The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #67: Bingo's Caddy Goes On The Auction Block

Episode Date: April 16, 2015

Doug thinks up ways to celebrate a bon voyage to Floyd's asshole and Bingo sells her Cadillac on eBay. Here is the link to the eBay auction of Bingo's cadillac http://ebay.to/1P8lMKrAuction Ends Sunday April 26, 2015 at 1:48PM EST.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded April 13, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo! (@bingobingaman), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-MINISTRY – THE LOST GOSPELS OF AL JORGENSEN - http://amzn.to/1ENcDUDLove Boat sung by The Mattoid - http://bit.ly/1b1eU2yJon Gnarr's Night Shift Youtube clip - https://youtu.be/VewG0quEP3IIntro music "The Only One Drinking Tonight" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Love Boat” lyrics by Paul Williams, music by Charles Fox and covered by The Mattoid. Mishka Shubaly songs available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again Blew my drug money on a quart of gin Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one who's drinking tonight

Hi, this is Amy Bingo... Hi, this is Amy Bingo Bingaman and I listen to the Doug Stanhope podcast before I go to the Golden Corral and try to break records in the gooey fudge waterfall. I'm Amy Bingo Bingaman. I like to bathe in the fudge waterfall at the Golden Corral Steakhouse. It gets up all in my folds and I put sprinkles all over myself. I want to do an Amy Bingo Bingaman

ringtone. You just did. Hello, this is Amy Bingo Bingaman. Please pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. I need ding-dongs and toffee. Please pick up the phone. It's Amy Bingo Bingobin.

Hey, it's the Doug Stanhope Podcast with Greg Chaley and Amy Bingo Bingobin. Hi, this is Amy Bingo Bingobin. Remember when, I think it was Todd Glasses, I think it was Todd Glasses, or the Bone Zone. Maybe it was the Bone Zone Podcast

where they had Mike McRae and Henry Phillips on. And Mike McRae does a perfect Henry Phillips impression. So they had Henry talking to Henry. I think that was Todd Glass. I think it was The Bone Zone. Either way. I'll put a link. It doesn't matter.

The point is we could do that now because we have Amy Bingo Bingaman here. And my impression of her sounds exactly like her. Oh, please. Spot on, I think, is the way they describe that. Yeah, no, I call her parents up and fuck with them. Hi, Mom. This is Amy Bingo Bingaman. I'm thinking about committing suicide by eating all the marble cake.

Ron, she doesn't sound good. Get on the phone. Ron. Ron. Ron. I do a pretty good bingo's mom. Ron. That's bingo's dad, of course.

All right. So this is whatever day it is. And I was a prick to a guy. Tell me, was I a prick to a guy? Because I try to un-be a prick. Because Chaley emails me. And I'd seen that before. That guy was on eBay.

I don't know if he's doing the same shit on eBay anymore. Or maybe they ran him out of eBay. But this guy sells like, would that be a lithograph? I don't know what the media was in, but it was like a piece of artwork. Pictures that you have out there of you and then you kind of – what do you call that? It's almost like a negative image. Yeah. All right.

So he did some artsy Photoshop stuff. Yeah, he Photoshopped it up and put a quote from the person or person or not a quote he's like 1100 things for sale so there's a picture of me autographed with a quote of mine and then there's like a million other people from fucking sarah silverman to uh uh what's his name christopher hitchens just a million people what's his name? Christopher Hitchens. Just a million people. Wow.

And a lot of them are autographed, but I didn't sign it. Because when I first saw this shit on eBay a long time ago, I'm going, wait, first of all, you signed a bunch of shit. You never know what you signed. People just jam something in your face at the merch booth. You signed the fucking thing. Two weeks on the road.

I mean, you're signing 100 things a night. Right, but there was stuff that, I've never seen that picture in my life where did where did this come from or that's a still shot from you know a tv show and uh and then when i was looking the first time i noticed all the autographs are the exact same autograph where i i can't sign my fucking name twice like you can only distinguish the d and the s in my autograph and it's fucking sloppy and different every time and uh so i yeah i saw that and then i let it go yeah what are you gonna be a prick but when you sent me that did you sign this and you had a link to it it's on et Etsy. No, no, that's the same fucking guy.

Because I know it's in Cardiff. It's in the UK. Yeah. So I wrote to him and I went, yeah, fucking. Because the way he phrases it, it's an authentic or an autographed replica. So it sounds like the picture is a replica of some other fucking picture and it's autographed but if you read in the fine print he says the autograph is well you stole the fucking autograph from something i actually did sign and then you just put that

is that not just blatant forgery at that point that well i don't know what the rules are there because he's telling you that this is not your signature but but you have to search if you look at it you have to really you almost have to have a fucking lawyer to read yeah figure out oh wait that it's a replica autograph that's like okay this is it's a 20 bill it's a $20 bill. It's a replica $20 bill. Yeah. Well, that's a counterfeit, which again – There's your answer. That's exactly what that is. It's a piece of artwork that has a counterfeit signature on it. Sure, and I don't know if that's fucking legal, much less –

maybe it's legal in the UK. I don't know. I just – you sent me that, and it was morning, and I wanted someone to yell at. So I found, I send a message to the seller and I went, yeah, nice try on that fucking,

you know, autograph replica wording. Take that shit down. You fucking fraud. What did you say? And he sent an email back. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to piss you off.

I'm a huge fan. I saw your show when you were in Cardiff, et cetera. You are, you know, I'm a huge fan. I saw your show when you were in Cardiff, et cetera. You are, you know, it's completely legit. It's a huge cottage industry doing this. People do it all the time. Is it? I don't know.

The point is I was already a prick. And he said, you said it yourself, you know, find a grift in the system. Oh, yeah. I did say that. Well, he didn't say, you didn't say like, yeah,

you know what? My pocket either steal from me. It's not like I'm in that business. It's not like I'm selling my fucking autograph anywhere else. So I wrote back. All right, then grift away. And that's all I said.

But then he still took my shit down. So I don't know if I pissed him off or if I was a prick. But people email me all the time saying, can I use a sample of your thing? I'm making an album. Can I sample your bit for this album? Or can I use... Intro to a song or something.

Comic books. I'm doing a comic book and I have a character based on you. Can you mind if I have the character do that bit? No, not at all. Not in the least. But you fucking asked. Yeah. So, yeah, if you're a fucking huge fan and you want to do something,

you want to grift the system, fucking ask. I don't generally say yes to anything. A lot of times I'll say yes, but I don't own that. A lot of my albums are owned by record companies so i'll say yes but they might fucking hunt you down because they own this shit that's as legitimate as a replica autograph yeah i'm saying yes to a levity production uh so yeah if i go ahead fucking go sell that shit i don don't care. Jesus Christ. Ask a guy.

I get cranky in the morning. I tend to drink and then wake up with self-hatred, and then I got to take it out on someone. If you're selling fake autograph shit. If you want, you can check it out. He's on Etsy under the name Stan Dugrope. Who would want to buy that? Like, the guy is so adamant that it's very clear that that's not your autograph.

Who would want, like, a fake autographed thing? Like, you just sign it yourself. Why didn't he just come to Bingo to get a fake autograph? Because she could do your autograph much better than he does. I forge it all the time. Yeah. Checks when he's not around at the merch booth. We're very accurate. To get a fake autograph. Because she could do your autograph much better. I forge it all the time. Than I can. Checks.

When he's not around at the merch booth. We're very accurate. And yeah. Now that would be something to where. That would be a little industry. She could do. She could probably do Sarah Silverman's too. You know your S's right Bingo? Yeah I do know my S's.

Well they. Other people. When they autograph something. Probably you can distinguish more than a couple of letters. Mine is just this fucking scrawl. It's kind of embarrassing. I don't know how to write in cursive anymore. Really?

