The Doug Stanhope Podcast - I Don't Have The Gloves For That

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

VIDEO VERSION FREE (and early) on YouTube Andy pisses his pizza box and some of his pants, Chad's kid makes a surprise cameo on the police scanner and Bingo has NO TIME TO BE A LADY on tour  Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order. Use promo code STANHOPE at https://www.lucy.co/STANHOPE Support the podcast at www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast or YouTube as a Member Join Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com TOUR DATES - https://www.dougstanhope.com/tourSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

What city are we going to? Las Vegas! What city? Vegas? Vegas? You can find Vegas on a map. No. Vegas. I'm giving people false hope. Vegas. September 6th, Saturday night, Sunday all day, we're hanging out with you at the Sand Dollar, part of the Vegas, the bar downstairs for NFL kickoff. Even if you don't like it, we don't either. You just bet on it and go back to your conversation and day drink. It's a hang. It's a show. September 6th at the Plaza in Las Vegas. Chad Shank, Andy Andrews, myself obviously,

and just added Annie Letterman to the bill. So we'll see you at the Plaza in Las Vegas September 6th and 7th if you can get up in time Andy and I get a late-night pizza somewhere Are pretty fucked up and he just had he was on over there And he's just writing all these notes down on a pizza box but like in a circle and haphazardly in some notes over the other notes. And I go, that's, he brought it to the green room the next day, he brought the pizza box.

He didn't like, put his hand in my favor. Brought the pizza box. Don't refine them at all. Yeah. And the fucking, the booker is in the green room and Andy's like trying for once. And he's got his pizza box and the fucking Booker guy

and he's the sweetest kid, but he just brought it, had a friend that's a photographer that's taking pictures and he just kept talking. And Andy put on his headphones at one point and he just like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Thunderstruck is in his act, but he's doing it at top volume with his earphones on.

And the Booker goes, is he always this animated before a show? I don't know why I did Hennegan for a fucking full time guy. But, and I said, you know, I don't think it's that so much as we're preparing for a show that's in 35 minutes and you just keep talking.

So I think what he's doing is he's doing that out of frustration with you. Oh, that makes sense. And he keeps fucking talking. It was the worst. Oh, I'm the asshole. Yeah, I could do the whole thing about those cell phones. And then he's in the wings with a camera filming me.

I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, they can see you. Half the audience can see you. It's a fucking theater and you're recording. After I just gave that guy shit in the audience. Yeah. So Andy, I'm like, he brought the pizza box and I said the Dog Sores was a comic

that we've known forever over there. He was on the shows and he's fucking so good. But I go, that's how Andy's, the inside of his brain works. All these notes on the pizza box and that pizza box ended up saving him because on the way home, he's really fucked and he has to piss really bad. It's everything's closed.

So he's squeezing his dick through his pants and running into the hotel to use the lobby toilet. You know how once you get to the door, well, there's a code. Oh no. Oh, your mind has already released it. Yeah, yeah. So he's pissing his pants.

Wait, that's the video. No, that's the video I thought I was recording. Okay. But I hit the fucking, it's a red button either way. It's a full red or it's a red square motherfucker. I'm filming the whole thing. I got him finally get a stick out his piss. He's pissed all of his pants.

But the reason he didn't piss more of his pants is he had that pizza box folded up and tucked it into his pants. So it took the brunt of it. Wow. I love the phrase, the reason he didn't piss more of his pants. More of his pants.

Like that's sort of a silver lining. Like, hey, you should have pissed. Thank God I had that pizza box. It like slacks. They're must. Could have fizzed. Thank God I had that pizza box. Slacks. They're must. Ha ha ha. So now he's pissed himself. And that's the video I did get

is when we finally set up to our floor. We're on the fourth floor and I think we're in 405 and 406. That's where we pulled out. The rooms are so small that you only have one chair that he pulled his chair and nightstand out in the hallway so we could talk across the hall from each other I'll put my chair in my room at the door but we get to that floor and if we're at 405 406, 409 or 411 has a bag with a paper plate, say,

Doug and Andy, thanks for the great show, et cetera, et cetera. And a bottle of some kind of, I don't know if it was whiskey, some kind of liqueur and some whatever, you know. And I go, they left that out for us. We spotted it. So I grab it thinking it's their room. Because I'm not thinking I just watch Andy piss all over himself. So I'm like, that's for us.

So we grab it and I knocked and no one. And so we go back towards our room and a guy comes out and I said thanks and then it wasn't until the next day I realized wait someone thought that was our room yeah and because they left a picture of themselves and I'm we were that's not the guy that came out thank you too he was just confused but that was the video I got was Andy Spilling that bag and his pizza box, which he kept after he pissed all over it. Well that notes Yeah, yeah, some good notes And that's the video I have of him on the floor throwing all this stuff spill where he's kicking himself Yeah, I saw I want that I watched that video. Oh my god

himself. I watched that video. Oh my God. Yeah, but I was just disappointed because I swore I had the fucking yeah, the pissing pissing himself in the fucking hotel toilet. It's good. You would have had to blur out a little bit of penis. But the Andes defense you would have had to blur out a lot of. We. Well, that was that was I don't know if this has already come up, we get into some cocaine in Colorado and you know, I remember why this was so perfect before a show.

