The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #44: Vegas with Steve Poggi, Glenn Wool and Mat Becker

Episode Date: October 17, 2014

San Francisco comedian Steve Poggi joins Doug’s Vegas podcast with blackout drunk stories. Glenn Wool and Mat Becker are along for the ride. If you feel lucky or want to temp fate why not try a King Jager. It’s 1.5 oz. each of Crown and Jager topped off with Red Bull to taste. Enjoy.This podcast sponsored by Comedy Booker Eric Yoder - http://www.funny-business.com/Show Links-Steve Poggi - @stevepoggiMat Becker’s ‘Near The Wild Alaska Podcast’ - http://nearthewild.podbean.com/Glenn Wool - @GlennWoolRecorded Sept. 29, 2014 at The Plaza in Las Vegas, Nevada with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Glenn Wool ( ), Mat Becker (@houdini357) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Thanks for listening. See you at the merch booth.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I like about you in the end. La, la, la. All right, we're live. Who dat? Hotwire. If anyone in the audience needs to do anything or take a loud dump, it's time to do it down the hall.

All right. It might be to do it down the hall. A lot of good shit stories this weekend. We're here with Glenn Wohl, Steve Poggi, Matt Becker, Greg Chaley, and a cast of characters in the background. Full house. We're still in Vegas, hanging out.

Double down. Split threes. I don't know where to start. Fucking Glenn Wool has had at least half a dozen stories where I'm going, I got to fucking write that down and tell it on the podcast, and we've just been too animal drunk to even get to a pen. Well, I'll go just,

yeah. Dive into that one Australian one or New Zealand or it was Australia. I was on, Hey, I'm going, I'm doing an Australia tour. So great segue into remind me to plug my dates after this. I was on tour, and we were in the middle of Australia

where no one ever really goes, and the food is horrendous, and I just wasn't eating. Like what horrendous? Oh, it's like chicken schnitzel and just fucking gross. Well, it's the food in the middle of a desert where only minors are. You know, not like kids. UK food is like just they do it wrong and there's no appropriate condiment is always the thing. But this is just weird, bad.

Yeah, it's just like bar food and expensive, too, because it's like for minors, you know, so people there have money and I just, just couldn't eat it. And they were getting really worried and they were like, you got to eat some. I was like, trust me when we find a place I like to eat, I'll, I'll eat a lot of it.

And we ended up, they took us to Uluru, Ayers Rock, the big rock. Like national park or something. Yeah. And they Air's Rock, the big rock. It's like a national park or something? Yeah. And they had this barbecue place there. It was like fresh kangaroo steaks and corn and potatoes.

And I fucking went nuts. I ate like two big plates of it. And then we drank a bunch of beer. plates of it and uh then we drank a bunch of beer and me and the tour manager had this idea that in the morning we were gonna drive to uluroo from the uh from the hotel and run around the rock uh just in the morning because it changes colors too in the perceived change colors so uh and i had to do a radio interview afterwards. So wake up. How much did Tom Rhodes influence your decision? I normally just sit in a bar and eat kangaroo steaks and get shit face.

But Tom Rhodes goes out and does stuff. He sees all the sites. Yeah. Oh, this was a different time for me, too. I was a lot healthier back then. So I could fall asleep in the room, and my phone didn't work in Australian. So I didn't have a clock, and I didn't...

By the way, it doesn't work here either. I just tried to fucking call you for this podcast, and it goes, the person you were calling has a voicemail that hasn't been set up. Oh, thanks, fucking comics. You all suck. It works.

I just didn't want to talk to you. Did you notice it was my voice who said it? A sleepy sounding voice. Sorry, Doug. Glenn's phone doesn't work here. Try again. Try him in an hour. His phone will work then

So So you're out in this Am I in this hotel? I don't know what time it is But I wake up And I just figure Like it is way later than Than running around the rock time

So I have the cup of coffee And a muffin that I'd had from the day before Just waited for the phone to ring So that I could do this stupid radio interview. Phone rings, I pick it up, and it's the manager. He's like, come on, we've got to go run around the rock. I'm like, oh, fuck, oh, shit. So I just put all my running gear on and run down to the lobby, and we get to the rock, and I'm like, I have not.

How far is that? It's like a 20 minute drive. And I just figured there'd be a bathroom there, but it's like, it's a national monument, I guess. And you can't dig a fucking pit. I don't know. Pit shitting? Yeah.

So we're starting to run around this thing and I've got like a fucking slow bowling ball. It's moving through my system of all this meat and a brand muffin and a cup of coffee. That's actually how you load a musket. Which I'm sure would have brought back a lot of bad memories for the Aborigines around the rock. So we're starting to go, and it's starting to get lighter, and the rock's changing, but I really need to take a horrendous dump now. And people are starting to come around the other side of the rock,

so I'm in a position, like, I have to shit outside, but I don't, like, there's no place to shit. It's the Great Wide Open. It's the Great Wide Open, but I figured it out. There's these signs because it's a quite a, it's a spiritual place. It's the Aborigines' existing chapel in in many ways and there's these special parts of the rock where they say you can't take a picture of that that is very serious to them if we catch you taking a picture that's a five thousand dollar fine so i took a big shit in front of the thing

you weren't allowed to take a picture of because I figured it'd be my word against theirs. How badly you want to rat somebody out. It's the fact that there's no toilet paper, so now whoever finds that, it looks like an animal has done it. It's like, I don't know, a cougar broke out of the jail or broke out of the zoo and ate a bunch of

corn for some reason. Kangaroo corn. Yeah. And a Zagnet bar. So you took a dump on ancient, sacred Indian burial ground. How's your luck in Vegas been?

