The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #61: Doug Bitches About Vacation

Episode Date: February 13, 2015

Doug returns from the Dutch Antilles with plenty to complain about to comedian Brett Erickson and Ggreg Chaille. (Editor's Note - This podcast runs 1 hour 31 minutes. After which there is 32 minutes of extra audio Doug wanted to include.)Links:J SCOTT HOLMAN - http://bit.ly/17ts5IiAuthor GENE GREGORITS - http://www.sexandgutsradio.com/Cartoonist JOHN CALLAHAN - http://www.callahanonline.com/index.phpMISHKA SHUBALY - www.mishkashubaly.comJTComedy.com - www.jtcomedy.comSONOS Speakers - http://www.sonos.com/shop/products/play1BETTER CALL SAUL - http://www.bettercallsaul.com/DREAM BAR in the HOTEL ALEGRIA - http://bit.ly/1DNx0jxThe DIRTY SANCHEZ CREW BAR  - http://bit.ly/1CoRCKoThis podcast sponsored by:SAXX UNDERWEAR - http://www.saxxunderwear.com/Stanhope T-Shirts and SIGNED tour posters are now available online at www.dougstanhope.com and supplies are limited.Recorded Feb 08, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brett Erickson (bretterickson68), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Intro music “The Only One Drinking Tonight“ by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Back In The High Life Again” by Warren Zevon. Bonus Song “Stolen Dance" by Milky Chance. All songs available on iTunes.Get on the Mailing List! Wouldn't you like to be one of the first to know if Doug bails out of retirement?  Mailing List members are always the first to know Doug’s next move.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you are listening to the doug stanhope podcast write it in your little book is just starting in your dream journal after whatever the opening song whatever the closing song is people know they can hang around for the outtakes. That way, you don't have to worry about how to edit it. People will know if they listen long enough, they'll hear the outtakes of when we thought we should add a little more to the

podcast that we finished. Let me get this straight. We ramp right into this? Did you write it down? No, I'm fleshing it out and I'm going to write it down. Just any bullshit that we it out i'm gonna write it down just any bullshit that we go uh that'll fucking never go out after the closing song yeah and then people if they're fucking hip enough we'll know it's like a hidden track on a cd exactly every podcast drifts into all right fucking outtakes so this will go at the beginning of the next podcast

so they know you're overthinking there's good yeah well here's the problem here's the problem All right. Fucking outtakes. So this will go at the beginning of the next podcast. So they know. You're overthinking. There's good. Yeah. Well, here's the problem. Here's the problem. When you look at it, it says an hour and 52 minutes.

So you already know. But so you'd have to put in the clip on. Okay. It's an hour and 10 minutes. And then, yeah. Do you even know how podcasts no no okay i know when people said hey i saw that podcast is two and a half hours and i was like fuck that and i'm glad i listened to it but yeah i don't want him to think like this has gone already way too long i want him to know that okay it's gonna go up till the closing song.

And then there'll be a bunch of bullshit you can listen to afterwards that we either cut out or it doesn't make sense or is funny because we thought it was funny because we're drunk. And that will be at the front of the hidden track if they see that it's an hour and 52 minutes and only an hour and 10 is what we really planned. People are smarter than us when they hit play on their podcast what the doug stanhope podcast and then they'll see the runtime okay they're gonna know i'm talking yes Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything. Fell in love with love and death and darkness.

Love with love and death and darkness. If I'm a bad drunk, well, it's not for lack of practice. There is no, this is no modern romance. Cause I'm going home in a fucking ambulance. Well Well am I the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Well am I the only one drinking tonight

The only one drinking tonight The Doug Stanhope podcast back taped in the US. I was fucking terrified that Hennigan would have podcasting equipment with him when we went to St. Martin. He did have a lot of shit. He might have. In fact, he probably did, and he just didn't break it out. He did make me work one night. And then, no, we have to three hours a day. We should spend doing this, this, and this.

And one day we did three hours of shit. Like what? This is like taking, this, and this. And one day we did three hours of shit. Like what? Just taking notes on projects and shit. You know, stuff. We should map out the rest of the year. Well, we didn't. You know what? We didn't.

Wait a minute. You did. I'm retired. That maps it out. Yeah, I know. But in order for me to enjoy retirement, i have to know that he is clawing at every possible angle to do something else but he had an epiphany he told me he had an epiphany he called me when we split ways at the uh atlanta airport but i don't want to tell you now and uh

well you've been drinking on the fucking plane so i I know how your drinking epiphanies go. I have never ever written anything on a plane that went anywhere, even into maybe a couple of things. I shouldn't say anything, but all I ever remember are notes that make no fucking sense. And I spend a lot of time on planes jotting shit down because you have all the time in the world

to sit there and cocktail and have no one to talk to or interrupt you. I was going to say the same thing about being in a car and driving to a gig. You're like an eight-hour drive to a show and I'll smoke a hundred hitters and I'll be like, this joke about Darth Vader is going to get me on the tonight show.

And then you tell it and they stare at you and you're like, why I I'm with you audience. I don't know what the fuck that was or why I thought it was funny. I, I can only work out. I had a bit that I finally got working towards the end of this tour that I wrote on one of those nightmare mile grab trips where I flew to from here to Orlando to Anchorage and then decided to,

I'll go to open mic. I'm here for six hours. I ended up staying an extra day, but I went to open mic with all these notes I wrote on the airplane and fucking nothing, nothing. And, but a couple of them, I did get to work.

But just doing open mic, if I don't have my own audience now, where I can fucking riff for 10 minutes about bullshit, if I have a 10-minute slot and I know there's eight comics going, fuck, he's taking my time, man. Yeah. Look at Stanhope up there with notes. So could, yeah, could Doug Stanhope start in comedy again?

No. Absolutely not. That's basically what we did when we started in Canada last year, but not really. Not even, like, starting from scratch with nothing i've ever said before it almost sounds fun it sounds like there'd be no when you're sitting here it sounds fun like this is gonna be a fun idea and then you get there you did talk about

that because what happened was your your special was going to come out while we were in Canada, like four nights into the run across Canada, east to west. And that was the night. It was like, this is it. We were in London, and that was the last night you were able to do. London, Ontario. London, Ontario. That was the last night you were going to be able to do those jokes because it came out either the night before or that night. It was coming or that night.

I know you're not seeing it now because you're here. You were like, what time zone are we in? It was so specific. You're very particular in that way. And then after that, it was fucking go back to notes, listen to shows. But it wasn't.

Some of that shit is stuff that never got recorded on an album there's still you after you know almost 25 years you have fallback material didn't you do that in australia too a little bit oh yeah i had to because i had to cut out my entire closer over here just none of it i i tried the first night to dice that up so it made sense in australia but it's you know that's a 20 fucking minute bit that goes weaves in and out of stuff and okay the way i do it yeah every other u-turn goes into a fucking brick wall and there's no way to make a straight road out of this without just rewriting the bit so fuck it i'll I'll just write. I mean, I was doing too much time anyway.

I always do. That's your every night. Chaley, tell me like at 55, send me a shot. Have Bingo bring it up. And it's like at one hour, 25 minutes. I'm like, wow. Yeah, good thing you got that shot to him. He still hasn't drank the shot.

Yeah. Bring me a shot at 55 minutes and make me drink it. That's when we have the shot glasses. So Hennigan had an epiphany on the plane. That was probably right about the time he texted me asking me to go to Mexico and get him some Zoloft. So it might be great. What's Zoloft? I don't know.

It's not for him. It's for a friend. Oh, really? All right. But What's Zoloft? I don't know. It's not for him. It's for a friend. Oh, really? All right. But what is Zoloft? That's a depression. Yeah, antidepressant. Okay.

Oh, no, my mom's on that. She's an idiot. This is not the way you wanted to find out what Zoloft was. Yeah. Every girl is on it. He knows a girl that can't afford full price well we just got back from uh that's why he sent me the text because he'd heard we'd crossed yeah but but it was surprisingly it was surprisingly easy to get the uh the the pills that we went over there for yeah you can

say it well yes it's xanax that's all they have that you would use recreationally is Viagra or Xanax and occasionally Ritalin. There's no, like, opiates. There's no painkillers. I didn't even think. What was that thing we did on the Super Bowl? Adderall. I didn't even think. Do they have Adderall in Mexico?

No. Well, not when they used to. Adderallo? I'm sorry. Adderallo? No, it was Ritalin, which is kind of the same thing, I guess. Is it? Remember?

I don't know if you were here for that. One of the initial Super Bowl parties. I saw that mess. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hack oddity was here. And they're just be right there at those chairs. It'd just be a pile of people just chopping up Ritalin and snorting it.

I remember when we did that as a joke in the desert party, and then all of a sudden, wait, that works? I did not partake. Yeah, that was a messy day. I mean, I have. It was a messy day. Well, the desert's a different thing. You're in an experimental mode.

Every fucking episode, we go back to the desert party. I remember a Sopranos episode where he comes in at the fucking man cave. They probably didn't call it a man cave. The clubhouse. They're all talking old stories, and Tony Soprano comes all pissed off. He goes something to the effect of quit telling old stories because it just means you're not doing anything recently. That's all I think about every time the fucking old desert party stories come up i just got back from uh maho beach in the uh

saint martin in the dutch antilles waiting for that which we extended our trip by a couple days. All we did is sit at a fucking beach bars and drink. Me and Hennigan jumped in the water once. When we were very drunk. And then at the end of the vacation, aren't you glad we jumped in the water once just so we can say we did? Because that was it. At one point, I did jump in the pool at just so we can say we did because that was it at one point i did jump in the pool at the last hotel in a little pink uh children's inflatable pool ring that i almost got

stuck in they didn't have a like a proper pool like a yeah they had a pool but they didn't i didn't want it was kind of cold so i i wanted to sit there and drink a drink which i give you these little eight ounce not even solo cups but the plastic shit we make mimosas here it's fucking eight ounce vodka you're gonna be in the pool for about four minutes and then you're i need another drink that's the dutch dude when we were in amsterdam erickson was with us when we were in Amsterdam Not to tell an old story But we All of the Glasses of beer were Eight ounces or less

They were small cups of beer I think that's a European thing Where they don't need a big gulp And a monster truck To be fair, whatever it is, eight ounces, ten ounces It's the same as a rocks glass Or a high ball. Yeah.

Call it. But first of all, I fucking hate drinking out of plastic. Uh huh. And when you're at the pool, you're getting plastic. Yeah. Unless you get a beer and then you can't have it in the fucking pool. You sit there at the bar in the shade. How tan do I look?

