The Doug Stanhope Podcast - *New Episode* "The Suite Life" w/ Andy Andrist & Junior Stopka

Episode Date: April 23, 2025

6 shows in 4 days. Bingo and The Australian link up with Doug, Andy and Junior on tour in a cold, gray Cincinnati to record some sets for Junior at Go Bananas Comedy Club. The episode kicks off with the start of Doug’s Saturday night set before shifting into the Sunday afternoon podcast. Get 20% OFF + Free Shipping @MANSCAPED with promo code STANHOPE at https://manscaped.com  #ManscapedPartner #TCSociety Join Doug and Andy on tour! - www.dougstanhope.com/tourSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Make your plans now get to Las Vegas for opening weekend of football. September 6th is a Saturday. Andy and I and probably Chad and we'll try to get as many special guests as, as we can get to, to come up from the days of the podcast, from the days of the touring and then off into September, October, Midwest, uh, upstate New York, New England run, then Florida in November. Go to dougstandup.com, go to the tour dates and it all wraps up with Skankfest at this point, unless we add something weird for New Year's, which we will talk about.

Maybe a day drinking show on New Year's for people like us who fucking hate New Year's. We were thinking maybe Boulder, but I don't know. We'll see. I'll talk to you. Well, yeah, keep it. Keep it. Get on the mailing list too. Bye.

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or make a donation to TC Society today and save lives and balls. I don't do Saturday nights. Except to go bananas. Anyone have brain cancer in here tonight? Saturday nights. Except to go bananas. Yeah! Woo! Anyone have brain cancer in here tonight? How are you, Bobby? Good to see you. How you doing? Good.

How are you? You're healed! You're healed! You're healed! You're healed! You're healed! You're healed! Did you ever give your number to a dude

with brain cancer that stopped past your house? Thinking, well, he won't use it, and then he doesn't die from it. Let me see it. Hey, Andy Andrist and Junior Stapka are here. I'm only up here right now because they're the funniest people I know,

but they have fucking zero hosting skills. They can't say, hey, how you doing? They can't rub a fucking cancer patient's head. They don't have the, and I'm not the best comic to open a show. No, I mean, as far as a host, I'll be a miserable cunt later. But right now I'm smiling and welcoming you

to the Go Bananas. And you know what? As much as Go Bananas is my favorite comedy club in the country and the legacy we have here, I forget how fucking awful the rest of the day is to spend in fucking blue ash, and oh. We're out at some hotel. I told Bingo when she came in

late on Thursday night, I go, oh, honey, I went up in all the trees and I took tweezers and I pulled all the leaves out for you, so it will just look dank and skeletal for you. It's 45 degrees out. If that's why if you're wondering why Andy's scarfed up with a fucking ski hat. It's very cold. It's always cold in Cincinnati.

It's always bad weather here. Yeah, we've been here four days, six shows in four days. And it's been fucking just miserable shit suicide weather the entire time we go After we bragged about how lucky we got it feels like stations of the cross for comics like you know I mean You know what that is no I do They do like a story of Jesus he gets beat up on the first day and the second day He's betrayed and then the third day is crucified. You don't know these stations across?

They have you go around, you have to get up out of your seat in church and then go around and it's like that's where Jesus was. You go to each one, he got his ass kicked here, over here, somebody helped him. Basically, now I don't know if I'm holding the microphone wrong because he said you can hold it down here and you guys have it up here. Or you can just close your mouth. But anyway. But anyway. Anywhere around there is fine.

Anyway, if you talk into it, we you know, the tour is set up with Andy and I co-headlining juniors in and out, depending on the part of the tour and the part of the country. And we could have called it Andy Doug stand up and friends. But like where it's, uh, yeah. And at two weeks in a day, it's, uh, it could be already dumbed down to Doug Stan open associates. So we can all be crossing friends out, putting in slurs.

We're like, we're like the Eagles in the later years. We're getting different tour buses arriving separately. My green room can't be in the same area as your green room. Yeah, we had to fly junior at some point because the route is all fucked up. So at some point we're in Nashville and we had two days off to get to Raleigh, which is about 10 and a half hours, which we'd have to backtrack. And it was like tornado warnings and fucking thunderstorms. So we go, let's just fly.

And we get out right in front of the storm. And then we had to fly junior back to get his car. We're riding in a junior. We usually, you know, we always said the van when we're on the road, because we didn't want people to know exactly what you're driving. Because if they're pissed off and they walk out, you don't want to say that. But we're in

Junior's 1997 Lincoln town car with 220,000 miles on it. Yeah, you key that car, it's not going to get noticed. It's already keyed up. Yeah. You just screw up your keys. You'll have a bunch of chip pain in your keys and they won't work on your ignition. But it has been a lot of fun. Joplin was, it started in Joplin, which Junior drove, how long was that drive? Joplin to, from Chicago? Oh, that was like nine. No, it was more than that for the stops.

But yeah, that was a freaky one because it might have been the best show. It was our first one. Yeah, it was, it was the, uh, Kota concert house. So we go, uh, we have the, uh, we got in two days early because there's only one airline that flies into the United's the only airline that flies in the Joplin. We should have started in Branson. I think you can get there easier. I wish we, if I knew we were that close,

and if I knew I didn't have to write an act, I would have gone to Branson as Seahawk off Smirnoz on a nooner. What if we just, like, wouldn't it be easier if we let the crowd come to us and we just sat up in Branson and the crowd's coming? Well, I thought of the same, why don't we do that at the fun house?

I always thought, but then you go, oh, liability issues, people fucking up my stuff, who's putting out cools on my rug? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so. Why don't you invite Yakov to do a podcast? Well, if we had gone to Branson, like we think we're the king of the day drinking shows, but no, all those Branson shows are like noon and two for the late nighters. Oh, man, how wonderful.

