The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode # 66: Floyd's Incredible Ass Cancer

Episode Date: April 14, 2015

Floyd's Incredible Ass Cancer. Visit Floyd's eBay store (seller name: HORSEHOTEL) and maybe buy something.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded April 11, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Floyd (@arizonalizards), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-Vote for Bingo's video "Oh Up Above" in the WY Short Film Contest - http://wyomingshortfilmcontest.com/Floyd's eBay Store - HorseHotelIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Funeral Party” by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one we're taking tonight

Hi, this is Amy Bingo Bingaman, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, brought to you by cream cheese. And the Doug Stanhope Podcast, a very special edition of the Doug Stano podcast. A it's day six where I was supposed to be writing a book for the last six days. And I haven't because shit came up like old timey baseball,

the Bisbee black Sox, 1860s rules baseball. They had the big tournament going on this weekend. So we had to go to that. Suit up. Dress up. Tomorrow, I realized this. Chaley's here, of course. And Floyd is here. We'll talk to Floyd in a second.

And I'm also here. And Joby's here as well, off mic. Joby Deathpool Joby. I just realized, I did not know, because I was in Mexico, that I scored a solo pick with Robert Shuler, the minister, that knocked me back up into third place.

It was 86, I think. So it was only 14 points, but 25 for the solo pick. So I'm fucking back in the money. I'm raging in Death Pool, didn't even know it. I'm raging in Death Pool. I'm raging in death pool. Didn't even know it. I'm raging in death pool. I'm raging in death pool. I'm fucking moving on up to the big time. And so, yeah, we were at that baseball game,

but I realized they gave me some jerseys after last season, and they gave me the jersey that they're wearing for old time baseball so tomorrow they're playing one more game at two o'clock i can suit up and i'll just walk out onto the field i have to put something over it while i'm sitting in the stands but when they go to take the field like between innings i'll just walk out around the side and I'll play like middle, left, center field. Just hang out there and see if anyone notices. Because they don't take old-timey baseball real seriously. I'm sure a few of them do.

There won't be security rushing to get you off the field? Well, the way those guys run. I was going to say, to make it look like you actually are a player of the old-timey team, don't bend over and walk with a little little I already walk like I'm 115 years old anyway so I would fit right in they probably know all about you're like bringing your knee up when you sneeze they could probably give you tips on that when I have a hernia Floyd's where I get a couple but the one that hurts when I sneeze, it's right here in the, in the craw there in your groin area,

in your groin. So when I sneeze, I just kick my knee up high to hold my guts in. And then my reading glasses fall off. It happens at least once a day. It's very funny. Floyd is here. Floyd,

have you been following the podcast? Floyd zombie, Dick Floyd zombie Dick. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. After we were podcasting when you called me that day. Oh, really?

And told me in graphic detail about the state of your penis. Yes. So we talked about it on the podcast that night. Oh, I will. Grossed a few people out. Floyd is, I say this lovingly, but Floyd's like the town drunk. Not that there's a shortage of drunks in this town, but Floyd celebrates it, and you're always happy as fuck.

I take it seriously. You do, and you're never... Floyd is like... I'm never late. He's your mentor in being drunk. You want to be your age, which is what, 65 now? 64. 64.

drunk you want to be your age which is what 65 now 64 64 uh and just never reticent never never coming over apologizing because he never does anything bad he never like i'm gonna tell you the truth about what i've been thinking about you he's always just happy sometimes he's stumbly but he laughs it off he remembers shit really well and uh but, he's constantly fucked up, just comes over, knows exactly where the bottle and the glass is. Go ahead, Floyd. An easy guess for any host. Yeah. And then, what, six months ago?

Four months ago. December 2nd. December 2nd, Floyd's... 2014. Yeah, oh, by the way, I have shit cancer. Floyd got the ass cancer. Yeah. Didn't break stride.

Quit drinking immediately. I was even talking him into, you should probably drink a little bit for a couple of weeks. Like a soft parachute. Like kind of ease into it. Yeah, because seriously, when you drank as much as Floyd drank for as long as Floyd drank just stopping immediately can be really dangerous one would think

but no Floyd just stopped and never lost the smile he'd come over and you're going oh fuck just seeing Floyd not with a glass of vodka in his hand it's gonna to be so terrible. But he didn't ever seem to have

a bad day. During playoffs. During playoffs. We had more people here than the regular weekly games. Yeah, that must have been tough. Yeah, so that was December 2nd. You said four months now? Yeah, a little over, I guess, four months.

I should be focusing on the cancer i'm like well how's that it's all it's all it's all good so how did you beat this drinking thing well i i just wanted to i just wanted to i wanted to i want to beat it so i i i have a good chance to beat it so i figured hey i gotta you know so not much as I hate to quit drinking. I love drinking. And, you know, I said, I got to quit, you know, at least a year until, you know, I either get a clean slate or I get stage four, in which case, you know. What stage are you at? Game on. What stage are you at now?

I'm at stage two. Stage what is weakling cancer that's what laura kimball would call it it's not yeah yeah well it can develop into worse things it just basically means it hasn't progressed hasn't gotten into my lymph nodes my my lungs or my liver or let's back up because my listeners i'm sure a lot of them are like me where you're at a place you've led a reckless life and everything in the world you think is cancer every fucking sneeze and itch it's aids related it's something bad so how did you first what were what was the symptom that sent you to the doctor well you know i'm intuitive so i kind of felt it like for a year so i've been living like i was dying for years so i think but no that's my point all of us do that and we don't have cancer necessarily

it turns out we didn't okay well but no i i had a a little bit of blood i went to my primary doctor when i was when i was pooping i had a little bit of blood he said oh you just have a hemorrhoid no problem you know but then it kept getting worse and worse did you have a hemorrhoid like as a false flag kind of oh is a hemorrhoid there well it's i don't i don't really know look in your ass or did he just assume it was a hemorrhoid? Well, he looked in my ass and checked my prostate and said, do you have a hemorrhoid? So I probably do have a hemorrhoid or maybe he saw the cancer

and thought that was a hemorrhoid. I don't know. I don't know if it works like that. I'm just making sure you don't have a lawsuit here. I'm not the suing kind. Oh, no, we are oh oh no no it was just but you're the one who noticed blood in your stool yeah but it was just light and then it got worse you got it you got you know more more blood and then i'm procrastinate a lot and i said well

you got somebody coming over to visit you know and. And, you know, it took about six, seven months before I actually got in. And I've been putting off colonoscopy ever since the first idea was presented to me, you know, because, you know, I just it's not a fun idea, thought a good thing to imagine doing. You know, it's just, you know. Right. You don't have to explain why you would. Yeah, we all know. We're guys. We all know this stuff.