Well, I didn't max bet the royal flush at the bar. Oh, that's right. You saved some money there. Fucking Glenn Wool hit a royal flush yesterday with two quarters in. And then he's bragging to me. Look, I just won $120. Fucking Glenn Wohl hit a royal flush yesterday with two quarters in. And then he's bragging to me.

Look, I just won $120. I go for 75 cents more, you would have won $1,219 on the progressive, you fucking idiot. Well, if that's my ancient Indian curse. It's more of a Jewish curse. That's one of the tamer ones. You ever seen Poltergeist? For fuck's sake. This guy's been kind of lucky for the last 10 years. Even the Al Sharpton-looking bartender

waved his head in disgust at you for only having two quarters in. Well, I don't know if you guys think you're so fucking cool for knowing about video poker. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. Thank you very much. We remember that from the early days.

Never play less than the max. Australian tour starts. I won't be anywhere taking a shit by a rock, but I'll be in Brisbane and Sydney and Melbourne. You don't know that for sure. I don't know that. I've never seen some. I don't know. You'll. I don't know that. I've never seen some. You'll be lucky if they got a rock.

Perth and... Are we going to New Zealand? Yes, that's on the books. Is that... All right. Well, it will be by the time this ever gets released. It's not on the site. It doesn't matter. Well, I'm just saying.

By the time. There's going to be more dates. There'll be more dates out. Yeah, just check some fucking things. Bacon and Newsy. They're in Auckland. They've got one of those things where there's like a big tower in the middle of the city and you can jump off and on like a.

It's not bungee jump. It's on like a line and then it slows you down right where you get to the ground. And I did it, but the one thing... I hope this is a poop story again. Honestly, they make you do it in these jumpsuits that they've got, these sort of like fucking flashy jumpsuits. And I'm like, you want me to jump off a building in what is basically the same pair of pants that everyone else has jumped off a building in what is basically the same pair of pants

that everyone else has jumped off the building in? Not everyone's going to deal with that properly. You put on your Evel Knievel suit. Yeah. Brown stain in the back. Yeah, the brown goes to the back.

You're putting it on wrong, sir. You want a video? Yeah. We have a video, yeah. I want the video of the last guy. Yeah, yeah. It's huge in Germany, these videos. You can sell that on in Berlin.

eBay. Don't worry, the glass top table will break your fall. Why is that Japanese businessman smiling so much. I was in Aberdeen, Scotland, and I ate some Marks and Spencer grocery store day-old sashimi salmon. You always save money with day-old sashimi. We went to Mai Mai, but he hit the wrong button on the vending machine and as soon as i get on stage i just felt the the coffee pot gurgling in my lower intestine and i just tried to pace it off and i was pacing like a fucking cougar as chris rocking it back and forth across the stage trying to walk off this dump

and I know it's going to go away eventually, you never have to and 20-25 minutes in I had to go, alright ladies and gentlemen surprise intermission, I'll be right back go help yourself to a cocktail at the bar and I ran up the stairs, the shitter's up the stairs, I'm pushing some fucking

security guards out of my way and just made it to the toilet and destroyed it. But it worked out fine because that's a common practice in the UK is to have an intermission and we always just say, no, we're not doing that. Fuck you. Yeah, that time

you got lucky, punk. And that particular toilet is viewed as sacred by the locals. Yeah, you can't take pictures of it. But there's no photographs. Any of them were conceived in there. Steve Poggi is here. Where do you live anymore?

San Francisco now. I met you in St. Louis. St. Louis. I don't know if you're on house arrest. No, you were on the lam. I was on the lam. I had a warrant for my arrest for felony burglary for $25,000. And our cop friend was there.

Yeah. In St. Louis. And you're like, oh, I know somebody. I'll just make a phone call, you know. Yeah, you were white, so we didn't shoot you dead on spec. And then you call me back, you're like, holy shit, this is a lot more serious than I thought it was going be it's not just a parking ticket yeah but so you have a well what was at the time at the time i was just i was going out drinking and i thought i'd be

cool by making up like my own drink at this bar that i'd always go to this comedy club so i made up the king Yeager which is Yeager Red Bull and Crown Royal and you need about three of them just to black out and just start again being an asshole but they have all the fuel of the Red Bull keeping you moving yeah yeah and so I completely black out and when I wake up I'm in a jail cell with an orange paper jumpsuit and what I think are just flea bites on my chest but after i unzipped the suit and looked down it's like burn marks scorched flesh and it has a stink to it and i'm like and waking up it's like because it's not like i didn't immediately have like the you

know oh well there was a guy yelling and then you know they were taking your picture it was just like how the fuck did this take place and so i'm waiting and like i'm waiting and then i like i'm white so i get frustrated and i'm like banging on the door like somebody assist me where's customer service and then some guy comes up to me and i'm like why am i here and he goes oh you don't know she had a little girl and he just walked away and left me at that and at this time i had been a acceleratedly horny because when you're drinking king yeagers nobody's fucking you because you're just a train wreck vomiting mess at some point andy andrews just popped into my view so i i'm sitting there and then he just says this and he walks away and there's no one in my cell

and the fucking cell phone, like, you know, put your ear to the wall box that they call a phone isn't working either. So I wait a little bit longer. I'm trying to sleep it off. And then I pound on the door again. And then the detective comes in and we go into like the interrogation room and I'm like shackled and everything. And I, I got wasted and my buddy lived nearby and like our group got separated because we were also like doing this comedy club like show,

but we all just kind of said, fuck it two hours beforehand. And everyone just got blasted. So people are drifting in and out, wandering off in St. Louis. And, uh, I went to what I thought was his house and I'm like banging on the door yelling. And then this woman comes out and she's like, get out of here. We don't know who lives. And I'm like, it's Sean fucking around with me. And I walk around to the back, and I'm like, fuck you, Sean.

