The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #64: Back From Vacation

Episode Date: April 8, 2015

Doug recaps his vacation with Marilyn Manson, LA nonsense and hating photo shoots. Also, Stanhope offers a shame-fellatio to the Killer Termites.Pre-Order the NEW KILLER TERMITES T-Shirts at DougStanhope.com/StoreRecorded April 07, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-WY SHORT FILM CONTEST - “OH UP ABOVE” - http://bit.ly/1E5XAVZThe SOCCER MARMALADE Podcast - http://soccermarmalade.libsyn.com/ The Staircase Series - http://bit.ly/1q1ZZvJ Pop Out Art - http://ebay.to/1NU3wSLIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Funeral Party” by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one who's drinking tonight

All right, it's 22 after the hour. It's the Doug Stanhope podcast back in Bisbee. Happy to be home, Greg Chaley. Happy that you're home, keeping the place tidied up. Nice. I feel fucking good. I came back from vacation. The key to vacation, just take that last day.

Get fucked up the entire time, but just take that last day and don't do a fucking thing and take a nice Xanax and then wake up refreshed for the plane and just do your airplane drinking and then we get a hotel at our airport because we get in late. Yeah, felt pretty good. Caught up on all my stories. Last time I talked to you assholes, who I'll come sucking up to in a second here, I have to listen to it.

Because Shawnee said he listened to it and said I didn't tell any of the fucking Manson stories. Did I not talk about the whole, you know? mean it with christine when you did the swap cast yeah did i not talk much about manson no i mean all right i'll have to listen to it it kind of it blurs with all the twitter updates and stuff though mean, because I listened to the Swapcast just to make sure there was nothing to take out. But it was Andy and Christine. Yeah, when Andy's there, everything gets fucked up. And you're at a bar.

You can hear the background noise and everything going on. Yeah, they let us use the back room. That place is definitely a forgettable but necessary element to my top 10 or just top all-around hotel slash day drinking bars day drinking bars with a hotel attached so at whatever point as the sun sets you can just kneel your way to your room that's the uh whatever it was that's where we left you guys was i left the the the killer termites as you were in charge of fucking with that guy at the ramada what a piece of shit that was there was five more days of that kind of blurry when we got to la but that was in the middle of it and it didn't lighten up

in the middle that was when that's when I was podcasting. That was supposed to be your day of recuperation. Right. That was the plan. Yeah, and that fucking asshole. But yeah, they did cheese him off. I forget. I'd love to update you.

Jarvis? Was that his name? You know what? I don't even know at this point. Yeah. Jarvis sounds right. his name? You know what? I don't even know at this point. Yeah, Jarvis sounds right. You had two dumb names. I'm sure I have it written down. It's on your Twitter.

Yeah, because someone wrote a personal note to me on Twitter and then said, oh yeah, F Jarvis or whatever. I had to go back on that. Yeah, someone found his Facebook account. F Jarvis or whatever I had to go back on that yeah he was someone found his Facebook account and I'm like oh this is going to go too far but I remember looking up the Facebook account and remembering those

beady eyes and going yeah that's the dick so yeah thank you for that sorry I probably jumped the gun on that but he was a wicked fucking asshole. Yeah. But he's probably an asshole like I would be

if I worked at the fucking Ramada. I wouldn't give a shit. I'd do customer service the same way we do for... Oh, you said it was a gray shirt and it's black or vice versa. Well, go fuck yourself. Read closer. Know your colors. Yeah, so it's probably doing the same customer service I do.

But then again, my fucking phone number isn't listed. Yeah. So, yeah, look at your fucking name tag, Jarvis. When your phone number and your name tag are out there, we're going to sell this fucking Cadillac, and we're going to do it on eBay. I'll have that ready for the next podcast. But I'm like, yeah, this fucking thing, for some reason,

just shits the bed. It's a 1970 fucking Cadillac. I don't know shit about cars. What if it just shits the bed on someone? Not my fucking fault, but you know where I live now because you picked up the car at my house. So, yeah, fucking buyer beware. I don't know a fucking thing.

I just know what I paid for it, and that's the reserve. And you get new brakes. Figure out that fucking roof. I'm sorry. You're pointing at stuff oh yeah killer termites don't worry i'm getting to them i'm gonna have to make some kind of deal so i was i wanted to waste you again today so brian sent me i don't even know some chick that calls herself the food babe uh oh yeah she's uh first of all you know what ask more people than your

parents whether you should be calling yourself babe or not get an anonymous straw poll before you just because you're vaguely attractive i mean like you have to you it almost gives makes you want to do the racist okay for a pinched face Indian chick or I don't know whatever that middle fucking range of remember those three cunts that we had to sit next to at the airport and they were

they would call themselves babes I don't know yeah some Middle Easterners Asians the UK would call them Asian because that's Asia, I guess. India, whatever. Like Mongolia. Yeah.

She looks like a fucking bookworm librarian. Just teeth whitening does not a babe you make. All right. Anyway, she gives like really scurrilous advice. I don't have anything. I don't read food blogs, obviously, or nutrition blogs. But someone else who's got a science background, just Hennegan found it. And it was just such a methodical hamstringing evisceration of this woman.

And I guess she's really popular. And you just talk shit. You have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Example A. Example B. It was no hate, but it was written so well. Here, I'll get a lot of shit for this, too. But it was written so funny that even after this person says that they hated her so much,

they started their own blog, Science Babe. The Science Babe. so much they started their own blog science babe the science babe and even then reading science babe i still thought it was a dude that was writing this i had no question it was a dude because it was that funny and no it's a another vaguely hot chick you know hot with a qualifier somewhere but she's doing it out of spite so you don't need to live up to the babe part. Anyway, it was really well written. And why did I have to get wicked sexist and racist to just deliver a

fucking compliment? So, so that was fun to watch it beat down and it made me want to throw my hat in the ring and bring the kids with me. Hey, let's go trash this food, babe lady. But it's really not our business.

Plus turns out I'm going to have to get down on my knees and suck your killer termite dicks because I forgot bingo Bingaman and a whiskey girl sister, Mindy, Lindy lindy mindy yeah that video they did for uh that uh unfinished song of whiskey girls whiskey girl by the way uh flashback yeah fucking died of lupus husband killed himself in the house net behind here where the chalice sleep next to the bullet hole yes the dead people yeah well they uh the sister of the dead girl remade the unfinished last song with bingo uh singing it and they put the video into a fucking contest. Into the Wyoming Short Film Contest. Google it.

Wyoming Short Film Contest. And it's called Oh Up Above. That's the bingo video they shot. We had to go to, we didn't have to go. We were in Wyoming anyway on our way through. Had shot a video in a dump and bingo in little angel wings. Well, they put it in a contest. And wouldn't you know,

you need to have voters online for this fucking contest. And I wish I was in a place where I could just give them $25,000 so I didn't have to ever ask anybody to please go to Wyoming Short Film Contest, Google it, and there's only three pages of entries. If we can't fucking beat, that's the problem. I'd give them the money to not beg. to Wyoming short film contest, Google it, and there's only three pages of entries. If we can't fucking beat, that's the problem.

