The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Joey Diaz & Doug Stanhope - The Man Show Radio Show (2003)

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

Demo recording for a never-to-be incarnation of The Man Show, starring Doug Stanhope and Joey Diaz. Recorded Oct 22 2003 For a limited time, Doug Stanhope podcast fans get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, & 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://mengotomars.com/ If you’re 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE #indacloudpodSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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check out. Mars men, how old am I going to live to? I'm not sure. Let's see if this is a bargain. What's my life expectancy. I don't know if that's the life of you or the life of them. Marsman is also available on Amazon. After you purchased, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Support the show and tell him Doug Stanhope sent you. Or tell them to mind their own fucking business. This is between you and me. Click. Grab a beer and drop your pants. Single one for kids to Francis. The match on this chicken. Ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, you have stumbled up on the Man Show Radio Show, and please welcome the host from the Comedy Central version of the Man Show.

A third less more mediocre than the TV show. It's Doug Stanhope, everybody. We've got the whole group here. Joey Diaz. Yes, baby. Mambo King. What's your latest title? Mad Flavor.

Joey's always... And we've got Polly the Drunkard. The number is 1-800 man-show, 1-800-M-A-N-S-H-O-W. So, Doug, what's on your mind tonight? I don't understand why, like, it's not just gay marriage. Gay marriage and, like, the gay guy fighting to become a priest and the Lutheran... Why are they always fighting to get into bad places? It's like, you know, a black guy suing to get into the clan.

Why would you want to be married? Marriage shouldn't even be a legal institution anyway. There should be no marriage. These arguments come from a flaw. Laude place. Wait, I'm sorry, let's back up. There should be no marriage. There should be no marriage. If you want to do that on your own, it should be no different than a Chuck Echee's birthday party celebration. I want to enter into some weird, hey, we'll be together forever. We're blood brothers or whatever. Yeah, that should, why is the government involved at all? Why would you

because marriage doesn't do anything? Well, it's also, it's a religious thing. I mean, it mostly happens in churches, and so it's not necessarily. Go to the church. Go to the church or the Chucky cheese and have a guy with a big hat, stand in front of you and slap you with a ruler, whatever. Make you pick up peanuts with your ass cheek. Now you're legally a five delta capo. What? No, that shouldn't be a legal institution at all. It doesn't do anything.

Have you ever been married? Yeah, I got married once. Legally as a goof. It's a long story. Legally as a goof. Yeah, I was 20 and I lived in Vegas and I got liquored up in the secretary from where I worked for two weeks. I go, hey, you know, you can get married anytime you want in this town. Let's go do that.

Because I've already seen Wayne Newton and got a hooker. Let's do everything Vegas has to offer. But is it relationships in general you have a problem with? Or is it just the idea of having to have this kind of formal bond, this ceremony? I'm saying why would you get any legal benefits from your government? Because first of all, doesn't that exclude ugly people, people who couldn't get laid, much less married? Why should they not benefit? And you can?

but some chick wants to sign a pact with you? It doesn't make sense. You can't commit to an emotion, much less sign a legal binding document to get in love as an emotion. First of all, it's a state of insanity and nothing that you sign under the influence of that should be held binding. But you can't promise to be in love as much as you can't promise to be afraid. I'll be afraid of you forever.

and if I'm going to sign this document, I promise to be scared, and if at some point I don't feel as scared as I used to, I'll work at it, and we'll go to fear counseling. But what about, let's take the benefits out of, take the government issue out of it. What about just the emotional bond? You know, this kind of show two friends and loved ones that this is, you know, two people who want to be together forever. It's gross, but sure, go ahead and do it. That's your own business. What's more foul than a wedding? What is more disgusting to watch?

What is more a bachelor party? Yeah, that's somewhat retarded, but that's what the man show lives on is that kind of retardation. But weddings. You don't want two gay guys to get married. That's what you're saying here. What? You don't want two gay guys to get married. I know I'm saying that, first of all, marriage should not be a legal institution.

It should be a personal thing. But I'm saying on a personal level, I think marriages are gross to watch. It's an egomaniacal. I just said the 50. If I'm going to have to sit there and watch you. spout off what your innermost feelings are for one another and what commitment means to you and I have to dress up. It's like watching two people make out on a bus for six hours, only now you're going to put on nice clothes and bring gifts and toast them and tell witty anecdotes about them and cry

and act like you really care. If I'm going to be that privy to your most intimate details, I'd rather just watch your banger. 1-800 man show 1-800 M-A-N-S-H-O-W is the number call us and why did you get married why did I get married because I found so boy I have a feeling any answer I give you is not going to be sad satisfactory here I found the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and why the actual ceremony of marriage because other people did it because she wanted to and you're screwed that's why no it was absolutely before if no one ever made up marriage, you'd be fine.

