The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Full show - Perth 2014

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

AustralianAlex here, back going through my old computer in Australia and I found the original WAV recordings of the first tour I did with Doug. This one Perth show has always stood out to me as special. Not for all of the things that went right, but for all the things that could've gone wrong. This was our second night at this Perth venue and our second-last show of the tour. The night before, as Doug explains, was a nightmare. The venue was a month away from closing, which meant they didn't care about Doug smoking upstairs, but it also meant the one and only greying German ex-pat security guard was more into his leather jacket and chatting outside than actually keeping an eye on the room. So when it came time to kick out the entire front row, it was just me, Doug and the line "Don't make me turn the whole crowd into the bouncer!". So this second show comes around. Venue and security have been chewed out earlier, first opener is up, but Doug is furious because a local "comic" posted his entire set-list, in detail, from the night before. He's smoking in the upstairs greenroom and can't hear the show which has started below. As the first opener is doing her set, something odd has started to happen. The comedian tells her joke, the crowd laughs, and then a second or two later another laugh/moan follows that interrupts the start of the next joke. Amongst the crowd I see a disabled gentleman sitting in a full-size recumbent-style bicycle, flag pointing up in the air and all. Most of the crowd can't see the man, so after every delayed laugh - a large proportion of the crowd is looking around to try and work out what is happening. The first comedian comes off stage and I pull her aside immediately to get her response. She tells me "oh yeah, he's a local comedy fan... you just have to ignore it". The 2nd opener is ignoring the awkwardness too. I quickly speak with Bingo and we approach Doug upstairs. "Don't tell me, I'll deal with it on stage!" he says, thinking that maybe the front row from last night has turned up. We don't get to explain the situation. What follows is a masterclass in standup. Not only does our man have to completely rearrange his set to bring the 'Camp 1 vs Camp 2' material up sooner, but he addresses the man in the tricycle (maybe for the first time at a show?), makes him the star and uses his laughs and noises as segues and fodder.  Lots of great bits in this. -Australian Alex F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code STANHOPE15 at http://theperfectjean.nyc/STANHOPE15 #theperfectjeanpod #ad If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE #indacloudpod  

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Not NYC or Google the perfect gene and use code Stanhope 15 for 15% off. That's 15% off at free shipping for new customers at the perfect gene. Dot NYC with promo code Stanhope 15. See, I told you you're going to love it. That's Ben Sutton and Sean Choice. Give them a round of a lot. All right. Maybe tonight it'll be good. Honestly,

Byron Bay, Brisbane, Adelaide, Canberra, Sydney here. This is my favorite town that we played in Australia. It's not good for business. I wouldn't just tell you that, Because I like, when I hate it, that's an easy 10 minutes off the top of trashing the town. But I liked it here, except for like five people last night. So, yeah, your lack of enthusiasm is really...

I'm serious. The less enthused you are, the better I think the night might go. I had to fucking throw out the whole front row, and then I go, hey, come on up and replace these chairs. Because these fucking douchebags are filming me and talking to themselves like we're at a fucking wedding or something.

Like there's nothing going on. And then I throw them out and it was difficult. And then the people that took their chairs, the one guy took the same chair as the guy that was filming me and started filming me. And was befuddled as to why he was being thrown out. Oh, I'm a big fan. If you guys are listening, Ben and Sean,

my least favorite comic in Australia is a local douche cunt that I want to set on fire. I woke up just like, I want to fucking bash this guy's face and I don't know him, but like the fight club scene where Jared Lido gets his face

pounded in by, I just wanted to destroy something beautiful. This fucking cunties. comedian Jeff Hewitt. Yeah! Do you fucking know this guy? He fucking put on Facebook my entire

set list. He wrote it out beat for beat. He actually mentioned at that point he pulled out his reading glasses. I woke up in such a fucking rage today.

Yeah, he's doing a show somewhere tonight. I wanted to fucking cancel this show and go to his show. Learn his dumb punchlines. I don't know. I saw he was listed as the emcee for this dumb show somewhere else. And he goes, he's been crushing it for 10 years. Oh, and you're still emceeing? You're probably not crushing it.

He wrote out, and he was trying to be nice. So if there's anyone who's writing out my entire set list, Jeff Hewitt is what I'm. I started with and I'll continue to call back to like I was gonna write to him I didn't want to acknowledge him at all I was so furious like what comic would do that to another comic and just write to him hey I'm gonna go see gone girl tonight could you give me every plot point throughout the movie so there's no surprises whatsoever do you understand comedy is magic without the to da da da I say the same shit every night

It just sounds like it's fucking off the top of your head, but it's not. That's how you craft it to make it sound spontaneous. Unless some cunt like Jeff Hewitt, some fucking zero gives me something new to say. This is the nerdyest thing I've ever done, but I wrote out Doug Stanhope's entire set list because look at all the topics he covers. Yeah, except you, now you. You have fucking no idea.

You will never make it. Every time I do an interview, they say, what advice would you have for new comics? And you always do the rote. You know, keep at it and write every day and get as much stage time as you can. When, in all actuality, 99.15% of comedians that start out

suck shit and will never do anything but waste your time. So, and I'm out there saying, stick with it, clog up that stage every fucking night with your lack of wit. Has anyone ever told you you're funny? Ever, in the workplace and your family. Has anyone encouraged this behavior? Because you're a...

He might be a good guy. I don't know. Well, what fucking comic of 10 years would just tell you, hey, this is... What are you fucking... Raise your goddamn hand because I read there were nine comments and that's why I go, I'm taking this way too seriously because no one reads his fucking Facebook. But in my head, I'm panicked that you're all going to come in with a play bill.

And the second act starts with... But one guy said, oh, I'm going to enjoy the Wednesday show. No, you won't. Because you're going to see you coming. No, but one guy that's at this show that comments, commented on the thing on his Facebook said, I'm gonna be at the Wednesday show. I'm fucking...

That one in the spotlight, he don't look right. Get him up against the wall. Where are you? Who are you? Fuck Jeff Newitt. Tell him Jeff Newt. He can put that on his resume, on his bio. Doug stand up says,

fuck that fucking loser, cunt. I enjoy this town because I have not really gone out in it. But it's nice. I did walk around for like 30 minutes today and found nothing, but it was nice. Looks nice. I don't see nothing. I see bars, airport bars and hotel bars, and occasionally another bar. And I don't drink with you because I don't know what the hell you want from me. Sometimes you go to a town and you go, the show is not enough. Do you know how fucked up you are as a fan base?

Like my audience are, you all hate each other too. That's a great thing. It's not just that you come to enjoy my hate and it brings those together. You just hate stuff and then you hate each other and everyone tweets, oh, I'm sorry about the douche,

Well, you were probably one of them. Those other people you're talking about, hey, did you? You got to film it? You got to fucking... I'd hang out after the show, but it turns into three hours of pictures. I've been doing comedy since before phones had cameras.

And you could actually talk. You'd go out, yeah, I'll go out and hang out with people, and then it's just, I don't know how to work it. Hang out, one more. Did you mind if we do one more? And it's three hours of me. I'm a fucking drunk man. I need to be at the bar.

I don't mind talking shit with you, but is it... I have to... Hang on, get one with my friend, and then we get my friend with my friend. We're gonna do it the long way. And shut your fucking, let's have a drink. Don't worry, I'll get into my shit. Just have to vent

the fact away my bowels of some... I miss just hanging out. You do show and then you hang out and cheap people go, I thought you're funny, I'll drink with you. Now people who don't even think you're funny still want a picture. Is that the fucking problem? You guys have set me up. Yeah, that's you.