I'd give them the money to not beg. But at the same time, you want to fucking win. It's Wyoming. This is limited to only people who made short films in Wyoming this year. It's the lowest populated state. We've been to Wyoming. We know most of the people in wyoming just for driving by their houses two summers at the parade we've seen most of wyoming right they're lining the street yeah we were in lander wyoming we saw the parade that was us so vote for that fucking

you don't have to live in wyoming to vote for the fucking thing if the killer termites cannot win maybe we just disband the army if we cannot defend a skirmish but it's done april 15th or something tax day 16 now go down do it now i really i think i just quickly perused it and i think the like the highest viewed film was like 1700 but it fucking hurts me we did this for brendan walsh that's why i immediately tweeted at him because we did this uh years ago brendan walsh i remember uh steve hofstetter who's wicked good at social networking this had to be at the end of the MySpace days, or maybe full-on Head of Steam MySpace days, and Walsh got into one, and Hofstetter was just way out in front,

and then I got on MySpace, and before you were called the killer termites, you were just MySpace people. You were just Stanhope people. You were just Stanhope people. And yeah, I had to talk shit about Steve Hofstetter, which I felt bad for. Trashing him for being one of these guys that just collects a bunch of MySpace friends. It's such a douchey thing to do. Not looking forward. The whole whole dean cook hatred was in such

full bloom and everyone thought well he just he's only fucking famous because he's on myspace no he's uses myspace to reach people people now go oh i i usually hate this kind of comedy but the guy wrote back so uh so yeah so we get on and it was uh it was a tight race but yeah brennan walsh uh collected ten thousand dollars out of that contest so uh one day i might come to you for a favor on your bone zone show if you could please direct people to a small website and fortunately you don't have to do all that shit. I was going to say, I'm not fucking logging in. I'm not registering, but it's now everything. You can just log in with Facebook. That's easy.

Because I don't use Facebook. So if they send me a bunch of fucking spam, I don't see it. Oh, up above. That's the thing. Lindy Mindy has two films. She has actually Whiskey Girl's last actual video before she was all dead and whatnot called Tumbleweed. So if you want to sit around for a second and vote for a second one, go to Tumbleweed. There's only three pages of them, so they're easy to find by Lindy Mindy Nielsen or something. Nelson Nielsen or something nelson nielsen

yeah and uh because then the it goes to the top five then i guess we're really gonna have to start sucking dick and fucking handing out free stolen bibles and free t-shirts to get the finals vote but you can go she can go i go why did she put two fucking videos i was just snapping in there i'm like about to tweet the wrong one i'm going why does she have two videos in the same contest you're splitting your fucking votes up you fucking and bingo goes well you can get more than one into the top five all right i'm sorry for yelling you have no idea how horrifying it is to bucket it at a certain place have to say and bingo as much as she's not that kind of chick i guarantee at one point she would bring it up one day as cool as she is and as much as she said you know it's a i don't want to be a burden

one day she'd go oh yeah well all your fans couldn't win one dumb contest for me. She'd stick me with it somehow. Yeah, but where were you when you didn't vote for me then? There's that atheist girl you don't even know, but you wouldn't even do one little thing for life. Stain Cook could rally troops. So, yeah, there's that. And God damn it, if they win, we'll send out some discounts. We got killer termite shirts.

The guy that gave me the prototype that I've been wearing for the last since 2013. Since you got named Killer Termites by the UK press and some fucking cunt. I won't even mention her name anymore. Allison something or other. Yeah. So, yeah, I've been wearing those shirts all the time. It's like a baseball shirt, except it says it's Bisbee. Bisbee's team, the the killer termites which is

if anyone asks yeah mention the killer termites as though hey how did the killer termites do fucking put it on a message board or tweet it with your friends who are in on the gag and say how did they do against the cuban uh national team and have them tweet back oh fuck they they lost four to two but they play again tomorrow night. Just so when people Google search Bisbee Killer Termites, they will find records of them playing against everybody. Didn't they play an exhibition game against the Washington Nationals? Yeah, they did.

It's the first time they played them since when they were the Montreal Expos. But, yep, same outcome. Lost. Or whatever. You know, make some up. I don't have to write this shit for you. You're not idiots like other comics fans. Are you?

Are you? I don't know. Evelyn Evil E, neighbor Dave's wife, Evelyn, is coming over for a cocktail, at which point when she shows up, the dogs will go batshit. When the dogs go batshit, that will be a good time for us to break. And I'll look at my notes because we have to go to the gift bag. And we don't have any. Well, we actually have viewer mail.

I was thinking about starting that. You know what? Real mail. Instead of, yeah. Since you're sending shit anyway, if you have questions, viewer mail. I was thinking about starting that. You know what? Real mail. Since you're sending shit anyway, if you have questions, mail them to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.

Send it on a postcard. You know, if you sent it on a postcard, that'd be better because it's more like a tweet because you can only fit so much. And I'm not guaranteeing I'm getting all your stupid questions. There you go. Yeah. 140 characters.

Yeah, they're perfect. I will get to actual snail mail. I will try my best to get to. Stanhope mailbag, right on. I like that. All right. So, yeah, that way I can flick the card around like Letterman used to do with the index cards. And if it wasn't real mail, would I be able to do this?

Can't shake your computer like that. Maybe he still does that. But no, probably not. I haven't watched Letterman since I was probably 25 years old. The oldest. What else? Los Angeles. I'll figure out what I fucking talked about, Manson.

I don't want to just go ahead and repeat the exact same podcast, but it was blast. The show was fucking amazing. Andy and I did. You know this. Did I talk about Andy and I going out up front as the? No. Okay. Well, we went out to open the show.

This was in Portland. This is in Portland. I've done a podcast since then, so I can't imagine we didn't talk about it. But Shawnee didn't know about it. It was Christine's podcast. All right. It was you guys swap casting. You guys were talking the night before we had gone out.

Andy and I went to the show. So we're hanging out backstage. I don't I must not have mentioned you as Twiggy. Twiggy is still with the band. Yes. you as twiggy twiggy is still with the band yes so i had chaley used to play in a manson tribute band called the dope show where they did it down to the he was i had pictures of chaley on my phone down to the t as twiggy so i got twiggy i'm talking to twiggy and i like you know i'm tour manager the guy that does my podcast,

my best friend Greg Chaley, and I'm showing him pictures, and he was genuinely highly fucking amused. Really? He was wicked amused. Oh, my God. Yeah. I was obsessed with getting the right dress or to do the makeup and stuff. Not obsessed with the band.

It was a gig. It was a gig. But you were obsessed. You're such a fucking perfectionist yeah to do it right and that day i mean it was down i mean pantyhose and the the things on the arm it was fucking i was really going nuts to try and get it right as you know i would yeah no i and it was i saw how you made pork chops today i go i know you get a lot of shit to do, but I got these fucking half-off pork chops. Thick cut, too, yeah.

