The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Is Hemorrhoid Cancer a Thing?

Episode Date: January 26, 2026

Originally uploaded for members only Nov16As the tour comes to a close, Doug and Andy find a moment to squeeze out a podcast before hitting the stage in Portland, Maine. Doug's 94 yr old Aunt Bev also makes an appearance, remembering his first time on TV (included at the end!)If you’re 21 or older, get 25% OFF your first order + free shipping on orders $89+ @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE #indacloudpodSupport the show & get 20% off your first Lucy order with code STANHOPE at https://www.lucy.co/STANHOPESupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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we we booked this during foliage on purpose and we're now like the fucking bartender at the hotel Andy was talking to Adrian about yeah yeah it stopped to take a lot of pictures on the way for me let me guess leaves yeah she goes I hope you weren't taking pictures of leaves which is exactly what we're taking pictures of is fucking gorgeous yeah that's what you do up here right as old men we're on 94 year your old aunt came to a show. She's never been allowed to see my show in her life. They wouldn't allow me.

Who was in charge of her that would say, don't go to a seat? Well, the one daughter that wasn't there is a born-again Christian. And she's a one who went fucking ballistic when gay cousin Nancy came out of the closet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were there for that and don't remember that. Wait, I didn't go to the Swingers Club. Nancy saw us both naked and a swingers club in Portland, Oregon.

Mamu. I do remember going into the club. I don't remember exiting or the amp part. But, yeah. We talked to him into showing up, and they walked in it. We were in, like, the first hot tub there and jumped up naked. Manzi! She's like, I don't think we're going to stay.

But, yeah. She was still sampling dudes at that time, right? No, no. No, she had just gotten dumped by her long-time girlfriend, but what the fuck? That happens. All right. That's probably Adrian locked out. God damn.

Adrian locked out. I don't know that. Hey, if you're one of our sponsors, get a hold of me, man. I've been drinking again, and I really need to check in. I can't talk now. this guy's got... Spam risk. Oh, spam risk.

All right. Yeah, Auntie Bev shows up at the, a day drinking show, which is probably good. Yeah. She probably goes to bed at 4.30 in the afternoon. Noon at a mall. Fucking drinking margaritas. Yeah, that was cool because I noticed that. It's like, oh, wow, not only as, you know, as aunt here, she's having a beverage and

mozzarella sticks. Yeah, and chicken wings? Chicken wings. She took to go. Funny bone food. to go. She took that. Well, you have to because it's law.

Two items. We have a two item minimum, so they were compliant. No, they were enjoying Funny Bone food, which is, yeah, of first. We don't eat Funny Bone Food. I have, but it's, yeah, it's, I'm not, I'm never again.

It's not specifically Funny Bone Food. Wait, no. Comedy Club food in general. Yeah, I had a, chain comedy. I had a wedge. salad that we both stabbed at in a drunken state and ate a little bit, just a bit of. But, yeah, as far as, yeah, some people, like, you know, take chicken tenders to go or something.

It's like, they, they're. I was so fucking nervous. They're peas. Just having her there because the show started half an hour late and not, like, usually they check in with you, the club. Hey, sorry, we're still seeing people. Is it cool? And they didn't say dick to us.

They're just, I'm like, did I get it wrong? Is this? Oh, right. Yeah, that was the distant staff. At 94 years old, you go, all right, 30 minutes is a lot of my life. Yeah. I don't know how much that could be. Well, if you go and count down clock or whatever, it's probably 20% of what she has left. Yeah, she's, well, I think average age is 77, so she's already, you know, beating the house.

Yeah. Old ladies, old ladies don't know when to call it good. And she's great, you're, you know, but I've been in those nursing homes or whatever, and there's not a lot of dudes. It's the opposite of our shows. It's a lot of ladies. Yeah, we did make the show kind of pivot around her, so we got some footage of that. You know what? Like you say, I don't remember how to pronounce things, is I kept wanting to call her a different, like Aunt Fay or, you know.

Auntie Bev. Antibov. Yeah, yeah. Beverly. The person that was never allowed to see my show is here tonight. My 94-year-old Aunt Beverly is here. She was looking at my 94. I don't care.

