The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Murderer, Mat Becker ...still owes me $7.50

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Doug sets the record straight on local club owner and murderer, Mat Becker. Video versionGet premium wireless for $15/month on a 3 month plan at http://MintMobile.com/STANHOPESave 20% on your first online order at http://lucy.co/STANHOPE with promo code STANHOPE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

The mic on there is fucking hilarious, honey. Miking your ear flap is really funny. Is it? Yes. Okay. It almost looks like what if they went all out of their way to have that near her mouth where they, did they not notice they could just put it on her chest? Yeah, no, put it on the fucking flap.

I don't know the details specifically, because you have to understand that me and Bingo found this news out, then Becker, oh, I'm sorry, did I start to, say what we're talking about. Becker went to Alaska and to murder his wife and her dad. And who knows how many other people he had on a list. But he started with the wife but missed and she got away. So then he went and killed her 87-year-old dad on his birthday. And again, we did another podcast.

about this. Just me and bingo and Chad Shank. And I was too serious. It was too, I was too over the, I was too hypocritical was one of the main things

where as I'm talking, I'm like, I'm shitting all over Matt Becker for things that I found hilarious at the time. And we do talk about that. So you're going to be seeing a lot of this go back to the conversation

I had with Chad, occasionally where oh about that podcast is that podcast would have been a completely different podcast if Becker had not gone after those two people

specifically two of the most beloved people in that arm of our social circle the deep allegiance of Alaska friends you couldn't have picked two worse if you want everyone to fucking hate you and they, like, all you did your whole life and I've known him 35 years was run from hate

that you created. Anyway, so, so that's, let's cover the breakup. I see, I have a bunch of notes here like I'm doing a set tonight and a lot of them are, fun story, but they all start to romanticize Becker and they can't help but. Like you go, oh, that crazy motherfucker did that or you go, yeah, but this all leads to that

crazy fucker. We all knew was eventually going to kill somebody. Out of spite, like this, that guy rode on spite. He slicked his hair back with it. He's a fucking, like, so we would have open conversations about. And that's why when the breakup between Matt Becker and I happened here when he finally showed up in Bisbee and you go, ooh, this is not going to end well. Well, didn't. I've known Becker since Open Mic's in Phoenix in 1991, I believe. So, yeah, 25, 35 years.

And he's always been a liar, a cheat and a thief. And from you, from anyone, you have this story to save time here, but Scrabble, probably 91, 92. Becker and I are on the road. We're in a boggant shitty hotel somewhere. We're killing time. We'd play Scrabble. We're playing Scrabble. And it's towards the end of the game.

and I know he's got the cue and all the U's are out on the board. I know he's got the fucking cue and I went, I had to take a piss and I stopped. The door's like that and I stop when I'm inside the

behind the door but I look and I wait and I watch through the crack and then he fucking takes the cue out and puts it back in the bag and takes one of the letters out of the bag. I just watched you do that. You fucking put the cue back. No, I didn't.

I just fucking watched you do it. No, I didn't do it. I was shaking the back. See how am I? No, I watched you. That's all I need to say about Matt Becker. He doesn't ever want to lose. He can't take losing, even if it means he has to go out that way by fucking killing his wife to get any missed.

Please, everyone in the comments, send your karaoke version of, I kissed a girl, but it's a he missed a girl. And then just make it about what a fucking puswort loser you are. You know what? Again, this is a different podcast than the other one. That one was far too serious. And it left out a lot of the good parts. Yeah, he shot at her at her fucking salon.

Evidently he glued, well, she works in a salon, and he glued the door thing and then so she couldn't get in. And then he tried to shoot her. There's some really creepy footage. That 49-second clip. Becky sent me a 49-second clip. Oh, man.

And I guess it's going to be like a neighboring business because it's empty, but they have a security camera on the inside, but you can see out the front window, and you see that gray Altima come up one way, and then go down the other, and then there's about 30 seconds of silence. And then you hear doors shut and then hers saying, don't do it, don't do it.

Why? Why? And then you hear two gunshots. It stops. Wow. It's really, fuck. I just got goosebumps. That was really creepy to watch.

But yeah, he shot a couple of times. And then I guess he ran out of ammo. What happened? Did she outrun you, gout mouth? The fuck. How did you miss Becky? Beck are fucking coming in, hungover all full of another guy's cum. How could you not get Becky?

She's got her fucking coffee in her hand and a fucking whiskey coffee in the other hand and whiskey in her back pocket. Whatever. And you've been plotting this. You've been fucking driving in circles. You're methed out. And you can't fucking. So he missed her.

She got away. I guess she just did a sluged. slide to the side. No. Stop throwing your money away on high phone bills. Switch to Mint Mobile. Same coverage, same speed. Unlimited talk, text, and data all on the nation's largest 5G network.

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right as my T-shirt that says Mint Mobile. And please check all his Instagram and Facebook to make sure it says Mint Mobile Kenny. bring your current phone and number over to mint no long-term contracts and no hassle i think i messed this up mint makes it easy with a seven-day money-back guarantee if you like your money mint mobile is for you shop plans at mintmobile dot com slash stanhope that's mintmobile dot com slash stanhope upfront payment of forty five dollars for three months five gigapy plan required equivalent to fifteen dollars a month new customer offered to first three months only then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra, seeminitmobile.com for details. Yes. That's right. Well. Excellent. So, so failing that, failing,

murdering a three and a half foot tall, 56 year old woman. She might be four or something. I don't know. She's tiny. failing that in the broad daylight you went instead and killed her 87-year-old dad on his birthday and he go well

I guess goodbye girl world you went up to make a statement and you fucking sucked just like every time you were on stage that you weren't stealing someone's material He sucked. Funniest guy in the room,

funniest guy behind the bar in front of the bar, one of the funniest people, aside from Andy Andrus that I've ever met, even if it's a lot of it is that Robin Williams syndrome where he would, there's so many stories about he would just steal people's jokes

because he's saying so many things. If I heard it, yeah, if I heard it on the stage last night, I'm just going to say it. I don't know who did it. I'm just to say what I heard. I don't have to go. So Becker had that going on.

He wasn't a truly funny human being like Andy. Yeah. And I don't know that he was a human being at all. But he's always been a fucking cheat and a liar. He would, and he's been in my orbit since 91. We were roommates. We were roommates. We lived together.

in a, like a bachelor apartment that we got for $250 a month because we weren't going to be there. We're just going to be on the road. That's when I was living out of my car. So it's a place to keep our stuff. There was, I remember when we rented the place, they said, oh, and they just painted the cabinets. They're trying to hype this fucking horrific, like, bad project kind of. and there was a roach that had been painted over when she pointed out the cabinet. It's like they didn't even stop painting to.