And you're like, pork chops are easy. I go, yeah, a lot of shit is easy, but you never do it that way. And the next thing you know, there's rosemary all over the pork chops. I just cook the fucking things. Pan, fire, meat. But when you told me you did that, I i i could not imagine standing there because i would be probably embarrassed but it was oh that's funny it was got the picture i was so stoked that that uh that he saw that that was cool okay well here's what we did and if the i can't imagine that the

audio is any good and we're supposed to be doing this with no edits. But Andy and I went out ahead of time as the regular gag. We're the morning show guys. I'm Keith the Blasting Cap Capillary from 86.4 Real Rock Radio. And Real Rock and Rollers, this weekend, Bingham and Chevrolet is having a push-puller drag-it-in blowout sale. Come on down to try out the new Chevy Volt. And, you know, when you go to insure that car, make sure you insure it with e-surance.

That's right, e-surance. You're going to get a quote in under 15 minutes. What else? And we immediately boo! Boo! Because we're going to just keep doing that until we get booed off. Sherry's Berries. I remember I closed on a Sherry's Berries.

Oh, good. To a cascade of fucking boos. A couple people knew who we were. And what point of the show was this? Was this before? Oh, my God. Opening before the opening bit. So they're all just like boozed up from the car where they just pounded what they could before they came in.

Yeah, a couple people are laughing, but there was a few, like, serious death stares. Andy would just keep leaning in with a couple of muttered, you know, murder, murder, murder. So that was fun. so that was fun and yeah like manson was playing to us in the fucking hey sax underpants gave fucking manson a pair of sax underpants night before the show showtime comes he fucking drops his drawers in the dressing room no i didn't have to earn my laminate that way he had to show me the fucking sax underpants did i ask if i could take a picture to prove it no fucking way i do have a great picture though did i show you that one i've barely talked to you until you said well right can you make pork chops i'm gonna show you the dressing room picture

i took in portland is a fucking album cover except it's got his fucking basically his name all over it. And I can't do that to a dude. I'll show you. So that was that. Punched him in his fucking chest for an encore. He kept coming over the side of the stage with double birds, and he got fucking enough in the wings. I could fucking nail him right in his solar plexus. Some guy sent me a link to a bunch of pictures.

He was a guy from Jackass. Oh, Aaron, yeah. Aaron, Danger Aaron. Yeah, you met him somewhere. Probably Portland. It was, you're right. He had fucking access, man. Yeah, yeah. He was all over. I mean, this was just the Manson set

and he was up high and then down like in the pit and then over on the side of the stage. And Manson has these fucking, these mice. Brass knuckle fucking microphones. He had one with a fucking dagger on it and then he destroyed a tambourine with the dagger. All right. You're punching him?

Yeah, I was geared up. I was in the moment. Well, he came up and went, you punched me in the chest. Yeah. You had a knife. you came at me ask anyone but uh yeah that was uh that was great and we had the next day to go up because they were going to seattle afterwards no yeah we could have gone in the tour bus, but we were there the night before in the same hotel. We were in Seattle that night. The next night? Yeah.

Oh, shit. I didn't even think to look. That's right, because that was the 26th. Why didn't you come up in business? You didn't leave until the 29th. Fuck, that would have changed everything, because we just thought, ah, god damn it. We just thought, everyone's going to be fucking crashed out and ragged out and hung over his shit during the day yeah or maybe they'd leave that night either way no one's hanging

around during the day you're not having lunch with fucking manson and the twiggy so we're just gonna like kill time in portland i mean seattle and see the show again and leave or get another hotel they would leave they would strike the stage and then the buses would roll you because it's too short of a distance they would just go there and then probably check into either way it's too much work to like just look at each other hung over when no one wants to talk to anybody i don't want to see fucking people during the day so uh so we we bowed out and we were very happy we did and then we just went to that that what's the goddamn name of the hotel we did like see that's the thing i remember the ramada but the one that's in my top favorite red lion red

lion that's the one red lion airport great day oh it was the airport yeah okay because there's a couple of locations in portland and i couldn't tell which one it was based on your explanation to Christine and where you guys were hanging out. Right down the road from the Ramada. The airport. Excellent. If you want to take a shit in a pool and then walk just a quarter mile back. Your feet won't even be dry by the time you get back to the Red Lion.

Oh, well, that's a bummer, man. I mean, you guys had a blast. You could tell from those pictures. You guys, I was really surprised you made it to do the podcast. Well, the other thing is we brought Andy in because we were kind of on a runner, so we just kind of forced the Andy hand. And, you know, Andy stretches anyone's patience. He was pretty good that night.

I don't think he bothered anyone. There's a picture with Andy and Marilyn Manson and Andy's dog in bed. So I guess everyone got along. Oh, yeah, that would have been the night before. The night before, yeah. Yeah, that was on common ground. That's it at the hotel. Okay.

But at the show. So maybe I would have been sketchy about going oh can i bring other people you don't know hang around your green room twiggy said it was cool well i i i was wondering like which way they were going and i never even thought to to fucking look at what i just i just saw because i forget you can DM on Twitter. If you follow each other. Yeah, yeah. So Glenn Wohl had texted me because it was in Vancouver the night after Seattle.

And he goes, hey, are you opening for Marilyn Manson? Call me. I'm in town. And I just saw that today, a week and a half later. Yeah. So that was that. And then we went to Los Angeles where we we saw we saw walsh we saw henry who else we see we saw uh hennigan uh now with the uh bretchels lodged in the apartment underneath and patty and uh everyone selma yeah let's just call uh suzanna

lee selma patty and selma can we do that that? Hey, Patty Erickson, make that stick. Just start calling Susanna Lee Selma since she's underneath Patty. It's great. They have the whole. I had to call Hennigan. That's how fucking. We got a really sketchy there, you know, fucking coming out of the hole and going straight into the lion's den up there and then into Los Angeles. So, yeah, that whole tin can rehab got uh bent up a little that that tin can had the fucking top flopped off of it

it's in the discount bin i uh yeah i saw that they uh they have that soccer marmalade podcast now it's uh it's they just talk soccer or football depending on which one hennigan hennigan and brett erickson passionately yeah i guess i yeah hennigan gets all liquored up where he just gets like very very angry well and then erickson kind of grinds his gears but they both know what the fuck they're talking about absolutely i so So I've heard it's funny. I find it very entertaining, and I know dick all about soccer. Soccer marmalade. Check that out if you have like a 90th hour in your work week to fucking kill. Oh, I guarantee it's more entertaining than anything you should be doing while sitting at a desk.

Well, there's so many people in the UK that actually know what the fuck they're talking i think listen i hennigan hennigan will rile up anybody yes and and he's such a dick well that's the thing it's like he's that guy who probably will get punched in the pub but at the same time he makes some valid no he would shut his mouth in the pub but he'd bitch at you at the hotel about the guys at the pub when you didn't care perfect then yeah that's what's perfect radio perfect yeah but he's so fucking passionate you you can wind him up if you listen to that fucking follow him at mr hennigan and uh torture him he hates england i don't really get because oh yeah there's there's national rivalries and then there's like world cup shit Cup shit where Scotland's never involved,

but he hates England, and he loves Germany. He always loves Germany and everything just because they're so well organized. Well, he hates England above everything else. He hates England more than he likes any other team. He will always root against anyone who's playing England, no matter who. But he's wicked into the Premier League. Absolutely.

He's a Man City guy, I believe. Yeah. He used to like Everton because of a certain coach. You have to listen to the fucking thing. I have listened to it. I'm trying to tell you. You should be listening to it. I'm trying to move on.

