comedian because there was no other comedian on the whole day. So I wanted to make sure Bill Graham told the audience this was going to be comedy.

So they go, hey, you want me to tell you what to say about me? No, I got it. Because you don't tell Bill Graham, who's introduced the most famous people in the world ever. So instead of him doing what I wanted him to do, which is say I'm a comedian, Eddie Money, two tickets to paradise and he's famous then by the way this was not from the geico commercial this is actually when he did this song a quarter million people applied and then bill graham goes out there and he goes all right ladies and gentlemen coming up right now you could see him thinking as he's saying

a friend of ours very simple a friend of ours. Very simple. A friend of ours. He doesn't tell him I'm doing stand-up comedy. So I go out there. I'm doing like five or six minutes of jokes. Everything's okay. As far as I'm asking, it works. Everything's going well. And I don't know.

When you play a club like tonight, there was a guy. Everyone was laughing at my stuff except for one guy in the front who had a mustache. And all I could see is the guy with the mustache not laughing. Sometimes you pinpoint the one person. So there's a quarter million people. Sometimes. Every comic, every time. Go ahead.

So there's a quarter million people liking it or just enduring it. But there was this one guy right in the front going, fuck you. Die. Literally. Fuck you. Die. Screaming at me. And I could just tell.

All I had to do was ten minutes and survive. What's that show at Edinburgh? Late in Life? Late in Life. Yeah. Yeah, I did that. I could tell it was just about, screaming at me. And I could just tell. All I had to do was 10 minutes and survive. What's that show at Edinburgh? Late in Life? Late in Life. Yeah. Yeah, I did that. I could tell it was just about to turn on me. You could just feel a quarter of a million people.

And so then I went, what's next at McDonald's? Mick Jagger? And my friend, Chuck Proffitt, comes from around a pillar with it plugged in, ready to go. He starts the first chords of Start Me Up. And I could see a quarter of a million people's heads just look up like, what? That whole time that was Mick Jagger, and he was telling jokes? Because there weren't

screens. There weren't even screens back then. So you couldn't see me on the screen. So as far as you could see to a mountain, you might have thought that it was Mick Jagger. And I had the exact same outfit on, right? So I did it. I did my hilarious parody like eat me up. Don't make a grown man. I can't compete. Burger

King says 20% more meat. That's how much I should have done this show. And I got out of there. I helicoptered out of there. So it turns out, I guess... As far as you know, helicoptered. So it turns out that maybe you don't tell Bill. Maybe he knew what to do by not saying I was a comedian,

by not letting them know that these are going to be jokes. No, he was a douchebag promoter that fucking thought he knew everything. We've got to go back to McDonald's. We'll be right back with another. You're telling me that Bill Graham was not a seasoned comedy emcee. Hey, this is my friend Glenn Wool, also known as Word and Edgewise. So wait, so Mr. Wool, the only reason I brought that story up was to mention that

the following 10 years, I did so many things. I thought it was going to segue into you talking. And he goes, you know, by the way, we got another 10 years to go before that happens. So the next year, I do this other concert.

So the point is I did all these things where I was like the only white guy on an all black HBO special with Chris Rock, Arsenio Hall, Eddie Murphy produced this. I did 10 years of stuff, but I also started doing movies and TV shows. And like I was picked to be the guy that Tom Hanks, they wanted his character to be like me in the locker movie

about the locker dancers. And then Albert Brooks and you started. And then I did all these things I should have never done. I was on Punchline and Revenge of the Nerds. I was on Johnny Carson. I did a whole thing with

I was on the show many times. I'm going to segue from you because otherwise we never will. The point of the whole thing is once the movies and the whole thing the whole point of the whole thing is i never i never once once the movies and tv shows started you know that's what that was like fifteen twenty thousand dollars a week or like you'd mentioned something in an article i saw you know here's your fifty thousand here's your hundred thousand so it's like i actually turned down like you can get ten thousand dollars you want to go to uh florida in three months ago