In a headspace. So bingo, my girlfriend and my manager. She goes, did you tell him? And he goes, no. She goes, no, I didn't tell him. And she said, should I tell you? Because she knows not to fuck with my head. If I'm trying to put a set together, which I did not.

After last night, fuck you. You get whatever I'm thinking. To prepared material, but it. And then she's, it's your laugh, sir. That's how I meant my girlfriend. A long story. How fucked up are you? Let me scope this out.

Is it fucking CP? What do you got? Yeah, it's fucking your guy. I don't know if this is too hard to fucking work out. When I met Bingo in 1999, 2000, before we were together, I met her after a show, and she took care of a guy, what's the name? Dennis or fucking Donnie? Donnie. Don. And she brought him to a comedy show, and he was... basically

Helen Keller fucked up cerebral palsy and he couldn't and he would do, he'd laugh like that, your timing is fine if you can even hear me, I don't know how fucked you are but that guy was

he was really fucked but he would enjoy just being around laughter I have no idea your story and it's obvious that you can't really communicate quickly I'm not fucking with you but she brought him to the show

and he would do that but you'd just be in the set up to a bit and you'd go I don't know if you've ever traveled by Amtrak and you'd get nah

and then everyone looks at the guy and then they look at you like how are you going to deal with this understand anything that was going on he just saw other people laughing and was amused by that And she didn't care that it fucked up the entire show. I didn't have the chops that I have now back then.

But it's turned into ten years together. So you're like Cupid, sir. You are a fucking purse. Sorry, I put you on the spot to throw those guys out, but what if I, like, fuck you, man. Get that guy out of your evening. And that's a badass fucking chopper kind of bicycle because she had the fucking, you know,

Herkler high-back chair thing. There was no fucking style going on with her guy. You got some kind of weird chopper. You just made my night better. That's the first legitimate smile I've had because of you. I don't want to change the whole thing up, but I'm not gonna fucking get to dark stuff. I'm just gonna go, I'm gonna go this way and we're fucking backtracked through the whole set list. It has to be...

It has to be addressed up front and it's already in the fucking set. So let's try to recapitulate. Bingo! She's mentally ill. She has bipolar, schizoaffective. This actually works out perfectly the way it's seated. So I'm doing a whole lot of editing right now. You see, see this, that's a set list. Unlike the one that was on Facebook,

that was actually more detailed, that's a set list. And now I'm trying to move this here, figuring out how to move that, back here, and then that would have to go there. This is why Robin Williams killed himself, sir, as he was like, you know what, my improv skills, I'm known for them,

but I can't handle the guy in the chopper. Wheelchair chopper. It sounds like he's chewing the best corn on the cob of his life every time The copra Williams Robert Williams sent an email I did an episode of the Louis show

Louis C.K. I had to play a drunken, washed up shit bag, alcoholic comedian that was gonna go commit suicide. It was a stretch. I had to follow a guy around like that to really find out how the mind of that guy works I had to get into the character anyway there's a true story Robin Williams sent an email to Louis C.K. that he forwarded to me so I

could see the compliment. Robin Williams said that the Doug Stanhope episode was the most powerful dialogue on the subject of suicide that I've ever seen on television so I like to I think that I influenced the great Robin Williams in the later stages of his career. Much like I did a whole bit about incentive-based eugenics last week. It's fucking, turns out India is doing it. I don't know if you saw the story. Eleven women died from unsterilized, but it was during an incentive-based eugenics project where they're paying Indian chicks $10 to get.

10 bucks to get their shit tied up. Maybe I am reaching people. I said. There was one today. I can't fucking remember what it was. It's another one. My last special closed on a gratuitous nine-minute bit about interracial gay rape on the NFL field.

And all of a sudden, that special drops our first NFL player, gay NFL player, comes into the draft, not even pro yet, comes out of the closet. Gay linebacker in the NFL is just underneath as cool as gay UFC fighter would probably be the top of the charts as fucking cool, gay, fucking kicking your ass.

Gay linebacker close enough. And I don't know, I know that I've had, audience is about gay sports things here and you have a swimmer and that doesn't count. I'm talking about fucking rough house and kind of sports. Where you go that's... It all boiled down... It was a scandal for a minute where he's gay and they're gonna draft him and how will he be drafted it. It all boiled down to this weird locker room scenario where they go,

well how are you gonna feel if you have a gay guy in the shower with you at to the gay, like you have to shower with this dude knowing he's gay. Like how, are you gonna be comfortable with that? Do you have a job? What do you do? IT, that's a technical computer, whatever, it doesn't matter. I don't do crowd rap. I find it, I like it for this bit. How would you feel at the end of the day when you punch out,

you clock out, and you got into the showers at your fucking IT place, knowing another guy that you fucking hit keys with is a queer. Like how... My point is one other profession on the planet that people

shower together and that's not fucking weird. It doesn't matter what sex or sexuality. Like you're fucking... Nobody showers together except in boot camp in the military. And that's just to dehumanize you

and break your spirits. Who fucking showers together? That's the creepiest thing in the world. On any pay level, and these are the richest fucking guys on the planet. Professional athletes, you've got multi-million. You have private jets, but you don't have private showers, and you don't even consider that might be a thing that you should have.

There's fucking Congress break, and they all jump in a Turkish bath and start slapping dicks and snap. Who does that? That doesn't question, maybe I should get some Home Depot privacy stalls and a target shower curtain. Do you take dumps together as well? Is that a normal thing? Just sit in a trough with no privacy whatsoever.

We just take it dumps together. How you do? Let me get you. I'll get you. You get me. Yeah, mine doesn't go this way real well. I can get you. Gay porn stuff. gay porn stars, when they get done gay porning,

they shower alone, they're not animals. You're off that bodily fluid weeping out of them. They do that by themselves. Yeah, you fucking get very hetero and fucking shower together after your fucking million dollar paycheck. I came out of the closet on my last special. you saw it you probably didn't but you get Netflix in 2015 so maybe you'll catch up

on all the fucking hideous things that have happened in my life in 24 years that led me here and everything you watch on Netflix will be a prequel to the disaster that happened here tonight you'll finally I came out of the closet just trying to get some of that you know disposable income crowd in here rather than the broke motherfucking school shooters I get? Nobody bought it.

So now I'm coming out as transgendered. That's a new popular thing. No one believed I was gay, so now I'm going with transgendered. First of all, transgender does not engage any kind of sexual imagery. If you go, oh, I'm a homosexual,

then you picture it happening. And when you're old and ugly, you don't want to fucking... If I said, I'm heterosexual, you'd still go... You don't want to think about it. Transgender, if you don't know what it is, get hip. I was born into the body of a man, however sad that body is turned out. But I identify as a woman. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a woman.

I'm just born into this. I'm a woman who just doesn't take care of herself. I'm sloppy. I don't shave body hair. I don't wear makeup. I'm that kind of girl. I take a shit with the door open in public. I don't care.

Just to fuck with people. In the ladies room. I'm like, hey, I'm a girl. Fuck you. You're creeped up by me. You should accept me. What's wrong with you? The kind of girl that watches beheading videos

and then rates them on Yelp. I'm not kind of. And if you can't accept me for the kind of woman that I am, you can juggle my balls and kiss my dick, because you're intolerant you need to fucking focus on your own moral compass. Ah, see, now you're making the beheading sound that is very important.