And I remember Becker saying to the real estate lady, the front, you know, apartment housing lady, who looks out the window, he goes, oh, we're right over the pool. I guess we're going to be testifying in court a lot. Anyway, see, there you go. gliding into glorifying Becker, which he was fucking funny. He was hilarious. Even back trying out, even if some of it was stolen. The only time that bothered me is when it was something he gave.

There was like two jokes over the first 15 years of my career, or 10, that he gave me, that I actually have recorded. that one of them was Al Franken's. I read Al Franken's book. I'm a terrible gift giver. I would have bought Anne Frank a drum set. So when Becker stops doing comedy,

he's like, yeah, you can have that. Yeah, it's in fucking Al Franken's book. I'm listening to the audible book and his day's writing in Saturday Night Live. And that was one of the jokes they couldn't get past the sensors. And I'm like, and then I told him that. And he's like, no, no, no. And a full like, I don't know, 48 hours, 72 hours later, days later.

He's like, I figured out why that joke. Because Al Franken, because if you remember, your first manager, Judy, she had so-and-so for a client and they worked with Al Franken. So that's probably. And I'm like, no. No, he was just, I mean, more than that, it was generally a good liar. I mean, if he didn't, if you weren't looking out for it, or if he hadn't, A, gutten and fucked, or B, behind the scenes, because nobody, like, I've seen every side of Becker.

I've been the guy he tells what he's thinking when he's about to fuck you and you're going to clap. He's about to fuck you and you're going to go, oh, he's the best. Watch it. Watch it. It's going to happen. So yeah, I've watched him for 35 years and we only stopped being friends when I had to, when he moved here. He moved to Alaska twice opening for me when his life, he had nothing going on. Well, I'm going up to Alaska. It's one place that I could book him and he could suck and they wouldn't care because it's just this chaos place. He'd been to Coots, you know. So I would book him, I booked him one week, and then he stayed on. They hired him as a day bartender because he's so funny, like, just to be around. And so they hired him. Then he found some, like, horrible,

crazy lady, they fell in love. They moved back to L.A. right up the street from me, but then they couldn't talk to me because Becker, yeah, you can tell which one is the version is, or the quick one or the fucking long version I did on the first podcast. Yeah, Becker didn't, she, Becker's girlfriend didn't like me or him being around me. So we couldn't hang out there. But then they dumped him and he got fired from the Brown Derby for stealing. Famous bar. Becker works there.

Stealing, fired. See a precedent and Becker's, because that was, that was back in, when Ralphie Mae lived in the same building. and there was a big comedy hive over there where he lived. But he got fired and dumped, and then it was like the odd couple. He comes back over to me, and I happen to be going back up to Alaska to do some gigs. So he opened for me again, and again, he did the gig, stayed on again as a day bartender, and then just kept stealing from them and burning fucking bridges after bridges, after everybody through the course of my life has pretty much not liked Matt Becker.

Like our, like even within our circle, Becker could burn bridges. Yeah, fuck yeah. And then, you know, we'd always forgive them or just ignore it. But that's because you didn't have to see him again. If we're in Costa Rica on vacation, yeah, Becker fucking being an asshole, but we're not going to, we go home. And when he finally burned every bridge after he's embezzled allegedly 18 grand, I'm not saying allegedly for legal purposes, I'm saying I have no idea. I've heard that a lot of fucking thousands of dollars he stole from Coots.

But yeah, no, he came down here because, you know, it was, it's an arid climate. No, he came down here because he had run out of people. When you're in Alaska and you run out of people to cheat and lie and steal from. And I'm saying he lied like it was a art form. He lied long form detail, like unnecessary lies. There was a girl that I had made love at on the road after a gig. And she came out to Los Angeles. and she said, hey, I'm coming to L.A.

And I'm like, hey, well, yeah, hook me up. I had been recently single. And so, yeah, I'll plook you again. But then she showed up. And I was already majorly in love with this Renee girl that eventually became my wife. And at that point, I was just obsessed with her. So I bring Leah, Iowa, we call her. By the way, side note, Googled that Leah, found her.

found her and she, who was seemingly a young, up-and-coming professional, she was going to work for an agent, she was moving to L.A., and she had a job with an agent, and she seemed kind of permanent proper, and she's like, like, she felt she acted like it was dirty when we fucked because, you know, we weren't in a relationship or something. Oh, no. Yeah. Well, like, yeah, I found out she was busted in this major fucking methamphetamine stain back in Iowa, Guess that LA thing didn't work out so well for you there.

Purdy did it. Every time I have sex with you, I always get a, what do you call it, the yeast infection? I'm like, huh? The yeast infection. Yeah, it was years later. Someone said, yeah, you shouldn't do the, you know, ass into the pussy thing, like, that's, I guess that's dirty for you.

Ha ha. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You don't get a lot of callbacks on all these sales jobs. You know what I'm saying? I don't get the comment card two weeks after the fact.

Oh, my God. What do I know? I'm a man on the road. My young kid, and I got Becker and tell. I got to go. So this Leah comes out from Iowa, and I'm with Becker, and he's down and out. He's on the skids. And I go with this Leah girl, Iowa, we called her.

and we go to my bar, the coach and horses, not I own it, where I'm a regular, and then Renee's there. And I'm like, fuck, and I'm not wasting a chance. When Renee's here alone, there's a stool open next to her, I got to take this chance because this was the girl. And I don't care about Iowa. So Becker wing mans me while I go hit on Renee who wants to go to another bar. And I'm like, yeah, I'll go. You want me to go? sure. Do you want me to drive drunk? I'll do that too.

And so we ditched Iowa with Becker. So I was upset as she gets back at me by get this going to fuck Becker. Like that'll show him. And we had breakfast the next day. And like she's pawing on. I'm like, oh my God. Oh, man, I'm so hurt that you fucked my best friend who is under dire straits and no one ever fucks. Yeah, you killed me.

They're hand feeding each other. Why am I looking at that? It might be his brother. What? It might be his brother. No, no, it's not. Oh. Oh, wait, that's you.

What? I didn't you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. No, no, no.

But no, it was already on your thing. Oh, okay. Okay, back to, oh, Iowa. Okay, so here's what happens. Iowa is visiting that time, but then she's visiting to check it out, and then she gets whatever job. She's moving back. Now she's fucked Becker.

Becker has already decided to go back to Alaska, but she's fucked him, and she thinks he's waiting there for her, but he's going to Alaska. So Becker lies to her. And he tells her that he's going to Alaska. I think this is probably going to be better in the first telling with Chad. Like, he told her he was going to Alaska to write the screenplay for the book at that point. It wasn't a movie that he did make it into a movie, Into the Wild. The kid that goes up.