But it's like Secretary's Day. As soon as someone says Tuesday's Secretary's Day, you're screwed, you've got to get her something. I don't think there's any doubt that it's absolutely for the woman almost every single time. Absolutely. I've never been to a wedding that I've ever enjoyed, including my own. My wife, and again, this time I got married,

I just said, well, we'll just say we're married because I wanted to have a big ego-maniacal party for myself. But I didn't bore anyone with how we feel and how what love means to us. We had a big Fat naked Elvis impersonator who urinated on the crowd. We did it as a mockery of the institution. But then, see, that's the problem.

Even though she was with me on a logical level, marriage doesn't make any sense, we're going to do this. Then it's her friends that start going at her and they go, you know, so you're not really married? And then she's like, yeah, I'm really married. Why don't you wear a ring? Because it's not legal. It's, we don't fall.

And then she starts buying into it. You know? Then she's like, we should get legally married. I can't. I already did that. I never get divorced. I don't remember her name. I'm screwed. I'm sorry. You're going to play the game. You're going to play the full four quarters. You can't just jump into something and then let your friends talk you in a... Anyway. Give us a call. 1-800-M-A-N-S-H-O-W. It's Doug Stanhope and the Man Show radio show.

The Man-R-W will... Be right back. I tried every diet out there, but nothing worked. Then I found Eaterway, and in one month I lost 40 pounds, without dieting. What is Eitaway? It's not a diet. It's not a weight loss program. It's not a drug.

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Lose weight, the natural, safe, and easy way with Eat Away. In rare instances, an hermaphrodite tapeworm will fertilize itself, unleashing 10,000 little tapeworms within your body. If this happens, remain calm, reaffirm your relationship with the Lord and begin praying. This is the Man Show, with your host, Duck Stanhope. This is the Man Show, 1-800-M-A-N-S-H-O-W. We've got Joey, we got Paulie. We got Larry Morgan here.

Hey, do. And Doug Stanhope from Comedy Central's The Man Show. Nice. And we have winers on the phone. Now, we're talking about marriage, and Doug has made the point that marriage in general, especially as a legal, what's the phrase there that you're looking for? That I'm looking for. Institution. As an institution is ridiculous.

So you do whatever you want to do personally. Yeah, I mean, it accomplishes nothing. What does marriage accomplish? It doesn't. That's why I hate guys who bitch about being married. There's nothing worse than that. You'll see stand-up comics. My wife's such a bitch.

I hate my wife. You know what sex when you get married. It's not like you have a third arm growing out of your back. It's not like this is something that you're not in control of. That's like standing on stage and wearing a bad shirt. Hey, can you imagine going through life with this shirt on? Take it off. Yeah.

We've got Maddie. Nice. It doesn't make any sense. Matt in Los Angeles. Angeles on line three, who I believe is waning on your side. Matt, how are you? I'm good, man. Hey, love your show. Except I think the jacking starts long before the wedding. Like, I even have trouble with the engagement ring, that whole deal. That's extortion, man. You've got to buy the big diamond well before the actual event. No, not if you find someone that's, I mean, why would you be with someone that you had to buy something exorbitant for?

Then you're getting milked right away. It doesn't make sense. It's like, my wife, if she ever found out I went to the topless bar, then you married an idiot. Why would you make this huge bond and commitment and this, have this celebration and legal, if she wouldn't let you go to a topless bar, that's the perfect person you're an idiot to start with. So, Matt, you've gone through this? Oh, yeah, man. You're engaged and married? I'm engaged and married.

And now looking back, man. Did you do the thing that they always tell you about the engagement ring? What's the criteria? Two-month salary? Two-month salary. You're supposed to spend on the dime. It's obscene. Is that what you spent?

Oh, yeah. And then some. And how much did she spend on you exactly? What do you do? That's a two-month salary always boils down it, especially in this town. Like, you'd be an unemployed actor and you just picked the two months that you didn't work. I would find that. I would pick the two months between when the man-show TV show stopped and man-show radio started.

And, honey, I didn't really make much of squat. Here. Let me just draw around your finger with a magic mark. How about just give them a Cuban-Saconian to you know, she's the one? Just give her a fake. They won't know the difference. So why did you get married? Oh, man, it was stupid and young.

I mean, you just do the dumb thing and then you look back and figure out that it's a totally raw deal, you know? Get out. Yeah, leave. Can you pull the plug now? That's what Doug is saying. I don't know, man. I feel just a little weak on that one.

Like, I don't know if I can pull the plug. You got any kids? Is she vindictive? Is she the kind that would just completely hamstring you financially? I think she would, like, demolish my stuff, you know? Do you got any kids? No, no kids yet. Get the hell out of that now.

Back in the hand and leave. There is the half of the stuff. You know, half the stuff belongs to her now. Hey, you know what? I was looking for a job when I found this one. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about? You get married again and you get some more coasters.

Listen, I was married. I was married for three years. I loved my wife. I thought everything was hunky-dory. And one day she just changed. Like one day she's like, you can't smoke pot no more. You can't do this. And then I came home.

There was no chicken cutlets. I'm gone. I don't care. She came to the next day, clean my house. She left me with a VCR, a television, a bad copy of Rocky. She didn't even leave me silverware. When I ordered Chinese food, I had to talk to bring me plastic, goddamn dishes. But number one, I'm here.

