The Doug Stanhope Podcast - *New Episode* Death by Yoga/Australia

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

The boys check in with Chad after their grueling 3-week, 4-show tour of Australia, while Chad spent his time at home massaging blood clots Get a completely free hat @birddogs with code STANHOPE at https://www.birddogs.com/STANHOPESupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey bird dogs again, I can't get enough of bird dogs Uncomfortable clothes suck make a change and switch to bird dogs the stretch khaki pants are so comfortable You're never gonna want to take them off and I never want to take off my clothes even when I shower So they're great because you can dress up or dress down for any occasion with the stretch khakis. They're made from athleisure fabric. You know what athleisure fabric is? You're about to find out. So you look sharp and you look polished. Their new quarter zips are worth a feel too. They're super soft, have a built-in liner. Liner? That's not a panty liner. I think that's for your balls and they look crisp and classy That's right. I can wear them on a plane where I still want to dress up in my vintage

Wear but look like I'm wearing a nice pair of khaki colored vintage pants, but no they're They allow my big bloated alcoholic belly to stretch out and people don't know there's no belt there, there's just Bird Dogs. No matter what's on your schedule, you'll fit the dress code wearing Bird Dogs. For a limited time, our listeners get a free hat with any order when you use code Stan Hope at Bird Dogs

dot com get this hat this one completely free when you use code Stan Hope at Bird Dogs dot com support the show and let them know we sent you we've kind of agreed that all right you're gonna like stay home and we're gonna go and do all this stupid shit and then we'll come home and tell you about it. That's like the working template for the podcast, but otherwise it would seem like you're just making shit up because you couldn't go to Slab City because you had a fucking hand in it.

I thought about that on the way over here. I was like, I might be bunch housing myself by proxy because I don't want to go anywhere. You write a war zone an active war zone on a piece of paper and we'll see that we get you there for one last go around. Yeah maybe they uh there's a you can find uh google some medical tourism that we can go to a spot that will treat your blood clots because the VA won't. Oh shit, they got the wrong memo. Chad's a lady boy now. Did they go away?

Yeah, your body will eat it or absorb it or, but I mean it's still, they'll give you blood thinner so you don't get new ones, but it doesn't do anything to the existing ones. And they can. So I'm just waiting for this to if you if we were dislodging oh fuck I've been yeah I've been doing a lot of yoga yeah exercise I promise my family I wouldn't kill myself I never promised I wouldn't Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the greatest suicide ever. Yeah, yeah. Old man. Delaney would have had to just accept my drowning.

It's like she's mad about the war zone, but she's like, he turned his back on the ocean and got swept out by a fast current. What a dick. That was, yeah, that was the most fun. We had a grueling, a three week, four show tour. Yeah. You guys were over for a while. I got injured after the first show. It was a day drinking show and I blacked out, got blackout drunk and apparently it's well, I vomited on the on the rail

of the hotel which is it just goes down to another deck and another deck so that's that sushi traveled yeah well you're on the 21st floor and he threw up I woke up in the morning and the the balcony is as long as this room which is that's 18 feet or so maybe sat down but still there was there was a bright red but then splatter like fucking cold case files fucking vomit splattered down though so he puked it well yeah yeah oh he was trying to run to the other end of the balcony no it couldn't have been easier to get to the

balcony than the bathroom so you had to fucking try to Dislodge that fucking door that I was actually using it as a wall I can take your chair the only thing that makes sense to me It was a feeble suicide attempt and I hit my belly on the rail and that will dislodge my food The food was worth your up for the record. They're fucking, at least five, six, seven times we ate sushi. And the fucking tuna sushi is the same sushi that you get next door at Subway. It's tuna mani, it's like a tuna sandwich.

Oh my God. Yeah, on rice. And they put fried chicken on fucking rice and shit that's the only raw fish they had anywhere was salmon. Yeah, I'm not saying I got a sensitive stomach, but that restaurant did. It may be cancer too, but it was probably the food. Why, I don't understand why the seafood would be, isn't it like on the island? Yeah, yeah.

Like you shouldn't be. Because people don't like it. Yeah just people don't like it yeah they think all right put whatever they like on it I'm surprised they didn't have fucking McDonald's on beef they have fucking beef beef on fucking rice it's just shit on rice you can't call that sushi my theory is is the English control that island so they take all the fish for their fucking fish and chips and leave all the fucking garbage food for the Aussies and they call it Vegemite. I don't know how drunk you were we try to but we don't know what we're doing exactly for our show like we kind of mix it up and bring up maybe we do the special guest thing

occasionally where you find out there's a comic that's hanging around the back of the room and the club owner gives you the high side and you just introduce them without them knowing they're going on stage right now so we did that and Andy and I would go up and fuck around. I'd just go up and at first bring up the special guest if we got one, and then bring up Andy, and then just wait till Andy goes, oh fuck, I don't know. Andy forgot his fucking act.

He remembered his passport, he forgot his notes. They're both fresh going on to this fucking tour, and Bingo sent him some pictures of his notes and half of them were my notes I don't know how my notes got mixed up in his notes I mean stealing someone's act is one thing. Imagine how surprised you are when you're up on stage with him when he starts doing your notes. Once a comic gets on stage and does it it's there so you get to the notes you beat them to the punch lines. No it's it's what's who whoever makes it viral back in our day when there was only

11 comedians but yeah so yeah he forgot his shit and then we were gonna like oh yeah we had made posters that had Junior Stopka like Junior Stopka is doing like two runs on this this year and he has Junior Stopka with Australian dates and it's me and Junior Stopka in the back seat of a convertible or but I like why is Junior on this and he goes I'll go change him. But we had decided that, let's just do meet and greet for top tier Patreon people and then they get a free poster.

But Andy was so fucked by that point. He's already out in the lobby trying to sell posters. And I'm like, this is not what we have. No, I never went through the lobby. Signed up Junior's top his name on them. Yeah. I wasn't meeting and greeting people. No, I never went to the lobby side of junior's top his name on I wasn't meeting and but here's the thing is and meeting and greeting people I mean, I'm not you I don't know we had some issues with Andy people and we and I had one of them immediately It's like big fans showed me still and then goes hey man

Do you want advice some like like but he used to turn by Like that's not how this works So small time listener Deal of the century I'm such a fan it the deal of the century. I'm such a fan. It's a day drinking show. I mean, I love them. It was, I got an email from a guy saying, hey, I'm coming to your Brisbane show.