I don't know if you're up to episode five. Episode five of the beheading video series just aired. It's my new show since Boardwalk Empire finished. World Walk Empire finished. Now I'm into the beheading videos and they just had episode five and what's the problem I find I don't know if they're going somewhere you have to trust the writer but they what they're missing in the beheading videos is the cutting off of the head part which I find to be an important part of a beheading video. The video series is a remake of the early 2000s, the Daniel Pearl Days,

where they actually showed you the beheading. Now what they do is they show the guy in the black fucking mask rag face with a British accent, he does a monologue that's way too long. And they have a different guest star every week in the orange jumpsuit. Every episode, and he's sitting there. He doesn't say shit. He's going to, that's tough acting.

where you don't even have lines, but you're meant to carry the story just by keeping stoicism on your face and not betraying the inner terror. But they don't show the cutting off of the head. They just go from the monologue to the head next to the body. That's a beheaded video. It's not a beheading video.

I hope someone's getting chewed out in an editing bay. Somewhere in ISIS film school. Lewis, I just saw the new rough cut of the latest video, and still, you seem to be skipping an integral part to the beheading videos. Focus groups respond very well to the gurgly, gurgling, garr part. They like that. We could edit you into one.

You can do voiceover for a beheading video. Ah, ah, Lewis, what are you doing to me? Geez, we're trying to make a splash on the scene where ISIS, where the new kid's on the block. Do you remember 9-11? Imagine if they've forgotten to put in the part where the planes actually hit the fucking building. Yes, every story has an arc to it.

Boy meets girl. You know what, I should just do this. I'm just going, 9-11. That every inappropriate thing is it. Child rate. Every story has an arc, Lewis. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, and then you just,

You just cut to a girl has no head and no one knows what the fuck this film is about? I ask you for pornography. You show me a guy on doing his fly? And then you smash cut to come. It's just a puddle of cum and no one knows why the come appeared in this video. You need to really work on your storytelling, Lewis. That's gonna be my new TV project. is just one of those basic, like,

Kicked in the Ball's YouTube clip shows, and I'm the goofy host. But instead of, Dan, you know, Tosh Point O's shit, kicked in the balls, it's gonna be like really horrific graphic images of Serbian torture videos and, you know, Colombian cartel murders

and beheadings and not, I'll just be the guy doing the goofy commentary. Hey, yeah, the first blade lifts the head up and the third blade lops it clean off. We'll be back after these messages with a web redemption of Ray Rice. Stay tuned. If you got that joke, I fucking love you because I know that's two fucking American references in a row, but if you don't know Ray Rice, you probably still know the video. He was the football player that knocked his wife out in the elevator. And you don't have to know NFL to fucking click on the link

that says, dude, unfortunately, you click on the link. Pro athlete knocks his wife out in a fucking elevator, caught on tape. And it's, you're not proud to watch it, but you watch it. It doesn't teach you anything about the game. Andy knocked her out Lefty, which in Australia is probably called chivalry. That's a big deal.

What's your anniversary? Was it invalidized day? I don't know. Hey, there's a knock at your door. Is it a vampire, zombies? Is it those horrible, horrible kids trick-or-treating that you want to spray in the face with a fire extinguisher? No, it's just the Indicloud delivery guy.

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It's scary Indiclau for Halloween. If you're 21 or older, go to indecloud.co.c, that's dot co, not dot com. And use code stand hope for 30% off your first subscription order. That's indeclod.cule.co. Code Stanhope, your subscription ships regularly and discreetly. It won't scare it. With free gifts and free shipping on qualifying orders, after your order, fill out the survey and say,

Doug Stanhope sent you. Enjoy responsibly. And thanks to IndyCloud. All right. I have no idea where to go with this. I have no idea. Get drunker. Make it fun for me.

Act like you never showed up. Yeah. Maybe. I'm drunk. Just not that drunk. TMZ, that's where I was going. Because they're the people that put that shit out. The most parasitic, there's a lot of it. The whole fucking celebrity gossip thing. And you know you're going to click on the link anyway.

But TMZ is the worst. There's names of celebrities that I won't even say out loud on stage because they're only celebrities for just being douchebags, no talents, and the only reason they are celebrities is because you keep repeating, why are they even fucking famous? You know, there's a name in your head right now. Never say that name again. Whoever it is, those people just never say their fucking name because you're just perpetuating. That's why they're famous because it pisses you off. And sometimes you have to click on the link and see the dirt, the DMZ. Just wait until it goes to another Don't click on TMZ's link,

because he's the fagin of celebrity gossip. Harvey Levin, the main guy of TMZ. He doesn't even hire people. He just implores you the viewing audience. Every douchebag with a cell phone camera. Oh, if you see someone famous, just keep bugging them until they snap on you. Just keep a, hey, Justin Timberdake, what's in your bag?

Hey, Justin Timberdake, what's in your bag? Where you go? I don't have any real questions. I'm just going to keep doing this until you fucking snap and go, fuck you, who are you? And then we're going to put it on the show. Evidently, Justin Timberlake

doesn't like his fans that much. Look at it. If the Nazis only committed all of those atrocities because they had some prescience and foresight into the future and wanted to prevent Harvey Levin from one day of

Peering on this planet to create TMZ, Jewish friends I have would have to write off the Holocaust as collateral damage. It was for the common good. It had to be done. You might be an operative faking that fucking cerebral palsy and going, ah! Till one time I go like, just shut the fuck up. Oh, Doug Sanhope.

As a cerebral palsy guy, as you're walking on two feet going, oh, this is worth money. The problem is I'm not famous. Except for within a hundred feet of my show, I am not famous anywhere. Within a hundred feet of the show that night, half an hour before and afterwards, I'm famous. Otherwise, nobody gives a fuck what I had to say. I would have to apologize for not. I apologize for not being insensitive, because you're the only people I answer to.

No one else knows I exist. I've been on enough things randomly. Very occasionally I'll get someone that notices, they recognize me away from the 100 feet perimeter that night. But then they have to think about why. And I'll explain it to you. Vague D-level Z-level celebrity recognition is very close to an awkward homosexual advance.

Like, I'm at an airport just going somewhere and someone's in the line next to me going. And I'm going, yeah, that's me. The next thing I know, I'm... Next thing I know, I'm jerking off a guy in an airplane toilet because I'm too humiliated to admit that I thought I was famous for a minute, so I'll just go through with it. She'll do stand-up comedy, too.

You should check out my website. That's why I hate fucking running into you. You guys tweet me, go, Hey, where are you drinking before and after? You want to go out? I have no idea what to see to people. You go, I don't know what you need from me. Offstage, I'm terrified.

Hey, where are you drinking before the show? by the dumpster going over these notes trying to figure shit out and then just try to be ready in case a surprise guest shows up that you have to work around. I run into someone who knows me off stage.

I feel like I just ran into an old friend that I owe money to and I ain't got it on me. I'm like, I'm like, you have fucking any idea how happy that dude is. He would fucking buy his happiness like a fucking crack addict like really? See he's legitimately that fucking happy.

Desperately. Desperately. What did she say? A what? What did she say? A what? She said, she's a smother. They see things work themselves out

If you missed that, sorry, maybe you should have gotten here early and got the good seats It would work on both you Shooters, there's no actual segue into this bit so I'll go into that We have an extreme lack of gun violence here So this bit makes, it's more difficult to get to this bit because you don't have the gun violence where in the States, I could just pick the most recent fucking mass spree killer and go, hey, how about that?

And go into the bit that's already written. Because it's automatically refreshed. But you used to be good at it. You were fucking number one, Australia. You held the title, and then you just hung up your gloves, like, pussy. He's like, yo, we're champions. We're just going to fucking eliminate guns all together.

