The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #57: Happy Landings…Fucked Up Airline Stories.

Episode Date: January 20, 2015

Doug, Chaille and our friend Hack Oddity from England all had strange events on their flights back home to Arizona.Links:Dylan Avila - http://www.gofundme.com/jskm4gDennis Hof’s Bunny Ranch - http://bunnyranch.com/main.phpDoug Stanhope’s Celebrity Death Pool - https://www.dscdp.comThis podcast sponsored by:Delta Airlines - http://www.delta.com/American Airlines - http://www.aa.comUnited Airlines - http://www.united.comSax Underwear - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/Plastic Jug Vodka - http://bit.ly/1ApwxkzTour T-Shirts are now available online at www.dougstanhope.com and supplies are limited.Recorded Jan 10, 2015 at the Safe House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), bingo! (@bingobingaman), comedian Brett Erickson (@bretterickson68), Hack Oddity, Jobi Whitlock (@StanhopesCDP), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille. Intro music “The Only One Drinking Tonight“ by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Funeral Party” by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Get on the Mailing List! No one is sure what the hell Doug is up to in 2015 so get on the mailing list in case he ditches retirement. Again.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one we're drinking tonight Doug Stano podcast. It's a, it's playoff weekend where we are, but it's a lot later where you are.

You already know who won you fucking assholes. We're cramming in a podcast because hack oddity from the last podcast or next podcast that we already did, depending on when Chaley puts it out. I don't remember what we did. We all seem to have good airline stories. Brett Erickson sitting in for a color commentary. I don't remember what we did. We all seem to have good airline stories. Brett Erickson sitting in for color commentary.

Bingo and I just got back from three days in Tahoe with the in-laws that you'll read about on Yelp when I finally write it up. And we flew up on Delta, my airline. My story sponsored by delta as always uh anything weird happened other than i'll just say coming home we just had two the stories ramp up don't worry our stories were kind of weak the first one that was simple is uh and i've told you before travelers that uh that one quart bag that you can carry uh all your liquids freezer bag ziploc freezer through tsa fill it with shots of vodka you can fit 10 shots of vodka mini bottles in that bag and then you don't pay for drinks so on the way up i still had some coupons from delta for free drinks burned through those burned through a lot of alcohol at her

parents house was drunk three days and just unapologetically usually i try to eh toning it down or i just drink somewhere else but we were a captive audience when they come here i can just go to a different house and get really shit faced up there kind of obvious and then on the way back i'm out of coupons so i have all my sneaky bottles in my overcoat going on our connection from salt lake down to tucson and uh bingo's asleep so i'm gonna order her club soda and my cranberry juice and then split them up so it's kind of a splash and a mix and she's gonna sleep through it i'm gonna drink them all and the uh the flight attendant comes up and before she even says drinks, beverages, she just looked at me and said, vodka cranberry, and she's vodka soda.

Am I right? And at the airport bar and the airport hotel, they know what we drink, but to have a flight attendant randomly, and I'm already like sketched out from fucking three days in tahoe and uh yeah i was gonna cheat you but uh the fact that a random flight attendant she had been our flight attendant on the flight out you know four days before she'd only seen like 15 000 people between the first time she saw yeah why didn't

you have a bag of vodka shots on the way out because we had free coupons we had the bag we had free coupons for drinks that i the bag is plan b gotcha i flew on miles which i never do because you don't get miles when you fly on miles so when when I have to fly, you know, fucking junior to a gig or my brother to the Super Bowl to cook for the party, I waste the miles on them. So this was like no chance of you're flying on miles. You're not going to get bumped up to first class where you get

free drinks. So it's like one chance I get to use my all these dumb coupons I have and I need them. So yeah, that was thank you, Sally from Delta airlines. Uh, and our other story, when we were,

uh, the first leg going from Reno to Salt Lake coming home, we, uh, we're waiting for the flight and we went behind a bank of slot machines in Reno where no one was sitting to just to be away from people and eat a stupid sandwich. I at your gate. Yeah, near the gate, but away from

where all the people are hogging, like jockeying for position and shouldering each other. I'm zone two. What zone are you? You know what? I'm fucking zone one, even freaking flyer, cocksucker. Yeah, so I'm going to sit

over here and eat my McDonald's grilled chicken wrap with no sauce, and I put my own Cholula on it. Nice. Yes. Sometimes I'm healthy when I eat McDonald's. So we go behind this bank of slot machines at this row of chairs. It's open except for one woman, a few chairs down. Chairs that's open except for one woman, a few chairs down. And two big bald guys come over with a kid who looks like the fat kid from Bad Santa.

Only he's probably some kind of half breed. Yeah, there's a little dark in him. But like a light-skinned Dennis Johnson from the old Boston Celtics. He has freckles, but still with that face of a fat kid in too tight sweatpants. And what do you call that kind of sweater? Whatever. Like a hoodie. No, no.

It's like you make blankets out of the felty shit. Velour? Anyway, it doesn't matter. We notice then that he's wearing fucking leg irons. He's got the full, he's handcuffed in the front waist and then to the ankles, and he's a kid. What kind of trouble can he actually cause? Honestly, he couldn't have been more than 15.