i don't know if i want to go to florida for ten thousand i was literally the opposite of you i go i'm already on this tv show i'm this movie why do i want to do stand up in three months. I go, I don't know if I want to go to Florida for $10,000. I was literally the opposite of you. I go, I'm already on this TV show. I'm on this movie. Why do I want to do stand-up? You can see where this is going, right? No, first of all, I don't make that kind of money. I don't turn down $10,000. I'm a money whore in that I think that I don't have health insurance

and my health is poor and will get poorer. So yes, I think I better get all the money I can while I have opportunities to get work. So I'm just the opposite. When I said I'm a money whore, I mean, at some point it runs out. No, but it's smart. So that's the thing is

when all these movies and TV shows are happening, I was on a show called 227 for two years and i was again the white guy and a thing but i like when they were thinking about the next year of 227 i really didn't enjoy myself that much in the project because i always wanted to be on like a funnier show i heard that maybe in the man show you wanted to be funnier you know tv tv you don't really get to do it they hire you i only did it once then i've moved to a small town in arizona going okay tv's bullshit i don't really get to do it. They hire you to be funny. I only did it once. Then I moved to a small town in Arizona going, okay, TV is bullshit. I don't want any part. So I was thinking, you know, I wasn't even sure.

I wasn't even sure which way to route, like if it should be picked up for the next season, even though I would have made a half a million dollars the next season. It's just an ancillary eighth character. That's how much money and things. So I was like, I'll do something else. But after that show in the 90s, there weren't – I'll do something else. But after that show, in the 90s, there weren't... I actually did something every year, but there was no internet.

Is this the key to the success? This is the key to my unsuccessful story was I did something like I started a movie. Maybe there would have been if Mike hadn't lost all his money on your big concert. If the guy would have just introduced me correctly, I think is the reason I wasn't famous.

I'm going to stop you because otherwise it's going to be your Wikipedia page. Which has to be corrected. Somebody beat me to that page. So we'll just point the whole thing? I'm going back to Punchline. Because I never wanted to be a comedian. I'm going back to Punchline. Punchline, if you haven't seen the movie, don't.

But as a stand-up comic... I have to disagree. Come on. Can I stand up for my movie? It's a great, fun movie. Tom Hanks said this is where he learned how to act. I don't hate debutantes. I'm asking you... Tom Hanks, I don't hate debutantes! I'm asking you both.

Glenn Wool is the other guy here. It's not Greg Wolfe? Is there... Is there any comedy movie that is representative of actual stand-up comedy? Any comedy about stand-up. The Adam Sandler one I thought was kind of for the coasts, L.A. and New York. There's never been a road comedy movie made that's represented.

Well, Henry's. Yeah, but that was... He was a folky singer kind of guy. But can I mention this? This also answers the question why I didn't tell him not to put the locker in the thing. It was because Doug and your audience,

it wasn't a documentary about stand-up comedy. Have you ever seen a movie made a fictional movie? Don't segue back. What about the Seinfeld movie? Also, I didn't like that much. No, here's my problem. That's a documentary. I'm talking about... Even the Seinfeld documentary where the whole basis of it was

he's gonna write a new hour and all the European comics were like, yeah, like you do every year. Yeah, if you work. Yeah. Oh, wow. How did he pull that off?

Have you done comedy in the UK? I did it a few years ago at the Queen's Theatre with Larry Miller and Carol Leifer. But you've never hung out with UK comics. You know the Edinburgh Festival. No, but I was there last year and terrifically bombed in one place in England. It's easy to do. But what they do at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival is every year, the fucking comics.

This is so ripe for a Union Che Guevara takeover of Fuck You Edinburgh Festival. They sculpt and act. You tell me. For just the festival? With a title and a through line. They make a play out of comedy It fucking makes me crazy But they're kind of forced to do that

Or they think they are Well, see It's kind of shitty But it gives you the muscle memory To write a new hour every year Where if you look at what's wrong With a lot of stand-up Is it's a lot of people

resting on the laurels and not writing new stuff that's a good thing the same way I feel about competitions where hey you know if this makes me whittle down seven minutes not now but when I started out when I do

competitions I think you should still do competitions that I think you should still do competitions. That would be fucking wonderful. If you just walk in. Go in as a ringer? Yeah. But can I also mention. Hi, I'm Stan Dughope.

