The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #48: A Spooky Halloween in Bisbee

Episode Date: November 6, 2014

In between scaring kids and doing whip-its, Doug spends Halloween with Chad Shank and Ggreg Chaille going over highlights of the last midwest tour and his preparation for Australia. A special thanks to Eric Salter for the case of Grey Goose and a box of Omaha steaks. Also, Jesse at Sake Sushi in Columbia, MO was responsible for one of the most memorable meals of the tour. Thanks again.This podcast sponsored byEric Salter - Personal friend of Doug StanhopeBrown Paper Tickets - http://www.brownpapertickets.com/Sake Sushi in Columbia, MO - http://www.sakejapanesebistro.comSaxx Underwear - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/Mail stuff to Bingo at 212 VAN DYKE ST, BISBEE, AZ 85603Recorded Oct. 31, 2014 at the Suicide House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" and “Fuck Self Control" both by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes. Mishka's new cd is out Feb 2015.Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2015 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Thanks for listening.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la la and yes that intro was from Mishka Shubali who intros all of our podcasts for the most part that just went out on tour with us. We'll catch you up on the tour. But that was the Mishka

Shubali. Mishka M-I-S-H-K-A Shubali. S-H-U-B-A-L-Y Look him up. He closed the last fucking brutal week of our October tour. He was brilliant. He has the best drunkard songs of all time. He has a catalog.

He doesn't just have that one song. He's fucking brilliant. So you know what? Hey, fuck this. Let's play one other Mishka, just a clip of Mishka before we get into this podcast. podcast. Fuck sipping liqueur and fuck the wines that you've tasted. I'm not wasting my time when I'm out getting wasted. Well, I once had a dream where I finally got sober. I woke up, took a drink, and the nightmare was over. Yeah, I'm never gonna quit until the day that I die. I'll be snorting fat lines of vodka, eating a big cocaine pie. Hey, bartender, easy on the ice.

Ain't playing hockey, you know. Reach my hand into your chest if I wanted something cold. Vishka Shubali. Look him up now on iTunes. Grab his shit. It's fantastic. It's a spooky episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast on Halloween, but you won't hear this. That's Chad Shank and a whippet being blown into a balloon, which I don't know if you know this.

I have an irrational fear of balloons being inflated. Anything that might explode. And balloons? I've had to leave a Perkins at breakfast because there was some dumb cunt on a fucking Sunday morning making twisty balloon animals and they... I'm waiting for it to pop. Like someone holding a rubber band

stretched out into your face. It's not a fear, but it's like... You're waiting for that. Yeah, you're going to flick that in my face. Even though I know you're my older brother, you won't do it this time. Probably. Maybe.

Maybe. But sometimes they pop. Go ahead. Do your whip it. Chaley's doing whippets through a leather. What's his fucking leather face? Leather face. Yeah.

Yeah. This is actually. First of all, do your whip it and then take that dumb thing off because it makes you sound retarded. Chaley's trying to. Did you actually eat dinner through that? No, it was before dinner. He was talking to us, and he had to stretch the lips open

so you could hear what he's saying. We'll do a photo for the podcast with Chad Shank's mask, too. Oh, yeah. All right, let Chaley drift off into oblivion. Oh, yeah. All right. Let Chaley drift off into oblivion. The Chaley's now living in the old whiskey man, nowhere girl suicide house decided to set up a little kind of not haunted house.

But hey, we have candy. They put some skeletons up out front. Spooky music. Spooky music. Spooky lighting. And then Chaley's been sitting around wearing the leather face guy thing, waiting

behind trees for kids. But kids don't trick or treat. Like over on Van Dyke, on the other street, we know one person, one neighbor that has kids. So I had to call him up and go, listen, we're not at Van Dyke. We're at the weird house on Black Knob.

Go down there. Send your kids down there. And that's the only kids that showed up. We bought a fucking giant bag of candy. I feel disillusioned now. I didn't know that those ones. The one group of kids we had was this set up. We had to telemarket the fucking kids.

To come over to this goddamn neighborhood. I liked it when I was left out. We bought $53 worth of one bag of candy. Was that $53? $53. Well, that included your... Rubbing alcohol and Band-Aids. Yeah.

So it was probably $48. You weren't dressed in that mask when you bought $53 worth of candy and rubbing alcohol and Band-Aids, were you? I did say to the guy, I go, that's for the kids to wash it all down. mask when you bought $53 worth of candy and rubbing alcohol and band-aids were you we i did say to the guy i go that's for the kids to wash it all down and we and uh it was a local uh general store out here in bisbee and the old mercantile alco as we're walking out he said i think what that guy was wearing was supposed to be his ha costume. Oh yeah, he was wearing like a rancher. He looked like he was wearing a plaid like snap button shirt

and a cowboy hat. And then you realize, oh, that's probably a Halloween costume. But he just looked like any jerk off in this area. It's hard to get good help. So yeah, we're front-loading this podcast in front of the last podcast because I'm going to Australia and New Zealand.

So, yeah, I'm going to whore out those dates. There is, I don't know, Brisbane is where we start. Byron Bay, I think, is where we start. Brisbane, Perth. If you live there, you have to know about it. But, yeah, tweet it anyway or retweet it or do something. I think is where we start. Brisbane, Perth. If you live there, you have to know about it. But yeah, tweet it anyway or retweet it or do something. I don't know if anyone's going to show up.

I don't know if I have much of a crowd there. Yeah, hang on. Yeah, take off your fucking Halloween mask. Woo! That feels good. Can I smoke in your house one time just for this podcast? It's not my house. Ask the owner. Yeah, but you have to live here.

There's not a lot of windows that open in this place. Tickets are selling good. I saw one of the... Don't even tell me. I don't want to know. No, it's great. It's all brown paper tickets. Yeah, brown paper tickets are sponsored. Go to brown paper tickets. Yeah, brown paper tickets, our sponsor. Go to brown paper tickets.

Hey, young and up and coming comics like Junior Stopka on the road now co-headlining as he should be fucking not opening because he's lazy and if I kept having him open for me, he'd just rest in that pocket of fucking mother's

milk. He should be headlining and he is he's out there at junior stopka on twitter follow him because he can't fucking every funny like truly funny comic sucks shit at marketing they just won't ever i don't know will you tell people that you're going out there? Junior stop is out there and he'll be out there again in January. He had a great tease. Oh, yeah. During your second night.

We did two nights in Chicago. Reggie's Reggie's Rock Club. Fucking great place. And Junior, that's his hometown. And they're used to him being in front of me. But he was playing there like the week later. So he came out and he just did like three setups to jokes. If you want to hear the punchline to that one, you have to come to Reggie's Rock Club.

I can't do Junior. That's nice. I still, every time I try to do Junior, I do Hedberg. But it was wicked funny. And Dave Hellam was opening that night, and it was fucking wicked funny. Those shows are always awkward because they start at midnight, and then they stretch it. Well, everyone's not in yet.

Yeah, first night started at 11. Second night started at midnight. Scheduled for. And it's standing. And it's, I don't know, six or eight or 900 people. A shit face, dude. Yeah. They're totally shit.