I'd swear, he looked 13. He looked the bad Santa fat kid age. What's that kid's name? Thurman Merman. It would have taken me a minute. That's my favorite movie. So he's just a little larger

than that kid and a little older. What they're doing is they're taking the irons off of him and then they strip the sweatshirt-y thing off, and then they're putting him just in regular handcuffs, which takes a while. So he had shackles on before, and now he's getting transferred to handcuffs. And they're putting him in a different – I don't know if it's made to order, but a sweatshirt where he can put his hands in what look like pockets so no one on the plane will know he's wearing handcuffs. But they're doing this thing

and he's doing the entire routine like he's a lifer. Where they don't even have to tell him to put his hands on the back of his head when they undo the handcuff part. He knew the drill. Exactly. So what the fuck did this kid do? I don't know.

He had no idea. I have no idea. Bingo at one point, because when he would talk, he'd mumble. And the guys were, you could tell even the cops were fucking embarrassed that they have to do this whole routine for a fat 14-year-old kid. If we didn't have a 39-minute layover in Salt Lake where we had to run to the next gate so I could get a cigarette in, I would have followed him to where they're going just to try to hear more

conversation. Literally what, what crime can a 14 year old actually commit to get that treatment? Well, they can kill people, do a lot of shit, rats on the internet. He was going to shoot up a school.

I don't know. And bingo. The only thing we heard him say was, was he was hungry. Remember when he was hungry and I had a cheeseburger after my fucking, and I just on spec. And, uh,

as I was like, because he said, they said, do you need to go to the bathroom before you get on the plane? And he goes, I just want to eat. I really, I'm just hungry. I haven't eaten in hours. It was just so sad.

And I'm like holding up the bag to the air marshals at McDonald's. And then the woman that was close to him offered something. And they said, sorry, we can't. Oh, they thought that you were teasing him. Hey, fatty. Bingo's feeding McNuggets as he's leaning back. Waddle over with your leg irons again, cheeseburger fatty. How awesome that you had someone there who speaks crazy.

But no, she heard because she was closer and I couldn't hear. And Bingo heard him say. He said, I'm a good kid. I just make poor decisions. heard him say he said I'm a good kid I just make poor decisions I'm a good kid was that with telepathy? did he speak it like a dolphin? he was so

it was close it was like they were fucking with us it was almost like a hidden camera gag the saddest possible situation what could this kid possibly do and they were on our flight so they boarded first and sat in the very back with two giant fucking pig-headed plane clothes air marshal yeah plain clothes they had a a uniform guy while they were unshackling him and then there was a when we get to salt lake there was a uniform

waiting on the jetway but he had two giant fucking air marshals it's just like protocol i'm sure it's protocol but at what point does you know just cognitive reasoning where you go we don't have to do this you we can give you a fucking cheeseburger you fat kid that we're like obviously embarrassed that this is our duty this is what we are called to action to help save freckle face what did you do at work today honey for the record he could have been half spick everyone's focused on the ginger right now oh the crimes they commit so uh yeah that's our dumb air airplane stories and we're ramping it up yeah well i'm sponsored by delta on this podcast. Fly Delta and see children being shackled and hogtied and thrown in the worst seat on the plane. That was the weird.

I wanted to go back there and go, like, dudes, you don't have to take a middle seat. He's a kid in handcuffs. Take the window. handcuffs. Take the window. He can't even recline, much less escape. You're in the back row.

So that was that. And yeah, check my Yelp reviews because now that I'm retired, I'm going to be writing a bunch of them. And you'll hear about the time with the in-laws in tahoe hey thank you dennis hoff from the bunny ranch for hooking up the bingo uh my in-laws the whole family got to take a tour we had we left a day early and they went today and took a tour of the bunny ranch and got free swag and dennis hoff hooked them up and made them feel special. And they got scabies.

Maybe they got scabies. That's the fun part. They were free scabies. Yeah. Complimentary scabies. Gift horse. Sore ridden mouth. Is that the tip?

Still tip on that? But as we ramp up, Hack Oddity, if you listened to the last podcast or the one that he was on, who flew over here from England. And I swear we didn't get to this on the last podcast, but you had trouble on your flight coming in on American Airlines. The one I despise the most because they're affiliated with US Air, which is the fucking worst airline. But free drinks all the way here. Well, that's because you're flying international. Oh, okay.

And they probably watered them down and didn't come around often enough. I'm just guessing. Mm-hmm. So you're flying. Yes. So we get into Dallas, and everything's gone perfectly well so far. Nobody on the plane. So I've got two seats next to me free so I can like lie out and like chill on the plane.

Oh, wait, that's that's Dallas to Tucson. No, no, that's that's London to Dallas. Three seats international. You and I'm better than first class. I'm a fat fucker, so I need two seats anyway. But like I've having the third helps. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I got to lie out, watch the movies sort of, you know, spread out across the seats.

It was great. Flight got in, like, 20 minutes early. So, got into the airport, checked my bags, everything going perfectly. Flight's on time. Got something to eat. Got to my gate. Just waiting. The plane's turning up in, like, 40 minutes.

I'm thinking, perfect. I've got another two-hour flight everything's going great and then all of a sudden it takes over for another hour so an hour delay and obviously no one knows what's going on people are starting to get pissed off and um the plane doesn't turn up and then it takes over for another half an hour and still no plane shows oh wait this is when you're waiting in this is when we're waiting in dallas okay i thought yours happened on the way to tucson no no this is when we're waiting in dallas and um the plane's still not turned up so you know no one knows what's going on turns out a 14 year old ginger stole the plane just took off hulk raged out and broke his shackles. Powered by a cheeseburger.

