The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #56: All Star New Year's Eve Marathon Drunk Podcast

Episode Date: January 14, 2015

It’s New Year’s Eve and Doug rounds up some favorite past podcast guests for a marathon recording into 2015. Comics mentioned in podcastAndy Sanford - http://andysandford.com/Tom Segura - http://tomsegura.com/Brett Erickson - http://www.brettericksoncomedy.com/Laughing Samoans - http://www.laughingsamoans.com/Junior Stopka - http://juniorstopka.com/Melissa Reeves - http://melissareaves.com/Miners and Merchants Antique Center - http://on.fb.me/148EdNeBisbee Artist Gretchen Baer - http://www.gretchenbaer.com/This podcast sponsored by -Sax Underwear - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/Plastic Jug Vodka - http://bit.ly/1ApwxkzBlue Banana Beach House, Tonga - http://www.bluebananastudios.com/Beach-HouseTour T-Shirts are now available online at www.dougstanhope.com and supplies are limited.Recorded Jan 01, 2015 at the Safe House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), comedian Brett Erickson (@bretterickson68), Chad Shank (@HDfatty), Brian Hennigan (@mrhennigan) and Kerry Mitchell. Produced by Brett Erickson. Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Intro music “The Only One Drinking Tonight“ by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Funeral Party” by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Get on the Mailing List! No one is sure what the hell Doug is up to in 2015 so get on the mailing list in case he ditches retirement. Again.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything Well am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight

The only one drinking tonight Check, check. I thought I was the only one that was good at passive-aggressive behavior. You got nothing on Doug Stanhope. There's a lot of aggression in this passivity. Yeah. If anyone wants to chime in at any point, get up and just tap. Don't hennig in the fucking show with your...

Unless you likeilarity. You've become a verb. Oh, my God. If there's a way to make them both laugh. This is the Doug Stanhope second New Year's Eve podcast. Yep. Because 2014 was such an amazing year. It was.

And we have so many guests. We're well into 2015 at this point. What a year it's been. Well, for them. yeah. Looking back, it seems so recent. Yeah. We're last Monday morning quarterbacking the new year.

You hear talk with the smooth pipes, the smooth jazz pipes is Brett Erickson on his way to Los Angeles. Lovely Kerry Mitchell to try to start a fucking career at 47 years old. Yeah. Never too late. Operation Stanhope Coattails.

And the filthy uncut Scotsman, my manager slash business partner Brian Hennigan. Yep. Fresh back from a month in Tonga. It was only three weeks. Well, that's in their time. Fresh back from a month in Tonga. It was only three weeks. Well, that's in their time.

Yeah. It's a month. That's right. You're even thrifty on a calendar. Yeah. You go for a month, but it's only three weeks. What a Scotsman. And always, as always, as always, as often as possible, Chad Shank.

Thank you. We have the ladies. I was just thinking, you heard Brian Hennigan's laugh at his own joke. If we could have your girlfriend, Brett Erickson, Carrie Mitchell, and Brian Hennigan, they both have, we were talking about it yesterday, if they were a couple and they were sitting next to you at dinner because they both have these outrageous laughs that are contagious but together would be so fucking annoying like a train wreck hit a wicked witch but as you pointed out but in a

loving sort of way you only get hennigan's laugh at his own jokes because they're the only funny jokes i've had i don't know why that's a problem for anyone. Yeah, well, we'll fucking start with your Tonga. We'll just start. Actually, can I just say something that made me laugh in 2014? No, the debut,

I think it was a debut comedy album release of Andy Sanford. Very funny comedian out of New York. Now funny comedian out of New York. Now he's out of New York. You can get his album for free on Spotify. Look it up, Andy Sanford. Are you flirting with other clients? No, I'm just saying Andy Sanford is a very fucking funny guy.

I've actually heard that, and I will listen to him because it took me a million years to get around to Tom Segura, who Rogan and the whole Death squad people were all about and i finally listened to tom segura and he's fucking amazing yeah so there we go i hope you know i sometimes i i i'm so far away from comedy and i see so little of it outside of my opening acts that i already know that you go wow maybe they you don't tomura, let me tell you a good Peoria Tom Segura story. He came there, and you know how crazy Dan Conlon always just makes a weird poster

out of something off of the comedian's website? Well, Segura had a picture, like a fake headshot of himself, and instead of a microphone, he's holding a penis. But everything else looks like a normal comedian headshot like he's talking into it well conlan uh added this to the poster with either without and he says he knew it but you know and he was trying to be funny but it's on the poster uh a male penis and tom segura is talking into it in Peoria, Illinois. If it'll play in Peoria town, put that up at the laundromat.

So Segura shows up and he's like, what the fuck? What? That's not supposed to be on the, we're trying to bring people. I don't, what happened? I,

when I was, uh, I played that shithead at Stanford and sons in, uh, Kansas city. One of the glaziers. Yeah. Craig glazier.

I had just done girls gone wild and I'm going to do a week there and I show up and there is a poster. It literally had to be at least eight foot by five foot poster, the entire picture window, Doug Stanhope coming to film girls Gone Crazy or something like Ripoff. And he just like he had this whole thing that he wanted me to host something. He was filming at a bar. Oh, it's for a promotion.

We're just going to stop by this before I saw the poster. We do radio. And then we're going to go this afternoon to a bar. And you're just going to host this. I'm filming. It's like a Girls Gone Wild thing. And I'm like, I'm not doing... And I show up and the girls can't...

Well, you don't really have to do anything. You just have to make an appearance. But no, he has a fucking podium on the stage for me to get the girls to go wild. But it's Kansas City. You're not allowed to take off your clothes in a bar. So girls are not even going crazy. And I'm supposed to,

I'm just sitting there doing nothing but day drinking. I'm like, you're a fucking asshole. I'm here to do a show. And you have posters saying, I'm here to do your version of, of clothed girls gone wild. He's such a fucking rip off fucking scumbag guy.

But he would, maybe he was just anticipating you sort of the China, Chinese wave of bootlegging. And here that guy has a million, fucking scumbag guy but he would maybe he was just anticipating you sort of the china chinese wave of bootlegging and here that guy has a million stories about how he tried to you know he'll try to manipulate he's always got a million schemes happening at once too so for sure yeah and you're not in on any of them until you show up and you go oh oh, by the way, while you're here, you're going to blow a guy on camera. What? That didn't happen. Let's start with, okay, Andy Sanford, there's a plug.

Tom Segura, there's a plug. Boom. There. Ka-ching. Here's another plug. Visit Tonga. Great place. Well, let's start at the beginning.

I'm starting at the beginning with you because you. Me? We did. Me, Brian Hennigan? Yes, we... We did a... I'm going to say a month-long tour of Australia and New Zealand and you're going to go, it was three and a half weeks. Actually, it was five weeks.

No, it wasn't. Including the week travel. No, including the week in advance where we had to be in... It was... I left the States on November 4 and i get home on november 29 is okay is that five weeks well technically no well good it is in tonga and in reality no see see you just want to tell your funny stories about i don't have any funny stories about tonga no you started you started a world. You were gone for

five months. You had to start visiting your mother in a mental institution in Scotland. This isn't a subject for comedy, you know. Yes, it is. Do you remember who you manage? I didn't even know

they still do around the world tickets. That's why you had to end up traveling. What's that noise behind me? Hey, shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ. This is fucking professional broadcasting here. So you had to do an around the world

ticket. To first see your mother. First see my mother. Then see a friend in Barcelona, and then... Back up. Friend. This is not something... Hey, Joby, fight down. You guys zip it, get the fuck out.

Sorry, you're bothering Mr. Hennigan. I'll be right back. Chad Shank has to take out the trash. That should be a sponsored part of the podcast. Brought to you by Hefty Bags. You are obliged. I don't know how deep you want to go into it. Well, your mother.

Well, I think anybody's obliged if their mother's in some form of mental institution to visit them. Just that my mother's a fair way away. So it takes more effort. So there. So therefore, did she recognize you? Yes. You know, brought a smile to her face.

It's very difficult going into like a locked mental ward. It's not exactly a barrel of fun. You'd have to into like a locked mental ward. It's not exactly, you know, a barrel. You'd have to be in a locked mental ward for Brian Hennigan's appearance to bring a smile to your face. And that leads us to Barcelona. I think I'm sure I've said this before, And that leads us to Barcelona. Oh, yeah.

I think I'm sure I've said this before, but early in our career, Brian Hennigan, when we were on the road together in the UK touring, when he'd get a phone call, he'd go in the other room as he always does because he's very secretive. But then he'd come out and I go, what's it about? Because I knew that it was about me because he no one ever called him that was personal it was always business and i'm his only client so i knew it's always business so when you say things like i went to visit a friend uh-huh i'm thinking like if it was thailand and you said that i'm going oh he's fucking kids but barcelona who's your friend in barcelona it was the lesbian girl from Nicaragua. Oh.

She's Belgian, so it's easy to meet in Barcelona. Oh. Yeah. The Belgian lesbian from Nicaragua? Brian Hennigan showed what seemed to be an emotion towards this girl. Uh-huh. Well, she's very nice. And she's a lesbian.

He couldn't have her, so he developed an emotion like a tumor that he goes occasionally will still go to have treated in places like Barcelona. There are worse places to have your tumor treated. Like an alien, he thought he would try feelings out for a while and see how it went. It's somebody completely safe. That's very funny, Brian. Thanks, Brian Emigan.

People say you're not funny, but I can show them that. People are idiots. I know. Anyway, so then I went on to... I met you in Brisbane. Singapore, where you got a... No, Brisbane...

You had to change planes. That's where you got me those shitty cigarettes, which I thank God you got me. Yeah. And then I went on to... I met you in Brisbane at the lovely, lovely apartment. So we do the tour and Brian has added on, because you- Around the world ticket.

Around the world ticket, you have like 22. I mean, it's an underrated form of travel, you know, in the sense that for basically the same price, you can have like 26. This is a very good advert for Star Alliance. You can basically have 26, 28 stops as long as you keep going more or less in the one direction. So they'll give you wiggle room so that when you get into the whole Pacific arena,

you can kind of double back a little bit and go to Tonga or Samoa or whatever. So I'd literally got to the, I was booking the round the world ticket you can kind of double back a little bit and go to Tonga or Samoa or whatever. Yeah. So I'd literally got to the – I was booking the round-the-world ticket. And, you know, Doug and I talk about travel a lot. We don't have much else to talk about. We're kind of sad. But Ryan does what I do with drunk purchases on eBay and Amazon.

He does with drunk travel where he'll wake up and, oh, fuck, I'm spending – I remember booking the tonga bit of the of the round the world ticket and then going oh really i really ought to look into this tonga place and uh and uh but you know but i've done enough i've done enough scottish research because we dug it already found out that tahiti and fiji were prohibitively expensive i'm not going there so uh so tonga i knew they're kind of friendly because they play rugby and you can kind of trust people that play rugby.

Always a barometer us travelers use. That's something you can say that you know nobody else at the table who's American can test. Is that true? Trust a rugby player? I guess so. Keep going. Never had one fuck me over.

Yeah, exactly. So we turned up in Tonga and the good thing is you go here's the research i went to the wikipedia page and it says they are trying to develop a tourist industry tourism industry that's right yes you don't want to go to a place that has a tourism industry right you want to go to a place that's developing one yeah when you went to nicaragua last year yeah so what you're saying is you don't want a tired old comedian as a client you want a young up-and-coming comedian who's hungry for comedy yeah that's right yeah but who looks young though sorry oh uh yeah yeah so um uh that's what in Tonga was. You booked it originally for. Yeah, I booked it originally for like,

I was coming as you like for like five or 10 days after the, I was going to Tonga for 10 days. We closed the tour in Auckland, New Zealand, and you were going to go straight there for 10 days. Yeah. And then you, in the meantime, attached the, you know, we're done. Oh yeah.

I announced my retirement. So you went, fuck it. I'll stay for a month. I said to you, wased the you know we're done oh yeah now it's my retirement so you went fuck it i'll stay for a month i said to you was there you know if that if this is the end there's no i can just stay for three weeks can't i and uh you said yeah so i just stayed in tonga for three weeks and bounced around bounced around i mean it I mean, it is the stereotypical island paradise you always imagine going to when you think of the term island paradise. The people of Tonga are enormously friendly. Enormous and friendly. Yeah, because it's a fairly – it's not fairly.

It's a conservative religious country. So they have a mix of... Not beheading religious. No, no, no. The religions, the religious people, we know how to deal with Christians. Shame religious. Yeah, yeah. But they also have, there's a fair degree of... Abstinence

religious. Yeah, there's a lot of Mormons as well. But here's the thing, having been there for a while though you can tell that the that uh the tongans are fairly astute in the sense that they know how to play the religions yeah so oh you're gonna build us a school get to it exactly we were into this village at one point and the uh the throughout the village were these self-contained solar units that had batteries in them that provided illumination and electricity for the entire village.