Yeah, we, we just need for the generation that goes to your shows to get about five years older and then serve pie and... Yeah, I've noticed that the demographic is, I don't know if it's the towns we've been playing, we're at the heart of the Midwest. It used to be the club made money on the booze when you were in town, now they're making it on the food. Your audience is getting whiter and more sober. Yeah, well, yeah, Junior's making it it on the food your audience is getting wider and more sober

Juniors making it up on the food This is a second fucking time the guy goes straight from lunch to fucking dinner I you hadn't even picked this sandwich out of your teeth and you're fucking up there ordering Fucking two more side orders of fucking beef tongue. I think he just did it to grow cell bingo. Yeah, pretty much. May sushi, this podcast sponsored by may sushi, M E I, but pronounced May right here, I don't know this in the heart of wherever we are. Yeah, I think it's like, it's not the crossroads mall. It's not a mall.

It's not a strip mall. It's a, it's a complex of sorts. It's an aging complex that has sneaky Pete's bar, which has been renamed several times But I call it sneaky Pete's because I've been coming here 35 years Yeah, it's and it got sushi and it has a club. I what is it? We figured out what it holds Buck75 or something. I said, one of my favorite clubs, cause it's tiny and even if it's half sold, you don't care, cause you're drunk.

Sneaky pizza is great cause there's like old skanks in there from like the eighties. Oh yeah. It's fun to have people watch so much in there. You want to fuck a 62 year old lady singing, Barracuda. Only if it's Ann. Well, the places, it used to be,

I would go over there and bartend between shows, which was fun and it gave me a bolt of adrenaline to just be humping it, like trying to crank out drinks. I pour drinks like I want my bartender, I'm running. I'm not fucking. You look like you were in an episode of Bar Rescue and the stress test. Yeah.

Like he's running back and forth and he's not getting anything done. Look at him, he's ineffective. But it used to be I would go over and I would bartend and then like the crowd would come over and Bingo would sell merch from one end of the bar, that around the corner part, and I would bartend and come over and quickly sign shit and go right back to, I don't serve, I serve bottled beer, I don't do draft beer, and if it's a mixed drink, it can only have two ingredients and they have to be in the title of the drink.

And we don't need any people around here to give the joint atmosphere. I can make a vodka orange, I can't make a screwdriver. God, it could. And we would have a blast. Fucking Rogan came once. He had a show probably at a fucking theater years ago and came over for our late show.

And then I got him behind the bar after the late show to bartend with me. And that guy just fucking talked to people. I'm like, Oh, we got fucking drinks to fill here. But that back then they appreciated, they needed the audience. They counted on our audience to fill that place up. But now that place is the fucking monster. Yeah. You can't, you can't even get in there.

I tried to do karaoke and they turned me down. I couldn't, probably Rogan couldn't even get me a spot for karaoke over there. It's so packed. It's live karaoke. It's not a dude with a machine. It's a live band. Oh, they're singing too. They take it serious.

Yeah. If you're going to sing Cindy Lauper, you better sound like her. You'll get booed off. But then the rumor was, oh, it became a huge, well, cause there's a swinger element to it, which we couldn't. Yeah. There's a lot of GIL ups in there. I got asked where I was staying a few times by ladies like, where's your,

where do you stay at? I go, oh, it's just a motel. Well, where, where at? Like, why? Oh? Really? Okay. I saw just a lot of regular faces. I didn't see a lot of a swinger atmosphere. Last night on stage Andy goes, yeah I heard it's a swingers bar. I think they need better swing sets. You don't want to see a tank. They're a little out of date. A beach tan and a colostomy bag. When the possibility of going to a bar ended up with a woman in diapers.

Hasn't that happened to you before? No, no, no. Someone had a woman in diapers story. Not me. Sounds like a Henry Phillips, born to lose story, but I don't think it was him either. We're talking about incontinence or poop. I had a, I did have a lady pee on me and that was before I even heard the term squirter. Yeah. Just, just, but squirting, just like a porn flick. She was a death lady. And did you think she was laughing out? Some women when not, not, uh, maybe she could only hear cries of pain. I remember when I lived in that cabin in Idaho and I, I don't know, it was on the

kitchen counter, but when I tried to think about that, like, was I on a step stool? Cause I can't imagine a kitchen counter low enough for me to fuck someone on. What do you do? She stands above you to pee or is it like, Oh, you were a you were taller back then. You were a few inches taller back then. Well, you don't lose your height from the waist down. It's all in your posture.

You feel like you gotta do a lot of geometric math to get the pee right. No, she was just, I was shit faced and she was squirting and I go, well, she's deaf, so maybe she's incontinent too. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if it was. Did she sign to you what was going on? Yeah, just let me read your lips.

I'm pee-teeing. Yes, yes, yes, yes, the look into you and then read your lips at the same time. Make sure the piss is hitting you. Make sure you're going. The deaf voice does sound vaguely orgasmic. I'm gonna have. Or troubled.

It also sounds a little bit like Derek. Yeah. I think I'm coming. I heard fucking Derek, did Derek charge you 140 bucks to take you to the airport? Or is that what I pay him fucking? That's for a round trip, what I pay him. Yeah, that's for two.

Oh, so that includes picking you up when you guys go back. All right, bingo. Yeah, bingo and Alex flew out. Okay, good. I thought he stayed, she was telling me that and I thought he was trying to railroad you like fucking tourists. We had to get up

at fucking... This is Sunday night, so we have one show here coming up in a minute. And then... This will be our sixth show in how many days? Just go bananas in four days. In four days. I have never been this exhausted in my life. We did Joplin. Okay, so we're in Joplin and we go to concert house. And so the day before we're off, we go, let's just drive past the venue and check it out.

We're, you know, loathing. If we still haven't figured out if we're doing merch or if we're doing the a Patreon only meet and greet or, and then we're, so we, we pull up to this address and I checked it online too. We both, Junior and Doug had it on their GPS's so we both we were right okay it's coming up and there it is. It's a fucking complete residential neighborhood of ranch style houses. No clue there's no nothing to indicate this is not anything but a house. We found the address and it's a fucking dark empty house.