Murdered two gods. Wesley sniped his way off the plane. So eventually, the plane still hasn't turned up to the gate, but these four paramedics turn up with a gurney and just turn up to the gate and are just stood there waiting, just talking to each other. No one knows what's going on. And then all of a sudden the gate, the plane pulls in and they come over the Tannaway and

just say, there's going to be a delay on the flight to Tucson because there's been a slight medical emergency, a slight medical emergency. I'm not quite sure. Paper cut. Yeah. And so we still don't know what's going on and then they start bringing the first people off the flight the flight and the first person they bring off is this big fat like 400 pound american guy the gurney is just like almost

breaking under his weight and they're like all over him as he's coming out and he's clearly had like a heart attack or some shit's happened on the flight i mean nobody you know obviously they don't tell you the specifics i mean but he he looked in a bad way like pink fucking ruby faced as he was coming off the plane and they were all worrying about him and then they just pulled him off and then as they pulled him off everyone just sort of kind of gathered around him and almost like sort of hindered them pulling off because everyone was so bored they just wanted to have a look a gapers block at the gate yeah and um yeah so they pulled him off and then apparently they had to do some heavy cleanup

which i i don't yeah that means poo to me yeah even if i'm wrong i'm prepared yeah so they have to do some heavy cleanup on the plane which took another like hour so i got delayed another hour and then we got on the plane and you know everything was fine from there but this is possibly the way you are gonna land when you leave tomorrow. Quite possibly. I've been away for four days, but I've heard bits and pieces of what happened to you during your stay up in Tucson. I don't know where Joby is.

Joby, chime in if he fucks any of this story up. I need backup because I don't really understand American. Joby takes Hack up to Tucson for a night of entertainment. And you stayed, did you stay at the Congress? No, we didn't go to, didn't stay at the Congress.

We went to the Congress. Got that shitty Best Western. By the way, no names on this because I know. Yeah, no names. But we stayed at the Best Western, but went to the Congress, went to Flycatcher, took them around to all the bars and let him run around all right a muck all right well i heard you're drinking doubles i wouldn't know that was that was late that was that was much later but i mean just to start off

with we picked up an eight ball um we we started you know at the drive-thru hey people in other countries don't understand that you can just get an eight ball at a drive-thru. Sonic, mostly. It's part of the combo. That's why those two guys in that commercial are always so chatty. Nicely done. But yeah, we started drinking.

We went through a few bars, and then we went to Congress. They wouldn't let me in bars and then we went to Congress. They wouldn't let me in the first time we tried to get in because they only take passports from foreigners. They wouldn't take my driver's license as a ID to let me in the bar. Your European driver's license? My European driver's license, yeah. So they wouldn't accept that as my ID. So we went around to the other entrance and i tried to make myself look

a little prettier and they that worked yeah that worked apparently yeah so they let me in the back entrance and um we we got in and i was drinking just as i usually do just vodka cranberry and but in the uk you ordered doubles because it's a measured shot exactly it's a measured shot they get the tiny little cups out, they pour it in, and that's all you ever get. There's none of this free pour that you get over here where you actually get to get drunk for a reasonable amount of money, which I'm not used to.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. And so I'm obviously running off to the bathroom every five minutes to do a bump and then coming back and having another cocktail. And then I get so drunk that I forget where I am. So I stop ordering what I order here and start ordering what I order back home. So I'm ordering double vodka and cranberries, which obviously over here are fucking ridiculous. So I'm throwing them back as if I would a single.

So I get through four or five of those while still making my way through the eight ball. And then we get another eight ball because that one runs out and you're drunk and I'm drunk at this point. You're going to need that other eight. Exactly. Yeah. So we ended up going back to a party At someone's house Who I can't mention

Someone's house At the end of this It's 2 o'clock, it's closing down We've got 15 minutes before All the liquor stores in Tucson Shut down All I want to do is go to a liquor store Get a bottle of vodka

I need a spare clip You're bad for not having this Packed Prep preparing you should have prepared i should there's no last call on an eight ball you should have vodka first and then get the eight ball later because that guy's up yeah exactly so yeah it didn't didn't pan out we couldn't get vodka head back to this this friend's house. Yeah. And I'm at this point. Friend of a friend of a friend. Yes.

And at this point, I can't speak. Like, I'm sat outside with my back up against the wall with two people around me making sure I'm okay. Because I can't speak. I can't move. And I'm sort of like every five seconds sort of going to throw up. Don't actually get to the point of throwing up. But, you know, everyone's sort of worried that I'm sort of in a bad way but the gag still just hit the back of your throat you don't want to waste it exactly yeah exactly yeah so um and this house

that we were in was like freezing absolutely freezing i would say 45 degrees inside the house yeah at one point i was i know if i know where or who you're talking about, that person can't afford heat. Yes. Pot belly stove inside the house, and all she has is twigs. Pot belly already described. So I'm out, and before I get to the point where I can't speak or walk or talk or anything, I'm out in the backyard trying to pull trees down, like hanging off branches, snapping them off the tree in the backyard to put in the furnace trying to pull trees down like hanging off branches snapping them off the tree

in the backyard to put in the furnace to burn but i'm like falling flat on my back and then trying to snap them on the floor and tripping over and falling on my face and like i'm an absolute fucking disaster and um so at this point you know it's close to uh you know probably four or five o'clock in the morning i'm not having having fun. Screw this. Order up a cab. I'm out of here, guys. If you want to come back to a warm hotel room, and we have vodka, a little bit of vodka there, come with me. Everyone's like, no.

