The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #45: A SwapCast with Mat Becker’s Near The Wild Alaska Podcast: Vegas

Episode Date: October 22, 2014

A Stanhope SwapCast with Mat Becker’s ‘Near The Wild Alaska Podcast’. Home Depot, Annoying technology and magic with Doug Stanhope, Mat Becker, Andy Andrist, Brian Hennigan, Steve Poggi and Ggreg Chaille.This podcast sponsored by The Shady Dell - http://www.theshadydell.com/The Annoy-A-Tron - http://amzn.to/1taBZqKPhil Hendrie - http://philhendrieshow.com/Show Links-Mat Becker’s ‘Near The Wild Alaska Podcast’ - http://nearthewild.podbean.com/The World Famous Chilkoot Charlie’s Bird House BarSteve Poggi - http://www.stevepoggi.com/ Bingo is now on twitter - @bingobingamanRecorded Sept. 29, 2014 at The Plaza in Las Vegas, Nevada with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@houdini357), Andy Andrist, Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Steve Poggi (@stevepoggi) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Thanks for listening. See you at the merch booth.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I like about you in the end. La, la, la. Hey, you fucking jerk-offs. We are doing what I have coined a swapcast, and we've Googled that. No one else has used that. A swapcast is when two comics are doing a podcast when you both have a podcast.

You don't put it out as one or the other. You swap it. Swap. It is both. Swap cast. This is the Doug Stanhope podcast. Slash. And.

Near the Wild. With Matt Becker. The Near the Wild podcast meets the Doug Stanhope podcast in a head-to-head showdown. So you guys are like swingers. Yeah. Kind of like swingers. Yeah, kind of like swingers. Or double-headed dildo. We have two guests on our podcasts, so it's like picking

teams for kickball. Swap cast. You get to pick first. I have Brian Hennigan. The first time Brian Hennigan's been on Near the Wild. I mean, I've always wanted to be on Near the Wild. This is great. Yeah, and I got Andy Andrist as my guest.

Losers. But we're going to start. All right, we can't compete. Otherwise, the podcast will turn hefty. This should turn into an obscene version of wait, wait, don't tell me. No, more like wait, wait, I've heard enough. That'll be all. Wait for it, wait for it, yeah enough. That'll be all. Wait for it, wait for it, yeah.

But we'll start with you because I don't even know the story. I just heard Hennigan or Chaley bring it up where you just went immediately irate. You know we're two separate people, you know that. What? Me and Greg Chaley. I know, one of you brought it up. Yeah, okay, I'm just letting you know that. Not on tour, we're the same.

I know. A lot of people think, these are my, I had I'm just letting you know that. Not on tour. We're the same. I know. A lot of people think, I had to start referring to Hennigan as my business partner so you wouldn't get shit. Chaley is my tour manager. He's the guy that actually has to look the guy in the eye that you yell at on the phone. Most of them are asking for it.

And they don't even realize you don't have a Scottish accent. They're like, why are you such a dick to me? Or they care that... No, that's Hennigan. That's not Chaley. They don't even care that there's an inconsistency in the fact that he's Scottish. The language, everything, but it's also kind of

their fault for setting up their voicemail. That's a callback to last week's podcast that was ten minutes ago. But someone brought up We're still in the plaza Where are we?

That we should be sponsored this entire podcast By Home Depot And you fucking rip your hat off And go don't Why you fucking push my So Becker has a What's the fucking issue with Home Depot? Here's the deal, Home Depot, the fucking shittiest place in the world

How angry are you? We have three in the goddamn state of Alaska, okay? So they ship stuff up there, obviously. And I want two windows. They're fucking $38 windows. And they go, oh, yeah, yeah, you can ship them to you, yeah. And then they send me an email back, no, we don't ship to Alaska.

I go, you mean you don't ship to Alaska? You got fucking three stores here. We ship to all the other states, but not you. You don't ship windows to Alaska? Who doesn't need windows? To your own stores? Yeah. I go, just throw them on the fucking truck. They go, we can't do that, sir. So they have relatives out of state. They go, well, I can get them here, and then I'll ship them up to you.

And then they, to add insult to injury then, then they come and go, how is your experience at fucking Home Depot? And they're showing me the very windows they wouldn't fucking ship to me on Facebook. I go, how was my experience on your fucking business? You keep taunting me at the windows you won't send me. So I fucking

hate them. And then they breach fucking 60 million credit cards. Thanks, Home Depot. You're a pile of shit. So do those Home Depot windows end up fitting well? You have no choice. Do you and Becky

have to walk around inside with like scarves and mufflers on because there's no windows? We have no windows. No, we have old style windows. But I wanted these. These were like the old window ones with the slot glass. They have the vintage ones. It's the only place you can get them. You can't find them anywhere else. So I wanted those two for our back

because we can open them and let air in in the string and crank them down in the winter. And they'd look great, bungalow style. That's our house. And God damn it, you can't get them. It's fucking ridiculous. I can go buy them right now in Las Vegas, but they won't let me take them as carry-on. Why I started hating Home Depot was you go there and you'd see a fat employee, and you know how long those aisles are.

So he's like 50 yards, but you see him, and he sees you, and he knows you've got a question. And he's a fat fuck, but he moves pretty fucking fast. And where do they go? But they don't want to. They're like Disney characters. They fucking hit a corner, and then they have a place where they just disappear. I'm so bad at home repair that I don't even know the nomenclature to tell them what I want. I need a thing that does that.

I bring the other one in, the old one. Yeah, but here's the deal. It's almost the point now. None of the people who work there want to work there. We're getting to that weird Peter principle where these people are going, I'm at Home Depot. I don't want this fucking job. I hate my job. What do you need? I go, I don't know. I couldn't find hammers. They go, yeah, they moved them. Where? I don't know.

I like when you go into Home Depot and they don't have that and you say, do you have any in back? It's getting so you can't even find a checker to fuck anymore. Well, you know how Home Depot works is you have it now, but the guy didn't restock it, so it's on a pallet six stories up. You go, well, no, I can see it. You have them.

Well, okay, well, how long are you going to be here? That's always the first thing they ask you. Well, I guess until you can get something off six flights up. See, I thought the Home Depot, when you get mad about it, I thought it was Costa Rica related. No, no, no. This is fucking just living in America. They fucking have no problem selling shit.

Well, that's the whole point. You're not living in America. You're living in Alaska. Yeah, and that's the point. Because then why do I have to pay taxes in America? You fuck. Becker built this house in Costa Rica where you're like fucking Colonel Kurtz down there.

I can't remember if we talked about this on the podcast or we were just talking about this. Anyway, you have a house you built in Costa Rica. What's harder to fucking get shit done? Costa Rica or Alaska? Yeah, it's now Alaska. Alaska's become insane with fucking the problems they cause. I mean, you

buy stuff, they return it, they won't take it back now. They're like, fucking Costco, I bought Copenhagen, I decided to quit chewing after 36 years. I take it back, they go, oh, I'm sorry, we can't take tobacco back. I go, why can't you take tobacco back? The Indians take tobacco back.