Every one of them had a plaque from the Japanese government which had donated them to Tonga, every village in Tonga. Then the water supply had a big plaque on it saying supplied by the United States government. And then the school had been built by the European Union. So the Tongans are pretty astute. I have a tattoo that says brought to you by Sabra Hummus

right on my tailbone like a tramp stamp. It's interesting. They basically treat the whole world like they treat, because like provenance, or not provenance, produce simply falls on their lap. Like, there's coconuts and pineapples and fruit everywhere. Yeah, you were saying, like, a restaurant ran out of papaya, and they just go, hey, we're out of papaya,

so someone ran to their house and grabbed some, because they're just everywhere, grabbed them out of the backyard. There is, you know, great fruit and produce growing everywhere in Tonga, and it's freely available. They don't begrudge,, and it's freely available. They don't begrudge it. It's not like you're driving down the road, and you stop to pick up a papaya, and someone's going to,

hey, hey, that's my papaya. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, of course you'd take it. Yeah, it sounds like a great place to do my own personal rehab that I always talk about doing. I would definitely recommend it. Because he said there's not a lot of fun there. No, like the capital, New Alofa, which it took me ages to learn how to say because it's got a couple of apostrophes in there.

New Alofa, the capital. I mean, it would make Bisbee look like, you know, real. It's a place that doesn't- And that's where you fly into. That's where you fly into. And it's great because I flew in and I was on... Let me just go to my little story. So I get on this Air New Zealand flight

from Tonga... Sorry, from Auckland to Tonga. And the... I'm in row two because I paid for it. And... You don't have to apologize for first class for it. And I don't have to apologize for first class.

Yeah. And there's like, it's not like you do anything else with your life that you, that's right. It's like, you don't go out and have fun or pick up a tab. You might as well use that money. No,

I know. I know. I know. Do pick up tabs. I've got, I'm not overcompensating. I'm picking up tabs that aren't even ours, you know, because you've guilted me into it they um but i've never i never i've never had a

prostitute for example i've never paid money that type of way so you used all your hooker money to fly road to non-stop auckland to tonga i've never bought cocaine or anything so um so uh why did you look at me when you said that? Do you think I'm going to sell you something? No, I just That's the way we write things It's just the way that your body naturally moves When you think of

People who are ruined by cocaine You sort of look at Somebody who's leaving Peoria At age 47 47 Anyway anyway so shush you did the research I know so the point is so and then am I really 47 I don't know you don't have a Wikipedia page is the way to find out so the plane at some point you notice that on the plane, there's a slight change in what they're saying

on the sort of ladies and gentlemen. And it's at some point the announcement is, your majesties, your excellence. And I'm thinking, are they taking the piss? Are they like mocking us now? Is this what's like, is this some sort of jape on behalf of the air crew that have had one too many and they're just referring to their guests as majesties now?

And no, I called over a steward person and I said, what? And he said, roll one, that's the king and queen, Tonga. And like Tonga. Right in front of you? Yes, yes. I've got a picture which I'll send to Chile. You can put it up because I want it to be surreptitious because you don't want to...

That means secretive for my listeners. Tongans are fucking massive. They are good at rugby for a reason. There's a few... I mean, they're Polynesians, so there's a few of them that actually play in the NFL and different guys. And they are fucking, you would not fuck

with them. And therefore, you don't want to be caught photographing the king and queen who are kind of like deities on some respect. You don't want to steal their soul with your newfangled Western Ghostbusters equipment. Also because the stewards

said that guy behind them, that's their bodyguard singular. Western Ghostbusters equipment. And also because the stewards said, that guy behind them, that's their bodyguard, singular. But unlike other Tongans, he was very svelte, and therefore you realized he must be very fucking handy. He's carrying a gun. He's somebody who could probably just beat you up

with his eyebrows. But I did take a picture for that, because I knew the listeners of the Doug Stanhope podcast would like to see the back of the heads up with his eyebrows you know so but i did i did i did take a picture for that because i knew that this was the the the listeners of the doug stanhope podcast would like to see the back of the heads of uh the king and queen of tonga and i also did you put your knees into their seat back a lot did you do like bingo where you put the tray down and then take a bouncy nap on it and watch the person in front but i did i did i did get a tape of i played a post record

when they were about to do the next announcement so you can actually hear air new zealand that's this is what they say they say your majesties and your excellence if there's somebody on the plane do you want me to play it you know what you play it and then we'll have uh shaley actually download it so it's good quality that's right for the listener but for us so we can comment on it here we go your majesty your excellency ladies and gentlemen a very warm welcome to tonga for your safety you must remain seated that's almost like proof yeah and and and then when then now you've gone and done it the whole flight um nobody who was a Tongan would go and use, including people who were in first class,

would go and use the bathroom that the king and queen were using. No one would or no one could. No, they wouldn't. It was like the king said, nobody will, they will all refuse to use it because they will recognize that that is only for the king and queen even the New Zealand people no no no people like me

had already taken a poop I knew that I only got told of that afterwards and I think out of respect I might have gone along with it but by that time I'd already smeared the bowl so I wasn't going to go back so yeah if i were drinking on that flight see that's where i was very glad because at one point you were talking about coming with me to tonga and literally on that flight i thought oh my god if this if you were here right now and the the king and queen this could be a

real diplomatic incident because we'd be flying into tonga they just point at you as you got off the plane and then you'd be taken off to tongan prison or it could be the opposite of that where doug becomes the tongan comedian of all time and just goes back and lives there yeah it just stays there funnily enough that wouldn't happen because i went to see a comedy show in tonga oh jesus Jesus, you told me about that, but I told you to save it for the podcast. And so I'm staying in this fantastic place. And normally I wouldn't endorse something on air that I wanted to use again because I wanted to keep it secret.

The Tonga funny bone, though. No, the blue banana resort in fucking Tonga is the dog's bollocks i mean that is the it's the mutts nuts it's the cat's gnats it's everything oh look i said something so funny hang on brett had a hernia it's all right everything's I'm just pausing. Yeah. I just have one cigarette in here. Just one. Thanks. So the Australian people that own the Blue Banana Resort in Tonga, which is fantastic, one day the lady said to me, there's a comedy show in town tonight.

By that time, I'd had to let on that I somehow wasn't involved with comedy. And obviously, without mentioning you, because then Google you and find out this isn't comedy. It's uh all this obviously without mentioning you because then google you and find out this isn't comedy it's drunken hate speech as you used to say anyway so um uh i said really and they said i said what is it it's called it's it's the laughing simones i went okay how much got a paper the room. Yeah. Anyway, there was no paper in the room. They had the biggest venue in the town, which must have been about

one and a half thousand. Every fucking seat sold. And she got tickets because she called ahead to her friend type thing. And it was like watching the birth of humor in a culture. Because this was, again, it was like watching the birth of humor in a in a culture because this was again it was just exceedingly basic like one guy was sitting there the opening band is playing rocks with

sticks you know what i mean smoke on the water opening band smashing one guy in the toe with a rock and laughing at him. One of the opening bands was actually just like the best hip hop dancers in Tonga dancing to music in a way that you'd get thrown off the streets in downtown LA if you tried it, because it was so bad. You know, it was just really embarrassing. First break dancer. Yeah, but again again when you see

innocent fun you don't want to be a mock like like there was something it's just very innocent right these aren't these aren't people that have seen john stewart you know what i mean like there was a great naivety to it and the laughing tongans when they sorry they're laughing some ones if i if we ever saw anyone laugh in costa rica that was a tico a native you'd go whether what what finally made them laugh like laughter in some cultures like yeah yeah i don't care what you're laughing at i just want to see you smile oh so yeah i would i would enjoy a tongue tell us about the and and it was just, you know, it would be a setup. There was one guy who was...

And this is in Pigeon English. Pigeon English. But clearly understandable English. I mean, it wasn't like it was... It wasn't like true Pigeon where you literally don't realize it is English. And so one of the guys was kind of dressed up like a woman.

It's amazing how universal that is as a beginning into comedy type thing. Monty Python. Yeah. And the other guy was like the straight guy and he'd be. Buzz and Buddies too. That's a great influence. Go ahead. Yeah.

The other guy was like doing like they did a sort of like one guy was giving a news report and he cut to the reporter in the field which is the fucking female guy and that's basically what they did for 15 minutes before I said okay I've got enough I'm leaving and uh can you remember a joke? it was

like I can but I really don't think it's worth telling why don't you try it and then Chaley can cut it out So there's It was basically Like the

The straight guy said to the Reporter in the field So you're speaking to a policeman after the incident Because they're talking about a car crash That they set up And did the policeman Give you a number to a policeman after the incident, because they're talking about a car crash that they set up, and the policeman gives you a number for

the number for the casualties involved. And the reporter in the field said, nobody is very good looking, so I got his number. Oh! And roars from the audience.

It was like a laugh inferno the place that's what it should have been called the place erupted they could it was it was it was just joyous because you couldn't believe because you were taken away i was carried away by how much they were laughing at this and And they fucking loved it. I think I get two 1960s joke books for Christmas, like as gag gifts. And Bingo loves the stupid, goofy pun jokes. One of them was for me, I think. But the idea that we could take one of those books and go to Tonga as producers,

like what was the Woody, the Warren Woody Allen? No, Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman. Oh, fuck that terrible film. Single Woman's Name. With an I. Yeah. Ishtar. Ishtar. Boom! For the win! I was going to say Ishmael. Brett Merrickson.

Brett Merrickson? Brett Merrickson. We could go as producers of Tongan comedy. David Tribble probably books a room there. It's probably too lucrative. I mean, this place was mobbed. It must have been a one and a half thousand. Tribble's got the room in Tonga, but you don't get paid until you get to Samoa.

The end of the gig. And you have to double back to French Polynesia. You don't get paid until the last gig. Otherwise, you won't do them all. Yeah. You get paid in papaya. that was um that was pretty much and you know it was it was enjoyable just to experience that type of naive like naive comedy it's not insulting to call it that yeah i get a lot of phone calls from you which uh when you're you know you're not one to uh call just

to chat no but uh yeah i could tell you're bored out of your tit a chat. No, I'm not. I could tell you're bored out of your tid a lot. I mean, a lot of it was kind of, there was an abortive kayak trip for eight days, which I'll go into maybe later, not on this podcast, because there's issues. Pending charges. Pending charges.

But that was, I mean. The honest credit card is charges. But here's little things that make Tonga brilliant. You know how annoying it is when you go to uh like an underdeveloped or developing or third world country or however you care to categorize them and people say you go to the market you have to bargain for everything tonga has like native markets but there's no bargaining i fucking hate that when you go when you go like oh you have to like no just tell me what the price is. And they're very basic. Everything in the market in Tonga is always $3.

And all that changes from month to month or week to week is how much you get for those $3. So if it's tomatoes. If it's tomatoes in season, you get a fucking sack load. If they're not in season, you might get one. And it's like, how simple is that? Either way, it's $3. Either way, it's $3. It that either way it's three bucks it puts the either way it's three bucks it puts the math on the uh the guy supplying the product that's great that's

fantastic it was really you know that type of thing is really fun where are you going next uh back to la we're still debating uh well the whole super bowl thing but not the Super Bowl party here is officially canceled. I want to enjoy one once. And seeing who made the playoffs, my chances are like 2 out of 12 of having a team that I would like in the Super Bowl. So we're debating on where to go for Super Bowl if we don't do it here. If the Cardinals make it, maybe we call an audible and we do a smaller party here. That's not going to happen. What are the options? What are you thinking right now? Costa Rica just because it's familiar.

Caribbean, I want to go to Maho Beach. I probably talked about it before where the airplanes fly almost at your fucking head. The end of the runway is right at the beach. Jumbo jets are going right over, and I think that would be fantastic. There's YouTube clips.

M-A-H-O. Look up Maho Beach on YouTube and imagine how fun that would be on the beach to have a plane almost fucking touching your scalp as you sunbathe. maybe if we if we want to go cheap and easy maybe we go to florida to our favorite place down there at treasure island where you're going brett erickson plug your gig uh belushi's at uh fort myers uh yeah the 15th through the 17th january up by that oh yeah yeah so yeah go see uh erickson he's uh actually one of my favorite comics. Yeah. Aw. He's not fucking staying at my house for no reason. And producing the podcast and running the Stanhope store. Yeah.

Come back, Greg. I just fucking Chaley. Chaley talked to you. God damn it. That's not my business. So much merch. Has he sent you down to the market with the magic beans yet? Merch. Everyone I've put my stamp of approval on, you see where they've gone.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to decide if that's a joke or not. Yes, it is sarcastic. I think Junior is my last hope other than you. Unless Andy gets molested again. He's very cute. There's actually a pretty good chance of that.

Okay, so those are the options. I want to go to, not for Super Bowl, but in season, I want to go to Gibraltar. Really? Why? Just because it's weird. All right. You can shoot Irish people for free. Is that a true story, Brian?

Yeah, it is. You're making up fibs on the podcast. No, no, no. Very famous bit of SAS assassination. It's part of Spain, but it's English rule. Yeah, yeah. It's a little peninsula. Very rocky.

Don't say things like it's part of Spain. Well, it's attached to... It's attached to Spain. Yeah, it should fucking... There should be a revolution. I'm not against going over and drinking some local beer and starting that. But yeah,

don't need a visa. No, you're... Oh, yeah. If you're not working, which you're not, because you're retired. I'm pretty retired. Yeah. Here's my retirement plan so far. Hold on. I have a list of shit that I go.