No, we're having a great time here. Okay, I'm out. I go back by myself. He bails on me. He leaves me. You didn't tell me the part where he bailed on you. He ditches me. After twice of asking him to come on back. I didn't tell me you didn't tell me the part where he bailed out joe b ditches me yeah oh after like twice of asking him come on i can't be trusted that's called you can't that's that's what joe b calls a trade round yeah exactly so i always mention death pool when joe b's on the

podcast so uh yeah i get a call from them about eight o'clock. I got an hour and a half of sleep packing up his stuff in his hotel room, my stuff. Go back to this place. Drive back there in my truck. Still a little bit wonky and drunk. But it was amazing that you could actually make it back to us. I drive up, and it's like The Walking Dead, the three of them. I get a couple of friends with him as well. But they're staggering out of this house.

Just. Just. Hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I think we missed a part that happened while you were away. Oh, we did. With a plus size lady. Yes.

Yeah, that's right. I don't remember that happening. I don't. I wasn't there, but I heard about it. Basically, I was in a situation where there was nowhere else to sleep right there was nowhere else to sleep okay there was a couch with people on it there was a bed with a plus sized lady in it um that's the that's the racially sort of the house appropriate terms yeah okay it was really fucking cold and i was freezing so i kind of had a look around and there was nowhere else

to go so i went back to the bed and i you know in for a penny in for a pound as we say or a few or a couple or 300 stone so yeah i i ended up, because my penis didn't work, because either the cocaine stopped it from working or I can't get an erection around fat people, which is ironic. No, it's not ironic. It is coincidental. No, the fact, it's Alanis Morissette ironic. Yeah, let's just go with that.

And so I ended up going down on her. Just for a place to sleep. Just to keep my ears warm. Obviously after I went down on her I was like okay you know she wanted to fuck and I couldn't because my dick didn't

work so I tried to sleep couldn't sleep and then basically that was you know Joby turned up to come and pick us up Joby's great about Joby, Chad Shank are great people to you get fucked up

and you're talking all sorts of shit and you're solving the world's problems and planning projects that are going to make us all millionaires and then you wake up with shame and you go oh thank god they left at 6 30 in the morning they're not hanging around going you got eggs i'll. No, get the fuck up. So yeah, so he was, it's good. So he came and rescued you. He came and rescued us. And he picked us up in the truck. And at this point, everything's catching up with me.

Like absolutely everything. Two eight balls. Yeah, I feel fucking terrible. I can still not, I can't speak really. No, not making any sense whatsoever. Drop off our other two friends and then then I take him, and we head back. So we go like an hour and a half drive. Yeah, we have to take a little short pit stop before we get off on I-10 for him to puke.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. So we let him get. Go, go. You let him tell it. He has to vomit.

He has to vomit a small little place by a carpet store or something all right find a quaint little spot that's out the way out of the way yeah then we jump back on i-10 and the whole way back i'm he's wait wait wait hang on no no we're getting there yeah we're getting there yeah colors are straining from his face and i'm being that dick that he's already puked at a car i at a carpet store. He's found my trigger at this point. He's hitting the brakes every now and again just to fuck with me.

Mentioning the fat chick and how did she taste. I see the color draining off. He's turning green. I like to make queso sauce. Is that anything like it? Lumpy queso sauce. We're driving along. He's fucking around. We pull off from some lights

and he pulls off in like he's driving like a Chinese person. Just like stopping, starting, jerking. Hang on. Make notes because we've already made fun of blacks, Hispanics, and Chinese. Okay. So we're

missing Jews or Islam. We'll close on a description of the Prophet Muhammad. We'll paint a picture. Alright. So we're driving along. He's like pulling off jerkily. I can't

hack it. I'm about to throw up. So I say, pull over. Just fucking pull over right now. I need to throw up. So he pulls over literally fucking pull over right now i need to throw up so he pulls over literally off the 90 like in the middle highway oh yeah the highway yeah right after the kfc and all that the next next people listening we're literally close we're still on the highway so from the highway you can see us plainly we're there in silhouette next to the highway on the right hand side. And I get out of the car and I'm like, right, I need to throw up.

I bend over. I feel the feel the fucking thing rising inside me. I throw up at exactly the same time as it pours out my mouth. I shit myself. That's what that's for the record. What Joey Coco Diaz calls the push me pull you the first time i ever met him he was talking about i'm sorry i get the flu really bad and i didn't know which end to turn towards the toilet it was the push me pull use

that was the first time i met him 24 years ago yeah so you shat yourself jump back into joey i shat myself and at this point i'm panicking because well i'm not panicking he's panicking because he's i don't give a fuck yeah but he's panicking because all of a sudden those chinese driving jokes aren't so funny he's looking in his mirror looking out for cops because we're obviously not in any position to be pulled over by the police. And he finds, I'm like, dude, have you got anything?

Have you got napkins? Have you got anything? Have you got anything to help me? An insurance card? So I'm stood. Here's my license plate, insurance, and my registration. Wipe away. I'm stood on the side of the 90 highway,

hopping on one leg with the other leg cocked in the air, pants around my ankles, wiping my ass on these fucking paper towels that he's thrown at, and then throwing them to the side. And it's just like sort of brown custard. He's fucking... You son of brown custard. You son of a bitch.