So, Anne, like, he didn't just tell her that lie. He has to add such fucking. unnecessary detail. He says, no, okay, they're flying me into the exact location, and I'm going to stay on that bus, and they fly me in provisions once a week. And so I'll be at the coaching horses, and Leah would come in, you know, happy hour,

and just start telling everybody, I finally heard from Matt, he called me, probably collected those days, I'd call on a payphone collect. He says, you know, and so she would repeat all this stuff that he was telling her. And I just sit there at the bar going, oh, man, because everybody knows that he's lying to her.

She's the only one out of the loop. And, yeah, so, yeah, it's all fun in games until it's you. Or Becky's dad. See, wasn't it better that you saw that than me trying to recreate that? Way better. So yeah, he would lie just unnecessarily, but it was funny because you left.

Or it didn't matter. But either way, he would also steal and cheat. And so, and it was just, generally really or like on the dark side like now he was also one of the most vindictive people

that he doesn't ever forget a grudge he doesn't let something go away if he might swallow something down but if he thinks he might have some kind of problem or you're against him or you're plotting that'll come back up like a fucking

boil after he's been up for two days smoking ice with The boys in the gulch? The boys in the gulch are always cool. Come picking those scabs looking like a fool. Hey, I thought that fucking Kenny rubbed off on me. Becker burns out all his bridges up in Alaska. He's stolen from him.

He's fired. And so he shows up here and buys a house down the street, which after he bought it, but he was away. we did paint that house. Pink plaid. Oh, camouflage. No, camouflage. Oh, camouflage.

Yeah, it was camouflage, not plaid. That's actually funnier. And probably cheaper. Plaid, you know, have a lot of tape. Yeah, we did that. And I was terrified that Becker's going to fuck things up down here. Yeah, I think we've covered all that just fine. I mean, let me go to, let me just go to things that have happened since then.

two phone calls one well first of all this thing broke national news which uh means google news or whatever there's a thing on news or yeah someone picked it up it's a clickbait news i'm sure it's huge on reddit i'm sure that you've read all the becker reddits i'm sure because i those are the only alerts i get is from you guys when you're up here and you know oh did you see the thing And we go, no. Share it. We're friends on Facebook or whatever, Twitter. Let me know. I called the cops because this fucking story that came out, that's the one that most of you saw, which is I waited a few days to even do this. Because we didn't see that coming, much less. Now I've talked to his family, more than he talked to his family in the last.

last 10 years and they all fucking hate each other. It's been hilarious. Yeah, so the story came out terminally ill comedian, comedy club owner

kills whatever self and others murders suicide, terminal cancer. That's bullshit. We know he doesn't have terminal cancer because two years ago, what he was telling people he had terminal cancer. One person specifically just because he knew it would

drift into other people. That's when I stuck my nose into the Becker world was when I heard he had terminal cancer. And even doing that, some comment got back to me that I was on, I don't know, someone saying he said it or someone else saying someone said it, that I was only sniffing around now because he has cancer and I want that liquor license. Yeah, that's what I'd do it. I'm an ambulance racing Matt Becker. That fucking filthy bar. I have people that are like, you know, kind of like upscaley,

like people look up to in this town. People that people look up to that think that I own that club. And you're like, I wouldn't, like, I wouldn't sit in that club. Like, that club was a horrible, filthy. It was like a storage unit with hard metal chairs

and fake alcohol. And they're, like, people say the legend is that it was, there's only one Jameson bottle and there's a lot of Ewan McGregor that goes in and out of it, plastic jug, think pop off vodka. And I think if he could have gotten something cheaper, a dollar tree, then Ewan McGregor. If you just get like, you know what, they've had barbecues smoke flavor. If he could have gotten whiskey flavoring and put it in with some fucking rubbing alcohol, and a spritz,

he would have pawned that off. And I don't even think it's for the money. I think it's because he loves to get away with it. Because I would watch him do all of these things where you go, what's the point? You love to win and you love to gamble, but you can't stand fucking losing. And that's why people are dead.

Oh, and did I ever The Facebook comment, did I read it? No, you didn't. Oh. No. All right, well, I'll follow up with it. Wait. You did not read it.

I started to read it. Yeah, no. Oh, yeah, I was explaining the party that this is about. Hang on, let me finish the breakup. Let me try to keep this in some kind of, but. To read it. Oh, yeah.

No, I'm, Becker moves down here. Long story short. Becker is caught in a situation with another lady. All of these things Becker's known for is a fucking cheat fucking, you know,

not, I wouldn't say drug addict. He was very good at doing drugs. He was to the end. I couldn't keep up with that fucking amphetamine use. But also, which gave him the fucking paranoia that led him down the same path.

He came in here. This is when he's just first moved here. Becky, his wife is at the house. She goes to bed early all the time. So he has this just very open affair with Gump's old girlfriend. If you remember those episodes, Selena, and they'd be in here

fucking doing blow and whatever. And Becky walks in on him at like three in the morning one night and is this where you go? time? Is this fucking what you're doing? Just you and her and fucking hearing drugs and fucking, and he's just whatever sidesteps it and then tries to

make everything about us and how, you have to understand Becky, they're trying to fuck us over. And Becky is Tracy's best friend. So he's trying to turn his wife, which he spent fucking 20 years doing

you know, perfectly just, you know, she just bought his bullshit and it was it took up until then where she's like all right this is it man like I've fucking tolerated your fucking charades and your but like he spoke

like stuff that like still hurts Chaley to this day it wasn't just saying shit like I'm talking about him being a fucking liar and a thief like he was talking about like why we're against her to and he'd done that before when we were in Costa Rica

and he went off on me and then somehow convinced her that anyway so yeah so he didn't realize during that tirade he was being filmed on the ring camera with audio that Chaley woke up to for his fucking apple jacks in morning cereal watching this what happened last night what did I fall asleep from what I'm what

you fucking what my wife you're telling your wife that my wife is fucking what and it was a lengthy i i i know chaley's doing his thing right now but i did uh we did leave word to see if he has any any recording of that because that would be one you go i think i'm gonna keep this yeah like this is good footage i you might favorite that i don't know how you guys like keep things in like computer things but yeah i would like go favorite that i would mark that unread so it stays at the top of my inbox, if that makes sense, right? Okay.

So we, yeah, we had a, we had a reason to not talk to Becker, even though he lives about seven houses away on the other street, which was the worst. And this is not the first time we've had someone in the neighborhood. Like, all right, if we have this relationship, why would you rent that house,

five houses away from me? Right. one, the crazy, the guy who thinks that I'm plotting to kill him. Oh, no, I know. And I go, why would you think that? Well, you know, evidence, he said. Evidence, you know, JFK? Yeah.