Like you go out and it's just, remember when we do podcasts when we didn't want to, when we'd take Adderall just to make us want to talk and it didn't necessarily make it funny? Yeah. But yeah, I think we've covered that. We've already covered a little bit of the tour on a different camera. Bingo was out selling shit on the road and filming and updating.

Oh, I don't know if I told you this one. Maybe I did. Bingo was out selling shit on the road and filming and updating. Oh, I don't know if I told you this one. Maybe I did. I'm on the front porch listening to my scanner and doing some work in the pond and different things. And it was before I had it on the stream. It was when I was still coming up with this idea and I just got the scanner.

And the scanner's on the porch and I hear a siren. Woo! You know, we need a helicopter. Oh, a helicopter. We have one rollover, one ejected. Rolover, one ejected, that's fucking horrible. What a fucking mess that is. This is a great one. This is what you get a scanner for.

20 minutes later, I get a phone call. Your son was involved in a rollover accident. Oh, fuck. That is, fuck. Whoa, what the fuck, man? I listened to that. And uh. This is like when Kenny, I completely forgot.

He just told me that his fucking ex-missus is dying of the cancer. And the next day I already forgot. And then I, like I hung up the phone with you and I'm like, I forget to ask about the kid that got ejected from the car. I forgot I told you. I didn't know if the phone with you and I like I forget to ask about the kid that got Ejected from the car. I forgot I told you I didn't know if I even told you this or not So I'm glad this is my first I thought it's the first time telling you so I'm glad that I'm repeating myself that forgets

Yeah, he's doing good broke his hip and his neck in his back fractures you know not like the where he's immobile, but he's in a walker still and Just some liver or maybe his kidney I don't remember one of those damage Interparts you throw that way where he fucking stuck him into a tree Speaking of inner parts. Yeah, you gave me a segue. Oh yeah. Bingo's got recticele? Recticele. Yeah, that's right. C-E-L-E. Rectocele. C-E-L-E. I already know I'm saying? C-E-L-E. Rectocele. C-E-L-E. I already know, because I have a varicose seal.

We've talked about it before, so I can guess. You have a butthole vein. No, it's different. No, it's worse. It's a weakening. It's worse. It's a weakening of the wall between the vagina. So basically what happened, this is crazy.

When I went on tour, this last tour, all of a sudden I knew I had shit inside me and I'm like, fuck, I can't shit. You cannot be, there is zero time to be a lady on tour with these motherfuckers. So I'm like, what the fuck do I do? I have to shove my hand up my twat and yank the shit out by myself.

And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing here? And there's no time to be a lady. Wait, do you mean like push it out like a toothpaste? No, I have to put my hand in my twat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what I was, that was my first solution before you ever said that. So when you said that, I go, hey, maybe I'm not such a hero. And I have to push it out.

You're going to squeeze it from the bottom, like a toothpaste. Yes, yes. But I have to do that every time, every time. That's the only way I can go. Recto-seal. Recto-seal. We're going down to breakfast.

It happened only on tour. It just happened all of a sudden. You didn't make it do it for a podcast? But they don't wanna hear it. I'm alone. They don't wanna hear it. I'm all by myself. Oh no.

Go ahead. No, I was telling you to call your mother. Yeah, call my mother. You said. She's a nurse or something. I picture Stan hope trying to be fucking helpful and sympathetic, but he just says flowers in a plunger

Crisis and he's like text your mother text Have you tried putting your hand up your vagina? She calls Docs in it and he he's like, you know, a massage, he just treats it like constipation. No, I tell him in great detail what's going on. I tell him, and he tells me- Poor doxinit.

No, he tells me, take a laxative. That would be the worst thing you could do. Well, I mean, then it would be easier to push out. No, it wouldn't, it would be a mess. You have to push it into the rectum. You have to push it into the rectum. You have to push it into the rectum and then out. I use the analogy. Why a solid thing that can work?

You need a solid. Yeah, a laxative would fuck your shit up. I said, it's gonna be like if you were pregnant, you could reach up your ass while it tells the sex of the baby. It's hilarious, but a fact, that's true. That's true. That's true.

They're gonna find the doc. Oh my goodness. So I'm keeping docs in a breast. This is what- Oh, this is great. This is great. This is the worst. You need any referrals, it's all good.

Like, he's doing anything he can. I said, we're at the clinic finding out the name. She couldn't remember the name for RectoSeal. Yeah. To look it up, to do our own. And we fucking, I really enjoyed nothing better than being better than the fucking clinic I went to just using Google. Even Bingo is the one who figured it out through Google

because she couldn't remember the name. I hate that this is so bad. I hate that I knew thought I knew what it was and it's so much worse. No, it's way worse. I'd rather have. Yeah. Okay. I tell them the name of it and she's going to get paperwork to, you know,

she's going to have to have surgery. Oh, surgery's the only thing you can do. So I- You gotta have to sew up your butthole, and then you just, uh. That's an option, hang on. I texted them finally, I go, they're mail under the paperwork

to schedule an appointment for surgery. She's done plenty of Google time on it, and isn't too worried. In the meantime, she still has to shove her hand up her cunt to manipulate shit to come out of her asshole. But I'll spare you the details. That's beautiful! I was so happy about that. That made me happy.