You come to our state and start littering. Yeah. Just out of the car. I won't even throw a cigarette butt out a window. But your own butt. Shit doesn't cause forest fires. Yeah. And so I managed to clean up. I threw everything away.

But the best part of it is when I got home, I checked out and I didn't touch any cloth at all. Completely clean. I managed to avoid soiling any of my clothes. Oh, because you're so fat. Because I'm so fat. There's a distance. There's like a two inch. The golden spicy brown that came out of you stayed within the wrapper.

Exactly. That's not bad. Yeah. Good work. Yeah. I didn't know how that story ended. That was one of those, save it for the podcast. Yeah.

There's easier parlor tricks. So it's one of those being fat isn't all bad stories. No, exactly. tricks so it's one of those being fat isn't all bad stories no exactly well joe b uh that night that was before you weren't here for football last weekend but he's like yeah i don't know if we're gonna i called it like four in the afternoon and joe b's like i could tell joe b's just out of bed if not still asleep and he said uh yeah i don't know because uh pretty close to taking hack to the er last night yeah we were we were this close to taking him to the er um yeah and i basically i'd like i have a slight anxiety issue but um which two eight balls in a night helps alleviate a lot

of times yeah Yeah, exactly. I felt great while I was up. You know what's weird? When you were telling me earlier about the two eight balls, I'm thinking, you know what? If I ever had like a VIP friend that wanted Coke, because normally I just say, no, just have a beer. I don't know.

It would be weird if I had to call Hack in London or the UK, wherever the fuck you live, Nottingham, and say, hey, where can I get blow in my town? Hey, I'm calling my friend England. He knows where to get blow in. It's the country code. I need the country code, anyone? Four, four.

country code i need the country code anyone for four but yeah but i'm the next day i'm an absolute fucking wreck i'm like my face is twitching my eyes are blinking open and shut without me controlling it in any way and my fingers are twitching i've got muscle spasms everywhere i feel like i'm gonna die i mean when you've got that many muscles twitching throughout your body, it occurs to you that your heart's a muscle. And obviously then that just compounds the anxiety. So I'm fucking, my heart's pounding. I'm in cold and then hot and then cold sweats.

And, you know, I think I'm going to die. I'm looking through my like disclaimer on my travel insurance for the part that sort of explains about illegal activity do i you know if i go to the hospital am i still gonna be covered or am i gonna have like a fifty thousand dollar fucking medical bill because i did too much coke and went down on a fat chick maybe her insurance will cover you because I did too much coke and went down on a fat chick.

Maybe her insurance will cover you. It wasn't the only thing that covered me. He's not the first one to die between these thighs, Tony. The little white cross is in my pubic region. I came out of it. It took me like three days of just literally lying around

watching Star Trek The Next Generation on my laptop. Soaking in the hot tub. Just like, yeah, and soaking in the hot tub and yeah.

Great news, kids. The much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour t-shirts, podcast t-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts. Get them before we get sued, before we get the cease and desist. and a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime, a sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications.

So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. I just found the perfect segue into Greg Chaley, who has the best airplane story coming in. I have the next one. It actually ended with me going, all right, before I let you report the car stolen,

can I admit that I left the keys in it for Chaley like if you leave the keys in it and i'm like texting i'm like it remember like if you report it stolen i had to hide a key under the bumper or something but that's because reverend derrick was meeting you at the airport the day i flew out to go to tahoe to go to Bingo's parents, you were flying in and so was Reverend Derek. You're flying out early and we're all arriving in Tucson where you flew out.

A little bit later that evening. And so you set up Derek because he has no money. So hey, just go to the hotel. I'll set you up with a tab. Well, our flights got switched. So then I felt bad because he has no money. So, hey, just go to the hotel. I'll set you up with a tab. Well, our flights got switched. So then I felt bad because he was going to have to hang around for over four hours after he landed.

We were supposed to arrive earlier. We ended up going four and a half hours later. It's actually longer than that. Anyway. Six hours difference from when we were actually supposed to get there, right? So I felt bad, and I said, you know, we'll just set him up at the hotel right next to the... Because you guys are going to share the car back to Bisbee while

we're away. So I get him a tab, and it's... Which is fucking cool as shit. You called the hotel. And they know us there. As soon as anything's wonky going on at the bar request, I know that they know it's you, or someone connected with you. So there was no problem. He just had to his id and so he's he sat there for a while when we

get there we'll pay for your tab absolutely where derrick just goes on to get fucking obliterated drunk by himself sitting at the bar yeah and you're only supposed to be four hours late that's what it is yes so all Anyway, the car was not stolen, but the reason that you were later than you were... It all happened at about... Commercial aircraft travels at 35,000 feet, and to get down from

35,000 feet, you're looking at a half hour, right? When they say... I don't know. You're usually passed out. This is what happens on the flight before you wake up. It goes down? I thought they drove on the land real fast.

Actually, by the time you're out, you're still looking out the window. Alright, go ahead. So the announcement is made that we're starting our descent. So it's going to take about 30 minutes. You've upgraded yourself to bullshit first class. First of all, to back up Hack Oddity's story was American Airlines.