Like if I had to sign my name, I don't remember. I block print since I was actually in school. Ninth grade, I was block printing. So I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to make most of those letters. I could not sign my own name in cursive using the actual letters. You were trying to get another way

to sign your name a couple of months ago. You were going to change your autograph. I was just going to write Stanhope and block letters going to change your autograph. I was just going to write Stanhope and block letters. Did it take longer? It takes so much longer. It does. But the problem... I fucking hate when people say,

okay, can you make this out to Mike? Hey, suck my dick. No, I can't. Because if I do, everyone in line behind you is going to see me writing this fucking Hallmark birthday card, and then they're going to want it. Oh, do anything yeah what do we you know who's not here it's it's like them handing the phone will you put on lipstick can you call my brother and kiss

they're right around where the uh no no i'm not putting on lipstick the only the real issue is is that there's 80 people standing in line and you want to go have a drink at the shitty bar around the corner and that's that's don't tell them where i drink yeah anytown usa yeah i missed the uh i missed the shitty bar around the corner days too often now it's a fucking you know hotel bar that's trying to close you just walked in how long do you open just five more minutes okay could i get six vodka vodka sodas i've been drinking uh well friday fucking andrew comes over i really gotta get shit done. I need to, like, being at that other place, it's like a vacation paradise because there's no fucking animals.

It's just. We take Ichabod over there a little bit, but he's. Yeah, Ichabod's fine. He's not a pain in the ass. I hear what you're saying. Him alone is not a pain in the ass. But then I came over here on Friday, and Andrew came over, and he was all, yeah. People are starting to come over now because your 30 Days in the Hole is over.

You've noticed that. Oh, yeah. No, it wasn't a problem, him coming over. It was just he was having fucking hard times with a girl. So your buddy's having fucking hard times with a girl. You got to drink. Have a cocktail. Let's just have a cocktail.

Get it out, buddy. And that turned into fucking him just, he banged a half a bottle of Patron. By himself. He started getting, like, maudlin. He says, women, you don't know. He cried at my video.

You're blowing up my phone. He cried at your video. Her new video. Not the one that you guys are voting for. Thank you very much. Thank you. Fucking crushing. We're in. We're crushing in the first place.

Tumbleweed is even getting fucking on the brink of that top five. Thank you for doing that. Yeah. Thank you so much for voting. Bingo knows to never ask again. I do. That's the Wyoming short film contest. Yeah.

To Never Ask Again? I do. That's the Wyoming short film contest. Yeah. It's the O Up Above and Tumbleweed. But she has a new video out. So, yeah. So he cried at that.

I'm not making fun of him. I fucking cried at some dumb shit. You've been there, right? Yes. You looked over and I was crying at some dumb documentary or... No, Home Alone. Home Alone. You're going to get weepy at Home Alone. Are you serious?

We were on the road. It was Christmas and the kids... We were in the UK and stand-up was just desperately missing home. I can cry at any... I cry at Subway Sandwich Shop at fucking... Yeah. ...in the UK. I'm crying all the time.

Those are tears of anger, though. No, Home Alone came on, and when the family finally comes home, Staddle's teared up. Really? I swear to Christ. It was Christmas. The kid's all alone. I'm in the UK.

I want to go home. I'll never forget the fucking saddest, most desperate days. I swear to God this happened. The most desperate days in the UK were at the end of that last tour in, what was that, 12 or 13? It's been a while. I think 12. I think it might have been.

Whatever it was. It had to be 13. No, it was 13. Yeah, because it's been two years. It's been 13. I'm over two. Either way, we still had five days to go of a seven-week tour. And where we stayed, because all the gigs were kind of close to London at that point. So instead of getting a hotel in every different little town, we just got a hotel for the last five days right at Heathrow.

So we're sitting there watching planes. right at Heathrow. So we're sitting there watching planes. Like you could look through the window and see this joy on someone's face as they left that fucking island, but we weren't leaving. So they're just watching planes take off all sad. It was depressing.

Let's not stew on that too much because we're about to head back over. Woo! Woo! And Floyd, then Floyd, the other day, you know, let's get some

shit done tonight. Well, Floyd is going to come over and talk about his ass cancer and can't not drink for that. And so we had so much fun drinking that night. After the last podcast, we just sat around a bunch of us coming up with ideas of things to do for the Floyd's asshole going away party. May 11th is the day that he is scheduled to have his ass removed.

So, yeah, if you haven't heard that podcast, back up and listen to that because we were so terrified right afterwards we got done with that and the the machines reading some kind of data error and chaley just blanched oh shit it's giving me a weird reading it never gave so we had to run down and make sure it was there and we sat here like we were in a maternity ward waiting to hear a word on if the baby's retarded and you tried your best to hold a straight face i couldn't walk back i said i said to uh joey i said if this if we didn't get that because we can repeat the stories but you can't repeat the moments floyd was fucking on fire. I said, if

we don't have that podcast, that's worse than Floyd having ass cancer. It would be losing that podcast. Yeah, I wish I could have pulled it off. I stopped around the corner before I came into view to try and collect

myself. I'm terrified of fucking writing this book because I write and get ready to mock me. I just write in hotmail because I don't know how to use all those things like the Microsoft words or whatever. Are you serious? Yeah, so I just write

in the body of an email and then when I'm done, I email it to myself or if I get a lot written, then I email it to myself or if I get a lot written and I email it to myself because your fucking computers they just decide, oh, we need to update without my permission. Fuck you, I decide. So I'll just

restart and fuck you and then you lose all your shit. So you're emailing yourself letters until you have basically a book together. That have it like basically a book together. Right.

That's how I've always written. That's how I wrote updates. That's how I've written. Some, some authors hunt and peck with two fingers, one on each hand. Yep. So you're taking it to the next level,

right? How far can we spread this inefficiency? We're going deep. It's been a week. I've been supposed to have been fucking hiding out over there, just typing away day and night. We're getting you set up, though, slowly but surely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting there. There's a lot of preliminary things I have to do. It all goes away. Hey, Hotmail's closing. What? We're going out of business. You didn't get the notice? Is it worth me explaining to you

or offering to do something different? That's what I've learned. If I do something I don't know, I'm so used to doing that that it's the thing I know. Yeah, that's fine. So one thing that went wrong on the thing i know yeah that's fine so one thing that went wrong on the thing you taught me and then i'd just be batshit yeah yeah i'd run out and buy a pack of cigarettes and yell at me the whole time yeah it's my fucking fault yeah fucking

cock sucking email like a microsoft word play well we do open office and that's free and it's relatively simple it's a word processor yeah i needOffice and that's free and it's relatively simple. It's a word processor. Yeah, I need a word count. That's what I need. It has a word count and it will automatically save. Maybe we should do that. You should, honey. Look at how I did this. I came in sideways

and it ends up working out. Well, I already have the preliminary shit we wrote fucking years ago that we sold this with. I don't know how many words that is. It'll tell you. So, yeah, we'll do that. Bingo can count.

CC her the Hotmail email. And then she can sit there with a pen. 45, 46. That's what I said to Henneken this morning. He goes, have you been writing? And I went, oh, yeah, I'm pretty much done. Fuck you. I go, it's just counting the words.

It's tough. 342, 343, 344. Hey, what's our lottery numbers? Oh, goddammit. I got to start over. Two. So Floyd's ass cancer party. We'll try to do it on the 9th.

We're assuming Floyd will do this. By then, you never know. Well, regardless of whether Floyd's doing it, we're doing it. We're having a party regardless. We don't need Floyd's asshole to have fun at Floyd's asshole's expense. Yeah. I bet his wife will come. That's my bet, is we're going to plan something big enough that his wife will

come and then he won't do all the shit we had planned because his wife's there. Oh, that would suck. I don't know. I don't know that he'll do the stuff we got planned. There's some things there that a gentleman wouldn't have partaken. Here's one idea is, uh, There's some things there that a gentleman wouldn't have partaken. Here's one idea is give him a tattoo of an asshole right where the tube for the colostomy will go in.

Now, I don't know how we're going to find out. They're putting in like a port or something that it would hook to, I would assume. Right. Yeah. Kind of like an android. We need a doctor. That's what we need. We need like a, or a guy, someone who like lost their license.