FDR. And I go, ah, all right. But I would never do that. I just want you to know. First of all, FDR wasn't assassinated at all. This is during COVID, too. Like, this is during lockdown. I was walking the dog, and he, like, I had to walk past his house over there

at the time he was renting. And then he, I didn't know it, but he followed me around the whole block up until this side, that house that will never sell. And he's like, well, I just want to ask you to stop, man. Stop.

Like, this is, I, I knew that. We weren't, like, really great friends. Yeah. Been around. But I don't, like, he goes, stop trying to have me assassinated. Yeah, that's annoying.

Yeah. and also someone who thinks that bingo and i have a hand in the murder murder suicide of whiskey girl nowhere man that's why he thinks i'm going to kill them too and they were good friends and are like all right this is weird but that's one of those rumors that you don't dispute if someone thinks that you can have them killed without the police doing

anything about it. That's way more effective than having a pit bull or a ring camera. Yeah, I'd rather have a believe that fucking little ninja spies are right outside their fucking window. Tracking their thoughts. In fact,

we should make security signs that say that, that you plunge into your front lawn. This is protected by little ninja spies that have been watching this whole time and you knew they were. you knew they were just all fine print you knew I was going to talk to you way down here

that's why you get this close isn't it I'll see you in your dream tonight you won't recognize me not at first that's the only reason I do these podcasts is for that one good idea that we never get to we should have that as a level of the Patreon

is the we'll get to that for you level It's a high dollar if you don't get around to doing one of our ideas. Like I want to see that yard sign that says, this place is protected by, and then you riff the whole, you know, paranoid delusion, meth head kind of thing, and then send it to me,

and then we'll give you a free membership to the Patreon. That would work. I don't know how it would work, because I don't do those kind of things. I'm trying to talk to you about a man who's in the news, for A, being terminal cancer, and a lot of the stories kind of made it sound like that's how he died, because have they released how he died?

I just want you to read what's been circulating on, like, ask slash stand-up. The way it's phrased. Stand-up comedian recently diagnosed with terminal cancer travels thousands of miles to try to kill ex-wife in Anchorage as his last dying act murders her father to before being found dead in the woods. Like anytime, you were of the mind

that maybe it sounds like he died in the woods of terminal cancer. Anytime it's in the woods, it's not a natural act. If they have to mention it was in the woods, like if they say bear attack, they don't have to say in the woods. It's apparent in the crime.

You get a guy, you get a late, middle-aged man alone in the woods. It's not because he's fishing. That's not why it makes the news. Man in the woods spots a flowered lay who takes a picture for Twitter. I should have said Instagram. Okay, so that's the one call. Called the cops. What?

I don't think you went to the call it. Well, I was talking about the cancer, the bullshit in the story. Like this story, just saying he has terminal cancer and we found out why. I called the cops saying, hey, that guy didn't have terminal cancer. That was his bullshit lied two years ago. That was, then he moved on to he doesn't have cancer. He has bruised kidneys and kidney failure and edema. And then it turned into a heart.

This was this last trip. The local shit he tells people at his bar is now his heart's blowing out. So cancer is, we have no idea where they get this cancer thing that went national, terminal cancer. No, he doesn't. So I called AFPD, which, thank God you came up to take footage. Oh my God, the thing that you weren't awake for to take footage. I was tripping so hard and laughing. so hard. I'll tell you after this, play this, the call to the, just listen to what you have to go through

on a keypad. Hi, thanks for calling Anchorage PD. If you're white, press one now. Just the amount of buttons you have to, options you have to listen. Play the tape. If you are calling for APD, please listen to the options before making a selection. Just need to find a detective. If you think your vehicle may have been towed and would like to contact the impounds office, office, press one. If you'd like to save time reporting an accident, making a citation payment, requesting a copy of a police report, or filing a report when you don't need an officer or for insurance purposes, you can go online to www.w.

Anchoragepolice.com. Or you can press three. Now. For property and evidence, press four. If you wish to report a runway or have information. about a runaway. No. Press 5.

For the detective division, or if you have previously filed a report and wish to speak to a detective about your case. Oh, thank you. All right. Detective, that's all we wanted. Here we go. For the drug and vice hotline,

press 1. For burglary, press 2. Oh. For fraud and Eagle River Detective's assault, computer crimes, Department of Times Act unit. 65. Sounds like a character actor.

He's Jay Baker. I'm a side detective. by night. Don't at Baker by, do you need? Do I have to go through that menu again to get Sal Dana's number? Because you're getting close to being off work. The Matt Becker case, I'm assuming you must do some type of autopsy on him, but it's irritating a lot of people that know better that the news,

the national news is saying that he was dying of terminal cancer. He didn't have terminal cancer. He's a pathological liar. And I hope that you do some type of pathology to render all of his claims here that affect his loved ones as bogus. Give me a call back. 520. Oh, here comes Lucy Breakers. If you like nicotine, you'll love Lucy.

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Nicotine is an addictive chemical. That was call number one. For the record, I think that was three days. We haven't got a call back. No, no, no. Detective, whatever his name. What's Tuesday through Thursday? Oh, I thought it said Tuesday through Saturday.

I thought it was. But it was, whatever it was, it was the day. It was the same day. it was before five. I know it didn't call back. Here's the second phone call. Again, like I said, I have talked to more members of Becker's family since this via phone or email and they all hate each other and they all wonder why Matt hated them. I don't understand why he didn't want to be part of the family, says the guy that says that all of their family, sucks. I got another email today, and it's a great back and forth. It's, uh, I, uh, she's the

daughter of there's, there, I guess there's three. And I guess they are a little bit like Andy brothers, only one's a Nazi instead of a tweaker. And then the other one's a kind, I don't know, but yeah, this is just a lot of, uh, oh, oh, okay, yeah. So the brother we talk to. Let's say, let's just say play it now, so I don't have to think if this already happened. All right. First of all, apologies, but I don't know if we've met. Yeah, I met you and see the epigenger thing. Okay. I do remember Mark, the twin. Yeah. And then Stephen emailed me when this happened we had

a brief exchange and he said I met him in Costa Rica and Iowa and it's been so long Yeah I understand I understand If I can ask Do you know which brother Because it's been in the news that