Not very. I was just as tan from sitting outside. You probably got that on the ride back from Tucson if you were on the right side of the car. Well, you know what? I got a fix for you. If you don't want a plastic cup, try to order a Moscow Mule because it comes in a copper mug. I was so fucking embarrassed. First of all, we stayed at three different

places the first uh three days we stayed at kind of a dump which was all obviously the best one of the three then super bowl comes and we panic we don't have a plan because we figure after three days we'll find a cool bar that's showing it and everyone we ask uh you you got to go to one of the casinos like one of the the resorts so we even see it or just because to make sure the the sports bars that were on that boardwalk in phillipsburg that we were at some cool bars but even the one that said sports bar like oh do you have super bowl no no they're they're closed sunday a lot of shit was closed Sunday. So we bought off Expedia

some fucking all-inclusive, too expensive, and it was just, it was a cruise ship. Like a sandals? It was a fucking landlocked cruise ship of elderly fucking people and a buffet, and just awful. Three hours to to check in and just tour buses full of

people dropping off literally truckloads of luggage in this monstrous lobby and then by the time super bowl comes they have a 10 foot inflatable screen out by the pool with stacking pool chairs and maybe 40 people average age about 65 and you know couples women that don't want to watch the super but no one's into the game right and we're sitting there and it's kind of cold it's windy as shit i don't like wind if you don't know that i also don't like balloons we'll get to that because they're filled with wind yes it's obvious exactly volatile wind we had more people here at your house in bisbee the compound than they had at the sandal-esque resort yeah yeah it was called the uh i fucking have the thing it's the sin. I have a drinking wristband. I still have my armband.

Oh, and by the way, if Rob, some guy that knew who I was. Yeah, we met this guy and he's like, oh, I'm at the Sinesta. And I go, we're probably going to go there tomorrow for the Super Bowl. He was a New England guy. And we were going to cheat and just say it was me and bingo and it would have been way less but Brian's like you need a wristband and I went over I go I bet you have wristbands right and she goes yeah that's how they know you're good and she goes I can take mine off because my names and I'll just say it fell off and I'll get a new one and you can give yours

you know bingo can take that and then we'll just say there's two people in the room because it's all-inclusive booze and food per person. Sure. Yeah. A lot more. Like a cruise ship. It goes up exponentially. But there's two fucking Sinestas. So we went to the wrong one.

We went to one. We get in the cab and they're like, which one? And he reads them the address. It's like four blocks down from where we were we're supposed to be over at maho beach again so we ended up watching the second half of the game in the room just me and hennigan and bingo but we had fun it was a good game it was a fantastic game actually that was a great game to be in a room to actually watch the game and not have people in front of you and or whatever it's the most yeah super bowl i've watched in five six years

since we've built this fucking place no hosting it was great to just sit in bed and uh yeah and goof on the commercials the fucking clydesdale commercial actually made me well up with fucking goosebumps. That was in the first half. And I turned to the only couple that seemed to have any enthusiasm behind us. And I went, all right, all right. That one made me well up a little bit. And then fucking screaming buzzkill at the screen during the dead kid

commercial. Oh, my God. But no, you're not getting any response. You're just yelling buzzkill dead kid commercial oh my god but no one's like you're not getting any response like you're just yelling buzz kill dead kid and then no one even turns around it's like starting comedy over again exactly what it was like it was a fucking it's brutal out there terrible place doug well enough at a commercial i just think of the grinch when the black heart grows his heart grows. His heart grew three sizes that day. So yeah,

I have copious notes on all these places we stayed. The good, the bad, and the ugly that I'll save for Yelp reviews because it's the only fucking writing that I'm inspired to do. So I was going to ask you about that because you have been doing Yelp reviews. I haven't done any in a while.

But you've done some in the past. Some have been pulled down. There's one I'm putting back up, that fucking first one about that cantina. Anyway, yeah. But how would, if someone wanted to follow your Yelp reviews, can you go in? I don't know how this works. Do they go into your profile and then they can see all the things that you... Yes, I believe so. I don't

know, because all I do is write them and then I put them out on... Brian figures out how to put them on Facebook so they go to Twitter. I just write them and then Brian... Tracy, there's a computer over there. Can you just get it so we can get... I'll cut this out.

Don't even... Don't even tell her to do that or cut this out. Just get the link. Don't even... You know what? Don't even tell her to do that or cut it out. Because I have at least four... Actually, five or six that I have to write. So I want to write those before we start telling people, go check it out because I get to write the fucking things in the next couple of days.

Because if I'm going to quit smoking, I get to get all the writing out of the way now. I'm going to be sitting in here. We've moved the podcast over to the fun house because football's over. I can sit in here. I can smoke the shit out of this place. We can podcast.

I can write. I read some books. You read? Yeah, that's the whole fucking point of going Leaving the country to go on vacation And then all of a sudden I feel like a dick For A, sitting in bed till 2 o'clock in the afternoon Reading, going, there's a beach out there

And bingo's going, Stanhope, Stanhope You wanna come out? Stanhope, come to the bar, Stanhope And then I go, I kinda wanna read But I can't read. I actually brought one book that I was really into that I knew would motivate me. And then I brought shit I can read when I'm drunk. Because if I miss something, I don't care. And it was actually a guy that's kind of cool.

He sent me some shit. I don't know how to pronounce his last name But it's Gene Gregoritz Or Gregoritz Yeah So yeah he sent me a bunch of shit A while ago He's a Bukowski-esque

He's one of those just I'm a fuck up His books are all just I'm a fuck up And then I was broke in a snow bank And I pissed my pants It's just that but you know that's enough that's enough and i don't like if i if i fell asleep reading it i don't go oh i missed some stuff i better go back a chapter yeah so i know where i'm at whenever anybody talks about reading i always think of my we talked about this guy a couple of nights ago and i uh j scott holman oh yeah is one of my absolute favorite jokes and this was years ago when uh

uh uh when the uh the the movie was coming out and uh he says he's always he said oh that uh that new uh cat in the hat movie i can't do a j scott holman hey i new Cat in the Hat movie. I can't do a J. Scott homie. Hey, I do Cat in the Hat movies coming out. Someone said, hey, you see that new Cat in the Hat movie? I said, no, I read the book. I've always wanted to say that. I fucking laughed so goddamn hard at that.

And that was a pretty good Jay Scott. I always drift into Ron White when I do Jay Scott. Jay Scott, I booked him up at Coots on your recommendation, and that's when they didn't flame out. So I forgot to give you a note. That's a win. I didn't mean to steer this discussion away from what we were talking about. I fucking love that guy and that joke. Every time anyone mentions reading a book, my mind automatically goes to that joke right away yeah

there's two i read one i read in australia by this guy uh and dog days part one and it's his life in you know fucking i don't philly or baltimore and then uh and then it says in costa rica at one point. And I'm like, I'm all about Costa Rica. And then I get to the end of the book and he goes, see part two for the Costa Rica part. And I'm like, fuck. Fuck me. What was it called?

Dog Days, part one and two. Gene. I'll get that. Gregoritis. Gregoritis. Gregoritis.oritis Gregoritis Yeah that's how it's spelled G-R-E-G-O-R

I-T-S So yeah So this time I get to read part two with Costa Rica And I did He doesn't tweet much But I did tweet him Hey aside from the bullshit There's no fucking Presidente Beer in fucking Costa Rica.

It's Imperial and Pilsen. I didn't even call him on that. But yeah, it's a diary. And then at one point, he's fighting with his girlfriend and shit. Stuff I could relate to from Costa Rica. You know, me and Renee. So yeah, there's a lot of that. I could relate to from costa rica you know me and renee we had some so yeah there's a lot of the hey i i can relate to this it's very relatable and then one entry was uh february 29th

2009 at the whatever bar in hawko and uh you know hang on a second there was no february 29th in 2009 because leap year falls on presidential election it would have been 08 012 but you fucked up maybe we have a million little pieces situation doug's fact checking while he's recreationally reading i told you during retirement i believe i think we went over this last podcast or one of them. I have a strong bullshit to tell. Oh, that was the one. That was the podcast that will never air. Funyun. Oh, yeah.

Funyun only. Well, it doesn't matter. We're not going to put it out. It's not going out. That'll make it the most popular Doug Stanhope podcast of all time. Every good series, shows, or whatever it is. Some friend of ours had a friend.

He brought a friend over, and I spotted some bullshit in the friend right away and said, hey, you want a podcast? And then just undressed every part of his story. Like, you just made up all these fantastic lies. And he was a young kid, and then he ended up crying so we just we're not gonna put that this this is the amazing thing about doug is that you can at the compound you can do whatever you so open everyone understands it's fucking it's fun to hang out here but the minute you start lying it's like someone putting on airs you can't do that yeah someone is not

even you can't even be a poser but you just start throwing out bullshit lies and trying to self-aggrandize on such a phony level it's like someone dropped one of those morning breeze capsules that's sulfur yeah and then like doug's like what the fuck and he's like honed in on it let me check your shoe brother i think you just stepped on glass i think there's even people that probably come over that you you embrace they're full of shittedness because uh i won't mention names careful but yeah no no none of the regulars but you tolerate because it's fun yeah they're harmless i can name comics so we we all know uh wait you have no notebook after two decades you just all this is off the top of your head but you give them a pass because they're harmless

but yeah when i don't know you and you just walk in and you start trying to. Anyway, my point was what? Yeah, I still enjoyed the book. So I tweeted at him and I said, hey, aside from these factual. Oh, you hit him up. Oh, Gene. Yeah. Okay.

I've talked to him on Facebook once. The only time I ever go on Facebook, it's not my personal page. It's my regular page and he had sent me these books or I guess he sent them afterwards but somewhere I was stuck drunk in the middle of the night and had a decent conversation with him oh he fucking he lives in St. Pete now uh Florida yeah and where the Thunder so after after he, whatever he sent me, I searched his name, and it came up in a Google News search

of he had been busted for sexually assaulting a minor, which is kind of a theme to a lot of his books. He's like, you gotta understand, this is complete bullshit. Like, I fucking know, and I have that St. Pete story with you where i could have been in the same fucking boat exposing myself to minors which i know i've told that story but yeah i was giving myself fucking wedgies on the beach with my jock strap under my my uh my swimsuit so i'm

yanking my jock strap to right up underneath my nipples. I'd given front wedgies to myself and bloating my gut out as far as I could bloat it for funny pictures. And someone was just not amused by our drunkenness that lasted all day at the Thunderbird there in St. Pete and said I was exposing myself to kids. And if it weren't for Chaley, having been taking a million pictures of it, yeah, I'd be in the same fucking...

No, she called the cops. Yeah, wow. The cops showed up. And the only thing that got us off the hook was I had a camera that I would not let the cop touch, but I would go through the pictures going back knowing that there is a hand grenade going back because the night before. A comic friend of ours. We probably already outed him when we told him.

It's a picture of you guys doing like a plate full of blood. We probably already outed him. It's a picture of you guys doing a plate full of blood. No, he has a mid-stream pee into the Travelodge mattress. Into his own hotel bed. Standing up, pissing his own bed. Whee! Yay, I'm a champion. Get this, Chaley! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

So Brendan Walsh was there. No, it was a comic friend of ours. Oh comic friend of yours i get it let's just say he didn't have a beard at the time let's just say don't stay in room 103 at the travel lodge in orlando yeah uh or in orlando so anyway the point is is, yeah, I read that guy. And the last book I read, just because it was really quick, I read it in a fucking, almost before, I left it in the hotel. I got up at breakfast and read it by the time we checked out. It was that quick. Because it was interviews he did called Portland 8 Mile,

and it was just interviews he transcribed where he just showed up in Portland, broke, and he's a fucking scumbag. He's a James Inman of writing. And it goes backwards. So it starts out with him getting back to Philly in the DTs, begging a cab driver to take him anywhere because he's freezing, has DTs in a snowbank, and then goes backwards. But it was back to Portland, Dante's, green room, basement.