I know I get it a lot, but I'm not him. Here's the new stuff. Since you mentioned there was no really great stand-up comedy movie, and of course there hasn't been one. So let's end that. There hasn't been one. So let's end that. There hasn't been one. Is there any possible way you would think of doing a movie about yourself on the road since you're the quintessential comedian? There could be anyone else better. I would if I could act, but I can't.

Why act like you? And I can't write a screenplay. I don't have that. Why can't it just be this? Why can't it be more of a documentary? Because everyone just wants to see how it's done. Everyone should see that we're in this room, that you're putting out your cigarette in my McFlurry next to the beer. No, I never did.

It would have been good, though. I would have put that on the scene. But I don't do what comics do, so I would be an anomaly to stand-up comedy where you go, oh, that's how comedy works? No, not really. Not really. Do we have a fucking...

I mean, look around you. You have Andy Andrus sleeping in a bed with my wife, my fucking tour managers upstairs in a residence in Loft opening the windows so we don't get charged $250 for smoking because we're smoking. But here's the deal. I don't want to see a stand-up movie about your life. I want to see a stand-up movie about Andy's

life. They're making it. Paul Provenza is making it. Evidently, Paul Provenza, you've been called out on the mat and I trashed you on stage with Dan Dion. Anyway, you had to be there.

You know what I mean, though? And I think that's the question. I mean, that's what it has to be. It can't be about successful comics or comics who are about to be incredibly successful. And not that Andy's not successful, but that would be the real movie about stand-up comedy. Well, they did the unbookables without me having any involvement,

and it was a piece-of-shit documentary because it made no sense. It was not indicative of anything other than a forced documentary and forced contrived reality show type of situations without even a good producer to make it seem like, yeah. Well, I wonder why that didn't work. James Inman was at the helm

it's like if Windy City Heat was made with fucking what's his name the mark as the Ashton Kutcher yeah the mark is punking you well now we've got a title The mark is punking you.

Well, now we've got a title. All right. I have no idea where this went. I think we did a podcast, except for the Glenn Wool part. Yeah, well, that's all right. You can edit it out. Yeah, we'll edit Glenn Wool completely out. I don't think you'll have to.

We were at someplace. See, look at this picture that I just put on Instagram. Does that not look like what happens after a stand-up comedy show? You're the quick. No, that looks like what happens after 24 years of stand-up comedy is my seahorse posture slumped over a table drinking and going fuck it 250 dollars that's fuck you money to me i'll smoke in the room do you know do you know that seahorse is mate for life and they hold their little tails together when they travel that was a brilliant fucking bit tonight the swans thing, thank you. I never saw that coming.

And I thought this is like, because I did a penguins mate for life thing and then I heard Greg Giraldo had done pretty much a similar bit on a CD and back to you when you said plagiarism. I was not talking about

plagiarism. I was talking about plagiarism I was talking about similar concepts he did one and I kind of have the same thing when I listen to comics I like I just cringe going oh don't I see where you're going please don't go the way I went I got to an age where

I don't even I think I've built enough respect that if I did someone else's bit they'd go he must have not heard it I don't even care anymore like it's just if I know

yeah and more with jokes it's when somebody I know isn't capable of thinking that way, then I go, and if the words are too close, you're like, okay, no, that's a rip. Anything else? I only told you tonight because if someone tweets it tomorrow, oh, that guy did his bit.

Fucking Andy gets his shit all the time. Oh, your opening act was trying to be like you. I go, no, I'm trying to be like Andy. We've been friends for fucking 20 years. I'm trying to be like him because he's actually legitimately funny where I have to write shit down. Yeah, man. I was just saying with Becker, too.

Just like with Andy. He's got more people in his life who actually give a shit about him. Becker andy have been bigger influences on me than any you always say oh who's your influences well richard pryor and yeah oh no i actually know that i just heard them first but i'm influenced by my friends you know how many people i pissed off in interviews like uh who's your my uncle your uncle's a comedian? No, he's not a fucking comedian. He sells tools. He sells fucking tools.

Pepper Roach, who's Freddie Roach's brother, who's a fighter. Freddie Roach, the boxing trainer. We did fraud telemarketing together. His brother Pepper was a funny fucking guy in telemarketing. I thought you said Papa Roach.