And Granny is spry. I was something like you had bad hearing or something. You hear my act? She's all good with her. She's an angel soon. I kept calling her ma from stage, but people knew who I was talking about. The fucking white-haired woman in the wheelchair that when I was, that's one way you can get people to stop talking to you before a show is lean on the back

of the wheelchair of a very elderly woman. Yeah. But she's not, I mean, she's completely with it. Yeah, she was fun and got to learn little snippets of your childhood, but not really. You know, like you said, it was kind of an overview. Good morning to see if you remember this for a long time. You were on a show, a comedy show, and Smokey Robinson introduced you. Grant was there.

And Grant was in the audience. He was in the audience. That was my first TV show evening. evening at the improv. And he said, from Walsh to Massachusetts, and you said, thank you, Smooky Rubinson. Thank you. Yes. What is that?

But, you know, he was, he's such a nice boy. And I go, you know what? He's still pretty nice. But sometimes he can be a little not nice. You know, you don't have to be. You're funny anyway. I don't care if you're dirty, but you don't need to be. Because you've always been funny.

I do love this town now that I've been here twice, at least. But the weed stores per space, you know, usually there's an old gentleman's dress clothes place. But now it's just weed store. Yeah, fucking weed stores everywhere. There was a, well, I'll ask you guys later on the staff that we passed the cannabis museum that was shut down and for lease. I'm sure everyone's celebrated weed being legalized so big at the beginning. And then you're like, it's like a city that gets the Olympic Games.

And then afterwards, you're like, all right, what are we going to do? It's like the brocust communities or states or counties. And then legal weed comes in. And it's like millions of dollars spent in a few hours. Andy just described Portland as a Portland, Maine. This Portland, he said to Adrian, he said, yeah, it's all right. It's got a lot of, you know,

hairs hanging out of the bikini line, you know what I mean? Which, I don't know. Yeah, it's a nice community. There's a lot of strays. There's a few edges that need to be trimmed. Is it opioids here or meth or just whatever they can get? Opioids, yeah. I saw a couple of documentaries that were New England based about the opioids.

It doesn't, opioids don't fit with the accent. It's just something about... Fentanyl fits with any accent. Man, it's just slurs. And you're on the nod. Yeah. You should pronounce your R's. I don't...

Do people still do the... Vycodin? That was an early... Yeah, that was like Brett Farv thing. Yeah, yeah. I got Vicodin of when I get hernia surgeries, and it didn't do shit. Yeah.

Crushing oxies. Yeah, panculars were never a thing for me. Chasing the blue line down. the aluminum foil at all. This is going to be another fucking, every time it's, we call these Meet Your Neighbor gigs where you have fucking stacking rental chairs in a row and like,

all right, if you're stuck in the middle seat, make sure you get, feel free to get up, go to the bathroom, take a piss, go downstairs and get high, get a drink, or I can't imagine. This is a pretty good turnout. But the two we've had. Both of the shows we had with the chairs like this,

we had someone fucking pass out. Actually, no, Providence wasn't. Providence was, you know, comedy seceded. But I've had a string recently, so when I'm up, be aware somebody's about to go down. It's that they pregame with the edibles and about when I'm almost done with my presentation. I've seen it.

I've seen, I didn't see the... Two times, EMT's called, both times the guy... The guy, the first guy, pulled off the EKGs and said, I'm going to stay for the show. He didn't leave the room.

Paramedics came to him. The next night, this guy saw, he went down like Joe Frazier, his knees buckling, and he went down, and then they got him out, and then I went outside,

because it's like, you mentioned it, and I was like, oh, fuck, yeah, I should be taping this. This is happening a lot. But I went out, and the ambulance was out there.

and then that guy, the door opened up and that guy came out and goes, I want to see the rest of the show. And then he looked at me and he goes, you were doing great, I hope I didn't ruin it. And I go, ah, you know, what I told him what I said. I go, I'm like the reverse of a faith healer. Because I just thought that was funny

because they fall down, but they have injuries. And we've only had two ejections. And I think I thought, I count it up. That wasn't even, that wasn't part of this tour. That was just a standalone in Key West. Is that the, oh, oh, Two people, one lady we had to throw out because she was just so drunk, she couldn't stop talking. I'm like, listen, I only have one last bit.

And if you can just stop talking, it's, I'm going to throw you out. All you have to do is stop. All right. Yeah. And then she sexually harassed. She sexually harassed me. She goes, I'll fuck you. And then had that red nose thing and was poor.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, man. A whole group of people that had the red, like, clown fucking nose. Like they were going to get us, like, that Christmas movie. They were going, oh, the chattering teeth, you got it. Yeah, hey, I'm going to be the funniest person in the room. Our whole table is going to wear clown noses. And that'll, I think the fucking, it's crowd wrap.

