The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #65: Doug and Chad Shank

Episode Date: April 10, 2015

Chad's Ren Fest weekend and the Free the Nipple, Boner Shaming twitter kerfuffle. Plus, the Bisbee Observer Police Beat.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded April 08, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Please vote for Bingo's video, “OH UP ABOVE”, in the WY SHORT FILM CONTEST - - http://bit.ly/1E5XAVZBOBO'S FISH AND CHIPS - http://on.fb.me/1GSWugLGay Baby Calendar - http://gaybabiescalendar.com/EDWARD SNOWDEN documentary - “CITIZENFOUR” - https://citizenfourfilm.com/Intro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Funeral Party” by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one who's drinking tonight Another lucky winner.

Going the last two tickets to the Apollo Hammersmith. That was a lucky caller 17. And now it's officially sold out. So what else are we going to do in England? Wait and find out. Thanks for tuning in. It's 12 to the top of the hour. And we have, oh, my God, not just Greg Chaley on the Doug Stanhope podcast.

We have motherfucking Chad Shank back in the house. Hello. Hello. Thank you very much for having me over. I appreciate it. We appreciate it. Fucking viewership goes up like a thousand percent to the thousands.

And that's... I got some notes, but I wrote them down quickly, so I don't really have... But first of all, since yesterday's podcast, we're right back in the fucking thing. This won't necessarily come out in a day from the one that went out today, but we are doing it twice in a row. Are we going to just don't get used to it, kids? I got fucking shit to do. I got a book to write.

But we did mention yesterday that Texas ketchup. I haven't even told you this yet. Texas cats up. You probably didn't hear on the podcast because some dude gave us. It's called Texas cats up. And it comes in a hot sauce bottle, like a, you know, like a tap it to you or whatever.

Small. Yeah. Yeah. Small bottle of wicked good. It's ketchup. He hot sauce or hot saucy ketchup. Nice. And we fucking loved it.

And then we get home, we've been using it and you Google it. There's no such fucking thing. Like if Google doesn't know about something you're eating, then what what do you do that has a label you know i have a jar of shit in a tapatio bottle that's got a label that joey made too i don't think it's but this has an actual label oh i brought it in yeah with you with the manufacturer has a phone number we called the phone number and it goes to one of those likeooky, what are the fake office things that every other podcast actually sponsors. Hey, do you want to act like you're a real business?

Go to this. So it goes, hey, you have reached. You've reached Texas Ketchup. No, no. It has their parent company is something like standard products, like something completely vague. A parent company. Like all the fraud telemarketing that we ever did was Midwest Distributing.

It's all in Vegas. American Distributing, something products. So, yeah, we called. But I mentioned it on the podcast fucking this morning, and a guy tweeted. He dropped it. It was the fort wayne show okay in indiana and uh because it was had an indianapolis number he's like you know what i

think he goes i stole that shit from work he works at a barbecue place in fort wayne he goes i think maybe they only sell it at my work which would would make sense. If this is a company that you can, hey, if you have some shit you want to sell, we'll bottle it and then you can sell it. Your recipe. So he said, get ready to get a whole bunch of fucking stolen bottles.

That's more. And he didn't, when I said, he said, that was me. I'm glad you liked it. Because I don't remember the fucking merch booth. I knew it was some merch booth transaction. A heavy handshake of Texas ketchup. Yeah.

I go, well, why doesn't it exist? I'm going to send you a bunch more. And I go, well, why doesn't it exist on Google? And he said, I think it's from my barbecue place. He didn't even say the name of the barbecue place he works for so it's not even like he has pride in the company

hey that's our hookup fucking that's a win send us the fucking recipe we can make our own Bisbee catsup bingo's catsup it'll be available at the next time you come see us. We'll be selling the

shit to you. The only blue cats up on the market. Blue hot sauce. If it tastes good, she ate blue hot sauce as a ringtone for you

Oh hey the song last night you were trying to think of Yeah It was Spanish Flea Oh alright Cause I know people are like you fucking idiots Cause I'm saying Spanish Fly And you're all saying Spanish Bee Together we're right

Herb Albert Spanish Flea Alright Exactly what I was talking about right here. What? Oh, just because I realize I write notes and then I can't ever see them during the thing because I have to put on my reading glasses and then get away from the microphone. And I realize I'm completely and solely responsible for the font size when I write notes.

So I can write big notes and not have to put on fucking reading glasses. But I don't. You can write with a Sharpie. I could. I fucking bought Sharpies today. No, they're right here in front of you. No, I bought other ones.

Well, but I'm saying we have the tools. All right. Well, I'm going to put that up there. That's the other thing. That's always in the way. Oh, we got a goddamn board. What do you call those?

Marker boards for right here. Whiteboard. A whiteboard. A whiteboard at the goddamn thrift store. At the Salvation Army in Sierra Vista. For $5. No, no. And then 30% off because it's in the bric-a-brac bam the oh the woman has as do you ever go to that uh salvation army no it's oh i've been a couple of times but not it's a i score almost every time and it's everything is discounted above what it's called and it's completely

ridiculously cheap anyway and it's always discounted to the point where today i had to buy a pair of pants for five dollars and ten cents and she had to ask she goes this isn't discounted at all is that all right Because almost everything is always discounted. You gave her a trucker sound. It was this full price, okay? That's what she sounded like. You gave her a... I gave her a Negro sound.

I gave her an old Negro sound. Y'all are going to have to pay full price for this, all right? I'm going to just sit and pay this. Yeah, it's weird then when they ask that because, yeah. I've never been asked that. Ichabod, come on, get the fuck out from under my feet, you fucking needy cocksucker. So, Chad Shank, I want to update the bingo thing

because the killer termites I hate saying that first of all it always sounds a lot like Opie and Anthony had the pests pests that was their thing and killer termites always sounded like it was derivative now it's got its own backstory.

And I know the fucking OPAF thing doesn't care. This is organic, the way it came about. Some fan gave it to you. Well, the shirt. No, the fuck. It was the Marcus Fletcher. The name was a detractor of yours, though, right? Yeah, it was the reporter that my fans went after on Twitter.

So, yeah, they went after the bingo video, which again, it's always painful to go, Hey, will you vote for a thing online? But yeah, you're, you're in the lead,

which is probably sad. Cause I watched the video that you're, you're going to beat and it's pretty fucking good. It's not some sad music video. It's got zombies and shit. Zombies are hot. Yeah. It's got like rodeo guys uh in wyoming it's very wyoming oriented yeah it's pretty good goddamn video and uh yeah they

have like hot chicks riding zombies like if you took walking dead and it was you and your kids and you have fucking let's wrangle some of these up and gag them and ride them and see if you can do eight seconds of Walking Dead zombie. That's a pretty good fucking video right there. I think you're sending a mixed message. I'm not. I'm saying sorry. You know, sometimes it's who you know. Sometimes the zombies don't win.

No. Yeah. Sometimes the zombies don't win so uh thank you for that and brendan walsh of course at brendan walsh brendanwalsh.com uh he fucking there's still a week to go let's not fucking lay back on our laurels but but Brendan Walsh, since I, yeah. Brendan Walsh, did you see this? Gay baby's calendar. That was one of the things.

When I go on vacation, like this vacation in particular, we had to go to a lot of places. First of all, the pages were stuck together. The first one I tried to turn. Sorry, that was in the bathroom for a while. We didn't get this till March. Just saying is all. What Brendan Walsh did with it before he gave it to us in March.

January and February. For the record, we're sticking together. All right. it's sealed that's that's trying to pull the pages apart oh that's a pretty good picture oh wow that's like a dominatrix uh interracial uh big gay baby situation calendar and the only reason i have this because i packed if you remember i packed with burner usually i'll bring like burner socks i'll just buy all right i've we've talked about this i have enough money i can go to walmart and buy a dozen socks that's 67 cents a piece and just leave them behind and not carry around filthy sink this time for mexico i had it worked out, so I was bringing burner clothes, I had a burner suit, I'm not gonna,

I'm not gonna give this coat back to the fucking thrift store, because it doesn't fit right, I'm gonna bring it to Mexico, and I'll wear it down there, and just leave an entire suit behind, so that when I finally get done with this vacation, I'm coming home with a backpack, a loose backpack, and that I had to go, ah, fuck, he gave me this. I don't want extra shit. I'm getting rid of everything. But gay baby calendar was fucking hilarious. Oh, my God, that's great.

So you can get the Brendan Walsh gay baby calendar at gaybabycalendar.com. It's on the back. Is that right? Oh, no, it's on the inside. On the back it says, Thank you. Thank you for purchasing a 2015 gay baby calendar.

We hope you enjoyed the calendar as much as we did making it. All of the babies in this calendar are gay. Every month, we've invited you to explore the world with our group of gay babies as they experience marriages, sports, hikes, holidays, etc., and the activities enjoyed by both gays and straights, but with the exception that these babies were all born gay. The Gay Babies Calendar, because you're born that way. Give them the website. Make sure I get the website right.

