The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #40: Doug, Chad Shank and Alex O'Meara play the Day Drinking Game.

Episode Date: September 16, 2014

Bisbee residents Chad Shank and author Alex O'Meara drink, smoke and talk with Doug. Doug introduces the world to the “Who Would You Rather Day Drink With?" game.This podcast sponsored by -Chocolope from the Green Farmacy in Bisbee, AZ.Popov VodkaRecorded Sep. 02, 2014 in the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty) and author Alex O’Meara. Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes. Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more (and possibly less too). We're working it all out. Either way, register now at dougstanhope.com so you don't miss out.Thanks for listening. See you at the merch booth.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I like about you in the end. La, la, la. Hey, this is next week's podcast, which is actually minutes after the last podcast ended, because Alex O'Mara is still here, as is Chad Shank just shuffling in, looking bedraggled.

You have the faraway eyes tonight. I had to argue with myself a few times to make it. Well, I'm always glad when you do. But if you're even nervous about coming, sometimes I go, maybe that's the best thing to do. Well, I'm not nervous about coming. I just don't want to really be around people. I was just around you guys two nights ago, and then I still hate myself over that. So I'm waiting to have to space it out.

Yeah, we did that yesterday. We did the roundtable of everyone was really shit-faced, so everyone calls everyone else to make sure everyone's good. Still friends. Yeah, especially you. If no one else, I always remember to call you because I wake up in that same state of drunken terror of I made an asshole and all my friends are gone and they finally left me and they finally saw through the veneer. That's exactly it.

They saw through what I really am. I just wanted to say, Chad, it's really nice to see you as well. Good to see you, sir. All right, let's get's exactly it. They've saw through what I really am. I just wanted to say, Chad, it's really nice to see you as well. Good to see you, sir. Alright, let's get back to it. I got a list of things I want to complain about, but before that, because this is what I was talking about with Chad Shank, and you never answered the question,

the game is, this is how the game works. It's just finding two people that's difficult to choose between who you would rather day drink with i went with the bukowski versus hunter s thompson because i like a slow burn day drink i don't want to go straight to fucking crazy you don't want to do that kind of shit during the day no you want someone solid. It's the difference between doing acid at night or doing acid during the day. It's completely different trips.

One has more light. How's our volume, by the way? I have no idea. Can you hear yourself? Yes, I can. Can you hear me? What? Yeah, I can.

All right. Can you hear me? What? Yes, I can hear you. Okay. Really well, by the way. I always love it when the sound man is a smart fuck. If he needs a sponsor, I'm smoking Chocolope from the Green Pharmacy in Bisbee.

Chocolope, which is the pop-off vodka. It is definitely bottom shelf. Of the weed store. Bingo asked him yesterday, so what kind do you smoke? Bingo's actually, she would be a great interviewer if you could catch her in her moments. And there's a certain drink, like the old episode where they say, oh, that's where you become Professor Barney. Barney gets to a certain level of drinks and knows everything. Bingo becomes, she wants to know everything about you, like Barbara Walters.

And I'm like, you're a fucking fantastic host. She'll find the person no one's talking to and then just be so interested in everything about them and never not wanting to throw her story in there. Really, what's it like? A paleontologist. What's that like? Did you have to go to school for that? And she's genuine. And get things out of people like Howard Stern fashion. Right.

You know, stuff they didn't plan on telling you. Yeah. She's quite good at it. She'll totally draw them out just to make them feel more comfortable and have a better time. But it's like my stage hour. That's why I don't do two shows. I know exactly where to drink now to hit that sweet spot. And, yeah, you don't want to.

The second show with Bingo. No, you're not answering any questions. I've been interviewed by Bingo a couple of times. It's fun. You're a paleontologist. That must suck. Fuck you and your paleo. No, she doesn't get like that.

She just gets the big black charcoal eyes. And, you know, Bingo's not at home anymore. Michael Sam, good fucking cut from the Rams. Big depression going into – he's the gay linebacker. Openly gay. It hurts when – yeah, you develop a bit that you're so proud of, hoping that that's going to, through the season, and then it gets cut. The bit does not rely on him.

But him being in the league, first of all, would have been so much fucking fun. And maybe he gets picked up by another team. I don't know. But the bit. The Cowboys. If nothing else, Michael, Sam, you gave me a bit that I think will carry to the next album. We love you and the fact that you

fucking sacked that Johnny Football faggot. You know what? I'm going to use the... I almost dropped the word faggot. Just... It's too many of the wrong people use it the wrong way. And I still use it around the house, as I do nigger, when you're here. Around black people, yeah.

So why is the backlash? And on Twitter. Why is there this backlash against this kid who hasn't even started yet? He's done nothing, except been hyped. Who, Johnny even started yet? He's done nothing except been hyped. Who? Johnny Football? Yeah. He's a weasel face.

You can profile people at a certain age. You know when someone's a rat-faced, weasley douchebag. That's his move is to show up, put his hands up, and do the money sign when people are booing him. Like, yeah, I make money. Well, yeah, you're still – and he shows up. People are booing him. Like, yeah, I make money. Well, yeah, you're still.

And he shows up. I saw footage of him showing up at some frat party in Austin and then being booed openly at the party. And, like, just walking around. He's just a cocky fuck. He's like, he should be a rapper. He's that kind of. There's something wrong with him. He's peaked at, like, 22? No, he hasn't peaked.

He hasn't had his comeuppance yet he hasn't had his major downfall and it was a beautiful erection driving thing to watch him get sacked by the first openly gay football player twice in a game and i wanted to see that all season long by the way i just i just want to say a beautiful erection driving thing. Yeah, beautiful. I'm gay as shit. I'm gay as shit from Michael Sam. That's something I want to – that's my Bill Burr sports talk right off the top. Fuck you, St. Louis Rams.

You will suffer some horrific career-ending injuries. Someone will be paralyzed on your team from the bad karma that you have now acquired from dumping Michael Sam, who did a fantastic job in preseason. All right. My preseason Super Bowl picks? That's right. I'm picking the Bengals over the Washington Redskins. I said it. Really?

