The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #49: Peoria's Last Stand

Episode Date: November 12, 2014

Doug details the incidents of his last show at the Jukebox in Peoria, IL with local comedian Brett Erickson and owner Dan Conlin. Buckets shares his customer experience with owner Dan.This podcast sponsored bySaxx Underwear - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/Plastic Jug VodkaMisdemeanors - http://www.drinksmixer.com/drinkb1c4498.html#ixzz3IntKlXSDMisdemeanor recipe1 oz Crown Royal® Canadian whisky1 oz DeKuyper® Buttershots liqueur-Mix liquors together over ice. Strain into shot glass.Recorded Oct. 15, 2014 at Juke Box Comedy Club in Peoria, IL with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brett Erickson (@BrettErickson68), Dan Conlin, Buckets and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Check Doug's tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take a moment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Additional dates added all the time.Thanks for listening.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I liked about you in the end. La, la, la. We need Brett Erickson to start this, to kick this off. Carrie Mitchell's just saying her goodbyes. We are at the Jukebox Comedy Club

in Peoria, Illinois, after a show that was just absolute perfect chaos. One of those shows where you're kind of in control and everything's going fucking haywire, but you know enough of the landscape where you go, I can fucking deal with this. I just don't know how at the time. And it was fucking beautiful.

I've been working the jukebox comedy club. I'm here with Brett Erickson. Don't worry. No, you can go piss. I'm setting it up. Brett Erickson, who's one of the fucking funniest comics. He's been on the podcast before. comics. He's been on the podcast before.

We've talked about I've never seen anyone better with fucking violent crowd heckling. This club is a piece of shit. I mean, this town is a piece of shit.

And you get the dumbest fucking crowds. Peoria, I used to talk about it. They changed the backdrop. But they used to have Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor portraits on either side of the stage. Because they are both from here. And I would say when I'd come and play here in the early days. Don't say they're from here. Say they left here.

Because that's the only reason they're famous, is they got the fuck out of this horrible town. It's glass half empty, half full. The positive spin is they left. Yeah, salute them for leaving. And so the kids, Brett Erickson's kid and his fucking sorority friends are here i don't know what they're doing we get a live audience the show was fucked from the outset

dan the owner who is this nebushi weak fucking shaky dude he's not in the room yet we're hoping to get him on the podcast to talk about this live right now we'll talk behind his right now he's cleaning the fucking cat shit out of his office oh really he's not hitting on the last girl in the place he's this guy that i said this on stage when he wasn't in the room i didn't know he wasn't in the room. I didn't know he wasn't in the room. I was hoping he was. But he would... How long has it been? Brett Erickson is on mic now. Do you remember... What, the first time you were here?

Yeah. It's going to be at least 13 years. 04? No, because that poster is from 04. I was already established. That poster... The only thing on the wall in the green room is me and D.L. Hugh was already established. That poster, the one, the only thing on the wall in the green room is me and

D.L. Hughley. Well, that's because that poster was Schlissel made it. But that wasn't my first time here. I had to be here for years before that. I don't know. I remember right after 9-11 flying in here

and I lost my driver's license on the plane because I remember opening with, because you can't fly without ID. I go, I'm going to have to live here. They'd have to get another mural. Except out of Peoria, they actually just let you leave. Well, you actually, you have to get, like, they ask you a bunch of

questions and they fucking get in a walkie-talkie and they they talk to it he seems okay all right let's let's let's set up the shit first okay dan this fucking nebushi owner that just he would sit around when i'd work here early days and he'd just fidget and twirl his thumbs and sweat and pet his brow and go, I hope we get people in here because I might lose money on this thing because I don't know. It's always hit or miss with these people. He's like Gil from The Simpsons, the salesman. Like, old Gil is not, he he's not gonna be able to make the rent this month and you're like and i said on stage i said that's like if i were in his office

before the show going i don't think my material is gonna work this new stuff it's just not hitting i think i better retire don't put your fucking problems on me whenever it's a slow weekend he puts it he'll put it on the comic where he'll go i remember one time he said to tom simmons who was one of the funniest comics in the fucking on the planet and and no one was coming to the shows because they don't know who fucking tom simmons is but that's not tom simmons fault so dan says to tom he's like hey uh you know we could set the record this weekend. And Tom's like, what are you talking about? Lowest turnout ever.

Like, you just told the comedian that right before he went on stage? By the way, that's not Tom Simmons' record. That's your record, dude. He just won the San Francisco comedy competition. This isn't his deal. This is not his record. This is not his record. This is your club. Quit doing that.

It's his weekend. Hang on. First of all, you have to give me a high sign if he walks in behind me because you have the eyes on the door. I got it. So there was one time when I was working, fairly unknown, but there was like a bonus, $250 bonus if you sell out the room right they came into the green room and took the chairs from under our asses to fill up from

and then make sure you didn't no because more people were coming in they didn't have seats for them they took literally took my fucking chair from the green room to put and told me we missed the fucking sell up by just a few seats couldn't make i go really you fucking took my own chair where else were you gonna put people and he's like all right well i'll give it to you even though you didn't really he's such a fucking absolute maniacal cunt he he has to be right that's the thing when he would just what you just said right there is exactly it like when he says well i'll give it to you even though you didn't actually sell out the room like like he'll give you the money that's fine but he wants you to admit that, well, you didn't actually. Like, he has to be right. He has to.