Gaybabiescalendar.com or email them at gaybabiescalendar at gmail.com Alright. That's our sponsor. So yeah, that's going to go from here into your thrift store.

Really? Oh yeah, definitely. This is, and I thought about this was a gag we did on the man show. It's a definite thing Brendan Walsh would do, but we shouldn't even be talking about this. Yeah, we can. Just fucking insinuating weird

shit into your thrift store. And let's just see who... We did a gag on the man show where we just put weird shit into some dude's yard sale and then go how much is this a nambla t-shirt or just like a giant chunk of roast meat like like just hold it up excuse me how much for the like raw beef and just do that but do it in the thrift store. Like bring in your own items like covertly and then go, I'm sorry. There's no price tag on this.

And you're holding up some fucking crazy weird thing. Yeah, exactly. Or drop off stuff that's insane and have a way that it's trackable to the next place that it goes to the thrift store. Oh, I don't even know. Is that legal? I traded in my Harley for like an off-road Ranger vehicle. A Raptor? I was looking for a Ranger. It's like a Polaris Ranger.

Four-wheel. Yeah, four-wheel drive. Like you sit. So I can drive up the top of Car Canyon, and up at the top there, there's a website called geocaching where people hide shit and you can go over and do it and you can hide things that get tracked along where they go but you could do the thrift store equivalent of geocache thrift caching thrift caching yeah

pass it around you get it here you drop it off in the next great idea write that down thrift caching and if anyone knows i i don't want you to google it but if anyone works with spy cams like this shit we used to use eyeglass cam but at this point buddy holly thick rim like if you've ever used any of the spy cam shit like the some of the just pen like clickable pen and you know body cam shit if you if you use that shoot an email doug at doug stanhope.com or doug stanhope at hotmail.com it's the same fucking thing doug it's doug stanhope just gets forwarded there but yeah let me know uh because i i've always wanted to get some cheap shit. What?

No. Am I rambling? No. No, you're not. You guys looked at each other. The dog is at my feet. Yeah. Fucking kick the fucking dog. It's not a problem.

It was only a problem when you needed me to be looking at you and I wasn't. I'm sorry. All right. When I said that, you both looked at each other like I'm on fucking hidden camera right now. No. Maybe you did give me a contact. You guys make me feel really good about my paranoia problems. We don't usually have this paranoia.

I don't know what's going on. So, yeah, that's what made the cut out of Mexico. Gay baby's calendar. It really is a gay baby's calendar. Mexico, Shawnee and Gretchenchen i don't know if you know but they've they've since we've met them for eight years oh no you gotta go to mexico they go to mexico all the time and they drive and they they enjoy their day and they're not fucking horrified and i don't know i have no. But there are two people that will never listen to you say,

I have no interest. If they want you to have interest in it, they're going to pound on you for years. And they finally, they say, oh, well, you should go. I go, I just want to island. And once I said island, well, no, the one place we go to is Isla Mujeres, and it's right off of Cancun.

And she starts telling me about it. And she's like, there's not even cars there. You take a ferry, you fly into Cancun, and then you get a shuttle to the ferry. And then you take a ferry. And already that should be too many steps. Like planes, trains, and automobiles, and boats, and fuck. No, and then when you get there there it's just this small island it's like four miles long and there's no cars it's just everyone drives around in a golf cart and you can drink and drive your golf cart all

over and explore and you go that sounds fucking awesome and it's. So I look it up and it's cheap and flights there are cheap. For all the places I look for for an island, I'm like, this is fucking great. And it worked out because we had to do that through Portland and then to L.A. And then there's a nonstop to Cancun from L.A. on Delta because I'm a fucking brand whore. Because the miles, boom, boom i'm there and a flight that wasn't too bad back coming through atlanta and so i booked it and all this fucking rosy it's just golf carts and joggers drinking and driving yeah there's taxis if you need them but everyone else is just bicycles rickshaws and cheap hotels and then i get a hotel she's like oh that's right downtown

she asked me where i'm staying she goes yeah i just talked to my friends that live down there you're coming on easter weekend that's a huge place because fucking mexicans still believe in jesus i guess well catholicism is pretty big yeah so they yeah the learning curve hasn't got exactly to that area yeah and the type of funding we send them isn't gonna fucking talk them out of jesus that keeps them working uh so yeah it's not only is it uh jesus weekend it's fucking still spring break so we get over there and every fucking golf cart taxi cab moped it's it's as insane as like mumbai only tiny if you just had a tiny mumbai where there's only one time mopeds are beeping and fucking golf cars i the only place i would go i find the fucking place we're staying which is hey windham, Wyndham, at Wyndham

Hotels. It's world marked by Wyndham. Well, you know what that is? It's some fucking grifter timeshare place where you won't put your fucking name on the goddamn hotel. No cabbie. You know, you get fucking clogged by the cabs. Where are you going? I'll carry your bags. I'll take you to the cab.

And I go, world marked by Wyndham? You know, Wyndham Hotels? You know, it's kind of like a fifth brand in the United... Never heard of it. Not a fucking... Carry your own shit. Yeah, no fucking urchins selling chicklets.

Nobody. No. Is it Villa Vega? What? Villa Vega? No, Worldmark by Wyndham. Villa Vega? Oh, no, it was Villa Vega

is what it used to be called and still has a giant fucking sign everywhere when they finally pulled it up there because I'm showing him my Expedia reservation on my phone with the address and he drives me to the address where it says Villa Vega fucking resort paradise, everything but Wyndham fucking hotel. I don't know why I haven't been trashing

you fucking Wyndham hotels. So, uh, yeah. So, so we get there and now I'm just pissed off because I'm already hung over. I'm getting there a day late. We have three days. It's afternoon. off because i'm already hung over i'm getting there a day late we have three days it's afternoon and i asked the guy at the hotel a the only bar at the hotel who does it we had to explain vodka to them by pointing at the bottle oh shit they didn't understand the country but yeah vodka was that and i'm like all right the bar is not important to them. It's just something at the pool. They have a swim-up bar, so they're used to... Margarita, margarita, because that's all you want is beer. So I asked, and there was a restaurant directly across the street. If you can cross it...

Fucking every stupid American trying to figure out how a golf cart works in this little tiny residential two lane. But that's the main highway. The drag. I found a restaurant across the way. And they're open seven days, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I ate every fucking meal for three days. It was the green Verde.

If you ever go to Isla Mujeres. It was called Verde Green. Yeah, I know. I saw the picture on Twitter. Whatever. Verde Green, Green Verde. On the island of women? Yeah.

It's all a green place. Eco green. And we recycle everything. Really nice food. Nice presentation. That's not why you went. Wait a minute. I'm stoned.

It was called what again? Verde green or green Verde. It's called green green. Green green. Yes. I'm sorry. I missed it. I'm fucked up.

Doesn't matter. I wanted to give him a plug. Okay. And the one time we did go out which bingo let's go out tonight I was kind of having fun reading a book honey let's save it up for tomorrow night

I'm really sunburned let's go out tonight we went into downtown which if it turns out we're at the other end of the fucking island where it's still chaos traffic like that you get into downtown then it's serious Mumbai fucking just because it got worse. Yeah.

In downtown where she talked us out of staying for cheap with just golf carts. Well, no, this is a walking traffic. This is where we I said, just take us downtown. I don't know where. So they drop us off at Bourbon Street of the Island. So it's just walking traffic. Oh, excuse me. Pardon.

Sorry. I'm sorry. And people handing you pamphlets. Come on in. Two for one. Two for one. Come here. You want to eat?

So we just, I go, take a left. Just get down a side street. And we found, I saw the bar. And I go, that's the fucking bar. There was a bartender. It was like a 10-seater. It's like Becker's Place. The birdhouse.

Only if Becker's Place were half outside and half inside. So it's like a 10-seater in a U-shaped bar with one bartender. And she's American. And she's wearing like, she's wicked tall, blonde, with like a dominat dominatrix police hat on and and like eight guys all old you know expatriates they say they say Brandy what a fine girl they're old sailors staring at this young girl and I'm like I'm scoping it out and there's I go there's not two seats together

but it's no one's around this this is like this shady place down so we did one more lap around and came back down fucking bourbon street maybe we don't come on in come on in and we're like fuck it let's check that one more time and if if there's two seats, otherwise we're getting the fuck out of here and go drink booze in the room. And we went in and we got two seats. They made two seats for us. Yeah. And it was the fucking best. I immediately texted.

I told you last night. Andy texted me a picture he took of me on Bar Rescue. That's me and John Taffer. He took it off the TV. He took a picture of the of me on bar rescue that's me and john taffer that he took it off the tv he took a picture of the tv yeah and he texted some funny fuck thing to me but i've kept that and i've i've used that when i go into bars like i'll blow that up on my phone and and whip it out like a business card where I would never want to name drop. But if you don't name drop up, if you're name dropping down to John Taffer, I consider that name dropping down. And since he texted, I can't tell you how many times I've pulled that out in bars.