No. They're hilarious, though. Come on. They were hilarious. You fucking sold. They were one of my only influences. You did telemarketing with Pepper? Freddie Roach's brother.

Freddie Roach ran another telemarketing room across town in Vegas, and Pepper Roach was in my. This was his line on the phone. And he'd stand up and he'd drop his pants when he said it. I'm going to tell you what I tell my Sunday school class. Have faith and believe. Because you have... And he'd be standing with his pants down.

And we're all trying to not laugh on the phone. Yeah. It's Freddie Roach's brother They're both boxers from Boston They're fucking great That's awesome That's your fucking comedy movie right there I don't remember my life

You're not influenced by anyone That was a stand-up comedian or are you? Well I was Andrew Dice Clay was the reason i got into comedy because when i was doing telemarketing in vegas i would quote his when he just became big i would walk around doing his bits yeah he's got a good personality but so does my cousin joey i don't want him to blow me whatever i but my boss did had a cover band and he asked me to uh open for him doing i go that's not my material that's andrew des clays's new comic no i didn't i knew he goes

i don't care and i but i knew even then it's wrong to do but the fact that i could get a gig by being funny made me sit down and start writing shit. What year was that? 1990. Were you influenced by anyone who was a comedian? I was Robert Klein and then Robin Williams, Martin Moe. When I was 12 years old, my parents took me to a Bill Cosby concert in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. We always used to listen to Bill Cosby concert in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, and we always used to listen to Bill Cosby albums.

My first concert ever, I took my mother, not music, but yeah, Bill Cosby. I brought her to Mother's Day to Bill Cosby in Worcester, and she paid for it. Can I give you a third Bill Cosby, and then that comedy competition I told you I was in? Let's not ever let him talk. Let's just let him set us up. Bill Cosby, funny you mention it.

Here's 45 minutes of us talking about Bill Cosby. I thought you needed people to talk in the podcast. Go ahead. Go ahead. It's still not understood why Bill Cosby goes to Saskatoon as much as he does. He's a money whore. No. How do I know?

Some have said that it's because he went up there in the 60s and there wasn't racism. And they're all farmers, too. They're fucking hillbillies and rednecks. But they were just like. Black people were like midgets. They loved them. I've never seen one. I want to hold him.

Jesus Christ. Bill's his name. Okay, well, come on in. We'll fucking talk to this guy. Oh, he's got some stories to tell. Okay, sit on the thing. And oh, tell you, he's not too bad either, right? And then the other theory is that he had a mistress up there,

which, whichever way you want to go with it, but he went to Saskatoon, and he was already the family's favorite comedian, and we were just fucking amazed that Bill Cosby would be up there, and they took us to the concert. Before that, I wanted to be...

I know, I won't eat on a... We talked about this earlier. Mouth noises are my biggest pet peeve so I will not eat that fucking cheeseburger I'm so starving for into a microphone. Well, then, you don't mind if I eat it? I'm sorry. We were still talking about Bill Cosby for 10 seconds.

Because the cheeseburger and the microphone. Yeah, and it was at that point I decided I wanted to be a stand-up comic because before that I'd wanted to be a professional wrestler or a priest. And stand-up comedy combines the two. And you're not bullshitting. No, it's true. And it fucking worked. And even at that point, when I decided I wanted to be a comedian,

I made the deal. I sort of sized it up and went, okay, don't do impressions and don't do catchphrases. Anything you want to say that's funny, make sure it's out of your own head. And for many years, people thought it was quite strange. Hang on. When you say don't do impressions or catchphrases, can you do Chris Rock doing like? Doing what?

Doing nice and. Nice. Is it nice? It must be nice. You did impressions of catchphrases. Is it nice? Wait for it. And he's played to a quarter of catchphrases. Isn't it nice? And he's played to a quarter of a million people, and I drove for 19 hours to do 10 minutes on your show tonight.

Well, the good thing is you got to do an additional four minutes on an hour and 15-minute podcast. I'm really sorry about hogging the time. I've never been on a podcast. I've never been on a podcast before. You look so young for saying something like that. I've been on a few. I've been on two or three.

