The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Just Smoking and Drinking in the Alma Motel Carpark

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

Pull up a chair and join us in the Alma Motel parking lot, Michigan. Can’t wait for the next episode, ‘From Doing Time to Doing Time’? Video version out now on Youtube for free - https://youtu.be/3eobse3GUe0  If you’re 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order + free shipping@IndaCloud with code STANHOPE at https://inda.shop/STANHOPE Support the show & get 20% off your first Lucy order with code STANHOPE at https://www.lucy.co/STANHOPE Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/STANHOPE & use code STANHOPE to get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

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So we're at the Alma Motel, Motor Lodge, Motor Inn. In Lively, in Alma, Michigan, right? It's Alma, Michigan, which is right next to St. Louis, two very small towns, St. Louis, Michigan, not St. Louis. Missouri. Yeah, when I saw this place, this is the closest place to the prison, except for that Pine Ridge. When I was driving in circles, yeah, that's right by the prison. We just drove all the fucking way around somewhere. somehow. But yeah, there's nothing here. This is like maybe a mile of, it's got a Walmart

where between a Wendy's and a McDonald's. It's just, it's everything they have except a breakfast place. There's not a bar on the street. Right across the way is the only bar at the Cancun Mexican restaurant, which had delicious margaritas. If you're ever springing someone from prison in Alma, Michigan, the Stanhope and Andy podcast can vouch for a Cancun. Mexican restaurant. They have breakfast all day, but they don't open until 11. So they have breakfast for the rest of the day,

except for during breakfast hours. So, yeah, we're the end of the tour. Kind of, yeah, this is how we celebrate the end of tours. The leg of the tour. The leg of the tour. We're not done yet, but yeah, in Alma, Michigan. Yeah, three weeks. Three weeks from Eugene, Oregon to,

to the middle of Michigan. Yeah, three time zones. We're in the upper... 15 shows. Upper mitten. I don't know. It started in Eugene. I don't know if we...

Did we pull all the footage of us? After Andy's dog, we put that dog down and then went a little crazy in town and got thrown out of a bar at the train station. We can use that footage. Yeah. Now that, yeah, we had to pull that footage initially because the lady said I was doxing her by...

talking about what a piece of shit she was for throwing us out of a fucking bar. I guess from what we can put together, Andy, the Olympics were on. I was in a bad place after the dog went, and I thought, you know, I was watching Greco style wrestling, and I thought, how do they know who wins if they don't fuck at the end? And she thought that was anti-gay. It was pro sports. Yeah, yeah, it was definitive hitting.

It was the wrong thing to say in Eugene, Oregon at the train station bar. I should have used definitive, unless he gets definitively pinned, if you know what I mean. Wink, wags. I think that was the basis of it. And she, yeah, and then because we talked about her, that's where I had to look up doxing. They probably dox people before. I just don't know what it means. Yeah.

Well, we're not going to mention the name of the bar because it's a great bar, and we would plug you. But we did bring wigs so I could go. back uh yeah we went back in disguises that were were not necessary but completely unnecessary and the only people there were fans because we told them hey we have an 11 a.m. train up to a Tacoma so we're going to be at that bar oh yeah and they were yeah the locals who were saying what a piece of shit bartender she was and and i might have met my future lawyer hopefully i won't need Yeah, he kept his card He had the alcohol shakes

That you want in a good lawyer You know You just don't want to see it right before He's representing you in court Right, we were Yeah He wasn't, that wasn't court day That was a Friday

Yeah, yeah So he should have been in court Well, he had a lot of the regulars Where his regular clients Yeah He's a train station Sal Better call Saul

Sorry, Sal, Sal, whatever So out of Eugene by train Planes, trains and automobiles on this tour Train was fairly I can't remember anything going wrong on the train It went right No we get up we we bid on a sleeper car

You can do like last minute bids So we went from coach on a fully sold out train So coach would have sucked Yeah oh yeah So we got one of those roomettes Probably 250 bucks extra and that gives you a two meals we got lunch and dinner oh yeah and then you get uh was that the one with the shared table yeah yeah where we we had to sit with others at dinner and make

conversation because we were very lucky we thought the first time because we got sat with people who didn't speak english yeah so you didn't have to do the chit-chat but we tried anyway well she was from ukraine so and he was from russia yeah so we said oh we fought we We fought in the Ukrainian for the, he seemed to be upset. And then I'm trying to pull up pictures and they didn't care. Yeah, they didn't care at all. They didn't want to meet us. They didn't care for us.