He'll have a line around the building. And then as people are trying to filter in. Get in here. We're trying to fucking set up this whole problem with this lady, Dan. Where were you? Come on. Jump in. This is Dan Conlin,

the owner of the Jukebox Comedy Club. Since Dan bought the club in 2000. I always say this used to be a pizza hut. No, it used to be a transmission repair shop. There used to be a garage. I know I'm pointing on a podcast, but there used to be a fucking garage door right over there when the when the club first opened in the late 90s uh there was just a brick wall behind the cloud of just cinder blocks it was just a plain brick wall and they had painted uh in in spray paint jukebox comedy club and then

they had an arrow pointing over to the garage door that said garage door. It was so weird. I see old pictures or old videos and I'm like I mean it hasn't improved a lot since then I was talking about how you used to have Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor on either side and I'm like they only made it big

because they fucking left this piece of shit Even in Richard Pryor's documentary, he said, when you make money, people in your hometowns, they don't like you anymore. And he never felt welcome here, I guess. Well, because he's black. I don't like the blacks.

They don't like you anymore because they call and borrow money from you and you say, no. I'm a white person with a job. I left. Oh, whoops. All right. So let's start with me being fucking angry at you. That's okay. I totally got sensitive right before the show.

Shaylee said, man, just so you know, you can't record Doug's set. And I'm like. First of all, you had just said that to the audience. Absolutely no videotaping or recording. Except for me. Because they're going to post it on YouTube, and I never post anything. I just have it for my own collection. And plus, I miss half of your show.

I'm out in the bar half the time. I want to watch what I missed. And once you miss it, you miss it. You can't get it back. Like the lady throwing tampons on stage. We haven't got to that yet. Don't get ahead of ourselves. For posterity's sake,

that would be fun to have. And as that happened, I was running around the room. I left the stage saying, wow, I should have fucking let Dan tape this. Oh, man. The thing that bothered me is that

he hit you with it right... And then you got into a pissing contest right before I go on stage. And that's why I felt bad about it. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, I know. That's why when I realized that, I'm like, God damn it. I stopped the recording and I said, I'm going to have to apologize at some point because that's the part that bothered me.

And then he started it back up as soon as Shaley walked out of the show. Yeah, I wish. No, but I wouldn't have done that. It was like a 30-second gap. It would have been a nice show to have. And it's not for none of it goes on the internet. None of it does. But you get moments that you can't get back.

Yeah, you know what? That's true because that's why Shaley tapes the shows. Audio recordings. Audio recordings. Can't really see 10. First of all, you can't see me leave the stage because it's a solid. All right, let's cut. But I am sorry about that.

Totally. And I felt bad shortly after. So I went up in a fucking rage. Like, don't fuck with me right before I go on stage. And I'm yelling at you without explaining to the audience what had happened. And I'm yelling at you. Go like, come on. I'm trying to remember new shit.

I'm trying to remember old shit. I'm trying to remember old shit. I'm trying to remember any shit. And now all of a sudden my fucking tour manager and fucking weird Dan. That's why I had to hit stop on the thing when I'm like, oh man, he's all fucking pissed. And Chaley came up and said, he shut it off. And then it was all good.

And I brought you up and we had a hug the first time that you came here you were pissed and I'm like I didn't want this to be the last time it was when you wanted to invite Ralphie May up on stage when he was in town playing that other he was playing that other shithole maybe it was the second

time you were here and I'm like god damn I'm getting off on a bad foot with him because I didn't want Ralphie May I don't think that was the first time I was here it was the second time you were here. And I'm like, God damn, I'm getting off on a bad foot with him. Because I didn't want Ralphie May. I don't think that was the first time I was here. It was the second then. Yeah. It was late 2003. You came twice in 2003.

Because if there was another club the first time I played there, I would have been there. I can tell you this. If anyone remembers, it's Rain Man. He fucking knows exactly. Well. If it was twice in 2003, then Dan's right. It was. It was March and October 2003.

That was a fun night. Ralphie May came from another club that had just started up and he came over here after his show. And I think we had topless girls on stage. This is when this is when we were in the sweet spot of the man show being a thing where you said to the crowd, well, we're going to do auditions for... What was the name of the girls on the

man show? The trampoline girls on trampolines. Yeah, we're going to do auditions. Juggies. Juggies. We need auditions for juggies. So just come on up. So we got a bunch of girls to come up on stage. Yeah, seven or eight. And then the winner, i'm making

air quotes on a podcast the winner was a girl who uh showed her fucking beaver to everybody that was the only time the winner that was the only time in the history of the club i locked the front door when these naked girls were getting on stage i'm like damn locking the front door i know that's so they don't get out. But you and Ralphie were like, the further they went, the better their chances of getting on the show. And then you had three or four girls get topless.

And then the one girl, she had an exotic dancer history. She took it down to the bottom. Exotic dancer history. That's the name of my indie band. And that girl was Meryl Streep. Exotic dancer history. And now you know her as meryl streep meryl streep that was yeah and so i don't know that things like that don't happen very often and that was recorded on a video yeah there's a video

of that yeah but it's not on the internet on the fucking internet that's something that should be just out of respect i mean it's just uh it's just out of the fact that I can't find it in my fucking massive hoarded collection of bullshit. I don't know where it is. Put it out on the fucking internet. See, that's the thing. You don't want your shit that's new to get out there. You don't want recordings of... The old shit.

It's fine. But yeah, classics. Yeah, put it out there. But you don't even know where to find oh yeah i do yeah that's that's separate are you ocd at all of course like because chaley said no he does this every week or maybe someone said maybe you said like no that's what he does he records he doesn't remember to do shit i know that when there's a line around the block i think i was talking about this when you walked in there's a line around the block, I think I was talking about this when you walked in, there's a line around the block,

the show's getting late, and you're hitting on fucking every girl and doing jokes when you're fucking... Hey! What's your name? Are you on the list? You're really fucking slow getting people in because you're chatting. I do chat with people

when they come in. You chat quite a bit. If it's too much business-like, it's like you're just a ticket taker. You don't want to be like a business-like. You want to be like a business. I said this on stage. I definitely draw a fine line between what makes sense and what doesn't. I said this

on stage, and it actually holds true. I said, how long have you been in business? He said, 24 years. I go, that's how long I've been doing comedy, and I look like I shouldn't be in business anymore either. I know. I mean, maybe that'll

change in a year. I don't know. But what I was giving you shit about behind your back is you would always just fidget around. When I first worked here, I was at no name, and I was getting a guarantee and you're like, oh Jesus, oh God, I hope we make money.

