The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #53: Melbourne, Australia with comedian Fahey Younger

Episode Date: December 23, 2014

Doug swaps knife stories with comedian and long time friend, Fahey “Prinny” Younger before the show in Melbourne, Australia. Don’t worry, they get around to some darker stuff. Plus, Doug details the art of ejecting guests with a couple of clips from the live shows. Thanks Alex Hodgins for getting us the clips.Tour T-Shirts are now available online at www.dougstanhope.com and supplies are limited.This podcast sponsored by -Dane at Mountain Mechanic Auto in BayswaterMiss Itchy - www.missitchycomGinsu Knife - http://www.ginsuknife.com/Splayd Utensils - http://splayd.com.au/Virgin Australia - http://www.virginaustralia.com/au/en/Recorded Nov 22, 2014 pre show in Melbourne, Australia with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), comedian Fahey Younger (@faheyyounger) and Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan). Produced by Alex Hodgins ([e-mail]). Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.While you’re at it, join the mailing list. No telling when Doug will book another show? Get on the Mailing List and he will contact you the minute he decides to quit his retirement.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores are closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I like about you in the end. La, la, la. And three, two, one. It's the Doug Stanhope Podcast. We're bringing it to you live and hot from the last night of the tour in Melbourne, Australia. And this is all bullshit,

fake energy that's about to die. It's been a good tour and it's a beautiful country. There was not a clunker in the lot but you get to that end where it's like Fight Club where he smashes Jared Leto's face and says, I just wanted to destroy something beautiful.

I think that's what the show tonight is going to be. Oh, can do. Fuck it. Melbourne is probably the most overrated city of them all. Oh, you're so full of shit. Probably. I don't know. I walked down the river.

I went to the botanical gardens and I went back to my hotel and got drunk twice. So, yeah, I don't know. I walked down the river. I went to the botanical gardens, and I went back to my hotel and got drunk twice. So, yeah, I don't know. I don't go out. You don't need to go out. Who's our guest? This is Miss Prinny. Miss Prinny is a Stan Hope Family Comedy All-Star from the Wayback Machine.

The very Wayback Machine. Alt.comedy.standup that was a news group when i first got on the internet where uh comics would banter from here and about yeah and uh then someone decided to throw a alt.comedy.standup yeah it was like this saddest comic-con where all these people that would sit on this news group and bicker all showed up. Where? In L.A. The Improv on Melrose.

Did a show or did, I guess, a few nights because there's a bunch of people. Yeah, a couple nights, yeah. And that's where I finally met Miss Prinny in face-to-face. Yeah. face to face yeah before that i remember uh i had an ingrown hair on the uh right at the ball shaft uh under penis area the uh the disputed region of is that cock or ball and ingrown hair and it was slowly growing up the shaft of my penis where i i could see it but i couldn't get it out and And he talked about it every day on the news group. So I'd give updates on my

ingrown hair on the comedy news group, and when it finally surfaced, I yanked it out and I taped it to a postcard and sent it to Prinny. And I found that scrawled letter just the other day. The offending hair wasn't with it, but

the mad ramblings were, and the sticky tape was. So do you think in years to come, Australian scientists will be able to sort of make a clone? Well, that was my hope. The hair is gone? The hair is gone, but you can see where it was on the tape. It's like the Shroud of Turin. Yes.

The mad sideways writing from you is all there. Yeah. And I think I retaliated with sending you back to some doctored baby food that I'd taken the label off and relabeled to mince niggers. I really thought that was a thing over here. I had no idea that was a joke. I thought that was, oh, wow.

Very forward thinking. Yeah. And then you married Ben, the cowboy, and everyone was reeling their heads at that. Still do. The fact that you've procreated is just stiflingly wrong. Well, that happened, the first one happened just around the time of the first New Year's at Bisbee.

So we still say that you are Spike's dad. And there's a photo of you beside his bed and he says, night-night, Uncle Dad dead. With your squishiness and his clamminess, I can imagine you could have thrown those babies at the wall as toddlers and they'd stick like the David Letterman Velcro thing. Just clammy, squishy babies. No, very cute babies with curls and filthy mouths.

How did you meet Ben? Same news group. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. He went down to see Doug and I said to Doug, Ben's coming down, blah, blah, blah, and off it went. And then he came to Melbourne, and I kept him.

Wow. And no one fought you for him either. You put up a pathetic little fight, just for show. He's a sweetheart. He is. I remember one time he came to the desert party and you guys got in late and he was already fucked up and we couldn't tell like to the point where you're like you should really lay down or something because it wasn't just normal drunk it was this wistful

he kept wanting to kiss me and hug me like we were at a funeral of one of our best friends dying and i that i love you man but with a deeper need and like fresh out of the car like what the fuck did you do on the drive in here i can't tell you i don't know you seem normal the next day he was he was fine anytime someone spiraled out in the desert early he he worried for the long-term sanity. But yeah, he rebounded. He did. He did. And then I took him home and kept him.

Lured him here. And I finally see you on your home turf. Yeah, yeah. I've been on your home turf for a long time. turf yeah yeah i've been on your home turf for a long time and yeah i've uh i feel like a bit of a waste right now but we are two and a half hours before showtime so i'm pacing myself on zabrauka bison grass vodka we are definitely not sponsored by this failed attempted let's try something new by alex the promoter alex who put this shit together with no experience had no problems he's fucking aces all the way we lose him after this we do one more show in uh auckland

next thursday so we have time to fuck off, a big round of applause if anyone would put their drink down to give you a round of applause. Bingo, do a round of applause. No, she's Facebooking. No, I can't. Sorry. So, yeah, you've been brilliant. So, yeah, let's cut to

some of your funny stories that I should have written down and segued into. You said, I got a couple of stories. What? Well, she lived near you and at you in some way. Yeah, you were telling me things last night that I go, wow, did I forget just complete years of my life? I told you she'd been to Curson

and you said you had no memory of her ever being there. No, not Curson. I remember you had no memory of her ever being there. No, not Curson. I remember her being there. That's when we met. That's where I was living. But you didn't live with me. No, no, no. We'd come and stay.

Yeah. Because you were out on the road then. That was an open house. Yeah, the Curson apartment. That was the second one. Mother was still in the first one there. And Patricia now lives in the second one at Curson. That's right, yeah. And Brian's in the first one there. And Patricia now lives in the second one at Curzon. That's right, yeah.

And Brian's in the first one. Yeah. But the second one, well, that was a fucking animal house. There were so many people that stayed there at one point or another. Celine and then Sarah Hyland and her friend. God damn it. I remember just giant parties where we had a wheelchair for some reason and uh we'd go down and they'd pick up mother in the wheelchair and bring her back to get her high

in the middle of the night i remember sitting in that apartment on curzon one day at one night everybody was drunk and you just sort of shuffled out of the room nobody paid any attention everyone was talking and then you came back in with one of the drunk and you just sort of shuffled out of the room. Nobody paid any attention. Everybody was talking. And then you came back in with one of the cats and you just very calmly walked in and put it in the bath and bathed it. And nothing was said and everybody was sort of watching going, I think he's bathing a cat. I said, well, nobody look him in the eye.

