The Doug Stanhope Podcast - From 'Doing Time' to 'Doing Time'

Episode Date: November 16, 2025

Better with video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eobse3GUe0  If you had just spent 12.5 years in prison, what would it be like if Doug picked you up and took you straight on stage to open for him?  For Bobby's full story, go to https://www.notesfromthepen.com Support the show by going to http://hims.com/STANHOPE for your personalized ED treatment options.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right. I'm going to bring up our guest set and a special, special, the reason we're really here. He's, uh, he's, uh, he did a lot of time in prison and that's why I love him. Uh, this guy hasn't been on stage in about 12 and a half years. So, give it up for Bobby C. Are you having fun yet? I'm having fun. This is wildly inappropriate. I recently got out of prison this morning recently,

which is, I think, the main reason. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You have no idea why I was in there, but thank you, thank you, I appreciate it. That's 12 years straight. Can you guys imagine 11 years without sex? It was rough at the end it was getting rough at the end. No, it was crazy. It was a long time.

I woke up this morning, barely slept. I woke up at 3.30 and just been going. And I packed my shit up, drag it across the yard, take one look. I rounded everything, processed me out. And the day I've been waiting for for 12 years, I walk out the doors. And there's my mom, my dad, my girl, and legendary comedian Doug Stanhope. I guess that's what he does now. They said he's been waiting in the parking lot, trolling for openers.

I don't understand what's going on. Yeah, this is crazy. Prison's crazy. Not for the reasons you think, though. I think most of you, 12 years, not a single rape. And I don't mean by me or of me. I mean, period. And I was looking.

It's a good thing, right? It's technically a good thing. I guess that there's no rape in prison. It's bad PR. You know? But it's disorienting. It's the one thing I knew to expect from prison, and it wasn't there.

So every time there's a commotion or a scuffle, I run over and eager part the crowd, hoping to see exposed flesh, erect members. Every time, stabbing. Bullshit. When I came to prison, you could say retard. On the inside, when I was in there, you couldn't say it no more. Now I think you can say it again. I think you say it again.

By you, I mean you guys, I've always been able to say it. I don't. Because I was molested by a gentleman with mental handicap, right? That's how that works, right? Someone from a minority group offends you once and you get the shit on anybody from that group from then on out? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, it was the 80s, things were loose. I was a young Asian kids.

We were hot back then. You know what I mean? I go to my buddy's house. I go to my buddy's house, and it was a totally different world than I ever knew. They smoked cigarettes. The parents had porn this high next to the toilet. And there he was, sitting in front of a giant TV screen,

eating ketchup off a plate with two fingers. And I walk in the first time, and he looks at me. Looks back at the TV. Looks at me. Looks back at the TV. He was watching Goonies, by the way. And I see the wheels turning in his head, and I'm a five-year-old Asian kid.

He looks at me and says, I'm not gonna do the voice. Fuck you guys. I'm not doing the voice, but he said, he said, I saw you on TV. And I look, first of all, racist. Second of all, I looked, and it looked like me. But I saw you on TV too, bud.

You're the one dragging the knife down the sail at the end and carrying chunk out of the I know. You know what I mean? Needless to say he was impressed. He was impressed. It wasn't that bad as far as molestations go. You know what I mean? On account of him being slow. I don't think it was, I don't think it was a moral choice. You know what I mean? He couldn't, I think his hands, he couldn't get the Jor-Dash buttons off my little trousers. You know what I'm saying? So there's a lot of groping and slobbering. You know what I mean? I'm thankful for it. It could have been worse. My mom's here, by the way, Mom. How could you? You know. No, but it did happen several times, which I was a smart Asian kid and he wasn't the brightest. So whose fault was it, really? You know what I mean? It happened a couple times because they had a Nintendo, okay? And that princess wasn't going to save herself. You know what I mean? Mom, you remember that in 1985?

Christmas wish list. You should have done it. You should have done it. You should have forked it over, Mom. How dare you? Not a lot of Asians in prison. A bit of a groundbreaking in that sense. I didn't know my real dad, my biological father.

But he was a bit of a groundbreaking as well, I assume. You know, deadbeat Asian dad. But my mom remarried. But my mom remarried early, and she married an amazing guy. He's over here. Pops, how you doing? Love him. Never made me feel different.

I was always this kid. But as I got older, I realized I should have had a little context. She married a Purple Heart recipient, war hero, from the Vietnam War. Yes. Yes, a round of applause. But if I had known this, and it was explained to me, I would have acted a little different, probably. It would have explained some things why he woke up in a panic

every time I would jar him awake while he was sleeping. My chinky eyes peering over the bed holding a baseball like a hand grenade. Hey, Dad, you want to play? Son of a bitch! I would have just would have made a little more sense, you know. Never met my real dad. I tried to contact him once. It was a well-thought-out affair.

My mom had printed out a name, a list of 10 names from California. There's a lot of us out there. And his name is Juan Kim. So it's a pretty popular name, I would assume. Pretty popular name. So I stuff it in a backpack, and this is when I'm spiraling. My life's going out of control. And I drink about half a fifth of gin.

And then the other half of the fifth of gin. And I decide, I'm going to dig this piece of paper out and give this son of a bitch a call. So I go down the list and I start calling. and I start calling. Now, I mistook the time difference, turns out it's three hours. I must have thought it was 14 hours, I don't know. It's very late, and I'm just kidding,

call after call, the guy answers or the woman answers, and any variation of a shitty response, you know, hang up, don't call, broken English, I'm also not gonna do the voice, don't fucking, not gonna do it. Anyways, I wouldn't even know how to do it. That's how un-Asian I am. But I get down to the end of the list, and I'm a mess.

And a woman picks up, and she's groggy, and she hands the phone over. And the guy's a bit combative at first. And I end up crying, losing my shit, it's not running down my face. And I'm telling the guy, listen, I'm just a kid trying to find his dad. I'm 23 at the time. Now he has a heart, and he kind of talks me through this, right? And he says, first of all, don't call Korean households at midnight, step one. And we go through it, and we kind of talk, and, you know, he gives me some other advice.

What was your dad's name? I tell him. Was it you? No, it's not me. All this other stuff, right? And we make it through, and I understand a little more about the, context of it and it just not you know I end up getting off the phone with the guy and tell him thanks and I hang up and that was the first time I talked to my real dad I know that

when I got off the phone that bastard wiped the sweat off his head and he'd been dreading the call for some 23 years and he held firm and he got me but what he doesn't know is I'm out of prison now and I'm on his ass I'm going to find that son of a bitch, and he's going to teach me how to do the voice. Listen, this is amazing. I came out here and just because it's going to kind of freestyle it. It's been a long time. I've been locked up for a long time.

Started a podcast while I was in there like everyone does. And, right? Notes from the PIN, anybody? Anybody notes from the PIN? Thank you. Thank you. I met Doug along the way before that. One of my co-host fell out and Doug

Doug picked the ball up and ran with it and we did 30 episodes and it was great and we're both inappropriate assholes so when I was getting out he said you want to open? I said you goddamn right you're goddamn right so listen life is short

shit can happen and I just want to get serious for a second appreciate the time you have and appreciate the freedoms you got however fleeting or strong they are now because they're very important and sometimes you don't appreciate until the shit's gone and it's just been a pleasure to be up here with you guys

I'm free I'm going we're doing this come see me at the merch table afterwards thank you guys I love you get up here you motherfucker get up here you son of a big thank you thank you thank you thank you You have one You have one minute

Remaining You have one minute remaining Now confess you did it for the life insurance Okay, never mind Bobby Caldwell you know from Notes

from the pen dot com and our podcast and his podcast let's just address the elephant

in the room 12 years in prison you just get out yesterday you did a set last night you killed

and you have a new love in your life. I do. That you finally get to see in person and touch and love in person. Yes. But found out that she's bleeding like a speared pig.

That's what TMZ quoted, bleeding like a speared pig. Stuck pig, yeah. Yeah. How do you, do you want to go back in? It's been three times, which I think is more times. I don't think I've had sex three times

and under 24 hours before. And we're going to keep this impersonal. But we kind of knew leading up, like about a month out, I was like, oh shit, like the seventh. I get on on the seventh. And I don't know exactly the cycle, but it's not exactly 30 days. Right?

And then we kind of, she was like, once she was over, we kind of talked about it a little bit. But then when it started approaching, Everyone was really stressed out about getting out, and she's got to drive up here from Florida. And she was in a mood a little bit a couple times. And I was like, how do I, how do I? So are you bringing anything else in your toilet trees? Like, I didn't know how to, like, broach this subject.

Yeah, you said you're trying to gauge her mood to see if it was PMS.N.S. Ask how much, like, when are you, are you bleeding yet? It's totally unrelated. I want to make sure you're not iron deficient or something. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? It was totally unrelated, not anything about it. Because we just, you know, but then it gets weird where, you know, you have this whole thing you're expecting.

I've been expecting it for 12 years, you for like three or four, you know what I mean? And ultimately you get to a point where before I get out like, listen, this is, we can joke about this and everything, but. I want you to be comfortable. So don't think like the moment we get out, like we got to go, fuck. Oh, here's some knowledge dropping. According to the National Institutes of Health, as many as 30 million men in the U.S. experience ED.