We'll go to radio and hopefully that makes some people come in because I'm going to lose my ass. I said, that's like if I were in your office before a show going, oh fuck, my new material, it's not going to work. I'm not funny anymore.

Believe me, it's just with time you learn not to say stupid shit like that for the talent. Because it's not their fault if people are there or not. It's not your fault. It's not your fault or not. You always fret tonight. You know what I mean?

Make sure the mic's near your face. Just audio issues. Sorry. No, I'm not good at podcasting. Make sure the mic's near your face Just audio issues Sorry I'm not good at podcasting He's from radio Tonight We pull up here at 530 I see you pacing the parking lot

I know your head space I know you're going I'm going to lose my ass Everything's going to go wrong I'm doomed to lose my ass. Everything's going to go wrong. I'm doomed. We pull up and you say you didn't get the brown paper tickets. Names.

Yeah. So Chaley in front of you says, OK, I'm going to email you the will call list. Right. So then when I get your AOL account, I get a hotmail. I can't fucking. No, wait. You can't. You've had an AOL account. I'm not hotmail. I can't fucking. No, wait. You've had it forever? You've had an AOL account forever? I'm not kidding.

I just got it. You didn't just get it? I just got it. He's had it forever. It's a hot new thing. I just got it. He's had that forever. So it's cool.

What are you guys using? I get a hotmail. I can't give you shit. He's had it forever. Everyone's been ahead of you. It's hot. Mail. It's hot mail.

And he sends it to you and then verifies he sent it to himself and you at the same time. He goes, I just got it. Tell me immediately if you don't get it. Right. I went inside. We're going to go to fucking sushi. An hour and a half later, you go, I don't have the thing. I called him three times.

He didn't answer. Well, we're at sushi. I didn't know. I mean, I checked. As soon as I went into my computer and I'm like, this is getting sort of towards showtime. the thing you called him three times he didn't answer well we're at sushi i didn't know i mean i checked as soon as i went into my computer and i'm like this is getting sort of towards showtime please answer your phone and yeah it all worked out that's that's a beef i have with chaley he's like he's your phone yeah it is it's never on oh i must have turned it off for the podcast it's always off for a reason oh man but but then he called you

and he's like you go i can't handle this i know you're breaking down 24 years down 24 years i'm breaking down i'm breaking down but it always works yeah man i take it personally. Yes, that's a fact. Dan Conlon takes it personally, you guys. If you make a reservation at the Jukebox Comedy Club and for whatever reason you don't show up, Dan Conlon takes it fucking personally. He will call you. He will find you. He will find you.

Oh, Jesus. If I've talked to them. This is not an exaggeration. Not even close to an exaggeration. It's real I stopped my closer Trying to not say throw you under the bus Because I hate that cliched expression But I'm going to do

An analogy of that to you If I can remember the story There was a story about you Calling some girl In the middle of the fucking night Who had called to try to make reservations on the answering machine.

You called her at like 2 in the morning going, yeah. Do you remember this story at all? It's made up. I just don't remember the details. I hoped Erickson would know. That was some weird story. That was years ago. You're a changed man.

I don't know. 50%. No, my favorite is that, like, listen, if you make a reservation and you don't show up, Dan will fucking call you. And he wants answers. Why are you not here? Well, how old is the kid? Is it whooping cough or is it Ebola? So, so It's a whooping cough versus an Ebola

So then it's, you know If you get, this hasn't happened lately But it happened back in the day You get a, he would get the He would get a voicemail, you know And then he would leave some fucking Hate-filled message Like, you made a reservation for eight people

And you're not here, what the fuck Like, this is why America is failing right now. You know, people are fucking being like, you can't do this to people. Like, I made a... And then he would slam the phone down onto the receiver. Shrunk. So it makes a noise.

And then, 30 seconds later, that party of eight would walk through the fucking door. Wow, okay. And then he's like, oh. Hey, when you get home, disregard the message on your machine. I think that happened one time. That happened one time. I can't remember.

Hey, you suck one dick forever. You're a cocksucker. You know the old saying. Sorry. Yeah. Man, I have softened it up a lot. What? Yeah.

In recent years. Because now, like if I have a conversation with someone and they make a reservation and I talk to them and I know their name, they're coming and I say, just let me know if anything changes. Maybe I get a credit card. And you look up the girls on Facebook. Let me know if anything changes. Come on.

Who doesn't do that? See their pictures? Anyways. But now when they don't show up, I'm just like, I say, hey, what happened? And it works out. But man, there used to be a time where I used to snap way hard, you know, especially it was Dan. Sometimes when you call people who have made reservations, you don't even say hello.

You say, when they answer the phone, you go, hey, what are you doing? Like, that's the very first thing out of your mouth. Like, that's very off-putting to someone who's picked up the phone. But so is not showing up for your fucking reservation when you said you were going to show up. Maybe they have a legitimate excuse. I mean, you should at least say hello. Like they don't give a fuck. Do frame party too? You know what? You know why I do that? I'm going to show up. Maybe they have a legitimate excuse. I mean, you should at least say hello. Like they don't give a fuck. Dufresne party too?