Oh, yeah. Andy's the one who did it first. Yeah. We're in that bar in Portland. He goes, hey, this guy's from Bar Rescue. They're doing reconnaissance on you right now. Because every bartender watches Bar Rescue the same way every comic watches Last Comic Standing.

You don't want to. It's not a good show. You don't want to fuck yourself out of an overpour, though. If they're going to overpour to start with, then they're going to start pouring. Oh, shit. And he's setting himself up as the guy who's like, hey, look, I shouldn't be doing this.

But I want you to know, this guy over here, he's reconnaissance. Yeah, double. Single price for a good here, he's reconnaissance. Yeah. So, yeah, double. Single price for a good double. That's the angle. Heavy pour. Heavy pour. So, yeah, that bar is Bobo's Fish and Chips. So if you ever happen to...

Bobo's Fish and Chips. I met Bobo. With 12 fucking... And Julia is the bartender. Yeah, you can find Bobo's 12 fucking Julia is the bartender yeah you can find Bobo's fish and chips you can find them on the Facebook there I think I don't know I googled them I didn't see the Julia but

she's on Facebook because Gretchen who sent us there in the first place said oh my friends are fucking I wish I knew how Facebook worked or cared enough but it was weird because Bingo's on Facebook she actually interacts

and Gretchen said oh if you're down there look for my friends Doug and Bingo if you're on the island because they have friends that live there she posted on Facebook that you were going to be down there and the bartender saw and this again this is a bar that holds 10 people.

That's the bar. There's one table behind that. One table that fits four people. That's it. It's smaller than the room we're in. That's smaller than the birdhouse. That is smaller than the birdhouse. It's smaller than the birdhouse. I'm just saying that capacity that you just said, that is smaller.

Right. Yeah. She went, I'm pretty sure I served them more than a few last night. We were there for about an hour. And Bingo's drinking pint glasses of vodka soda and just sucking them down. And we had to leave within an hour. Under an hour. We were like, no, let's go out.

Dead sober to fucking wrecked and right before she told me she was wrecked that julia is the bartender i believe if i fucked up your name that's not gonna not gonna hurt our long-term relationship she goes what are you guys from she's she said wisconsin or canada i wish i remembered because it would be a nice shout out to the people who are from there and i go i think it was wisconsin and i said no why she goes well you just you're pounding these cocktails down and it doesn't seem to phase you so i figured it was you got a high tolerance in that area. Somewhere where there's a high unemployment rate. Yeah. Whoever it was, you get a nice.

And immediately I'm like, yeah, I don't feel hammered at all. But then again, all I've been doing is eating those fucking green Verde burritos and sitting and doing nothing but reading and getting fat, not burning a fucking calorie, but eating them all. Boredom eating. I get sunburned immediately the first fucking afternoon. And then the next day I'm just reading a fucking book all day and eating burritos. You're like those ducks that they use for foie gras. Where they stick a tube down his throat,

and they're just shoving burritos from Verde Green down you. But you enjoyed that vacation. Yeah, I read a fucking book. I read a book. It was so good. If I mentioned it, I don't care if I mentioned it before on the podcast. Al Jurgensen from Ministry. Evidently, we heard about this on bill burr or that's where

you heard about that's when i first got the book i if you heard it there i heard it no we were on tour and we were listening to the bill burr monday morning podcast and he raved about this book and i'm like al jorgensen from ministry why is he reading that book and the stories that bill burr gave were like are you fucking kidding me? He's I mean, and then I bought the book while we were driving to the gig on eBay. But I I left it in storage. Seeing the cover and went, oh, fuck, I want to read this book now. Now hurry up with this, which you never do because you won't take time to read. And then I left it in storage in Seattle and I forgot about it for about a year.

and then I left it in storage in Seattle and I forgot about it for about a year now. Well, the fucking book deal I got was with the same people that did that book. So when I met with that guy in LA, he gave me a couple books. He gave me some blues guy who I don't give a shit about and that ministry. And even still, it took me several days.

That cover looks familiar. Oh, you didn't know right away it wasn't until i asked you when i get back i go did you have this book because i just finished it yeah that was the second thing i knew there were two things because i gave baby's calendar and i'm like i got it generally i leave books behind uh i'll force myself to finish it in time to leave it at some weird non-English speaking half dollar resort so someone has something to read when they get there but yeah that had to come home and get passed on

I've read the dirt I've read Keith Richards book it's just so far beyond. And, you know, I'm always looking for bullshit. And all the stories, they don't even they they sound like, holy fuck. But they don't sound like someone who's exaggerating. I'm trying to put this into words. Either way, they're all stories where, for the most part,

if he was lying, he's naming a bunch of names that would come out and go, that's fucking bullshit. Call him on it, yeah. He would have been sued already for fucking, yeah, lying. Like they seriously have people who check some of this shit. Yeah, there would have been lawyers who shut that down as not true. Yeah, a publisher would have been on it. Yeah, no, he co-wrote it with a guy or it's, you know.

And he thanks him at the end for, you know, fact checking. And this guy does like interviews throughout. So he has some stories about his childhood where he goes, all right, come on. Like really by the time you're not even 14, you're already out of a fucking mental institution, moving across the country, and now you're in a rodeo and getting your whole entire rib cage broken.

You're not 14. And then it cuts to him interviewing the stepfather, and the stepfather's going, you know, they don't like each other. And so this guy who's a journalist, not just some asshole friend of his. So, yeah, it's immediately believable and horrifying. It's fucking insane because I read half of it, almost half of it, before I lost track of the book itself. I'm stoked you brought it back because, yeah, I'm next on that.

And then Tracy is going to jump on it. Good. It's a good read. Good read. So that's, yeah, that's that. Now I have to go to other notes. Actually, no. Do we have to take a break?

The turkey's done. We can. I had a fucking 15-pound bird out there waiting to be ate. Fresh. Oh, we got to do potatoes and shit? That's microwave shit? That's microwave stuff. That's like three minutes. Well, yeah,

Chad's got fucking stories, so let's take a break, make cocktails. Yeah, Chad's got some stories and I get some other shit that I can't read. Do you want a Sharpie? Please hold. What the hell? We're not getting any more sober.

It's not even about the turkey at this point. It's about the Negroni. And when your girlfriend said, you know, that's all booze. And I said, yeah, I know. But then I realized how much booze that is. That's a healthy size glass. It's a rocks glass, a big rocks glass. It's a rocks glass. A big rocks glass.

It's delicious. Yeah, I'm going, we better get this fucking podcast over with. Or at least going. It makes me feel more comfortable because I'm pretty fucking buzzed up now. Sorry. And Chaley, I know rules don't apply

like they used to, but you do have a new cocktail, so throw it out there. I had to slow down from the Negroni. Oh, actually, no, that's not a new cocktail. We did do these once before, but they were supposed to be with slow gin, which we had to go to Sierra Vista to get. Well, the recipe you gave me, it was when I was out of the convention, was a Charlie Chaplin. you gave me, it was when I was out of the convention, was a Charlie Chaplin. One ounce of gin, one ounce of apricot brandy, and one ounce of lemon juice. And when the gal at the bar that we were at in

St. Louis, when she came to the table, she goes, here's your martini. And I'm like, wait, what? Because it's slow gin not gin in a charlie chaplin and slow gin is not really gin it's a fucking flavored like a it comes in a hyrum walker bottle which is always a bad thing and all that shit the fucking blackberry brandy which we are going to be drinking sherry's berries because i want to fucking prove to you. The Godiva white chocolate shit, I couldn't get here, so I had to get it in the mini bottles. And it's $4.79 just for a mini bottle.

A mini? For the white chocolate. I could have got the dark chocolate, but fuck the dark chocolate. No. White chocolate. If you want the Sherry's Berries the way I wrote the fucking thing. I do. I just may need a place to sleep.

Do not ever buy Sherry's Berries, ladies and gentlemen. Do not buy them. Just drink this drink. It's Myers Dark Rum with a half part of Blackberry Brandy and then a half part of Godiva white chocolate liqueur. And that's at Sherry's Berry's? Fucking chocolate berry and his fucking rum. And fuck your lady and what she thinks.

And don't buy shit from Sherry's Berry's. That's probably a quarter of the price of Sherry's Berry's. I'm trying a new strategy. I'm trying to black market fucking people into giving me... You want me to fucking not say shit about your company? Fucking make me say something nice about your company for money. Otherwise. Oh, wait till you try my fucking insurance drink.

Hey, insurance. Doug Stanhope, strong arm marketing. Fucking sure. It's just get hammered and drive really fast on an e-shirt. E-shirts is two parts Southern Comfort. Hey, let's do eight. Tracy, can you make us three Dollar Shave Club shots? Yeah, yeah.