All right. I'm trying to get to other stuff. But you find out everything about what you're talking about here. All right. I have to get to some shit I only vaguely remember talking. And I really honestly try to not talk shit about other comedians. And this one, it just happened to come up. And I wasn't a guy.

I wasn't talking about anyone I know, just someone I'd seen peripherally on TV. And I think I was probably way too mean, even though I don't. But it just came up when we announced the Toronto date, which is June something. June 10th. June 12th. 12th, 13th, or 10th. It's on DougStanup.com. When we announced that, someone had given me shit about my ticket price.

And I said, it's always a dollar more than Jim Jefferies. If it's a market that Jim Jefferies plays, all I do, I don't know. You decide what you're fucking worth. So I just go, all right, a buck more than Jim Jefferies, I'm happy. Otherwise, how are you going to know? There's no fucking Kellylly's blue book all right so you look at what other people are getting and then there's this one guy i've only vaguely once heard of him when i he's flipping through showtime or something and uh and he's like

fucking more expensive than me and And I'm a fucking comic. I've just happened to one time hear this guy. And then I carried on about how stupid he looked with the caveat of I look that stupid. I guess my quote was you went back and listened that he looked like a retarded Ben, a more retarded Ben Stiller. He looked like a mixture of Bowser from Sha Na Na and a fucking idiot. And so someone caught me on Twitter and went, oh, hey, good, good description of so and so. It doesn't matter. The guys just by a strange twist of fate

and i do admit that like he has that same kind of head that you just want to smash his head in and i i have that same head i just don't have to look at it all day but that's there's a reason there's not a lot of mirrors in my house because i see my fucking head and i just want to not leave the house i don't want to ever do television that's why i hate being on camera because i immediately remember what my head really looks like not what i imagine it looks like to get through the day what it actually looks like so i just said that on a podcast a couple weeks ago well i go to los angeles why'd you go to los angeles to see your friends no i went because i had to go for a fucking esquire shoot of 20 top comics tell their favorite joke so it's like a video and then a photo shoot

so they have the 20 comics broken up into groups of five well guess who i'm in a photo shoot with me and the other fucking stupidest looking fucking the two stupidest looking guys and fucking show business in the same photo shoot with Natasha Leggero, the fucking cutest girl and fucking comedy. And that guy, he wasn't as stupid looking as he is in fucking on camera. Oh, he's way less stupid. He hams it up for the camera. So I'm going to be stupid as the whole jim carrey's the thing and plus i see him and it's daytime and i'm sober in a fucking comedy store that has no alcohol though i changed that very quickly and so i see this guy first thing i'm like oh

don't be that guy i just talked shit about on my podcast because now I have to put on my phony face. Please be Bowser. Please be Bowser. All you people. You know what? I'm not fucking. I'm going to say what I mean. Well, I'm not.

To your face, I'm not. I'll say it on my podcast. Because why would I say that to your face? Just because I thought it? Do you have to say everything to someone's face that you'd say on a podcast to be a fucking man? I'm going to ruin a photo shoot. Hey, you look really annoyingly stupid to me. I just thought I'd get that out so you didn't think I was a coward.

But that's how I felt the whole time. Oh, that's going through your head. Yeah. I just said this guy looks really stupid. I think I said he wasn't funny either. What you said was no comic would ever think he's funny. Well, no comic would. I said maybe the inflection was wrong. No comic would.

Because comics are a tough audience. See, see, this is how I'd make it up to his face. Like I heard you called me a fucking retard, retarded Ben Stiller. That wasn't funny on your podcast. Cause you're too chicken to say it to my face.

Well, what I meant was like, not funny to a comic. Like, you know how tough it is for us to laugh but we both love david tell right can we find common ground to bond over what about when you said i'm so awful and i'm irritating to look at well irritating like it's probably the photographer it's really probably the photographer and you know how you mug it up like because pretty people can't be funny look at

you know come on look at pretty people what about even dane cook fakes the bad skin it's all he's got to get out of cute i could shadow box my way out of this point is it was very hilarious that i dropped that randomly on a podcast first of all, you don't know who I'm talking about. You fucking narcs who want to start some fucking war out of this. I don't care. You don't know the guy. He's not one of the top ten. The only people you know.

He's not affiliated with any of the comedy death squad or nerdist. He's just some dude that happened to get a fucking Showtime special years ago. And has a big Italian-American draw in Toronto. And will be in the Esquire picture with you. Because Brian had to ask. Brian couldn't let the ticket price go. He's like, I don't know how he's selling two shows at that price in Toronto. No one's ever heard of him.

So he asked him, oh, I see you're playing Toronto. Two shows. Milk it out of them. Yeah, they got a big Italian-American community up there. Oh, okay. Bye. I'll fuck off then. so we do this photo shoot and you have no idea how painful it is for me to be in a photo shoot for exactly that reason if you bingo just has no more fun than watching me suffer through

a photo shoot because i i have one look and it's trying to not look that fucking retarded. And I found one face that I think is it, and it never is. I never get that face. I'm trying to copy one face I saw where I go, I don't look too retarded in that, and I should practice that face. And then they try to get you to do a bunch of fun shit. And I always tell them, I have one look, and that's all you're going to get. I can put on a fun shit and i'm like i go i always tell them i have one look and that's all you're gonna get i can put on a different coat and turn to the side i mean i have one look

and you got it you took hit the button a few times to make it sure it wasn't fuzzy you nailed it and but now i'm doing a photo shoot with this five comics total in a toilet in the comedy store and Natasha fucking Leggero, who if you were fucking with me and like clued her in on, hey, Stanhope hates nothing more than standing in front of a camera. Draw this out just to fuck with them. If you were doing that she couldn't have done a better job for your money because she wanted to be there she's one of those professional ambitious people that makes you want to fucking stab yourself in your cervix to give you a cervix

just she give you think you're finally done like they got me laying down in what like you the green room of the main room of the comedy store they it's the most beautiful green room ever uh and the second part of it there's the one with the couch in the bar and then the back part is a bathroom with all the you know the lighting mirrors where you sit down. A vanity mirror. Yeah, big vanity mirrors, like a bench of them, and then a shower and a toilet. They got me laying on the counter in front of the vanity mirrors on one elbow while the other four are goofing off around me. Like, okay, just shove over. I'm on my bad shoulder.

I'm on my fucking torn rotator cuff trying to shimmy down. I'm sweating gin sweats all over the fucking place. Well, no. Let's try, before you move all the lighting, let's try, what if we all got in the shower? And I'm like the fucking weird guy let's try before you move all the lighting. Let's try. What if we all got in the shower? And I'm like a fucking weird guy. That's not part of the group.

Cause I don't live in LA and I don't really know the other two. I just met one. And the other guy had only met once. And, and we know the other guy. Yeah. The guy, I don't know.