You know what? You know why I do that? I'm going to fucking find you, Dufresne. I'll hunt you down. You know why I do that? I'm worried about the Dufresne. You know why I don't do that? Sometimes, many times in the past, you say,

hey, it's Dan from the Jukebox Comedy Club. And they hang up on you? Click. Yeah. Yeah, that should be a fucking clue. Maybe that should be a chance to say hello i was on a no call list it's i remember when i would rant sometimes it was it always got it was always a personal thing it was always made me feel like this when you said this is what's wrong with america i sometimes

felt like this is kind of what's wrong. Doesn't anyone have any common fucking courtesy that if they change their plans, they just say, sorry, we can't come? I love that shit. I'd say, OK, but people that just don't give a fuck about the conversation they had with the owner of the comedy club and they don't even have the courtesy to say, hey, you can't come now. What's wrong with just having a. And they don't even have the courtesy to say, hey, you can't come now. What's wrong with just having a – you don't have to send a letter by Pony Express to let me know. It takes three weeks. Right.

You can just go, boop, and you're in touch with me. Bye. We can't come. Thanks. We do a seating chart for every show, so all the seating is organized. You have the first table table two tables in the room empty right before showtime then we're scrambling to fill those seats so the comic's not staring at an empty table of eight chairs i mean all right well that segues us into anyways after after i

opened the show by yelling at you tacitly i didn't i didn't address the problem except you knew what I was talking about. Of course. I knew what I was talking about. Going, this is my last time ever being here. How dare you fuck with me right before. I was so angry. My fucking hands were shaking like they do in the morning from alcoholism. Only now I'm drunk

and they shouldn't be shaking. I was that pissed off. You don't pour that on a fucking comics head one minute literally before showtime so i addressed that then chaley solved that then some fucking cunt in the audience yeah this is one of those problems where it was so overt that people say was that a plant yeah and in 24 years of comedy i have there's no such thing as a plant in comedy one time at a festival there was a comic who did had a gag where he was a psychic a fake psychic right and he was so he had plants to play along with the persona but not a plant to this woman kept fucking yelling and

she's with this behemoth guy fuck i'm a personal trainer he's just thick neck i'm trying to think of who he looks like uh he looks like a giant fucking you know one of those guys from the world's strongest man competitions. And she's mouthing off. I'd already asked him what he does for a living. I don't do crowd rap. It was specifically for one bit. And she just starts mouthing off as soon as I talk to him.

And he's telling her, like, literally zip it. He made the hand motion. The clappyappy shut your fucking mouth and she kept going and i ignored her because she's with this dude i started it kind of but not with her she left for a while i thought maybe he throw threw her out she came back and on her way back from the bathroom or wherever she threw something a piece of paper at me. I ignored it because I'm in the middle of a bit that this is a 15-minute chunk. It needs to fucking ride. I don't think you said this yet.

There's front and center. They're at that table of eight in the front of the stage. There's no ignoring her. She's in part of the light that is a spotlight. She started making cat sounds at some point. Just kept going, wow, wow, wow. And I'm ignoring all of it because

there's this fucking Hercules guy at her. And then she came back from the toilet or wherever the fuck she went and she, on her way to her seat, threw a piece of paper at me I ignore it because this is a bit I have to stay

focused then she sat down and threw a tampon at me I ignored that then a second tampon got thrown at me and I'm like fuck you you have to go I don't care how big your fucking husband is you gotta fucking go and he's shaking care how big your fucking husband is. You got to fucking go.

And he's shaking his head no. And I'm like, I thought he meant no, she doesn't have to go. He was going, no, I'm not with her. I'm not fucking with her. How did that happen? And I'm like, no, you have to fucking go. I'm not going to continue. And then that just like, fuck yeah.

No, you seriously. All right i'll go and i left the stage and i walked around and i shook hands with people in the audience hey how's everyone in the back hey everything and and your friend i thought luckily uh luckily security from the jukebox jumped right in and and tossed her right out. No, it was your friend. I walked into the back. I know, because there's no security at the jukebox comedy club. There is no security. He had some fucking giant friend who's all water belly, but at least

he's six foot seven. He'll crush her like a fucking watermelon. Yeah, go deal with that. I'm going to go say hi to everyone in the fucking room while you take care of that. Now give it to Chaleyaley because she gets thrown out. Chaley and I are both, as always, dressed like 1970s anchorman douchebags. Well, at this period of time, Dan and I were out in the front of the bar.

And I'm like, do you need to take care of that? And he goes, no, it sounds like they're doing it. So it progressed. And that guy came out, nicest guy. And he goes, hey, she's going to stay over here. I'm like, you know what? This isn't my deal now. This is Dan's deal.

If she stays in the – because I'd just throw out the fucking side. I wouldn't even let her go through the front. If she stays in the, because I'd just throw out the fucking side. I wouldn't even let her go through the front. I think I made reference to that on stage, that Dan's probably hitting on her rather than throwing her out. But she sat in the bar and continued to yammer to another guy who we wouldn't even let in. The front bar, not part of the show.

That we wouldn't even let in the club. Yeah. I don't know who that guy is, but he was weird. So he's hanging around and talking. The whole time. Yeah, and I don't know what possessed her to continue to talk about how she was in the right. That somehow if he was any kind of comic, he would be able to handle the situation thrown at him. That's what all hecklers think. They're idiots.

But this continued as Tracy and I are setting up merch. It's his fault he didn't deal with hurling repetitive tampons at him. Why didn't he have a comeback for that? I stumped the comic. Doug, this is exactly what she was saying to this crazy man sitting next to her going like, Really? Yeah, you know, you got kind of a point. I was like, what the fuck? How is this?

