The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Low Watt Gurgling in High Back Chairs

Episode Date: September 22, 2025

Chad, Andy, Doug and Bingo catch up the week before the big Vegas show, in the NEW STUDIO/old set from Discount Meat. Watch along on YouTube Teasers: Andy's Life Changes for the Worse / Chad Crushes at the DMV / Doug's a Quitter / Joe Rogan riding with Hitler / Vegas Bus Plans and more! Bid on Doug's jacket: https://www.ebay.com/usr/stinkchicken Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/STANHOPE and use code STANHOPE and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Closing bootleg from Tacoma 2001 - Full show available on PatreonSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This episode is brought to you by prize picks. You and I make decisions every day, but on prize picks, being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this season on prize picks, where it's good to be right. It's easy to play. Pick more or less on two to six player stat projections. If you know, you know. If you're correct, you can win some serious cash. And what cash isn't serious in this economy?

Me, this is how I play. I look at my tour dates on Doug standoff.com slash tour and I look at the places I'm playing and those are always good luck as long as they're sold out. Kansas cities in my future. That's right. Detroit. All sorts of places. I find my, I'll find a favorite player if I don't have one. And I'm going to make sure that he is more or less, more or less of what I want him to be, more or less. So if you know, you know. And you can cash out on Venmo, Apple Pay, MasterCard, and you could even have a Dwarf and a Fedora deliver it right to your door.

Dwarfant of Fedora is not an actual option. Download the app today and use code Stanhope to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Stanhope to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. I said that. prize picks it's good to be right this has nothing to do with right or left in a political viewpoint nice chill outa that's what i need to do according to people i'm close to or used to be close to i've figured out that if i do have to leave the house the best thing to do is just stop

immediately at the first corner store and buy what it is and chill outa and just drink it On my way to town. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when our car broke down, when my Derek hit that fucking chunk of thing and blew out of tire, and I'd forgotten I'd already taken an edible. So when we got to Benson,

I went in to get a beverage, and I was going to get Subway, and I was going to start eating everything, and I didn't know what I wanted, and then I was lost in the aisles, and then I just go, I'm going to get one of those, And that'll keep me until we get to Tucson.

I guess it's the THC, but it just takes, you know, like the flat tire shit probably. Like just when things happen and you're on edibles, it's just easier to roll with the punches. Yeah. Yeah, I went, I just discovered, well, I didn't just discover it, but I just remembered yesterday that I didn't have an updated driver's license for getting on an airplane. Oh, shit. Oh, no way. So I had to haul ass over to the DMV yesterday. And when over there, I give them my driver's license and two valid military IDs.

And they're like, do you have a passport or a birth certificate? Yeah, yeah. Do I look like a person that has either one of those things? No, I don't have either one. Yeah. So you can go to the health department and give them fucking 20 bucks and they'll give you one. It's like, all right, I'll go do that. Wow.

And then I went back and they're like, do you have? You need two pieces of mail. I go, I have fucking three IDs. This one is from you guys that has my address on it. I don't understand. So I luckily, I'd go in in the, I had already had to chill out it, so I didn't get too much set. But I went into the bed and dropped my registration, which is really redundant because it's also from you guys, which is also what it says in your computer. But I didn't get angry about it.

Except the first time I went, I went right in. There was nobody there. I talked right to the lady and she's like, you need all this other shit. So then I go to the health department. Then I come back. And now there's nine people ahead of me in line. So I have to wait there.

And the lady right in front of me when it's almost my turn, she wants a personalized license plate. But she hasn't thought of it yet. So she's fucking telling people, well, what about this one? And he's like, no. that one's taken and I had to listen to this about four times before I finally made eye contact with the lady behind the desk and just was like look back at the nine people behind me and I

look back at her and then she's like maybe you should do this online and I'm like yeah maybe you should have told her to do it online and not in front of the line to start with you fucking asshole that's all I had a roof that'd be a cool like online personalized play I did When I went to the DMV fairly recently for similar, I lost my shit. And it's like you get there an hour before and there's people lining up. So I get there about a half hour and about 15 people back. I get one of the early numbers. I got everything I need.

And then I get up there and the guy says, you need two pieces of mail. I said, no, it says online. I got sent away. But before going away, I did it fucking crazy rant guy. Like, oh, fuck this place, man. Fuck the DMV. The worst fucking run. And then I go to the car and see two pieces of mail.

Oh, shit. So I was like, all right, I'll just go back in. And I go, I go, I explained it to him. And he goes, no, what you had should have been good enough. And then I had to wait 30, 40 people because by then... Well, at least it gave you some time to not be the guy who just left yelling, fuck you. No.

Hey, I'm back. Not, yeah, no, not really. Because I sat with all the people who I was just saying, fuck this play. One bunch of fucking assholes. They fuck you every time. And then I sat back down. an hour to get back on.

Well, when it was finally my turn, they took all the chairs out of the DMV. So when it was finally my turn, I had realized there's a lady behind me with a cane and a fucking hospital bracelet leaning on a stanchion. So when it was my turn, I was like, man, please, you know, go ahead. And then we happened to be in the parking lot together and I was like, that's ridiculous. And she goes, oh no, they have a handicapped seat over there. I was in it forever. They just kept skipping me.

I finally just got in line. I goes, equally fucking ridiculous. I didn't yell anything. I was very nice at the DMV because I really wanted to have this ID. But I did do that at the BA clinic the other day because I went there for a regular appointment. And then the nurse comes in. They do your weight and they do your blood pressure. And then she's like, are you a straight man?

and I was like I don't I don't think that's relevant to anything can you explain that's fucking ridiculous I was laughing I said it just like that I'm like can you explain I mean you guys know it's in your computer

right there that I've been married to the same woman for fucking almost 30 years so I mean unless that's a really good beard I don't think that's you know I don't think that question is going to be what cracks me out of the closet it. You don't ever put me to the colds like this before.

Just me and you here, it's true. Yeah, it wasn't a lady or a... It was a lady. And then we went on, because then she did my blood pressure. And she's like, that's kind of high. And I go, I don't have blood pressure. I was a little bit agitated, a bit you're fucking dumb. Because there was like two other dumb questions immediately after.

And I was like, just put that I don't refuse, just put that I refuse to answer this. I don't, you know, there's all mental health stuff. But it's just redundant. Great, you're kind of linguist. And if I answer you, honestly, I'm going to the fucking fourth floor, you know, at the hospital. So I'm not going to answer them anyway. So and then, but she was real nice. And then she said, let me do it again.

We did it again. I go, I've calmed out now. I go, that was a little ridiculous, though, and all this stuff. Then we visited about things. And then the doctor comes in it. Sounds like he failed a lie detector to tell you that sounds like to me. You were rude to my nurse. She wrote, I was not rude to your nurse.

Where is your nurse? I was not rude in any way. In her paper works under gay, she wrote, possibly. Yeah, thou doesn't protest it too much. Oh, that won't fit. I'm just going to put yes. I like them strike for it. Are you either of you homosexuals?

No, no, but we are willing to learn. I honestly, what I wanted was an explanation of why that's a question now, when it never have been before. I thought it was interesting. ridiculous and irrelevant. I don't, you know, is, am I, what diseases am I more, you know,

I don't, maybe that's the only thing I could think of. We're gonna have to screen you for asshole diseases that I'm not aware of because I'm straight. I don't know. How do you think I got cancer? It was my pre-cancer screening

and I fucked it up. Have you? So, so what happened? Fuck. Fucking shit. I knew, uh, I knew where it was going to

go, it was just like Andy said, you know, fuck you, fuck this place. And the last time I got upset at the VA hospital was when they told me to leave. And then I told them, I don't think you can find anybody in here that can fucking make me leave. And then they called 911 on me. And I knew that we were right there. So I just, I'll just leave. I won't. And then they called me later.

Would you like to reschedule your appointment? No, no, I would not like to reschedule them. Fuck. So what, I can't fucking talk. That shit is... We'll move it far away. Grandpa, misothelioma over here. I had to quit smoke, I had whatever vague fucking sickness

and the fucking, my lungs just... I would ask him to read, Grandpa, could you read the Three Bears? I can't because... Can't you just use that in your voice, Grandpa? Can you just use your wheezing as a character? So you said, which is perfect from fucking Andy's news for you. I'm a homosexual. Now, you're, you're bad, I thought he said news.

Yeah, yeah. Just texted me about how your life has just changed for the worst. My daughter announced that she's pregnant and, and she gave us both a cup. And my wife's blind and slow on the draw. I saw a grandpa and I was like, oh. And I thought, you know, that for me is like, woo-hoo, or whatever. I was like, oh, okay. And then I got out of the way because my wife's like, what's the, oh, I don't need any more, you know, that kind of shit.

So then my daughter took it as I was disinterested. And then when I was, she took the opportunity when I was being negative about something to jump my shit and said I was negative about that. I showed no reaction when she said she was pregnant and all that. And then later, while we're on the drive, this is a day later, she said, Taylor Swift. is engaged, and I was like, what? Taylor Swift? Oh, my God, are you kidding? Oh, wow. Oh, good news. Finally sent them to break up the monotony of this birded-up world. But, yeah, Grant, I would be a grandpa, and then I wasn't excited. I mean, you know, I really did, it's cool for them or whatever, but I think the world's so fucked up. But then they got the genetic marker while they were there,

and she said, oh, it's going to be a girl. And that made me. happy that it wasn't going to be a little you know soldier fighting robots maybe it'll be you know something different but i'm going to be a grandpa i'm going to choose that joy i'm going to go with a title i had a nephew and i was his great uncle and i had him call me the duke so maybe i'll come up with something like you know something cooler than grand grandpa i'll let you know right now the little kid usually just calls you whatever the fuck they want to call you and then you're stuck with it. Yeah.

It's... Angry, douche, asshole. Yeah, yeah. Whatever his mom calls you behind your back. Yeah. Like a parent. Asshole grandpa. I, I stop, well, I mean, being accused of being negative, which that's kind of my thing.

I guess I'm negative. You definitely have to throw a poker face on for that. My youngest son, I just had a babysit a three-month-old when I talked to you guys the other day. Well, this was what I was saying the other day about people who act like we were your kid turns 18 it's over and it's like it just doesn't end and that's where he was just texting me about well yeah my son who's got the EV AVM the the all the the aneurysms in his brain he's moving back home for like health reasons and uh then my daughter is also moving back home yeah and um where's cheap it in globe all right yeah i'm she's been doing

good but she's got an ex that broke into her house and trashed it and stuff. So she just wants to get the fuck out of there. When you say move back home, does that mean in your house? Well, I am the one who was like, well, there are kids. We have to. Like, I had to sell it to Jenny. I'm like, we can't just let them fall.

You know, we did that, you know, even though I didn't really create any of them. But, you know, I was like, we have to do it. But Jenny's already on the, like, well, look at this. She's trying to show me like little motorhomes and trailers. And she's trying to get at least half of them not in the house with us. But, yeah, I've already been living in the studio. I think I might have to just put a toilet in there, and then I won't have to leave.

So how do you load a Glock? Let's do it together. Maybe I won't sell my motorcycle. Maybe it has use after all. Yeah, so, well, it's not a cool club to be in, but Huh? Hey, we don't have done.