Flaming Dollar Shave Club. You grow a beard and you just get fucking Evan Williams plastic jug whiskey and and sewer water sour cream shaving cream on top actual shaving cream

sour cream plastic jug whiskey and a beard dollar shave club shots fuck you cream plastic jug whiskey and a beard. Dollar Shave Club shots. Fuck you. Before we get too hammered. I only walked in on him telling Bingo about it

and Chad Shank was at the fucking Renaissance Festival. The Ren Fair. I had to go to the Ren Fest. When my kid was younger, we used to take him to the Renaissance Fair for his birthday. And this year he wanted to go. He's out on his own, but he didn't want to. How old is he?

He's like 23. So this would be his first year driving all the way down there and stuff. So he wanted us to go with him. How far away was it? It's about three and a half hours. Oh, wow. Over down by Phoenix in Apache Junction. All all right but we stayed at gold canyon resort it's a fucking really nice place except for i paid extra money to have this where i wish that i had people to fucking call and bitch at people

like you do when you have hotel problems because i called that guy by the way and fucking the some chick just answered with did you have your i just threw up voice this no i don't know the difference between that one and the rest of them some chick answer just sounded exasperated so i just totally had the wrong number yeah i know i was like i'm not it's not even the right person. I'm not going to fuck with that chick. But just to get the calls, because I tried to bitch about it. They were nice in some ways. Like when I told them I needed Bibles. The Ren Faire people.

This is the hotel people. It was a package. The whole thing was a package deal where I got to go. This is in Phoenix. Yeah, next to Phoenix. That's right. Brad and Kelly go to that. Yeah, next to Phoenix. That's right. Brad and Kelly go to that. Chandler, some shit.

The first problem I had at the motel was that I called them about the hot tub because I paid extra money. You get a room with a hot tub on your room. The Excalibur suite. It's nice. It's expensive, but then I can smoke weed

and I can be private you know it's outside outside hot tub oh man I don't what when I got married in Globe Arizona some people paid for us for a hotel room like for a honeymoon suite type thing and it was just a regular jacuzzi inside the room and for whatever reason i went over and grabbed the filter and popped it out oh yeah it was horrible it's like looking at the kitchen at a chinese restaurant there was just strings hanging but anyways these ones are nice these are outside built-in in-ground hot tubs they don't you know they have a big pool filter system and stuff that they run off except for when i sat in it like the water came up to my waist the rest of me is out of the water and then the jets are literally at the bottom where the wall

meets the fucking chair so they shoot out like right up your ass they don't have any other spots so i called the hotel and tried to bitch about it and they fucking told me i usually i just tried it when i'm mad about stuff what i'm usually trying to do is get them to admit what i fucking say is the problem so i'm like this thing won't fill up with water and he's like well i can't fill it up anymore with water because it'll block the filter and i go all right but when i sit in it it fucking doesn't even cover my waist you know i'm all the way out of the fucking water and he goes yeah yeah these are all built individually because i told him my son's staying in the room across the way and his is nice you know you can sit in it and he goes yeah they're all

built individually so this one has the fucking ones that shoot up really so so this fucking one is built for midgets i said told him go, basically what you're telling me is that this room specifically is only for midgets. And the guy fucking looked me dead in the eye and goes, yes, sir. And I was like, oh, fuck, I can't bitch about that anymore. I wanted him to fucking be like, well, no. He called you on it. Fuck yeah. But he brought me Bibles when I told him that I was having Bible study.

So. Chaley saves this like it's a fucking birthday cake. That's what fucking, that's going to be a dozen, 14 Bibles. That's like 13 B bibles 13 13 bibles i don't know a couple of golds that one the gold is the only one that one is my bible from the vegas uh show oh i forgot to bring it over so that's from the plaza that's a special one all right we'll have chad sign that one yeah we are gonna have such fucking heavy we have to talk now about Canada about maybe shipping shit because

I haven't been on the fucking road since the end of November but I've been traveling and stealing Bibles and you're stealing Bibles and you're stealing Bibles and we have a lot of fucking Bibles we have a contact for merch and everything in canada so

we're good all right yeah but we have to get we're not carrying this many you're right i didn't i didn't think of that you're right so we will do that i will i'll contact uh our guy so anyway get back to the fucking renaissance festival yeah that was just a hotel but that was nice that was i only had one small problem with the midget thing and the guy called my bluff but they brought me bible so the hotel was good because you said you were having a bible study yeah it's fucking brilliant yeah yeah i love the way they look at me too matter of fact when they brought him i was smoking weed on the back patio set it down and run around oh thank you and then i always tell them god bless you

oh god bless you thank you very much i don't know if you were there but you were there when i i try to get the maids i like trying to get extra ones because you you know we steal the ones out of our own rooms but we they have to be legitimately stolen, which makes it fun for us. Yeah. And not feel like shitbags. We're ripping you off completely just by charging you for stolen Bibles that are free to us. So that way, just the fact that we're ripping you off selling them at outrageous prices keeps us in check. We can just raise our prices rather than lie to you.

Because we could get them for free. Yeah, at the steel. So the guy was a pastor. I asked a girl, I'm like, well, we don't have any Bibles. We're having a Bible study or whatever. She's cleaning another room. Now I just walk into the other room. Because usually they don't speak English. i guess i just need to get the bible and i'm smiling and

waving and pointing moving a cart to get in there but no i'm actually in the room when i go excuse me excuse me and i here's all the attentions on me and as i'm trying to it only takes you three seconds of fake conversation to get from the door to the dresser to get the thing. Make the sign of the cross on your way out. Bible, Bible, and I'm smiling at her and she's confused and by then you're holding up a Bible and then they smile because you're not going to kill

or rape them if you're holding up a Bible. Or you're Jesus. Yeah, or you're Jesus and then, oh, you just stole the Bible and left. I forget my point. The grift to get more Bibles. And she's like, well, let me call the housekeeper. He's the head of housekeeping, head of maintenance. And he works at the whatever pastor ministry.

I can picture the hotel. Anyway, he's like, oh, yeah, you're having a Bible study? He runs a a Bible study. He runs a fucking Bible study. Is this the place that had the indoor pool that had no diapers out of the pool? I don't know. I know that we're segregated on some weird far part. Anyway, let's not run down memory lane. Anyway, back to the fucking Chad.

Chad can't get a Renaissance Festival with his 23-year-old baby kid. He's 23, so this is the first time he's been able to drive three hours by himself. That's absolutely true. Right, right. He just barely moved out a couple of years ago, and he never drove on the freeway. He was real responsible.

We fixed his car up. He was doing good, but yeah, he's 23. It's a different age, I i don't know it's always scary when you drop jokes at chad's kids expense because earlier he said yeah well the the kids now the two boys they like aquariums and i was gonna say oh so like uh kind of like liberace when he was a kid loved aquariums like just drop some of your kid's gay reference in there. But you never know if he might just go, the fuck, boom!

This could be it. Just for further reference, as long as I'm in on the joke and can get it, I'm generally alright with it. I don't mind being the butt of the joke as long as I get it. I don't like being the butt of the joke when I'm not in on it. Then I might have a reaction that i'm not in control over like a guy shooting a guy for no reason

but yeah the renaissance festival was a fucking what you'd expect at a renaissance festival it was horrible it was the fucking people everywhere we got there as it opened, and we were parked a half a mile or more away of just a solid block of cars all the way back. Did they have a chariot to get you to the gate? They do actually have that, but you have to pay a bunch of money for it. I'm not going to fuck you. Well, or trade. I weighed 200 fucking 45 pounds.

You know how much I'd have to tip those guys without feeling like an asshole? It's fucking hot out there. It's hot. that's it's it's so fucking hot and people are dressed up in like like neck to ankle leather like but not even the people that are just in the show just people that show up and walk around in i and you know if they would, they don't have a job, but if they would fucking have one, they could go around with a bucket of Gold Bond powder and a ladle and just powder your balls for $2, sir. I would have gave that guy fucking $80 that day

just to dump a ladle of Gold Bond powder down my pants. Two squires hold up a modesty curtain. Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. So they can feather dust your nuts. A killing. They would make a killing because it's nothing but fat white people walking around this place. I think it was group home day on the day that I was there, which is probably better than a regular day.

I like that better. Group home. Where the fuck did you get modesty curtain? Squires holding a modesty curtain. You gotta be a character, right? Howdy, you nuts, sir! Boy, hold up that curtain.

This is a gentleman. I used to... Actually, I knew her as a friend. I was gonna say, I banged a girl from a Renaissance festival. That happened a couple times, but mostly she was just a friend. Kimka! But it was up in Minneapolis.

She was from Minneapolis, so it was somewhere up there. So I don't remember sweaty balls, but just a bunch of people that, as soon as the show's over, still talk like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah that yeah hey movie's over i know you like to stay in character there deniro wouldn't it but the fucking the production shut

down you can stop everyone's punching the walls when the when the kids were younger like i said we used to take my son there for his birthday and we had to do all kinds of different shit i had four kids so we'd have to go everywhere and i hated every single bit of it but the renaissance i liked for that very reason everybody pretends to be overly nice there so i never had to worry about being fucking somebody acting like a dick and fucking me acting like a bigger dick and fucking making the news or whatever is you know fucking youtube or whatever. Is that blacksmith looking at me again? Morons, yeah. Insult me, will you?