And I'm like, oh, fuck. And then he's talking to Jim Goad. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I's talking to jim goad and i'm like oh fuck yeah i've done i've done mushrooms with jim goad in that basement and then uh callahan you know the cartoonist callahan he's dead now no yeah he was uh like uh syndicated he didn't he write really dark shit i have the book up there on the shelf. Was he disabled? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He wrote with his mouth, didn't he? He was fucked up. We're spreading such fucking urban legends now.

He wrote with his mouth. Bruce Jenner's, now they're married, him and Bruce. No, no. But he was a fan. I remember one time I played there, he emailed me or whatever, MySpace, who knows what the medium was at the time, and said he couldn't come to the show because he's he emailed me or whatever myspace who knows what the medium was at the time and said he couldn't come to the show because he's disabled but he sent a guy with a inscribed book for me of his cartoons like really dark shit he was fucking great uh

and uh he interviewed him in the thing and he callahan's talking about, oh, yeah, I was on the David Tells Comedy Central show, and I'm like, I was on that same show in Portland. So it was wicked cool. His name is John Callahan. Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm reading it. He died in 2010. So, yeah, so those were fun reads and then one book called pranksters uh

mirth making in the modern world or like a dissertation on pranks yeah pranks all the way from the the original writers of the uh illuminati bullshit the uh new world order starting with the guys who wrote the Bible and working their way on up. Didn't go back far enough. Up through the Merry Pranksters and the Yes Men. So that was inspiring.

But yeah, it felt like a dick. I take vacations in my head like I should be. How the story is going to tell when I get back here. And there's no story. Hey, everyone's coming over to the house. So what was it like? It was like me sitting at a fucking bar and talking to a bartender. You find one cool bartender.

We found a couple. Smoking in bars. Smoking everywhere everywhere you love that because everything's outside but even inside i remember smoking that's kind of your heaven drinking and smoking and then the bartenders drinking and smoking at the same time oh yeah yeah that's that's the fucking that's the 70s right yeah a fucking lot of people getting drug out of bars like one on a stretcher at 4 30 in the afternoon i believe that's called carried or wheeled yeah for the first two hours they're just fanning him and shaking him and patting his head with water trying so after two hours they they finally said, fuck this. The bartender's like, his friend paid his tab,

and I said, I'll pay for his taxi. But they couldn't get him to open his eyes. And at some point, yeah, they called an ambulance. So it wasn't a fight. It was someone passed out from exhaustion, or they just had a heart attack? Oh, OK. I thought it was going to be a lot prettier, like prettier people and stuff.

There was no beach I was ashamed to walk around with no shirt on. That's hard to find. With your pulled up jockstrap and your purposely bloated belly. Yeah. Which is now always bloated like that. I was approached by two model search. That's because, you know, like your mom says, you keep making that face, it's going to stick like that. You've been doing that gut thing forever.

That's what happened with my entire fucking attitude of bitterness. This used to seem like it was a funny persona on stage, stuck like that. It's called commitment to a bit, and you should be proud of yourself for it. Yeah. for it yeah yeah so we stayed at that uh low rent joint and then that that one sinesta oh you'll get you'll get yelped my friends and uh and then we found one that was maho beach was the reason i went if i did not explain this already maho beach at one morning i woke up and i google searched beach closest to an airport because i just wanted to get the fuck out of here because it's miserable and i had time off and maho beach comes up and the beach is literally 20 yards

from the end of the runway so you just stand there and planes, you're ducking, thinking this is a 747. This is a 340 Airbus that's crashing into me. And it comes right over your head. And that's amusing for three or four times. But then it's just all these fat, tubby fucking tourists sitting there. I'm even filming. I'm like, this is the ironic way I don't want to die. It's filming something rather than enjoying it.

Like all the shit I give my fans. Just put your fucking camera away and enjoy it. I have film of Brian Hennigan filming it and then filming me and me filming. It's stupid and everyone else is doing it. And I know I'm an asshole. That would be a great way, actually. It's an ironic way to die, but it would be great to see the plane just get closer and

closer and closer to the camera until it hits you. It's like, I think that's really good. Yep, yep. It's really good. It's like seeing an airplane where it just keeps floating above your fucking corpse going. Did I get it?

Did I get the shot? How come my cell phone's not working? So, yeah, then we were there for three days going, all right, the plane thing I'm done with. Let's just sit by the pool in this fucking resort. Not high dollar or all inclusive. Didn't even include an elevator that's been broken for two years two years yeah third floor oh shit i forget my cigarettes walk all the way back to the front of the hotel walk up the stairs walk to your room coffee makers no coffee you know coffee makers that take a specific little package

that are not available in the hotel or at any stores, yet they still have a... I asked, I go, you know what, for a hotel, you know how cunty I get. I get toned down if it's not a U.S. property because all of a sudden the customer is always right thing is gone. Right. Fuck you, whatever. We got your money. So I called down immediately. because all of a sudden the customer is always right thing is gone right fuck you whatever we

got your money so i called down immediately i go i'm guessing because uh you're a five-story hotel with no elevator that you probably don't have an ice machine but i figured i'd ask anyway and they said uh oh yeah we have an ice machine it It's on the first floor right past the lobby. And I go, where's the ice buckets? Because I don't have an ice bucket in my room. They go, oh, we don't have ice buckets. People usually use bags. Do you provide these bags? Ice bags?

Ice bags. He goes, okay, sir, but wait, I'll try to find you an ice bucket. I go, don't worry, we'll come down and get it. So I sent Bingo down, and they say, oh, don't worry, they're bringing it up to your room. They're on their way. So she comes back up and says they're bringing it up. And 15 minutes later later knock on the

door and the guy gives me an ice bucket with no ice i think you have to respect that frankly uh yeah but it did have a cool bar that is i guess the place used to be a timeshare and now they've made it into a hotel property and uh the elevator they have is supposed to be an indoor elevator but it's outdoor so the guy could never fix it and they just keep having but they're they were cool dutch people a couple uh laurie and marty thank you very much for making those three days wonderful. And that's what I was talking about. Bingo is so fucking embarrassing. And I understand to an extent.

Because when you do that much drinking, where you're just day drinking, it's going to lead to night drinking. And everything's going to be closed at 8 o'clock. You have to change it up. But bingo is making them do every fucking different kind of frozen drink and what if i try and it's there's never more than six people at the bar so it which kind of makes it worse because the bartender he sits down on the other side of the bar and he's chain smoking and drinking and working on his computer.

He's Dutch and he's just complaining about everything. He's a cool guy. He's one of us. He's fucking angry. He's like you here. He's like Hennigan because he's smarter than everyone. And he's probably is. But he makes no bones about it.

And it makes him bitter. These fucking people. He's telling you stories like you've known him forever. And they fucking, I go down and I do, what kind of a fucking, I can't do a Dutch accent, but what kind of a fucking building owner? I can't give, you're the son-in-law, and I can't pay you the rent. I'm supposed to come back at 530. Fuck you.

You take the fucking money now. You're fucking. I'll tell you, this is what you do but he was fun he occasionally smiled to let you know that he's fun but bingo he just sit down i don't want to be a bother but can i try what was the thing can you blend up baileys and i don't know whiskey what's it good like i don't even want to sit next to you she's not with me yeah and so I just drink Coors Light because to make it super easy I go as a counterbalance to her and I actually said that I go out of a sense of fair play I'll make

the next three Coors Lights to make up for my lady friend. But yeah, they were cool. And again, that's all you need. It's your bartender. Bartenders out there. Fucking like Becker says, if I can get the same thing at home, you're not doing your job. And those guys did their job and made that fun. We'll take a piss and take a break and I'll complain more about.

But I will complain more about a high dollar fucking vacation in 80 degree weather where I did not have a proper coffee maker. No, you had the maker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The maker. No coffee. If I had the proper coffee maker i could have just bought coffee ah therein lies the rub don't give me a keurig machine when i when you

have mr coffee filters assholes because i'll rail about you i'll take you down you're a you're a keurig man in a mr coffee world all those fucking doug stanhope fans that were fucking racing towards the dutch antilles well they're not gonna stay at the fucking sopa pia what is it the senesta i have to look at my dad's looking at his wrist let's let's take a break hey faggots listen listen. We have merch. We have a donation button. And I don't like to ask you to do that,

but we just got some fucking numbers where we could actually do some advertising. And I don't want to do it, but Chaley could actually make really good money if I start doing advertising. I'd rather you buy some merch or donate when I say that. I hate to be the guy that says, you know what?

Yeah, no, I'm going to turn down that money. I would not even take. That would be for Chaley. We just get drunk and talking to microphones. It's not like this is a lot of out of my day. But we got to keep fucking Chaley in business.

So, yeah. Yeah. Buy merch or else. Stamps. What? What? And now back to the podcast, as I'm saying. Walk right in, head right down, and let your mind roll on. Sex!

Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sex underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know.

What's embarrassing is I think we just did 25 minutes about me bitching about a fucking glorious... What's that? 29 minutes. All right, we'll shave a fucking glorious. What's that? 29 minutes. All right. We'll shave a few out. But the fucking. I remember the best Costa Rican vacations we ever took were staying at.

Renee and I stayed at a place that was $9 a night in Costa Rica. And it was just like this surfer two wooden benches, like a prison cell if they made prisons out of wood and it was on the honor system. And it was right there on the beach and it had an outdoor shower that people shared what you

wash your feet off with, but high enough you could get your hair if you cared to use shampoo. Yeah, and most of those places in tamarindo back before it was destroyed uh yeah and so yeah when you when you spend 150 bucks on a place all of a sudden you're a cunt there was no coffee in that flop house. The $9 a night? Yeah, didn't bitch about the coffee maker. Yeah, but they didn't dangle coffee in front of you and then not have it. Again, I did not find that shithole down there.

That was what, the whole point, I'm only going to book the initial hotel, which is low dollar, and that was the best one. And I figured I'd find cool places like we found in Costa Rica that you'd never find on Expedia. You'd sniff it out once you got in town. You'd meet a cool guy at the bar who would say, you know where you need to stay. And then that never happened. Back in those days, we were partying a lot harder and taking more chances. Now I just go, all right, this seat's comfortable.

Well, we could go to that other place, but it's over across the parking lot. Fuck that. And while I was away, evidently you did a podcast. I don't know if that comes out before this one or after this one, if it's filler, but you did a Doug less podcast without me. Cause Mishka Shibali,

who does the opening song generally, we've switched him out on occasion, not on this one since we're talking about him. Yeah. Mishka came down playing with JT Habersat and White Cotton. They're currently on tour. Yes. And we'll post that in the show notes.