Yeah. Hey, choose, baby. Hey, y'all. Hey, look at us. Our life is great. Fuck these losers. Yeah. One week to the bus,

speaking of losers. Yeah. We're taking me. Well, that story changed, didn't it? Yeah. And it was still going to be a bus. Oh, no. Has there been an empty?

It's no, it's not a double-decker bus. That picture they used of that panoramic view was of a double-decker bus but we ain't on one. It was a stock. It was clip-art. Yeah, when I read the, you know, underneath that,

oh, it's the panoramic view. It just means the closest to the driver. That just means we bought it from the old double-tree shuttle. But now we're using it for this. I don't understand. Good news is Wi-Fi. Well, we'll be filming shit. Yeah, yeah.

And we had the front two rows. Alex O'Mara is coming, so there's eight of us on the bus. And the good news is that I looked at the seating chart when I figured out, oh, fuck, this is not. Because I just thought upstairs we'll be able to smuggle our own booze. A little mobile party. Yeah. Now we're going to be right beside the driver. So even on the podcast when we talk shit about how fucking lousy it is to be on a bus for nine and a half hours, which is inherently funny.

Yeah. I mean, that's why, that's how James Inman. I want to see if it's funny for Andy as it is for me. When's the last time you went nine and a half hours without smoking weed, Andy? Yeah, well, the last time I was, more importantly, the last time I was on a bus, I sat right behind the driver. It's like five hours in Florida, and I fell asleep, and I woke up and everybody's screaming, the bus, we hit a semi-truck, and everybody was freaking out.

That's right. Yeah. Andy has B-T-SD. no yeah no the cool thing was is I woke up and I was the coolest person on the bus because I didn't witness the accident everybody else was shaking up and I was like hey calm down it's not her fault or whatever making up witness statements yeah how did you not get a lawsuit out of that especially I called Kersner and then I actually you know jammed the injury a little more but yeah it was a it was a bit before I could get to a doctor but I did call Jay right away and said I was involved in a bus act he goes well get make sure your injuries are documented and you know make sure you get a good picture that shows the bruising and in that situation you don't wait to see a doctor you tell them on the scene uh yeah

I thought yeah I went I got an Uber to the fucking you're on the way you're on the way with I get I know yeah that's why you can't guess how many people showed up guess how much You're working for the dork? Since, you're working for $30,000? No. I was working for $0. Sorry, I'm not going to make it.

I got a better gig. Yeah. No, shit. Then you go, also, I lost work because of it. Yeah. Yeah. Some comedians make up to $20,000.

Yeah, that's it. I wish I, instead of any of those comedy workshop books, I got, I read it one time or I wish I would have a grifter's guide to the universe and, you know, always fake injury after every accident, you know, just lay down and don't give out any information. That would have been good advice. Yeah. By the time Jay got to me, I was already away from the scene and I should have stayed there in a ball cry.

This drink is fucking delicious. It is. But it's fucking maddening because a... The straw is too small. I got watermelon and a jalapeno. It's like when you go jamba juice. It's like when you go jamba juice. jammed up and you're doing a jamba juice and all of a sudden you can't suck anymore and it's like a banana wedged in there

no no thank no thank you it takes a cock suck your throat to get uh those little straws to spit up the fruit oh so the good news is uh i looked at the seating uh chart and we have there's eight of us and there's like 22 rows of seats and there's only three other people on the bus as of now a week out because Vegas was dead and if we each fake having to take an emergency shit once I figured we can get high on the way yeah there's like a 20-minute stop oh okay Phoenix aflick yeah that's we're gonna need a bong that's gonna put bong just fill it up quick get our backs of them sucked down one yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I had I found the um maybe they sell them here but it I think it was in Illinois they had

dog walker just little yeah like that just to a little smaller than that but yeah my longs are so fucked after whatever's i thought it was home over for chicago yeah yeah uh like it was his 60th birthday and we airplane drank you know i i was like hitting walls at the hotel uh when we got there and i thought it was just i couldn't catch up from that hangover but i was turns out i was sick Because when I got back, I didn't smoke for three days. I didn't smoke or drink. Like, Jesus Christ for three days, and I still was fucking sick. Well, this is not hangover.

You don't think the fact that you didn't even drink for three days meant that you were sick. Maybe. Oh, that's because I'm sick. As Doug said on way back on our tour, it's like one of us is going to be dead before. The tour's over. We've still got time on it. We're going to Vegas. maybe we can put the official odds up.

Yeah, we said one of us will be dead by the end of the tour. And then by the second minute of Chicago, I said by the end of this gig. Yeah, yeah. And I was, that was before my latest C-scan, and Doug goes, he's shitting too much blood and puking too much to not have cancer. And I was like, oh, fuck, yeah, he's right. I got cancer. I knew you just, you tried to bring your alcoholism right back up to

Stample levels right away, and you can't do that. Yeah, no, I... You have to 12-step your way into that sort of alcoholism. Yeah, definitely slowed down my drinking since the Australia Day Drinking Show. Not all the time, but consistently I've taken it a little easier. Oh, wait, no, that one shelf that I had ketamine stuck all over my face and went up with my third and fourth margarita of the morning, and I got up there, and I got up there, and And I said, oh, fuck, I'm not going to be able to, this is fucked.

I mean, you know, I did a long, long, one-manton show with no laughs. That was a while back. Yeah, that was early on. That was, yeah, that was definitely. Yeah, Chicago was fucking great. I mean, I really, I had to, like. Those were fun shows. Fake it.

I am plowing through, like, I was so fucking spent. I was so fucking that I had autopilot, faked all. energy no like there's no fat just trim right everything's down to the fucking beats which and it's great like we should be working like that all the time and so they're great shows but I was walking off stage going I know yeah I can't I can't I already can't do tomorrow show like like Nick Nalty I'm getting too old for the shit yeah but again I it was more than just a hangover I love the I love a lot of this set but I've just

about the gigs and going, wow, we are going to strip these fucking stolen hotel Bibles like fucking copper wire and a meth heads in old high school. Yeah. Yeah, Bibles have been hot sellers. I think I'm going to take those. I think everybody's anxious to read the ending.

See what happens. But we won't have merch in Vegas, except we were... Fuck, no. We did. did one time because it wasn't been the first time we played there because the Gary, the manager, said to me, what's up with your fans and the Bibles? Like, I keep seeing these people walking around with Bibles and there's Stano fans.

And then the housekeeping tells me they're taking all the Bibles out of their rooms. Is that the first time was ever addressed? Yeah. Yeah, by management. That's fucking good. So, yeah, well, that doesn't necessarily mean. We're selling merch. No.

They're just stealing the Bibles for us. I would think anybody walking around with a religious book at a casino, they're like, I'm not sure that's allowed here. I'll be selling urine. You won't pass any drug tests with it, but like just in case you're into that, I'm willing to sell it. I'll sell your test. We were talking about doing these in Vegas as just if you want one, Venmo has money,

and then we'll let you into the, again. exclusive party that we're already posting for free. Oh, yeah. Hang on. I'm going to send this to Alex right now before I forget. This is from Gary at the plaza. Ice will be on the premises, so make sure you have your passports handy. Here, I sent it to Minzi because she was the first of my phone. This is how they're promoting the first.

football watch I have not seen that no we too I just saw it today not with a phone finger oh my god there you

should should we should we touchdowns and tirades with Doug Stanhope game day just got unfiltered they think we're going to have

like microphones so what do they say how much are they paying for the host of I'll get lippy that monkey sure can't catch they definitely need to Photoshop the post Stanhope face

on that one just looks like you'd leave me alone unless it's important one look at the skull one year I went to it he was informally hosting the party and he wasn't there for the first set of games I don't know if you made it

after noon or whatever but yeah the last time I was the only one that showed up Maybe you showed up at earlier than the game. I showed up, yeah, pregame, probably. Or just vaguely pregame. And I waited until the game started and like one person walked by. Everybody showed up.

No one's fucking getting up at 9 o'clock in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning for football. Apparently you are with opinions. Maybe, well, yeah, we'll just get Annie Letterman. And that might have been on New Year's, too. It might have been in New Year's Day football. I was thinking some of the shitty behavior I've had at that particular, at your show at the plaza. I mean, one time I opened a bit, me and Becker opened, it a short set. But just going as a person in the audience, I hope to make up for that.

This lady emailed me, Bobby, if you're listening, and said, hey, I've seen you every time. I've seen you a million times. I've seen you every time you've been in Vegas. We come out, and I've always had a great time, except for last time when some woman in the audience threw up. And that made me throw up, and I couldn't stop, so I had to go to my room. Oh, good.

Okay, I thought there was a witness to something under my table. Thought you were the one that made the lady throw up? Yeah, yeah. I said, that can't be going on in public. And she threw up. But the one I'll talk about was the drunk driving of the scooter behind the stage. Oh, no. It was Louis Anderson's scooter.

Brian Hennigan was so pissed off at you. He quietly threatened to murder. Like, if somebody goes, I'm going to kill you loud in public, you're like, fuck you. You know, but when I'm going to murder you. Yeah, I remember I was standing right by Hennigan. He was going to tear you apart. Yeah. But it's a lot, it's like I haven't been on a jet ski for years, but Louis Anderson's scooter, gosh, rest of soul, was pretty juiced up to get him out on stage, you know?

And just riding out, it was a lot of fun, but yeah, I didn't think about Doug's a grown up and he's doing a show and people, you know. And then the LSD year, which was a separate incident, but my head just melted and I couldn't. They started, I ran into security and they started asking questions like, who? what are you doing here and do you where's your you have a ticket and that's all that what where's your room key do you remember that when we found him underneath the table on the he wasn't he wouldn't yeah if i was if i was up at that point and to get into that elevator you know you were the upper and it was i couldn't and there were a wheelchair showing up and then a blind person i was like oh it's just like having a really bad trip and i was on the phone and

i think it was bratt and he goes where are you and i go i'm under a table i'm over I'm okay, but I'm under a table, and then the elevator opens, and then they get off. And then I'm like, oh, the penthouse, that little elevator vestibule, there's that table on the back wall, and it was fucking terrified underneath that little table. Yeah, it was right after Bart Starr died. I know that, because it started happening. I think it's already, like, it's too cliched because of fear and loathing to have a bad trip in Las Vegas, but you lean into the fucking. I leaned in here at that time. I leaned into that one.

Me and Chad both looked at those big cubes and gone, Chad goes no, and I was like, no. I took mine in the privacy of my own home months later. And it went well. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, it wasn't in the fucking Las Vegas, dude. That's not the place for us. For me, Fremont is for my ideal place for ass.

Yeah. Fremont is no place you want to just soak in a thing and then take it into your brain. You know, okay. The kid that I met him in AA over when I once. to A.A. for several months. Hector, and

he's the guy to actually turn me on to Fear and Loathe, and then when we were out of A.A. quickly that we had to do ass and go to the circus circus, just because it was the best book I'd ever read up until Sam Town's running the light.

And we were at the way you'd throw the softball into the milk jug impossible game. And he's just fucking just watching the balls fly. It's like, we. And I walked up and I said, I'm only going to show you this one time.

