The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EPISODE #37: Bisbee Legend, Margo Wollenberg

Episode Date: August 6, 2014

Doug final gets Bisbee legend, Margo Wollenberg in the Funhouse for some booze, cigarettes and stories from a well lived life. This podcast sponsored by -Lucky Strike cigarettes - bit.ly/1pBOBmlWestern Airlines - bit.ly/1oq6ctEIf you have a story for Doug you can leave a message on the Burner Phone,[phone].Recorded July 30, 2014 in the Funhouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Margo Wollenberg and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes. Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la All right. This is how drunk I am after getting Margo Wallenberg, one of my favorite people ever to get finally on the podcast who said, I don't know what a pod is. Yes, this is a podcast with Margo Wallenberg as we go slowly drunk history into a woman that is fucking fantabulous. I'm fucking hammered. This is the end of drunk history going into the beginning. Click. Did you hang up? No, I

just said click. No, it's a fucking good reference. Click. Did you just say click? Did you hang up? No, I said click. Student bodies is the answer. Ugh. I say quick. Student bodies is the answer. So you say your favorite place is Anchorage, right?

Yeah, for a while. For the audience. No, not for performing. Again, that was a while ago. Well, you did a show recently, though. He was fine to mediocre, but it was the people up there. It was just a ton of great friends. Oh, God, the Alastons are fabulous.

I was telling Triple G Greg that I got a 121-pound halibut up there out on the Nelchik. I got a 14-pounder, and I thought my arms were going to fall off trying to pull it in a boat after dragging it. That was 14. They're flat. What happens is I was all happy. Then that sucker came up and saw the

and man that line went up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit, I just about went off the boat. When I first got on that boat this big old God, I love the Canucks, big old red-headed, hey, where's your man? And I go, hey, I don't need a man to go fishing. And my dad had just died, and I used to go fishing with my dad all the time.

And I just know I had packed up, and he was died. I went up there, and then from there I went on up to Alaska. So I was up there. I just know he was putting fish on my hook. And he goes around, he goes, and it says no drugs on Boozled. I had a six-pack of beer. I had a can of wasabi, you know, and a little soya. And the guy looks at me, he goes goes you have been fishing before Missy

yeah I have you know so I impressed him with that I was the only one there it was me and five guys I was the only one they caught you're only allowed two halibut you know and he said Missy just keep bringing them in these guys aren't going to catch shit

you can give them to them later so that's what I did. It was too funny. I was out of where? Out of Nelchik, which is the south. Yeah, heading down towards Homer. Yeah, just north of Homer. God, I loved Homer.

But that was so funny. Every time I'd move around the ship, these five dudes would run around and follow me around the fishing boat. This guy just cracked up, this big old red-headed son of a gun. Was this a day trip? It was a day trip. It was just a day trip out of Mnuchik.

But these people used to own a fishing boat that went out of San Carlos. The first thing I said to him, I said, okay. I said, I can't jump off the side of the boat and take a pee like I could out of San Carlos. The first thing I said to him, I says, okay. I said, I can't jump off the side of the boat and take a pee like I could down in San Carlos. I said, what's the drill? You know, so he told me. Yeah, what's the protocol? They had an indoor john, but...

Doug, you want me to look for something? No, it's that chick that wrote that erotica, but her site is mostly gross pictures of her half-naked. I just wanted to get some drops of Marga reading erotica. I love that one. He plunged his warm tongue into my waiting mouth. He cupped my bosoms with his strong hands. Yes.

I lapped it all up. Now the idea is to sound as hard as possible. God. Some girl that's a fan that would, she sent me a book of her erotica, which is so antiquated

anyway, and it's just so silly to read. So I thought it would be funny to fuck with her but I can't. I think we finally gave the book to your thrift store. Jesus. Oh man, that breeze feels good. Football season. Right around the corner.

Oh, God. I'll be gone for a lot of it. I spent two or three years ago, three years ago, I wouldn't work any Saturdays on the road, so I could be here for Sunday football for every game of the season, and it turned into such a pain in the ass. I fucking hated football by the end of it. Yeah, I can imagine.

Up at 8 in the morning cooking for everyone, which I like to do occasionally, but when it's every week... You set yourself up. Yeah. Yeah, you just work four days on the road and get home on Saturday afternoon going, Oh, shit. No, it's not me.

I got to go to Safeway. Yeah, I call it the dreaded Safeway. If I get up early and can get it out of the way, but if it's after 2 in the afternoon and it's crowded. I know. I call it the dreaded Safeway. Because, you know, when I go to Safeway, that's where you run into everybody you know.

Yeah, you can't. If you have no social skills, you better have a baseball hat and Hollywood sunglasses. Yeah, one time I went in there and I wore the most absolutely atrocious fucking outfit because I just wanted to get in and get out. Everybody pretended they didn't know me. I'm like, cool. Yeah, I figured I can do incognito pretty well. Yeah, well, you're my height and my voice is... Yeah, no, you're fucked.

I'm just totally fucked. How tall are you? I'm only 5'11 now. Now? Yeah, I used to be 5'13, but... But my back's all, you know, scrunched up. You're shrinking? Yeah, well, yeah.

Those little vertebraes, those things are squished up. Yeah, I'm about 5'4 with my bar posture. If I stand up straight, I'm 5'7 1⁄2". Well, my mom, when I was, you know, she was 5'5 1⁄2", and she'd come up to me and go, I was like 5'10 when I was 12, and I weighed 100 pounds. I looked like a Buchenwald baby. You know, I was this big, I had these huge lips, ears, feet, and hands, man.

It was just, you know, I was just, that's how I developed my sense of humor because it kept me from just beating the shit out of everybody, you know. Well, what are you going to do? They had to move in a bigger desk for me in fourth grade because I was just too gangly. Where were you? In Fontana, California, Kaiser Steel Town. Fontana? It's in Steel Town. Fontana.

It's in Southern California near Riverside. Yeah. The Inland Empire. The big place to go in those days was Riverside, to the Riverside Inn. Was that Salton Sea era? Salton Sea. We used to go out there when it was still... Nice. Yeah.

Yeah. That place is fascinating. Isn't it amazing? John Waters did a documentary about it that's incredible. He did? Yeah. I love John Waters. I had no idea the history of the place. Oh. Yeah. It's pretty incredible. Drove through once. I want

to drive through again. We were going to drive through when we were going out to Palm Springs. When you go in the Salton Sea when I was a kid, you'd automatically float. There was just so much salt in it. You were just... Yeah, just like the dead fish now. Yeah, right. Straight to the top.

Really, it was really cool. Were you there when it was actually a resort? Like, there was a planned community. That was supposed to be a huge, like, development. I probably was. It was. Well, okay. It was a huge development.

Yeah, I mean, were there shops open? Were people walking the streets? I can't remember because I was a kid, you know. Right now, there's probably 13 people there and a bar. I think that's it. Well, at least I've got a bar. Yeah. Where were we

that one guy said he parked his car he used to leave his company truck there or something and they stole it? Yeah, yeah. And then two weeks later

he got another car and they stole it? No. Because he would park it like out at some parking lot. Dock or something. Somewhere near there.

You would park and then they'd pick you up. So it was kind of like a carpool kind of thing. A crew truck. Because he was construction. And he would park it out there and it would sit all day long.

It would take, what, three days for you to go, hey, this guy's going to be here tomorrow and he's going to leave for 10 hours. I mean, that's exactly what they did. And then they just kept stealing his truck. I had a friend of mine one time and he was, he didn't, he

had a loan on a vehicle, you know, and he wasn't being able to make the loan or anything, so he brought it down, he drove it down to, across from the Gay 90s, you know, down in Naco. Gay 90s, which is

the bar right on the Naco border here. Right on the border there, yeah. And it's from the 1890s. That's why they're stuck with the name. In fucking redneck militiaman Arizona border, they're stuck with the historic name Gay 90s. It's the only bar in town. The 1990s?

It goes back over a century? Yeah. Anyhow, he thought, well, I'll just leave it there with the keys in it and somebody will steal it and I won't have to pay. He left it there for two weeks. No one would steal it.

He was so pissed off. He was just like, what the fuck? Can you imagine? Drugs in trunk, free shrimp cocktail. Yeah, right. what the fuck? You know? Can you imagine? Drugs in trunk, free shrimp cocktail. Yeah, right. It's just, nope, nobody touches it.

I guess they figured it was a setup or something. Bait car, yeah. Isn't that weird? You just figured, oh, no problem, man. That way I can get out of making my payments and get a new vehicle, you know, whatever. Smart thinking. It didn't work. How's your drink you go eat ice ice and some of that stuff all of it the words is some of that grapefruit oh man I was raised in a grapefruit orchard we used to have all the wet bags come in. They'd come in with these, thanks, that's

fine, and they had they'd go out and pick all the grapefruit in our, yeah, little splash. And my brother just loved them. Whenever they were there, and they adored my brother who was this little guy with eyelashes and one of his eyebrows.

Of course, the kid got it. The boy got the eyelashes. Not me. No. Little kid? Yeah. Your brother's little? Well, no.

With big, long eyelashes, and you're 6'13"? Well, he was. Yeah, well, he's 6'3", now. And my sister's 5'10 1⁄2". She was 5'10 1⁄2". I was 5'13", and my brother was 5'10. She was 5'10. I was 5'13 and my brother was 5'15. Are you Dutch

by any chance? I think Croatian. You think? I did a DNA test. We've got some Croatian blood in us. My mother was English. Stockton, California.

Signed the Declaration of Independence. And my mother was English, stocked in California, signed a Declaration of Independence. Doesn't make me any different. The Dutch, the tallest people in the world. Are they? Yes, they are. Fact from my filthy Scottish manager. He has lots of facts that he likes to tell you when he's drinking.