And so, no, I finally got to have it done. And then, you know, and they gave me propanol, you know. And wow, you know, what a great drug to go under with. I mean, you know, I see why Michael Jackson liked it. Oh, was that the thing that that's michael jackson yeah i had too much of well i guess free access to i guess that's a better but it depends on how you look at it maybe the perfect amount well that was well that was a sleep aid for him that was right yeah when i got my first hernia surgery i was the fucking anesthetic was just so phenomenal.

I can see where people go, why would someone get addicted to plastic surgery? Maybe just for that. Hey, give me a third ear. Really? Do you put me under for that? Yeah, okay. Give me a couple. I don't know.

But the whole procedure wasn't that bad. It felt more like a ride at Universal Studios or something. They just got me on the gurney, and they're riding me through. Stay on mic, Floyd. Stay on mic. And then I just, you know, and I roll over, and you're going to feel something, and then, blink, I'm waking up. And I'm kind of, la, la, la, and the doctor says,

well, yes, you have cancer, and it's malignant. Have a nice date. No, it wasn't that. No, it was there about a couple minutes ago. So they put you completely out for a colonoscope? Colonoscopy, yeah. They did what they would have to. Yeah, I didn't know they did that.

I thought they just gave you some kind of... No, you got to go in and look. I didn't know they knocked you out to go in and look. Yeah. I didn't know they knocked you out to shove a camera up your ass. You know what? You're right because when Katie Couric did her colonoscopy, she was on mic the whole time. You're going to feel some pressure. Ooh. I was thinking about it would be fun to do a live YouTube link up or something like that.

But it could be like opening up Al Capone's vault or something. But – Well, yours would have been more interesting. There was actually something there. Oh! But, you know, I saw it was groggy as hell, and that was just kind of a shock. And it just, you know, it took a while to... Now, how soon did they tell you?

You didn't literally come right out of... Pretty much really soon. That's the way to find out out is when you're still in that hazy fog of happiness from the well normally normally they send it off to a clinic and they ask them back and it does have to come back as positive but you have cancer it's so you have a funny nose well well the guy performing it really knows what he's doing because he's had it before himself, and he's gotten through it. I'm not just a member. And he's just telling me, yeah.

And he's just telling me, yeah, well, I'm pretty damn sure. I believe him. Hang on one second. Joby, whatever's blowing around up there is going to blow worse The cushions are on top Oh, they might be in the neighbor's yard by now Thank you, sir

So go ahead My wife's driving me home because she was my driver Now, was she in the room when they told you you had cancer or could you surprise her with it? No, they told her separately. They separated us like the cops do.

You know, give us different checkers. I don't know, but, yeah. No, we met up later, and, you know, we're both kind of in shock. And, you know, she's driving me home, and then she freaks out. She goes into a moment of stress and, of stress and starts reading me the riot act. You know, quit drinking or I'm leaving you. And at first I thought. When do you need to drink more?

That's interesting. Oh, you have cancer. Honey, can you stop by the corner? I'm going to leave you. That's an interesting tact to take. Well, my wife don't mean about the corner. I'm going to leave you. That's an interesting tact to take. My wife don't mean about the bush. You know about stuff like that. I thought it was because

she thought the drinking had caused the cancer. She was afraid I'd keep drinking. It would get worse. I wouldn't survive it. But it was really she was playing the sobriety card. Yeah, she's been sober for a while. She's been sober for a long, long time.

And you've been drinking for two. This tipped her over her sobriety right over the edge. So, you know, it's like, ah, quit drinking. But she didn't have to go through that because, you know, I mean. Hey, lady, I'm the one with cancer. I think you got it. But, you know, and I understand. I respect it.

She was sober when and met her. So there's always been a little bone of contention between us. So that was it. You didn't have a drink after the propanol. No, no. And you didn't have to twist my arm to do it because I'm, you know, I got slapped awake. I said, okay, I want to beat this thing, especially after I talked to the surgeon.

And she said, well, my chances were pretty good. And she said, yeah, don't be drinking during all this chemotherapy shit and everything. I wonder if there's any kind of scientific link to that. I think doctors just say, well, you shouldn't drink. Like on this medication, they always say don't drink, and most of the time it doesn't fucking matter. They gave me plenty of stuff to make up for it. Your liver might be going overtime anyway.

Dr. Drew would say you're just switching addictions. Yeah. Now you're addicted to cancer. Yeah. But anyway, so that was the base. coaching addictions yeah yeah well now you're addicted to cancer yeah now they yeah but anyway so i i that was a that was so that was december that was december and i just then i had to go through the stupid chemo radiation i was not prepared for what how quickly do you go from you have cancer to you're getting chemo uh that was about that was just about a month i had to

you know because it was christmas you know a lot of doctors on vacation, I suppose. And people were visiting. Yeah, I know. People were coming over. Cancer takes the holidays off. My wife's mom was visiting at the time, too, as a matter of fact. But it was, it was just, you know, you got to go see this. You got to see, take this test.

Oh, I got to tell you about the one fun test. I took the PET scan. PET scan. PET scan. PET scan. PET scan. And this is the radioactive. Just in case it was a gerbil. No, no. I make sure I nail the gerbil.

Thank you. That was a callback to the vault joke. That's a good one. Go ahead. that's a good one go ahead so the pet pet scam is they shoot this radioactive material into your veins and then they can check and see if you have cancer in any of your organs a lot easier and because it's one of the half a dozen tests they do to do the same thing. But they told me that don't even bother trying to fly today.

And if you go through a Border Patrol check station, you are going to need papers. And they gave me papers. And sure enough, I had to go see the surgeon that day, so I had to go through the Border Patrol. We have a border check for the listeners. We have a border check you have to go through when you leave here because we're close enough to the border that they'll stop you. It's a secondary, like, immigration check.

If you want to get anywhere near an interstate from here, you have to go through a border patrol station. So you went through and... And, you know, the guy's just waving people. He starts waving me through, and then all of a sudden, on his belt, it goes, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and he gets this look on his face. I wish I would have videoed it.

It's like the red phone ringing in the white house. What do we fucking do? I didn't know that worked. They made me pull over to the side. They checked my papers. And they let me go. And I still made it to the appointment on time. But it was just funny.

The look on his face was just like, ah. Floyd was a dirty bum. A dirty bum. A dirty bum. He's over there. So the PET scan. Yeah, that was it. The PET scan went good.

All my scans showed no signs of it anywhere but in my rectum. And normally they just, anymore, they will just cut out the part, a certain distance around the part that has the cancer, and then eventually reattach it so you can still. Now, your rectum is your asshole? Or is that your? No, you got your large intestine, you got your little intestine, and then... Both of mine are large.

Your rectum is a holding tank. That's where your turds are formed. Okay, it's where water's removed and everything compacts. Oh, that's your sphincter is your asshole. Yeah. There's two sphincters, And then there's the anus. Actually. So rectum.

This is in the pipes. Sphincter anus. Okay. So this is in the pipes. It is so near the end of the rectum that they can't cut it out. You can see it from here. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. You can see it. So basically what they have to do is remove my rectum, both sphincters and my anus and all the muscles around. Oh, no. They're going to core me like a ham.