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and use promo code stanhope for 20% off. And now, let's get to the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical! But it would get to the point where, like now we know her problem of shitting. She's told us the whole process. But then Junior Stapka was known for these 25 minute dumps that he would take

and you just pull into a rest area of truck stop and you're like, all right, should we pause the book on tape? It's going to be a while. But she was like, he comes out 45 minutes ahead of you on the book on tape? It's gonna be a while. Just leave it in. But she was like, He comes out 45 minutes ahead of you on the book on tape. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. But she was taking these, you know, I'm not blaming you, but. No, I know. Lengthy, if she goes in the fucking toilet and you're like, all right,

we have 15 minutes before the free breakfast is over. She's like, hang on, I gotta go to the bathroom. And they're like, all right, we have 15 minutes before the free breakfast is over. She's like, hang on, I gotta go to the bathroom. And they're like, no, we're not waiting. We're not waiting, meet us down there. You don't eat anyway. Imagine you guys start fucking again, but it's only so you can pump the shit out of me. No, no, listen, he would, do your thing here.

What were you saying here? You had a thing if you fucked, you would have put your hand in me and do a central equestria or something. I was so fucking hilarious. I was very foul. I'll just imagine that myself. That's definitely fouler than pumping the shit out of you. You guys are disgusting. I know, I'm just terrible. Your level of foul is so goddamn warped

that the rest of us can't reach it. It was really bad. I love it. It was bad. It was very, very bad. Well, that is one. Docs in it is a muse, kind of like Kenny, where if you have a

even as a doctor or a doctor like person, he doesn't really have the stomach for this kind of stuff. Like I love, I love, like I would love to do our own version of are you garbage in front of him just because he'd be like Raider where he's like, ah, come on. That's why she went to the other clinic. She's like, I'm not gonna have Doc John stick his hand up my vagina and asshole. And I'm sure he has to do it to other people, but not to. It's not you. I think you just give some of referral.

Specifically, yeah. I don't know. I don't have the gloves for that. Yeah. That's so brilliant. So Bingo wakes up and she's, our sleep schedules have been so fucked up, but she woke up in a fucking daze.

I don't know if you get up at four in the morning. I had been up, like I woke up at quarter to midnight is one of those like, so far, so I'm just up. And she came out and took her meds, morning meds at two in the morning or three in the morning. So when she got up early for a 7 a.m. doctor's appointment, she got up an hour and she's just glazed over. It was the medication.

Like I'm afraid you're gonna, like a toddler walking near a corner of a coffee table, like, okay, don't fall over. So I'll go down with you. It was like, I didn't know if I could explain what my situation was and he knew. And I'd had a few glasses of wine and then. Did you use the word cunt?

No, she's, I used to go to her and she's such a humorless. I love her. I love her but yeah, I love her. She, anyway, so I went in to help explain because she's not really making words well. So I explained that she took her meds early and she hasn't slept for a day and a half or whatever. Like she's not on, she seemed like she was just

fucked on drunk or something. Yeah's not on, she seemed like she was just fucked on, drunk or something. So I was there to quit the speech. She's just on drugs. Right. It's okay. But I did, I kind of can't. The one she's prescribed, it's all right. Yeah, she's got some kind of internal prolapse

where she has to manipulate feces using her fingers in her vagina. I did come to through. And then when she goes, okay, well, I'm gonna. Wait, you came? No, Sam was like, I'm out. When she said she's gonna check it out, I go, all right, that's, I just did my job.

He walked out, he was just like, okay, I gotta go back. And walked out. I got my crossword puzzle and my pen. Yeah. I'll be up in front of her. She did laugh at that. She did actually laugh. That was funny. That's a good husbandly duty. Yeah. So she's gonna have to have surgery at some point. Yeah. I don't know. It's one of the great things about Reddit is you can find out. So we put in rectocele and like, has anyone had the surgery? How long can I expect it?

Yeah. And everything was, it wasn't that big a deal. So I'll be on your Twitch 24 seven when I have surgery. They just sew up your butthole. Then you just poop through your vagina. Now maybe it's easier to squeeze out. You don't have to reach in and try to manipulate a second hole, you just poop from one hole. If Floyd could shit through his dick rather than wear the bag, he'd probably opt for that.

I'll just have a smoothie face. I had a steak last night, and I'm still- If you squeegee it more than twice, you're playing with it. Ah! Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. But she was looking at due diligence on everything, and she found that one of the surgical options is to have your vagina sewn shut. Yeah, no shit. I'm not gonna do that. Well, it doesn't matter for me, but... But her mother, she has a... Well, where do you... Her mother... How do you reach in and push the shit out of your vagina? That's the only thing they do is block off the only fucking solution. The only access to the solution. I'm not saying blocking a fire exit.

You need a second egress to make ode. You have to provide a better solution than that. That's like a chat GPT solution. Yeah, we'll just say why don't we just sew the vagina shut. That didn't solve the problem. She has a history of this. Her grandmother had a prolapsed vagina. There were bladder... No, no, that was on the other side. She has a history of this. Her grandmother had a prolapsed vagina. Their bladder was falling out.