Put a dollar down and fucking got my ball. I just did this while making eye contact with him. And it swished. Oh, shit. There was a fucking trail. Got a Bart Simpson doll and I said, one time. Starting to walk away. And then I thought, wait, what if I can keep doing it?

You ruined it. Perfect story. I don't have. Oh, no. That's still pretty goddamn good story. What did you do with the dog? No, I just kept fucking throw a ball. Like, God damn it.

I could have just, I had it. I did the look. I did the perfect watermelon toss today. Over my head. All right. So that, yeah. I did the brat far away, you know, like I knew it was going over the fence. Anyway.

Legel mat. A little havelina feeding. Yeah, a little pig feeding. Yeah, a little pig feeding. upper decker which is what I was thinking when you talked about the bus depending on how the experiences goes I was when I found out it's not a double-decker

I thought all right well maybe if we move it to the back of the bus because we will I mean this is not a greyhound it's called Flicks bus and then they're kind of updated it's still a bus and it's still you know seven short bus yeah it's been good night

they're bright green bingo love it just for the color so I thought we'll move it to the back of the bus and we'll be by the chair and that way we can still not have the eye of the fucking driver and ear and then one of the three people

other than us that's on the bus got the one right beside the toilet in the back and that's someone who is probably fucking smoking weed yeah podcast guest Let's move to the back. Bring him into the party. We're all fine.

Do you ever hear the Green Tortoise bus? Oh. That says a hippie bus that ran from, I don't know, it definitely went to Friscoe, but West Coast, hippies and him, you know. It sounds cool, but once you're in a bus full of hippies,

you know, and that ain't that great, but they'd smoke weed, had hammocks and jammed and such. Hopefully that won't be going on. I'll be the hippie on our bus. When I was in the Army, I had to take a bus from Kentucky to South Carolina. And the only thing you do is stop and eat fast food.

And then at one point, I get farting on the bus. And they had to stop the bus like three times because they thought the toilets were backed up. I was like, I was just in there silently proud of myself. I stopped it. I stopped the bus. My farts. Great. Yeah.

Yeah, the Greyhound will keep, I mean, that guy got his head hacked off. I think they still went a few miles up the road after that. Well, that was in Canada. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you're allowed to do that. The Canadians were too. That's like a... They let that guy right out, too.

So he's just wandering around now. Yeah. Maybe he's our bus driver. Yeah, the first time we played... Oh, yeah. We played... We were in a murder hotel, and they showed us where the... This famous murderer happened in a bathtub.

We got in the bathtub. Yeah. And then there is telling us about the fucking the bus murderer, the decapitation. I was just going to ask Bingo if she could make us one. But if you grab, we Bingo, you grab the ice. I get that. I got it. Cool.

Thanks. Bingo's with child. She should be. With child. That would be frightening. And it's Chucky. Andy came home with the last, last, last, last we were on the podcast

pool side their fountain side Andy had just lost his phone again and now it came home with three phones. Yeah look at these are both mine and I have a third one I'm watching. He did find his phone was in that green room wedged into

a seat cushion. Well you can see but in the meantime it's like a resume for being a drug dealer like I'm not a drug dealer but I could be if you're hiring I have the gear go back to the last thing taken and then it's i'm standing by that guy yep and then it goes missing after that what he's saying was that guy well we you know we both remember handing it to that guy to do a picture and he was going to take a picture the three of us that picture never

happened so it wasn't my fault at all i don't remember handing it to that guy what kind of a guy steals your phone and then no i didn't think he stole it he was he was a little bit under the weather snowed in a little snowed in if you will and I thought you know when I'm sketchy under the water so he didn't realize he did it until I stopped to mail it back he didn't he didn't it ended up in a couch cushion and the manager found it yeah did you guys want of you guys leave this foe but I knew different than Andy hang on this any Andy out of this all right I'm on one of these if you guys have some leftover are you making me jealous yeah we'll do it skinnier

nice up skinny or greeted did you already oh you already skinny greeted yeah Yeah, so he lost his phone. Then the manager said, I'll set up to his house. But meanwhile, he's on the road. So I got my burner phone from Alex. And so he had that phone while he's waiting for his other phone to get home. So then he gets home and buys another phone. No, no.

I bought it a previously. Oh, okay. It was just in a bag waiting for my... I thought you had to put a card in it, but apparently they just... Anyway. But I order... I wanted to...

Because I got these two extra phone numbers, and I'm tired of people calling me. So I'd rather just have a phone. It doesn't you? Hold on. Can we go back to having extra phone numbers? Because I don't... I mean, I get how you can do it,

but how does it accidentally... Every car... I don't know what to do with all these phone numbers. T-Mobile is good at upselling, but I said, I want to cancel our... fourth line we have my me my wife and my daughter all in the same thing but we have a fourth phone i don't know where it is uh so i go i want to cancel that fourth line and then they go go about this and they give me five lines and your bill goes down yeah so i yeah i have five numbers but now i have

two phones so i can you know verizon just emailed me the other day like do you want a second phone number for your phone and i was like what kind of fucking asshole does that and then i was like Like, well, if you're dating, I guess that does make sense. You know, I don't use the phone number I have. So I don't need a fucking second one. It seems ridiculous to me. Andy's using the burner phone, which they use to, like, put Instagram shit up is what they say. But then he shared something.

It opens the floodgate of sharing everything. So all of a sudden, he's on my fucking burner phone. He's like, like pictures of his life. for coming up on my phone squirrel pictures and shit everything's connected yeah it's like what the fuck is going on like i was totally losing it like no man my phone touched it i don't even it's like i fucking i got in the fucking a red car i got in the red car and bingo's fucking phone is hooked up to my car i'm like how is his and she goes well i just figured out how to send it up on my car and they're both fucking hundays so i've cars are connected

Yeah, I honestly, there's no other way Because that's good The fact that she figured that out on her own For her own car for the first time And then all of a sudden it's hooked up to mine too No, it's not a miracle Do the research The machines it's but yeah

That definitely freaked me out when I started seeing Memories of my life on Doug's fault It's like, what the fuck you weirdo? How dare you? Speaking of weirdo, they also fucking Not only they use it for Instagram, but they have a Burger King app. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like they phone it ahead. They don't want to sweat the line. They phone ahead or they get prizes. Wait until you get into their only fans account. With their paper crowns on. I think they had chilies on there. There was another embarrassing one. Yeah, it's chili.

I went to Applebee's yesterday after I went to had my whole fiasca. at the DMV, I was like, I got to drink more than this. And I had to eat anything, so I'd still go to Applebee's and then you can eat. That fucking Applebee's horrible. Oh, my God. Every single time. I didn't know they still had Applebee. Every single fucking time it's bad. And I know it. It's just

did we cover the Cracker Barrel incident? I don't even know about a Cracker Barrel incident. Oh, Doug Doug got shorted his breakfast and he's always he always, the generous tipper, over tipper in every situation. But we walked out a cracker barrel without tipping them,

and I tried to steal something, but it fell hard. Oh, wait, hang on. I vaguely remember this. Well, you didn't get your, you wanted your egg and your thing, and they didn't bring your, they never brought your toast. Yeah, and that's the whole fucking point of the breakfast. It's a fucking, I put the egg on the bacon on the toast and make them my nice little sandwich. And they brought, they never brought his toast, and he brought it up.

And then she goes And then at some point She brought me biscuits And I'd never I'd never fucking ordered biscuits I've never been to You know That's not something I would say

Like the every cracker barrow It is a fucking screaming child vest of fucking Do you think it's because you guys are gay And they didn't approve of that They're like just fuck their order They refuse to serve Give him his toast

And give him biscuits He didn't even want those bags We order chicks sand Which is a chick fill And they said Bill Fuck yourselves Furnes So we fucked ourselves

And had chicken sandwich which is it can pick you, thank you. Yeah, I don't even remember where that was. That was, I don't know, but it was, when you walk in and it was like every table was a bunch of old people shouting, shouting, shouting, to hear each other. But where was that in? Because it would have been Chicago.

Fuck, Bill, we must have been by an airport. I mean, it was the only choice we had. I love that it's such a whirlwind that neither one of you remember. It's like, it's one of those breakfasts. Fuck, I don't know. I have them all over. But when you go to a cracker. We didn't have a car.

Yeah. The only time you go to Cracker Barrel is when you're, it's on an exit, a highway exit. Yeah. I can't imagine where we would have been where it was a Cracker Barrow walking distance. I remember where, well, there was a hooters in walking distance and I went there a couple of times. And it was fucking gross for reasons I didn't expect. Just like a filthy couple. Yeah, we talk about shit to the, yeah.

Yeah, but a cracker barrel was in the same. We had, there was no other place to walk to or we would not have done the cracker barrel. I can't, I can't even believe we were in one. We're that age where you just find yourself in the middle of a cracker barrel. And no, you don't remember it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's not like it was a blackout drunk. I was breakfast.

I was really tired and in a bright light. And then I woke up and I'm in the middle of this thing and I'm getting 15. percent up because I'm 60. Cracker barrels out there, roofy and old guys. Maybe there's an ice that just goes around gas and old people and putting them in cracker barrels. I hate this franchise. No, you don't.

You love it by. I love it here. They got them big chairs out front. I think you're talking about you've reached a certain age. I realized when I had to be in public the last few weeks more than normal. And I was like, I, why am I all of a sudden calling everybody boss? Is this the age thing? Thanks boss.

Hey, we're not, thanks boss. Every time I have to interact with another person, I don't call them boss. Ever since August 19th, I've been calling everybody young and. You youngans. I asked who's this morning at Safeway. I go, at what age do you just start talking to yourself in Safeway? because I've never more than any place I've ever been regularly

Safeway. Just people shamelessly talk to themselves like, oh, yeah, well, I don't think the cat likes that. Oh, they won't care if I, here's my grandma at Safeway and she was a deaf lady. So she would, you could hear it three or four rows away and she'd go, oh, they won't care if I just take a sample and I'd go running up, you know, taking Brax candies

and opening up several and putting, a few in her purse. She had just fucking shamelessly shoplifting, talking about other people in the store. Oh, that old woman or, you know,

it's like just, shut the fuck up. She had dyed red hair and cancels and a big fatty. So I was like, don't start a fucking fight. You can't win,

Grandma. That's what my, this was on issues, but my grandma one time, my family, it was an embarrassment. My old man would never get out of the car

because he'd in a wheelchair. and nobody wants to be seen with a wheelchair in public. But he got out one day. We went into the bond and my mom's heel caught on whatever and she fell over. So we got a wheelchair, an old loud woman, and my mom just toppled over. And then inside the store, there's Wildlife Safari, has get your picture taken with a tiger. And I think I was sitting early in high school. I just bolted away from my family.

you know my mom fell down my dad's like oh what a clumsy you know saying shit and then my grandma was always embarrassing so then i disappear walk up the mall and then i i come back like maybe five minutes later something like that and uh and my dad's sit in this chair and my mom's uh there and i go where's grandma and my dad goes well she got mulled by the tiger and uh and like she's She had time to even get there is amazing. She somehow got up there for a photo, probably just squeezed in, sat down, and started calling for me for a photo.