So that bag is permanent? I came back from somewhere. One of the fucking trips we were on, and we were walking the dogs past neighbor Dave's, and Floyd's over there playing the Wii Golf with Reverend Derek and Kenny, and they all come out, and Floyd immediately whips out his...

His girl's gone wild, but his shit bag's gone wild. And he's like, and he just pulls up his shirt to show me his colostomy bag. I was sober. I'm dog walking now. That wasn't?

No, that was my chemo infuser. Oh, I just assumed it was a shit bag. I turned away. A lot of people assume I'm a shit bag. So the – go ahead. Were you going to say something? No, no. But go ahead.

I want to ask about the chemo infuser. That's something that's like an IV bag that's like trickling the chemo. Is that what's going on? Right. Like a measured amount. I go in once a week and get it refilled, and it's just all little computerized battery-operated thing that fits on your belt, has tubes coming out of it that go to this little thing right here.

On your chest? Do you want to see it? Is it a shunt? No, no, we don't want to see it because the listener would just be disappointed that they couldn't. This is like a third. Honestly, the both of us would love it. This looks like a third nipple. But it's all the way up here because I had to have that installed the same way at the hospital.

They put me out, and this has a little tube that goes directly to a vein that goes directly to my heart basically. Instantly. So they can plug a needle in there real easy. So they would plug the fuser into that once a week and then take it out once a week. They probably want to make sure there's no infection or anything going on there. Yeah, well, it lessens the chance of that, blah, blah, blah.

And then I don't have to go every day and sit in one of those chairs while the drip comes through. Yeah, yeah. And I can go to work and do all the normal stuff like that. That's the idea of it. All right, so how long did you do that? How long was – are you still on the chemo bag? No, I had that the same amount of time I had the radiation, six weeks, as I remember, six weeks, something like that.

And that's normal? Yeah. I had some complications from it, however. The tubes came loose a couple times. And here's where it started getting long. But first of all, the chemo started giving me side effects. It lowered my immune system and the first thing to pop up was shingles and in which is annoying enough

you know but then i got some kind of i've i know a few people who've had shingles and it's it's like chicken pox and horrific yes It was one of the least things that happened. As it turned out, then I got this nasty kind of jock itchy thing, which I've had before. Now, since about 140% of my listeners are men, what do you mean by jock itch? Because jock itch to me is between your balls and your side. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It doesn't smell plants, and it itches. It's down there. It usually happens when you haven't taken a bath for a couple weeks, or if you're not circumcised, I guess it can happen a lot more often, but it's called ballinitis. Ernie. Not circumcised, not taking a shower. It is called balanitis

I don't think by your reaction I don't think that's technically accurate no no no it isn't balanitis oh really it is called that I'm not making that up alright so you so you have an unpleasant jock.

Yeah, and so I was putting some cortisone cream on it to try to advance the healing on it. So you don't have to shower. No, I have. Well, with that thing attached to me, in order to shower, I had to hold the machine outside of the shower. I wasn't allowed to take baths because the machine got in the water, blah, blah, problems, you know.

So that was part of the problem, you know. But anyway, I was applying, you know, liberally applying the cream, and I got down, pulled my pants up and looked down and the tube to the diffuser is dangling on the bathroom floor. Bubbling. And when they give you this thing, they give you this little toxic cleanup bag.

I'm not making this up. If it spills, you have to clean it up. If it gets on your skin, it will burn through your skin. But they can pump it in your blood because your blood dilutes it i'm not making this shit no that's the thing is you're serious so anyway i look at the end of it and it's got cortisone cream on it so i know immediately where it spilled you know it spilled right in my crotch oh jesus so so i go oh and i'm showing it to to liz and liz is going oh just reattach it you know i said oh well i don't know this goes directly

to my heart you know i i declined and i just detached everything you know and see i would call shawnee like he can fix anything you're you get something fucked up in bisbee call shawnee I declined, and I just detached everything. See, I would call Shawnee. He can fix anything. You get something fucked up in Bisbee, call Shawnee. He can fix it. Well, I cleaned up as best I can. I didn't get out the toxic cleanup bag. So what did you use, like toilet paper or something?

I just used a washcloth, and I just washed down as best I could. But anyway, and I still don't know if that caused it but but within a then i a week later it did it again too it fell out the tube fell out again in a different place it came unattached and they just you know they said i was moving around too much you know that was the reason i kept doing it but in this time i was at work and it came out up here and a bunch of blood came back out of my body, and my shirt was all wet. That's how I noticed it. And I go, oh.

I just spilled chemicals all over myself. I think Floyd's still drunk. When you listen to him talk and you listen to his story about, I think Floyd drank so much over the course of his life that at four months, you know when you wake up the next morning and you go, I'm really hungover, but I don't feel that't feel that bad you go oh that's because i'm still shit-faced yeah i think you're four months drunk i'm naturally drunk so you spill it all over yourself the second time yeah and i don't know where it went that i had a lot to clean up that time you know and and so but anyways

something around that point i started noticing i also had I also had kind of an open sore on one side. And I said, that's not good. On one side of your groin? Yeah, right under my nutsack. So it was like... How do you know you have an open sore on the back of your nutsack? It hurts. I could have a pot of gold on the back of my nutsack and never find it.

Well, I looked. I can't remember how I looked. I can't remember if I used a mirror to tell you, but I found it, and it was there, and it was festering. And I went to the doctor, and they gave me some antibiotics, and I started taking those. And then shortly after that, I started noticing red spots, real red on my dick and one spot on my balls.

And I thought that was all part of what had already happened, you know, at the time. Spilling chemicals on your dick. Well, it could have been that, or it could have been the shingles. It could have been the ballinitis. You know, it was really hard for me to tell at the time. It could have just been Christmas. But it sure looked like a sunburn, you know, to me. So you'd remember that.

I went and asked my radiologist. My radiologist said, no way, no, you're not in the zone. You could be sprayed, in the spray zone, you know. Spray zone, what does that mean? Well, I guess that means where it gets by where they're really aiming at, you know. Oh, okay. And she proved it by taking me over to the computer and pointing at the screen and saying, see? And I'm going, well, you know, I can't see anything but that, but I can see my dicks.

I can see my dicks red. It's not the chemicals that are in your system, part of the chemotherapy. That's what you mean by spray zone? No, it's not from the radiation. Oh, okay. All right. Which I thought it looked like. It looked like a sun's not from the radiation. Oh, okay. All right. Which I thought it looked like a sunburn. It looked like I was getting burned.

All right. But she said there's no way. No way that that happened. So she said it was... Were you walking your dog with your cock and balls out with no sunscreen? Not that I remember. The radiologist diagnosed it as... What do you call that the ladies get all the time?