It'll be fine. It'll be over soon and we can get back to it. And that was fine. Then you let the cat go. The cat was fine. It was happy. And then a little while after that you shuffled through the apartment again and then came back with mother by the scruff of the neck

and marched her into the bathroom too. It's like, okay, this has got to go south. And she was arms up on the door And protesting and coughing and splattering That was real early That was Curzon Yeah, that was a brief moment I don't know It couldn't have been more than a couple of years

Where that was really crazy Maybe Yeah, I don't remember exactly I know I left there when I got together with Renee Yes To move to Venice Which To Mother Yeah, I don't remember exactly. I know I left there when I got together with Renee. Yes. To move to Venice, which to mother, it was like I was leaving the earth.

I was going up to fucking colonized space. Are you going to leave me by myself? Mom, I'm fucking moving to Venice. I'm with a girl now, Mom. Mom, I got a girl now Yeah that Curzon was the The transition between Betsy Yeah

And Renee Yeah Between Betsy and Renee It was a short Short Life Of singledom

But man Did we take full advantage And now in Veniceice we moved there that's where uh that was crazy shit there yeah that's when shit got weird that's when i uh i got the man show and uh and then bingo and uh renee and i split up so i'm looking at bingo renee and i split up and andy andreston and I were writing on The Man Show, so we were just living basically in the office. Yeah, you lived in the office because you had a commode chair.

Yeah, yeah, we had everything. Yeah, we had clothes lined. We had the whole, like, tricked out like a mash tent. And Venice was basically open. We'd go there on a day off if we had a weekend off. We'd go there on a day off if we had a weekend off. Come home on the weekends. And we had a couple of homeless people,

Patty and Van, that lived on the... I had rented a small office right next to the apartment. Just like a one-room office because it was a wicked small apartment. So they were living on the stoop of that office because they were already living there when i rented the place and one morning i i came in to just chuck

some shit in there and there's two homeless people because it had a little wall so they could have some privacy and i so i walked in on them and they're like oh i'm sorry we didn't know this was we thought this was open and i go that's's all right. Just don't shit on my stairs or anything. Keep an eye on the place. And you were here first. So all I remember of the night that we're going to talk about is Andy and I were wrecked. And we had been just heavy drinking on the man show for days and weeks. And we decided we're going to take the night off and not drink tonight yeah that didn't happen uh so that was the week that because ben and i got married

in melbourne and we came back to denver and we've been in denver for about eight or nine months and then we were moving to la so i I came out without Ben and I stayed. The way we like you. And I stayed with you in Venice. So I go around to get the keys off you and you said, oh, Andy and I, we're staying on the lot. This is the key for the gate. This is the one that will get you in the front door

and this is the one for the office and don't worry about the homeless people. They're fine. Don't worry about it. Just don't let her in and take all the beer. And this is the one for the office. And don't worry about the homeless people. They're fine. Don't worry about it. Just don't let her in and take all the beer. And I went, okay, all right. And you said, I'll see you on the weekend. And so I came there. Because when we were staying there,

they would come over regularly and just cocktail with us for happy hour. Yeah, yeah. And I remember Rogan coming over once with one of the juggies, a perfect 10, and they came in and they're like, oh, yeah, and this is Patty and Van, who are clearly homeless people. She was a British woman. She was British, I remember.

With, yeah, not dreadlocked hair, but just matted like an old cat. Yes, yes. And he was a black guy missing his two front teeth or four front teeth. A lot of teeth. A lot of teeth missing. He had some teeth.

But they were cordial enough that you could hang out. Yeah, look, I got there on, say, the Wednesday roughly. You said you and Andy would be home on Saturday and just to have at it. So I went and let myself in and went and said hi to Patty and Van. And, you know was there was absolutely no drama i'd hear her talking to herself frequently outside that was fine there was no drama she'd come over occasionally just to see if there was any spare beer or you know a moist towelette anything anything um but no absolutely no drama and then that first weekend you guys came home and we were beering and watching movies

yeah well we weren't drinking yet andy and i remember i remember we didn't crack the first drink until after the cops got there and we go all right so much for not drinking so i we were watching i remember it was uh gangs of new york yeah yeah and when i tell the story before that was punch drunk love and you cried like a little bitch i cried no you didn't but that's how i tell the story okay sorry always we watched a bunch of movies that week and we'd also watched rushes from oh my god a couple of the sketches that you'd shot for the man show that must never have made the air or would have made the air in very small quantities. The one where, I don't know where you went, Vons or somewhere,

a supermarket, and had a booth set up for people to take a pill to sterilize them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that made it. Hang on. That was so good. Is that your stupid husband at the door? How dare you.

Oh, Arctic. What? Oh. It's a will call. So we're watching Gangs of New York. Gangs of New York, yeah. And Patty and Van come in and we tell them, hey, we're not drinking tonight.

Help yourself to a beer, but we're just relaxing watching movies. And then she kept fucking with... She kept coming in. She was pacing. Van, Van. Andy would know the quote. She just kept torturing and pestering him.

Yeah. And he's just sitting there trying to quietly have a drink. And there was a lot of stabbing in that movie. So we think that that influenced Patty at some point because she went into the kitchen and I just assumed she's getting herself another cocktail and she grabbed a kitchen steak knife and hit it on herself somewhere.

Stuck it in her boot. Yeah, and we told him, listen, you got to go because we're really trying to watch a movie and you're kind of distracting. So have a good night. And minutes later from the opposite porch, we hear shrieks of, help, she stabbed me. Why are you doing this?

I love you. And Andy is up like a fucking shot out of a cannon. You're on the phone. We're watching movies. You're on the phone. But Andy jumped the fence. Yeah. And I don't have that kind of dexterity.

So I had to run around the long way. But he says he's up on the fence because it was like a seven or eight foot high fence, that front yard. So you had to get on it to see over it. And he says, she's got a fucking knife. Which is where the, hey, she's stabbing me help help came from it was she had a knife and he's grumbling as why we can't have nice things and so and then andy's over the fence and i remember looking at you and just going off for fuck's sake so you hung up the call and called 9-1-1 and we went back through the house and out through the front door and around to the front of the house

and we get to the front of the office, the little porch, and Andy's between them trying to keep them apart. Van's trying to get to her to say sorry and I wasn't trying to do anything and why are you doing this? And she's screeching. And she's still got the knife. Yeah. And Andy just calls the cucumber and says,

a bit of help. So you hand me your phone and picked up a chair. I grabbed a chair like a lion tamer. Yeah, exactly. And used the four legs of the chair to push her down. In and down, yeah. Yeah, because she had a knife.

He rolled it over her. Yeah, like a cage. was she still intent on getting him she wasn't getting letting go of the knife so so yeah did she have a crazy look on her face and by the way i was on the phone to 9-1-1 don't act like i'm like hang on i wasn't chatting with a friend going, hang on, someone's getting stabbed. What are you doing? Hang on. I should probably do it.

Yeah. And then we hear sirens. Yeah. And so you're saying to Andy, get them apart. Get them apart. And I looked at Van and I thought, okay, that's a lot of blood. I'm going to go and get some towels. So I went back into the house and got towels.