Becker had terminal cancer Which is bullshit And it said Yeah that was probably because of me what happened was my phone cuts out so you just got to wait a couple seconds

if it goes dead but what happened was is that the police called me to verify the thing or whatever and the guy called after that

and it ended up being the news reported and it was the same look at number as the police so I answered and he said are you John Becker

brother of Matt that owns the club and I said yes and then he said he was reporter. I said, I don't have any comment, you know. And he said, why do you think, you know, it happened? I said, I don't know. I heard he had cancer. And I just hung up. Uh, yeah,

that was a bullshit. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know where it started, but, uh, that was a couple years ago. I'm sure he was spreading that rumor about himself and then it turned into something else and then something else. So I didn't know, you know, you know, you never told me. Becky just told me once a year or two ago about the time my mom died a couple years ago maybe and i just assumed it might have been true you know but i didn't know yeah that was the first time he went up to alaska armed and everyone thought he was going to kill himself because he had spread this terminal cancer rumor oh god uh and so she had at least had advanced notice that time to uh you know be alert and stay you know everyone up there uh so i didn't know if he kept in touch with any

family. No, he didn't really like us. I actually, when my mom died or something, I asked Becky, I asked, you know, did Matt ever talk about us or something? She asked me to get a number to sell Costa Rica or something. She wanted his phone number. I just said, what is wrong with Matt? Doesn't he even like us? And she said, he really never talked about his family, you know? Yeah, I heard from a friend. He's going to hard that his mother had died and he basically just pitched it away and didn't care. Yeah, he wanted the money, though.

Oh, I'm sure he did. He had an angle on everything. Yeah, what happened to him, do you think? Well, drugs? Yeah, he definitely did drugs, you know, up until the end. But, I mean, it wasn't like he was, I mean, he was functional. Yeah. But I'm sure when he moved down here, he didn't really seem to have a lot of options. He had burned every bridge in Alaska.

And then when he tried to play the same bullshit in a small town, it wore thin. And so he basically got himself into a paranoid corner where really no one other than the vagabonds who hung around that. bar. Yeah. He didn't really have anyone left and, you know, all his, you know, all that shit catches up to you. Oh, yeah. Well, I've lived a sordid life. I don't know how much you know about it. When's the last time you saw him? He was here to see when my dad died, I think. How long ago is that? Oh, these 10 years ago. Wow. Yeah, he would barely call me and it got to the point where he couldn't even talk on the phone. And he used to... to talk to my mom all the time on the phone

and she finally just told him, you know, a couple years ago, just don't call me anymore. I can't handle you. He was just so negative. And he said nasty shit to me and he was saying he was going to sue me for the estate and my mom's estate and stuff. I don't know. I just didn't understand him.

I didn't recognize him. Yeah, that's anyone, there was no one that was exempt from that in his life. If you were close to him at all, eventually he's going to turn on you, even if it's a short amount of time. Did I lose you? No, no, I'm just thinking. I just know that you took care of him in the early years, and you guys were so much going on then, and I just don't understand what he turned into.

I'm just glad my mom and dad weren't around for this. Yeah. Yeah, it was, uh, I see, it's still a lot to take in, because, I mean, I've, I've, really, he was a really... And it sounds like the phone cut out again. That's all right. I appreciate you calling, Doug. I wasn't sure if I had any, you know,

right to contact yet and how you felt. I know you're still close to Becky, and I knew you weren't close to Matt anymore. Well, no, I... What I was saying was that, regardless of that, Matt was still, like, a really fun guy if you didn't have to trust him.

If he didn't... If he wasn't involved in your daily situation, He had people believing still to this day since after he's dead that I owned that club just to give it credibility and it was like the most filthy, awful fucking bar ever. Only tweakers went in there.

That's what I heard. The more I've been listening and I've unfortunately been following some of the Facebook comments the first couple days and it was interesting to hear you know get a gist to what's really going on. Yeah, I think I think what's real is different for every person that was involved with him.

I can hear me. I can still hear you. The assumption you did have an ownership in that bar. Matt was telling me that. It just seemed like, you know, some of the comments also said that. Matt, Matt told you that. Matt did say that. Glad you weren't connected with him.

That's all. I'll wait. What? Yeah. Heather, Heather, Heather told me that he was bummed out. people thought that so he couldn't have something of his own but that was a fucking dog shit lie yeah keep my number and uh uh yeah and and try mint mobile for that phone okay they're a sponsor okay yeah excellent sounds good all right i appreciate you talking to me john yes thank you

guys. All right, thanks. Yep. He's great. I mean, I was saying a lot of the same things, but to hear from him and to hear that he's told his brother that I own or co-owned whatever.

So, first of all, that's where the terminal cancer thing came from. Becky said it randomly because that's what Becky heard because of all the people gossiping down here that Becker was going up there two years ago with a gun with terminal cancer, and we know that's him going up there at all is dangerous. We give Becky the complete fucking 911, because we know that Becker is not capable of this.

He's likely to do it. And we've known that for years. This isn't recent. This isn't, you know, people think, I hope I got this into the other one, but people think that I own that comedy club, To this day, still, people say, well, I thought you were the owner and they're saying that you're going to reopen it. That's the fucking gossip today still.

And that's from people that should know better. I can't tell you how many people have almost physically accosted in a safe way going. So you got that comedy club. Sorry I haven't visited your club down there. I don't have a fucking club. Do I have to write a letter to the editor? You think it was ghostwritten, you fucking have been fake. How did they let?

And I was bitching about that in the other episode of this episode of this podcast. And then I thought afterwards, if that many people have always thought or now think, still think that I own that club, a lot of them have now seen the national headline about Bizbee Comedy Club owner kills everybody or two people, one including, that think it's me. They think, oh, that guy, that comedian has that club, that Doug stand up, they just heard comedian Bisbee murder. And they go, oh, I don't remember his name, but he's dead now, I guess.

I guess he killed several people at a school to raise awareness for spina bifida. I don't know, terminal spine. You know what? I don't watch TV. That's what she says. I don't watch TV. I'll cover the last open mic in a minute, but when I was tripping. I'm just sitting in a living room, the spot between the kitchen and the front door.

I'm sitting where my work calendar, my dry erase calendar is. and of course I haven't done anything but yeah I was laughing so hard it was almost like one in the morning I remember looking at my watch or my yeah my watch I still wear one and you go it's 1254 but I was laughing so hard and it wasn't just this I did there was several going into it that were just

like howling and you know how that echoey at night kind of place I thought I'd even wake you guys guys up or a concerned neighbor. I was laughing so hard. But the last one was where I go, my dry erase calendar for 2026 is fucking wide open. It's like a essay for San Antonio on January 23rd. It's the only gig I've done this year. So the rest of my gig is wide open. And I was, the only reason I didn't do it is I, it wouldn't work backwards. And I needed someone to film me and no one would wake up no matter how hard I laughed. I was going to just talk about pan, here's the, that's the, that's the calendar say.