Yeast infection. Yeast infection. Wow. I could be on a fucking game show. Yeah, you'd be buzzing in. Bad things wrong with your cock or vagina? Well, I didn't know guys got yeast infection. I'll take spots on nuts for a thousand, Alex. Well, it's, not to correct our guest, but it's balanitis, not balanitis.

Bal. He's on his phone. Well, I just thought I'd get the actual definition, and it's a swelling of the foreskin or head of the penis on uncircumcised men. Poor hygiene in uncircumcised men. I am circumcised. Thank God. I'd ask you to leave we don't throw that mic away yeah and it didn't start out on the head but it wound up there and uh god had so many things going on it's hard to tell which one it was but anyway she gave me some pills for for the yeast infection. I go back in three days, and it's just blown up. It's all over.

It's like huge. Wait, blown up like swollen up? Because everyone wants to get a visual of it. It's blown up, and it's red all over. It's beet red. It's like a hot spot. And it's starting to get oozy, pussy, white, bloody stuff and blisters. We're up to

155% all male listeners. Like I said, it looked like a zombie been chewing on it. It's fucking horrible. And she says, well, you must have not taken your medication right.

No, no, no no i counted the pills i took it all right and i know they gave me some other pills and other antibiotics that was an antifungal i think and they give me antibiotics and it just kept continuing to get worse finally they said you just need to go to the emergency room so i went there and that's where they said bowenitis oh that's first of all you go to the emergency room. So I went there, and that's where they said bow and itis. First of all, you go to the emergency room, and it's silent in the lobby. So everyone's hearing what you're there for. I brought Bingo to the emergency room countless times, and there's three people in there.

So they hear everything you say. So you go, my dick's all weird. What do you say? The guy with zombie dick needs to come up to the counter. I don't know. But since I had to see the surgeon that day like an idiot, I said, well, we're going to Tucson. No, we're going to Tucson. I'll just go to the clinic in Tucson, which was a five-hour wait instead of like a 50-minute wait in Bisbee or something. So that was stupid.

But, you know, and then they gave me a bunch of stuff that didn't work either. And you're getting different diagnoses all the time, right? Yes, yes, quite a few. And by the next weekend, I was back in the emergency room again. Oh, you're digging hot chicken soup. What? I don't. Went back to the emergency room in Bisbee this time,

and I can't remember why, but it was a weekend, and I was really hurting, and I couldn't pee and other stuff like that. And he said that something made pretty much sense. He said, well, this isn't going to kill you, but the cancer will. So you need to just bear up and go through this. There's a lot of stuff that happens when you go through this. Just get through the chemo, get through the radiation, and then this will all blow over and you'll be fine.

And that made a lot of sense. No, it doesn't make sense. You get weird shit on your dick i had a fucking ingrown hair that went awful to this day i can't talk about it it just went offline i had to go to the fucking chirikawa clinic and i i still think cancer would have taken a second place to a fucking the angry sore on your nuts oh Oh, yeah. It turned into a hole. Yeah. It was bad. And then I had to go to Costa Rica

because I already had tickets. And I'm just sitting down there going, I don't want to be in a tropical climate with a fucking hole from an abscess in my dick. Oh, no. Not Costa Rica. No, I would have rather fucking died of cancer. Hold off, Floyd.

Let's hear more about Doug's – Go ahead. The abscess in his penis. Wild hair. All right, go on, if you will, with your cancer. Whatever. Let's get this through. We'll get through this.

Dick is worse than cancer. But anyway, so I had to find some ways to cope, and I had to come up with some ways to cope because I couldn't wear regular clothing because my dick would stick to it, and it would be like Velcro until I could get it off. You know, it's like – Oh. I can laugh now. The open sores are sticking to your undergarments.

The whole freaking thing was sticking to anything clothing-wise. So I couldn't touch anything. It would just stick there, and I had to peel it off. It would just... So even I wanted to go to the doctor. It was awkward. So I didn't want... So you're wearing a muumuu. No, no.

I came up with this. I could probably market these and sell these. I tore apart our salad shooter. And you know the little basket inside? We don't have one of those giant ones. Hold on a second. I'm familiar with the product. A salad shooter is a bowl that has a colander on the inside of the bowl

and a geared crank on the top that you spin the salad really quickly, and then all the moisture comes off and collects below the bowl, and you take out your dry, clean lettuce, correct? Mm-hmm. All right. No, we're not going to use it. No way. Put it in the yard sale, maybe. What did you do?

I had to hold my hernia for that one. No, we can't use that. So you took the strainer, the basket part. And I put it down. I got some real baggy pants. Sure. Put it down there like Star Wars shield, you know. It looked a little weird, bulgy and everything.

And I'd wear a real long shirt. You've got to get on the mic, dude. I'd wear a real long shirt. Yeah. And it bulged out and made me look real manly, you know. No. But, you know, people didn't notice that much in Bisbee, you know, especially at Safeway.

You know, I'd just walk around. No one makes eye contact at Safeway because you're afraid you're going to see someone. No, not when you look like that. I thought you were just sitting down at the miners and merchants. Oh, I thought he was at home. No, I didn't go to work for a month. I could not go to work.

I wasn't going to go in like that and try to wait on people. But I did have to go to Safeway and to the doctor. And neighbor Dave gave me rides to the doctor all the time. And that was really great. I sure give a plug to neighbor Dave. Yeah, neighbor Dave. His dick probably looks like that all the time. All I wanted to know was it was it contagious curtain uh like shield it maybe maybe there's your market apart well whatever it worked and it just say saved me it just like i was able to make

it through the whole thing because i had that on there and the other thing that saved me was and stupid doctors i went i went to went to all kinds of different doctors. Not one of them said, you know, because I was having a lot of trouble peeing, that, you know, put your dick in some warm water and it'll help you pee. And I came up with that on my own, thank God, because I was having a hard time. Otherwise, I would have had a catheter put in. I didn't with that on my own, thank God, because I was having a hard time. Otherwise, I would have had a catheter put in. I didn't want that. So if you're out there and you ever have this problem, warm water, you know.

Oh, yeah. Speaking of, while you're taking notes, Floyd can't go in the pool. It's about that time of year. About that time of year, we're going to fill up the pool. Wait till I get my colostomy bag. You think no go in the pool. No floaties in the pool. Wait till I get my colostomy bag. You think no go in the pool. No floaties in the pool. I'm just a bad swimmer.

Daddy, what's that thing on that guy's stomach? So it went away. How long did you have zombie dick? Well, it started going away as soon as the radiation chemotherapy ended. And so it started getting better it took about two weeks to get noticeably better at about another week to where i could wear clothes again and uh how long before your wife blew you hey honey i quit drinking for you i almost had to stop masturbating you know If we could go back one second, the scabby shooter, how did you keep that in place? Was it just your pants?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me go back. How did I do it? Oh, okay. So I wear one pair of underwear and put it up under me and put the other pair of underwear over the scabby shooter and that would hold it in a place oh you borrowed a pair of neighbor dave's underwear no no just i doubled up it held it it jiggled around a little bit and if it jiggled around too much it would hurt like hell so i had to be pretty careful because nothing could touch

anything or he just i mean it felt it felt i swear like somebody put me on a meat block and smacked me with a hammer, literally. I mean, that's how it felt. Boom. And they gave me fentanyl patches. They gave me hydromorphine. They gave me all kinds of shit to take. And it still, I couldn't even watch TV when it was really hurting. I could just stare at the wall and go, uh-uh.