I'm not supposed to be there because I'm on probation. It's a long story. And then he proceeds to tell me most of it in the email. But I'm not supposed to be in any establishment that serves alcohol And I go out on stage to open that I fucking directly second row Guy in a death death of a salesman t-shirt and I'm like That's gonna be the fucking guy and I'm like, did you email me? Yeah, I'm not gonna say a word till this is over with the other way and then he chatted with me as a Andy's

I don't know. He was doing Andy and posters. No, I didn't have That was the oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I just like I'm a my meet-and-greet. There's no line. There's no fucking Yeah rhyme a reason we haven't thought this through and I'm people are just waiting right as I'm going out the fucking curtain and they're hello hello yeah I guess so I talked to the guy and his friend I'm not gonna say I'll talk I'll talk about it on a podcast when you're safely out of here few guys later a guy comes up and he goes, Hi, my name's whatever. I'm the guy that broke my probation to be here.

I'm like, that cocksucker's stolen Valor. He just took full credit, just nodded at whatever I said. And then he was gone before I could fucking call him out. Oh, that's funny. He emailed you something stupid and you're like, did you know what they email me? I got so far off of well you you you recommended to drop Twitter on my device or whatever so I found out later that hey yeah there's this guy I asked for weed right out of the gate

because Australia is ruled by a monarchy and they don't have fucking weed available for people they if you want I've never seen a fucking like where even after a show as After talking about it. Some people would have spliffs. They would roll up, you know, they roll it tobacco Yes And so so if you want to get weed you got to get a medical card and then you got to order it And then you have to sit around your house all day waiting for it if you leave then the weed goes back to the store so I was having when they say no

worries there it just sort of felt like they were mocking me because I was like you have weed no no no no no we just sell papers no worries no I need a sativa did you get it I see I don't know how things work I don't know if you got my text message because somebody on reddit said hey I got weed for Andy at Melbourne if he wants it and then I saw it like within like five minutes of him posting it I got on the reddit and saw it so I said hey I'm not there but I think I can safely answer for him yes please. Yeah.aged I was like I was hoping I walked in front of was it the new cast one of the venues that I make they was the last one I forget Mel Melvin

yeah when and a guy on the sidewalk had he was like fan. Like I've never run into, you know, super fan of me. I've seen it through Doug's lens, you know, somebody get all, I can't believe I'm meeting you. And it's like, yeah, you know, I'll take the week now, you know, he's holding on. Well, I thought you'd been a guy who tried to sell you soup. Yeah, like, well, I mean, when people went, well, I wouldn't even say super fan, but when they get emotional or they they keep you know, they act like they're in the presence of you know, like the Pope or something. I'm not the Pope that guy's above everybody.

Well, first of all, we were up there. But yeah, our big to do on this was going to be doing ayahuasca at the end of the tour Well, we're all set to do that and then our shaman That he would even say with a wink and a fucking nod He heard the bit he goes I can hook up that Yeah, I don't want to do ayahuasca in a mud hut in Peru I want to do it in a hill with a terry cloth bath rub that whole thing He goes yeah, I heard that bit I can set that up for you he's a comic and he's been here he's been to Bisbee

before. Nick Sonner. Yeah probably yeah. He wrote a book about it. He did write a book about it but yeah he said that you really need to be sober for 10 days minimum 10 days to two weeks And I'm like, all right, that's that's all our shows. We'd have to do sober That's yeah half our act comes out of the fucking bottle. So We had to decline But and we even stayed so we were for two days but we weren't the place we were gonna do ayahuasca was the place we ended up staying on the above the beach like and then I think it would I think I would have leaked off of a balcony at the first first sign of butterflies and happiness on the aisle. It's just I know disrespect and was we knew that going in that one of the selling points is we had the comedy condo for free

For all the time we're in Brisbane and it's just really Usually it's funny to me, but that place is just so brutally depressing It's it's a sandwiched in between buildings and it's just gray all the time. The sun occasionally will come in and then it's just to bother you when you're trying to see. You had our best, probably our best wildlife sighting. What do you see? A ring-tailed possum on the fence between us and the neighbors. But so the TV is shit. You get basic cable uh it's not smart tv so we had one world movies we kept it on because there's no commercials really to speak of and it's just

shit fucking movies and a lot of uh like semi-lesbian movies that would be like a lesbian yeah like it would keep you interested like you're on the edge of lesbians seen much Yeah, they push their tits up against and kiss and then it's like, okay now here we you know, yeah next next day She's dating like She watch often look alike So they were kind enough to bring us one of their TVs that they weren't using from their shack over but four days Which is shit TV we have Hitler to have a we have World War two on one TV And let's beat soft lesbian on another and we were like, okay

We're gonna come up with a game plan for our shows and time That was the only thing that moved the time Shit, we just shuffle around get a snack shit we just shuffle around get a snack. But no yeah it's a four days still till our first show I try to memorize it now and then I'll forget it and then they go I was waiting for my notes from bingo. Bingo hang on explain that yeah Bingo sent us both off you know how she has projects she sent us both off with trinket bags. For each day, there was a card with a puzzle on it that you had to figure out.

Kind of like the bottle cap things, kind of like that. And you had to figure out the puzzle and there's a hint and inside there's a feather of course. And then there's a crossword puzzle folded up. You could do the crossword puzzle. And then there was liquid IVs, way too many liquid IVs because we didn't have that much water. There was one for every day if you needed it. Yeah but we didn't have the water.

Oh okay. One of those liquid IVs is like fills a gallon and we were drinking black pints too. So yeah and we'd never get around to most of them so we hit them around the condo because you know like Andy you know looking for drugs so they're gonna get little bingo. That's great. And he had capsules. The capsules that have inside, Andy actually because there's a little piece of paper rolled up in the capsule and it says would you rather you know have you know an ass for a mouth or a dick for a ass or whatever but there was so hard to get out that Andy had tried to chew it out and I don't know swallowing.