And I'd taken off because I was embarrassed of them. And her calling for me got the tiger, pierced her fucking papery skin. It's not fucking Santa, it's a tiger. No, she woke the tiger at Clotter. And I go, and my, dad goes she just got mauled by a tiger he's pretty funny that way but he he was kind of sheepishly and i go and i go where is she and he goes we'll follow the blood trail and then i was like oh

fuck there's a blood trail going all the way down to the back of the store and there's my grandma loudly going don't worry i won't sue they're like oh fuck you got here a second one another uh in the andres lineage where he could have cleaned up and never had to work another day in your life. No shit. He doesn't work another day in his life anyway. It would have been a lot easier. But on the upside, we did

get eight passes to go drive through wildlife safari out of it. And that target got put down. Sorry, I couldn't have been there. Is there a pen around? Yeah,

it's called a vaping pen. And Hiffy's used to get a lift out. Well, there was one right there. Oh, thanks. That's the one I brought. Never work another day. That is a work of the fifth about my social, sir. Never have to work another day in my life.

Yeah, yeah. Don't know. Oh, man, yeah. Eric, Kenny, at fucking. Andy says today, he's like, How many nice to get Trump out to deport before Kenny can get some work? The laws. Yeah, yeah, no.

It's going to be a, it won't be any left. That's some days I have, if there's a, when I start getting irrationally angry about all the stuff, I'm about to go to jail, and that's, I'll remember there's a line Harvey Keitel had in the, the movie, The Vampires, from Dust Till Dawn. Are you so fucking stupid you can't realize when you've, One. Why are you going to go to judge? Just go home.

It's like jail, but better. Nobody at all there. I did, oh, yeah, fucking ass cushions. I got that. I mean, it should be. I did. Those waffle cushions that we fucking used for Ukraine, the inflatable ass cushions,

they were, fucking $4.94 on Amazon. So I got 10 of them so I can hand out all eight people on the bus, get a free ass cushion for the ride. Oh, man. Because you might, you might come to me. And we could sign them and sell them as merch. Yeah, and compared to the Tucson show, a bus can't. Yeah, have you made sure all evidence of that show got burned?

Yeah, no shit. I don't realize how drunk it was. So I watched the last podcast that went up, And I went, oh, wow, we were drinking at the pool of podcasting at 3 o'clock in the afternoon for a 7 o'clock show. But it was one of those shows where you want to address the elephant in the room that this fucking room is, fuck. It's called the rock. And it's a rock and roll, like, heavy metal kind of club. And I pushed these, like, horrific fucking metal bar stools down on the floor to make seating.

but what it's usually a bloody, toothless mosh pit. Or, as Butter said, I've never been in this place so fully dressed. So they have gay underwear parties at Butter's... Oh, that's right. He was saying. So it's not just a rock and roll, it's also a cock and go. And it's only... We only sold 80 tickets. I mean, I think you could have...

It's one of those where their capacity is, well, how many chairs do we actually own? because we don't usually use them. So I cut it at 80. We could have put more people and there would just be more people. Less oxygen. Sorry that it made you come out to that place. And you want to go on stage and go,

wow, this fucking sucks and address it. But the point is I sought out that gig. Like, we came to them. They opened on a Monday that they weren't anyway. So I couldn't take the piss out of the club. There was no Hennigan sitting in the back booth. You're fucking, are you kidding? Yeah, there's no way.

to blame. Usually he'd find these places, but now Widdles found that. Imagine being a partner in this and not having, I can't go to you and go, God damn the book or something. They have a weekly show there for fucking local comics. Like a weekly

Mike. And they have to do that with fucking four people. Right. That was someone else's friends. But what made it, though, there was just not a lot of oxygen in that space. Everybody's wedged in and it was hot as fucking there was one big fan directed at the bartender giant industrial fan yeah the one fan

it's a hundred and nine it's you guys are making me feel less bad about telling you i'm not going to show up and then and then at some point where we're doing merch right across from that i turned the fan to us and he goes oh yeah help yourself but kind of snye you know and don't usually they don't like wind. Can you tell me why it was so twat-heavy? Oh, yeah. Well, that was like half women. Would you never see it as stand-off?

For fucking real. It really, it was heavy. It was so. I have a pander piece. They aren't cheerleaders. I have a pander piece about women and having sympathy for women because they're bleeding or whatever. And that was the biggest reason. It was like, wait, there's way too many women in here.

Because that's, that's just. That's funny because, and one day we'll get me watching Andy on a monitor when he's on stage, what I'm going to follow, and I just meet, and I, every time you do that fucking bit, I'm going, I y'all pandering to a green room of no one listening. Pandering! One day you're going to get a full, just my director's commentary of your set live in action. And I'll watch it. And it won't make any difference.

Oh, you know what? No, no. My imperfections are my perfection. I don't have the plaza. I don't remember the green room is just kind of like a half of it. It's like part of the stage. Yeah. I don't know if they're on and off the back.

Yeah. I've never seen them. I sent him my rider. I haven't heard back. I wanted that scooter. Maybe we can get that. Well, bingo will be on the road a bunch. So we'll get it with that little.

camera on the road. I want to fuck with it in Vegas. Bingo, you, uh, you, uh, well, since, since you started working the merch, I watched it at different, so I was at a Billy Strings concert and, uh, I got a hat, this guy, but he, he was, uh, he was like you, he was friendly and then he was up, he was going, and you're going to get a hat with no shirt? Uh, and, uh, you've seen the stickers and shit? Wait, Billy Strings, you saw him at the same place, Arena? So, yeah, Matthew Knight Arena, basketball. And he's selling his own merch? No, Billy Strings wasn't. No, well, he's... Oh, the merch person?

Watching the Merge people. No, Billy, yeah, no, no. I thought you were saying Billy Strings, he's going, no, no, Billy Strings, he came out and he came out and posed for 70,000 selfies with people, or whatever. Yeah, that's pretty neat. Smiley Strings, did you, you're on hallucinogens at all? No, I was with my daughter. who I found out she was pregnant before that, and we were up in upper seat.

So I was like, you know what? You want to go? I was like, you want to go early and let them, you know, out early and shit? Because I was like, I don't want her to have to hold gear, you know. How pretty is she? It's due in March, so I don't know. I haven't done it. Oh, so there's time.

Yeah. It's the legal. Talker to that one. Yeah, she's happy about it. So I don't, I don't think I would present that. As people have said, I'm negative already. Everybody's got their price You can talk to her, Stanhope

You look at it this way, Andy Your daughter married a successful guy And she's, you know, have a life together And my son, they didn't even have a goddamn car And they decided to have a baby I'm like, you think you decided to get a car Before you fucking decide to have a baby Or did they just talk?

Well, one of them decided to have a baby And my son's too dumb to prevent it Oh man, yeah Wow. My wife tries to blame it on the one side or the other. Not really, but, you know. You can't teach your kids or grandkids to, you know, pull out and check off five times. When you come, make sure they're not.

I feel like the biggest disappointment of all because I really, that was my one accomplishment that I always thought I did as a parent, because I really brainwashed the shit out of them about not needing to create new people. you know having oh man yeah fools game and life so much easier if you just do it by yourself and it's not even that easy then so don't fuck it up and complicate it and then you know once they start spitting out kids i'm like i'm the failure i had they failed i i did this big monologue once in front of my daughter about this family it was just jamming a whole aisle they were Hispanic but that was beside the point my point was like oh sure it just now it's the point

Now, yeah, well, now it seems like racist rant or whatever, but I didn't say it was Mexicans. I was, sure, it's just, you know, and my daughter thinks I have negative because of things like that. I don't even know where it lives. Maybe you guys remember it was about sharing a shuttle bus with a hotel shuttle. And they're taking me to the comedy club that's in a mall and the other older couple behind me are going to wherever else in the mall. and the shuttle driver says oh so you're the comedian and then of course that starts it

he's a comedian you should go see him and I'm like they're not you wouldn't it's not your thing and I forget how that bit winds up it's a very funny bit but like there was a black couple and I caught myself saying that like when I was retelling the store

they did actually come to the show and because I made the show about them that once you attach their ego and I forget the point of the bit but what I said as a black couple people just expected it to go in a direction and so once I just made it an old couple older couple

as the the bit had nothing to do with their race yeah yeah yes no they weren't gonna like you no matter what color they were yeah unless I attack their ego and that knows no racial boundaries the ego So that's how when I was young enough, what he did you? I know nussie.

I missed it too. Yeah. Oh, I thought that was legit. I think your vagina fell out her bow hole again, or whatever was having it. I play Reno as a... as unknown when they had a comedy club there and all the fucking blue hairs

had come in with walkers and stuff because they got free tickets from slot attempted and so I would just go right out and I go yeah hey you know I know that it says triple X rated blah blah blah the manager came to me tonight and said hey you're gonna tone it down tonight

because there's a bunch of old people out there. How? Like, what? Like, my generation, don't do a bunch of blow job jokes. Like, my generation invented the blow job. You'd have no idea what I'm talking about. They're like, oh, yeah, just get them right on board.

Fuck this manager who doesn't exist. There had to be a fun time in your career, I guess. Way better. Fuck you're way better. All they expected was comedy night. and they had a coupon i don't know there was a it was a casino that had a comedy room in it i think with pasco washington and there was a moose like marty moose in front it's called some of something moose room but uh the one i was a three-nighter but a second night i figured out well the whole

audience was Hispanic nobody could nobody and i said can anyone understand what i'm saying clap no and then i but and so when the server would leave that was the only employee in the room and And when she would leave, I'd go, porpo, four, but get aluminum foil, get pizza to go. Before before? Why should I say port before? Porpore pizza, aluminum foil. You're like that. Spanish, you know?

No, I mean, I know it ain't Spanish, but I was like just, however, just I was trying to expedite them to take their pizza to go. I know you're all here for free pizzas. Get 100. But those would be the fun tapes to watch is like that. And then I went out and punched the moose in the face. I think doing something just for the fun of it Like that like the other day yesterday I think When I was in town

When I was over at Applebeast And I had like my third giant beer And I thought What if I just started a hobby where like I just hit on women like just so they felt better Like I don't want to hook up with you And I'm like you're like not Like just because when you had to do it

You didn't have the confidence to do it When you needed to do it Well, now I don't need the confidence. I have all the confidence in the world because I don't want to bang you. I just want to fucking make you, you know, just spread some joy in the world. Is your pussy as dry as your skin?

I don't think my wife would have proved with that idea, but it could be a hobby. Is your carpet shag too? It could be a YouTuber doing that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I just found that cart shamer. A guy goes around. Returned valor.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was my gig Fuck someone Uglier than you That was an old bit Oh man, I remember that Yeah

I just oh yeah That's on that Thing you put up They just put up They found a A gig from Tacoma Not Tacoma Olympia maybe

What was that Anyway It's you'd recognize it Do you know where it's It was to film up, the underground place, dance club uptown. Right, right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck you are. For 2001, it looks like you had black hair. It's like really dark hair. No, no, I think it's just a quality of the video. Okay. He was just that young. He forgot what he looked like when he was young. That was, that gig, I was doing that gig.

I was, I forget even who, who, who, who, was before me, but I alienated the crowd. There's this lady up to the front yapping her, kind of in the middle. And then, or no, she was up upstairs, and there was a dude. Anyway, I said, call her a cunt. And then her boyfriend starts chiming in. They're not sitting together. And then this dude, he was a military ex or whatever.