That's terrible. Horrible. That dick thing of one vasectomy. I think I'm sure I talked about this on an album where I, after my vasectomy and my balls swelled up, just, just anything that like, I was afraid of like eye contact and traffic where I would extrapolate that

into, if there's a road raid situation and I had to like fight or run or anything or move quickly, I was just terrified of every fucking thing in the world. So now let's get to now, now that zombie dick has gone away, we want to take a break. Should we take a break now? And then we'll get to your asshole being cut out?

Well, well, yeah, well, people at home might need a break. Let me tell you. Let me expound on one thing that happened. Go.

Two days after the end of the treatment, I had this weird thing happen. I just woke up on Thursday morning, and I was in this fantastic mood. Because first of all, it's over. I don't have to do this anymore. But I was just in a fantastic freaking mood. I felt good.

Just happy. Happy to walk outside. Woo-hoo. Breathe air. You know, it just felt really good. And it's lasted since then. I've been in a wonderful mood since. I've never seen you in anything but a wonderful mood.

I'm in a better mood. I've been in a wonderful mood since. I've never seen you in anything but a wonderful mood. I'm in a better mood. I feel good. And I seriously want to beat this thing so I can drink again. No other reason. I just been, for no particular reason, happy.

I feel good. See, there's a positive message. We're going to take a break. As you can hear, I'm slurping a drink. So I'm going to make a drink, drink it in front of Floyd. And never feel bad about that. We'll be right back after this. We'll be right back.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Sacks! Ah!

Rulers of the underpants universe! Sacks! Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sacks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know.

All right, we are back. And now, Floyd, now that your zombie dick is gone and your chemo is your stint, what happened to the hole in your heart? I still got the port because they're going to do some chemo later. Oh, more chemo to come? Mm-hmm. All right, but they're going to cut out your asshole

and your sphincters, double sphincters? I never knew you had two sphincters. I guess I have short fingers. I don't know. I just believe what the doctor tells me. What can I say? You know, they just, you know, well, most of the times, except for my, I had a problem with my radiation doc the other day.

We had a little dust up. Dr. Vinny Boombots? It sounded like you were setting up a joke. No, no, we had a little dust up. Donny Brook? I went in for my one-month follow-up. That's your word of the day right there, Donny Brook. Look it up.

Google it. Go ahead. So you go in. And I mentioned the fact that I, well, not the fact, not a fact, but what I thought, I thought that I actually had some radiation burns, you know, along with everything else. Where? On my dick.

Oh, so we're not done with the dick. No, we're not. I was segwaying the asshole, but maybe we should have taken the birth plate. Consider it a callback. Okay. Okay. Because this just happened just recently. Anyways, I thought that I had radiation burn.

That was really what the information was all about. I first got herpes. I went through the whole Rolodex of other things. Radiation burn? I was near Area 51. Please, please, radiation burn. I just mentioned that I thought, my opinion you know blah blah but she just went ballistic i mean she just got really like the doctor went the doctor yeah she said i

can't be your doctor if you don't trust me and fired me as a, see, now I'm seeing lawsuit. She's going to sue me. But no, no, I don't. So what was your argument? This is a radiation burn, and she's saying what? Well, I questioned her diagnosis. She said it was caused by something from the chemo. And I said, well, I think it wasn't just that. I just thought, you know, that it was a...

You're a dirty woman. You gave me herpes with your hands. No, no, no. It just, I don't know that. I just think that. But she would not like to be questioned, and she got irate. You know, the thing is, the whole thing is over with her radiology anyway, so it was just a follow-up.

So she fired me from following up on her stuff, so who cares? I got fired from an accountant once for not having enough money. Getting fired by a doctor? I don't even want to be her doctor. She already had the money, so the insurance got that down. She already had the money, you know, so the insurance got that down. I just don't understand, you know, why doctors get so, you know, uppity. Like they think that you should believe everything and never question anything they say.

I'm just not like that, so I question stuff. Was it perhaps maybe you were bringing something to light that may have been her fault? Maybe she thought I was blaming her. I wasn't because I'd gone online and I wanted a couple cancer forums. I've talked to a lot of people who have gone through it, and I talked to at least a dozen people, both men and women, who've had radiation burns from the radiology. So I think it's quite possible, and I don't care what the computer says. I don't care, blah, says. I don't care.

It is a possibility. That's all. So I was just bringing that up. Just for the listener out there, this is not another Margo podcast. This is Floyd. He's talking to us. You know, I got allergies. I've been allergies for the last couple of weeks. A man is apologizing

for sounding too much like Margo. No, it's allergies. That's why it's so deep. I'm talking through a brick. Okay, so you got fired by your doctor. Yeah. So, you know, big whoop. And the new doctor?

Well, she just referred me to the chemo doctor. I don't really care. I don't want to go back. So what's next? Next is the surgery, and that happens in a month from tomorrow, on the 11th of May. I go in, and they drill me. You know, they basically cut me open here, and they cut me up down here, and they drill me. They basically cut me open here,

and they cut me up down here, and they attach. You're pointing to your abdomen and your asshole. Yeah. You know the difference, right? Yeah, but the listeners don't. Oh, shut up. I'm kidding. Oh, God.

Let me get straight to you. Is this why she fired you? Are you testing? Well, yeah. Okay, so they're going to cut through your guts. I can be difficult. If I can interject, my father had this surgery, and I took care of him for a couple of years afterwards.

I'm going to point to myself on my own body where this scar is. It goes from, I think, what you're talking about. Oh, yeah. I had to clean that on my dad. My dad had shit cancer too. It goes from your belly button down, straight down, and then around the ball sack area and then to the anus or the – Not my dad.

That is quite possible. The way my doctor talked... Don't sweat the details, Floyd. Just relax. All they said, they had to cut here and there, both. And it's going to be a serious thing. I'm going to be in the hospital a week for it, you know, at least.

And she suggested that I... No, don't go back to work for three to four months. But I told her it was a problem, that my boss was an asshole, and he wouldn't let me off that much. Then she looked at me like. Floyd is self-employed. Floyd owns his own shop.

That's the joke, listen. She stared at me for a moment. That animal. What can we do? that animal, what can we do? But no, I can't afford to be out of work for that long, really, but hopefully it won't take that long. Well, don't worry. We'll do a fundraiser for you.