I'm here 10 years later. Do you know that? And I'm happy I got divorced. I really, I couldn't be married. I couldn't have somebody. I hate questions. But first of all, marriage, that relationship, most people I know that get married are in the exact same relationship. You know that same relationship

Dale and I have been in for the last three years? You're tired of hearing me talk about? Well, on Sunday, we're going to give it an arbitrary title, and then it'll be the exact same. It's not like people are not living together or are sleeping together until they get married. Those days are over, so it's just a celebration. All right, let's go to line two.

We got David. Thanks, Matt. David in Hollywood on line two, who I think has an alternate opinion. David, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. All right. Hey, I don't agree with Doug.

I think he's taking the wimp route, I think. The wimp route? Yeah, why have the milk when you can get the cow for free type argument? I'm not saying don't get into a committed relationship. When you first fall in love, that whole euphoria and that mental illness makes you do and say dumb things. It is, I mean, it's a cliche that being in love is like being drunk, but it is. You say and do things that you think you mean at the time that you're just going to feel embarrassed about when you finally sober up. Well, then don't make the decision in a moment of inebriation.

Wait till you are sober. Wait to you, you know, wake up. And if you still like the person you're hanging with, then marriage is great. You're willing to stand up and say. What do you know about an inebriation? What is marriage? I mean, what do you mean marriage is great? Why can't you just have that commitment with someone and call it whatever you want to call it?

but don't sign any kind of legal binding document. What do you need, tax breaks? Tax breaks are great. Then incorporate. Tax breaks are great. Is that what marriage is about? Tax breaks? What do you need to get her in the country?

Is she illegal? Are you 90 years old and she wants your money when you die? What's the benefit? I just think that if you're just making a cause against marriage as an institution, you're just picking a fight, then hiding behind the fact that you can't stand up and I'm not fighting against commitment. I mean, that's something that you're going to... Let's make the designation here.

You are a fan of... I mean, you're a fan. Your committed relationship and monogamous relationship makes sense to you. That's something that you would pursue, and that's something you're looking for. Is that what you're saying, Doug? Not personally, but I can see where someone would. No. I don't even like living with myself.

If I could just see myself on weekends, I'd be fine. 1-800-M-A-N-S-H-O-W. Thank you, David. We have Chris calling from North Carolina. and hello Chris on line one. Hello. Hi, Chris. You're on the air with the Manchow radio show, Doug Stanhope's here.

Hi, how's going? Yeah, I agree. There's really no reason to get married whatsoever. Thank you. I mean, unless you wanted the automatic ice maker from William Sonoma or the 12 wine glasses you'll never use. The presents, now the presents. That's to see, it's all geared to, like most people,

a general Joe Schmo that's got a hump box at his 40 hours a week at UPS until he's 60 and dies. that guy, he has two big things in life. His graduation and his wedding. That's what people look forward to. That's the day everyone looks at you and takes a picture and slaps your ass and tells you how great you are. Other than that, it's your birthday and death. Those are the only things. So people long to get married because that's designated as their lifetime secretary day.

You get this day once. It's our special day together. And the rest of our lives will just be. cutting hair and bumping boxes at UPS and puking babies and no one cares about us and we're just parts of the mill. All right, let's get a female perspective here. We got Sharon on line four. Where are you calling from, Sharon?

Calling from Hollywood. Sharon is on the line from Hollywood on the Manchow radio show. Go ahead, Sharon. Can I just say that you guys sound like the type of guys who are making fun in marriage? Because who in their right one would ever marry you guys? You guys are just pigs. She's sick. I don't blame him.

Actually, I should go ahead and tell you, I've been married for a long time. And you're probably not anymore, are you? No, absolutely. How does Larry ever sound like a pig? Larry was put here purposely because he is not a pig, and he's a gentleman, and you should have picked up on that. Now, as far as Joey Diaz and I, and the rest of the MOOCs hanging around in the studio, yeah, you have a point. Who would want to marry us? I don't understand why you guys are beating up on a concept of marriage so bad.

You know who'd want to marry us? Hors would. Poor rule! And we like, it's a scam. It's a scam. It's a scam. It's a scam. What's wrong with stuff?

Like, why isn't it okay to show a woman you love with a diamond ring? Like, what is wrong with that? Why is it mandatory? Why is it socially... Nobody's saying I don't want to give you a diamond ring. I'll give you a diamond ring. I'm just not going to walk down an old aisle with you on a Saturday during football season. It's not going to happen.

Michigan's playing LSU and I've got to go meet your parents. You're out of your mind. Marrying. She shouldn't be walking down that aisle with you. That's a big. big red flag. No, no, that is a red flag. We're having two different arguments here. First of all, I don't believe marriage should be an institution that's recognized by the government as much as they shouldn't be legal bar mitzvahs or anything else that is a ceremonial personal event. Now, as far as

commitment goes, sure, if you want stuff, find a guy who wants to buy your stuff and there, see already, you're hitting it off. But you don't want to be legally pinned down to a woman. That's what you're saying. Yes. And that's because you're going to leave her and she's going to take your money. Like, what's your fear? It just doesn't mean. There should be no third party involved in your personal relationship.