Why can't you take tobacco back? And they're like, nope. I go, fuck you, it's the most expensive thing in your whole fucking store. And the guy's like, I'm sorry. We don't take tobacco back. I go, it's not open. It's the same way you gave it to me for fucking $70. And they go, sorry.

Go fuck yourself. So I said, I'm going to go in your store and break $70 worth of shit. The guy's like, what? I go, have you watched me? And I did. I opened up bags of chips. I fucking flipped the flat screen. Fuck them.

You pick something up. You press your thumb through it. They can't see that on a security camera. No, no, no. That's more branded and safe. Here's a great way. Fishline. Take Fishline.

You tie it around like a flat screen TV and you tie it through the other aisle. Just wait for that lady with the car driving. Boom. Flat screen TV. You got some bumbling over. Bam. Guess what? Yeah.

You just drive their prices up and that makes the small businessman competitive again. You know? Because I have a flat screen from Jim's flat screens. Do you ever... I want to find a partner that's good at the slip and fall. Because he like drops something and then somebody comes down the aisle and does the slip and fall.

Oh, that would be our friend Steve Pogey with fucking six drinks in him. Yeah, with Steve still here. No, he's not. No, he's down in the lobby falling down. He's hammered already. A lot of the people who did the slip and fall were just in it for the money, but then it became like a drug thing.

So I wonder if that squeezed them out. Oh, just to get prescription drugs? Yeah, to get pills. Doing the slip and fall for, you know, it's like double reasons. Well, the real problem with the slip and fall now, as you know what it is, is they got cameras so well and they're so contract. No, but they show video of the people laying down.

And they go, is this you? And they go, okay, I'm dropping my lawsuit. Can I go now? But it's really funny. There's a whole thing of people faking it. One guy puts dog food on top of his chest. He lays down, puts a bag of dog food like it tipped over,

and he's like, and he's looking around going, and then he starts going, like a turtle, and it's like, oh, are you hurt, sir? He goes, yes, I'm hurt very bad. Again, con art is the only true art form to me. Well, and just good, if you're good at, and both of you, both Becker and Andrist are fantastic con artists, as is my manager, Brian Hennigan.

The fact that I'm still doing comedy, he's probably the best con artist in the fucking world. Smoking mirrors. Andy, you've got to hear this story, Chaley. Andy shows up on Thursday. He's wearing a security guard's jacket. And someone made a joke about it. And it turns out you were. Well, I got it.

I thought I got a goodwill, but it's like, you know, it's authority. Wait, wait, wait. Let me back up a minute. When you worked with us in Arcata, you showed up with a huge I-5 sign from Interstate 5 somewhere in fucking Washington or California. No, it's just right near my house. I saw this downed I-5 sign from Interstate 5 somewhere in fucking Washington or California. No, it's just right near my house. I saw this downed I-5 sign. The north and south were bolted on.

It was downed. You took it down. He keeps an orange reflective vest in his car, so he just stops on the side of the highway, puts on his vest, and starts unwrenching a giant I-5 sign because no one's going to question. It was about noon, so I was kind of worried that people would think, what's he working into his lunch for?

Oh, that's true. Yeah, you're going, that's very rare. So then I just took a break. I didn't have a cigarette, but I mean, you know, I acted leisurely like I was smoking. Did people abuse you from their passing cars? No, no. Get back to work.

I think everybody respects an orange vest standing on the side of the road doing nothing. Yeah, he's driving like a 98 RAV4. That seems legitimate. But no, you see the orange vest, you just assume. It's got to be legal. Yeah, so nobody, yeah, it's the perfect thing, unless, you know, the guy who

has the job of removing signs is there. That's really what Steve Porchie should wear all the time. No, I was going to say, the reason they didn't catch him, I think he had one that said inmate on bag. Yeah, I know. But they didn't catch him because they were too busy trying to round up Poggi in another state. But, you know, it's like a thrift store find

is like a security jacket because with a laminate and a security jacket, even if it's the wrong color security jacket, you can go, no, I'm actually security for the band. Had the laminate? No, no, you carry laminates, too. Oh, I'm not the venue security. I'm the band security. You mumbled through that, but that's fucking brilliant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with Lyle Lovett. You tell the security, you usurp their authority. I'm more security than you're security, sir. I have to do my job, because you don't do yours that well. I'm going to have to ask you to leave security. We don't need to debate this now. I'm in a hurry.

I have moose for Lyle Lovett, and if I don't get it back there, things are going to go fucking bad in your life, man. This thing could go sideways quick. But a security jacket, you can just walk in places if you have, you know, you just, hang on, I got to take this, you know, step back, step back or whatever. But I went into, it was like a Michael Fronte, like a reggae-ish concert. And I went to the bathroom and the door opened to a stall. And it was a classic hippie, skinny, wearing the tie-dye and the headband, everything.

In a toilet stall. In a toilet stall. But he opened it up and he lit a joint. Stay on my... He lit a joint as he opened the door. He's going to light it and walk out. And I'm standing there, and he looks at me, and I realize he's looking like, uh-oh, security.

And Andy says... And I said, really, man, right in front of me? And he just hands the joint to me, and then I walked in the stall and closed it and smoked the joint. But he showed up with that fucking I-5 sign. He's just, like, carrying it out of his car like you would, like, I'm going to a gig, I'm bringing my laptop. He's got an I-5 sign that he thought he could trade to hippies

and market it for weed. I needed merch, and I was in Humboldt, so I figured I's got an I-5 sign that he thought he could trade to hippies. I needed merch. I needed merch and I was in Humboldt, so I figured I could trade an I-5 sign for weed, but it didn't work out. Too bad you couldn't find 420. Well, Doug told... Old Highway 420. Those are all gone already.

It's like Route 666. They had to take it down because everyone kept stealing the signs. Doug told me, oh, this guy is going to hook you up. So I was like, oh, cool, then I don't even need to worry about it. And then he goes, no, we can't give you weed. And he gave me a thing to tie onto my pipe to snuff out if I had weed. Like, that's not hooked up. I don't know.

Oh, yeah, some little glass doodad, but that's not hooked up. Don't look at me like you're going to wait for his story to actually end strong. Or have a point. Let's move on to Brian Hennigan, your guy. Yeah, it's your podcast. Yeah, I know. I mean, we might sever this thing. That's all right.

Don't worry. Every time there's dead air, I wrote down announcements like the biggest announcement of the year that everyone's been waiting for. Amy Bingo Bingaman is on Twitter finally. Go to at Bingo Bingaman. If you can't figure it out, you're a fucking asshole. How many tweets, Bingo?

How many followers? Over 2,000. Over 2,000. Over 2,000. That puts you in the top 10% of all Twitter. Welcome to Random Thoughtville. Chaley, Adam Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E, he had 1,100, and I go, I bet we can top you with bingo in two hours.

Hey, everyone follow. She fucking crushed you. Yeah, but that's because you said, hey, everyone follow. Yeah. Do I ever say, hey, everyone follow Mr. Hennigan? No. At Mr. Hennigan? No.