I swallowed half a capsule with the would you rather so I would rather swallow the capsule than finish the puzzle. You didn't have any choice on that one. You just did whatever was left. I guess I have a dick for an ass now. Would you rather do the puzzle or shit it out? So yeah, well, the point is that it's a two-bedroom condo, but there's no TVs in the bedroom. So it's almost and we're right connected and the bathroom, it was right in front of Andy's

face so he's sleeping with the door open so he'd feel bad if you have to take it. So every night where he'd be asleep before we got the good TV with Netflix and shit we just sit there and once that TV came in we go that couch is a pullout yeah I think I think that's a Alex planted the we've Alex planted up every night yeah Alex planted the homosexual idea he said I'm surprised you haven't pulled out that and then oh we could pull that out yeah and then it was like it was like the old day bed they had here which is pillows and yeah we do we didn't do much more than just lay around watching TV yeah I realized we can fucking now we have some days together in a angry pullout bed I'm booking

hotels for the tour right now I'm'm like, yeah, so you're not going to complain about a fucking king size of our share. Yeah, yeah. Junior's on the pullout. I have a question though because I'm not sure I understand. How many days ahead of your first show did you go there to just do nothing? Well, if you had... I rode a scooter. Down in the flight in just two days. Yeah. I rode a scooter. Down in the flight in just two days. Yeah. We left on the 14th to arrive on the 16th and our first show was on the 22nd.

And then our next show was on the 26th. And then we had a show on the 1st. So from the 16th to the 22nd you were in a scooter? I rode that was a month. I went to... It's not at all. I would say this is true. I was in more danger riding that scooter in Australia than I was in the front line firing on the Russkies because I didn't know everything's opposite.

You're riding, you know, it's just like your brain's telling you you're doing shit wrong and that scooter is pretty telling you have four wheels. Yeah. Yeah. My brain's telling me I got high. I like to get high before riding a scooter. So it was always amazing to me that the helmet would, oh, okay, the helmet release and they're letting me on this thing. But they're, yeah, they're not for mixing with traffic.

I love that. I think I could burn your line because what we're going to hear is like, well, some states, he said, yeah, I have a, I smoke weed, it's medicinal, I smoke it before the show and then once again after the show. And the rest

of the day I'm smoking at recreation. That's accurate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's the only time I desperately needed it. I'm getting to learn his act, because that was always the... One of the things when we get up on stage together, I used to always do that when I'd

followed him, and I know his act, but he'd like fuck it up and he'd add three new punch lines but forget the front legs. Forget the good one. No idea what he's talking about. So I'd just go up and he'd add three new punchlines but forget the good one. So I just go up and go no Andy this is how you're I do his bit he just did I do it correctly so now I have to learn his new act so yeah yeah a bit more of that. You and him both. Yeah I got some beat we got we worked out some beats. But we did like Brisbane uh I've been there and uh but

Newcastle was the one that we did that we've never been well finally Sydney god damn that fucking weed you were smoking out the kitchen last night that's the stuff it gets me fucking That's the stuff. That's me fucking so high against my will. Sydney, Sydney's in like one of those like improvs here. It's kind of an adult destination, entertainment district, but was off night. So it was empty and they had El Camino Cantina downstairs. It was the one thing I could see that was open we could

maybe sneak in early we got it's a fucking 730 show yeah it was like a block from where the club was and then you go into family fun zone with you know a bar yeah we're an hour before they even open the doors to seat so are like two and a half hours early and there's already two guys in the fucking lobby area going, I brought you a tie. I can't fucking believe this. Yeah, it said on the schedule we're going to be here. Later. Much later.

Yeah, yeah. later yeah yeah hey are you not at this hour so so we go down to Elgin it was the cheesiest like I haven't seen what Los Enchiladas by Hedberg's Mexican restaurant movie when when we're in Key West, do you expect to hear certain music? There you were hearing shit. It's like, wow, it's like you walked into the shittiest bar in America and they're playing that. This was like a fucking whatever, a Simpsons or South Park, like over the top recreation of a silly Mexican restaurant. Like, you know how the Senate's bring over Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving decorations

and she puts it on every fucking, people need to put their drink down there. Why are you putting, they had giant sombreros on every single seat and this stupid, fucking the chaneiest chain restaurant. I don't know if it is a chain, but rainbow-y, like fucking, like you had to put it on

or like bring it out to your car because your entire table is taken out and the entire restaurant, the bar seats, everything. And of course there's people that are going to the show. And I'm like, I fucking he bailed. Yeah, it was such a horrible place that I left and thought I had my you know, my directions, sense of direction sucks. So I walked out into this family strip mall or different laser tag businesses and shit, and immediately get get lost and I can't find

the club and have no words like what how the fuck did this happen because I think it was just down around the corner. Well left and right are different. But if you're if you're looking for a built-in family you know single moms and kids around. Let me just get a fucking taco and a margarita and we'll go and then the $24 margaritas and I'm looking at them and you can see they're just sugar bowls. They're like giant heavy glasses but very little liquid and you can see it's all fucking sugar and I'm like alright I'm gonna get a cider, he got a beer and he was off, he came

back. and he was off he came back and then we each get a a la carte taco and it was it was the most repulsive I said this is a yeah would you know I might recreate this on the road but whatever you you have footage of it yeah but it was absolutely the fucking worst. And then there's, of course, people there that are coming to the show and they're like, because we're like, I guess we have to take a picture. I didn't know he had gotten footage of the place.

I was picturing you all wearing sombrero. No, we didn't. I didn't have this mustache. No, no, no. You can't do both. Yeah. You know, they do one or the other no. You can't do both. Yeah. You can only do one or the other or it's illegal I think.

Yeah. No, if I wear that sombrero and this mustache I might get deported out of Austria and America. I'll call I saw you, you wear both of those. Maybe I should wear, I gotta go get my, I'd like to go over and get some pills and then get my teeth cleaned but if I wear this mustache and'll put that maybe they won't let me back in. I said no amigo you can't come back here. These Americans. I don't think they're letting people go get their teeth cleaned anymore.