People are leaving. They're like, we got there at quarter to 10. And the front bar, there's a bunch. It's a multi-stage venue, right? And there's a bunch of people out. The front bar is packed. There's a bunch it's a multi-stage venue right and there's a bunch of people out like the front bar is packed there's a cover band playing the people that are just for that plus the people came in early to go to doug's show or they're drinking they're front loading they're getting ready for the show the doors aren't even open yet so we get we set up the merch we get things going and the guy comes by and he's like wow man he's fucking shit-faced it's still an

hour before the show he's shit-faced and then doug's on and he goes how much longer is he gonna do and he's talking about the ciders and out and stuff i'm like this guy's a huge fan too and he's like i i just been drinking for so long i go yeah but people were here like at 9 30 drinking i've been here since 6 30 drinking it's 1 30 in the morning and i'm just getting my stride in the second night only because someone gave me an adderall which i've never really got into you can get them over the border in mexico and sometimes people show up down here and they're like can i score coke and i go you don't even want the coke down here so occasionally they'll go over and get adderall or ritalin which not a festive fun drug but i've realized oh very for a midnight show in chicago where you're

hung over yeah i did two hours the second night just to make it worse for all of you people standing, waiting for this fucking thing to get over. I did an Adderall, and all of a sudden I was very chatty. I'm going to take some risks here. You could pull a double, basically, by taking a half Adderall. That's ADD medicine, right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but it does give you a pep. medicine yeah i think i think so yeah but it does give you a pep i'm sure it's probably no different than a like a five-hour energy or a red bull which all seem like poison to me like i won't

i used to drink red bull and vodka just to be a little more alert and i think methamphetamine is probably on the same scale of the fucking disasters it's causing inside your body a five hour i trust cocaine even if it's shitty i don't feel like i'm poisoning myself i feel like i'm keep i'd i'd i'd rather do cocaine i bet i'd like to get fucking dr drew you had him you were you were on his show yeah like like break down like let's honestly break down cocaine versus five-hour energy drink. That can't be fucking good for you at all. If he's being honest. He has to be honest.

Thank you, nice lady. There's an ashtray outside. Oh. Bingo ticket. Might be up on the back deck deck up there like the back ledge i want to say i want to thank tracy for these sham wow coasters because they're also good at i don't know who thought of that because they're great we have we had a sham wow here and someone put down one sham wow for one drink and i i put the sham wow between he and i so we could share it yeah

like the fucking dogs eating spaghetti, the Dalmatians. That's what I wanted Chad Shank and I to be like. You fucking you want to talk shit? What did you do to the goddamn filet mignon? Eric Salter. That's who we're sponsored by. Eric Salter. You know what? I put out my

address and I say, hey, send goofy shit to bingo. And you all do at 212 Van Dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 85603 and you send a bunch of dumb shit but you know what eric salter from michigan proved you can you can buy my love and he's bought it in spades a current coffee maker he sends us like giant omaha steaks boxes with filet mignon and hot dogs and chicken and pork chops and cheesecake which we haven't got to yet i even made the raspberry sauce for it that'll be after the show yeah and uh and he doesn't bought like we played whatever that horrible outdoor venue we played last year.

Dr. Grin's. No, last year when we played the outdoor venue in Michigan. That was another multi-venue site too. Yeah, and it was outdoor. It was on Halloween. Oh, it was. It was near Halloween. It wasn't on Halloween, but they had it set up.

It was that weekend. Yeah, yeah, because they had a bunch of like props and stuff on stage. He texted me and said, hey, saw you, a bunch of props and stuff on stage. He texted me and said, hey, so I had a bunch of people at the merch booth, didn't want to bother you. You fucking sent me just all this Ron Jeremy brand rum,

which I didn't even know existed. He just gave us a fucking case of Grey Goose on this tour. Like, yeah, you bought my love. You can cut the line eric salter but he's like cool yeah fucking cool except for the fact that i'm used to coming over here and making my drinks with pop-off and i'm sitting here spinning the gray goose cat before i realized it's a cork i didn't know i spun the gate gray goose cat for 30 minutes What we do is we take the gray goose and we put a

cone in it, a funnel, and we filter it through cat litter into the papa vodka to make it back into papa vodka. We call it graying the taste. I have no idea where I was going.

You were going to bitch at me for burning the steak. Like cooking them. You fucking filet mignon. That was, yeah, it was jerky. Jesus Christ. It wasn't that bad. It was good. Wonderful steak.

It was not. It came right apart. It was not. There was nothing red in it. There was nothing red. You're right. I, yeah, I left him in the oven, finished him off a little bit too long. It's still good, though.

It was kind of like pissing on Eric Salter's grave before he died and the entire state of Omaha, wherever that is. All right. So, yeah, you can buy my love. I wasn't bitching about the Shamwows. I had Tracy cut them into fours, and now we have four excellent makeshift coasters that will clean the table afterwards. It's a great idea.

Yeah, I went to take a drink earlier, and my straw hit my nose and flipped out and made it clean up. And that's right back to where we were, straw in the nose. You said you've never done Adderall. Have you ever done any kind of upper because Because you're a very kind of up guy. Were you a cocaine guy? A meth guy ever? I did methamphetamine when I was younger quite a bit. But when I was in the Army, they prescribed me Ritalin.

They told me I had ADD and gave me a prescription of Ritalin. Me and my buddy used to snort it every weekend. We tried smoking it one weekend. It doesn't smoke very good. I mean, you're not supposed to be snorting it either no no i was supposed to be taking it like a medicinal you know like i had a problem but i don't i i refuse to believe that i had add i think it just fucked up in other ways but if you're gonna give me free ritalin i'll snort it while i'm drinking beer the first time we did that i don't know if we've talked about it on the podcast, was when our friend Babbitt left some at the desert party.

Out in Panamint. Yeah. We had no idea what it was. We didn't even know that it was an upper. We thought it would be funny to chop up his... He left a prescription bottle. He left a day early. So we just chopped up Ritalin and snorted it.

All I knew it was for kids with AD with add i didn't know it was speed i didn't even know people did that you know the actual name of ritalin is uh methylphenidate and uh i would smell it smelled like a jar of methamphetamine i told whenever i was abusing it for a while i'll shout out my buddy who's still in the Army, a recruiter, Sergeant Luke. We were snorting Ritalin and we be all you can be. My wife was like, hey, that's, you know, he knocked his shit off. So I went back to the doctor, Colonel, and I told him, hey, I don't I don't think I have ADD. And you guys have had me this prescription and I've just been abusing it. I said, I did methamphetamine when I was younger. I said,

this gives me all the same effects as methamphetamine. I don't think I should take this. Maybe you guys have something else you can give me. He looked at me, my wife was in the room with me and he goes, no, I don't think so. And he refilled my prescription after I told him I was abusing it. I'm going to request that you go up to three a day. Is that fine with you? I made this job complicated. It's the Army.

They don't want complicated. Pull that mic up next to your face. Sorry, sir. There you go. Well, yeah, pull it this way because we tend to talk towards each other. Yeah, there you go. There we go. No one looks at Chaley during this podcast.

I always fear my voice is loud and i'm annoying so i don't want to be not according to the emails yeah people love you not as much as james inman because you're not fucking batshit crazy all right yeah if yeah it crushes me that we don't live close to the guys that we like. Inman, you were saying, oh, he should do a weekly segment. I can see him doing the Andy Rooney segment at the end of every podcast. Did you ever know this? Get him wound up about something

and he goes fucking batshit because he's beautiful. The rest of the story of that night, we'll wait until the next time we see him. There's a bit of a cliffhanger because of that podcast don't say cliffhanger in this house on halloween there's uh the phone message after is just tagged on at the end because i figure we're gonna address it someday but

yeah it wasn't that great he made it sound a lot bigger than it was, but it was, yeah. But if you had him on the podcast, you could get him so wound up about that. That was a good one. That was at the Deja Vu Comedy Club. Columbia. That was one of the best standout of that tour, and it was a dismal fucking tour. This last one, October, it was mostly the weather just followed us. It was just rainy and shitty and 50 degrees everywhere we went we're going east so is that storm pattern of shit and yeah it just got ugly

quick but columbia was a fucking great town i remember the shows where i had uppers a couple times i did adderall and one rare event where i there was cocaine before the show which never happens and i never want it after you give it why didn't you where were you before the show well of course you were out there in the audience that was two days in albuquerque albuquerque we won't we won't name drop on this one but but thanks. That guy was great. Hey, I had some of that when we were in Albuquerque last year. Yeah, same guy. Same guy. Oh, shit.