And this is how her... And it's continuing as we're setting up all of the merch. We got a lot of merch. It'll be available at DougSandup.com after the tour. We've got all this merch set up and it's like, motherfucker, she's not going on to the next topic. It is continuing along

this line and then right before you end the show. Now she's out of the showroom for like 25 minutes. You're wrapping up and she comes up to me and I'm standing at the t-shirts. The show is still on. You can hear it out there. And she goes, hey I'm leaving

now. And I go, well goodnight. She says, just so you know and sticks her hand out there and goes, no hard feelings. I go, none taken. And I would not shake her hand. I said, goodnight. And then she's like, no really no hard feelings. And a guy goes up would not shake her hand i said good night and then she's like no really no no hard feelings and a guy goes up to her and goes you know that's not him right he's still on stage she thought she thought i was me as you're talking on stage as you can hear as

the doors open and people come out and get drinks i I didn't see that happening. She's like looking at me going like, this guy's fucking with me. That's him. And I'm like looking at her just going, just fucking leave. Leave. Wow. Maybe we add this in as an addendum to the podcast,

much like James Inman last night, who's just got out of jail. Post-podcast. much like James Inman last night who's just got out of jail post podcast some guy at the end of the night I found the piece of paper she threw at me initially as I was closing I looked down at the tampons and then I like I have to see

what this says and it says it has her number on it. It's just a business card with no business on it. It's a blank business card. Size card, but nothing written on it. She has business cards that have nothing on them. She just writes whatever she wants. It has her number.

Fuck, does anyone remember her name? Hang on. Adele. Ardell. Ardell Adele. Ardell. Ardell. Yeah. Ardell. Good.

Oh, you did fucking hit on her, Dan. You did hit on her. He's already got her number. When you gave her number out at the end. You didn't watch my show when I was fucking with you. Yes, I was. It says, call us. Us.

What? You and the fucking Hercules that dismissed you? I have a penis, which is her sense of humor. And it gave her number, which is 309-267-3946. So I found that fortuitously At the end of my act I looked down So I just had everyone break out their cell phones What was that number again?

309 267 3946 Here have that Put that in your mailing list Dan Yeah got that Bring her for every shitty act you bring in anyone who's the untamed shoes will love hanging out with ardell man hey so everyone on the fuck

just immediately started calling and texting her and they will continue yeah so sitting at the bar after the show going why is my phone blowing up right now? What's happening? What's going on, you guys? Yeah, some guy goes, I'm fucking, look, look, I don't have my reading glasses on, so I couldn't see his cell phone. I go, look what I wrote. He goes, I can't see

it. He says, I wrote cunt. And then she wrote like a full paragraph back. I go, don't say, don't, this is what I paragraph back. I go, don't. This is what I told him. I said, don't just that's not clever. Don't say cunt. Say you're Dan, the owner. And I'm sorry for the humiliation that comic put you through.

You have free tickets. Oh, my God. So I did tell a guy that. Oh, my God. So someone is going to be texting her that she has free tickets to every show. At least I have her number now. Yes, you do. If that call comes in, I'll just ignore that one.

Be one of the few that I ever ignore. No, you won't ignore it. She was Peoria hot. Hey, get back to it. Get back to what, Brad? Oh, Brett Erickson's fucking. I got to go do some work. Oh, okay.

Love you. What do you got to go do? He's got to go do shit. Give the microphone back to Chael. I don't know who's out in the bar. Continue talking behind your back. Probably robbing me silly out there. All right.

Dan Conlon, everybody. Dan Conlon, Jukebox Comedylon, Jukebox Comedy Club. Jukebox Comedy Club. All right. Quick break. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. This is Chad Shane. And when I'm with Stanhope, I drink plastic jug vodka.

Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. what's your favorite brand tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD fatty that's HD fatty Hyman Doberman

fatty with a Y Hyman Doberman. Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman? I don't know. Sex! Rulers of the Underpants Universe! Sex! Ah!

Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sex underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know. All right. You know what? Fuck this.

Do a station ID. This message was brought to you by Doritos. A what? No, your name, lady. Roseanne Barr and Doritos. Crunchy corn chips, bitch. Hey, we're back. Brett Erickson fucking... Yeah, he's here.

He's a person. I was going to say that anyway. I wasn't... Okay, he's gone now, guys. Before I was pissed at Dan. Yeah, he's here. He's a person. I was going to say that anyway. I wasn't. Before I was pissed at Dan. You can talk about him. No, I was going to say this is my last appearance at the jukebox because you're leaving and you're the only reason I fucking continue to come here. You have.

Yeah. Brett Erickson has dated us so much because we don't have kids. We're all child free. That's why we're happy. But when we first met Brett, he had small children, one who's an adult now sitting here drinking legally. Weird,

right? As soon as my youngest kid is fucking old enough, I'm getting the fuck out of here. And you just think that's a fantasy when you're young. Yeah, that day will never happen. It happened. And now you're fucking moving to L.A. It's going to be fucking brilliant.

Unless Dan kills me first. Which is possible, dude. He's a weirdo. We won't release this until you're on the road. Please. Give me like three weeks head start, man. Wow. He won't leave the parking lot.

You don't have to worry about that. That's true. He might kill you. Plus, he has AOL, so he can't get podcasts. His fucking, when Shaylee had to send him the thing, you know, the reservation list was or whatever. It was to AOL.com. He's on AOL. Yeah.

Listen, I'm a fucking retard when it comes to technology, but I get it that AOL is a thing that's done. That's over with. That doesn't happen. He's the last one. I do have hot mail. My mom's 81 and she's on Yahoo. Yeah. She's way Yahoo. Yeah. She's way past.

Yeah. So you leave here. Brett Erickson. Yeah. When do you get to L.A.? I know you're coming to Bisbee for a while. Whenever you let me leave Bisbee. We want you to stay.

I already have these visions. You guys heard it. You guys heard him say it. Verbal contract I have visions of retiring after this Australian tour At Thanksgiving And then go Fuck it

I'm good Let's try something else If we could figure out a way Stand up is boring to me I am I have no illusions If I could figure out a way to survive No we need illusions

That's the problem Yeah I know I could figure out a way to survive. No, we need illusions. That's the problem. I know I can do stand-up forever and just beat my fucking liver into some piece of fucking beef jerky. Let's just figure out another trick to make money. I was jokingly talking about making my Eddie character from Louie into a YouTube weekly series with a bad laugh track where I never did kill myself, but every week I'm trying to kill myself, and I fuck it up with an awkward laugh track. Yeah, we should. I fucking don't have any.