Maybe I'll try that. Maybe I'll try this. So far, it's been nothing but drunken Netflix on the couch. But you need a month of that to work your way into retirement. But I got the new material is worked out uh the uk which i dread and uh europe europe are the only places i haven't burned it out pretty much if i if you have an idea out there i need to i need to film this i need to put this out and it's a matter of the only place in the states that we have gone over and missed that's a usual

major city major city that i want to go to where i could film it is minneapolis uh and we didn't go to minneapolis because the place that we've played there, like when you play a place and you sell it out and you know my audience drinks the fuck out of any, I'll put my audience up against anyone. And we know it's true. Person for person that I bet I triple the fucking next guy in alcohol sales. And the venues that we work with that are, that we work with regular basis. They tell us how much your audience is drinking. They're like fucking awestruck. Yeah. When we were,

when we were in Australia, Brian would warn them ahead of time. And then you'd have people like running out in the middle of the show in panics. Cause they're out of beer before the fucking opening act is off. 800 seat Greek wedding venues were running out of alcohol.

You know, I mean, it's... So, yeah. A venue that you know you've kicked the shit out of in a good way tries to come back with a worse deal in Minneapolis and start finger-fucking you about details and you're already, I think that

place was already like a ticket mastery kind of place. They're already charging a fee and now you're giving us a worse deal. So we need to find a good Minneapolis venue. And I think I might have one but the point is we're always open to hearing from people. Yeah. But please. Where does Garrison Keillor play?

He plays Lake Woopagon. Well, that's perfect. I'm trying to think of of a place I haven't played in the last year. We're going on a year and a half since I started working this set out. There are. The first four or five months don't count. Actually, Houston. Houston I played recently. No, not that really.

No. I'll have to look it up. I've kept track. There's actually Houston and Dallas. No, not that really. No, I'll have to look it up. I've kept track. There's actually Houston. Here's the major thing. Get on the fucking mailing list of my website because Twitter, maybe you see it. If you're on the mailing list, you'll know you play a town and, you know, word spreads. Your name is out there.

And after you play a town, invariably you get four or five emails hey when are you coming to st louis because you were just in st louis and they probably overheard your name somewhere i was just there fucking eight days ago you fucking asshole get on the mailing list it's a quick and easy yeah it's always good when they preface it with i'm your biggest fan yeah yeah that's that's usually that's the guy that's being roughly escorted out of the building preface it with, I'm your biggest fan. Yeah. Usually that's the guy that's being roughly escorted out of the building. I'm your biggest

fan! Fuck, I drove all the way from to yell at you and ask you questions during your show. I drove all the way from to yell at you. That's a great town, to yell at you. That's a great town. I love that.

That was the blank fill in the blank. No, I like it. I think there are many comedy audience members who come from to yell at you America to the show. It's an Indian reservation. Brett, you don't understand. They're helping the gig. I know. They're doing their best to help you out. Yeah.

That's the art of comedy. Don't you know that? I've been there. Okay. I saw a tampon get thrown at him. Really? A couple of weeks ago. Oh, yeah.

Was that in Safeway? No, no. That was at Peoria. That was the Peoria show. Yeah, why don't you listen to the podcast? Oh, I listen to all the podcasts. Do you? Yeah.

Do you? Do you hear them or do you just listen? I listen to every... I listen to all the ones Doug listens to. I listen to like three. I listen to James... No, no, no. I did listen to that one.

You threw me by saying a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago we did the podcast. Oh, I see. Once. Who gives a fuck? Does anyone really know what time it is does anybody really care

there's somebody else at the table you know there's no room for me in this conversation that was like that was like the Chad Shank will be here for the Super Bowl party just to throw out the people who don't listen to the podcast

or don't listen to my tweets and want to show up out of the blue uninvited, and he will be the only person you meet and is your worst fucking nightmare. We should put up a thing or site, Lime Stars Here, and just see who stands there. Just then when you said that, there's someone else at the table here. That was like the typical comedy audience member who you're talking to who is like, oh, it's Cheryl's birthday. Don't talk to me.

I see where you're going with that. It just came out all stumbly. Chad Shank and I on Christmas. That's my thing. Stumbly comedy? That's what you're going into L.A. with? Yeah. Stumbly comedy?

I just have dumb interjections. I know when it's good to just let other people talk about good stuff. We've been watching, well, playoffs start this weekend, but we've been watching football as it winds up, and we were, Chad was over. Oh, that wasn't even football. That was Christmas. Oh, was it Christmas?

I think it was Christmas. It's been a whole, there was this think it was Christmas. There was this whole series of football. There was Thursday night football, then there was Saturday football, then there was Sunday football, then Monday night football. There was a Tuesday night. That was last year or two years

ago. There was Tuesday night football when Minneapolis' dome collapsed. This is just going into Christmas. There were four out of. This is just going into Christmas. There were four out of five days of football going into Christmas Eve on the Wednesday and Christmas Day on Thursday. That's a lot of drinking is my point. So whatever the day was, it had to be football because we had the massage therapist here. It was Christmas because I missed last football.

It was Christmas, I believe. Maybe we just had the massage lady here without football. Maybe she just made it seem like Christmas. During football, we found a great massage therapist through Gretchen Bear, at Gretchen Bear. She's a local artist at Plug B-A-E-R, I think. Oh, fucking cocktails. I love you so much, Kerry Mitchell.

Thank you very much. Even though you guys get all the packages, they all come to 212 van dyke and as i implore you always we love packages especially bingo even if it's something you just stole from work and shipped on their dime so it's christmas i'm getting all these packages but everyone's staying here now the chalice are here. Hannigan's coming. Brett Erickson, Kerry Mitchell. So every day, postman, I got to go out to the gate and fucking grab whatever it is. UPS, FedEx, three times a day.

I got to run out and get in all these boxes and fucking none of them. But the funniest one was that you had to bring in all the mailing. Chaley has all the like the packaging he ordered he ordered to do merch, to sell merch. So this is like an 80-pound giant crate of cardboard boxes. And I'm fucking sitting there with fucking two hernias and no help trying to fucking. I had to unpack it and bring it piecemeal down to the other fucking house. Everyone, Chaley's out of town and i get nothing over and over again i got one christmas card once and it said doug stanhope and i'm like oh finally something for me for christmas and then i look at the bottom and it says care of

brett erickson and kerry mitchell just you just put it to my name my mom sent me a christmas card and i kept telling her just you know address it to brett erickson sent me a Christmas card, and I kept telling her, just address it to Brett Erickson at 212 Van Dyke. It's fine. It'll get there. But she knows that's not where I actually am, and she's from the Midwest. So she's just convinced that won't work. Exactly.

So she addresses it to Doug Stanhope. Attention, Brett Erickson at the bottom. Thanks, Mom. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. What the fuck was I talking about? I knew if I stopped talking about it and started. The masseuse.

Okay, yeah. So we find this, thank you, Hack Oddity. We find this masseuse that works really cheap and she's really good. She's very good. And if you want to set up a black knob the house is attached this is the suicide house and it attaches to the van dyke house so we just she sets up in here all day during football and people will come down and get a massage during a game they hate or when their team is losing and she'll just work all day out of the house and she's fucking great and it was whatever night it

was football she is a great masseuse whatever it was football she came up and she's not a drinker she's very holistic and i had to like woodshed her about listen i'm not into that whole you know take this journey and i want you to bring yourself and you know shocker shit. I said, if I could have a flat screen TV on the floor facing up into the face mask, I'd be watching football while you do this. I just want you to rub me. Why isn't that more relaxing, by the way? Why can't you ever do that in a masseuse place? Hey, can I watch TV? Yeah.

Like, yeah. What is the sport clips? I've been to those places. It's great. You don't have to make up chatter with the fucking lady cutting your hair. She doesn't care about you. Yeah. I'm going to'm gonna watch a game hey why can't i get sponsored but i'm gonna fucking start a franchise it's gonna be porn clips it's just we just watch porn you just leave me alone anyway uh so but it was the first time she hung out late and we're hammered and she just went so fucking weird on us.

Beyond him. That was the first time I was in business. I remember looking at staff and I was like, this got really fucking weird. Didn't she's all holistic. Uh, but she's also like, I remember she's trying to tell me jokes cause she thought about doing comedy once, but the quote, I remember she's trying to tell me jokes because she thought about doing comedy once. But the quote, I'm not funny, though. So I'm fishing for a compliment.

Yes, you are. No, she wasn't. She was. No, of course not. Openly that she was like, why would you want to do that? Well, she wants to become she wants to learn how to be funny because it's not one of her traits. So deficient in that area. Her comedy chakras are not in line.

Whatever. It turned into me, Chad Shank, and Reverend Derek, our fucking house potato. Beautiful man. House potato. In the UK, we'd call that spud you like

spuds mckenzie just us and her vaguely sober i think she had a couple of drinks gretchen said i think maybe she's allergic to alcohol because they had brought it wait you kerry mitchell you want to tell the story Because you went out to see a band with her. So, yeah, this was before. Yeah. Yeah, this was definitely Christmas. Massages are done. Christmas night, right?

Okay, so it was Christmas. It wasn't football. Either one. It doesn't matter. The night is over. They decide to go out to see a band with wacky massage lady. We went to go see, I think it was Melissa Reeves. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Melissa's great. She was fantastic. And it was a super fun show that started off awkwardly and ended the same with Miss. The massage lady. Because home slice. Let's not use her name because she does give a fantastic massage. Okay, that one. We'll say home skillet. I looked to my left and there's someone like jelly rolling

floundering on the ground mind you in the aisle Melissa Reeve is kind of like what's her like a Janis Joplin yeah Janis Joplin there's a lot of scatting it's not something that you do the worm to

no unless you're a free spirit all right you're even a nice potato right and here's home skillet frying on the floor on the aisle in the church-like place yeah bingo not to an embarrassing level because she's bingo she can pull off cute when she's weird and insane but you go you don't want to be bigger than the show as an audience member. And evidently, she made the show about her. She's just helping the show.

Like someone speaking in tongues too much at the revival. You're taken away from the preacher lady, all right? You're healed. We get it. Wow. The spirit is talking to you. So cut back to your first night with her chad shank well yes yeah after that they come back where she got she got filled with the spirit at the church at the melissa reeves show and then

came back here to give chad a blue back of the spirit yes no not me all right at that point back here it was probably just me chad and and Reverend Derek talking about how to kill a lot of people at once. Too drunk, should have been in bed already. Our regular late night. She comes back and she just was, again, they're warped memories. I remember she kept telling Chad and I to fuck in front of her repeatedly. Like, no, no, you guys, I want to see you fuck. She didn't want you to fuck repeatedly.

She kept telling you repeatedly to fuck. There's a difference. Oh, thank you. Well, there's a slight difference in weirdness. Yeah, a little house in the prairie teacher. It's weird. Even Reverend Derek got left out of that. Can I get any play

in this thing? And then, Derek, I want you to clean up after it's over. Ha ha ha! Then she took off her shirt. Topless, slapping her bags around. And she's a lesbian

too on top of it. But she's a third too on top of it but she's a she's a uh third base softball lesbian you know not a hot yeah yeah i think i feel i remember like you said there's just moments that i remember and i remember feeling kind of like a dick because when she took off her shirt i looked at stanhope and shrugged and i was like well they're female and i was like, well, they're female. And I was like, oh, that was a fucking dick thing to say right in front of her. Is this podcast worth not getting a massage again? I don't know.

I don't think she listens to podcasts. At one point, she probably listens to Gretchen, though. I usually don't get a massage because i'm too lazy to shower uh-huh so i'll usually there's enough people by the end of the day she's done six or seven people and she's gonna be tired and she's like no just lay down on the floor i'll just adjust you really quick and she gives a fuck of a massage so i I had to get Chad Shank. Before you judge her for her weirdness, and Chad Shank got on the floor, and he's a big fucking dude. And she's getting fucking elbows into him.

Oh, yeah. She's hurt. I was sore the next day. I had to try to remember why the fuck I was so sore. What the fuck happened to me over there? Yeah, she's badass. Did I fuck Doug Stanhope repeatedly? I remember repeatedly being told to fuck Stanhope in the butt. Doug Stanhope repeatedly? I remember repeatedly

being told to fuck Stanhope in the butt. I'm not sure if I did or not. She was by the other night and she came by the next day and she's been just as weird since. So it's not like she was on substances and she's all holistic.

The top is down. She's that weird. And you know what? If you can fucking give that good a massage for a buck a minute, you'd be as fucking weird as you want every football Sunday. Yeah. Not that weird. She's learning

to take a break. I stayed too long. When we were in Australia, at one point i i had a massage at this place and it was the worst massage of my entire life it was like being poked by a fucking angry kitten and it was at one point i stopped i said listen can you be much firmer i mean much firmer than this. And she said, no,

she was, no, she went, there's this voice that told you this was not going to get better. She went, okay. I, I,

I, you know, there's not, so you can't, that's what you said. Yeah. That, uh,

uh, I lost my, uh, the palsy piano finger. Yeah, exactly. I guess the norm Wilkerson was doing it and he wasn't putting any back into I lost my palsy piano finger massage. Yeah, exactly. Norm Wilkerson was doing it, and he wasn't putting any back into it.