You're a piece of shit. I'm going to beat the fuck out of you when I get in there. And I'm like trying to open the back door. It's not working. And I just fucking kicked it in because I'm coming in there. And then apparently there was a bunch of boxes and it's dark. I'm just crashing and thrashing around and the cops show up and they're like, you know, come out here, stupid. And I'm like, all right.

And then I tried to run away in the garage. Like I shut the door like I was going to make a break for it and fucking get out of there. Hide behind a box. So then they came in with a taser, and that's when they dropped me. And that's how I got the wounds. But the wounds were so bad, I was so drunk, they stood me up. I stepped forward. I stepped on the wires they hadn't taken out and just literally ripped them out of my chest.

What cop filled you in on all this? This sounds like you had to meet the cop at a bar and go, oh, you had to be there. No, because he was like, they sit down and they're like, so what happened? And I'm like, not really sure. I don't have the slightest fucking clue. Well, you're outside of this woman's house saying,

fuck you, I'm coming in, eat a dick, Sean. Reading it off the paper? Yeah, it's like, when you find out that her daughter's name was Sean. Yeah. That's my girl's name. But you're also going,

that does sound a lot like me. But go on. So far, that's me. That's me. Let's talk some shit like that. And she told you to go away and you said, fuck you, I'm coming in.

And, you know, she got scared, called the cops and all this. And they're like, so at that point, they're like, how do you explain this? So I just have to make up some while i'm like well my dad called me and he said he didn't love me so i just walked to the gas station and drank a bottle of

vodka and you know we're here that's what i guess happened like that was my concoction and they they goes i was blackout drunk wasn't good good enough? No, no, not for this. Actually, not remembering is a way better excuse, you would think. Like, I don't know. I was just fucking blackout. I must have thought it was Sean's. But you're, like, shell-shocked hungover, so you're not, you know, fully optimum. And I told him I was a comic, and he watched my videos on YouTube.

And, like... Wait a minute. I'll be right back. He goes, check YouTube? Well, he's like, just take a second. And he's like, that was his version of like, we checked you out and you're okay. We went on YouTube and we saw some clips.

So you... Bail? No bail. No bail. They're like, we're going to just give you three misdemeanors and then we're going to send you on your way and everything. So they let me go out of the police station without a shirt. I have no shirt. Just your herpy everything. So they let me go out of the police station without a shirt. I have no shirt. Just your herpy chest.

Just fucking, you know, little pig let me in, fucking burn marks. So after you turned him into your friend, did you reluctantly count some reward money? Well, at first it was no big deal. It was just three misdemeanors, $500 a pop, you know, maybe pay a fine, do some community service, whatever. Well, then two months later, that's when this felony burglary charge comes.

They changed their mind. They saw your newest YouTube clip and went, that's so funny after all. Don't like the new stuff. Dude, it costs like eight grand. We had to keep going to trials. The worst part was like, I had to go to the lawyer's office and look at like photos of the crime scene.

And it's like a busted door, a broken doorknob, a crying child. But then there's a picture of me without the shirt on with the blood coming out. And I have like the biggest TMZ smile like, yeah. Oh, yeah. We were rocking it out, man. These are my boys. Fuck, it just, but, like, I'm in the lawyer's room, like, by myself going through it, just like, what a fucking asshole.

What? So happy. That'd be a great direction for Jagermeister to take their product in advertising. Exactly. But, you know, it did put you on the straight and narrow. No. You want Derek to

make you a cocktail? You seem to be a little low. I really, that would be amazing. I don't think we have all the ingredients for a King Jäger, though. I don't think they have it at the bar. Actually, we're on the 24th floor. I don't think you can get them on the 24th floor. Once Pujols left St. Louis, that dream died.

They were the King Yeagers. But then the reputation lasted because I turned it into a stage thing, and I did it on stage. So then anytime anything bad alcohol-related happened, I was immediately the bad guy. They're like, nope, we know your act. You're a fuckhead. You did this.

Yeah, well, you got jumped somewhere, right? Well, I was at Indiana. And after the show, there was these bachelorettes. You were at Indiana? Somewhere in Indiana, not too descript. You knew you weren't at Sean's house, though, right? No, not Sean's house this time. I weren't at Sean's house, though, right? No, not Sean's house this time. I don't think Sean's house exists.

I had to go on house arrest for that, and I talked the comedy club into telling the judge that I was an intern at the comedy club so I could still do open mic on Tuesday. Nice. With my ankle bracelets on. How long were you on house arrest? 60 days.

Wow. It was fucked, man. But, I mean, it's not as bad as jail time. You're just stuck in your own shitty life, fully absorbed. Yeah, my life is house arrest. A young comic may not even notice house arrest. He just had to go to open mic every week, though. Yeah, right. That's the worst part.