Yeah, yeah. Well, that was last year. We got up to that roof party, and a guy asked me, you know, do you want to do some cooking? I was like, yeah, all right. So I went downstairs. They might have told this story before on here. The guy who was on Adderall or Redland.

We went downstairs and did about a line and a half each. Went back upstairs. I was trying to figure out which coked up conversation I wanted to join. And Jay Lee walks up to me and goes, about ready, bro? You ready to go? Oh, shit, yeah. I thought we were partying. I'm sorry.

But Stan Hope had a downer, and it was all good. Yeah, I just, that's off topic. I just got re-upped with new downers for this Australia tour, just for that 14-hour flight, because they're really meticulous about making sure that your prescription is valid and not expired. You mean when you – because international travel, they'll go through your bag and then they'll look, and if you've got some random pills, they'll go,

where's your prescription for this? Yeah, that happened to me in Canada early on. Canada? Before the time that I do the bit about that I'll be doing in Australia because it's not out. Yeah, when I was just like lackey, living out of my car,

crossing the border up by Vancouver, Seattle. And they went through my shit and they found two random pills after destroying my car, going through everything. I lived out of the car so they're going through old fucking tuna sandwiches that are on the passenger floor board and mcdonald's bags and they found two pills that were not and they go uh we found these and what are

these and i go uh i don't know a stewardess they're like sleeping pills i guess a stewardess gave them to me on a flight. Oh, good answer. And they go, well, you know, in Canada, you have to have a prescription. I'm like, oh, he goes, well, we're not going to do anything. Then why did you fucking call me over here? Just to prove that you can slap me in the face with your dick, but you're not gonna fucking assholes. So, yeah, we're all legit on our scripts australia fucking 20 bucks a pack for cigarettes and you can only bring in two packs every fucking civilized country on the face of the

planet you can bring a carton but australia only two packs and uh and evidently I said, well, I was doing an interview and I said, what does a vodka soda cost? He said, well, what do you drink by the way? I said, vodka, soda, splash of grapefruit. I said, what would that cost? This is Brisbane. He goes, probably between $15

and $18. American? Well, no. Australian. What does that mean? American is a little couple bucks cheaper. Let's say it's $15 a drink.

And you can bring in one bottle. We're going to be there for fucking 19 days or something. Hey, all you guys that come up to me after the show and say, hey hey you want to go hang out buy your drinks all night and i'm like yeah fuck that i have a nine dollar bottle of pop-off back in the fucking motel one i'll be hanging out with you guys i'll be acting like i enjoy your stories i'll hug you at the end of the night before the show i couldn't drink one more

you had a great idea last night and you probably don't remember it. No, I don't. Your idea last night was taking merch with you. Samples. Samples. I don't sell merch after the show. Fucking brilliant. You're going to have to tattoo that on me like memento.

I remembered it from last night. It was a great idea. Yeah. What you're going to do is you're going to- I don't sell merch. I'll trade it for cigarettes and alcohol. Cigarettes. Yep.

Like the Indians or aboriginals, as we call them. You got to put it out there, though, that you don't trade for a drink. You want bottles. Because you can't get a signed from across the street CD. I'll give you three of them to take with you. No, I get that fucking small bag. I'm so happy about how small I pack. You're just taking that one bag?

I'm taking that one bag and a backpack, and I have one other backpack that is just socks. Just 70-cent Walmart socks that I can just throw out every day. They're disposable. Yes, people, I have that kind of money. For only

70 cents a day, you can either feed a kid or or not do laundry in australia because if it says fucked up as laundry in the uk i want no part of it i have all sorts of old mismatched socks that if i'm not fucking working if it doesn't have to match my suit i'll wear those till they stink bad and I'll chuck them out the fucking window. That's fuck you money to me. Why don't you just trade old socks for booze? I haven't built up that kind of fan base over

there yet. Over here, I could probably get away with that. I'd probably sell old socks on eBay. That's not Paul McCartney, dude. Take one LP with you just so you have that one thing that if someone wants to barter it's a breakable don't take a broken one they probably they might only have turntables i don't know by the way uh if the podcast is not out for a while after uh you know while i'm in australia

it's because i'm in austral. I'm not bringing fucking gear. I don't have Chaley. I have Brian Hannigan, who's not the... Yeah. He's not the fucking pivot man you want for a podcast. No, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it unless it's going to go out.

Because I've done so many podcasts and they never go out and I'm fuck it. Fuck it. No. All right. Are you referring the one to the one that went three hours?

No, we've done several with Hennegan. I didn't, we try to get them liquored up and he's either not liquored up enough or we're all too liquored up and they just kind of fizzle. Yeah. Don't worry. I'll be dead someday and it'll be released as some shit.

And he'll go, why didn't we do more? I always said. I wonder how much Brian Hennigan factors in like, well, how long will he live? You know he's a calculating cunt like that. Like an insurance guy? Yeah. You know he's always got – he's planning three balls ahead on the billiards table. He's got something in mind.

Do you have life insurance policies on you? Because after this – Oh, no. No, I have no life insurance. No, no. Does he have one on you? Do I have no life insurance. No, no. Does he have one on you? Do I have one? Hell, I'm going to take one out now.

We're talking about it. Yeah, that's celebrity death pool right there. And I'm not even a celebrity. Yeah, that's really playing the odds, right? Yeah, God knows what he's up to. But, jeez, oh, that's what I was up to. But, jeez. Oh, that's what I was getting to. Swapcasting in Australia.

Because I've had a couple of emails saying, hey, do you want to do a podcast? But I have no fucking idea where I'm going to be, what the travel is like. And if you're across town, probably not. And if you're across town, probably not. But if the opportunity arises to swap cast quickly, easily, and it's right there. Someone who has a podcast in Australia or New Zealand, if they get in touch with you in advance, they may be able to do it. And probably not. Probably no. The beautiful thing about doing Australia is I really don't know anybody there.

So I don't have the social obligations that we do after shows. Every fucking show, even when you are with us in fucking Montana and Wyoming, most shows, there's somebody there. They go, ah, fuck, I got to hang out. Yeah. Which isn't always bad but you don't want to have to you have no merch so you really don't have any other than you have other than cigarettes poster brian got posters for some reason what what yeah i think we have posters i don't know it doesn't matter i don't mind doing the meet and greet because there's no one that I have to, like, that's hanging around wallflower-ish.

Except Ben McCowboy. Ben, sorry, I wasn't trying to be a cunt when I sent you that email. Ben and Prinny. Ben and Prinny down in Melbourne. Yeah, we'll hang out in Melbourne. But Ben was, like, going to go on the whole tour or something. I'm like, no, Jesus fucking no way. I don't even know where I'm going to be.

And then I'll be hyper worried about, well, did Ben get here? Okay. Fuck you, Ben. I'll see you in Melbourne. I picture him being that guy in Mad Max who has the helicopter. Ben was the guy in Panamint. Yeah. I think they're the ones who had the pickle martinis.

No, that was Arthur Hintze brought the pickle and pickle juice and vodka in a big jar, like a mason jar, but oversized. OK, but this guy is the guy who wore all black. And someone said to him, someone said to him, what are you mocking the sun? Yeah, that's that was first year shit, right? Yeah. Every one of our podcast seems to drift back to panama springs we never talk about it otherwise it's a sign yeah i don't it's a sign we're fucking old and have no new stories oh no tony soprano said something to that effect in one of those episodes where all the guys are sitting around the clubhouse bullshitting about the good old days

and he chastised them for fucking having no news stories. And it hurt. It hurt me particularly. So swap casting. Oh, fucking NFL football. Every goddamn interview I do

for Australia, I have it written down, ask him, where do you watch NFL football in your town? Do you even have it? Is there a bar? Is there a channel? You're going to miss three weeks of football.

No, no, you'll have this weekend. You'll miss two weeks depending on when you come. I don't get back to the 29th. Oh, you get, you will miss three weeks.