I'm just going to touch your skin. So that's the whole point. I've had a massage. She is brilliant. I fuck with her. She's gotten to a point where you can. I told her her music is shitty. That should be a genre of music. It's massage music. It's fucking terrible.

I don't mind Enya. He doesn't mind a little Enya when he gets a massage. But she plays fucking plinky plonky jazz. Well, I got her to play some swing band shit. Oh, she is on the plinky plonky. She was playing some stuff that would only be sold at a massage place. she is on the plinky plonky. She was playing some stuff that would only be sold. She's on the plinky plonky. Yeah.

Yeah. It's relaxation. You go, this is not relaxing. No, it's intense and anger. Oh, my God. I actually tried to remember the name as I was walking out of here. I saw the CD so I could tweet that guy and say, you just ruined my massage.

Your fucking music is so bad. What was I going to say? Oh, fucking Reiki. That was my favorite fucking part of the thing. She's a Reiki person. And we don't mean she gathers leaves. Yike!

I just I don't remember the lines I remember it great because I was fucking on the side of it and you baited her in with fucking all about Reiki and you know oh it's the movement of energy and it helps to heal you and she was doing her whole

sales bitch she wanted to do Reiki on you or somebody and it helps to heal you. And she was doing her whole sales pitch. Oh, that's right. She wanted to do Reiki on you or somebody. And she goes, can I do some Reiki on you? And it's just a movement of energy. I don't even have to touch you. And I go, then why would you have to ask? Oh!

Zing! Why would you just give them Reiki without them knowing? And she goes, well, it doesn't work if they don't accept it. They have to. Oh, okay, okay. So it would be Reiki rape them knowing. She goes, well, it doesn't work if they don't accept it. They have to. So it would be Reiki Reiki. So if they don't say yes, it's Reiki Reiki. Reiki Reiki. That's not even the one I was talking about.

Oh. What you talking about? The funny one was whenever you were talking to her about it, and she was like, oh, yeah, it's a movement of energy. It heals everything. And Floyd was right there. And immediately on the heels of her sales pitch, you turned around and said, we'll give some to Floyd because he has ass cancer.

Floyd was just diagnosed with ass cancer. So I'm like, all right, Reiki is ass cancer. Fucking shit. And it just stopped. Yeah, by the way, Floyd. It's not that effective on ass cancer. Fucking shit. And it just stopped. Yeah, by the way, Float. Oh, wait. It's not that effective on ass cancer. It doesn't work on that. Float.

Well, wait a minute. It's kind of a gray area in that. But then she walked over to Floyd to give him, well, here's some aromatherapy. And she was trying to show him aromatherapy, and Floyd turns and deadpans her. How is that on ass cancer? We don't want to lose Floyd,

because he's an important cast member. He's like our Charles Bukowski lookalike. He is a Bukowski lookalike. He's always smiling, even with ass cancer. He had to stop drinking. He is very much like that town drunk from the one show. Andy show. The Andy Griffith.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The Otis. Okay, yeah.is He operates the lifts Just comes over, goes right to the plastic jug Has a glass, has a smile Tells a dumb joke He's fucking fantastic And then he stopped drinking immediately with the ass cancer

But still, big smile on his face But you know This guy's like a hardcore drunk And to sit there watching football that's boring anyway, it's an excuse to drink. And he's just sitting there hammering cranberry juice. Can he do the smoking shit? The marijuana stuff?

He could. I don't want to get into personal shit. All right. All right. Yeah. Somebody told him the other day. Hey, I just want to say, people, say a prayer for Floyd's ass cancer. If we could just all pray.

We're all holding hands around the podcast table. Join us. You know what? Maybe if you go online and buy a 1950s beer tin from his eBay Emporium, that'd be more helpful. Yeah, I wish I knew his eBay name. I'd plug that. That's true. What's it called? It's Merchants and Miners is the name be more helpful. Yeah, I wish I knew his eBay name. I'd plug that. Yeah, that's true.

What's it called? It's Merchants and Miners is the name of his shop. Well, find it. So you know what? Yeah, fucking Google Merchants and Miners antique shop in Bisbee. Call up and say, Hey, Floyd, how's your ass cancer?

Never mind. What's your eBay name? I'll buy some shit from you and support your ass cancer i the thought of him dying when i thought if you've been into his shop he used to have an antique shop in denver called dead people's things which i thought is that he's not the greatest he's a really fun guy his shop is like, it's three stories and like probably at least 15 different rooms.

You just, you literally get lost in there. There's like the catacombs in the basement. The catacombs in the basement, right? There's like three layers. And I'd been coming here for like two years before I discovered the catacombs in the basement. And the only thing that's bad about it is

when you go into the basement of Floyd's shop in Bisbee to find things, it's entirely uncategorized down there. It's not even a yard sale. It's just stuff. It is genuinely like going into the basement at the end of Silence of the Lambs. Because you feel that at any point

somebody's about to attack you and there's not enough light. But there's also – They're wearing night vision goggles and they can't use – But there's also some very interesting vinyl down there. So it's worth it. But if he were to pass, die from ass cancer, all I could think of is my mother was a hoarder,

but she lived in 350 square feet whoever would have to go through all of that shit at miners and merchants or merchants and miners and merchants antique center you can find it on yelp and uh i'm pretty sure you can that's how you find it on ebay and they've got a shitload of interesting stuff. And you can help stop. Floyd's awesome. That's right. Yeah. He has a,

like he'll find stuff. He knows. I like half of the coolest shit in my house and stuff. He just brought over. I thought you'd like this joke phone. I get an old 70s truck stop thing where you put a quarter in. It's a telephone and it'll tell you a recorded joke. It doesn't work, but it looks cool as shit on your wall.

and it'll tell you a recorded joke. It doesn't work, but it looks cool as shit on your wall. He fucking gave me old-school amyl nitrates from the 20s. When they were legal, you'd sell them for whatever reason. We could have used those when the chick wanted us to fuck the other night. If we're going to fuck repeatedly, I could use some amyl nitrates. Amyl nitrate. All right, let me check my thing. I got to piss.

Boo, boo, boo. So, yeah, we probably do Europe. Yeah, let's face it. And UK. UK and Europe, we're going to boot. Yeah, I can't fucking. I'm not starting another fucking, working on another new set till i get this recorded and we've we're waffling on how to do that recording i want to do something weirder with it and by the way we always we always welcome ideas we're very we're very open source here yeah hey i read your fucking emails i just don't get

back to it and also but the thing is we do like detail so hey record it in this continent isn't detail occasionally i go on facebook and i see how asia's good yeah you know if you're going to come to us with a proposal have detail oh yeah yeah don't just go play woody's place yeah there's a great town here in Inglewood. Ingleshing. I drink there all the time. Yeah. I can get at least 10 people in. Yeah. Oh, shit. I fucking wanted to mention that.

But yes, I do read your emails at Doug at DougStanhope.com. Occasionally, I will go to Facebook when I'm bored and see how many people have ignored your advice. Where it says right on my facebook page do not email me at facebook i don't check them email me here and there's a fucking thousand emails they probably think that's a filter of some sort yeah occasionally i'll look at how many there are that's something else that isn't worth pointing out on the website there's a there's a there are two forms there's one for business there's one for to reach doug both of those work impeccably if you send

something to reach doug it gets to doug yes if you send something about business it gets to me and doug i will only respond to it or doug will only respond to it, if it's in the for business pile, if it's about fucking business. Okay? What a stickler. Jesus. Well, then I just let you deal with it. Yeah. But the point is, yes, I don't get back to your emails often enough.

Now that I'm retired for a while, I'll probably get bored and send some drunk returns if it's important if you're gonna kill yourself whatever i can't get all i can't if you're gonna kill yourself don't email anyone hoping they stop you yeah yeah maybe contact them directly kill themselves this year they want me to read their eulogy so that's cool i would be into that yeah i still get a lot of suicide emails and i can't keep up i guess it's fucking playoffs playoffs and you know what go fund yourself how about that i if i i could have like most of my twitter feed would be hey this so-and-so is doing a kickstarter go fund me thing i'm not gonna do it like occasionally i will retweet that but i can't just have my entire twitter feed be begging on someone else's behalf

i can't do that many even if i know you i yeah i'll there's also this is important If you send me a fucking please retweet, my nephew has neck cancer, please give or at least retweet. And I look at your Twitter account and you're not even following me, which is 90% of all. There's a certain aspect of hospitality or something. People will just, and that's all they do all day.

Instead of fucking getting a job to pay for that, hospitality or something they get on people will just and that's all they do all day instead of fucking getting a job to pay for that to just tweet people they think will have enough followers that they'll retweet it and just begging money that you watch their twitter feed every hey uh fucking screech from saved by the bell will you need to bail money my nephew has neck cancer hey whoever and it's donald trump so what you're saying is if they don't follow you fuck you and your neck cancer expect abuse expect me to abuse you if you're one of those guys who just begs anyone of any fucking limited notoriety over and over and it's clear that these people when you look look at their feeds, they're not your fan.

If they actually listened to a fucking, one of your specials, they'd be horrified. Right. All they've done is look at the number of Twitter followers. You've got to be verified status. Yeah. And yeah.

And it's a simple breach of etiquette. You don't do that. Yeah. Why? You wouldn't even just click follow. Yeah. I don't want to clog up my Twitter feed with all this maintenance. Fuck you. So much of it is so your fault too.

There was one guy, he's dead now, thank God. I have a folder in my hotmail for all the Kickstarter fucking beggars. I want to see this. It's just like all the emails can you imagine what mick jagger's like i uh i want to go to community college but i don't have money like everybody's probably like we all have stepmoms problems and one guy that was dying of a like heart failure and he knew since he was eight years old, it was like a Hedberg story, where Hedberg knew that he had a fucking defective heart, and he's like, fuck it, I'm going to run with life. world yet spit out four children and now you have your fucking fake wife fucking as a i just i just kept i'd click on that every morning during my morning hate period and hope he was dead

if only you could take 15 of that happy new year that's that's enough of podcasting for this year. I appreciate all you guys, and I appreciate the people who do send shit to the house and weird people who occasionally show up and then leave in an orderly manner and people who come to my shows and get yelled at because you don't know how to handle yourselves. Everything I complain about, I love because that's what I love about this business. I like to be miserable, and I like to complain. That's what makes me happy. Every end of every podcast. Every podcast.

This is Chad Shane. And when I'm at Stanhope, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. All right, let's do it. That's HD Fatty.

Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman? I don't know. Welcome back to the Hey Fuck It podcast. It's New Year's Eve, so we're going gonna just drop in here and again as we get more and more fucked up and uh i feel pretty good actually we're starting to talk like normal people rather than me there are a number of issues unaddressed i think so too i can't remember a single one no neither can i but no it's actually the fucking police beat but uh yeah no i wanted to do the more

of the police beat with chad shank and then you forgot the police yeah who's a hero who who in the uh peanut gallery is a hero that will run up to the kitchen of van dyke and grab the police beat off the cat food table next to the fridge in the pink notepad that's how you know you've made it in comedy it's in the kitchen when you have a cat food table oh yeah i mean not a lot of comedians have a cat food table. Doug became very belligerent about the cat food table at one point. He said, hey,

fucking Louis C.K.'s got a cat food table. And he doesn't even have a cat. He just does it to rub it into his friend's faces. He said, Patton Oswalt's got a fucking tiger tank. And I was like, I'm sorry, Louis. I told you, did you see the Louis C.K. email? tiger tank. And I was like, I'm sorry. I told you.

Did you see the Louis C.K. email? Yes. All right. I think I did the right thing. You did. Yeah. Yeah. The rest of us did?

Yeah, no. He just sent me an email with a bullshit as I would send. Hey, sorry I haven't responded to you in a thousand fucking emails, but I'm a dick. And I go, don't worry. I just wondered. I'm doing a special tomorrow, and this sounds uh like something i think you do which i thought was something bill hicks did that i have it was a and you clued him in that you said i it's not something i did worst news i think it's something bill hicks did yeah no one's gonna go oh louis ck ripped up doug stanhope but

you fuck with the god there's legions of fucking hicks of fans oh and i said it's i'm sure you do a different do the fucking bit like nothing bothers me more than people who get trashed for doing a premise that was like a bill hicks or a you know lenny bruce yeah like the government is bad yeah no one has ever done that before like hicks but fucking dating material you can do all day and night oh aren't you fucking kids like little drunk people well everyone does that bit no one says hey you're trying to be like a fucking hackneyed 80s comic yeah you're trying to do something important i've always said steal my fucking bit jury duty i probably said it on the podcast that's an example of a bit always take jury duty i just didn't make

it funny enough and it's an important thing the easiest way to make a difference as one individual is one guy on a jury says no i'm not fucking convicting him i don't care how many pounds of marijuana you're only gonna smoke enough to get high it's not it's okay oh thank you very much sir okay yeah so yeah steal my bits and yeah so i told louis ck fuck i'm doing the bit and uh because i can't imagine louis ck ever reminding me of bill h. I'm sure you have an angle on it. Who? Me? It was a bit of – anyway, the point is I hope he did the – What?