I'm still holding your phone. I come back out you're still you're sitting on the on the chair yelling at her having a smoke and sometimes you really need a smoke and he's closer to the house the bungalow and i hand him the towels and i'm thinking don't get any blood on you, for fuck's sake. Meanwhile, Prinny is a nurse. So she's telling us what to do. Apply pressure to the wound from the kitchen,

yelling through the window. And he's like, am I doing it right? Am I doing it right? I went, how are you, Van? He goes, I'm so confused. I went, it's fine. You're doing fine. I'm so confused.

Don't worry about it. He was such a sweetheart. He was. So's this utter chaos and doug and andy you know trading hilarious jibes at each other patty's still screaming like a banshee under the chair van's crying and just wants to go and hug her and your phone rang and it was in my hand and i looked at you and and I thought, well, you're busy. And you used to take a message. So I answered the phone and this very gruff voice says, this is the LAPD. I have a report that a black man has stabbed a white woman.

Wow, I don't remember that part. Oh, yeah. And I was incensed. I'm trying to process what he'd said. And I went, no, a white woman has stabbed a black man, actually. If you will, sir. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God, I was so indignant.

And he just said, that's not how these things happen, ma'am. Holy shit. You don't remember the rest of the story. I can tell by the look on your face. Yeah, so he says it's not how these things happen. I clearly have a report in front of me that states a white woman, a black man has stabbed a white woman. Has the black man been subdued?

And I was beyond furious. subdued and i was beyond furious just i can't even explain how i must have been ready to have a stroke i was so mad and all i could sputter out was what is your name rank and serial number like what the fuck am i gonna do with that was it the army what the hell i don't know what else to say and there was this pause and then this really gruff laugh and he goes uh hi pretty it's a tell is stanhope still alive you'd been talking to him oh while we're watching the movie oh my god and it took a couple of minutes for the words to sink in oh my god and it took a couple of minutes for the words to sink in i said you funny funny funny fucker he's gonna have to call you back and that's when then the paramedics arrived the police arrived with their guns where's the knife where's the knife

and they put up police tape yeah we have a lot of palm tree forever it's probably still there oh yeah no i get a lot of pictures of that. We were trying to subtly take pictures, but after a while... We were posing. I've got posed photos. Yeah, yeah. Once we got a few goofs in and got them loosened up, then they let us pose for pictures.

It was insane. So all this madness was happening. The cops take Patty away. The paramedics take Van. Then the cops split Andy and Doug and I up to get our story. And I'm standing in the front yard and I said to this guy who looked like he was 12, I've been here for four days. It's my friend's house.

And I'm now giving you a deposition standing next to a man show sign that says make me hard just nuts it was nuts I ended up having to go to court uh just to testify they never called me but I had to be there right where she you know pled guilty or whatever i assumed they'd deport her but evidently no that's not enough do you know anything of tolliver what happened to her no i know that she did mental um mental health yeah she she was crazy he was just fucked yeah but uh by the time it ever went to court and i had to show up, I saw him and he was doing great. He was living with his brother. And so I gave him a ride to my only time ever being in South Central,

but it was kind of a nice house. You know, it was once a nice neighborhood and now it has bars on the windows, but still a nice little house. And so he'd been living there for a while and doing well. Yeah. Well, it was after all of that shit happened and we went back inside

after we'd taken lots of photos of the police tape and we go back inside and you said beer to everybody yes and you went into the kitchen Andy and I sat down in that little lounge room and we hear from the kitchen oh fuck she took one of me good steak knives and that was like the topper for the night it's like oh you poor thing yeah no i should go back and get that from evidence shouldn't you return that what point yeah i probably told this story if not on this podcast i'm sure i've told it on rogan's podcast because he was he cocktailed with them. It was a very awkward, tense kind of like, what the fuck is going on here? So if you had to sit through that story twice, well, go fuck yourself.

I don't remember. You're the assholes who show up at two consecutive shows. We've had some assholes on this tour. Not nearly as bad as when you play the UK. In fact, actually, compared to my general touring schedule anywhere, not assholes hardly at all. No.

They're remarkably polite people. Yeah, yeah. But the ones we had, the last few nights, hardly at all. No. They're remarkably polite people. Yeah, yeah. But the ones we had, the last few nights, we were two nights in Perth where the first night I had to basically throw out the entire front row.

I was just getting down to that. I don't have the patience for this and there's too many of you together that are all just talking and then trying to... It was the worst type of heckling because, as you said, nobody else could hear them or very few other people could hear them. Right.

And they just say stuff. Start going into a bit. Celebrity death pool! This has nothing to do... I know you're making me understand that you follow me, and I appreciate that, but this is not the time or the place.

Right. And I don't know. I gave them enough back and forth, and I gave them a warning, I think, or three. Oh, you gave them several. And I'm just, you just fucking, you got to go. Sorry. You're never going to. You know when they're too wasted, you know, there's

no way you can't sober them up. So if they're in that headspace and they're drunk and they're more than one of them, it's just going to continue to fuck up the show. And I said, should I just deal with this now or just let you fuck up bit after bit after bit and do it later? So let's just throw you out now. Just be good about it. And they weren't. you fuck up bit after bit after bit and do it later so let's just throw you out now yeah just be good about it and they weren't did they wait in the car park and well they couldn't understand

why they're getting thrown out so they're standing in the front row this dreadlocked shithead and his girlfriend with half a shaved head that's holding him back saying you don't have to leave don't listen to him like no you have to leave you're the fucking problem lady you are you that one chick are solely responsible for 90 of the bar fights that ever happened in a bar is because you're telling the dude don't listen to him don't back down from him oh fabulous well done path Perth. And then they were... One of them was filming, and I'm like, you can't fucking film.

Finally, Alex has to play Bouncer, and he's got height, but you can tell by his overly groomed beard that he doesn't have chops. There's not enough blood coursing through those breasts. And the other guy that ran the venue, he wasn't cool as shit, but he's a little gray-haired old hippie dude.

So they're the one, two, and the guy's standing up getting eye to eye going, I don't have to leave. And I'm going, don't you make me turn the fucking audience into a bouncer. So I got, like three of them got thrown out. And then I go, all right, front row seats for you in the back. And three people came up and took the seats.

I go right back into whatever I had been talking about before. And I look down and the fucking guy that had just taken the new seat sitting there filming me. Oh, perfect. Did you not just see the debacle that happened? Are you a fucking idiot and by then I'd really lost my shit like no now

you have to go you have to go but I've been a fan forever but you're a fucking idiot and the thing is every time people get thrown out and it's like only twice on this out of 10 shows or nine shows

did we have to have people removed uh that one just happened to be several people but it's it generally starts with filming yeah yeah but no one ever films them getting thrown out if you're gonna film i don't mind you filming at my show if you're filming someone being violently removed. Everyone wants to see that footage, and it's not burning my material. I've been using that bit since cell phone cameras came out, the old have them violently removed gag. So film that. You guys are going to stop having a fucking party. First of all, get that fucking camera out of here.

I know I saw that. You know how I saw that? I saw it by how it ruined the fucking timing of my bid. You guys, you're fucking one step away from the fucking bar and there's going to be five people at the bar that get your seats.