Are you aware that ants are aware of their own mortality? Thanks, Brian. Did you read that in Smart Fuck Magazine? This is the Doug Stanhope Podcast, episode whatever it is, and I'm here in Bisbee, in the funhouse, with Greg Chaley, and my favorite Bisbee character of them all,

Margo Wallenberg. Hi there. Margo, who is kind of the reason I'm here. That's true. Before I moved here, I came here all the time. I was shooting a pilot

for... They were going to try to sell it to Travel Channel. I knew it was never getting picked up. But the idea was I was hitchhiking, and then they'd film the people that picked me up hitchhiking and put lipstick cameras in their car when they pulled over. Hey, we're doing a thing. And then just talk to people that pick up hitchhikers,

which seems interesting. So they let me decide where to film it, and I go, hey, we'll do Benson to Tombstone, Tombstone to Tombstone, Tombstone to Bisbee, because they wanted to get two different people for the pilot. And that gives me a reason to go back to Bisbee. And that was right when we were leaving Los Angeles.

We hadn't decided. Renee and I was with Renee at the time, and we were debating where to move to. It was Portland and Austin were on the short list. I wanted to move to Reno. She had no sense of humor about Reno. Reno's a really fucking funny place. It is. Yeah. Reno was

close, right? I mean, she was upset, but that was on your short list. Yeah, I'm not living in fucking Reno. I think it's funny. No one else lives in Reno. I like Reno. I love it. And I counted cards. I played a lot up there.

We'll get to that. It's in my notes. I've learned to pre-interview. And I tried to do it the night before drunk. So I don't really remember the story. So I go, what was that thing you were telling me when we were drunk? It's an honest way of pre-interviewing. Yeah, you have bullet points.

Yeah. One or two words. But it's an honest conversation because I was drunk and don't really remember what exactly he said, but I know it's funny. So the second guy that picked me up in that hitchhiking thing was Judge Harold Lee. Yeah. Also

a character. I don't know what I heard. He's in jail now or something. No, really? Yeah, but I heard that from Kenny. It's not a reliable source. It's not necessary. Kenny is not. No, but he heard from I don't know. Last I heard that from Kenny. That's not a reliable source. It's not necessary. Kenny is not. No, but he heard from, I don't know. Last I heard, he was fighting to open a poker room somewhere.

Right, he has been doing that. So he could very well be in jail. He was arrested at that Indian casino. Who hasn't been? So he picked me up, and then we're done shooting. We go to the Copper Queen Hotel here. We're having drinks on the patio with Judge Harold Lee and Mikey Palmer, who I just met.

Oh, God, Mike. And so we're just making small talk at Happy Hour Cocktails, and I said I've always thought about moving here. It's just I've thought about it, but I didn't really intend to. And Mike goes, well, if you're going to buy a place here, there's only one person to talk to. That's Margo. Hang on. Let me call her. So, without me

being able to backpedal, he just dials you up and puts you on the phone. And then I get your voice. And I sound like Tom Waits. Right? I sound just like Tom Waits imitates me. It's unbelievable. For the record, Margot is an actual woman.

She's not transgendered. She just has the most fantastic radio voice of a fucking man. I have a Paulette plantation in my throat, which allows me to sound like this. Can you get that as an elective surgery? Well, I've electively surgeried it to have it removed once.

Well, put it in me. I want that voice. There you go. Isn't it great? It is. It's fantastic. They said, you're going to have to do it again. I said, fuck it. I'm not doing it anymore. I am what I am. I wouldn't change that for anything. So you get on the phone.

Well, what price range do you have in mind? I'm just bullshitting. So I lowball it. I never even looked at buying a house ever. And you go, the only thing I can think of off the top of my head is 212 Van Dyke. It's over in Warren. And I go, okay. And I get off the phone.

And you had no idea where Warren was? No. But the next morning I woke up before we went to the airport and I took the crew van out driving around until someone knew where Van Dyke was. And I found this place and I took pictures. I bought this place without seeing the inside. I had took pictures through the window.

Renee came out and looked at it and said it was good. The mother-in-law apartment? Yeah, yeah. Or the brother-in-law or whatever. Well, at that point, the mother-in-law was still alive and she said, don't you fucking dare call it a mother-in-law. She's not And she said, don't you fucking dare call it a mother. She's not living with us. Don't worry.

So yeah, that's how I was introduced to Margo. I always called them guest accommodations. Yeah, guest house. Sounds nice. Yeah, guest house. For a guest you don't want staying too long. Yeah, exactly. But they stay too long if you have a guest house with a bathroom.

But they stay too long if you have a guest house with a bathroom. Margo always has fantastic stories. We first got here, we went to your house for Fourth of July for the Costa races. Met a lot of people. We even came to a Chamber of Commerce thing that you were, I don't know, it was nine years ago. It seems like a different person altogether. But yeah, so yeah, you took us out, and you've always been one of our favorite people.

You're done with real estate now. Yep. You're retired. I'm retarded now, yes. And I'm having great difficulty. You're fucking 75 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope my voice gets lower. Just like my boobs.

You're still a menace. You'd see Margot shit-faced at like 7.30, and then you'd go to other bars in town and come back, and she's still going three hours later. I thought you were on your last legs at happy hour. No, Margo plows through. Back in the, you used to play some gnip-gnop or, you know, fag tag up at, what was the,

the bar up above the stock exchange. And you'd play bridge or pinochle or something. Oh, we played dice up there, yeah. What was it called? We called it Five Alive. No, no, the name of the bar. Oh, we played dice up there, yeah. What was it called? We called it Five Alive. No, no, the name of the bar. Oh, the name of the bar. The Blue something, was it?

This is in Old Bisbee, right? Yeah, it's in Old Bisbee. You guys would all be fucking wrecked, and then you'd come back hours later, like, they're still going. I've always used people like you as a role model. You can still... Cannabis and tequila,

baby. That's my motto. We just stopped at Margo's house to pick her up. She's going through the fridge trying to find snacks for the podcast saying, first of all, I don't know what a pod is. It's like a radio show. Okay, that

explains it. Thanks for clearing that up. She's going through the fridge in her house going, hang on, wait, no, you don't do marijuana. I'm trying to find something that's not... Marijuana infused. Laced, infused. Infused with marijuana. Hang on, I think this tepidata's good.

Yeah, I had one tepidata that's infused with marijuana oil and I didn't want to bring that over here. God forbid. Someone came for a football Sunday and brought a tray of brownies. Have I already told this on the podcast? That was the last time I had marijuana-infused brownies. Were those my brownies? No, this was at 9 a.m. is when football starts here.

It's early. So I wake up early to start cooking shit, and they're already on the table. So I think, oh, these are legitimate brownies. Well, of course. The other kind of brownies come later. Yeah. It was an early morning.

And one quarter of the tray is gone. Oh, my God. Bingo. There should be a different color brownie, or there should be a toothpick, a frilly toothpick. Normally, I would assume, but since it was 9 a.m., I think it's fine. A quarter's missing. Bingo's already hit it.

So I ate one. Oh, she's drifting. Why? We didn't know yet. She just thought she was good. She didn't either. I ate half of one. I go, these are kind of shitty brownies.

It's too wet. And then it hit me. I'm like, oh, fuck fuck i'm not good with pot and i sat in here for football i couldn't even my arms were rubber i couldn't even get a drink to my mouth for about five hours that's what straws are for but that's it then you get like mikey palmer and dunwoody where you have to be oh chris dunwoody yeah i adore him i love dunwoody but fabulous yeah you feel like you have to be a host. And then I just at one point said, listen, explain to anyone who comes in that I'm fucking high and I can't be disturbed.

Yeah, we called him Mushroom Chris. Oh, yeah. Because he used to go up and collect mushrooms and sell them. And then the Vietnamese and the Orientals came in and took that all over. Where? Up in the northwest where the mushrooms are morel. Oh, I thought Bisbee. We have one Chinese restaurant

and you go in and there's two Chinese. I want to see if there's actual Asian people in this town. I haven't seen one. Well, what about three? Three? Yeah, yeah. The new... Yeah, got, she makes great stories. We're getting way too inside Bisbee. Never mind.

So, yeah, Margo, where do we start? I know I have notes here, because you have so many great stories. Let's start with cancer. Let's start with cancer and work our way back to funny. Well, I'm still alive. I'm a cancer survivor for three years, and I owe a lot of that to using cannabis. I feel it's been a wonderful help to me.

Hang on, it's lung cancer, and you have a lighter in your hand, so go ahead and fire up a cigarette. I'm not firing up a joint, so that's a good thing. Well, you're a survivor right now. Well, I am. And, you know, if I drop dead tomorrow, I've lived a great life.

Which we will get to after this message. No, I don't have a message. I don't have any sponsors, but we'll get to that. I remember my Uncle Harold. I go, Uncle Harold, they and Uncle Harold will say, who are they? And I go, I don't know. So Uncle Harold will say, well, then don't worry about it. And he'd say, do you want to be a doorknob?

No, Uncle Harold. I don't want to be a doorknob. You want to be a vegetable? No, Uncle Harold, I don't want to be a vegetable. Then live your life. It was great advice from Uncle Harold. How did he die? He died at 89 or something.

Gunfight? No, I think he was shot by his girlfriends. No. So lung cancer, how do you figure out you have it? Because my audience are all uber unhealthy people. And every time you cough at a certain age, you go, is that it? How does it start? I'm tired.

I started smoking. Actually, I used to steal my mother's Lucky Strike cigarettes. I was going to ask for a brand. We're sponsored, this podcast sponsored by Lucky Strike. And she had the little green tins with the Lucky Strikes. They just looked so cool. And I was raised in Citrus Orchard, so I would grab the Lucky Strikes and I'd go out.

We had a special little cave under one of the grapefruit trees. And we'd go under there and we smoke cigarettes what age uh well i don't know 12 or something like that but my god my mother yeah i was i was a kid then i was a tall kid but i was still a kid and that it was just because we weren't supposed to do it. We had to do it. It's like rules are made to be broken. I don't know.