Fucking Martin Bryant, he fucking took on the title. So let's just take everyone's guns away. And no one's ever going to top that record. But they did, didn't they? Fucking Martin Bryant went out down, fucking poor Darth said, from the hip, bab, bab, bab, five kills. And then you hung up your gloves and took away the guns. And now who all?

Norway? You're going to let them keep the title? Andres pregnant. He doubled your numbers. He humiliated you. Where's your national pride? If Martin Bryant even did it, there's some speculation. Maybe, oh, in Tasmania,

why would you fucking lobby to get a fucking morgue truck that holds 16 people when you're the most peaceful fucking region of this stupid country and you have one murder every two months? Why would you get that and then sell it? So long, it's... But it still happened on your... soil. So even if it was some

government spook that was pretending just to get gun legislation passed and had to make that happen, to have you give up your gun so easy. I'm not getting into conspiracy theories. But

fucking get a gun and take your title back. It's fucking cross-country skiing fjordites and Norway, you get top fucking 69 kills. Come on. Get back in there. You're never going to win World Cup, so get your old title back from mass murder records. We have, see, the reason the states we don't have the title, even though we have the most, you know, action, is because

they screen out the mentally ill from having guns. They don't want to sully the record, like steroids and sports. You can still get a gun, you just have to work your way around. Whatever the screening process for mentally ill people owning guns, I think should include anyone with a religious belief. Because anyone with a religious, if you have a religious belief, that mirrors every symptom of mental illness exactly. You should be, if you, if there were no

religion and you went to your psychiatrist and told him that's what you've been thinking on your own and they're listening to my thoughts right now. It's in the room. It's in the room. They can hear me even if I don't say it to you. They know I'm thinking it. They judge all my thoughts and he monitors and it puts him on a moral barometer and then When I die, they tally up my good thoughts versus my bad thoughts.

Even if I don't put it into action, they just know I thought it. And if I think more good thoughts and the bad thoughts, I go to the cloudy, pillowy place instead of the fiery place. They might not lock you up for that, but they're not giving you a gun on your way out. It sounds like I'm being an atheist prick. I am. I am a fucking, yeah. Oh, atheists, you're just as preachy and annoying as...

Yes, I am. I fucking am. Because first of all, I hate the fact that you can find any comfort in such a weak belief system of silliness. Come down to my level. You have to be logical and realize we're fucked and there's no good way out.

How do you just like that? They just tell you that. You don't question it and then you get joy. There's no happiness being an atheist. I'm not proud. And by being, when I say atheist, and I always have to do this, you know, dumb it down asterisk, we're all agnostic. That's how it works.

No matter how much faith you have, you're agnostic in that you have no fucking idea either. So for me to say, I just say atheist to dismiss your stupid belief that gives you happiness. Because it doesn't make any sense. And you didn't even need it out. You did no audit on that. and you should be as miserable as me. Because when you have the logic of an atheist, then you also have to dismiss all the happy superstitions

that I want to have. Oh, I'm on the craps table. I'm on a roll. I knew this was a lucky table when I saw it. I had a fucking feeling. No, you didn't. You just saw there was an open space. And you just, and now you're winning. There's no such thing as jinxes or fate or date. We were destined to be together.

No, you settled. You guys, better than being alone. He doesn't hit me. Fate or destiny. You have to give all that shit up too. It's not a happy place to be. But this is not what we're talking about. We're talking about mental illness.

There's two camps. You're physical. Don't even try to jump in. try to jump in. The sake of making this shorter, there's lots of different brands of mental illness, labels, diagnoses. For this bit, we're gonna break them into two camps,

mentally disturbed people. Those are people that have a mental illness that is disturbing to them. They have to flick the light switch three times before they get to the car, and then they have to do the door handle three times. Oh shit. I do the light switch? I can't do it.

Everything's a germ, and I had to wear gloves, and I use hand sanitizer, and I peel the skin off of my knuckles at work, and I hope no one notices my knuckles, but the government has a chip in my head, and everyone has to die. That's mentally disturbed. That's camp one. Camp two, mentally challenged people. Also have a mental disability. They just don't seem disturbed.

by it whatsoever. They seem quite happy to have it a lot of the time. Illness, only one of the two camps gets any kind of sympathy. Redarts get all the hugs and kickball in the world. They can wear pajamas for the rest

of their lives everyone's having. Mentally disturbed people, they get kicked out of the house as soon as they're old enough or put in the foster here, there's something wrong with that boy. He's got the devil in him. You know, the fuck out of the house. What's wrong with you?

He's got a fucking mental illness lady. That's what's wrong with him. Darts, do you... Sacrosanct. Mentally disturbed. Probably, because you don't take care of them because they seem irritating or maybe dangerous at times. And they have bees that live in their beard

and they walk to the park and they talk to themselves. And you know if you make eye contact during the... contact during that episode, all that shit is going to be your problem all of a sudden. And occasionally, it's very rare that it happens, but occasionally, well publicized, sometimes mentally disturbed people, will go kill a bunch of folks in the workplace or wherever. So you don't want to give them the same safe haven that you've given retorted people. You want to vilify them. Retards never kill folks. Nobody ever comes up to you. Did you hear about Kevin? He went all downsy and shot up a movie theater. Nobody saw this coming. He went full-blown special needs and drowned his own children in a bathtub. So they get fucking coddled and they get to

live at home until they're 45 or 80. You can't tell how old they are. We're mentally disturbed people just get kicked right out into the fucking street and then you have free-range crazies walking all over town and then we have to deal with them nobody takes more time with the mentally disturbed than smokers because we have to sit out in front of the bar stationary and you see him come. All your friends are inside, but you have to be outside.

You see what, you're like a salt lick for the homeless. Where am I going to go? Fuck, here, come. Honey, get a dollar or a cigarette for him. He's coming right up on us. I don't know. Listen to his story. Hot boxes.

Just let's get back inside. You can't go anywhere. It's not right. You've got to give them fucking equal compassion. Just because they're fucking weird. This whole idea that parents are. no longer responsible for their children after a certain age. Fuck you, you made that.

You fucking take care of that forever. There's no cut off on that. Parents were alive today, I would sue the shit out of it. Anytime you make a decision to have a child, you're taking a gigantic risk. You have no idea what kind of problem is going to flop out of that vending machine. So if you roll shitty dice at that craps game, society should not be responsible

for covering your gambling losses. Pay your marker, motherfucker. You made a fucking psycho. He's out in the park. Go get him and put him in a room with the retard. You can't just leave him out there because he's a certain number. How old does my dog have to be

before it's no longer my responsibility that he ran across, the street and tore your kid Trevor's face off his skull. Sorry, Beverly, but I tried. I watched every episode of the dog whisperer, but he's incorrigible, but the law says now he's five. I just opened up the gate and there goes Buster ripping off Trevor's face. Not my fault. Let's get some dental floss and try to get some Trevor's cuter features out of Buster's back molars. We'll glue him back on that chattering skull. That art project. I'd fucking sue my parents into poverty if I could. Just for having me without my consent.

How's that okay? Why is that okay you can do that? You just make a dude and eventually it's my fault you did it? Fuck you! Sue the shit out of you. We all show up on this planet in the same, you know, disturbed, confused, state of disrepair. What the fuck?