JTstandup.com. See where they are. JTcomedy.com. Ah, fuck. Whatever. JTcomedy.com. They're actually going to be rolling through. They're done.

They're in San Diego. Just go to JT's comedy. But they've got a lot of dates. They've got a ton of dates. Mishka's on a lot of them. And Jay Whitecotton is on, I think, for the rest of the run. Yeah, you check that out. Brett Erickson hosted three of the nights.

He's good. Jay Whitecotton? No, Brett Erickson. He's a good host. Yeah, I heard you tore it up. I meant on the podcast. I never did drop that in. We went out to the Sierra Vista night and saw some of the Sierra Vista nightlife. Sierra Vista is the closed-by town that's a military town.

Yeah, it's the one with the Walmart and a fort. And a Best Buy. Yeah. Yeah. It's your fort. A fort. Oh, Wachuka. And it's got a Texas roadhouse if you want a really quality steak dinner with the family and a big sign.

Yeah. Might have an olive garden. Well, they had comedy one night. And they didn't notice, I'm sure. No. That's definitely that's Larry the Cable Guy territory. I don't know. What was your read, Brett Erickson?

Who would be a military comic? I'm sorry. I'm stretching for references. Carol Montgomery. Carol Montgomery. She'm stretching for references. Carol Montgomery. Carol Montgomery? She does the USO. You're thinking of Carol Channing. No, Carol Montgomery.

You wouldn't even know her. You don't know her. But she does the USO. They don't call it USO anymore. I think it's Armed Forces Entertainment. And she does a lot of – she does the bases up in Anchorage as well. But he asked an Air Force or a military-type act. That would be Carol McClure.

So here, Super Bowl happened for the first time I wasn't here. And you guys were. Yeah. Yeah, it was – we had fun. But Mishka and JT and you, Brett Erickson, White Cotton, you did a show in town the night before Super Bowl. Yeah, and that was a blast. Cafe Rocco was fun, and everybody in this town was fantastic.

And then this was mentioned, so I'll just hit this briefly because we talked about this in another podcast. But Shaley and I and Tracy and Carrie Mitchell, the four of us were considering also not being here for Super Bowl, like finding our own little Super Bowl party somewhere else. So we were considering that. And then I kiboshed it because I'm like, well, hey, look, I'm just meeting Mishka and JT and Jay Whitecott. I like them guys. I think it'd be kind of rude if they let me on their show two nights in a row.

And then on Super Bowl Sunday, hey, fuck you guys. See you later. So I'm like, we can't just bail on these guys. We got to actually be here for the Super Bowl. So we kind of change our plans. We fucking hang out here for the Super Bowl. And then those guys eat a bunch of mushrooms, freak out and hide in the fucking main house the whole goddamn time and never even poke their fucking heads out. Never saw them.

Yeah. Well, the only time you did see them was when you went up to the top of the funhouse. Yeah. So we're sitting down here watching the TVs on in the funhouse and the TV outside, and we're all sitting outside. And then I don't care about the game. I don't have an invested interest in these two teams. So I look up, and I see Gretchen and some of the other fun people they're on top of the fun that looks like where the party is so i go up there and there's mishka on one of the uh lounge chairs yeah and uh jt is sitting

right next to him and then i look and i realize and they're like hey quiet on the set quiet on the set and i look and jt's got a fucking microphone in his hand with like a recording thing, and they're recording a fucking podcast on top of the funhouse during the Super Bowl, and Shaylee's right behind me, and we just start ripping on. I'm like, what the fuck? You guys are in the van together all fucking day. And now they're doing mushrooms? 24 hours a day, and now you're doing a fucking podcast.

Tripping on mushrooms. Well, see, I was ripping on them for doing a podcast but then later i found out they were on mushrooms so i i rescinded my my complaint because when you're on mushrooms then maybe that's that's fun so you know i didn't know when i first was bitching at them for being on at us at a party and doing a podcast that they were tripping at that moment. So that turned out to be a real. Well, I came home today and it was two days of travel because fucking Delta, as much as I love you, you fucking suck shit flying out of a small market

to anywhere warm. So I had to fly out of fucking saint martin to atlanta and there's a a flight an hour and a half later but since i have to go through customs legally they it's the window of time to get to that flight is too short they can't sell you the ticket so we had to stay overnight at a hotel in atlanta and then get a flight home today so it's 22 and a half hours plus the drive so yeah that's a full 24 fucking hours of traveling and i finally get in and oh the place is all nice and i open up my bedroom and jt and mishka and all these stupid fucks just blew up like 8,000 balloons, so my bedroom is filled with balloons with a kooky note. The most inventive prank ever.

Do you guys write for Jack Vale? If you don't know who that stupid cunt is. The star of the new headline news show, Jack Vale Offline. He's got his own television program. Oh, that's right. It followed the Dr headline news show, Jack Vale Offline. He's got his own television program. Oh, that's right. Follow the Dr. Drew show. Oh, he's so fucking awful that I have to stop myself. I just, for some reason, I have bloopers.

It's just one of those Sunday morning Dean Superman guy hosts. Yeah, Dean Cain. Who doesn't like Kicked in the Nuts videos? I am the guy from Idiocracy. I am fucking Dax Shepard. Yeah, and Jack Vale is like, if the flavor of vanilla was

going to make fun of something for being lame, it would make fun of Jack Vale's program. He's got a segment on Dean fucking Superman's bloopers that syndicated on like Sunday morning. I don't know. I fast forward through it. I probably seen all of them on, you know, Tosh.0 or something good.

And he's so bad and so fucking irritating that I have to stop myself because you never i you don't want to hear from someone who hates your fucking guts especially from within your industry on some level and i have to fight myself like really that's all you could come up with for a prank and you you have 10 million fucking youtube hits so yeah he walks past people and farts. That's one of his classics. Yeah, it's a fake fart machine. It's not even a real fart. Commit to the bit, cunt.

Fart. I want to see him eating a fucking greasy burrito before, you know. Bad grandpa. The extended version where he shits against the wall in a diner that's funny you can't even make farts funny you suck so fucking much that the funniest thing in the

world you ruin and so yeah my room is full of balloons because I have a phobia of sorts of balloons which is just them being blown up really just anything that could explode or if they're fucking bouncing on a ceiling that if it might i i it's the same as if someone holds a rubber band towards your face like this

you're just waiting for them to let it go it's not gonna kill you or yeah but it's that kind of the anticipation is so that's how i feel about balloons so they uh they fill up my room with balloons which it's not scary to me now it's just a fucking noise my mother did this to me when i lived in la and she lived two apartments down and she thought it'd be cute because she'd go to the dollar store and hoard there were all these like inflatable rabbits Easter rabbits like Mylar the Mylar ones or

just I don't remember what they were actually made of but she filled up my apartment with them because she thought that would be funny and when you get off the fucking road like all that travel and shit and now your apartment is full zero creativity to it When you get off the fucking road, like all that travel and shit, and now your apartment's full. There's zero creativity to it.

But in L.A., the apartment's a curse on. I just opened the door, and I just chucked them over the fucking balcony. We used to say, well, just put it out for the Russians, because in West Hollywood, it's a gay and or Russian neighborhood. Never both, but gay or Russian, and they would scavenge. So you'd just be tired of something, and you'd set it outside. We have tape of, like, what won't they take? We put a fish tank with a lubricated dollar bill or $5 bill, but smeared it in Vaseline and watched the guy pick it up and try to wipe it.

They'd take anything. So within 15 minutes, 120 stuffed, blown-up Easter bunnies are gone. Here, how the fuck? I don't want to lay down at some point My shit's And you put my mail behind the balloons Before

Yeah so I had to go through I'm not bailing out on the fact that I think It's funny that your mail was on that side I just I wish I would have got all the mail Back there because you actually Were able to enjoy some of the mail Before you had to go to the balloons So I went in with two knives and I just started stabbing.

And I'm so physically awkward that I'm like, I'm almost hitting myself in the thighs. If the balloon doesn't pop, I'm getting more stabby if they don't pop. And then I'm like, I'm going to fucking stab myself in the leg. So I have to really be careful. It sounds to me like careful. Well, hitting. It sounds to me like the prank's getting good. Well, hitting a balloon that's not held down.

Sometimes you will bounce around. And I thought that was a very, very possible scenario where you actually would cut yourself. And that's why I left. It. Yeah, I left. It, uh, yeah, it was, uh,

it was really irritating. Mission accomplished. But no, the, what, what hurt the most is when you explained to me that they did this on mushrooms, they had all these balloons and they blew them up.

Like you wasted a fucking mushroom trip with the least creative Jack Vale prank. I just spent all that time. If you were shit faced, I can imagine you. Ah, it'll be funny. And then you go,

I was really stupid, but you're tripping. You're fucking tripping your balls. Oh, man. Yeah, there's coyotes. There's lions. There's so many levels to this. Yeah.

They should have at least taken a shit inside of one of the balloons. I did realize later I could have just fucking opened my bedroom window and just thrown them all straight out the window, and they'd blow all over the neighborhood and for the Russians. Yeah. Everyone who's against the plastic bag ban. There'll be an amendment for the Stanhope clause. So that was,

yeah, that was, that was my nice return home. Thankfully your fucking lyrics are better than your pranks mishka uh yeah what else pop i got a lot of uh i tweeted uh tweeted that uh oh i'll now be accepting tweets via snail mail please include a self-addressed stamped envelope for a retweet. So I got a bunch of that and a bunch of other shit.

Musicians and stuff sent some CDs and whatnot. I haven't been through all of it, but yeah, we'll listen to those and either plug them or throw them out the window. So you tweeted for people to send you something. I just said I'm now accepting tweets uh via snail mail at 212 van dyke street bisbee arizona 85603 and then you forget you did it and then you go away for a couple weeks and then oh you sell a lot of self-addressed stamped envelopes that are going to get someone else's mail. Hey, remember the someone's getting 10 bucks. The guy who sent me 10 bucks and said, buy a beer.

Well, I'm going to retweet that to someone else. The important part of the self-addressed stamped envelope is the stamped part. Yeah, some guys forget to put a stamp on. But it's the whole point is I'll never go to the post office. If you go hey i live in fucking hungary and i'll give you a thousand dollars for a fucking autograph picture i'm not gonna go fill out fucking customs paperwork that said hey this is where a stamps.com commercial could probably come in handy but fuck them i don't even know how that works

so so yeah that self-addressed stamped envelope thing. If I just have to stick it in a fucking envelope and go out to my mailbox, yeah, that's probably too much of a pain in the ass, too. But I can talk bingo into doing it. What else? I broke my fucking phone. My phone fell victim to alcohol-related domestic violence. Nope. Why? Nancy Grace. It was Nancy alcohol-related domestic violence. Nope.

Why? Nancy Grace. That was Nancy Grace-related domestic violence. But it was alcohol-related. Absolutely. I would not watch Nancy Grace sober. I had to. She was part of that.

She's not blaming me. It has to be Nancy Grace's fault because you're drunk every night, but you don't punch your phone to death. No, there was something. No, because my fucking phone. No, no, I'll tell you what happened. I'll tell you what happened. I'll tell you what happened.