So I always looked forward to that trip because people there were overly nice, pretend. Yeah, they're goofy. It's certainly non-threatening. I mean, at this age, you'd probably get... Well, today... Are today fucking judging me i uh you get i'm sure i'd have some beef but not like not like a chad shank beef but i'd have a complaint when i i'd have material for the podcast yeah but yeah you wouldn't go in there like oh man

shit's gonna get weird in here. No. They're just, they think they're weird. It's already weird. They have nothing to say with an accent. And you expect all that weirdness. You go and expect, there are different shows all around that you see. And, you know, they're fun to watch, your acrobats and stuff. But then there's other stuff that was furries that were like dressed.

This is the part I watched. I'm hot as fuck. It's hot as shit out there. There's people dressed in these big Arctic fox furry costumes. Like a mascot for a baseball team or something? I heard about it on Howard Stern where they have conventions and stuff where people go and you dress up. It's mainly, I don't know, people get sexual. They're turned on by it.

Well, after hours, not at the Ren Faire. I would have met. Well, no, at the Ren Faire, too. They're taking pictures with kids. And then they're going over and they're doing gay stuff. They're making out. One of them has a stick and he's pretending to fuck the other one on a wooden bridge. I was like, this isn't my parents' man affair.

That's inappropriate. I was leaning against him as Keetree's fucking weed out of a sneaker joke. That's fucked up. There's kids around people are gonna know this area is contaminated let's go do you think the fucking

Renny people get upset when other weird people like that invade dude I'm trying to I'm trying to you know spear a guy off a horse in a joust and then you're all

fucking dressed up like a gay Captain Kirk. And now furries are here too. We have fucking Trekkies and furries at the Ren Faire. We're in the middle. Comic Con is so... It's like the UN. And when the UN breaks session,

we all go back to our own countries. You know that fucking... Don't infiltrate my fucking festival. Hey, Darth Vader. Stop fucking my unicorn. Although I bet you the gold-mine powder guy could probably make money at a furry festival. In the middle of drowning these witches, I've got these two furries over here.

Sonic the Hedgehog is macking. Are you kidding me? There's weird stuff you expect, and then there's weird stuff that just doesn't fucking fit. You're not even playing right. There's not rules, but come on, man. Some men have weirdness thrust upon them. I've never been

to Renfest or Renfair, but I certainly have my imagination runs wild with this. Is there a lot of drug use, like weed? Is there a lot of pot smoking? like uh like like weed is there a lot of pot smoking no there's not like a glass pipe tent no it's real fucking up standing matter of fact for a long time when i would go i hated it because i would have to go into the port-a-shitter where it was real hot and

fucking shitty and smoke weed because that's the only private place and then as i got more bold as i would have to go over the years with my kids, then I realized that they have the big private, uh, performers only gates that you can go through and then go back to the real freak show where the Renaissance fucking people have their trailers set up and then you just,

I just go behind the scenes. Yeah. I just, I just go back there and hang out and smoke weed because it doesn't look suspicious back there. So dude, I think, I think you're perfect for that. That's hilarious because we just watched the Impractical Jokers special when we got home, and they were on stage talking about all the pranks they all pull on each other on the road,

and Sal's the fucking real, you know, you met Sal. Yeah. Yeah, he's a real germaphobe. So they'll go in, and one of them will take a shit in his hotel room. And then they turn the heat on really high. And the hot water really high. So he walks in. He checks in as Sal.

And 10 minutes before Sal gets in. And then Sal shows up into a room that's a hot turd. Hot turd. Yeah. That's a prank to them. For you, that's just hot turd. Hot turd. Yeah. That's a prank to them. For you, that's just what you do to go get high. In the past. I go into a hot, repeatedly, a hot Andy Gump on a fucking lawn.

I definitely have in the past, for sure. Again, before it evolved. This year was the first year that I said, fuck it, and just sat up against the side and smoked right in the Renaissance Festival. Watch the furries simulate sex. That's exactly when I was smoking was when the furries were humping each other on the bridge. What's your costume? Do you have one?

Me? Yeah. I call it Fat White Guy. I'm going to float something here. I wore as little as possible. I wore shorts and wished I had gold fat white guy. I'm going to float something here. I wore as little as possible. I wore shorts and wished I had gold bond powder. You like to go backstage, right? I think J. Lee might be talking about when you go to the Renaissance Festival,

what's your costume? Yeah. Because you're looking at him, pointing at his shirt. Well, the answer is the same. So it doesn't really matter. Yeah, I wore shorts that day. I think what you should do, and I mean, this is just a theory because I've never been to one. But if you like going backstage, you need something that creates a bit of mystery or anonymity.

And at the same time, looks like you're involved. Execution her. And then you could be backstage and you could be in character the whole time. And I agree that that would work better but – Because there's a hood. More incognito but I'm already hot. So I go with the fucking you're paid minimum wage security guy. I dare you to come question me about smoking and weed.

Look and see what happens there. And usually they just walk away. Everyone there, half of them wear a fucking helmet. So if you walk back in a t-shirt and shorts, they're going to assume you were the executioner guy or the guy or the fucking beheaded guy. You can have it over his arm.

It's so fucking hot out there. You know what I mean? It's got a light. He'd be right there. Usually I'm the one that overthinks shit and here you guys are overthinking it. I just walk through and decide, right, if I look like I belong here, let me see them question me. Oh, that's the key.

That's the key to backstage. Look like you belong and hold a piece of paper in your hand. I don't think with the fucking dumb suits we wear, we never look like we belong. No. You can always look like you belong. We were talking about this last night after the podcast. We wear the stupid suits, but we make sure that they're usually colorfully outlandish. Because you want to separate yourself

from hipsters. And then I go, oh, this is where it gets dangerous. Because after that fucking month in the tin can where we're playing around with all these weird, stupid drinks and Charlie Chaplins and Negronis,

now you're drinking an old-fashioned wearing a fucking 1970s suit, and you're going to tell me you're not a hipster. You're just, you look like you're trying to be the biggest asshole in the world and not really good at it. And I thought, now we're doing the drinks, and I think the only thing left is the bar you drink at.

Because, all right, if you're going to drink stupid drinks and harass a fucking bartender to make a rusty nail while you sit around in some dumb 70s suit, you better be playing fucking state lottery keynote at a bar that no hipster would ever go to. And that's the only way that you can protect yourself. With that said, let's take one more quick break because we might have a sponsor. I don't know. Oh, we might have.

There's been murder in Bisbee. There was a murder in Bisbee while i was away i found out through twitter through you fancy people on twitter that's where i get my texas cats up i was home the entire time that's how i found out someone tweeted and said well i guess now you have a uh an alibi for uh why you didn't murder that guy in Bisbee. And I'm like, murder in Bisbee? I'm going to figure out how to use Google on my phone. And yeah, some guy got murdered. And nobody knows what happened.

In the commission of a burglary. So yeah, that story goes nowhere. But it does set you up for Chad Shank coming back with Bisbee Police Beat right after this. Hey, faggots, listen. We have merch. We have a donation button,

and I don't like to ask you to do that, but we just got some fucking numbers where we could actually do some advertising, and I don't want to do it. But Chaley could actually make really good money if I start doing advertising. I'd rather you buy some merch or donate when I say that. Because I hate to be the guy that says, you know what? Yeah, no, I'm going to turn down that money.

That's, I would not even take that would be for Chaley we just get drunk in talking to microphones this is not like this is a lot of out of my day but we gotta keep fucking Chaley in business so yeah yeah buy merch or else

stamps.what and now back to the podcast. As I'm saying, and enough about the murder and Bisbee. Let's focus on the living. And enough about the murder in Bisbee. Let's focus on the living. Who's living in the police beat this week? Mr. Chad Shank, our man on the street.

Thanks, Doug. A Hispanic male carrying a milk crate was seen showing inappropriate pictures to small children at the farmer's market. See? All right. Now that's why I told you. We're going to fucking win the cult members arrive. I'm still waiting for the cult to start. Boy, it's easy to get a boost. It's supposed to be like a grassroots thing.

You know, you shouldn't have to start a cult. People should just start the cult for you. So, yeah. So, yeah. If you're coming down and going, hey hey i can join the cult and go to the farmer's market like you said on that one podcast and uh i'm gonna show inappropriate pictures to children it's been taken someone's that's already filled a male subject was observed changing his clothes and mumbling to himself in the alley on Bisbee Road.

You know, it's sad what we've become as a people. Sometimes some of these people are sick and they need help. But you know what? Just remember, there's going to be a great human interest story at the end of this, I hope. Go ahead. Go ahead, Chad Chang. Still on the street. I'm trying to check the date on that story, Doug.

That might have been me leaving here. I'm not sure. I was trying to think of where Bisbee Road is if I've actually been there, because it could have been me. Bisbee Road is where Dairy Queen and the thrift store are. Oh, fuck. That could have been me. Walking to the fucking roundabout. Jesus Christ, why am I walking this far? Jesus.