You got to put me up. I wrote it on the sheet. I got to fucking go. You've been wearing that thing on your ankle for two months. Yeah, I've been wearing these clothes for two months too. What's your problem? When I was on the run, when I called you, I used to not stay at my house on the weekends

because when the cops arrest you, if they come on the Friday, you're fucked until Monday when they would let you out. So I would go to my buddy's house down in the city of St. Louis. You're on the lam just weekends only. Dude, I'm on the lam, but I got my backpack and my camera equipment from recording my little sets in that shitty GeoTracker. And the thing breaks down on Friday night with me and all my newly purchased gear

and i called my buddy jimmy rice who was at the club i was coming from and i go jimmy you got to come get me dude i've got a worn out for my arrest dude the cops are coming they're looking for me i can't afford this bail i'm totally fucked and he goes well i can't leave dude i gotta sell my shirts like i just got off stage i'm like well how many do you have he's like five i was like i'll buy them all dude just come buy them all just come and get me but they won't be out in the community and I'm like fuck you Jimmy come get me ironically you wouldn't be either

he goes I'll send out the MC and then I'll do the closing announcements I was like fuck it Jimmy Jimmy Rice fucked me over I think you need to reassess your friends. Sean doesn't seem like a good friend to begin with. I don't know. I think I would have made up an excuse, too, if I'd heard,

the cops are coming, man. I don't know what the hell is going on. I got a bunch of equipment I need to hide. I'm a wanted felon. Can you pick me up? Hey, could you aid in a bet? Are you in any position right now? I like the fact that you just had to hide out on weekends.

It was almost like you were in the National Guard of felons. Yes. Yeah. And then the 60-day jail time is the one month? You've got three weekends and one month, you could be a villain. So you're at Indiana. I'm at Indiana.

Bachelorette party as all fucking horrible comic stories start off with. The Bachelorette totally loves me. I'm fucking slick. Trimmed haircut at the time. Oh, well, my boyfriend's gonna come. Because he had a court date. You're all trimmed.

Yeah, exactly. Forrest Gump. You go to court, you look like Forrest Gump. It would have been six months if he hadn't had the haircut. Fucking this ill-fitting suit. Go ahead. Once again, get too drunk. And the MC's t-shirt on. Yeah.

Hey, will you wear this in your mugshot? It's all about branding, right? They publish those on the internet. Hey, every post office at Indiana. That's right. Have you seen me? They gotta put them up. It's mandatory. Those have to be everywhere.

And they're up for at least 60 days, dude. This is a fucking solid. I picked you up. I picked you up. So you're drinking King Hoosiers. And I get fucked up. I'm trying to fuck the Bachelorette. And she's like, oh, my boyfriend's going to come. First of all, isn't that like horror?

That's the worst thing you can do. That's bad instincts. Not only address them from stage, which is the worst thing, but then try to fuck them afterwards to justify. The after show, local bar, hangout, fucking, you know, running around. Great show. I'll buy you a shot. Oh, thank you.

I'm so terrific. This is amazing. Hey, what's going on, lady? Then eventually boyfriend shows up. I can see that approach working. Go ahead. Yeah, and it was like my first, like like week-long one-nighter road gig where like everything was strung together instead of just popping in and up yeah and uh so i felt

like you know i just fucking played madison square garden the bachelorette likes me what do i got to lose well apparently a lot when the boyfriend shows up and uh you're you're not she did have a dude i guess yeah bachelorette they usually have a dude, I guess. Bachelorette, they usually have a dude. Not too undercover either. Like, hey, we're still gonna do that thing up by our room. Just yelling at people. And he didn't see fit to this, so he whacked me over the head with a bottle out back.

And I remember getting hit in the head with a bottle, turning around, going, you pussy. And just falling down to the ground. And then I'm waking up in the ambulance arms and had to get stitches and everything else. And needless to say, I never worked for that agency again, which brings us to Vegas for the World Series of Comedy, where I didn't go on because guess who happened to be a judge at the World Series of Comedy? The daughter of the woman whose house you broke into.

There's a couple people that could have been. Let's do the short list. Who? Wait, was it the bachelor? Booker. The booker that fired me. Well, not fired me, but refused to hire me because I got into a fight. He refused to believe

that I actually got lost. I could hit the back of the head with a bottle. That's not really a fight. It's more of a one drink minimum. The hotel was like, it's a fight. One drink. And he was judging my round, and I did not pass. Well, this is a big thing. I don't even know if you know about it. There was this fucking middle act comedy competition going on this week in Vegas.

I heard about it, yeah. It was like 100 comics or something? Yeah, like 101. They did a bunch of little competitions around to get people to qualify into this. All in Vegas? No, no. Yeah, like the main event was in Vegas. The main event.

It's all over the country. Yeah. Did you have to pay to enter it? Well, it was $55, but that automatically got you into like the booker meet and greet and like a drastic discount on your hotel so like even if you didn't make the competition to go to the booker meet and greet after they've seen you it was fucking worthwhile uh but no it was a large entry fee yeah we were trying to do the math on how many people must have entered to boil it down to finally.

After a year, it's down to 100. All right, this is a good time for a cocktail break. We will be right back. This cocktail break is sponsored by Poji. Who do you want to be sponsored by? Who's a fucking booker you're just sucking up to at that fucking? Eric Yoder. Sponsored by Eric Yoder.

We work with Eric Yoder. Yes, Eric Yoder. Sponsored by Eric Yoder. Eric Yoder. We work with Eric Yoder. Yes, Eric Yoder. Please book Steve Pogey. Book Pogey and book the best. Book Pogey. You'll always wake up with a story. That's not Pogey's catchphrase, that train, by the way. I don't know if he's still on the lam.

I don't know how I get to these gigs. Hey, guys, I got to go. My ride's here. Where's my knapsack? I love that you're on the 24th floor and you can still hear the train through these thin-ass walls. Brought to you by the Plaza.