No, no, that was on the other side. No, you're not paying attention. Oh, tell me. No, that was the wrong grandma. That was married in. That was a different thing. Oh, so much. No, my mom's mother had something different,

a similar surgery. It was not this though. Oh my God. But yeah. But my mom was a surgical nurse and she knows about this. My grandfather used to say, you come by it honestly, whenever you have something like that. You inherited it.

You come by it on it. Was the person, one of your elders that had their vagina half falling out and had to have the surgery. Her vagina wasn't falling out. No, that's why I'm leading you into the story. Okay, my mother's mother had a similar surgery. All right, so I'm saying this is...

She had to reach in her butthole to push pee out of her urethra. It was similar. It was close. It was similar, but it was not the same thing. My mother's mother. But my mom was a surgical nurse and she did this procedure many times. So we can just- For fun.

For fun. For dance. So we can cut out the middle man. Mom, I'm retired. I'm too old. It's just one last job, mom. One last job. I'm too old for this shit.

We buy all the scalpels and gloves. We buy all the scalpels and gloves. We buy all the scalpels and gloves. It's just one last job, Mom. One last job. I'm too old for this shit. We buy all the scalpels and gloves. On a budget. On a budget. Ringo, can I ask? Yes.

When I was a kid, I used to have pet rabbits. I used to push this shit out of them from the outside. Really? I'd hold them and squeeze them from the outside. Really? Like I'd hold them and sort of squeeze them from the outside. Really? It's very similar. Can someone squeeze you from the outside? We'll try it. I'll let you squeeze me.

I'll let you squeeze me. Remember, one block Ben, every time he'd come for football Sunday, as soon as he saw a bingo, she'd race him. Yeah. And she'd race into his arms and he'd fucking squeeze Bingo, she'd race these out. Yeah. And she'd race into his arms and he'd fucking squeeze her. Hey, spin me around. Yeah.

Don't go in. But now he'd be doing it like, shit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Spray it. The wacky water weasel. Yeah. Fucking sprinkle it. Everyone else here do the thing where,

hey, crack my back too. And fucking lift you up and crack your back. Well, do her the other way. Yeah. Hey, is everybody else worried Memzy might be a serial killer squeezing the shit out of rabbits? That's not, that's not weird.

That's, that ain't natural. That ain't a natural act. Listen, just saying, keep an eye on things. Yeah, every serial killer you see Don't record that out. Please don't put that out. So anyway, yeah, definitely surgery and we'll try to do it soon.

Well, good luck. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, forward them my tour schedule. Yeah, I want to get it for Patreon. I want to get it recorded, Patreon. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Hey, chicks dig scars.

Imagine the doctors were to go pro and say. Well, don't think that- Like, carve it a pumpkin. Before I could even say it, she said, I hope we can film it for the podcast. And I'm like, wow, this is a team play. I don't know. Now come on, my butthole spread open.

Why don't you not be the team goddamn player for fuck's sake? Come on, it'd be cool. I was hoping they'd gank out my whole butthole and do it, but I don't know how they really do it. Yeah, I'll do it. Like an accordion? Yeah. Like it just folds out and they fix it

and they put it in a Tom and Jerry carton? That would be the best footage right there. Yeah, yank. That was, she did balk at one point because she found YouTube video of the surgery, kind of like Andy with his Whipple surgery. Well, I was eating an apple. I had to pause.

I had to pause. I was like, whoa. He had two things at once like that. Yeah, she did not continue watching. She just saw the butthole, said it's a way better butthole than hers. I did, I was like, damn, that is a nice butthole said it's a way better butthole than hers. I did I was like damn that is a nice bottle and I

Got nervous. I paused But it made me think she spends a lot of time with a mirror on the floor looking at her but She knows her butthole looks like up against and those are things that you don't know to keep a relationship working 20 years we're doing over now. It's coming up. How's your ball? We don't know probably dirty. I Didn't shower yesterday and Then had the immediate. Oh god. Damn it. I ate a fucking shit. Like, I had to dry off to shit. And I, my asshole's claimed from fucking

two and a half minutes of shower and nothing. These fucking blood clots got me being more healthy. So my diet is increasing. I'm dropping some weight. I'm feeling healthier. And shitting is the bane of my fucking existence. It used to be a pleasant thing. I'd go in, I would blow liquid out.

It would be a fast fucking water. Oh, so now it's not fluid all the time? Now you get like normal people shit. So, suddenly you're like, this is a horrible cleanup process. I don't understand why this is beneficial or better. What I had before was way better. I don't know why anytime shitting,

shitting your pants, pissing your pants, I go, why isn't our whole podcast just like, diarrhea with Doug Stanton? Diarrhea with Doug Stanton. He has the diarrhea, has- I have like 20 of them. I can't believe you're not wearing- Scatological philosophy.