You're going to live forever. If you ever see one that says a guy was seen vomiting all over his truck door at five in the morning, that's probably me. Or five at night when you're just nervous to be out driving here. Well, that's at home. I keep that usually at home. Change out the P-trap in my sink. What do you got, Chad?

Extra patrol was requested to Mountain View Avenue, where a woman wearing a black hoodie was seen looking in windows. Hey, some chick in a hoodie was looking in my window. That's a big fucking news here. A chick's looking in your window. Wait a minute. There's a chick here? In a black hoodie.

That's how Gloria was caught on. Yeah. I put my dick through this hole in a fucking men's room. And a chick on the other side sucked my dick. And now she's looking through my windows in a black hoodie. I'm not sure if a hoodie is considered a costume, but may be related to the next story. About 10 or 15 people dressed in costumes and wearing glow necklaces were partying in the parking lot on Opera Drive,

causing a disturbance. Yeah, we have wandering raves here. Worst rave ever. I'm just guessing, but I was thinking maybe the chick in the hoodie lost one of her glowing necklaces and was looking around and people thought she was looking in their window. But I've not had Bisbee ecstasy, so I'm not sure how

it affects me. What kills me is occasionally you get a fucking Bisbee observer where they say, uh, the Bisbee police reports were not available in time for press. And you're like, then fucking give me my entire year's subscription.

But there's no other reason to buy the fucking Bisbee observer, except for the police beat. Go ahead. What else we got? A vehicle and two males were suspicious on Mountain View Avenue. The men took pictures of the caller's house. And when she approached them, they left the area in a white mini coupe with a black top.

That was Brett Erickson's parents. They're shopping for property. Absolutely. I've walked the dogs, honestly, I've walked the dogs from where you come out, from where the antenna is at the top of that hill, and then up the street, and right where

almost where you get to the crest, where that new house that looks like fucking storage, you know, that newly built house at the top of the top is part of Warren. Some industrial looking kind of like a green SUV thing, a couple. And from there to here, I was right behind them the whole way they were driving that slow.

They're looking at fucking property. You were walking. I was walking behind them the whole way. They were driving that slow. They're looking at fucking property. You were walking. I was walking the dogs. And when they took a right up here, I went to the house. I walked that. They were driving that slow. But there are people that are so freaked out at just seeing people around. They will call the cops.

And those are stories like that. I think there's another one in one of the other police beats I read where you're like, that's just a guy looking around, man. He likes the town. That's why there's so many fucking... He finds you intriguing. I'm calling the cops on you. Fucking kill that guy. He has interest in my town.

There's no fucking primer or mini wheel on it on the car. All right. It's a fucking mini Cooper. It's worth more than the house that you are reporting. He took a picture of the pictures were almost as much as that. 86 Ford Tempo with no front grill and a mag light for a left headlight. Then you can complain about him taking a picture of your fucking hovel up on fucking...

Mag light. All right. What else is going on in the Please Beef? Doug, I know your dedication to bringing the podcast listeners only the most relevant news. A driver had to swerve to miss something big in the roadway in Naco. Something big. And what was that thing that was something big in the roadway? That's all the report gives us.

Something big. big in the roadway uh that's all the report gives us something big that that was what the bisbee observer reported to us we reported back to you that's our job as journalists something big was in the roadway is there any report as to if something big is still there or where something big might have gone to at this time we don't know anything about the something big and only that the somebody swerved. And the result of that swerve, you know what? No one can ever tell. We might never know. But if you have something big, keep it out of the roadway.

And if you're on those roads, hey, be prepared to swerve. Hey, let me do this in case we are going to cut these fucking police beats into a bunch please do paper too we have we have backed up police beats waiting for a chad shank is that another one i'm just no i'm gonna do this and you can leave this in if we're gonna do this all no i was gonna say go straight was going to say go straight. It's pretty funny. Go. I like them. That's why the people will know how it works.

Next time I say we're going to break and we'll be back after this, you might hear me go, and here's Chad Schenck with the Bisbee Observer Police Beat. What else you got for us, Chad? Doug, it looks like neighbors in Bisbee were burning trash, whose foul odor displeased the person reporting. That's why, you know, we repealed plastic bags. That's in flux right now, but I say repealed neighbors.

And I think a lot of my neighbors would agree that that's in flux right now but i say repealed neighbors and i think a lot of my neighbors would agree that that's really when it comes to burning trash if you're gonna burn you know rubber tires and old you know do it yourself if your neighbor's doing it's repulsive what else do you get for us mr shank if that's your real name. A Naco resident requested assistance stating that he had two of his father's guns and wanted to know if they were stolen. Read that one more time. I had to read that one more time when I first read it. A Naco resident requested assistance stating that he had two of his father's guns

and wanted to know if they were stolen. Oh, I get it. Yeah. It almost sounds like one of those, okay. A math problem. Yeah, if a guy who goes over the border

and he says, well, I'm already in, that's because his mother is his father's stepsister. I get it. They're all related. If a Mexican in Bisbee steals his father's guns, were they stolen?

All right. A male sub... I started trying to figure that out. I had to think back on how that whole thing laid out, because we had a lot of scenarios there. We had a lot of scenarios there. A male subject was observed walking down Bower Street in Bisbee, carrying a bow and arrow. The person reporting found this suspicious.

Now, somebody, bingo, fucking, I'm going to throw your fucking phone out the window. Stop, shut it off. Who was it that fucking saw someone come out right where you take the left? Okay, do you remember? Someone saw... Oh, it was me. No, it was Kerry Mitchell.

What happened? Oh, it was you. Keep going. I'm sorry. A guy was spotted with a bow and arrow. No, he had a crossbow, but they said it was the Brechels. They said that we're at that light where you take a left to go to Safeway, and some guy just walked down from, which is the copper mine property,

but he just walked out and just started walking down towards the traffic circle with a crossbow. That was a guy I saw with a gun, a fucking rifle. Oh, okay. Had come down from there. Well, then see, this is why eyewitness testimony is never, never justified.

You can't tell me I was the one that was raped. Yeah, but you're fucking wrong. And a thousand other people. So, yeah, well, we just gave a proper. You know what? Anyone with a bow and arrow is never suspicious in Bisbee unless he's in Safeway. Safeway is the only place where real rules apply and not even that. That would be awesome, though.

All right. A Hereford man requested an in-person contact from a deputy as his wife was calling him crazy. What is that? An in-person... That seems like... Evelyn said that last night. She had to call for a... A welfare check. Chad's done that on your

parents-in-law. An in-person contact. In-person contact is kind of like... As opposed to a phone contact? You tell her I'm not crazy. He's the Lord. He's the Lord. Hey, lady, is he crazy or what?

Seems like a waste of time for everyone. He's so crazy. Go ahead. Maybe it was out of context. Sorry. A large rooster was dropped off at Brown Canyon Trail in Hereford Maybe it was out of context. Sorry. A large rooster was dropped off at Brown Canyon Trail in Hereford and found its way to the property of the person reporting. The fact that someone found a rooster and then called the police,

that unless the rooster told the person where it had come from, well, someone dropped it off and found its way here. I live near this area, and I can't believe they just didn't eat it. They might have ate it, but they just wanted to. Listen, I have no one to tell. I'm sorry, officer, but I know you're not doing anything. I'm not doing anything. A rooster just showed up and rang my fucking doorbell.

And I don't know. And I just used my last food stamp yesterday. It's like kismet. I had no one to tell. Listen, if somebody's missing a rooster, I ate it, okay? It's like when you say, I'm double banking the eight and no one's looking when you make the shot. I just wanted someone to know I'm out of money.

A rooster just showed up, but I'm fucking having a barbecue. Roll route six. Welcome back. Yeah. By the way, where did you get this fucking Turkey that we're waiting to eat? Got a 15-pound bird in there.

Did that make its way onto the property after Sassy Cab dropped it off? Quit asking so many questions. I'll wait till the next police beat before I tell you the truth. Kill him. That's interesting, Shaley. The next police beat also involves a farm animal, so there may be some sort of a conspiracy going on. Three dogs were feasting on a dead goat

that a Hereford woman was unable to bury. So, first of all, you can't bury shit out here. You ever watch Andrew or Shawnee when they have to build one of these dumb porches that come up hey I got an idea let's build a fucking patio roof and then they have to try to burrow into this fucking

pickaxe and a fucking jackhammer yeah it seems like bullshit dog food's expensive why wouldn't you just feed the dogs? If you have a goat, then why wouldn't you? The goat died. The dogs need to eat. Why are people against nature?

Yeah, prepare the goat. I thought Disney was about hippies and stuff. Circle of Life. Hakuna Matata. I don't know. It wasn't my goat. My dog did eat my goat. We don't know if it was her goat.