He spent the evening trying to get me in a place where he could beat my ass. and I'm pretty good at catching things out of the corner of my eyes. And I put a craft hammer. Bingo will be familiar with not quite a hammer, but a craft hammer. It's like a knife hammer. Like a shank hammer. I had that in my pants waiting for this guy to get me cornered and to swing away. How did you, let's not gloss over, where did you get a craft hammer on short notice?

I was hiding in every crevice of the clubs. So this guy was out here. I would go back into the kitchen. But where did the hammer come from? It was in an office on the shelf. You didn't bring it with you. No, no. I love it of Andy pulled a craft hammer out of his shoe, but it's my shoe hammer.

Just a minute. I'm actually tacked the soles on my shoes with it, and then it could have been in the heel. You don't keep your shoe hammer in your shoe, you fucking asshole? It's like the fall guy. When I'm not doing comedy, I do a little shoe repair. I'm also like a comedian. Cobbler. No, not the dessert.

I pick shoes, man. I'll make dessert. Fuck it. Give me some, give me some stuff. I'll be it. Quit giving me blackberries. And I'm a shooting bag. But I can't this guy was fucking out for it.

And I even mentioned that I was mentioned Oregon in my act. Anyway, it happened to snow that night. So I finally got out of door. This guy was over here. Take off to my car. footprints in the sand like are in the snow to my car and and I also puked because I was prepared for the fight by taking pain you know getting a little liquor like they do in the West

and they go they're gonna cut a limb off give me a little whiskey so if this guy's gonna assault me I wanted to be fucked up but I was too fucked up but I got to my car and I was ready to get to safety you know track my car wouldn't start I left the light on and the thing so So basically this guy's stalking me. I get to my car with the claw hammer and now I left a trail to my car and I can't go anywhere. So I honed her down for the night and fortunately he was an army not Marine or he would have found me in Cambridge. It was very obvious, you know.

There's some footprints. Or he was way less dedicated to the fight than you would. He was pretty mad. Yeah, I've had people threaten me and people, you know, want to take a shot at him. me but this guy was doing all the fun he was corn i mean i got cornered like three or four times but just a little squirt room where i could shove a fatty in front of him and wedge over doing that corner i would love to watch you piss more people off when we were at florida i got to see that guy so mad he wanted to fight everybody it wasn't even just you he wanted to fight everybody

because of you yeah and his lady walked into the greener Daytona beach but the lady is the cunt that I I think so they got it was a couple that he he was mouthy during the show got evicted the Figgler jumped up to take

you know I was waiting for you on limb the guy but Figgler walked him out then the lady goes Never go to jail if there's another guy Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah so she comes into the green room and she goes you're just here by yourself huh

And I go bitch I'll fucking punch you in your face And she walked out the door. I do remember being into the middle of it to the extent that at one point the guy and I just remember he was kind of a small guy with a big fucking run

his mouth and he had a cross of gold cross. And the only details I remember but the other detail I remember is he was standing right at the top of the stairs and I was like well that's just fucking the dumbest place to sit and talk shit. So all I got to do is just kick him once in the chest

and just fucking knock him down the stairs. Their walkout was, and this was cool because they did. They dropped Jesus Earth. I knew there were Jesus people. The cross was one of the clues, but there was others. And a very openly yay night manager got to tell him, you cannot go back into that comedy room. In fact, we're going to call the police.

And you're not allowed to leave your hotel room tonight. You're under house arrest. This is not the manager you were looking for. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah yeah oh man oh yeah they didn't know how to they thought yeah if he it would yeah he could it was like it's like he said about the black cut you know you can't say anything at that point you're already in deep can't let loose with you're okay I'm arrested I'm just

now I'm realizing I'm fucking high from second hand or did you yeah oh my well then I should just just light up another one of your interview I'll start a coffee I can't smoke. That's how I quit smoking for a week. And you cleared up right away once there was no more smoke. You were back to normal. I quit for three days, solid. Then night four, I had a couple of drinks and I go, I don't just, I just trying to inhale.

I was coughing like that. I still managed to smoke a handful of cigarettes. Does it feel weird to have aged out of smoking? I don't know. You know what I was saying? I remember what and I'd work with Doug years ago and I'd get home and I had clean laundry had opened the suitcase and it was like oh man everything smelled like cigarettes I have to rewash everything and and I thought someday he's going to regret this someday people would

buy merch and my mother was shipping stuff her covered it yeah he said cat hair smelling a cigarette most people enjoyed that It's authentic. Note the card. There's a little semen and blood on it. Anyway, I was just looking around stuff. And we did rush you this morning. Thank you for doing this early because we didn't want to.

Yeah, yeah, we're always, again, we're at an age where it's like, let's just bang this out early so we can go to bed at three in the afternoon to get out. But I was saying about, like, what if we just auction off? Because we get the eBay thing going, oh, yeah, the fucking racist shit. Well, you know, that was our last, whatever. podcast that went out. Hey, coming up on eBay

Yards help. Hey, this jacket, we'll put this jacket out. Biggill, you want to put that coin up? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. So, yeah, this is a beautiful,

this is a, what would you call it? It's a, maybe a merlo. No, it's a burgundy wine. It's a wine color. Let's say wine. I call it wine. I'll say Merlo.

Bingo found this. She's just, or not? No. Okay. I don't think we do. It's not appropriate. Actually, you know what?

Let's like, because that's a, I don't want to do a bum. I don't want to. Oh, no. He's gone. No bumps for me today. Yeah, we'll save that for another thing. It's a good story for later. Yeah.

Okay. Anyway, I was thinking maybe we could just auction off something from this set until it's no longer here. And then we stop the podcast. Anybody want to buy some reefer? go to it I realize we're out of booze Oh we did have the champagne that we never got to

But there's some vodka and there's Yeah there's a vodka and nothing Oh wait there's a fucking long drinks Yeah Yeah Woohoo check the free It's not Those are on sale

If you like the long drinks They're actually on sale Now $4.97 cents a six pack I'm told the odds on him Limit four. That is. I know it's unethical, but... Yeah, you can't...

Is that because of a freebie or this just gets knocked? Yeah, yeah. Not. Yeah, well, we'll talk. This is our first, we've seen the set. I love it. Yeah, yeah, it's very Australian. I feel like I'm in the Outback.

They got a wombat, stuff wombat in the corner. Never seen one of those up close? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think Andy doesn't fucking inhale. You proposed this theory on a drunken phone call to me now that you bring it up. And that's why it was immediately fucking smoking. It was the same phone call that they called me and said they were considering jerking off together to the Golden Girls. That was.

It is a lot. And I said, you guys, I don't want to have to flip through and find the fucking Golden Girls. But they said they just needed me to be. on the phone and oddly I don't remember this we were I'm telling it

was I assumed you it started basically the ginger Marianne debate over golden girls and it escalated from there but Rue Rue

no no B Arthur is a lot more attractive with me as an older man and I remember as a yeah I thought she looked like a dude and now

like hey that dude's kind of hot How does it feel to know that all of the golden girls were younger than you at that time? That could be true. That is true. Yeah. They were super young. She was like younger than some of the other ones. No, she was the youngest one.

Yeah, we got to look it up because I read this and I even double checked it because that can't be true. Yeah. Because I've been looking into conspiracy theory so that I have nothing else to talk to chat and GPT about. The other day, I said, hey, how many? gallons of water flow through Niagara Falls all the time. Like that, it's like 350 million gallons. Where the fuck does that water come from?

How come there's not been conspiracy theories about this? I don't understand where all that water's coming from. Apparently, it just comes from one of the great legs. I don't know that much about geography. I got to, I don't know. I can't recite the two facts, but Derek hit me with two. This is,

we get the sixth, fewer days of cloud cover than maybe he has chapsed you give me something interesting to say well I get this honorable book it's

there's something about the book of ignorance general ignorance something book of general ignorance it's just like silly shit you know and here's another fact you know all that water they're telling you to drink

you don't really need to drink that much water. The huddle in football comes from a deaf school that played football and all the other football teams would call out their plays and they would use sign language, which was

fine and advantage until they played another deaf school and then they're like, oh fuck, so that's when they created the huddle to hide the fucking ASL and that stuck in football for the rest of those. Was this run by James Inman? I'm proposing.

It doesn't sound real. The point is... I'm proposing a segment where Derek re... Does, it tells exactly the same kind... And then in one team, they did it in Turbiddle. Well, I told Derek on that drive to the airport. Like, the facts of life with Derek. Like, you want to have this, like, ready for it.

Anytime you have to pick someone up at the airport, rather than you say just dumb shit, just put this book on tape on. So they don't have to respond or act like they're interested. Yes, I've been doing well, thank you. The biggest tree in Arizona is actually... A rose book. He's kind of, he was kind of Cliff Clavin asked.

But I did, I go, man, it's nice to have a little cloud cover. And he goes, we only get 23 days a year on cloud cover. It's really like, what? I can't, you know, I mean, I won, I wouldn't spend the time fact checking it. But how do you know? And why is that coming, you know? But how smart are you underneath this mask of dumb? well maybe Derek has a weather station like I have now

and I might have to get with that. I was up and I actually remembered this morning for an old man. And I skipped it. Yep. Yeah. I skipped. Well, you guys was asleep already when you texted me last night. But then I woke up at midnight and saw your text.

And so I'm like, oh, whenever I get up for wordal in the morning, I'll tell them, you know, yes. You know, I definitely hope. That's a, you know, who's, but I like to get on there. No one that beeps everybody or their phones on. It's like that early. If I'm up at 3.30, I like to get the whirl in because I know it'll beep and somebody will be got, the fuck.

Yeah, I saw it. Andy texted me at fucking 4.10 in the morning. I'm wide awake and staring at a blank TV or dark TV. And I, this is like five something. I'm like, well, you want to go to breakfast? And then I had to ask him on his other phone. Have you whirdled yet? Do you want to go to breakfast?

He's not answering any of his phones. Then text me back around six something. He texts me something. From the... And then I responded and... Oh, yeah, yeah. And immediately, and he doesn't respond. You have two phones.

You have two phones. You have two phones. Are you all talking to him? Yeah, but he's texting me and then doesn't respond when I text back. So then at 7 o'clock something, he fucking... I said, you want to go to breakfast? And he said... and then he left i heard him fucking leave the the house and uh then he texts me yeah i just ordered the oatmeal down here as a warm peace cafe like i asked you if you want to go out for

breakfast before you left yeah i heard you fucking leave i heard the door shut pick up and your phone in you got two you got two phones so that you can be twice as antisocial i get it I have 15 radios at my house so I can talk to nobody at all. I better ditch this one and head out. My daughter sent me a couple of messages because after I got chewed out in the car, I went down to the beach to just hang out. And then she started sending messages like, are you just going to whatever?