You were going to punch your computer. Wait, hang on. We have to back up to the fact that my phone had some update that I was not allowed to not allow. Your phone's going to update. Shit's going to change. It's going to happen now. Now we're fucking and

and then it just started i don't want you to fucking update i want the fucking phone i bought i don't want a new phone if i want i don't want to have to it takes me so long how to to learn how to use the put the phone down put the phone down put it down set it down set it down for some reason during nancy grace which i was only watching because I had to call in to Dr. Drew, who was on my side. It was a nice night. I was pretty drunk, but I don't think he could tell. You know, it was a champagne drunk. So it was a classy drunk.

It's harder to detect. Yeah. It was a classy drunk. It's harder to detect. Yeah. So at some point, because of Nancy Grace and Dr. Drew that I had been watching and fighting with, I tried to do something on my phone, but that didn't work anymore because of the update. It put the auto correct on, which, oh, all of a sudden, duck country? No, fucking cunt. Yeah.

So, yeah, i smashed my phone i didn't think i smashed it that hard but it all went away i understand in in the in the fog of what was happening at that moment you don't realize you were almost through you had the laptop and you had lifted the laptop up and you were going to smash it and i grabbed it because dog smash there was something going on where we've been i have so many laptops we brought we brought old laptops that i've smashed out to the shooting range and just got footage of blowing them away with shotguns and all joe b's arsenal of fucking semi-automatic weapons you're like the drunk hulk instead of getting like muscly and green you're like wrinkly and gray but just as angry

we couldn't get we couldn't get uh internet access in one corner of a hotel in this shitty fucking hotel one time and in the time that doug walked in through the hotel like through the door first and then i had the bags come in and i turn around to shut the door he had punched the screen and it just shattered and then he just like i'm gonna go smoke and that was that was like i've done it i've done it now there's nothing to fucking elvis with tvs you couldn't get in to make a fucking bet on like sportsbook.com or whatever your betting thing is. And you were fucking – you were trying to get something in. Yeah, it's definitely time dependent.

Definitely. But what happened was after the Nancy Grace, Dr. Drew thing on HLN, you had lifted the laptop up, your current laptop, and you were about to smash it. And I grabbed it, and then I was fixing whatever. You couldn't get past something. You just had to reboot it. It was not to get all technical. Boring. And at that point, I have it on my lap, and I look up, and now you have the phone, which has the update, and you've been fighting with it.

You were talking to the customer service, and you were doing that whole fucking thing. And you basically did that thing where you're like, I'm going to smash it. And then you held back, and then you went just straight down, face down onto your coffee table, which is thick wood, not forgiving. And you picked it up, and it was basically that same thing. It almost is impossible. Basically that same thing. It almost did what is impossible. When someone smashes a radio in a movie and then it kind of goes.

That doesn't affect the station. Right. But that's what my phone did. It showed parts of a screen and then those parts faded. There was one last sad face emoji that like faded out half face emoji splintered yeah i was and then that was it you just like you like picked it up he's like uh that's it and but there's nothing you can do at that point you know it's you're fucked and you're leaving the next day to the dutch antilles yeah so i had to go to the at&t store where anthony didn't know fuck all about phones. He's as

dumb as me. Put the wrong card in. I'm like, your SIM card thing. There's like two cards in it. I go, do I need the other card? Oh, you don't need that. And I'm like, I don't trust it. Probably, I do need that. Well, you kept that. You're an Android guy. Yeah.

So just to give some... So then I go back after I... because I immediately go to the Goodwill across the street. Fucking see what's up. And before you go to the airport to go to the left really early because that fucking AT&T store, it'll take them an hour to just sell a guy a fucking phone. It's almost as bad as buying a car. The amount of shit. So if there's three people in front of you that's two hours yeah so i left wicked early and i was the only guy in the store and

it still took me almost a fucking hour with anthony and then i go turn on my phone over and i'm waiting for it to you know everything's gonna update and load and i realize i have no numbers okay why don't i and I go back across the street, Anthony. Oh, and then he, do you still have that phone? The other card,

the other card, the one that you said I don't need. Yeah, I do. And that still only gave me, I'm pretty sure it's just the numbers. I put on the SIM card since I had the phone. I smashed before I, since I smashed the last phone before.

So I'm, I'm, I'm missing a lot of numbers. I just got lost. What the fuck? If he's, if Doug's known you about two years, so anything I added in two years,

but if I knew like Chaley, I didn't have Chaley in there. I didn't have, if Doug's known you more than three phone smashes ago, he does not have your, I don't have your fucking number. So, yeah. And I have that on my outgoing message.

Hey, I fucking smashed my phone, so leave me your... But everyone texts you now. So I have a million text messages from phone people I don't know. And they say, my number is this, but they don't say who they are on the text? No, no, no.

They text you, so they don't get the message are on the text. No, no, no. They don't get the text. Oh, they don't get the message. Oh, yeah. I would never hear that. Right. So that's my reason for not getting back to you. It's not like we talk anyway. This is working out great.

You need to be on like a once a year phone smash, like a schedule. Yeah. You'd be fucking down to like three numbers. That one lasted forever. I had that one for a while and yeah that last that last computer i smashed i thought i learned my lesson but you know we were over at the uh one at the safe house and uh you you have a lot of computers that just are laying around. We need to, like you said, you go to the range. There's in the crawl space. But you fixed a bunch of them.

And you did nothing with them. Well, you labeled them. That's why I said we can have one of those just set up to leave up for that fucking sound thing you have going on with the Spotify or something. Yeah, yeah. So that way it gets rained on. Let's give credit. It's Son sonos the sonos wireless uh system you don't have to give him credit you

paid for it yeah fuck him let's give him a plug all right wait hold on wait a minute let's give him a plug if doug doesn't smash his phone after he tries to play a song yeah then it'll work that will be the test thank you for setting up all my iPod shit. Right after the balloons, he's telling me how now I can play all these things. I'm burned out. I'm burned out anyway. Right through the door. You're going to go pop balloons, and then you're going to try to explain to me how to work a sound system.

Yeah, I knew it was going nowhere. to try to explain to me how to work a sound system yeah i knew it was going nowhere right when i i don't know i i had not nearly enough dumb shit to watch on my dvr to fucking tone me down to let me come out here bar rescue there's a fucking bar rescue i'm like oh bar rescue's back on it was a two-minute teaser but somehow my dvr fucking recorded you fucking i got i got tricked the same way on the dvr the other day because i saw oh better call saul is already on my dvr it's already happened i fucking missed the and it was the same thing it was oh hey it's going to be on next week preview okay well i don't i do appreciate the fact that you're letting me know because nothing sucks worse than like,

oh, fuck, I forgot to record that. So many shows that you watch come out every 18 months. Fucking Boardwalk Empire. The cycles. It used to be you could get used to when the NBC, ABC, CBS. You would have the cycles. What the fuck are they? Yeah, they do 39 fucking shows a season

So it lasted all the way until May 17th episode Not episode but series The season That's what I'm looking for It's only been on for 7 years Well the season They did 2 or 3 seasons in a calendar year

Yeah We're breaking up the last season of Mad Men Into 4 seasons It's half a season. They did two or three seasons in a calendar year. We're breaking up the last season of Mad Men into four seasons. Each season will be half of a show. Enjoy it. Can't believe fucking... Not only is General Hospital still on... My wife is still watching it at the house right now. Yeah.

Because when we're loading up for Death Pool and she mentioned fucking Luke and Laura. I remember that from when I was like 11. 1983, I believe. Oh, well, that's when that was. I mean, General Hospital. No, no. Yeah, but the big Luke and Laura thing.

The Luke, yeah. Luke's still around. The marriage. What we're talking about is the fact that my girlfriend wife is still heavily addicted to General Hospital. And that guy is still on it. Still on it. He's the main dude, man.

And not only that, this is what they're doing right now. This is their storyline right now. Is that he's not only is he still on it but there's bad guys who have super elaborate luke masks and they look just like him and they're doing some crazy sketchy shit and luke's trapped somewhere else the real luke hidden like this is kidnapped or something how fucking bad can this podcast get first i complain about my fucking overpriced fucking... Hold on, hold on. What's going on with Luke? You have to watch the show, you guys. Some deep shit going on

in Port Charles. I did not get a good enough tan in the Dutch Antilles, and now what's happening on General Hospital? This is the fucking biting humor that sent me into a fucking trailer. You really are the edgy comic we've heard. Do it. Tear apart Days ofgy comic we've heard. Do it.

Tear apart Days of Our Lives. Go for it right now. Hang on. Give us five minutes on Days of Our Lives. That's over. Is that still on? No, I think General Hospital is the last one on, isn't it? I don't know.

I only say that because I thought the last one that was on was gone. I thought there were no more soap operas years ago because they made a big deal. I know. Yeah, they got rid of all my children And some of the other ones Erickson, how do you I mean, God bless you, man How do you fucking How can you stand that? That is on

Do you realize how much There's something you could be watching Watching a bunch of guys from England. Kick a fucking ball around for 90 minutes is every bit as stupid as watching General House. Fucking Arsenal Tottenham tomorrow. Yes. Yes.

That's a big one. Yes. I'm a fucking hot. That's the North London Derby. What's hot spur? Tottenham hot. That's their mascot. Yeah.

Occasionally they have a mascot. It's a bird. It's a bird. So, yeah, I'm fucking Tottenham tomorrow. Do. That's their mascot. Yeah, it's a bird, dummy. Occasionally they have a mascot. It's a bird? It's a bird. So, yeah, I'm fucking Tottenham tomorrow. Do you have a team on that? Do you have a dog in that fight? No, I don't have a dog in that fight. I'm definitely, when it comes to Tottenham Arsenal,

I'm definitely a Tottenham man. All right. Because I'm anti-Arsenal. And I will be. The late game is... Liverpool-Everton, which is the Merseyside Derby. Some serious shit, people. Everyone knows that.

Everybody knows. Don't state the obvious. Well, Liverpool is the big team, and then Everton is the other team in Liverpool. So it's the Merseyside Derby because the River Mersey cuts through Liverpool, and one team's on one side, one's on the other. They fucking hate each other. Hey, UK, fucking follow some at BrettErickson68. Yeah, I'll make fun of your stupid football team.

Okay, well, you know, generally I would say Everton for sure on that, but I'm going Liverpool because I know the filthy uncut Scotsman is an Everton fan for whatever reason and hates the coach. He hates the coach of Liverpool, and he used to love the coach of Everton, David Moyes, because David Moyes was Scottish. So that's the only thing he cares about. All I care about is fucking whoever Hennigan's for, I'm against.