They're fucking nice. I know you're excited. These are the... They don't let these people on the beach. I saw the drink there for me but did you see how I was building up to a fucking climax of the end of a bit and then you go hey wait

he needs a free drink he doesn't get that in life he has no other way than getting a drink and these people will understand if I just crush all the timing of a bit there you go

you need it more than me alright I'm gonna start chucking you out soon yeah you know what instead of like letting you piecemeal fuck up the show,

and I know you don't know you're fucking up the show, but I've kind of hinted at it a lot. So why don't you just guide towards the fucking back now rather than you fuck up all the time. First of all, don't you fucking tell him no. You're the fucking problem everywhere. It's the one chick that will fuck these guys going no no make him

throw you out honey make him throw you out no when the tour gets to the end stages like I dealt with a lot of this shit in Byron Bay only because I knew my act was fucked and I knew I was fucking them over. So I let a lot of that go. But now as we're getting short, as they say,

yeah, yeah, I don't care. They're not going to get better. Don't you make me turn the fucking crowd into a bouncer, motherfuckers. Do you know how much hate these people have? The show will not continue until you leave. Do you? Yeah.

All of you. Yes. All of you. Yes. All of you. All of you. Yes. Yes, you.

He's alright. Hey, hey, hey. Take your glasses. There you go. I think we're good now. No, no, wait, wait. I guess alright. But he's going to go.

If he's with them, they're going to wait around for him. Sorry. Collateral damage again. All right. We good again? There's two more. Two more for you. Come on in.

There's one right here and there's one right there. Small guy or a small gal for this one. This guy's giant, so... It's a middle seat in the fucking airline. You'll get in there. All right, everyone want to fucking meet you? A person next to you that you don't know? Introduce yourself.

We'll get this right back on track. I don't do that often enough. I, uh... I realized, 24 years of doing this I could just have people thrown out just for no reason you're wearing an affliction shirt

get out no you didn't do anything wrong you laughed at all my jokes but I hate that stupid shirt see I don't abuse my power but sometimes they weren't going to get better. Trust me. It was just going downhill.

Yeah, all right. Now let's take a minute to regroup. And keep in mind, my written material will never be more entertaining than people being physically removed from a show. Nobody ever leaves a street fight to go watch the band. He's glassing the other guy,

but wait, they're playing Mustang Sally. I have to remember where I was Brian can you get me a shot and a glass of I got vodka on me so if you just get me a glass of club soda I'd be good but definitely give me a shot of tequila or fucking anything

with the fucking camera what am I going to throw everyone out I'm right here did you With the fucking camera. What, am I going to throw everyone out? I'm right here. Did you... What, stop with the camera. Jesus, how many times do I have to fucking... No, don't film me. You're sitting there filming me.

Are you fucking dense? You're looking at me. Why are you fucking mad-dogging me? You don't sit and fucking film a show, are you? You're a big fan, but that means you should know you don't sit in the front row and film someone. I'm trying to think here. Wait, if you're just sitting there having a fucking conversation with your friend at lunch, and I just walked up and started filming you,

how good is your concentration? Are you just going to keep talking about fucking your things at work? Or does that fuck, you go, what the fuck are you doing? That's what I'm doing to you. Exactly what you'd do to me if I was filming you having a conversation with your friends. So don't... It takes me out of my head. Wait, no. If I'm prepared to what? Fuck off, guys.

I didn't think I was going to turn on people until Melbourne why do you think that's okay to just fucking film someone it doesn't make any sense to me I've got for years oh jeez generally people go

I'm sorry I'm sorry sorry you caught me filming Hannigan brought up a great point back when bootlegging started it actually took fucking skill. You would have to hide a tape recorder in a boot and have some friend wire you up, and it was a big Ocean's Eleven kind of project.

And now everyone thinks they can just go, meh, get everything. And here's the thing. No one, I guarantee you, nobody... You can... There you go. There you go. Go to the back. I'm good with detention. I know you didn't mean anything,

but you can tell I'm already fucking geared up and just threw out other people that were filming, and then you take their seats and start filming. So, yeah, hang out at the back. I know... just threw out other people that were filming and then you take their seats and start filming. So yeah, hang out of the back. I know... I'm not fucking... I know. And I have to accept that a lot of the people

I draw, it's my own fault. So I try to have some kind of... I'm gonna frisk you for a camera before you sit down. I got nothing. I'm sweating my balls off. I don't know if it's this vodka. It's quite warm in here.

It's the shitty fucking weather. It's horrible. It's not bad outside. It's nice in the hallway. It's this vodka. It's quite warm in here. It's the shitty fucking weather. It's horrible. It's not bad outside. It's nice in the hallway. It's muggy. All right. Muggy socks. Hey, you know what? We'll take a break.

We'll just leave it running. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. Great news, kids. The Much Neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by greg chaley so we have uh tour t-shirts podcast t-shirts we have pop-off vodka presents t-shirts

get them before we get sued before we get the cease and desist and a whole shitload of uh cds and dvds that span a lifetime a sad tragic bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications uh so help me get that shit out of my crawl space thanks for that and now back to the podcast previously recorded. Okay, a quick note. Bill Burr evidently just announced Australia and New Zealand dates. I don't know. I think it's maybe February, but go to BillBurr.com

and yeah, if you were at these shows, you're gonna fucking love Bill Burr if you don't already know him. And, uh, I'm guessing you already do. So, uh, yeah, check that out at BillBurr.com. I have no upcoming dates, nor do I plan on booking any for a while. I

need to decide if I want to do this stupid career anymore. But I do that about every year, and I always come racing back like a whore. Alright, you know what? Fuck this. Do a station ID.

This message was brought to you by Doritos. What? No, your name, lady. Roseanne Barr and Doritos. A what? Know your name, lady. Roseanne Barr and Doritos. Crunchy corn chips, bitch. Miss Prinny, Australian comic legend. Oh, Jesus.

What is that, Apple and grass vodka? It's apple juice mixed with that horrible bison grass vodka, and you can still taste the horrible bison grass vodka. Yeah, I'd go with that ruby red. That'll kill anything. Hey, you know what? My sponsor this week for this entire tour has been whatever brand of lumpfish caviar.

That's right. I found this stuff when I was in England, and I was eating the shit out of it. It's basically tobiko if you eat sushi, little tiny eggs. I hate that stuff. But it's really fishy and really salty, and it's grotesque. And Alex hooked me up with like seven tins of it, little jars. So I've been sitting there just getting fat, not leaving the room, not seeing any sights, eating lumpfish caviar,

which is only like six bucks a jar. When you say caviar, people have that, you know. Well, the giveaway is in the word lump. Yeah, lumpfish. You know who's not been getting fat? Bingo Bingaman. Bingo Bingaman has been, she quit smoking, exercising, like four hours on a treadmill yesterday.

That's why your nipples are chafed today. Looking good, getting tan, getting fit. And, yeah, you look gorgeous. It'll all fall apart. Don't worry. Off to New Zealand. You get some New Zealand ice cream in you. You'll be all right.

So, Prini, before we get to part two of this, you're sponsored by who? Every guest gets to have fake sponsorship. There's no plastic jug vodka on this fucking island. The special at the Woolworths was two bar-sized bottles of Smirnoff, not the big jug, bar-sized, two for 86 bucks.

That's not bad. Australian drunks are really committed to the beer. By the way, you have raised a very interesting nomenclature or definitional problem there because you referred to this as an island whereas I think strictly speaking it's a continent well it's a continent that's a fucking island

well I don't think that's true I think if you're a continent you can't be an island why can't you be an island continent because the whole point of being an island is that you're off something else. Whereas a continent is a definitional mass. Well, you know what?