What's weird is the lack of response for the amount of people I met down there. That was my opening bit that you just saw. And you're like, no one's responding. Like, I know I met at least eight people that must not think there's anything wrong with that Mexican experience. So you just let me hang it. I had to point that lady out. Like you were there. Why are you just fucking looking at me like that? So, okay. Oh, shit. My favorite start to a show was Brisbane at the Sit Down Comedy Club

because we got to watch the audience. We sat in the back and we watched the audience fill. So, and Doug went up and he started in on the audience. Like, I didn't know we've been watching you. I feel like we have an advantage on you because the green room back there has a fucking 65, 70 inch TV screen of all of you. So for the last hour, we've just been doing crowd work

at your expense without you hearing it. Fucking with you, you text like a 13-year-old girl. Your fucking thumbs go mad. You scratch your beard over the ranch dressing and double dip. It's fucking disgusting. The Hanes are here. I'm not gonna point one guy out

who's wearing one of our T-shirts, but are you? Did you email me? Ha ha ha ha ha. I'll say nothing it was I love those emails it's a long story that I'll tell on a podcast once he's free and clear this place I'm sorry we good like yeah but it was like I'm cheating you here cuz we get to watch you it's we could write I could have had a writer yeah if you're a crowd wrapped guy like Bill Maher would do like all right okay do you watch a crowd okay okay and that's the guy in the suit there you get a free bowl of soup with that this is on the teleprompter right and Bill Maher yeah yeah it

would be the best if you're a crowd wrapped you you could just sit there and go, okay, what's this? There was a lady with big tits, big giant tits, it was on the edge of the screen. So you see the cleavage and one kid occasionally. I never and I forgot to look. The fucking Newcastle was I guess that, that's the smallest city so obviously and I've never been there. So that was great and it was a really small club, like 80 seats, which is fucking everything. The money was all the same. I would go, that's five too many, throw five people, like 75 is a good number. But we did the surprise guest there too and to him Luke Dillon was the second one. But the first one. Mitch.

Mitch. Yeah. They gave us a list of three names and we both picked Mitch because his best friend growing up, Mitch and Hedberg of course. And he went up, he had ditched, his mother is dying of cancer in a hospice and he left to go see the show. And then he's gonna get called out. Oh yes, that's fucking great. Yeah, he had a, he actually taught me a lot. So he had some material that he just left hospice. He didn't address that, I found that out from one of his friends.

It's great he's dead. And they told me his mom's dying of cancer in the hospital. When you're younger like that. Did we mention our tiny little... No, that was the fucking scary one. Because again, I'm doing this fucking blind. And that was Sydney. No, yeah, that was Sydney no yeah that was Sydney so and the managers very late like maybe we don't do this tonight because he hasn't come back he's a big club yeah and so he came back I go he's I get this one guy and he showed me a

I got on his phone I got default default photo. He looked like Vasil from Ukraine. He's a very hairy, like Bob Dylan-y looking guy. You know, like, yeah, but his name was Eman Double A's Hodgchidi, H-A-D-C-H-I-T-I. I'm like, eh, you know what? That's easier to remember than Peter James, who was on the first show. Like, that could be Paul Jones. I was like, yeah, you know what? That's easier to remember than Peter James, who's on the first show. Like, that could be Paul Jones.

I'm like, I'm not gonna fuck up. Iman double A Hadachiti. Unless I'm sneezing. You still might get it right. No. So, special guest is special because I don't know who he is and he has no idea. I'm about to say his name, bring up Iman Hachidi.

And then I see a scamper and I'm like, is there a flight of ramp that's going up? What the fuck? And this guy, then he gets to the stage and I'm honestly freaked out. He's three foot six. And a proportionate three foot six. Yeah, yeah. Like a mannequin. Like a child mannequin. Yeah, that's like the island of Dr. Merrill. Yeah. That's fucking scary.

And then he's crawling up on the stage. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know how to help you. And even after the show with, let's get pictures. Yeah. Like, do I pick you up? I don't know how to do this. He goes, no, you come to me. And he grabs a chair, he crawls up on his chair. He was fucking adorable and funny and just, yeah.

Like, kind of cranky and caustic that you want out of someone in a good way. Yeah. If you're going to grant me three wishes, I don't want it to be... I was in the back there. I just heard Doug talking, oh, yo, you're a little person, or however he said it. And I couldn't see, I couldn't get around to see him. I think I said, oh, fuck.

Fuck! I didn't want to pump my head out and look at him. So he comes around the curtain and I'm waiting to see, I'm thinking it's gonna be a little door for a little, little, and it is, it's like a perfect, it's just like a shrunken little person. And he's on stairs. He's warning people in the elevator, Doug, watch your step, don't step down on,

like it's a pet. He uh, yes, I have spatial awareness. Yeah. And then he must have had to clamor through that dark room too because I thought about. Yeah, no, I could see a something running this big. That's why I thought it was a ramp. You think they would have picked him up and crowd surfed him up there. That would have been the best. That's why I thought there was a ramp that I must've gone through. You think they would've picked him up and crowdsurfed him up there? That would've been the best one.

We were driving back from that gig at a night, it's a two hour drive, and I go, hey, if you guys want to jump on my fantasy bandwagon, I'm thinking of all the weird shit we could do with that guy if we brought him home and just hidden camera shit and Charlie with his haunted host stuff. You could make that guy look like a half man, half monkey. You could put him in the- And just get teeth in him, and ah! Are there any retails?

Ah! Can't help it, can't help it! You could just put a long shirt on him and put it next to some legs, and then the other top part could get up and jingy! The tail, I had a picture of it. I worked from the monkey backwards. Like when you see a monkey in a dress and the tail's sticking out.

I'm like, all right, let's start with that as a template. He's just busy chatting and not enjoying what was going on. Organs grinder to zombie. Yeah, you're going to get a pay raise, but you're going gonna be doing some things that you probably don't wanna do. How do you feel about dressing up like a monkey for an orange diamond? Well. For $100. We're gonna put you on our friend Chad's shoulder.

We were having a... His Nick son was there. The guy that was the shaman for a while, and now he's back to a comedy He's like six foot something and bushy haired half. What is he? Yeah, yeah, go or we get her bongo He'd lose his shaman license for having that guy come out to have carry around the few bucket or whatever Little fucking you bond on his shoulder,

looking the same bushy fucking hands. Yeah, I swear. If you did it, just if you did. Oh, let's pranks. Just one episode. Like once limited season of just fucking a monotone hot, shitty pranks. How do we how do we get him to destroy?

How do we get him to where Aaron Rodgers does ayahuasca? Have him come out and dress like a native? Oh yeah, that's what I was joking about. You guys need to hook up. You're your salmon and he'll be the bad devil on one shoulder. You should probably put out an advertisement for an American midget because there's probably some sort of midget tariff to get that one over here. It'll probably be a costly... Guinness Book of World Records as the smallest full-time comedian. He's got a Guinness book.