No, because you're a rude person and you're a mean meanie. Well, that's because they're all assholes. We'll cut that out. It's everyone. I don't mind. Poji's back after several references to Steve Poji from the last podcast. He doesn't appear to be either arrested or in hot pursuit. I just want to say I like your style.

They process you quick at Las Vegas PD. I was going to say, I was surprised with Steve Poggi that, you know, given that all the stories were about, like, being fined or how broke he is, that he now chooses to live in San Francisco, the most expensive city in America. That's exactly what I thought. I go, wow, you really overplayed your hand on that one. I know. Must be one hell of an open mic.

Poggi put out a book, Dummy's Guide to Local Jail. Wow, that fell flat right there. There we go. Again, I really think we're going to sever this thing. It's going to be a nightmare for you. It's a trial, really. That's what it is. This is really.

Trial. Is this an open mic podcast? And by trial, he means Kafkaesque. Oh, Tracy Wernner got that joke. Yeah, she's literary, you know. Andy somehow. Yes. Anytime something weird and fucked up happens,

like why is that person in our room? How did they even know our room number? Oh, Andy. So I had forgotten all about this. The other night, a girl that came to the show that evidently works in the ER here in Vegas showed up, and it's way early hours of the morning, just fucking wrecked, slobbers into the room, spills over everyone. She was laying on you in front of Becky.

Yeah. Not a good move. No, you're going to end up in the ER. You told her that. You go, you sit on my lap one more time. You're going to need to be in the ER. Because she kept saying, I have to be at the ER at 9 in the morning. And we're looking 7.

She said, it's 30 minutes to drive home. I have to be at the ER at 9 in the morning. We're looking 7. She says, it's 30 minutes to drive home. I'm like, you could probably crash with Andy, who probably is the guy that gave you our room number. I don't know. No, I don't know where she came from. I have no idea. She just walked in here. I did not know her before you guys put her in my room,

and then we got to know each other later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait. But wait. Go ahead. You didn't know her before you said, follow me. I did not put her in my room, and then we got to know each other later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait. But wait. But wait. Go ahead. You didn't know her before you said, follow me. I did not put her in my room.

You guys set me up. Yeah, we set you up that night. But what did you just tell me right before we hit record? Hey, I think that ER nurse is coming back tonight. Well, she has my phone number. Oh, she has your phone number. Well, at least you found your phone. So that means I invited her. No, she has my phone number. Oh, she has your phone number, so that means I invited her. She's not coming here. Say it again,

Becker. I stepped on you. Well, at least you found your phone. I know, yeah. That's the best. Two days of driving Louie Anderson's scooter around town. I'm going back here to find my phone, but oh, the scooter still works. What was I doing again? You know what's good on a Louis Anderson scooter?

A Slim Fast Shake. Delicious. Always sign the pump. Yeah. So evidently we have the Swedish reggae guy and the ER nurse. Oh, you think this podcast is going clunkingly? Why don't you have her talking to the Swedish reggae guy? She sent me a message and said that she got slammed at work,

which means she showed up a fucking wreck and then had like multiple fucking injuries. Well, I told her, I said, I talked to her. I said, you can go to work like this? She goes, I'll just do an IV, a B12 IV. And it pulls you up. Was someone at football on Sunday

that fat, weird cartoon guy who looked like the comic book guy from the Simpsons? What do you mean? That guy? Yeah, big fat face, long hair with a squeaky, nasally voice. He goes, you know that ER girl that I guess she said slept in one of your rooms? Yeah, I talked to her. She said we can all go over.

If you want to get rehydrated, they can just like hit you up with an IV. Yeah, he goes, but you got to have insurance cards. And I go, what? She's cold calling for the ER? Hey, check the book. Is there a coupon? A lot of emergencies can be prevented

by just showing up at the ER. I anticipate a heart attack Well, the thing is, I thought with her, I bet she's getting promoted to the coroner's office because so many people

are dying on her shift. They'll just move around. You're better at catching than receiving. After being hit in the head with the bottle, the last thing you want to see is an ER nurse from Andrus' room showing up to sew you

back together. You know where I could get a bump? He got hit in the head by a bottle. You must know. And he said he'd call. Most guys I date never come back, but you seem like you'll show up at work a lot. You're the only second offender I've ever encountered. Repeat offender. All else fails.

That's the name of my podcast, Repeat Offender. We're live with Repeat Offender That's the name of my podcast Repeat Offender And we're live with Repeat Offender My guess is Derek and a donut We own the subcast genre You can't do that Swapcast He's subcast

Leechcast I googled it That actually exists Yeah I bet bum cast is out there I always All else fails I always go to Andy's Torturing his neighbor's stories

Oh yeah I think they must have told the one about the guy Who I ruined his life The litterer That was Doug Stanhope. Not the litterer. And it wasn't his life, it was his career, but keep going.

Some of the credit belongs to everybody in this room in some small way. I think we've all paid a part in this. Wait, this is my speech for his funeral. You're not getting invited. I'm going to get Johnny Depp at Doug's funeral. Bye, Johnny Depp.

You're going to be unpersoned like Stalin did. We'll be removing you from the photographs. Me and Marilyn Manson in a tent and back on a big screen, the only two people in the room. He'll leave as soon as he finds out there's no open bar okay but so the i had a neighbor who's he's just he overflow parking in our driveway it's a van it's creepy i didn't like him and he one time he was out there and i go would you move your van then as nice a way as i could and he he said, fuck you. He actually used the F-Fuck you? He said, fuck you. Yeah, like

that's it. I mean, that's... Eugene, Oregon. That's not the type of person you would expect to encounter. They were tweakers or whatever and I was suspicious. It was a marijuana grow place when this guy was down there. And then, so he said, fuck you. And that was the end of the conversation and then I immediately started plotting

somehow to fucking ruin his life. But he just brought it on himself uh i live in the steep hills of south eugene uh uh wisconsin uh-huh and uh and uh and so and we got wild turkeys in wisconsin and uh and so i's driving up my hill and i see what looks like a wounded turkey in the road. And as I get closer, I see it's a guy, and his legs are kicking, and he's got a head wound. He rode his bike down and went over the handlebars, landed directly on his rude head. Because I started to take my shirt off seeing a guy with a leaky head wound, and I'm the first responder. That'd be like somebody thinking thinking how can this get worse yeah no and he it got real worse because you show up because i look over him and i could see through the blood and everything it's the guy who said fuck you and so i didn't put my shirt under his head nor did i do anything and i waited and it

was like 10 minutes before somebody else stopped and I offered comfort and I just stood over him and go it's up man I'm not going to help you or whatever are you ready to move your van now? hey man if you pass out are the keys in your pocket? I guess

I'll find out but he was holding on to consciousness or whatever. And then so the paramedics eventually show up because somebody else called 911. It wasn't me. Did you know any of them? The paramedics? I hadn't seen their work, but I've heard about both of them. Did they park in the drive?