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for safety effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. We met up in McDonald's because it was the only thing around that you could Yeah, they had one breakfast joint near the prison and it was so bucket small. And we had, there was 11 people there. So we met up in a McDonald's and I thought you might go immediately, I thought you might go to the toilet together. Yeah, no, we almost had our own little VIP section. in McDonald's, which I don't know what's kind of an oxymorne, but we were all there.

The whole day was simultaneously entirely inappropriate, right? Like, it's not like I did a year or two. I was, I did a life-destroying bit, you know, and, you did 28 to, wait, no, 31 to 45, I don't. I don't remember exactly what the month's worth, but it was the best times of my life is what you missed. of your life your age yeah like yeah those of the best years of my life was early thirties to yeah i got locked up when i was 33 and um my buddy he got locked up when it was like 16 or 17 named justin Monson great author and we were we were in cubes towards the end there in the same bunk area and um he'd been locked up since he was a teenager and he gets out and a year and a half and he's

be 36 and I told him I got locked up when I was 33 and I said listen I know this sounds like you think I might just be placate and you were saying this but the early 30s like I really was like feeling aside from the disastrous life destroying mental spiral I went down losing my insurance and trying to kill myself was uh the before that the early 30s were like a sweet spot you know what I mean where you're like you have enough history you kind of know yourself enough your body's still working intact and stuff so I told him you're going to be 36 but you're like you're going to be getting out at a good time

I'm getting out and I look young from my age but I'm now counting the 12 half young I'm half young I'm half Asian right but yeah the amount of time I think I have viably quote unquote left is like similar to the 12 so like 12 years like trying to get through that

now I'm kind of looking like I kind of only got about 12 more years of being free where it's like still kind of capable of doing stuff and shit, I feel like. I saw you this morning and- Look at us. Yeah, exactly, though. You're proof of like what I'm saying now. No, but we didn't get the vacation in prison.

Right, take it easy. Right, right. No smoking, no drinking for 12 years. So yeah, yeah, yeah, helped out. Yeah, oh shit, yeah. Yeah, we've aged with the booze. I think the point we're making is go to prison young, like very young.

And get out in your 30s and take care of your skin while you're there. Moisturized. Yeah, last night, you get out yesterday morning and you were fucking just radiant and gleeful. And then because you went right from there to check in and then get to the show. You get out, it's 7, 8 a.m. and then we did a 8 p.m. show and the difference in your face from being fucking

a McDonald's fucking playground party to oh fuck I gotta go on stage was just so... And people you know that like that always makes it a little when you know the audience yeah you had like I don't know how many people like you actually

knew or were just fans of yours or just do you from not the guy who was sitting in front yeah that guy was a fan of nobody

apparently no he liked me he did like Doug but he didn't like Doug at the beginning he waited for I think the moment you said Libetard

he was like fully locked in he was like this is my guy yeah yeah he locked onto that yeah today we're at the we're at this fucking this is an absolutely

magnificent spot It reminds me a lot of Caddy Shack meets the Swiss Alps to some degree. Yeah, the Overlook Hotel from the Shining meets Caddyshack.

I could see where if the weather was a certain way it would be very grim grim around here. And yeah, nobody's in this. It's the Otsego Resort in Gaylord, Michigan. And we were going to get an Airbnb and then I found this place

and the pictures didn't live up to it. I thought it was still going to be a tiny place that maybe the restaurant's open, maybe it's not. This is a fucking huge, like, golf course ski resort thing, and it's fucking empty. Beautiful. I went from a 12-year prison sentence,

and if you do more than... These are, like, nuances that, you know, you don't understand why you've been in prison, but in Michigan, if you do more than, I think it's seven years, you have to go to a maximum security prison, no matter why. It doesn't matter.

And you have to stay there for at least three years. Either three years until you're under a certain amount. I had 12, so I was going to stay there for at least three years. It doesn't matter how good you are, how much trouble you stay out of. It's the dumbest fucking thing ever because you're in level four with a bunch of gangsters and killers and, you know, you have a bunch. People with neck tattoos, ambiguously ethnic-looking weirdos. Maybe they're Asian. Maybe they're Mexican.

You don't know. You know? And so I fit in in that sense. You know what I mean? I made it. But you go from that and then you work your way down after years. This is how fucked up I was. Three years in, I graduate.

I'm allowed to go to level two, a medium security prison where you have your own key to your cell. And until a count time, you get to go in and out. You've got a bunky. There's a bunch of people in the day room. You get yards. When you're in level four, you have two 45-minute yards. You have to do everything in there, right?

Two different times during the day. And so I get, I finally get to, I finally get down to the three-year point where I'm eligible. And they say, hey, we're going to send you to, Hey, hang on, bingo, go turn off your phone and grab my phone because we're going to call Twyman. Was that my phone? Yeah, that was your farting.

That was her fart ring tone. He just tried to. Oh, he'll get it. Sorry, go ahead. So I get to the point, like a lot of people there are really, like, can't wait to get to a medium security prison. Well, I have a locked account, meaning I have to spend money on other people's accounts because anything I get over 50, the state takes.

So I order a cheap foot locker in my bunkies name, and they say, hey, you're level two eligible. I'm in maximum security. Stabbing is every day, slashing. This was a big. I had to take razor blades away because everyone was getting slashed. And I said, well, hold on a minute. I ordered a foot locker, so give me a couple more months until this thing gets here. You know what I mean?

And so I stayed there an extra couple months so I can get this foot locker. Get the foot locker, go to level two. There's this whole thing, dust up, get rode out to another level two. Wait, hang on, you had a dust up. I was affiliated with an organization on the inside, and the organization had a dust up. They said that they, this isn't funny stuff, by the way. I know it's not. Don't worry.

Twyman will make it all over the game right. They said that there was a J-Pay, the electronic little email thing, that someone had put a hit out on an officer, which wasn't true. They didn't. And so the officer is like tearing my shit up. Like every day flipping everything upside.

They don't take anything. So technically, and just every paper on the floor and all that stuff. And the counselor's like, listen, this isn't going to stop them to ride you out. So I wasn't there that long. They ride me out. And the point is the footlocker gets taken two months later anyways, because I get rode into a new joint and it's not mine. So they yank the foot locker.

And my point is I went from all this nonsense for 12 years. And I get out. And aside from the McDonald's thing, we come here and we have a whole resort. Like unbelievable, like all of just a bunch of degenerates and this massive resort in this beautiful place. I don't know. I think there's a footlocker. It's your uncle's girlfriend? What are you doing with this suitcase right here?

That your uncle's girlfriend is a woman of a certain age. Yeah, yeah. And she said, I said, they told us, we have this whole place to ourselves. There's no one else here when they pulled up. And she goes, well, it's a good thing. We're not in our 20s or 30s or there'd be a lot of trouble. I said, we can be. We can be that age.

And then she almost fell down the stairs. But, hang, let's get Twyman out of the way so I don't forget. Are you familiar with Twyman? Yeah, yeah, I am. I think I've spoken to him before on the phone. He's still a record sales girl, or sales person. But that was a hot night. He rode the streak.

He worked merch for us once. Twyman, if you don't know, Twyman mental, mental, illness, whatever his diagnosis is. He killed his mother in a psychotic state thinking she was trying to hurt the pain, whatever. But he might be right. Yeah, what if he's right? Like, we don't know.

But now he was sending me pictures. Wait, is it? Oh, God, you're there. He was going to be on Saturday Night Live? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and he actually got on the set of Saturday Night Live. Oh, yeah.

We did a podcast. It was a two-part. One with Shane Gillis right after he got fired from Saturday Night Live and then with Twyman in the mental institution who thought Lauren Michaels was sending him psychic messages to be on Saturday Night and we've titled it so you want to be on Saturday Night Live. There's two parts so we're Twyman since he knows Bobby's out hey if Bobby needs someone to talk to or just tell him this and giving them advice you know just you know find a therapist take your time take it easy what's your comedy advice if you if you need anyone

to talk to he just what did you tell twyman about comedy because he does oh i've told him he's horrible don't do that to people yeah i've never seen worse comedy what you did to your mother pales in comparison i didn't say what you do to the audience on a nightly basis you ear fuck and he's back to doing it like he got not guilty for reasons of insanity so he did i guess six or eight years of you know mental institution time at like a more uh sling blade than the uh you were in more shawshank yeah so so he texted me today hey i really need advice on something can i talk to you and i go let's save this for bobby because he wanted to give you advice about stand-up right

No, no, no, just life advice. Getting out and how to pace yourself and take your time. If you want to go to Austin and do Kill Tony together, we'll go with you. I don't want to goof on Twyman, but I just, I want to hear. I remember being very jealous of Twyman early on when I learned of him because he is their number one sales, girl. Like this, sound wise? How are you? how are you

uh shit i the judge still hasn't approved my apartment but they let me they're letting me stay for 48 hours in my apartment until it gets starting when okay hang i'm gonna let you know you're on the podcast with uh andy andy okay so uh yeah don't say anything that will incriminate you no i'm just being patient so so you got into an apartment that was uh subsidized well it's

it's it's a housing voucher that they they give you I got one for good will to get severely mentally ill people but so they let you into the apartment but now they're

giving you 48 hours to get the fuck out it's probably not a no no they're it all has to be approved by the courts so that's what they're doing now it doesn't meet the requirements they have these weird stipulations they have these weird stipulations on everything.