I'm awkward. And she's like everyone else that just makes you feel not on a purpose, but inherently like the cool fucking, you know, the cool kids, the original cool kids, the Largo, you know, lounge guys that make you immediately feel like you're talking to the hot chick in grade school that pandered to you and like talk to you away because you're the creepy kid. She doesn't mean to do it, but that's how i feel around her but she's going like before we go in the other room i'm like thank god we're fucking done no we have to go to another room but no she's got a brilliant idea let's try wouldn't it be funny if we all just got in the shower like crammed into the shower because it's a little box shower like shoving everyone into a phone booth back in the 60s. She goes, if anyone thinks this is a stupid

idea, I go, I'm going to go on the record immediately as being the first to say yes. But everyone else, because she's fucking hot as shit. Oh no, what can it hurt? What can it hurt? It hurts me to fucking be here. I hate it. I'm ruining all your pictures

but she's like well we're competing for the fucking page like he's the guy said well you know i want to work it so in case we get a two page that's what we're hoping for is to get a two page and he kept talking about the gutter i think there's an expression for where the staples go in the magazine as first of all no one's an expression for where the staples go in the magazine. As first of all, no one's reading the fucking hard copy anymore except the five comics that are in the picture in the magazine. And their parents. And not even the photographer.

So they're trying to shoot the picture with the gutter in mind. And fucking Natasha's paying attention. She's like, well, what about the gutter on that shot oh no she's like well we gotta beat there's like four teams of five comics and we have to beat them well you already lost with me

and the other fucking retarded looking guy at least he has good teeth and you keep fucking they tell me to smile you want to make this magazine fucking kick me in the balls and make me frown. These teeth are not going to get in a fucking two-page spread. So why didn't you offer to be in the gutter?

It would have solved your problem. I wasn't paying that much attention. My shoulder hurts just thinking about that position. And they kept making me shimmy up. And I'm like, ow, ow. Stinking of booze. Let's try one more she kept having another idea and then uh we all told our favorite joke on the stage uh that's a video part for the

website oh my that's the picture where that was the whole no one there right is this empty room so you're on stage telling it to the other four comedians. And yeah, it was just awkward. And then you left because Hennigan said, yeah, well, you're going to tell your favorite joke and then explain why it's your favorite joke. And this and that. Now you just told your favorite joke and everyone else stared like, I don't know what to do. And then you left awkwardly into the daylight. Into that stark... I'll never get used to that feeling of leaving, like a podcast.

You go to L.A. and you do your buddy's podcast, and you just leave. Like, after a show, it's not... You have that same feeling as after a show where you're going to go hang out or... What's next? Yeah. Where are we going?

Yeah, there's some, like, come down period, but there you just fuck off. You hang around with a bunch of people and then goodbye. All right, see you. Uber, Uber. Four Ubers. Yeah, make it five, five Ubers. None of you going the same way. Not that we know of.

We didn't care to ask. Thanks. But a lot of people don't start drinking at 3.30 in the afternoon just because there was something there. Well, we're doing this thing, so we might as well get fucking hammered, right? No, not other people. Wow, it's changed. Yeah.

But you were only visiting. Yeah, we get the fuck out of there. Yeah, you had to finish your run. Yeah, we get the fuck out of there. Yeah, you had to finish your run. Yeah, we watched our stories. We got caught up on our stories there. We had the last two episodes of The Jinx. First of all, that was while I was in the fucking tin can, in the tuna can down there.

I couldn't watch the television. So by the time I got out, it was already in the papers. The guy got arrested. But it still plays. You can still catch up on it. It was still worth every fucking minute. And we watched Going Clear, the Scientology thing, which I wish. Again, my rule that's wrong, that I've never seen a movie or a documentary that couldn't be at least one third shorter that one should have been as long as the jinx first of all if you like the jinx look up a

documentary series called the staircase which just look it up it's like the jinx there's so many things like the jinx it's a guy killed his wife maybe is charged with killing his wife find out his ex-wife was killed in a similar fashion it's eight episodes long and it's it's better than the jinx where is that it's like 10 years old now it's it was in raleigh north carolina was it an hbo or showtime i found it on like on demand before i even knew what on demand was back when we lived in la so find the staircase if you like the jinx this is as good or better it's more fucked up about how the justice system is and how they just find a way to make this guy guilty to the point where neither side his side or their side care if he's innocent

they just need to win yeah and it's grotesque but a million twists and turns you'll never see coming like this one no i was kidding uh so yeah find that the scientology that's that should be a series because there's so much that they did as fucked up or more than the stuff they showed you that they don't have time for but uh that was still fantastic and that was two documentaries in a row. The last one of Jinxed and the Scientology Going Clear, they were both top trending on. I've never seen a documentary trending on Twitter, much less in the top spot for a long fucking time. And that was wicked good.

So that Evelyn's here. Oh, my God. The dogs are not even going batshit. The dogs, as I So that Evelyn's here. Oh, my God. The dogs are not even going batshit. The dogs, as I announced, Evelyn's here. Watch the wine glass. Don't forget that. We Phillips. Okay.

But we're going to have to go to break again. Actually, we won't. We'll just come back from break again in a minute. Bye. Honey, what's got you so upset? Trying to sell this house and purchase a new house has got me pulling out my hair well have you called lane rayo at jack white real estate on centerport drive in anchorage alaska well they're all the same aren't they no honey lane

rao is uh always on time and he's always ready to help. Well, that sounds like a great change of pace because I need to get rid of this old house and put on a new house like a brand new pair of shoes. Speaking of shoes, honey, let's go shoe shopping after we talk to Lane Rao at Jack White Real Estate. Office number 907-562-6464. That's 907-562-6464.

How do you know this guy's phone number, honey? We'll talk about that next time. Jack White Real Estate. Lane Rayow, realtor. All right. Jack White Real Estate Lane Rao Realtor alright sorry for that elongated break you know when we do a long break like that we should just leave a whole

giant pause with elevator little Spanish bee girl from Ipanema yeah I was going Little Spanish Bee. Girl from Ipanema? Yeah. I was going... Little Spanish Bee, isn't it? Spanish Fly? No, it's a bee.

It's a Spanish Bee. Spanish Bee? It's a little Spanish Bee. Oh, it's the theme to the dating game. Herb Albert. Tracy should always be might. Tracy's always doing something cute and hilarious while she tweets and texts in the background. Hey, we're back.

And that was that. And Evelyn came over. Evil E. God love her. Chaley lost $2. You can only say the F word if Evelyn is smoking cigarettes because Evelyn doesn't smoke cigarettes, but a couple years ago in a drunken,

I think it was her 60th birthday party. Actually, a couple times before that, I got her to smoke cigarettes. She'll have a drink. She generally won't have more than two, even on an off night, on a big night. But I'd get her to have three and a cigarette. And then I'd get her to have a cigarette more often.

And then we made a rule, because you can never say fuck if Evelyn's around. And it was a house rule. It's in the liner notes to one of my DVDs. But more than anything, after all the thank yous, but more than anything, don't say fuck if Evelyn's around. So you lost $2. But it used to be just a scrunched up face when you said fuck, and you monetized it.

Yeah. All right. Just want to make sure how I'm losing my money. Unless she's smoking. You can say fuck if she's smoking but once she's done smoking so that was the big joke she'd have a cigarette and everyone would goof on her but then they'd all hurl the fucking f-word at her relentlessly throughout the cigarette so now i just had to have two cigarettes because she brought cigarettes because she only smokes

when she's around me and i said well now I only smoke if you come over and say fuck. So we got that worked out. So, yeah, there you go. You just, yeah, you don't quit things. You just do your best. And sometimes you got to write a book. I don't even know if I brought that up. No, you haven't.