Well, so he was laying there and he was coherent enough to be able to talk to the paramedics, but he played dumb. Didn't want them to know where he lived or anything. And I was like, I'm Johnny Helpful or whatever. And then I was like, hey, man, I'm going to take your bike up there and show the paramedics where you live if there's anything else you need or whatever. And they loaded him up.

And then I still thought it was a meth place, so I knocked on some doors and nobody answered, so I did a Steve. I burglarized the place. But I just went in. Andy knows a lot about his neighbors by just going into their house when they're at work. Right.

Well, yeah. But you don't know this in the story until he's just... There's some of it I can't talk about. I had this weird lady, and I know she smokes weed because I was going through her medicine account. Why were you in her medicine account? Well, I know she leaves the bottom door unlocked. That's not even the part of the story

he thinks is interesting. I know she had a lot of anxiety. So anyway, I went through this guy's house and he didn't have much to take. But he was an indoor girl. He'd already taken his dignity. And I gave him away to the paramedics who probably sent him a bill.

So there was like an ounce of weed all packed. So I took that because I carried his bike up the hill and helped him with the paramedic situation. And I took that weed, and then about a week, not even that, like three days later, I hear a ruckus and like, fuck you, you pussy, put the knife down, you rattle into the door. And I went out and I dialed 911. And then I realized, oh, it's that guy. It's Dave again. And this guy's threatening to kill him and kicking at the door. And then I went and smoked

some of his weed, let the situation cool down a while. Because you were anxious. Yeah, it did make me anxious, so I had to go into the other neighbors to get a couple of her Xanax. I'm like the neighborhood watch you don't put up signs for. So are you the only one your neighborhood doesn't work? No, well, yeah, I guess. signs for. So are you the only one your neighborhood doesn't work?

No, well, yeah, I guess. It's a full-time job, Big Neighborhood Watch. Yeah, it is. Not for long. It's a humble living, but it's very rewarding. Oh, so anyway, but Augie, so yeah, this guy, the last I saw him, he was walking down the hill urgently. Well, you took his bike. His bike, yeah, well, his bike his bike yeah well his bike

was fucked up it locked up that's i mean i when i took his bike i could tell the front wheel completely locked up so that's how i knew he went right over on his noggin but so then i told was telling the story to augie smith and he goes well probably the guy was threatening to kill him because you took the weed and it's like oh, oh, yeah, probably. And then I thought, well, he should have moved the van. That would have saved all of it. So his van moved. Somebody else, it was gone. And I don't know that he didn't get murdered.

So are you basically saying you see your role in people's lives as some sort of karma? Kind of an angel. Uh-huh. Because I could have been like, if it was a different dude, he didn't have his van in my driveway, I would have put my shirt under his head. I still would have robbed his house. You're like a black swan in your neighborhood.

You're a domino that knocks everyone else down. I am a reflection of that. See, I thought you were referring to black swan in terms of Nassim Taleb's book about financial deregulation. I thought it was a very funny thing to say. It was. I figured we had to dummy it down because it's a shared podcast. Becker, can you tell any of your

neighbor stories? You've had some horror show fucking neighbors. No, because they move, we don't. Becker, you're a good fucking bouncer of neighbors. Yeah, I just... You even bounced Chaley out of fucking Alaska. I know. Aww. But the new guy's great. He's a divorce lawyer who moved into the house,

and he's very nice. Becky's not here, is she? No. Oh, you can't say, oh, it's great, I get a divorce lawyer finally. No, I know. But you just assume how good he is now that he's renting the house next door. Rental lawyer?

I don't think so. Do you know any good divorce attorneys? I noticed you just moved in. He's got a hit of deer. He's got all his shit in one box. I wouldn't think of using you. You're a neighbor and you live in a shithole. I think that's one thing we all have in common is plotting against people we hate

and never getting around to actually doing it. But putting real detail into it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just sit and fantasize all day. It really lifts you out of depression to start plotting crimes. The Annoyatron. This podcast brought to you by the Annoyatron,

which is a little bug thing that's on a magnet. It's a little tiny thing, and we have metal fences, so if any fucking creepy people move in next door to us, we had one fucking really sketchy guy, and drug people, they're aware

of very tiny sounds, and the Annoyatron will, every 15, 20 minutes, go... And then not again. And then? And someone's like, what was that? I'm a tweaker. What was that?

And the metal fence amplifies it. It's just a little magnet right by their fucking bedroom windows along our fence. You know what you need to do is... They're available through thinkgeek.com. You've seen them. I just go through Amazon, but I go through Bill Burr's link. Go to Bill Burr and then click on Phil Hendry. That's the guy.

You go to philhendry.com and then click on the Amazon link, and he gets money. Listen to Phil Hendry. Over 5,000 hours of archived of the best, funniest radio fucking shit ever. Yeah, there you go. Phil Hendry and Annoyatron. Get rid of the best, funniest radio fucking shit ever. Yeah, there you go. Phil Hendry and Annoy-a-tron. Get rid of the tweakers with Annoy-a-tron. Have you heard of, you've seen the speakers that look like rocks?

Yeah, yeah. That would be perfect. Like if it was tweakers or whatever, you could just go, we're getting ready to arrest these, whatever you do, just to completely scare the shit out of them. Well, the Annoy-a-tron, too, does cell phone rings. Right. Just randomly.

Just old-fashioned. So those are great to put in a movie theater under a seat. So randomly, everyone's looking at one guy like, fucking turn off your cell phone, dick. He got shot? Hennigan, you found, and it was wicked illegal, and it worked once, and then it shit the bed. It was probably a friend of mine. Keep going.

It wasn't me. A cell phone jammer. Jammer. I know. I tried to buy one in England. You can buy them in England, and they won't ship them to the U.S. I know. That's right.

They won't ship them to the U.S. But if we did get one. Well, he got one. You got it from China, right? I can't remember where. It only worked once, and then it shit the bed. No, no, no.

It was good, but the problem was that the battery pack wasn't very effective, so you had to keep it plugged into the wall. So it was okay in like a cafe or something.

Well, on planes, it was the fucking greatest. I was just so waiting to get on a flight just so everyone's there. Yeah, we've just said it. We're getting ready to land. We're getting ready to land.

We're getting ready to land. We're about to take off. No, hang on. I can keep going. They're not closing the door yet. Fuck, it's not working anymore. What's going on? I have no...

Hey. Does this flight have waffles? Sorry, that's Andy's recurring Louis Anderson callback. I like waffles. Yeah. I wish waffles. Yeah. I wish my... Hang on.

I want to hear about... So cell phone jammers, the whole point about cell phone jammers, they won't have something to do with the U.S. and they're, you know,

obviously for emergency numbers, but they go, why can't we have them in prisons? They keep having problems with people with cell phones in prison. And they go, whoa,

Casey's staff needs to make a call. What, to the guy bringing more cell phones? Who the fuck? I mean, why can't you jam them there? But there was some guy that was arrested in Florida recently who was driving around with a car-sized cell phone jammer

just to stop people making calls. He'd been doing it for like five years and they couldn't work out what the hell was going on. Vast areas would suddenly be without cell phone service. He was just driving around this town like a dick. It's not like you can call the cops. For the listener, whatever you know about cell phone jamming equipment, please email Doug at DougStanhope.com.