It's just something that occurred to me, or it didn't occur to me. I just did it. Margo, you smell like cigarette smoke. Well, the other kids are smoking. Well, why do you smell like smoke? Because I'm 6'10". Yeah, exactly.

Smoke rises. And I'm not a vegetable. I'm not a vegetable. I'm an animal. That reminds me of Richard Byrd when he was in that accident and he was telling me,

you know Richard Byrd, the photographer here? No. Okay, he's done photography for all these super blues people and so on. When Margot brought us through her house, she's shown us different pieces of art all over her house, beautiful art.

She goes, so-and-so did this, dead. So-and-so, they're still alive, but this one, this is a beautiful picture. He's dead. This one died a few years ago. Well, it's the way it is. It's a way of things. So anyhow, Bird goes,

it was really terrible. He said for a long time they thought I was going to be an animal. And he meant a vegetable. He was just so out of it. I fucking love it. They thought I was going to be an animal. God.

So you started, how did you, what led you to go to a doctor to get diagnosed? That's a good question. Oh, I know why. No, I don't know why. Coughing up chunks? No, no, no.

I don't know how they, oh, I know why. You didn't go to the doctor thinking, oh, I might have lung cancer. No, actually I went to a doctor because I had a growth of my adrenal glands. And that was non-cancerous, but when they were in there... Wouldn't that be when you were 11? Yeah, my adrenal glands, they went berserk early age.

So you had a growth. I went in, and I said, you've got to double-check this. And then they found a spot in my lung. There's a little black spot on my lung. Yeah, due day. And it had been there since I was a kid because I had bronchial pneumonia and whooping cough at one time,

and I was in one of those. Back when it was popular. Yeah, exactly. It was very popular then, and I had to go into one of those... Back when it was popular. Yeah, exactly. It was very popular then, and I had to go... The group. I had to go into one of those tents, those oxygen tents. Jesus. That's why I'm claustrophobic.

You hang out in oxygen... And then the kid next to me was screaming and crying all the time. It was... Was it like a camping tent? It was a Kaiser's. Was it like John Travolta as the boy in the little, in the bubble? The boy in the plastic bubble.

It was kind of like, yeah. It was like a pressurized tent where they had, like, the air was, there was more percentage of oxygen. Was it like a bouncy castle? No, damn it. But then they had this kid next to me screaming all the time. My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my. Oh, God. So I am claustrophobic because of that. they had this kid next to me screaming all the time my mom, my mom, my mom my mom, oh god

so I am claustrophobic because of that so have you gone on the mind tour? yes I have I'm okay with the mind tour but I'm not okay with a bunch of people in a small room maybe it's just

because I just don't like to be with a bunch of people in a small room. And that's how you survived the Great White Fire, but we'll get to that later. Oh, Great White. Okay, so this spot is still there. The spot was there and the guy said,

well, we better check it out. 60 years later. They just diagnosed it as cancer. But they've been watching it for quite a few years, and the guy noticed it grew a little millimeter or some goddamn little old thing. And they said, well, we better check it out. And he said, yeah, this is not a good thing. So they went in and they removed on my right side,

there's three air pockets or whatever, and they removed two of them, and I'm doing fine. The lobes, right? Aren't they called lobes? It's like each lung has a bunch of sacs. Yeah, the right lung has three sacs. The left lung only

has two. Alright. One's always bigger than the other. Well, that's just like my tits. You know. So anyhow, that's just like my tits. You know? So anyhow, that's how they did it. And it didn't scare me. It did scare me after the treatment because I was at a horrible hospital. Where?

At the Carondelet in Tucson. The Carondelet and Lucky Strikes bring you the Doug Stanhope podcast today. Oh, man, those suckers. They went and sent me into a recovery room, and there were still dust bunnies under the bed. There was some of these bleeding stuff still in the trash can in the bathroom, and I knew this was not a good thing. I think we stated that place on the road. Yeah.

Is that America's best value inn? Oh, no, it might be. But that's when I knew. And then I got really sick. It wasn't from the operation. It was from the recovery room. Staff? Infection?

Oh, honey. Oh, yeah. That almost did me in. Wow. Yeah. So, but I'm still here. You're still here We did a

I don't know if I Fuck those Catholics and their carondelet God damn I think the first year we did Celebrity Death Pool We were sitting around drunk with Alex and Trish And we decided to do Bisbee Death Pool And I don't know if I picked you But you were definitely picked

And this is years ago Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Then there's Booker. Did you know Booker? No. We can go over all the local dead people that died, but this is for an international audience. No one here, no one in Bisbee listens to this.

You're safe. Perfect. Margo, just to set it up here, how long have you lived in Bisbee? About 35 years. Wow. I mean, this town has changed a lot in that time, correct? It has, yeah. She was here before the mine closed.

Yeah, I was here before the mine closed. Which was 75? 72 or something like that. I don't know. It's kind of like Vietnam. It kind of ended, but then it really ended in 75. It's still open. I mean, it's still in business. Oh, the kind of like Vietnam. It kind of ended, but then it really ended in 75. It's still open. I mean, it's still in business.

Oh, the mine. Not Vietnam. Oh. Yeah, they're both still. They're out of business. They're still doing shit at the mine, but that's who gives a fuck. Let's get back to you. You were a cook at a dude ranch.

Last night when I saw her at the bar, she's like, you like this dress? I was from my days when I was a cook at a dude ranch. I was a camp cook at a dude ranch. Pardon me. Up outside Ennis, Montana. Diamond J Ranch. And it was great.

I had a great time up there. I had my big old Appaloosa. Got to go out and shoot guns and stuff. How old are you at this point? Oh, maybe about 48. It was the year of the big Yellowstone fire. Whatever that was. So right before you moved here?

Wait. No, no, no. I was 48 years old. Yeah, but I'm doing 35 minus 75 is 40. So you left here to go there. Well, I got the job. I'm not going to test your memory because I know it's... No, please don't. It's false.

I remember after I bought this place, we moved out here, and it was like two days before we could get the keys. But we have a rental mover with the mover trying to get home, and they wouldn't give me the keys. So we just broke in. I went, fuck it. And then we went to the copper queen and we found you i brought you a bottle of champagne or something or a bottle of wine i go i'm doug stanhope i bought that house from you we had never met face to face just on

the phone because i bought this without right being here and uh i go i'm'm Doug Stanhope. I bought the place from you. And you're like, ah. I go, 212 Van Dyke. And you're like, who? What? Was it in 88, the Yellowstone fire? It might have been. Jesus. No, I got my fucking phone, man.

I know. What do you think I'm doing? No, I'm saying 88. I'm picturing her as a dude ranch. I'm picturing the 40s when she says, I used to be. No, I was only, I wasn't even 12 in the 40s. Anyway, so around 1988, we think. Yeah. How'd you get this gig?

What, that gig? Someone heard you on the telephone and went, oh, you're a perfect good friend. No, I was... We got a new guy coming up. I was whiling away my probationary hours for being a part of the Bisbee 13, a drug smuggling... Okay, then we should back up. All right, automatic rewind to the Bisbee 13.

Is this Betty Lindstrom related by any chance? No, that was another deal. All right, because she's been Bisbee 13. Is this a Betty Lindstrom related by any chance? No, that was another deal. All right, because she's been on the podcast and told that story. No, I just, I was hanging out and I had a lover of mine who was dealing and I was just a dumb broad. I had no clue. That's a hard sell. I know.

I can't imagine a dumb Margo. All right, well. Go ahead. I'm not a dumb Margo, but I. And I'm not a prosecutor, so go ahead. And I'm not a prostitute, so we're even. Prosecutor, I said. Oh, pardon me.

I'm not a prosecutor, so go ahead. You don't have to sell me with it. I was just a dumb girl. I had no idea this guy was doing what he was doing. So they did a net. Coke or meat? They did a grand jury indictment. There was no marijuana ever found. And they did a grand jury indictment. There was no marijuana ever found.

And they did a grand jury indictment on 13 people. And I was known as one of the Bisbee 13. That's kind of cool. And I had no idea. And all these people were like half my age. And they go, we don't even know her. It was bizarre. Then I'm up in front of Judge Borowick and he goes,

can you speak English? And I said, Your Honor, his wife's name was Margo Borowick at that time. And I said, Your Honor, you and I have been to many parties together, and you know I know how to speak English. Oh! That was dumb Margo. Yeah, I am a dumb broad. No, you're not.

Come on. For him to ask me, can I speak English? I mean, give me an effing break. I mean, it was absurd. I can speak English and deeper than you, Your Honor. Yes. So anyhow. I can do it baritone.

Everybody knew I wasn't involved in this stuff. They knew it. So I said, well, I finally said NOLA contendere because I had no money, I couldn't fight it. I said, NOLA contendere. I'm not going to say I'm guilty. No contest because I figured that was a financial way to get the hell out of it.

So, boom, guilty or whatever the hell it was. So then I had a chance to go down and work in Alamos as a reverse wetback selling real estate down there. So I go to the powers that be and I say, hey, can I go down to Alamos and sell real estate as a reverse wetback? And they, no problem. They let me go. I mean, that's how dangerous that must have been.

The whole thing was just totally stupid. So, what was your sentence? Go to Alamos. Yeah, I had to go to Alamos. Like a Vietnam era thing where you can join the army or go to jail? Yeah, they just said, hey, you can...