And so I call a guy. I am still not sure if I'm getting duped on this deal, but I did get paid half up front on a guarantee. So he goes, no, no, it's a house inside. When you see inside, you'll get it. And so it was like it was a bigger version of the fun house. We walk in the front door and it's fucking got a great stage. Yeah. Seats, assigned seats with everyone's name on them, unfolding chairs and green room.

And. Yeah, but don't call it the concert house. Call it, it's the dude's house or something. No, I love it. But I didn't know, it's the dude's house or something. No I love it, but I didn't know it's like an underground place and it's that we were the first time they'd done done comedy but he said he goes yeah Bird Cloud played here in 2019 he sent me some video of their classic thing where she's playing the harmonica down

at the other girl's pussy uh-huh And it seemed like there were crickets coming from the audience. It was a little maybe too hardcore. He tried to explain the show to people when they'd call in, but it's hard to explain what they did. Yeah. He wouldn't put music on either. Women in underpants.

Well, yeah, you just send out a YouTube clip of the worst parts and that should queer some people out. He wouldn't put music on and so silent. So we're like, oh, no. And he's like, that doesn't work when he goes, welcome to a night of comedy. And you were. Yeah, I was fine with no music. It turned out OK.

Yeah, no, it's fucking great. It was a fantastic crowd. And we were our first show. So we're just, you know, winging it anyway. Oh, and he's arguing with the with the local city council, too. So there's a bunch of YouTube arguments, too, if you want to look up. Oh, have you looked it up? I looked up a little bit, but I'm going to wait till I get home to binge

watch it, because it's like hours. Yeah. It's one. He said he had one cranky neighbor that one neighbor fucked it up for everyone. But she did. They're still there. So, yeah, get I don't know if you get on a mailing list, how you get invited to that place because he doesn't advertise. And he doesn't want no.

He doesn't want any press to write it out and ruin the little gem that it is. I wish there was a way to fight. doesn't want any press to write it out and ruin the little gym that it is. I wish there was a way to fight. If I could do a circuit of that, yeah. Kind of like, uh, the hustler. Yeah. Yeah.

Air BB air BBC. I bet you in Texas where those underground, what do you call it? Other preppers, the prepper tour. It could just perform in one of those. called other preppers, the prepper tour, because just performing one of those. Yeah, like the poker room guy that we we did the video for, like poker room, but with comedy clubs attached, illegal poker rooms, speakeasy. That would be fun for about two weeks. And then you do the two shows, two late shows that you never do late shows.

And it's different. it's go bananas. Two late shows, what the, and fucking yesterday after one night of two shows, oh no. Yeah, it was like a fifth round of a boxing match and you just keep getting jabbed in the head and you don't know what to do. That's what two shows back to back feel like. And I've been hosting, so I've been hosting

and then bring up Junior and then I do a little more time and I bring up Andy and then I do more time at the end and then we've, on single show nights, then we get up and fuck around together. You might have the record for being the host, guest, feature and headliner. But we've, yeah, we've done that before. But that's why I like bartending in between shows back when it wasn't as fucking crowd.

I didn't realize when we're selling merch with the one night we go, oh, we could sell merch over there in that corner, even though it's fucking rockously loud of, you know, cover band doing a fucking 38 special song. And I like the, but I didn't know they were charging a cover. So we told people to meet us at the bar. Like we always do for merch, not knowing they had to pay $5 just to come in and ask for a picture.

We should do that. Like charge $5 to get into our meet and greet and then charge them. The dog, the bounty bouncer is out there going, what were you? Yeah. So that was last night where we saw it. We set up in the alley behind the bar. Right. And it was that last.

Yeah, yeah. Little smoking alley outside the back of the kitchen. I go, all right, we can't. It's fucking pouring rain every fucking day and miserable for 40. No place to stand out there that you're not getting water dripping on. I said, if you know where I smoke outside the kitchen door the password is and

You just give me a little poster or book you mean well number one number two and And then bingo slide it out to you and I'll sign it stick it under your jacket before it gets rained on and that was Very funny. Yeah, that was fun. It's like I was selling stolen watches from an overcoat. I did have that feeling of bootleggers selling booze out of the back of a truck. We're not table people. We're more meet us by the dumpster people. I mean we had to be honest with ourselves. But they did tell us, Lisa the waitress who's worked here since 1995, who's worked here since 1995. And it's like family here.

She said that they made their record tips, like ever last night, first show. The most tips they've ever made ever in 30 some years, 30 years, 30 years. How about that? But I mean, I guess everything costs more now too. So 1995, a $2 tip was probably a big deal. If they would have made that in 95, they could have retired.

Now they can't even get a loaf of bread. Adjusted for inflation, not the best night ever. Still Kathy Griffin. Yeah, other than that, I was like, there's a lot of comedy clubs, helium's I mean, they're fine comedy clubs, but you could work every helium improv. Well, no helium's there. Some of them are different. Buffalo's not, and Portland is in a grainy area.

They're not all, but the ones we work, St. Louis, they're in malls. Yeah. Cheesecake factory. Yeah. That was the best for me is a cheesecake factory night. Cause I was, I'd like to eat dessert, but I don't, I haven't, but they don't desert on the road, but there I got it. That might've been the, oh no, I did go to a cheesecake factory once with Betsy Wise

because her boyfriend at the time was like the general manager, so he went there to get probably free food, and then I stole her from him. So that was the other time I was at a cheese factory. This time I didn't even steal the A1 sauce. Yeah, I had that. I got a big piece of peanut butter, some

peanut butter chocolate cheesecake. And then I was at the merch table and it started to look a little wilty. So I just started, I picked it up and I kind of, and now once you get it in your hand, you're committed cause it's chocolate and whipped cream and all that. So I just started jamming it.