And I'm just like, hey, listen, I just want to hope everyone's having a great fucking St. Patrick's Day or whatever. We're going to start filling up the calendar soon. So, yeah, let me know where you'd like to see us on the road. And I just do it quick. But I had, I had the emphasis. calendar, but on that weekend, last weekend, I had brackets where I said big letters, Murder Becky.

It was funny. I just not, just, just wait for the first guy that forensically deconstructs your fucking video like they do. What do you read that for? What's you, you're still going to fuck you that brand? You fucking, and I, do you guys see? It says Murder Becky. There would be one guy.

that would find murder Becky. But if I did it backwards, they wouldn't see fucking red rum. No, Jacob. Someone was funny. So, yeah. Well, it's funnier to actually tell you the gag than not.

Yeah. Only have one person on Reddit, like spot the goof. And then... I was laughing my bulls up from a little bit of time. I was laughing. Because it was literally written down on the count. Yeah.

It was. It was on the calendar. All right, so we have the, again, we are flying in. We find out about the tried to kill Becky part first. They're still working on Romy, her dad, like he might have a shot. That's what we find out. And then we go to, from Guam, seven hours to Hawaii, Hawaii, five hours to San Francisco, San Francisco, two hours home.

And I'm not, not drinking, knowing the fucking Beckers on the lamp trying to fucking kill how many people I don't know. So by the time we got here, it's, I don't add up all those numbers of hours. hours plus two to Tucson and two from Tucson here. And I come in in that condition, I immediately start fucking defacing the door of his stupid club. Piece of shit. You know, Sharpie in the daylight.

No one would care. It was the whole front of the door is fucking just old flyers and graffiti anyway. Cared a lot. What? Who? The person who had to have. The gig here was. Yeah, some couple

came up and after I had written shit and gotten back into the car and then they walked up and it was like they were reading what I wrote and I go, do you have an issue with what I put? They go, yeah, we have a gig here tonight. Or coming up, coming up. That's right. Oh, because that was the text

that Gretchen Bonaducci showed us. That was her band. Yeah. Yeah, they had a gig there. She showed me the text messages they got from Becker when they said, hey, we'll see you, whatever day. He's like, it's not going to happen.

Sorry, shit happens. And they will, well, maybe another time. He signed off with death before dishonor. Yeah, that's right. That's what he wrote, death. A lot of creepy shit been happening. That's right. How fucking creepy is that?

What? That's exactly what he wrote. That's you and fell hell of my brother. That's right. So we go to the, the open micers got the keyes to do a last open mic. And they got the keys. They're going to fucking do a ceremonial for an open mic.

I don't think it was open to the public necessarily. No, it wasn't because they were keeping the door locked and vetting people as they came in. And I don't know how many people were as unhappy with Becker as I was. But I vented quite a bit from what I remember. And then I pissed into a taxidermied fucking weasel's mouth or a bore. I don't know what the fucking badger, a Wolverine, a muskrat. Chip-out. Could have been a muskrat?

I don't know. All I know is I was on that fucking hoarder's stage and the fucking thing was taxidermied looking back up at me and after a quick fuck you to Becker or whatever, I don't know. They have tape

and yeah, it pissed into that boar's mouth. It wasn't a boar. It was a fucking roared. It was a mormon. It was a marmint. Varmint. Yeah, not vermin.

Vermin is more like crawling. fucking mattress. It was a varmint. And it was, and I just, yeah. It was a hard stream for the record. It was wanting. It was a forced,

it was a first time on stage stream. I took notes, but you know, they're not coming back to me right now. So I guess you live streamed that or you just filmed it and put it out after you had time to think about it while I'm in a fucking dead blackout.

Yeah, we talked about it. I let you drive. That's how drunk I was. I let you drive from the airport. And I didn't, I wasn't even terrified. And you let me drive so you had no idea what was happening. They swiss fucking 20 hours of drinking in a row. Yeah.

So, so you, however you put it out. Yeah, I was Facebook. And I knew it was that mob mentality of, fucking, just sheer gnashing of teeth and fucking eating babies. Everything you expect on Epstein Island or that Bohemian Grove, you know, in your silly little boring fucking life where you imagine all these crazy people are fucking satanic and eating fucking babies and dogs and using children as condoms all they. Fuck half-bred, what's that? The island of Dr. Moreau. That's what I like to think. I like to think of Epstein-morphing little children with half-beast, Wolverine men.

And, yeah, I'm not an animal, but I am a sex slave. There you go. That's a little elephant man in your Epstein island. Thank you, drugs. I so so where am I in the story the

well yeah we yeah we trashed the place we grab some stuff I mean trashed the place not nearly as bad as the after party trashed my place and that means

there yeah there was like three dishes of pasta that they went through they couldn't find any food I've been on vacation I'm not stocked in the shelves so it's made whatever they could have just left it everywhere they trashed the fun

house worse than beggars place. Yeah, yeah. Way, yeah. There was no liquor again. Everyone was pretty fucked up. Like, it was a pretty strong event.

Yeah, yeah, and then so, yeah, so you said, well, here, here's the,

here's the, uh, here's the one Facebook thing. Okay, here it is. Here it is. If you live small, town, you know, this is why I will

fucking never go on there. If it's necessary, someone will see it and get it to me. But yeah, don't know. Don't send me this shit. Because, like, I will fucking,

see, I would interact and go, are you fucking, and I try to talk sensitive to this person. Here we go. Okay, she's linked. Did I say she you couldn't tell. She's linked this story about how

the news has said, Bisbee Arizona Chucklehead's owner found deceased following murder investigation. And so this lady says this man is dead and now a surviving victims can start

to heal. I have nothing good to say about him and he knew it. But I love people who really cared for him and I'm sorry for what they're having to through. You're sorry for people that are having to grieve a fucking cold, calculated, ugly fucking murderer. And then, after that, hard talk, Stanhope pissing on things that people I care for will have to clean up is just disgusting. And everyone who participated in that is a fucked up

piece of shit. Well, honey, we all have different ways to grieve. Yeah, that's, first of all, I pissed on something that I probably bought them from flea market. Yeah. It's probably my own.

Yeah. And for all the people that think I own this club, maybe it was my own. Maybe I still am a ghost owner. Maybe I didn't have to get the keys. Did you think about that? I magically got keys?

Yes. And I've magically been accused of being the owner of that fucking dump for the last 2019, seven years? Yeah. Maybe I have those keys in my fucking pocket right now. And we open after 2 a.m. Do you play poker, honey? Full house, baby.