Not probation or I don't know what the hell it was, but it was just really awful. So then you get the opportunity to... And I said, can I go to Alamos? I have an opportunity to sell real estate down there as a reverse wetback. I didn't tell them that. They said, that's fine. So everybody laughs. Oh, there you are, Wiling away your probationary hours

In Alamos, Sonora And I had a great time down there This is in Mexico Yes Sonora is in Mexico Alright Well I don't know Alamos

I didn't know if you meant Los Alamos Alamos is the northernmost It's Alamos to the states Wingsing It's the northernmost. It's Alamos to the states. Wang zing! It's the northernmost colonial city in Mexico. And I was selling homes with three-foot-thick walls when they were invaded by the French and so on. And they would bury their bodies in the walls

because they were surrounded. It was such a trip. I just love Alamos. It's gorgeous. It's just a beautiful place. And the people down there are really nice. And it was really fun. This podcast brought to you by whodiedinyourhouse.com.

That's an actual sponsor of some podcast. Well, I'll tell you what. People will go in there. These are three foot thick walls. And they would go in there and start putting in stuff and they would find bodies literally buried in the walls. They would find gold and silver

buried in the walls. I shit you not. You fuck with me, you're going to be buried six feet up. Three feet to the left. So let me get this straight. On probation, you went to a foreign country. I whiled away my probationary hours.

A different time. In Alamos, Sonora. I did indeed. In Alamos, Sonora. I did indeed. And how did you get from selling real estate there to being a cook at a dude ranch? Well, it began in Alamos, actually. Because I had all these baby boys and these kids.

They were fascinated by my way of cooking. So they'd come over to my house and they'd bring me food and stuff. And they'd never seen a cast iron frying pan. It was amazing. They just didn't know. They had all those little skinny tin pans and stuff. Dollar store. Yeah, dollar store in Alamos. I don't think there is one. But anyhow, I just started cooking up stuff, and the Combs family had a big ranch down there, and I sold real estate with one of the family, and she saw what I could do with pretty much nothing,

but impromptu, whatever you give me, I call it green beret cooking. Whatever you got, you fix up. And so they were impressed with that. And their camp cookie for the ranch up out of the Diamond Jay Ranch up outside of Ennis, Montana, called in and she couldn't make it. So Ginger Collins says, hey, you want to come up and cook at the ranch? I said, I've never done it, but I'll give it a shot. I think I was 48 or something then, years old. So anyhow, I went up to Montana and did my thing. How long did you do that?

Until you were off probation? Once again, crossing state lines, heading to the northernmost state, or one of the most northernmost states in the contiguous U.S., on probation. It fucking blows my mind. On a drug charge during Reagan's 80s. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, obviously they were really concerned about me. You know? I mean, come on. It was just, they got me in a net thinking that. Check her purse before she gets on the plane. Ah, she's fine. What? Yeah, right.

She's coming from Mexico on a drug charge. Jesus, don't even talk to me about checking my purse. Jesus Christ, when I was down in San Juan, Puerto Rico, counting cards and shit, my husband and I, and it got really nasty down there weather-wise. We said, oh, we're out of here. And I had a bunch of, um...

Well, my husband had it in his pipe tobacco thing. Like a pouch. Like it's loose tobacco, right? Yes, it was marijuana. That was tricky. But we got out of it. How did you get into counting cards?

I beg your pardon? How did you get into counting cards? How did I get into counting cards? Oh. Some devious man. I had a lover. All my lovers are devious, of course. And they just said, hey, you want to?

Did you ever have a lover say, don't talk dirty to me right now? I'm trying to come. No, I'm trying to come. Oh, here's a good one. I was at a friend's fight up in Vegas, man. And we're sitting there. And he dropped his fork or knife under the table. And he's down there getting the fork,

and he goes, he has this very subtle voice, he goes, let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing. And I'm sitting there like this with my hands up. No, it's not me! And everyone's just like, oh my God, I couldn't believe it. So the next thing we know, we get a big bottle of Piper Heise champagne delivered to our table. And my boy goes, fine Irishman he was, and he goes, we didn't order that.

No, but your neighbors did. They love your sense of humor. Let go of my ears. I know what I'm doing. So, okay, counting cards. Okay. So, anyhow. From the best of your recollection.

Oh, God. I see. I recognize that look on your face because every day, every cocktail I have, my brain is deleting unused files. Don't you wish you could defrag your brain? I would love it if my life flashed before me when I died.

Everything would be new to me. Like, oh shit, I did that. People tell me stuff all the time and I go, I don't remember doing that but it sounds like me. I'm sure I did it. Then there's stuff I've heard that I said, no effing way I did it. I get stories told back to me that I don't want.

If that's the rumor, let that be, because that's a great story. I'm giving up. I know that's not true, but that's a good story. Let it ride, man. Let it ride. You. Let it ride. You know, just truly. I'm trying to figure out how in the world. Well, I can't remember exactly, but anyhow.

Next thing you know, you're counting cards in Puerto Rico. The only thing I know is I'm training to count cards, and we went through thousands of decks that was before Thorpe came out with the book Beat the Dealer and anyhow I was in those days capable of doing it

and we went up to Vegas and started out there and they told me with your height, my voice wasn't like it is now, but with my height, it was pretty difficult to disguise myself. So

my M.O. was being I wore the I watched all the dancers and the tall models and stuff for showgirls. So I dressed up like a showgirl. Oh, the son of a bitch won't. Says I bring him bad luck.

And I was carrying a $20,000 bankroll. At that time, it would probably be worth about $100,000 a day. So this is mafia era Vegas. Yes, 70s, mid-70s. You could break your legs. Yes, they do. They didn't mind, but I had some pretty hairy experiences there. But it was not hairy legs, but it was interesting,

and I dressed like a showgirl. And it worked. It was just my MO, my modus operandi. How long did this go on? It only went on for, I think, two years because of my height and you know it was so easily but two years that's a long time well it wasn't all you know he's took the fifth seat you know and it was it was interesting man you cut down a deck and i could pretty much tell you it was left in not today but in those days i could it was uh it was a well it was Not today, but in those days I could. It was...

It was a lot less of everything back then. You could get away with so much. Or it seems like today with all the high-tech surveillance. Oh, yeah. They probably had a few flunkies, wackies out on the floor.

I actually have had pit bosses come up to me, look, lady, I don't want you playing on my shift. If you never need a backer, let me know. When I first moved to... And I just act like the dumb rod that I am.

Stupid. When I first moved to Vegas, I was 19, and there was a guy that I had met that was a rain man type of, not that low-functioning, but autistic, like really a dirty guy, creepy, blinks a lot, clammy guy, and he said he was a card counter, and the people you meet, you're full of shit he was this weird

nebbishy yeah dandruff in his eyebrows kind of yeah old dude uh and we went to a a place and i gave him some money knowing that he's probably full of shit and he was there for about 10 minutes before someone recognized him and said sir you can't play in this casino. Oh, yeah. Oh, they fucking, he wasn't buying at all. They knew him, yeah. Bert, I still remember his name. They would come up to me and just say,

not on my shift. You know, and actually I've had pit bosses say, if you ever need a backer let me know of course you never cop out what I'm a dumb broad they'd always want to comp you rooms and so on and so forth to get your name oh no I have a friend here

oh that's interesting oh yeah because they want to know who the F you are put a name to your face she just said who the F you are this is the woman that when I'm asking directions to her house, because I haven't been there for a while, she's like, you go down to Tombstone, and it's right across from those motherfucking solar panels.

Tirade above the solar panels. Oh, man. Fucking ugly. I love any woman who, a 75-year-old woman who uses motherfucking in the course of giving directions to her home. Is it an adjective or a verb? It's all in how you use it, lady. There you go.

It is indeed. So was it a brutal ejection from the card counting life? It was gradual and because I just, you know because they knew me. So they popped me from the... I had to move pretty quickly from the green chips to the black chips, the $100 chips and stuff because they knew I wasn't going to last. Just simply because of my height, but I loved it. They'd bar me, and I'd be dressing like a showgirl, and I'd come back in, and I'd be wearing biker boots

and no makeup and stuff like that. It was so much fun. Yeah, but you're still six feet tall. Yeah, I know, but, you know, it was really fun to just come in there and do costumes and, like, fuck with them a little bit, you know? It was really neat. I enjoyed it.

When I leave a place... Do they talk internally? Do the casinos at that point, this is 80s, 70s? I think it was about 75, 76 of De Niro movies. Yeah, casino. That era. I can't remember his real name.

Ace Rothstein. I can't remember his real name. Ace Rothstein. I can't remember if that's the real guy or the character, but he's based on a real guy. De Niro's character in Casino. But would the casinos talk to each other? Would they like, hey, here's a heads up, this six-foot-tall chick counts cards? Well, if they didn't, shame on them.

But, I mean, would you notice getting busted at different casinos? No, no, no. And I always sit a certain position on the table and blah, blah, blah. But it was really fun. It was such great theater. I think that would be a fantastic way to live for a while. The only thing I couldn't do is not tip. All professional gamblers

don't tip. I always toke them. I'd always leave a toke. That's Vegas nomenclature right there. What's that? Toke the dealer. What's that mean? Tip. Obviously tip.

Yeah. Over tip, I would assume? No, I haven't heard the expression toke since I lived there. Never. Well, obviously I was there. So I guess there was a time when that could happen because the casino was probably

an entity all by itself. Now casinos are owned by, what, two companies? Three companies own all the casinos on the Strip? Oh, that's too bad. Now you can't, I mean, you want to trade. See, everything is fucking corporate owned. But back then, it was like the horseshoe was worried about the horseshoe. Oh, Binion's Horseshoe.

I love that place. That was a great joint. So you lived for two years in Vegas? Well, I went up there during a season and came back and lived in my two-room cab with an outhouse. I didn't know cheaters had a season. Winners do. Cheaters don't.

Spring training. Honey, I don't feel I was ever a cheater. I was a card counter. There's a big difference. I said that for the effect of funny. Okay. But yeah, I may have cheated on my husband's way I didn't cheat at cards. card counter. There's a big difference. I said that for the effect of funny. Okay. I may have cheated on my husbands, but I didn't cheat at cards. That breaks

down to that whole we reserve the right to refuse service to anybody. Absolutely. So if you count cards, we can throw you out. But if you're black... So where do you draw the line with that? I think that's fair play.