If we all disappeared from this room right now and reappeared on another planet with no memory of ever being here or being alive, nothing. Just all of a sudden, poof, a bunch of people just show up, ah, the fuck, naked, I get a couple of instincts. I am hungry, I want to throw shit down my mouth and I'm cold, put something on me. And there's other people that show,

up in the same fucked up condition, but they've been there longer so they can give you a few hot tips. Hey, if it stinks, don't step in it. And eat kale. I guess is a thing. We're fucked, we have no idea. And instead of being constantly terrified, no one cares.

We're not even curious. What the fuck? We should be clinging to light poles going, what the fuck is going on? But no, you learn how to play Xbox and drink a hard. If it's a good day, drink and drink. Yeah, but why the fuck we hear?

Where do we come from? And the people that I met when I got here, they disappear. Where'd they go? The fuck! And some of you sadists take this to the next level where you go, hey, let's pull that same prank on

somebody else who doesn't exist. And you fuck me in the front potato and we'll watch it flop out all terrified and bloody and screaming. And then we'll laugh. at it until it's strong enough that its knees can hold up its upper body weight and then we'll make it work for us around the house. Get out there. Fucking chores. I'm doing dishes. I used

to be nothing. I was nothing and then you had a funny idea to make me. I never had a bad day being nothing. And you got to fuck in the front hole and now all of a sudden I'm doing dishes and taking out trash and I got to mow a lawn and do yard work and then I get yelled at for not doing properly and you send me to some fucking prison institution for eight hours a day to learn shit I'll never need to know but I can assimilate and then when I get done I gotta do homework and I'm grounded I'm grounded I hate cunt that fucking had me against my will guess what I'm 13 I could make it do too yeah your law says 18 but your law didn't check with nature Yeah, I'm 13.

I can pump out a dude, put him on your dime, and then he's going to do half my workload. How do you think about that? I didn't do it because I'm not a dick. But you guys, I'd sue my parents just, and they weren't bad people. They just, you fucking have me. I'm going to work till black people.

You thought you had the corner market on slavery? No, every one of us. Every single... 18 years of slave. Make that movie. Working around the house till I'm 18, then you chucked me out. Fucking free. Free at last, free at last. Oh, what the fuck, I gotta pay for this? No. Now I'm 47, you're conveniently dead. I have more questions than I ever had before.

And I'm not even crazy or retarded. I'm just unamused with the outcome of their poorly thought out. thought-out prank. That's still gonna be here. I'm ugly and fucking drunk trying to remember jokes. Falling down place in the most remote fucking city on earth. That's what you did in me. Throw people out.

Even the fucking... Even the... What do you call it? Even you've stopped laughing at me, sir. Like, I can't even keep you in my audience. You can't... It's called... It's called a euphemism treadmill.

Some smart fuck from Harvard coined the term. But you can call retarded people something else. Crazy people you can call whatever you want. Camp one, you can shit all over. Camp two, retarded. Oh, don't say retardant. I can say retarded because that's what they call them where I live. Crazy people.

They're both fucking mentally ill. Why is one fucking special and the other one? Oh, you can say crazy fucking nut job, wacko, psycho, piss all over. They both have the fucking mental illness. Why is that one? You drop a tard bomb in mixed company. Oh, goodness. Oh, you better pick up the check at that lunch in and tip heavily

because you're going to lose your social circle. But you fuck with crazy people. Comics, we do it all the time. We use every what should be a slur. if the tables are even for crazy in our own bios. Hey, come see the fucking crazy act of the over the top lunatic fucking comedian. I'm gonna do that with my bio.

I mean, this is fucking pepper it with the imbecile antics of the fucking mongoloid comedy of Doug Stanhope. See what kind of pay? Yeah, fuck. I'm not saying that they shouldn't mock crazy people, but they should both, everyone should be mocked evenly.

Learn that today. It's called a euphemism treadmill. Retard is not a word of hate. Retard is only frowned upon because retard and mentally retarded, that was terminology they used to stop being offensive when they used to call them morons and imbeciles in the medical field. That's where those words came from. And then they made retard and retarded and mentally retarded to replace that to be politically. It doesn't matter what you call them.

It only becomes offensive when we co-opt it to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid. So if you keep changing the name, the treadmill runs, and the new name is what we're going to call our friend when he does something incredibly stupid. Did you just put a metal plate in a microwave? Are you developmentally disabled? No one fucking puts a metal plate in a microwave. As scientific and difficult and stumbling as possible. If you make it stick, that's still what I'm going to call my friend when he trips over his own shoelaces.

And I go, ha ha, you just exhibited some of the Atlanta axial instability that is usually associated with the trisomy 21 genetic disorder. You fucking asshole. Still be some fucking cut to the back going, That's offensive! My son was born with a trisomy 21 chromosomal imbalance, and if you ever tried to raise a child in that condition, you would understand this struggle is a daily struggle just to be...

This is where she's being thrown out in my imagination. I think that's two thumbs up from my critic. Woo! Gurgle is special to me, sir. Every single one. Bingo. Give me a shot. Brian fucked it up last night.

Oh, I thought you said I wanted two club sodas. I didn't even know until tonight that I was just drinking at the end of the show, I was drinking straight club soda. soda. Dic. Soda water, seltzer water. I don't know what. Is that a fucking really difficult thing in our language barrier?

What's a club soda? Really? I'm going somewhere. I just don't know where yet. Why can I just gonna stop me from coming into this country? We didn't even get the fucking... Work... We didn't get... We booked all these shows before we...

before we had the work visa. We're gonna fuck over a lot of people if we don't get in this country. We've had problems getting into countries a lot. This time I thought it was gonna be Ebola scale. Oh, thanks. This is my girlfriend. She's the reason that we almost get thrown out

of every single country that we've ever played. because and she doesn't do anything illegal or wrong she's just she's a little bit of she's mentally disturbed she's medicated well but she's got a little bit of camp too

going on I would rather travel across an international border with bricks of hashish taped loosely to my sweating torso than my girlfriend just making poor decisions This time I worked out

Because she just We got sent to the secondary screening Which is just, that should just be called The Stanhope line Because I know you guys have to go to And here The dog fucking went up and down our shit And hit on her bag

And I'm going, what is it this time? Turkey jerky I was like, oh good All right on this one And that blocked us from being I brought in a whole carton of cigarettes because I'm a fucking big-time drug smuggler. Supposed to only be able to bring in two packs.

I don't play like that. Cold as ice. I'll fucking hide a whole cart between two bottles of absolute vodka. And then my fucking partner and crying, bingo, bingo bing bong, ding-dong, dingamon will be bringing in nine bags of turkey jerky and distract the dog and they don't see my Mubrow lights.

and we're in, it's the biggest fucking Ocean's 11 thing that's ever been pulled off in the history of criminality. Please hold, I don't get drunk. Please hold. We go to Canada, which again, not only is Perth

my favorite place that I've played outside the country, Australia is now my favorite country. Canada was my favorite, but the weather stinks, and I like desert fucking filthy. We're working on the Underdown Under Tour. where I don't want to do any of your cities.

I just want to do fucking, like, kill, ghouly, or fucking... Cooper Pee and Alice Springs. It's just got to really fucked up places. Because you don't see shit in the cities. All I see is the fucking hotel bar. But there, you're just gonna... Violence is gonna be in your face. We got a candidate.

It was the 5th of July. It was a couple years ago. And I know, because the 4th of July is our Independence Day. And we had like a 4th of July. four or five day party that we had to leave on the morning of the fifth and we were fucked up to start an entire Canadian tour and we had to fly 11 hours of travel to get from Tucson Arizona to Halifax in the middle of the night little tiny yuppie airport where people everyone was banana republic with kids on fire and you know leashes and I travel we look like this when we travel

We take a lot of the Heath Ledger Whitney Houston drugs when we have to fly long distance and you have to drink heavily on top of that to make it really kick because you want to... Bingo travels like... Because she has her own medication, fucking crazy meds, and then when she does downers on top of it, she's like a sedated monkey having nightmares.