It's just like 1940s Vegas. We'll be right back. All right, Australia, New Zealand, we're coming. November 11th, we start in Brisbane. Actually, don't we have another, was that a secret date? Yeah, we're going to start in Byron Bay. Byron Bay, we're going to start out. And then Brisbane, we got Canberra.

We have Sydney, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne. Sorry, Darwin. I tried my best. And soon we will be adding Auckland, New Zealand to end it all. Not to end it all. I have other plans for that. Okay, now back to the podcast. Already in progress.

All right. Yeah, we're back. Now, does Indiana, that's the rest of the story where you had to get staples in your head or something? Yeah, to get staples, had a mild concussion and didn't work for the guy again who ended up being a deciding factor on whether or not I moved on. So, oh, this competition. Oh, this competition. I know you called me. It's kind of like the Keith Lowell Jensen story, Brian,

where you called me up when I'm just bitter morning, still hangover drunk. He's like, I have this new special I'm putting out, and it's called An Atheist Christmas. And I got a distributor, but they want me to change the name because they think atheist is going to turn people off. But that's the whole point of the thing. And I'm like, fuck them. Don't do it. and then i go up to san jose to work and he's he's on the bill and i was talking to him i go yeah actually uh before turning the gun on himself

i uh i had that title for the two cds before but they wouldn't let me do it so i changed it and he didn't get distributorship because he wouldn't change the name. I go, actually, yeah, I've actually changed the name of a few CDs under just a small amount of duress. But wait a second. Stand your ground. Yeah, but Poggi, I did the same thing to him. He calls me up. He goes, I got this great new bit.

It's a Ray Rice bit or something. Don't burn the material, but Ray Rice related. And he's like, I don't know if I should do it because they, they, they don't want me to do it or the crowd's going to hate it, but it's a great bit. I'm like,

fuck them. Do it. You call me the first night. I just get eliminated. Oh wait, no, you didn't do the bit. Uh,

I was going to, but then the audience was like, ho like hotel tourists more like like in that particular night that i was performing there was a lot of blue hairs out there so uh i i held back on that a little bit but it worked for me because in the meet and greet they're all like we really liked you we we had you to go on you didn't just make sure you email us and let us know when you're coming out so yeah that's what they get paid to say at a dumb meet and greet. What, are they going to tell you the truth?

Not all of them. Just only the ones that were judging my round. So then I'm sorry, I was wrong. You should have done the fucking Ray Rice bit. You'd have a crown on right now. You'd have a paper tiara. You'd be known as King Yeager. That's my tater salad.

King Yeager is your tater salad. Yeah, you got anything? I got more. I got poji notes. I have a list of things right here that were given to us as gifts in Vegas, just hanging around watching football with the fans all day. I got several packets of Mexican Viagra.

And I go, I don't need those. And he's like, I brought them for you. I'm like, alright, someone is going to use them. Yeah, I wondered where Andrus had gone. Snap. Yeah, probably from what? When you were just over there in my room

and saw them laying there? Don't worry, it's not his jacket. Dude brought me a suit. A silk Thailand handmade tiger print silk suit. I rocked out last night to the Saints game. Thank you very much.

What else we got? The fucking drunken idiot T-shirt. A guy gave me it off his back when I said, that's a really cool T-shirt. I don't know what he changed into. I don't really remember. But at some point, he just gave me the T-shirt. You gave it to Bingo. She handed it to me, and she goes, hey, put this at the Christmas tree

with all the other gifts people are bringing. And it's like this dirty T-shirt. You gave it to Bingo. She handed it to me and she goes, hey, put this at the Christmas tree with all the other gifts people are bringing. And I grabbed it. It's like this dirty T-shirt. It was still wet from some guy wearing it. But it's a cool T-shirt. Hey, there's worse ways to lose your shirt in Vegas. No taser involved. Oh, all right.

That's the end of the note. There was that couple that had a penis pump and a double-ended dildo. Oh, that's right. Yeah, they ended up kissing. Hang on. This was the night before. After the show, your cousin, Glenn Woolf's cousin, brings up this dildo, double-headed, long double donger with a penis pump.

Sticking out of her purse. He's walking around with two heads of the snake sticking out of each end of the purse. And a couple of losers from the casino are just following her. Is this where we're going? I've seen Requiem for a Dream. We're in the room and she's... Ass to ass. Ass to ass.

We'll see you on Friday yeah and she said some guys wanted you to sign this form and I've been around long enough to know that when you autograph a latex dildo or rubber fist with a sharpie it will just bleed in over a course of a week or so.

It won't stick. It's going to look like a 1940s tattoo. What did that used to say? On a dick. Yeah. On a dick. So you got to look at it really close. Sounds like one of Andrew's stories. So out of respect, I didn't sign it, but then

we wake up and this fucking room is just littered wall to wall with empties. It's like a backyard fucking picnic aftermath of 4th of July, but it's all in one room. And somehow there's a fucking dildo. When you wake up, it's a horror. There was a dildo stuck in a penis pump.

Like somebody had made that little Lego. Hey, it fits in there. You're welcome. Yeah. Easier to handle. Do you find your dildos not long and thick enough to try a penis

pump on it? I'll just buy a new one. Buy the small one, pump it up, you save a fortune. Somebody for a brief second thought they were a scientist. You gotta heat it up first. So, cut to football Sunday. I told everyone we're

gonna hang out all day football Sunday, which means whenever we wake up till we fall down. So at 1230 or something, I wake up. It's almost the end of the early games, and I run downstairs, and my eyes are still fucking swollen shut. And you showed up shortly

afterwards and you run into the guy sidles up to me now sober who you don't know I met him once but he's like your cousin's got my double ended dildo and penis pump

just wondering if I could get it back. Boy, oh boy, if you dreamt it, you'd go, what the fuck did I eat last night? Now it's in my actual memories. Did you have him describe it? Which cousin? I got a few here. Have you checked lost and found first?