And during that time, at some point, at some point during the next six months from the surgery, I have to go in and take more chemo. And then I'll be done with the chemo as long as I get a clean scan. Wait, they're going to cut out your asshole. First of all, let's get a graphic about it. You're never going to take a shit again? Oh, I'll take shits.

They just won't come out the same place again. They're sewing my butt up. So you're going to be on a bag. Yeah, I'm going to be on a bag. Forever. Yeah, a bag forever. All right. But look at the bright side.

Get him his own chair like neighbor Dave. So it's because the cancer or the cancerous area that they've located on you is so close to the exit portal that they can't really do anything except sew that up and then have you shit in a bag for the rest of your life. I could probably find a doctor who would do it, but the chances of the cancer spreading become a lot more likely if they don't take it out a certain amount of i think that's two or three centimeters yeah and i got one centimeter you know so your asshole is working now it's working real good right now because the the the chemo and the radiation shrunk it down really good since i saw that months ago what i thought was a colostomy bag that you were showing me with the tube i just you pulled up your shirt and I looked away. I don't need to see.

So I've assumed that you've been shitting in a bag this whole time. No. That's coming up. That was the chemo infuser, which you don't know because the reaction when. Yeah, I just assume. That little teeny tiny tube, you thought shit was going through that. I understand. I didn't look. I didn't look.

I didn't stare. I didn't size it up. I saw you pulling up your shit. You're a light eater. You're a drinker. It's like meeting somebody with really bad teeth. You don't want to really look. Oh, yeah.

No. All right. I'll just leave that alone. It wouldn't be obvious. Doug could go into it, but he'd make the cancer patient cry what no no your explanation so

yeah my first worry would be about my diet because just shitting now if you take downers and then I didn't drink water I gotta take I eat like poop pills. Psyllium husk.

Psyllium husk. Sponsor of the show. Yes. Psyllium husk. Fucking if you want ginormous poops that you take pictures of and put on Twitter. I just tweeted a poop. It was that big not too long ago. And you know what?

That's another good reason to take pictures of your poop and tweet them is because maybe someone spots blood in it and you can catch your cancer before they have to sew your asshole shut like the eyes in a Metallica video. Right. Scorpions, maybe. I don't know. Well, scorpions have the forks. Maybe it's nine inch nails.

I don't know. Someone had their eyes sewn shut. Who had their soaks shut? Also, the rectum. Hold on. Hold on. We got to get to the bottom of this. I don't know. Someone had their eyes sewn shut. Who sewed shut? Also, the rectum. Hold on, hold on. We gotta get to the bottom of this. I just remember a video. I don't know. I'm not a music guy. Maybe it's an album cover. I don't know. Some fucking eyeball

sewn shut. Blackout had Shanker with the scorpions. No, it was sewn shut. Sewn shut. Can you sew them shut? Maybe I just envisioned it when I heard that lyric. Alice in Chains? Man in the Box? That was one of the visuals, yeah.

Maybe it's not. Either way. Alice in Chains, touring this summer. We'll do that as a benefit. Hey, tweet your poops the winning poop uh i might have to take a picture of my last poop you know absolutely well that's what i'm thinking like i i know what affects a poop at this point or i know how to make a poop but if you have a bag you don't want a solid no-wiper.

You think you'd want mud. They're all no-wipers. Yeah, but I'm saying... Like, how big's the tube? When you have a colostomy bag, how big's the tube? I think it... From what I see,

the color of the stoma, I have no idea. Oh, yeah, no, but... All right, so that's two inches you're showing me. When my dad had shit cancer, my brother would call me up because we traded off early on. Okay. When they get to that place where they're going to die, my brother gets dad.

I get ma. There's two of you and you guys. Well, I get along better with ma. Yeah, you flip the coin. They're regionally. They're closer. And I got Ma with me so but my brother would call me up while he's

taking care of my dad and go I just had to clean off dad's stoma and I just hang up on him and go stop it I don't want to hear it and he'd call me up I just had to pick up dad's dick and put it in the bedpan and I'd go you get the house

stop calling. But yeah, the stoma. Well, here's how the rectum works. The stuff goes in there fairly loose, I think, already. From the large intestine, it dumps into the colon. Yeah. And then that's where it forms into the nice bricks or whatever. Oh, okay.

So the foundry is, this is where it's still clay. This is where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze just have it on a clay wheel. Arms wrapped around each other on a clay wheel. Yeah, before it goes into the kiln. So they're cutting out your kiln. So the colon is the kiln. Not just the kiln, but it also absorbs a lot of nutrients. So, you know, and I did ask one of my doctors,

well, won't I need to take supplements or something like vitamins because I won't be getting as much vitamins? And all the doctors say, well, nobody's ever asked me that before. I don't know. So I don't know. I'm not really. Oh, there's plenty of people in this town. I'll tell you exactly what to do.

Aromatherapy, maybe? Weed oil. Weed oil. You know, marijuana. Wait, you're doing the weed, right? Well, no. Medicinal? No, no, I'm not.

Wait, are you a cop? But I'm not. You can't get medicinal marijuana? Oh, I can if I want, but somebody I'm not. Wait, are you a cop? But I'm not. You can't get medicinal marijuana? I can if I want, but somebody will have a sniff it. And I don't really like pot. Quit drinking and quit sniffing. You know, actually, I would, but I just don't care. If I find the right strain, maybe I'd smoke.

I smoked for 25 years, but it gives me anxiety and just makes me you know really shut down it's much different now yeah it's too strong well but you can get doses that are kind of cued into what you're trying to fight because if there's anyone who's eligible for medical the biggest problem with it it doesn't make me drunk. What I need are Quaaludes, and you can't find those. Yeah, no, we watch Wolf of Wall Street. We know they're not around anymore. So in a month, you're going to have a bag.

It's almost like I lost a friend now. You're already mourning the loss. Don't make Floyd laugh. If he doubles over, there's going to be a spiel. And I always took my asshole for granted, pretty much. Are you going to do... Dave Attell used to have a great bit. If I knew I was going to lose my hair, I'd have done crazy things and get a bouffant.

I thought of asking him if I could put it in a jar or something like that. No, between now and when your asshole goes away, you're going to stick pickles in it and do fun stuff, try to pump air into it and then blow up balloons for kids. No, I don't want to disrespect it. I might have a memorial service. I'm not feeling to disrespect it. I might have a memorial service. I don't want to disrespect it. Some kind of memorial.

I think we can throw that party. I do have a book to write, but do you have a date yet? Talk to the rectum. Going away party for your asshole. I do not. You don't have a surgery date? Oh, the surgery date, yeah. May 11th.

May 11th. Which is a Monday. Well, then Saturday night. That's right before... Do you have plenty of time before the tour? Cocktail, psyllium husk. Yeah. If we fill your asshole with helium,

will you fart in a high pitch? We'll put one of them, the cat call whistles. We're going to do crazy things with Floyd's asshole. Out with a bang, man. I'm not a fan of myself, but I would be the only kind of person I'd want to be around if I had shit cancer. You have a way.