You're sponsored by American Airlines. I am sponsored by American Airlines. Where they do heavy cleanup when a 400-pound man almost dies or maybe dies. I think he kind of looked like he made it, but man. All right. And this is now you're on United United and you've, uh,

you're, you're coming LAX to Tucson, which is a bullshit to two seats on each side flight, but they have four seats in bullshit. First class that you can upgrade to at the last minute. And you decide to, after three and a half hours, it was going to be a long day.

So it's the least you can do. Well, you got the United Club, whatever their Sky Club thing is. And your wife, terrified of flying. Drank for three hours. On heavy Xanax. And then Xanax, half hour before we got on the plane.

So everything's cruising. We're starting our descent. Until she spills a drink everywhere. I remember this part. Yeah. That was all I could think of. Don't you embarrass me like this. The steward came back over and even gave her

a bottle. Well, you spilled it. She's had enough. You've spilled it. You might as well take it with you. Mile high cock block. She's had enough. Why do you mean I've had enough? As we start to descend, the couple in front of us, an older couple,

they're in the bulkhead of the fake first class. If you don't ever fly, that means the one that stares at the wall, first row one. Extra leg room, though. But no under-seat storage in front. Anyway, so the gal was sitting and when i say gal we're figuring late 60s early 70s hispanic couple oh shit

we've covered hispanics now heebs just say they're heebs so we can offend they were jewish descent and they spoke fluent Spanish. So they're in the front in front of us, and she's at the window. And I only noticed them at this point because she's hitting him in the shoulder, his right shoulder, and saying the name Marco. Now, I'm not fluent in Spanish, but I'm figuring that's his name. She's smacking him. You didn't shout polo at any point.

You already found him, lady. So as we're descending, the head stewardess up there with the jump seat, so back to the front of the plane, I see is already strapped in. So we're getting ready to hear the landing gear she's still smacking him and then the lights come up and we're just about to touch down and i'm looking at his hand you're right you're on the aisle right behind him you're right behind him you're in two c he's in one c yes so there. So his hand is straight down. Dangling. Yeah, like someone who's passed out.

Have you ever seen that in a chair? Sitting up, it's just laying there. But every time she smacks him, it moves. But then it just goes right back. There's no muscle control going on right there. And I looked down at that hand, and I looked at Tracy, who's now – it's a little shocking to see something continue like that on and on, and no one do anything about it. Because the seat made across from them, English is a second or third language. Asians.

Had no idea what was going on. Just one person. And the guy next to me, he could give a shit what's happening. So I looked down, I go, that guy's dead. Tracy's like, no, they're natives. They've just been drinking. no they're natives they just been drinking i'm like tracy's from alaska where that is a very common occurrence to see she thinks everyone's a drunk eskimo yes uh and if you lived by coots for any length of time

gun shy did she definitely you know yeah okay then I said, you're probably right. Not even trying to investigate. Now we're on the ground and we're taxiing and we're in a smaller plane. So this is a long taxi to the gate. And she's still hitting him. And then now she's touching his chest, like holding it. But she's like. The wife.

The wife. Yeah, Tracy. Marco, Marco, Marco. Yelling Marco. And I'm like, these are like village mentality I don't think these people have been on a plane how'd they get the economy plus so she's holding his chest

to like I don't know to feel and I'm looking at his shoulder from behind and I don't see that thing where you're like freaking out and your friend might be dead wait for the chest to rise I look to Tracy and go dead You look. The heaving. Wait for the chest to rise. I look to Trace. I go, dead. So she's now quietly sobbing as we now, I'm like, I'm looking down the aisle.

It's only like 12 feet to where the steward guy is. It transcended language, the English language, because now the Asian guy was waving, and I'm doing this thing. The flight attendant. The flight attendant. He gets up, and he walks over, and two paces before he gets there, I could see his face, and that told me everything. And he doesn't even ask if there's something wrong. He just leans down and spins on his heel, goes to the telephone that usually makes the announcements. And someone went right to the cockpit.

Right to the cockpit. That was it. And then there was an announcement that no one should get up. And there was a slight medical issue. A slight. Turns out slight means possible heart attack. Desperate.

Gastrointestinal problems or dead. Dead. Very liberal. And after that, you know, they have people come on right away.

It was a classic. Someone from the back goes, I'm a nurse. I speak Spanish. She came up and she started CPR and all

that like fucking creepy machine that talks the automatic well they they put him in the they put him in the aisle they had him up sitting there working on him a little bit and then when they went to move him around it's like oh my god death there's no dignity you know he's just oh wait wait when you told me the story, you smelled a funky smell before we started going down. Really? Before he saw the dangling arm or anything. You look back on this and you're like,

did I really think that? But I remember, they're a smell because we've had incidents in the last year where fucking crude people on trains and city buses. Us? Yes. Me? Us in the Panic Tour? fucking crude people on trains and city buses. Us. Yes. Me. See previous story.

It's like This American Life. Everything's threaded. So there was a smell like a popcorn-y kind of shitty pants smell that I'm like, am I hungry or disgusted? Orville Redenbacher shit his pants in the seat in front of me, but he,

the back on the ground. Now he's laid out. They've got two, three people. They're switching off and he's clearly pissed himself for sure. And that, and that's why someone said that a guy came on the plane and said that out loud.