All right. That's the sports talk. Yeah. You can't pick the obvious ones. Pick something weird. That way you're a champion at the end of the year if it comes through. I'd have a job on ESPN. All right.

Notes, blah, blah, things. I wanted to segue from something we were just talking about. I don't know if it was Hunter S. Thompson or what. We walked out of here. I had a great idea how to start this show. This is the Doug Stano podcast with Chad Shank and Alex O'Meara. I don't know, sir. What was it regarding?

I don't know. All right. Something you said. Something I wanted more of. A Duma story? I just wanted to name-drop. I wanted to say Johnny Depp five more times is really what I wanted more of. A Duma story? I just wanted a name drop. I wanted to say Johnny Depp five more times is really what I wanted to do.

Honestly, it's really what you want to do when you meet Johnny Depp is tell every single person. What about when you and Johnny Depp watch football? He's a Dolphins fan, as is my girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We'll just drop his name all the time Throughout this podcast

Johnny Depp This podcast sponsored by Johnny Depp And his new movie Mordecai Coming out sometime next year So my fucking war with Citibank is what I wanted to get That's why I wanted Chad here So badly because

he shares the same hate. That morning hate when you don't have people to apologize to and call. You were just by yourself drunk. I wake up with that and I've had the pleasure of having Citibank be my go-to guy.

I got two credit cards from Citibank just for mileage. There's cards you get that you get just for the mileage. And then you go, okay, after you spent $3,000, you get 50,000 miles. And then you go, oh, good. And then I cut up the card. So I keep track. Then I get rid of both of those cards. And evidently, I had like a $96 balance on one of them that I paid online to the different card. So I overpaid that. And so they said they were going to adjust it. But then somehow I still had $96 left over.

And I'd get these robot calls saying, please call Citibank. This is not a sales call. Please call back. Any assistant can help you. And you call fucking india and india gets all your fucking information and what's your so and your full address and i know okay and i give them oh well that's a business card we have to transfer you so that's the first 12 or 14 minutes and then they get you to the business card they go oh this is in collections

now so and you then you fucking i've already been through two people and then you get to the business card they go oh this is in collections now so and you then you fucking i've already been through two people and then you get to the third person and then they say well you didn't pay and i go what is what's the account number and i go well i did pay that and then i realize i'm getting a check back every time i pay this and then i get a check a week later from city bank for the amount i paid and then I start getting collection calls again. And then I realize, wait, you're sending my money back to me and then keep me in collections. And then I have to go through the same process only every time I'm more irritated. So by the time I get to the second guy, I'm saying everything he's going to – okay, here's the last form of my social security.

Here's my address. Here's my date of birth here's my mother's maiden and then they go oh you're yes let me guess it's in collections now and i have to be on fucking hold again and this repeated to the point where it used to be just a home phone and now then it got to over over a month maybe two months of this paid it four times i have the checks out there i took a picture it with my cell phone of the checks they keep sending back to me and then keep putting me in collections. And then I'd say, I paid that already. We've been through this. Have you seen the movie Groundhog's Day? Because it's exactly that where I'm like, I'm telling you exactly what's going to happen next.

I know your next question. I'm answering it before you say it. And then you still disregard the fact that I told you, well, sir, you say you paid it, but there's still late charges that accrue. No, I paid it on the phone. This is daily. This was a month of five days a week of talking to at least three different people. And then you try to not call someone a cunt. Because, you know, you're going to have to start from scratch again. And then

one of the last times, the third guy in India goes, Hello, this is Christopher. May I help you? I go, See? We start with a lie. Every time I call Citibank, the first statement you say is a lie. Don't say you're Christopher and don't say I haven't paid this fucking bill.

Like I was overpaying it so there would be no late charges. And if I owed charges, they'd say, nope, get another check. I get checks from Citibank for all the times I paid them the money. And they finally, I think it's done because the last person I got after I told them on Twitter this is it, now we go to war and unironically they

tweeted back please DM us with your phone number we would like to escalate your issue use the word escalate after I said we're going to war, you say we'd like to escalate. Jihad.

So this last one said they, well, we can do it through a debit card over the phone. So hopefully that's it. But at the same time, I have no one to fucking yell at in the morning that deserves it. I have to take it out on someone else. Repo man's always intense.

Anytime you have to take it out on someone else repo man's always intense so anytime you have to like tweet like those impotent tweets airlines especially because everyone like fuck you you know whatever airline and what i do it i know it's just wasted rage because everyone does people, you have to understand I get shit, oh you know what all you entitled people bitching about the airlines if it didn't fucking crash then count your blessings and go fuck yourself

there's people who do have that sense of entitlement when they fly the food that's the most hackneyed premise in comedy is the bad food on airlines the peanuts and the thing and well it used to be how bad the food was then it was just the peanuts now everyone bitches that they don't get any food you just fucking pack a sandwich you asshole I understand you people who

think I fly for a living comics fly all the time and we can't bitch about it on stage because it is a hackneyed tired premise once you bitch about the airlines Seinfeld killed it yeah Ellen DeGeneres and oh my seat can go it has to be this far up which I still pisses me off but yeah I'm about to be a million miler with Delta.

I've flown over fucking this year, which is short. I've flown like 40,000 on United. You have flown miles to get miles, right? To get status. So you've actually flown miles at the end of the year. This year I started doing them at the beginning of the year. But not only around the world, but somewhere. Yeah, Australia, Africa.

Without leaving the airport. Don't leave an airport. Just fucking fly Africa to Amsterdam, back through Detroit and Vegas to Salt Lake and home. 77 hours of 57 in the air and never left an airport. Nor was I ever curious what might be outside of the Johannesburg South Africa airport. They have a smoking bar. I know that. The Red Lounge.

Yeah, I've done Johannesburg. It's not much. Yeah. But you can smoke. So when I fucking tweet, there's a problem. It's not just because someone was crusty with me at the at checking my bags the u.s airways sucks that's not based on one experience like other people who go fuck you u.s air because you know your flight got delayed and you fly once every three years to go see your fucking dumb cousin. Amateur.