Let us know what you know because I really fucking love that. And the battery was a piece of shit. Yeah, they're highly illegal now. This was actually shaped in a Marlboro cigarette pack. It was shaped like a cigarette. Right. What happened to the TV away? Oh, TV

be gone. We're always sponsored by that. I have one in my bag. I don't travel without it. I'm not fucking, no, Nancy Grace doesn't exist in my airport. I wonder if they weren't turning off the big TVs in front of the casinos. I like the fact that... I don't think they work by remote. I like the fact that they use medieval spell formula for the name. TV be gone.

As opposed to TV Away. TV Be Gone. Be gone with you. We banish you. Hang on, I have to tweet my girlfriend at Bingo Bingaman to see if I can get another cocktail. Cocktails!

She's my best follow ever and I'm not... Hang on. Bingo on the new... She's my best follow ever, and I'm not. Hang on. Bingo on the nude. She's hilarious. All right. Hey, we're going to take a quick break for cocktails. Andy, you keep going with your story.

Don't let the mic be an off stop. I like whipped cream on my waffles, and they brought them down, and it's just very cold. Hey, we're going to take a quick break for a cocktail. This break is brought to you by TheShadyDell.com in Bisbee, Arizona. Come down, stay at the Dell, stay with the stars. The only time waking up in a trailer is a good thing. TheShadyDell.com That is where you stay

If you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell And I'm in town, I will have a beer with you I won't hang out that long We're not going to be good friends I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself But if you're staying at the ShadyDell.com Vintage trailer park With all 50s, 60s trailers

That we live a mile away from. And we look for reasons to go stay there. Come to theshadydell.com. Sponsored by. I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. All right. Australia, New Zealand, we're coming. November 11th, we start in Brisbane.

Actually, don't we have another, was that a secret date? Yeah, we're going to do it in Byron Bay. Byron Bay, we're going to start out. And then Brisbane, we got Canberra. We have Sydney, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne. Sorry, Darwin, I tried my best. And soon we will be adding Auckland, New Zealand to end it all. Not to end it all.

I have other plans for that. But, okay, now back to the podcast already in progress. All right, we're back with the Swapcast, the Doug Stano podcast, and the Near the Wild podcast with Brian Hennigan. Yes. Yeah, and I think we're winning this one. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

We're going to go on to the final. Yeah, this is not going to be a decision. Andy had the fucking greatest line at the end of the last podcast. Of course, as soon as we go, that's the end of the podcast, Andy goes with the brilliant line. But someone came up to you and said that you look like shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he just walks up.

And I was supposed to do his podcast. But he walked up and he goes, hey, Andy Andrus. I go, yeah. And he goes, wow, you look like shit. And I'm like, how do you know what I'm supposed to look like? You know? Like, maybe my 8x10s tell a few lies. Not that I have 8x10s.

People do email you and say, hey, can you send me an autographed 8x10? Like, no one has 8x10s anymore. It's all fucking online. Jackie Mason. You don't get how much cancer you have. You're not getting an 8x10. Should we let Steve Poggi jump in? He says he has an unflattering Louis Anderson story.

Oh, yeah, this is the kid who can't find work? Yeah. I told him he's still young and cute enough you could get booked with Louis Anderson. Once I get off probation. But, yeah, he was doing a club. They didn't have a green room. They just had, like, an office area, and he was in there.

That's the only clubs we do. As he's performing, there was an assistant with him, a young, strapping young lad. And every time the manager went in there, he'd be like... Probably stolen from Barry Sobel. And every time the manager went in there, he'd be like, Louie, you have five minutes. He would open the door,

and you would always hear, rub my feet better. My feet are being rubbed right. Who's got a wall bone? Why is my motor scooter wet? I try not to trash other comics, but Louie Anderson seems like, eh, he's pressed, right? Yeah, Louie Anderson seems like, eh, he's, he's,

yeah, he's pressed, right? Yeah, you can take a beating. He's like, he's like Ron White that just wants gay stuff. What?

Well, Ron White's huge and, you know, everybody will do what he wants around him. It's just that Louie wants his feet

rubbed by a boy. Yeah. Under the age of 13. Just, you know, when they're ripe. That's why you work hard in this business. All right.

Hey, we're back after that break. All right. Is it on? Okay, good. We can start. Cocktail hours. Matt, how many listeners can you afford to lose? I don't know that we're going to be sharing this as much as you think.

What's your demographic on After the Wild? Well, you know, After the Wild? I mean, post-haste. Near the Wild podcast. Oh, Near the Wild. What's your demographic? It's all pretty much 32 year olds. Uh-huh. Yeah. All

32. They drop in Alaska. Well, like racehorses? In Alaska. He just all the people that were blacked out at the bar, he has to retell the stories on his podcast so everyone that goes to the bar goes, oh, that's how it happened. Okay, now I get it.

Now, oh, and I did magic. I did magic. That's after the show on the Sunday. Oh, yeah, yeah. You were doing fucking table magic. So here's the joke is. I came in on Saturday. We flew in for the show and I had to go directly to the hotel and had some cocktails

and did the show and it went swimmingly. And then Sunday is football. Of course, we got drunk. And I don't have any playing cards because I don't bring playing cards to Las Vegas. They have them. It's bringing cocaine to Columbia. You don't need to. But I couldn't find the gift shop. People kept giving me bad directions, so I'm running

around trying to find fucking cards, because there's a new deck of cards from the casino. So I finally find them, and I go, okay, I'll do this. So I go over, and so I start doing it just for a couple people, and then the other people are going, hey, you gotta do that. I love it when they do that. You have to. I go, no, I really don't. But okay.

And I put you on the spot, and I hated to. But there was two people at the bar during football, at the sports book, and they were bitching about the show. Everyone was bitching about the liquor service. Wasn't my fault. There was fucking 450 people and three bartenders. At a Doug Stanhope show, it should almost be one-to-one bartender to drinker.

So this nice couple, and they're not being dicks about it, but they're kind of bitching about the whole... Like, that's your fault. They were waiting for an hour and then, you know, I missed half the opening acts waiting for the drink, and I go, Becker's right over there, and I go,

oh, wait, and I explained who you and Andy are. These are, like, two of the funniest people I know and I go Becker's right over there and I go oh wait and I explained who you and Andy are these are like two of the funniest people I know just I go and I started to try to explain what you do at your bar in Anchorage which you have to fucking see and I'm trying to explain that and I just stopped and I said fuck it

Becker come be entertaining and like that you came over you whip out shit, you're balancing a dollar bill on its end on your nose, you got card tricks, you have fucking magic and dumb shit. And I just, I finally left. Yeah, you're good. You guys are good.