And I basically fucked my face with a piece of cheesecake in front of people. Horrified onlookers. I've been on a Google review streak of anything that we've placed we've stayed or ate or drank or shopped. And now that was one of the cases. I just recognized you're wearing a Pacers hat. Indy, we were downtown and the Pacers were playing the Lakers and it was fucking utter chaos and then the Pacers lost on a last minute tip in by LeBron and then we were like, get the fuck out of here. Listen, it's gonna be a bunch of angry, sad Pacers fans.

I was happy, that bartender was a douche. Andy, I was rooting for the Pacers and then I asked, is it better if they win or lose? And he goes, what do you think? What do you think? It was a legit question. I thought maybe people after a loss would come in and drink pictures of beer. Drown their sorrows. Yeah. And he made it sound like I was a douche. You're from Indiana, it sucks over you. What do you think is going to happen? That's why I joined up with the Pacer movement. Yeah with this hat That's right I wrote in one of the after you've been buying so much shit

I wrote in one of the reviews and some of them are just just travel logs I don't even mention them what the fuck your business is Andy's spending money like a top drafted rookie with suspect knees You buy it every every time you come into the hotel room. We were doing, a lot of these hotel rooms, we were doing three to a room, cause why fuck them?

It's like the beehive joke. But yeah, the sweets. They put quality in the name so they don't have to do it anywhere else. Do you wanna go back? 70 bucks a night, but yeah, I was on the pullout and it had two queen beds. And, uh, you know, we needed to get to grow accustomed to one another's company. 70 bucks a night. Doug likes a big bar in the back of his back.

I don't know that. I can't sleep on it, but Joplinlin the the the review about the cat sanctuary the cat sanctuary People came after you. Oh, yeah First of all first gig Joplin, Missouri. We went to a cat sanctuary Andy really wanted to go It was a cat cafe a cat lounge. That's what they call it. You miss it sound like they sold booze and We showed up. There's no fucking, there's no one there. It says it's open. We're within the hours.

Cats are all upset. Why isn't there a place you can drink alcohol and pet a cat? I don't understand. Like this is America. Well, there is. It's called Slab City. First of all, after I wrote a review of Shitty

that they're not open, but, and then some fans said, hey, small world, I woke up to see this on my Facebook, and it was like the owner's husband saying, fuck you, Doug Stanhope, how dare you give us a two-star review, that woman works mercilessly for years and she takes one vacation. Well, put up a sign that we're on vacation.

Put it on your voicemail. We called, there was no fucking sign up there. Yeah, and there was no sign either. There's always a rift between the cat sanctuary people. But what happened because of that, because of that, then all these other people are saying, hey, I know that guy, he's a douchebag. They fucking, they give away cats

that have like liver failure. Yeah, there was a review one start. This cat died within five days and they gave a one star review. I was like, why don't you watch hoarders and they have eighty five cats? Why don't they just say it's a sanctuary? Yeah, just have a sunroom and have all the cats out there and then you can hoard away in the back. Well, that guy had fucking at the quality in there was a guy that was sitting in his van Oh, we're there for three days and just sitting in this I know

HVAC work van some company metal fabricator or something But he just sit in his van old fat. Like if he was outside of a school, he'd call the police. He was outside our window though, for real. He'd have his leg out of the car, you know, and then he's smoking cigarettes. We figured, well, he's just out here smoking or whatever. You gotta say how he's dressed though.

He had short shorts on. Big shorts, and yeah, and I walked up and noticed his dick was out. Like he had his dick splayed out and his leg out. Coming out of the shorts. His door is open, his car door is open and he's got his leg out where the car door is open and his balls out. Just fishing, just out there fishing with his dick out. So he took a camera to try to get some better shots.

Yeah. And then I think he tucked his dick in. But yeah, it's a, I don't know, man. I don't want to kink shame somebody, but sitting outside of an old man in a- Musty quality. Yeah. If that's how you get your kicks,

then good for you, but. No. Yeah, we kept trying to take his parking spot, so he would have to park out. Because yeah, he's parked right in front of our window. We're on the first floor. So I look out the window and there is a guy like chain smoking outside of his van window.

And the guy's not in shape or anything. No, he's the, you know, he's on and off. He's old fat dude in a van in a shady parking lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know who, you know, what what a react. Or maybe he just had to tan, you know, tan his dick a little.

I don't know. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's been we've been on the road a while. You don't even you know, that guy's faded. Remember, my pants is starting to fucking stretch. Oh, yeah. I just the you Fucking pizzas have we any try on this have you tried instead of say you're putting on weight Just call it yard of gain like they do in football like oh, you can't get the chain there He didn't get it to the yard again We ate just and Joplin. We ate five pizzas in three days.

Pineapple, please. Just because it was the closest place. It's one of those strip mall highways where to cross the street, you'd have to cross six lanes of 45 mile an hour traffic or walk a mile to a crosswalk. So we just ate an old Chicago pizza every day and we found our favorite.

And since then, it's just really pizza again. It's funny, last night there was a pizza going around in our very tiny green room. Junior, Doug, Bingo, and Alex were all feeding like seagulls on white bread. And they go, they say, there's a couple pieces left over and they go, do you want? Here you go. I go, I can't eat that garbage. Fat shamed a lot of them.

Well, at least by the time we get to India and somewhere to Rome, Zandi. Oh, yeah. The mall disappears like a fucking magician, like Houdini, like literally. Oh, Andy, I'm gonna grab this bag, cause where did you go? The Uber's here, I was just telling you, you were right there, and now he's disappeared. I do that magic around the house at home, my wife's legally blind, and so I stealthily walk down

and slip out a door rather than announce, hey, I'm leaving, so she'll go around the house asking, Andy, are you trying to find me? And then, oh, I didn't come back a few hours later. Yeah, I don't know where you go, but then I see the trinkets and I go out. He's just running from his wife, I guess. Yeah, yeah, I have been on a spending spree.