See, Bobby knows how this shit works. He just got out, he knows. I just got out, I know. Let me tell you something. Is that Bobby? Yeah, that's Bobby. Bobby, how are you? I'm doing all right.

I was glad to hear from you. I think we're in somewhat the same boat. You know, we're experiencing some of the same stuff, aside from my mom. Not the three times in a 24-hour period, valley. Have you ever had sex three times in a 24-hour period? hour span, Twyman. That's a no?

I've only done it once. I mean, one night, one time when I see a young man in San Angelo, Texas. Have you ever fucked three times in 24 hours, Twyman? Yes, I have. Yeah.

All right. Better man than me. Yeah, it's a... I'll spend the rest of my life catching up to Twyman. Yeah. No, you'll be all right. Believe me.

all right so you had advice for bobby yes i did uh basically i was saying because you know i was institutionalized for a little over eight years i know you were institutionalized for a lot longer so believe me a full college versus what you did is incredible that you were able to persevere but what i what's happened to me is that the institutionalization doesn't doesn't go away, and it fucks with your brain a little bit. Right. So just be patient and take baby steps and do what you think is best, but don't overdo it in most cases because you want to experience everything so quickly

because you've been locked up for so long. Boy, just fuck this girl three times and 24 hours on the rag. Yeah. So I guess he's overdoing it. I'm, yeah, the sheets would say. There's no maids in here either. We're like, how are we going to... First of all, how are we going to explain this amount of blood

without catching another case? That's why they have the thing about not stealing the sheets. Second of all, she's here. It's not true. It's totally true. Bobby said, if they see the sheets, I could get it. Another life bit. I'll wind back up on the inside.

That's enough DNA evidence. Where's she at? We need to... Wow. I'm extremely proud of you and happy for you. you are a deserving human being for this opportunity of freedom and I expect nothing but great things from you and if you ever need anything for me just to bounce off I'm not the most sane person in the world stamina knows that but I can be a service to you in any way possible I appreciate that

I think I vouch for your sanity it's your stage time that worries me yes it always worries you no I I worry more for the audience. Yes, so do I. What do you got? What are you been working on? What material? What's your strongest material timing right now? Well, it's not really, most people are set up punchline.

Yeah. I'm more of set up and scream out the punchline that's not a punchline. Okay. In my brain, I think things are funny, and sometimes they translate very well. And then other times it takes people a while to get them. If you're only funny to yourself, you can draw as many people as James Inman. Yes, that is correct. Hang on, Andy has a question.

Which one of the Joker characters in the movies are you most comedically like? Well, what was his name? Joaquin Phoenix. You're leading the witness, Your Honor. You're a little witness. All right. So I'm more bombastic. All right.

Maybe we could throw a clip in here from YouTube. Maybe he could have that. I got my chicken tender joke that came out of my mouth just from rehearsing it in the car. That's the best part. Do you want to do it live or should we find it on YouTube? I can send it to you. Do you want it via email or do you want to... Everyone here is saying live.

Bingo saying live. Do the bit. Do the bet. Hang on. Let me give you a proper introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, straight from the N-G-R-I, back in a society

and back on stage at a funny bone near you, open mic coming up 17th in the list. James Twyman. Woo! Do the chicken tenders bit! Oh, man. You know, there's not much honesty that comes out of my mouth,

but I found a pussy hair on my goddamn chicken tenders. And I'm a man, and a man always eats chicken tenders with a pussy hair. I fucked it up. No, you're going strong. You're going strong.

I don't think, I don't, yeah, I'm with... You call me off guard. I can do it, no. Yeah, yeah, yes. Reset. Reset. One more bit. No, no, hey.

Give them a better intro and then just give them a, like, this next comic's doing a guest bot. All right, this next comic is James Twyman 2.0. Yeah. He's grown a lot. Here, give him a round of applause. Twyman 2. Let's go, buddy, you got this. Has anyone here ever had an onion ring before?

Yeah. I don't know if you have a good onion ring or not. If you can stick the tip of your penis through the onion hole without getting crushed on your mushroom, that shit's a good onion ring. Unfortunately, my philosophy doesn't bode well for the Burger King onion ring, because Burger King onion rings are as tight as an asshole. Sorry, we played a laugh track right there. I need all the laugh tracks I can get, Stan out. And bingo. Hi.

Hi. I love you. We love you. We're going back to the podcast. If you really needed advice about anything else, wait a couple days. We fly home tomorrow. We'll be back at Bisbee Friday. We love you.

Love you, Tom. And I will see you all later. Good luck, bud. Go bye, babe. Bye, bye. Bye, bye. Wow. Wow.

He's not afraid to tell those kinds. afraid to tell those kind of jokes. He's not. He's got a perseverance. This is what happens when people. He's bombastic about public hairs on chicken tenders. I get it. This is what happens when people on like Reddit or whatever say, oh, my advice to new comics,

get all this stage time you can get. Well, that's, you're talking to 99% him. I get as much stage time as like on my deck if he him at open mic could be me and my deck I just hear crickets he could do his material to

the backyard I don't want to be like a dick or abuse him but Bobby's like a guy that's rational he's a smart dude that knows what the fuck he's doing and you went up after

fucking 12 years talking to shitheads and had a fucking great set yeah that was uh like i said the whole day was uh you know we share a lot of the same type of absurd shit makes us laugh you and i mean that's one of the things we bonded on andy as well and um i think the absurdity of getting right out doing time from doing time to doing doing time yeah just some wordplay joke we're like let's do it It's worth it for that. Yeah, absolutely. Just, yeah, once you get the title to an album,

yeah, you kind of got to do it. So I committed to it, right? We've done podcasts together before and all that stuff. And I'm like, yeah, let's fucking do it. Like, absolutely. Now, I've grown accustomed to doing podcasts on a phone, on a prison yard, which is distracting enough, but I'm just on the phone. With people in line behind you.

People in line, yeah, arguments and all that. What the fuck? But there is a safety to... Get to the joke, man. This is why prison phone calls, you know this. 15 minutes yeah which is about the amount of time I did last night I believe that's all I got I got 15 minutes of decent phone call material and it's one of the reasons Stanhope says he always picks up when I call right yeah and even like when after we became here's what's

happened in 12 years cue absolutely I'm here and ready to help if you've got any question questions or anything's you got it just let me know what you need and I'll no you you forgot your cue, the cue. Oh, gotcha. My bad, I must have missed that cue. Thanks for the reminder. Let me know what you need next and I'll do that. No, the cue is, you have one minute remaining.

I got it, got it. All right, I'll do that next time you give me the cue. All right. The lady on the prison phone is better. The lady on the prison phone's better. Hey, bingo. Oh, man. Bingo?

They had a Saturday Night Line where they, I mean, South Park, but he's doing the whole thing. I didn't know that's what it actually sounded like. I don't know how to use phones, by the way. Yeah, they used the same one, I think. They were very, Doug looked it up. Hey, what's your name? You can call me Bingo. I'm here to help and keep things fun.

Let me know what you need and I've got your back. That's so gross. How dare you? What does she eat? That is so gross, honey. What does Bingo eat? What did you name your potato, bingo? Tell you your bingo.

You're bingo. What? Say, no, I'm bingo. No, I'm bingo. Yes. Ha, ha, exactly. I'm definitely bingo, and I'm here to keep the lives coming. What?

This bitch is a cichrist. Yeah, but she doesn't listen very well. No, she, I had the, they're queued up. If there was an offstage mic, all the prison phone calls after 15 minutes of your podcast, you have. minute remaining and so I had her queued up to do that on a offstage mic at the end of your set but there was no offstage mic but it was ready and I checked it today I go cue and she did you have one minute remaining and now but yeah that's a little and now you call it bingo I was uh for tonight when I agreed to it though you know it was

like months ago I think you were like what if we what if we schedule a show and you open and uh i was like yeah that's cool that's uh without any idea of like what where my head was going to be i didn't give me whatever my head where my head was going to be when i got out you know what i mean like i've told you this before i'm such a weirdo like after every call i get off of i'm like yeah i could have done better not just a hand to anybody like yeah i feel like i I kind of missed a couple moments there. You know, so with you, I'd be extra harsh on myself. And then, you know, you said one time, I always pick up for you

because I know it's, we got a heart out after 15 minutes, you know. Yeah. And so it's easy to fill that time. But when I got out, I was super excited, ready to do it. But there were a couple moments where I'm like, a lot of it relies on me being in the right mental state. And I was fucking exhausted. By the time we got back up there to do the hot, the high, The high lines.

High notes. High notes, I was like drained. And I had a couple more. But you were back there, fucking scribbling fucking notes right before I was going back out. You were with me in the wings.

Yeah. Just fucking wailing away with a pencil or crayon, whatever they let you out with. Yeah. One of the fat child cans is just big. That's why I only put one little bit on there because it's a big.