He didn't care for. She did thank us for our service. Which I appreciate hearing that more and more now that I'm a combat vet. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem. In fact, somebody, a lady at the recent show said she was from Ukraine and watched our videos and that it gave her hope.

But, yeah, so we made a difference over there. Right. And we made a difference right there. In Midland, Midland. That was our most recent gig. I never did get, Midland, right? Midland. Midland.

And it was just out and away from everything, but it was attached to a road house-esque bowling alley. like just the fucking furthest away from town and it was in a convention a little mini convention center banquet hall is a giant wedding going on down the hall sharing our green room yeah the the uh I sat my shit out

in the green room and then here comes all the wedding party worry and I'm going to steal their shit I was like fuck you guys all they left behind was their garbage well they were in that other room they had a shit behind the door that we couldn't get to or I would have stolen it just because they made me feel like I was going to steal their. I did go into the wedding and I took some of their favorite candies. They had them out, like baggies of their each favorite candy for the guest.

So I was technically a guest. Did you ever crash the wedding? I went into the reception. They were doing celebrate good times, which I always cut out. So that was going on. It just seemed like, yeah. But we played both halves of the smaller room. We played the Admiral Room.

Ambassador Room one and two had it filled up with people. I don't know that it was a Doug Stanhope crowd so much as something to do in that town. It felt like we had the same crowd that the state fair would have. Yeah, like the guy, Matt Ballsworth, I called him, Mike Ball, sorry, Mike Ball. I do like Bolesworth better. Ballsworth, yeah. Especially when he wasn't using the blinkers driving and Bingo was following him. I kept going, Balsworth.

Yeah, Bingo drove. We let Bingo drive. It was fine. Yeah. She's under the insurance. I did the right thing and put both of them on the insurance. They both drove a couple times. You know who doesn't need a road manager?

Mark Sanchez. You can use one. You got Moss. You got, yeah, you got Sanchez. Let a grease drive. Here's what I learned from it is, if you're doing drugs and you're just doing sprints behind a bar, keep your fucking, you know, yourself out of other people's business. Just enjoy the party.

You're going to be on TV the next day. You just got to get through one evening. And in Indianapolis, which sounds easy. What I did in Indianapolis, when I went a little haywire, I bought myself a hat. Some merch. I bought merch. Loaded up on Pacers' merch because it was a chilly day and you needed a tuk.

Instead of doing sprints, I went for a brisk walk, which you'll learn to do Mr. Sanchez when you're behind bars for a few years. Yeah, in a cage. We'll talk to Bobby tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. Ask him what Mark Sanchez can expect. Here's our special. By the time this goes out even, everyone will have forgotten about Mark Sanchez getting stabbed.

No, it's one of those fall-form. from gray stories that keeps adding details. I think people are ready to forget Charlie Kirk's neck shot and move on. And now they got a grease driver with his face half lopped up like a pumpkin. Yeah, a heaving chest wound on Mark Sanchez is just the tonic we need to put that Kirk thing behind us. Yeah, I just, in fact, you'd, I said I was having trouble finding the actual, the footage of it after a day or two. I just saw it today opened up that file you sent

it's like it just showed it over and over I didn't have to... Oh, the Kirk one. Yeah, I saw it before I could get to my phone and stop it I'd seen the neck shot nine or ten times. Son of a bitch, every one is like oh, like his head deflated.

Anyway, tomorrow's tragedy. I'm like grumpy old men where he died in his sleep, lucky him. And, like, Charlie Kirk died. He was dead before fucking hit the ground. It does make you think twice about doing outdoor gigs, doesn't it? It's just a lot. It makes you think twice about saying, hey, turn off your cell phones before the show.

If somebody's aiming a rifle at my neck and hits me just, you know, that would be, I would be like fucking surprised. Of course. That was definitely a look of surprise. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we didn't go. Charlie Kirk crazy with material. No, I said that somebody wanted to get a Charlie Kirk tattoo, and I said entry or exit.

That's the only thing I said. And I stumbled into one where I had made some reference to Charlie Kirk earlier, but later on I was doing, I think, a high note, and I had some opinion, and I said, and if you don't agree with me, I'll debate you. That was his booth. He'll debate anyone. Yeah. You can't debate a rifle aimed at your head or your neck.