If I'm smarter than other players, I'm not cheating. I wasn't cheating. I was counting cards. I'm gaming. I'm playing defense. That was before Thorpe came out with the book, Beat the Dealer. I know. You seem to have a hang-up about this.

Well, he ruined my game. Because they realized that you could count cards and beat the dealer. So you still have a grudge against this. Why didn't you write a fucking book, lady? You're too dumb. I'm too dumb. I'm just a dumb broad man. You're too dumb.

I'm too dumb. I'm just a dumb broad man. Yeah. Actually, it was really funny because all of a sudden they realized. I'm one of the reasons they went to four decks. That's a nice claim to fame. It is. You should have your picture up somewhere in the Cheaters Hall of Fame. I think it is.

God, the Counters Hall of Fame. I think it is. God, the Counters Hall of Fame. Please. Either way, four decks lets me lose for longer without having to sit through a shuffle. I'll tell you what, trying to count through four decks, you have to reshuffle your frigging brain, man. That's where I think the only good time to do methamphetamine, that would be one of those times.

Hyper aware. I'm hyper aware. I can see through your soul. I can see through your bulletproof vest. Yes, either way. Remember Pink Flag. I was never on any drug. I was never a connoisseur.

When acid came out, I was always at the end stage of the drug. I did blotter acid. That was pretty much all there was to choose from. I came up in a generation after the liquid this and the fucking

sugar cube that. It was all... I never did that much of it. But pink flake cocaine. I get... What? I've never heard of that. Cocaine is just...

Peruvian flake. And it was pink and it was just unbelievable. I've never been in any situation where I could pick a brand when it came to cocaine. Well, when you saw it, it was pink flake. Do you have any cocaine whatsoever? And is there any more? Those are the two kinds I got. There was some and more or none.

You're not really a discriminating consumer. I've only, a few times in my life, have I had cocaine that really actually numbed your face where you rubbed it on your gums and it numbed your gums. Never, like, you know, and I'm fucking old. actually numbed your face or you rubbed it on your gums and it numbed your gums. Never. And I'm fucking old by my audience's standards.

In 47 years, 27 of those that I've fucked with drugs. No. Three times maybe. The numb your gums shit. I don't think that's cocaine. Well. How do I know? What do I know? The numb your gums shit. That's not... I don't think that's cocaine. Well... What do I know?

What do you know? I'm just a dumb broad. I'm just a dumb broad. When's the last time you did blow? The blow here is horrible. I just say no. I just say no. I don't care for pink snot.

You can still get the pink flake. You just choose not to? Jesus. No, I'm talking, no. Pink snot. That's the after effect. That's the after effect. Oh, the bloody snot. That's shitty coke. Forget it. Yeah. It's just um...

Good cocaine makes you want more immediately, but this cocaine just makes you want actual cocaine. I love it. Just snorted all that and there's nothing. Oh, it's just a waste of nostril energy. I still like the ritual, though. I like the chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Yeah, chop, chop, rolling up a dollar bill. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Yeah, chop, chop, rolling up a dollar bill.

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Good. Yeah, do you have to piss at any time? Well, I'll let you know before I... I didn't bring my deep pants, so... TheShadyDell.com That is where you stay if you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell me you're staying at the shady dell and i'm in town i will have a beer with you i won't hang

out that long we're not going to be good friends i don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself but if you're staying at the shady dell.com vintage trailer park with all 50s 60s trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there. Come to the shady Dell.com sponsored by, I might even come in and, uh, clean your toilet. I don't know. Margo Wallenberg.

Will you be in Vegas for the, uh, September 27th, Doug Stanhope extravaganza. I'm certainly looking forward to it. Dear. We'll be Saturday night shows'm certainly looking forward to it, dear. It will be Saturday night show, Sunday football in the sportsbook all day.

And all the pleasures, the plaza. Can I bet? You would remember it as the Union Plaza. They've gotten rid of the Union, but now it's still the plaza. Downtown Las Vegas. It's one of the old school, old filthy Vegas. It's one of the old school, old, filthy Vegas.

Might even be mob run still. Like some guy that's in the witness protection program, and they go, hey, you know the last place they'd ever expect to find the mob? Vegas. Because that was when Vegas was great. So the plaza is like that. It's Fremont Street.

I remember the Four Kings down there. I don't know if the Four Kings is still there. It's Fremont Street. I remember the Four Kings down there. I don't know if the Four Kings is still there. Four Kings or Four Queens. Four Queens. It actually still is there. Is it? Yeah. I think that's like a boutique hotel now.

Really? There's the Golden Gate. I actually made the most money I ever made in a play was at the Four Queens. Well, now you can go back and lose it and break even and apologize. Repent for all your cheating. I never cheated. That's not what the mob says on their Facebook page.

We should start a mafia Facebook page. A mafia Facebook page. I love it. So wrap up the commercial. Don't you have a link on... Oh, yes, September 27th. Come to Vegas and it'll be the only time I ever hang out with you

for an extended amount of time. Hey, people email you, like, hey, I see you're playing in Austin. If we could just chat about some stuff. I have some ideas I'm thinking about getting into comedy. I can't fucking chat with you in Austin, Texas. I have fucking ideas I'm thinking about getting into comedy. I can't fucking chat with you in Austin, Texas.

I have fucking 800 people there, and 700 of them are friends of mine that I have to hang out with. So, yeah, we're not going to grab a quiet drink. If you want to fucking bug me, I'll be in Vegas. The only time to ever bother me for the rest of my life is if you come to Vegas Saturday show,

and then you can annoy me all day Sunday. While we watch football. And I'll be the guy going. Wait wait. Oh fuck. God damn it. I have 700 bucks on this game. One show.

One show. Sounds familiar. So yeah. Get a room for two nights. It's downtown Vegas. I found. Like I was searching for that. I love downtown Vegas.

It's absolutely fantastic still. I'm it. I was searching for that. I love downtown Vegas. It's absolutely fantastic still. Seriously, I love it. It's the closest you can get to Reno without having to go all the way to Reno. There are links on DougStanhope.com on your update, which by the way, you updated finally.

Go there and there's a link to the plaza for hotel rooms as well as for tickets. All right. Yeah, and here's an insider's tip. Go to Expedia, put in the address of the plaza, 1 South Main Street, and search hotels by distance. And you'll see right across the street, maybe they're half the price. I'm not saying the plaza doesn't have the best prices.

I'm saying across the street. Check that out. Not even a big street might be half the price. If you want to spend $9 instead of $11. Exactly. It's cheap as shit now. Are you serious? There's rooms up there for that?

We found $9 rooms. You guys are kidding. In the summer. We came through three weeks ago. We were in Vegas, and there were $9 rooms. In the summer. We came through three weeks ago. We were in Vegas and there were $9 rooms and we decided to go up a little bit. It wasn't the Motel 6. We got a suite at the Plaza

for $79 when we were coming through three weeks ago. A suite. Two room suite. Turns out Doug didn't need it. He spent most of your time. You're so bad. Triple G. You're bad.

Triple G. That's what Margo has nicknamed Greg Chaley. Triple G. Ask for the Triple G discount when you go to DougStanhope.com and order merchandise. That's it, man. Triple G discount. Yeah, Triple G discount. I'm all for it, man. There's no such thing.

But anyway, back to Margo. Oh, that's perfect. There's no such thing as Margo either. Check, check. This is the Doug Stanhope Podcast with our guest tonight, Margo Wallenberg. She didn't hear it.

I have my hearing aids. No, no, no. This is Doug Stanhope. And our guest tonight is Margot Wallenberg. I want you to talk with me. I'm going to talk. Now you talk. I'm going to talk. Now you talk. I'm going to talk.

Now you're going to talk. All right. Seeing how close to your voice that was, I was just checking that. All right. We've poured cocktails, and now we're back. Oh, God. And that break, hopefully you drop in some advertisements. Okay, I want a little

grapefruit. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's really grapefruit juice is the problem. It's whatever they soak the shit in. Well, it's grapefruit flavored. Grapefruit flavored. Let's go back to

you. Last night you were telling me, and I couldn't understand it. I used to do something and it bled into civil rights and then you're fucking doing a song and dance in some redneck's house in Alabama. I don't know. I don't know either, but I had to leave San Francisco. Who gets thrown out of San Francisco?

Yeah, I threw myself out of San Francisco. I had to leave. And I joined a company called Empire Producing Company. I traveled around through the United States of America and did these hometown shows, and I literally traveled by public transportation. Hometown shows. That was what I couldn't wrap my head around.

What does that mean? Okay. The fucking dog. Hang on. Please hold. Chaley has to go. We beat the dog so badly that he's had three different appearances

on Sarah McLaughlin commercials of beaten dogs. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. But it was... Where am I going here? Oh, no. Okay. I had to get the fuck out of town.

You had to get the fuck out... Why are you whispering off mic? Oh, okay. You're doing a Roseanne Barr on us. Roseanne Barr, we just drank with her in Hawaii. She had half a tequila and went just, she was shitty drunk. It was fantastic. Half a tequila?

Half a tequila. You don't have to whisper off Mike. Half a tequila. Half a tequila. Half a tequila. Half a tequila. I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy I'm here. I mean, this is delightful.

We were just talking about you were joined, you got thrown out of San Francisco, so you joined up with this. Oh, the Empire Producing Company. Doing home events, what was it called? It was called Empire Producing Company, and I events? What was it called? It was called Empire Producing Company. And I traveled around the U.S. And I put on a home.

It wasn't home shows, but shows to... Sell houses? No, it was to help, like the Rotary or the Elks or whatever. All right. You know, a fundraiser thing. Okay. So I would go in, and I would stay with the town's widow, which is just wonderful.