Oh really? Oh shit. Yeah. Yeah, that is three something small. Three-six. Yeah, that's high. And proportionate. It's not, he's not a dwarf. He's a good thing. And he's not been in movies?

Yes, he's been in some shit. Yeah, he's come out of some lamps. If that's what you mean. What? What? What? What? I mean, it's cause you can't even go work at Burger King

or anything. Like, if you're three foot six, you gotta get a movie job or something. Well I know I could tell when I walked off stage that's why like no one could probably see him except the front row like generally I guess when he plays other clubs they have to get a director's chair I don't know. There was a we were we were outside smoking that he was over here are you standing near me and that's the group smoking the tobacco marijuana cigarettes and a lady kept crying I thought she wanted to come say hi to me

and I was like okay these two fellas were real excited to see me so and I go I go you you want to you want to say something and she goes and then she walked right up to him on and started going, oh, you're the cutest little, it's like, okay, I'm too tall for you, huh? I get it. Well, she did have fucking her rack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, that's all he was listening to. Oh yeah, yeah, she presented proper for a little fella. Yeah. And he, the other one was Hey Wong, she was the Melbourne guest set, so they gave us a big list of fucking names. I think word travels pretty quick. We can't do this all the time. Well, we'll have Junior, so.

Yeah, but she, so we picked Hey Wong, it's a it's a finally a female comic and Hey Wong I think remember that thing as well as I think you introduced to her is go ahead and run long. Well first of all we don't give them any rules. Yeah yeah yeah. So she didn't go long. no we kind of expect three five and she was getting towards ten But she fucking someone heckled her and said fucking Tell a joke And then she I think she said what did you spend he said it again and I fucking went out like I was you

Yeah, I just walked out on fucking stage like those death eyes and then walked back like I'm first of all it's like you know I don't think she can handle herself no I was just that fucking angry because that special guest thing never doesn't work because the crowd knows this person has no idea they idea about to go on stage. Yeah, let alone get heckled Yeah, she killed she was great. Yeah, just subtle and soft and some fucking bloat-headed Aussie Bogan Bogan. Yeah. No, I got hey. Yeah, I walked out

The Melbourne crowd crowd and then three dudes surround me and that's as far as I got. There were two Bogans and their idiot American friend and big fans or whatever, close talk. If they were real fans, you'd know I don't leave to talk or slobber on me. They talked to me. Oh wait, was, Melbourne, was that the last one where I go, hey, it's, oh yeah, it's like a fucking 400 something seeder. I'm like, there's no way we can do like meet and greet,

take pictures. We have a 6 a.m. fight, so it's 4 and 45 a.m. wake up call. But we're, we're staying at the airport. So if you need something signed or need to take a picture, it's about a 25 minute drive and they close at 11 and right now it's about 9.35 We got out of there at 10 after 10 got there just as they were trying to close up yeah three dudes. Nice. You have one with a poster to sign. Cool. I can't stay. I'm parked in a tow zone. Can you sign this really quick? And then yeah, the other two bought us a round

of drinks. And that was a very, yeah, got the fuck out of this. There was one of the, one of the, was it the day show where the group would kept yakking and we got in a car And then a lady got in front of our car or uber. Oh, yes. I forgot about that Yeah, we had like the lamest version like tm in square. Yeah, like like the surviving beetles And an old lady jumps in front of the car just on reflex Yeah, it was this it was it was exhilarating and pathetic all at once. If I wasn't trying to like burn down all my, I packed almost exclusively burner clothes so I could just fucking leave everything there just bring back

the suit and but the one thing I wish I'd taken was that giant Mexican hat but that would have been really awkward to wear oh yeah on an 18-hour journey Oh plus you you would have looked like a stereotype with the sombreros he had maybe too many he was I used to be the fastest drunken all in Mexico now I'm so tired from explaining it I think I'll take a nap so the place that we get down on last year was March 1st,

and we fly on the 5th. That's when we had planned to do Hiawaska on the 3rd. We found this place an hour south of the Comedy Condo, the Gold Coast, Surfer's Paradise Hilton. Because the joke is I want to do it in Hilton, even though Hilton's some shit now, but But I'm like, well, we should still go there. It's fucking we get a three-bedroom suite Ocean view on the 37th floor, which I know we must be near the top. Nope 51 floors

Fucking wind so bad it whistled through the entire thing. Well yeah we're on the front of her or of Cyclone Alfred that was right it's hit now we don't haven't got the update but it was bearing down and causing people but there were saying other people were sandbagging while we were getting cocktails. It might have been waves down the Gold Coast as well. So that would be what like... 70 miles. Like so like we're seeing a lot of this you know it's well surf pros were showing up from all around the

world to be there and what it also waited to the next day because I will count it exactly zero surfers at surfers paradise yeah there was zero surfers there but we got that that might have been because that was more hazardous than the I mean I don't know much about surfing I'm a perfectionist and an expert but maybe it was too dangerous there where they weren't allowed and they so they were. That is he's calling back we watched sadly and only to hate it for material was the Aaron Rogers Iowa's limited series he kept saying how like talking about the death of ego and then And then the next thing you talk about what a perfectionist he is and how great he is

Like you go totally died and and yeah, I'm just great because I'm a perfectionist and I was one reason I was glad we didn't do ayahuasca but as soon as they showed up they met us down there and he broke out his fucking old edible capsules. Yeah the capsule and I go yeah fuck it we're supposed to do ayahuasca anyway I tripped my fucking balls off so hard they it was one of the only like elite status at Hilton's till April 1st and I'm like oh we finally stayed at Hilton that like we usually stayed at that double tree where you used to fucking have your New Year's Eve anniversary and It's a shithole. This had an executive lounge. So finally we got, I used my shit to get an executive lounge privileged and they went down to walk on the beach and I can only bring in one person anyway.

So Alex came with me and we sat down and it's in his... It's, it is, it's not fucking, was it Paul Anderson or Wes Anderson, the director that always has fucking the Owen Wilson or yeah, it was like a funeral scene, an executive lounge of the saddest people. Like if the, if the fear and loathing circus, circus scene was at a Hilton executive lounge instead of the circus circus. I came on immediately and I into the fucking, into the table. Just to say words, I like finally get told you better start filming because I could tell this isn't going to end. I was just thinking about stealing food from there, like we do for breakfast buffets.