It's there somewhere. It's there somewhere. Yeah. So yeah, shoot me a weeks. It's there somewhere, right? It's there somewhere. Yeah, so yeah. Shoot me a tweet if you get this. Hey, we're going to take a really long break, and we're going to leave it in. So just sit there and listen to silence for like 40 minutes.

All right, Australia, New Zealand, we're coming. November 11th, we start in Brisbane. Actually, don't we have another, was that a secret date? Yeah, we're going to go to Byron Bay. Byron Bay, we're going to start out. And then Brisbane, we got Canberra. We have Sydney, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne. Sorry, Darwin, I tried my best.

And soon we will be adding Auckland, New Zealand, to end it all. Not to end it all. I have other plans for that. But, okay, now back to the podcast. Already in progress. All right. I listened to the Bill Burr podcast and pretty much solely the Billy Burr podcast,

Billy Redface, Build-A-Burger. And he's sponsored by MeUndies. MeUndies. MeUndies. He has his song stuck in my fucking head. But he gets paid by MeUndies, so he doesn't really mean it. We've been sponsored by Sax Underpants

since they didn't want us to be sponsors. We've been paid by Underpants. Yeah, we got some free underpants and we like that and we're fucking... So now we're trying to come up with a Sax Underpants jingle to rival the MeUndies underpants

on the Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast. It's a very good podcast. It's way better than this. But Saks Underpants. Ready? Saks. Ah! Rulers of the Underpants universe.

Saks. Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Saks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was legs and such. Sacks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know. All right.

Maybe we'll work on that for the next podcast. This is Chad Shane. And when I'm at Stanhopehope, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. I do it.

That's HD Fatty. Hyman, Doberman, Fatty fatty with a y i don't know that was hyman doberman all right a quick interstitial here while we fucked up this podcast, we're going to do a little Who Would You Rather Day Drink With? Go ahead, Chaley, throw them at me because people keep chucking these out on the Twitter. All right. Who would you rather day drink with? Joan Rivers or Phyllis Diller?

Joan Rivers for sure because I don't know shit about Phyllis Diller, and she seems more like an act where Joan Rivers was a deeply sad fucking fucked up person. If you ever saw the documentary. But I don't know. Phyllis Diller had like she was back in the day in like it was all guys. She has some great fucking stories. She might, but I don't know anything about her, and I'm not going to be like Tony Kornheiser in that dumb sports show where they have – ESPN. Okay, who's the better wide receiver?

We disagree on everything. Okay, go. Who's next? All right. Who would you rather day drink with, John Wayne or Clint Eastwood? Day drink, again, we have to reemphasize that day drink is different than just drinking with. This is slumped over a fucking bar that nothing's going on. You just have to talk to him.

But I'd have to go younger. I'd have to go Clint Eastwood because I don't know a John Wayne movie. John Wayne is a guy. I'll tell you why you're wrong right now. He was drunk on stage when he was doing a speech. I ain't talking for clapping. That's it. Yeah, I know that.

Oh, my God. Don't you want to drink with that guy who went up in front of, he was being paid for that appearance, and he got wasted before. You might be right. All right. John Wayne is a guy who played the most badass guy in America, And he got wasted before. You might be right. All right. John Wayne is a guy who played the most badass guy in America, and his name was Marion. You got to fucking hang out with that guy in real life.

It's getting to be god damn diculous. God damn diculous. Getting to be god damn diculous. Who takes their stool in a trash can? If it was my day, they'd beat the shit out of it. All right. How about this? Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Definitely Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger would fucking lay down some stories. Stallone, his stories. He did porn, but you know he was bored doing it. Fucking Schwarzenegger. Yeah, no, definitely Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger tried to hide all his bad shit he was doing. He would have better stories.

Well, yeah, day drinking. It'll come out. You're not censored during day drinking. Stallone was trying to be famous. Schwarzenegger kind of knew he was famous and would just take advantage. He was famous before he was...

In his own mind. And he would have better stories. Stallone was trying in his early days. Schwarzenegger was... And he was probably trying not to fuck up a lot of times to ruin his image. Schwarzenegger was... And he was probably trying not to fuck up a lot of times to ruin his image.

Schwarzenegger fucking just kept on... There's a small man desperation to Stallone. Gotta be on that mic. I don't have anything to say. You've got plenty to say. You've got to be on that mic. Do you need to turn it? This is very important to the fucking history of the world. Go ahead.

My Schwarzenegger versus... What's his name? It was lost to history. I'm sorry. Go ahead. All right. How about this? Robin Williams or Jim Carrey?

Oh, fucking Robin Williams. Really? I can't imagine Jim Carrey even drinking. Oh, my God. He was... I just heard him on the Howard. You didn't hear this. Tony Kornheising me.

But the Howard Stern interview with Jim Carrey this last week was so good. Did you hear that? No, tomorrow, tomorrow is on schedule to listen to that Stern show. And so I was looking forward to it, but Jim Carrey annoys me. No.

If I was drunk, day drunk, I'd probably punch Jim Carrey in the fucking face. Maybe it's Howard Stern's ability to bring out someone. Because I would have said the same thing you just said until I heard the interview. It was really good. And it comes on the heels of this. No one who's always on, as they say, comes off and is cool.

Anyone who's always on, they like break character and go hey i'm not gonna be the goofy guy anymore but that was robin williams robin williams yeah but he was doing cocaine and fucking drinking and he was fucked out of his head when he was oh i guess you need to hear the howard stern interview with jim carrey all right well maybe I do. Until then, it's Robin Williams. Are you saying that Jim Carrey did Robin Williams proportions of cocaine? I'm saying Jim Carrey has a lot in common with you, Chad. Tomorrow is cannabis awareness.

Tomorrow is a fucking problem. Oh, he smokes weed. No, no, no, no, no. That's question. Sorry. smokes weed? No, no, no, no. Next question, sir!

Chad, you'll be on the next podcast with Brett Erickson hosting. I can't read your handwriting. I'm trying to read your notes. I know, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get ahead of you. Well, we're trying to find someone to put Roseanne against. Who would you rather day drink

with, Roseanne or who? We can't find one on that one. That was one that stumped us. No, we already used Chelsea Handler. That was my first thought was, and I've already day drank with Roseanne, so it doesn't count. So right now it's like, Roseanne, we can't find someone. We can.

We just haven't thought about it. I'm putting it to you guys right now. The back of the room yelled Chelsea Handler. We have already put Chelsea Handler against Courtney Love. I'd rather drink with Chelsea Handler. It's already been on a podcast, I think. I'm going with Chelsea.

I think Chelsea Handler and I would end up not getting along. Even though we seem like we would be kindred spirits in drinking, I think we'd end up butting heads. But it's not whether you're going to butt heads with the person. It's like, would you rather drink with them than the other person? But I think we would butt heads. Courtney Love, you think you could sit down with Courtney Love?

Ah! Kurt left me! Or whatever the fuck she's going to say. She's fucking horrible. Yeah, she would be annoying. She's horrible. She would be annoying. We're talking about day drinking.

I don't think Courtney Love would get out of control until later. Oh, Jesus. I think the day drinking. All right, I might be wrong. I think she'd walk in and you would leave the bar. I listened to her last interview with Stern, like you said before, with Stern. And yeah, no way. No, she's a fucking horrible person.

Unhandleable. All right, go ahead. Bruce Willis or Woody Harrelson? I got to go Woody Harrelson because he's a pothead. Yeah, that would definitely be your pick. Yeah, no, I'd definitely go Bruce Willis. I think Bruce Willis, too. Although I really like Woody Harrelson, like his choice.

He's got that kind of awkward smirk. You can see that at a fucking bar where the light is glaring through the front window, and he has that squint. He has that squint that would look cool, and no matter what he said, it would seem cool. Oh, it looks good when he cocks his head back. But I'm not a pot guy. But potheads, generally, we don't care about a lot of shit, so that's not real

fun to hang out with. There's a lot of actors that you, when you're just looking at them, you think, you don't really have an actual personality. You only have characters that you play and woody harrelson to some extent if you do have a real personality this is probably you're a dullard like me bruce willis probably has like i think that is his personality The guy he always plays because he only plays one guy.