Why? To perform it? Well, no, to show us exactly, all right, if you're going to put a shit bag on this dude, where would it be so we can fashion an asshole tattoo? Before they do the- Before they do the surgery. Okay. Kind of like they do, you know, when they make the cut, they do it with Sharpie. Well, we're going to get an asshole tattooed.

I guess we could do it afterwards, but that's just gross. That would be gross. You wouldn't want that after. That's right. First of all, yeah, we couldn't do this two days before surgery because it'd be all scarred up. We didn't think all these ideas through.

We just wrote them down. Chaley wrote, I think, half the night we spent. Write that down, Chaley. I love it when, like, the neighbors are barking at me to write shit down. It's like, well, come on now, really? Okay, idea two. Idea two. Oh, we were all going to wax our asses like they shaved their heads

for kids with cancer? I can get Fabry down to do this. Get everyone, yeah. Like locks of love. Our massage girl. Yeah. I can get them down to do this. Yeah, just everyone wax their ass out of solidarity for Floyd's ass cancer.

I like it. That could be, yeah. That was funny in theory. And then it's itchy for a fucking month. I don't know. I haven't done it. But splatter paint. I don't know if you've seen this.

I've seen this on the internet. People who do ass painting where they get an enema full of paint and then splatter blast it against a canvas out of their ass like do they shoot like horizontally or are they just over it like no they bend up and shoot you fucking shit like a penguin do you ever get like hydrocholine therapy uh no yeah i've had an enema you've had a well you've had the violent diarrhea where you know if you bent up that's going yeah horizontal like a motherfucker. Oh, I could have knocked an apple off your head.

If we could get him to do that, again, Gretchen would be the person to talk to, and a doctor, so you have non-toxic paint. Maybe we should do this a week before, because he doesn't want to go in and have his asshole taken out. Why is it red, white, and blue? It's like a snow cone. Are you a patriot? You really love your country. But if we could get him to splatter paint a canvas

on the last days of his asshole, he could probably eBay that for a fun penny yeah we'll get a guy to put a fake signature of doug stanhope yeah we'll have footage of all this of course floyd ain't shy we'll see we'll see a lot of these ideas are yeah that's the problem he doesn't drink he's he still to me seems fucked up he seems like a drunkard he still seems drunk like so i keep thinking oh you get him drunk enough he'll he'll but he's not drinking so we'll we'll see about that this one's a this is the game show we're gonna do at the party. Whose asshole is it anyway? And you have some kind of three glory hole,

kind of oversized glory hole. Okay. I couldn't remember exactly what the pitch was because there were a bunch of different ideas. You know those things you put your face through? Yeah. Like Coney Island photo op. Yeah, right. Exactly.

Like the muscle guy and the bikini girl, the cartoon, and you stick your face in there. So we'll have muscle guy and a cowboy. And you stick your butthole through the hole. A cop. And then – Yeah. I'm describing the village people.

Well, wait. We have the village people in caricature with their assholes, asses cut out, and three of us, one of them being Floyd, put our asses through. It would be like two butt cheeks. So you actually get the cheeks and the – Yeah. You couldn't just kiss up the pucker right there on the – in a knot. Yeah, I don't know where it goes from there. You just have to – someone guesses who's –

Shawnee can help us out with this. Yeah, we need like beats. You can't ask an asshole questions. Yeah. We'll work on that one because I'm already drinking anyway. with this yeah we need like beats too you can't ask an asshole questions yeah i don't know we'll work on that one because i'm already drinking anyway so tonight's kind of a loss well i mean i mean it could be like senor wences it's all right for the record we did, has not gone out yet. Because we asked people to send in their ideas. And I know everyone's going to say fucking Roman Candle.

That was the first thing we thought. Shove a Roman Candle up his ass. But Jason, Justin, said that why did he have to get an ass mold? He had some suicide girl, artsy, tattoo-y girl. It had to be a hot girl goes, you know, maybe you'd be good for this. She had like a collection of people's asshole molds. So he had to wax his ass and then be cast into a like a rubber mold of his ass and asshole so he said oh well you could do that with floyd and you just before we hit record said if we did

that we wouldn't have to do the roman candle because that's dangerous uh but we could have an ass mold that we just keep out here. A monument in the yard. Yeah, a monument. And you could fire Roman candles off of his ass mold. Yeah. Right. Fourth of July. Put a bottle opener in there.

Oh. Put that down by the nuts. We could put that on the outside of the door where the bottle opener is. Yeah. And have the ass mold with the bottle opener inside it. Perfect. And then just jam it up Floyd's ass. And open your beer.

I love it. That's a great idea. Well, see, now we're talking a different kind of revenue stream here. Because now we're talking about something that my brother could get a mold done. Did you just say revenue stream in the middle of this? Have you been hanging out with Hennigan all the time? Always. stream in the middle of this?

Have you been hanging out with Hennigan all the time? Always. My brother could take the mold and then create a positive and then have his sculptors fashion a bit of a hook on there to where you could have a bottle opener. You've got to have a little bit of a lip on there. We want something that's

well, it would have to be really weather friendly. We'll just put it inside because that's direct sunlight right there. Arizona sun would tear Floyd's fake ass up. Not if we did it in metal. We can do it in metal? We got guys who can pour metal. Fuck.

This town doesn't have someone who's got a crucible or some kind of a foundry? Jason that did the palm trees. There you go. All right. All right. All right. We're on top of things. Everything but writing a book. We're figuring it out.

Cut it down. If you're a friend of mine and I haven't got back to you in a long time, I'm not much for chatting on the phone, but get ready for some late night phone calls. Because as I stare at that, I will be looking for every other fucking thing in the world to do. Yeah, I don't really know how to segue this part. I haven't talked to Billy Bad in years.

Oh, you have to go? We've only been on the phone. I'll out-a-tell-a-tell. Rogan and a-tell. Rogan's not as bad, but Atel, you answer that phone. Be prepared to be there for at least 90 minutes and then have him be grumpy when you go, I gotta go.

All right. So, yeah. I'll be doing that. So, yeah. Send us any So yeah I'll be doing that So yeah send us Like any Floyd's ass ideas We have till beginning of May What's the email? Oh Twitter

Yeah at Doug Stanhope on Twitter I figured out Brian figured out It's a quandary On Facebook There's a way that you can disable your uh emails which would be perfect because every now and then i log in and it's just i god knows how many it doesn't have a total but there's always just fucking tons more emails that i don't notifications unless i'm completely fucking bored on a remote

island or trying to write a book that's what i'm afraid of but i guess if you disable them then you you lose all the ones you had oh so you do i yeah like i occasionally if i'm bored i'll go in and just see if any of the names are like an old girlfriend. Fucking Susan Johnson, who we grew up with. She emailed me. It was a long time ago. Was it back in Massachusetts? A dream podcast would be getting John Johnson on the podcast. John Johnson and Susan Johnson grew up up the street.

And we were the kids that got picked on, but John Johnson was the kid that, all right, now I'm going to pay it forward. I'm going to pay all that abuse forward. He says, yeah, we'd make him like, oh, if you go up to 65 Ridge Street, you ring the doorbell and you sing twinkle twinkle little star they give you a bag of candy like just horrible little kids but that kind of horrible uh just all sorts of torturous shit we're just really mean to him i'd love to have him on the podcast and apologize she emailed me randomly what'd you say and they were uh i just hey it it's Susan Johnson. I can't believe I saw your name. And I haven't seen her since I was fucking 12 years old. So she wasn't mad. No, no, she should have been.

Brother and sister, right? We were horrible fucking kids. Like, we were like, pull your dick out and fucking chase Susan Johnson kids while we were 10 years old. Well, that's what you're dealing with with your book right now. All these stories when you were a kid and with Mother. Yeah, I don't think Mother was around for much of that.

Part of the problem. Mother was drunk on the couch a lot back in the early days. Ah, the connection. Actually, I think we were seven when she first sobered up. I was six or seven. But still, we were fucking monsters. Just horrible kids. The things I remember you talking about when we were back there that one time in your hometown was advanced stuff.