And, of course, they told me everything about the town because I'm out of town so I got all the inside story because I'm leaving in a couple weeks. And I would come in and I'd gather these kids together and I'd put on these hometown shows and

taught kids to do high kicks and all that stuff. Back in those days my my 38-inch inseam enunciation. I feel like we're doing drunk history. One time I was in a little town called Maynard, Texas, just south of Austin. And I was staying in this two-story old ranch house called Maynard, Texas, just south of Austin. All right.

And I'm staying in this two-story old ranch house that, you know, frame sucker. And this dear lady said, Margo, go shut the windows. And I go, and she said, the locusts are coming. So I ran upstairs. I got a crutch and stuff. So I run upstairs, close all the windows, run down

to the first floor, and we sat there on the first floor. We're still looking down onto her yard, and this horde of locusts or whatever herd or pond or whatever of locusts turn up. They come in. They fly into the goddamn yard. They eat everything.

They eat everything. And as the locusts are falling, all the chickens in the yard are eating the locusts, and they're falling down. It was one of the most impressive things of my life because it was everybody overdoing it. And then the locust said to Margo, don't hold my ears, honey, I know what I'm doing. They ate everything.

Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing. It was a trip, man. That lady was so grand. She was just such a wonderful person. Was there some civil rights angle slant on this story last night? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Because I was doing that during a civil rights trip. And I told you about the guy when he came in. No, that's what I'm getting to. I don't remember. I know you told me something. Well, maybe I what I'm getting to. I don't remember. I know you told me something. Well, maybe I remember. Let me see if I remember. Okay.

I'm coming in from San Francisco. I read when I'm traveling. I'm just an avid reader. I love the written word. I like the spoken word too, but not necessarily the Bible. But anyhow. You pointed at me. I thought I was getting a slam. I like the spoken word, but not necessarily Bible. But anyhow. You pointed at me. I thought I was getting a slam. I like the spoken word,

but not your stuff so much. No, no, no. So I walk into this waiting room in New Orleans and this guy comes up and he puts his face within about 12 inches from my face. He's got a W.C. Fields nose

and he has spittle and it's in my face and he asked me, are you a negra? I go, no, why? First of all, you're very, very white. Why would he say that? Well, it confused me right off the bat.

Well, no, why? He said, you're in the Negro waiting room. And the guy had to spit it out. I picture this as N-I-G-G-R-E. No, N-I-G-R-A. What do you call that? N-I-G-R-A. That's the way he pronounced it.

Negro. Okay. But still, I picture that little apostrophe on top of the A. Go ahead. Anyhow, I'm going, apostrophe on top of the A. Go ahead. Anyhow, I'm going, no, I'm not. You appreciate the written word. I imagine it. Actually, I didn't say I don't think so.

I don't know. I don't know. This is before you did the DNA testing to figure out you're actually not a Negro. Octoroon? No, no. What's a K Kosovo? Croatian.

Croatian. I don't know. Maybe there's Negroes too. Croatian, Scott. Yeah. There's no Scottish DNA. I mean, Jesus Christ. So anyhow, I realized at that point that everybody that I've been sitting there,

I'm avidly reading my book. I'm not checking out my neighbors. They had all got up and moved away from me because they thought I was a shit disturber. All I was doing was reading my fucking book and trying to change buses. To the whites only? Sorry.

Well, I didn't know they had white. They thought you were an agitator. Like you were trying to start some shit. Yeah, exactly. Because you're in the, well, you aren't in the whites waiting room. A 513 white broad in the Negro waiting room. And when he asked me, Negro, I said, I don't know why. And he goes, you're a nigger, I said, I don't know why.

And he goes, you're in the nigger waiting room. And I realized at that point that when I sat down, the negros had moved away from me because I thought I was a shit disturber. I was just trying to read my fucking book. I'm just a dumb girl. I'm just a dumb broad, man. I was naive. Maybe naive. Colored?

I wore a pink skirt. I should sit over here. God. It was amazing. It was just. But didn't you end up at someone's house? Was that after this whole negra thing? I end up at a lot of people's houses.

Yeah, you hoarded around in your day oh I was hoarded I was hoarded fucking classic that's why you're here man I loved

I mean I went one time I got into a bus as I say when I was, one time I got into a bus. As I say, when I was working for Empire Producing Company and doing all this. Empire Producing Company. I have a fraud telemarketing background, and that's one of those vague names that screams red flag.

Empire Producing. International Productions. American Distributing. So ambiguous, but sounds huge. Yeah. Introducing international productions. American distributing. So ambiguous, but sounds huge. It sounds like the kind of place you would, you know those scams? I would love to meet anyone who did this fucking scam, now that I think of it, is where you travel around in a van, town to town, knocking on doors, selling magazine subscriptions

or whatever. They will take like hordes of kids. There was always an ad when I was at that age, like 19 or whatever, where you could travel the world and do this and they just put a bunch of fucking kids who are ready to just put all chips. Travel the world.

It's like the army without the contract. All of a sudden you're in a van of 12 people and you have to go out and bang on doors and sell magazines and you you're living like four to a motel room or six to a motel room it's this wicked scam that i've never heard anything like i've never seen movies about i've seen some movies like the fraud telemarketing I did. Wow. You're kind of stuck. You owe your soul to the company store kind of thing. You never have the money to

leave the store. I owe my soul to the company store. Boom, boom, boom. I've seen the fabulous give off. How can I think that I can do the fucking base to you? I can turn you up. But anyway. Yeah. If you've ever done that scam or I was trying to find old people from the fraud telemarketing

days in Vegas from the late 80s, early 90s that I did. They had fraud telemarketing scams in Vegas? It was the second biggest industry when I moved to Vegas. Really? Next to gaming was fraud telemarketing for a small few-year period, five years maybe. Boiler rooms, what do they call them? Yeah. They call them what? Boiler rooms.

Advertising specialties. Boiler rooms. Ad specs. And the basic pitch is you've won one of these four awards. All you have to do is buy three of $400 worth of pens. And send us $500. Toner was the big scam when I moved to Vegas, to L.A. when I was 18. Called Toto.

Toner for copying machines. It's a whole different scam. Really? I'm teasing this. I'm teasing this because I want to... Anyone, call the burner phone. Hey, I remembered. 520 366

1078. If you ever worked in fucking boiler room telemarketing. I'm not talking oh yeah. Really? If you were in toner or ad specs in LA or Vegas, I want to fucking talk

to you. That's the only job I've been fired from. We were trying to sell solar heating. You guys are serious. It was a total scam. Because we would lie to them straight out that there were tax savings

that you're not taking advantage of. And this was full of bullshit. That's not a scam. Where is your conscience? That's not a scam. Triple G, Greg, where is your conscience? This was like going, this is specific scams I'm talking about. Everything's a scam on some level. I'm talking toner or ad specs in Vegas. What do you mean toner?

The people that fucking know what I'm talking about will know. Well, what is toner like? Tom Konopka. If you can find Tom Konopka from American Distributing in fucking 1989. He was the funniest guy in the world. He was the best comedy team before I ever did comedy.

Go ahead. Sorry. That was for the listeners. Okay. What got you into comedy? I always think, I don't remember my youth at all all but I remember writing down ideas

for jokes long before I ever did comedy so I guess I always thought about it but then when it became so big in the late 80s there were open mic nights everywhere and I went oh I could actually do this there's a lot of so do you think

these everyone that's listening knows my story. Well, I don't know your story. Well, we have about 10 minutes and then we... Okay, good. We have 10 minutes of Margo. I want the fucking world to know you because I love you. Our first idea with Margo,

Silent Sewer, if you're listening, is a fan that sent me her book of erotica. Which, first of all, erotica is so dated. I'm embarrassed to remember jerking off to Penthouse Forum. Because that was before pornography was readily available. And you'd read stories. And then I sucked his dick. and you're like fast forwarding wait where does she suck his dick in this because i gotta jerk off i'm 13.

so she's still writing erotica which is so embarrassing anyway and i remember one of her stories started with my my mother died and my father didn't want me anymore. I'm going, really? This is erotica? That is like depressing. That's how you start. That's your opening. That's fucking depressing. And besides that, there's dicks and there's cocks.

And cocks are far better than dicks. So my first idea to try to entrap Margot to get over here was just to read lines of erotica. And then he cupped my womanly breast. One of the few times I've ever performed in this town, because I practice the don't shit where you eat rule, I did an impression of Margo Wallenberg doing phone sex. Oh, that was... What are you wearing? Oh, God.

I came in like two minutes after you did the performance. Everybody's just fucking falling down. What are you wearing? Hi, this is Margot. What are you wearing? One of those protective suits for when a dog attacks you. Something to that effect.

There's ice in there, Margo. Oh, I'm certainly happy to hear that. Oh, you're getting down to my... Oh, wow. Oh. She's about right. Yeah, yeah, that's fucking... Margo's hitting it.

Half a bottle of Hornitos in 50 minutes. What's a woman to do? You're just a dumb girl. I'm just a dumb broad. For those at home, that dumb girl is with the knuckle in the cheek movement with a twist. Okay, now you're caught up. It's a orange twist. Cheers to you.

All right, one more quick. I think you need an adult beverage. No, it's looking pretty. I'm going to get it. You will never see me without a drink. I am worried sick about you. I have an internal thing. I'm getting you started on a story,

and then I will make a drink while you talk. And the story, again, we wrote these down, flashbang last night at the bar, but you were talking something about Monterey and the mafia that was trying to get the Beatles. Okay, I used to handle the transportation of the Monterey Jazz Festival. And I worked with a gentleman called...

I can see you as a bus driver. Sit out and back, Beatles! With your mop hair! You'd be like a runner, right? You'd get things for them, or you'd pick them up? Is that what you were doing? No, no. I just handled transportation for the jazz festival.