Yeah, I don't I don't I'm not a fan. If you know, you've normal people with your shits, you're gross. You disgust me with your nasty. It's like good to good. Where it's like it's bad in the middle. It's good on either side. Like a no wiper like a clean drop and you're like whoa I know that's silly musk and

silly musk is the fucking the greatest fucking just I've had those two and I still will fucking tell you right now I don't like it when I have to lean all the way down and grab my ankles and make noises and stuff before poop fucking comes out. I don't like that. I like it when you sit down and it goes, shoof, and you hear a splash and you go, gotta fucking clean the underside of the rim on this one. And then you're done.

This one? That's it. What did I do? When you have to reach into your vagina to shit, it's not a quiet affair. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What do I sound like? I picture it as such. reach into your vagina to shit, it's not a quiet affair. What do I sound like? You sound like you won't shut the door, first of all.

This has been the running thing daily. Oh yeah, this is true. Like he's fucking delivering a child that's like eight months post-mature. And she's like, and I just, I go, let me help you with that. And I shut the fucking door. He doesn't slam it on me. He just says, let me help you with that. Clink. And it walks away. Call it like, he does it to me every day. We say, can I get, and for God's sake, clean the toilet.

That's your job. Was your asshole a blunderbuss? It's scattered stuff. And it's not diarrhea splatter. It's fucking just cakey shit. Well, hang on. Ben, and this probably didn't come up with your doctor.

What? The fact that your new diet for the last months has been she'll eat between two or three quarts of cottage cheese a day. I'm sure that has nothing to do with the reason your ass was blown out. You eat fucking 32 ounces of cottage cheese a day. Most chicks are afraid of getting cottage cheese ass,

but not in this way. I don't think it's 32 quarts. I don't think it's 32 quarts. No, 32 quarts, 32 ounces. Those are 16 ounce fucking giant tubs. Okay. That's two quarts of cheese. I don't eat all of that. There's probably this much left in one.

Well, no, it's whatever's caking the bowl is. You can say. Oh. Oh. Oh. No, no, not the caking the bowl on the second. The entry caking the bowl, not the. Do you know how much shit of years I clean up all the time?

No, I take silly, Musk. I take these fucking perfect no wiper dumps. What's the consistency of those? If there is just like a fucking, it's like pulling a fucking dildo out of your ass. See, shitting seems really fucking gay. I don't like it. I don't like pain in my butthole. If I did, I would probably have a different lifestyle, But I don't. It's the solid version of diarrhea.

It's just zoop out, you're like, oh, lift off. And then it's done. That sounds kind of satisfying. It's a one wiper, cause you have to look at the fucking clean paper. So there's no such, a no wiper is really, that's a brave move. If you honestly don't wipe,

is the checker, they're gonna do the checker paper. I'll tell you one thing, I learned, I had to learn how to wipe my sound one time because I went to the, in the army, where there's a foxhole and a lot of stuff going on and a field problem, and snuck to the shitter in the middle of the night and forgot my flashlight and realized right away like, oh, fuck, how do you know when you're done

if you don't have light? So I just had to keep going until it sounded right. It's not slippery anymore. I can feel the hairs again. That's it. But it never occurred to me. Say one time I was in the army and there was the same guy, both stories. I would go you and the shitter and there's a long line of shitter at the

motor pool. When I gave my farewell speech, that was what I told. I said, I'm going to miss having people to talk to while I take shits. There's people talking about what they would miss in the army. And there was a guy, we'd have a barbecue in the motor pool and I'd go in there and take him to shit. And all of a sudden this guy would show up next to you, nine other stalls.

And he comes to the one right next to you, drops his pants, sits down, and then his fucking plate of food sits down on the floor like, that motherfucker brought your, you brought your plate from the barbecue into the public shitter and then he set it on the ground but that was also the guy who's the first time I heard which you're sitting there next to me again taking shit and then all of a sudden he's done I know he's done cuz I hear him roll but then I just hear like fucking Here. I fucking figure is wrong.

I was like, ah, what the fuck is that? And then it dawned on me like, you know what? We all wipe our buttholes different and nobody knows how you do this. It's a secret. The secret that we all have. And you don't say, what do you think about the way someone else does?

It's disturbing. When you think about the way someone else does, it's disturbing. The great thing about the UK or Europe in general, most of the time they have full fucking door. You shouldn't. And the vacancy on the shitters. So you can tell you don't have to knock or look under it. See people's feet. They have full cocaine stalls.

Yeah. Yes, good name, Paul. Or jack stalls of your Andy. Andy doesn't have cancer, he just came up clean. People probably already know that from his several posts. But yeah, he was shitting blood. Or is he telling everybody? No, he fucking, we were in one hotel over there

that was like not sketchy, it was a nice hotel, but things were fucked up from the beginning. And then when I get into my room, we dropped our shit and then went straight to the bar. And then when I get back to my room, after we, all right, this doesn't work and the sauna's out of order or whatever. And I go to take a piss for the first time since I dropped my bags I forgot Andy had said taking a shit in my room when we dropped my bags

So I opened the toilet and this fucking bloody toilet paper in there, and I'm immediately thinking housekeeping Didn't even fucking flush the last guess. And I'm like, wait, that was Andy. And he goes, oh yeah, that was a light blood one. So I was like, I started booking travel for the second half of this year. And I'm like booking these rooms where I've taken the cheap price, but it's non-refundable. I gotta stop doing that till Andy gets his scans back. One of these flights, I need to be refundable.