It's crowdwork that makes people fucking show up and think the show's going to be about them. You didn't see that, but she goes, oh, who wants the fuck? And then she started doing it like a, you know, like a snatch or whatever. Yeah. And then she wants to. walked down and she said he called me a cunt yeah yeah i think i said that i didn't say the guy was ducking her at the bar i mean we said cunt quite a bit probably i called that lady in uh in uh in uh where your brother was at providence but i said what do you one of them i said it real quick i said

what do you one of them cunt an tifa cunc you know i said it in a way that and then she stayed and she stayed and smile you know but she was she she was got uh blasting out about uh it's good that people are standing with machine guns over drag queens. Oh yeah, no, I heard that one. I heard of you. One of those anti-Antipa-Cuncant. At least this green room, I'll be able to hear your set. There was, like, one green room was the first, that one where the guy fucking passed out

the first time. Oh, we have a medical situation. Medical emergency in the back of the room. Another building upstairs, but they have a feed-in, so I had to run down the stairs, run over to the show. That, that's what I got out of it. I mean, now that this has happened twice. And the first time I was like, oh, shit, there's a medical emergency.

I don't want to shit on, you know, say, come on, douchebag, keep it together, and then he dies or something. But after one, and then seeing him pull the, you know, it's just like, I get it, you know. I mean, I've been there. I've been the overedible guy and falling around or whatever. But the best one was Albany Funny Bone. Lori is the manager there. She's been around for a fucking million years.

She's just adorable and fun And we're walking in during the afternoon Just to scope out the place Drop off merch early And we see her And she's like, oh God, so I'm so happy To see you guys back You guys are the greatest of all time

And so But there had been a kid out in front This is in a mall Hollering it at the top of his lungs You fuck you At a and a late and his girlfriend with her head bowed. So it seemed like a, you know, domestic situation,

him screaming over her. But he also was saying shit where it sounded like. It's due your fucking state law. I get a 30 fucking man. Break this is a fucking bullshit. Right. So it seemed like a really bad PGI Friday's dress down, you know, like an office wobble.

Office space if they made it into a thriller. If I had a taser, I'd go, Don't you think you're being a little hard on the lady and then just taser? Yeah, well, we found out. Or a zapper would be better. We found out. It wasn't a domestic at all. They had just been fired.

And they had to call the cops on them. And they almost got no fist or cuffs with the cops. And they got fired from the funny bone. And so Lori says, I'm sorry you had to witness that. And I go, what? that has something to do with you? And she goes, yeah, if I knew they'd gotten fired from Dave and Busters, I wouldn't have hired him in the first place.

But then she says, but I kind of like the chaos. She's fucking brilliant. So two hours later, I had this fucking lengthy email from some fan. I broke. I have no money. I have seizures. So I couldn't even hold down my job loading trucks. and the

Trump fucked me so hard and disability and the just this big sob story so I go all right I'll put one comp and I don't fucking comp anyone

I didn't Auntie Bev paid for her fucking ticket bitchy wow yes your brother definitely had to pay for his ticket

my brother he showed up my estranged brother yeah we had some fun with him cut that in now my brother is here tonight if you've read any of my book Jeff Stanhope

give him a round of applause go see the automatics. My brother and I, we had a falling out about 10 years ago and we just kind of reunited briefly last summer at my gay cousin Nancy's very gay wedding who came out of the closet, way too old to be very gay.

She took her too long, but we hugged it out, but we haven't really talked much since. I'm having like this weird thing with panic attacks driving. I've been, we're driving on this tour. I get a rental car. So I get panic attacks on the freeways, like the elevated fucking overpass things.

I get these. And I know that there's this, I, before I ever got panic attacks, I remember when we would go from his house in Warren up to Worcester. There's this weird fucking interchange where there's seven lanes of traffic are all trying to do this. And even as a fucking spry kid, I was fucking terrified. and now I would just have a meltdown and put on my hazard lights and emergency break.

And I thought to myself, maybe I should call Jeff and ask them, like, how can I get around that fucking thing? Because I'll kill us both, which would be actually the way to go. One of us is going to die before the end of the tour. That would be the way. Let me get my next C-scan and see what happens.