You can't tie a knot. I have no. It just comes loose. You hang yourself. It comes loose. You fall on the floor. Damn it. I joined the Boy Scouts as some elderly pedophile.

Not interested in you. No, I'm not a pedophile. I'm trying to learn how to tie a knot. I can't hang myself. Wow! Laugh track. Perfect. But I don't...

There's no fucking comics in Bisbee's. You have ideas, but you work them out with your fucking drunk friends. You and Derek. Neighbor Dave. Neighbor Dave's not really going to chime in and make this thing fucking go forward. You need a catalyst. Okay. Oh, no, that's a good idea.

We got to do that. Should we do that? Yeah, we should do that. We don't have that guy. So we'll probably try to keep you there like motel hell. I have no idea. Buried up to your you there like Motel Hell. I have no. There's no buried up to your neck with your vocal cords shut. Here's the best.

Motel Hell is a very dated reference. By the way. Applaud yourself if you got that right. Here's the best part. We just talked about Dan Conlon and he just left the room and that's fine because he has business to take care of, which is. Hey, you took complete bullshit, by the way. He did take Ardell's number. Of course he did. He's calling her right now

to ask her why she did not honor her reservation. I'm really happy I'm not going to work here again. I always said that one of my high points where I felt I made it was when i never had to work lisa grigsby's room and oh my god remember lisa grigsby's room was when home of the ultimate bachelor ultimate bachelorette party they would sell dildos and fucking like

noisemakers and shit to the crowd before the show in the lobby. Here, take a fucking butt plug and a noisemaker and sit down for a comedy show. Not like hardcore things like a dildo that clips onto your tie. All the shit that bachelorettes wear. Like the veil. Yeah. So instead of being the bachelorette party that just showed up at the club with all that shit, they would sell you that shit when you got there. Or if you decided you needed more shit, once you got there, you could re-up with dildo paraphernalia.

It should have been called the We Will Never Like Doug Stanhope Comedy Club, yet I kept getting booked there. And Lisa, I love. kept getting booked there and lisa i love lisa's great lisa is the one person when i was um trying to make money on the road which is difficult thing to do when you're you have no name at all and people fuck you all the time on gigs you know comedy zone fucked me a million times over oh you're you're the feature oh well guess what fucking pablo francisco is bringing his own feature this week we just found out you're fucked Pablo Francisco is bringing his own feature this week. We just found out. You're fucked.

Sorry, you don't get your money this week. And you, you know. Cut you loose. Good luck. Yeah. Lisa Grigsby had me booked for a weekend. And Paula Poundstone was headlining. And then she found out last minute that Paula Poundstone didn't want anyone to feature. She just wanted to do the whole thing herself.

So Lisa Grigsby calls me to tell me this. And as I'm going, oh, fuck, I'm fucked. You're already out there, right? Well, I hadn't left yet, but I need the $500 or whatever it is that I'm going to get. And she goes, listen, I'm still going to pay you. You just don't have to come and do the gig. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Did you just say?

Pay vacation. Right. I had never had that happen before. I had Like, I had never had that happen before. I had never, ever, ever had that happen before. Lisa Grigsby did that. Like, she was straight up, like, without even a question, she did that. So she's a fantastic person. And she's the only reason I worked the worst comedy club ever.

But setting up the room the way she set it up was a fucking terrible idea. Yeah. She didn't make you, like, paint a fence or something when you got there? I never got there. She just sent you the check? She sent me the money and don't even bother to show up. So I came here and did this. I got paid for, I basically ran a scam.

I got paid for not playing there and playing here at the same weekend. Yeah, Dan doesn't know I'm really not going to play here again. Because really, you are the only reason that I look forward to coming back. And your gal, Mitchell. She's alright. She's fucking great. That's why I was asking.

This is not for the podcast. I'll ask you afterwards. So, what do we add? That's a fucking podcast, right? Zach, do you have anything to say about your dad before we close? How awesome he is. We tried it.

You know you have to say it on mic if you want to say something. Oh, hey, get up. Get on mic. Hang on. I have another good story about dan all right all right as as buckets this is my son's buddy buckets buckets have a seat so here's hold on a sec guys uh i just got something from uh carrie mitchell uh apparently that gal ardell has been sending out massive texts to people who have been texting her. Really?

And it's a quote. Who gets kicked out for throwing tampons on stage? Me. Only in Peoria. If you were a real comedian, you would be spontaneous and know how to make it a joke and have fun. Not this prick. Although funny and vulgar. And it's all an act.

As he planned out, he didn't have a plan other than the usual act. So with that said, you ain't shit. You ain't shit, Doug. I'm not shit. I punked you out. She punked me out. Tested.

Here we go. Tested you. You fail. I failed. Not part of the F minus. Oh, it goes on. Oh, I'm halfway. On this text is another one after it. Not part of the act.

On a whim, he was stumped and didn't know what to say. Let me take your stage and i will take over your show dick she should open for you oh here we go people have told me my whole life even my family to write down all i have to say that coupled with instead of saying it is what they were trying to tell you write it down that coupled with the instant comebacks and crazy shit I say, well, I could honestly outdo him, and he is famous. What the fuck? You are famous.

What the fuck? I guess you're famous. Ardell. Oh, hold on. Here's the second one. Oh, there's another. Don't answer yet. There's more.

So here's the deal. Tomorrow night at the Jukebox Comedy Club, I have Brem invited, a.k.a. begged, to come tomorrow night, come complete and perform and be myself and talk about real shit and perform. I am taking the challenge.