Yeah, I walked away. Your show's going on. I got to watch football. Here, you're going to fuck it. You get a whole hour of Becker. And they were thrilled but what's fun and I always forget this is the same with Costa Rica

doing magic is one of those things where it's you know whatever but what I do is like in a casino when you're doing card tricks when they just lost

their life savings at blackjack and then I take a playing card make it disappear and show up right in front of them they go I think I got robbed over the table

fuck yeah you did I was worried about that last night when we were playing cards. I'm like, Becca's been doing card tricks all up and down this fucking casino. Are we going to get shut off at the black tag table? Because he's very good. And I fucking hate magic. I know you hate magic. I was going to ask.

You hate magic. I do, but he's not a douchebag. He's hilarious. As he's wearing a plastic suit coat that's made out of shower curtain material. As he's riffing, bam, bam, jokes and card tricks. But someone walks by

and says, yeah, that's a good raincoat, too, as well as a sport coat. It's vomit-proof, too. It's just immediately every fucking line he's nailing. And I just pulled him up from the bar out of a hangover. We're just both slouch-eyed, walking out of the fucking room to go hang out with fans, which I thought was going to be a good idea.

Then I go, oh, it's going to be a bad idea. It turned out good. It turned out to be a great idea. But you were just fucking nailing it. Oh, it was a blast. Yeah, that's the opening act you missed while you're waiting for one of three bartenders to give you a fucking warm beer. The best was, at first

he pulled up a stool from the sports book. In a corridor. He was doing a magic to about six people. I go take a piss. I come back. He has a street, like Fremont Street circle around him.

Like a busker. And he's doing it, right? And then he gets done with his show. I'm surprised he didn't fucking have a hat passing around, right? Because he had his. We have to check in two weeks in advance. Because if you're going to pass it. Yeah.

So I just start picking wallets. Las Vegas Entertainment. Becky's around. Keep going, honey. Keep going. honey you got it this is a big crowd i gotta make the rounds so he gets done with that and he comes over to where i'm drinking with a couple other people and someone says some magic and there's not a chair around and he throws the fucking cards right on the floor and he he's doing floor magic. And he takes the, he sets it down, he does this thing

and then he has the deck and he goes, we put here and then we put this one on top. And he takes the deck and slams it down and all the cards fly and then one flies to the side and it's the fucking four of hearts. The one the guy picked. I'm like, on the floor!

But it looks so random. It's just like you throw the deck out there. I guess he's not doing the trick. Then it goes, on the floor. But it looks so random. It's just like you throw the deck. I guess he's not doing the trick. Then it goes. And everyone's like, that's pretty good. It's fucking fantastic. It was a great game. Our friend Mr. Dunwoody and Bisbee. Becker was down there.

The Beckers were there for Thanksgiving. And Becker does down there. The Beckers were there for Thanksgiving, and Becker does some trick. One was like fortuitous with a red light that you happen to have the thing. Anyway, I don't know how it worked. But then one trick where he throws the deck of cards at the window, closed a window that doesn't open, and the card the guy picked is Mr. Dunwoody is on the other side.

And they went him and Mr. Dunwoody and another lady were doing like a forensic science thing for like an hour. Like the party's gone on and everyone's in there still looking around the kitchen like how did this

possibly work? Fucking cold case files. Tape on the windows. Dexter lines going through the room. Yeah, but these are the same people that when you got your flat screen TVs delivered from out of state, we're going around the back of them trying to see where the pictures were coming from. Oh, good. Well, that's not the most flattering compliment then.

All right. How'd you get the stuffing in the turkey? This is ridiculous. It's the Arthur C. Clarke thing about anything, any technology you don't understand appears like magic. It's like the elevator for Andy. Yeah, exactly. I go in one room, I wake up in another.

This floor is the same but different. Becker, you started doing this shit at some... I don't know if the people know how Costa Rica is, but it's pretty fucking beautiful but third world. So some of those Tico bars you go into, and you went to a place by the house down there and started doing it with kids in Ticos, and they looked at you like you were

some fucking black wizard shaman. Don't do this in Haiti, by the way. No, but... I'm amazed they don't have people bringing their children to you to heal. No, they did. I said it was almost like that, because the first year I did it, it was like, oh, by the way. I'm amazed they don't have people bringing their children to you to heal. No, they did. I said it was almost like that because the first year I did it, it was like, oh, it's funny. They go, Magic Man, Magic Man. Yeah, great.

We went to this outdoor party thing one night. They got invited to this local party where they had a local band and they treated it as wonderful. They were great, amazing people. At the end, there were like 40 people standing there and our friend that we go through, Mario, a good guy that we've known since we moved down there, and he goes, I go, what are they doing?

He goes, they're waiting for you to do magic, but they didn't want to be rude and interrupt you. I'm like, I'm now drunk at a house party. I'm like, ugh, all right. So I go and do it. And it comes off as well as it can, because, again, they have no idea how you, their world is just, you can't do that.

They get a lot of it, but they don't get how you do that. I go, you have nothing but time down here. Get a deck of cards. My son, his legs are lame. Please. No, no. Is this your card? Every time Chili doesn't have a microphone, he has

the best line. Yeah, so it's very scary because yeah, they want to build a church or burn it. Have you ever gotten... Has anybody ever got a... I know some people would be dicks about magic and try to fuck you over. No, see, I take all that out of it.

I have angles on all of it. I mean, like, they'll go, that's not my card. I go, 100%, I don't make mistakes. I mean, I'm that flawless where there's no... You just sell it to them hard? No, I have a series of tricks where they...

Like, I have one where it ends up in a Red Bull can sitting right in front of them. And they pick the card, they're going to do the whole thing. Well, at the very end of the trick, there's a card underneath the Red Bull can.

And so they go, that's your card, and they turn over. And any dick in the crowd, this is usually the closest thing for them they'll go oh and they turn over it's not the right card they go hi you're wrong and every jackass that was being like low level you know they jump on it you're fucked up and i go oh wait hang on and i cut the red bull can open pull out the card there it is and then they go oh fuck just hearing that story makes me feel good. It's like I feel all from that.

But that's why I built it. I built all of it like that, where I go, you weren't going to figure it out. Even if I told you I did it, you'd still go, well, still, you're not going to see it. Becker, when we were first starting out in Phoenix, I was opening one time at Knuckleheads in Phoenix

with a magician who was a headliner, and Becker just sit in the back of the room with me and go, I don't know what he does. He's going to put the thing in the fucking orange. And midway through the week, I'm like, yeah, my buddy was explaining to me how you do that thing with the orange, and that's

where the other half of the dollar bill is. And he's like, who? Who told you? There's a code! There's a code. There's a code you don't tell. I've got hypnotist stories. Steve Pogey. Steve Pogey back. Two bad hypnotist stories.

