The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #63: Doug Stanhope / Kristine Levine SwapCast

Episode Date: March 31, 2015

It's a SwapCast when Doug (@DougStanhope) and Kristine Levine (@kristinelevine) meet up in a Portland Red Lion to dicuss horrible hotels, a book in the works and Mother. Also participating, Andy Andrist (@andyandrist) and Bingo! (@bingobingaman).Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded Mar 27, 2015 at the Red Lion Inn Lounge in Portland, OR with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Kristine Levine (@kristinelevine), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist) and Bingo! (@bingobingaman).Links-Kristine Levine - www.kristinelevine.net/ Andy Andrist - http://www.andyandrist.com/Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Welcome to this special edition Doug Stanhope Christine Levine Swapcast direct from the Red Lion Lounge Portland, Oregon. Featuring Doug Stanhope, Christine Levine, Andy Andrist, and Amy Bingaman. We join our show already in progress. We were here at the Red Lion because I remembered we had to check in. It was, oh, your room won't be ready for 30 minutes. So we came back down to this bar half a mile away. Which is the Red Lion. The Red Lion. Gorgeous.

If I have not already said this, it's in my top five fucking day drinking bars that are attached to hotels. Well, not only was your room not ready, the bar was closed. The bar was closed. We've been over that. It wasn't going to be open until four. That was the big deal breaker. That's what pissed me off at first, where I go, can I just get out of this? And Kunti Jarvis said, no, sir. There's no

refunds. That's all right. Don't worry about it. Don't, don't, don't. Andy, just let it, let it go. Creating more problems, dropping that mic all over the floor, then you're helping. That was a walk-off. That's a... So we came here, then you're helping. That was a walk-off. That's, uh... So we came here, then we went back there,

and that's when we tried to... Yeah, we found a million problems. Like, all right, I'm getting the fuck out of this room. I'm not paying for this room. It's 62 bucks. It's not a big fucking deal, but it was the principle of the thing, and it was how cunty Jarvis was.

And a number of other things, like the ice no ice machine it's a cunty chain because i stopped in there and they had no coffee at noon and the guy was like kind of smug about it like well no we take the coffee away at noon like fuck you ramadi you're right they are ramadan it's it's it's between yeah between noon and four. It's all Mormon. No caffeine, no alcohol. I don't know what he's got going on there. We're a dry hotel. Yeah, dry.

Not even ice. We're a shitty, depressing place, but we don't serve coffee. We can't be out. Don't yell at me. So we check out. I book this place. Fuck you. I'll get my money back through Expedia.

I can beat those Indians down. And I couldn't. And bingo turned over some tall ficus plants on the way out. John, you guys were fucking a mess. Yeah. Fuck those fake plants. You were pissed off. I was pissed.

And then I called fuck face Jarvis afterwards. And I go, you know what? First of all, the downstairs reeks of fucking weed smoke. I threatened to hey, let's bring the police in. Well, you tweeted about a bunch of it. Well, afterwards that's when I got back here. That's

when I met the two old ladies that were here and they go, we recognize you from the lobby there. And then they were telling me how Jarvis was given some old man shit for whatever reason saying sorry your room you're not going to have that room and he's like well I booked it weeks

ago and he's like I'm sorry sir he's like I have no place to go I booked this online and I told those ladies that it's better off they didn't get bed bugs you just have to drop bed bugs the word bedbugs cures any, like if you put bedbug in a Yelp review,

everything else that you could say positive about the place, you give it a 10-star review out of five and go Jarvis was the sweetest guy. He was so charming. I didn't even mind the cacophony of bedbugs marching up my urethra in the night. And the tickle peas it gave me in the morning. It was fine because Jarvis was the sweetest bird-looking...

The Ramada ends a lot like the Hotel California, minus the pink champagne on ice. It's just a shithole you're fucking stuck in, and your wife's there, and the fucking champagne on ice. It's just a shithole you're fucking stuck in and your wife's there and the fucking dogs and shit. Yeah, it's a fucking... It's called... You know why it's called the Ramada? They shortened it from Ramadan, which is, you know, something for the Muslims.

There, in fact, isn't our... Andy, that would work if we had racist listeners. Oh, no. Put that in a Yelp review. You don't need to use that on here. Musuliums. I'm sorry. Did I say it wrong?