That gives the readers, the listeners, something to write in about. Join in on the argument. That's why I like to raise these things because I know what they're like

and they love these sort of things. You've upset somebody in Topeka, Kansas. That's right. I can feel it in my bones. Yeah. Why did you say Topeka, Kansasansas i don't know why because of those fucking eggs what is it where they're from no because you heat to find them as being like topeka

if you get them in sushi tapioca is that what you're talking about no tobiko tobiko that's why you said oh oh maybe it was sushi you know little tiny eggs i don't like sushi by the way something else yeah well you're goddamn lucky you don't like sushi. By the way, something else. Yeah, well, you're goddamn lucky you don't like sushi because this fucking island has the shittiest sushi ever. I fucking snapped on a guy. Maybe we can pull the audio because that was the second night in Perth.

I had already been fed up the first night audience and some guy stood up in the back when I mentioned the shitty sushi. And I just went off, you fucking midnight oil looking motherfucker. Come up to my face. You want to heckle from the back? You want to see what a fucking small man can do to you?

The sushi here is terrible. And he just shouts out, Japan. All right, yeah, maybe we can yank the audio. Alex will get that to Chaley, and Chaley will do his little editing magic, and we'll see how much of the heckler shit we can pull out of the two nights in Perth. Are they marked? Are they labeled?

Will he know which nights are Perth? All right, good. I spend a lot of time. You know, I don't go to to fucking zoos or see your thing. I have no interest. The only interests I have are going to thrift stores in the States and trying to put together a stupid outfit. 70s vintage things.

And I try to find good sushi, which I've never found in this. That was my biggest shock here Japan, no shit wow are you a at hot tip on twitter yeah it's all fucking coastline here you think

you have plenty of surf culture, you fucking assholes. How about while you're out surfing, you find a fish that you can sell? The only sushi I found that was in Canberra, that was in one of those train sushi places, two out of three things were slathered in mayonnaise. Go fuck yourself. Oh, you have the biggest balls in the back of the room. There's an open fucking chair.

You fucking giant Nazi. You look like fucking midnight oil. Come up here. Fuck with me. Fuck with a small man. Go ahead. See what I have to fucking offer. Martin Bryant. Yeah, he was his petite dude too. You fucking cunt.

Yes, your sushi sucks. Did I shit on your national pride? Your sushi is shit. It all comes from a factory pre-rolled with garbage fucking... It's like supermarket sushi. It's vending machine sushi. I've ordered better sushi on eBay. You fucking asshole.

I'm sorry you had to take the beating for everyone else I wanted to yell at in my life. So his response was Japan. Yeah, and I don't know. At that point I just went fucking blinders. But it came

out funny enough, I i guess that it didn't turn into a conflict but i meant i i made it funny enough that i could get away with calling it comedy uh so who's your sponsor well actually my sponsor this week would be my mechanic because my ridiculously retarded cube we're gonna miss and cube um has shit oh my god i know what an embarrassment that had to be ben's idea no no i saw a picture of it and i said oh that is the most ridiculous looking car i must have one and i went online and i found one and i bought it I love it. And we call it the retardus. Because it's deceptively huge inside. And I love this fucking car.

And it's just shit. It's transmission all over the shop. So I've got to get a new transmission. And I'm really sad about it. So who's your mechanic? Medine from Mountain Mechanic Autos in Bayswater. Bless his cotton socks. Medine from Mountain Mechanic Autos in Bayswater. B cotton socks Madeen from Mount Bayswater

Bayswater Doesn't it sound exotic If you have a piece of shit Isn't that the same thing As a soul Or is a cube Worse than a soul Yeah

The cube No self-respecting rodent Would be seen inside In this side My friend said It looks like a Nazi Staff car It looks like a Nazi

Clown car All the kids think It looks like a Postman pat. It looks like a Nazi clone car. All the kids think it looks like a postman pat van. It's black. And it has one weird back window that doesn't match the other. I fucking love it. All right. Well, you know what?

If you have a shitty car that you're embarrassed about, go to see Madeen. Madeen in Bayswater. Madeen in Bayswater. He's ace. All right. Now, last night we're at the hotel having a nice conversation over a light dinner.

Yes. And I step out to smoke a cigarette as we're talking about the good old days. And in the course of a cigarette, I come back in to hear your stories about your first husband raping children. And I go, how did I miss this segue? Oh, she was just talking about having her first therapy session,

talking about her husband and child rape. Fucking Hennigan must be the king of the segues here. We're talking about the goofy old days on the internet. Next thing you know, he lures it out of me with a piece of cheese. I smelt it coming. I knew there was something in there. Very weird day yesterday. Just a really fucking weird day.

Because, yeah, I do. I had my first therapy session in, well, ever, because it's been umpty hundred years since I was married to that piece of fucking shit. Hey, that's slanderous. When you're going to talk about a guy fucking kids, let's keep the libel above board. Okay, well, let's just call him Craig Jasnik.

Don't bleep that out. He was convicted, Chaley. Yeah. I have to talk to my distant across the water. What was he convicted of? Oh, I'm not sure what the final charge was. Improper relations with a minor. Poor sportsmanship.

Yeah, putting his thumb over the blowhole. I'm not sure. But yeah, he walked away with a really little slap on the wrist and a, oh, you've been naughty. So this is, now just to give it its context, you said yesterday that you went to the therapy session partly because the issues involved in your situation had been dredged to the surface by the Andy Andrist. Andy Andrist, yeah. See, Andy, you are reaching people out there. It's like this

This whole podcast You've made your bad touch A good touch Yeah Yeah So go ahead Get to the meat Oh the meat

Jesus Fuck You marry this guy You're how old 20 something stupid Alright Yeah early 20s Um

Stupid Um Married him. He had a shit family and we used to say, oh, isn't it good that he's the only one that got out unscathed because the father was a raving lunatic. The mother and the eldest sister, when we were just going out, there'd been a problem with Craig Jasnik, J-A-Z-O-W-N-I-K.

just going out, there'd been a problem with Craig Jasnik, J-A-Z-O-W-N-I-K. He'd stolen a cheque from my roommate and had used his student ID to cash it. So I'm there for thinking. And he'd been caught and blah, blah, blah. And this is the one you thought he's a keeper? Here's the one that I thought, I know his mother's a cunt and I know his father's an abusive asshole, so maybe he just needs to be pointed in the right direction. Kids rebel against their parents.

Yeah. Joke's on me. He was the most fucked up one in the group. But he was a male model. Yeah, he was an in-house model for Jag. Better not say that. For a prominent clothing label. If it's a fact, it's a fact.

Yeah, but you don't want to drag them down. Don't want to drag them into it. They don't need the publicity at all. He wasn't on the clock when he was doing this shit. No, he was just stealing from them. He wasn't on the clock when he was doing this shit. No, he was just stealing from them. He wasn't a mall Santa. Hey, can you model as a mall Santa in a private room? What?