You have to hold it. like this yeah i just wanted you out there like we told you ahead of time this we're gonna fucking throw this show not in the toilet but to the wind we don't we're never coming back to gay lord michigan what's that well i forget the last town we're in midland midland midland the dal chemical town right yeah but uh that that was a big big show in this one it's all i thought it was going to feel like a smaller the last two years shows we did were like all right this is like garbage work banquet hall things we would never work and they were two of the best shows on this tour like the audiences were so appreciative like

that it was all right and are you talking about the last the show we just did midland and gaylord yeah yeah listen i was wondering to get your guys take on like what what you felt about it because I did I was pleased I did better than I you know it had been a long time and even before you know I was doing open mics here and there before I got locked up I was writing a bunch of stuff but I probably never did more than five minutes before I got out there and so it was it was really fun I I did a little better than I thought I was going to do like I was once I started getting in the groove and started catching like realizing where this specific audience was and some of the shit kind of exploited some of the self-racism fun and they like some of

the Asian shit a little too much by the way kind of but it was funny I got out with with the what wasn't even really going to be my closer but it was such a it was like one of the biggest laughs I got so I'm like I'm getting the hell out of here I just want to watch these guys and got out and I was really the crowd was really cool because there was a for as maybe you had a fucking crowd there I mean when they the Mike Balls that put the show together yeah when he announced all our names you got the biggest round of applause yeah I didn't know that either there was you know we got a show that's got a where we lack in the amount of fans we have like really

fervent fans I think on a higher degree you experienced that as well you know what I mean so but I didn't know who was actually there was actually a lot of people who were planned on coming but shit was going on with the flights and someone got sick so I wasn't sure what it was gonna be like so I shot the notes from the pin thing out there and got it I was like okay there's enough in here to kind of float me but it was I was I figured two things were gonna happen I was going out there eat shit and be like I can't wait to get back on and get a good taste in my mouth insert joke from the prison but or I'm

gonna do all right and be addicted to it and I can't wait to get and that's what it was I got off and was like I had a buzz and I was like that's why I knew that we had to bring up even though you don't even know how the high notes banter works yeah come back up I told you Like, you're going to get off stage and go, oh, I forget to say this and this and this. Throw it in. And you did.

You had shit that you forgot. Bingo's got a question. Question. Tell them about your dad line that came out of nowhere. Oh, the tagline? Well, I was... Don't make a guy do bits on a podcast. No, no, I don't do the bit.

Just the... Do you remember the dadline? Well, yeah, well, so I was doing a bit. It started earlier about... being molested by a mentally handicapped gentleman. And why it allows me to say the word retard, even though I didn't say it. Which for fans of Andy Andres...

No, but it leads into it, right? So in it, I'm kind of quoting this moment where I'm like a five-year-old and this mentally handicapped fellow is like, I saw you on TV because of Goonies. And he says, I saw you on TV and I say, I almost do the voice, the voice. And I say, I'm not going to do the voice, you assholes.

And then later I have a bit about tracking down my real dad who's Korean. and I got to another place where I got to imitate someone else's voice and it's an Asian person's voice and I say I'm not going to do that voice either which I didn't have it written like that but at the end when it comes back to you know this guy I'm talking to isn't my dad and but he talks me down from crying and all this stuff and he's like it's going to be okay don't call Korean households blah blah blah the joke is I get off the phone and I know that was my real dad and he just dodged a bullet and I'm going to track this fucker down because I'm out of prison and teach you have them teach me to do the voice, the Korean voice, because I don't know how to do it. Welcome to another episode of You Had to Be There. It went exactly like that. No last. Yeah, so, but it was great.

It was one of those moments that, you know, you do stand-up and something just clicks in like a freestyle-type way, and it was just, it was fun. The whole thing was really fun. And then I got to watch YouTube. I was watching you, like, worried about, like, the sound, like, a mic technique, like, all right, He's not, you're going to sell that bit. Like, if you're going to go quiet, you're going to get the mic closer. And I was missing half the bits, just looking at, like, technique.

Yeah. Which is really the hardest thing to learn. When you have, like, you were a naturally funny, like, prior said, if you can't be funny, be interesting, and you're both. So I was, it's more, when it gets on stage, it's more about, like, how to, sell the bit. Yeah. Andy used to fucking do this thing that would make Chaley crazy and he would hold the

phone like a rapper. I mean the phone, the microphone. And I do this and they can't, you fucking tell him to stop holding it like this. You can't, it's fucking up all the audio. So he has shit like that that

I know you're funny. Here's the crazy part though, right? So you know, you and I were talking in the back and he said this, he like sets you up. So he, like, the way he sets you up, you're like, I'd have to be a twyman to, like, really mess this up.

You know what I'm saying? And so I'm like, oh, beautiful, Doug's going to go up there do the thing, he's going to sell me on it, and he did, killed it. But halfway through it, I go, this is one of the funniest dudes on the, this guy's a legend. I have to follow this prick now.

It's fresh out the joint. This guy does, I'm just going to be out there for a second, does a solid tin. Solid tin. I'm forgetting every, what the fuck is my, I'm going to do? I was just, toss me out there, but I said it to you. I'm like, I got to follow Stanhope.

I haven't done a set in 12 years. No, you get to say Stanhope opened for me. Yeah, that is also a thing for sure. And, yeah, it was wonderful. It was amazing. It was, like I said, wildly inappropriate, but right on brand for the two of us. All right, so you get out, fucking good morning, smiley McDonald's breakfast.

Then you have to go do your shit in Travers and come up to the show. Then you get through the show, nerve-ragging. This morning, I woke up early, and I went, because I know Andy, Andy likes to do things, and I don't. Andy likes to go wander around through the forest and see elks. And I like to go to fucking get breakfast. Because I thought they were going to take the car. So I took the car, I went to breakfast, I come back, and I see you in the doorway downstairs,

looking angry at a phone and it's probably you trying to figure out how to use a fucking phone. I was trying to text you. Yeah, I don't have no idea how to use these goddamn phones. You didn't even look like you were happy to see me.

You just looked angry at a phone and you saw that I had my hands full and I offered to bring my bag up and I said, yeah, thank you. And then you go, I'll see you later. Yeah, I didn't need to text them anymore. I was happy about that. We'll take you to the app store.

She's been teaching me I guess it's not cool to talk into the phone The funniest thing of the entire tour is Andy said Because we were talking about ways to fuck with you And Andy said Let's say we're going to take them to the app store Where you can buy apps for your phone

Like it's an actual store I had an iPhone 3, 4 when I got locked up So I knew a little bit That's still a funny joke It is. You can get six, 17 now. I got a 16. Uh-huh.

You're old. Yeah. Right. Well, you, uh, you still make some inappropriate texts. Well, Jesus. Hey, for everyone who's getting out of prison and on a group text with your mom on it, maybe you don't talk about illicit shit. Like, very like braggadociously as well.

Like, hey, hey, hey, now that the parents are gone, we're going to fuck some donkeys. What? Mom? Oh my God. This was a joke. You got me out of it. Hey, we're just, you know, I knew. I was just kidding.

I know, but you thought you were kidding to me, but you were kidding to the entire fucking group thread who doesn't know you're kidding. Right. But, yeah, like, I had just assumed Ray would be taking care of all your fucking text messages. She was driving. She was driving, so I was doing all the stuff I'm not supposed to be doing.

But, yeah, no, I, I, My question was, like, because when I saw you in the morning, you were kind of surly, and I'm in the fucking kids, when he said, oh, we're going to breakfast here, I'm like, thank God I already ate, because your sister has two wild, young children, like, evil, cannibal people. Yeah. I hate kids with every fucking just. But in the morning, especially. Even the nice little when you brought to breakfast at McDonald's.

I was looking out the window and I was just enjoying the leaves and shit and then these kids come out and they start rolling down the bag. They're trying to eat squirrels. They were chasing squirrels. Like, you know, it's just, it's another fall scene.

I could have been, oh, cool. But it's like, what the fuck of these little fuck was doing? Ruining my view. You know what? Prison releases need more of children. That's as you. Bring a whole kindergarten.

and grow out and show them what not to do. Humplebody. So, yeah, so he was so happy. But I knew that's your time, what your family. Were you, was there a fall off the next morning? You had one full day of all this shit. You had your show, and then the next morning, you still got family and friends and kids and shit.

were you because you said I'm going to sleep in and I knew you weren't right I knew you're gonna fucking wake up early early it um yeah there's a part where it's like being part of the circus like joining the circus at 16 is great like yeah there's fucking gonna be awesome and then you're smoking meth in an outhouse and you're like your life's fault that was some of that where I was like I kind of just it would be nice to like teleport to just like a single room with her just her and just not feeling responsible too for everyone like are you okay are you okay are you happy or is everyone cool there's so many different personalities not all of you guys know each other and met each other worse so I'm like just getting out of prison I can't figure out

how to not text my mom inappropriate shit and I'm like also in the back of my mind like just trying to deal with you know being in a room with more than like one or two other people and and making sure all these people that I love individually and have separate relationships with are okay and that was like the part where it was like the kind of some of it was like I wish I just could crawl into a little and then I'd on in a crowded McDonald's or a small space just the the Death Valley parties whatever party where where you're the the pivot man where they don't know each other but they all know you I would get on at a football party, Super Bowl parties. I'd get on a megaphone. If you see someone that no one's talking

dude, talk to them. Like, I don't want to be the guy that, like, I have to. Dance. Well, just have to, oh, you don't know them. And I'm the, I fucking hate center of attention. No, it was, it was worth it. It was worth it. Give me a microphone. I, uh, yeah, to be clear, it was, I would do it. I would do it. it every time again like this because the upsides, you know, it's like just collecting weird stories, you know, hopefully it'll get me into heaven because the moral shit probably won't, but like just having a bunch of absurd stories, you know, and this is one of them. So I would do it, it's worth it, but there were definitely, like you were asking,

there were definitely moments where I was like, let me crawl, is anyone who got a cell I could go lay down and, you know what I mean, with a steel toilet? I'm going to feel at home and kind of decompressed. You know, Hawthorne in. The most comfortable I felt other than like some like brief moments on stage

was when you and I and then you and I were in the backstage area waiting to go on because it's empty and it's just us. Yeah. And when everything else goes away, right?