Didn't they try to say they were going to call the police or something because they were pissed off at you? Because you tweeted it? Then I talked to them after I booked this place. We came back to the good place, the Red Lion. Top five drinking bars of all time. I should know the name of this bar, but it's the to the good place, the Red Lion. Top five drinking bars of all time. I should know the name of this bar, but it's the fucking

Red Lion Bar at the Red Lion Airport. You can't even access it without driving through like a parking lot. And it says there's online or track betting or off track betting.

It used to be off track betting. They don't have that anymore. We can race each other around and put money on it. We had money on how late you'd be and I took the over that you'd be over

40 minutes late and you were an hour, full hour. Bam, on the took the over that you'd be over 40 minutes late, and you were an hour, full hour. Bam, on the money. Like clockwork, you're an hour late. So I put that, I called Jarvis, and then I said, you know what I'm going to do, since you don't want to, if you don't want to refund my money, you want to be a little cunt man about this fucking 60 bucks,

then, like, it comes out of his pocket. You know, you're fucking, you're not Mr. Ramada. You just you're being a cunt because you have a fucking name tag that gives you authority. You have a bigger name tag than the other guys and a different colored Oxford shirt. Right. So I said, well, what I'll do then is I will give my hotel room keys to the homeless and I'll let them stay here because I'm staying at the fucking Red Lion, bitch. And he said, well, if they do any damage to that room, I'm going to charge your credit card.

I go, I don't even know if they'll be in the room. They might be up front in the hallway cooking sausages over an open flame. Not my problem. So then he said, well, sir, now you're not only kicked out of the hotel, you're also still not getting a refund. So I went, all right, we're going to have to put this to the killer termites, which I

hate. Listen, my fucking Twitter base, I know you're fucking relentless and I hate to use you for petty $60 skirmishes with a fucking beat nose fucking failure, man. But we did. They came through and just put on Twitter

this guy, not only was he refusing me a refund, but these two old ladies, we met the two old ladies that had a beef there and also witnessed an old guy. And I go, what's wrong with that man? And so I go, I took a picture of the two old ladies. I said, there was also a bully to these old ladies. Maybe you can help straighten this out with the phone number of the Ramada, which you know their phone did not stop ringing.

Even like Duncan Trussell tweeted me, and he goes, I'm trying to get through. I can't get through. It was like saying caller seven. Yeah, the tour manager of Manson's. I'm fucking calling this cocksucker right now. What was really funny is when I dropped you guys off, and we caused a mini stir up just to the room. And then you guys were just going to be here to relax and read.

And I was like, they're not going to stay. It's trouble. It's trouble. It smelled like trouble. But that's the lobby of the Ramada. It smells like something. And you try to piece it together. And it's like meth and urine and Jarvis.

Jarvis is failure. I don't know if this is part of what got fucked up when we were talking about it before, but that fucking thick weed smell for an entire block of the first floor. I don't care about weed, but if you're allowing people to smoke weed that blatantly in your hotel and you don't give a fuck, that means it ain't Willie Nelson on the other side of room 124. Well, it's also not July in Oregon. Because in July, we're going to be smoking weed in the fucking Ramada. That's for the losers.

Yeah. You know what? If you've stayed there, I can suggest, if you've stayed there and had a bad experience like me, leave a Yelp review. If you've ever gotten bed bugs from like me, leave a Yelp review. It's the kind of hotel where you can't even come in. If you've ever gotten bed bugs from that place, definitely make sure people know about that.

Don't do that. Open source, you can't quite figure out where you got them, but you suspect. Go ahead, Yelp it up, bitch. Don't be a passive aggressive. Do something with your life. We drugs. Andy's wife has the Edgar Wintergreen

I don't know if it's a long term it is a long term so I'm auditioning ladies to be the new wife I want to go shit Junior Stopka right now Japanese woman that can do Japanese woman that can do sushi

and that's number one and then four we're going gonna take a quick break right now you're listening to the doug stanhope christine levine squadcast so uh so eventually we're gonna get a cd i'll plug the shit out of it people people do ask me even like still like i just got a tweet about the other day when's it coming out i'm like oh no i'm fucking working on it i got sick i'm sorry anyway um so we're gonna do that and then I have an audio book coming out of my porn clerk essays the stuff that I fucking did and is that no is that self-published as a book anywhere no it's not a real book

but we're just gonna do the audio book I already wrote my essays down you know why make a real book now who cares yeah so we're just gonna sell the tracks like record tracks if they want to hear a story then they can listen to me yell about it. Nobody reads anymore. You know what? I wish there was some kind of company online that sold books that other people read for you so you don't have to, but it doesn't exist. So there we go.