Let me do this. I'm a natural, vulgar, real God given performer. Let our Dell do this. Who had my back? And that's it. So,

um, I guess this is one night when Dan should record the show. I say, get ready for another mural on the back of this it's fuck i'm sorry rock island i just canceled tomorrow night i'm gonna be fucking front row center yeah she won't be here though that's the thing about that kind of thing whenever anyone says fuck you i'll come i'll do comedy the next night they're not coming the next night Don't wake up tomorrow And be like I should have never done

Any of that stuff Yeah so I guess everyone Is They're getting through to her Every time I call her It's always Hey listen

We did give out Her phone number Which she gave to me openly So I don't know If there's a legal thing She flipped that At the stage Yeah

Don't be a fucking Deg and go You cunt Be creative Just say your Bud Friedman Pretend you know her Pretend you know her from back in third grade Listen we saw her at the jukebox

Saw you throwing tampons at the jukebox Thought you were funnier than Doug Stanhope Be a talent agent Be a critic Just make up a unique thing To text her with and just fucking ruin her life. Yeah. All right. Back to Dan.

Back to Dan. All right. So before Buckets jumps in here and tells his Dan story, let me just give you a quick. We've talked about how crazy Dan is calling. Because here's the deal. People will make a reservation, and then if they're not here on time, he call them and yell at them which is weird it's a weird thing that people it's kind of funny if you don't know dan if you don't know the hatred with which he does it but um so here's another thing he did so this when you hear me say he calls people back who doesn't who don't When you hear me say he calls people back who don't come in for the reservations, you think, oh, well, that's kind of, you know, whatever. But here's how fucked up he is and how it can all backfire on you and just where his mindset is.

I was headlining one week and one of my friends, Emily, called for a reservation. And she called at like 3.30 in the afternoon and Dan didn't answer. The answering machine picked up. But it was Dan's voice on the answering machine. Hello, this is Dan from the Jukebox Comedy Club. Hey, leave your name and number and the number of people in your party, blah, blah, blah. So while that's happening, he then also picked up the phone and started talking. Hi, this is Dan from the Jukebox Comedy Club.

So to my friend Emily's ear, there's two Dans talking to her. So she's like, well, this is too much. So she hangs up her phone and she calls back immediately. So when she calls back, it rings. And then Dan picks up the phone. Hello, Jukebox Comedy Club. And Emily says, hi, I would like to make a reservation for Brett Erickson's show at the club this weekend. And he goes, yeah, and you could have done that if you wouldn't have fucking hung up the goddamn fucking phone on me. And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? Here's another one. Here's another one. Here's another one. Now that you got me going. Last time I headlined here, I had a friend from high school. Her name is Monica Robbins. She's a wonderful woman. She made some reservations.

So she calls in. She lives back in the town i grew up in which is about 60 miles away and it's a different area code than 309 so right away he sees this area code on his phone 815 and he's like well this is where brett lives so so uh he of course whenever anyone makes a reservation he calls them back to confirm it so he calls this person back in the middle of the night yeah said well sadly it was on the way on their way here so he calls her and he's like hey you know are you coming to the show and she's like yeah i'm coming to the show and you know he's like he's like is this monica yeah this is monica are you coming to the show yeah i'm coming to the show

and then he says oh you're from the 815. Do you know Brett from growing up? And Monica says, yeah, I went to school with him. I've known him since kindergarten. And then, if I was not an atheist, I would say God is my witness. The next thing out of Dan's mouth was, did you suck his dick in high school? Are you fucking kidding me? You just said that to a fucking person like she's on her way down here with her husband and other people in a fucking van and she's and when she gets here she tells me this whole story she tells me this whole story she's fucking mortified she was she had him on

speakerphone so this is in the fucking whole van this is in the whole van did you suck his dick in high school are you fucking crazy this is a person who wants to spend money at your club so this is this is the dan conlon that we're talking about that's what you think why how how has he been open for 24 fucking years because comedy works but but barely you should barely wait come here for the untamed shoes on saturday we'll see how barely it works all right bucket bucket list what's your name buckets buckets yes i had a similar experience to uh brett's friend. I called this afternoon. Buckets is one of Brett's son's friends.

Yes, yes. From the sorority. From the sorority, yes. We're in the same sorority. I called this afternoon and got the voicemail at first, too, like Brett said. And then all of a sudden, Dan answered. And instead of saying, hello, Jukebox Comedy Club, like I was expecting, he said, what's up? And I was like, uh.

Did I get the wrong number? I was like, yeah, is this the Jukebox Comedy Club? Hi, Dan. We're fucking with you. Don't worry. It's not going to stop. I was like, is this the Jukebox Comedy Club? And he goes, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, you know, we have some underage people here, maybe. Me and Zach are both 21, but we want to make sure everybody can get in. could get in i was like you know is this a 21 and up kind of deal you know can we all get in the club and and see the show we want to come he he goes i don't care all my customers are it's not my business and i said here he comes it is all ages here it's all ages yeah there was a fucking 13 year old kidold kid with braces in here. But we wanted to make sure before we drove, before we skipped class in the afternoon and drove two and a half hours to come down to wherever the fuck we are in Illinois and watch the comedy show.

Hang on, Dan's back. You answered the phone. What's up? He said, what's up? Hang on. Grab the mic. Grab the mic. I answer the phone differently grab the mic, grab the mic. I answer the phone differently every single time I answer the phone.

He's got a new act every night. It gets so fucking boring saying jukebox comedy club. Hello. It's just it's just and everybody was calling. Everybody was calling. Yeah. Yeah. Which which is boring.

I'm not professional. I'm an owner. I called Dan today just to find out what time showtime was just to be sure. And he goes, he answered the phone. He's a sup, nigga. That's not true. That's not true. But what did I say about the age?