I hope he did the bit. No, I think you buried the lead, and that is that he responded back to your email with the, hey, how are you? How is bingo? He did it. Everything is – how is everything? Oh, and oh, also, here's the reason i actually contacted you he said i'm sorry i'm i'm a dick asshole oh he actually yeah yeah no he wrote that like he he was i thought when

you told me that we were just laughing at him for it yeah no i was laughing at you were laughing with him yes i was laughing with him but then i sent a very encouraging email back and he didn't say thank you or nothing what a dick but i do that to almost everybody a friend of mine just got who's i've known since the 90s guy a good friend i'm not going to mention his name actually took a fucking bus to worcester massachusetts the first time i played my hometown yes and uh knows me i never get back to people i don't i read my email i read them drunk half the time i forget you emailed because it's not marked unread and i don't and then now yeah he's going through a hard time and he called me up going i i reached out to you a few times and you didn't get back to me you didn't contribute to like that's what i do i don't

get back to you but he's going through a hard time. I know, but people don't understand that. I'll say, hey, Doug, these people in fucking Abajabaland want to pay you hundreds of thousands of dollars to do this for five minutes and you don't get back to me for fucking two weeks.

And then you still have to remind me about Abajabaland. Abajabaland is really ripe for Doug's style of comedy. If Doug doesn't get back to you, it's not. It's not. And then you still have to remind me. Yeah. Abjabalan is really ripe for style of comedy. Doug doesn't get back to you. It's not because he doesn't like you. Well, sometimes like with an offer, I have to think about it that night and then the next morning because there's two different Doug Stanoffs. Like right now, I want to go. Fuck it.

Super Bowl party's back on. The fucking middle palm trees are done in the yard and it's all to go fuck it super bowl party's back on the fucking middle palm trees are done in the yard and it's all painted and fuck it and then in the morning i'd go oh shit did i put that on a podcast so yeah you have to think about things through the hangover through the high through the the the self-imposed manic depression of alcoholism which i hate that word alcoholism yeah but it it's it's it conveys the message it shouldn't be ism it should be ist all right let's go back. You know what, Brent?

I've always said it shouldn't be alcoholism. It should be alcoholist. That's brilliant! Thank you very much. It'll never work. That's great. I feel like I laughed better than that. Whatever happened to Brerickson? He was lost in the desert.

Like so many folks get. Yeah, whatever happened to Bray Erickson? Yeah, he was lost in the desert. Yeah, oh well. Like so many folks get. Chad Shank's desert. I wasn't anywhere near him. Is that like Celine Dion's world? Like we're all living in Celine Dion's world? I have no idea what that means. Well, it's like, you know, it's Celine Dion's world. We just live in it.

Oh, yeah. means well like it's like um you know it's lean deon's world we just live in it oh yeah that's a reference for brian's friends in los angeles what do you think i know chad shanks world yeah it's chad shanks desert we just live in it after every podcast do you ever go home chad and go actually i'm a nice person and all they talk about is me wanting to kill people. Pup? Pupple? No. Pupple people? No, because I don't ever feel like I'm a nice person.

And it's usually you that brings up killing the people. No, no. I go to it. Is it? Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to talk about it too seriously. I mean, on Christmas, you had your Christmas people bashing stick. You were going to get seven of them at the mall.

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason why Stan home has me around is because he's pretty sure that I'm going to break records and make news someday and he'll be like, I fucking had that guy on my podcast a bunch of times. I knew him before you even joined people. Bandwagon jumpers. No, when we get together, we talk comedy. I don't fucking talk comedy clubs with Chad Shank.

When Brian and I get together, we talk misanthropy, and then Chad and I take it to the next level. Killing people. Misery. So that's how you find something. There's a lot of people that just as you're mixing your drink you said that that was fucking perfect by the way this is if you hear when you're hearing that podcast and you hear the uh you hear the ice clinking in the drink as he says misery understand that shaley did not add that sound effect in and that was chad mixing his drink

i love the sound. Natural ambience. By the way, it's chilly unless you're Lynn Shawcrow. Whatever. Alright, it's Chad Shank's anniversary. Yes, how long has he been on New Year's Eve? He's been with Jenny. Tomorrow will be my anniversary at midnight. Yeah, midnight tonight.

16 years. Holy monkeys. We asked him if he would come over for New Year's Eve. It's kind of a, oh, let me get this out of the way. We said on the Christmas podcast that it's basically Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We're an open house. And someone emailed me and said, hey, I don't know if you're doing the open house thing for New Year's as well. But my wife and I, that's I don't know if you're doing the open house thing for New Year's as well,

but my wife and I, that's what we're up to. When I say open house, I mean for my friends locally here. Yeah, no place to go for Christmas Eve. It's not for the world. The town of misfit toys can come over and have a Miller Lite. Hey, come to the Magic Kingdom. What the fuck was... What? You're not supposed to touch it.

I didn't touch it. You didn't touch it. What do you mean you didn't? Magically. Someone tech guy. Can you work with Henneken? Hang on a minute. I got a man.

Harley's going to do tech. Harley's a grip. I don't know if that's what a grip is. It's got a literal... It seems like it. It's all better now you guys Thanks Harley Good job Harley

As I was saying to you Brett Brett Erickson Brett Erickson 68 At twitter.org At twitter I talk to you Mostly about comedy I talk to Brian mostly about business and who's an

asshole and i i talked to chad shank about how many people could you kill like if that'd be a great fun diagram by the way but keep going but we laugh yeah yeah we have fun but uh harley is the guy that uh i have nothing to say to where i will literally call in reverend derrick because they're they're gear heads and he'll tell me about all sorts of gear shit and he bought a two-stroke this and that from the craigslist and i gloss over and i'll literally yell derrick because derrick's a gear head too. And Derek will rush in and just start spewing nomenclature, not knowing what the conversation is.

It's a funny running gag with Harley. He's a skateboardery guy. He doesn't care anyway. He's fucking always happy. As soon as he talks to me, I go, I don't have any fucking where to go with this. It's like hearing two fax machines communicate. It's like, I'm glad it communicate. It's like, oh, I'm glad

it's happening. But I'm not involved. You're lucky you can call Derek. Whenever people talk to me, I just have to look at my phone and ignore him. Why? Does he only want you for one? What do people call you for, Chad Shank?

Just here is the only time I interact with people. People don't call me. No, it's like Brendan Walsh's Bluetooth bit. He doesn't have an actual phone. I don't have other social interactions. But this is like you saying you have a friend in Barcelona. I do have a friend in Barcelona. I said I had a friend

who I met in Barcelona. Is that a place? Sure. Get the fuck out of here. Really? Yeah, it's a good soccer team. Are you a headliner there? No. Okay. No. I've middled there once.

Okay. So you have to talk to somebody, Chad. My wife. Chad Shank. And that's it. Well, I have a neighbor that comes by a lot, but really, that guy's on the edge. But it's mostly to complain. I hope he doesn't listen to the podcast. Fuck, I can only be nice for so long, but really, that guy's on the edge. But it's mostly to complain. I hope he doesn't listen to the podcast.

Fuck, I can only be nice for so long, but I like him. He's an alright guy, but he can't come over every day. How often does he come over? He tries to come over every day, but I... He tries to come over? Well, have you got a fucking mashing line? Sometimes I show up at the door

acting like a lunatic, and then people I didn't fucking answer texts for a reason. You're not supposed to come over. Bingo and I will do that. I shouldn't be giving this away. Please do. You try to find a bar before the gig that's not next to the gig. Oh, yeah.

I'm familiar. Far enough away where your audience is not going to be in the bar. Yes. And if someone comes towards you anyway we find i'll just go okay just make it a heated discussion like no one like if no one will break up an argument and go hey doug stanhope if you just look like you're just like no you bullshit and i gotta get paid and like just whatever so they go oh shit we shouldn't get involved in this so now in a reverse boy cries wolf situation someday you will be in an actual heated discussion with bingo and one of your fans will be like it's fine this is they do this all the time to get rid of us

it's a bit he does like we can still go up and talk to him the house across the street from me is for sale and people come over there to look at it sometimes. My dog looks really scary, and she's not, but she'll go nuts. I'll run outside and grab her around the neck like I'm trying to hold her back, and I'll tell her, we can't kill them until they come in the yard. We can't kill them unless they come in the yard. We've talked about this on the podcast, haven't we? It's worth repeating.

When I worked for McCallan Malt Whiskey, I bought, sorry I didn't buy, I rented this fucking, this gorgeous, like half of a farmhouse that was in the middle of fucking nowhere in the north of Scotland. And I was the only person that lived there. And I had these,

I had this fantastic hi-fi at the time. No relationship. But I had a fantastic hi-fi and i used to crank it all the time and i loved it and then they kept trying to rent out the farmhouse like it's like it's like 10 yards away from me and the only reason to live in the middle of fucking nowhere is they can do what the fuck you want so they're trying to rent out the only property they can you know like tell me to turn it down and the problem they had though

was that there was a turn off from the main road it was like a mile long so I could see when they were bringing people up to show them the property and you made it appear haunted as soon as they took the left turn to come and visit I just turned up the music really loud so that they couldn't even

visit their property without being able to talk. It worked. But yeah, you don't want to live in the middle of nowhere and have neighbors. We have a lot in common. I was just thinking we should just make this the New Year's marathon

podcast where just everybody sits in, Harley gets in, starts talking gears if reverend derrick we're here you're just gonna try to walk people from the podcast no just everyone like we'll go we'll go hailey watch the numbers go down unsubscribe yeah till everyone's gone hour podcast but we don't have to be it's just you come in you come out. And I'll contribute that much money to childhood cancer. Yes, every dollar you pay for this podcast. I noticed Chaley did the whole website.

I haven't looked at it all. And I have to write a fucking update. I'm sorry. One day I will get around to writing the update after the playoffs, first round of the playoffs. I will get around to writing the update after the playoffs, first round of the playoffs. But yeah, he has a donate here button for the podcast.

I haven't checked PayPal to see if anyone noticed. I think we should. I want to put back up the be my best friend. That went sour. How? It's a long story. Okay. Someone who took it too seriously. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, it's a long story. Okay. Well, someone who took it too seriously.

really? Yes. So let's, let's put in context. You used to have a feature on your website that said, be my best friend. If, if you just bid to be my best friend, the highest bidder was my new best friend.

That's right. But if you got, it was, this was before, well, eBay was probably around i wasn't aware it wasn't uh and i go but if someone pays me more i'm gonna dump you that new person and this kid just kept sending me his money and like i think it's a joke and

then he was serious and that was the only the one thing that when I met Marilyn Manson, we had in common, because this kid has been following Marilyn Manson. He used to tell me, Oh, he did you gain or something? It was a guy that played in the Marilyn Manson's band back in when I was doing this,

this is like 2002 or three or something. Right. Black and black and white time. Well, when I did the best friend thing on my website. Yeah. And he kept talking about and you go, oh, he's just haunting this fucking guy. The same way he's haunting me. But no, he's really interested in your comedy and he wants to do an art show.

And I'm like, then why doesn't he contact me? It was a weird thing, but he still is in touch with me 12 years later. And Marilyn Manson. And Marilyn Manson. Yeah, we goof on him. Adam is – So he's kind of still your best friend. Yeah.

It all paid off. It's on paper. Is that actually why you ditched the whole thing because of him? Well, at one point when he started telling me his problems, I he was i'm like that was a joke it's just a thought that's kind of obviously a joke uh but yes he still emails me telling me his problems are over and then telling me more problems not so bad you're You're a good dude, Adam. Don't kill anyone. You would have by now.

Will said Chad Shank. Chad Shank is a nice person. I know he is. Fluffy marshmallow. I know, but I feel he's nice to us. I think so. He put us to bed the other night. That night. Not me. Bingo and I were passing out on the couches and states of disrepair. So he just picked Bingo up like a child and brought her in and put her into bed

and then took a couple looks at me and went, all right, there you go. I didn't remember it until you told me, but I think what it was is we wanted the couch because we weren't done drinking, but Bingo didn't want to give it up so i carried her to bed and then after we had our drinks then you she did that she did that the other night she she last night yeah she did that she she's it's an l shaped couch and the fucking dogs will clog it up and the cats will clog it up and she so we have we each have our side she has the short part of the L because she's shorter. I have the long part, and the dogs will sleep up on top of the cushions. Well, she fucking curls up around the whole L.

Then the dogs, I can't even fucking sit down. Bingo, honey, do you want to go to bed? I can't. I can't at some point. Your couch is like a microcosm for your whole place. There's such a collection of malcontents and retards that there's no room for you anymore. They're just slowly pushing you off. I can't even sit down anymore.

I'm only visiting. Lots of folks are visiting. I'm fucking ditching out of this right now because we have some steaks for four of us that we were supposed to cook before fucking interlopers came. So we didn't eat filet mignon while you're eating cheese and crackers. But, hey, enjoy the cheese and crackers. We're going to go eat fucking 50% off clearance filet mignon, my favorite section of Safeway.

Hey, this segment has been sponsored by the clearance section of Safeway, both the deli and the meat section. If you're eating at football at my house or on the holidays, it was 50% off and it would be rotten tomorrow. Enjoy yesterday's bacon today. Yeah, no, no. Now it's only it's only 10 to 8. We just isn't really only. Oh, my God. It's 10 to 8. We ate some food? Oh, my God. Yeah, it's 10 to 8. We ate some food, so I think we should be good till midnight.