I usually shy away from doing a podcast. It was a pleasure to have you both. Because it's not usually a guy like you. I was like, oh, my God, Doug Stano was on the podcast. It's usually like some guy does not have an act. Some guy does not have an act, but he's famous on his podcast, and now he goes and tours places, but he wasn't funny, but he's funny from his podcast.

You ever get that? That's everyone. I mean, it won't happen to you now, but sometimes I show up at the towns, and they're like, come do our podcast, and they're like, come to our podcast. And they tell you all the lists of people that you know. Who've been on it.

That have done it. And then you show up and they're like, yeah, just whatever you want to talk about. I was like, I don't want to talk about anything. I wanted to be in my fucking room watching the hockey game on the internet, getting ready for my show. That's what happened here. He said, get some burgers. And I came back and said, well, you're on the podcast. What? I thought, That's what happened here. He said, get some burgers, and I came back.

What? You're on the podcast? The best. Fuck you. Fuck you. You had to bum a ride from Andy Andrus to do 10 minutes, and you have no way home. Life is tough.

How dare you? That is quite an epitaph. Some inconvenience to you as you price line a fucking other hotel when you search out this place and go there's no couch for me I gotta go on price line to do 10 minutes

you go I didn't even know I had to do this go fuck yourself Barry Sobel you're still funny but go fuck yourself that reminds me I gotta go pick up Screech. Sorry, there's no microphone in the heckler bed, but Andy Andrews said, by the way, I have to go call

Screech. Hey, not funny. People remember Screech. Nigel, come on over. Come on, man. I didn't even know there was another guy until I heard a gruff in the back. It's my buddy Nigel.

Nigel. Nigel Lawrence. Very funny. Nigel. Hey, this podcast is sponsored by Nigel. Yeah. Nigel, can you tell us anything about your line of products? Tell us something. I'm kicked right out. Yeah. Nigel, can you tell us anything about your line of products?

Tell us something. Here, eat this. Eat this, Andy. There you go. I got you a pie. I got you a pie. No. We don't have no pie.

Save me a bite of that. What? I got extra pie. What time are we at, Chaley? Over an hour. Over an hour. That means... Just quickly, Nigel just came over. Nigel, tell us about the products.

Just quickly, what's the new products this year? I'm just hoarding hamburgers over here in a corner. It's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in my life. You got a wine glass full of cigarettes. Monosanto corn? Nigel can't say what he's selling, but it's great. This podcast has devolved into chaos. We appreciate you listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast with Glenn Wool and Barry Sobel.

If you would like to crinkle a bag into a phone. Sorry. If you would like to call our burner phone, the number is 520. You wrote down 7, 5-2. 520 366 1078. Don't just call up and say

dumb shit. Because I haven't checked it once. I did check it once. But we will check it. So that's a thing. I did check it once. But we will check it. So that's a thing. I'm going to eat a burger and go pay 250 bucks for smoking in the room. You can't pay that up front.

I've tried that. We have to initial the thing. It's a $250 charge. If you smoke up front, I go, should I pay that now or at the end? See, you're such a baller. This should be a movie. Everyone wants to be you. I say it like I'm kidding.

Oh, boy. It was an honor to be on your show. Thank you so much. If I ever hear you say that on every other fucking podcast. Well, it's an honor to be on a lot of people's podcasts. It's an honor. Barry Sobel. Glenn Wolfe.

Go. It's just good to be in Sacramento with good friends. And you couldn't have predicted it. If you were driving from Calgary to Sunnyvale and went, geez, I wonder. Let me just have a look at touring comics in the air.

Oh! Everyone I've ever fucking met. There's beds laid out everywhere It's a campsite I started comedy like this You used to fly in helicopters But when I started It was everyone sleeping anywhere they could find floor space

Yeah In one hotel room And we still do that Maybe the middle did a helicopter impression. Maybe. I've slept in this... Alright, hang on. Bingo will sleep with Chaley because she knows him and

I'll sleep with the guest spot that get too fucked up in the other bed in the same hotel room and that's recent. I tweeted that the other night where I go, I woke up and I'm between Bingo and Chaley, my tour manager, and they're both snoring so offensively. Like all our neighbors are going, will they shut the fuck up on this podcast? And I tweeted, I can't sleep between. They go, get them different rooms.