When I tweet, there's a serious fucking issue. U.S. Airways has a lot of fucking what do you call it when you get a speeding ticket? A lot of things on your license. Points? Points. Points on your... Yeah, there's a... U.S. Airways sucks more shit.

And again, you can't bitch about it on stage. Yeah, US Airways sucks more shit. And again, you can't bitch about it on stage. So we get to hear about you bitch about it. Yeah, you get to hear me bitch about it. On Twitter, where they consider it hate speech. Have you seen that map of hate speech? What is that? On Twitter.

Oh, this is where people, the most hateful tweets come from. It's like, what do you know? If you look right there, there's a little blue spot by Bisbee. It's like a thermo-GZ. Map of the United States where the red parts are... That's Chad's glowing head.

Do you tweet a lot of hate? No, I don't tweet hardly. I never see you on Twitter. I think you think a lot of hate, so it shows up. I don't need to show my hand in public. Chad shows up. Yeah, I was taught...

I agreed to do this the other night drunk because I thought I was having court in the morning, but it's court tomorrow morning, so can't really get fucked up. I could not be fucked up at court. Have you ever... That's pretty much the best place to be fucked up, by the way. Not for Chad. Oh. Have you ever had, like, an incident in court? Have you ever had an incident in court? Because you seem like you can handle yourself in an authority situation.

Yeah, I've had an incident once where I had to be physically restrained from a judge in his private quarters. But it was fucked up. It was to sever the rights of my daughter's mother when she was little. And the chick didn't show up. Her mother signed the subpoena, and then she didn't show up to court. So instead of ruling in my favor, the judge threw out the case,

basically in her favor. And I lost it. I didn't know. I started climbing over the desk. The lawyer had to drag me outside. But I didn't hurt anybody. The lawyer fixed it. I had to pay him more.

Yeah, a lot more. I had to pay him more. Sometimes it's good to over-tip. Especially your attorney. It's just a matter of control. I just didn't control it anymore. I did say something hateful the other day. I should talk about showing my hand on social media.

But somebody stole my pressure washer off my front porch at my house. I live on a dirt road dead end. Oh, yeah. No, I've been there. Somebody fucking stole it. I'm still not over it. It's been a week and a half or two weeks. And every day I'd fucking, I couldn't go outside for three days because every day I'd go to the front door, I would remember that my pressure washer was right there and I was just seething fucking homicidal mad, trying to figure out who it is. The neighbors had had some shady people do some work on their house during the time that it happened.

So I told my wife, go down and tell the neighbors that you want the phone number of the people that did their work because we want some work done. The Adam Carolla move. I need some work done. I don't know if you've seen that show where he fucks with bad construction people. Yeah. I don't know if you've seen that show where he fucks with bad construction people. Yeah. And because I wanted to find out who they were, where they lived, so I go see if they stole my shit.

She said, no. Why not? Because you'll kill someone. Fair enough. So anyways, I finally posted. Chad Shanks is the guy that when that news story comes out, everyone's going to go, of course we saw it coming. Did you ever talk to that guy? He seemed all right. He referred to it all the time.

We had squares on the date. So I posted something to the effect of, is perusing the classified ads looking for the motherfucker who stole your pressure washer, could that later be considered premeditation? Well, I just wanted to, basically the only reason I did it was so that I publicly outed myself so I could cut myself off from the realistic thought that I kept having of, I'm going to find who this is and kill them. off from the realistic thought that I kept having of, I'm going to find who this is and kill them. So that way, if I put it in public that I was joking about it, then now I can't go kill them because, oh, fuck. Psychological fucking roadblocks. Yeah, if comedy could ever be held against you, you always have that out as a comedian.

You can say something completely real, but you're on the comedy stage, so he was kidding. See? Honk, honk. Floppy shoes. Kidding. Every time there's dead air. Chelsea Handler or Courtney

Love. Day drinking. Courtney Love. Courtney Love, day drinking? Courtney Love. Courtney Love. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm going Courtney Love. Yeah. Even though she might get a little out of hand.

I'm telling you. I think, yeah. But she's a day drinking pro. Chelsea Handler seems like she's still, it would take till nighttime before she lost that snotty cuntiness. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I think – all right. We get a roundtable on Courtney Love.

Courtney Love wins this round of day drinking. We should be – we should do this podcast day drinking, but we can do this all the time. Anytime there's dead air, you just come up. I'm not good at this game, but I'm but what about Tim Tebow or Michael Vick? Oh, definitely Tebow. Yeah, because get him looped at 8 a.m., yeah. If I day drank with fucking Michael Vick, if I drank any time with Michael Vick, it's three drinks before I start going, fuck you.

Like Alex – See, that's a con in your book. That's a pro in my book. That's why I'm choosing you. Really? Really? Because you want that to happen. You want that thing to happen.

Well, Alex – this was the catalyst for the round of apology calls is because Alex is this weird Catholic. We're not going to get into it again. I don't want to. But we get into it every time we drink. Only this time it was like four on one, pounding Alex about this weird – he just enjoys to believe in Catholicism despite all of its obvious flaws. It gives him some comfort to just believe that. But when we get drunk –

Thank you for getting it. Yeah, I get it, but then we want to beat on you because it's stupid and you're a smart person. I'm Catholic, yeah. That's fun busting your balls. Fucking three drinks. I don't even know if I get three drinks with Michael Vick. Where you go, you know what?

Sometimes the fucking N-word is all you got because I can't hit you. You become a guttural moron. Yeah, if you've been trained to fucking feel bad by that fucking mouth sound, I'm going to use it. Because I don't have jumper cables like you did with your

fucking dogs. Oh, wow. Yes. So Tim Tebow, I just give him shit like we give you about his dumb. Yeah. Jesus. Great. I'm going to stand in for Tim Tebow. That's a fucking good call, for Tim Tebow. It was a good, that's a fucking good call though. Tebow versus Vic.