But right now, there's only a small gathering of people in the fun house. But right now, everyone is singing to my iPod. My iPod is the worst. And I can't correct it. I'm trying to fix it. I deleted all of the songs on my iPod trying to fucking download the Bill Burr podcast. Chaley got them back, but I can't get... It's fucked.

Everyone is singing If I Had a Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies, which I would try to hide. If I had a million dollars, I would stop them from doing that. I like that song, but I would have that on a hidden playlist, but everyone is in there. Hi, we handed up pot cookies. We,

we, I guess the half off filet mignon for the four meat eaters that I knew were going to be here. Everyone else is getting beans and weenies without even without the weenies so just it's so that's what's going on right now is chad shank i gotta talk to him about this on the air about his fucking his bluetooth story and uh right now at 10 to 8 on new year's eve people are singing bare naked ladies if i had a million dollars and chad shank knows every word and is doing the

baritone it is truly a magical situation so we will check in as we will slowly watch the night degrade you will not miss any of it except for the parts chaley edits out just to give you a full new year's eve experience we'll be back after these messages. James, have you ever used Eros Guide for hookers on the road? Eros Guide, that sounds interesting. What is it? Eros Guide is where in my later stage of getting hookers via computer, I would go to Eros Guide. They have hookers in every major metropolitan area.

So is this like Craigslist? It gives you pictures, tells you what they're into. Right, because I'm tired of going to Craigslist and finding these skanky hookers. Hey, your face isn't really pixelated. Get out of my Motel 6. How much to just talk for three months? All right, I'll give you $250 an hour, but I get to live on your couch for a year and a half.

And believe me, you'll be paying me that back. Did you say no? I like what you did. I respect that. Can I do some laundry at your house? It's just this jacket and cap. All right, that's a plug from James Inman. Now back to the podcast, already sort of in progress. Sacks!

Rulers of the underpants universe! Sacks! Keep your balls off your legs and such! Sacks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know. Oh no, they have like five hits. Why is that? Yeah.

While sitting talking to the mic. Don't touch it. There's a broken to the old apartment. I don't know that. There's the one about jumping through the sprinkler. It's not on. It is on. What makes you think it's on? Don't the sprinkler It's not on It is on Don't touch it

It's not on It flashes when it's pausing It's red when it's on We do this without you Okay audience it's on Uh oh Monday Night Hennigan is going to turn sour quick No I won't

Unless you're a douchebag. You haven't eaten, have you? I had two bits of chicken. Oh, okay. Yeah, you just ate. And now a coffee with a little whiskey? Yeah. And then we'll power through?

That's right. That is right. I don't know who's coming over. Does it matter? No, it doesn't. Those are the dog's bollocks of gloves. Look at that. No one cares about gloves

You said you wanted a podcast I just want to smoke in their house while they're away Yeah So Joby You're a well known figure in the dog stand I'm not He runs the death pool They know that

So what else The ones who are irritated By the death pool. They know that. Yeah, so what else? I mean, when I first met him. The ones who are irritated by the death pool, they don't even think it's funny. They'll turn off now. They don't know Joby. They just blame me. So the people who are into death pool.

Joby, what is your life plan right now? Short term? No. No, no, no. No life plan is short term no no no no no life plan is short term listen i i got a crap job that everyone you know most people would love to have because it's a career all right it's a a great job for the for my listeners meaning most people would love to have if they can't find work right okay so you work for a water company yeah i do development for

a water company and you know it's uh yeah it's a great career for anyone that wants a white picket fence life okay but you say that as if you don't want that no i don't want that so how long you've been doing it since he fucked himself over approximately uh seven years right jobe used to be the guy i met jobe on myspace i know i just moved in well i'm you know this isn't a conversation that goes to other people too brian it's not just i know i'm giving it the yeah so i met him he was you remember he was just free to be you and me. He was going to start a diving company in Belize, went down there diving. He was slightly annoying. I remember the first time I came down, I was like,

this guy's going to do all this fucking shit. This is really annoying. You have no care in the world yet. You hate those people. Yep. Yeah. Of course you do. He's fucking single.

And now he doesn't hate me anymore because I'm a loser. But the point was, it wasn't like you got children or something or somebody tricked you into getting them pregnant. He was living kind of dirt cheap. He had to live with his cousin in Hereford, but they worked it out. Yeah. At some point, he decided to buy a house. I don't know what came first, the truck, the house, or the job.

It was the job, the truck, the house. The job. Okay. So Joby worked around here. He did a little this and that. He worked for the Stock Exchange. That's right. You managed the Stock Exchange.

Metal Morphosis. Which is a bar. Oh, yeah. You worked. Metal Morphosis managed that place The metal artwork gallery Yeah Jason the guy who made the

Yeah Paltry parts Yeah so you know Just kind of little stuff here and there So what was the flip The switch that flipped Well this job pays well It's a real job

Maybe then I could do something like Like go diving in Belize I'll just do this for a little while. And that's what everyone does, and they get sucked into that cycle. But he had that, so he got the truck. Way too lofty. The Tacoma. And then he goes, I could buy a house.

And now I'm fucking stuck. I remember your housewarming party. It was me, you, and bingo. Yep. And it was the saddest because you hated the fact that you got sucked into this. Yeah. Because it's in like a housing community. If you've ever been to Vegas or Phoenix.

It's a cookie cutter, like suburbia fucking house. That's why Robert Downey Jr. got into trouble. Because he lived in a fucking neighborhood where every house looked the same why robert downey jr got into trouble because he lived in a fucking neighborhood where every house looked the same and he just walked in it so how do we how do we get you out of the how do you get you he's working on it yeah well yeah absolutely i'm like you said the other day they're gonna force my hand who's they his company's downsizing oh good yeah development is done there there will be no need for me within the next six months.

Good news is he lives right off the base and that's where every military family wants to live by other military. I'm just going to rent my place out and walk. Like furnished. Right. Like walk away. He can live in the rape trailer as long as he doesn't fuck a hippie in it. Yeah.

No promises. That's a callback to God knows how many podcasts this will be cut up into, but it's a callback to one of them. Well, that's good. Yeah, force my hand. Let him lay me off. Did you ever see Joby's mom's trailer? No.

Oh, beautiful. Joby's mom was unless I'm unless I'm misrepresenting was a real fucking hippie yeah she was and she has a trailer that's still there

in her backyard that's basically like a Mark and Mindy egg with wheels on it alright it's a wing turret off of a

B something bomber oh yeah so you heard about this it's a little fucking egg yeah it's a B not 2 B-37 bomber or something like that you heard about this yeah it's a b not to a b37 bomber or something she lived in this yeah she traveled up b210 no that's a dotson sorry right hey anyone over 50

will get that reference but yeah traveled up and down the coast and and unless i'm mistaken for my member and because i once met your mother she's kind of turned the corner she's kind of a little bit Christian or something well see we were raised Jehovah's Witness oh alright just so you know I've never said the pledge of allegiance once in my life

wow is that a thing with Jehovah's Witnesses I didn't know that fucking false prophet pledging allegiance to anything I didn't know that was a thing with Jehovah's Witnesses? Yeah. I didn't know that. Fucking false prophet? Yeah. Pledging allegiance to anything other than Jehovah? I didn't know that was a thing. Other than God.

Well, you're going to need to learn religion. Yep. And the Pledge of Allegiance, all in the same night. And you're going to do it in... How many Americans can say that? They've never said the Pledge of Allegiance. And only Jehovah's Witnesses can say that. They can, like, go...

No, they don't say it. That's what I mean. They can say that I've never said it. Do you know the Pledge of Allegiance. And only Jehovah's Witnesses can say that. They can like go... No, they don't say it. That's what I mean. They can say that I've never said it. Do you know the Pledge of Allegiance? Of course not. Because I want to hear you say it because you're starting to sound like Arthur. Who's Arthur?

Dudley Moore. All right. No, I've never said it. I don't know. But I have to say it at some point because I've put my application in. For citizenship? Ah, yes.

But only because now you can get joint citizenship. Really? Yeah. It's pretty easy now. Oh, you don't have to denounce Scotland? No. You used to have to do that? Yeah, I used to. I used to get a marry-in. Oh, I'm married. I'm done. I'm done on that side. The point is,

citizenship's the next step. And it used to be the case that you had to renounce Satan. Wow, that's weird. And now it's so next step. And it used to be the case that you had to renounce Satan. Oh, wow. That's weird. And now it's so fucking creepy. And now it's not. Now apparently I can.

The good thing is that I imagine it works. I'm just guessing here because in the UK, at no point do you actually have to say, I'm willing to fight and die for this country. That's why there's so many people fighting and lying for ISIS. I imagine with British access. Who's going to fight and die for Scotland, though? Scottish people wouldn't. Braveheart?

You've seen the film, haven't you? Yeah, but they don't go to war with anybody. No, no. Oh, they still do. They still have face paint at my shows when I play Edinburgh in Glasgow. We wouldn't need to. Oh, yeah. We don't need to, but let's not get into the whole Scottish independence thing.

Okay. Because that's dead and dusted. We've won. Okay? So, but let's not get into the whole Scottish independence thing. Okay. Because that's dead and dusted. We've won. Okay. So, but yeah, I mean, the main thing is, you know, having American citizenship is remarkably useful. And also I'm paying taxes without representation right now. All right. I don't know what that means, but you've made us come over and podcast And we are only at the 8.07 mark

Yeah, but we don't go back to Joby Oh Wait, you wanted to come over here to talk And then Joby showed up Yeah Alright, we're gonna be doing this till midnight So let's just cut this short Alright, let's cut this short

Didn't Big Ghoul go to the bathroom? She's right there. She's in the room! Dirty monkeys! Okay. Now what do we do? Just hit that once. It will flatten out.

You stopped it. See, you fucked it. Why are you looking at me when you said I fucked it? I didn't do anything. I'm not touching anything. I'm just saying, Mr. Technical of Sierra Vista. Alright, now it's supposed to flash. God damn it. Nope.

Shit. It probably wasn't recording the whole time. No, it's recording. It's recording again. You can't stop it from recording. Alright. You never't stop it from recording. All right. I never liked you people anyway. You people.

Should I get everything? All right. No, no. Now we're solid. Oh, no. No. Well, fucking Hennigan was so hammered at the last break, which was an hour and ten minutes ago. Like, no, we should keep podcasting.

And then he came over. He had nothing to say and just started grilling Joby about his personal life. Well, you used to... What's your long-term plan? And you can see his eyes turning black. You know how bingo when she gets shit-faced. Her eyes are just all black

and kind of crossing he just wanted to chaley to have to listen to all that shit but no joe b's friends just showed up as i'm leaving you saw them i don't know yeah yeah they called over the gate joe was there yeah yeah uh so no i wanted i fuck god damn it i had two things I wanted to talk to you about. I don't remember either. The Bluetooth. The Bluetooth is fucking fantastic. What? Oh, yeah, you got it.

Got it, got it, got it. Bingo came back from Mexico. Unlike any other human being, she came back with constipation she's like i haven't she i gotta get an enema or some laxatives or something like did you not drink the water i only ate the cheese i i was so afraid of drinking the water in mexico that i had no liquids of any kind. All I ate was cheese. I drank cheese, nacho

cheese for breakfast. Now I spent three days in Rocky Point and I'm just solid cement shit from gut to anus. My entire internal tract. It's true.

Can I get a whiskey and Drano, please? Thank you. tracked. It's true. She's the other. Can I get a whiskey and Drano, please? Thank you. Thank you very much. Call Roto Rooter.

That's the name. And something, something. And away goes troubles down the drain. I feel really

bad because every time I come over here, I know it's my house but Carrie Mitchell has god love her soul 10 months quit smoking and it's a small place and one cigarette will stink it up

for a while but I keep smoking especially when I don't have to look at her here hey Carrie can you mind the party while we go do another installment of the podcast? All right, let's start with, if anyone out there can tell me the name of the documentary, there's three that I saw that are very similar in vein.

The Devil and Daniel Johnston. similar in vain the daniel and devil john the devil and daniel johnston then there's d railroaded larry wildman fisher and there's a third one about another musician i think an austin musician that's fucked out of his head and the only way he could sleep was to have he had all these old like you know uh turn dial television sets with rabbit ear you it would and radios just white noise just static as loud as possible and it's the only way he could sleep because that's what he hears in his head and you had a fucking story with a bluetooth well i relate to that because that's how i hears in his head. And you had a fucking story with a Bluetooth. Well, I relate to that because that's how I deal sometimes if I have voices. I'll put a Bluetooth headset set as a speaker, hook up my phone, and listen to this police scanner.