So go Liverpool. Hate the Beatles, but I think your team can make up for it. Speaking of Liverpool, they have a song they sing all the time and their motto is you'll never walk alone and they sing this song you'll never walk alone the whole stadium sings it every fucking game and blah blah blah well i guess i don't know how uh how uh how factual this actually is but there's a picture of a guy who's an english soldier who got like his leg blown off in back in syria or somewhere and he had a liverpool tattoo that said you'll never walk alone but the part of his leg that got blown off is the alone part so now he just says he will never walk so i don't even know

if it's a true like it might be just a a Photoshopped funny idea someone had, but I laughed so fucking hard when I saw it. I'm like, if that isn't a real thing, someone needs to write it into a goddamn movie. That was fucking beautiful. General Hospital. Luke. Yeah, Luke will do that next episode. Plugs. Oh, here we go.

Goddamn it. The dream bar. There's my ears. Oh, here we go. God damn it. The dream bar. Here's my ears. Oh, okay. Oh, well, of course, the first plug is the podcast. Greg Chaley. Keep Greg Chaley doing the podcast. We got signed posters, merch, T-shirts, other shit.

Merch? You have the Brett Erick cd merch available on your website we could we could if you had any wow oh i have a bunch of them i'm selling everything every month everything must go that's all that's all i have to do is fucking take one overpriced vacation there's the picture of the guy's leg blown off with the you'll never walk alone, but it's hard to read, but the alone part's gone. If that's Photoshop, that's damn Photoshop. It looks real, right?

Yeah, that's real. So, back to merch. Yeah, back to merch. We've got the Last Gasp Tour posters. While they last, you're signing them as long as the orders come in. We'll do that. Yeah, and whatever else you come up with to sell. while they last. You're signing them as long as the orders come in. We'll do that. Yeah.

And yeah, whatever else you come up with to sell fucking furniture. You got to get rid of this. These fucking cocksuckers. At one point, I was on the road, and they put a couch in my house. They took out a couch and put a couch in there. Yes. They replaced the thrift store couch that no one ever sat on that was just you know a dumping spot yeah and replaced it somewhere they

someone found a last supper couch which by the time don't even fucking email me going i want it it was a mural of the last supper a full-size couch shitty it's actually a day. It was a mural of the Last Supper, a full-size couch, shitty. It's actually a day bed. It was a mattress. It's a mattress, yeah. That someone made a tapestry of the Last Supper that it's wrapped in, whatever, the upholstery is the Last Supper, and the backdrop is also the Last Supper, the back of the couch.

And then finally, I'm like, we're getting rid of this fucking thing. Put it outside for the Super Bowl, for the outside TV. And after that, it's going by the dumpster and leave it out for the Russians. Only here, they're not Russian at all. Sinoidans. Let's put it on eBay. Oh, yeah. Shipping.

I'll ship that fucking thing I'll ship it put it on fucking Craigslist why not eBay Doug Stanhope's last supper couch that thing weighs like 800 pounds it's all yours don't worry about that

it's all yours my friend you are the Russian you just fucking bought a couch for nothing no no i didn't buy a couch i'm selling a couch and it's gonna be on ebay i'm saying it's doug stanhope's last sub you have to you have to sit on the couch for the picture doug stanhope's i'll do a burt reynolds style bourgeois 1975 fuck yeah carrie mitchell and i actually need a couch. No, no. We might be sleeping on that couch, so you're going to get a good couch.

You'll get a good couch. Not to say that the Doug Stand-Up Last Supper couch is not a quality fucking mattress. I'm pretty sure you just said that it wasn't. I just said it. Horrible. I'm selling it. eBay. You sell it.

You need the money. I need the money i need the money that's again every fucking time i try to retire i do one dumb thing like fucking take a vacation and spend wait we had to give the fucking dream bar at that last hotel and i can't it's the the third the third hotel that yeah with the no elevator, the Allegria at Maho Beach. Fucking scumbags. The no coffee in the coffee maker? No elevator. No elevator?

Okay. Yeah. No, I'm trying to keep track. Fuck it. Yeah, they... What was my point? The Allegra means happy, by the way. You had to give them at the Dream Bar.

Allegria. Oh, the Dream Bar, which is a cool part of the Allegria. Oh, Allegria means no coffee. Sorry. It's... Yeah, the Dream Bar. The fucking Marty and Lori that own it. We gave away two bottles of vodka that we had from we got duty

free thinking oh yeah we'll we'll make our own drinks sneak down to the beat we never did any of that we sat and bought their fucking seven dollar fucking drinks and then at the end gave them all of our vodka we're not gonna bring it, you can't take it back, right? Not without checking it. And then they charged people $7 a drink. Yeah, what did like a rum and coke, like a regular? Really? Yeah. Fucking nailed it.

Well, see, you just said it. Oh. Yeah, I just said it. Pay attention. I was right. Your Honor is leading the witness. I was writing down the Dream bar and the Allegria. Yeah.

So, yeah, the dream bar and the Dirty Sanchez in Phillipsburg. That was the first bar. That's where they pulled the guy out by ambulance. The Dirty Sanchez. Yeah. And the first hotel. That was it. It was a dump.

This was a beautiful thing. It was a dump. This was a beautiful thing. It was not a dump dump, but I got fucking copious notes. You'll find all this shit on Yelp eventually. At one point, it's no smoking. The only one that really said or enforced no smoking in the room. It was a dump, and there was no remote for the TV, and the bedside lamp didn't work and i i gotta read you know that's the one thing i'd like is the lamp to work electricity

is good it wasn't a dick or anything but i called up and they sent a guy up and he's this fucking monster fucking the the that scary caribbean black that fucking murder in your eyes fucking and it's not even like a racist thing there's it's a this is an island thing yes this is it's a scary thing it's a fucking i i smell weakness yeah it's like when henry phillips my dog henry phillips not the comic looks at you with those king kong eyes yeah like oh she's... You fucked up now, buddy. It's prison yard. You know who to... Yeah. Yeah.

It's a whole different fucking story. And he came up smiling, which is even more off-putting. And he's like seven feet tall. And I go, he's like, what's the problem? I go, there's no remote. And I'm smoking outside on the deck. Not deck, but the fucking walkway. It's like a what's the problem? I go, there's no remote, and I'm smoking outside on the deck. Not deck, but the fucking walkway.

It's like a motel. Right. And I point to the lamp that doesn't work. I'm standing outside, but my cigarette is in my pointing hand, and that lamp doesn't work. He goes, no smoking in the room, sir. My hand just crossed the door jamb to point at the lamp, and he lays down the fucking no smoking in the room sir my hand just crossed the door jam to point at the lamp and he lays down the fucking no smoking rule like oh you just fucked up that's 250 bucks yeah god knows last

time the only other fucking time i've been to the caribbean was uh nassau because it was the only place i could get to on delta that i didn't have to fucking overnight one way or the other that was recently though right it was last year okay yeah and uh yeah i went there and i fucking got suckered into the free lunch timeshare fucking proposal and i said hey bingo let's just fuck with them because they won't we you can't get from the front of the casino to your room without them fucking with you every single time come on man when you're gonna get the free lunch man and uh let's just get the free lunch and fuck with them and then within 10 minutes i'm like it's not even worth fucking with them but by then they've already

got a copy of my credit card and when i got home somewhere when i was drinking in nassau i bought 6 700 worth of ceramic floor tile oh nice now i've done some crazy things when i was drinking but i think i'd remember 6 700 worth of ceramic floor tiles. Those will look good in the rape trailer. All two tiles. So God knows what I'll get for fucking leaning a cigarette over a door jam of the Seaview Beach Motel. We'll get to all that. And Uncle Diddley.

So yeah, that's that. I remembered to rob that guy I met at the Dirty Sanchez that day that your wife kindly took off her Sinesta bracelet so we could try to cheat them. We tried, but we went to the wrong one. And that's that. We'll have shit online. Anything else we need to talk about?

Everyone's giving me shit about this fucking rehab. There's a lot of chatter. Yeah, there's a lot of chatter. We have to figure out a plan. See how long you guys are in town. I'm getting the fuck out of here as soon as that happens, dude. Honestly. That doesn't interest me at all. Yeah, I'm not starting until you leave. you guys are in town i'm getting the fuck out of here as soon as that happens dude honestly that doesn't interest me at all yeah i'm not starting until you leave

it's a good idea it's kind of a mexican standoff here who's gonna break first but so far i still have nothing on the calendar so yeah every uh every plan can be reconnoitered but i gotta start soon i get to the point where just that day drinking leading into night drinking usually all right if we're gonna day drink here i know at seven o'clock i'm just gonna take a fucking xanax and fall asleep to netflix and then just watch netflix on was like, oh, you have to day drink and night drink and that's all you're going to do. And I got to the point where I can't think of any kind of alcohol I could stomach right now.

I fucking flew home sober, kind of. You know, the irony is you left here, the compound in Bisbee, Arizona, and flew 17 hours to the Caribbean, the compound in Bisbee, Arizona, and flew 17 hours to the Caribbean, the Dutch Antilles, to do exactly what Brett and I have been doing since you fucking left. I know, it was pointless.

I had fucking plans. I'd walk the beach and shit, but the beach wasn't walkable. Both the beaches were. You could see from one end to the other. There's not a speck of sand on you right now. You don't even fucking have a tan. I have more of a tan from sitting out under these beautiful fabricated palm trees than you do.

And you went somewhere to get a tan. Yeah, the fucking bar, they put the awning down. They cranked down the awning. I'm like, I'm getting sun on my back. Why are you cranking the awning down? Fucking cranky. Because you went to a hotel with a bunch of old people and they all have melanomas.

They need to get the sun off themselves. Yeah. And they don't know what sunblock is. I don't feel like I missed anything by not going out. It was one of those. All right. We drove around. I looked out the windows.

I can profile it. Yeah, I didn't miss anything. Oh, you should see the French side. Why? Because there's a T-shirt shop next to a fucking. They're more rude over there. Yeah. So that was that.

Thank you very much for listening. Wasn't even planning on doing a podcast, but you got one anyway, so quit your bitching. We'll fucking set up something good before I go into the rehab. Play something. You know what?

I was gonna... Here, play this. This is depressing. I fucking love this song. We've never played this, and no one knows it. This is the original song I hate, but this version is Warren Zevon doing Back in the High Life by Stevie Winwood. This is a fucking monster.

That's a good song. Where's your phone? Give me your phone. This is a song. Hold on, give me your phone. The Sonos system, I'm going to play it for us right now, but I'll put it in. All right, well, this is the perfect song for me

to be going into a fucking 6x12 foot trailer for 30 days to quit smoking and pseudo rehab. Keep that crashing. Tim can't sound in there. I really like Warren's Yvonne's take. It sounds great. I got it. I got to figure out how to work this thing.

Hold on a second. Oh, here we go. No, it's on. It's on your. On here. This mobile device. Hold on. This is how quick it is, guys. Come on, Warren.

I bet it'll come up in my fucking contacts. Wait, I had his number? I can't find the song, but I got his phone number. What's my plan? Oh, man. his phone number. What about playing? Oh, man. No, I haven't. Fucking Sonos.

Do we turn it down? Turn the volume all the way down? Oh, fuck. Way to go, dumb dumb. No. It's saying... God damn it. It's saying that you don't have the digital rights to play. He's dead.