You're wasting my time. And you should not get tax breaks just because you want to double up together. Much less have squeezing out the kids' tax breaks. That's a whole other episode. What if you do have kids? I mean, shouldn't a woman be held to you in some legal

capacity to make sure that her kids are providing for and that you're not some guys just going to take off? No, you should be legally responsible for the children, sure. Well, how would you do that, though? I don't have to marry you to be held liable to pay for your retarded young un. If I knock you up just because I met you at Dublin's and I was doing a, what was it, a packet of a yay off of a monkey? I almost married that broad. Stop it.

Now that broad, I would have married. A commitment right there. That's a commitment. I knock you up in Dublin's freezer. I don't care if I've known you for five minutes. I am still financially

liable for your children. On top of a hydrogen cake, a boot. This is not a legal show. Shut up. That should be it too, isn't it? All right, Sharon, thank you for calling.

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Welcome back to the Man Show. 1-800 Man Show. 1-800 M-A-N-S-H-O-W. Please welcome the peanut gallery here. We've got, of course, Fat Baby Joey D. is and we've got Paulie and we've got Doug Stanhope from the man show

everybody. Yeah, baby. We got mother. Yeah, you said you want to talk to your mom? Let's call mom. She was supposed to review porn but I forgot to tell her because I drank. I think she's there. Doug's mom? Mom? Hello? How's the cats, mother? They're doing so much better.

Joey, mother's Did I tell you that? Mother's sending the cats to a alternative doctor because the other doctor said that the one needs like life support or kidney transplants or something and I said no mother I'm not paying for that she goes well before I put him down I'm going to take it to an alternative doctor and he said that the cat is only sick because he feels a lot of guilt for being trapped in that body gets that guilt from mother and she's trying to make the cat not feel too guilty and I paid

$1,500 for that oh my god what's trapped in there how many how many cats are you down to now? Three? I figured I'd try something so I didn't have to hold Shiva again maybe before Christmas. See this is how Mother, you're going to understand this about Mother. She came out five years ago with seven cats and they just keep dying right in front of her because she won't let them outside and they just sit in her secondhand smoke. These cats are all crazy with nicotine like old curtains and they die right in front of her and the funny part is Joey has seen this. Joey, Joey's seen this. She'll take the cat and she'll have a put to slum. She'll and then she'll bring it back and set it in the middle of the living room.

Have a wait. So all the other cats can have closure and they, she has this whole ceremony and then she'll chuck it in the dumpster. But no, but no one thing, but no one thing. All her seven cats are missing something. One guy's missing the eye, the other one missing the leg, a tail. So they sit around and they're like, hey, if he's not going to hang out no more, can I have that? You know what?

You know what? You dip? Not one of them has lunged. has lung cancer. Yeah, but they just meow, and they sound like me. Meow! Meow! Ma, I don't, did, have you watched any porn lately?

I was supposed to send you more porn or review, but I figure you have plenty left over. Have you watched anything you wanted to plug on the air, give a thumbs up or a thumbs down or a five finger, however your porn reviews were? Any of you? You haven't seen Angelica? Angelica. I'm watching my monster and me. Is that with a K or a QU?

It doesn't matter. Angelica. No, I don't know if I'm familiar with her work. Can you describe it for us? What's the strong points, Mom? She's some drugged-out aging whore. Okay. Who's talking to either the director or the cameraman, I don't know,

and she likes her big monster, and she can stick it in both. Orphuses. Both? There's three, Ma. It's a new age. You have three holes now. She was more concerned with the bottom two. So overall, what did you do?

What was the name of the movie again? I don't know. It's something that had Chloe in it. That girl that you did co-hosted that porn awards. Yeah. Are you a fan of Chloe? No, they're all the same. She goes into like epileptic seizures or something.

But they're not all the same. They all have different talents. Well, see, the problem these days with porn is when I visited Doug in Vegas about 15 years ago, he rented a porn outtake film. Porn outtake. Looper. Yeah, blooper real. I like it.

And it shows. Sometimes you like to laugh while you chuck. Well, when you watch two brides making out and they're groaning and moaning and then they fall off the couch and the director says cut and then he tells them how to get back up again and, okay, you, You touch her breath for 15 seconds and then lie back down on the couch. And they go, oh, okay. And they start in again. You just can't believe anything you see after that. Ma, let me ask you this.

Did you like porn better today, 2003? Did you like it more in the 70s when it was the real-to-reel? Remember the 8-millimeter? Remember that stuff? Yeah, five-millimeter out. What I used to do when the kids were little, there was a drive-in movie theater that showed X-rayed to film. And another couple, Jimmy and Carol,

and. Oh, ma, you aren't swingers or something, Ma. You can't unload this on me now? At the drive-in? Yeah, we'd go to the driveway. We'd bring sandwiches and pray to chips. Suffolk. That's where it was. Soutic. And we'd sit and we'd make fun of it and laugh.