No sponsors. I'm just doing that myself. Like something audible, but that's on a dot com, but no such fucking company exists. God, if only somebody would... Something audible, but a dot com. Right. I'm clueless. It's too bad the blind can't read.

I don't know. Just like Joe Rogan talks about, yeah, when are we going to have spacesuits and jet packs so we can zip all over? Yeah, blind cars. Yeah, when are we going to have someone that reads books and you can just download it online?

So that you don't have to do it. Don't know anybody that does anything. I feel like this country has just gotten used to squirt cheese. And I also am on Portlandia. Portlandia? You've been on how many episodes of that now? Like, I don't know, like seven or eight now. As much as you can stand to watch in a couple more? As much as you can stand to watch in a couple more. As much as you can stand to watch.

I know, I know. Andy, take off your goddamn hat so you have some peripheral vision. I was on like three episodes this year, and I had my own episode with, you know, my TV husband. You know that guy? We play the swinger couple, like the pervert couple, because that's a good call for me. And that guy wrote the movie Falling Down. He doesn't know I know this.

So sometimes I'm like, so Kurt Russell. Whatever, Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas, yeah, I was going to say Kurt Russell, Falling Down. No, no, no, I'm like Michael Douglas. He seems like an okay actor. I was going to throw it out there and just kind of let it dangle in conversation. I think Kurt Russell falling down. Michael Douglas. He seems like an okay actor. I was going to just throw it out there and just kind of let it dangle in conversation. He just doesn't pick it up.

It's really funny. What was the Bobcat one? It was like falling down, but with no plot, which was good. Oh, yeah, yeah. Killing or murder was in the theme. It's him doing everything that we talk about at the bar. A lot of do, yeah. With actually very little plot. It's just a lot that we talk about at the bar. A lot of do, yeah. With actually very little plot. It's just a lot of murder that you go,

all right, the movie's as good as the trailer, only longer. But it's not better. Where the Michael Douglas is like, all right, stop with the he has a backstory. Just get to the killing people. Get to the killing part. Yeah, his car broke down. That's enough for me.

I know. If I had a weapon or a bat, yeah, my fucking car. But that's why I love this guy because he's so... That's a big deal, writing that movie. It's a big deal.

He's a maid. He's so modest about it. Anyway, so I was on Portlandia a bunch and I got a great, horrible review from the A.V. Club. The A.V. Club said that I was on Portlandia a bunch and I got a great, horrible review from the A.B. Club. The A.B. Club said that I was, you know, muted.

That's what they called me. Muted? Yeah. What does that even mean? It means that, like, you know, I was, like, really not funny, just toned down and really not whatever. Because, of course, that's what everybody thinks of me when they see me. It's like, muted. I don't even know what that means.

It was so fucking stupid. The AV Club reviewed two of the episodes that I was in and both times fucking hated me. And I was like, I don't know who I fucked over there or what I did. What TV show gets a fucking review of just a single episode? No, the AV Club does it

all the time. They review almost every TV show. Well, if you're going to review every episode of Portlandia, that means you have to want to out-cunts the cunts. Right. Like, all right, you know what? People who don't like anything watch Portlandia.

Right. So we have to not like anything that people who hate everything like. Exactly. I remember a tweet where I said I had an idea for a Portlandia script which is more than they've ever had. But it's basically about that's all Portland is about right now is about like hating things even like oh god like I'm struggling with even being here as a comedian

because like I have this joke that I want to tell about these two homosexuals that called a black guy a nigger. And I can't even tell that joke anywhere in the city because I'm afraid of losing friends. Shut up! Because I'm afraid of losing friends. And this is a great story. This black guy parked in a handicapped spot and these two gay handicapped guys were like gonna call him out on it and my son and I were like, I told Christopher, I go, oh let's watch this, this is gonna get great. These two homeless are gonna lose their minds. Handicapped fight?

Yeah, and then, and then, turns out the black guy is handicapped. He runs into the store for some Bud Light while he's on his way to a little girl's birthday party. Product placement. Yeah. So, like, I know that he's on his way to a little girl's birthday party. The real story is Rolling Rock, but I made her change it to Bud Light. He's the sponsor.