I have on the Twitter and the Facebook. But if I haven't brought i have on the twitter and the facebook but if i haven't brought it up on the podcast that project that i was looking forward to i'm still looking forward to is i yeah i got a book deal so i have to write a book and it's uh i gotta have the fucking i have i have a deadline of uh first of september and I got gigs starting in Canada. June. In June. So I, yeah, in the next two days,

I have to go hunker up at the other house. After that trailer thing, I know I can't do it in any of the fucking huts and hovels of this compound. I hate to say compound because it makes it sound huge and lets people down who haven't been here, but there's lots of different spaces, but the fucking animals can get to all of them and they just sit there and

they scratch at the door. I learned from that 30 days in the hole. I have to go to that final fucking safe spot up the street. And that's where bingo choose fucking nicotine gum with her mouth open so i'm gonna have to shut a door get some goddamn earplugs sal from the impractical jokers when we watched that uh they did that special that we hadn't seen we had to catch up on those stories when we got back. It is, but he lists his, he has a list of things he hates. He has his seven things he hates and they listed it off in that they did a,

like a documentary kind of like tourgasm, but without assholes. Sal's the mousy guy. It usually has a almost, almost bald. No, no. Sal's the,

yeah. Sal's the squeamish guy that, the germaphobe okay oh the guy that was here yeah he was here okay yeah he was right where we're standing doing your piss roulette he was the guy squirting the gun and he had to have a rubber glove on just to touch the fucking and he was still vomiting he yeah yeah he's still wretching bingo b Bingo singled out a bathroom in the little house just for him. And had a sign on it that said, Sal's bathroom. Yeah. And no one was allowed in there.

He was talking on the thing because they're doing this tour. Because they do sketch comedy. It's all their fans. So they'd show outtakes of things they couldn't show on TV and stuff. We've been to their show a couple times and we were at the last one there uh i queued it up where there's just a quick shot of bingo we're not in the show but you can see us so i queued up a quick shot of bingo because she forgot all about it because she forgets everything in 10 seconds so it makes it easy

to surprise her and so she came in i I go, hey, you're on TV. She's like, oh, my God. I'm going to text him how we screamed when we saw us on TV. I go, don't say I screamed. You screamed. We all scream, et cetera. For ice cream. Yeah, but one of his hates.

Traffic. I always say I live my life to avoid traffic. One of the main reasons I live here. No traffic. And I still get mad going to Safeway. Fuck, come on. I want to get a speeding ticket one time. I'd love to get a speeding ticket between here and Safeway.

There's two lights, dude. But you can never get from here to Safeway. What's that? Two and a quarter miles tops without being behind someone doing five to ten miles an hour under the already too slow speed limit I just yeah one time what you do go through a school zone

and you have traffic and one left turn yeah but that and someone slow every fucking time a traffic and of course my biggest is wind if you ask anyone who's known me for more than five years they know nothing not annoys me it just it makes me anxious like the bad anxiety like high anxiety like mel brooks talked about like i am upset for no reason everything is getting ruined and that's weird because i have a real problem

around people that are like sal germaphobes so i'm the biggest slob in the world nothing is clean around me assume you're gonna catch something if you're afraid of catching something this is the place to get it cure it you can right you can cure that disease yeah germophobia here ichabod has that fucking sore a hot spot as you call it well the one the one the one is like a lump it's like a fucking he's got one foot that has two things that one thing that we've ignored is probably cancer and i hope it is because dogs don't need to live forever. But you can't tell when it's time until the vet says, oh, it's time. The other one is there's no, like, wart thing. It's just a big spot he keeps licking.

And Tracy, fucking brilliant. You've dealt with this before, but there's some kind of bitter apple, is it? It's called bitter apple. It's something that tastes like shit. You put it on the hot spot, they stop licking it because most of the sore point is when you pointed at it and go hey lick that to see if he needs more bitter apple on it is this like hideous glazed sore matted and i you know a few drinks and i wouldn't be it wouldn't be too disturbing for me to lick that to make you puke. Rather than spray the bitter apple on the back of your hand or something,

you would lick the weeping sore with matted fur. It's not weeping. It's glistening from the saliva. Glistening. Okay. Ladies, when you get a fucking microphone hey you know what you can pipe down because i just had to fucking demean myself and worse if you held me down like we were in some kind of military academy and i was the geek with leg braces and you made me lick that fucking sore it would not be as embarrassing as have having to ply votes for your

video out of my social media and what happened while we were away when we went to break and evil e showed up with cigarettes what did you find out yes don't say it because you don't have a mic. You, just from the initial tweets and Brendan Walsh, already went from worst to first. You're in first place, and don't sleep on that because what happens is whoever was in first place has a bunch of friends that they annoyed a little bit, and now they're going, oh, fuck, there's only four days left,

and we're not in first place, and now they're going to double down. And then I'm going to have to ask people again. We had 78 votes. Now we're in last place. Exactly. So, yeah. What happened?

All right. And this podcast obviously has not gone out. So, yeah. Hammer those fucking Wyoming people. Free State Project. gone out so yeah hammer those fucking wyoming people free state project if they if they had picked wyoming for the free state i probably would be living there right now i wouldn't be montana wyoming no no montana wyoming where's the where's the free state project where's that they're in new hampshire oh okay oh what yeah remember we hung out with them that's right they got mad at me because we

ditched them and i got roped into a podcast that was yeah it was weird no and we that's the people that sent me the free ticket they sent me a golden ticket yes golden ticket yes they were very i had a fucking blast with them but i'm not going to fucking new hampshire it was a secret bar it was cool as shit yeah yeah like a little speakeasy. Like the Mod Hari. All right. We're getting all over ourselves. Let me hit this, because I didn't even know you had the bottle. Someone gave me this bottle on the road at the merch booth, like a thousand other gifts. It's called the Original Texas Catsup. Comes in a hot sauce bottle.

In fact, I bet that... Spell it. Catsup. I said it. You don't have... I thought it was K. C-A-T-S-U-P. Catsup.

Texas ketchup. It's hot sauce ketchup, and it was fucking good. It's delicious. I didn't know... I know I looked for it on Google. So did I. I didn't know you had the bottle

so we could actually find out the information because we talked about it, and I'm like, I can't find it on Google. So did I. I didn't know you had the bottle so we could actually find out the information because we talked about it. I'm like, I can't find it anywhere either. This is a... It says on the bottom, Food Specialties, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana, Texas Ketchup.

The original Texas Ketchup. The original. From Indianapolis, Indiana. New York City! And it says, Established 1941. 1941 yeah with a phone number you cannot find this on google no google has no idea you exist but you've been around since 1941 and what went out of business before but someone handed us this bottle in the last year. This last tour. And it's pretty much done.

I do have to tell you, it's a lot of corn sweetener, which that's all right. But hey, we're not the food, babe. It is delicious, though. And it's a variety of spice that heretofore we have not experienced. A sweet spice. It's good. I tried to remake it just using ketchup and trying every different hot sauce, which I have at least 147. I'm afraid the door of my fridge will fall off sometimes because I get so much.