And I like that guy. But I agree with you. Woody Harrelson, I couldn't pick his personality in the lineup. No. There's no way. Because he does so many different things. I mean, go back to Cheers. From Cheers to Zombieland.

He's a fucking great actor. Great actor. But I don't know who the fuck I'm sitting next to when I order my fucking Michelob ultra. Yeah. All right. But he's got that father was a murderer story, but it's kind of played out. Go ahead.

Next. All right. I got to flip my page here. Don't don't keep looking. I can't. We got another. I don't have my reading glasses. All right.

How about this? How about this one? Who would you rather day drink with Dan Aykroyd or Will Ferrell? Oh. Hmm. Nice. That's a good one. That is good.

I'm going to go. Let's let Chad go first. Go ahead. Dan Aykroyd or Will Ferrell? Chad has a basic answer, which is... I don't like to drink with the people I do know. Get up. Can we get someone else in the seat?

I ruined the game, so don't ask me. Go ahead. But you can have an opinion. If Dan Aykroyd... Hang on. It's Sunday football in the Funhouse, and I have a late flight. I'm not going to get in until the afternoon games,

so you have to do me a fucking solid and be the first guy there. And as you or either Will Ferrell or Dan Aykroyd shows up, as you're trying to figure out how to make turkey chili for the gang, and you're alone. And they show up awkwardly as well, like, I've never come to football here. There's two guys there. Who do you talk to to get the ice?

I think that I've seen Dan Aykroyd's pictures lately. It looks like him and I have the same eating habits. So I think we might be able to hang out. We live in similar body types. We might be able to hang out. We live in similar body types. But maybe if Dan Aykroyd was the judge from that movie that he was in with John Candy. What the fucking... He was the Reeve. You don't remember that movie?

I don't remember the name of it now. John who? John Candy. All right, never mind. Dan Aykroyd. I go Dan Aykroy go dan i would go will ferrell uh just because you know like pretty much you know everything about dan akroyd and i say this is an older guy who feels like he's become too boring to be around will ferrell has stories you don't know dan akroyd all his stories are like he was the friend of a guy that was in a biography. Older Hollywood stories.

Yeah, he's not. I think Dan Aykroyd. Yeah, he's going to pitch Crystal Skull Vodka. Yeah, that's true. Well, yeah, I'm in marketing now, and that's the thing. Okay. Will Ferrell is still like. All right.

But that's a tough one. That is a tough one. John Candy versus Chris Farley? Have we done that? That's a good one. That's my closer. No. Who do you got?

That's a good one. I know who I would pick. I'd have, again, older dude, I'd have to go with John Candy because Chris Farley, I think he'd come out of the box like that in a Jim Carrey kind of way where he's like too much too early. No, no. Chris Farley would be the guy who like you walked in and you walked into the bar with this guy lighting up the room that's

that's but that's who i would want to be hanging off i day drink soft i'm slouched i just want to talk for a minute then that's john candy john candy could talk chris farley couldn't talk you'd sit down next to john candy and then you might get into a conversation with him. Chris Farley, you'd be dragged into that conversation. Immediately, it would be a fun day. You'd be doing lines of coke by lunch. Well, that's true. Well, Chris Farley might be coming out of the night before

and then I don't want to see a sad Chris Farley. I can't imagine a sad John Candy. He's pretty much stayed. He has a slow arc up and down. Chris Farley, when he doesn't... Chris Farley on a serotonin drop. Fucking wet-eyed and like... Yeah, he's not saying a word.

We have a closer? No, I... I'm going to give you this one. Who would you rather day drink with? Jerry Springer or Maury Povich? Oh! You've been working. Definitely Jerry Springer, but I have a vested interest because I did his show.

I'd have to go Maury. Just because you got to get into his head. It's like, do you really understand what you're doing to daytime TV? Jerry Springer got fucking fired as the mayor of Cincinnati for paying a prostitute with a personal check. That's how they busted him. How do you get a hooker to take a personal check? True.

He wins fucking. Just for the answer to that question. All right. He's up playoffs with Bill Murray just for that. He will never get to the conference championship. All right, we'll end it with... I got a lot more, but we'll end it. This is the game.

We'll keep playing it. It's who would you rather day drink with? But right now, we'll just put it out there. We have no one to go against Bill Murray. That's the whole point of the game. Can you find someone who can even compete against Bill Murray in the who would you rather day drink with game? Tweet me at Doug Stanhope.

You can tweet at Greg Chaley if you can figure out how to spell it c-h-a-i-l-l-e or at hd fatty who doesn't really like to play this game because he doesn't like people he doesn't want to day drink with stars you me anyone he'd rather be home killing people in his in his thoughts all right back to the podcast we're on we're back uh that uh break was sponsored by eric salter michigan who bought my love thank you eric thank you eric we've been drinking good ever since that gig. Yeah, we have. We've been drinking good. I don't know if there's a way to smuggle Grey Goose in your ass. Those bottles are pretty sleek. You can get one in there.

They're long, though. They're taller than a regular bottle. Yeah, but I'd probably stuff it full of cigarettes if I had my druthers. He's emptying the Grey Goose down the the drain and then he's stuffing it full of uh like marbles yeah i was thinking like they don't sell ever clear at duty free but if you could get like 180 proof liquor at duty free and then just meet it out just a couple of splashes into a like half a shot instead of a full shot for a drink. Right. You know, smarter men have hang on.

Please hold. There's still fucking. We had to break right there. We broke just in time for only our third group of trick or treaters. Chaley went fucking hog wild to make up scary music in a scary front door. And he's got an outfit. And Chad Shank has a mask, and I have a mask, and Tracy is all dolled up,

and we have the whole scare tactics thing going on a small, small level, but more effort than anyone in this fucking neighborhood put in. So, yeah, so they're still out there chatting and squealing. I love Jay Lee. Wait, hold on, hold on. We'll have to start the music. Well, I went. We were going to take a break to get a drink.

So I grabbed my drink. But I go, oh, you know what? I'll just go open the door. Because I'm smoking. Because it's hot in here. And as I go to the door to open it, they're walking up the steps. There's like six, seven steps to get up to the door. And I'm like, oh, wait, wait.

We've been waiting all night. But no, you audibly said, wait, I have to start the music. I broke the fourth wall. Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. First of all, Bingo's had a bad psychotic day anyway. So like she's had some, not episodes, but in a funk. And now we're in the suicide house of Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man, where you have it set up as a haunted house playing screams and murder sounds for the children who never come.

Well, yeah, we've had three groups in four hours. And so Bingo had to leave before we talk about her. Because we forgot this when we're talking about Columbia, Missouri. One of the highlights of the tour. That day, great vintage shops. Can't remember the names of them, but you can fucking Google them. Don't even. Don't even.

They were overpriced. Fuck them. Vintage shops. That's where Bingo got the Michigan band uniform. Yeah, she did. Oh, yeah. Hey, vintage slash rental shop. If it says rental only and she pulls the tag off it

because it matches the outfit she bought. And you fall for it. Yeah. There you go. You shouldn't have been doing your homework behind the desk. You should have been watching us. Yeah, she got a Michigan Spartans band uniform. Very nice.

Very attractive. Then she met up with us at sushi because she doesn't eat sushi. She'll eat some edamame. She'll drink some miso, but she wants to be somewhere else. So she went somewhere else. Meanwhile, We Walk In A Sy was the name of the place, if I remember accurately. And the fucking bartender who turned into our server

because we ate at the bar. Jesse. Cool as shit. Saw you in Nashville on the previous tour. He's like, I'm sorry, I can't get off. Or I couldn't get tickets. I'm like, it's the same shit. You fucking see me.