He can't do that in an X-rated theater. And we would have the most fantastic time making comments on how stupid it was. Oh, yeah. You'd laugh and laugh all for you. No, you'd laugh and laugh, and the two guys would act like they were laughing and then go, I'd go to the men's room again. and then they'd go spank they were waiting for you two to make a move on each other

one of those guys was your father I know that's what I'm saying and he'd go shuffle off and spank because he's not the leader the guy was going to initiate the swinger party that's why he's dead today thanks for killing dad maw

he gave him cancer by blue balling him from all the years of vintage porn and the cats too Maybe we should have said dad to that same doctor that She felt a lot of guilt too For not getting Jimmy and Carolyn

To come out of the backseat With the driving Your father never listened to a thing I told him Nothing We got to give mom's take on marriage Because we have been talking about that tonight And obviously she's got one I do not think that marriage should be a legal institution

I don't think it should be recognized by the government whatsoever and I think it's a silly proposition to try to enter into anyway. I agree. How ma's been married? How many times you've been married? Three? Three, that's enough.

Are you sure? Two dead, one to go. Ma, you're an animal. You just kill them. And you don't want to, would you ever get married again? If we had some kind of like man show thing where you can be my dad, would you, would you? Only if it involved lots of money and no sex. Wow.

And you got to live with her smoking. She smokes as much as I do. Yeah. And I have control of the remote. Yeah. And she's really, she talks a lot endlessly until you want to die. Mom, why did you get married in the first place? Because that's what you did in the 60s.

No, you got married in the 80s and then in the 90s. The 60s was free love, ma. No, I get married in the 60s, the 70s, and the 80s. So why did you get married a third time? Because he wanted to move me, and I figured if he was going to move me, He could support me and I'd have some kind of legal rights with that stupid marriage thing. There we go. Wait, move you.

There it is. Across town? You lived in Crystal River, Florida. He wanted to move to North Carolina. Oh, well, you didn't move. No. So you lied to him. You tricked him, that poor bastard.

You said, okay, if I'm going to move to North Carolina, you're going to marry me because I want to feel safe. The poor bastard could never get a job in North Carolina. That's why we never won. Which husband did you make the most bank off of in the... In the split? None of them. Which one did you make the most off of? I know you got something.

I know dad had to give up something. Damn little. He didn't have much. None of them had much. I would get them when they're broke. I know. I spent it on somebody else. But you married them for the security.

Yes. You wonder why I'm half retarded. You should marry somebody now because there's no more lap dances. They won't be spending that money foolishly. But there must have been, early on, the first one must have been something about commitment and committed relationship and love. That's when Mother was drinking and hosing some black cook from the restaurant she worked in. That was after a few years of marriage, though.

Oh, yeah. She gave it a shot. I didn't know you like the dark meat. You animal, you. I thought only on Thanksgiving you like that dark meat. You're a little dirty freak. Yeah, I thought I was bad until I met you, Mother. Now I know what I was catching dying off.

We're going to put together me. I want to marry Doug's mom show. A contest. Yeah, no, we're going to do that. I want a new dad. Me. I want a dad with money. Who's going to marry my mom?

Let's do it. Let's get your mom's attributes right now. Why should somebody want to marry Doug's mom? Ma, you're 58 as of yesterday? Yep. Happy birthday, Jimmy. Happy birthday, Ma. Happy birthday, Mom.

All right. Nice. And she's 5'4-6 and shrinking. Am I right? Yes. Okay. About a hundred and... Mandatory.

I'm going to say about 130 pounds plus 15 pounds of the rock hard fake breasts that you have to have taken out. No, it's 129 including them. Ma, you take them out? My little cinder blocks. You didn't take them out, yeah, ma'am? My little cinder blocks. Those things are tougher than hell. Mother's waiting for this show to go national.

As soon as that happens. She's going to have them taken out, put new ones in. You hug my, it's like hugging Arnold. I'm saying Whatever the voices I'm not good at a person It's like hugging an old guy with a bonoomia We made this really attractive for a prospective mate I think so far

My mom's cute There's sacrifices We come as a package All right ma'am but you would you go on a couple of dates with guys who wanted to be my dad Depends on how badly they wanted to be your dad I'll screen it's not like I'm going to send you out with some You know, like, I'm going to believe you after you tried to fix me up with that old dink on your show. Which one?

That guy was a nice guy. The Q card guy from the TV show was a very nice man. He was a very nice man. He was an old dink and I had no interest and he kept shoving him in my face. You don't have to have interest. You just have to get married. Ugh. Come on.

Why? You don't believe in it? Why should I? We'll talk about it later. After you've had your cough medicine. Bride me. Mother's trying to cure emphysema with dollar store robitussin. It's not working out so well.

Doug's mom, thanks. He's always more agreeable after a treatment. Mom, thanks for talking. Thanks. We'll talk to you here, Mom. I love you, guys. Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.