All right. Seeing if I understood the game. You understand the game perfectly. All right. All right. Mussolini or Hitler? I don't know enough about Mussolini because he kind of lived

in the shadow of Hitler. I would pull pot. Ooh. He's good. Versus Hitler. Who would you rather day drink Hitler who would you rather day drink with I'd go Hitler because either Pol Pot or

Mussolini would still be living in that why do I always get compared to Hitler but Hitler gets all Hitler's always big shadow everyone gets compared to Hitler no matter what presidential candidate it is all he's it's always you know hitler's always cast a big shadow big shadow yeah you know everyone gets compared to hitler no matter what presidential candidate it is you know hitler did the same thing

in 1939 i did it in 73 better what about paul pot how come paul pot's never the guy hitler yeah so you wouldn't want to sit through that fucking agony now Now go for it. Day drinking. It's always Hitler. It's never me. It's always Hitler. Just let it go, man. Let's just have cocktails. It's a sunny day. You both killed a lot of humans, man.

It's all right. It's cool. You had your reasons. Fine. Your uniforms were better, Hitler. Yeah, they were great, man. I was going to do Joan Rivers or Roseanne, but I've day drank with Roseanne, and Joan Rivers, by the time this comes out, who knows?

Inappropriate. Well, right now you could drink twice as much if you day drank with Joan Rivers. I'm drinking for two. You get hers. The lady ordered these, but she hasn't come back from the restroom. Another round, please. She likes pop off. Trust me.

We had a fucking list going a mile long. Chime in with your. And remember, when you're going to tweet these at me, and at HDFatty, that's Chad Shanks, HDFatty with a Y. Yeah, make sure you know the game. It has to be a difficult choice,

and you have to understand it's day drinking. And if you don't day drink, you wouldn't even appreciate this game. It ain't just drinking. And if you don't day drink, you wouldn't even appreciate this game. It ain't just drinking. Well, that's when we talked about when we talked about the other night when we were drunk was from the Stern show, Beetlejuice or Eric the Midget.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's oh, that's tough. Well, it's Beetlejuice if he has a handler. Well, actually, it's either of them if they have a handler. Yeah, Eric, you'd have to help him pee and stuff. There'd be maintenance involved. Yeah, and he's such a small lad that...

Stern, I'm trying to match Stern up with someone Stern was like Stern would be someone that I would have a hard time hanging out with one-on-one like that's not when you were asking me on the last podcast yeah people I'd want to meet Stern was the guy that I wanted to do that If I had a choice of a Letterman or a Carson, I would be Stern. That was the fucking apex. But he's also a guy that I would be really uncomfortable around because you would assume he's going to be uncomfortable around you

no matter who you are. It's almost like Letterman or Carson are people, or I'm trying to think of actors you know, actors or people who have no personality outside of their gig. They're just sort of, they just fall off and sit there. Yeah, well, he's very open about the fact that he's basically like me. He hides at home. Yeah. He's not out cutting a rug.

Yeah. And he doesn't know how to talk to people at parties and i'm that guy unless i know you yeah but he seems socially awkward and would you want to but you know would you want to hang out with howard stern and get him drunk in the day and have him come out a little bit and find him i'm trying to think i'm trying to have an or i mean i'm trying to think of the more that would be uh offensive. Like Larry King or – No, no. Actually, Letterman is a great one because Letterman doesn't seem like he has any social skills whatsoever.

Nor would he want to be with you. That's true. No, he doesn't like people. Letterman or Stern. That's a good one. Yeah, that would work. I would go Letterman only because I was a fan since I was a kid and, yeah, I'd go. I can see Letterman loosening up drinking.

But not much. I can see Stern getting as paranoid drinking as I do smoking weed. I'm going to go Letterman. I'm also going to go Letterman as well. Because I think Stern tells a lot of his stories already. You know, like real transparent. Letterman's going to have some fucking good daydream stories. Yeah, he's got some skeletons that are going going to have some fucking good daydream stories.

Yeah, he's got some skeletons that are going to come out. And let me tell you this. Yeah, I fucked her. Really? You fucked her? Works for me, but what the hell? Then I had to tell people. Alright, so yeah, fucking tweet us with your, who would you rather daydream with tweets?

It's a long hashtag, I guess. Day drink. Yeah. No, because it's just saying two names. Day drink versus. Yeah. You're good at this. Yeah, you should.

You should be on social media. Thank you, sir. I'm very social. You were very social last night, as were we all. Fucking Steve Drew said words, and they were smart. Wow. He never says anything. He came out with Immanuel Kant and Bay Card.

He's a very smart motherfucker, man. Yeah, he really is. I knew he was real smart. For a guy who sits at home just reading textbooks and counting bullets. And used to be a sniper. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good you get out. Chad could take him under his wing. It's good you get out. Chad could take him under his wing.

It's okay, little buddy. Not everyone has to die every day. Let the women and children go. It's okay. Oh, the point of the story, and I mentioned it in the last podcast, is no one beats Bill Murray. If you can come up with a guy that wins the game, Bill Murray wins against everybody.

I agree. In every way. In the day drinking game. No, who else would you... I can't think of anybody. He's the fucking... This is one that will start fights on Twitter. Is the character, the big

Lebowski, versus the character The Big Lebowski versus the character Arthur. Wait, wait. The dude from The Big Lebowski. The dude. Right, right. Because The Big Lebowski, for fans, you got it. Yeah. The dude or Arthur. Don't fuck with the nomenclature. Not actually Dudley Moore

or, I don't know, what's his name? Jeff Bridges. Jeff Bridges. But the character Arthur or the character the dude. And I go Arthur just because he's wicked funny. He's fucking hilarious. I'm hearing you. Yeah. And he's picking up the tab. And he's not stoned.

Johnny Depp style. He's picking up the tab. Did I drop that name again? Have you mentioned Johnny Depp in the last? No, we did. Good. It's funny you bring it up because Speaking of Johnny Depp. I think Johnny Depp in the last? No, we did. Good, good. It's funny you bring it up because... Speaking of Johnny Depp. I think Johnny Depp would rather hang out with a dude. All right, Johnny Depp and who?

Daydream. Brad Pitt. Ah, those are both big stars. Super stars. Yeah, sure. I don't know. I think I'd rather hang out with Johnny Depp. He seems more cool.