The other one, I'm going on for sure. So yeah, he came back, because I was worried. He's puking a lot. I see, I didn't know all that details. And the way I found out Andy was cancer-free was in our Wordle text. And he said he's cancer-free. And now my response just seems like a fucking the truth

and I'm an asshole because I said, oh good, but your alcoholism is at a stage four. Well, that has to be the reason. He's not, he pretty much quit drinking. This weekend. No, no, no, I mean like before all of this, yeah. Yeah, it's like, on the road is a different story because he's fucking, you know, always, you know,

not terrified of his, but all day we're like, oh God, we're not into this, I can't even think of a funny thing, and then, yeah, three glasses of wine before the fucking, and you go, oh, okay, I see. We get our pattern down now. The only problem is when I bring him back up, we do like high notes together.

And like, if he's gone out, I think we're gonna, after Norway and Sweden, a week in being in a fucking, those are like serious no weed places, which you think progressive, you know, that's what you think about with Norway. Hey, you have a prison system that works, and you educate them. And you're like, what's the case?

But you'd think that weed would be, and it's so hard to find. That, that I feel bad for Andy. I know. Andy was getting, yeah, there were times, and there were states that we went to like South Dakota Yeah, like he was getting visibly fucking big edgy like me Cranky and fucking kicking things and yeah, that's not a want that's a need and so in fucking Sweden

Norway like he'd be trolling Before the show like wandering the park and the and hoping someone would recognize him and give him weed and we're in a foreign country. So you can't openly fucking, like here, if it's not, if it's Texas say, hey, who's got fucking weed? I'm out of weed. There's no dispensaries here.

Someone's gonna show up. No, you did that for me in Texas. Remember someone spoke weed with me out of an apple. Yeah, I remember. And he couldn't find any kind of pipe. No, you did that for me in Texas remember someone spoke weed with me out of an apple And he couldn't find any kind of pipe so That was Holy fun. What an idea. My mind's going crazy. What happened? So, we're in, that was Oslo, we're downtown and it's this very nice theater that has Annie and Wizard playing on any given night and then we're there on the Saturday.

Wizard or Wicked? Wicked, that's it, I don't fucking know. Andy had all these references about, he knows what they are, I don't fucking know. Andy had all these references about, he knows what they are, I don't know how he knows these things. But we're in a very nice hotel with a steakhouse bar downstairs, so we can't find a pipe.

But he finds a can, and he just needs a push pin. But whatever he found for a push pin wasn't working. So he steals his steak knife, and puts it up his sleeve and he's about to walk to probably the toilet or wherever he's going to go to make this pipe. And bartender goes, did you just take a knife? And he goes, oh yeah. He pulls the... Ta-da! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! He walked around and it's like when he has this little fucking pipe,

you can casually or if he has rolling papers, but he swears I can't roll a joint. So you can find papers, but he'd rather so. And you can't smoke out of a can. First of all, this is a nice theater and a little kind of mall like a like a corporate comedy club, but with a nice theater, a Folkentheater. And I woke up 4.30 in the morning, one morning, and I went outside to smoke. I posted a picture of it on Instagram,

and there's a fucking junkie lady with a whole plumber butt crack, being out naked ass, trying to find a vein in the junkie, leaning up against the fucking door of this nice place. But Andy has to panic and go out and smoke dope out of a can. But no one, there's a guy actually sweeping up cigarette butts around the junkies that can't find a vein. It wasn't a quick operation.

You should have hit them up for weed. That's your weed connect right there. We gotta work the system you're dealt with. Yeah but weed just didn't seem like a popular thing over there. Yeah no I can... Well you don't want to push any envelopes. Yeah so you just stuck with what you have. He went to find rolling papers and we stopped and there's like a fruit stand and he goes, oh, I can smoke out of an apple. That'd be easier.

And I go, oh, we don't have any of their money. We're there for a day, you know? And you can't give a fucking American Express to a fruit vendor for an apple. How much is this apple? But if I just want to smoke weed out of it. What's the money translate? What's that in Krona? I don't want to get fucked over on an apple here just because I asked. Did you get an apple?

How much for half an apple? I could make a pipe out of half an apple. What college was this? He had some coins, so he had to walk all the way back to the hotel to get his coins to go get the apple. And I don't know if he ever used it or not. Oh my god. Yeah, he'd have to go to all. But he did find weed every night.

OK. But it was a process. And there was a lot of hanging around. Makes you appreciate your weed more when you get home. But it's one of those things. Now you have to smoke it with them. And it's never the guy that has the fucking supply.

No, the guy that you would not mind smoking weed with is the one who gives it to you and lets you just fucking take it. Yeah. Here, buddy. No, you probably would have been all right. But yeah, having to like go out in front before the show. So after the show is fine. You know, we take pictures,

but feel lingering as people are coming in, making eye contact. Huh? Huh? Oh, I'm gonna make a drink. Speaking of addicts. Lingering as people are coming in making eye contact. Yeah I'm gonna make a drink speaking of addicts I'm watching fucking junkies shoot up. So what poor addicts as I'm smoking cigarettes at 430 in the morning I'll have another one. Well, I can't I can't stop watching this. I'm not an addict. I'm not the sad one. They're sweeping up my cigarette butts and they're fucking used needles. You just choose your addictions. That's all you can do. That's the best you can hope for in

life I believe. You know what? I'm going to run in and get that. Channel it to One Direction. That's my favorite band. What? One Direction. Is that even a band? I think it's a band, but I'm very surprised that Hope knows it's a band. I think Stano might be gay. I think, well, I know he's gay. Oh yeah.