Go to the front desk first and ask them. And if it's not there, we'll check Stan Oaks' place. I'll get them to make an announcement over at the casino. What's your name? Do you remember the brand? Ladies, what's your name? Do you remember the brand? Write down the serial number.

Yeah. It's quite a form you got to fill out, but I think we're going to get it back to you. But yeah, we did get it back to them, and I signed the penis pump because that's not going to smudge. Yeah. I'm a pro. That's good. When you're trying

to sell this on eBay and realizing I'm not that popular after all, you want that signature to not be smudged. When Stano puts his name on a dick, he wants it there forever. Like the stolen Bibles. They have to be authentically stolen hotel Bibles and I'm not going to

put my signature on a dick that's just going to bleed in. I'd love to be there the day he catches his roommate. Hey, that's my stand-up penis, punk. You dickhead. That's a collector item. That is decorative. Put it back. Impressive.

It only says tan hope. Way to go, Charles. The donkey cigarette thingy. Thank you very much for that. Susan Bazell, our anesthesiologist at large. She brought us a Johnny De Bingo a Johnny Depp Cigarette case and lighter Combination The lighter is

Modular It's part of the cigarette case Very 1950s Very cute Oh these things We're using right here look at that Someone brought us ashtrays One says Doug's butts and Amy's butts.

Who fucking did that? Who calls you Amy, bingo? I don't like it. I don't like it. Maybe a Facebook friend. Someone swears this Cajun Power Spicy Garlic Pepper Sauce is the best hot sauce. People just keep giving it to me. I'm like, I'm in a fucking casino. I don't want to be walking around with hot sauce. People just keep giving it to me. I'm like, I'm in a fucking casino.

I don't want to be walking around with hot sauce. So actually, that's when we started the Christmas tree. That's all we do on tour. On tour, I bring my own hot sauce. Just walk around with condiments. What are you talking about? Because I get so fucking angry. If you only have Tabasco, I go fucking berserk.

And this is the best gift of all of them. Hang on, what's that? Oh, the population control kit has a bullet in a hanger or something and a cool T-shirt. It's funny if you saw it. Vegas 702, you fucking jinx. Thank you for bringing us old copies of the Vegas Weekly from the original desert party that we were on the cover of.

And this is the best, though. Some woman says, I brought you and Bingo gifts. I'm a dog groomer. And she's dead serious. She's a middle-aged woman. Very nice and homey. And she goes, I brought you

matted dog fur. It's not like... It's just... Hunks. It's very mangy looking. Yeah, look at that. You combed that out of a dog and made a big dreadlock pie out of it and brought it all the way down here. And flew it down here.

She wasn't even here to watch football. She just drove all the way down knowing we were going to be watching football to bring us matted dog hair for no reason. She had, and that's the best gift of all, someone that fucking weird. It's going to Bisbee. Maybe they're oven mitts. You can use them as anything.

Smells like a holocaust. Just Robin Williams it up. Look, I'm Maybelline. Is that a toupee? That's where I thought you would go. Better save their beaver. If anyone's missing a dog, I just want to clear myself now of any illegal wrong. I love dogs.

You heard the story. They can't fingerprint hair, Poji. You're safe. You fucking killed a deer. That's one thing. Have you ever hit a deer? Yeah. We've never clink.

Knock on wood. Every road comic. Not everyone, but the fucking Christmas Eve hit a deer and a family pulled up in a fucking really cheap beat up car. And the dad was like, what'd you do?

He's like, I hit a deer. And the kids in the back went, it's not Rudolph, is it? Is it a true story? Yeah. It's fucking great. Top that one, Boji. Yeah. Well, I got mugged again.

That's how this story starts. My fucking kids this time. But, yeah. I mean, Gilroy, California, known for garlic. And it's after the show, I'm wasted. The person I'm supposed to stay with is fucking, got kicked out of the club for throwing chairs. Let's just stop saying we were wasted.

Just assume every story that goes around this table starts with. Well, I was coming out of it now because I've learned from past experience. So I'd, like, sobered myself up. I'd sat down. So it was really late at night now. And now I'm like, alright, I'm fucking, I'm back in my body. Let's fucking, you know, trudge forward. And as I'm walking along, there's this, like, one Latino-looking kid,

like, 16-year-old. And I remember making the comment going, who the fuck lets their kid run around this late at night? What a fucking dumbass. You know, that kid's gonna get hurt. And then fucking not more than four more paces closer to him, he turns around and goes, give me your phone. And then, like, little Mexicans come running out of everywhere.

There's, like, four of them. One of us. Buy a car. Fucking out of an alley. I'm hearing mariachi music in the way you remember it. I've got my stupid fucking iPhone. Give me the phone. It's four years old. The back's cracked.

I need a new one anyway. So it was just like I just fucking threw it in his chest and then just ran for my life. Got lost in this area I wasn't having. I had my clicker for the van, like, you know, clicking around waiting for the... And I was just like... At the moment, I was i was like god you're such a fucking cunt why the fuck would you do this to me i'm a nice guy i make people laugh you're such a dirty piece of i'm so sorry i didn't mean to say any of that i found the van got in driving

along no phone to gps home fucking two lane you know dark hills, 45 miles an hour. Deer like jumps out, like commit suicide out in front of me. Like, like he fucking meant to do this kind of thing. Death by comic. And I hit this bitch so hard. Like I hit the steering wheel. Like I got out, like I looked, his brains were like leaking out of his head and he was kicking. And I was so mad.