People I know that I care for will have to clean up. First of all, who do you know that cleans bars that are closed permanently because a guy committed suicide after he murdered an 87-year-old man on his birthday. Please hold sugar. I'm waiting for an answer. who's cleaning that up that doesn't have a stake in what little money they think that fucking Becker had a lot of money

as easily as he sold that he has a this and that he tells people he has a ranch and it's like a lot it's with like a camper I don't even see a real camper like

yeah did you asked this because did you ask this people who are going to have to clean up that a tiny puddle of piss out of do you, when you clean out a hoarder's paradise

like that, do you actually go into the mouths of the taxidermied heads? Like, ah, hey, hit that with some windex before you do shots out of it. Do you know what a fucking muse you are for

comedy? And you think it's because you No, you're an idiot tit that makes these jokes easy. They had to clean that place up and you're fucking mortified. Do you know who also had to clean stuff up? Murder scene crime cleanup units had to clean up the brains and the fucking bowels of an 87-year-old man on his birthday. They were there with a dust pan and a brush. Happy birthday to you. I need bleach over here, Rachel.

I need to scrub out this. It's not coming out of shag carpet. He has shag carpet. Who has shag carpet? I guess he was 87 and it was his birthday. So there's, I don't know if we should squeegee the balloons, but blood splattered everywhere on those two. Are you happy with that?

You fucking cunt? No problem there Not a problem Post it on Facebook See it Safeway Don't leave your cabbage Unattended That wasn't in the script

Yeah No All right Other than that we found out a lot more people That probably knew some stuff And there's no going back at time Right? No need for those problems.

No. No need to start fights on Facebook when... No, no. Yeah, don't bring your Facebook fucking knife to a Patreon game. Let that shit go. Any more than it. I wanted to call her a rake. It's way better than a cunt.

A rake is way better. Didn't rake? She... Yeah. Nails on a chalkboard. It's way more deserving. Yeah. I don't know if there's anything else we need to cover.

Maybe we'll, I don't know. That might be, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that was the, well, no, they already heard the phone call. It's going to say, that's one of the most important parts is where he goes, yeah, no, Becker, his brother said. They're going to plug it in. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying.

I just realized that that. by just making sure that, like, yes, no, Becker is. Because someone else in the rumor mill is like, oh, yeah, one of the Becker apologists told me, yeah, you know, I go, but everyone in town, I thought that was my club or I had part ownership in it or owned it outright. And she goes, yeah, it had always hurt Matt that he finally did something on his own. And you're getting the credit still. I'm like, he tells everybody who'll listen that I own that club.

If they know who I am, you're like, yeah, you'll probably be it in a minute. He would tell people this. That's why I always had to constantly fucking insult people. I don't own that club. Tell anyone who'll listen. I've never had anything to do. And this was, I even did this after we broke up his friends. After the, we got the fucking Watergate tapes of how much he hates us and what pieces of shit we are that he's telling to his

wife to try to turn him on it, her on us. And, yeah, after that, I, you know, I want nothing to do with you. We'll be civil in public. I'll still open your club. So when I opened his club, that was

2019. I just saw, like, when I searched the Facebook for for Becker, I was looking for that is what I was looking for. But I found his opening was, I think, April 2019. So I, I, I did that in the, like, it's, he still, he's like a fucking boogeyman because he was so fucking,

when, if he turned on you, he was the most dangerous person I know. More so than I'm ever been afraid of Chad Shank, because Chad Scheng would just hit you and leave. Becker would like, he'd like, like, figure out how to get in your bank accounts and shit. Like all the, like the hacker stuff, like that's my hacker file. Like, I don't ever want to have to talk to you because. Anyway, yeah, that was, go ahead. Do you want to talk to the motive in terms of why Beacon's father was targeted and stuff like that? You can't know, I can't imagine, well, I can imagine Matt being as calculated as to do it on his birthday, but as slip shot as it seemed, no.

I think it was an accident that it was his birthday, but this is all fucking small town murder, fucking radio speculation, but he tried to kill her first and he failed. I don't know that he would have, did he know that he failed? Did he think he shot? We don't,

we need to hear that from police or something. Yeah. I don't know. Like, would you fucking give up on the gold and go for silver? or would you keep on chasing the goal? Would you go again? I wonder, was the idea to kill Becky on his birthday

as a fuck you to him for hiring a lawyer and murder of divorce and everything? Oh, was that what you presume? I don't know who I heard that from, but that's what I, the mother- Well, of course he's going to fucking, like, he hates her, he's going to hate him. They were two of the most adorable fucking elf people that I've ever met, and we've known them for years. They've been like best friends. This is like, we've been.

naked and more tubs with her than yeah thankfully not her dad yeah but I heard that he was the one who hired a lawyer so maybe that was why he took it out of him

specifically no idea but again an 87 year old man and you know where he lives and through the glass he probably fucking threw pebbles at the glass

like a fucking teenage fucking quarter tink ooh maybe it's my who's my 87 year old date? No, bam! Yeah, fuck. You got me.

Yeah, I think it should probably be some kind of like trigger warnings in case Becky ever watches this. But no, Becky would be right beside us making the same fucking jokes. Probably better craft. it even.

She would be crafted, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Oh, you know what? Let's clap this out. What were you at? About 48 minutes, 52? An hour five? Hour five. How about it? We're going to clap out about it. Bingo and I are going to play a game.

Are you ready to play? Yeah. Can I say something on those burgers? I am yawning because I'm on mushrooms. And I apologize. The yon, should we clap? What? No, no, no.

What? I know. So I'll cut to that as well. I have to just, um. Oh, Bigga's tripping her balls off. Yeah, I am. Sorry, uh, yawning early on. Yeah, it's the mushroom.

Yeah, that's how I know when my, yeah, that's one thing I know for myself. It's exactly the mushroom yawns. I like, oh. I should probably, I'm going to save this. Oh, it's going to be fun. Yeah. Mushrooms. I know, but if I can't, I couldn't play it with you.

Why? Because, like, if we put it out there, people who already know who I know. Here's the game. I know, but you're way too high, I think. No, I'm ready. I want to go. All right, here's the game. It's the death game.

It's just, like, in the 20 years we've been together, we're going to go back and forth name for name with someone that we both knew by name that's died since we've been together. No, no, no, no, no, hang out. I know my first person. Can you please pipe down and let me explain the rules because it's important.

Hey, we're going to clap this. No, no, all right. Well, let's clap you might keep it in. I don't know my first person. If I can win, you have to go back and forth. will you please put your hand down. Remember the last podcast that sober one where she goes, I'm on mushrooms, I'm not going to say a word.

I have no idea. And she's like, I'm really so much. I do not have one person in my mind right now. All right. So honestly, let's save this game because it's fun to go back and forth until someone can't think of one in it.

We have to have an allotted amount of time. And it's, It can't be practicing. Like, Hattigan, Chaley. Like, they've all been around for as long as we've been around. But they would kill me at this game. But I would crush hers. My memory is bad.