But we're not saying black and handicapped. Nothing says rock and roll like Bud Light. Enjoy Marilyn Manson. He was black and handicapped? No, he wasn't. No, he was partially handicapped, but... Anyway, so I've got this whole story about what happened and the fight that ensued and Like Bud Light and Joy Marilyn Manson. He was black and handicapped? No, he wasn't. No, he was partially handicapped. But anyway, so I've got this whole story about what happened and the fight that ensued and

how I observed these liberal gay guys be the total racist fucks against this dude. And I cannot tell that joke here. But we'll hear that on the third album, the really racist one. No, I'm going to say it. I'm doing it. The Vienn-Large Trilogy. Dirtier

and dirtier. And you wanted to pile on the depression here. She's got rheumatoid arthritis and a 57-year-old son that still lives at home. And I used to have I got molested by Pat Spleen, molester.

And because I was molested and post-traumatic for years, I'd be fucking, I'd have an empathy well. And any time I'd hear a sad story, I'd fucking weep like a cunt. Like, oh, shit, that fucking, I'd see an ad for some, he's away from this kid, and I'd cry or whatever, but it just misplaced emotion. And now I hear about somebody with rheumatoid arthritis, and I know Sean, I don't care. My wife has a brain disease, and it takes every bit of compassion I can well up or read about in Hallmark cards,

and I can be there and be, okay. So after the Marilyn Manson concert, I picked my wife up from chemotherapy conveniently in the same town for the record this brain disease is something that almost sponsored by Erdheim-Chester disease nobody gets it right they get it but not the NFL ain't gonna wear an Erdheim-Chester color let me let me just say this is so much sadder than my situation Andy's situation is so much sadder that um years ago when this first happened to your wife Andy I remember you talking to me about it and I said yeah everything sucks and you said to me you know when I want to kill myself I'm not

going to call you to talk me out of it because I was like yeah this is awful I was validated when I when I was anyway wait I'm gonna I was... Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to... I'm going to fuck it up. I don't know who said what, but at some point, Andy told you that he was weeping because of his wife, and you said, oh, you're chemo-sobbing?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so... Chemo-sobbing. I was getting to that. After the Marilyn Manson concert,

I was maybe a little shaky because I was excited to see Marilyn Manson, as you would be, but I'm picking my wife up a couple hours later after waking up. It's chemotherapy, and I have to be there. People who get chemo, it's like PMS with steroids, and you throw in cuntiness. And that's what you get.

And I left her in luggage sitting as I drove off. I had to smoke the weed. You picked her up. First of all, let me back up. Andy's the one who dropped us off at the Ramada after we had a cocktail here waiting for our room. Dropped us off there. And I'm like, what time do you

have to pick her up? He's like, it doesn't really matter. They just wheel her out whenever. She's just fucking getting chemotherapy. She doesn't know where the fuck she is. The one that she was still hooked up to the IV. I'm like inconsiderate. That is some shit, right? Like, I texted you an hour ago saying I'm on my way, and she's still hooked.

I'm having a Bloody Mary. Get unhooked. I'll be there in a while. We're day drinking, and you're hooked up to an IV? You inconsiderate motherfucker. But I try to be patient. But I left her luggage, and that's why I'm here, because I left her luggage, and it involved a lot of weeping, a lot of weeping, and the hospital threw her luggage, and that's why I'm here, because I left her luggage, and it involved a lot of weeping.

A lot of weeping, and the hospital threw her luggage in the dumpster. And then I go, was it anything important? And yeah, every fucking t-shirt was important and had sentimental value, and I was an asshole. The bag was all clothing, but that was the black blouse you bought me for my birthday. Everything mattered. Everything had some sentimental value. No, it was that thing you and Delaney got me that I really liked for my birthday. But we can chemotherapy, like you can't even go, well, we'll replace it at Walmart.

And folks at home, that's a two and a half hour drive each way to go through a dumpster where the hospital said, yeah, we did find a bag like that, but it was just closed. So we threw it in the dumpster. So yeah. Yeah. A hospital said that we just chucked it in the dumpster where the hospital said, yeah, we did find a bag like that, but it was just closed. So we threw it in the dumpster. So, yeah. Yeah, a hospital said that we just chucked it in the dumpster. That's so weird. And so I thought I was over this behavior, but I just went and resumed punching myself in the face a lot. Like, I was like, God damn it, you stupid mother.