I was just like, your brains are out. Fuck you. I can't help you. You're done. And I just get back in the van. I leave. Didn't a bunch of other deers come out and try to steal your phone? No.

But to go back. He didn't even have his voicemail set up on that phone. Weird thing. He tried to call him for a ride. I hit this deer so hard, it knocked my radiator plug. It cut it in half. Like fucking hit him like dead on full center. And so now I'm in the middle of nowhere and I have a ticking like Jack Bauer 24 until the van's not going to run anymore.

And so I see lights in the neighborhood and here I am, you know, half cocked, knocking on a stranger's door again. Like I knock on the door, ring the doorbell. I stand back and they're like, what is it? I'm like, I hit a deer. Everything's fucked. Could you call the police?

Like, so finally you're asking for the right. Yes. Now I want them to show up and they show up. But like the person that called said there was like a disturbance thing. So they come out like it's a village middle of nowhere. Put your hands where I can see them. Get down on your knees.

Face away from me. Put your hands behind your head. Lay on the ground. Lay on the ground. And then I hear one of them go, oh, this dude fucked a deer. And then they were like, oh, okay, you can get up, sir. It's all right. We know what's going on.

Didn't know you guys knew about that. You got cameras everywhere. Fucking MySpace. That deer was sworn. Becker and I, when I had this piece of shit Olds Cutlass in L.A., where I still had been living on the road, so I still had New Mexico plates where you don't need to get smog or anything like that, and it would have never passed so we actually went to new mexico to get

the tags re-upped road trip road trip bag it's way easier than trying to ever get that thing to be up to code but in new mexico you have no front plate so we got pulled over on sunset in la cienega or fairfax with that whole fucking get out, put your hands lay on the ground get your hands on your head kneel down on the sidewalk walk backwards we can't touch you

yeah and then fucking patting us down and hands behind your back just, well you didn't have a front license plate, well they don't have them in New Mexico. Really? That's your fucking training? Flatfoot? We were a little arrogant afterwards.

Well, after. We were like, we're white. What do you think happened? That was what we said in the car. You know what we should have said. We had some great one-liners. I would have done this, but I didn't know. I was in Saigon, and we had to go to Phnom Penh in Cambodia. And the only way you could do, like, you could take a bus, but it took fucking forever.

So the guy, the booker said, okay, you got to take a cab to the border, walk across the border, and then get another cab. There'll be cabs there. It'll be easy. Wait, what border? Vietnam and Cambodia. Cambodia? So we're like, and he's like, trust me, it'll probably work. The one-nighter in Vietnam?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're driving, and we're on... Yeah, Yoder books it. You'll never go. No, no, it's the other guy. I love Yoder. Anything negative about Yoder is not proclaimed to me. Hang on.

Where are you going, Andy? You're next. You're on the next podcast. I'm just taking Jesus down the road. Okay, bye. Sorry. So we're driving on this, like, highway. And it's me and Carol, my girlfriend at the time, and Guy, another comic from Malaysia.

And... Oh, the fucking Malaysian hacks. I can't work with them anymore. We're on the highway. Fuck you. Yeah, R rangoon this whatever rubber chicken the driver

we're on like a highway like a real highway and this kid this little Vietnamese kid is on the highway standing in the lane waving the car down the driver's like

like the car down the driver's like it's serious like the the car like he's he's like the car is just like one inch away and he's standing there like that at that point four other kids get out and they're trying to um give us uh flyers for a brothel right on the border. And I was sitting there and they ran up and they saw Carol and their own pictures are on the flyer. I'm missing.

But it was just like this uncomfortable thing for them because I don't think they've ever seen a white woman in the car. So they're trying to hand a flyer and they just go over her to hand it to me. Like, oh, you won't like that, but sir, you'll probably...

I thought you were just trying to one-up as I hit a deer story with. I hit a Vietnamese kid. I just kept going, though. I didn't knock on anyone's door. What do you mean? Did you go out and get the body? You don't have to. You got to cook them. They're still fresh.

You can get them. My buddy from here in Vegas, Mikey Greitz, when we were young men and we moved out of Vegas, we were doing fraud telemarketing. We were like, fuck this. We can move anywhere. And we went back to Massachusetts. Mikey's from here.

And he was young and a little bit daft at the time. So we told him, we're just driving around Worcester, showing him he's never really been out of Vegas, basically. And so we're driving around, and there's a homeless guy half in the street. And he's like, oh, you could have fucking, he almost hit that guy. And I said, well, in Worcester, Mass., the homeless problem is so bad that now if you hit a homeless person, if they're not in a crosswalk, it's legal. It's not your fault.