I don't care how old my customers are. I know. I don't know how old my customers are. I don't really care. None of my concern. I don't care. I just run a bar with a liquor license. I don't care how old my customers are. I don't really care. That's not my concern. I just run a bar with a liquor license. I don't care how old they are.

That's not my concern. I said I don't care unless they want to do something that requires a 21 or older age. And I said in the United States, you have to be 21 or older to order alcohol in the United States. Otherwise, I don't ask people for their identification cards.

So you use that same soliloquy every time, but you answer the phone different. Hey, Domino's Pizza, I don't care how old my customers are. Is this the comedy club? Did I just say Domino's Pizza? Of course it's a comedy club. Get it? The best part is when I said,

oh, sweet, we're going to come to the show tonight. And he goes, well, put down the bong and go buy the tickets. That's funny. I'll give Dan a fucking high five on that. That's funny. He was right. And then you actually put down the bong and went and bought the tickets. You actually put down the bong.

That's the weird part. And we drove to Peoria. Right before that, though, I said, I looked at the clock and I go, it's 420. Put down the bong and get your tickets because it was late in the game. If you're going to be driving from Chicago. Buckets, you left out a critical part of the story. It was 420. It actually was 420.

He's working the material. When he said that and it was 420. Yeah, and you were also smoking your bong. Dan's not all bad. Just the things we say as soon as he's out of the room. The only part I feel bad about is that they call me Buckets when my name is also Dan. So I feel like

he's bringing his shame to the name Dan. Everybody calls me Buckets for sure. I'm sure there's a backstory, but no one will care for a lot of years. Yeah, that's true. That's very true. If you have to call up and say, hey, I'm underage, no one gives a fuck about your story. You don't have good stories until you're true. Yeah. If you have to call up and say, hey, I'm underage, no one gives a fuck about your story.

You don't have good stories until you're 50. Yeah. I hope I hit that age. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. All right. We're going to wrap it up.

Brett Erickson is coming to Los Angeles via Bisbee. Yay. Boo. Boo. We're talking about a lot of things We've been talking in the car As soon as I come back at Thanksgiving In my head I'm retired You never retire from comedy

But I don't want to keep doing I don't remember the last five years Because I've been in a cycle of doing This part of the country And that part of the country and maybe the UK every two years. I don't remember anything because I'm just going to the same fucking places. I don't remember things or people. Yeah, but you make it sound like you have this like monotonous.

I just did it again, whatever. You're like going to Australia and then you're planning on like, oh, then we might go to New Zealand and hang out for a while. We are going to New Zealand. That's life. Like you could go to New Zealand and you can go out to where there is no ambient light and you can just you don't even need mushrooms. You can just stand there and look at the fucking stars.

It's like Panamint. It's like the desert. Like New Zealand is the fucking place. But once you've done shit because of your job. No, but I don't. It's like the desert. New Zealand is the fucking place. But once you've done shit... Because of your job. I have no interests there. I'll be in a bar there. 24 years I'm in a bar.

The temperature is always 69, 68 degrees. I'm in a bar. I go to sleep. I wake up. I'm terrified that the crowd isn't going to get it. Yeah, I want to fucking do something different. So bar. I go to sleep. I wake up. I'm terrified that the crowd isn't going to get it. I think, yeah, I want to fucking do something different. So, yeah, I want to I want to just fucking jump into a cold pool of doing something fucking different.

And you know what? As much shit as we talk about fucking Dan behind his back, he'll have me back. Oh, yeah. I can make a living. I just want to do something different and weird. So I remember how these years are going by Your fucking kids are gone They're fucking off into the ether

They're adults You're going to fall into my world It might be a boring pointless life But it's our boring pointless life I know I want to make it a new boring pointless life That I'm terrified of Let's do it. Yeah.

And now you have free time. Apparently. Yeah. If Mitchell lets me. All right. We'll talk about that after the podcast. Hey, thank you, Bucket Brett's kid. Our wives, Greg Chaley.

Bucket. Dan. What's his last Conlon I never knew his last name Alright I'm glad we did this Good times

That's a podcast Hey Our guest always Gets to Pop off vodka Oh wait No no You have your own sponsor

Tell me something you like And we're sponsored by Whoever you like Take a minute Something that I like. Yeah. Don't worry. You can quietly think about it, and Chaley will edit out the dead air.

Do you want to read your- Oh, I know. I already know. Misdemeanors. It's a shot with Crown Royal and butterscotch schnapps. It's delicious. Wait. Hang on. One more time. It's a shot called a misdemeanor? It's a mis with Crown Royal and butterscotch schnapps. It's delicious. Wait, hang on one more time. It's a shot called a misdemeanor?

It's a misdemeanor. It's Crown Royal and butterscotch. Let's do that. It's delicious, and it's the Jukebox Comedy Club shot nom de plume. That's probably not the term that goes there, but it sounded right. Because our bartender, Rob Scroggs, who is the greatest bartender in the world, other than Kerry Mitchell, it's the only shot he knows how to make. So that's the one we do.

And it's fabulous. What happened to Taryn? That's my favorite thing. She's married to Drew Hastings. What? Yes. No! Yes.

Oh, my life is over. Everything about my life is over life That's a good end That'll be the start Of the next podcast Yeah Taryn Hastings You mean Unbelievable

Yeah I'm running for Fucking mayor of business She's married to the Fucking mayor of Some town in Ohio I know Drew Hastings Yeah

He's a fucking brilliant Yeah He's fucking fantastic Bingo I'm sorry I have to go younger Get out Taryn's not younger She's not younger anymore I guess she aged too

She's certainly not wearing a band As Emo Phillips said I guess he would have aged too Alright I gotta go Get out of my house you fucking filthy perverts That's the podcast brought to you by Misdemeanors.

Hey, Chaley, play the mattoid. Part the time. Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Grab your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam Fuck your fucks, it's party time

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