It's all condiments. Life is all condiments. That Japanese mayo. That spicy Japanese fucking mayo that's the shit we've learned how to recreate this almost I gotta figure out what kind of vinegar you put in that

this is for later probably rice vinegar rice vinegar? I would imagine I mean lice vinegar during the break I talked to Kelly about the caddy eBay thing. And I just wrote, I just put up the original listing, like all this shit.

That guy, when I bought it a year ago, we haven't done shit with it. So it's basically the exact same car he listed with all the details. Well, I mean, I added a few. You fixed a problem that he knew existed. Well, that mean, I added a few. You fixed a problem that he knew existed. Well, that's the thing. I put in four sentence paragraphs, a short blurb of, hey, this is the fucking Cadillac I bought. Bingo. For those who know me, it's pretty much the same thing.

It's been in a few parades and on a few photo shoots with bingo. Other than that, it's pretty much the same mileage. And I put a couple grand in the brakes and some shit with the steering column. Yeah. And I wrote, you still look and feel like a fat, sleazy Greek pimp driving the thing. Et cetera, et cetera. But you still get to fuck with the top. I can't figure that out without calling a guy. et cetera, et cetera. But she's still going to fuck with the top.

I can't figure that out without calling a guy. Yeah, but anyway, the point is she just submitted that. eBay already shot it down for being racist and vulgar because I said some steering column shit and a fat, sleazy Greek pimp. Oh, the Greeks. You got fucking status now. They're in the news. If you call someone a Greek,

I would love to keep changing that. Like if I said Nordic, would they go, that's racist? Like at what point white pimp? I shouldn't. When you're no longer sensitive to that. I know. If I had the time to just like selling a fucking cadillac isn't i'm just doing this for fun on ebay and then we'll sell

it locally wait a minute don't they sell the polak joke book yes they do yes they do oh and by the way uh that was something i bought it when someone's found it on ebay i bought it and then someone else maybe because someone else sent me so i have that uh it's fun to be fun to be a polack not not polish a polack polack yeah without a c uh so yeah all right if maybe we'll throw that in the glove box that extra copy into the cadillac. Oh, so you have an extra one. Oh, sneaky racism. How about that? We'll sneak racism into the glove box of the caddy. We'll work out the Cadillac for the next podcast, which shouldn't be in too long.

You should probably trade Greek for Polak, and then you could throw it back at eBay, but you sell this book. I know. That's my point. I don't have the time to sit around and get into petty fights with fucking ebay because i gotta write a goddamn book well no that's the thing i will i will because i have to write a book now and now it's getting down to

crunch time because i don't know how to write a book i've never written a book it takes me i remember when we did hey the killer termite sting When I was going back after that woman, she came after me in the press. For me, it was like Tom Cruise in whatever. Going Clear. No, no, no, no. I thought you were calling back. He was winging that. That was off the top of his head.

You can't handle the truth that movie um how they're cramming for that last night before the trial and they're all so i had to write this just defense of myself against this cunt allison pearson in the uk and she's the one that branded the fans the killer termites they came after me like a swarm of killer termites. It was great. And I, and I, it was one of those times I'm so fucking proud, but just to write an update for my site, defending myself, just to make sure everything was accurate. It was a, probably a 14 hour, 16 hour day.

And that was for an update. And now I get to write fucking 70,000 words and remember where it started what was I talking about when this started my whole fucking podcast is what was I talking about there was a title for this podcast

what was I talking about when I started this sentence it's not like Irma Bombeck where you just come up with things and there's no, you actually have a starting point. Wait, you actually read an Irma Bombeck book to know how it's laid out structurally. I think I just walked into a trap.

You just put yourself in a, you know, life's a bowl of cherries. Why am I in the pits? Didn't we all... I remember the cover. Yeah, mother had that cover. The grass is always greener over the septic tank. Huh?

Wait a minute! How did you... Mom! Mother! Fuck, what was I saying? Oh, I think... A lot of times i think you're doing it on purpose when you fuck up words like antibiotics and puma papa vodka pumas the bisbee pumas no it's pumas there it's a fucking wild cat what what what what is what did he say today repeatedly we didn't even call him on it till the second time well you about spit up whenever you were eating no we let it go the first time the

third or fourth time and the second time kept saying she said not defacing oh it was defacing public property and he kept saying defacing and they yeah this politician running for anchorage mayor and some guy kept defacing all of her they cut her head out of her uh signs and they didn't tear him down they just defaced it all right that's too many times with the defaced all right uh viewer mail hey doug i hope this fine just sent you a couple of stickers uh for my hoarder's paradise hope they find their way onto our wheelie bin yeah we put some yeah they're on there i was thinking about putting up a like a picture of the giant trash can with all

the stickers you said except that one guy who sent 8 000 stickers and most of them were like motor oil shit had nothing to do with you. I put your good ones up. And yeah, but yeah, they're on the top and the sides. And I'm not taking pictures of that, but I thank you. And another guy. Wait, I think you need to reiterate. I'll just say Matthew Casey.

Yeah, you sent a letter. I'm not doing this all the time. This is snail mail. People wrote you letters. I know. Yeah, there you a letter. I'm not doing this all the time. This is snail mail. People wrote you letters. I know. Yeah, there you go. I letterman the letter. This one, Chris Robinson.

I listen to the podcast, something or other. See, when we did this every day, I'd have the letter with this shit. I've read the books. I got them. I'll just say thank you, Chris Robinson. From the Black Rose? He won the lottery on the stupidity of the... I can't.

I don't... Yeah. You should pre-read these. I did a few days ago. That's the problem. We're not doing this every day. This needs to be postcards, like you said earlier. They need to be postcards.

The fucking guy from Belgium. You know what? Just look at the... What do you call that the thumbnail photo on my website your picture is the thumbnail photo and i staged it to make it look like it's in the middle of the podcast and your book is subtly in the background you might notice it in that photograph and then this other guy he wrote he's a nice letter. I forgot what it said, but I go, oh, this guy's very nice. With a pin.

He's the guy, he sent me this giant, like 14 pound, that slab of, what are you, it's not even a, it's not a sculpture. It's plaster. It's a relief. A relief. A relief. Yes. That's going to fucking wash with my fan base. I don't know what it is.

It's a relif. Whatever it is. It's, imagine a picture you put on your wall, but it's made out of fucking granite and you sent it poorly packaged. You put you put a chunk of cement, like 15 pounds of cement, like a more like a 12 by 16 chunk of cement with a wire on the back. And you wrapped it in paper thinking it's going to make the trip inside a cardboard box well yeah that showed up in pieces but there's a lot of other shit that's cool stuff on bullshit a little book called on bullshit there's another book of people's correspondence and a pen and yeah a lot of stuff it's nice he sent some nice stuff and thank you bingo really uh

enjoyed this oh and this is fucking topical megan podwin bingo's coming over to she won't talk on the microphone but she's pointing out megan podwin right. Anyway, she made a picture out of the video that you're fucking voting for. How about that? How about that for timing, Megan? Tell them where to go. They know where to go. Shit, I don't even remember. Wyoming short film competition.

And the O up above is the video. This is a picture from the thing. Handmade. I don't know how you describe this. What am I, fucking working for QVC? It's like you... It's probably... What I would say is it's a screen grab, but a line drawing, and then she...