And then when I got back, she was kind of mad. And I said, I got to charge my phone that went dead. But I realized also, but I was just a straight up liar, that would have been the great way to cover that I hadn't seen her message. you know i have seen your message it's like just disregarded them i think if people drank and smoked along with this podcast it would grow like yeah all right that's just like when you sit down at the bar when you just get off or and it's going to be about 45 minutes before you're actually enjoying your friends remember that guy remember that guy who played well

it's just this thing we did on the man show and i don't even remember but But we had a guy who was dressed like Hitler. Oh, yeah, Blank Patch. Yeah. That's a memory of a photograph. Yeah, yeah, there's a photograph. We wrote in that. I have no memory of that event.

I don't know what it's from. Oh, yeah. We wrote in that. There's a picture of Rogan and Hitler way before it was a thing. I was just thinking that'd be fun to, you could just have straight up Hitler. the guy as Hitler as a guest. The only reason we have Hitler on today is for clicks. We're just trying to increase our likes.

We're actually Hitler. We're not going to talk about anything Hitler doesn't want to talk about. We're just going to talk about how good the Roons are. How did Rogan get tricked into having explained himself for saying the N-word out of context multiple times and nobody's ever brought up and he's been photographed with Hitler? Nobody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's because the government's been trying to shut down my files for years.

And I can't figure out. Yeah, me and Doug shared photos at the end of the end. And that kind of was my main job. I had no idea what the Hitler thing was. I don't know. I can barely remember. I remember the midget chasing the priest, but I don't remember the setup.

And I just remember trash in the car late at night. The two of us fucking drunk beating the shit. I don't remember that. Knowing all these stories that I've heard Andy tell about this, which I would sometimes like to just do a series where we only talk about that because I would love to hear all of your sides of the different stories that Andy still said

I don't know a lot about all of them. I've got so many pictures too because I had one of those. See, we can go through all the pictures. We've got to do a special where I listen. Because I've not, I did not know that that man show existed until I started hanging out with you

and you would have made the joke about the guy who ruined the man show. And I was like, no, those other two guys I had no idea that the one with you and Joe Rogan ever existed so I've not seen one single thing so I would like to hear all of your guys

backstories and then go watch all I would have to see the pictures and I'm sure that that one were just like from a desktop the base monitor that's where I bet there's a fucking billion pictures in there

that's my oldest computer yeah that's that's a like Yeah, I won't mind. How old is that? Yeah, it might have been a Freudian slip right there. That's so perfect. What do you think? Blow that computer.

No, I could... 2000. Fuck you, really. That's crazy. That's kind of why. I took tons of pictures of everything that went on. You know, people thought I was busy. I was working.

Doug would send me around to get pictures of employees. We had star of the day. We just made up an award. up in a word to hand out to some and sing to them. So people eventually wanted to be Star of the Day, even though it was a meaningless. But I'd go take pictures of staff and go, I don't want to ruin anything, but we're just collecting, you know.

People that didn't like us started biking us because we were like they could be Star of the Day. That's all from a show called Star of the Day that was public access kind of shit from when I was a kid. And Sarah Silverman was on it as a little kid saying, Tomorrow, tomorrow. Really? But yeah, that's where this song we sang to them.

Star of the day. Who will it be? Your vote may hold the key. It's up to you. Tell us who will be star of the day. Yeah. Oh, we do that with a bullhorn. Look at that former star of the day.

Walking crowd. Right there, Jason. Yeah. He's a PA. walks with pride walks with purpose you could be star of the day too let's stepping up around here i'm gonna find some friends this was one day on the on the man show there would like it was like employees who'd work together i don't know it felt you know that they would have somebody's birthday there would be a party and a cake party and we everybody'd have to get together and we didn't know

anybody and go oh minute so i got a food truck guy to come up and we ordered a cake that said happy birthday Dana and Dana or the food truck guy come in and we had hey everybody

we're going to gather for Dana's birthday and people come in same thing they didn't know who Dana

was and dad goes who works harder around here than Dana nobody

he's just the guy down into the food truck no we did shit like that to keep ourselves maybe at some point

you just gave up on the show but you didn't give up on the show Yeah, yeah. And the show is life.

I liked that you guys didn't. You guys were young. Like, I took life more seriously, I think, when I was young. And I wish I could have been where young and not gave a fuck. Like, you might as must have thought you were going to die pretty soon. Yeah, but then are you happy to have it now? Now I've become like this serious fucking glum. Take everything seriously.

Thank God for Mark Maren. And you're going, oh, Doug Stan helped the old commudgeon. You're saying that once you don't take anything seriously at the end, taking it seriously is all that's left? Well, it's not that I take it seriously. I just don't have the ambition for the fun. Like that whole, you know, hey, how do we fuck with this situation? Well, yeah, I would hope not.

You're a fucking old man. Like the bus. Taking the bus to Vegas, which you can't find that inherently fun. Like, I don't forget why it's funny to take the bus, because it's a bus, and who takes a bus? We'll see how many people Google, an Amtrak, but it's smart, you jumped on it right away, because as soon as you say, you go, I don't have to drive, I'm on the bus. Yeah, what's true? Yeah, except for being able to stop and eat where you want, so we're going to have to give up Arby's for nine and a half hours. Other than that, we don't have to drive, and we don't have to park, we don't have to sit and try.

traffic. We just fucking put our awful ass cushions down, our eye masks on. Right, our empty bus to dead Vegas and sit on our ass cushions. No fucking lies. All the hookers come to you. You can just stand there and I'll fucking all

walk by and go out of me, Daddy. Once in a while when I talk to chat GPT, I'll believe something that it says and I knew that I should but it'll say it's a good con man chat gp t and i and i it's the same thing when stanell told me there's a double-decker bus from fucking here to the Vegas i should have been like that doesn't sound reasonable at all that doesn't sound like a fucking thing that exists chat gpt i think you just

fucking invented that yeah it was that well i i see where i walked up when i went back to their websites you go why did i have that in my head it's on those available seating and shows you pictures. And there's the, like, table seat. We're like four on four, you know, two on two, a four top. Oh, no. Oh, no. There's the bus we wish we could buy. Right.

Yeah, so I'm looking at that. We bought the old shuttle hotel show. I'm thinking for their purposes, for camera purposes, maybe a table would be cooking right next to it. I saw that's available on our double-decker buses. Well, I think you're drinking. So I'm thinking, and the picture. picture they show of the panoramic view

is from a double-decker bus so I'd seen the word double-decker I see a picture that's on fucking what world does panoramic view means you get to sit behind the driver though this is flicks plus

bus he is set down a bit so there'll be some it doesn't matter when I start farting his head's gonna be down at the low level is that one Is there a toilet?

Yeah, it's a toilet. No, no toilets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just heading Phillips. We're going to put this change in our hands. Oh, yeah. We can say technically, yes, we hired a tour bus. Yeah.

We just allowed it to be open to the general public. We're going to be this. I mean, we're paid for it. Was it? I forget it. I did some promotion for a tour. Was it the Rouse? It might have been the Rouse.

and the junior one, but I implied that Randy Quaid was going to be the bus driver. And I kept mentioning, you know, and then there was a fair amount of people that thought Randy Quaid was going to drive. Well, because there was a time when you and Randy Quaid were pretty tied on Twitter. Yeah, me and Randy Quaid had Twitter exchanges. And then one of them I said, I'm sitting with my famous friend, Don't Stanhope, and he said, I've never heard of him. There was some fun back and forth

with Randy Quaid for a minute But then things got political And Twitter's never rebounded Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, it was one of the great Is you anything fun online? I'm talking to you there I really feel a complete

disconnect since Twitter went tits up Instagram's not They're not communicating You're just showing each other fucking pictures That one I'll tell you my new one but I'm ashamed of it. Chumpster. So, um, stumpster.

Since I get into these radios, there's a big thing like, you can get Chinese radios pretty cheap. Oh, no. And then you can hack them and I can make Morse code on a little handheld. There's just all these little radio projects. Sex trafficking Chinese. So I got the Ali Express app. And it's really fun.

ALI. A-L-I. It's just straight. shit from China and it's there's crazy it's like a weird yard sale and then it's like you can check in every day and you earn

points that fucking you get that'll go towards your next order so now I think I have like four bucks already because it's like here you can get some coins if you look at these items well I already want to look at those weird items I was I was talking about like social medias like where you go hey

Reddit as great for a bunch things. No, it's the same douchebags on different platforms. You're not going to find fun with other people. Yeah, for answering questions. Like, it's great for like, no bullshit. In Twitter, you used to be able to, you could throw something out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that you could maybe get a response from a fucking Pan Oswald or something. Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he felt like there's some community. The early days of it, I made a comment about Lance Armstrong, and Eric Eiddle responded.

And he basically said, I've been to Lance's house And I've seen seven jerseys on his wall And my reply was, I saw you get ran over by the Griswold's On European vacation, but I don't think that's re And then it was fucking it was actually Eric Idol I was like, what the fuck out of there? I don't I don't know how he just found a comment about Lance Armstrong and he jumped on it because he was friends

with Lance Armstrong. Like, what the fuck? Don't know. That's your heroes. Well, I mean, shit. That was good. Yeah, it was my, that was up until when Randy Quaid, I jumped into a feud he had with some other, some other,

burnout or whatever they were, and then I made jokes about him. He was a guy who wrote a song like Pena Collada, but only one. Yeah. And then Randy Quaid hates his guts from something that happened in the 80s. So I made jokes back and forth in that one. And then that day, I saw Randy Quaid is following you. And I was like, holy shit. Randy Quaid.

And then it was like, later it was like, oh, fuck, I got to block Randy Quaid. That's the same. Andy, I had Tommy Chong followed me. Lofa just one of my random fucking tweet. Well, I know what it was. It was I deleted Facebook is the new I'm vegan. What's the joke that I tweeted? and Tommy Chung retweeted and I'm like,

holy fuck Tommy Chong retweeted my tweet and then he followed me and then about three weeks later I was like I can't believe I have to mute Tommy Chong this is fucking horrible man I don't like this machine This is actually my Twitter high was I commented a little bit on Heather Thomas's stuff

and she retweeted and then Heather Thomas followed me I'm like man I used to look at her vagina every morning on my wall on her pulled up swimsuit and now she's following me i'm not even very excited that's pretty yeah yeah i thought i had tommy chong was pretty pinnacle yeah yeah we all love tommy chong but we didn't necessarily masturbate in front of a poster of tommy chong that would make you more than a podhead that would have made you an affirmative yes

on that if you had a question yes listen if they had that Tommy Chong poster I never hit it with my dart but I definitely hit that Heather Thomas poster with my dart more than once I mean I I think probably I had no I had the fair fuss oh yeah I had fair too I was pretty good I had a lot of cocaine mirrors before I knew that's what they were I think it doesn't count affairs yeah Yeah. Yeah. That's what you'd win.

You'd get the Motley crew cocaine mirrors. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I didn't know that's what it was. Yeah, that was in my car. I knew. I did know what the roach clips were for. And use those at an early age, but I did not know what the cocaine was. Yeah, you get your Jack Daniels, Coke, snort, mirror, and they get the overstuffed thing,

and your wife's going to bleed on every Super Bowl Sunday, because you thought the ratings were going to cover the spread. I might bring that back for the ambianserous and friends. I want to do the Deer Park. Deer Park was this place where I took my, I went as in middle school and you get cones of food to feed the animals. Anyway, big billboards and I thought, we'll take a break. And I took Delaney there as a toddler.