First of all, yeah, I don't think there's anyone on that level That you can see That got really awkward like all of a sudden Like I couldn't imagine myself hanging out Maybe if Stan Hope was there day drinking I could get used to it otherwise I'd be the most awkward fucking guy at that bar So you're intimidated by Johnny Depp

Well not intimidated but what the I mean I wouldn't be able to say. I call Brendan Walsh and I go, hey, I'm at Johnny Depp's house. Then I talked to him for a minute about it because I was supposed to be flying out the next day and we delayed it three days. And then about 20 minutes later, I called him and I go, I'm at Johnny Depp's house. And he goes – I was just saying that to someone. I go, oh, is this Brendan Walsh again? I guess I've already been through my entire phone. I'm back Johnny Depp's house. And he goes, I was just saying that to someone. I go, oh, is this Brendan Walsh again? I guess I've already been through my entire phone.

I'm back to the bees. Yeah, Bingo sent me a picture of these guys. We took Johnny Depp to Target. That's awesome. What the fuck? We took Johnny Depp to Target. It's awesome. What the fuck?

The pictures of – we stayed at the Standard in New York, which is – it's over the High Line, whatever. It's this walking thing that used to be a train track or something. It looks like an old place. Meat packing district. Well, it's all windows looking down on this place that these people congregate. Well, it's all windows looking down on this place that these people congregate. And it's evidently known as an exhibitionist's outpost because you can just stand in the windows that are floor to ceiling. So we had big, like the first day I'm telling her, like, people are looking up. They can see you because she always walks around naked.

She said, I don't care. I'm like, I don't know if that's legal. Or just tacky. Yeah. Well, then we heard it was like that and so we woke up drunk one morning carlos valencia woke up drunk well me and carlos valencia crashed on my couch he doesn't know the fucking bisbee rules you guys fall asleep i encourage you to not drive drunk here but you know to get the fuck out as soon as you wake up. Now it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and Carlos is still there. I woke up going, thank God Carlos is not here.

And Bingo goes, he's still here. He's under that blanket. I'm like, ah, fuck. I just said that really loud. But the last thing I remember saying to him when we – in York fucking a hotel room is it's solitary confinement the fucking yes yeah every you know it's six by eight yeah six by eight and this has a couch that your feet are almost touching that we let him sleep on but then bingo's up naked and we see people looking up and we're like oh we should just do this for fun so we had her stand naked

in the window waving at people and went downstairs and took pictures from the High Line, which is a long walk to actually get outside and down to the stairway to the high thing. And then we came back up and we found a chipmunk mask. Let's do it again with a chipmunk mask. This is hilarious. We could have done that all day had we continued drinking. But then finally security came to the door and said, Ma'am, I think your shades are open.

Okay, I'll stop. But it's wicked funny. Find those pictures on Twitter. That's where I saw it was on Twitter. Hilarious. A couple of people said, is that a girl? A couple of people said, is that a girl? It's a girl, my girlfriend.

When I first saw it, I just texted Bingo a big long string of ha, ha, ha, ha. And a couple minutes later, I get a text back, and she says, chipmunk mask? And I just take the back. I said, yep. She texts me a couple minutes later and says, can you tell I'm naked? Yeah. Yeah, you don't realize how obvious it is. People are

until you go downstairs, and you're like, oh, that's it. This is probably some promotion by the hotel for PR. People are going, yeah, yeah, you're right. Oh, shit. So aside from power washers, which have been getting under your skin, obviously, what else have you been? Yeah, rile them up. I need to go get a pack of cigarettes.

What else have you been about? Anything? No, just the same type shit as Stanhope. I had a phone company deal. Go through the same shit. Talk to India. Yeah, and... Is it India or is it that they're not helpful? No, they're just not helpful.

Because I finally got through... I realized with CenturyLink, anybody that has CenturyLink, you can ask for somebody who is stateside. Really? And they transfer you. Or they think you're a dick and they hang up on you and make you start all the way over again. Those are the two options. I realize it's a do-it-yourself culture.

I mean, you have to really be vigilant about everything you're doing. You can't just call a company and go, uh, you know, which is frustrating. So you, what do you, I mean, you live at the end of a dirt road and you don't go out. And so what's there to be mad about? Oh, you're going to do the, okay. I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't, I don't like to be this way.

I'm aware of that I'm this way and I don't, I don't like. I'm not sure. I don't like to be this way. I'm aware that I'm this way, and I don't like it. Right. But I'm... When you say this way, you mean easily enraged? Yeah, somewhat, I guess. This is why I've been trying to talk him into doing stand-up comedy, because not only is he always fucking funny, but it's such an outlet for that kind of

rage that has, you can't punch the guy in the face. Louis Black does nothing but scream. I mean, almost nothing but scream. I mean, we talked about this the other night. I think I'd be willing to try Open Mic for therapy if I was in the right mood for

therapy. The problem is, Open Mic doesn't always go well. Well, I don't expect it. There's a reason there's so few comics. Well, I wouldn't expect it to. But it gives you an outlet for that just fucking pounding hate that you get just at the powers that be. All these things that you have no control about.

People suck in the world. Everything sucks in the world everything sucks in the world if you're looking at it like that and if you can make it into a joke it fucking releases all that hate because i we probably talked about this on a podcast i had all the earmarks of a serial killer growing up i did all those things that serial killers do as kids right and you wonder like would i have just started killing people at some point if I didn't find a way to make this into a career? So, yeah, we have the same hate. You should write some jokes.

When you first were on stage, it was to make jokes, not to vent. Right. At what point? It was to tell jokes to get pussy. Yeah Right. At what point? To tell jokes to get pussy. Yeah. Well, everyone has their thing. That's why I started writing was to, yeah. He has a giant dick that you could write.

I could tell jokes. There you go. I couldn't throw a football. But when did it get to the point of venting? When pussy didn't matter anymore. And all those reasons I got into comedy, like all those kids I hated in school when I was the fucking weird kid, and I don't even remember who they are anymore,

and now you're getting pussy, and wow, I still feel like I want someone should pay. And I started reading more and being more aware of horrible things on the planet rather than what song should I try to sing at karaoke. I would go my way. I detached from things in general for the same reason. I couldn't control it, but it was making me. Now, you were in the Army.