Put the tray top down and slap on it and then put her feet. the thing and the guy in the seat in front of that is going, what the fuck? And I distance myself from it, I'm like, well, I don't know who that crazy cunt is. And I'm dressed like an asshole because I get bumped up to first class a lot because I fly all the time and I find it important to look like you don't belong and smell like you don't belong. So I always dress stupid. So we get to Halifax Airport after four days of straight partying, sweating,

fucking motor oil. I'm dressed in a Navy Admiral's jacket with a frilly cowboy shirt. Bingo's in full footy pajamas with a neck pillow and her eye mask on top of her blue hair and her eyes swollen shut like baby cunts. And we're the last people off the plane

in a tiny airport in the middle of the night, last flight of the night, trying to find our shit and drag our rollerback. sideways, like we're just gonna blaze through security. Oh yeah, you're in a border, they won't ask any questions. And I give the lady my paperwork and she goes, oh yeah, you should be in that line. And I'm like, oh, VIP, what is this?

Oh, she must have seen me on YouTube. I guess this is the fancy line. No, you're on the fucking Green Mile rape room line, go through all your shit. And I didn't care, I don't have drugs on me, I don't have anything to I'm old enough and I have people on the other side. I'm not taking chances, but they were so sure profiling works. And when you look like that big of assholes and stinking drunk, I get time. That's why I fly in the night before.

Go ahead, go. They literally unrolled pairs of socks. They were so determined that we were dirty. And I'm like, I'm so full of Xanax and alcohol. Even if I did have shit, I'm not. did have shit. I'm not intimidated. Go ahead. I get all a lot of time. And when they couldn't find anything, you could tell they were pissed,

and that's when they did the wand thing, where they go, we're gonna wander bag for narcotics, where they put the handy wipe on a wand and say, swipe your bag, and they put it on a machine, and the machine started making cartoon noises. Burr-a-uh-neeter, da-da-da-da-da-da-na-da-da. Waw! Customs guy runs.

out of the fucking Halifax airport, which is only like four or five, but we're the only people left in the airport, literally, other than the employees. And they all run out like, oh, did we get Carlos the Jackal? What's going on? Did we finally get some kind of adrenaline in this boring, fucking nowhere, tiny airport?

And the guy says, your bag tested positive for narcotics. Good for the bag, I guess. I don't know what kind of feedback you want on this. because you've just gone through every single item that I have and I don't have drugs. Is the bag in trouble at this point? Do I need to find counsel to represent the bag?

Do I just get a new bag and move on? I don't know what you want from me. And so they try to start doing good cop, bad cop, with the supervisor guy, but it's Canada. So it's like good cop, gooder cop. Like, I don't... And he's like, I'm gonna level with you. We don't care about the users.

We only care about the smugglers. So just be honest with me. When's the last time you used cocaine? And I almost told him the truth. Because he seems so nice. Maybe he's just angling for a bump. Thanks. Yeah, I'm gonna be here all night, guy.

Just hook me up. I don't want to follow. asleep at the wheel here. And I realized if I had just been honest, I had just used cocaine the fucking night before, 14 hours ago. That's what got me to the fucking airport to get on the plane again here.

It's the 4th of July. Of course I used cocaine, I'm a patriot. The parade is at 11 a.m., the fireworks are at 9.30. How are you gonna stay awake drinking, day drinking that long to see the fireworks. Remember the people who died. I'll get to that. And I realized if I had just been honest and said, yeah, of course, I did it.

A couple bumps to get... He was just trying to get me to admit it so he could bar me from the country and he... He has that, whatever the big word is, I can't find. That went away with that shot. So I said, and it had to be the most awkward body language, because I was about to say, and I... And I... Never.

which pissed him off and he's like what if you have a use cocaine why would your bag be tested positive for narcotics where would you have come into contact with narcotics I go look at my fuck look at my work permit look at all the fucking shit holes I'm playing in your town where could I not come into contact with narcotics like just go to any fucking Stanhope show even if it's not a shit Go fucking walk through the men's room after this show. Walk through there with your shoes and then bring your shoes to the airport

and put those on a machine and see what they test positive for after a gig of mine. Fucking ketamine, asbestos, false positive on a pregnancy test, malaria, Ebola, fucking all sorts of shit. That weird poison they put on blow darts and the fucking... Yeah, you're going to test positive for love.

What a shit. And why are you testing my bag? Do you think that's where I do drugs? You've been through my shit. You know, I don't have anything anywhere on me or in my stuff. And your last resort is your bag. Do you think that's where I do drugs? If someone shows up in my house with some cocaine, I go,

honey, grab my soft-sided roller bag so we can chop this up. Now, fuck the mirror. This is Tom Rose. He's a headliner. He brought an eight ball. Get my Sampsonite. night. Break out the good stuff.

Let's get this party going. Why are you testing my bad one? You could be testing my nose. Oh, if you tested my nose, I'd be in trouble. Because I just, I did coke about fucking 14 hours ago and I have such a nest of

wire brush fucking nose hair. I've considered getting electrolysis in my nose just to get rid of the fucking nose hair so I stopped wasting kind of off of key bumps from folks when they go, hey, we're bumping. You go, and half of it

falls straight back out. Like you just broke a snow lobe. You tested my nose. I'm sure there's a little robin's egg of fucking leftover cocaine in there. I'm going to have some spleenin' to do. If it even tests positive, because with the weak-ass blow,

we get where I live. If it tested positive, I'd have to apologize to my dealer for a lot of false accusations. Why would I try to smuggle that shitty quality drug into a country like Canada that has amazing fucking drugs readily available? That would be like smuggling ragu's spaghetti sauce

into Italy. Coming through like fucking locked up abroad, oh, I'm so nervous, but I got it through, guys. Boil up the pasta. I get a pasta. Here's my point. the reason that we got fucked with at customs is because we asked for it

when you're stinking, steaming, drunk, stumbling, dressed like a fuckhead. Knowing that you're going through an international border, yeah, be prepared to get fucked with. It was a calculated risk on my part because I know I don't have anything. But we have over 600,000 nonviolent drug offenders in American prisons.

I don't know your statistics, but if it's too, it's fucking too many. People that have nonviolent drug offenders who should suffer no harsher sentence than a high five. All right, fucking prisons, which is like one day will be looked at as horrifically as slavery. There's no reason for it. And I've defended them for my entire career. and will continue to. But in the meantime, remember that 98% of those people locked up

are dumb as fuck. And it's a lot of your own fault because there's a game to be played here. Drugs should be legal, but they're not. So until they are, have to be sensible? You said just a little bit of intellect, don't show off. I'll fucking wag your dick.

Look at me. Fucking, you're a weed guy, and you like to smoke weed, and it should be legally. and it's a plant that grows out of the earth. Yeah, it should be legal, but it's not. So until it is, if you have weed on you all the time, don't drive around in a 1968 Volkswagen bus

with legalized weed bumper stickers and makes rope and a fucking big weed pot plant leaf on a flag on the antenna, because you might get noticed. They might fuck with you. Be a little more stealth. Be a little more clever. You're a biker. Or fucking a bikie.