I bought a hat because I was cold and a suit cause I was naked. No, I do like walking around the mall. There's yeah, it's a, it's a part of my childhood is going to the pony village mall and Coos Bay and walk. And it seemed like it was a mile from one end to the other. It was basically a hundred yards of shitty shops, but that's where I broke into the business. Junior walks on the treadmill.

That's his walk about. Yeah. You don't have to talk to people, which is good. And, uh, I don't know. I like seeing dogs and stuff like that, but, uh, if I don I don't, I don't know, I feel it's a fun thing. I used to not like treadmills, but now I do kinda. Cause you feel like you're a zombie. Cause you're late night eating habits are deplorable.

I know, terrible. Last night you ate a Reuben of... Half a Reuben. Half a Reuben that was leftover over that left out and left over. You guys with your germs. Well, yeah, at some point you're like, how much should I microwave this to kill parasites? Some of the, some of what Junior eats would be the kind of stuff I would eat too. If there was no other food and I was starved.

All of it? No, like, I mean, like if it sat, I mean, you know, you'd have to be like, I'm either going to eat this or I probably will die of starvation. Yeah, but that was just the starter for him. It's called a starter. He ate a half of a Reuben sandwich that he might as well have taken out of the trash. Then somebody had a bowl of chili. I don't even know where the chili came from

because there's no restaurant in that place. It's an appetizer, not an appetizer. Since you gotta have chili. And then two Pop Tarts. Oh yeah, somebody ate down the Pop, my Pop Tarts down to the corners. I don't know where the Pop Tarts came from but I'm eating them.

Don't believe them in front of me. But I, did you eat those? Okay, so Junior was in our room for a short amount of time but apparently he. I didn't take your Pop Tarts. I had pop tarts. I put some in your room and I had pop tarts in my room when I went to open them today. There was just the bottom of two of them. Like he'd eaten or something, a rodent or possum possibly. Maybe those two Canadian geese broke in and ate, they ate down, but there was no goose shit around them. But I opened it up and there were just the two crusts. Like, okay. Obviously they didn't

mean the crust like the middle. Just the butt. Like they were like if somebody did surgery and cut off all but the feet were fucking ants when I had to clean up. Bingo stuff is, Andy and Bingo are similar. They just immediately, within minutes of checking into a room, just have their shit spread out everywhere. His has some kind of order, Bingo's is not. It's just like, eee. He throws it all about willy nilly. And today there's fucking ants. I kept seeing small ants. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not 6 a.m. flight. Yeah.

And hopefully, leave your do not disturb on the fuckin' door cause your room, you just walk past you guys' room and you can just smell which room you're in by the fuckin' skunk smell of the weed. Yeah, that's a real problem. Tell him about St. Louis in the green room, mister, where it's fuckin' illegal for you to smoke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, where it's fucking illegal for you to smoke. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but it was cold there too. And so I was smoking in the bathroom before the show. The green room bathroom, which is a phone booth. It's that smoke. And then you ran away. He shuts the door, even though it's okay to smoke anything in the green room, but he shuts himself in in hot boxes, the fucking smoke detector.

Yeah it's one of those good ones. The one that's wired through the entire mall. The whole mall. ROOOP! ROOOP! ROOOP! I'm alive in the green it but it's in its right Here we go, here we go, I'm home alone, home alone, home alone And it was a urban as fuck kitchen.

Yeah, nobody was surprised urban as fuck kitchen. Yeah, nobody was surprised at all. Yeah. Yeah, that happens. Yeah, I was just saying, I just told you, was that your motherfucking friend and doing this shit? I go, that's that guy. Yeah, I got it. I said, I was just telling Doug, I wish white people could be cool like this because the staff are so cool. And then they're like, where's that white motherfucker

smoking the weed? Yeah, they were the fucking nicest staff at first. And then they went to Andy, I was talking to him, he goes, yeah, I fucks with him. That means that they like you a lot. Yeah. That crazy motherfucker with the bad posture. There's nothing more demoralizing

than the look of fucking eye roll from a black waitress That has been hearing this alarm for fucking 15 minutes. They Maybe they thought they were gonna get blamed All they're gonna come from my job again Just the fact that was so unnecessary because you know, everyone fucking burns fucking yeah I found a better spot to smoke after that. It was just a couple doors down, nice little area. Yeah, there's been a lot of times I'm like, Andy, can you please just not fucking smoke?

Especially like Airbnbs, we stayed in that one in Raleigh. But I didn't realize that just your weed alone without smoking it stinks like that just by having it. Imagine the discrimination I faced. I'd go outside to smoke a cigarette and I'd come back upstairs and then all of a sudden it's like, and his window is open, but it only opens this much. And you know, really, I was going down to smoke and you waited till I left. Like I'm your parents to smoke weed and then try to blow it out the fucking door.

And that's the half of fun of smoking pot, I guess. Right. Doing it behind people's backs. Yeah. Well, you see, like VRBO, whatever. It's like the reason you can't fuck around with Uber is because they rate you. So if they give you a bad rating, I mean, you take Ubers all the time, you can dilute a bad review,

but occasional VRBO where they go, oh, he's skunked up the motherfucker. Well, yeah, I'm cooler about it than some at my Airbnb. If somebody was smoking weed, I would catch them later and go, uh, here's the, here's the joint, smoke it out back or whatever, you know, I wouldn't, it's not something in our rules about that. I mean, that was very, they had more rules than the Appleton comedy condo.

Like wipe your feet, put your shit. Oh yeah, Doug's gonna be at my. Well, I don't know. This morning I spent my early hours looking at hotels in Eugene because we're gonna have three nights off there. And I know you probably wanna have some alone time or would you rather me be there to distract you from your wife?