I was in the Army. You were okay with that? No, the Army I had. Is that where you started? That was where I got diagnosed as having anger-type problems, yeah, at first. But I didn't get kicked out of the Army or anything for it. I just had to attend. No, they encouraged it.

Yeah. Yeah. Again, they try to channel you in the right way. They try to channel you into killing people, but I'm trying to channel you away. When I was in high school, before I joined the Army, I tried to join the Marine Corps, and they turned me away because I had had too many assault charges.

I don't fucking understand that. You're their guy. Don't you guys kill people? I'm pretty sure I'm who you're looking for. Me. Over here, look, me. I have, I'm a psychopath, but I have just enough awareness that I'm not going to cause you any trouble.

I hold off pulling the trigger. It gets in my head. I say, not justified, not justified, not justified. Justified. Tap, tap, tap, tap. And then I know that when it goes to court, we're not going to be in trouble. Make sure interesting day at St. Frank. Ferguson calling.

Chad Shank, line one, Ferguson calling. And Line one Ferguson calling And that's why I don't become a cop Because those guys Are dicks Plus you'd have to Cut your hair And it's beautiful hair

Yeah And grow a mustache And all that stuff Yeah I can't grow a mustache This is the best I can do Really

I gotta get Fucking Hail Satan Is a friend of ours Thank God he has A weird nickname But He's a St. Louis cop. And if I had the time, I'd fly out there. You might have met him here.

No, but I've heard you talk about him before. He was St. Louis. Remember the two cops, good cop, bad cop, that came out? Yeah, yeah, sure. The first time the cops showed up at our Super Bowl party? And they – all of a sudden, I think the cops are going to go cop talk to the cops. Go, where are the cops, Dealer? Oh, they fucking hid.

They hid. You goddamn cowards. You made me deal with the cops. Your guns are in my safe. Yeah, that would be a fun one. I've got to avoid. I was on the road heavy during a lot of that so

I didn't realize how big it had gotten what Ferguson? Ferguson it got huge in a weird way and I wasn't even thinking about like

Missouri who cares you know I mean really it's just but it became this sort of bellwether for police brutality. And now you see a lot of things on Facebook about police brutalizing people and having more cameras and cops and all that kind of stuff. And, you know, I used to cover cops in Chicago.

I was a police reporter in Chicago. And they were the – Chicago cops are the worst motherfuckers. Most corrupt police station in America. in chicago and they were the chicago cops are the worst motherfuckers corrupts they're just station in america and and but they uh would give me shit did i just say police station police department but they would they would protect me you know at certain times and i felt like it was sort of like oh louis from the mob likes you yeah it's like hunter s thompson with hanging out with the hell's angels exactly until they turn on you exactly cops are great yeah they're great until but anytime i'm pulled

over by a cop i'm i'm i'm always polite i always say sir i'm never solicitous i'm never you don't give a story but just be a person and i and i what i think of cops is that they have a blue collar job it's a blue collar job but you get gun, which is different than a plumber or whatever. Oh, you don't just get a gun. You get all the toys. If you read – here's a plug. This is a sponsorship. Radley Balko's book.

I don't know if I gave it to you. Maybe I gave it to you. It's the – Rise of the Warrior Cop. Yeah, the militarization of the warrior cop. Yeah. The militarization of the police force. And you give these guys all these fucking toys. All they want to do is use them. Yeah.

Tasers and fucking... Even in Bisbee, you look at... They have SUVs, which we have no reason to have. And you look at the setup in there, and it looks like the Starship Enterprise or something. I mean, there's shit. there's a war game going on it's crazy shit i mean it's guys who play video games or something and so you're always polite

to cops you're always honest because if you lie you're in trouble just for the lie you know it's like nixon or something but you're in trouble if cops want you to be in trouble you can't go through a day without breaking a law and i agree but also cops are the first people you call when you're in trouble. Because you have to call a cop. You can't fucking kill the guy yourself. Right. Well, we're in Arizona.

We can't. I fucking hate that. One of those Twitter things where someone said exactly, oh, but yeah, that's the first people you call when you're in trouble. And you can't put the diatribe into 140 characters where you go you don't have the right you would be arrested if you try to take the law into your own hands you have to call a cop i don't want to call a cop i'd rather fucking settle this with fucking i'm fucking uh winking a nudge to chad shank who needs some tent money i have i need a new pressure washer pressure washers by the way i didn't because my pressure washer was stolen for that very reason.

Right. I don't want the cops to come out there and deal with it. No. It's gone anyway. Right. And I don't want the cops out there. And if I come across who took it, I don't want the cops to ever have been involved. So what do you do when you can't trust the cops?

Really, what do you do? you can't trust the cops? Really, what do you do? You don't get in trouble. Yeah. Well, you know, your taillight's out, you didn't know about it or whatever. Then don't have fucking weed in your car. I did a bit about that. It's a bit...

Thank God. Oh, Australia dates! I didn't plug those. It's great. There's a bit thank god oh australia dates i didn't plug those it's great there's a chunk from that i had to cut out from that last cd i had to cut out 25 minutes the last special because i had to fit it into a roughly an hour and that's one of the bits that now i can do in australia because you're not tired of it and i haven't burned it on a dvd so so i have less trepidation going to australia than i would the uk where they memorized every word i've ever thought and when i already heard that mate but yeah don't if you're going to be a criminal don't fucking advertise it but most

criminals are stupid so they'll have the taillight out they won't do them you know because well i really didn't check my car on the meth and, you know, all that stuff. So, and they get in trouble for the small thing that leads to the big thing, hopefully, you know. So you're saying stupidity is what perpetuates the economy. I think most stupid people, most people in jail are stupid. And they might not be criminals. Most of them are. But to them, they're not.

But when criminals take it on as a personality that's what bothers me yeah that where that's my thing i'm a criminal and look at me i'm like well then don't bitch about the cops fucking with you they have a job and they might be abusive at it you have a job is to avoid them don't go i'm over here's cat and mouse. I've hung out with a lot of people that are exactly what you're talking about. Usually what it boils down to is that they can't function outside.