I'll get it off Spotify. Hold on. What album was it on? Lawyers, guns, and money. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope on the Doug Stanhope podcast I'm looking for a new tech guy If you're Under say 40 years old

And Talk like you know how to fix everything And can That's discrimination You just entered my age into it That's ageism Ageism. That's ageism. Ageism. Empty your ashtrays every now and then, you fucking pig.

It used to seem to me That my life ran on too fast And I had to take it slowly Just to make the good parts last when you're born to run it's so hard to just slow down so don't be surprised to see me

in the brighter part of town and I'll be back in the high life again all the doors I closed one time will open up again. I'll be back in the high life again. All the eyes that watched me once will smile and take me in. And I'll drink and dance

With one hand free Let the world back into me Though I'll be as sight or see Back in the high life Again again you used to be the best make life be really and I hope you're still out there

like you used to be. Have ourselves a time, we'll dance till the morning sun. We'll let the good times come, we won't stop until we're done. And we're back in the high life again. All the doors I closed one time will open up again. We'll be back in the high life again. All the eyes that washed us once will smile and take us in. We'll drink and dance

with one hand free Have the world so easily We'll be a sight to see Back in the high life We'll be back in the high life again All the doors I closed one time Will open up again We'll be back in the high life again

All the eyes that watched us once Will smile and take us in You're live. Oh, no, I was just catching up on news since I've been away. And Warren Sapp, I get a tweet. Evidently, Warren Sapp heard your bit about the transvestite hookers and i'm like oh fuck what happened there but like i'm on my phone so i i didn't want to news search but then i found that story uh it was in phoenix so that's another tie-in yeah beat up some uh hookers or something i like warren se. It's almost as heartbreaking

as the Brian Jennings or is that Bruce Jenner? No, Brian Williams. Brian Williams, the NBC Brian Jennings. How did I get fucking Jennings out of that? Why are we recording any of this? This isn't

recording. We're just fucking talking. Brian Williams lied about the Iraq... Go, go, go. Something happened to him in the Iraq War. And he should be thrown in jail, because that's what we do to people who lie about the Iraq War. We throw them in jail where they belong. But not the people who start the Iraq War.

You see, you didn't get the joke. Those people who started the Iraq War also lied about the Iraq War, and no one cares. All right. I'm glad this isn't going out. Yeah, I don't know why we're recording this, but I just wrote this down. Just push that button and we'll stop it.

This would be a fun thing to do for the 30-day rehab wherever I do it. The tin can rehab, I think, is what it's been. Yeah, but I might fucking move it over to that other house where I actually have access to shit it's been. Yeah, but I might fucking move it over to that other house where I actually have access to shit like a

toilet. Yeah, stuff like that. Refrigerator. Yeah. So I don't have an excuse for snapping like waking up at six in the morning, freezing my balls off because it's some weird fucking. I think that would be great streak. And then I go fuck this.

But for every part because I want to do a 15 minute podcast every day uh for 30 days just whatever 10 15 minutes every day 15 i thought you said 50 10 to 15 minutes whatever a short podcast every day but it would be fun to do a a battle of the obscure Doug Stanhope's iPod bands to open and close, like, just all the weird shit no one's ever heard that's on my iPod. The stuff gets handed off at the merch booth. The stuff that I put on a fucking iPod at my iPod at a party, and then within three songs, someone's going,

what the fuck is this? Oh, your actual picks. Yes. Oh, okay. to open and close and we could do brackets somehow i don't know how it works like a march madness sort of fucking yeah yeah 16 seed against a one seed we could do a uh a voting so like if you're gonna do a 115 minute podcast every day for 30 days is he really if you want to do that every day you produce 32 days and uh then it's 64 and we can do actual brackets fucking flashing the cell right in

front of you this is great because what we can do is we we release the podcast in the morning and we'll set it up so it goes out every morning and then we can do a voting but okay hang on yeah you do a voting through woo box on facebook all right done okay but no math on our part all right then what i'll have to figure out the brackets so instead of like east west it would be like uh faggy like uh rocky wicked obscure and something else and four categories music from people who actually handed me their cd at the end of a show right well we'd have to go back and friends we'd have to go back and find those not a lot of that shit that's how i found mishka that's uh fucking molotov jukebox i only found them randomly because we did a bbc radio sunday morning thing that they have a comedian and a musician and a guy and everyone talks in a round table and they were the band and

and they all go out and get shit- faced afterwards at noon on sunday and you know it sounds great to me you fell in love i fucking still i'm in love with that lady did she play the accordion yeah okay that's what it was yeah mama's got a squeeze box yeah yeah and doug likes the screws box filthy girl, you can smell her through the YouTube clip. Fucking yeah. Patchouli and BO. And rum. And, oh, I was wondering what the liquor du jour was.

Rum and pussy? Isn't that a new Calvin Klein fragrance? Rum and pussy? Yeah. Unwashed hippie pussy. Oh. But that somehow she makes it sound good. No, it's fucking beautiful.

Are you... That song is a smile. Bingo says she's the fucking sexiest woman she's ever seen in her life. And pictures don't do her justice. That song, Double Dare, is a fucking smile through your ears. It's awesome. And that girl, she's famous.

That's probably the gayest thing you've ever said. No, I've said gayer. And you've said gayer. This is one thing you missed, Doug. Blow off in my ass. While we were gone, we went to Sierra Vista. I wanted to make some t-shirts

for the Cafe Roca show, so we had to go to Joanne Fabrics to press on transfers. That's the gayest thing you've okay wait it gets gayer it gets gayer so we walk into you don't have to tell the story he wasn't we walk into joanne fabrics and shaley and i are you know tracy and kerry mitchell are like behind us like 20 feet like women should be when men are walking um so we walk into joanne fabric into joanne fabrics so we walk men lead the way into joanne fabricsrics. Men lead the way into Joanne Fabrics.

We walk into Joanne Fabrics, and then immediately in the aisle is a display of tiny – It's called the Point of Sale. It's right when you walk in. It's an impulse buy. You're off point right now. So there's these tiny little mason jars, and as we're walking past, Shaley stops me, and he grabs my arm, and he goes, these would be perfect for those little cakes I make. I was like, what the fuck, dude?

You know what? And they would be, by the way. His cakes are delicious. First of all, the fact that you had to put the affectation of that. No, that's how he said it. He didn't lisp when he said it. Or grab your arm. We were holding hands. I it. Or grab your arm. We were holding hands.

I can imagine him grabbing your arm. I grabbed the four half pint box of mason jars, and I said these would be perfect for this little case. You said it with way more excitement than that. I definitely was excited. I wasn't trying to fag it up, but you were very, very excited. Why don't we start this as a... We got to do like a collage of the Marilyn Manson podcast.

We got to pull tracks and just drop them. I don't know if we do it all at once or we just drop them in occasionally. From your four-hour Marilyn Manson. No, he's not even talking about that. The four-hour Marilyn. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Oh, really? No.

No, just pull out pieces of it. Get Laura Kimball to tell us what parts to put in. She's the only person that's heard it, and I tuned out after the first hour. That's why it would be funny to just take non-sequiturs to drop in yeah don't even listen to them first just take a chunk at random and say all right we're gonna listen to it's actually it's in my fucking notes of things to do while doing a 30 day fake rehab here's how we could do the uh the Hidden track thing Yeah they'll know the overall time And they'll know it's still there

But if you put in there A long enough silent pause You just make people Fucking wait No that's Dramarama did that They had Back when tracks for CDs They would have all the tracks

And then every second was another track So it was 110 tracks on this one album and at the end was a song called you're still here right see but if you make someone listen to five minutes of silence to hear the rambling drunken bullshit that's the quote hidden track then at least they because most people even if they know it's there because they know the runtime they're three minutes into silence. They're like, well, fuck this. I'm done. So right now they're like punching their podcast machine because they're listening to this.

They won't even be able to listen to Bill Burr. What's the payoff? What's the payoff after sitting through five minutes of silence, Mr. Stanhope? Us pretending we're listening to Go Go Bordello when it was really a different band and we didn't even know. That's funny. It's not funny it's sad i have to go through my goddamn ipod and find 64 songs i can pit it against each other oh easy that you've got you've got everything on three computers i got like tim curry no one fucking knows tim curry i know that's that that's one that always plays the actor oh you know what pa set up assholes your time has come it was one of the best stories ever that i've probably told before one guy fucking actually emailed me and

said stop saying you probably said this before we listen to your albums over and over again thank you that guy You gave me confidence. Rare burst of email confidence. Do you know the story? Shouldn't you save it for when you do that song, when you pit that song against another one? No, because no one's going to listen to this. This is a hidden track.

It's a hidden track, dude. We're not recording. There's a movie by Tim Curry, with Tim Curry, called Times Square. Fucking would have been straight to video if video existed. 1980 or 81. It was straight to trash can back then. And there was one greatest soundtrack ever.

It's got fucking Joe Jackson, Patti Smith, people I would have never heard of if not for that movie. And there's a song by the two characters that's part of the movie. The two. It's kind of like. It's actually in the plot of the movie that the song is. Yeah. They're.

What was the two chicks in the mental institution with Winona Ryder? The girl. Heather's. No. I'm thinking. Two girls. And it's like that earlier. And there. Girls. Heathers? No, they... Porky's Revenge? No, two girls and they escape. It's like that earlier.

And they're... Whatever it is. It's like that, but from the 1980s and it stunk. And one girl is a daughter of a mayor and the other girl is this punk rock cutter chick and they escape and they're on the lam and she's the mayor's daughter. So it's a big kerfuffle and they, the one girl's a punk rocker.

So they make this punk rock song and it's spick nigger, faggot, bum. Your daughter is one. That's the name of the song is your daughter is one. And it's only part of the movie because they play it. Tim Curry's the DJ that lets him on the air. It's a stupid movie.

But there's one riff in between lyrics where the dirty girl in the song says, Assholes, your time has come because I'm a time bomb and i'm gonna explode all over you people speak nigger faggot banjo randy peoria illinois jukebox fucking comedy club banjo randy you're you're on stage i'm with banjo randy in the green room oh it's before the show what's his name the fucking idiot is piping the people up and it's hecklers. Maybe you were on stage. Maybe I was, maybe I was the idiot.

I know it's just, it's, it's a like chaos show of yelling and screaming and I'm back fucking pumped up and banjo. Randy's going to come up and play with me. And I, I just, I just said to myself

assholes your time has come and banjo randy finished it yeah say because i'm a time bomb i'm gonna explode nobody in the world has seen this movie if i met tim curry and said you know what i loved you in that movie He wouldn't remember doing that movie. And Banjo Randy, the most obscure lyric that you could ever imagine, knew the fucking lyric. Black eyes to you, fucking Nazi. I'm sticking pins in your brain. I'm manslaughter and you with voodoo.

Can you hear the drums? Can you feel the pain yet, faggot social worker? And Mr. Pearl, you with every rotten tooth in my head, black eyes to you, fucking Nazi. Pins into you, Smee's sister voodoo. That's the

boring part. That's the mayor's daughter. I think assholes, your time has come would make a great Doug Stanhope special. That's the new one. Not written yet. I'm going to explode all over you people. It's weird. We have Fleischmann's plastic jug.