Don't see me closer than a year apart. If you see me fucking six months apart, I'll have fucking four new tags to a bit. Fuck off. Beat it. Wait till the new album comes out with the shit you saw all polished up and then see me suck with new stuff. Beat it. And is the uh tuna fresh so no no so he comes up and he goes hey doug stanhope oh fuck i can't i was at your show and bingo was across the street eating something she likes like uh

it was agreed that she was gonna meet us after she got what she wanted to eat. So we set this whole thing up where we were going to convince Bingo that we were eating cat. And it was a flawless improvisation where Tracy started it. Yeah, Tracy read on Yelp that they serve cat here. And she starts reading a fake yelp on her phone and bingo but it's not really tough to trick her but but the the key is is you make it a conversation between everyone at the table and not like hey bingo did you hear they do cat here it's like uh hey oh my god on yelp it says they do cat here and doug's like no way and then jesse we had

the bartender in on it so and it's always you never trust the mark to act that's hidden camera number one but he did fucking flawless i'm like do you really? It says you serve cat on Yelp. Do you know that? And he says, well, yeah, it's not domesticated. It's feral. They're feral cats. And Bing goes, and I had all. Her ears pricking up like a donkey turning their ears like, well, what was this? Hey, Bingo, will you eat cat?

She's like, hey, cat, are you really cat? How does it even come is it like nigiri or is it he goes you can get it as sushi or you can get it nice detail you can get it as sushi like sashimi or you can get it in a salad because we already had it set up as octopus salad is what's going to come out so he brought us octopus salad out. That salad we had already eaten our fill of. He took the rest of the leftovers and doctored it up. Like with the squiggle of wasabi mayonnaise in a swirl, like a smear of like sauce. Yeah.

He made it look like fucking hell's kitchen. Like he was trying his best to serve this. And then we start eating it a little bit. Tracy goes overboard where she's eating it and pretending to gag and then drinking her pint glass of water where she, you don't know if she's going to throw it back up into the water or swallow it and swallows it. The detail that she did that I loved when she put it in her mouth with the

chopsticks, threw the chopsticks down. Like, oh! Threw them down. And then gulped a whole pint of water. It was a great detail. Nice. It was good. And then we're picking at it. And then Shaylee just takes the biggest chopstick full, like almost the whole plate, and just starts gnawing on it.

And Bingo's audibly nauseous. Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm like, I actually enjoy it. I take as much as you can grab with two pieces of wood and

shove it in my mouth. It's like eating a handful of rubber bands. Stop it. That's gross. You know what was great? Jesse went back to the kitchen, and the owner took the plate, and he's the one who put the schmear on it. They were looking for antenna.

When we set them up for the gag, they were looking for the antenna from catfish. Oh, shit. Sticking out like it had whiskers on the salad. That was a good night. Did she eat some? No, no, she won't eat anything. She won't try crab.

She will joyfully not eat anything. She doesn't even care. Unless Johnny Depp serves it. Oh, really? She ate some fish. I forget what it was. She ate some fish and loved it when it was Johnny Depp's private fucking chef. Oh, you can't?

I'll just throw up. Oh, yeah. Not if Johnny Depp feeds you. Yep. Maybe Johnny Depp needs to give her, air quotes, cat. Now we know where our fans really stand. What was Jesse saying? Jesse say it was like he was saying cat.

Oh, did you enjoy the cat innards? Oh, that's right. Yeah. No. While we're eating it. Good little. No, no. While we're eating it, I go.

Is this mostly. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is this mostly intestine? Yeah, it's mostly innards. There's a little bit of whatever. Nice. Yeah, it was just seamless. He's great.

And you're right. You could never, like, fed him the lines that he gave. It was perfect. Beautiful. If you're in Columbia, Missouri, and you're looking for some feral cat salad, go to Saki Sushi and ask for Jesse. We voted number one.

Yeah, that was a good one. That was one that Columbia, Missouri, you're kind of worried about. Springfield, we already played. We know that's a fucking death trap. Fort Wayne, Indiana. Never been there. We've been to some sketchy fucking places.

A couple of... Champaign, Illinois, maybe DeKalb. Oh, fucking Fargo, dude. What was the Indiana place where we had to drive 50 miles because there's a fucking football game to get a hotel? This last one? No, last year. Doesn't matter. It's like 50 miles north of Indianapolis.

That was the A1 incident at Steak and Shake after. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's what I remember. I don't remember. No, that's a different town. We had a Shanghai out of that town and drive all the way to Indianapolis to get a hotel room

because we're somewhere north of Indy. It doesn't matter. Yeah. All right. At least the point is that town at least had a college. It was a piece of shit town, but it had a college that might fuck you. Fort Wayne had nothing. Fort Wayne.

I don't want to I won't play there again. They were kind of, they were nice. There was nothing wrong with the club, but it was everything that predated what I started doing. It was in this time warp where there's still a 1988, and I was fascinated at just all the headshots of old comedians that I was an opening act for in the shitty days. Mark Eubanks, this guy, like I vaguely remember going,

are you wearing makeup? And he goes, yeah, it helps with the rosacea from the drinking. He's still trying to get pussy. He's probably younger than me at that point, but he's still trying to get pussy. And I always thought, that guy's dead, and I could never remember his name. And then I saw his headshot, same headshot from 1992

at fucking Knuckleheads in Minnesota. And I go, is that guy, you know that guy? I guarantee that guy's dead. He goes, no, he just worked here like two years ago. But you went down the entire length of that bar, which is about 40 feet. Bud Anderson. You just kept hitting headshot after headshot. And everyone was like riveted listening to your story about what you knew about that guy or the last time you saw him or is he alive?

Bud Anderson was like one of my first when I got that house MC gig in Phoenix, my first regular thing. I did comedy for six months, moved to Phoenix chasing a girl, got a house MC gig where all I got paid for was a hotel room in the hotel the club was in. So I got a free room. I had a place to live and then I'd scan that.

For the week? Forever. I was a house MC as long as I was a free room. For a whole thing? I had a place to live, and then I'd scam them. For the week? Forever. I was a house emcee, as long as I was the house emcee. So I stayed there, and I scammed free food from the cook in the restaurant. Yeah. And I lived, and it was great. And these guys, Bud Anderson, I remember. Bud Anderson.

And I got a free rental car. is Bud Anderson. And I got a free rental car. No, I got a rental car because when I was at the airport, it said, Bud, get rent a car. This is Bud Anderson. Get a budget rental car. And he got fucking sponsorship out of that.

Back then, he sponsored. He talked someone into it. Yeah, God knows where he is today, but he's still on the wall at Snickers with a Z Comedy Club in Fort Wayne. This fucking weird owner. You would have fucking freaked out if you were there, Chad. Well, hold on.

We were running so late because it was over six hours to get there. We had a couple nights where our next morning's drive was really long. And this one, we left a little an hour later than we should have. We should have left an hour earlier. And I thought there was a time change, time change with Indiana, which there is at a certain point. Indiana's like split part of it. So I don't know. We show up five minutes before we're supposed to be.

We doors were at six doors. They they dug in. B, dropped us off at 5.50. So Tracy and I went right in because we're running the door because it's one of those places where they don't want anything to do with it, so we're going to do it. So we're taking credit cards. We're tearing tickets to get in. And it was the weirdest thing.

And fairly packed. I mean, we had a good turnout to begin with just on brown paper tickets. And then we didn't know how many were coming in. But then there were two cops. Full uniform cops. On a Wednesday. Uniformed off-duty but uniformed cops. Working security.

Front door, back door. Two. Two on a Wednesday in Fort Wayne, and I have a closer. And Australia, if you want to look up Christopher Dorner, I'm still going to be fucking talking about this. It's homework. One of these special bits that,

at the time when I was riffing on it, it was, you go, all right, this is a bit I'm not going to put too much effort into, because it's timely. And a month from now, no one will remember. Two years later, it actually fit into a whole other piece where you go, oh, this is a nice connecting piece. But it's about a cop that went fucking rogue and started killing cops and their families and children. And, of course, I'm on the pro side.

their families and children. And of course, I'm on the pro side. Knowing this is my closing bit, knowing there's two fucking hayseed cops that are working for... The owner is creepy enough that when I get let in the back door, I go, okay, can I go back out here to smoke or is it locked?