We'll get it, we'll later, Mom. It's 1-800-M-A-M-S-H. I'm going to get it to do that. I swear, we'll get it to. Absolutely. We'll have the be Doug's dad contest. If you're a prospective mate for Doug's mom, give us a call as well. 1-800-Manshow is the number.

Give out the email address, too. It's Man Show at Man Show.com. It's the man-show at Doug Stanhope on the radio. We'll be right back. This is The Man Show with Doug Stanhope. A lot of my friends saw their life savings disappear in the market. But not me. I'm with Charles Rivington. With the economy the way that it is, our neighbors lost their house.

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This is The Man Show. Roger, we are a Doug Stanhope. With all the things to worry about in the world, the subway breakfast sandwich shouldn't really irritate me this much. You know, there's war and the Subway Breakfast sandwich. It's a phenomenal sandwich. It comes on a regular bun. Like they're a, well, everyone else at McDonald's.

It's not on a flaky croissant or a biscuit or a McMuffin. It's a regular sandwich. It's regular bun, like they have all their other sandwiches on and you can put vegetables on it so it gives it the illusion that it's good for you. And I enjoy that, right? I need all the help I can get. Sure. but they don't give it to me after 11

and there's one right on Highland and Santa Monica and I go there every day and there's only like three out of every 25 subways it sells a breakfast sandwich so I go there specifically but sometimes I'll sleep till one or six depending on how much Xanax is floating around in my system and I still try to get the sandwich and I go hey give me an egg and cheese

and they go I'm sorry we put that away and I didn't put it away it's in the second green cabinet this is right there this place is as big as a photo mat there is no a way here there's no brinks truck that pulls up at 1102

and pulls out the egg sandwiches under armed guard and I don't want to give the kid a problem because he's got enough problems he's a minimum wage kid he's got a paper hat on and I'm a sandwich artist polo shirt and people crap on him all day long I don't want to give you a problem but

the entire breakfast menu that subway consists of nothing but the egg. It's all the same sandwiches they sell all goddamn day. Plus the egg, it's not even a real egg. It's a prepackaged egg-like patty product that sits in the second green cabinet, then you put it in a microwave, you hit number two, and then you put it on the regular sandwich that you serve all the way well into the goddamn lunch hour.

You give that to me, and I say, just think. There's no logic. It's like if you went to Sears and they say, oh, we only sell those socks between two and seven. They're sitting right there, but we won't give them to you. It's after. No, give me the egg. Do you know why, Doug?

Why? Because. Because that's just the way it is. Everywhere is till 1030. It's tradition. It's just like marriage. It's tradition. It's stupid.

No, no, no, no. McDonald's Burger. Everywhere is till 1030. These guys give it to 11. you still can't make it. That's my point in. What the point is? I get my sad ass up.

It's not like I went to a real restaurant and they have to fire up the griddle for the flap jacks and do a lot of things. It's just a goddamn thing. Listen, what do you want to do? I want to call them up. I want an answer. What's the location again? What's the person responsible and have them give me one logical answer? All right.

Can I give you a logical answer? It's a little things like that. Let me give you a logical answer. Yes. As you know, those guys that worked at Subway. a 95 baby capons. Hang on, as you talk, I want you to call that goddamn right way.

It's the one on Highland. So, when you come in after one and 20 guys like me come in and one guy wants roast beef, one guy wants this, one guy wants a tuna salad, one guy, can you imagine putting eggs on these poor little people to the head would grow up? Because they're moron. They're morons.

You ask for tomatoes, they can throw a tomato on and you ask for bacon. That's not part of the sandwich artist. You got to go for additional training. We got, I think we got Subway in the line. Oh, hi. Oh, Subway? Hi.

Hold on please, right? Oh. That's what I'm saying to you. They're from third world nations. You want them to make 95 things at once. They just know their name. 96, that's the point. It's not 95.

They're only paying them $6 an hour. There is no breakfast menu other than the egg that's beside the same bacon that you can get and you obviously eat by the pound. Hello? Hi. Hi, my name is Doug Stanhope from the Man Show. Hello? See, that's the customer service you get at Subway.

I'm from the man. Man show click. Hit him again. Here, I'm going to call him up and tell him I'm John Edwards from crossing over. Hello. Hi, is this the subway at Highland and Santa Monica? Yep. Yeah, why can't I get an egg and cheese after 11 o'clock in the morning?

An egg and cheese sandwich? You know those ones you sell? Yeah, I know. Why can't I get that at 1115 or 3 o'clock? Well, you can talk to the manager if you want Yeah, I'd like to talk to the manager Let's go all the way to the... I want the Grand Frommage at the top of the subway building

In downtown Milwaukee or wherever the... Give me the manager. He works tomorrow, sir. He works tomorrow, give me his home number. I swear to come down... I'll come down swinging machetes. It'll be like the Hutu and Tootsie massacre. I swear, I'm going to necklace you.