They function better just being locked up. Somebody can take care of them. They don't know what to do if they're out. It's better to just, I'm a criminal. Look at me and go and get, as soon as you get out, get back in. That's their persona. That's who they become to themselves. Right. Which is another reason the prison system doesn't work.

It makes you a worse person. No, you go into prison and you learn if you're not much of a criminal beforehand, by gosh, you will be when you get out. Or if you're not much of anything, it's an easy way. If you don't have high aspirations, you get taken care of. It's almost like the opposite, the people who stay in school forever. And now I'm getting my doctorate because they can't function outside of a fucking classroom. They just keep perpetuating their education because they don't want to go out into the real world. Which is their persona to themselves. Right.

Only they're not fucking dangerous. I guess you could make the argument, yes, they are. They're the ones who learn how to make nuclear bombs or whatever your dumb argument is. Plastic bag ban. Sorry, this does segue. In Bisbee, they banned plastic bags through the city council, and it's arguable whether it was legal that they could do it without putting it to

a vote or some shit. Either way, I like the plastic bag ban. I just don't like the fact that it had to be a law. Couldn't you just get fucking Safeway to agree to not do that? I hate that they have to have a law, but then that's the whole problem with libertarianism.

But you're dealing with a corporation who will do nothing unless it's in their own interest. You're counting on the decency of people, where as much as most criminals are stupid, most people are fucking slobs and they still throw shit out. And that's why the fucking cactuses are covered in plastic bags is because people are slobs. So do you have to have a law?

Maybe you do. That's why I've waffled on libertarianism because you can't believe people are just inherently good. A seatbelt ban and other laws that people tried it without it for a long time until they realized there was a need for it generally. Not in particular. No, seatbelt. That's random taxation. That's a way they can fucking charge you money. You're not, no one's getting a fine for having a plastic bag.

That's really for the environment. Right. It's not like the paper bag lobbyists come into Bisbee. Seatbelts actually save lives. And before 19, there were no seatbelts in cars. It's not like you see dead bodies splayed across the cactus like you do plastic bags. You want to fucking go through a windshield, go through it. Just because some EMT has to

clean that up, that's your job, gig. Well, and we always come to the same conclusion when we talk to this stuff every time. You have a certain percentage that's going to be a douchebag and throw their stuff out no matter what. Like you said, this used to work. There didn't used to be this many people. When you get more people, your percentage of douchebag goes up.

Every single argument we have or every train of thought always boils down to overpopulation. Yes. Did I mention babies on airplanes? That would segue this right back to fucking – Just it was a morning hate thing. I was going to bring up that awkward pause when we were talking about airlines and I was going somewhere with this is morning hate. about airlines and I go I was going somewhere with this is uh morning hate airline I just as soon as it starts at the ticket counter builds a TSA and then I have cocktails and that doesn't

always help and I got bumped up on United because I'm a frequent flyer and bingo did not so I you know I usually if we're traveling together we trade trade off. Okay, next upgrade is yours. So she got first class and I sat next to the middle seat had a woman with a crawling toddler, like screaming, but also enough arms to just touch and grope me. And I wanted to walk up and say, listen, I'm being inappropriately touched by the person next to me. Videoed it. Yeah. I'm still drunk when I get on the fucking plane. That was a long trip. New York to L.A. to San Francisco.

And every night is some fucking weird shit happening. And now I'm fucking just sweaty and drunk and that goddamn thing. And I walked up to my seat after i go baby you take the first class seat and i'm like the first row of coach where she can see me and she sees me and i see the baby and i i i like like i was theater acting went jesus christ no please no like audibly loud stinking drop and when the thing had touched me i'd go god damn it don't touch me i didn't say fuck like i get out i'm leaning over into the aisle like away from its reach like Bad touch by a baby.

You shouldn't be allowed to do that. I can't talk about it on stage because it's hackneyed. If you have a fucking baby, don't put it on a fucking plane. If you do, what you're saying is, I don't give a shit how many people's trips I ruin because this baby needs to be in Denver. Your baby doesn't need to be in Denver. I was a baby. I never had a fucking reason that I needed to be in Denver.

I didn't fly until I was 18 because my parents were decent people. Yes, your fucking baby is going to ruin people's flights. Why does it need to be there? Fucking Aunt Kelly is what? Make Aunt Kelly fly to you she doesn't scream or touch people inappropriately that thing was so fucking i did the whole full-on eye mask bo's headphone put a blanket over me and then it's still ah you can hear it through the fucking bows and then it's touching me like stop the thing. Stop it. I was, yeah. And you go, I'm a cunt flyer.

No, you are, have so little compassion for your fucking fellow human being. Oh, shit. But you're talking about, you know, when people have money, when they first get money, the first thing they do is,

and this is true down the thing, they move away from people. Talk about overpopulation. They move to, well, it's a gated community or it's a long dirt road with a gate. Anyway, that's you. Or they buy an island. Oh, as soon as Chad Shank got that fucking nest egg,

he's hiding. When anybody has the mark of sort of success is to get the fuck away from people. No one moves to the inner city. I will counterpoint with New York City and Manhattan. Okay, go. And they own the whole floor and they don't have to interact with anyone, have a private elevator and have to talk to anybody and they get into a Cadillac or whatever it is and they get to their place without having to interact with the city. They're in their own little island, basically in that place. But they're isolated.

It can be done, but it would be difficult. I'm definitely grateful of my situation where I'm truly isolated. I have a house tucked away in Old Bisbee where no one knows it's there, and I am so grateful for that. I've never even been invited to your house, but you know I don't go out. I've invited you. You have arrived. But the point is that the first thing you do when you have some whatever is to get the fuck away from people because there's so many of them.

I did. Well, no. I moved to L.A. first to try to get noticed. Well, no. Well, I moved to LA first to try to get noticed. Yeah. And once you get to a point where you don't want anyone to notice you, you realize that you're a bag of shit. You moved to Bisbee, Arizona and you put up a metal thing. You know what's weird about this town is there's not really many kids here.

Children. There must be. Children? Yeah. This is a kind of neighborhood. When we grew up, you'd play kickball in the streets and stuff. You don't see many kids out. I think it's probably because kids do shit inside now, like play video games.