But then... I would drive, but people... Here's the, Doug doesn't like my driving But people, yeah, but here's why I would rather not have people in my car If they're gonna be skittish And everybody who rides with me Gets nervous

He's got fucking three DUIs And two of them, he wasn't drunk And says, I don't know, I got a DUI at point zero one I go, that doesn't happen Well it's because he was fucking so high And fucking probably smoking weed at the time But you have to like burrow into his stories. That's why I didn't call him

when he had cancer. Because the first time I did, he said, oh yeah, they started to go fund me for me. Maybe that's where that joke came from. And I blew it all on fucking not hookers and fucking dope, but basically.

I used a little for Coke in Vegas. My daughter was like, people didn't send money in so you could party in Vegas. Like, some of them did. Hey, here's my, here's the joke I wrote from my brother. I was going to ask him, how do I avoid that whole fucking I-95 bullshit? Because I have panic attacks.

But we haven't really talked since we've fucking hugged it out that one time. And so I go, I'm not going to be the guy that caves in and asks a very important question that might save our lives. And then Andy goes, oh, there's a, on your GPS, there's a thing you can avoid highways. and I went, oh, I didn't know there was an app that could replace my brother. What times we live in? You can get an A... I'll never tell that joke again.

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All right. Yeah. So I gave this guy a comp, and this is two hours later. We're coming back for the show, and the same cops are back in front of the club when we show up, and I looked at Lori. I go, let me guess. It was my one comp.

Yup. He got thrown out before the show fucking started. He was drunk and like yanking on the waiter's go-toe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing really dumb shit. Like, if you, you know... Fucking crazy stuff. Get a free ticket.

You can't get into the showroom because you're too fucked up or whatever. But he, uh, we thought he was getting handcuffed, but it turns out he was just used to getting handcuffed. Because like, sometimes... Assume the position. You get a lot of interaction with police just know they're getting arrested and he was doing that shit. And then he was like, Stanhope. Stanhope would be like, let's hit the green room. Yeah, that was, that was fun.

I mean, you know. And he's fine now. He's back home. Yes. Brad Samson, we're going to throw out. I'm not wearing it right now because I'm scared to wear this guy from Canada. He brings me, he finds suits like this suit jackets, and he'll mail them to me. He'll send, text me a picture, this is your size.

You want me? Should I bother sending it? And he brought me this fucking fantastic white vintage tuxedo jacket with a brown felt trim. It's like a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting ish, but not. I'll save that for Florida. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Florida. Fuck.

We're so close to the... It's been so beautiful. I fucking... I hate highway driving and Andy... I drive fine. People that ride with me are the problem.

And I don't... And quite honestly, when people complain about my driving, I agree with him. I'm inattentive. I'm all over the road or whatever, but I have a certain rhythm and I haven't killed. I tend to speed heavily when you have fucking drugs that are illegal in that state.

If a car, I'll go up to 100, I'll climb up there for a minute or whatever and back down to 60 and 80 or, and there's no rhyme or reason, but I don't like driving with people that are skittish, so Doug's been doing all the driving. Well, I'm the same.

I get these fucking panic attacks, and it's more than I'm like, Oh, Andy's going to get him. Anyway, this is a therapist discussion. People don't like it. For instance, when you're smoking like a gram joint and it's dangling and you're smoking, you know, and just burning and driving and listening to whatever music. And I find the people who are cool with that to be fewer and farther between.

Like, just relax, man. It's a fucking hybrid. We got, we started. There's just two off shows in Oklahoma, which we got a fan that said, oh, I'll drive you between the two, and I'm like, I'll definitely take that. You know, at a certain age, I don't want to drive. Tell us where we are, Andy. We are in.

Tulsa, Oklahoma, because we won a contest. We were the last caller. Where was friends, Rebecca and Gary. and as a first leg of this first show of this leg and is a day drinking show which to us means noon

and they said hey we're going to come up to the show and we'll give you a ride to the show and then a ride back to Oklahoma City for tomorrow night show but we thought it was a noon time show and then we showed up it's a 4 p.m. Now we're in gray, dismal Tulsa looking for a drift store.

to kill three hours before the show. I forgot my deodorant and so I get to stop at a Walgreens. That killed at least 11 minutes, you know, because I had to get the best deal on a little tiny... They overpriced their mouthwash as I wanted to get a regular size and it was $9. So I got a travel size and the shit green flavor. I thought I'm going to just try to do the best I can keeping these teeth working. working well we had time to look for a dollar tree where we could have gotten a whole thing of

mouthwash from china that i'm sure isn't dangerous at all for a buck and a quarter i had to uh i had to chuck all my mouthwash at security as they said i'd had half a bottle and they said well it's the size of the bottle not the amount of liquids so i did four ounces of gargling Did you swallow it? No, I spit it into the sink. I was with Clear, so they just had some laughs, and it wasn't an incident. I'm not going to throw out my mouth or ins. So go to Clear.com and use promo code Stanhope.