No, I'm just... That's not a serious threat. It's part of my comedy that fails miserably. But, do you know why? do you think they won't give it to me after 11? Sir, I'm not a manager. I can tell you. But why do you think, personally? Well, I have no idea. I'm just going here.

Do you think there's some kind of weird third world last call on eggs? I cannot make a decision about it. Give me that, you know what? Look down at the napkin. There's an 800. Give me that customer service number. Is it a 800 number right on your napkin? Okay, hold on.

I've called it off the napkin. I can never find the person responsible. I want to make that a regular, just doing this all. the time. We're going to find the one person responsible, whether it's spam or an automated voice. Yes, I'm here. I'm listening. Don't, you step over me. I'll step over you. Okay. I go to you the phone number, okay? Yeah, go ahead. One 800. 88, 88, 48. Yeah. All right. That's a customer service, okay? Listen, if I came in there right now, since the manager's not there,

since he's not there, since he's not there, would you give me an egg and cheese on the sly if I don't tell anyone? Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding you. If I come down there right now, will you give me an egg and cheese sandwich even though it's well into the lunch hour? Okay, I will. I do it for you. Will you? I won't tell anyone. What's your name?

Do I have to knock on a back door like a secret speakeasy and you'll slip it through a sliding door? I'll make it for you, okay? All right, thanks, man. I'll see you soon. That guy will be so fired tomorrow. They will come in. We will call the subway consumer line in moments when we come back. I'm going to find the guy that said that I can't have an egg.

Mr. Subway up next on The Man Show. 1-800-Man Show. The Man Show. The Man Show. This is The Man Show with your host, Doug Stanhope. Your consumer advocate, Doug Stanhope. Bring me the head of the Subway. From The Man Show on Comedy Central is here.

We have been trying to figure out why Subway Sandwich will not sell. It's not just Subway. It's just that Subway has the breakfast sandwich that I enjoy because it is the same sandwich as they serve all day long, plus the egg that makes me happy. You don't like the McGrittle thing? You don't like the... No. That's not the point, though. It's always on something heavy a biscuit or a pancake.

That's a thing. Jack in a box all day. I know. You can go, but they put mayo on... They'll serve you any of the day. They give you egg and ham and they put mayo on it. What's up with the mayo on a breakfast sandwich? It's not the part of Pauli.

We have a number of issues about breakfast sandwich is obviously, but we're going right to the top. I'm talking about times. I'm talking. You want a breakfast sandwich? Why is there a last call on edge? It's just the lack of logic that makes you crazy. It's not even the, it's the fact that people just go, yeah, well, that's the way to McDonald's does it that way. Well, it's not just because someone else does it that way. Doesn't make it, I went to the DMV, and I had to get a California license. and they said, bring your current license and a copy of your birth certificate. So I brought that down and I waited for an hour and 45 minutes. And I get up there and they said, this is a copy of your birth certificate.

We need the original. And I said, why? And they said, because we need to know that you are who you say you are. And I said, okay, how do I get the original? And they said, well, call the courthouse wherever you were born and they'll mail it to you. It'll probably cost you $12 or so. I said, with no ID? Yeah.

I said, so why do I need it? And they said, because we need to know that you are who you say you are, sir. And I said, but if I don't have to prove that I am who I say I am to the people who have the paper that you says proves it, I am, how does that prove who I am? And they say, because we need to know it's you. Now, please move on. It doesn't mean it doesn't. It's the lack of logic that makes you realize what made the Unabomber finally. No, I'm going to kill a lot of people.

but I'm going to be lazy and just mail it because I don't want to get up. Okay, Doug, we've got Subway Headquarters on the line right now. Thank you for calling Subway World Headquarters. You have reached us after our normal business hours of 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday through Friday. If you know your party's extension number, you may dial it now. For information about opening your own franchise, dial 88, your call is important to us, and we value your input.

No, if you value by your point, you may be asked to provide information that personally identified you. Your call is still very important to us. Please continue to jump through burning hoops like a monkey. Is that us? Yeah. Hi, my name is Doug Stanhope from The Man Show on Comedy Central and the Man Show Radio Network. All I wanted was a goddamn egg and cheese sandwich. It happened to be two in the afternoon.

There was no one in there except for the 18-year-old kid with a nappy head picking his nose, wearing a shower cap, sitting there doing nothing, but he couldn't give me the egg. He was three inches from your pre-packaged egg-like product patty, but he couldn't give it to me because there's someone there at the top of the subway building who's making rules,

and things are going to go very poorly for subway. The Al-Qaeda terrorist network, there's chatter from the detainees at Guantan, Honimo Bay, that unless you stop being infidels and sell the baby of the... In time of your visit. When finished, press one. Oh, I'm not finished yet. I just want a goddamn egg sandwich.

Is that so hard for you to do? It doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry. I'm tired of being part of humanity. Joey, you talk to him. I'm getting... I got no time for these people. Get off the phone.

They're not there. They're not there. What are you going to talk to a machine for? There's no one there. Do you think someone scrambles in at 8 a.m.? Did we get any messages? Like some lonely guy looking for chicks that dig subway dudes, some kind of subway roadies. Did she call?