Yeah, so the whole Andy thing came up, and I just loved the retribution, the confession and that whole thing, just fucking up and cheering and high-fiving anybody that would walk near me and they'd, what's this for? Don't worry, just high-five me, I'm happy. And then Linda and I and another female comic from Australia, Fiona O'Loughlin, who's brilliant and wonderful who you would love um we all met up one night

at a gig and she said to us i want to do a show with you guys and linda and i were i'm just reeling from this shit with andy and linda had been dealing with a lot of stuff and we're both in turmoil your old partner what was the name of your TV show? Miss Itchy is our duo. All right. And we had, you know, enumerant... This vodka's good. Yeah, a lot of different... Enumerable, you know, smacks Italian.

All right. Nothing special. So it was Miss Itchy was the show, and Linda was your partner. And we still do Miss Itchy, and that's a very different thing to our stand-up. All right so anyway fiona sees us at a pub and she says i want to do a show with you guys and we went okay what could possibly go wrong she's a recovering alcoholic just rebuilding her career she's also had this massive change in her life. So she said, let's do a show about, you know, getting on with it. And she knew nothing about my history at all.

The only one that knew, it was Linda. So we mount this show, we're doing Miss Hitchie, we're doing stand-up and at the end of it we did this chat section where we'd sent out questions to the audience and he'd go write down what you want to ask us and it was just no holds barred stuff and fiona has been all over the media here because she'd had this really public um she'd collapsed on stage she was so drunk she passed out on stage during a gig oh that makes news over here okay put on my set list. Honey, when you're a woman, yeah, had she been a bloke,

it would have been, ah, a little scamp. But no, she's got the lady jugs and the vagina. So it's a story when that happens. All right. So yeah,

so she was rebuilding her career. She was sober for the first time in, you know, umpty hundred years. Boo. And we put on this show and we get to to this this um q a this q a and there was some really full-on stuff there because her kids had been part of her act and so there

was questions about her kids and then there was questions about you know what is this show about really about getting over what and because linda's the only one on stage that knows my history and knows what my deepest darkest is so she's we're kicking along with this show and Fiona's answering these questions and people are crying and it was just really full-on and Linda and then Linda answered some stories she's got her own story which is amazing and horrendous and and all those things so she's doing her bit and there was more tears and more this is a bit full-on and then linda turns to me and says so what's your problem i said no no i'm fine you two are weird and you know because i couldn't say it did she out you yes she did oh she did. Oh, that's great. It was. It was.

Yeah. So how did she say it? She just told the audience that my ex was a pedophile and that I'd caught him. You walked in on it. Yeah. I walked in on the... Incident. On the incident.

On an incident. With a... With a young girl with mental health issues, learning disabilities. Under 10. Under 11. Yeah. Spectacular human being. Wow.

Spectacular. Yeah. Spectacular human being. Wow. Spectacular. Yeah. And he jumped up and said, she doesn't mean anything, honey. It was just. It was really the whole. I love you. This is just a thing. It's a one-time thing.

I was thinking about you. No, the entire day was such a series of coincidence because I had decided to go back to nursing, which I had not done for years and years and years and years. So I did my first nursing shift and I was an agency nurse, which is casual. So I walked across to the hospital. This person was staying in our house with us and I said I'll see you later and she said can I come to work with you and I said well no it's it's not comedy I'm going to nurse I'll see you when I get home so I'm off to do an eight hour shift and I walked across to the hospital and I got there and I'd been double booked, which had never happened before in all the years I'd nursed, never.

Comedy all the time, but not nursing. Never nursing because it's such a specialised field that I was in. So I stood by the phone because it was pre, really pre-mobile days and I stood by the phone. I thought I'll just ring them and tell them I'm coming back. I know, ah, I'll be back in a minute. And I walked back back didn't tell anybody and in that I don't know 20 minutes that I'd been gone for eight hours it was on he'd

you know set the stage and was abusing her and I you've got been gone for 20 minutes and then 20 minutes I don't I'm not due back for another seven and a half hours. Oh, okay. All right. I didn't understand the eight hours part. Yeah. And, um, I remember walking up to the door and normally I would buzz the buzzer cause I'm lazy and I don't want to get my key out of my pocket.

I thought, Oh, I've got a key. So I let myself in and all the blinds were down and I thought, Oh, that's weird. Cause I've I let myself in. And all the blinds were down. And I thought, oh, that's weird because I've got a real blind diversion. It's got to be open. And then I opened the door and went, okay, hi. Hi. Well, you, I clearly have to kill with my own hands. And you said that?

Yeah. I looked him dead in the eye and I said, you, I'm going to kill. And so he ran off to the kitchen to get a knife. All our stories have knives today it's the knife show we should be sponsored by knives thanks wusthof german engineering at its best fuck me ginsu that's the one that took me too long to get to routine can yeah and an ex-husband's hand i didn't know he was just getting away from me because i'd threatened him She threw a tin can and her next husband's hand. So he runs off to the kitchen to get laid. I didn't know. He was just getting away from me because I'd threatened him.

And I was really, like, because I'm not calm, you know me. I don't tend to run calm ever. And I was uber calm. Scary calm. And so I was just completely focused On removing her Getting her out of the house So she's wearing a towel, nothing else

I take her out the glass doors of the apartment My car's right there So I can still see him And I put her in the car and I locked it And I said to her, if anybody comes near the car Just on the horn I'll come straight back. But nobody's coming near the car, I can promise you. Can't promise you anything else in the past.

But this one I'm pretty sure on. And I walk back inside with this very clear picture of how I was going to – oh, that's what happened, sorry, before we actually left the house. He came back from the kitchen with a knife and I remember looking at him thinking, are you fucking kidding me? You're going to come at me with a knife? Oh, this is so going to be over so fast because I will do you. You are flayed, sunshine.

And he had these bullshit superficial cuts on his wrists which he showed her. Fainting. Yeah. And he said to the victim look what you made me do. In front of me. I'm right here. Oh my goodness. You fucking asshole. So yeah that's when I looked him in the eye and I said

you I'm going to kill. I'll be right back. Please hold. Just hold. I'm going to kill I'll be right back please hold your business is important to us please continue to hold do you know here's some of the ways you could be killed please continue to hold press one if you would like me to cut your hands off

press two if you would like me to I'm picturing the walk to the car kind of like the Michael Madsen bit in Reservoir Dogs, where he very calmly goes out to the car and then comes back against the torture scene. I'm just seeing you just walking to the car. By the time I got back, I had an afro the whole deal. Right.

Yeah, but it was through glass doors. So I was right there. Right. And I came back into the house ready to just deal with him and the fucker was gone and i was so mad he'd gone out the front door but not before not yes not before we found out a couple of weeks later because i just completely fell apart then um so i moved all my shit out of the apartment in well I didn't I couldn't go back there and um I got my filing cabinet home this is weeks later

and I'm going through my filing cabinet and I thought all my term deposit slips have gone they're like you know um like your checkbook it's it's like a a bond like a that you take to the bank and here's this give me ten thousand dollars cashier check all right yeah so in that insanity that had just happened and he's naked by the way don't forget he's stopped to um go through the filing cabinet and take out my term deposit slips, find his pants and his shoes and go. That's where he went. That's his brain space.

And he tried to cash, did you say 40 grand? Yeah, he would have taken them to the bank. But he would have needed to afford my signature because mine was the only name. It was my money. It was the only name I had was my money. It was mine. It was the only name I had. Oh, I thought he had tried and failed.