Like the oh this was great you know like when we were we had to do the signing everything at the end and the merch tables and do all that stuff. How'd you doing merch? Did did good. Signed a bunch of shit.

Sold a bunch of shit. You shouldn't have Twyman. I don't know exactly what it was. But it was a, because there was, I was surprised at how many people showed up specifically and flew across the country to see me, which I think is more of a comment on what they have going on in their lives. But I appreciate it and I love them. And it was humbling and met some cool people. Nothing to do with you, Ray. I drove.

I didn't fly. I drove two days. But that shit was really cool. But being back there with you two. it sounds like really corny and cliche but it's true like the other bullshit kind of falls away and you're just talking about comedy with someone yeah and then everything else kind of and those were my favorite i told you about that um being out back when the guy's trying to pitch you on a bit loud back and shit and I turned Here's that big news

He was, I'm glad Alex was out there Because I turned to him right while he's like Pitching you and you're like Oh yeah I think I think Bill, who'd you Bill Hicks did that And I turn right to

And I say, what the fuck Don't you love that when amateurs Come up and try to tell legends How to do their jobs? You know what I mean? Wasn't an amateur even It was just a guy's thought of a thing And he said

You can take it if you want And make millions What he said? What he said? Here's the bit in case you guys want to make millions. He said, I got one for you. I've been waiting for this moment. I cornered Doug out back, smoking a cigarette.

He just started it. It's American Spirit. They burn stlaw. He's like, I got this guy. I might be famous, is what the guy's thinking. Doug's taller than him because he's standing on thing leaning over, and he kind of tries to get a little relaxed. I got one for you for free.

You can have it for free. Instead of... Worth every penny. Instead of drafting young. people to go to war. All right? Old people. Right?

Right? And I started to tell him Andy. Old people! Yeah. Well, then I tried to tell him Andy's bit, and then he's like, oh no, wait, wait, wait, wait. I turn to Alex and get to narrate what's going on over my shoulder. I said, look at this fucking down here.

Anything else? You can just tell a plumber how to fix a toilet when you're done with this? What has happened? That was a bit that Ron White wanted to buy, too, the 42. Yeah. About being 42 and you're ready to kill by the, that age. Yeah.

It's basically that that guy's confirming that that would have been a good bit to sell to Ron White because then he would have... But Bill Hicks had the bit about, you know, old people as stunt men. Put them in the movies. Put them in the movies. Crash test dummies. Yeah, something like that. But it was, it's just, it was...

Was he an absurdist? I'm going to go make a drink. I guess if I'm... Are we doing a timeout? Yeah, let's take a fucking break. Take a timeout. All right. Well, then...

A lot of these young comics now that just say a lot of bad things just to be edgy. And they call themselves like the outlaws of comedy. Me and Andy are like the in-laws of comedy where we don't know if we're just irritating and overstaying our welcome. But tonight's show, you can say you are here for

Killers of Comedy. Even if it was a heart attack due to a tramp stamp, all of us may or may not have killed someone tonight. We're gonna do a new podcast called No, you kill Tony. with actual murderers So yeah, I spent the last month

really unable to do reliable podcasting because the guy The guy that I bought the last pin from His eyes were about this far apart And he looked like the neighbor scary guy from home alone That would scare Kevin with the shoveling and shit He's a little old scary He cried watching Home Alone, too, this last winter.

Yeah, I cried at two Home Alone's in a row. My serotonin depletes. Something. What part got you, the whole thing? They forgot him. I don't even know he's gone. I thought it had to do with the Pigeon woman. I thought her face was too clean to be homeless.

It was a mother issue. It's when I stopped doing ecstasy as I cried at a Simpsons episode. On the next day, down low, after fucking MDMA. And something Marge Simpson said reminded me of my childhood. And I cried, I'm like, all right, is this worth the up for the down? It's never worth it. It is in the moment. But then, no, but the last guy I bought the pin from, he's slow.

He's slow, loopy. He was in there for meth shoveling the McCulley-Col. Constrive way or whatever have you have you got an outs a source for pens on the outside Do I mean I think I'm gonna need them I don't know but the we buy a calling card Yeah those are 30 minutes but the guy I come back and so you feel protective of the guy Right you don't want him to get in trouble because and you feel like a real piece of shit because you're only protected him because I need his phone right so this guy's this guy's not a dope but he's really slow and borrow shit and uh and I come back and there's this is a cube so

they're all half walls and I'm about to go in the cube and some goon is like standing there they call it secure and so when everybody's beating someone up you have to make sure the cops aren't coming no one's going to jump in so he's standing there I know what it is I look in please don't be Kevin McCauley Culker's neighbor you know what I'm saying it is right but I look in and there's two guys above them I'm back here they're beating them up he they have them pin like this in his pants and and underwear are up to his knees and balls an asshole in this violent episode while I'm thinking about the phone.

And I just go, really? No one is, this guy's balls are dancing the cha-cha over here. And all I can think about is the phone. Like don't hurt him, come on Smith, they'll get out, don't hurt him too bad. He and they end up letting him go, it was over a hamburger. I swear to got Smith, one of my other Cubies, Pickles, we've had the same fight.

You don't put fucking pickles. It was Hamburger Day, and he did give, he gave him the hamburger, but I guess he didn't like the way he gave it to him. He said, no, you didn't give me the hot dog. You didn't give me the hot dog last week. He said, I gave you the fucking hot dog. Fine, he takes the hamburger in front of the whole cafeteria,

slams the hamburger with his bare shovel hand on the fucking thing here. And then the other guy's a gangbanger So he's like Okay, that's it That's the last hamburger you slap on my tray Beat the balls and butthole out of this guy Right?

I break it up at a distance Hey, hey, COVID rules back up And he ends up Saying the guy who beats him up kind of regrets it Because I said, gee, he says Oh, I forgot You're using his pin Ch'Neil

I'm sorry Tell him he can stay Because usually if you beat someone up I'm going to fight with someone One of you have, it's like the Old West one of us has got to go. Because it's a threat risk. You're going to fall asleep

and someone's going to put their balls in your face or sky your eyes out of it. I fucking know the system. It's for Andy. We watch 60 days in. It's for Andy. Andy, let me tell you something. You guys fight one of you has to go.

By the way, do they show? Do they show prison shows in prison? They absolutely do. And those prison shows are bullshit. They're absolutely bullshit. Like 60 days in. Not you getting afraid. No, that's absolutely, there's more fucking than there is.

That's a hard show to watch anymore. I don't know why it was ever, but, yeah, for fucking Andy, you used to have this great bit about, whatever, was it not locked up a brother's before that. Oh, yeah, the, yeah, it was Survivor man, right? I think it was Survivor Man. No, it's just something prison, basic prison, about the guy you jack off and you throw a spunk in a fucking guard.

Oh, yeah, webbing. right webbing oh yeah you know this guy's done it they call it dressing out when you're in the hole and you piss and shit in a cup and they don't dread wait yeah they call it what do you call that we call that

we call that sitting to pee and then ooh I shat yeah right well it's chemical warfare and they'll wait for a guard or someone to go and sling it on them I forget what the point of your bit was but everything comes back to slinging shit here so we're on

did you ever throw poop at anyone no Never threw poop at anyone. Never gunned anyone down. That's another thing in there. If you're in the hole or in level four, max, it's so bizarre. And it happens enough that there's a term for gunning down. So the nurses have to come around and pass out Twyman's, as they call them,

pills for people. Twyman? Twyman. They're psych pills. They have to come around and pass them around, right? And it's always nurses who are dressed in, like, general scrubs and stuff. So not the COs, because there's female COs there, but it's not as sexy as nurse scrubs, I guess.

And so these guys will wait, get completely naked and wait, and they'll look, because there's little slits out. They're not really bars anymore. Okay, she's coming. And they take their pants off, and they assume whatever position is there, I don't know. And then they... Hit back a little.

And wait until... And they want to make... I guess the goal is like... Ron Jeremy was famous for being able to time his load, exactly. Maybe he learned it in that. Is these guys wait? Count it down. 10, 9, 8.

Peter North. Yeah. Sorry, we're dating ourselves as a podcast. I only know porn stories. Porn people used to have names. They were real heroes. Like real celebrities.