He better be gay. He better be gay. He better be gay. That motherfucker better be gay. All in the mix. Yeah. I figured next year will be the tour where Stanhope and Andy get married. They're so gay on tour. Honeymoon tour.

Do you know they sleep in bed together more than I sleep with Stanhope? I swear on my life. I 100% believe that. I know both of them very well. Yeah. And that makes complete sense. I mean, it's so adorable that I can't be mad. It is so cute.

No, they're a good couple. Yeah. They're a very good couple. They make a good couple. A power couple. Yeah, no, yeah, a good couple. Yeah, they make a good couple. A power couple. Yeah, no, yeah, power couple. Yeah, I think, in my opinion, you know, maybe my opinion skewed, but. I'm going to stop myself short of using a bloody merry glass or wine. Oh yeah. Oh,

look how sophisticated of you. I keep my pinky up when I jack off dogs. I'm a classy guy. I'm a classy guy. Oh god damn it. Good morning. This is why I wanted to do all this in one day. I'll take it. This is fun. I'm having a good time hanging out with you guys for sure. I love hearing your stories. To me, it's, you know, so much fun watching you guys just go have fun.

You know, that is a... You're old. I don't think you have a lot of fun left, do you? Andy likes to wander, so he does stuff and he goes out and he fucking... Nouveau Riche, because I'm paying him. And so like he's just constantly got fucking. I took what he had to buy. He stole a very funny sign that is in Swedish and that fart is like stank and farting

but it means something like the fucking do not enter. I don't know. Quit stealing our sign. I go, how did you get this off? He goes, oh, they, they over here, they just like, there's magnets or something because they trust people over there. So Andy had to get a bigger roller bag. He spent $210 in the airport to get a roller bag that will fit the sign. And I go, I'll take the other bag back because it's a really, your other bag. It get a roller bag that will fit the sign and I go I'll take

the other bag back because it's a really your other bag it's a good bag. New vote Rich. Yeah. New vote. It's a new vote way of saying things. Sorry I just had to comment, he's been eating at me the whole time. I see he fucking couldn know all the bad. We're in Indiana.

You got to we're right downtown by the arena. So we got a Pacers hat there in the playoffs and you get a patient. I said, yeah, I'm a Pacers fan now because it's really cold. He didn't have a hat. So he's but now he has Norway hats he has hats from fucking Indian fashion monger yeah his bag that I took bag he had forgotten a pocket that had different postcards and Norway magnets and all sorts of shit and this is probably the dumbest overpriced shit he's now looking

for a car his car died Oh, yes, he told me that so he was like, oh god damn it. I wish Chad shank were up here so he could negotiate But he he adventures out in ways like We were somewhere you can tell me where but he We were somewhere, you can tell me where, but he adopted a whole flock of ducks and he was trying to help them cross the road. He got a box. He was trying to get us to give him a ride for the ducks. I mean he has adventure, full on adventure.

If you think there's an adventure with Andy. It's fucking awesome. And I think I said it the last time when we were talking about Andy stories And I still picture it when we do is we got to find an animator to just do Andy Finding ducks and just a series of all the dumb little shit that Andy does because well God knows always Remember when he tried to catch the the foul ball at the ballgame Yeah, and then hurt his hand and went to the first aid and tried to get narcotics. He was very disappointed. Did I get Vicodin?

Yeah. I don't understand. What do you mean you got Vicodin? There's barely a red mark on his forearm where he missed. But he needs Vicodin. For a strawberry. Like there wouldn't just be junkies out there fighting over foul balls if you could get hit with one and get viking in it. Okay, but the funny part is how often he wins on these things.

Yeah, he made record time for the Boston Marathon at qualifying by sneaking in for the last quarter. I have the medal. Is that the medal I have? Yeah, he gave me the trophy medal. He told a story once about driving and there was a long line of people. So he just parked and got in the end of the line. No idea what the fuck he was doing.

Made it to the front of the line and it was a bank and it was during COVID and he got like $400 for fucking some sort of COVID rebate. Just from getting in a fucking line that he had no idea. He's a weird version of the guy that like hits on every girl and says it's a numbers game. He's not going for the girl. He started like, he started pre boarding because now he uses the excuse that he's a combat

veteran which technically. Yeah. So and in the states they can't ask you why. You're just pretty bored. Anyone, sorry, but it's a life hack. The other one is if you wanna vape on a plane, bring fart spray with you. Because they can sit off. When you found out for hack auditing,

you got busted for vaping on a plane, it set off the alarm, and they let him off, because he's a charming guy, I guess. But I go, if you have that fucking shit spray that we have, it's so fucking rotten egg smelling. No, it's a good question. If you just vape, there's no smoke to see. It will work.