And we got the cones. She was like in seventh grade, the memories of that and feeding the animals. But these were like really aggressive fucking goats and deer. and delaney got knocked into shit and mud and the deer was pounding on her and and uh anyway this one go was working its way on me trying to nab onto my fucking you know just trying to get my attention biting me and shit so the bit's like the your goat's trying to suck my dick my daughter's getting feces smeared on her this is not family fun it's adult entertainment

is this past work i'll be back in an hour like that it was it's it's no but anyway that You must have a fucking contact high, too, right? I don't know. I don't know where to see. But anyway, that play that part just got busted. Fads rolled in there. A guy had a million dollars buried in his yard, cocaine and meth and firearms and shit. So it's very...

What happened to the cold? And you could have... What happened to the cold? Delaney's was down in the muck, so it was eaten. Delaney's was down in the muck, so it was eating before I rescued her, and then I chucked mine away. because this one go was just fucking working on biting and shit. So I was like, but then what happened to Fairfoss is? That's the whole other situation.

Okay. You're trying to confuse bestiality with natural heterosexual feelings. Okay, I'm trying to keep up here. Beastiality is a different, that's what the devil wants you to do. The devil wants you to let that go suck through dick. Devil wants you to do. Do your kids get to throw darts at inappropriate posters at the carnival these days? What's that appropriate?

There's nothing inappropriate. I should have never in the fifth grade had a Chevy truck that said hauling ass with like seven chicks holding onto their butt cheeks and thom. That was, yeah, that kind of been in a front of. Did you really? Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. I did you? It's just a dart, man.

I wish somebody would have been. It's the easiest game with the carnival. The whole fucking post. I love it. I love it. I love you. I wish my dad could have walked. But if you could have walked, I wish you could have went up to my room

and taken all those sinful posters off my wall and said, you're never going to get one of these women and then put up like one of the Ingalls' chicks on the wall and go, that's more achievable. You might get an Ellie Olson, but you're not going to fuck Heather Thomas Smith. By the time I was in junior high, I had pictures of posters with Ozzy Osbourne

with Randy Rhodes on his shoulders. White trash fucking... I can't remember too many rock and roll posters. I had a lot of black light, fucking, not necessarily of any. Like Delvin Elvis? I had one, I had a black light one that was a Bible verse, like, the Lord is my shepherd. Yeah. What?

That seems like mixed signals. Like to get high and contemplate the Lord, man. The Lord was my shepherd. I was very sheepish in those days. So I needed the guy. Yeah, with the black light, that's just counterculture. That's how I got into religion. is embracing a counterculture.

Blacks and black women in Coquille, Oregon and I accepted Christ every time they came. I was gullible on several things myself, Andy. That's, I think, just the process. I accepted Christ every time I accepted Christ, and then it just kind of would fade out, you know. I only did it one time. I only did that one time

where they make you say the words. You know, I invite Christ. oh yeah or whatever yeah and uh my uncle and i won't talk to him was like a pastor or whatever and uh it was i was in sent home from basic training or or i don't remember advanced training in the army and uh so i was a young kid at the 18 or 19 and uh it was the day my grandpa died and everybody was all upset and then my uncle took advantage of that of all crying and no upset and stuff to be like you invite the lord and then he made me say the word and like laid out you fucking cocksucker

I know what that was you fucking yeah there's a preacher in my town co-heel a friend got shot and killed and anyway he turned that church service into oh jean I just

talked to him the other day and he's like I got to get away from the city you know and it's like I did drugs with the guy a couple days before that or you know a week before telling this whole other narrative and I just hit the exits it's like fucking done with I think that's when I broke up with Christ for the last time. I was like, man, this is different.

My very first experience that I remember at church, I was like maybe six years old or maybe five, and my grandma, I told you guys this story before. My grandma took me to church, then I went over, they all separated out, and now I was in a room with nobody I knew. And I only knew about church from things. I read a lot, even when I was real young. I like to read stuff.

So I had this context of what religion and church was, even though I'd never been. And they said, asking trivia question to all the little kids. And they said, well, Jesus went on the mountain and what did he do? And nobody would answer the question. And you went up Snickers if he fucking answered the question.

And I was like, you guys just, I mean, you can't even guess. I'm fucking, he prayed. And they're like, you did. It's right. He went, I'm like, how the fuck did you moron stuff? I was like, these church people are pretty fucking dumb. And I got Snickers and I was really little.

And so I'm glad for that. And then my grandma forgot she took me to church with all of the other kids and grandkids and left. And nobody from the church stayed there with me. Everybody left church. And it was like just a big metal building. It wasn't even like a church. It was.

And I just had to hang out. Yeah. I just had to hang out outside like a little kid just wait. How old? Five or six? I would say six. So young. Yeah, not five.

I would go six. What kind of church doesn't have at least one? One guy that wants to molest a kid. You know, that's a good point. That is, it wasn't, it wasn't one of the molesty ones, I don't think. Yeah. Well, they all are, but. Well, maybe they thought it was an obvious trap.

They're like, look, nobody forgets a six-year-old boy in church. We're not falling for that. Yeah. So then my grandma was at Safeway and was hollering at all the kids and then hollered at me too. And then my aunt was like, he's not here. Fuck, we took him to church. So they all had to get back in the station wagon. Sorry, this is way off topic, but so is my fucking brain.

And I was looking at that. I just thought, you know what would be funny is to bring all these sport coats up to Vegas and then have like the cliche and the old five-star restaurants, sir, you must have a blazer to come into this show. we have rentals so rent a blazer for the biggest show

for $50 and then return it at the end that's a fucking brilliant idea that we're not doing because we're taking the bus we're not taking a one truck that is in

that's in play for a future gig somewhere coat rentals is there any more seats on the bus just buy a seat for the coats we'll pay for itself there's only going to be so many coats but there's only going to be so many

people that fit in those coats so that's true but yeah well I factored in the whole you got to do ROI because then you're going to have to get the coats cleaned because who knows what weirdos at a Stanoff show are going to do to

I'm the only other guy that's going to wear it and I don't care you got fucking scabies he got some fucking deep vein thrombosis yeah yeah Stano I was at your show in Vegas I had such a good time. I rented one of your coats and I jerked off on the inner pocket

while I watched your show. Now, Doug's proud is aged out of being able to come. But they'd still leave blow in the pocket. Yeah, yeah. The drugs haven't left. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like a really rowdy nursing home. Last Vegas.

One flew over the nursing home. That's our pitch. That's our movie. We're putting in old folks home, but we're not quite ready to die. We're suicidal, but we're trying to have fun with it, but it's taken really a lot longer than we thought it would. We're hijacking the hospice nurse

and going to Vegas for a show in a goddamn shuttle bus. Yeah, we're not the... How long ago was that first Vegas Plaza thing with me, and Derek and Bingo made the L.A. Times.

Oh, yeah. Junior, it wasn't junior? No, you might have been on the show, but he was, that was the four of us in the shot. Yeah, I remember that. I can't, yeah, yeah, that was, man. I don't want to jinx it, but I can't remember. But the problem is we had to been there before

because I did the interview with that reporter at a Tiki Bar of Charleston Boulevard where I went out to smoke and realized I'm right across from the fucking my last television, marketing job where I had that I remember that too and like because we had just been talking about when I lived there I used to do telemarketing the last place I did what I started off like and you figured it out inside his phone I'm like oh that's a place right there yeah huh like bingo's place

is right below where I live I know I don't know if he wrote that article overnight and then fucking had it in the next day's paper which is possible 24 20 14 so yeah so yeah so yeah God damn. Yep, 11 years later. Here we come. If I can throw in my... Wait, am I not the new guy anymore? I still feel like I'm the new guy.

And now I realize, like, I've been here a lot of fucking years. Derek is a new kid in town. Well, no, no, Derek's... Derek and Kenny were... Derek and Kenny took me in the same way a parking lot, hacky sack circle will take you in. Like, we don't care if you're fucking... loser, buddy, if you're a VR friend.

If you can play hacky sack with Derek, you are a very patient man. I'll get it. I can't kick because of the accident. All right, why are you doing this? I hated that I caught when that first started because I'm like, this

is going to look really good on Canada. I'm like, that's it. You're right, Andy produces an unusually high that theme of smoke. Like him intentionally, that's why I'm in a hotbox you. That's why I got cancer in my biodeck and not my lung because I don't hold it in my lungs. I can't hold it right before.

It's very subtle. You know, the part that gets you high is when you inhale it, Andy. I've never been high. I've never been high. I've never ever been high. I've never, ever been high. You know, at one point on the podcast, I still have it. There's either a company or somebody sent us things.

Look at it, and he says, creating flumes and holding it next. I was holding it under the table when I started. Here, look, that'll control it on this side of the room and then it. I'm going to blame him with my fucking lung condition Well, here's what I'm going to have to blame the Australians They never really thought a big one of those Like John Taffler asked

We put a big fan It takes 90% of, you know Hey, see you up There's a GoFundMe for Dave Mordall If you don't remember Dave Mordall Go back to the first Season of Last Comic State Yeah.

Legend in Minnesota, fucking brilliant guy. You'd fucking love the shit out of him. He's got, he's got a GoFundMe. He's got emphysema, C-O-P-D now to the point he can't even just move around his house. So he was a, me, Dave Vettel, Dave Mordall. I've never met anyone who smoked in a league like us. And he'd not do it. He'd rather not leave the house if he couldn't.

smoke he's like i'll never quit he told us he had like emphysema oh yeah no it's with ren that dead valley party he showed up and i was like yeah man i hear you yeah because i thought he had a he was a short timer at that point he's a survivor but yeah he uh this was great his he actually called my wife and got inside stories that he could just drop in conversation with me in death valley i was like wait a minute like he told a story then that that happened to me like wait i you got hitting the head with a metal lunchbox by a bully what that's cool and then he goes yeah and then he goes yeah I actually

had to repeat fifth grade did they put me back or it was kindergarten he put me back in kindergarten that's crazy to repeat first grade and I was like no shit that happened to me so I mean man yeah I never how did he reveal that he was fucking with he finally at the end of two or three of him I was just like

what the fuck man conscious weed smoking it's like a no man it's like a weed smoking meditation you get anxious. Yeah, how do you tell you, Andy, that he did that? He just got, I think he just ran out of fact toys, and then he goes, by the way, you know, I called, I talked to your wife and. That's so fucking great. First of all, how did you have your wife's telling you, though?

I don't know. He should have never told you that. Well, it was, you know, that's fun time. It was probably in the days where you didn't have a cell phone number. Oh, yeah. Right? This is, this is the legend, this is the prank that I've never heard talked by a comic. is where this comic named Elliot Max

was coming to Acme in Minneapolis, the comedy club, the home club for that scene. And Mordaul, and he was coming to do two weeks. And, uh, is that a Seattle headliner? Yeah,

Elliot Max, very gentle soul, guitar, uh, family, uh, kind of. So Mordaul and Lewis Lee,

the owner of Acme Comedy Club, ask, uh, Elliot Max, you're the headliner this week. Would you be, though, you know,

I'm not a grandmaster, but the guy that stands on the float for the acting comedy club for the Harvest Day parade. He's like, absolutely, I'll do that. Well, there's no such thing as the Harvest Day Parade. Yeah, he's in the back with his guitar, sit on a hate that.