Which is so hilarious that you call them bikies. How could you make them sound more fucking juvenile and silly? It's the funniest thing in the world. And my bikie. A little fucking foam helmet. A bikie. That's what you like to do. Fine, do that.

You know, I live to ride and I ride to live. And I wear my colors. And I wear them proud. but not more than two at a time in Queensland. As Noah's art rules, we go double-go-up. I don't know. I don't hate your guts, but if that's what you like to do, we all silently golf clap when you get fucking caught under a bus tire

or kill each other in a fucking casino shootout. But that's what you like to do. I don't understand the whole bike-e, bike-y, I get a fucking say it, bikey mentality. I don't understand grouping up over a form of transportation. That seems like the thinnest reason to make new friends. I've had times in my life where I had to take the bus. I had to take public transportation.

They were not good days, but we did not group up over bus riding. We did not get similar outfits and a secret handshake and a clubhouse try to intimidate other people with our bus riding skills read Bus Rider Magazine and have a half-built bus out front that we work on all the time. No, we got a fucking transfer and made no eye contact and moved on. But if that's what you like to do as a bikey, I'm just saying if you have 20 pounds of methamphetamine in the saddle bag, maybe it's a good time to reconnoiter your whole plan

with your fucking colors and your vest and your fucking hot. Harley, maybe leave the hog in the garage and take the wife's Chevy Astro van for this mission with the baby seat and maybe put on a turtleneck sweater to cover the swastika tattoos on your neck, you stupid fuck. Or just don't bitch about being locked up because I'd like to think if I was a drug kingpin and I had kids selling crack cocaine on street corners, I would make them dress up like Little Mormon kids and khaki shorts and a clip-on tie, short-sleeve Oxford. Big stack of fucking religious pamphlets in the back pocket.

Because even that way, if a cop suspected, I think this is a ruse, that kid's dirty, they think, you know what, fuck it. If we're wrong, I don't want to deal with that Jesus lecture because that goes on and on. Just let them go. Just go get coffee. I like to believe that the Amish are the biggest underground criminal syndicate on the planet. They just don't have big egos, like asshole, fucking criminal, fucking bikey, gangbanky.

They don't have to wave their dick with spinning rims and hanging pants and fucking banners on their back. They're smart about it. Get up at dawn, they go out with the cart and a buggy, they drop off bales of hay, and pre-designated areas with a little special something inside the bail of hay just for you. They go home, dusk, and they open up the barn door, and it's all fucking pipped out MTV cribs and plasma screens, and they fucking Latino girls on bikinis bouncing their fat asses up and down poles and stink lines coming out of that ass. and a trail of Dolly Hair.

I picture this girl way too fucking well. And they pull off their fake Amish beards, and they laugh quietly together, because they're making a living, doing a good deed without having to show off. Look at me. I'm a fucking criminal. I have no idea what this is,

but it's been bothering me. If I had any, like, momentum going into that bit, I probably would have closed on it. I'm guessing, oh, no, I'm fucking way wrong. I'm good. Now I'm going to the list. Because between Jeff Hewitt and you,

now I'm just gonna read shit that was supposed to be up front. I'm gonna close on it, you know why? Because the chances of me ever being back here are very slim. And nothing to do with you. If I was just starting my career, I'd be goin fucking Perth, that's a place.

I might come back just to be drunk, can get frequent flyer miles because I'm into that. Yeah, I get fucking hernias bulging out. Every time I have to yell, I got this fucking inguinal hernia. I coughed my way into that from smoking. That'd be a fucking wake-up call.

Maybe you should try to quit after 35 years, which I did, and then I got fat which affects a hernia as much as coughing. When you're coughing, your guts through your ligaments. You quit smoking for six weeks and you go, oh, fat hurts just as much as yelling, which is my...

That's what it feels like, exactly. Think, you might try to give it a shot, but I'm afraid of blowing out my pants. That's my problem. I spend a lot of time. You know what, I don't go to any fucking zoos or see your thing.

I have no interest. The only interests I have are going to thrift stores in the States and trying to put together other stupid outfit 70s vintage things and I try to find good sushi which I've never found in this I was my biggest shock here Japan no shit wow are you a ad hot tip on Twitter yeah it's all fucking coastline here you think yeah fucking You have plenty of surf culture, you fucking assholes.

While you're out surfing, you find a fish that you can sell. The only sushi I found that was in Canberra that was on one of those train sushi places. Two out of three things were slathered in mayonnaise. Go fuck yourself. Oh, you have the biggest balls in the back of the room. There's an open, fucking chair. You fucking giant Nazi, you look like fucking midnight oil.

Come up here. Fuck with me. Fuck with a small. Man. This is petite dish. Sushi sucks. Did I shit on your... With garbage fucking...

It's like supermarket sushi. It's vending machine sushi. I've ordered better sushi on eBay. Never has fucking bothered me. I was using you as a fucking way to get in. Your surf culture... You're a disease. You skater surf culture people.

You're fake, passive-aggressive bullies. You're hippie bullies. And you pretend to be all fucking laid back. back and you're just simpleton ass. Oh, dude, man. Do you really putting cigarettes out on the beach, man? You know what, I put him in my pocket after I do that. You fucking bow up in my face.

There's a, Parco Parkinson. Do you know who Parco Parkinson is? How the fuck does he get a poster? I don't know is Sidney. One of the places I had to take a shit before the show and in the bathroom was Jack Parkinson. Marco Parkinson, World Championship Surfer, says it was a PSA for don't drink too much. Hey, drinking is not a competition.

Pace yourself. World Champion Surfing is not a competition either. It's you floating around on a piece of styrofoam left up to the interpretation of whoever cares to look at it. But it seems to be a competition to you with some fucking bloated fucking 47-year-old comic tries to plop his carcass on a boogie board in Costa Rica to get a tan on his back and go, wee, like a child with no fucking physical skills. And then I get in one of your waves. You're there for eight hours doing this. There's a wave every 30 seconds, but I get in the middle of one,

and all of a sudden I'm the biggest dick, and all that laid-back fucking mellow surfer shit goes out the window. And you're just a fucking bully picking on me, and then I'm in fucking Coogee Bay where I have a... A view of you, I have a beachfront. You don't even have waves there, but surfers come out just in case. You're fucking so desperate. And I sit there and I plot your death like the guy in rear window. I sit in my hotel window and I go, I'm gonna kill you. How do I do I do?

I'm gonna chum the waters. I'm gonna go to some of your shitty sushi. And I'm gonna go to the dumpster after they close and get buckets full of chum of your rotten fucking sushi. And I'm gonna go out at 4.30 in the shit. in the morning right before the surfers get there and I'm going to chum the waters to bring in the Great Whites and I'm going to have you kill it.

If there's no fucking shark show up, I'll buy one. I'll get my own fighting shark like a dogfighter has a pit bull and I will fucking molest that shark and I'll starve it and I'll keep it in a cage and I'll agitate it with a pool cue and then I'll bring it out on a bicycle chain at 4.30 at dawn on it at point break

I'll let it loose and I'll just sit in my room and watch you plop one at a time. Who's fucking laid back now? Let me get to my notes. Notice how I laid flat? Do you even know when you suck? You just yelled something out. No one reacted. I gave it a pregnant pause for you to feel that intensity in the air of knowing what it's like when no one gives a fuck.

Because you, if I answer immediately, then you go, oh, I'm getting laughs. No, if I let you talk by yourself, you will never, ever get a laugh. If you want to try it again, I'll fucking go silent for like two minutes. I know that. I heckled before I ever did comedy,

and it went like this. And that's when I learned to never heckle again. And that's the problem with having a snappy retort to a heckler. They think, that's my laugh. Oh, you let them stewing it. No, don't you fucking ruin this! You can't know! Hystrophy or whatever the fuck you have!