Maybe you get like a chest on or something. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, no, I don't want to burn out names right now because. No, I just have one. I have one. That will win the whole game. All right, you want to play?

Yeah, all right. I only have one. I will say Romy, Becky's dad. We'll go. No. There's someone taking... I only have one name that will win everything. No, you have to, you go until you can't think of anyone that...

I'm going to take my shades off. Wow. I don't have anything to write it on. You don't need anything to write on. Me and you. okay I got one ding

go ahead I said I said uh roam me Becky's dead okay do I say

my name go ahead Brody Stevens Brody Stevens okay ding I almost fucking slipped on the banana peel

oh we also did make up that rule you get three mistakes before three strikes and you're out and the mistake

could be you don't know their name he can't say the fucking guy with the bridge can you just no just shut the fuck up I'm trying to you are never invited on this podcast if the only reason Chad Chang I didn't even call him

it's because not twice in a week you don't fucking bother Chad's Hank twice in a week I'll get you on mushrooms there's a megaphone under there if you want to interrupt this even more okay so yeah so your mistakes you can't You can't, you have to know their name.

And we both had to know each other. You can't just say, oh, wait, no, that's your friend, never met him, huh? Yeah, yeah. So three of those, and you're out. Okay. Whiskey girl. Hey, that's not fair. Go on.

Ronnie Putnam. Then, nowhere, man. That's mine. No. Listen, we're going back and forth. I found you dead. Take the easy one. while it's hot because...

Oh, I'm gonna be bad to play with... You can't think of anyone who's died that we both knew in the last 20 years? Yes. Um... John Denver. That's one of your strikes. I'm getting nervous.

I think... Do-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-d-d-d-d-. Oh, whoa! Oh, no. No. That's your second strike. No. Womber.

Margo. Okay, good. Mother. And back to you. I'm getting a freaked out nurse. I'm at, I'm a... Do, do, do, do, do... Mother.

...bub. So, I'm bad. I'm bad. I... All right. You struck out. I have one with four easy ones, but that'll be the game. We'll do that game again.

Next time I'm with someone that's... wait Derek says we've known each other 20 years yes but I am not done but I know yeah that would be harder with Derek because I would have to know the person to I'm getting nervous okay we're wrapping up honey

I'm getting nervous don't be the girl that starts talking at the end of the show wasn't that close I'm sorry she's not usually like this but you know she is She always has always like this. I feel miserly. I am going...

I just want you to know. I tipped extra for you because of my wife. Well, I don't get part of that. You ruin the show. Why did you tip the waitress and fucking... No, I did very badly. Thank you. Oh, no, no.

I'm talking about another hypothetical situation that's not kind of balancing, mirroring this current situation. Now where I meant from me. He's mine. I found him dead in... Should have picked him early in the draft. Honey.

He was dead in front of me. Not fair. It's not fair. Why? I was a little bit. When I first started comedy, like 11 years ago in Phoenix, Arizona, me and my buddy, Matt Becker would go out after shows

and we'd cruise all the skanky hookers down on Band Bureau Van Buren's a street. If you're ever in Phoenix and you need a skanky hooker, Van Buren, and then he'd double back on Washington. Well, anyway, we're cruising, okay, and we weren't buying at the time. We just go and get really licked up and no one would fuck us, so we go take it out on them, and we heckle them and yell shit out the window and whatnot. But one night, we're back in a U-turn on Van Buren in front of what had to be the ugliest prostitute we'd ever seen in our lives. So we had to look, you know, and as soon as we slowed the car down to look, she just jumped right for the door, and she opened the door, and she shoved her way in, and she's had some opening presentation where she had a gun or someone had a gun, so hurry up and drive, or someone's chasing me. All I know is we're scared shitless, and we start driving, and she turns to me and Matt, and she goes, I thuck both your dicks for $15.

Now when she first got in the car, me and Matt may have thought she was really a guy. But $15. Looks like a girl to me. Look like a girl to you. What a lovely young lady we have here. And before I could even answer her, she pulled my dick out and started blowing me, which is a good way to close a deal in any line of work. That spell sold right there, no matter what you know.

for a living. So I give her the 15 bucks out of my pocket and she takes us down all these little side streets and we get to a dead end. We're in a really dark residential area and we're in a Jeep too. So I'm having to sit up in the hump of the Jeep in between the seats. Matt's sitting right here waiting his turn. She's going to work and me and Matt are just trying not to laugh. Because any time you're getting a blowjob that close to your best friend, your tendency is to chuckle a little bit. But I have my dick in the mouth of a very ugly, angry crack whore right now. I don't want to bust up laughing.

I don't want to be the reason she snaps and bites down. So I'm trying to be cool. I know it's been a huge mistake of my life. And at that point, I felt her fucking around in my back pocket. And all I said was, hey, what are you doing? And she goes, I didn't touch your wallet. Why are you choosing me to take your wallet? I don't know where your wallet is.

I'm like, oh, fuck. And she reaches down, she goes, here's your wallet's on the floor. And there was a $50 bill. That's all that was in my wallet is gone. So I go, where's my fucking money? I'm trying to be a big tough guy, right? I go, where's my fucking money?

She goes, I ain't got your money. I said, give me my $50. And she grabbed me by the hair and slammed me in the bat so hard. That went right out the driver's side of the jeep. I picked up on the roll bar, I kicked her in the hand as hard as I could, and she just got pissed. And at that point, any illusion that this is really a chick,

I've gone right out the fucking window. That dream is over, kids. You can sober up and lose your bonus now. So I jump out on the driver's side. She gets out on the passenger side, and I don't have any idea where I even had the balls to try this, but I still have my wallet in my hand. And it's dark enough. It's pitch black outside.

So I come up from the other side of the Jeep, and I go, give me my money or I'll blow your fucking head off. And she believed me. Which scared the shit out of me even more because she still wouldn't give me my money, but she thought I would have a gun to her head. I can't pull the trigger. And I'm hoping Matt will jump in

with a little good cop, bad cop over here. Come on, fucking help me out, man. Don't make him do it again. He is crazy! He kills all the hookers, skim of his money, or something. Fucking match running around, all punched, drunken, retarded. Like, he just found out he's adopted. I'm looking at the car and got him in a car.

And we'd call ass out of there. And at first, we're incredibly pissed because we've been completely stripped of all our pride. Should we go back and run her over with the car? I don't fucking know. We could hit her in the head with a tire jack? I'm good! Finally, we cut our losses and we drive home.

And it might have been the most silent drive home of my entire life. We get about a mile from the house, and finally, Matt looks over at me and he goes, it's in line to get your dick sucked by a guy. How about that? Where's my 750?