And they go, oh no, it's alarmed. The owner's really sketchy about security. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to turn off the alarm. I'm going to let you go out to smoke, and then I'm going to lock you out. But if you knock, someone in here will hear you. It's a fucking Wednesday in Fort Wayne in a strip mall. Like, what are you hiding?

Wouldn't a bad, wouldn't a bad guy also knock? And then you open the door. What the fuck? The owner who was not, I just killed the guy out here smoking cigarettes. Can I come inside? The owner who has nothing but pleasant.

Yes. But still, I don't feel bad talking about him because seeing who he books, he doesn't know what a podcast is. But someone will tell him just to try to climb the ladder to get, you know, stand up, talk shit. All I'm saying is he looked like he had a toupee

that was burned in a fire. And he could save it? It like this is still good i can use this if your kid dropped a stuffed animal into the bonfire and you grabbed it just in time but it's it's all molten down it didn't it didn't ruin the integrity of the animal but it singed everything right to the fabric. I get it. It's somewhat recognizable. But the worst part is I'm pretty sure it's real hair. Oh, really? I think it was absolutely real hair that was just really unfortunately tended to. Either way, it was fucking weird.

So I get these cops on either side of me. And as I go, I mean, I don't want to go through the beats of my set and give shit away. But you're like everything is something that's going to piss off a Hoosier Midwest corn poke fucking cop. Who's I? We were worried about shit being planted in our bags like, hey, fucking watch the merch bag because we're we're gonna have a porky situation we get pulled over the one one spinning light on top of the roof like the blues brothers mississippi burning blues brothers yeah just slapped it on the top of your roof and pulled even a cop car today it's like i don't know pull over in fort way. And so I'm just fucking working the cops the whole show like a bachelorette party.

You don't want to get out of control. And I'm bringing them into the set. And they turned out to be really like over the top nice. I mean, I get the whole story. When I went out to smoke cigarettes after the show in a place away from the crowd, the one cop would go with me like they're worried i'm gonna be killed or something and uh yeah he told me his entire story like you i said are you from here and he you're a native and he said well i left for to

go to marine corps and i was in the marine corps and then I had my mother and he told me his whole life story. It's just this sweetheart kind of... After your set? Yeah. Yeah, it was really nice. So they took to the Dorner story, all right. Well, I had to massage them. Like, I started out like, oh, Jesus, when I get to my closer, I don't want to see the look.

This guy's at least smiling, but that guy, I don't know. It's the same way you used to. The whole set, he was making comments at the cops and drawing them in. It was really interesting to see how, because why the fuck were the cops in the show? They were in the showroom, and I kept going to Tracy. I don't know if I liked this. They were watching the show.

They were at the doors until the headliner's on, and then there's nothing to do. Yeah, I can watch the door because we're setting up merch. But I'm like, why is he in the room? But there's one at the back exit and one at the front exit. Watching the show. I don't know what's happened there. Any comic who has, I know there's got to be legendary stories about Snickers Comedy Club that I would love.

So if you're a comic that has a good story about that, it was such an anachronism. Big word this late in the podcast, but it was still very, very creepy. And the bad cop, there was one that was laughing the whole time and one that was kind of more in the light. I'm going to tell you right now,

we haven't talked about this, the big tall guy, that's not the guy you're talking about. The front door was the bad cop. The short guy, the shorter of the two, that's the guy you're talking about. That's the guy I was worried about. Yeah, I was worried about him too. And after I'd hung out with the other guy out smoking and told me his life story, and it was really cool, the other guy came up and he was like mr stanhope my name's

whatever and it's a pleasure to meet you and it was a fantastic like he was like almost gushing as much as a cop can gush it was very nice but we were fucking seriously worried it was a wicked hayseed uh situation yeah, tell me your Snickers stories. Yeah, something had to happen there that they have cops watching the back doors on a Wednesday. Two on a Wednesday. The fact that the owner made his, what did you call him, high-functioning manager.

Let's just say that. High-functioning manager. Lock me out to have a cigarette at 7 15 p.m on a wednesday because he's that worried about security at first we thought maybe there's some graft where the cops like make you higher security or otherwise we're gonna you know watch your patrons on friday saturday your patrons are gonna get a lot of duIs. I won't say, oh, Comedy Works Denver, long time ago. Oh, man.

So that was that. And the next podcast, this was the show of I'm assuming this will go out before the last one, which will go out next. No, tease the Peoria. I'm teasing it now.

Peoria was, and I've worked there forever, and we had fallings out on every level at that club, which is fantastic because Brett Erickson is moving out. He was the guy that I wanted to go to Peoria to see. And, yeah, that's the next podcast. It was, yeah, a big falling out with the fucking owner right before the fucking show. And then that drifted into a heckler, which we didn't even talk about. Never mind. I won't even

the tampon thing well no there was a tampon thing that happened years ago in Minneapolis where a girl threw a tampon on stage at me and I jammed it up my ass not actually in my ass but as far as the audience can tell

and then I just left it in there and went on with my act and then later on pulled it out of my ass put it in my mouth and then chugged a beer and then waited for it to swell up and then swung it around like a rat and threw it back at her and someone i can't find it to this day, but someone drew a cartoon of that. That was at the Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis, probably 1999 or 2000. And it was someone's bachelorette anniversary party, and someone drew a six-frame cartoon and put it on the internet of the situation of me with the tampon. And I found that.

I remember it because I was just new on the internet then and i found that thing oh wow and then i i tried every way to google search it for a few years after that could never find it but i stopped myself from doing that when she's throwing tampons going i've already done this gag one random time i did that but i felt like uh that's plus i didn't want to give her the satisfaction. Anyway. You're professional. Someone may have been in the audience in Acme and at that show

in Peoria. You don't want to seem like a hack with your tampon. Can you talk about your disability, Chad? Somewhat. Well, you just got upgraded. Like, I have fucking bingo i have uh you know my own uh retarded person like your wife has in you but you just got upgraded manage yeah well

i just got i'm a million miler now i'm diamond status on delta and a million miler you think they'd let you bring more booze to australia as a million miler. You'd think they'd let you bring more booze to Australia as a million miler. You'd think. You'd think, yeah. But that's the same way bingo is just a measly gold medallion. But now you just got upgraded over bingo in disability status. What do you want, my new official? you get all sorts of shit bingo's still like roughhousing it yeah yeah i got a i don't know it doesn't seem funny now it's but no it's

well you get they changed your diagnosis this is great because i don't know what you're talking about so uh you're new this is new to me. All right, that helps. I got upgraded. Well, not upgraded. It's the same diagnosis I've had except for now they've decided that I'm permanently and totally disabled, which means I don't have to go back for any. Like a reevaluation or something? Right, where they go in and ask me questions and make sure I'm really a lunatic.

They don't have to do that anymore. And this is the United States military that's checking you. Yeah, VA. That's why I don't want to say too much. No, no. That's all right. I don't want to fuck myself. But the new diagnosis.

The new diagnosis is borderline personality disorder with bipolar disorder with cannabis abuse disorder cannabis abuse disorder listeners how to make how to make money in your spare time i won't tell you how much money i make but what are they what do they prescribe you for cannabis abuse disorder right the same as Ritalin where you get more cannabis? Borderline personality disorder basically means that no medication is

going to help you and you're fucked forever. That's why they gave me this. So that's why you don't have to go back and worry about it. I'm not on meds. I'm on cannabis as my med. The same way a cold used to be in the 1600s. There's nothing we can do. Nothing we can do about you.