But a few hours ago, I was having fun with Marilyn Manson and Doug and Bingo. And then I'm back with chemo head and I'm punching myself in the garage thinking, what do I got around here I can die with? Punching back ain't gonna do it. That was such a great, I don't know if anyone was aware of the moment outside of yourselves, but when you showed up,

Christine shows up at the bar with Andy and she's telling me about her rheumatoid arthritis and how fucked she is as a human being. all she's telling me about her rheumatoid arthritis and how fucked she is as a human being and Andy's telling Christine about the fucking chemotherapy and that's where I heard the chemo sobby story and we're he's like cracking jokes

wise like we're talking about a day of playing company softball in front of a bartender where you're talking about that and he's talking about his wife dying and we're talking about that? And he's talking about his wife dying. And we're talking about how shit-faced we've been for three days. Off the wagon. Here's the shit, too. The fucking shit

is I clipped dandelions and I put a nice bouquet together. Every time she goes up to the quinoa, she's going to be flat on her back and needs a fucking flower to stare at. It was because I was loaded. You're listening to the Dick Stano, Christine Levine Squadcast. All right, this is the last segment, and God knows how long it'll last.

I have to plug shit. The Canadian tour is in the works. The UK tour, we just booked the Apollo Hammersmith, and it's almost sold out in the first two days. The biggest club you ever play is the Apollo Hammersmith, and we're halfway sold out already. More than that. Yeah, more than halfway sold out.

By the time you hear it, it will be sold out, and everyone keeps sending me stuff. If you're sending me, like, hey, come to my club, and Hennigan's on top of all that, and everyone is saying, well, is that the only... I get a lot of these. You're only playing one fucking gig in the... No, that's the first gig I booked.

We'll be booking other gigs. I don't know if we'll be to Bournemouth. We'll be in the fucking major ones anyway. But you paid the UK. Why do you keep going back? Because they fucking want... They pay you. The gigs are good. The gigs are good. It's the same reason you don't have a cell phone.

Shut up. Money. Money. I'm going to go home and I'm going to fucking turn off my cell phone. I got money because people started to PayPal it. The nice emails I get from the UK are fucking brutal, more brutal than the hecklers that don't like me. I know.

You fucking cunt. You're only playing one fucking. That's the only one I know about. I find out about these gigs the same way you do. Like Brian will put it on my fucking Twitter because he knows I was drunk when he texted me. Hey, put this on your Twitter. And then if I don't do it immediately, he'll put it out.

And then I go on my Twitter. I go, oh, fuck. Look, I'm doing a gig. And by the way, if something just went on sale and it says it's sold out when you try to buy tickets, check again. Because we try to

use brown paper tickets exclusively. And the bigger the venue, the less likely it is that we're able to do that. Because most of the monster fucking venues are in some kind of corporate shackles, some contract with a fucking live nation or what's the old one that was the...

Ticketmaster. Ticketmaster. So we can get an allotment of brown paper tickets, a small amount that don't have fuck you rapist ticketing fees. And then the rest, hey, you should have been there first when we had a small sliver of brown paper tickets. So when you see sold out, if it just went on sale,

it's probably just the brown paper tickets that are sold out. Now go through the venue and find the ticket master, whatever. And yeah, you're going to get a bad beat on a fucking fee. Because I can't change the goddamn world. I figured that out. I cannot beat corporate America all by myself when I spend most of my days sitting in a fucking

off-track betting bar that doesn't even have off-track betting. But you're everybody's hero, so what do you mean? You can't beat corporate America. You can only hope to contain Jarvis. Right. I don't know what I'm doing for these two. It's one Jarvis at a time. Yeah. I am going

to the UK and hopefully fucking Europe too. And I have to write this dumb book. That announcement just came out. That's the one I've been teasing. What's the dumb? No one cares. What's the dumb book? You got a title?

I got a fucking book deal. You got a title? I have a working title, but I'm not even going to put it out there. Look, I have seen. So who's the deal? The first five years that I knew you, you didn't know my name. How are you remembering all of this?

Yeah, no, he's... You called me Mamu. You introduced me as Mamu at my own fucking... I still call you Mamu. It's being ghostwritten by his dead brain cells. He's trying to call them all out. I'm doing a lot of it, a lot of biography style. Right. I'm doing a lot of it, blotto biography style.

Right. I'm just calling up like, all right, what were the specifics with that? Mother was a fucking, played a titty dancer aside Tanya Lee Davis. Yes, yes.