Like, yes, he's He pissed himself. I was like, yes. He pissed himself. Come on. They have him in the aisle doing CPR and his dead blue hand. They flipped him around and his hand

went right where my feet would sit. Then now I'm looking at that hand and all I can see is it shake. Every time they push on his chest, his hand slaps at Chaley's feet. It was creepy. And I almost took a picture, but then, I don't know. It's one of those things. What do you do?

Well, that's what I felt like with the fat kid with the leg irons. I'm like, I can take a picture real easy, but the kid's day is bad enough. I don't know how to get that sound effect off my phone. If I could take a silent, I'd have taken the picture. You gotta do the cough over it. It did turn into quite a

somber moment. It was weird. Well, they took him on the tarmac and then tried more CPR with the cops. Trying to get a plane full of people off the plane can get ugly. Imagine this guy's like 250, 260, just all over the place, and you've got people trying to get to that row. It didn't look nice. And they would not let anyone off the plane because they got them down the steps

and then... When you say tarmac, do you mean the actual runway? Yes. They didn't bring the... What is it? Jetway. The jetway.

They didn't bring the jetway up to the plane. They brought the stairs out, took them down the stairs, and they were working right at the base of the stairs. If they were nothing, they were expedient in everything they were doing. And this United Airlines bullshit was they announced it. Well, no. They offered grief.

The captain came in and said, if anyone's feeling uneasy and wants to talk to someone, the Tucson police, or the Tucson Fire Department would have somebody here to do that. And then that's when I look at Jason and I go, do you think they got sandwiches? And then I had to look back at a captain who was looking at me and do the whole straight face, like, this is a sandwich. Yeah. You're eating an egg salad face. Like, this is a sad moment.

You're eating an egg salad sandwich. Marco, Marco, I can't believe he's gone. I know I packed around his check in the bag. Did he kick it under? So they offer you grief counseling. You beat feet to go pick up the car. No, no. As we're leaving the plane, now we're all standing up and we're going. It's been at least 30-35 minutes. And the captain,

someone in front of us said, hey, what happened? He stated, they got a rhythm. We think he's going to be okay. And you said that the flight attendant said he ordered apple juice during the drink service. It's a one-hour flight. It takes about 20, 25 minutes to descend. They make that – the cart service is gone. So it was like 30 minutes.

I mean, I can only gauge it from when she started hitting him, right? Marco, Marco. She's getting pissed at him. Like, again with the dead thing. Come on. That was bad. And we could find nothing on Google about it. So United hides their dead. I don't know if we talked about this on a podcast.

I thought we sponsored them. My brother's father-in-law died at Foxwoods, he died gambling. And he sat down at a poker machine coming from the poker table to take a breath and fucking died. And you can't die at Foxwoods Casino. They will continue to try to resuscitate you until they're off the property.

Regardless of how dead you are. And then they declare you dead off the property. Regardless of how dead you are. And then they declare you dead off the property. You cannot die. If you've been dead for five years in a crawl space, they will pretend to do CPR. So that's evidently what United does. Oh, no, he lived.

He might have died later on, but it'll never make the news. How come they're working on him over there at Fast Park? Fast Park is where Derek, you called Derek, after the whole, a guy just died. I had to sit and have a dead guy's arm flop on my fucking shoes. And I bought you a bar tab. He knows where to get the car at the... A routine.

We do it all the time. A fucking quick park. And, well, the car is gone. So the, a routine. Yeah. We do it all the time. Quick parking. And well, the car is gone. So now he's calling me up going, it's not in fucking I-15 South or whatever. The 55 North. And the thing that really solidified,

it was one little thing. Had it just been there. He's like, no, if you would've just said, no, I know it's there. But you said,

Hannigan was there earlier and he couldn't find it. Yeah, Hennigan was trying to drop off shit we forget at the hotel. We were there the night before to get an early flight, so Hennigan was driving out. Long story. Anyway, Hennigan looked for the car and couldn't find it. So we thought it was stolen. But it turns out he's just Scottish and

doesn't know numbers or letters. Oh, Derek. Wasn't Hennigan there before Derek took the car? No, Hennigan left when we left in the morning. We shared a hotel. He was going back to L.A. driving. He just stayed the night so he could cut a few hours off the drive.

Derek, who landed earlier, and he set up a free bar tab at our airport hotel next to the fucking parking space, took the car out, and parked it at the hotel while he got shit-faced. So for 25 minutes, I'm like, ah, fuck, this is great.

Because now I'll get an insurance settlement and get the fucking, the one with all the GPS and shit. 2015, the Z model. Yeah. But my laptop, I left my laptop in the fucking thing and i'm like god damn it i can't start over with another laptop so it turns out after 20 minutes of the owner of the parking lot driving chaley around trying to find the car at the this

hour at fast park there are three employees i have now taken two of them to help me scour the lot go up and down every aisle we've basically they're they have a record of noticing when cars oh that's right i had left my card and i go well they should have security cameras because it would have been and we gave them the card information then they go go, oh, that car checked out at 5.30 p.m. Derek arrived at 5 p.m. Yeah. Hold off. Let's hold off calling the cops.

Hey, it's circumstantial, Your Honor. It's circumstantial. There's nothing concrete that ties my client to this crime. I walked over to the neighboring lot, which was the hotel, and one step into their lot, there's the car sitting right there. So he drove it about 14 feet to the other side of a fence. And also when I said, hey, I'm going to go pick up the car at the lot and then go pick up Tracy and the luggage, he didn't say anything but, right on, dude. Dude, cool, man.