We got to wait it out, really. Wait a minute. Bury him alive. One thing that they're prescribing you is also part of your disorder? They don't prescribe me cannabis. I have to do that through the state. Oh. But they won't.

Now, they won't deny me like pain medication. Even though I have, you know, used to be that if you had cannabis, if you tested positive for any kind of drugs, they wouldn't give you pain medication. Yeah. So now the rule is that since I have a state licensed car to smoke cannabis, they'll give me pain medication, which I don't get, but they would if I wanted to. Isn't the cannabis taking care of that? That's why I don't want the other one.

Besides that, I would just abuse it like I did the Ritalin, and I don't want to fucking go down that road again. Cannabis is all right. I can abuse the shit out of it. That's all we need is Chad. It doesn't make me a more horrible person. That's all we need is Chad snorting cannabis. Yeah.

I have enough threats to society as it is. I don't need to be having drugs. Oh, that fucking shit you were telling me about the neighbors. Because we had a neighbor. We have a rental property next door to us. Wait, here? Yeah, where neighbor Dave used to live before he moved to the other street up on uh yeah right next door neighbor dave's place next to van dyke 212 van dyke if you want

to send me stuff uh the address will be in the show notes yes okay uh and when it would go up for rent it's tweaker central depending house by by house. Oh, nice house. Good people. Fuck tweakers. So you don't want to moving in next door. And we had all sorts of plans. Once one person left there and it's for rent, you go,

okay, we're on fucking tweaker alert. If you see people looking at the place and they look like tweakers, but we're never, we're on the road so much, but you, you live 20 miles outside of town. Yeah, I have two empty houses on my street.

You live on a dead-end road. Dead-end road, dirt road, horrible dirt road. People don't want to go down. I like that. I have four-wheel drive, so I don't mind that it's a horrible road. You are the hills have eyes. Everybody's like, let's fix the road. Fuck you i like it nobody comes down here hey i'm out there digging potholes what do you we're not fixing this road exactly you didn't see me peeling out

there in the middle of the night yeah i have people come all the time and there's the house right across from me is for sale but i don't but you had a neighbor d Dave situation where at one point all your neighbors were cool. We're back at that point now. But they were all weed smokers. Everybody smoked weed on the whole block. On a dead end road. On a dead end road. It was great.

We'd just be smoking weed out in like a block party weed smoking session. Yeah. And you can see, I can see a pig from a mile away. That kind of, Hereford's kind of flat. Yeah, it's a fucking dirt road suburb, this is what I call it. Nothing out there. Now. It's kind of like the way life should be.

Like, you guys all understand each other. No, this was for a while. What's that? Yeah, for a while it was like that. That's when it was always now it's now now we have two houses for sale on the same block vacant and for sale vacant for sale for like two years but the ones there's one straight across from me which my dog i have an american bulldog mary jane which looks like a beast she's a sweetheart but she looks like a fucking beast

so every time people go next door to look at the next door house she's i let her outside and she barks like crazy and then i i grab her around the neck and hold on like i'm holding her back make a show of it yeah yeah yeah you can't kill them unless they come in the fucking yard don't as soon as they come in the yard you can eat them they're yours baby and i just watch them as they fucking leave we're're all right, as they tell the realtor. In your wife beater shirt, all stained. Sorry to my neighbors trying to sell their house. Fuck you.

Buy it from them on the cheap. Turn into a slumlord like me. Yeah, and then knock it over. Except you couldn't tolerate tenants much. I got a lot of kids. I'll run rented my kid. We had one sketchy guy that lived there. He was never a problem, but he was...

That was the one next door, right? Yeah, the fucking... I still, to this day, wouldn't know him if I saw him in Safeway. Because he was always, like, you know, had a hat pulled down low, and... I don't know if he's... He was definitely growing weed. I'll say that. He doesn't listen to my fucking podcast. Fuck him.

Fuck that guy. Yeah, so when he left, that's when we go, oh, this could be a problem. You're thinking ahead. Yeah, we thought maybe if we set up a fucking surveillance camera after it was vacated and they're looking for new tenants because that guy will obviously rent to anyone get a fucking a video camera

surveillance camera face towards the front door so any tweaker that's thinking about moving in tweakers focus on shit like that they have peripheral vision you do the uh we support neighborhood watch and and you don't even need a camera. Like now cameras are cheap. They're everywhere. They're disposable. You see them. You could put one of those

like fucking fake plastic ones up there and have the neighborhood watch sign underneath and no tweak or whatever. We have the drug-free 15 passenger van that we parked in front of both.

This is before the stalker, our not stalker, stalker neighbor who's actually been doing manual labor on the driveway. Like a pickaxe? Debbie, no. She's been out there shoveling fucking gravel to put in the pavers and stuff.

Oh, out in New York. Shawnee hired her and her boyfriend Harley. So yeah, we tweeted a picture of this is what happens if you want to be a stalker neighbor and move to bisbee next door grab a shovel and i have a picture of her she looks like a coal miner she's at the end of the day she's a fucking soot all over her face from yeah grab a shovel and move on down. I'll put you to work. So before she moved in there and the one right next door to us was open, I just parked the be drug-free van on the sidewalk. So anyone that's wanting to rent either of those houses sees be drug-free. And then we have the fucking what looks like a cop car for a car anyway.

Yeah. So we're good. We're back to good neighbors. Here's to good neighbors. Stan Hope is there. Here's to good friends. Tonight is kind of special. The beer were poor.

Yeah. Must be something more some way. No, somehow. Tonight, let it be low and brow. Whatever happened to low and brow? I always wanted to go into bars, but the joke would be only funny to me that you go in and order a low and brow.

No one knows what that is. There is no more low and brow. No. I didn't think about that. When I was in elementary school, I remember the graffiti was low and brow by the stoners. I always thought that was the pinnacle. When I really made it, I'd be drinking a Lohenbrau.

When we were kids, Moosehead and Lohenbrau were like the high dollar beers. If some kid showed up at a kegger and had Lohenbrau or Moosehead. Yeah, Lohenbrau was the silver foil on the neck. What happened? Michelob. There's a lot of this shit that still exists, but not in business. Regionally. Yeah, certainly not.

I don't think Lowbrow exists anywhere, does it? I don't think so. Don't know. Well, we'll figure it out afterwards. If you like this podcast, spread the word. Tell people. Junior Stop could follow him on tour with JT Habersat. And that's, I think, what did you get?

Oh, Super Bowl. There's no Super Bowl party. I get done in Australia. I get home on November 29th, and I am purposely leaving my entire future open. I am retired as far as I'm concerned. I've done this before. I always come back.

But, yeah, I want no obligations, including Super Bowl, which turned into too much of a pain in the ass. Perhaps if the Arizona Cardinals make it or the local fan favorites, the Green Bay Packers here in Arizona is fucking all Packers fans. You fucking move back to your tundra, you fucking. Yeah, maybe we call an audible at two weeks out from Super Bowl. But otherwise, Super Bowl is canceled. We want to go watch it on a beach somewhere

and not have to cook food or glad hand. So, that was a perfectly timed cough. I'm retired after Australia. I was going to say you can go fuck yourselves, but that's Bill Burr's tag. So, eat my fucking candy-coated ass. We're going to go eat cheesecake brought to us by Eric Salter, a pharmacist from Michigan who's bought my love, and I love you,

and we're going to go eat your Omaha Steaks cheesecake. All right. Good night. Good night. Sorry, that was a perfectly timed cough for Black Sabbath. All right. Good night. Sorry. That was a perfectly timed cough for Black Sabbath. Did you want to play Black Sabbath at the end? Play the Matoid.

Fuck Black Sabbath. Part time. Part time. Party time Party time Party time Drink your drinks and eat your eats It's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time.

Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more!

Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Here we go! Party time, yeah Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time. Hey! Party time, yeah! Party time. Party time. Party time.

Party time. Party time. Party time. Party time. Party time. Party time.