She just couldn't bury it. Maybe she didn't have a shovel. You need more than the shovel out here. I said with some rice and whatever dogs like. Prescription medication was found at the Mormon church off Highway

92 after a funeral. First of all, that sounds like a game of Clue. Backet of drugs. Professor Plum with a candlestick. At the Mormon Church after a funeral. Sounds suspicious. Who done it? I find the fact that somebody in Bisbee found prescription medication and didn't keep it and called the cops more suspicious than anything.

Well, even more than that. Yeah, you know, Tranny Danny hangs out a lot of places, but I doubt he's fucking kicking back at the Mormon church looking for a ride. But Chris, forget it. Tranny Danny jacked me up for it. I'll give you, he offered me money today. He fucking shaved off his dreadlocks. I went, yeah, he shaved his head.

He's clear, you. Well, no, when he's at Safeway, it's because he needs something. I almost went up to him a few weeks ago because I was in my morning mood and said, hey, I didn't say it, but no, just the answer is always no. Otherwise, happy to see you.

I'm not happy to see you. I avoid you. There's times I won't go in the store if I see you out front because you're going to fucking ask for something and the answer is no. So if we can continue our relationship where you don't ask me because you know the answer is no, if we can continue our relationship where you don't ask me because you know the answer is no i'll be happy to see you anyway we're way off topic we're this fucking mormons and drugs and shit's going down in this town man you're not what else is going on

fear monger chad shank the fucking bisbee fear monger? Doug, you're absolutely right. The crime is rampant. Barking dogs, disturbed neighbors on Van Dyke, OK, and D Street. What date was that? March 26th. But they're barking everywhere, see? It's not just Van Dyke street you're gonna blame me for being out of town and my dogs evidently they get a little crazy when i leave the town and uh and so

if it that's there's three blocks of van dyke and there's really crazy dogs on the third block we're the second block there's other dogs on this block. And down there, God knows, we don't go to the fucking 100 block of Van Dyke. So you're right in the middle. Whatever racist term you want to put in and then add city. Okay. It's down there. They're white people. So just pick whatever race you hate the most and apply it to the white people on the 100 block.

Not every house. there's only a dozen before those houses blank city and they're white people so you just have to make up you can be some terminology that doesn't even just make it sound racist flicker city down there is that gay or racist i don't know. He said Flickers. What are Flickers? Did he say Flicker City? You'll walk past that house. You'll know.

It's got a cross, a no smoking sign, and a weight bench, and at least eight unbuilt cars. At least eight. And this is in a close cropped block. So, yeah, you call them whatever you want. You just described my backyard. I've been to your house. No, for real. I wasn't listening to all of it because it's zoned out.

But I think you described my backyard. I think we're getting off track. Keep turkey in the fucking... crosshairs. Back to you, Chat Shank. Doug, a woman from Cochise Row stated she took her vehicle to someone for repairs and the person sold her car without her consent. She added that this happened a long time ago

and didn't have an address for the repairman. However, she believed she saw the vehicle on Tombstone Canyon. That's fucking perfect. That's Cochise Row, where when we were coming up with all our, we were going to sell like just local shit, just like Vavom or whoever had the

balls to carry it was i break for yard sales except on coach's row because that's that's tweaker alley and you just go up there they're just selling just shit and garbage very local joke yeah yeah so yeah i can imagine that woman Well, no, I was defrauded. Well, no, it happened in the 60s, but I think that was the guy with the mustache. I just remembered. Well, you're the law. Go ahead, Chad. What else do we have?

Someone in a brown Chevy Silverado took pictures of a Palomino's man's house and vehicle. I've said it before. I've said it. Sometimes they're just fucking interested. Did you watch this? I have this in my notes because I watched it, and it just made me paranoid all over again. Then HBO, Snowden. What's his name? Snowden.

Edward Snowden. Edward. All right. I knew it sounded too casual to say Ed. I don't know him that well. You said Ed. I said Edward. I haven't seen the documentary yet.

I'm still going to call him Edward. Yeah, no, that's the shit that makes people paranoid. It's the whole trickle-down effect. I watched watched that it's a two-hour documentary on hbo you just got the hbo app and you can testify to it you have i still don't know what an app does but it's wicked good it's called citizen four it's two hours long snowden should be fucking regaled as a hero. Citizen 4, the number 4. Yeah, spelled out 4. Okay. Citizen 4. The HBO app you can get for free with Apple products right now for 30 days.

Fantastic. HBO Now. We needed a sponsor, and you came up with one. I'm watching The Jinx. Oh, you're only on episode 2. Yeah, I've watched two episodes. I know the end because I read the news. Okay.

The same thing happened. It still lives up. You don't need to be kept in the dark. And then you're going to get to Scientology, and hopefully we'll have you on for the next podcast. I don't know. Wait, hang on. Before you finish the fucking tweet,

you told me you had a tweet that caused some kerfuffle or got involved in the middle of a... I was telling you, the only time that I usually have Twitter, I know it's you. You'll say something on the podcast, and then people will fuck with me and say stuff on Twitter. At HDFatty. At HDFatty. I need to change it, but I don't know how to do that. I'll have to ask Brett Erickson.

He changed his. You just have to start from scratch. And Brett Erickson. He changed his. You just have to start from scratch. And Brett Erickson, yeah, you're going to have to go back to the old one. That's a dumb one. Anyway, go ahead. I think. Oh, usually the only time I have stuff. But they had a thing on Twitter that was showing up on my Twitter feed,

the hashtag Free the Nipple. Did you hear about that one? Miley Cyrus and Chelsea Handler. nipple did you hear about that one uh it was uh miley cyrus and uh chelsea handler started in like iceland with a girl who had a picture on her whatever and it showed her nipple and she was ridiculed and she said why is my nipple any different from any other you know man's nipple and you know nipples should all be equal and people around the world responded with fucking narcissism and the desire to show their titties on social media by having hashtag free the nipple with a whole makes it okay yeah what i've always wanted to do with because i but i slut shame other chicks

when they do it but now i'm doing it in the name of feminism which i'm all for fucking nipples and logically i understand that nipples you know boobs are flesh bags of fucking feeding babies but sometimes they give me a hard-on and i don't i'm pretty sure that that's just darwin's theory but i'm not i don't i'm not real smart but i fucking had a self-depreciating joke on Twitter, and I said the fucking Free the Nipple campaign just gave me a hard-on. And once again, I discovered that I'm part of the problem. No, the problem is, especially, that's a perfect example. The problem is, and I use this with laughter, laughter is not a consensual thing

so you giving me a boner and you making me laugh i'm not in control of either my dick it's hard it's not like i'm gonna oh you know i'm gonna make my dick hard just because it's the appropriate response and i don't want to be impolite. Oh, I was raised to get a boner in this situation. You get a boner or you laugh because it's an involuntary... You can tell yourself to lift your arm. You can't

tell yourself to get a boner. Or you can try to tell yourself to not laugh and that's going to make you laugh even harder because you really think it's funny. And I know he's got a tube in his nose and you're in a fucking highway rest area where they have the Burger King next to the

Sbarro pizza and then there's this fucking low watt gurgler and they're feeding him seemingly through a tube in his nose but they're also having to sponge his chin and then he sneezes, and it's the funniest fucking thing that ever happened in the world.

And then you're just holding your face, and you have to run out of there, and they see you because everyone sees you because you're crying, laughing, because this fucking poor, the poorest soul in the world, his fucking head is this wilted white clammy melon. His whole head looks like when you peel a band-aid off your thumb after two weeks.

It's swollen. And his whole face exploded. And his whole face exploded. Some kind of summer squash or something came out of him. Butternut. I don't know. And then you're 44 years old, and you're running out with tears coming down your eyes, holding your face, embarrassed in your fucking khaki shorts, because everyone watched you cry laughing at this poor

prick and now you're sitting in the fucking back seat of the van going I'm sorry I'm sorry and there's snot coming out of your nose that's not voluntary you don't want to be shamed by an entire fucking turnpike rest area

oh my god. I couldn't catch my breath after fucking laughing. So So you got fucking retweeted by what? Usually I'll get retweeted by

you and then people get attention. That's cool. I was on vacation. But this time my Twitter blew up and it's George Takei. Well, first of all, somebody made it like a feminist website or something made an article of all this free the nipple pictures and stuff. I don't remember who it was, but they made an article of Distractify, I think it was. But it was all the free the nipples. And then at the very end was, and then there's tweets like this from this guy.

And they used mine as like the fucking dickhead of the whole fucking thing. And George Takei reposted that article on Facebook. So people on Twitter were fucking giving me Congratulations! Good job! Normally I don't like to respond to people on Twitter or fucking do stuff that's fun to look at but I don't like to play around, play along with it most

of the time. Anytime you're getting into a fucking... Well I had a great response some chick was, you know, I'm a pansexual and I can control myself in a fucking you know, I'm a pansexual, and I can control myself in a fucking, you know, locker room of women, and you can control your fucking cock. And I had, like, a perfect response immediately. So I don't remember what it was now, but I was, you know, thank you. You're an inspiration.