We have Crown Roost plastic jug and Vitale plastic jug. And they're all open, but none of them are finished. People are going, I'll try something else. So we've got so far the extra podcasts after the closing song. Marilyn Manson clips

from the four hours. And I'll pull randomly. I don't think you listened to it to try to pick something. No, I tried. I tried to find something interesting. The reason it would be really funny. I'll tell you what. I'll give it you listened to it to try to pick something. I think you randomly – No, I tried. I tried to find something interesting. The reason it would be really funny – Hey, you know what?

I'll tell you what. I'll give it to you to listen to, and you tell me what to play. I'm not arguing with you about this. I'm saying that you don't have to listen to it. You just randomly select a time. You go 1 hour and 22 minutes, 15 seconds to one hour, 22 minutes and 47 seconds. Here's what that sounded like. My point is that I have 30 days.

Yes. Absolutely. So I can listen to it and just go. Oh, yeah. All right. From fucking 1224 mark to the 1448 mark. There's two minutes of fucking weirdness. Play that.

Okay. And then vote on songs. Brackets. I love that. All right. Hidden tracks. Hidden tracks. What do you mean?

Extra podcast. What we're doing right now. These are possible. This won't air. This podcast should be called this won't also uh that's a great idea actually i wanted i wrote down straight to trash can from earlier i was watching john mccain at that hotel at the Atlanta airport this morning. I mean, he's talking about whatever ISIS or fucking something. And that guy's like 80 years old and he's still like coherent and vibrant, vital.

It's your congressman. And I go, I could just not drink like if i just didn't drink i'd probably be smarter and get stuff done just by not drinking like how easy would be to go okay just don't drink and i'd probably just get into a groove and then so productive yeah you'd hate yourself then i hit the airport bar. Bingo. Got that first class seat. I thought for sure she'd have forgotten the bet.

Which was? I'm like, fuck it. That she gets all. She gets the first class. If I get bumped up. He gets one. She gets the rest. She bet three against one, and she fucking beat me. So basically, your 12-step program was you figuring out

that you're going to probably become smarter by not drinking. I just watched John McCain, and for a minute I went, well, because it was morning, and I've been day and night drinking for a whole vacation. From the curb to the bar, you came up with a plan, and then right when you hit the threshold of the bar, within line of sight, you decided, fuck that. Yeah.

That's good. Well, no, no, no. We get to the Sky Club, where it's free. That's the problem. First class, would you like a drink before we take off? Oh, and those cunts can't? Yes. I have to.

I have to. Two. Not to mention your gallon thing with 12 airplane shots. Yeah, I didn't even bring a traveler. But I did actually start drinking back in coach. But I paced it. An hour a drink. I had to drive.

At one point, hey, is this bullshit or not? At one point Hey Is this bullshit or not So I fucking Get up at that last hotel One night I'm pissing

And I noticed This fucking Powder Fucking chopped up On the back of the toilet Bank Where are you at The last hotel

In Maho Beach Yeah the one The no coffee maker Dutch Antilles Yeah And Allegria Bingo's got all sorts of Back fucked up The one with the no coffee maker, no Dutch and Tilly's. Yeah. And Allegri bingo's got all sorts of back fucked up. So she's got volumes and I go out and she's been erratic. But you never know when she's been fucking day drinking all day when you were saying, oh, just go to breakfast by yourself.

And she had 17 cocktails or you don't know. go to breakfast by yourself and she had 17 cocktails or you don't know so but she she went to bed at like three in the afternoon and now it's like 2 30 in the morning and she's been out the whole time and i go honey have you been chopping up your ballyons and storting them no no no oh this fucking chopped up white powder on the back of the toilet tank. And we've been here for two days. With no room service. You've got no people coming in. No cleaning.

There's no cleaning. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't let Scandinavians into my room to fucking clean my room, much less those fucking murder. I'd fucking Caribbean Negroes. and murder-eyed fucking Caribbean Negroes. Someone tweeted me that. Stan Oat must really be retired

because on his last podcast, he referred to some kid as a half-nigger. That's because it was hack. It was talking to Hack Oddity. Not only do we call a half-nigger, it refers to himself as a half-nigger or a half-faggot, depending. And it was like, all right, he was a half-ginger, half-nigger like you, because you only have gingers.

Anyway, the point is... What is the point? The point is the fucking Caribbean blood-sucking Negroes the powder on the back are equal to Scandinavian housekeepers. In your eyes. In my eyes. I would not. So she swears no. And then the next morning, afternoon ish.

She comes out kind of drunk. I'm reading my book. I'll be down. It's only 1230. I got 40 pages left in this book. I'll be down. It's only 1230. I've got 40 pages left in this book. I'll be down to the bar. Why are you bleeding from the nose?

Side note, like Columbo. She's got blood coming out of her nose. She wipes it with her finger like this and goes, I'm not bleeding from the nose. I go, there's blood on your finger now. Look at it. She goes, no, there's not. You can't argue with that.

And then she goes back in and comes right back out. And on the other side of the same nostril, blood is coming out again. I go, you're bleeding from the nose again. Were you picking at something? Yeah, I was picking at something. I go, honey, were you chopping up your Valium and snorting them the same as I had asked her the night before? She went, yeah. And I go, I asked you that last night.

She goes, I swear to God, that wasn't me. So she still, she got the idea from you asking her. I got the idea from you saying that. But, and then she came back out. I swear god it wasn't that wasn't me this time so her original answer is no but that is a really great idea and both you know her lying is as plausible as me giving her the idea. We should have a fucking lie detector. You can get them. I know we can get them, but I'm fucking retired.

I can't keep blowing money like this. The fucking cash cow of my audience is no longer. Once you sell that Last Supper couch, you'll be able to, maybe you can barter it out for a lie detector. No, he gave me the Last Supper couch. Yeah, well. I know. And you can barter it out for a lie detector no he gave me the last supper couch yeah well i know and you can barter it for a lie detector he's got to make money interesting trades accepted you should do that no cash this will only be a trade trade only last supper couch for question mark craigslist. Can you do?

No, no, no. This has to be on eBay. More people will see eBay because Craigslist will be local. Shipping a 600 pound couch. My brother does it all the time. They're just dead bodies. First of all, it's more fun locally because we can get someone on a podcast. There's nothing locally that we don't already get at the thrift store.

And half the stuff at the thrift store is stuff you put there. You don't know who. The people that come over here are not the people who live on Craigslist. I hear what he's saying. Honda Trail 70 is what he's saying. Oh, that would be nice. I'm saying you could get someone. You could get a good story on the podcast.

A minibike. I want a minibike. I've been looking at them. They're like $1,400. Shelly wants to break his collarbone. He doesn't know how to the podcast. A mini bike. I want a mini bike. I've been looking at them. They're like $1,400. Shaley wants to break his collarbone. He doesn't know how to do it. So he's trying to buy a mini bike. I desperately want to break my collarbone while saying.

You told me you was born with no collarbone. I want to break my collarbone while saying. Whee! This is great. Totally worth it. Smash. Oh, and now I need a couch to lay on. Yeah.

Damn it. The irony. It hurts more than the actual pain. So now I have to sell the couch barter only? Yeah. Now you have to sell your mini bike. After you break your collarbone, you have to sell your mini bike back to get a couch. It's like the hole in my bucket.

You know how we had that whole deja vu? Dear Liza. We both had the Gogol-Bordella versus Molotov jukebox conversation separately. Isn't that weird? Isn't that weird? Wouldn't it be weird if this were Brian Hennigan's epiphany? Yeah. Is trading out the last summer couch.

Or you guys should do the podcast and just keep on talking after it's over. That's my epiphany. That's the epiphany? That's the epiphany. That's where the really good stuff comes in. Maybe we start doing that as a 64 bracket. Hey, here's the first podcast versus the second.

Which one's funnier? Can't we do voting on Facebook with WooBox? Yeah. Oh, really? The same way you set up my iPod to work perfectly? That was a bust. See, we're on the edge of the range

of the wireless because everything's contained indoors. Oh, that's right. You fixed the other house. Yes. The other house. We gotta get more houses. And still, you don't know your neighbors. My John Stossel thing aired

and I just only know from a few emails. I didn't know. I didn't promote it. Were you on it? Did they say you were on it? Just via satellite and like three sentences. Like a picture of you in the corner.

Yeah. I was talking into a camera from Tucson to New York. Did you say shut your mouth? No, I didn't. I didn't have time. Let's just kill this and fucking take notes properly sax underpants and that's not the only merch i also have uh stolen bibles from the dutch antilles one of which is in three languages so maybe those go up we don't know all three of those languages utter bullshit, by the way.

Turns out it doesn't matter which language the Bible's in. Still bullshit. I don't know. The Dutchman seemed to strike me. So we can sell four Bibles. Those are from the Dutch Antilles right there? Two of them are from Atlanta. Like he said, four from the Dutch Antilles right there? All four of them? Two of them are from Atlanta.

Like he said, four from the Dutch Antilles right there. They will be for sale on the website, dougstandup.com slash store. How about just the one? Just save that one until we're doing your auction thing. I don't know. It's weird how a Dutch Bible is mostly about windmills. You know,

in the regular Bible, there's not that much about windmills, but in the Dutch Bible, it's almost all... They crucify Jesus on a windmill with tulips at his feet. With tulips. They throw tulips at him. Stabbed him with a tulip. Jesus creates energy. Finally.

Not just hype, but he can power your house. Close it. Somehow. In case I use this, close it. Why? It's a fucking hidden track. They'll know it's over by the... We should have... we should all wander away what's our recording for another 20 minutes and then nothing should happen what's the

we'd need a closing song for the hidden tracks play the i i'm going with no i'd go with stolenolen Dance. Milky? Milky Chance. Milky Chance. Shouldn't talk about it. Shouldn't talk about it. I want you. We can bring it on the floor. I've never danced like this before.

Shouldn't talk about it. I want you by my side So that I never feel alone again They've always been so kind But now they've brought you away from me I hope they didn't get your mind Your heart is too strong anyway We need to fetch back the time They have stolen from us

from us Bye. Shouldn't talk about it. Coldest winter for me No sun is shining anymore The only thing I feel is pain Caused by absence of you Suspense controlling my mind I cannot find the way out of here I want you by my side so that I never feel alone

again I want you we can bring it on the floor we've never danced like this before. We don't talk about it. Dancing on. Build a boogie all night long. Stoned in paradise.

Shouldn't talk about it. Not want you. We can bring it on the floor. Never dance like this before. We don't talk about it. Dancing on. Build a boogie all night long. Stoned in paradise. Shouldn't talk about it.

Shouldn't talk about it. I want you. We can bring it down the floor. Never danced like this before. We don't talk about it. Dance alone. Build a boogie all night long. Stoned in paradise. We don't talk about it. Set them home, feel the boogie all night long Stoned in paradise Shouldn't talk about it Shouldn't talk about it Thank you. you