For P. Diddy. Yep. In some MTV music. I remember that. Now I'm going to have to reach out to Tanya Lee Davis and find out the details because I remember it happened.

So yeah, I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to be making a lot of phone calls to old friends. Like, how are you going to get it all? Yeah, all right. There's some shit I didn't even. I think you're going to have to travel. Just to know this stuff because the through line, a lot of it will be, of course, auto. It's all autobiographical.

Auto-ironic. But mother is the through line. Yes. But mother is the through line From the beginning of her fucking jerking off dogs To the assisted suicide But I didn't even My mother was so difficult to listen to She was just a blathering fucking

She'd tell you about an eight hour day at scale No I remember You had to spend eight hours to listen to the whole And then I had to go I get to fucking park And this... And then I had to go, I get to fucking park, and this cunt in front of me didn't know how to fucking park. He says, I get a six-point turn. I'm like, yeah, fuck. All right.

Chapter 15. I hate the fucking Russians. Can I just tell a mother story one time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was staying with Patty one time, and we went over, you know, L.A. Patty. And I went over... At the time, I lived in an apartment.

Patty still lives in hers, and Hennigan now lives in Patty. At the time, I lived in an apartment. Patty still lives in hers, and Hennigan now lives in mine. They're rent control places in West Hollywood. So when I moved mother out, she moved into mine. I moved down to what is now Patty's. So I think it's a dozen

apartments in one building, and there's three apartments on the top floor facing out on the street. Brian is now on the right-hand side, and Patty's three apartments on the top floor facing out on the street. Brian is now on the right-hand side, and Patty's at the left-hand side. Right. And so Patty and I went over. Okay, so we got invited to go to the Magic Castle, Patty and I, but I didn't have any shoes.

And so she says. Let's just gloss over that. Why you had no shoes? Where was your phone? In her shoes. She didn't have either one. Go ahead. Let's just gloss over it. I didn't have any good shoes to wear to the bed.

Did you not have a shoe company that could give you shoes? I made it to L.A. with no shoes. I don't know how I didn't have shoes, but I didn't have any shoes. And so Patty's brilliant idea is is like let's go to mother's because she's gonna have she's a hoarder she's gonna have shoes and i said yeah but she's a hoarder she's the size of a little bird i am a giant lady with size 10 feet that are wide there's no way this lady's gonna have mother's not gonna have size 10 giant shoes for me. And she said, oh. She might.

You don't know. So we walk in here. We go knock on your mom's door. And mother opens the door. I was like, she's so happy to see us. She's got company. She says, oh, have a seat. Because she's so, I don't know, high on NyQuil or whatever.

But she's super, super light. And doesn't realize all our seats are covered in stacks of shit. So I was just like, I don't know where to go, but okay. So I move some stuff and we're all polite, you know. And then I ask your mom, I go, hey, Bonnie, why do you have

bunk beds in your living room? And she goes, well, you never know who's going to come over. She was dead set on, well, you know, in case I have company. Yeah. First of all, there's stacks of boxes and cat hair covered shit on the top bunk. In case you wanted to stay in a 300 square foot apartment on a filthy bunk bed that's just jammed wall to wall. She never knows who's going to come over.

Okay. And you never know when someone's going to have. Size 10 wide shoes. Yes. And so I literally just went over there and I go, hey, mother, do you have these? I need some shoes to go to the Magic Castle tonight. And she goes, I have just the thing. And she went into that back fucking bedroom and she came out with these Birkenstocks for me.

Size 10 wide Birkenstocks that I have to this day. And it was so funny because Patty's just like, you're just validating her hoarding. You know that. It's absolutely true. That's all you're doing. She, by just by being around her,

she fucking made you, I, one of the, one of the few times I road trip with mother. She made me tell her she was okay. We went into a dollar store type strip mall in Florida. And it was right before mother fell into drugs again. But it's like hours before.

But we're at a dollar store type thing. And there was the fucking dumbest novelty T-shirt you ever fucking saw. Like, you know, like, kiss me. I'm Irish. Only dumber. Like fucking Florida style. Like, you know. Been there, done that. Yeah and then and she goes what do you think for doug and i go i think doug hate that shirt and she goes well maybe later like maybe when he gets older but here's the

fucking creepiest shit she bought there she bought vagisil at a dollar store and she goes what do you think like i have an opinion i think you I mean, if it was going in my con, I'd want it to be fresher. But it's like a hoard. She was going to hoard like five tubes of it. I know. When Renee and I did the first de-hoard on her place when we had to put her in detox

and we were counting how many batteries in the hundreds of batteries. Toothbrushes. Toothbrushes. In the, you know, 78 toothbrushes in case someone stays over and they don't have a tooth. Who's staying over at your house? You don't have any fucking friends. You're a 60-year-old woman and zero people that call you or you call.