It was pretty trippy. I call up Dizzy Gillespie. Hey, I'm Margo with the Monterey Jazz Festival, and we need to name, and I had all the inside numbers for all these guys. I need the names of your band. And Dizzy's going, you hear a party going on in the back. You gotta be shitting me, baby.

I said, no, Dizzy, I need the name of your band members. And how many, there was always, when they traveled, they had a half-air basis because they didn't put them in the hole. Hold, hole, whatever. H-O-L something, D-R-E.

And you got to be shitting me, baby. I said, no, I really need to know. I mean, I don't know how they do it today when you can't switch names or anything. I mean, my God. It was insane. So I had all the indoor phone numbers for everybody. Everybody, everybody, everybody.

All the indoor phone numbers for everybody. Everybody, everybody, everybody. So, get to the mafia part. Okay. Well, I worked for Jimmy Lyons, who used to do a lot of notations on... I don't... You people are too young to remember it, but they used to...

They'll Google it. That's the great thing. LP is... LPs. Long playing. Yeah, you know, big, fat fucking records. That's the great thing. LPs. Long playing. Yeah, you know, big, fat fucking records. And they weren't fat. They were just large and slim.

And anyhow, Jimmy said, Margo, I want you to help me, blah, blah, blah. So Jimmy Lyons brought in the Beatles for the Mafia. The first time the Beatles came over actually was now you can check it out, but there was a Mafia group that had joined up in San Jose or somewhere like

that. And I'm all into blues and jazz. Jimmy Lyons comes back. He says, here, Margo. And he gave me these things with strips of the Beatles slept here and there were sheets they slept on. I thought, oh, those fucking asshole mop heads.

You know, I just didn't think they were my kind of music. And I threw them away. I could have retired like 15 years music. I threw them away. I could have retired like 15 years ago if I'd kept them. But you wouldn't be here with us. That's right. I would have retired. I've probably been in Monterey.

I might have been in Bisbee. I love Bisbee. Were you married when I got here? Oh. Nine years ago. Now I don't think so. All right. If I was, it was... I'm not coming on to you.

I'm just asking. Oh, damn. I'm heartbroken. No, I don't think so. I had two husbands. The first one was a Billy Mitchell bomber pilot in World War II, born in Poland. one was a Billy Mitchell bomber pilot in World War II. Born in Poland.

And that was the first one. He was one of those both of my husbands had IQs over 140, 142, 148 or something like that. I knew like intelligent men but boy they're

a motherfucker to live with. But I learned a lot from them, you know? Are you just single now? Absolutely. So I can have my callers find you on Facebook

and pitch woo at you? Can they pitch woo at the Margo? Let me tell you what I'm looking for. I'm not really looking for anything. But I would love to have a gentleman friend who can pay his own way. Always a bonus.

And is capable of original font. That's the tricky part. That's the tricky part. And appreciate me. Oh, you raised your cocktail like you appreciate me. I know what you're saying. You raised your cocktail and looked at it when you said, I appreciate, don't fuck with my drinking.

No, actually, just accept me for who I am. And that's pretty tricky. You know? I'm not an easy woman to be around. I'll meet you this far. How about we have a secret relationship where we see each other a few

times a year. We don't fuck or kiss. You come over here, we have cocktails and cigarettes and no one ever knows it's a real relationship seems like just a vague acquaintance

I'm saying we're having the same relationship that we have right now but it's under the covers because we're secretly we see each other at Safeway we give a wink so nobody knows. Sly little

slide of the eye. We sleep in separate beds in separate parts of town. I fall in love at least three times a day. It might be someone on TV. It might be someone on Facebook. I fall in love a lot. Let me tell you, at my age, I'm always amazed that sex occasionally rears its ugly head.

It's horrific. God, and I go, oh, I still have it in me. Or, you know, I still have those thoughts. They still have it in me. Yeah, well, I'm hoping. No, but it's really funny because... No, it's not funny at all. It's as drastic as those horrific images you see of Palestine.

That's what sex with people our age is like. Oh, hey, you're not my age. What's this we shit? Well, it starts at my age. It ends with your age. You're at the age that she was a cook at a dude ranch. My age, it's a bullet hole in the chest. At your age, it's a kid

with his fucking hands cut off. Either way, it's not pretty. Life is beautiful. Life is. Sex gets ugly after a while. I've never noticed that. You were always faced the other way.

Well. With a muzzle. If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, darling. That was phone.sensory. Chakrasperre. That's a ringtone. Do it one more time.

If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. Chakrasperre. That's Shakespeare to you guys who speak English. Throw a motherfucker at the end of that. How about a mammy jammer instead? A mammy jammer? I think that's podcast. Do we have anyone to thank?

Hey, wait, no, we always let, when we have a guest, you get to be sponsored by anything you like. We don't have... No one actually sponsors us, but we always say we're sponsored by things that we like. I am sponsored by the Bisbee Blues Festival. When does that come to town? Soon.

Soon? Hey, look for that soon. Soon. The Bisbee Blues Festival. I think I'm out of town. It's coming in. It's August. Look it up.

Google it. Kids, all they do is fucking Google. They pause this. They Google it. You know what fucking upsets me the most? What? Is that kids don't even communicate directly. They don't even look at people.

Staring at their phones. That's because there's someone they'd rather be talking to than whoever they're stuck with next to them. I think they're just stuck with their fucking phones. I can argue either side of this, which way you want to go. I can argue strong and hard. Really? Either side.

I find it wicked annoying until I get one of these dumb phones and you're like, why would I try to make up conversation with this asshole next to me at an airport bar when I can talk to someone I actually like and never talk to anymore? I really like to look at people in the faces and discuss things

with them. I don't even like that. I like that. Generally, I'd rather talk to the asshole at the bar just to look at his face because I don't like to... Anyway. I want to make up a bumper sticker

called If All Men Are Assholes, Does That Make All Women Assets? You can't say that on our program. It's a program for kids and Christians. I want to make up a bumper sticker that says, I break for yard sales except on Cochise Row.

That's a local reference. That's good. I love it. Local reference. Zing! Oh, man. I'll tell you what. Koshy's row. Hey, I got a fucking laugh here. You at home. You listener on your fucking podcast at home.

I just got a big laugh from Margo. And that means more to me than fucking you will ever mean to me. And thanks for tuning into our podcast. If you have any. I'm serious. Anyone who ever did toner in Vegas in to our podcast. If you have any, I'm serious, anyone who ever did toner in Vegas, in L.A., or ad specs, boiler room telemarketing back in those days. And there's our chorus of barking dogs. That means the javelinas are out, and that's the end of the book.

It's a chihuahua. It's an attack chihuahua. I trained attack chihuahua. It's a chihuahua. It's an attack chihuahua. I trained attack chihuahua. I can tell. All right. I was going to have... Next time we have Margo, we're going to have her read Erotica from Silent Sewer. And that's sewer in the French spelling of sister,

not the sewer that erotica is. You're so full of beans. We're going to make that into a ringtone. All right, thanks, guys. Oh, God. All right, that was a podcast. I had so much fun fucking counting cards, man. I'm telling you what, they want to take me to fucking back rooms.

It was scary shit. Was that the best time that you had? If you look over your life, all the shit you've done, and we haven't got to a millimeter of it, if you look at the one era of your life, era, era,

error. I really enjoyed being a con artist in Vegas. Always to this day, I said the only true art is con art. Yeah. It's just amazing to me. I had this turned off, right? Yep.

Okay. As far as you know. I had this lover who thought I was a dumb broad. And he said, oh, I always thought you were a hustler up in Vegas because I threw a good light. You asshole. I mean, I have just enjoyed my life. I have lived my life.

And I never existed in my life. I lived my life. And so, it's so precious that you need to live your life. Don't exist. You know? I'm gonna be a fucking blunt. Uncle Harold.

Uncle Harold. Uncle Harold. You were counting cards at an age, like you're going back 30 years. Oh yeah. You're counting cards and I'm a year away from that age where I'm existing my life. I just, like, sit on the couch and I'm like, oh, I'm too fucking tired to do anything.

That sounds good, but can you smoke there? Can you drink there? Instead of me going there, can you just come here? There is a huge difference in those days where you could smoke and drink everywhere. That's why I love Mad Men, if you go back that far. Oh, God. It's a terrible show.

It's really a fucking soap opera, but when you stage it with that smoking indoors. The Pan Am, all that. Yes, I have fucking Pan Am. I wanted to be a stewardess Yes. I have fucking Pan Am. Oh my God. I wanted to be a stewardess, but I was too fucking tall. The height limits were

5'8". I'm 5'13". I mean, I was a fucking loser. See, you take credit for the four deck chute at a blackjack table. You could have taken credit for this six-foot airplane.

If you put all those skills that you put towards counting cards. So I ended up working for Western Airlines. Western? Western. Western. The only way to fly. Please hold. Please hold. Just keep her talking.

You're not recording. You keep talking. You're not recording. No, you keep talking. We're not recording anything. He's going to take a leak. But you're always talking to the microphone. I suspect. Western Airlines, keep her talking. That was the only way to fly. You were a stewardess on Western Airlines for how long?

No, I couldn't be because I was too tall. I thought you said you actually became a stewardess on Western Airlines for how long? No, I couldn't be because I was too tall. I thought you said you actually became a stewardess. No, I could not become a stewardess because I was 5'13". The limit was 5'8". You know, I was way over the limit. A tad. Yeah. And that's okay.

But it helped me get a sense of humor. I either had to have a sense of humor or just kick the shit out of everybody. There you go. I remember I used to... Look at the glass. Oh, my God. Oh, get out the glass. Oh, my God. Oh, get out of here!

Oh, shit. I am so happy. Cheers. Thank you, darling. This is so sweet of you. I have Pan Am tie tacks. I have all sorts of vintage airline shit. I love it.