We stole some shit. Thank you, Maria. Over there at the, that first hotel was at the Pullman there at the Brisbane Airport She didn't work at that hotel. She was yeah I said yeah, we stole so much food that I couldn't possibly eat again She goes yeah, we watched you Nick and food whatever they say over there We don't care she came to the show, but this place I was just picturing like like I had like Ghostbuster

Backpack things that I squeezing relish it do so I drink a lot of a straw. I'm just having the most hilarious vision But I can't speak so just laughing and just making them film me laughing. We're at the executive lounge. Up the hill. And the ice is so high. And I was just telling them we should have brought them in. I was just telling him we should have brought him a big industrial backpack so we could just blaze and steal everything. Bottles of wine, bluehing, just bringing her big old pot, water bottle, just start stuffing it with relish and spicy mustard.

I go, how about a big Red River douchebag with a nausea on it. Put a little bit of everything in the bag. Just suck on it. Just do it. And I always want to be this high. I want to be this high. We should probably go. I think I muttered a douche bag tube or a tube or something. I guess all I could get out, I'm like,

we have to leave this place. It lasted like, till the next day. What the fuck did he give you? 25 milligrams and I'm a five milligram girl. I did 50 and wandered around. But those were good. Very, very effective. 50 and wandered around, but those were good. Very, very effective. Yeah, if we were to just, you know,

what insights did you gain from your trip? Is it, and write them down in your notebook, and then we'll do the- Well, it kind of, it's, it segues so perfectly because we get out of there, and I'm still in a fog, and directly to the airport hotel that we know that we're staying over to leave the next day and then we didn't do anything there so yeah

went down ate the horrible fucking shitty fucking pizza and and then get on the plane which we have 13 hours right away so I took a Seroquel and both Andy and I fucking slept 13 hours except to get up once to miss and once to eat. You fumbled a Seroquel that you were gonna split with. He fumbled that BT was gonna and then it dropped and we could never find it. I was on an edible and I had a little bit of Xanax and a Benadryl and I slept the whole. I was on an edible and I had a little bit of Xanax and Benadryl and I slept the whole, so I woke up an hour or so before landing. It was perfect. Well yeah and then I got back after LAX quick layover sky club. And then I don't know how I get so fucked up that by the time I got in the dirt,

picked us up at noon, I immediately to the fucking back row and I am fucking knocking out back here. And then at some point someone body surfed it back to me. And I got here. I saw her for you barely hug me and you went straight and fell on your face. Just standing up. They stopped at Taco Bell. And I go, yes, but I couldn't get up. So I ate a taco upside down.

So, so lettuce and tomato and beef are falling down my suit sleeves because I couldn't lift my head. That should be your next tour poster picture. You've laid down eating duck. Andy said Andy forgot his notes at Bingo. Then he kept going, well, it sounds like Bingo's got a lot of projects going on. She's probably not getting around to ironing my notes.

Is she? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't. Bingo's always got a lot of projects going on, but she's never too busy to iron her notes. Yeah. Wow. So yeah, this is never too busy to iron her notes. Yeah.

Wow. So yeah, this is what Bingo did with my notes. What? Oh, holy shit, Bingo. I'm expecting it to open, and it's just like the back of cigarette cartons and stuff that she's written on. Everything is dog-eared out.

Everything, it took me forever to do this. If it's two-sided notes, she put it on two sided clear paper. You can organize it, everything. If it's on the back of something, you can see everything. Sometimes I just swallow your projects and shit them out. But you can work with them. Look through it, look through it.

Yeah. You guys are sitting there, I thought you were falling into your chair. Yeah, that's true. You guys are sitting in here for success over here. I put the smaller. You didn't say anything. Nothing on the back of it. I put the smaller sheets on the back if there's nothing on the back of it. First of all, yeah, blur that out

because all these fucking forensic deconstructors on fucking, oh, what's that joke about? They fucking zoom in, they freeze frame it, they get fingerprints off it. I have rape written down a lot in paper, which is you know I do she notice that Sexually abused rape rape rape rape dicks You know all the time that I've known you and I never pictured did you had that much notes

Yeah, but they're probably the same notes. Yeah, it's like a mad man writing Red Drum on a wall. Hahaha! I could use that in our next live show. Hey, fuck. I never did do the bike. I did wear my public recs and I'm wearing them right now. And I never did that thing in the Sky Club where I did wear a fucking vintage suit with fucking public rec pants on. Oh, I'm wearing this shirt, too. There's a plug. But I'll do it. I own one free. I'll do a better one. Secret.

And always bodega cat. We might be drunk. And this is from Rich No Last no last name go. I'll take this with It's all you now Backpack I'm gonna take Don't forget to look at the back page Back of the book the back of the whole book because it's stand up, and I have a good sticker on there for you All right death pulls on Chad. The line has changed. Yeah, well I'm on my comeback now. If you're a betting man, I've got to do for a stand and I've been vomiting. I am willing to let anybody put life insurance on me though. I'm trying to convince my kids.

I don't have money to put life insurance on me for my kids. But I tell my kids, you know, why don't you take a little bit of money and put a fucking life insurance on me so that one of these days, you know, it's gonna be like, oh, dad died, but I won the lottery. You know, that's fucking, that's how I think that's how a lot of people

in this country get by. As you's how a lot of people in this country get by as you look at a lot at some point they'll get an inheritance from somebody and We'd be neither me nor Jenny has that so we'll just be paycheck to paycheck till we're dead but My kids could have a fucking lottery ticket or anybody else that wants one Yeah Yeah. I asked my daughter to scratch off, you know, is going to hit. To, to, um, put me in a wheelchair and let me roll in front of a city bus and make it, you know, so. And we put that out there. Like, there's going to be a law.