You know, you can't debate James Inman. Oh, I saw it's it. We just missed his birthday. Him and Brenda had a birthday, so shout out James, even though you were very shitty to me over the phone. I forgive you again. Andy tries to play a good cop. Yeah. To my bad cop now is just no contact. Well, we thought it was weird. We were getting to Kansas City. I had an inside source that had been working with. with inman so i was asking if you know but inman feigned ignorance that we were coming to town till the last minute and he calls and uh he wants he he tries to talk me into you know like

doug's not listening because you know is his jug listening and then that's and i say no dog are you listening and doug will say no i'm not listening and then james tells me this idea that he'll bring me up with all these accolades like i'm great and then go greatest comic and then this, Doug. It wasn't a very good idea, and I doubt he put any work into it. But I go, and I let him finish, because I'm polite to James Inman, and I said, well, here's

how it goes, James. We're kind of running a two-man show. So it's just me, and fuck you, fuck you, I hate you. Immediately. Like, yeah, and then I just was like, I just hung up. We didn't have time to record this because Andy's called him several times to no

return call. And so it just rang out of the blue we didn't have, Bingo wasn't there yet. Yeah. So we didn't have. Yeah, he went from, you know, explained his, you know, and then I explained what was going on, and then he started yelling at me and I hung up.

Well, first of all, he said he couldn't come because he was too busy because he had to do a housework. But he could be, yeah, he was just waiting for us to go, well, James, we'll all pitch in and do the housework so you can come out. Some I don't know what he, he's like, you know, I don't know if he was trying to prove his manhood by saying he couldn't come. to the show because he had housework because his life had a guest i think it was kind of a um uh you can't fire me i quit that went south where he thought we were going to say he can't be on

the show so he told us he couldn't be on the show and then when we didn't tell him that he was fired that he now he could get on was it's like a 30 minute drive he sent well i sent him a thing saying sorry for hanging up but i've diagnosed with high blood pressure and i'm not supposed to get upset He goes, well, my blood pressure. Yeah, he goes, I got high blood pressure too. And then I sent him articles about high blood pressure. How to deal with it. Yeah, how to stay calm.

But, yeah, that was, we, it was a much. Here's the thing, though, it's like with Inman, if we bring him to the show, it's, it's kind of for our amusement. But you think about how much the audience doesn't like him. Yeah. And it's like, wow, he just ruins 10 to 50, whatever he wants to ruin. and he gets nothing out of it. He leaves just as angry as he came in. Yeah, you have to be a long-term podcast listener to understand the inside joke of it all.

The thing that would be better is to set up a gig, make it look like a real gig, and then just have a tent set up on 30 miles from town and have no audience there. And go, James, we're going to give you a full half-hour rebuttal. James, start the show. We're running late. Oh, the camera. Go ahead. The camera crew can't be here.

but go ahead with your steal just start the show we're going to have you close it out too but just start the show so people can follow the sounds to the I wouldn't do this cornfield and he's not even the right you know but he's somebody I would call

do it I would SWAT SWAT but yeah so we didn't really get to see James I just saw on the internet that him and his lady were sharing a birthday at their folks' house and yeah

we were out of Kansas City on our way to Omaha before the dust settled over and before James could get he sent me a picture of I just mopped the floor and now look at this like it was a family

circus cartoon now the dog the dog tracked up the floor oh what next he would have opened with it yeah yeah oh yeah we were mopping on the guy damn floor and I think I think that uh yeah we were we're pushing that story up the road

we could have had our grease truck driver versus quarterback star former former star quarterback but we did not I brought notes we went to oh the end of this by the end of the tour you feel like you didn't do anything on the tour we're always the little guy and where we ran into the Laura Kimball's daughter our son oh yeah daughter daughter daughter Okay. Okay. And then there was also, we walked into a bar with a, it was like a joke. It was like a trans and a dwarf. Anything else you add, a priest or anything.

Oh, yes. Turns into a street joke. But we, I just am not up on this. But I'd met both of Laura Kimball's kids and I thought it was, I thought this was the son becoming a daughter, not the daughter. I got, I was very confused. Yeah, I screwed it up. a few times but she was very sassy uh or he he kind of turned to a smart ass he he turned into a smart ass emo he told me i look like susan sarandon if she was trying to transition that's a compliment

i guess so but why would susan sarandon she's you know she's sexy enough why would she agree with the politics not even the brand of the politics just the talking yeah yeah so that was fun with that little feller, he wanted, he would, he could, he hit us both up for work. Man, it ain't going to happen. I'm not going to tour. I'm not going to be in a situation where I need a little hype man. No, you're not, you're not going to perform. You're going to stir up the crowd for my show.