See you at the bar. Check you later. Oh, by the way, I'm wasted. See you at the bar. Check you later. Oh, by the way, I'm wasted. He came back with an illustration on a cocktail napkin done by a bartender, Aaron, who actually stayed open late just for Derek that said, you owe me.

So that's that. So, yeah, this podcast has been brought to you by Delta Airlines, the airline of children in shackles, American Airlines, where they hyperclean the evacuations of fat men with heart attacks, and United Airlines, airline of the dead this is one thing i always wanted to do in airlines uh everyone always gets this stupid airline magazine and they go right to the crossword puzzle if you fly a lot you see it and without fail someone already did it. So if you ever find a crossword, I shouldn't suggest this.

Let me just say I fantasize about this. Fill in the crossword puzzle if you ever find a blank one with a terrorist threat. And if they catch it, just go, hey, get the words wrong. I thought it was sunny and bomb. Shoe bomber nine across. Just seemed obvious. Oh, the letters work. It just seems to be wrong.

We shouldn't make light of terrorism. Hey, let's raise a glass to... We were going to make fun of Islam at the end, remember? Yeah, yeah. What was the stupid name of this? Yeah, but so far it's pro-terrorism. What was the name of the... Charlie Hebdo?

Charlie Hebdo. Je suis Hebdo. Je suis Hebdo. Yeah, I came out of a bad roulette loss at Harvey's Casino in Tahoe. And I hadn't seen the news or had my laptop for days. And then I turned it on and it's that. And then I'm going, oh, I'm too fucked up to tweet about this. Because I know there's a fun angle to run with.

But I have to do it on my phone and if I'm wrong so yeah I missed a good opportunity to fuck with Twitter but I'm home now and yeah kill Muslims alright that's the podcast just the ones you consider

to be not true Muslims. The mean ones. What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a comedian. I don't know how to promote this. Oh, no, we can put a link on the thing, but let me pull it up really quick. Go ahead.

Just talk about it. Yeah, all right. We can put a link on the thing, but let me pull it up really quick. Go ahead. Just talk about it. Yeah, all right. We'll put a link up. I don't know how the new website's working. You know what? My retirement is a work in progress to get out of retirement. But on the website, I'll have some shit up there eventually. Yeah, some comic got beaten half to death with a baseball bat at an open mic outside of...

It's in Renton. It's in Renton, Washington, outside of Seattle. Some guy that went up as the Antichrist of comedy, and he'd go rant about the Bible with a double-headed dildo in his hand. And they banned him for being unfunny and the host the guy the guy that ran it and the guy that owned it they like hands down no you you're not gonna be Dylan this mic isn't that open right it's a slightly open mic it's a virginal mic it's an anal mic It's open but it's very tight I know anal mic It was an open mic at the local

Dylan It was the open mic at the local 907 In Renton and his name was Dylan Avila 36 Some douchebag Called the Antichrist of Comedy after he was banned, decided to hijack it

just we Hebdo style and just beat the guy tremendously with a baseball bat trying to kill him. And so he has staples and metal plates in his head and we will have a link up for Dylan Avila. I hope maybe not. Maybe not. By by then by the time this comes out it might the fucking fundraiser might be over and i i rarely retweet a fundraiser much less promote it but that guy that's a funny fucking story and what what's worse is knowing that the douchebag that went up with the Bible and a double-headed dildo was probably a fan of mine

and probably one of the multitudes of people that go, hey, take me out on the road. I can't get work anywhere because I'm too dirty. I'm too over the edge. You're just not fucking funny, crazy fuck. He does commit to a bit, though. He hid behind the curtain at the club in wait. He didn't just come out of the crowd with a bat.

He hid behind the curtain. How did he get behind the curtain? I don't know. You need a Chaley. Yeah. You need a Chaley. You need a grain room. So he was hiding.

He just waited and waited and waited for the show to start. And if you've ever sat through open mic in Seattle or any other town with a lot of population, you're going to sit through open mic to beat someone to death. You're going to wake up with the bat between your legs like Hack Oddity. What did I do with my knife?

I don't know. I tried to get through 40 comics. I'm all twitchy. I'm all twitchy. Monaco! Monaco! After 40 comics? I'm all twitchy. I'm all twitchy. Monaco. Monaco. Monaco.

Hey, Chaley, let's play the mattoid and quit while we're ahead. One, two, three, seven, go. Right on the face Hello The priest is here Hey, don't forget, help out the poor prick comic up in Seattle that got beaten half to death with a baseball bat with plates and staples in his head from a crazy douchebag open mic-er. He's Dylan, D-Y-L-A-N, Avila, A-V-I-L-A dash Pettit. Faggot, took your wife's name in a hash?

All right, GoFundMe.com. And go fund yourself, motherfuckers. And the gasket is ready. Hook, body inside. Looks nice and steady let's play it for the man for the last time play it for the man

farewell play it for the man for the last time play it for the man praise the lord and we got to go to the funeral party got to go on with the funeral party. Got to go on with the funeral party. Got to go on with the funeral party.

Got to go on with the funeral party. Yeah! Alright! Now the priest is talking And the gasket starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man

For the last time, play blade for the man For the last time, blade for the man Praise the Lord! And we got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Everybody, cry! Praise the Lord! Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.