I don't pay attention to her. She sits downstairs and I stay upstairs a lot. Does she listen to the podcast? See, I wouldn't know which part of the stairs. I even went on your house on Zillow. Oh man. I even went on your house on Zillow. That's a lot of nice hardwood, but I go, Oh, which, which stairs will I be up or down? And like, there's a, there's a complete, uh, entrance for the Airbnb. So you could be, you know, like I like to have the Airbnb guests. I don't want to look at them because I don't want to picture them sitting on the toilet that I got to sit on.

So I just try not to even see them. But she is out the front door saying hello. When we have a little beep and then she goes out the front door, like that lady in the Be Witch that would always watch the neighbors and she's, Oh, hi. She'll go out and go, Oh, hi. Like, Oh, what a surprise. Well, we heard the beep when you left and then she just timed it. You're coming down the stairs and I'm sitting there going, oh, fuck, here she comes.

And then I don't want to hear them saying, oh, I'm in town for this or anything. It's just fucking. Yeah. I'm afraid of like, oh, what if I have to, you know, eat a pop tart in the middle of the night or take a dump and then I have to walk in and she's standing there like the girl from the ring going, can I help you? Would you like a sandwich? Like the grandma from Bad Sand?

But yeah, if you have any food allergies. I found a Motel 6 for $62 a night. Yeah, if you have any food allergies, let us know. Cause I'll drive to a store to get your special needs food. Yeah, they leave bagels out and everything. So if you want an Airbnb. That's not how ours operates. That's how I want it to operate.

But my wife makes a full slate of breakfasts. And then I get shit like zucchini casserole for dinner because that's a breakfast item. Yeah, these are things that I go maybe we're, I mean, at that point we will have been like joined at the hip except for your excursions for three full weeks and maybe, maybe we'll both need a break. My alone time. But at the same time, I also want to film a lot of it. And it's not, Andy's house is not walkable to anything, but you know. Oh yeah, you can get, you could rent a scooter.

That'd make good footage for about 30 yards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the bar I used to go down the hill to is closed, so there's really no escaping. Yeah, and the weather is miserable too. That I had to take into consideration. I would suggest. But the downtowner is still, that downtown motor end is still open and there's one down the street from that and that's right near the train station because we're taking the train from Portland so I

could just cruise over to that place and it's near a bar and that's all dog shit cheap and then I go, wait maybe Andy would want to fucking. Yeah, I could just say that I used to say to my parents when I go do drugs or whatever, I'm going over to my friends to listen to records. So I'll just go, oh, we're podcasting. And then we'll listen to records. Yeah, there you go.

All right, I don't know if they open the doors at six or 630. Oh no, Another show. Oh, the fucking bully and the guy in the Sky Club. We're in a sky club and we're leaving Nashville. Nashville is a day drinking show. And that was that was fun. But yeah, I didn't last long.

Mackenzie showed up with her new bow. I did guide. That was the first of my straying from trying to. Oh, yeah. I have somebody's backpack. Yeah, we ended up with an extra backpack. You got camel pants. I have your backpack. Yeah, he has a camouflage size for pants. And we go, it's probably Mackenzie's and a lot of bottled waters.

And you go, OK, well, if you do coke, you McKenzie's and a lot of bottled waters and you go, okay Well, if you do coke you probably have to have a lot of bottled water and there's a pair of glasses and I know she's Occasionally and she's like no that wasn't mine All right at some point where we're packing up the green room. We grabbed somebody's back back with their shit. So whoever it is, you know Probably can't see very well there's shit. So whoever it is, uh, you know, probably can't see very well. You're talking about the guy in the, uh,

sky club that was sitting on his computer. Yeah, we walk in the sky club and it's pretty empty. And there's a, always that one big table that you, uh, like a conference table that you could write at. And this guy's sitting directly in the middle, like he's claiming it for himself. And punching out on his computer, obviously stressed trying to do work, and he's right in the middle of the big table,

and then Doug sat next to him. And he said, did you? I said, no, I sat, he's here, so I sat here, and then Andy sat here, and then I had, had no Andy sat right next to him and then junior and by the time I got junior because they were over watching the game and by the time juniors sat down he just stopped off slam this thing shut and like you that's like if you went to a fucking atop in a restaurant and the families like families who sit there you don't fucking

take up an atop by yourself and expect that you're gonna get privacy you fucking cunt did you see when I was tapping the spoon I am before junior got there I was tapping the spoon he'd get start clicking and then he'd kind of look up and then get back to it he spent all that money for that Delta Sky Club and we fucked him over well then another guy sat over here after that guy stormed off this guy goes Oh, thank God. There's an open seat and then I just we were trying to scare him off with Conversation we became the one you hate Yeah, but I was surly that day because of the drug use the night before probably but there was a guy who sat in a chair

Directly in front of my vision and it was a guy with a muffin top and he had leopard yoga pants all squeezed up. Oh, I remember that guy. And he's sitting right fucking there. He had a front fupa. Yeah. A front dude fupa. Yeah, and I was like, oh, fuck this. And like, I was that guy slamming my computer.

He was disgusting. I did not see that. Oh, he had the, oh, and the leopard accentuated the fupa like perfectly. Yeah, and then he had plates of food and he was like, mm, you know, like, God damn it, I'm going to watch this guy eat. Fuck no. Yeah, that was that was that was day drinking. And you ran off with the kids.

Yeah, I went out. That's the drug use you're referring to. Yeah. Junior and I were so happy to have gone to bed that night. Me and Brett Brock went downtown and he was driving with all of them and they go, let us out here. Anyway, Brett went to park and he was gone forever. I thought, okay, well, he just went home and said, probably just as well you went home. Brett's a very animated guy and he loves to tell you about the history of the place.