His curse was he could never not laugh. He went to every open mic in town and everybody thought they killed. Kids with cancer, fuck you. He's trying to shorten these bits. but I want to get them out. People with eating disorders, fuck you.

You're inherently rude people. If you have an eating disorder, it's not like you meant to be rude, but it's a byproduct of your disability where you're inherently rude. If you understand the psychology behind an eating disorder, the reason that they can vomit their way down

to, you know, Auschwitz emaciated sizes, it's because they still think that they're fat. So if that's what you think about yourself, when you're 78 pounds of bile breath and organ failure and dying from it, what do you think when you look at me? That's fucking rude.

Keep it to yourself. I'm not some fucking circus side show up here. I'm a little poorly alcoholic bloated, but I'm not some, you know, cartoon acts. Fuck you, you're being rude. Like, kids with cancer are rude. Fuck kids with cancer. There's an inherent rudest.

Thank you. I got you laughing at fucking kids with cancer. Yeah. Little tiny children. Oh, but when people go out, they shave their heads in these, like, big charity things. The Locks of Love Foundation is what we have in the States.

I'm sure you have a similar thing. Oh, the kids. Kids die again, you should go shave your head, and we're gonna make a wig for him and show solidarity. Don't feel... That should be such an affront to any bald or balding man in this room that some child is dying of leukemia, and your biggest concern is,

yeah, fuck him, he's definitely gonna die, but God forbid he dies looking like you! Parents should ever have to bury their own child. Not a medical condition, I get some shit going on. It doesn't hurt. The kid's six. He's not trying to get pussy. It's not even old enough to have learned our obscene

system of values that this should matter. He doesn't care. Just fucking... And I'm not just fucking with you. I got a situation here. It's not bald, but there's a... Balding, thinning. It's a spot to be what.

No, there's fucking hair on it, dude. You want to yell from me. the back, come touch this, there's hair. Bingo fucking gives me this shit all the time. You should put some sunblock on your bald spot because you're getting red and the sun's stronger down here. It's fucking not bald. There's hair on it. Bingo's chest is bald. If this was growing on her chest, she couldn't find a man. So don't say it's a thinning area, it's a problem spot. It's something to keep an eye on. And I took this to an extreme. where after one of the nights she called in a bald spot, I went into the bathroom, shit-faced. And you will know that I was shit-faced by how this story goes. I shaved my entire head, razor-shaved, bald, everything on my head except for this spot right here.

And I came out of the bathroom, very proud of myself, going, where's my bald spot now? Show it to me. I want you to point out which part of my... head what you call the bald spot. Is it here? Is it here? No, this is my hairy spot now. That's

what it is. It's a hairy spot. Point to it, say it with your mouth. That's your hairy spot. I've always been wrong and you're always right. And then I had to wear that hairstyle for a week while my friends are going, what the

fuck did you do to your head? What did you lose a bet? No, I won a bet. Weirdly enough, I want to bet because that's my hairy spot now. And then I thought, wouldn't it be fun and magnanimous of me to donate my hairy spot to a poor kid with cancer in the locks of love foundation? Just show up and find the kid that got there late. After all the good celebrity hair was gone, the local weatherman went out there, go,

I can't what about this? Don't worry, kid, I got you covered. I got my hairy spot. I waited around for you. And mom works two jobs, I know. Is that going to be good enough for you? You want to look like some elderly Jew who's still wearing his lucky yarmulika

from when he's 13, now he's 90. It's all threadbare and wispy. You want to wear that little pompadour of shame into your little tiny grave? Is that going to do? Oh, you're too good for my hair. You're a hairie spot? Fuck you, kid with cancer.

You sit with your puker friend in the back. Both are having a bad day, but don't take it out on the guys trying to do nice things. The only thing that I have that I could donate, I have no organs I could give away. I just got my hairy spot. I'm getting Yeagermeister tattooed across my toes at the end of this tour to remind me of the fucking reason that I probably have diabetes. I don't, I have the same doctor you have, Dr. Google.

But from the amount of time I spent drinking Yeagermeister for 20-some years, when the neuropathy sets into my toes and they have to cut them off from the diabetes, I just assume I will get from all those years of drinking Yeagermeister, I want to be able to hang those toes around my neck on a necklace, on a fishing wire, a little dangly, shrunken head, Yeagertoe necklace to remind me.

And I'll stab the first fucking guy that points out the typo. I know you're not, there's some beam counter in here doing the math right now. No, I don't have 12 toes to cover all of Yeagermeister. I'll shorten the tweet and pull out some unnecessary. vowels. But I'll have shrunken head, Yeager-toed charm bracelet around my neck. Can I buy you a shot? Yeah, not this one. Like a Vietnam vet who comes out of the jungle with VC ears around his neck. To remind him of his time in the shit, I'll have

Yeager's shrunken head toes. Any Vietnam vets in here? I'm kidding. I already looked at up. You worry in the States. Wow, my set's all fucked up. You had 516 dying Vietnam, so I shouldn't fuck with you. What's that? Compared to the States? Compared to the States is every fucking asshole over 55 or 60, whatever the... they all wear these stupid hats now. Vietnam Venn! With the ribbon and the platoon and the year... Dang! We're Wang, 68 to 70. Why are you wearing that fucking hat? You got fucked over in that war,

so hardcore by your own government. Why would you wear a hat promoting it? Nixon, in his own words, in the Nixon tapes, talks openly about fucking over Vietnam vets. Fuck him, I need to win re-election. I don't want to look soft. So delay the withdrawal of troops in an unwinnable war. Fuck them if thousands more die.

And then they fucked you over that hard and then you wear a hat and then sold you merch after the show. The fuck! Why would you buy a hat? That wasn't complimentary with your fucking beating. That's like a rape victim walking around with a pink trucker cap that says molested. Stepbrother, 82 to 86. You can celebrate that shit. Jesus.

You don't see fucking kids coming back from this new on one. win a pointless, stupid war. I lost my legs to an IED and all I got was a stupid t-shirt. Who would sell that? Silly. And I'm not making fun of Vietnam vets or rape victims unless you're wearing a hat. I still have nightmares.

Hey, if you suffered any traumatic event, they'll close on this one, because otherwise I'm just gonna backtrack to the beginning of my set. We've already gone over time. We're short. We have fucking two more shows in eight days. We can actually go do something weird.

I have the rest of the night to go fucking take a sleeping pill and forget this ever happened. If you've suffered any kind of traumatic event like that and you ever find yourself saying, I still have nightmares, remember, so does everybody Everybody else. It's just yours makes sense now. Now you wake up and there's someone there going,

don't worry, it's over, it's over, it's okay baby. I have fucking nightmares that make no sense whatsoever, like everyone else. I'm riding on the back of a giant carp and it's got teeth and it's gnashing at me and I had a baby that I had a miscarriage. I was pregnant to term with a fucking baby that died because I smoked cigarettes. and now I'm facing capital punishment because I smoke cigarettes and I killed a baby

and I'm getting the death penalty and they're going to put me in the... I can't be in prison. Can you imagine me in prison? So I go, should I just kill myself and run into the black part of the prison screaming nigger, nigger, nigger, to have them do it because I'm too chicken and kill myself.

You wake up from that, it makes no sense whatsoever. A girlfriend there holding you going, it's okay, it's all right. That baby was going to die anyway. Is that a closer? What's it? All right.