Wow. Doug came back in with a rocks glass with a Pan Am logo on it and gave it to Margo. I transferred a drink and gave her her drink in a Pan Am glass. Sorry, you were drinking out of Delta earlier. Oh, my God. That's disgusting. Well, it's the best. Back in the day when I was doing all that travel stuff, I knew all the women and the reservations, all that.

It was, you know, late 50s. It was a different scene then. It really was. Yeah, no. One time I had some clients that came in to see a Monterey and they're literally I'll never forget them Mr. and

Mrs. Henry J. Crappershits I can't fucking make this up it was just like oh my god and they're going look Mar, nobody believes we're real. We are, and that's our name. Listen, don't make fun of my name.

I won't make fun of your voice, all right? Can we get through this transaction? My voice wasn't like that then. When did your voice change? Sorry, we're not interviewing a 12-year-old boy. When I got the polyp plantation in my throat. Polyp plantation is really what it's called? Well, I call it that.

It's a polyp plantation in my fucking throat. She's got a bunch of polyps on her voice box, right? Yeah. Yeah. But anyhow, I call it, and I call it my friend's. Because I knew her back in the day the late 50's you knew everybody

in the reservations and stuff and I go Margo I said I'm not shitting you their name is Mr. and Mrs. Henry J. Kraposchitz Henry J. Kraposchitz with a K I I'm assuming.

I, yeah, it was just like, and a Z on the end. I assumed that too. Oh, my God. And I remember my friends had the gay bars up in San Francisco, and they'd say, back in the day when they would raid the gay bars and they call me up and say Margo bring all your girlfriends here we'll just whatever you want because they needed some broads there right and I turn up and they would just fucking bring us goddamn great bottles of champagne.

It was just, what a great trip. That's actually, the gay man's muscle would be lesbians. Because no one hates lesbians. I mean, the powers that be. Oh, let me tell you right now. I just like lesbians who wear khakis and those khaki shirts with the collars on them and the butcher cuts. I don't find them attractive. You've gone too far on this, Margo.

You'll never be mayor of this town. You know how many times they've asked me to run for public? I say, you're fucking kidding me, man. My old man's MIT main mayor time, ship's officer. I want to be at the dock when he turns up with my hand on his crotch and my hand on his wand.

That's a true story. All right. We keep pretending to end this. My first, I was a Billy Mitchell bomber pilot in World War II. He was what? Enunciate. A Billy Mitchell bomber pilot. What's a Billy Mitchell bomber pilot World War II. He was what? A Billy Mitchell

bomber pilot. Billy Mitchell bomber pilot. What does that mean? Billy Mitchell. There's a bomber named after Billy Mitchell. Who is Billy Mitchell? I don't know the guy. They named the bomber after him.

He told me he was a fascinating man, another fucking genius. I don't know why I'm so attracted to geniuses. They're really hard to live with. He told me about, he flew over Ploesti. You got pictures?

Go ahead. He flew over Ploesti in World War II. And he said, they pull up this map in the morning, and they pull up this map, and they say, here's where you are going, Enunciate. And this one guy in the back said, I'm not going. This one guy in the back said, I'm not going. They flew over Poeste, and when they came back, this guy had been removed because he was too bright.

He just said he wasn't going to do it again. Stanislaw Mikuls Karpinski my first husband was born in Poland his family was over here but then they knew the shit was coming down and so they went back to Poland his two older sisters

were born in Hamtramck and then they went back Michigan yeah we played Hamtramck, and then they went back. Michigan. Yeah. We played Hamtramck. Did you? Oh, yeah.

Really? Yeah. It took me forever to figure out how to say that stupid name. Hamtramck? Yeah, there's missing vowels in it. I don't like it. I don't know how it's spelled, but. Yeah, there's a missing... He told me his parents woke up, they woke up,

and it was like all the signs were changed from Polish to German or some shit. I can't remember exactly, but... That would be the name of your biography. This is Margot Wallenberg doing an audio reading of her

autobiography. I can't exactly remember. And here's my husband. He used to buy me this most wonderful, sexy clothing. We were living in a two-room cab. Overalls? Two-room cab with an outhouse. And I came home one day, and there he was in my special sexy clothing

with putting on makeup. And I said, Stan, it was... I saw a picture of your mother at your house. Good looking woman. Isn't she? Good fisherwoman.

Carrying a line of... A stringer. A stringer of fish. Yeah. Hey, very interesting. No kids. No kids. You have no kids?

No, I had... A polyp population? A party on your vagina? No, actually... Your uterus? I had... A cock? Many. All right, we're getting to that fucking drunk history part of...

Okay, let me think. I don't have kids. Are you trying to remember if you had kids? That'd be funny. Did you have kids or not? No, I had a lot of baby makers, but I never threw a kid. Never finished a job.

Good for you. I did the best I could. Oh, you wanted kids? Are you kidding? I had great parents. Fabulous parents. I was raised with the most open-minded,

wonderful people. I was curious about... I was raised an agnostic. Wow. I'm so fortunate. Did they even have that word back then? Well, I don't know, but

I figured that's what they were doing. We're going to call part two of this Drunk History with Margo. Margo doesn't even know this show, Drunk History. I'm certainly glad you're not recording this. We would never record or tell you to talk closer to the mic when we're not recording. We're about ready to start, actually. Yeah, we're going to...

Ready to start the podcast? I told you, we're not going to start for a few drinks. You guys are so full of shit. Oh, see. If the fucking dogs don't start the cats. My parents, I got curious about religion, you know, because like I said, I was raised pretty much, I would think as an agnostic, not an atheist, but an agnostic.

I don't know how to actually differentiate. How do you differentiate? Agnostic, everyone is agnostic because no one knows. It's just you admit you don't know. You still don't fucking know. I was raised an agnostic. Everyone's an agnostic. I was never raised an atheist, whatever that is.

What's the definition of atheist? The difference between, I've said this in my act, is the difference is I say I'm atheist because when I say I'm an atheist, I'm discounting what you believe. I don't know as much as you don't know, but I know that your dumb theory is probably wrong. I know that your dumb theory is probably wrong.

Agnostic is like saying there could be a Batman. I just don't know. Well, you know there's no fucking Batman, so stop. That's the difference. I say atheist where everyone's an agnostic. Okay. It's just some... You know, I feel that organized religion is one of the most

detrimental and devastating things in the world well you wouldn't be wrong but people don't really want to think. I understand that to some

extent. Okay. Let me ask you this, Mr. Stanhope. How many people do you know that are capable of original thought? You don't have to answer right away. I don't. You'd have to really break that down.

Original thought? Is there such thing? How many people are capable of original thought? And I prefer to surround myself with whoever they are. I thought I was capable of that before the internet.

And now you can Google any idea that you have and someone already thought of it. What was the one thing where I go, fuck oh really that's interesting we we thought of something oh no no hobo no hobo yeah no no homo is an expression the homo it's an expression the kids use like hey man i'd love to come over and hang out with you no homoo. Like, I'm not saying that in a gay way. Hey, Doug, that shirt looks great on you. No homo. Right, like dudes talking to dudes.

I'm not a homeboy or what is it? No homo. Like, I'm not being gay. Not homosexual. Oh, that's interesting. Hey, you look really good. Hey, that haircut looks really good, dude. No homo.

So that's an expression. Oh, that's fascinating. I think it was James Inman we were doing it. No, it was Junior. Junior Stopka. No hobo. No hobo was a play on that. Like, hey, I want to crash on your couch.

No hobo. Like, I'm not a bum. I love it. Well, I fucking, we Google it. Oh, a million people already thought of it. There's guys with t-shirts. Yeah, no shit. We thought we were geniuses for a second.

It was an original thought for us. But it was an original thought for you. As technology progresses and the universal mind comes into actual being, where you can read it online. Yeah. Oh, some guy in Singapore already thought of that. Yeah, it might be original to you. It's not original to the

world. I'm so glad that we're on the other side of this fucking life, lady. We didn't leave litter behind. We have no children. We're just gonna fucking die and let them deal with the problems. And you know, I still use my cast iron fucking

frying pan. You know? The same one from when you were in... I used Granny's Fork. No, the one that all the Mexicans were intrigued with in Alamos. They blew their minds away.

Do you have the same cast iron skill? Of course I do. You still have the same? Oh, fuck it. We're going to come to your house and get a picture of that for part two of this. They were so... I swear to God, that's idiosyncrasy.

If you could kill any person alive today, celebrity, politician, whoever, if you could kill them, who would it be? I don't think I want to kill anybody. You have to. This is one of those Why are you going to kill them?

If you have to kill someone. Putin. That's just because it's recent. That's the problem with it. See how weak I am. I'm weak. You would have never said Putin three months ago.

Actually, I don't want to kill anybody. You're a Manchurian candidate. You have to kill someone. I'm going to program your head. Who's it going to be? Alive or dead. We'll go alive or dead. Hitler.

It can't be Hitler. No. You already said that. It was a little bit can't be Hitler. Okay. What about... All right. In town.

Give me. No, no, no. All right. All right. That's the end of part 1.6 of the podcast. Let's go. Let's eat some hummus and some shrimp cocktail. Done.

Out. Drop the mic. I never want to kill anybody. I do all the time. I've thought of it. But actually, I'll tell you what. I really want to stop recording.

Hey, that was the end of the drunkenest podcast we might have ever aired. Alright, that was... Please hold. Duh, duh, duh. Hey, that was... Please hold. Duh, duh, duh. Hey, that was... That was a podcast

where I tried to keep up with a 75-year-old woman. And it's drunk history right at this point. And I'm shit-faced, and that was Margo Wallenberg. And this is The Mattoid. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- your heat, it's party time. Smile your smiles and blow your blues, it's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time. Oh baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time, yeah Oh baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks

It's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Everybody! Grab your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time One more! Grab your craps, fuck your fuck

Six part the time Here we go Part the time Part the time Part the time Party time! Party time! Yeah! Party time! Party time! Party time! Hey! Party time!

Party time!