That's it. ...did a bunch of like mosaic kind of tiles. It's fucking awesome. This is why, Chaley, when I have an idea for a t-shirt, like the disease t-shirts, which you're not fucking jumping on. And we have so many great graphics. You gave that to your fans to do. I know. But now we have a million things.

But I have to go. Well, I wanted to look. I have to find things that it looks like and then point to them. Like I'm a Chinese guy at Burger King for the first time. And I have to point at the picture because i don't mosaic i wouldn't have come up with that word i'm not in that line of work that's what it is though i already plugged the guy on ebay on twitter uh but i'll plug him again some guy on ebay was sent these things he's selling they he calls it pop art

and uh they're just pictures there was a picture of me and a picture of Bingo. Pop out. I'm sorry. It says pop out. All right. I thought it said pop art on eBay. Popoutart.com. If you put Doug Stanhope on eBay, you're not going to find much other than a bunch of DVDs and CDs.

Pop out. Okay, there you go. Pop out arts and CDs. Pop Out. Okay, there you go. Pop Out Art. Thank you. PopOutArt.com. www. This is on the back, the thing he sent. .popout-art.com.

www.popout-art.com. Or go to eBay and put in Doug Stan stanhope art and you'll find these yeah it's that molester uh picture i took with the bible but not the one with the bible but the same setting sitting and a crazy bingo thing they're fucking cool and in the description this is here's the rub i find that on ebay and in the description it said doug starob comedian blah blah blah it said used to be funny not only did he say that but it's use use to be funny so i just sent him an email because i fucking love the art and i said uh i'm not a guy who buys artwork of himself often

this is just really fucking poppy kind of andy warhol but pink cool so i said hey uh saw your thing this is doug stanhope first of all it's used to be funny used to be funny and i love your art if you send me some free ones i'll fucking plug it i already did on ebay First of all, it's used to be funny. Used to be funny. And I love your art. If you send me some free ones, I'll fucking plug it. I already did on eBay, and he sold out of bingo shit. He said limited editions, but we don't know how. Is it numbered? It's numbered.

You got both yours and bingo's one of 50. Oh, we both got number one? All right, so maybe there's 49 that are going to come out. No, they're gone. All right, well, he had a few up of each of us, so he might have more. I don't know. Fuck them.

I wouldn't stop at 50. Not if I sold 30. Oh, look, I found a suitcase full of 40 more. We don't steal Bibles that aren't really stolen from hotels. So you give us that. I fucking steal newspapers from safeway but i had to stop because i ratted myself out and now when i buy a single newspaper i'm waiting for someone at safeway to like look inside of it so one of the local bisbee narcs that fucking plastic bag cunt listens to my podcast just to find my Achilles heel and then call Safeway. He's bragging about stealing from you.

You should pat him down. Other people sent some stuff. And if I didn't mention it, I'm sorry. We've been fucked for a while but uh I'll be hanging around writing a book so I will be desperately wanting to podcast just to get away from my responsibility and I appreciate the time that you put into that fucking two seconds of voting for that dumb thing that I had to fucking take jisma in my contact lens. Figuratively, that's how it felt.

That's how it felt. And you know what? I'll give back by putting out more podcasts of this quality and sometimes not as good. But I'll do it for you because I care. I think if you left me with a button that lights up and a microphone, I'd put out 30 or 40 shitty podcasts a day, not even noticing there's no wires to anything. Like the easy button from Office Depot or Staples. But I just get some turpentine and wipe off the easy.

You wouldn't even know that it's like embossed easy on top that's on that's on yeah you're talking grandpa i'm your 48 year old grandfather with alzheimer's disease shitting in a fucking diaper and slapping the button okay we're back push here and you're on the air mr stanhope uk uh fuck uh that started Mr. Stanhope. UK. Fuck. That started going batshit. They had to stop the pre-sales for the Apollo Hammersmith. So you could, I don't know, that might already be in play. But I know Brian said, oh, they had to stop the pre-sales. It's up on the site. Notice I must be getting tired.

I can't even force a really bad Brian Hennigan Scottish. Oh, they had to stop the pre the p cell so there'd be hard tickets to sell you uh anyway that's blew your load earlier with the soccer marmalade yeah all right we'll go back to that uh so i get a lot of emails going well since you're here are you gonna play there and i don't know beats the fuck out of me. I got to fucking write a book, man. I think I'm worried about the fall. It's not even... It's still freezing at night here.

And I live in the desert. It's later. I don't know. I'm going to play a bunch... Yeah, I'm going to play somewhere other than the Apollo Hammersmith. So I don't know what's close. It's probably not going to be your coffee shop. And it's not going to be a place to go to.

Well, I have a 40-seater underground place that's open after hours. I'm not going to be able to make that. And I'm not going to trash you for offering because when you stop offering, it's just like weed. I don't smoke for offering because when you stop offering, it's just like weed. I don't smoke it, but if you stop asking, I'm going to start feeling like I did something wrong. It's like losing a stalker. Hey, remember Haroon? He was our London stalker boy.

He was like a London Butters at the time. He's this young kid. He's going to medical school, and he'd walk us home against our will. But he grew on us like Butters did. Oh, because you played multiple nights in one venue. Yeah, yeah. We did a run. It started before Leicester Square.

It was at the Soho Theater, I thought. And we had a long walk home, and he'd walk with us. He wasn't protection by any means butters could take him that's how that's how weak this kid was but uh yeah and then he stopped coming and we're like fuck whatever happened to harun do i stink now it's my act awful am i washed up because harun isn't stalking me and then he showed up last time we were at the Apollo Hammersmith, and I fucking hugged him. I swear to God, if I didn't hug him, I hugged you in my heart, Harun.

I thought, maybe I'm making a comeback. Did you ask him what happened? Nah, he just fucking gets caught up in shit. Oh, he lived a life. It turned out that he actually had a life. It's never happened to you with a chick? It just wouldn't fucking stop showing up at gigs. Come on, you were Twiggy, for Christ's sakes.

You had to have a girl that dressed up like a fucking Marilyn Manson groupie. Like a girl with no self-esteem? You'd fuck her, and she'd wake up, and she goes, I don't really like the band either. It's just a gig for me, too, dude. Beat it. I'd fuck her with a dildo. I wouldn't use my real dick.

She'd have a fake pussy. Both wake up and be laughing over coffee. Like the Pina Colada song all over again. Hold it up higher. You guys go Google the Pina Colada song, and I'm going to close on that. I love you. I'll talk to you soon.

Hey, for one time in a long time, play the Matoid. One, two, three, seven, yeah. Right on, baby. The breeze is here And the casket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady Let's play it for the man

For the last time Play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man, for the last time Play it for the man, farewell Play it for the man, for the last time Play it for the man, praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party

Got to go on with the funeral party You got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Now the priest is talking And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the cruise Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man

Farewell, play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Praise the Lord and we got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Everybody cry! Yeah Yeah Praise the Lord Yeah

Yeah Praise the Lord We got the dawn with the funeral party We got you gone with the funeral party We got you gone with the funeral party We got you gone with the funeral party Party, party, party, party, party, party Bye.