Fuck no, that's a waste of money. Let me tell you a story. You remember New York. Remember when we fucking. I remember telling you the same joke three times in a night over cocaine and I remember what the joke was. Anytime there's drugs involved, I remember. Note to the kids, hey, this podcast is sponsored by narcotics.

If you want to remember the night, do uppers. GPS. You don't even remember. Tell me. It was some joke. It's on a CD somewhere now about how we live in an age where people have a crucifix and a GPS on the same dashboard.

I thought it was a great fucking joke. Like the dichotomy. I felt bad about that night. Cause I fucking did. It had come up in conversation. And I'd like done a full fucking bit in front of you that I'd already done. But I was like, no, you got to hear this, because this is what we're talking about. And you were, Mishka.

Shabali. Yeah, he was there, too. He opens the show on this podcast. He was there, too, and I'm all fucking wired, and we're smoking in front of the bar. What year was this? Five, six years ago. Yeah, and I'm trying to get through this whole bit,

and you're just looking at me, and you just looked at me. I'm going for a piss. Tell me if you segues. But that night, that, that, that, or the next day, I mean,

we drank so much. Like, you brought out your fucking vodka that you steal from planes. Like, you have, like,

No, I don't steal it. I bring it on planes. But you don't steal it. Yeah, you didn't take, there wasn't a cart or anything.

No, the mini bottles, you can bring those in your one quart bag. You can have that much liquid. You can bring 10 mini bottles in your shampoo bag through security. Yeah, he's checked. We've talked about this on the podcast.

So anyway, we got through all of those, and I had to be. I was calling hookers. Not when I was there, but yeah. The night we stayed up, this is the hotel bar. Yeah. I didn't want to leave, and then somehow you found cocaine. I remember at the time it was the biggest bar tab I'd ever paid. We're in Times Square, and it was like $385 to sit there and drink all day.

And we went to my room. I showed up. You'd been there all day. I showed up dressed exactly like you in like a trench coat and a toque. And I didn't even have to ask where you were. They're like, he's over there. And fucking dink and doink. And I was sitting at the bar together.

It's a high dollar hotel. We're at the hotel bar. We don't belong. But I've been drinking all... He's drunk. I sit down. I'm sober. I go...

I look at the state of him. I'm like, I'll get a shot of tequila. He goes, get him too. So now I'm trying to catch up to you, what you've done all day. And it's Times Square, so they're like $12, everything you drink is $12. Exactly. And then the man comes along, like the Lou Reed song. So now we've got fucking wind assistance to our debauchery.

And we closed the hotel bar. We're back up in your room. We're smoking in the fucking stairwell. And I'm paranoid because I've gotten way too much Coke. I've got to fly to Atlanta next day, so I've got to finish all the Coke that I've ordered when I was drunk,

which is never a reasonable amount. Like, yeah, all of it. Just bring it all, and we'll see what we do. How much you got? A lot. We got a lot. And then I just, I left you there after the, we went out into Times Square at 6 in the morning

to buy fucking orange juice, coked out of our head, dressed the same. And we thought we were going to get in trouble for orange juice. Like, we had the vodka in the room. We're like, can we buy this? Yeah, idiots. You can buy mixer for vodka. Well, good.

Give us some smokes, too. I remember, like, whatever in the morning, staring at you with that glazed-over look. But I'm on, like, the internet trying to find hookers that will answer their phone. See, I didn't even notice that. I'm just trying

to tell you my fucking B material. Here's another idea I had with your GPS crossing. So, here's what happens. I go to the airport unslept

and but, like, I'm starting to get on the wane of, okay. Kill it! I should be alright. And I sit down on the flight. What airport? I should be all right. And I sit down on the flight. What airport was that?

Oh, one of the New York ones. I can't be certain. I sit down on the flight. It's a non-stop, so it's Delta. Go ahead. And there's a woman. Let's go in Atlanta. Don't you remember your airports?