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That's code Stanhope to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Price picks, it's good to be right. Well, we left out the white elephant or whatever. in the room. Dave Attell was at our Spokane. Oh, yeah. David Tell in Spokane. On a Sunday, he was

doing a 4 p.m. show, and we were doing the late show at 7 p. Yeah, so all us old dudes stayed up until at least 8.39 o'clock and hung out. Yeah, we went up at the end of his show with him, and he came up at the end of our show with us. He said the first

thing out of his mouth, he said to Andy was, what stage cancer is that you start dressing like Jimmy Buffett. Yeah, I didn't know that was something I needed in my life, but being roasted by Dave Vitell on

stage is great. Yeah, again, it's cliched to say, but you watch him and it makes you not want to do comedy. Oh, yeah, he took the he definitely took the wind out of our sales for the show. I would have swapped 4 p.m.

for 7 p.m. in a minute. I want to die on my feet. That was one of... Is that why? Yeah. Oh, so we didn't have to follow him. Okay.

I felt like following him, even though it was a different crowd. Well, they must know. I probably shouldn't have opened with, wow, you picked the wrong show to go to. Right, right, yeah, yeah. Should have been here a little bit earlier then. Some guy came to the merch booth. This was the hero of the tour, and he had a cassette tape of the great white stand. that he bought on eBay, and he put the label on the cassette jacket, sent to him, and sent from Jeff Stanhope, my brother.

This is Doug Stanhope, the Great White Stanhope. This is the first thing I ever did, and he bought it off eBay from my brother who sold it on eBay, my brother that I don't talk to. your own brother. And I just bought it back for a hundred bucks. Show us the money. Yeah, welcome to Pond Stars. I don't pay for it.

You bought it for 10 or 20, I think 10. Oh, man. I said, how much you sell it to me for? And I think you said 30 or 20. And I said, I'll give you 100. Because we're selling that shit back on eBay. Out of merch money.

Yeah. We're still planning that eBay Black Friday sale of all this stupid shit. And that will be a fucking centerpiece. Yeah. Sure we'll have jackets. Someone brought back a whole bunch of ties they bought from the website saying, I don't really have any use for these. I thought she could sell them again.

Re-gifted. Nick S. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He was great. He came in. He was at the Midland gig, and he came in shaky. He didn't just to give us those ties.

No, he was in the room. He came to the show. show. I saw him in the room. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, because he was there, but we saw before the show. Again, we're on this fucking nowhere highway outside of Midland, which is already

fucking outside of anything. So we're on the outskirts, and there's just this banquet events hall and a bowling alley. And a Mongolian restaurant? A bowling alley that had what had to be, like a yeah, this is a funny story. It had to

be like a Chuckie cheese, but it was called gimmicks, which sounds like a cheesy comedy club name. Why are we playing this empty fucking banquet wedding hall? Well, we could be at gimmicks that we could be playing ski ball with the fans afterwards. Oh, man, yeah. And then across the street was a Mongolian

barbecue, and I'm like, but I looked it up, I go, maybe it has a bar and it did. It had like almost a teaky bar that was completely empty. All the fucking Saturday night sweat hogs are in the buffet shoveling their faces, but in the

back, completely empty bar with Ficky, our very chatty barter. Oh, yeah, yeah. I left after a while to go scout the bowling alley for conversation because she was getting into family stuff. And then I heard this. I'm just honest and that's how I am.

And it's like when people say that, they just fucking run on and on and on. I'm just being honest. You can't even get a break to go like, oh, I'm going to piss. It was just Yeah, your grandkids sound like real trouble. I'm just being honest. We have to have like a like a high sign or buzzword when we're talking about Henry Philip's song,

she's talking again. Mm-hmm. Well, you get mad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she said she got busy back there, but her conversation was like leaking out, like we're the only people to stumble into that bar. Yeah, this was Saturday night where in the middle of fucking nowhere where you should be mobbed. It should be your busiest time.

I were the only two in the bar, which was perfect. But Nick S. we saw beforehand. We're just, there's no place to hide smoking from the fans. It's just this giant parking lot and you're in front or you're in this fucking horrible green room with the wedding party. Oh, yeah, it wasn't a green room so much as, yeah, it's just waiting in the wings of the banquet hall. So, so we found it, and I'm reading this out loud. Nick Est says, yeah, I'm a little shaky. I'm five days off the booze.

I was drinking a fifth a day. And he said, ah, I'm just jittery. I go, yeah, I know. I'm looking for a bar myself. And then I found it and I started reading that the Genghis Khan was the big scorpion bowl drink. And I was reading off all the ingredients. It's got rum, vodka, this, that, orange, cranberry, grand marier, like in grenadine, and with a 151 floater.

And he goes, they have 151 in this town? I can't go off the wagon. He sounded like the guy from the Simpsons. Don't make old Gil go off the wagon. Yeah, that was, well, we were in a, outside, in an area where, you know, you wouldn't be bothered by people. I'm smoking weed in a tree right next to it. And the guy, go, hey, man, great seeing you. And we do a picture or two.