Whereas when we were kids, you'd fight or you'd hit someone or you'd do something to fuck with them. But you're telling kids stories to go have them ring a doorbell. That was, yeah, really odd. But we would set roadblocks down on Tividon Parkway. That's what I mean. Construction hats and vests. No, no, we'd set shit on fire. We'd go down there at night

and just set up this big roadblock and set it all on fire and just wait for cars to fucking shit that if you did it today you would you'd be a school shooter kind of label yeah you'd be like locked up we'll get into a lot of that in the book uh but uh yeah i i don't know about if the thing is, if anyone who emails me on Facebook doesn't listen to the fucking podcast. So fuck you. I say it often enough. Maybe I should write a bit.

I don't know. Let's take a break and pour some drinks. Figure out where the fuck we're going. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope. Did you know that intervention is back on the air on A&E? You know, Intervention, that fucking show that I love so much, and we'd sit around on the road. We'd have Sunday night off.

I think it used to be on Monday. I'm not sure. But either way, we'd sit on the road. If I was at home, we'd sit and watch Intervention. I'd drink wine, which is what I drink when I'm not drinking that night. And I'd take a Xanax and watch Intervention and watch people spiral out of control. And then they canceled the fucking show in 2013. And my heart wept. And I still milk the reference because everyone knows the reference.

They don't know it's canceled. Well, I knew it was canceled. And now it's back on the air. Did you tell me it was back on the air no you motherfuckers i found out randomly that intervention is back so i caught up on a few of the ones that they've aired and uh i drank uh wine and i took his annex and i had a fucking fantastic time did i get around to my book no i had to take that night off it's a special it's like 9 11 did you go to work that day fuck you so yeah that's my uh commercial intervention is back on the air

here's a tweet here's a tweet i thought would haunt me but i was still sober at that point i go but it's funny the way i say it i go the crackhead's daughter is marrying a negro and they're doing an intervention on the crackhead get your priorities in order a and e and a couple people went what i want to take you to task on this and then i thought maybe i'd have to have a big public press conference and issue an apology but nobody gives a fuck what I say. Hopefully because you have a sense of humor and you know that it's pretty fucking funny. But yeah, intervention is back on the air and they're not intervening on interracial marriages. That was a joke.

And I'm really sorry that nobody cares that I wrote it. All right, back to the podcast already in progress. Okay, and we're back. I had to take a minute and go, can I even say that? Can I get sued for saying that? John Johnson, it's not like you can fucking Google him. There's probably three in the town you grew up in. Minimum.

John Johnson. It sounds fake anyway. Let's just say it's a pseudonym. That was a fake name. Yeah, of course it's a fake name. Who'd be named John Johnson? So what happened? What happened? He would... We made him blow us once behind the garage

not with like a gun to his head you just you could talk him into anything but we didn't know what a blow job was so he was literally blowing on our dicks yeah was he retarded i don't know that's why why I think it'd be hilarious to ever find him and track him down. I'm getting that, too. But I found him through Susan Johnson's Facebook that day, a long time ago. And there was John Johnson, and he's a fucking old man. And it's so weird. It was just a couple years younger than us, probably.

But he's Massachusetts aged. People don't age well you went back there yeah they're fucking yeah a 45 year old is a is a 65 year old grapes of wrath type sorrow yeah gray dour hideous and i i'd love to apologize to him or see if maybe he's still giving out blowjobs or anything i didn't fucking hit the kid. You just sexually assaulted him. It was, yeah, he was definitely,

he was definitely, he turned, he was gay. I don't know. Oh, whoa. Well, that's what we heard after, you know, when you'd go back. Aww. Maybe he is still by the garage. Yeah. He's still hanging out behind the garage.

Mayo Salmon is another kid that was. He showed up. Yeah, Mayo. We hung out with Mayo. We played kickball in his yard. Yeah. Yeah. Came to the show when we played Worcester, when we played Ralph's.

Ralph's. Brendan Walsh was with us. Yeah. We went over to where I used to live, and we played kickball in my yard. We don't know who lived there. They weren't home, so we just went ahead and played kickball in the yard. Someone said they thought they saw someone look through the window. That creep.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. So you were there. I was there, and you guys went up and checked the door. Like if somehow you have some right, because you grew up there. I grew up there. That you should be able to come in and see if they changed the door. Like if somehow you have some right because you grew up there. I grew up there. That you should be able to come in and see if they changed the wallpaper.

But yeah, it was cool hanging out with Mayo. But we played a couple of bats worth of kickball. Yeah, and then hung out and had beers. That was a different time because you were Walsh during that. Mayo Salmon moved in right across the street and he was a black kid, half black. His mother was white and his dad was black.

And he says that we sat in the hedges, like crouched down, like looking through the bushes when he's moving in, going, nigger, nigger. I don't remember that, but he does. Yeah. Yeah, he kicked my ass a few times. Good for him. Yeah, I just had nothing to do with that. Just over shit. Yeah, kid kicked my ass a few times. Good for him. Yeah, I had nothing to do with that. Just over shit. Yeah, kid stuff.

Yeah. But it was fun to see him. Yeah, a podcast with Mayo Salmon and John Johnson. Jesus, the apologies. I don't remember any of that. I took Brendan Walsh on that tour of my Worcester. Yeah. And we just, okay, this is the Cumberland Farms

where I put the dead pigeon in the ice cream freezer and down a few hundred yards more. This is the dumpster we set on fire one night. This is my old girlfriend's house where I wrote, I still love you christine the entire side of a street like the entire driving lane of a street i still love you christine after she dumped me and then we chucked the can of paint into her neighbor's pool nice like like like it would take a lot of detective work to go from the giant paint in the fucking street to what is this can of the same

colored paint in my pool. What a fucking asshole. We got hot dogs somewhere. Hot dog Annie's. Yeah, we didn't do anything to them. Yeah. No, you know, should we eat? My friend. I did. My friend.

Did we talk about that on the podcast took a shit and friendlies and then picked it up with paper towels and smeared it across the mirror what a fucking awful just a really horrible demented kid so yeah those are all the memories but then you came in and said look what someone did in there that was the best of course it was like it was like it wasn't that you just left that for strangers you needed to make it look like someone had done that and you were aghast and you had to have everyone else go in to smell your shit hanging off a mirror it's fucking beautiful they weren't all clever pranks that's a good one that and the that's the dead animal and and the dead animal in the freezer you mentioned. The squirrel?

That's good, too. That's just fucking. Yeah, it was a whole tour of just one memory after another. And Brendan Walsh was going, Jesus Christ. I'll get out here. What the fuck? Yeah, I hang around with my brothers sometimes. And we'll have cocktails and talk about

horrible shit we did as kids because we still uh we still generally think of ourselves in a victim way because we were picked on most of the time and we were outcasts and we we lived that up but looking back paxton the three years i lived in paxton massachusetts with all the fucking rich kids and they were you know they're all wearing levi's when we're still wearing tough skins and everyone they played soccer and went skiing and we were just bags of shit that sat around we lived right in the town square and we had a bb gun it wasn't so bad oh yeah but i'm saying we just shoot at cars and stuff we we shot one lady's window out accidentally so we were just sitting there taking pot shots i think it was was it the paxton inn or the rustic inn or something it was a high class restaurant right across the street and

we just sit there and shoot at their sign with our bb gun no supervision and then my brother had like seven pumps on it and we're like we better go inside before our parents get home and he just like just held it out and shot and the woman driving by her driver's side window just collapsed in this waterfall of shards of glass and we might as well, we killed a person as far as we know. The fucking break lights go on. We go scrambling and I still remember we were watching one day at a time,

visibly trembling. We ditched the BB gun and then just sat there on the couch saying, no, all we've been doing is watching one day at a time, trying to get our story straight. I can't get our voices to stop quivering. Our hands are Parkinson's shaking. How old were you at this point?

Probably 12. Okay. That's young to do hard time for a shit not a window. No older than 12, probably, yeah. We moved there when I was 9 or 10.