And I fucking had something great, and I sent it. And as soon as I did, I clicked on it afterwards, and and I'm like I think this is like a 14 year old girl has hurried up and deleted it and went back to not responding to people on Twitter like I usually do what's a pansexual I think you just fuck anything that whore

come on now that whore Tracy she tried to boner shame me, which is what I used to. Boner shame. That's what I told her. That's bullshit. I said, I admit to being part of the problem, and you boner shame me?

Oh, dang. Brilliant. Fucking brilliant. Fucking brilliant. So I thought it was. But I had to hide it. Boner shame? Right.

That's this hashtag. That's. Well, even. And that's the hashtag. That's the, well, even I. And that's what I was going to do too. I had, you know, equality is a slippery slope. If you show me your nipple, can I show you my boner? I don't know. You know, you can't. You're free to show your nipple.

But if I get a boner, it's not my fault. I didn't mean to. fault i didn't mean it's because you're in a a a society where if you go to europe and you're fucking some american staring at a girl sunbathing topless you will be shamed into at least acts like you don't notice i admit that my point of view is from the most ignorant of levels by all means it's not it's it's actually i can't you're more you're more on spot than you know you know yeah you're trained into some especially aesthetically physically there's some level of value they have and nipples are valuable because you've been denied them. That's the way it is. You go to Europe, no one's fucking, oh, that girl's tits are out!

That fucking lesbian. I saw her fat tits. It's a fat lesbian, European, at the pool in wherever we were. Fucking Isla... Isla Mujeres. Yeah, Mexico. Yeah, some European, and I couldn't...

City Island. I couldn't see the island. I couldn't look at her tits because I know I heard her European accent and then she's going to be topless. And she was fat and unattractive. And I still had to force myself to not look at her tits just to see. Yeah. And you didn't give me a boner, wouldn't give me a boner. And I still had to because you're European. Now, if you're like a giggling American going,

I'm going to do this to show equality. I'm just drunk. I'm just drunk. But I'm going to do it anyway. Then I'd stare at your big, fat, awkward tit, and I'd actually go in the house. I'd get a Viagra. I'd put on porn, and I'd come back with a boner

just so you didn't feel like you'd been left out. Too much Charlie Chaplin for me and the lady. I'd blow it out my belly, through my wife beater, hike up my shorts so my boner was very visible, and I'd leer at you with drool coming out of half of my face like I'd just come back from getting a filling and I couldn't feel it. This is the problem

and I'd be the guy for you. You wouldn't know all the effort I put in there came out to your fat, ugly, fucking topless nipple sunbathing just to act like you're still a fucking victim i don't feel victimized at all there's nothing to complain about all right let's get the fuck out of here hey i wrote i wrote this word down and we're gonna close on it i know we don't do word of the day anymore, but I found that thing. Hold on. Before you do that, just do, you've got the Killer Termite t-shirts are on sale.

Killer Termite t-shirts are on sale. Yes. They're fucking already selling. I got, we got as many, I got as many hate tweets. Hey, that fucking link is fucked up. Yeah. All right, Killer Termites. Sorry.

And one guy has been tweeting. I said, hey, just act like the Bisbee killer termites are a real team, but he's making them too jokey, but he's still doing it. That's good. That's effort. And you don't have to do an at me on Twitter because you don't. The point is, just put them in any wherever news group, a comment section of you read salon dot com or something. At the end of a story, you group, a comment section of, you read salon.com or something. At the end of a story, you go, yeah, well,

this is the reason that the Bisbee killer termites lost last night because you just, but make it sound real. Edit the Wikipedia pages of legitimate teams to include the killer termites. This guy was putting up teams like, all right, he's making crazy teams. Yeah. Yeah, make them sound like it could be possible. I was making him outrageous. Crazy enough.

Subtle. And you don't have to do that. But if you think it's funny, do it. If you're on the same page as me, it only takes a few people to do it several times. Noesis is the word. It's functioning of intellect no no it's n-o-e-s-i-s no noesis it's pronounced

noesis it's functioning of intellect. So noesis. I know there's a way you could use that for fun. I just don't know it. But some cocksucker on twitter will figure out a way to make me feel bad using that in a sentence at my expense anything else i hate that word the wyoming thing the bingo thing don't worry you'll find that in a fucking link still and i'm plugging it i'm plugging it honey we. I got the numbers here. Bingo sits and she fucks.

It's making me crazy. She sits with her phone in her hand, which she already does, and then just refreshes over and over. We're winning, though. Yeah, you're winning, but you shouldn't. Just assume people get behind you. We need those blinders that a plow horse has. Yes.

Or just another drink. Oh, shit. Chad Shank had the fucking update with the fucking What? The purple mud bunion. Purple mud bunion. If you didn't hear that episode, well, go back to it. It was

the time we drank Negronis while I was in the tin can, and he had a fucking prostate swolled up oh it went crazy it became a it went crazy i say it became a an icon it became an urban dictionary term harry get her to take it it was uh the purple mud bunion uh i really did use the term with my doctor when I talked to her. I wasn't just joking about that. I think you tweeted that, right? I tweeted it, but I really did say it.

And she didn't think it was funny, but she's pretty cool. They gave me this weird medicine. I told you guys last time, I'm almost done with it. I probably would have been done already. But as Mr. Shaley pointed out, I'm not good with consistency. So I keep having to roll over, like roll over pills. Wait, so is this medicine that you were already on when we talked about it on the podcast? Or you went back and said, hey.

No, same medicine. It's like six weeks, I think it is. I was supposed to take it, but I'm a bit over. But a guy tweeted me on Twitter and said... After the podcast. Yeah, and said, watch out for that medicine. It almost killed me. It's a black box warning medicine, and I had never heard that term before.

Black box. Black box FDA medicine has a certain section of medicines, black box warning that can like we sort of endorsed that this is safe but it might kill you i tweeted back to the guy and told him thanks i didn't know about that i researched it enough so that my wife knows to file a lawsuit if i die i didn't want to research it any more than that because i'll fuck start reading into shit. And you're about to get off it and... Another day. And it is... I don't remember. It's called Cipro...

Phylaxin. I don't remember. Oh. Fuck the details. It can cause diverticulitis I guess. It can cause... I always thought I had that. I'm one of those paranoids where someone brings something up and I'm like, oh, well, I have a pain in right there. No.

See, I think that's like the elimination of all the good bacteria in your gut. And that's where I feel as a fucking slob that this is beneficial to me that I just have a cesspool of fucking of a gut. I have to get back on one hard dosage ofage of diarrheas we'll take like just actual psyllium husk no not psyllium husk you you laxatives just just where you spend a day where you're like oh my god i feel it and it just five seven times where it's just water pouring shooting out of your ass or maybe i should exercise or eat no no i'm on the same page with you i'm so good i'm to the point where i'm not sure i think i don't enjoy eating as much as i enjoy shitting you so i think there had to be at some point where the fucking tom hanks aids character in philadelphia oh, I feel so like light as a feather.

I don't have that whole bulk anymore. And then your eye sockets start to become, you know, skin starts to slough off. Yeah. But there's going to be one minute because I know where I've taken laxatives to a point that are unhealthy. Just for because. All right. This will wait for another podcast. We had a perfect closing.

Let's just go. I have one more question. I have one question. Chad, purple mud bunion, is it two Ds in mud? According to the Urban Dictionary, I believe it's just one D in mud. Thank you. It's the only point of reference I've found online. Hey, Bert Kreischer and Kurt Horncauser.

I don't fucking... Kornhauser. Yeah, you say you're coming down here. Fucking bring it, whores. We're making beds. I got an update on the Wyoming Short Film Festival. Yes.

The competitor... There's two dogs in this race. Yeah, there's only three pages of competitors. So that's like a top 36 people and it's one and two. The thing is, there's the other... Anyway, go ahead. There's one and two.

The competitor, not us, is 5,330. Oh, they're trying. They got their fucking people hitting the buttons. There's one and two. The competitor, not us, is 5,330. Oh, they're trying. They got their fucking people hitting buttons. Our lovely bingos video up above, 5,661. All right. It's still a tight race. It's tight.

It's tight. Keep it up. Keep it up, guys. All you people who are bored and fucking talk to me a lot, well, yeah, sit on that and figure out another way to get people to click on that button. What I did is when I would play GTA V, I would just play the video on my phone

and then flip it back over and rate it five stars and replay it while I played video games. You're only supposed to vote once, so I'm going by that. Oh, I'm sorry. I only voted once. All right. Thank you, and let's play. Hey, the Mattoid, where are you, the Mattoid?

You're probably one of those assholes who fucking tries to talk to me on Facebook or you're dead. Either way, I don't talk to the dead or on Facebook unless I need something. Bye. I won't talk to the dead or on Facebook unless I need something. Bye. Bye. 1, 2, 3, 7, yeah. Right on, baby. The priest is here.

And the gasketket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man. Farewell. Play it for the man. For the last time, play it for the man.

Praise the Lord and the God. Thank you. Thank you.