Yeah, they weren't like a stepmother does whatever. They had a name. They weren't just a... And they had disgusting balls. They weren't just a hyphen. Then it was only like three dudes. Peter North Ron Jeremy

and Buck or something Oh man The one who died Of AIDS John Holmes John Holmes Yeah

Hey let's Raise a glass To John Holmes Yeah Yeah I have a lot in common With him He's white

John Holmes RIP Probably both got arrested for drunk driving DRIV Died in a ho of drug overdose. Well, now Andy's working towards it.

You could do it. Yeah. Oh, it's easy. You used to sketch porn for prison money. Me? Yeah, you drew pornography. Mm-hmm. No?

That was me. That was you. No. Aren't you known for being able to draw naked ladies and shit? Come on. I swear to God. There's something.

let's yeah absolutely something close no I drew I could no one could draw a clit like me and I no I know I I had dealt in I was a smut peddler all right that's what the pornography I sent you some prison porn once all right now but it wasn't drawn maybe it was so shitty it looked drawn so people porn's illegal in prison so the same shitty pornography makes its way around and someone will get a penthouse or a hustler in yeah and they'll find when it works in the law library and those Xerox. All right. And the more they Xerox it, the shittier.

It is, so you find the same series of porn. Okay, that's where I get sketched from. Yeah, you just, like, lousy fucking mimograph. Yes. If we're going to date ourselves, mimiograph paper. You remember that? No, I don't. The smell of it?

Oh, God. So, yeah, but you were a smut peddler. That's when you get moved into, is that the cube where you're, like, fucking four, six people and eight people in a cube eight people in a cube yeah fun times well they got tablets now for motivational speaking they it's all kinds of stuff so you can send jpays and stuff and someone industrious inmate figured out how to i don't know where the source material comes from but in the spots of these little files i'm really ratting on these guys but this is true this is true leave them alone this should be you should allow porn in there i mean come on

I would, I thought, yeah, I would think that that would be a big part of life in prison. There are sex, they're just an auto suck, just stick your dick in a fucking a hole. I'm sorry, I was going to beat up the fucking twin-eyed kid, but no, I stuck my dick in the thing and I'm okay now. I think I'm going to go take a nap. There are, they have certain units with the sex offenders that they go there. And it's not all sex offenders because I had a buddy that did too much method. and stayed up for weeks and passed out right in front of the cops. And so they had to send him to the medical.

And then it was late at night. So they had to just find the first open bunk. And it was in the, we could call it the chomo unit. And he went over there and they said, they treated me like a king. Because he wasn't a chomo. And they said, do you need to use his phone? You know what I mean? Do you need to use the microwave?

Let me take this out. You just go ahead. Shomo is child molester. And, yeah, I don't remember what I was talking about. The sex offender thing always bothered me because there's so many people that, okay, in Bisbee, there was a guy, they have the ghost tours and fucking everyone with any decency hates the fucking, any town that has a ghost tour is just dying on the vine. We have nothing else. How about a ghost tour? So some cranky fucking guy mooned the ghost tour

and then they tried to say you're a sex offender because there were children on the ghost tour that you mooned from the bar across the street which fortunately didn't stick but not enough people stuck up for him because he was a dickhead too. That's a lot of the problem. They were also an asshole.

Yeah, fortunately. So every time I hear like sex offender, I think of one of those stories where you're like, some poor fuck is going to be living under a bridge because he hates fucking tourists and kids. Yeah. So yeah, the Chomo thing, you go, how do you like, because you find out what someone's in for. Yeah. So how do you vet it? So here's the thing, right?

So you would think a prison system, they want to get rid of what we call pressing or squeezing, extorting people for their crimes, right? Like sex offenders are on the bottom, any sex offense, not just kids. But then there's levels to that, right? So we call it running their paperwork. So if someone's your bunkie, I need to see your paperwork or what are you in here for. But it doesn't make sense because if someone looks like me and they have tattoos, they don't really ask. you but if you're like a if you look like Kevin's neighbor they would run the paperwork but what the prison system does to make it even harder for these guys

is they put your door card with your stupid face and your number right on it and that's all you need to look them up on the thing so people who are looking to extort people they write down lists looking at the door cards this guy looks like Andy andriss or whatever just a white dude you know what I'm saying the guy who doesn't look like they'd be in in prison. They write it down. Who looks like more of a chomo, me or Andy, if we're in prison? Because you do. If you go to notes from the pen.com, you do have who would survive the longest of, you have a, oh, comedians in prison? Comedians in prison. Oh yeah, yeah. I did a comedian's prison where I rate, I think it's like 120 comedians, how they would do if they

went to prison, not always great. You two don't, you look like two different kinds of chomos. Andy looks like a professorial guy who was like flying under the radar and I had a cubie who had who had a case he coached track

in high school and he didn't he caught a CSC for so he's like the Olympic Olympic coach I do like track ladies yeah and but listen to this guy this guy's such a he didn't fuck this girl

he was dropping her off after a track meet and ate her pussy, which I think should be a reduced sentence. You know what I mean? That's not like, he didn't penetrate or anything. And he was there, and he looked,

he didn't look like you, but he was like, you could tell he wasn't like a meth smoking dude who, you know what I mean? And Doug looks more like, if he was one. Uncle fucker.

More like a gritty, you know what I mean? They would squeeze Andy more, though, because, you know, the glasses and he looks more like, he's probably got someone looking out for someone who loves himself. Right.

He's got money, yeah. He's got money. And he's still got tenure because, you know, you can't just. Those goddamn socks would have been in the India. Can I take these with me? These were purchased in Australia. What kind of socks do you have? Not even the socks we bought him.

We bought him all this goodwill stuff. He didn't like any of it. I wore their captain's hat. Oh, they're captain's hats. No, show him the shorts. You're wearing the shorts. Oh Who doesn't know if they had a like a hot tub here that you guys might pair off in?

There's a pool up there Yeah, put her pussy right up against the thing and filter and blow it out Yeah, get it out of Marinara sauce It's just clean for a minute Are those supposed to be swim trunks? I don't know, yeah They would have been if there was some warm

Yeah They're nice, I like you're wearing them. I don't know that they washed out. We're going through fucking Goodwill shopping for you like it's like that scene from pretty woman without you there and she's like, get on this. She's, yeah, bingo's thrown. J.D. was no better than me. J.D. did get you.

I got some nice stuff though. The T-shirts. I like the T-shirts a lot. As you can tell. No, I do. I wore one to bed last night. We've only had to be. We had to throw it away.

That's ridiculous. I had to tear the sleeves off of it? Jesus. We just got this. Oh, this one. You had to tear the sleeves off of it. What were you fissing her? Were you inseminating her like a cow?

Oh, now you got blood on my short sleeve. You're not getting pregnant on my arm. This one finds $400 in the coat. Bingo on that trip. She left her fucking half. her shit in a closet in Midland, Michigan. Her faux fur coat, her fucking converse, high top, high topy wrestling fucking boots. So she needs a coat. It's fucking freezing now. And she buys this new orange coat. I go, that's perfect. This pea coat. I tried it on in the goodwill.

stuck my hand in the pocket, and I'm like, oh, they're cash in here. That's great, Will. There's some money in the pocket. And I knew it was a lot, but I didn't know what. Did you leave it in there? Yeah. I just said I'm buying this coat. It's a promo move.

Well, she started to tell me as they're checking out. But I knew it was a lot. And I told her, shut up. Wait till we're on camera to pull it out and count it. Don't pull it out here while we're paying. And, yeah, $397. Yeah. And the orange shirt.

Wasn't that my coat? You're not going to... Well, you didn't be checked the pocket to what they got. I said something about... Yeah, right. No, I didn't. Let me listen. I said something about chucking something towards Bobby.

And she goes, why, after I do all this hard work? Are you trying to take my money right back away from me? You didn't say anything about Bobby. You didn't... It was something, whatever it was. chucking something towards something and you go, what? The joke was that you were saying

I do all this hard work to make this money and you're trying to take it away from me. No, I just said I'm keeping this and you said I could have it. All right. You could replay the tape of what you were saying. The point is you were saying I do all this hard work

was the joke that you made. It's a joke that you made, Bingo, that was funny. Why are you fighting with me? I'm not fighting with you. See, this is how it goes, Bobby. go back into the fucking pen. I'm out of here.

You're doing a lot of costume changes. Well, I felt, I realized, like you guys are, like, you guys are buff. Like, you guys are, uh, we got the sweatshirts on, and I'm sitting here in a white beater. I'm a little warm, but it looks like,

oh, this guy's trying to look like the prison guy. Oh, no, we're so cut that we try to dress it down. You look like a, you look at a Joe Rogan that fucking wears, okay, You're a massively built man, and you wear a child small t-shirt. And we don't want to be like that. We're as ripped as any of those testosterone heroes. I got ripped during the Whipple.

Whipple surgery is that cancer surgery, he mentions here and again. Who was the guy who was at the, well, was it the CIA, the guy you stayed with We had the surgical photos he was sent, and he goes, oh, yeah, that's a bad one that I had. Yeah, he showed us a couple pictures last night. Long story, we'll catch you up after that. He was a gigantic dude. Let's cut towards the end. Bobby, what are your plans for the future?