So, yeah, probably 11 and and then there's she's just stopped and we're you know afraid to look out the window we're trying to peripherally look it's evening this is right in front of your house yeah oh man yeah we're just yeah so you could yeah where did you ditch the gun? In the closet where it belongs. That's not ditching it. It's in your possession. We own the fucking thing. If our parents come home and the thing's buried in the backyard. So we just put it where it belongs and just sat there.

He smells the end of it. It still smells like BBs. I rode my bike around the town square naked except for a bathrobe around the same age. There's a town, like there's a square. Like a center of town where there's a fountain in the middle, a gazebo or something. Right. And so it's maybe 100 yards, but in kind of a triangle. And so I rode my bicycle around naked i'm assuming on a dare or

just hey look at me to my brother watch what i'll do and the cops came to the door and we have no you know parents there so so they said you tell your parents when they get home because we're gonna tell them so we had to fucking tell our parents. I can't remember if the cops actually came back or if we just ratted on ourselves because they told us we had to. You were scared. Yeah, they got a report of a flasher. They assumed it's an adult. No, it's a fucking 11-year kid right riding his fucking so what would have

happened beans and weenie afloat on his chopper i had a chopper it was a good bike but anyway you don't remember black i believe you don't remember what happened but say the cops did come back and your parents or a parent was there. What would have happened? Because I'm trying to gauge at what level of parenting your mother or your father were at. Well, that was my stepfather. That's why we had to live in Paxton because she married this fucking jerk off for three years. And yeah, he was just a cock.

So you don't want him finding... The cops don't want to... If the cops come back and talk to him, it's fucking game over for you and your brother. Right. What would happen if your mother answered the door and the cops were like, hey, we had a report of some mischief going on. Some shit she was okay with, but not that.

Especially once cops are involved, you're a fucking asshole. All right, I don't need this shit. She already had a million problems in her own head, even if they weren't real problems. So, yeah, she was really fucking cranky. Towards you. Yeah, if you've fucked off like that. I mean, there's other stuff. If it was hilarious

she'd always say you know some things are funny to do because she was into the same shit we were yeah she'd bring us to r-rated movies and stuff and you know that was our sense of humor but she you know there's some things that are funny to do and some things that are funny to say like you talk about doing it but you can't really do stuff like this in life which on some level was correct and on other no no sometimes you gotta do it sometimes it's funny only funny if you actually do it maybe riding your bike around but butt naked but when you're 12 terry cloth bathrobe blowing behind you. When you're 20. Funny to me. You don't even sit shit. That's funny.

No, no, that was the whole point. He's standing on the banana seat. Letting it flap behind him. Yeah, that was the whole point. Check it out, Paxton. Actually, now that looking back, that whole fucking bit I did about MySpace pedophiles, you probably couldn't, if you wanted to get your kid molested. You couldn't. Dangling Smarties on a fishing wire, making your kid...

I did do that. Yeah, I rode around the fucking town square naked with a terrycloth bathrobe blowing behind me. Still couldn't get fingered by a molester. Jesus. They were awful kids. I can't wait to dig up...

I gotta call Kerry Hanley and try to dig up some more memories of fucking horrible stuff. And none of it was my parents' fault. You can't just, oh, it's bad parenting. No, they tried their fucking best. They're just rotten kids. It sounds like, well, I'm not pandering to you here. It sounds like it's good parenting that your mom knew when and where. No, it wasn't good parenting.

No, I mean, she didn't stifle your sense of adventure and creativity. Creativity, yeah. Yeah. I think that's fucking awesome. That's kind of the point of the book. Well. Yes, a triumph of child neglect. It's a subtitle.

And your dad was just there eating. No, my dad of child neglect. It's a subtitle. And your dad was just there eating them. No, my dad at that time. My dad never did anything, even when we lived with my dad. He was just eating some butter. Yeah, he'd eat butter right off the stick. He ate blueberries. He loved it when the blueberry bushes came in. He'd make blueberry pancakes.

Meanwhile, you're boiling George the cat's bones and bleaching them to try to fucking recreate George. Oh, no. Are you going to put them back together? Yeah, we did. It was just Carrie Hanley's sister. Oh, no, you get the fucking skull all nice after you had to boil what was left. He had been buried for at least a year. I'm sure.

In the blueberry bushes. And then we get the skull all nice. And Carrie Hanley's sister, Marianne Hanley, had a punk band called The Mumbling Skulls, so we gave it to her. I want it back. What do you mean you got the skull all nice? Well, you had to boil it

until all the fucking junk comes off it and then you let it soak in bleach. See, you denuded it. I'm telling you, I had every fucking, when they talk about serial killers, I had every earmark of a serial killer as a kid. let it soak in bleach. See, you didn't know. Every fucking, every, when they talk about serial killers, I had every earmark of a serial killer as a kid. And this is before the internet.

So before profiling was a word, you're bleaching, you're bleaching bones and, uh, and, and pulling skin off of a dead cat before you could actually go to a reference for it online. Yeah.

It was creative. Yeah. I wasn't fucking sick or anything. It's not like I killed George. I was sad when George died. That's a good cat, that George. You know, you fucking sit around bored. That's why I'm terrified, especially in a town like this.

You're terrified of fucking young people because there's nothing for him to do i was that kid nothing to do didn't have uh we didn't have big wheels we had shitty toys so so yeah you're sitting around hey you think we could find george we had a makeshift cross still sitting out there in the blueberry bushes we knew where to dig yeah well we found george and then we were like archaeologists, for Christ's sake. If I did that with a fucking dinosaur, I'm getting a prize. You'd be a hero. Yeah, you'd be on Yahoo News. Right.

Kid finds a tractor reptilus. I don't know what the fuck. Yeah. Well, I found George. I found George. A thousand years from now, someone would have found George and got a lot of accolades. I did it early. And I get the weird stamp.

Yeah, this is going to be a fun process, this whole book thing. It's all those middle parts where you go, oh, I don't know. I don't know how one connects to the other. That's why you call Carrie Handley. Yeah. There's going to be a lot of people getting phone calls. So yeah, if you're some old weird friend,

get a story, email me off my website. That's why I'm terrified that all this shit's going into Facebook. I don't want to have to go through a 10 000 facebook messages to see who i know because that's what everyone uses yeah and they can't message you unless you both on twitter unless you're both following or something like that on twitter twitter oh they can't direct message you but they can tweet at you and go hey remember me and then you can contact them yeah or you can just email me at Doug at DougStanhope.com,

which actually goes to Doug Stanhope at Hotmail, which is what I've used since I've had email. Hotmail. If it works, don't fix it. Is that how it goes? If it ain't broke. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Hotmail. Is that an ad? Is that how it goes? If it ain't broke. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Hotmail.

Is that an ad? Is that a sponsor? That might be a sponsor. Or just call me on my rotary phone at Blankenship453. What's the Atlanta area code? 404? Yeah. Not 407? is there a 407 407 is motherfucker

god damn it is that canadian i think that might be canadian all right 407 is it it's atlanta no it's 404 is atlanta you might have stumped me on an area code am i getting that old i know all the area codes if they have a one or a zero in the middle now they have all the new ones with the you know nine three fives and all right i don't know but from telemarketing days i knew it go go ahead fucking quiz me no 407 is orlando bam 904 would be north of Tampa. 813 is Tampa, St. Pete. 305 is Miami. What did I get? 407?

Did you get it? It's coming up. It's coming up. Coming. Fucking A. Yes. Orlando, Cocoa Beach, St. Cloud, Central East, and Florida. He's got it.

Overlays with... I'm going to have a whole chapter of my book devoted to area codes. At this rate. 70,000 words. How many numbers, though? Does the area code count as a word, or is it each separate number in the area code that counts as a word i wondered if they were going to count chapter one as two words i really want i really want to i i would be motivating i don't know what's more motivating if i were to read

a comics book that really sucks shit or one that's really good, a really sucks shit would make me want to go, fuck this. I could do that. I could do better than that. Yeah, I think it would make me get to it quicker. But a really good one, I think, would. Oh, John Glar, however you say it, G-N-A. John Glar. Yes, he just put out a book.