That's promo code Stanhope for 20% off your first order of Clear. And you'll be proud to join us Clears. Every time, there's so much pride when you walk down. We're a couple of clears. Yeah, we're a couple. Are you guys with clear? Yeah, we're a couple of clears. And then they go, come on in. Thank you, Gary and Rebecca, for that. That was a day drinking show where the first day of the tour in Tulsa.

So we show up at like 10.30 to get there early. They were going to pre-sell merch. There was a huge thunder and lightning storm and a fun run that was postponed and all those people were jammed in. But there was nobody in front of the club that was supposed to open. in less than an hour. Yeah, it's a noontime show. It's a day drinking show, noontime. But then we finally, when no one was there, we looked it up.

Oh, no, it's a 4 p.m. show. That's not day drinking. Yeah. It's an early night drinking. That's a Kathleen Madigan's day drinking show. This is, it's 536. So, uh, this is a day drinking show. No.

Right. But, yeah, this is, that's, yeah, exactly. That's what they started at. But it gets so dark out here. But Andy said, oh, in New York, where I get the rental and it's all toll roads. He goes, there's a thing on your GPS. You can avoid the tolls. And then I figured out, there's a thing you can avoid highways altogether on your GPS,

which is exactly what we want in New England. Yeah, we'd store space out. Every tiny little town we're going through. Yeah. Take a left on Buttercup lane. It's basically the longest gay honeymoon. without any of the sex or gayness. I mean, pretty much there's a lot of gayness.

We stop and admire the foliage together. We have an antique. He's never pronounced foliage, right? We haven't antique yet, but we do thrift stores a lot. Well, you buy too much shit. I don't even want to go to a thrift store. I'm trying to get rid of stuff. When I go home, I'm getting rid of all the shit that I bought.

Not the shit I bought, but an equal number of shit will go. I got rid of all my Dave Matthews CDs, so that has freed up a lot of space in my world. Turns out you can get it on YouTube. We're going to start seating people. What? Oh, yeah, yeah. This is my first time here in Portland, Maine, as far as I know. I know.

All I remember is that the show I did here sucked. I don't know if it was me. I don't know if it was them. I just remember I was happy to leave. Wow. I don't know if it's under-attended. I just, again, all I remember at this point, books, movies, series, anything about life. I remember if I liked it or didn't.

And I remember I did not like it last time I was here. I like it. I just don't remember. But I think I have fond memories. And the problem was, is I would- You have no memories. He didn't think you'd ever be in the state. I can remember.

Yeah, but I just don't remember. I don't pay attention a lot. So what I don't remember, I just wasn't really, I mean, I wasn't that focus when I was here before. I was on drugs, probably. And I don't know how deep into the tour we were or where we were going from there. Obviously, we did Manchester too. On some of that with Shaley, you know,

I would just get the itinerary and I would be in the back, listening to shit. But you'd play a lot of Burke Kreischer things back in those days, and I couldn't listen to that pig squealing over his own shit. So I would just, and then I would just be in a place and do a show. What I didn't. The place we played last night, the Shaskine, it's just a tiny pub, 70-seater. But they also, where we stayed at the Doubletree,

they have a weekly show there. So last time we were there, I remember, I don't remember the gig I did at all. But we were staying at the double tree. So after our pub gig, we went over there and their show was still going on. One of those fucking cranky Boston guys that only works the fucking area and he'll never leave a fucking driving distance from his house. It's just some old fucking Boston cunt comic. And so he set up a merch booth of our own merch outside of his show. Yeah, he didn't.

Some overlit banquet room at the fucking double tree. and he just didn't think it was funny at all. Just walked out, oh, cute, and just fucking took his sport coat and fucking drove back to Dorchester. And that's when you told that story, I was here for that. So I guess I have been to New Hampshire. This is, yeah, that was a long lost New England trip before. And I'm glad to be back that I'm aware of as far as I know.

Yeah. I'll probably not be aware of later. And he's going to go home. or getting close to the end of this leg and Eddie's going to go home and just lay on his belly. No, I'm going to get those. He's been doing too much sitting. I've been doing, I'm going to get some mushroom.