And if you're a fan of Nashville at all, well, I'm gonna show you exactly how it works. But when he gets drunk, then he becomes Brett Brock, the talk's like. And that's when we exercised ourself from the equation. But Andy, and the last thing I texted you while you're out with fuckin', the bird cloud, and the fuckin from the equation, but Andy, and the last thing I texted you while you're out with fuckin', the bird cloud and the fuckin' guy,

and the, I go, don't you dare bring anyone back here because we're fuckin' three to a room. Yeah, and I had to overrule that. But so, Brepp's not at the bar. It's about an hour or more. And I assume he went home and then he's like, where are you guys? And then he finally finds where we are and he can't find his car anymore. Like he parked it, lost it, and then went looking for it and then found us and had no

idea. So it was like two in the morning or so. And I go, he goes, you think I could stay there? And I go, yeah, I just got a message about this. We're gonna have to be pretty quiet. It was a two room situation. And at some point I woke up early and he was up and I went down and he goes, I go,

yeah, thanks for not bringing anyone back. He goes, yeah, Brett Brock's sleeping in between our beds on the floor. Well, not in between. I got, you know, I assumed Brett was going to sleep with me in the bed. Cause it's a, you know, it was a queen size bed, but he, he, you know, next I, I get in the bed and then I'm waiting, you know, I've scored a dude at the bar. And he just curled up on the floor. Be on the side of my bed. They're all curled up on the floor, be on the side of my bed.

They're all curled up with a, I think he got a pillow. I think he asked for a pill. The weird thing is we were up for breakfast like early, like we're waiting for breakfast to start. And then you tell me that, and then we're hanging out downstairs at breakfast. Fucking with the, uh, the cheerleader moms, they're at a cheerleading competition. So we're doing our old gag about fucking with the cheerleader moms. They're at a cheerleading competition, so we're doing our old gag about pretending we're judges

and talking openly about how we rig these things. It just breaks my heart that some of the more talented girls just don't have the money to pay us. But then it's getting like towards 9 a.m. like when you fall asleep, shit faced on someone's floor, you're usually up about five o'clock going off, fuck I better get my shit. I think he couldn't find his car.

It's this guy sleeping in. Hey Lisa, no we're just talking about you. Yeah, but he found his car car several hours after in the morning, he went to the area and it still took him a long time to find his car. So, uh, to Lisa, what time did they open doors, six or six thirty? Six. Oh, good. All right.

It's good because we haven't even got to creepy Kevin yet. Oh yeah. Creepy Kevin are. Yeah. Oh yeah. Cause we're trying to beat the storm out of Nashville and uh, we did, but this guy had emailed me, Hey, you guys can stay at my place if you want. When you get to Raleigh. And, uh, I said, uh, thanks. You know, all three of us really. And he goes, oh, certainly. Well, I can fit all three. And I'll pick you up from the airport and I'll be your, oh, that's, that's funny.

Now he said, and I'll be your DD while you're designated driver while you're in town. Oh yeah. Uh, so I said, uh, no, no, we got hotels at the airport. But I was afraid if we missed our flight, they might cancel our fucking hotel reservation if we're, anyway, we're moving from the two days off at the airport hotel and we have five hours to kill before we check into our Airbnb by the club. And I go, well, let's, uh, hit this guy up and hit them some thrift

stores. And he was happy to drive us around. And that guy was, uh, you know, God bless his troubled life, which we found out every day. Yeah, we're in separate. It's a long story. I fucked up the hotels and I, I booked myself in a separate holiday in than them at the airport. Because, uh, you re and it was, uh, the 31st, which is funny cause Doug had the idea, but he didn't, it's only funny if you do it to April fools us with a suicide note

that that's why he got the separate hotel and it would have worked cause I was like, you know, it would have worked for long enough. You guys probably already figured this out why I goofed up on the hotels, cause you saw this coming, and I didn't want you to have to deal with the mess, but I fucking love you both, and this has nothing to do with you, I'm just.

I still would've walked over to his hotel, just to get the better breakfast. I would. Yeah, that would've been a sad Hooters night for us because Hooters was right next door. By the time we drove what a thousand yards to their hotel, the guy picked me up. I'd already heard his entire depressing, I got divorced and now I'm living alone and I like young pussy. That's what he just kept falling back.

This is five hours of this guy talking about, yeah. And I like to go down to the university district because there's young pussy down there. I don't hate to be an old guy, he's our age, that likes trying to hit on young pussy, but I like young pussy. I like to play guitar and I really like young women. Not too young though!

It just fucking went on. Like 18, but and then he like we went past was a softball field or something and he's like see young pussy. I like to pretend I'm handicapped like Ted Bundy and walk down to the local university. He looked like a young Bukowski, but like redded skin and fucking blossom nose. Yeah, so yeah, and then any woman on the thing, he's like, that's how I like him or that's, you know. It's like, yeah, I didn't wanna hear. Oh, I like it when he would pass a nice lady,

go, hello ladies. Yeah. And then he shows up at the show, comes in, he didn't even have a ticket. He was like, he's with us at this point. And Kevin says he's a crewman. You're expecting him. And, uh, and I said, oh yeah, okay. And then we're doing our own shit and he watches the show and then we're selling

merch and he's, he's texting me while I'm selling merch. Hey, this bartender, she's a great, great, great, great, great, great, great, and then we're doing our own shit and he watches the show and then we're selling merch. And he's texting me while I'm selling merch, hey, this bartender, she wants to hang out with me, but only if she knows that I hung out with you today. Can you hook a brother up, little help? And I don't even see these till later on because Julie Seabal was there. It's funny, because Junior's been doing like a goofy thing with us

at the end where he does right wing Mitch Hedberg. And, uh, I forgot Julie Seabal was at the show with Brian Mallow filming the Hedberg documentary. So then we go immediately from merch to filming stuff in the green room, just the casual conversation. And then he's like, you suck for ignoring me. Like all drunk and misspelled and not punctuated. The best part though is, so he's over there

talking to the waitress or whatever. And then he's over there and a wait, well, some of the staff come through the merch line. I think it was a lady that worked there, but a lady comes up and she leans in and she goes, I just wanted, and I thought, she was like, okay, like I thought that, and then she goes, no,

I wanted to tell you, don't get in a car with Kevin. Don't get in a car. He kissed her right in the lips. I kissed her on the lips. She was leaning in like it was gonna be like a friendly pack. Yeah, I didn't put a tongue down her throat or anything. And then I heard that from several other people, don't get in the car.