I'm trying to hang out with his noble fur and get my high on. Yeah, people were, we've actually, I don't know if you caught this, but there's like, there was like five dudes who. We've been going to several shows, like road trip into our gigs. It's like, just stop it. You know, just you've seen one. You've seen two. All right, that's enough. Oh, and Robert, again, brain cancer.

Yeah, yeah, Robert. Yeah, to the point, it's almost like Sean Rouse would have regular bits for when he had a fucking facial wound from taking a header the night before. He did it so many times he had worked in bits for if he has a giant scab on his head. Now we have Robert with brain cancer bits. Anyone have brain cancer in here tonight? How are you, mommy? The audience doesn't know who he is. Yeah, yeah.

And he's always... Well, because of his size and he's handicapped, they always put him somewhere where we're going to see him. Yeah. Well, I told him last time, don't sit in the front. They put a light on his head. You know, it's like... Yeah, he's trying to.

He looks like a gross burger from a... Oh, yeah, yeah. I was going to apocalypse now, Marlon Brando. Yeah. A sad... Light-hearted Marlon Brando. I've been trying to get a Homer hat when I can. So for Ohio State, I got a Ohio State bucket hat for $24,

and I sold it for 50 to Roberts Handler, who takes Robert to all the vents. He bid on it first, but I was going to try to get Doug and me to sign it and then tell him it's going to buy your team luck or whatever. But just to turn around where it wants and then turn around and sell it for double the price. It's fun, which I have done it successful.

I don't know if we're even going to do the merch booth grift. We might just do Bibles and posters tonight. I don't know if there's enough stuff. We'll go look through it. Oh, it ain't tonight. This is the last show. Right, not tonight. And now we have so many fucking Bibles.

I wish we could get Bobby right now and go to the show right now Yeah, I would do the show Right here in this parking lot for nobody And you guys won't hear this show It's too late I'm already done with you Gaylord We're still an hour and a half from Gaylord

Yeah Gaylord They told me Oh it's pronounced Gaylord The Booker But then I watched the local weather And they say Gaylord right And if you're up in Gaylord

to expect a precipitation? They probably don't. It's probably uncomfortable. Like, Coquil has had Gay 90s Day, and it was about the 1800s or whatever, but they get now Christian leaning, and so they got rid of Gay 90s and put, they put River Days in place. You have the Gay 90s bar at the Mexican border, and it ain't. Yeah, but when you put the name of the Lord next to Gay, it starts to conjure up some unwholesome

images of Jesus sucking dicks. Jesus looked with 12. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, if you hung out with Christ after the crucifixion. It's like whack-a-mole coming through that fucking hand wound. Hey, Jesus, come on. Just give me one old-fashioned through the rail hole.

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then go finish that episode, that game, or that snack you started. Enjoy responsibly, and thanks to Indic Cloud, for sponsoring the show. Vanessa. Oh, she's show. Oh, yeah, crazy Vanessa. Yeah. She comes.

Well, Doug didn't necessarily remember doing pictures with her, but she, she, but he wanted to, he was done with being out there when he goes, let's go. And he goes, Vanessa, so we were leaving. That was that one, like, undersold show. Yeah. Yeah. It was, like, like, noticeably undersold, and I just still ignored her text messages asking for comps i i i knew you like for three days 15 years ago i that's it yeah yeah yeah well yeah

she did uh send photographs and so there is proof that we did see her after the show but yeah we weren't hanging around yeah we know umington oh i peed my pants again oh yeah yeah that's the same Same situation where you have to push in a code to get to the toilet and your dick's already, you know, weeping by the time that door misfired. Your bladder knows that you're right that close to the finish line and it does that sprint like a good horse. Yeah. If I need to take a morning dump, all I got to do is get far enough from the hotel to be in trouble. And then I get back to the hotel. That's a laxative. Yeah.

Yeah, get to right to the fucking pisser door in the lobby. and oh you need your key card god damn it i'm already peeing these pants khaki pants and then you went to i have great pictures of stand-up business pants he impressively went into the bar and got a drink with the soaked pants which most most fellers he'll feel i can't be out in public like yeah a little ashamed no cocktails yeah not at last yeah it's actually the server's fault You over served me by this much Ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,

We were there Comedy Attic, yeah, and I hadn't played there at 20-some years. It used to be where all, like, all of the alt-road people that only did like four clubs in the country, but called it the road. They'd do like the black hat in D.C. And they'd do the 40 watt in Athens, Georgia.