That way it's random in bursts the same way it usually is so that I don't get alarmed. Because what will happen is I get alarmed by him. Because, oh, what the fuck? Oh oh what the fuck oh what's here and then you and then part of you becomes aware that there's not anybody there and you feel like a fucking dickweed but you still hear him which is kind of more scary than when you think there might be somebody there i remember when we first because you've been really open about your head being fucked up we make light of it yeah the whole that's how i deal with it serial killer thing that we make jokes about but i remember when you were talking just openly about you know hearing voices and just being logical it was kind of like the first time i took acid. They explained it well enough to me

that these are things you're going to have to deal with that are going to happen. Just don't panic. And I'm like, thank God someone sat me down. But you have the same thing where you go, okay, I know this is not a real voice I'm hearing. Yeah, but it's all the time. And a lot of times it's like a radio in the next room

where it's not, you know, it's not demons telling you to fucking do stuff. It's just like a – and then you start to rationalize it logically. There's voices all over the, you know, right now. If you tune in a radio, you can hear them. So is there something in my head that can just tune in? Is there a logical explanation? Exactly.

Other than I'm a fucking looney tune. Yeah. I don't know yeah you can turn on the tv and you're hearing does that make sense why why is it weird that my brain might bingo i do a whole bit about mental illness that's all from hearsay perspective where like it's like me being a militant black patriot as a white guy and i'm sure there's a million references of people who are like that that are white fucking hollywood people but i don't know what i'm talking about i know from her you've seen it up close yeah when i say

the reference and when the shortwave radio is playing in your head, that's because she described it that way. I never heard that, but that's cool. That's not the joke. It's on the way to the joke. It's about how they deal with mental illness here in Bisbee. Anyway, the point is, you told me that you fucking sleep with your Bluetooth. Yeah. I'll put audiobook and then set a timer

for however long I think it'll take me to go to sleep and then I have stuff going pumping into the head so that way I'm not focusing on which is probably not going to do a lot of good if somebody breaks into my house so hey there's somebody here

I'm listening to it's one of those uh fucked up things that's been become such as a staple like with pleading insanity well you talking right now about your mental illness they'd go he's not insane listen to him he talks like a normal person well just because you're not just trying to suck your own dick in a gutter and hurling feces at people doesn't mean you don't have some kind of mental illness and you are that was so impressive to be when you're like like you were aware of your mental illness a couple of the the therapists that i've talked to have actually told me that that's why like medication i'm not on medication i haven't been and i've tried but it doesn't

really do they said it's probably not going to work for you i'm too analytical of my own mind and i'm aware of things that most people with this problem are not aware of so they're like you fucked yourself you're like in the worst situation i've ever seen anybody be in because usually at least people are oblivious enough to just fucking stumble through. It's a weird thing in AA, in the big book of AA, they say there's people that are too smart for this program. They say that outright. Yeah, I've had.

It's almost like if Christianity, any religion said, okay, if you're too smart, you can't have faith. But for the rest of you. Yeah. I've had two different therapists tell me that I should write a self-help book. Because they're like, you understand the concepts of what needs to be done to, you know, be better. It's just impossible for you to do it. But you understand the concepts.

But you can't teach people to be smart or or smarter well no they want me to teach people the things that they want to teach cognitive behavior therapy and stuff where it you know it but you have to have your same level of of cognition no no no that's what fucks me out of it being able to work for me is because i'll overanalyze it to the point of well wait a minute that's bullshit if that is you know no but i'm saying you could not teach someone who no i i don't have an example of a person i want to say kenny who's not even crazy just to pick on but they want because my my words to them was, you know how I live.

Why would you suggest that I write a self-help book? And they were like, you don't, nobody has to know how you live. Just tell them what they should do. You understand what people should do. Yeah. But I can't implement those things because there's not the consistency of mind. I don't, I don't understand. I don't know.

Well, have them listen to the podcast. Hey, listen to the podcast. I don't have been to a therapist in a long time. I was just telling Bigel, you have to find somebody that you trust, who you think can understand you to help you, that may know a little bit more than you. I've been to therapists before,

and all I could focus on was the lady was so fat that the fat from her legs folded over and hid her ankles like fucking jeans with a cuff gilbert grape yeah i'm like and i just remember thinking your fucking insanity is visible i'm mine i'm hiding mine better than you and you're trying to help me you've got more problems in me but so yeah my my brother's ex-wife is a therapist and won't get on a plane she would never come out here with the kids because she's terrified of flying and i know that you can't find a perfect person yeah but you have somebody you have to trust well the only advice that i repeat what advice would you give comics joey scazzola i was a big open micer and some young open mic was asking me advice and i was

pontificating and he pulled me aside he goes never give someone advice because all you're doing is telling them how to be just like you and so yeah you should write a fucking self-help book or do a self-help podcast, which is way easier than writing. Because there is someone like you. That's the only time that I ever felt like I was communicating or doing any good is when you play some back-ass fuckingbraska kansas iowa iowa iowa illinois sorry kansas i didn't mean to go to nebraska illinois is the worst fucking state in the world iowa's second but you find that one kid who's never been exposed he thinks what you're thinking but he's surrounded by bullshit and he like oh fuck someone else thinks this and they're not just saying it they're making a living saying it

and that's the only time you have any like oh fuck i should write more shit i shouldn't retire so yeah you should put that out there i don't know what I would say. Wear a Bluetooth when you hear voices and listen to it. Chicago is a great police scanner to listen to because it's very busy and sporadic. Thank God. I thought you meant the band. Does anybody know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

Another callback. When I go to the spree, maybe I'll put something like that in. That way I'm just annoyed. Yeah. It's way more common for someone to come up to me going, oh, you're an atheist. I never thought that anyone. But what you have, again, the bits I do are all through Bingo's eyes and people I know.

But it's way weirder for someone to say, hey, fuck, I have to sleep with a Bluetooth in so I know that the voice is not, is a real voice. At least you trick yourself. Yeah. You've explained this to me and I think it's fucking fascinating. And I feel like a fraud. I feel like some fucking not gay person.

I feel like Jamie Kilstein and rape culture. Alright, let the rapists talk for themselves, douche. Stop leeching on but i live with you so i have to deal with it i appreciate it too because like i for a long time i didn't want anybody to know you know it's not some of your problems or stigma that goes with it i was trying to hold real you know regular jobs and stuff and you you know until everything

fell the fuck apart every time. But then I hang out with you guys and where nobody really judges you for being a fucking lunatic. We judge you. We celebrate you. Yeah. I have a fucking place. I have a personality. And forgive me the Canadians I'm about to talk about.

Some Canadians. I met them. They were nice people. I had to go away to do that bar rescue show and uh while i was away some fans stopped by which occasionally happens and i wasn't here and jaylee said well come on in stay stay the weekend you can sleep in the rape trailer so i came back and they're there but they they were i won't say dullards but that's what i mean they but they weren't we probably talked about this last week because we were drunk it was right after they left but they weren't fan boyish they weren't they didn't really even talk to me.

What the fuck was my point at the beginning of this? Maybe they just figured it was a free place to stay. She... Was she a little bit messed? No, I was using them as an example. I don't know. We digress. Yeah, I fucking digress. Sorry canadians you're fine people but

when someone shows up and stays the weekend at your house you're you're expecting them to be wicked annoying or asking you a lot of questions and you just you acted like i was interrupting your uh quiet time. So next time you come to my fucking house, be a little bit annoying. I think it has something to do with Jamie Kilstein. I don't know. I don't even know who that is. He threw me. Anyway.

I'm going to shut in, remember? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Your references are lost on me, sir. Chaley will fill in and just finish my point for me. You know, bad. Anybody really know what time it is? My first concert, my first music concert.

There's losing my virginity. I have two different times. Once when I actually made penetration with a girl before we really know why we're doing this, but we knew this is what adults do. And then the first time I came, which was years later. And it's my first time seeing a concert with my mother and then on my own.

All right. It was one time. The first time was Chicago, but it was with my mother and she was bitching as she's smoking cool menthols because you could smoke in a theater. Then she was bitching about people smoking pot in front of us. And then I saw Jethro Tull on my own i'm like oh it's a whole different experience but before that my first concert i brought my mother to when i think i was

like 16 before chicago which i don't count because it was comedy was bill cosby and he did not rape my mother so you know what you cast all the accusations you want out there bill cosby did not rape my mother because she had to take me back to lester where she was staying as a divorcee all right that doesn't go anywhere does it but it's a true story man it's a goddamn true story what else were we going to talk about i forgot fucking you that's boring i think it's fucking amazing i don't know i don't know what it's like being a good question then i don't know how to talk it's a functional alcoholic is that how they describe it yeah except

for imagine the repercussions of being an alcoholic. I'm a functional psychopath where at any moment, if it's the wrong day or the wrong circumstances, I could literally cause other people harm. You know, that's fucking scary. That's why it's fascinating. Yeah, that's scary. Well, that's why I don't go places.

That's why I's fascinating. Yeah. That's, that's, that's, well, that's why I don't go places. That's why I stay, you know. And most people would see him as a complete teddy bear. Well, earlier in the podcast, when I said, and it really happened and Reverend Derek was so funny because he pretends to be retarded at times. And then he's really funny.

And then sometimes he pretends to be way smarter because he thinks you're drunk enough to buy it there's a lot of levels to reverend derrick that's for sure uh but when i was talking about harley the stalker my stalker neighbor's boyfriend he'll come up and just start talking to me about gearhead stuff and i've at one time i did actually yell derrick he's doing that thing again and derrick walked in no idea of the conversation it's just that's just blurts out all the vernacular of fucking two-stroke engine thing and carburetor and it was but you just had that moment where you're fucking, I can tell you're sketched out and you lean a 40. Oh,

in there. And I said, Hey bingo, will you guys go get us a couple of shots of Jagermeister? Cause you and bingo can talk gear head of your actual head. But I even told bingo. That's awesome that you cued in on that because only in hindsight, only in hindsight, do I realize that I looked that you cued in on that because only in high sight and only in

hindsight do i realize that i looked like a fucking psychopath in there i thought i was just fucking being quiet you didn't look like a psychopath to anyone else i know that right only other person that noticed was kerry mitchell who we all live a life of fucking dangling on the edge of human psyche. There's none of us that are, like, there's comics that will go out and they phone in a set up at the fucking laugh stop in Tucson because they've been doing it for 40 years and it's been the same act. And they golf with the owner and that's why they get booked. They never think about anything

hey i just do this and everyone claps and i forget you know i book cruise ships and corporate gigs and they say the same dumb shit and everyone claps like almost to the level that brian hennigan was talking about tonga comedy it's almost that, but there's a market for that. And those are people who think they won free tickets. So there's those and they show up and they crowd the club and pay too much for their drinks. So, yeah, no one. Most of our close social circle are fucked. So, yeah, you notice and you work with it.

It's not like you have to deal with it it's that's the norm normality of my entire life has been people on some level of depression fucking murder suicide shut in hoarder whatever so the norm it is the norm and then for a lot of us and that's why only kerry mitchell is like fucking good eye and she didn't she didn't she didn't say what the fuck's wrong with him she's like good eye she knows i appreciate it i appreciate the cue because i i need them and you know that was good i thought i and i probably would have i would have sat there and fucking seethed like a fucking lunatic for a while until i got it but we can talk to each other down but well we didn't even have to really no we didn't have to yeah just get the fuck out of the situation bingo sat there while i fucking paced back and forth fucking like a weirdo for

a little bit and then and then we were able to talk after a bit, but it's nice. You know, I appreciate it. I wouldn't talk about this in private with anybody but my wife before, you know. Well, we are in private. No one knows who the fuck you are. Well, and I don't even give a fuck. Or me. My fans don't know who I am.

I'm a guy that doesn't have as good a voice as you. I like the guy that doesn't have as good a voice as you. I like the guy that talks like this. Yeah, it's you get emails where people try to hang on.

Chaley will edit out the dead air. Oh, J.D. Salinger. hang on chaley will edit out the dead air oh jd salinger it's a catcher in the ride and i watched a netflix document i'm not sponsored by netflix by the way it's the only one i can figure out how to use so when i go on a netflix binge you fucking cunts that email me what are you like a corporate shill no it's the one I know how to use I can't figure out my iPod has fucked me over I use Spotify I don't know how to use

Spotify I know how to turn on this podcast if it's already set up you hit that one button till it stops flashing fuck you oh you corporate corporate chill well netflix is like a tv channel now that's a medium to watch shit on it but it's the there's a million other there's hulus and all the i i figured out they don't have the same shit i don't care the point is i one is enough i don't want to learn new shit. So when I do hashtag Netflix,

it's because that's what I watched it on. That's where you can find it. I'm trying to be helpful. I appreciate it. J.D. Salinger. He fucking disappeared after he wrote, basically after he wrote Catcher in the Rye. And again, I forget my point.

God damn it. He just went into hiding. He just didn't want any part of it. Was it the judgment, maybe? No, I had a point. I went on a fucking tangent. I don't know what your fucking point was. Sorry, I was reaching.

Something you said made me think of that. All right. Now interview me. I don't care enough about other people to know how to ask questions. I used to pretend I read How to Win Friends and Influence People, and I used to use that. Oh, no, I'm listening. I'm checking my text message.

No, you go ahead. I'm just checking my – That's what you did. No, I think I said – Yeah, I already listening. I'm checking my text message. I just got two. No, you go ahead. I'm just checking my. That's what you did. No, I think I said. Yeah, I already told you about that, Jake. Hey, Becker, Becker, Becker, Becky Becker and Matt Becker just texted a happy new year to everybody. All the listeners out there right now, Becky Becker and Matt Becker up in Anchorage, Alaska, would like to play this little number for you.