One is if you see any kind of hypnotist, they'll use like a code word or a phrase, and that's where the whole audience, or the people on stage are supposed to act asleep, and this one hypnotist, he was doing like the, audience or the people on stage are supposed to act asleep and this one hypnotist he was doing like the you're the audience police if anybody laughs you gotta get them to stop

and so he'd say something they'd start laughing, this little old frail woman she's like oh you gotta stop it right now don't laugh anymore, that's enough and then they laugh more because of that and she's like no I'm being really serious and then they laugh even harder and then she rushes to the front to this two couple shut the fuck up you niggers Oh, I'm a sheep now. I'm a winder. I'm a winder.

Oh, my God. If your second hypnotist story is not that strong, I'd skip it. Don't tell it. This one's good from the industry aspect. You don't end up rubbing Louie Anderson's feet, do you? No, no, no. Rub them again. Rub them again.

That's yet to come. Work the bunion, please. Grab him again. Grab him again. That's yet to come. Work the bunion, please. Oh, no. Work the bunion. I got to sit on that scooter for an hour. He's not come all this way to... I found a cell phone. Some drunk guy with a lot of missed calls.

What you got? Go ahead. The second end of this story is this club, and they're pitching the triple X-weightrated hypnotist show. Of all you see, the dirty extra thing. I thought they all were at this point. Oh, dirty hypnotist. They'll do an early show. You need to bring the kids.

We can really sell tickets. Triple X-rated. Ass to mouth? Really? Is this a hypnotist show with ass to mouth? Triple X-rated hypnotist show. DP hypnotist show. Last minute. DP hypnotist show.

Last minute, hypnotist cancels. Club owner goes to the phone book, fucking flips open hypnotist, finds a guy, calls him up. Comic opening for him. He's the one that told me the story. The hypnotist comes out, and he's doing like the classic hypnotist,

like, these napkins are money, and you want to get as much money as you can and then after the first show the hamburger the booger comes in irate this is a dirty hypnotist show these people are told it's going to be dirty you have to be out there and be dirty or you're fired and so the fucking hypnotist and the comics like you gotta go be dirty man what do you want me to say but instead of being dirty he comes out and he's like alright you fucking cunts

these napkins are fucking money you wanna get as many of these bitches as your fat fucking face will carry and he's just cussing at him and not doing dirty shit

so he gets fired and then I like that I like that so yeah if you have any bad hypnotist stories, please send them to me.

I love them. I don't know where we go from here. But what time are we at, Chaley? I'm not sure we've been picked up for distribution yet by the After the Wild podcast. Near the Wild. Near the Wild. You know, you would understand the podcast

if you'd ever been to Becker's house, but you've not been to Becker's house. You never got the invite. He doesn't invite you. In fairness, I was only there in Alaska once with Julie, my ex. It was a quick trip. He sat at the birdhouse. Yeah, he was at the birdhouse, had a cocktail.

Yeah. That's the thing about the birdhouse, back to Becker with magic, is that he's in a U-shaped bar. He's doing magic with people behind him. Yeah. First of all, Becker is funny when he's doing magic. So even if you hate magic, he's still hilarious. He doesn't try to be like an illusionist like that.

What's that? The Maldonado effect? Yeah. Oh, my God. You told me about that right carbon carbon carbon carbon let's not even go don't even spell it right no because yeah no you told me and then you go and then you can't google it he is so fucking ridiculously fake it's ridiculous the whole thing was it breaking the car windows out oh you have an extra one in there

and you go you're right a guy in LA would leave his car with the keys in it when he goes in the store and you come out and break his window and somehow you're able to roll an electric window up before he gets in his car. I go, this is so set up, it's ridiculous. And the one gang member is like, hey, you broke my

window, man. I don't have that kind of money. I'm like, really? Go break a window and yeah, you Carbonaro effect. It's called shit. That's what the Carbonaro effect is. But when Hennigan was asking about it... Wow, look, I'm gonna magically disappear from this closet

and then come out of it. That's what you should do for me. Sorry. Hennigan was asking, Becker has the best training ground for figuring out angles because they're drunk. He's doing it for people that are in the bar or worse than that. Bachelorette parties or people coming in for free drinks or whatever they do, you know, on my birthday or whatever. He's entertaining them and making them stay longer. And then the room resets every 10 minutes.

Yeah. And I've sat resets every 10 minutes. Yeah. And I've sat there for an entire shift. Well, Chilko Charlie's has 12 bars on one roof. So people just do the lap. Right. Somebody wants to go slow. No one's going to fuck me in here. Okay.

Do you have a rival? Is there another magical bartender in America? America! America! I will tell you. John Tamper. I would say, to be honest, and in all fairness, because I follow the magic thing and I don't hang out with magic guys,

so I don't 100%. Not since you broke the code in 1994. As far as what I do, it's in the top 10% of bar guys. I think I definitely could be in the top 10. I'm like Bingo at Twitter. Wow!

So, who else? You mean you're famous based on somebody else's? No, no, I'm saying what I do is there's only about 10% that do it the way I do it. There's some guys that come in and do magic. No, but listen.

It's a niche act. No, what I'm saying is what I do is I actually bartend and do magic. What you have is bar magicians that come in and do magic while the bartender's working. So people who do exactly what you do, how many are there? Probably. Do you know who they are? Do you know one or two?

I know pretty much all of them. Where? Las Vegas has like three or four of them. Okay, forget Las Vegas. Okay, let's forget Las Vegas. That's a theme of this weekend. Where are we? This weekend.

So, no, but like, you know, some bar, like something you respect, something you think he... Yeah, well, I mean, there's one guy, Doc Edison. Anyway, he's been doing it forever, and he was the guy who did it at the John Denver's place, the tower, whatever it was, in Denver. Not Denver, where is it? Aspen. All right. But he worked there forever. He didn't own the bar when John Denver's place, the tower, whatever it was, in Denver. Not Denver, where is it? Aspen.

But he worked there forever. He didn't own the bar. When John Denver died, the new owners came in and go, yeah, we don't want you doing it anymore. Get the fuck out, which could not happen to anyone in this room. That was a Rocky Mountain low. But he went. Hey, your boss died. And by the way, get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out. Clean out your magic box. Hey, disappear yourself. Yeah, your last trick. Get the fuck out. You've lit up your last feces. Yeah. But yeah, again, but the thing about Becker doing bar magic,

you get your fucking drink quick. Oh, yeah. That's not like cocktail. That's what amazes me in Las Vegas. He's flipping bottles. Just make me a fucking drink. Becker will give you your drink and then entertain you while you're fucking drinking. Sorry, they're just going,

this fucking term, mixologist or what the fuck. Here we go. It was horrendous. I couldn't believe it. I mean, when you take the platter, I go, you guys, you've done a good job remodeling, getting the crowd back, but it was unbelievable. It was horrendous. I couldn't believe it. I mean, when you take the platter, I go, you guys, you've done a good job remodeling, getting the crowd back. But it was unbelievable. We're at football.

One guy, he was so sketchy. He'd come up, take one order, and then run off and go take one on there because it's a big round bar. Granted, it's a big bar. But this guy, I don't know if he's disgruntled, if all the staff is disgruntled or what. You couldn't get a fucking drink. I got one guy.