Yeah, that lady came up to me too. Our designated driver was shit faced. I assume he hooked up with some young women and got a ride home. He should have hooked up with that, there's a Hooters right next to their holiday in there. Andy, what we got in late, I was fucking just trash. That's when they told me, well, you're not at this holiday.

And I have a reservation for one, but not, and I'm like, ah, fuck, I fucked up. I was a holiday in holiday and express next door to each other. And then I'm trying to fix it, but it's late at night and I'm drunk and they put me on the phone with a robot and I'm like, I'll just go to the other fucking Holiday Inn. I can't figure this out. But he went to Hooters next to his. I went to Hooters, it was still open and had like 15, I had just enough time to go up and

order but it was so, it gave me a bad taste. Not the food, I mean the food did too, but just there was a couple, there was a lady working the bar and bending over and doing all the stuff you do to close when you work at Hooters, you know, everything's on the bottom shelf, so you got to bend over. But there's a couple and the lady says and when she bent over she goes enjoy that nice Tight snatch and asshole or but your but tight you're young. Yeah while you're young She's like what and then her husband's back there leaning like his wife just said answered a trivia question Yeah, and then the waitress says oh hear it and said what? And she said it again. Yeah, and then the waitress says, oh, you guys flatter me or whatever.

The waitress said, you told me, the waitress said what? And she goes, enjoy your nice tight-stitching ass while you're young. She didn't even like, go wow, I shouldn't have said that and I had to reprieve, nope, double down. The bartender, she's just, I think they take, they, they put up with whatever until they're, you know,

probably said that fucking perverted couple when they left, but didn't say it until they got the tip out or whatever. But, uh, yeah, I went back. That's where, that's where, uh, uh, creepy chem needs to find that lady. Yeah. Don't go after the young Hooters girl. Yeah. It's like old. Well, that's the thing.

It's like a guy who looks like, I mean, you know, unless that guy has a million dollars, he's not going to find the women he seems to be into without paying for it. So that's what I would say to them is like, you're an ugly fucking dude with negative stories and you're kind of a shit head. So settle down. I just had some things. Uh, Dyke.

Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, local comic in Indy, his name is Dyke, unfortunately. Uh, but he brought us a bottle. I, I should have brought it here to put it up. Brought us a bottle of local gin with brought it here to put it up brought us a bottle of local Gin with a cool ass label that I'm still humping around We were fucking couldn't find Bibles stolen hotel bibles for the whole beginning of this tour And then last night a guy dropped off eight of them

And we and Andy our hotel now and he's been pilfering and following the maid cards. And as soon as they open a door to fucking clear it out and they move on, he goes in. So now we have fucking 18 Bibles. Before we had Bibles, we were going for about $100 in Nashville because we only had two. Now we have 18. It's a fire sale because we get a fly tomorrow. I'm not carrying a fucking rack of books. Oh man, but what a way if the plane goes down, we'd have a Bible handy.

And the guy is so funny because Andy started talking about it, the story from years ago where I had a rental van here and we got iced in an ice storm and you couldn't get a cab. It's just everything like coated with ice. So no cabs and it's like three in the morning and the kitchen is like, sorry guys, I gotta shut down. So we were forced to have a, we found the soberest person of us. There were two people that had walked out of the show that were trapped too.

So they had walked out of the show and now they're counting on us to... Yeah. So the soberest girl available, I let her drive and slid right through the fucking red light immediately out of this complex and T-bones of BMW. And Andy starts riffing on that story, going somewhere else.

And that guy was here. He's like, I was the guy. I was the guy, remember? He's a salesman. Yeah, yeah, now I knew that. I mean, I said salesman and he goes, yeah. That's how I told the story. I coked up salesmen in a Beamer.

Hey Lisa, we just said that you said we broke gratuity records all time? And that's after you count out the 8% for us? We work for the IRS, see? All right, let's wrap it up. Yeah, we got a show to do here. Yeah. Yeah, we got to get our drink on.

Yeah, fuck it, that's enough. Is there anything that you had footage of that we didn't address that you wanted to? Oh, yeah, well, I mean, it's not really much, but I did dose some Canadian geese with a pot cookie. Oh yeah, follow Doug's Google reviews. Yes, the Google reviews. If you want to follow the tour, I'm sure there's a way you can just click on my profile and just. He needs the points. He wants to be diamond Google reviewer, medallion Google guy. We have one more show and then we're flying to Portland. This won to be diamond Google reviewer, medallion Google guy.

We have one more show and then we're flying to Portland. This won't be out in time, but it should be out in time to plug Atlanta dates, plug any dates. People think I'm dead and that might be my fault for randomly leaving obituaries and local paper. Just to see if I get any attention. You should come out shaking like you had Mario Card. I know this The other night we've been starting to are y'all ready for this Really loud announcements and then Doug went I'd saw him in the showroom and then he just Disappeared and then that music playing and we keep assuming Doug's going up there

But he didn't it just kept playing over and over and then I told me we're starting late So I don't know that that means 90 seconds late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so when they were about the fourth time through, I looked out over here and didn't see you. And then I went, like, maybe you died. Like maybe you dropped dead in the back. I keep telling people that someone on this tour

or associated with this tour will be dead by the end of the 2025 tour. Could be you, could be Chad, could be me, could be bingos, a long shot. Could be our driver, Kevin. Yeah, Junior would just maybe break a little sooner at those fucking red lights. They old man hold the fucking seats sometimes. I'm the worst backseat driver. I don't know.

We'll save up our fucking our personal pet peeves as we annoy each other more and more. But so far so good. Hey, thanks. And yeah, check out the tour dates and let people know we got to go.