Yeah. You did a podcast with him. No, I did. I was frosty as kid. Frosty. His dad, John Nara, is the one that was the mayor of Reykjavik, the comedian that ran a joke campaign in Iceland to be mayor. Brilliant.

And won. And went, oh, fuck, now I'm the mayor. Absolutely brilliant. He's wicked brilliant. And those three, he sent me the book and I was like oh fuck I hope this is his

he did a series I don't want to say sitcoms more like Louis show but with a story that went somewhere it was night shift day shift and then prison shift

but in Icelandic fucking brilliant you have to read it but it's worth it it's so good meaning it's subtitled read it you have to read this show to really get no you have to yeah you do have to sit through subtitles which bingo is not a fan but i i did for this it was so good such a great and goes, I don't even know where to get it. And I had all three of them, and I fucking loaned them out to someone. Just like Windy City Heat. I loaned it out to someone in town. And then when I call around going, did I loan you?

Nope. Nope. Nope. So it's out there somewhere. So I got to quit watching tv when i'm not writing and read but i don't want to be influenced i don't know it's gonna be a fun process and i have no friends that wrote a book that would ever take my call in my mind what i'm talking about comics. Oh, okay. Every fucking... Am I the last comic to write a book? Some comics have written several.

I know. I know. Why don't you call Todd? I don't know what to say to... What's he going to tell me? Well, what do you want to know? Write a book? You put pen to paper, and you put it down there, and then email it to yourself.

I know. I just got to... Or you put finger to hotmail. Finger fucking with it and reading what I already wrote or reading old shit I wrote about other stuff just to try to. I really, I have to immerse myself. I have to do the same thing I did with the fucking trailer. Lock up in there.

I'm in the office has a fucking pull out couch. I don't even have to actually leave the room unless I have to eat or take a shit. Oh, and by the way, I had to call Bingo in to look at my shit because I've been hitting that fucking caviar. Like, I get a better deal on the 3.52 ounce. It's out of control. It's as blue as her hair.

It is. But then when I wipe my ass, it's as green as a crayon. But it tints the bowl like sandy flush blue. It was the color, absolutely the color of my hair when I looked at it. He called me in, and I had to see it. Well, I don't know why you leave Tracy and I out of this. It can't be good for you.

Why do you leave us out of these? Because we're over at the other house. I came over to bring you your charger. I was going to take a picture and tweet it, but what I decided to do was double down on the lump fish caviar and take a lot of psyllium husk to try it. Because there was no form. Fish oils.

There was no form to this one. This was just splatter shot, which I think enhances the color. Loosey-goosey, if you will. Because today when I had the hard regular stool, it didn't color up the bowl as much. But you want some presentation. So if I'm going to tweet a picture. So are you looking for like the snake that's coiling around to eat itself?

But I also need the same striking blue. I think I have to eat more of the caviar. Hold on, guys. Let's think about this. We're talking about an artist and a canvas. You want a shotgun blast against that white porcelain, and that's

where you're going to get your color. If you get something that's the snake eating its tail, it might look impressive, but you're not getting the color. Then we have to do loosey-goosey pills. Yeah. The actual, what do you call them? Psyllium husk. No, no.

Mucil. No, no. Just X-lax-y shit. What do you call it? It's an easy word. Ex-laxy? Hey, I'm a- Laxative?

Laxative, thank you. I'm a fucking author. I can't come up with a laxative. I grew up. It was good. Mom was weird. You know, I've had a couple of requests on Twitter, if I can have a moment here,

to let everyone know that the Al Jorgensen ministry book is called Ministry, The Lost Gospels According to Al Jorgensen. And I'll put a link. I don't remember that. The Lost Gospels? That's not on the book I read. But that's... That's the cover. That's... That's the cover.

That's a picture of the cover. Oh, yeah. I have a different cover, but it's... Yeah, maybe it is. That's the same one. It's called Ministry. We do get credit if you click through anything that we have on the website and it goes to Amazon to buy it.

That's kind of... I don't like that. Why? Well, what if someone I didn't like linked some of my shit and then they're getting a fucking nickel every time someone buys my shit? I'm like, I don't want that guy getting a nickel. I'd rather not sell that product than to have that cunt get a nickel. They don't get it from you. Amazon doesn't say, hey, Doug, you owe us $5 this week. I have to stop myself from saying names when I think of that,

because immediately I picture a certain guy. I don't want that guy, but I can't say his name. It doesn't matter. Point is, yeah, I don't want that fucking guy getting a nickel. Let's hurry up and wrap this up so I can talk about who I think that might be. You know who it is. Put a little cherry on top. Did you know who I was talking about?

It was him or one other guy. But yeah, that was the first person I thought of. So anyway, yeah, people are tweeting like, hey, what was the book? I think if you just Google Al Jorgensen ministry book, there's only one. Yeah. It's fucking just outstanding. Hey's that's the one i read what what what do you got honey can we talk about my car yes your car yeah it's uh yeah this will go up when your uh car is being taken away from you and sold at auction we needed it we need to

sell it but i it's my car it's a a great car. What did you drink in 30 minutes? You're already slurring. Sorry. I'll stop. I've got almost two Negronis, and I'm like nowhere near. No, no, no. Get back on the mic. Okay, I'm back on the mic.

She's talking now. This is good. We're like 40 minutes in. You went from completely sober to... Where's my car? Where's my car? Where's my car? We're keeping it.

So, yeah, the caddies, by the time you are hearing this, We're keeping it. So yeah, the Caddy's, by the time you are hearing this, the Caddy will be up for auction unless you're really fucking late. And if it's after April 26, 2015, that car is gone. Too late. See you, sucker. See you, sucker. Bingo's 1970 red Cadillac DeVille convertible that we bought on a large. Blacktop is going up for sale.

We're putting it on eBay. I got it off eBay a year ago. Yeah. And then Bingo drove it around and had several photo shoots with Gretchen Bear and all of her crazy outfits. And she'd drive home and then change into another crazy outfit and go do another photo shoot. Do you remember when you got that car? I think Bingo thinks she's a model sometimes.

Hi, I'm Amy Bingo Bingo Man. I'm a calendar girl. See my Cadillac spread on Gretchen Bear's website. We only have three months together right now. I remember when Father Luke first built her a website. This is back when she was really crazy and bald.

I know. And he made a website. He got amybingerman.com, and he came back. We came home, and he showed it to her, and she shivered like this and brought her arms together. I went, I'm on TV. I'm on TV. Because I had a website. Come on. I had a went, I'm on TV! I'm on TV! Because I had a website.

Come on, I had a website. I was on TV. You can probably find that in the Wayback Machine. It's probably still out there. I was going to ask you, of course you remember this. Remember when we were finishing up the tour and you had found the car and then you bought the car and then bingo like stayed up all night we still had another we had to spend the night in the hotel and we were gonna drive through oh yeah

we're in new mexico and we're gonna take two days to get home and bingo was like that night before we went to sleep it's like i think we could probably just go right through like like just keep going like drive for like 26 hours i wanted to see this car and that night i could just that the whole night bingo was up all night and i could just picture her like standing like over us as we're sleeping with our arms crossed like looking at us like wake up wake up she just and then as soon as we got up in the morning which was one of the earliest days we ever got up rolling yeah Yeah. And she was waving the flag of like, we could just probably just keep going. We don't need to stop here. The car is so great.

We don't need lunch. And Derek had already picked it up. So she gets immediately home. I want to drive it right now. We don't have it insured. There's no fucking plates on it. She's already driving it. And it's a fucking huge car.

It's a boat. Bingo. I'm not saying you can't drive i just i'd prefer like when i leave town i know that you drive but i i i drink away those fears and i've been in the car with you when like oh stop it When I was on anesthetic from that hernia operation, she had to drive me back from Tucson. But I left while the anesthesia was still thick. And I got you home, asshole. You got me home and I didn't care. I wasn't worried.

But that was heavy narcotics. That was sedated. You had to sedate me like a zoo animal. To get me to drive you anywhere. Drive for two hours. My God. I mean, she can't stay awake when we drive to the airport after sleeping 18 hours. Not true.