Oh, I'm sure he would, but I hadn't had any contact with the bank. And when I found them gone, I just said, because I was useless, catatonic. How long before they arrested him? Less than 24 hours. All right. Yeah. And by slap on the wrist uh he'd served time in remand no jail time and suspended a suspended sentence for time served time served you're a fucking kidding me yeah yeah unless your court system is so backed

up that he's 90 now. Yeah, he's just a kiddie rapist. It's not like he's driven too fast. What was his name again, in case people weren't listening? Craig Jasnik. That's not Anthony Jeselnik, the comic, for you who are doing dishes and not quite paying attention.

That guy does not rape children. What area of Australia does he live in? Southeast Melbourne, as far as I know. And I know that he's remarried and has children, which horrifies the shit out of me. Horrifies the shit out of me. Yeah, that doesn't stop. It doesn't stop.

And the victim that I caught him with was not the only one. Man, well. I'm sponsored by therapy and Ginzu knives. After Thanksgiving, I'm having hypnotherapy That'll be messy, call me after that Well she was wearing a towel You know if you want devil's advocate Over here, kid wearing a towel

You know I thought it was a toga party Give him a fucking toga party Piece of shit So can you remember calling the police? No, no, I didn't. No, I was a wreck. Right.

Yeah. So who called the cops? The kid? Mom and dad. Yeah, I just took her away. And my parents. Is it one of those things that it's never spoken of now? Not really, no.

Like with the parents and the family? Yeah how's how'd the kid turn out fractious she's trouble can she put a set together because andy andrews still to this day can't put a set together and stick to it no no i don't think so i mean she was at a disadvantage already, you know, having learning disabilities and, you know, being easy to manipulate and all the rest of it. So, yeah, just total victim. So how did you find the first therapy session? It was I howled the whole time.

I walked in and she said, how are you? And I went, ah! And I continued for two hours. And she said, how are you? And I went, ah! And that continued for two hours. And she said, this is going to be okay. And what are you doing for the rest of the day? You're probably going to want to go home and have sleep. And I went, well, actually, I'm doing a stand-up set tomorrow in front of 1,600 people, but, you know, no biggie.

And my friend's in town from the States who I haven't seen for about six years, but, no, it's fine. I'm just going to go home and cry and then I'll see him later and it'll be okay. Then we'll get drunk and then I'll do a set. So yeah, it's going to be a really shitty long haul. It'll be fun to know what helps you more because now that you're getting back into stand-up. What's more therapeutic? That lady or an audience full of miscreants?

J-O-W-N-I-K. Hey, Jessica. Sounds like the FM broadcaster of pedophilia. J-Zero. How great would you feel if one of my fans just delivered some no return address gift hat box to your door with that dude's head in it signed love the sausage army we could all play soccer it would be great i'm not i'm not really good with my feet i think you would be in that i have a white driving loafer i don't want to stain

up but yeah the past couple of months have been Because that show with Fiona was in November And we did two of those And poor Fiona, I have to say, bless her And I love her Fiona O'Loughlin Fiona O'Loughlin, fabulous, fabulous, fabulous Aussie comic She's great

But she was sitting on stage and was as blindsided As the audience was to that entire news. And it was just, it was right after Andy. It was right after Andy. And you guys were getting ready to hit that. Did you get any laughs out of it right off the bat? After the gut punch? Yes, I did.

Yeah, because that gallows humor kicks in so fast. Yeah, I know. It's your default setting. It's all right, let's get to the... Yeah, how can I alleviate this my pulse is about 150 at the moment so

I'll have a little come down party in a minute it's alright that's why Chaley does the editing speed this whole thing up right to the fucking gallows Yemmer

so yeah there's jokes in there but yeah I'm too fucked up at the moment to find them. It's all right. No one listens to this podcast. They'd be happy. Apart from a lot of lonely, vindictive men sitting alone in their basements.

Hello, chaps. He came at you with a knife. That's not a knife. I know. That's what I was hoping for there. You can't. You can't do that. It's too hacky.

It's too easy. It's still good that both stories with printing have involved knives. And knives. And also a knife I never got back and one that I really liked. So fuck him as well for that as well. Well, that's the same as Doug's knife. He never got that back. We both have knives.

You know what? We bonded over that. Lost cutlery. This is why I'm not allowed to have splayed. In the hands of the man. You're lucky I'd come after you, Mr. fucking sushi heckler. But I don't have my best knife. Fucking man took it away from me.

We should be sponsored by Spork. Yeah, somebody stole my executive Spork. Now there's Sporks in the States, but here they're called Splades. And Solangoputa, which is just a fabulous company name, was the primary manufacturer of the Splade. And they would come in a velvet lined box, set of six, very posh. Have you ever tried a porcelain blade if i bought you i think i once thought about buying you one and i thought no better not no i got one of those like plastic blade things okay but you don't try the porcelain blades

no i don't think they're crazy we're talking about knives or sporks no i'm talking about knives like oh okay i quite like the kitchen equipment stuff. You are the gayest, gayest straight Scotsman I've ever met in my life. Mm-hmm. That's how I get the chicks. That's why I love you. And I bought this ceramic blade

and it's long and detailed to explain, but you know, you think of ceramic as being like, you know, what toilets are made of, but there's a way of processing porcelain so that you get a porcelain blade and it's the sharpest fucking thing you've ever touched it is it is almost impractical because anything you touch gets cut and like you can't just sort

of like oh well i cut here because just by placing it on the whatever you're it yeah give me one of those yeah it's fantastic you know i'm thinking that i should on some level be defending that that guy and pedophiles in general do have a fucking mental disorder and uh yes but but go ahead but there's also, I have nothing against some people just need to die because their mental disorder, if you're a cannibal and you can't control your appetite, you go out and, well, yeah, you should probably be put down for the better of society. I like to come in on that. Yeah. I read a lot of true crime and there's a brilliant sociologist called Elliot Leighton, who's a Canadian and being Canadian,

he's remarkably like liberal and so speak with it. And he studies, he's written a couple of books, one about, I think one is called hunting humans, which is not about serial killers. It's about, you know what they call them spree killers,

which is very different mindset from a serial killer. And then, and then, and his book about serial killers, I think, was called Soul Survivor. I'm a bit confused here. He also wrote a brilliant book called Murder in Modern England. Anyway, I saw him interviewed

once, and he's remarkably liberal, remarkably erudite, and he just said at the end of this interview, oh yes, the thing about serial killers is they're basically a virus, and the only cure is to liberal marbly erudite and he just said at the end of this interview oh yes the thing about uh serial killers is they're basically a virus and the only cure is to kill them like so what it's not a punishment it's just like they're an aberration and should be killed yeah look the fact that they these pederasts and pedophiles are so calculating they know it's wrong because they hide it exactly number. Number fucking one.

And they do create like a fabulous pathological liar. They create a reality for themselves which absolutely absolves them of blame. And I'm sure he still blames me and everybody else around him. And, you know, he was the victim, absolutely, and I'm sure he believes that. And the only way to cure that is a nice ceramic blade across the deepest part of the throat. It's my cure setter. We could start where your ingrown hair started.