That's where David Cross. Largo. But that's Largo's thing. That's not even the road. Yeah, yeah. They'd call these like four clubs. And Bloomington, the attic. That's where like Pusain would work.

They were cool there. And I was like, I was not tight with that group. So when I was booked there initially, I was surprised. And there's a great room. But we showed up and they had an opener in the green room. Oh, okay. Now I remember. Yeah.

We don't have an opener. And he's already got his notes out and he's scribbling. He's a young kid and probably nervous. And he didn't even know who I was. But my friends say good things about you. And I'm trying to tell him that he's fired. But we don't, like they did this without asking us. And then they'll look on his little.

doughy face dough-eyed I should say not doughy he was a trim young kid he's a kind of kid that worries about his hair

he was definitely gay which I had no problem with but and I didn't even like didn't even come into my head it's just something you notice like tall yeah yeah

but uh yeah it was dressed like you know what just go ahead and just open and just try to keep it tight because we do a two-man thing. We don't usually have a third person. So just, and he's like, okay, all right.

And I'm like, just have fun. Just, you know, I know he has to shorten his act. I'm like, just do what you do. Have fun. Just remember, it's us against them, faggot. And I went, oh, that's, you know. Words of encouragement. Just like you guys think,

when you call it a safe room for an audience, we think that a green room is a safe room where you don't think about and then I went oh sorry about that yeah well you just let it hang rather I would have tried to say no we're all you know I would have over explained it and go no no I mean you know when I might when I'm out I call myself that if I bump into something I go nice job faggot without hate there's no hate in it well when you're talking to yourself there is yeah yeah oh yeah that's true yeah well I I just shouldn't be knocking my head into stuff.

So, well, you would have over-explained it. I did one step worse as I opened with it. Don't worry. We're all in this together. It's us against them, faggot. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doubled down.

Yeah. And by his act, you would, you know, you would guess that he was, well, he says it. Yeah, he's pretty, uh. It was a good portion of getting it fucked in the ass. type of jokes. Yeah. He's spaggot heavy. Intensive.

Hey, we can say it. You can't. If you want to talk to us, talk through your assholes. You've been doing it. The fucking farts that Bingo has been putting out. They've been good. They've been good. They're so good.

They're so good. Yeah, they're well. We're in Wendy's on the road. And there's just old beef. fucking lunch lady ladies and they're all grousing at each other behind the fucking you can hear all their arguments from back in the friar later and uh i was overly cheery and it's working our on our behalf a few times yeah if you're crabby i'm going to get a smile out of you and then there was the bell i pointed out there's a bell for good service ring the bell uh and so dug went

over and rang that way no i said we're going to ring the bell uh-huh And then bingo comes in and lets out this belching fucking walrus fart other than the crab apples in the fucking back sniping that's silent. And this fart that tore ceramic tile up. And as soon as she was exhausted, I let the paws sit and then went over and ding, ding, ding, ding. the bell and the ladies perked up because they thought it was a compliment of it you know well it was gonna be but bingo stole their show yeah she blasted out the she stole their thunder with ass rumblings bingo's been on the stealing bibles thing where there was bibles are so hard to find and Andy does the thing where he just follows housekeeping around and he'll go in and they leave the

door open or they're in there and he goes oh i'm sorry i think i left my charging cordon here And he goes in and grabs the Bible and pulls a charging court he already had. Oh, here it is. But Bingo just called the front desk and said a Bible study, motherfucker. I don't think she said the motherfucker part. No, no. They brought it. How many did they bring?

Like six or? I got two sent up and then I decided I had a bigger Bible study. And I wrote all my ex-boyfriend's names on a piece of paper. And I took it down to the front desk and I pointed all of my ex-boyfriend's names out. And I said, I'm having a Bible study. And so I got six Bibles and books of Mormons sent up to the room. Which makes no sense that she was asking for both. Could we compare and contrast?

No, I know, but I got them. So now we have too many Bibles. You want to be out right on the last show. But now we have like 11, the smallest show we've done in a place that nobody knows us. So, yeah, we might either drop. the prices or Bingo's carrying those home. Yeah.

Like a fucking mule. Send them to the X's. She's been crushing at merch sales except one of her outfits she brought. Uh-oh. Well, she had one outfit, which I don't, Doug and Bingo were disagreeing on her outfit. Bingo was in the bathroom.