Right. So they're probably around. You just don't see them. But you just don't see kids, which is fantastic. Yeah, I think kids just don't play kickball and ride bikes and shit. Do your kids go outside? My kids are grown, but when they were little, they did, yeah. Yeah, I think kids just don't play kickball and ride bikes and shit. Do your kids go outside? My kids are grown, but when they were little, they did, yeah. Yeah, did they?

Occasionally you hear a bit of a ruckus on Black Knob. I went to, when I was in Kampala in Uganda, the first thing I noticed was there were children out playing. Let's back up a second and explain why you're in Kampala, Uganda. Oh, I was doing research on a book. You were doing coke with Idi Amin. Did I tell you that? Once I met Hunter, he said, Idi Amin, he's a

crazy fuck. You think you have good coke. You've got to party with him. You've got to go to Kampala. This was just a couple of weeks ago. You didn't sign your Ebola waiver before we sat down with Alex? Let me breathe on you. Let me breathe on you. Let me bleed on you.

Hold on. But no, I actually hadn't noticed it was missing until I got there and I heard children out playing. And I realized, both living in Tucson and before that I lived in Richmond, Virginia and other places, but you never heard kids out. When I was a kid, we're always out. We're playing stuff and whatever. Street hockey and stickball. God, I sound old. But people were out.

And now they're not so much. And maybe they're in playing video games. I don't know what they do. I don't know. Netflix. Watching the movies. Porn. Kids are all watching porn now.

HD porn. All on the porn hub or the Red Porn or the Tube Smut. Oh, the old Tube Smut. The old Tube Smut. Henry Phillips is doing the Tube Smut movie. There's a comic named Drew Hastings who's really funny, and you guys know Henry Phillips is a comic named Drew Hastings. He's really funny. And you guys know Henry Phillips.

And he's such a technophobe. And he hates all the social networking shit. And he's an old guy. So Henry, just to fuck with him, he's like, I finally got a Twitter account. And he's like, oh, Twitter, that's kind of, yeah. No one really uses twitter anymore everyone's on chumster do you have a chumster account he's like i don't have a chumster account i'm not getting a chumster account that was a great henry phillips too that was good that's a

that's an impression of mike mccae doing an impression of Henry Phillips. Just like Christopher Walken. One guy did a Christopher Walken, and then everyone else that does a Walken is doing that impression of the Christopher Walken. Yeah. So, yeah, that's Mike McRae's, yeah, I can't do it now. Have you heard Gene Connors' Christopher Walken? Have you heard anything but Christopher Walken? Okay, he does it a lot.

He just told me, Gene Connors is our councilman. We call him our congressman, but he's our city councilman. He's cool as fuck. Senator. Fucking good-looking, white-haired man. Spencer Tracy-looking. Unbelievable. Fucking strong dudelooking, white-haired man. Spencer Tracy-looking. Unbelievable. Fucking strong dude.

Should be mayor. Yeah, and he just told me, he came over the other night and told me that he actually did stand-up in Chicago for a while. Did he really? He did sketch comedy. Wow. But yeah, he breaks out as Christopher Walken as any time he gets a chance. Which is always funny when you don't expect it. If a comic's doing Christopher Walken,

you want to fucking bull rush him off the stage. But if your city councilman stops over for a cigarette, you bust out Christopher Walken. It's a tough impression. Alright, I think that's a podcast again. Any other hate you want to throw in this? I think Chad needs more hate. I had lots of hate, but then I had so much fun podcasting with Alex that all my hate dissipated.

You're okay on your hate? It seems like a good vibe. I don't need to spew any hate. Citibank, you can go fuck yourselves, and I know that's not going to hurt you on any level anywhere. And that's why I fuck. I've had the ceo's name i did this with uh mci back when they were a phone company before bernie ebers went to prison the ceo of mci henry phillips and i both got our first cell phones from mci and we had a no roaming no whatever package and then we get our first bills for like seven or eight hundred dollars

like double our rent and then you try to call mci customer service and they just wouldn't answer i one time literally on hold for two hours and 45 minutes before i finally hung up you couldn't get anyone on the phone so i just found bernie ebers the ceo his number and i just called his office every day this is doug stanhope i need to talk to bernie is he around they go what's this regarding it's personal he knows just and then you put me on hold uh he's not available can i take a number and i give him my number and then i call the next day yeah bernie around this doug stand up again just i we probably missed uh calls and i did this up until he had his fucking assistant dude call me and go why are you leaving all these messages and i told him you fuck me over you don't have customer service you

know it there's no one that answers those phones and you're fucking me and my friend over and i'm not paying this bill and he said eventually after a couple calls with him we're gonna forgive the bill i go i want it writing i'm not gonna do that well you fucked me over when i signed this contract and now you're trying to fuck me and my credit for all this money which i don't owe and i can't so why would i take your word out well you're just gonna have to take my word and then a couple years later Bernie Ebers fucking just like an Enron situation he's still in prison to this day so you know what

next time someone fucks you over the cable company I found this guy when I said we're going to war with Citibank I found the fucking CEO I can't remember his name now he's from fucking Connecticut I know that yeah and that's where we're going just go straight to the top and harass their fucking office I can't remember his name now. He's from fucking Connecticut. I know that. Yeah, and that's where we're going.

Just go straight to the top and harass their fucking office of the top guy and just, yeah, be relentless. Don't talk to – don't wait for a supervisor. Find the CEO. Find out where he lives. And, yeah, mail him letters. Call his house. Make friends with Anonymous. That's the end of this podcast.

Who did I say we were sponsored by? The Pot. The Pot. Oh, we have Chocolope. Chocolope. From the Green Pharmacy in Bisbee. Hey, grab yourself a nice warm plastic jug of pop-off, smoke some choc-a-lope, and forget the whole thing ever happened. Good night.

This is the Doug Stano Podcast. All my dates are up on my website. Austin, San Jose, Philly, D.C., Australia, and a whole Midwest run in October. I think Chicago's in there, Columbia, Missouri, everywhere. I'm fucking everywhere. Find me. Play the Mattoid. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Laugh your laughs and heat your heats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time

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