Ah, yeah. Your hub cities. There's go in Atlanta. Don't you remember your airports? Ah, yeah. Your hub cities. There you go. Remember. There's a woman in like a knitted cat T-shirt. And she's reading like one of those sort of Christian novels like in Jesus' path. She's a really nice woman. I'm like in the aisle seat and she's in the middle

seat. And I'm like, I'm friendly. And she's really friendly too. She has to be. Religion says so. And I started yakking to her, you know, talking to her in a way that

I never would if I hadn't been fucking wired. Gacked out. But it's starting to like, you know, talking to her in a way that I never would if I hadn't been fucking wired. Gacked out. Yeah. And, uh, but it's starting to like, I'm starting to start to drift off. And I just remember the plane taking off. And I actually said to her, I'm like, look, I, uh, I gotta get a bit of sleep. And she's like, Hey, that's, that's no problem. You, you get some sleep.

And I just remember the plane taking off. And then I remember the jerk of the tires on the tarmac. And I wake up like that. And I don't know what I'd been doing in my sleep. But that woman was like pinned against the other armrests. I don't know what sort of sounds or gropes I've been fucking making. She's stuck to the wall like a fucking Garfield

in the back of a fucking windshield in 1980. So I get to Atlanta, and I'm going down those, you know, that's ridiculously long escalators, like those ones in the train. Yeah, the trams. But those moving sidewalks too and I turned my phone on and that's

how I knew I had drank a lot that night because you had left a message that just went, ouch. That's a very important thing, I feel. When you get fucked up with someone all night, you have to leave the ouch. A brotherhood where you know the other guy's a normal fuck up. And you know you're going to wake up thinking up thinking oh i did a bad thing last night it's

important to make at least minor contact the next day to go oh i feel really bad do you feel really bad okay good we're on the same page you're not like i'm because if if someone doesn't call back i thought that guy was gonna to crash at the house. I feel he's not here. Did I say the bad thing? Did I lose a friend? There's that paranoia. Yeah.

Well, because you can't remember the last 20 minutes of conversation. The fact that this is years later that you don't remember me telling you this same joke I thought was brilliant. And you told me that's the third time you've told me a joke i remember that that from that night and every time i hear that joke i think of you going oh i just kept telling i was like open mic or working out material on a friend yeah you yeah you have to make that contact and but here's the thing about the whole night. I was worried that I had tried material out on you, so we both held the same fear of the evening, and

no one was able to say to each other, did I do that? Did I do that? Well, that's a good closer. Barry will have something to add. I was just going to mention, thanks for having me on the show. Ouch. He drops the mic.

He said, ouch, and dropped the mic. That's right. Def Jam style. He's out. He's been in the game long enough. He's earned that mic drop. All right, that's the Doug Stano podcast. This podcast has been brought to you by Saks Underpants,

Sabra Hummus, Plastic Jug Vodka, Niles, what's his name? Cheezies. What's your friend's name? Nigel Lawrence. Nigel. McDonald's? Cheezies.

It's a Canadian cheese snack. Not Tabasco sauce? Anything but Tabasco sauce? And Tabasco sauce. Not Tabasco sauce. No, it's terrible. Read Tabasco sauce And Tabasco sauce Not Tabasco sauce No it's terrible Read Tabasco Well you shouldn't offer it up As a thing somebody else can say on your podcast

It's terrible Every Tabasco Every hot sauce but Tabasco Okay that's it Alright You're all out Get the fuck out everyone Get the fuck out of my hotel

You stink this up I'm going to report you for smoking in my room You Barry Sobel You You all smoked in to report you for smoking in my room. You, Barry Sobel. You, you all smoked in my room. Glenwood smoked in my room. Nigel, he's not, he probably doesn't belong in this country.

He's an interloper of, where is my, where is my customs and borders? Remember that show we watched? Remember that show we watched where you got the customs and smugglers? Customs show. Yes, there was... Don't worry, this will all be cut out. Bye.

Play the Matoid. Play the Matoid. You know what? No, wait, wait. Hang on. Let me stop. Someone tweeted and thought Play the Matoid is the name of the band. The Matoid is the band. And when I say play the Matoid, that's when we play the Mattoid.

What has happened to the Mattoid, by the way? Off mic. Play the Mattoid. That's my favorite closing band. Play the Mattoid. Part of the time. Part of the time. Party time Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time

Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time There we go!

Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Yeah! Party time! Thanks for watching!