Oh, do you know, though, I did that one time. Like, my son and I were at the grocery store and I go to reach for some canned pineapple. And he said, no, stop it. And I said, what are you talking about? I just, what if I run out of pineapple? And he goes, just trust me and let's go home right now. And I said, okay. So we go home and then he puts me in the living room and turns on television and just says, sit here, mama. And then I'll call you in. And then he turns, like he opens up the pantry door and then he calls me in, and he had faced my entire pantry. All the pineapples?

I had 25 cans of pineapple. And he was like, what is wrong with you? We wanted to talk to you. You could buy a phone with this money. He was like, what is wrong with you? You keep thinking that you're going to run out of pineapple. T-Mobile now has the pineapple plan. $1.99 for a phone.

I do have to catch myself now, because I do overbuy shit. Moving to a small town made me realize why Walmart is so big in the shitty parts of the middle of the country because buying cheap shit is a form of entertainment in town. Yeah, that's great. That's why you go to any Goodwill, any, any value village, anything. It's full of Mexicans or people just like, you know, with limited budgets, but they, we still want to shop as a people.

It's so great. We see, you know, we can't hunt, we can't kill anything, but we can still get a Terry cloth. Portland is a great example. Portland is a town where everyone's out doing shit. I don't drive a car. I ride a bike. That was the bartender

here last night. And we go to things and we go to shows, but when you live in fucking, you know, Zip City, fucking Arkansas, there is no good show.

There is nothing. There's a fishing pole. If you can afford bullets, you can kill something cute, or you can buy shit at the dollar store. Well, it's kind of like Joe Rogan's thing where you only kill what you eat or whatever, but it seems like people still need that thing where you consume,

even though you're fucking broke as shit, you can still go to somewhere and get a shirt for 99 cents. It's a sick fucking country. But that's what Mother did. And you know what you can also do? You can buy Doug Stanhope tickets to Toronto. Doug Stanhope has a lot of merch, but the greatest line I've ever heard. I've been around Doug Stanhope for years.

The best line I ever heard from Doug Stanhope. And that's why his mother fell back into drugs in Florida. He says, we've got Coke and mother's holding. Anyway, thanks. Yeah, that've got Coke and Mother's Holding. Anyway, thanks for supporting Tommy. Yeah, that'll be in the book for sure. That's actually, I have a notebook now that I've just, shit, I have to write down from Mother. I think I'm going to have to disappear.

This is going to be the second 30 days in the hole where I have to go away to write because at home there's just too many, even the fucking 30 days in that trailer, my pets found me. So my dogs eat the barking even the fucking 30 days in that trailer my pets found me so my dogs either barking Above the fucking trailer you try sobering up around meat wig Yeah I know you keep tweeting that you want to you can't you can't rehab you

1962 vintage trailer you think that beds built to hold? You'd snap that thing in fucking two. Every time you tweet me, I go, I'll just pretend I didn't see it. You can't make a conscious choice to quit arthritis. No, I mean, I wanted to stop eating for two seconds because I can't. Arthritis. Shouldn't your fingers hurting be that much motivation? When you're gripping the sandwich, it hurts? I could put you on a fucking good diet.

What is it? Cum. Cum diet. Num, num. Well, you've been on that. Fucking Vitamix. The Vitamix is the best thing ever. I've got to get one of those, I think.

It's $386. Doug Stanhope, can you get your people who listen to this to buy Christine Levine a juicer and a phone? She needs to be supervised. And supervised like Guantanamo supervised. That's what I mean. That's why I want to go to the Tinkham Rehab. Get her an orange jumpsuit and the rest will take care of itself. I want to go to the Tinkham Rehab and have only my meals brought to me on a little tiny plate.

Nobody delivers. Oh, damn. But you can eat all the time if you eat decent shit. Just eat all the fucking time. Have you tried making peace with your Lord figure? No, you know what's happened to me? This is what's happened to me. Is that, like, I've gained 20 pounds since I've gotten this stuff, and I was fat already.