And now our new podcast with Andy Chad, big or down there ought to be a law. But he's here. with Andy Chad, bingo Doug, there ought to be a law. But is it, you don't just tell all your fans, I broke out life insurance on Chad Shank. Here's all his personal details. You have to have Friday noon. I guess maybe people I know that aren't gonna murder me, I guess is what I would, I don't want to have to,

I don't have to check my brakes every time I fucking leave the house because so many people have lives. I'll tell you who would notice. Like if all of a sudden, let's say a thousand people took out life insurance on you and then all tuned into the yoga live stream, you know who would notice that anomaly in the numbers? That fucking CEO who got shot in the back fucking United Healthcare or whatever that's the guy that would have noticed maybe I could

charge a nominal fee to get life insurance on me and then I could use it to get health insurance I used to be called unbookable now uninsurable. They won't let me get life insurance anymore. Yeah, that's not gonna sell tickets. Yeah. Arabs, why would I write Arabs? That's racist. That was a different time.

Yeah, bingo, organize these in a way that I couldn't allow myself to do because it's just too fucking too much. So I carried them around like an insane person and now it was like an insane person. Yeah. Well, you'd know because you roomed with some. Might be rooming with some right at the moment. Hey, let's do that Kiko the whale bed again.

Come on that one's hilarious. You remember that one? Kiko the whale exposed himself to my daughter. I don't know. I used to do it all the time. That's not the whale that I talk about is it? No the whale, Kiko the whale from free willy fame. Free willy. waved his willy

Yeah, he waved it in front of my daughter's Toddler face and my wife I was yelling at her to take a picture and didn't take a picture His lives are holding my kid up in front of the whale deck and she didn't snap a picture I don't know why I have didn't snap a picture. I don't know why I have one of that. Yeah. It could have been a lawsuit. This guy, I've seen this guy in Disney movies and he's waving his dick. You think he could have got a sexual harassment suit going

against Tico? It's possible. That was not ethical. I don't know how to explain this to my little girl. Yeah, I didn't even know that that was a thing, you know. I get, you know, it didn't occur to me, oh yeah, they're mammals, they got big dicks. Yeah, it opened, he wasn't, he didn't drop down, just his tail did, and then this hole just uncoils like it's a, like a toeing chain. It was amazing.

Bingo! Yeah. Thank you so much, it's like a towing chain. It was amazing. Bingo. Thank you so much. It's like, it's my pleasure. It took one person with a text monitor. I can do that kind of thing. Yeah, well, how do you do that thing? I'm good at that thing. I don't even know what it would be called. It's like, yeah, fixing my problem. Yeah, no, but I'm good at that kind of thing. Organizational skill. I'm good at that and it was fun. I had a teacher keep me in at recess and try to make me write better, you know, hold the pen and I rebelled, that's why I write like this, because I fucked that bitch. You know what I'm going to do now? I'm going to start writing left-handed with this fucker. But anything that was grouped together, like the ones that were grouped together, I kept together. So, yeah. I kept together, so. V grouped together. I kept together. Do you have a shit load of those types of binders for all your different...

I went through the bomb shelter and I got all the supplies. All these papers that I had them brand new. I had all the supplies. I think it's a crazy person thing when you get manic. I have two of these exact things, these exact pages. I have two full with just banjo learning stuff. Music theory. Oh I have the supplies. That's probably how they sell the book on Amazon is banjo learning. Banjo learning. I heard the banjo. Ah too many words. I heard the banjo, ah, too many words.

I had fun doing this. Good, good, good. I had a lot of fun. It took me days to do it, but I had a lot of fun. And rape is just a premise. It's not really something I think about. Yeah. Human toilet, that's a classy. And I have some, I have these empty in the back so you can you know

What's the dog will be amazed at all the bits that I bring back that I forgot all about I have hidden these when you're done flip it over and you can see the back cover because I have a good Oh, that's for more so you can put drugs Okay, so you put more stuff in there? Oh, I'm done right now. I have it all here. I got a good sticker for you. Eliminate girl hate, yep.

Castle Rock Kenny, there's some dirt there. I was gonna have him come, but I know he's first of all probably lying about a lot of it. Oh boy. And he'd take forever to get to the point. First of all, he had a pool tournament in Vegas. Yeah, and he was gonna turn his luck around by going out to Vegas.

We don't know the details. He goes, yeah, no, we already made the cup. First of all, why would a pool, like a major pool tournament come to Bisbee looking for hot talent? Unless they heard Tom Cruise and Paul Newman Yeah, I was like, what did he make this the state playoff or something Understand we over explains everything but that one he just undersold it Yeah, and we we tuned into the tournament as there were guys with sponsors and official shirts. He found it out, like there's a live stream of this thing he's supposedly going to.

I'm like, you're not listed on any of these events. And you don't have a jersey with a lot of sponsors. He fucking, Sonoco is very fueling my rod. Oh The best part he calls You know broke Kenny doesn't call me to say how's your tour? He's broke he left his pool cue in the uber and Phoenix getting a flight and all the money And his money and his money he was gonna bet on himself when he oh and his and his girl that it's not his girl you know that little story I've known it several times I don't know it yeah it's yeah evidently he was impaling her and then at Derek's house

and then Derek went in and threw a bucket of cold water on him basically basically say get the fuck out of here you know just you can't be doing it I finished five minutes ago Oh man no so he brought that chick and he said he texted me she left him for another dude like the first day yeah but he still probably gave her a ride back to the airport because that's what he does. Yes. She stole his money and pawned his pool cue when she left him for the other dude.

He, yeah, it's like a country song. He's going off to a tournament to turn his luck around, leaves his pool cue in an Uber, and this girl leaves him. And from what we gather, he didn't win the tournament. Yeah Doug said he'll instead of sponsors. He'll have a shirt with a big stain on it Sponsored by the Bloody Mary he spilled on on your cell phone. I texted him that. I texted him. I go, I'm guessing the tournament that we're watching, you're not in, because they have lots of sponsors on their shirt. We probably just have a mustard stain. That's what I said.

So yesterday we get back, well we get back the day before, we slept for 24 hours. And then Kenny texted me, hey, can I borrow the truck to get to work? I didn't answer it. I didn't even look at it for like three more hours. And then I said, but you have mail here later on and he showed up. I'm like, so what, how many games did you even last in this tournament? How long were you there? It was there for Thursday through Monday. Yeah. Two games.

Then I'm going to know a smaller tournament. I lost that too. Because I didn't have my queue. Of course, Kenny. So I'm cooking for Andy at the time. I mean, he's all, you know when he's sheepish and needs. So he's like, yeah. And he doesn't want to tell me details because he knows they're all lies and I'll spot them. He's seen me work with Derek, he knows.