Are you going to be the best Bobby you can be? It's a low bar. I'll shoot for it. I think, I don't know, nothing I say is going to be interesting. Nothing I say is going to be interesting. This is what I want to do. When we first, like the first little, last night I had a closer, it was a half-closure, and I bailed on it because I had a good laugh,

and I'm like, I'm going to get out now. You know what I mean? I mean, get out, enjoy the, we'll get to watch these guys. And it was about our first trio creative collab. I don't know if you remember it. It was the, we were, I read, this is not fame, and in it there's a story about you, is this like off-limit? You're getting...

It's in a book. It's in a book. It should be in a movie, but I'll still work on it. So for those you that don't know, I'm reading it in there. And Andy got... Maybe hatchet books will say, that's a copyright infringement. You cannot talk about what's in the book.

Kind of like they used to say on Monday Night Football. Any rebroadcasts, reproduction, or commentary about this without the express written consent. I can never figure out the angle on that of how he... you know, how you could make money by stealing their broadcasts, but just a bar and some shit. Anyway, so, yeah, there's it. You set it up.

What happened with Andy out there? No, no, go. So there's a bit, there's a bit in the book. It's wildly, more wildly inappropriate than me opening for you guys was Andy was molested by a neighborhood dude. No, he was a handicapped. A handicapped veteran. Yours was handicapped, too.

What is happening? I know. The scourge of child molestation is by a marvellous handicapped people? Yeah, why did you walk away? Oh, my God. Andy's best known bits is how he was molested by a handicapped guy. Who promised him a car? You thought the hand?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it's a guy couldn't drive. So when you went out. He did, he had a hand control. It was a scooter. Not over my hand braces. He said he had hand braces. He goes so.

He's physically handicapped. Yeah, yeah. Same thing. No, but the point is the fact that you didn't know that and went out and did the exact same premise of one of Andy's best known bits. You know what I mean? No, his act. No, but listen.

So the real, one of the closures of that bit, which I also was molested by mentally handicapped. No, I mean, you know, I don't own it. I mean, I do. Well, listen, so, so I was like, I didn't. He owns that he was asking for, but I don't own it exclusively. I can tell my story. I can tell my truth. Yeah, yeah.

I can tell my truth. No, no, it's my truth. So at the, so. I had it before you. I didn't, like, right before I got locked up, I was listening to a podcast where Bobby Lee was on there. And he told an eerily similar story where there was a mentally, I think even Down syndrome. They're into Asian guy.

Right. So he said, one of their own. So he tells his story, right? And he says, this is a difference. Mine was to go play a Nintendo. That's why I kept going over there to play Nintendo. It was new with the 80s. He kept going over there.

This guy had a tree house and he would get. Bobby Lee Candy, right? And I heard the story and I go, I'm not going to be able to tell my story. It's exactly the same and it looks like I just changed just enough. And it made me think, I don't know the Korean side of my family. And it made me think, is this what Korean kids do? Do we like scope out well-to-do mentally feeble people and honey trap them for Nintendo and candy? I didn't know yours was. So Paul Preventa is making a documentary or or whatever the fuck I yeah about this about my thing and uh and at the same same time he's making that we're hearing oh bobcat coltway's doing a story on barry krimmins it's it sounds very similar

and it's like well let's just kill it then and it's that barry krimmins's movie came out 10 years ago and barry wrote a little wave of success and then died since then paul's still working on it so i figure i are did we just crack the code of like how you create a comedian? Are there mentally handicapped guys just molesting people in the comedy? There's more... Very criminal. There's more channels. Yeah, that old story.

Yeah, yeah, Catholic. That wasn't his fault. Ours, we have a little culpability because the guy was slow, you know what I mean? You could have got away from him. Oh, no, yeah, he had handbraises. Right, you could have got away from him. Yeah, it was complicit. Yeah, I had to weigh on you a little bit. Oh, I did. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't have eaten him with a stick. So the, so the thing was, I read that and I thought

immediately like would you have like an absurd sense of humor and anything goes you like immediately bond with the person if you never met him so we were this is when I was on Twitter still a little more and I don't know I tweeted something like you were lucky I wasn't there

because the whole point was he was promised a car you hired a film crew to go confront this guy no he hired you didn't he had such a cockamamie plan that I actually canceled a fucking a big event in my life to go, like, he's going to fuck this up so bad. He was going to swim across a fucking lake in Florida

on a golf course full of alligators with a camera guy swimming one-handed like this. Oh, yeah, I mean. He denied it. He said, no. Oh, yeah. That was his B-plan. That was his B-plan.

That was his B-plan. I was going to dress up in a scout outfit. Yeah. One of them, you know, he asked me to bring that outfit one time. And then have a sign-off. premeditated? It was a gated community. Your neighbor molested me, asked me how,

so I was going to just stand out of his gate. Like with a sandwich board. He was going to stand in front of the gated community. But if he couldn't get into the gated community, who's going to swim across the fucking lake to get in where it's not gated, the golf course pond? You guys made something up about the daughter? I did.

I'm the fucking idea, man. You're the idea, man. He wants credit. Give him fucking credit. My idea was he used to videotape a football team and one of those players played for anyway. Oh, no, finish it. Finish it. So John Pei replaced John Elway.

This is going to go fucking nowhere. And he had footage of John Pay and the guy who replaced Andrew Luck went through the same thing replacing the legend. So the idea was to say that anyway. Yeah. This guy was like, it doesn't get the reference. Matt, you don't know the John Pay thing remember the guys the guy you guys show up there somehow right

you guys got to build up Warner Football the cops are with the guy right there's a cop he brought a cop his wife and his wife showed up afterwards a little bit they all they were together all hobbled in together all right so yeah the cop is there because I

told him I was a private investigator that had information about his daughter that I don't want to share over the phone I'm right at the hotel outside of your gated community, right here at the holiday end, whatever the fuck it was. Sam Sneed's bar. Yeah. Wow. He remembers the weirdest shit. I don't remember the hotel but... The hotel bar. So he was suspicious, so he had the cop come with him and we had his camera guy had the camera set up out on the patio. And you guys kind of front, like to catch a predator

like an early action. Exactly. And at first like the cop was on the car. And the car. And the The cop said to me, well, you know what, we're not going to give away the whole fucking thing. Wait, is it already out there? No, no, no. Not yet. It's, uh, Oh, yeah, we put out the clip.

We went to, oh, yeah, we put the clip out. We don't need to give it away. We don't have to give it away. I think, I think we're revealing too much. No, treading old turf that's already. Well, this isn't even, like, I can get to the point without getting it into it. But I read it and was like, just tweeted something. You were getting to the.

fact that you get into a beef about who is more molestable now that we're I'm a competitive guy so I read this and I tell Andy listen you're lucky I wasn't there because it was the 80s Asian kids you know the short round

and all that shit I said I would have got the car and you would have just been some nobody you know what I mean without the anyways I went around I grabbed the picture of you from the book as a child and went and all the shows would there are the sexual,

but whatever, I don't know, I'm not completely correct to the chomas. Oh, you actually cut the picture out of Doug and just would go by and sit because it was like, the guys were going up to these. You actually asked fucking child molesters who they'd pick? No, no, no, no, no, no.

I took your picture as a kid and just would saddle up next to these guys and we'd be watching, I don't know, locked up or whatever the hell it was, you know, toddlers and tears, and I would go, would you and it's just him with his like little kid and they all just got mad they didn't you know they weren't interested i hate to crush you like that guy in right so so when we went to

twitter and you like a real champ took the challenge and sent and i said let's do mama C well let's do a world's most fuckable kid survey because you could do surveys on Twitter it was like a newer thing so it took some convincing she's like like, why? Why? I'm your mother. I said exactly, put it on there. Right? So Andy submits his photo. Like it's a glamour shot. He picks, do you remember which one you picked? In the scout outfit? Scout outfit with one of those flat paper hats from the 20s. Oh, okay, that one. Yeah, that was, yeah, I got dolled up a lot. Yeah, so he sends that in. He still jerks off to that picture. He sends that in. This is when he was his heyday. He looks at it like an old war hero

looks at his football days. Look at them. Look at them, huh? So I send mine in, and you let off with the Boy Scout, so I sent a Boy Scout on him. And we had a survey. And I don't, maybe I'm just saying this. I won.

I won the most fuggable. You had to have something to hold on to it. Yeah, I was in prison. I don't know if you rigged it or whatever. But I won the most fuckable kid competition. And you know what? In the comments. I'd like you to say

he's won again he's retained his title They made some arrests from the people who were voting, I think They went and investigated those guys And they ended up on a list somewhere Yeah, that list doesn't exist Yeah, okay

There are no pedophiles on the high level And we did We did two private gigs On Epstein Island And they paid okay But we didn't see any kids He did he didn't pay us No, but oh my God

the baby oil that's in that fucking gift bag we have for you. My point is this wasn't our first creative collab. We once hit Twitter with the World's Most Fuggable Kid, which I'm proud of, very proud of that, you know what I mean, really adding something to the culture, you know what I mean? Where do you find out what they've done to Twitter? This is what I was doing in prison, by the way. This is what, you know.

Yeah, we're just here to poach your Patreon people because you say you're not bringing your podcast back for at least a month while you assimilate. Well, I assimilate. So, yeah, we're just trying to poach all your Patreon people saying that. It's all right. Most of the Patreon people I got are from being on your show, being on your show while this guy gets drunk off prison hooch, another milestone.