Is this too much? And Doug goes, and you could see, it was see-through and her beat, you know, I said on stage and it was like a half-heaten roast beef sandwich hanging out something like that but I said no

I was thinking about just from the you know like We had just gotten a French dip for dinner that we split me hard It was French dip Yeah a French Yeah there was juice There was some juice sauce dripping out there

A little horsy sauce Respect But I said No because I mean I think nipples help sales, but if a guy's going to, you know, what are you buying at that point, you know? So she put on a more moderate outfit, killed it with sales. No, she put on white underpants underpants under her white pants. Yeah, yeah.

She was going to wear this dress without the underwear. Yeah. I kept the seething thing on, I put on panties, but I kept no top on. I had a see-through top. Yeah, the meatballs. We did. You could see my tities, but on my trams. But then the next, I was it the next night she tried it.

No, I was the same night. Didn't she, wait, no, wait. No, no. The next night she had an outfit and then she was wearing a lizard mask and. Big rubber lizard mask. You told me to cover up. Fuck off, you two. Yeah, so more, she was more. She had a football jersey that says the diaries as a team.

I know, I'm possessive. I didn't. Are you wearing it? Oh, there it is. Yeah. Yeah. She got it for free because she ordered it, but they made. diarrhea is possessive with the

apostrophe. So it's not the name of a team. It's like Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. It doesn't make any sense now. But she wore a lizard mask and no one would fucking talk to her. She's selling pre-show. She sells pre-show. And so pre-show, no one

knows it's her. They just see a weird chick and a fucking lizard mask. No, you would talk to me, Alex. Hey, will you grab me that other bottle of a little bottle of wine there? Sales reflected. On the table. on the lizard sales approach. Yeah.

Beaver, we don't know. We don't know. Thank you. But I'm glad we don't. You can take these notes. There's nothing else in there worth talking about. Oh, my bacon story. Oh, yeah.

So at Midland, Bingo's been a lot of times eating nothing but bacon. You know how she has a weird diet that changes every day? Like... This one's supposed to help. lower cholesterol. Thanks for the service. Oh, sorry, honey. I love you too.

Let it breathe. So there's a lot going on here in Alma. I'm hoping to get to Walmart later. It's like the only thing going in town here. Before the Monday rush. Oh, man, yeah, no, I don't think I want to go there after school. It's football tonight. if we have TV

we have checked out. No, we got a lot of channels. Do you? Yeah, yeah. I think we're good. Those are the only two things when you go into the office there that they have on their giant board of amenities and slide-on letters is wireless cable and

cable television. That's all we needed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so Bingo goes, while we're on stage, she goes next door to that gimmicks place next to the bowling alley. And she says, you know, that wasn't lizard head night, but she has this other weird headpiece that looks like the fifth element fucking opera lady. Yeah, not the hot one, the opera lady. Anyway, yeah, she went in there, dressed in all of her garb. Was that the, yeah, you were wearing overalls.

You were wearing overalls and the bead, the pearl. Pearl-beated headdress and bald, and she goes, I didn't think I was causing a scene, but then as I was leaving all these Saturday night families with their kids bowling in Middle America, she thought maybe I did cause a scene, and then she posted a story about that the next day on Facebook, and someone said, yeah, we were at the show

and we went over to that place afterwards to find a drink, and they were still talking about you. So I guess I caused a scene. It's too bad you didn't get. out in that one outfit that I said no to for the bowling alley's sake. Oh, right. It's kind of like you always picking the worst place to smoke when it's illegal, like right in front of a camera and a smoke detector.

She's the same way with picking the wrong town for the vagina outfit. That's a Portland outfit. You wear that in Portland, Oregon? No one's going to turn their head. You wear it in Portland, Maine. You're getting thrown out of a friendlies. Probably so. I don't know that we have much footage to show you.

Did we take any footage? I mean, we took footage. We were shitty about it. Every time shit, like, we wanted to tell and all that, we didn't have any. We didn't do any footage. Nobody has footage. It's kind of like Skank Fest. I'm going to put my camera away for this.

I'll take the high road. I'm not claim jumping on. Tells, you couldn't, I mean, he doesn't like being taped during shows, and he's aware of those glass cams. he's definitely uh uh oh yeah those eyeglass camps that you're fond of he've you see those yet you spot those in the crowd yet yeah he had someone to have to erase theirs after a show or during a show i don't know i i couldn't tell you three jokes he did i was you laughed so fucking hard that you're still laughing let's talk about mattresses what kind do you you oh it's just

Yeah, he's four riffs ahead. Yeah. I don't even remember what the mattress joke was. Yeah, no, I remember the one about the... I don't want to die in my sleep. I want to die on my feet. Like, maybe caught in one of those revolving doors. I mean, and multiple tags on that, but I could only remember that basic setup and punchline.