And Floyd knew coming in. He's like, oh, geez, now I have fucking ass cancer and I got to go hang out at football. Yeah, you had most of the jokes coming in. We couldn't get the punchlines because you had them first. Well, there's so many of them out there. I mean, really, it's endless. Just ass jokes.

Back when I used to do comedy, I had a lot of ass jokes. Floyd did comedy for a minute in the 90s, early 90s? Back in the 90s. I worked my way all the way up the middle, and then I quit. Yeah. His stage name was Phil DeVoid. Phil DeVoid. You can see why I quit.

Well, I quit. Well, I wasn't funny. That was one thing. But I was funny. I didn't want to. I see you have to pay your dues. You have to go on the road you have to you have to you know it's not a something for a 40 something you know and i had

you know a kid and stuff like that i could just see that's when i moved i quit when i moved to bisbee you know well you still do what you did for a while when i first moved here you were doing like the women's club yeah i would do it once in a while they annually the women's club would do it? Yeah, I would do it once in a while. Annually, the women's club do some ha-ha-palooza kind of night? I did a bit down at the jazz club a few months ago, and it was fun. It was fun to get out and do it again. A jazz club? We have a jazz club?

We had a jazz club for about two months over in the San Jose Open Center at La Ramada. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. It was only for a couple months, and he asked me if I wanted to embassy it, La Ramada. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. I was only here for a couple months, and he asked me if I wanted to emcee it, and I said, yeah, sure. So I went over there and did some jokes and stuff,

and it was really hard. My jokes are all 20 years old, so that doesn't help. So you can still write for TV. Yeah. Hey, what's up with this John Wayne Bobbitt? Yeah. Yeah, like that.

Bruce Valance. I'm getting my asshole cut out. Bruce Valance is sweating and going like, the Emmys are coming up. Who's this Phil DeVoy? Well, you know, going on the road in

a different city all the time, you're working in a bar where they encourage you to drink and it's free, and then they want to party afterwards. It's not a game for a 40-something anyway. Back then, 40-something. Yeah, back then. By the way, the hardcores

out there, at one point we put out some youtubey clip it was for my website but i'm sure it exists on youtube somewhere i was just announcing i'm coming to do some show i was just promoting a show with a clip and floyd was in the background and they put graphics up like who's this guy he's the guy that looks exactly like charles bukowski and i have a friend alfredo Trifaris, who was a friend, but I know he still lives in Seattle, who looks exactly like Dr. Drew. And if I thought Floyd could act, because Alfredo's a comic and he's actually played Dr. Drew in Sketch Troops, played dr drew in sketch troops uh i was gonna do a video of charles buchowski in celebrity rehab and have alfredo be dr drew and like what and i when i did dr drew's podcast i said what would you say to you know hunter s thompson or uh dean martin a classic drunk classic fuck-ups uh

and he's like oh but I think that would be, it would have been a brilliant video, but. Maybe we give him something to look forward to. If you have the album Hostage by Charles Bukowski, which I had hanging in my wall of albums in the laundry room, I said, Floyd, do you know you look exactly like Charles Bukowski? And that's back when his hair was like that, too. And I brought out the album.

Oh, fuck. So he was actually practicing trying to talk like Charles Bukowski. I'm not sure I could pull it off or not. Maybe. I don't know. Hard to tell. A couple of whiskeys. I don't know if enough people even know what he looks like.

But, yeah, you do have that gift. So yeah, we'll set a party. I'm up for that. Your asshole going away party. And then we'll... Oh my God, I can't wait. Yeah. Please tweet all your ideas

for what to do with Floyd's asshole within reason. The asshole's going away, but the asshole will still be here. I just imagine your wife walking through the gates, seeing you bent over a thing with a bunch of people laughing and clapping while you're doing something. You're blowing fart bubbles into a bubble wand. A kazoo.

A kazoo, whatever. I just imagine you leaning your head back over your shoulder and screaming, at least I'm not drinking, Lizzie. I'm pretty sure Liz would be a no-show for that party. I already brought up the

possibility of a party, and she said, I'm not going. That's fine. She doesn't drink anyway. You know what? I see Liz at Safeway. It takes me... I say hi. We have small talk. We chat. Then I zip

off to the other side of Safeway and I say to Bingo, who was that? Because she's nice to me. You're suspicious? I would never think it's Floyd's wife because I just assumed because she's nice to me. So I'm like, you're suspicious. Yeah. Well, I would never think it's Floyd's wife because I had just assumed she hates me,

but she probably does. Oh, she doesn't, she doesn't hate you. She, she doesn't approve of you. Same thing. She doesn't approve of me either.

You know, but we get along pretty good for 20 years, 21 years. I can't remember. But you know, we, we've always had a good relationship in a lot of ways. It always outweighed the bad.

Yeah, it works. And she's stuck by you? You guys are, you know, you're a team going into this? Now you know she doesn't just love you for your sphincter. Or the other one. Yeah, right. Yeah, other one. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Either one.

Yeah. Well, that's, that's Floyd. I'm looking forward to this. I have a couple other things. I'll just save them for the next podcast because they're not related to Floyd and Floyd was a perfect guest.

Well, all right, that's it. Usually go ahead. Hang on. Well, let's pause. I need one more drink. All right. We'll see if there, go ahead. Hang on. Well, let's pause because I need one more drink.

All right. We'll see if there's anything we need to wrap up. All right. Hey, quick update on the Killer Termites. First of all, the fucking merchandise, you kind of stole my Chaley because the fucking Killer Termites shirts are going out the fucking window. And so all fucking Chaley's doing is

packaging and shipping shit and I have no friends. So screw you. Buy a little bit less this time. I don't like this. I don't approve this ad. I guarantee you right now, this will not go on the air. That's going

on the air. It will not go on the air. I will go on the air. I said buy some. You said buy. Listen. How about if you live in the Northeast, just buy a whole shitload, and then you sell them for a couple dollars more so I get my friend back because all he's doing is fucking selling merch. And this is going on the air.

I run this thing, don't I? Not really. All right. And the other thing is the big. I run this thing, don't I? Not really. All right. And the other thing is the big finish. What the killer term? We're in back order. We're sold out, but you can still order online. You ordered more.

So you'll never be my friend. Yes. All right. So, yeah, go ahead. Order more. You know, I don't really like Chaley during the day. I need it. It takes me several Negronis.

Everyone loves that I'm in that little room by myself. Alright. And the Killer Termites, you, who have been named such, and we're, the fucking bingo thing, the Wyoming short film

contest that I had to fucking collapse and go, will you vote for my girlfriend? But you did. And the guy that you're beating is very fucking angry and wrote Lindy, the girl that made the video and her husband, actually, her husband, Jeremy. But yeah, wrote them.