But the reason, I think it's so funny because it's like, oh, you know, you think that you wanted to lose weight and move around. Well, now you have a disease where you can't move around. Fucking terrifying. Yeah, I can fucking eat. And then so then I keep eating and I'm on prednisone, which makes me want to eat fucking more. And now I'm just ridiculously fat. Well, you can come down to the foot. You're not ridiculously fat.

You're sexy fat. Shut up. Take off your goddamn hat. Yeah, take off them. No, you take off your hat. Oh, the hat. Oh, I'm fetish fat. I'm on the hat again. I went fetish fat. I'm on the hat again.

I went pants. You saw the girl that I did the hustler pictorial with? Yeah, I took her. She's round. Her and the other freakish plastic surgery girl were talking between pictures. What was her fetish? I'll tell you this. Sploshing. Spl pictures. What was her fetish? I'll tell you this. Sploshing.

Yeah, squash porn. What? Splash porn. What's that? Sploshing is where they fire different foodstuffs out of an air cannon at a fat girl. Do you remember when we were in a... Okay, I won't name names, but Henry Phillips was there. When we were ordering a hooker, and you went fat guy, and you just wanted a hooker to come feed you?

No, no. She's going to jump on the fucking bed like girls on trampolines, wasn't it? No, no. But earlier you called. We had that happen. And we wanted Henry, you know, anyway. But you called and you go, I just want you to come and feed me some cake. And this one girl's like, and then she goes, she goes, oh baby,

I'll feed you some fucking pie. And Doug goes, don't get with the salty talk. And then we did get a hooker. It's the same voice I do when I have Bingo Bingaman do my, as my co-host.

And this is my co-host. Hi, this is Amy Bingo Bingaman. Yeah, yeah. Hi. Please. I have a sausage finish that I like to eat. Sausages.

You ordered a hooker. Gravy. The gravy. The hooker we got was a different one, and she wanted music. And I go, you want music like the girls on trampoline? And she goes, yeah, I like that show. And she jumped on the mattress where we played, I think, commercial music. It was awful. Yeah, that was a long time ago. I like that show. And she jumped on the mattress while we played, I think, commercial music.

It was awful. Yeah, that was a long time ago. We just try to help locals wherever we go. We, hey, the Impractical Jokers. I don't know if you saw their tour video, but evidently me and Bingo were in it. Yay! Hey, and this is a rare thing. I'm not going to kill myself, and I actually have a plug, but I can't maybe find it. But I'm going to be in Florida,

Fort Lauderdale. I'm going back to Florida. This time, I'm not being compelled to go there. Someplace in Fort Lauderdale. Damon Figgler. Fucking shit. I had it on my thing a minute ago and then I looked at porn. Okay, anyway, I'm going to be at Dante's April 30th. Did you look at porn? Hang on.

Dante's. No, it was just on my thing. Because you looked that up when we went to the bathroom and you looked at porn. No, it was just on there. It was just 30th. Did you look at porn? Hang on. You looked at porn while we... It was just on my thing. Did you look that up when we went to the bathroom? And you looked at porn while you were walking to the bathroom? No, it was just on there. It was just on there amongst other things. All right. You find that and be quiet. And Christine Levine, a professional in comparison, where will you be?

I'll be headlining Dante's April 30th. Hey, Doug. 2015. 2015, yes. And myself, Richie Stratton, Whitney Street, and Jimmy Neustadter. And we're all very funny. All right. I might be going to another hemisphere to write this book, but I don't know yet.

And Andy Enrich will be at the Crispy Tiki on 418 and 420. If you like rock and roll and you like comedy and you like somebody getting fucked up after a show, come out to the whatever I just said earlier. Crispy Tiki. I think. Crispy Tiki. Crazy. Crazy Tiki in Fort Lauderdale. My eyesight is shit and it's creepy.

Creepy Tiki. Not crispy. He's going to be in every Tiki in Fort Lauderdale, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for listening to the Christine Levine at large podcast And the Doug Stanhope Swap cast And the Andy Andrus non-cast

And the Bingy Bingabin Next cast Thanks I hope this all worked out well We'll have more shit I'm sure we're going to tape something from LA Before we go to Mexico Before I go to the great place We just came from to go write a book

And don't bring a fucking goat To the new stadium That didn't make any sense And that fucking sets the tone Good night.