It was a master class. Let's set up Tomorrow we pick up Bobby We're all going to There's going to be like 11 people Seven of them, four of us We're going to meet up and have breakfast Because he gets out around seven in the morning

And then we have to go an hour and a half He's going to go Probably two hours plus To go check in with his PO And his hometown and then go over to the gig And we go straight Anyway There's no place around here

That's going to seat 11 11 people at 7 o'clock in the fucking morning. So right now the plan is to all meet up at a McDonald's, which is very cliche for getting out of prison, but I think Bobby will be very happy after 12 and a half years to see how little McDonald's has changed or anything else in the world. Hey, they brought the McRibbs back and took them back away again. Oh, wait until he finds out this disorder in the Middle East.

What? Who's going to tell him who's president? Hey, no. It's so lame, Stan Hope. So, yeah, it's going to be a long show because Mike Ball, that's what I was saying earlier. Ballsworth. Ballsworth. If there were more guys, because he's got his shit together.

Like, he gives me a proper breakdown of, you know, the ticket sales and he's on top of shit, W-9. He's not like, he's a comic, but he books. like a booker. Like, he has a spreadsheet and shit, and you know, you know, cost everything, and he's on top of it. And, yeah, if there were more guys out there that you could trust to do small, shitty towns like Midland, Michigan,

I would do more of these. I'd prefer these. It definitely felt like a little bit of that one. Deadwood would have a show on, you know. Could have come out and balance some. something on a two-by-four and gotten applause. Ladies with the pinafores. What do you call those little umbrellas?

I don't know where you're eating. We're between a Wendy's and a McDonald's. Yeah. If you want to risk that four lane, you can get over to a Jimmy Johns. Even number of steps for ball, either one. And a KFC. I'm thinking Burger King laddie might go walk up to the KFC and forego the burger. King because he gets Burger King at home.

When you're on the road, do you get what you can't get at home? Well, we were so, we, we're talking just a hot, hot thing of mashed potatoes. I definitely got down. I got, I got, I don't know how I felt about it later, but I got, we got down with some, uh, hungry

jacks on, on, uh, we had one of, was it, oh, yeah, it's been a while. No, no, it was the other guy. It was, uh, the other guy with a Tesla. Ballsworth was doing a whole bit about drive his Aztec versus some other car that shitheads drive

and he goes, I have a 1990-something Aztec and I'm like, you just gave us a ride here and I'll fuck your test. I knocked him out on stage. I go an Aztec you drive, really? Is that a self-driving Aztec? No.

Fibber. I said it to the girl that was standing next to me in the back of the room when he said, And I go, are you with him? She goes, yeah, I'm his girlfriend. I go, he's talking about driving an Aztec when he drives a Tesla. She goes, he had an Aztec when he wrote the joke. Fair enough.

But yeah, we definitely ate some Burger King because I got to order to single and got handed a double. And our driver had that, he ordered two doubles. Yeah. And I ate one of them. But I was like, fuck. It just was over before I knew. it you know yeah it was some comedian well there and there's the burger king signs just right yeah that's what i'm saying wow he could he could not cross the highway well i got to get up to the

walmart this is a we don't even need to uh just us talking is a travelogue of this town you don't even need to pan around i know you'll get some b-roll on our way to the prison of the road there's a community church uh cross the street and then three fasts food places on our wings and Jimmy John across the highway. We pulled into the opening of the prison, just the main entrance where they're just to go into the parking lot. It has this giant sign of all the dues and don'ts and no this, no cell phones. It didn't say no cell phone recording.

It said no cameras, no, like can I have it on me? Even like when you go through the border, go through customs, it says like no recording. This said no cell phones. And I'm not going to, like, fuck up Bobby's day. Well, evidently, your friend's brought fucking, what do you call it? Shit, you can't bring you to prison. Contraband. Yeah, your friends brought you a contraband.

I don't even want Bobby riding in the same car as fucking weed-smelly McGee over here. He fails a piss test just from sniffing his hair. So, yeah. So tomorrow, we're just at this point, We'll meet in the McDonald's and head north to the show. We'll be up bright and early in Alma. Early. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Not bright. Yeah, yeah, but early. Well, I aim to see as much Alma as I can in the next six hours. All right. Well, stay safe and bring your knife and your mace because you never know where Mark Sanchez is doing wind sprints in an alley. Give us a clap, bingo. I don't want to get fucked up by Johnny Manzell behind Culvers.

Australian Alex here. If you're still listening, you don't want to wait a week for the next episode. We've put the Bobby episode up early on YouTube. So you can head over there now. I've put the link in the description. And why not give us a subscribe? We're there too.