Wait, wait. They build a float. Jesus. They build an entire float that says, Acme Comedy Club, Harvest Day Parade on the side. And whatever's on it.

and they hook it up to a fucking pickup truck once he's on the back they drop the signs they flip over to National Coming Out Day which it is oh man this is not a present

no way with this is this filmed no it was before filming anything you know this was all just for the fuck of it this is wonderful yeah this is why you have to find

Dave Bordaul's GoFund me flash it on this right now because yeah he deserves everything that he's fucking going through right now but so now they pretend they can't find the parade and they're

lost and they have them on the freeway and people are either waving at the guy or flipping them off and he's just still believes that they're trying to find this parade that does like this oh my God that's fucking brilliant

it's fucking hilarious it was booked for two weeks He quit after that He didn't come back for his second week And he never did comedy again And he was an headliner Oh my God His name was Elliot Max

He only comic that won the Seattle Comedy Competition twice under different names He just won One was the character and one was that Oh okay No it's original his real name was Gary Larson Wogley Why not Wogged away right now

Walk away after that But his real name is Gary Larson, and that's why he changed his name, because it's the same as the Tomic strip. He's a Seattle guy. And I think Elliot rebounded and did comedy after that, but he quit working at

that club and was damaged. I'm too high to follow the spirit. Was he pissed? He was really Gary Larsson, the comic guy? He changed his name because he had the same name. Michael Bolton and

But he I got thrown it in For some reason I had an alienated A skinhead in a comedy competition I said something about skinheads Were a punchline And this guy made it clear

That he was going to kick my ass And he was going to call friends To help me get my ass kicked Did you make sure your car started that time No No get this shit though To help me get my ass kick That's the best wording

I've ever heard of that Get this shit though I use I think he went by either corporal or captain would it was a black guy and uh this guy was and i go do you hear that shit he said about you and then i go it was a seattle company competition so i said corcorporal or whatever i said man he caught he's dropping that end bomb and he's going to cave he said getting his buddies and i go let you want to you want to ride with me and i guess uh the thinking would have been

like if push comes to shove and a bunch of skinheads run after me and corporal Can he go after him? Becker and had a pool game at Duluth, Minnesota bar after a show. And we played these guys. I would fucking kick their ass and then with lucky shots and stuff. And you can tell they were really fucking irritated. And we saw them like, they're going to kick our ass. And so we're on two fucking monsters at the bar.

I walked down where they go, hey, can I buy you guys a drink? Because these guys that over at the pool, they're going to fuck with us. I'd rather just buy you guys a drink. We're friends, huh? What's up? Bam. Yeah, they fucking left me. Yeah.

Go ahead. You were about somebody. No, I was just going to say, that is going to make some like Andy's missed grifts before. He's just focusing them in more important areas because that was fucking fantastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And but I remember Elliot Max was the host of the evening. And I was pretty nervous about, you know, this guy left the bar. He said he's going to get a group of people and get me.

and I was waiting around to see what the scores were and he goes is that the first time you've ever had your life threatened in a comedy show and I go yeah I need a that's always the most awkward yeah he was a he was a very uh what way on thoughtful dude I could see him riding around in that free thing and just being fucking you know quietly fucking cron you know bombed out and yeah his son is a comic. Joe Larson, who does pretty well in New York, I guess. But yeah, I got invited to Elliot Max's house for dinner one night, and the kid was sneaking rum drinks. And that's Joe. That's the comic now. Anyway, Dave Morda, one of the great pranksters of all. That's only

two pranks that was well known. And that one in Death Valley, I knew about because, you know, and I just told you about it. But it's like, how many great pranks? prank to do that guy, I mean, to that level of... He wouldn't give a fuck about the business. Yeah, he didn't do it for a TV or likes or nothing. His act was, like, really good, uh, mediocrity. Like, he knew he's, like, it's just observational.

Why is it, you know, in a blackout, you're going to the, looking for a flashlight. You go on the next room, what's the person you do? Turn a light switch on. Like, that's... But he did it funny. Like, he was just like a crap. It's like, but he wasn't like in the business. Like he was a person.

Like you don't give a, you don't race into the room because more dolls on stage. But you don't hate being there either. Remember going, we went me, Doug, and Shaley, I believe was with. I know Shaley was with us because he picked up a speeding ticket on the way back from Mordalls. But we went to Mordalls and Mordaul just been on last comic standing and he bought a piece of property and he had a dirt track. We could ride four wheelers around and we shot machine guns.

Yeah, it's just like. I forgot a speeding ticket. Yeah, and then I forgot my phone charger, so we went back to get my phone, or whatever it was. I forgot my phone. I forgot something, and we went back, and then Shaley picked up a ticket trying to make up time. Yeah. I'm glad there's nobody to get angry. I remember coming to it at the men's room in Acme, and I was taking a piss, and he walked up next to me, and he pulled his...

dick out he goes look at that doesn't it's that a wart or a carbuncle shay something mark no no Dave moreno okay I was like Shaley weird oh my God that's right he's good whatever happened to that was that a ward or carbuckle he guys oh that day I had to take you're just burned off when I was in the army he he'd pull this Pt shorts up and he took his ball sack and stretched it down his thigh and then it was not just looked like it was a big swollen knot and he told the lieutenant over and he goes, I got bit by

a spider and he was poking it, the lieutenant was like, oh, we gotta get you to the doctor, man, that's it. Meanwhile, he just had Nutsang skin under his head. Oh, huh. Palman cards. A magic trick,

jett-ah balls. You never, I, you know, and it was fucking nine of us on the ground. who knew exactly what the fuck was going on and then lieutenant had no clue. Kelly Moran, what he would like to get adjoining rooms? He was my first head, one of the first headliners I worked with. And he would do stuff like he'd just have it. He goes, like, you know, do you see anything that looks fucking, you know,

or it's like the anus is out? Or he would walk in and go, does my dick look like it's swollen? Or he, do my testicles look large to you? Or like, what the put? I think it was a cheek. Yeah. That would, Michael Riff, that wouldn't pull his fucking ball sack out. He goes, it's a little like a satin gum.

Yeah. Just this. Yeah. Yeah, this same guy, you, the reason why we were all laughing and knew what was going on, this same guy, if you weren't, if you weren't watching, you know, he'd get you a beer, but he'd open it with his nut sack. Oh, man. You got to wonder.

You thought that was the height of the ladder. You got a wonder. Yeah. You got a wonder if, maybe society got too. Maybe society got too woke for him. Oh, man, it used to be a guy could open up somebody with the dick. Now they'd say that's illegal.

Yeah. I've never been to, I mean, you know, people compliment me on my junk or whatever. I like to think it's, you know, they saw it naturally. Not that I was forcing the action. Hey, what do you think of this? Your premise is weird.

because I've never had anybody compliment me on my genuf. Yeah, that fucking carbon rug situation. I thought the Aussies went into the office supply place in Seattle. Oh, my God, the fucking landlord. This place has been sitting here for God knows

how long a year or a year and a half. Pretty much no use whatsoever. And now, look at all the fucking plugs and extension because we don't, she covers the election. I do now all of a sudden the fucking bill we could

I mean yeah the space is it's interesting to think about your original idea like you know a front for a camera situation people assessment

or whatever bring in your used people and we'll tell you what they're worth kind of shit yes we're at a storefront in the outskirts of the Bisbee a suburban area.

Yeah. We could open a skateboard shop. We could all make this into a pawn shop. I remember one of the things we talked about on the phone and I don't know if you remember it because I barely remembered it

right now, as you said you'd split it like political parties selling hers. One on each side. You'd have to just the same guy would just switch hats and then sell you shit. Sleepy Joe Blankets.

That's actually a bit in my act now because we had the other storefront next door and we had ideas for doing hidden camera and making that and whatever but it's already rigged for cameras so uh but unfortunately i'm not young and ambitious anymore so i have a great idea i go hey you had a great idea let's get back to some youtube hey hey i'm only here for a little less than i just thought of that Wow, but to do it would take actual work, labor, faking, and there'd be no money in it. That's the problem when you think things through to their logical conclusion and go, oh, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, that's why I wasn't happy to hear us having a grandkid.

Like, God damn it, now I'm going to have to load that gun and drive them up there and rescue them from a mob or mudslide. Oh, yeah, it's just like your problems have expanded. that's all it is you have a kid you're by yourself you have problems yeah and then you're just now i have all these people's problems and then i have all these people's problems you just fuck yourself what if what the hubby goes kaput or you know get catapulted into mexico or however and then all of a sudden now grandpa's got to take on all these fucking priests that want to fuck a kid or whatever no it's a girl so it wouldn't be priest it would be uh something different anyway let's yeah we could we might rap I have no idea oh fake it's it's a way

to say oh yeah it's I mean close yeah it's been like I don't know what two and a half hours that's it really yeah it's I know I I know I'm a look searching the coverage order yeah 1140s you believe that that's yeah that's almost three hours that just seemed like bullshit in a little bit I thought well fuck I was looking affordable shitting more with you guys I'm on my goddamn yard time I was just giving it that there we go go out tonight at have fucking really weird sex with somebody uglier than you this is an important thing to do in life fuck someone uglier than you every now and then you're going to go upstairs and you're gonna have fun and you don't go find the cutest

guy go find some fucking kind of unaccompanied dave no days before he hit the fucking law and found a woman that didn't find it irritated. Not give him a real name or call them again. I'm not saying, but if you fuck someone ugly than it, nothing makes you feel better than when someone who shouldn't have fucked you did, right? I let people cut you off in traffic. Oh, yeah, fucking 58 items and a 10 item of a lash.

Go in front of me. Use a check and a coupon, too. What up here? That girl fuck me. I'm happy all week. Someone better looking than you as, fuck you at some point, pass it on. Does anything that war should be teaching

you, just fuck someone. I don't know how, but it's the lesson I learned. She won't always be that beautiful, that giggly, McGee. You're laughing. You're laughing and fucking you. That's she's still giggling. Yee! The thought of it.

But she won't always be that beautiful, Dave. So you just sit back and laugh yourself. Because one day, both of these little girls will be stumbling in here, 73 years old, you have to come down on some kind of fucking cart or ramp or something

getting it down here, stepping off the MediVan with the orthopedic shoes and the swivel hip and the fucking knee socks all peel down that big varicose veins crawling up your ass

like blue night crawlers balls, spots, bed so gym sock titty is kind of telling you could titty fuck using just one tit You just spitting it around a few times. 11.

Wiggly pyreate teeth. Big war-torn beaver. Look like someone kicked a hole in the side of a rotting hogs carcass. It's all de-arched and heat-rashed, ingrown hairs, fucking callous top buttoned sweat oils. I'm going to bird's nest full of raw meat and bacon grease. You're a sick to take a blind man's scream Armageddon, yeah? Colostomy bag dangling off you like a three-pound tit full of shit, yeah? Until then you'll fuck me.

Wait, oh, whoa. Me and Dave both, we'll wait right here until that it'll be, you know. I can leave you with a disconnected phone number written on the bag that I hand in the way. sitting on the dresser, tear dropping your milky cataract eye.