Imagine you need to vape so bad that you have to make an emergency fucking landing because they're like, something has broken in the airplane. Not if you fucking spray the shit spray. They're gonna say, he took a shit that was so horrible and set off the alarm. They'd probably bump you up to first class feeling bad. You don't think that that would be more like,

the fucking shit panel is broken. It's leaking into their luggage compartment. The whole fucking bottom is going to drop out because it's currently being filled with shit. We have to pull over. Pull over. Ha ha ha ha ha. I got that.

Ha ha ha ha. She came out, it's funny though. Ha ha ha ha. So, so, and this is a story, when I would fake cerebral palsies pre-bore because it's funnier than to just walk. Not to me. But the one time that Bingo wouldn't follow me,

I'm not, I have nothing to do with you, so I- I'm furious. She's way back and I have her tickets. I sit her out. So mad. I go, good bye! So mad! But Andy did that to me over fucking Norway and Oslo.

He goes to pre-board and he just, I guess he told her, yeah, I got a stomach, I gotta eat a sandwich really quick. He just mumbled something about it. I have to eat a sandwich as soon as possible. But then he's like, Doug, come here. Like I was having no part of him. Now you know how it feels, asshole. That was my point. Fuck you.

Yeah, it's gonna give me more credibility if I hold onto your shoulder. Like, all right, you motherfucker. Andy told a story one time where he did that and ended up right in the middle of a group home full of retarded people and ended up becoming a caretaker for one of them the entire way.

Well, he started to like, they all pre-boarded and they're all in one section and then he goes to his seat and they're like, sir, your group is- That's awesome. That is so awesome. Yeah, I don't think you got out of sorts at all. Okay. I mean, the piss in his pants night. This is pretty far for the course. I've seen Andy Fizz's Fist three times in Las Vegas. In the same night? No, on three different trips. pretty far for the course. I've seen Andy Fizz's Fest three times in Las Vegas. In the same night? No, on three different trips. Okay.

He did, man that guy could still pull if he, he's like, if I checked my Instagram last night and had some blue pills, look at, and so some girl that had been at the show sends him a picture of her semi-clad around a stripper pole with mirrors. And she had socks on too, so it was like 70s porn. What's with the socks? You wear socks fashionably. These are like.

Oh, just regular socks? Like, did you just come from the gym? And he's like, ah, well, I could have. I just didn't check my text because she had said, hey, I came to this show, I loved your show. If you want to hang out with this picture. For being the oldest one amongst us and having already beat cancer, Andy is still the youngest looking kind of one of all of us, even though I'm way younger than he is.

He does. At that night especially, because those were all theaters, so he was working the stage. He's kind of usually just stands and does this it But he was doing fucking floppy hunter s Yeah, we're gonna kill this podcast and then we're gonna do some fucking cut and paste over there with the fucking Busby Observer Police be I got a glue story Chad shank, which we've never done Chad shank doing police beat No, I might just do a police beat without you Because well because we've tried that before we're like, no you just read these I like no the fun part is where we go back For I think and Chad's out there on the mainstream

Yes Wow, I was like nostalgia. Yeah, but we found again, I was on Edibles. I found trails anyway, you'll see it. Like, okay, this, all right, the first two are from two or three weeks ago. But yeah. All right, all right, all right. It will be as much a surprise to me as it will be to everybody else.

It will be surprising to me if Bingo can get those cut out. I had an exacto knife I was having a hard time using to cut out the ones that put... Oh shit. Oh god. Alright, we have to go. He just spilled some weed. Drop the weed, they'll get us. Alright, it's been a long time.

I don't think we've ever done the police beat since we've done video. So, pardon the reading glasses. This is the serious- To be fair, the last time we did police beat, I did not need reading glasses. True. It's gone on and on.

But we do have to report back to you who are always inquiring what's happening on the mean streets in the downtrodden town of Bisbee, Arizona, where it's dangerous to move to. It used to be a tourist mecca. Now cartels are dragging bodies through the streets as a warning, but the mainstream media will not cover it.

We'll have footage coming up. Just catapulting them over the fence. I want to hear a police beat that's not full of dead bodies and miscreants and murder and kidnapping. Just give me something fluffy like stuff, like kitten videos on YouTube. Doug Stanilov, I have just what you're after. A caller requested assistance resetting a cat trap. Well, you're looking out.

Is that what you're, I mean, Yes. We also have a, a caller wanted to surrender a cat. I don't know if that's like giving up a weapon, but- Uh. Meow. No, let the cat keep crying during this. Mewing, it's not about you.

Not everything's about you. Is there any more kitten related things? On May 13th, the caller requested assistance removing an angry cat that she entrapped in a spare bedroom. There seems to be a theme going on here. All right, I'll be honest. Two of these were from two weeks or three weeks before that I set up, but go ahead.

They're all actual police beats. A caller reported a dead cat next to her mailbox. I'm seeing a pattern I'm a profiler by heart. A caller requested help getting back their cat earn and math paper they gave to a person. Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? Cat urn. It starts out with a cat trap.

Goes into an angry cat. That's why, well, I'll save it for the next Please Be with Chad Shank.