Should old acquaintance be forgotten? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. All right. Fucking psychic. I didn't know you had a song. Sorry. I didn't know you were really crazy.

No, no, I didn't have a song. I was thinking about segueing into a break. Oh, yeah. In fact, I will't have a song. I was thinking about segueing into a break. Oh, yeah. In fact, I will segue into a break. Chaley will edit it. Great news, kids. The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley.

So we have tour t-shirts, podcast t-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts. Get them before we get sued. Before we get the cease and desist. And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime.

A sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawl space. Thanks for that. And now back to Now we're going to go to Chad Shank with live breaking news from the Bisbee Best of 2014 Police Beat. Chad, can you hear me? Yeah, what we're looking at is back in August, a caller advised of yelling coming from a house on Silver Street very early in the morning. The subjects were found being emotional over a movie. Police advised them to close the door and keep the volume down. Back to you, Doug.

That is the Bisbee Police Beat Best of 2014. Actual police calls. You know what, people? Listen, it's time to remain calm. Let's stop. We have to have a dialogue with the police and the people they serve. Don't go crazy. Don't get too emotional over movies. What else do we have in the best of 2014 Bisbee Observer police beat? It seems a woman in Palominas advised she'd been paying rent since March to someone who she thought was her landlady, but in fact was not. We'll try to follow up on the rest of that story as we get breaking news

coming in. Let's go to what else do we have in the field of battle? It seems in July, a man wanted to file a complaint because he couldn't get his girlfriend out of his head. Actual Bisbee police beat phone call. And one, I think a lot of our listeners will say, I felt that way once too. I wish I could call the police on a girl that you can't get out of your head.

But guess what? You can. You can in Bisbee, Arizona. You can call the police and it'll make the paper. Anyway, one last story from the police beat we have to go to break here because we have a giant sponsor coming in well one more recent one in december a caller advised that a mannequin head with a stake through it and a gunshot wound was left at the rear parking lot of the county attorney's office suspicions were dispelled however when it came

to light that security was having a training session a training session so don't panic people don't panic because there is a mannequin with a stake through its head and gunshot wounds to its face left at your door don't worry it might just be security training to put a stake through your head if you act up inappropriately we'll be back after these words TheShadyDell.com That is where you stay. If you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends.

I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at the ShadyDell.com Vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there, come to theshadydell.com. Sponsored by... I might even come in and clean your toilet.

I don't know. Well, that's all right. We burned what we forget what we were saying. But yes, I do a bit about, I'm not going to burn it now. I'm going to get paid for it. That's how I, but yeah, about the sadness of mental health care, just that I know through bingo. I don't know how the rest of the country works.

I get my mental health care through the VA. And the way I described it to them, and they pretty much agreed, was that imagine being surrounded by people that are just drowning all around you. They've all gone under the water. You can grab them by the hair and pull them up. They start gasping for air.

You've saved that one. So you have to let that one, but there's a, so you have to let that one go to grab another one. There's not, there's not a right answer. I don't think for it. I mean, it's just rampant. There's fucking too many people and they should get rid of the suicide hotline

so that people will just commit suicide and there wouldn't be so many problems. Then there's, yeah, then there's homicides. But most people, not most people i don't know the numbers but the people that are incarcerated just to get them off the fucking streets they're mentally ill yeah yeah i don't know that's just the ones that are in the system imagine the ones that aren't i mean it's my wife took me once because she i was beyond her you know she knew i was beyond whatever and uh took me in and told him you need to put him lock him up for a while to help him out because he's you know got some issues they said we can't lock you up unless

you have a specific plan for suicide do you have a specific plan for suicide get over here bingo this is a bit have we talked about it on the podcast what do you mean it's not on yes it is we put it back on i didn't know that no this is a bit like that even hennigan last night said all right you have to shorten that bit it's preachy. And I've cut so much out of it. But bingo one time, she used to be able to get locked up because she was a danger to herself or others. And I said, she's going batshit between meds. And I go, just lie and say that you're suicidal. And they said, well, if you attempted suicide, you have to have tried suicide.

That's ridiculous. You have to have come with scars, slices, gunshot. And he's got way better care than you through the VA, which is that's how bad a care bingo gets because the VA is renowned for being shitty. Yeah. Yeah. He had to have a specific plan laid out before he could get locked up for his own well my response to that was do they said do you have a specific plan and i says well i was gonna wrap my head in towels and then i was gonna put a few garbage bags over my head then i have a

pistol and i was gonna put it underneath and shoot myself in the head while laying in the bathtub so that way i didn't create a mess that wasn't easily to clean up and I didn't create a traumatic experience for people my family when they found me for the listener, Chad is not embellishing he's not a comic, he's telling you exactly what he said

that's exactly what I told them and they did not admit me she had to take me to the civilian boring! she had to take me to the civilian boring they had to take me to civilian doctors and then they admitted me but yeah bingo couldn't get locked up unless she tried do you have a specific plan for suicide yeah me or you okay you're you're easy we'll get you right in well And that's the other thing is that for some people it's not a, you know, if you... I'm trying not to commit suicide.

I contemplate it often. I'm trying not to. So if you tell me that I have to have tried it, if I tried it, I'm done. I'm not going to have to try more than once. I mean, I'm not, you to try more than once i mean i'm not you know it's uh yeah it's a but we we always come to the last conclusion of the night over white russians well how do you stop this is a social ill don't have kids it always every every topic we discuss Don't have kids.

It always, every topic we discuss, we get to the end of a drink and go, don't procreate. Because it's overpopulation. Yep. When you're in a town of 40 people, well, someone takes care of that person. Someone talks to them like they're a human being and the more people you have the less human they become and more like weeds they are they just yeah don't answer the phone let them kill themselves fuck them which i agree with completely until it comes to someone like you in the army i had to go through a lot of classes, suicide prevention classes about stuff. And it was actually one of your bits that fucking hit home

when you said, you know, young people shouldn't commit suicide. But, you know, if you're... If the movie's half over and it sucked every second. It's not going to get better. There's certain instances where it's better. I've convinced the suicide hotline that it's probably a better idea that I'm dead. I've made them

question their own value, their own life. I mean, it's weird to be in that position where you're crazy, you're mentally ill, and you're smarter than the people that are trained to help you. Well, and I guess, like you said, you'd be like a good lawyer. If I was going to be any kind of profession, I would probably be a good lawyer because I'm hard to argue with. And when they tell me, well, there's, you know, you have your family to think about. And they say, all right, now when people die, you people get over that. I've seen it all the time. Everybody sees it. People get over it. When you live with a person who's mentally unstable you don't get over that that keeps fucking up your life every day if the person was dead then three months later

they'd be like life's kind of fucking normal now i don't have to deal with all this bullshit but if you don't they just have to keep putting up with your shit every day so i remember doing a bit i remember doing a bit after 9-11 because my dad died in 2011 in march before all that and never forget 9-11 i go think about the families of the victims when you have that bumper sticker my dad died earlier this year and if everyone had a bumper sticker and every radio commercial break mentioned, don't forget. And don't forget your dad died of colon cancer in March. I'm trying to forget.

Like, I'm moving on with my life. It's all right. I'm a man now. I don't want to. Don't keep forcing never forget in my face. My mother is going to die sometime. I got to deal with that. Time heals all things yeah unless you have

a bumper sticker reminding me saying never forget forgetting is good but a lot of stuff's in concept i have a lot of stuff that you go you you're chatting with an old friend and you then one weird fat girl that you lied to and then you probably gave her herpes. Oh, jeez. Thank God I didn't forget that. Let's forget that again. It wasn't you, honey. You weren't fat at the time. All right.

Joby's here. We're shutting this down. This might go out as a podcast all on its own, Jaylee, because that was a nice... No, no, no. It was a fucking I thought that was a fantastic moment. And we'll find another one.

It's only 10 to 10. Please hold. And that was New Year's Eve. Hey! Happy New Year! We closed it by... We haven't done this in years where we... Hey, you know what?

Hey, if you're a sad, lonely loser out there, like I am most of my life, send us your Skype. We did a bunch of Skype Happy New Years for an hour and a half and actually reached nine people well a lot of it no one knows how to use skype how far away was the most furthest person we get a couple from england oh a couple good looking girls from england which was weird but maybe we're just

drunk yeah it must have been one girl could sing her ass off i don't know who that was and if you're listening to this podcast, you are fucking great. And yeah, it was fun. At first, we first started doing it, and Brian Hennigan, who's chugging right now,

chugging champagne. No, no, it's Prosecco. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think I sounded sort of ignoramus? The first couple phone calls, Skype calls, he's like, okay, next. Hurry it up, next. Go on. And I'm like, all right, Brian, you can't be negative.

The whole point of this is to, like, spread some goodwill. Yeah, fucking talk to fans that I usually run out the back door. Next. And then he ran out like, well, okay, if I'm not wanted. Fucking talk to fans that I usually Run out the back door Next! And then he ran out like Well okay if I'm not wanted And that was Then everything went well That was uncalled for I felt

But at the same time I was very happy to go back to my room And look at Travel Zoo and Travel Pony And Jet Setter And a number of other travel sites that I find intoxicating As well as alcohol Which you find intoxicating as well as alcohol which you find it intoxicating we're pretty shit faced i uh i feel strong i was drinking jägermeister just because some of the people we skyped yeah that one creepy looking guy from uh i think he's from phoenix with

the hot wife well i'll miss that one too it It was crowded in there. I ducked out. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, it was a fun New Year's Eve, and you, Chad Shank, just got a text. Which says. Which is the only reason. It's only funny. It was funny enough that I go, oh, wait, we have not checked in for this podcast. go, oh, wait, we have not checked in for this podcast. I got a group message from one of my kids. How old is the kid?

They're of age. The 23 is the one message to me first. But it was a group message to me and 18 other people. How many children do you have? I have four. One's his. Don't hold it against me. The rest are not his. This is not kinfolk.

This is... But I've raised these kids since they're like five. But anyways, my son sends a message to group message, Happy New Year. My other son, who's 21, responds to the group message, Hey, bro. Bill might have more Molly. Did you want me to see for you oops i responded with hey you know this is a group message right dumbass happy new year but i haven't

got a response yet so apparently everybody in the group message now knows that my son knows where to get Molly. You know what? Let's start hanging out with your son rather than you. All you bring are tales of violence and depression. And no Molly whatsoever. Violence and cellos.

Yeah, sorry. I'm drink. Happy New Year. I'm drink. Happy New Year. I'm drink. That's what he just texted me. You have to stamp that type of grammar out. When they're already grown, they're morons. You can't help it.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of this podcast. I don't think we have anything to add. It was a fun night. We're going to go back and fall down. There's people we don't even we have anything to add. It was a fun night. We're going to go back and fall down. There's people we don't even know at the house. There's beanie weenies that fucking Joby. Joby, don't ever fucking pour a beer into things because you think it makes it better.

It's beanie weenies. What does beanie weenie mean? Hot dogs and fucking baked beans. And he pours beer into it to make it better. And you don't pour beer into shit to make it better. It's not barbecue. You're not at a competition. We want comfort food.

We have to fall down this drunk. Joby will never listen to this. He'll never know to not pour beer into chili or beanie weenies or everything. This is not a chili cook-off, Joby. See, that's what I said early on. This is a great way to start 2015. Every update, we should just talk shit behind, remember? I said, well,

just talk shit behind someone's back. And now I'm talking shit behind Joby's back. Don't pour beer into shit. Don't start fires on windy days. Oh, yeah. He fucking did that too, Joby's back. Don't pour beer into shit. Don't start fires on windy days. Oh yeah, he fucking did that too, Joby. That pretty fucking vice. Don't start fires on windy

days. That's how they lost to Custer. Or sorry, that's how they beat Custer. That's why Brian moved here, because he's very interested in Native American studies. And he loves his wife. Alright, that's it. His American wife. That's enough of this podcast. No more lies!

All right. Hey, Happy New Year, you fucking cunts. Stop calling now. Yeah. Oh, you can call on Skype all day. I haven't used it since the last time I retired from comedy in the UK when I had to use Skype. And that boop, boop, boop, boop,

boop, boop is actually a sound that depresses me. I hear it in movies. Oh, I remember when I wanted to kill myself in the UK. Alright. You've made it a good new year. We opened with a brand new Mishka Shibali song.

Am I the only one drinking tonight? And tonight I'm not. And we're going to close with a brand new Mishka Shibali song Am I the only one drinking tonight? And tonight I'm not And we're going to close with a different song from the Matoid Because it's New Year's Eve So we'll close with Funeral Party by the Matoid See you next year One, two, three, seven, yeah Right on, baby 1, 2, 3, 7, yeah!

Right on, baby! The priest is here And the casket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man

For the last time, play it for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party. Got to go on with the funeral party. Got to go on with the funeral party. Got to go on with the funeral party. Yeah!

Alright! Now the priest is talking. And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying, we all got the groove Let's play it for the man, for the last time, play it for the man Farewell, play it for the man, for the last time, play blade for the man For the last time, blade for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Yeah!

Alright! Everybody cry! Oh, yeah! Oh, my! Everybody, the band! Great solo! Yeah. Yeah. Captured on with the funeral party Party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party