That was a fun episode. So how long are you stuck in fucking Michigan? Because it was beautiful, literally, till the moment you get out. It was the fucking 80s, sunny, and the day we picked you up, it was fucking freezing cold and raining and shit, and it's been fucking freezing since. I don't know. If I stay put, it's two years, I think, but I can transfer for work or, you know, to another parole to another state, maybe Arizona, I don't know, somewhere. So, but two years is like, if I. Minimum.

No, maximum. maximum oh all right maximum if i stay here so how much is weather affect your day to day like if it's shitty weather you're confined indoor obviously in prison yeah i have a fucking note in my notebook when we're talking about you know because we're saying like people say oh talking about the weather like that's not no it fucking controls your entire day yeah it's a big thing in prison you never turned into a bit but they are they use it a lot to shut the the yard down because the cops don't have to stand on their work so they see lightning everybody go inside yeah like the dolphins game they have to do these things where if it's too cold or too

hot they shut it down right and at first you get mad they're just trying to control us but no it's because we're stupid and when it's freezing out there's a guy out there and just socks and shorts getting frost by it you know what i mean you probably enjoy it more or appreciate it more of when you can stare at it the sky or whatever when it's clear yeah or you know all kinds of weather when you can experience it but you know like Stanhope won't go down to the shop down there if it's cold whatever and I'm walking the golf course and it's cold or whatever but I just enjoy being out well that picture of you guys we got see you guys standing out there on the vista I don't know if I that was beautiful out there by the rest of the gate modern gay magazine 60 and gay

Did you ever meet anyone in your entire 12 years that you thought of as an actual peer intellectually? Yeah, my buddy Justin Monson, who published a book. Oh, I know, Justin. Yeah, you do. He won the Chicago Book Award, I think. He's doing real great. I left him behind.

He's headlining this podcast. They're waiting for him to get out. The bitch me. But, yeah, he's a. I felt bad leaving him. I got a text message from his wife that said they're playing The Sopranos on the movie channel in there. And he, we lock mirror image.

He locks right there on the other side of the cube bottom bunk. And so we'll talk back and forth about shit, film, whatever. And he's bummed out because they put the new disc in of the Sopranos, which he's still waiting to see what happens. You know what I mean? And I love them, miss him. I don't know. Because I already asked you are the people you're going to keep in touch with.

and you said absolutely but are there people that said they were going to keep in touch with you that you thought they would and they trailed off yeah absolutely and their names are i don't yeah there are people stocks them yeah there there are there are people but um i don't well can you travel like could you come to bizby to hang out work you you can't take vacations It doesn't make any fucking sense why people would want to keep felons, ex-felons in their state. You can't leave here. They should be a free travel thing. They should pay for travel.

Yeah. There's a free plane ticket one way. Right. Whatever you want. They would do that with homeless people. They'd bust them to another fucking state. Why would you want to keep your felons? It's fucking ridiculous.

You guys want to keep me. We can't lose Bobby. You guys want to keep me? No, I'm saying it. He has a show. I got no loyalty to this state. He's got a podcast. Okay, so like, isn't the new thing?

So they give you a prison ID when you get out, right? Your profile, he took a profile picture of you on stage, and you look incredibly Mexican. I got a shave, if I shave the facial hair, I go back to, so here's, like the regular state ID, right? Here's the post-released prison ID. And isn't the real ID thing? You know, the real ID, like verification is so you don't get deported, right? I don't know. That's what it is.

It's like, right? I don't know. I don't know what it's for. Yeah, exactly. You have no. So this one says, this is a state identification guard. Read that. Not for federal real ID verification purpose.

Yeah, you have to get a real ID. You go down to the fucking. But look at this guy. Like you said, this guy, you think I'm not going to get deported if they pull me over? I swear I was born here. I don't speak Spanish. I'm not Spanish. Yeah, maybe shave the,

fucking little sneaky man mustache. But in prison, you know, if you don't have facial hair, it means one of two things, that you're a predator and you're looking for a boy, or you're a boy open to a predator. And it was tough for me when I first came in

because this is 12 years of hard willpower of facial hair. And it's all I got. That looks like 12 year old pussy hair. Right. If I turned your head sideways and and it sticks out your teeth. It sticks. I grow horizontal facial hair. It's a stick straight out, straight out.

But, yeah, when I first came in, I was like, wait, you have to have facial. What if you can't grow it? Magic Margarie. Right on there, they leave you alone. We're thinking about getting ink. You have your recommendations. I got most of my tattoos beforehand, and like a real douche, I used to say, I've never been to prison. That's not what this is.

I knew that I was in prison. I knew this because. when you talk about you got 86th from a bar in Lauderdale or something. And the Keys. Keys. And you went back years later and they go, you're fucking 86th. So when he asked me, did he get all those tattoos in prison? I go, it must be beforehand because they don't recognize you for your beautiful eyes five years later.

I forgot you had a Florida connection, so of course you were heavily tatted. It was the fifth bar. We went down to the Keys after I'd been away for five years. And I was with Monica, and she said, we kept getting kicked out of bars. And on the fourth, and she said, what the fuck is? Like, it's been five years. She thought the stories I would tell about being Xanaxed out and poisoning people. Like, it was an absurd place.

And so we finally get kicked out of the last bar. And she's had enough. And she tells the bouncer, what the fuck did he do five years ago? He says, he pulled a switch blade on me. Now, that's bullshit. I never had a switchblade. I had a butterfly knife. But I didn't pull it on the prick.

I found a phone in the bathroom and was X-D-Xed out and went, this must be mine now. And then put it in there. And then I got pummeled, I think, by the bouncers on the way out. You know, someone was like, I lost my phone. And I was like, hey, anybody? And they booted me from then. They remembered.

I also got barred out. Duval Street's really small and he was. Oh, yeah. And I was. Have you ever been barred out? And I was a client. I mean, not a, not at a bar. Oh, no, but Xanaxed out?

Zanix bar now. You have for sure. We Zanix to sleep. Yeah. I go to sleep, but I wake up somewhere else in the Sears garden section of sleep, which is real, a real thing. I know, I knew when to get up when I hear the employees pulling up and start unlocking the chain up. I get out of the plastic lawn chair. It's time to go.

Time to get out of here. Have you ever done a, uh, uh, prescription drug that was actually prescribed to you? Oh, they were all prescribed. I'm from Florida. Oh, that's right. Yeah, the whole Rush Limbaugh days. Yeah.

Rest in peace. There were some Limbaugh fans there last night. Yeah, yeah. I walk a... I just mentioned Charlie Kirk and the fact that that's why I don't work outdoors. Holy shit. This guy's doing Charlie Kirk bits.

No, it was just I'm acknowledging his passing. No, but it was tasteful. It was tasteful. No, really, well, like, he threaded the needle, and I was like. Like that guy threaded the needle getting that bullet thrown. All right, relax. I don't know this guy.

Whoever, whoever did it. I can't wait to, uh, I love that guy. I can't wait to, uh, I want to get you on as often as we can to just watch you assimilate. Because we were talking about all the things We're going to do a whole running bit about Oh, after 12 years, you're not going to believe what's changed and then just do all this shit Like iPhone puts out a new iPhone every year

Oh wait, that's not Yeah, no That would be, prison would be Well, I don't know There's discord in the Middle East Well, I'm just Prison would be better, was that what you? If you just were cut off from everything

That's probably fascism For a bit, right? So you could do a bit later And cut them off from everything Because it's not like you're waking up from a coma You're aware of everything going on It's even worse But I'm saying the point is so much

Is exactly the fucking same We were trying to come up with the Oh yeah there's a upset in the Middle East now The new band was just putting out new records And the Beatles just came to America Well it seems like you know You're hoping for 12 years to just you remember The society you left and you're like

Just let me back out that can't wait And then slowly over the last four or five years, it's become more, you know, authoritarian. Like, hang on, hang on. Wait, so now when I reply to a text, they know I reply? I read it? Right. Like, that would be a thing. It's the same thing you fumble with.

It's just knowing new technology. Just little fucking things. Bobby don't have it figured out in probably a month. I'm Asian and part Asian. Yeah, yeah. He's probably already, he's hook into the main computers right now. I texted my mom some really inappropriate shit. let's remind everyone earlier today so you need to you need to have some some somebody who's

been on the grid for the last 12 years yeah but Asian not into I have Asian in me no like a oh you did earlier three well 12 seconds until you yank out that rag sorry that was gross all right um I think uh We're going to wrap up. That was a fresh one to end on. Slinging the pineapple into the wall. It's a callback. Yep.

That's what we call a callback in the business. We have a signature outro for this podcast. If she's there, bingo. Hey, take us out of this podcast. All right, closing it out now. Thanks for hanging out, and we'll catch you next time. Okay, bye-bye now. Bye-bye.

I should do it. No, you're supposed to say it. Okay, bye-bye now. Oh, got it, got it. All right, here we go. Okay, bye-bye now. Hey, AI's going to save the fucking world. Are you feeling you're on.

Are we wrapped? Yeah, well, we haven't clapped. Let's clap. Let me do it with you. All right, I have no idea where this would end, except for right here. Bobby, there is no better fucking day of our entire tour

than being able to be there with you this morning and tonight. Andy Andrews, Bobby C.