Just work our way up. I feel great. I don't like to talk about that. The first one was funny. I had a second ingrown hair about the same area. Really? Oh, yeah. I don't like ingrown hair about the same area. Really? Oh, yeah. I don't like to talk about it.

Was that the Hinden bag? It was one of the few times I went to a doctor and it was the... Was that the Hinden bag after you vasectomied? No, no. This was another ingrown hair. That's when I stopped shaving my fucking balls. I remember that. Yeah.

I'm like, all right, this has happened twice. And the second time it got... Was somebody insisting that you shave them? No, you just figure I got fucking gross pubes fucking like long gross i finished washing the cat and mother i might as well tidy up downstairs yeah but yeah that uh that certain area because i have some fucking creeper vine hairs it'll yeah yeah it's you can trim but but not shave. Don't shave that area. Because the second one became, not impacted, but it was fucking gross. You had a hydrosil.

It took a long time to fucking heal, and it was disgusting. You had to have it extracted? I don't even want to get into the fucking details. It takes a lot to get you grossed out. Yeah, well, it's on your own dick. You ever see a fucking dog get bit and the skin doesn't fucking

it stays open. Like if a dog gets a wound, it stays open. So by the time that thing came out, it was just a fucking open hole that was not trying to if you cut your hand it's gonna like it's not gonna be a big fucking it's gonna tense up yeah bag skin just oh it's fucking foul well let's move on to something that you've brought up here which is this a general warning people who come to visit Bisbee.

We've had yet another iteration of don't bring your dog to visit. Yeah, I'm going to find out. We're going to save that for when we're at home because we have a visiting dog. I paid for three vet bills before I go. You can bring your dog over, but at some point, Henry will probably turn on it. I have a dog named Henry Phillips, as well as a friend named Henry Phillips, who, you know, completely randomly.

Does the dog like to cook really badly? Well, Brett Erickson is on his way to L.A., who I think he's going to be putting out a Doug Stanhope podcast with him as the guest host. Since I'm away here, I didn't know I'd have equipment, so I guess they're dropping one of those. But he brought his dog, and it's a pit. Mine's a half pit, small, like 50, 45 pounds.

They brought a pit, and I guess Henry still remains unbeaten. So, yeah, don't bring your fucking dog to my house. So I think that means it's open for kids to come there now. We had a little turn of events. Nope. Ichabod's the one that gets in a kid's face, and kids tend to panic. I've got a photo of Ichabod and Spike.

What's that? That far apart. Is Ichabod attacked, people? You were holding him? Ichabod has gone in a kid's face You know how he gets when you come to the door I've never seen him do that It was at the football field when we were running around

And he went right up to some kids And I wasn't there It was scary But that's, yeah, I don't know how to wrap this thing up Let me look at my notes Should we take a little pause Let me look at my notes George we take a little pause by the canose now now, okay the fucking weird guy in Canberra Canberra is the only show I actually went out. Sorry. I didn't come out and take pictures, but it's I don't It's unwieldy and this like most of the shows Canberra was a small enough audience

I go I'll hang out. Yeah. But it was literally two hours of, can we get a picture? Can I get a picture with him? Can we get a picture together? You got a picture and a picture. I'd love to fucking hang out and drink with you and listen to your fucking stories. But the whole camera thing, I hate posing. I hate my head.

And it's just, that was only maybe however many people are hanging around. 40 people left after a show. And it was too fucking, one guy, I love the crazies. He's a guy, and I guess he came to a bunch of shows. That's the only one I went out, so I only saw him there. I hate this love of the crazies. Very quiet. Well, it depends. This guy had done 18 months in prison for assault or something.

And he told me the story very quickly. And I don't know, you kept me sane in there or whatever. But he handed me a folder full of prison letters and his prison IDs and parole. And when he handed it to you, he said, be careful. No, that's for margin call. Anyway, keep going. No, but it was so important that I had these. And I'm like, you probably want to keep these.

You might want them someday. So I kept them up until now. And I'll probably ditch them. But I did read your shit on a plane and the guy next to me was very creeped out because I had it all spaced out like I was working a case. So I had your two photo IDs on one side and then I'm going through each letter with your...

And the guy in the middle seat, I was hoping he'd ask me what I do because I had all like... I could make such an amazing bullshit story like I'm hunting this guy down for the mob or I'm a bounty hunter but the only thing he did look over at one point and pointed to the the jail and says isn't that place closed and I don't have any idea he's like well I think that was used to be such and such and I go I really have no idea whatsoever and then he didn't ask.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Do you think we'll have another Australia podcast? No. Maybe a New Zealand. Okay. Well, here's. Okay.

I just want to know. We do need to pay tribute to Virgin Australia. Virgin Australia is fantastic. Yeah. I mean, compared to, frankly, I mean, it makes traveling a pleasure again, almost. Oh, the entire Australian flying experience. If you're flying on a fucking crop duster, you can just go to a gate. You don't even need a boarding pass to go into the terminals.

You don't take off shoes. You don't take out liquids. You don't take out an ID. So by TSA definitions definitions we've been living under the threat of imminent death the past three weeks because apparently we've not been taking off our shoes and we've not been having all our bags scanned and etc

so no ID I mean you need an ID to get your ticket we got our boarding pass I got my boarding pass by typing my name into a machine. You don't even need a fucking ID over here. I didn't even...

To fly internally. I just didn't know I was Brian Hennigan flying from Brisbane, and it gave me the boarding pass. Yeah, so you could just go to the gate and kiss your loved ones goodbye and shit. Well, there's only two Brian Hennigans in the whole of Australia. The only thing they ask you when you're going through security is to take out your laptop and your umbrellas and that was only at the last one that was uh flying perth to to here in melbourne is take out umbrellas they're very afraid of the rain in perth very afraid no idea

maybe they're afraid was there an umbrella bomber like the shoe bomber? No. Maybe they were afraid of bad luck. They don't want you opening it. It could be like from a Bond movie where they shoot poison darts. There's no new shoes on the table either. They'd be doing that shit. No hat on the bed, sir, sir. All right, let's wrap this up. And Prinny, you can find her at Fahey Younger on Twitter.

Fahey, F-A-H-E-Y Younger at Twitter. She also tours us. Miss Itchy. Miss Itchy is the duo I do with Linda. That is really weird shit. So you'll like that. We're dressed as fat bridesmaids and we mash stuff. It's mental.

And then you're going to work in the My Husband Was a Pedophile angle. You know, one of the first Miss Itchy shows. Her then you're going to work in the my husband was a pedophile angle. You know, one of the first her ex-husband, not Ben. Not my beautiful Ben. I keep bashing on Ben, your current husband, but that's just how we do over the years. You've called him our husband for years.

Yeah, yeah. Since we got married. No, I've called you our wife, so by default. But no, Ben is a beautiful human being that I could just smash the face off. He's a milky, clammy, moist man with long piano fingers. Yes. You know what?

Seriously, if I was afraid of marrying the same problem, that guy's got the look. I'm going to make you kiss him on the mouth again tonight. I will. Kiss me now. I will.

I love you. Now play the mattoid. Yes! Part time. Part time. Party time Drink your drinks and eat your eats, it's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time. Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time.

Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time. Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time. Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time

Here we go! Party time! Yeah! Party time, yeah Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time! Party time! Party time!

Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time! Party time!