I told one guy at the bar on Sunday for football. He was trying to get a Bloody Mary. We had finally gotten service. I got mine. And the guy runs off. He goes, fuck, I wanted a Bloody Mary. And I told the guy, oh, I'm sorry. I would have added yours to my order because I know they don't fucking come back.

I go, I'll go to the other bar on the other side of the casino and bring it back for you. That's right. And he goes, oh, well, he might come back. I go, want a bet? I read. And I got him two fucking cocktails from the other bar where the guy was nice and had nobody at it. And he goes, you got it.

And every time I walked over there, he'd give me. You are a magician. But I did. No, it was the funniest thing ever. That guy was amazing. I sent two Bloody Marys down. I go, there you go, sir. And he goes, how much?

I go, fuck it. I got it. I just wanted to be right. It's not me. And he was like, the bartender guy starts running over when I set the drinks in front of him. I go, oh, you're here now? Unbelievable. It's Las Vegas.

You think of alcohol. Is your best illusion pouring top shelf vodka? And then it's actually the cheap shit down in the bottom? No? Wow, that was a fucking nice runway run. Hey, I was going to wait. Are we done? We all fell off the same skateboard there.

It's a longboard. I think the problem with the bars out here, well, what we saw yesterday at the Sportsbook, video poker fucks it up because they have to tend to those people at video poker and yet we had a slew of people that are just waiting for

drinks and all we can do is squeeze into the service well where it's one or two people wide. I've been reliably informed and this is the fucking fuel in the fire for Doug that a lot of the Vegas bartenders and casinos is a union thing.

Try firing. This is the non-union plaza. You, like, try firing, try saying... Oh, this is the non-union plaza. You know that, right? Oh, I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure about that. They took union out of the union plaza. Yeah, they unplugged the sign when we first came here. It says union plaza on the sign I'm looking at

in the room right there. Ah, there you go. Yeah, that's the 1960s sign, yeah. It also said something Italian on the license. But no, and the thing is with Vegas, you just assume it's going to be good. And yes, they do have some carnival court and stuff with amazing flair bartenders. You can go on a Sunday and you're like,

these guys are amazing! You go, yeah, he's Sunday's show. You should see Friday. I want to ask Beck, do you watch Bar Rescue? I hate to ever... No, I won't. It makes me fucking livid. It's like, do you watch Bar Rescue? I hate to ever... No, I won't. It makes me fucking livid. It's like, do you watch fucking comedy? I watch Last Comic Standing because I'm in the business. And yeah, I know the bullshit behind it.

But his show is fake. It's not like... Yeah, no, he's the fucking biggest piece of shit ever. But it's not real. It's one I'm roped into. Bar Rescue, I just... Andy and I are both roped in just hating that guy. It's a form of entertainment.

Right. I used to do that with Nancy Grace. guy. It's a form of entertainment. Right. I used to do that with Nancy Grace. No, that's a different kind of hate. That's just I want to find you and kill you and kill your kids in front of you. But you're not entertaining me. Anything filmed in a bar, we want to watch because we're drunks, just like Last Comic Standing.

I know this is bullshit, but I'm a comedian. I know John Taffer is a fucking fraud, but I'm a drunk, and I like to see things filmed in bars. So I just didn't know if you watched that. No, I mean, I did. I did. But when you do it like we do, I mean, you go, I pray to God, like the stupid real bar owner, don't actually listen to him because his advice is so ridiculous.

He'll take a guy, this guy's stealing money, but hopefully he'll turn his act around and straighten up because the owner's losing his house. And you go, really? You fire him. That's all you do. Good. He's easy to get on Twitter, too.

They'll put out John Taffer drink recipe, orange juice and vodka, and then I'll tweet, brilliant, that's why you're my bar hero, John Taffer. And he'll read, you know, Whoever retweets it on his behalf. He's such a fucking stooge. But he makes a living. Did you see that guy that tricked Trump to retweet? Oh, yeah. It's quite funny.

No. It's some comic in The Comedian whose Twitter handle was like ya fecker. It should have been a giveaway, but he said to Donald Trump, my parents just died. You are a huge inspiration

to them. Here's their picture and Trump retweeted it. It's like the UK's most notorious serial killers. That's why I want a quick comedy is to go back to being Brendan Walsh funny and just fucking around rather than going, oh, I'm going to save this for the stage. Now let's fucking do

weird shit. That's how we're going to wrap up the near the wild podcast. And the Doug Stanhope podcast with Doug Stanhope and our special guests Andy Andrus and Brian Hennigan and Greg Chaley as always on the controls with

a special guest appearance by Steve Poggi. Currently out of the correctional institution. Out of the system. But living it up in San Francisco. And now let's either play the Matoid or what do you like to play?

Turkey and the Straw? I don't know Turkey and the Straw. Oh, it's a classic. Look it up. Fuck, you know what? If we knew those guys, for the Swapcast, let's close on... We should get the Moy to do Goddamn Turkey in the Straw. No, that would be good.

That would be good. No, no, no, no. Don't give the Matoy any hint of hope. Otherwise, he'll never leave us alone. Because you taught me the song. Fuck you. If you want to sue me for playing this, because you turned me on to this song, and Steve Poggi's here.

It's just fitting. Bartender, I really had a good time. Rehab. Broke my parole for the last time. Yes. All right. That's already playing. That's a good one. I was safe.

The dirt was off so I could get in. She was tripping on the bills. I think she was high on some pills. She threw my shit out into the yard. Then she called me a bum and slapped me real hard. And in my drunken stupor, I did what I should have never done. Now I'm sitting here talking to you, drunken on the run. I'm sitting at a bar

on the inside waiting for my ride on the outside she stole my heart in the trailer park so I jacked the keys to her fucking car and crashed that piece of shit then stepped away You know, Mo, I'll probably get ten years

So just give me beers till they get here Yeah, I know the sun is coming up And y'all are probably getting ready for closing up, but I'm trying to drown my soul. I'm tired of this life on a dirt boat and everything that I love is gone. And I'm tired of hanging on. She got me sitting at a bar on the inside waiting for my ride on the outside. She stole my heart in the trailer park. So I jacked the keys to her fucking car.

And crashed that piece of shit, then stepped away. Guess it was meant to be. Romance is misery, so much for memories. And now I'm headed to the penitentiary. See me on TV, the next cop series. I am a danger. I guess I should have did something about my anger, but I never Learned real things that don't

Concern, I pour kerosene on Everything I love and watch it burn, I know It's my fault, but I wasn't happy It was over, she threw a fit So I crashed a piece of shit And now I'm going back again Back to the pen To see my friends.

And when we all pile out that county van, they're gonna ask me where I've been. I've been at a bar on the inside, waiting for my ride on the outside. She stole my heart in the trailer park, so I jacked the keys to her fucking car And crashed that piece of shit Then stepped away Well I'm sitting at a bar on my inside And I'm waiting on my ride on the outside. You know, I crashed that piece of shit.

Then I stepped away. Yeah, I stepped away. You know, I crashed that piece of shit. And then I stepped away I stepped away And then I stepped away