I'm going to get around my cat, but then I'm going to go get a place on the coast and just eat a lot of those mushrooms. I was just talking about your hemorrhoids. And they're done, man. I beat them. Oh, yeah? I jammed them up there.

Yeah, you put a cucumber up your ass. You went from being so morose for days, and then you told me that it's like I got a thumb in my ass all the time. I'm trying to train for a marathon, but mainly just trying to walk and move around more and shit. And then it was aggravating to have my asshole, of all people, my asshole that I trust. Well, it's nice when I see bloody toilet paper in the toilet that it's not cancer. It's just. I don't know.

It could be either. Can it be both? Could be both. But. Can you get hemorrhoid cancer? Can you Google that while you're on your phone? No. Is there such thing as hemorrhoid cancer?

No, it's two different things. You can get whatever the asshole cancer is. We're going to move these tables back. Yeah, no, let's get out of here. Let's close this thing. And this time I'm not killing a fruit fly. All right. That fruit fly that's been bothered.

That's funny because that's going to fuck him up. He's going to hear the fucking the clap. A man who was discovered by Bud at the Las Vegas Improv. And he's originally from muster, Massachusetts. Oh, that's Worcester. Muster Worcester. I couldn't wooster it up. He's from Worcester, Massachusetts,

and this is his national television debut. So let's give a nice warm welcome to Doug Stanhope. Big round of applause for Smooky Robinson. We did. This is great, man. Isn't this great? Jesus, at my television debut right now. I should be nervous, but I got done working a couple of weeks up through Montana.

And you think normal stage fright's one thing, but, you know, playing for bikers and rednecks and, you stand up there. I mean, normal stage fright's one thing, but when you're going to stand up in front of those guys and me looking like some kind of cellmate, dream date calendar boys. Phrasing of death, too, I was up there in February. In the Butte, Montana, it was 15 degrees below zero inside the hotel. I got out of the shower, step down, my foot froze to the tile. Had to pee on myself to get free.

I've got, I've worked some great ones. Like I sucked into working a punk rock club back in Phoenix just now. It was about as much fun as bungee jumping by your genitals here. Well, the punk rock is, it's not the music that bought. but these guys go on to their way to look like idiots. But as soon as they catch you looking at them, they cop an attitude. You know, I, like, what the hell are you looking at?

Yeah, I don't know, a horrible gene splicing accident? What? Someone throw a blow dryer in a bathtub with you? Here, standing there, you got a jet black mohawk with a skin tone about three shades grayer than rigor mortis. I don't know what I'm looking at, but if Wild Kingdom was here, Marlon Perkins would tag your ass and track your mating habits. This is great, man. This is excellent.

I'm having fun. Last road trip, I brought my girlfriend on the road with me. A genius that I am. Well, it was one night. There's a lot of driving. We drove 4,700 miles in two and a half weeks. And Dingbat gets in a car like she's nine years old all over again. She's playing all these little road games

to keep herself amused. Like, we drive over one of these cattle guards in a road. You know what I'm talking about? Those grates in a highway? We drive over one of these. No apparent reason. She winds up, pops me in the arm. So what the hell did you do that for?

She said, didn't you know? Oh, anytime you go over a cattle guard, you have to put your thumbs up in the air. If you forget, you get hit. Huh? Didn't you know that? Hey, sorry, it's been a long time since I rode the retired bus home from school. He said, screw this, man.

I started playing my own games. Oh, yeah, just make them up as I go. Boom! What'd you do that for? Oh, what, didn't you know? Anytime you pass a southbound 1973 Chevy Nova with Idaho license plates. Yeah, yeah, you're going to scratch your ass, or you get sucker punched in a face.

Didn't you know that? I complain a lot, but... People complain about some really weak stuff. I was talking to a friend of my gut, to a big blowout with his girlfriend over having to go buy her tampons. Like, someone's gonna think that for you. I mean, like, it's a big bag of laughs for girls to go by these things.

Honestly, if you're like a clerk in a 7-Eleven, girl runs in by his nothing but a box of tampons, Do you even bother saying have a nice day? Same thing with condoms. When guys complain about wearing condoms, guys count you of blessings, you know? I'm getting laid so rarely. I don't care if I have to wrap it up and duct tape.

So, listen, it's all my time. My name's Doug Stanhope. You guys have been a lot of fun. Thanks to come here. Doug Stanhope. That's great.