When Bingo's sleepy, Bingo, she'll get manic occasionally. But other times, she can sleep for 20 hours. Without stirring. Yeah. She'll get up and eat all. She lays there like a mummy in a crypt totally without moving for hours and then she'll get up and go pee or whatever or grab some food yeah she'll wake up down she'll wake up to eat whatever you just bought for yourself at safeway

when you said saving do you want anything from Safeway? No, I'm good. And then you come home with what you got, and she wakes up in a coma, eats half of it, spills most of it all over the counter or the floor, and then goes right back to bed. You can see it's the Goldilocks trail of, Okay, I can figure out this mystery right away. This is ridiculous.

Hey, what happened to all that trail mix? That was six pounds of trail mix. So wake up and we'll get in the car just to drive to the airport. Hour and 45 minutes. Within 15 minutes, she's fucking dead snoring the whole way there. And then you go, she's driving while I'm away. But we got home safe and sound. So, yeah.

So we're selling the Cadillac now because I don't like it. Honestly. I love it. I happen to love it, but I understand. Since it's your car, that's why I don't like it even more. I mean, I love it. I love it to look at. I love it, too.

Being in the backseat of that. When you drove and we sat in the back. The backseat is the best. Yeah. It was wicked. The backseat is the best. Backseat is. It's cool to drive in a town like that. I would never want to drive that in a city.

I'm fucking terrified. No, you wouldn't drive that to LA from here or something. No. In a pinch. No, no, no. Even to Tucson, it would be like, nah. Well, it'd be. Well. Tucson, it would be like, nah. Well, it'd be until you had to fucking park.

I'm so spoiled living in a town like this. I just park anywhere. You don't have to parallel park. The streets are dirt and you just take up a piece of fucking desert in front of your house.

But the one time we had to get the fucking steering column fixed we live in the fucking middle of nowhere not a lot of parts for a 1970 cadillac sitting around the fucking town of 5 000 people two hours away from a city so yeah we're getting rid of it and i'm gonna get something that I don't have to worry about bingo owning. She wants a convertible. I think you should get a Geo Metro convertible. Oh, I hate Geo Metros, though. But you could leave the top down. Give me an old-time bug.

That dune buggy from the place in Sierra Vista. Give me an old-time. That's a convertible. Leave that out in the rain. That's a permanent convertible. Hey, no. As soon as we bought this, monsoon season comes in. If I'm on the road, all I'm thinking is, there's no way Bingo remembered to put the top up.

There's no way. That thing's getting fucking rained out. I want a piece of shit convertible that... You can keep the top down and not worry about it. Not worry about getting it fixed. I just saw one in town. There's one over by... It's a Chrysler LeBaron. It's ugly, guys. Come on.

Not after we paint it. But you're in the inside. You can't see the outside. We'll get Gretchen to paint it. Paint your town. Fucking Chrysler. No, come on. We stopped and we pulled over at that one. They don't want it. It's ugly.

But it's also a piece of shit. So if it gets destroyed, who gives a fuck? This car's an awesome car. I know. The Caddy's a fucking, that's a classic 1970 car. It's a gorgeous fucking car. That's the problem. You don't want to fuck it up.

That's exactly the problem. I know. You have to fucking do upkeep. And I'm not an upkeep guy i know so so yes that's good that's on ebay now if you'd like to bid on that i should throw in some fucking bonus like uh if you buy that you can come uh someone can stay the night at the shady dell and we'll have a barbecue how about that all right yeah now i threw that out now i'm stuck to that aren't i We'll have a barbecue. How about that? All right.

Yeah. Now I threw that out. Now I'm stuck to that, aren't I? I don't know. We'll do something nice. Let's see. How's this work out? If they come out and pick it up on the weekend of Floyd's. Oh, yeah.

Come to the party. Come pick it up at the party. Goodbye, anus, my old friend. We're going to come up with song parodies because we have enough musicians. We can just play ass song parodies. Easiest thing in the world to write. And a great excuse to not write my book. Perfect.

Oh, I'm writing asshole song parodies. Goodbye, asshole. It's hard to die. Write it down, Chaley. Yeah. Yeah, we want to. I want to. I want to get a pickled poop.

I want Floyd's last poop in a jar of formaldehyde jar of Floyd's last bowel movement. What will you do with it? Put it up here on the shelf. We weren't talking about that. All right. All right. Greg's getting squirrely. No, no.

We were telling our friend in L.A. about what an easy mark you are for vomiting and that hangover you had after that cooking competition, you and gay cousin Eric. You were tripping balls. I had gone to bed, and you and Eric stayed up drinking and tripping and then drove to safeway somehow that was me no first of all this was the night that gay cousin eric was on the hill and the border patrol oh yeah we told him if you hike up that trail on that hill behind us at the top, you can see Mexico, which you can. And so gay cousin Eric at dawn decided to walk up just before dawn, still dark, and he got right at the crest of the hill

and a fucking Border Patrol helicopter came right up over the hill with a spotlight right in his tripping face, thinking he was an illegal. Can you imagine? Going the wrong way. Jesus Christ. Spotlight right in his tripping face, thinking he was an illegal. Can you imagine? Going the wrong way. Jesus Christ. That's something that only happens when you're tripping. No, I know that, but Jesus Christ. So I was long since in bed, and gay cousin Eric, who's a chef,

and Chaley decided to go to Safeway to buy some supplies for a cooking competition. And then there's a guy with a will work for food out there at Safeway. He's just a cowboy who just got done like a guy that is hired to wrangle cows and stuff. He's in front of Safeway. Yeah, he's just hanging out there because he just got dropped off from the workers that all came back into town. So he needs a ride or whatever he needed. You talked to him. Well, you said, we decided

we needed a judge for this competition. So Shaley and Gay Cousin Eric brought him home. They're cooking up food. I wake up, I stumble out, and they introduce me to this guy who's some train hobo sitting there confused. And I didn't get involved.

They threw a tomato at the wall. I think she remembers. No, they threw a tomato at the wall. I also put cat food in my eggs. So it was that. You fed a fucking hobo cat food? No, no. We cheated it.

But when we were videotaping the whole thing. Filming it. All I know is you were glazed over. I was fucking so. And later on, you woke up. We're watching TV. We're watching Discovery Health. And that was back when they had all the shows that were titled by the malady.

It was like face-eating tumor. And this was a 1,100-pound man. Yeah. And you walked out, and you're squirrely anyway, and you were so hungover that you walked out. And we know how you get watching those kind of shows. And this guy is spilling off. He's dead now.

He's Mexican. I remember his name because someone had him in the death pool. I had another fat guy, and someone had this guy. What was his name? I forget. He's dead. I think Joby won with that pick. But they were cleaning under his folds.

Oh, Chaley's gulping right now. They had one person holding up the meat curtain and then someone else reaching in with a towel. And Shaylee was running off into the toilet. And like loud vomited, cartoon vomited. How can you watch that though? That is – that's fucking disgusting. I can't watch it. Why would there be a camera trained on that?

I don't understand. Why else would you watch it? that. I don't understand. Why else would you watch it? Well, that's something that should belong in like a freak show or carnival sideshow. And yet they put it on TV. Why?

To what advantage? For all of us to laugh our asses off when you woke up. You fucking puking. Yeah, it's pretty bad. After throwing tomatoes at the wall and cooking up cake and... We were a lot more destructive

before we put a lot of fucking effort into making this place nice. Before we put equipment in front of the faces. Yeah, there wasn't even a paint job on this house back then. They still had that... That was a long time ago, wasn't it? We still had that $1,500 RV.

Yeah, it's parked in the yard. Oh, yeah, parked in the weeds back when this was just weeds. I found the Google Maps picture of your yard from back then. The RV was in there. With the RV. Yeah. And without the corrugated tin. It was 2008.

You can go back. As Google Maps updates their pictures, you can go back to previous pictures. So you can see. I can see when the Suicide House was two-tone green instead of what it is now. Yeah, this place was that drab, whatever, some kind of greenish tint, but that sun-worn. And this was all weeds. And I bought that trailer because we had a bunch of people coming down. I mean, RV.