Yeah. Has to be strong around here. And I'm at this. I am like fucking Julia Childs. I am pulling his chin. Doesn't it? I shredded for his sense in his face. Look like he got hit with a pool cue sort of.

Yeah. He's yeah. He just like dumbstruck. And I'm making him a black and Cajun chicken Caesar salad. He's not there to fucking help me out with the fucking Kenny Pector. And I have a pork loin roast in the oven and twice baked potatoes.

And I could tell he wants to stay, but I had no room for anyone but Andy. And he goes, oh, to get me off the pool thing. He says, Oh, yes. You didn't hear the other news, which is so weird that Derek didn't bring this up on that whole drive. Yeah. Yeah.

Even know this about it. He kept saying, say with the buck up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I did. He didn't know. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Kenny driving to work in that piece of shit Tahoe. He drives around now or he lives in. Yeah. He. Yeah. Kenny, driving to work in that piece of shit Tahoe he drives around now. That he lives in? Yeah, he lives in. Yeah, he said, I don't know what happened. I was driving to work, he works early morning cleaning up a restaurant for a local friend of ours. His restaurant. Wait, fuck, we don't want to give them a plug. Oh, I don't know if the Kenny works there as a plug. He washes up. He cleans up when everybody's not there. It's early in the morning. He watches. So so evidently, he was driving the wrong way towards work going down Arizona

Street by the Peace Cafe hey I'm gonna get a lot of work they just say they just started serving what I like was plate you can get an egg over easy one piece of toast yeah one piece of bake no fuss you don't have to go down to that no more I order off the kids menu and then there was a horrific accident in front of the place Saturday Saturday morning fuck you Kenny 420 doesn't know what happened somehow he had two parked cars according to his story or in another version one car on top of the other car according to his story yeah then didn't realize why he didn't have shoes on but walked shirtless and shoeless to

Mamu's house. What that's five blocks to Mamu's house. And it's fairly cold. And she said yeah and I go did they I wasn't drunk or anything and I go did they field sobriety test yet I got it I took a blood test. Well okay now we we call memo say what happened with Kenny? Well, Kenny did show up shirtless and shoeless. He left out the shirtless party. Just the shoes I can I've seen a guy that one guy Lorca that I saw get Knocked out of his shoes, but he was not in a car And he said he got whiplash. He got well he hit he hit the vehicles and then all his belongings hit him in

back of the head. At this point he can't remember anything because you know he had a lot of shit. His life flashed behind his head. Fortunately he's not much of a book reader. So this is at 430 in the morning the accident happens and like five to twenty minutes later there Gary's taking him to the hospital. Yeah Gary, he drove him to the hospital. And then Mu is smart enough to go back to the scene of the accident to let him know that he has like he just he didn't leave the scene. He has a knot on his head. Plus he had cops. He just started walking shoeless Joe Jackson over to the fucking Mamousis and

then they took him to the hospital so that I got a yeah no the police didn't test the blood. Long story short I think he's probably gonna be going to summer camp for a while. Yeah. He'll finally have a place to live. We thought that once we followed. Yeah, but this is drunk driving with a accident, leaving the scene.

Expired plates, no insurance. I mean, even, you know, even the stupidest cop. And he still had to call to fucking text me and say hey can I use your truck to get to work without me knowing this fucking happened. Yeah it's one thing I told him last night if you had a lawnmower you couldn't take the keys to it. It's basically like he lost his house and and his ability to drive his house after again. We looked for his car in the usual... Yeah, we don't know about the impound bodies anymore. Yeah, me and Doug, we were like, when we were looking for Mr. Bimbels, we were all, you know, like

detectives. So the police beat came out about this yet? It was yesterday, police beat came out today, or for me. It's gonna be on the front page when, cause we did ask at the War and Peace Cafe, and they go, oh you know that guy? They go, we're surprised he wasn't killed, like the damage to Kenny's fucking piece of shit. He told me that the other two cars he hit,

one was a BMW that he has He can't remember shit. So could have been a lot of BMWs parked down there on Arizona Street. Yeah. Yeah Mamou said that that when Gary went by it looked like he hit He was in the proper lane and he hit a white pickup truck head on and they disappeared. But you know, those stories are as goosey as Andy's are as goosey as, and then at the, well, I am, there's a lot of white trucks around here too. So tracking that peace said they thought it looked like someone was backing out of one of those church spots and he rear ended them, but whatever.

Like that's all three totally different. And then they told then they're at war in peace. They told the guy at the front table about it and he was muttering about it. Like he was talking on the phone to somebody, but he was now just talking and just kept going through it. The cars were pulled out of the lot. They're probably still riding the police speed. They're muddled right now. You can't get a final draft down on this one. To say the town's abuzz is no understatement. The town is abuzz about this situation. Nobody seems kicked.

You know? Was it in the paper at all or no? Now the police beats always a few weeks behind But that would have been front page if they had pictures and it's just fucked up but we checked everything that we thought was a inbound lot and Can I don't know which ones the actual local pool champion involved in hit and run? But no, I'm not did someone put something something on Facebook that's what you I see that that I'll go first at the car oh yeah well yeah we don't want to while we're looking we don't want to do these pictures we don't want to influence an ongoing investigation that's a bit worse than what Benko did to the Tahoe. Oh, wow.

Bingo, by the way, when she fucking smashed that Tahoe, same score. There's plenty of police officers represented in the picture. There's two. I would say that they're still gathering info on this situation. Well, he's got a court date for all the fucking no insurance expired tags. Are we in town? He's got the lump though he's got the lump he can say I have brain damage. I would I think I could testify in court that I don't remember a lot about Kenny so we need a doctor like before. It's gonna be caught a bit of footage with the lump. I think you'd probably be the lie detector test if you say the truth around the lie Didn't we do a podcast once where we're gonna? Cut the lump

What a Becky Becker was gonna do it and then Matt said no I think Yeah, it was a long time ago, but I remember there being some talk. I don't remember anything, your honor. I drank quite a bit. Luckily for you, we have audio footage. Very likely he never had that lump till that poor person in that fucking white pickup truck slammed into him egregiously. Probably cartel. Yeah. Is there can we invite their house without Kenny? Is that can we invite Derek up with Kenny's deposit and read battery? Yeah, that's your second podcast.