She said an 11 page email. First of all, there's no pages in email. This is all Chinese television. And I'm like, send me the fucking thing. Because he's like bitching and saying, well, you... I'll leave the light on for you. Jeremy works for the community college. So he's going, oh, you got the whole college.

Oh, first of all, it's rural, rural Wyoming. Rural for Wyoming, Wyoming. oh first of all it's rural rural wyoming rural for wyoming wyoming which wyoming is already rural and this is smaller that everyone in that fucking college could not do what the killer termites have done so yeah he's losing he's upset and it's very good and i'm gonna get a hold of that fucking email and i'll give you quotes of what he's bitching about. Because I told Lindy, I go, she goes, you can't put this on a podcast. Yes, I can. First of all, he has no idea that we're doing this. He thinks some small community college is doing this.

No, we're doing it. He's not reading the comments. Killer Termites Unite. There's all sorts of Killer Termites comments on that video. Go bingo. He's not looking any of this shit up to find the source of this, which is great. And he's crying and cheating.

Yeah, it is cheating. That's what those fucking contests are, dummy. You wave $25,000 in front of someone's face, and everyone gets all their friends to fucking click on shit, and they're going, we have, they're very excited because they're getting clicks from Brazil and fucking China and all these weird places. The people running the contest.

Yeah, they're very happy about that, and that's why they do a voting thing. So thank you. There's a couple days left of that by the time this goes up on the air it's wyoming short film contest google that and the the video that's it they have two videos because it goes down to the top five and they have two videos bingos is oh up above that's the one that you know we're fucking crushing yes that's the one that we're rigging but But it's a rigged game. And the other one, they have a second one.

So get the fucking Tumbleweed. Get that in the top five, too. Since you're there anyway. We're playing. We're above board. No, it wasn't third. It dropped to fifth today. Tumbleweed dropped to fifth. But just.

Yeah, do that. We are above. I love you for doing that. Don't retweet it. Don't try to get your friends to do it. Because then you're a sad fuck like me. I had to do it. You don't have to.

It's not your girlfriend. But if you click on that, do click on that. And thanks. And now let's get back to our podcast already in progress. All right. We're going away now. Floyd has to go to dinner to load up on some food so he can have some final nice poops. And if you want a nice, solid poop, not just psyllium husk, go to Cafe Roca in Bisbee.

They will fill you full of food to poop out. It's wonderful going in. It's wonderful coming out. Take a picture, Floyd. You got to take a picture of food to poop out. It's wonderful going in. It's wonderful coming out. Take a picture, Floyd. You've got to take a picture of your final poop. I will. You've bought, what's the website? Because it's funny you shared it. I have bought the domain name kissmyasscancer.com.

Kissmyasscancer.com. I haven't done anything with it yet, but I planned. Well, you know what? The Killer Termites. I have smart fans, too, that probably resent being labeled as, like, dude, I'm a fucking architect. I'm 55 years old. Don't call me a killer termite.

Anyway, yes, the people listening, you can follow Floyd and give him tips on Twitter, because you have a Twitter, at Arizona Lizards, spelled out in plural, Arizona Lizards on Twitter, and tell him what he can do. Do it with my ass, Cancer. KissMyAssCancer.com, because it's a fucking great. Yeah, I'm looking for some ideas.

I can't believe it was available. Maybe a GoFundMe thing, you know, GoFundMyAss. No, I'm not going to do that. No, no, no, there's no fucking GoFundMes going on. my ideas can't believe it was available maybe a go fund me thing you know go fund my ass no i'm not gonna do that no no no there's no fucking go fund me's going on yeah i just gotta go fund me where i'm like oh jesus i really should do this but nah that's your fault i am gonna have some t-shirts made though kiss my ass and you've seen the picture of me looking through your your i can see ass cancer jumping on that the same way the fucking breast cancer with the pink kiss my ass cancer and then that being a big thing but it's that's good for you and what did i just ebay oh

hey this is how we figured out how if you want to help floyd floyd sells shit on ebay he owns miners and merchants here he's brought us so many great things it's an antique shop a curiosity shop oh fuck Floyd used to have an antique shop in Denver and it was called

Dead People's Things Dead People's Things I don't know why you don't change the fucking name of your shop here to dead people's things that's the best our motto was they could take it with them but you can't they could they couldn't take it with them but you can i'd fund that if you would change miners and merchants back to dead people's things from your denver store but he sells shit on e. So if you want to buy some shit,

you go to eBay and it's Horse Hotel. Horse Hotel is my eBay tag. Your store, is it? My eBay store name. I've been doing it since 97 and 100% positive feedback. So yeah, find some weird

shit. I'm always running good, cool stuff on there. The amount of shit in this house that came from Floyd. If you're not busy, can I stop by? I got something for you. The joke phone. Yeah. I was looking at that the other day.

It's like an old, probably 70s. It's a payphone. It's a payphone with the three different size coins at the top. No, that's just one coin. A quarter slot at the top. No, that's just one coin. A quarter slot at the top. Kiss my ass cancer. Is that the same one? Yeah.

It's a cornhole. It's a cornhole board. Remember the cornhole board I have with the guy bending over, spreading his ass cheeks open, and that's the hole you have to throw the bag through? He did that up with Kiss My Ass Cancer on the board as the guy's stretching his asshole open. You should put that up because this will go up probably Monday. I got to put that on his shirt.

All right, so there you go. Yeah, go buy some dumb shit from Floyd. He's got good stuff there. We pop in there every once in a while. Three floors, is that it? Three floors. It's got good stuff there. We pop in there every once in a while. Three floors. Three floors. It's very dangerous downstairs.

That's part of the excitement. It's creepy. Yeah. It was the wealthiest bank in Arizona a hundred years ago, the building. And it will be again

after all these people buy Curios from him. All right. All right. Hey, thank you guys, listeners. And I'm going to keep doing these fucking podcasts even when I'm writing the book. I'm going in.

It's like 30 days in the hole, but it's going to be six weeks. Monday at the latest. Monday at the latest. But I'll still do the podcast. All right. And that is the podcast. We'll see you shortly.

Play the Matoid. One, two, three, seven. Yeah. Right on, baby. The priest is here And the casket is ready Her body inside Looks nice and steady

Let's play it for the man For the last time Play it for the man Farewell Play it for the man For the last time, wait for the man Farewell, wait for the man For the last time, wait for the man Praise the Lord and we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party

Yeah! Alright! Now the priest is talking And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove Let's play it for the man For the last time's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man

Farewell Play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Praise the Lord And we got to go and meet the funeral party Got to go and meet the funeral party Got to go and meet the funeral party Yeah! Alright!

Everybody, cry! Yeah Praise the Lord Yeah Yeah Yeah Praise the Lord And we got you gone With the funeral walk We got you gone with the funeral party

We've got you gone with the funeral party We've got you gone with the funeral party We've got you gone with the funeral party Party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party, party Yeah! BUN BUN BUN BUN NOOOOOOO