I just parked that RV. The only time it ever got driven was from where I bought it over by the stop sign. The four-way stop on the way to Safeway was over there. I bought it from Sandy Fowler. Drove it over here. We painted chump storage in the windshield for the people who had

to stay in there for New Year's Eve. Because we didn't have enough room for all these people. Fucking Norm Wilkerson slept in the crawl space. Oh, there's more. No, there's more stories. It's all the stories you're going to get. Okay. Unless you buy the book.

Oh, yeah. Inman. Didn't Inman stay there? i think we made inman stay there the last time he came in jump storage i think no not in jump storage in the crawl space oh no we did have him sam we had him in there for a while yeah when he was it's unfinished it's an unfinished crawl no it's it's a dirt floor with rats and cats. Yeah. No rats. Rats and cats. Rats and cats. Stop by anytime.

Hey, if you buy that catalog, you can stay in my crawl space. That was Hinty. They'd sit around and come up with who could come up with the best bar name. And Hinty's, which I still love. It makes you want to open a bar. Oh, I love this, too. It's Gacy's Crawl Space. Crawl Space. It makes you want to open a bar. Oh, I love this, too. It's Gacy's Crawl Space. What a fucking great name for a bar, especially if you're in Chicago.

That is great. Gacy's Crawl Space. All right. So, yeah, I've hashtagged it. Not hashtagged it, but on eBay. It's 70 Cadillac DeVille, and I put Bingo Stanhope in it so you can find it. It's a gorgeous car. Cadillac and Bingo.

There'll be a link on the website, DougStanhope.com podcast. Yeah. And I'll be fucking happy, and I'll buy that piece of shit. We'll buy that Chrysler LeBaron and just watch Bingo sad all the time. No! Don't do that to me. Shit, we'll buy that Chrysler LeBaron and just watch bingo sad all the time. No! Don't do that to me. What a spoiled kid she sounds like.

Wait, my convertible. My next convertible. It can fill up with water in the monsoons. We'll put goldfish in it. Well, it becomes a jacuzzi. A carp pond. Come on. We'll make it into a koi pond. What, it becomes a jacuzzi. A carp pond. Come on. We'll make it into a koi pond.

What a photo shoot that would be for you, honey. Now it's a write-off. You, photo shoot. Photo shoot. Done. A bunch of carp. You, the carp will nibble all your little leg hairs. Put sea monkeys in it. See, now it's fun. Yeah. Sea sea monkeys you won't miss that cadillac at all

yes i will you have your koi pond i love the caddy you see monkey koi pond you ever see those infomercials for the old people tubs there's a door and they get in it like a stand-up they open the door they get in it what they don't tell you is you have to wait for that to fill up. You get in, you shut the door, and then you sit there for 30 minutes while it fucking fills up to your navel. And then you have to wait for it to drain to open that fucking door again. And if you shit yourself while you're in there. I tried to buy one of those.

As soon as I moved in here, I'm already thinking, five years or 100 years down the line. All right. I can get out of here. I could get wheel. There's not stairs. There's a couple of stairs, but I could get a fucking wheelchair ramp in and out of here. You think my shit's going to be here till I'm dead.

Five's like infirmed. It's a good house. And then I looked at it. I saw one of those commercials. And I'm like, that'd be a great idea. I'm lazy. I don't want to get down into a bath. But I don't want to have to stand up during a shower.

This is a happy medium. So I called up. I'm like, how much is it? You did call up. I remember this. They won't tell you how much it is. I'm like, just fucking tell me how much it is. Well, we'll have a salesman come down.

You're not going to get a salesman to come to fucking Bisbee, Arizona. The closest guy would be Tucson. And that's two hours for the guy to come down here. And I said, well, fuck you. Then send a guy because I'm not going to buy it. I'm just curious. And then I couldn't do it to the poor prick. Yeah, because it's not his fault.

He's getting cold leads. I've worked sales. It's not his fault that the people on the phone are fucking assholes. And you know what they were doing when they're like, oh, well, where did you see this? And they engage you in this conversation to talk about how excited you are about the product without ever telling you a price. They just want to get the lead. That's their only job. They're lead people. And they're going to They just want to get the lead. That's their only job. They're lead people.

And they're going to pass that on to a salesman. And I did schedule an appointment. Or I gave them my name. I said, I want to schedule an appointment. And then I was going to tell the guy when he called, listen, I'm not buying the fucking thing. I'm just curious. Tell him you came out here. Well, I know he has to call and give me a time.

But they never called. So then I'd call all the time. Every time I saw the commercial, I'd call up, go fucking tell me, well, you never send a guy. You say you're going to have a guy call. Guy never fucking calls because I live in the middle of nowhere. Then I realized you can buy them at Home Depot. It's not the craziest thing in the world.

This is the only place you can get it. You go to Home Depot. And then at some point, someone did that math for me. I'd like to say that I put it together myself. No, someone smarter than me went, you know, you'd have to sit in there while it fills up and then while it drains if you want to use that door. I went, wow, what a ripoff. There's not an escape hatch where it just flushes out like really quick. Yeah.

But eventually we're going to have to do something with that bathroom because that bathroom sucks. Now, so, yeah, maybe, hey, you want to trade out a new bathroom for a caddy? No, no. Unless no one bids on the fucking thing. Then that's in play. All right, we've talked enough. I've got to go write a book.

It's a really good book, I guarantee it. Let's go. This psyllium's knocking on the door I gotta get out of here Alright, Bingo, what are they gonna play? Can you play the mattoid? Again? Is there a mattoid we haven't played? We did Hat Poison

Yeah, Rat Poison Rat Poison's a good song It's my favorite Or a gagarian can you grab one off youtube i got them all love boat really have got to get to that oh i thought you're just using that as an oh hang on wait wait there was a this is what i wanted to bring up that's why i brought up andrew in first place. What the fuck? What was my point? Now I'm saying it like it's a catchphrase.

Someone tweeted that. That should be your catchphrase. What was I talking about? What was my point? No, Andrew, the only reason I brought that up was for that one fucking funny quote where he brought that kid over from australia the big kid like baby huey and he brought him over and uh he was staying at andrew's house and he goes yeah well one night he went down uh elmos and uh someone roofied him he came back to my house he was all fucked up he was a big kid yeah he goes yeah someone uh roofied him and he was just fucking wasted and i go really did they

actually roofie like who roofies a 28 year old dude so he goes yeah he's all fucked up someone roofied him and i go and you were with me on it i said do do you think he really got roofied or they just they overpoured notoriously at elmo's you think they just tried to get them fucked up he goes oh no i talked to the lady who roofied him she thought it was hilarious the lady what other town what are the bar you go to as a 20 year old kid or some older woman roofies you hoping that you bang her. I don't know. It was just a funny exchange. That's the only reason I brought it up.

Gangly baby Huey foreigners get on down to Elmo's down in the Gulch. Bisbee. What? All right. That was the whole point of the podcast. It was just that cute little story. And there you have it. This is what I want to do, Chaley.

We have a system. The Mattoid doesn't get nearly enough credit, and we don't even know where he is. He might be in Finland. He's in Europe somewhere, as far as I know. I haven't tracked him down. But if you people haven't looked up the matoid on YouTube, he does a ton of funny fucking songs.

So, yeah, let's play different matoid ones, because you can grab this off YouTube, right? I've got most of these. All right, well, let's do one. And a lot of them are videos on YouTube. Yeah, but the covers, the covers are fantastic. Look up the video. Listen to the song, but then look up the video because he's so fucking bizarre.

This is the Matoid doing a cover of The Love Boat. Love. Exciting and comfortable. Exciting and good, comfortable, we're expecting you and love. Let it flow, it floats back to you. The love boat soon will be making another run. The love boat promises something for everyone Set your goals for adventure You're more than a new roadman

Cause love It won't hurt anymore It's an open smile on a friendly shore The love boat soon something for everyone. Set the course for a friend, your mind and your hero man. It's love. Welcome aboard. It's love