No, another complaint about an egg sandwich. All right. I think we can hang up now. Thank you, everybody. I'm going until I find that guy. All right. Ladies of John, Doug Stanhope is in your corner. Thank you very much.

1-800-Mancho is the number. The Man Show will be right back. Man Show with Doug Stanhope. It's the Man Show radio show, and we have Doug Stanhope, as always. And our special guest, this hour, The Magical Negro, has stopped by. Hello, magical Negro. Hello. Those of you who might not be familiar with the magical Negro in his work, where have you been hiding?

Well, I've been off in the magical Negro land. Tell us what the magical Negro does. Helps out white folks who need help with their problems. Like Bagger Vance. Like Bagger Vance's or Michael Clark Duncan's from the Green Mises. Morgan Freeman's from Bruce Armitters. He was all magical negroes. Just like Kazams.

Chakiolynees. Big old giant magical negroes in a genie outfit. So we have the magical negro here for a purpose. Yeah, I thought if callers out there have a dilemma, whites only, remember, the magical negro is only there to help out rich white men. That's right. Yeah. 1-800 man show is the number.

If you have a moral dilemma or something you're going through in life where a magical negro could answer your questions, you have some time? Oh, I have plenty of time for White folks What are you doing here off time? Oh, I had my second job What's that? I'm a garbage man

Doug We have Todd on the line If you want to Todd, you're on with the magical Negro Hey, what's up guys? Hello, Todd's All right, so here's the thing I'm getting married in about a month

and a half Mm-hmm And lately I've been having this guilt trip with the fact that I've kind of cheated on my fiance a couple times. Ooh, congratulations. And she doesn't know, and I just don't know that I can, like, go through with it. I love her to death and all, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I wouldn't, I don't think I'd cheat again.

But if I told her, I don't think she'd quite stay with me, and I don't know if I should tell her or just. So you've already cheated on your fiancé twice, which means you definitely will again. So don't act. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know you will again. But it was a while ago, and things were different than. I was in a position similar where I had cheated on a girl.

Like, once you've cheated on them too many times, you're like, well, I've already cheated on her three times. Why not again? And then why not again? If she found out about six times, why would 20 times mortify her anymore? Is that basically what you're saying? Well, no, it's not like that. Yes, it's going to be. It starts with two.

Wouldn't do it again. You did it twice. What do you think, Magical Negro? Oh, he's definitely going to do it again. So what does he do? Does he stay with it? Well, Todd's. You say you love this woman, right?

Absolutely. Okay, well, that doesn't matter anymore. Now, how good was that stuff that that other woman gave you? Oh, it was pretty good. Oh, is it? Mm-hmm. Tell me about it. That was just a one night kind of hookup.

I met her at a club when I was back in Phoenix partying. Oh, yeah. And then we kind of went back to my hotel room and, you know. In the bed, huh? Yeah. That's nice. It was nice. So look at that, Todd.

You just have fun. You always have to remember that you have a brain and you should make decisions with that. But then there's also the other little head that you had to thank us. that's the brain in your penis and you know your penis has a brain of its own but it also has a heart you got to follow your penis's heart

Todd yeah but my penis's heart doesn't know whether to stay with my fiance or to find another poop then your penis heart needs a defibrillation because you know your heart can change

at any moment at any time just follow your penis's heart If your penis wants to go with that other woman, then follow it. If your penis wants to be with your wife, which won't happen five years from now, then go with that. All right then. Can I sing you a little song? Your penis has a heart so you should follow it. And what comes out, don't follow it.

Your penis has a heart and feelings just like you. So follow what your penis want to do. follow your penis is hot very nice your penis also has a big old vein and a hole at the top where the stuff comes Todd thank you

Tom come out take it take it take it Thank you magical Negro Yes It's the man show radio show Show. To me, baby.

This is The Man Show. Roger, we are a go. Roger, Q Doug Stanhope. With your host, Doug Stanhope. We are back, The Man Show Radio Show. We're going to wrap things up, and we're about done. But final thoughts on the evening, Doug, before we get out of here. I have no final thoughts.

I just thought maybe we could go out and get liquored up and get to know each other more. But you have, what, 16 kids? How many kids do you have like? I got one. You're close. Does your wife let you go to Topless bars? Let me go. I mean, does she get actually weirded out about all that?

Yeah, yeah, completely. And porn and all that? Yeah, it really does, yeah. But you enjoy all that stuff? I don't partake in any of that, no. I do not partake in. I don't, but that's one of the reasons I'm here is I'm willing to learn. I will not be one of those guys who you can tell personal things to in confidence,

and I'll bring up on the air, but nod or something. All right, go ahead. I only want to do this show until I get you successfully divorced and have your children stop talking to you. Then I will have at, it's not about entertaining the people. This is about ruining your life. That's what I've dedicated myself to.

The show has a goal, everybody. Thank you very much. It's The Man Show Radio Show. We'll see you tomorrow night.