I was just fucking with him. But we forget to tell him we're kidding. Oh, fuck. So nothing bad happened. But a few weeks later, he's driving and he says, now, listen, if I hit hit a homeless guy I know it's legal but do I have to stop and report it or can I just keep going I'm like fuck we were kidding Mikey

he could have been driving around like fucking death race 2000 for weeks just hitting homeless people going no they told me it was okay you don't know that he didn't he might have learned he might have known to lie at that point. He doesn't return my calls

anymore, so I just assumed that maybe he thinks I'm a witness. I called you in Chicago after I got beat up by TSA. Oh, Jesus. How many of these stories do you have, Poji? What time are we at? We might have to

make Poji a fucking three-parter Oh, and another time I got fucked What happened with TSA? Again, not your fault No, not my, well, not I was in Chicago wearing a St. Louis Cardinals hat During the government shutdown To where TSA wasn't getting paid

They just showed up And the people that wanted to be cunts Were just fucking coming in for free And I looked at the line to go smoke and it was too long and i was like man fuck it i went in the bathroom and i lit up a cigarette and i took like three drags and i threw it in the toilet and i walked out all the time dude red hats like some business guy walked in right behind me and as i'm walking out of here i'm go oh really and so i'm fucking trying to hide at my gate with my stupid red hat.

Yeah, you're fucking shitting out a whole bunch of wiener schnitzel and Cinnabon, and my cigarette is the offensive smell, you fucking asshole. Sure enough. Fucking thank you, Nathan Hot Dog Shit. You're ruining my cigarette. The fragrance is organic. Yeah, what did he want to smell? I think that would be the best case scenario.

I was coming in looking for a fresh shit smell. How dare you insult me with this cigarette. So? Sure enough, man, fucking TSA. One guy, he didn't even look like an actual TSA. He was just like a guy, and he was like, you know, he smoked a cigarette in the bathroom, and I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. That's not me.

And, you know, half-cocked. Fuck you. That's not me. So then the TSA guys come, and then they're, like, interviewing me, and then, like, since it's the shutdown... One second. What time is this, roughly? This is, like, five or six in the afternoon-ish.

Because I had to catch a connector from I'm just wondering what time you're drunk at TSA oh no early I woke up doing mini vodka shots I had reserved for the plane oh yeah I got my own bag but I don't handle it as well as you I'm not a professional

I would have signed the dildo not the pump see that's the difference you gotta sign the pump that See, that's the difference. That's the difference. You gotta sign the pump, Rocky. That's why you lost that competition. Exactly. Always sign the pump. They bring in this retarded guy.

Sports goggles strapped to the head like he's gonna run down somebody who makes it through with a bottle of water and since it's the government shutdown he's like the fucking leader like they promoted him to captain or whatever and so now he's handling everything and I'm

trying to say lord of the flies reference I couldn't find go ahead piggy I was trying to say is this really happening but I get, is this really happening? But I get to, is this re... And he's in my face. Say it!

Say it right now! I dare you to say it! And I'm like, I'm not saying retard. Like, I can't explain myself. I'm just, and I'm like, you know what? I surrender. I go with you. Fucking, you got me.

I'm not flying, I guess. And then they fucking take me, book me down on some disorderly conduct charge. I have to go down to downtown Chicago, catch a bus out of the police station. And remember, listeners, this is because he wore a St. Louis Cardinals cap in Chicago. It was all just, you know, it was a whole sports thing. It wasn't Steve Poggi being fucked up out of his head, not being able to just say, it wasn't my cigarette.

I love a team and they wanted to shut me down. So Bubbles from the trailer park boys decide he's going to throw his weight around. He said, fucking get him out of here! And in the end, you couldn't trick a retarded guy out of it.

I couldn't, dude. They brought in special forces. What am I supposed to do? They have advanced training. Yeah. Well, does this appear to my thumb being coming off and on? What about that? Hey, it's a witch.

Let him go. Who knows what else he can do? Good cop, dumb cop. They played me. He got my nose. He got my nose. He doesn't have crayons. Book him.

What time are we at? All right. We're going to wrap this one up. It's been beautiful. Yes. And the next podcast, in our time, will be moments from now. But for you, sponsorship?

Do you have a sponsor? Or do you want to plug some dates? Do you have something going on, Poji? Are you painting houses now? What are you doing? StevePoji.com. I've got an independent Podhead Stoner video series that we're releasing in a couple months. Fucking kids with ambition.

P-O-D-G-I. You want to plug something? The Birdhouse in Anchorage, Alaska. The Birdhouse, you can't miss it. You have to go. Near the Wild podcast also. Becker's Near the Wild. We're going to have to do a swapcast. There's you and me. Swapcast. I've got a new album coming out

in October called No Landsman and because there's such a sizable chunk on it about new album coming out in October called No Landsman and because there's such a sizable chunk on it about Iron Maiden, the cover has been done by Derek Riggs, the man who did Eddie for Iron Maiden. The character. Okay, I know what you're saying.

That's awesome. Me and Beggar go, oh? Iron Maiden. Oh, Doug, you know way more Judas Priest than you let on. We were watching a cover band every fucking word. Oh, Arena out at Fremont. Oh, yeah. I remember.

I still don't know what happened with the rest of that night because I left you. Chad Shank left. I remember I was kind of dancing to the house band. Or maybe that was before Iron Maiden out down on the Fremonts. All I know is I had money when I went out, and I woke up with chips instead of money. The chip fairy. Well, I must have hit a table,

but I can't imagine how I could have possibly walked away from it with money. How could I have won? Something's broken even. At some point in your blackout, you learned every word to rock it after midnight. That's the thing, Poji. If I fucking kicked in a stranger's door thinking it was my friend's house,

I'd still be living with them and they'd be making me breakfast. It was just, I call it serendipity. He's such a professional. I asked God and he showed up. That's what happens. You just ask God and he shows up. Don't take him away.

Our little daughter will miss him. All right, that's the Doug Stanhope podcast. I believe that we're done until we go grab more cocktails and do something else. All right, play the mattoid. Part-time. Part-time. Part-time. Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time Laugh your laughs and eat your heats, it's party time

Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Party time Party time

Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time!