The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Podcast #17: Comedian Lynn Shawcroft

Episode Date: January 20, 2014

Doug welcomes comedian Lynn Shawcroft back to Bisbee for cigarettes and lively discourse. Highlghts include; levels of hoarding, things NOT to lose on a plane, Doug's first walk off and a wager over a Hedberg joke. This podcast sponsored by Dr. Neill McCloud, DDS and Dave's Killer Bread.Recorded Jan 13, 2014 in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope, Brian Hennigan and Lynn Shawcroft. Engineered by Seany. Produced by Greg Chaille. @gregchaille  Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes. back to BisbeeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you are listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey this is the uh doug stanhope podcast uh we're about to be with uh uh brian hennigan and lynn shawcroft to uh talk about shit. All right. All right. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink after the liquor stores are closed

I heard you change your name again but don't you change your hair But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end La la la Oh, hi.

Derek? That ice bucket, the gold ice bucket, can you fill that full of ice for us? Hey, you're very sweet, thank you. You know, I had to get two cups. It's very wasteful, but I'll take it. Hello? Oh, yeah. You can use the second one. It's like getting the two tortillas or the taco, you know, when you get the... But you eat those.

Yeah, but because you have one for the shit that spills out and then you have two tacos. But you know what else? When I go to the Starbucks and I get a Americano and a large, they put two cups and I tell them not to and then they have to burn

their hand while they make it. But I say, it may be hot for a minute, but you're saving a tree, and they agree. I think agree is the wrong word. They comply. Speaking of tacos, I bought shrimp. Are we recording? As far as you know.

Oh, okay, good. Yeah, this is the Doug Stanhope podcast. I bought you a pack of cigarettes. I saw it. With Brian Hennigan. I don't smoke. Goodbye, y'all. Shawnee in the driver's seat doing all the production today.

Guest, Chaley. Yeah, our local Chaley. And our guest today is Ms. Lynn Shawcroft. Thank you. Thank you. I just want to let the podcast listeners know that I, too, know a person called Shaley that they refer to, and they call him Shaley. But his name is Shaley.

I pronounce the hard C-H, Shaley, just to annoy him. I name people. You know that, Shawcroft? What do you name? Bingo. Do you think she was Bingo? Her family still calls her Amy, but no one else. Well, her last name's Bingaman.

Yeah, and no one ever thought to call the whole family Bingo. Well, how do you know? Maybe when she was eight, someone did. That's the only reason the family calls her Amy, is because they all call each other Bingo, because they're all Bingamons. So she's the only bingo of the Bingamons. Did you ever do you ever nickname Lynn? Well, in high school, it was Lynn Lynn the garbage bin. And I didn't like it. Hang on. We have a we

have a caller. Oh, really? Yeah. Hey, caller, you're on the air on the Doug Stanhope podcast with Brian Hennigan and Lynn Shawcroft. Hello. First time, long time. Am I on? Yes, you are, Andy. This is Andy Andrist just called in. Oh. Hello.

Things are going smoothly. Is this real? I'm getting a barrage of phone calls about your shitting a bitch, and I wanted to know what would be a practical way to tell people that you're not a b****. We'll save this conversation for after the podcast. I'll call you in about an hour. Why didn't you help him out? He's getting a barrage.

All right. Did you have anything you wanted to plug? Any dates? Any upcoming releases? Yeah. Hello? Yeah. Hello? Yeah, go to andyandris.com, everyone.

Okay, that was Andy. All right, thanks. We love you, Andy. Do you like the fact that grown men call each other? So tell me, are you on the phone a lot?

No, I hate the phone. But you get a lot of phone calls, right, Dad? No, I don't. And I notice fewer and fewer times my phone rings in a week i don't think i have any friends left but how do you communicate with your friends like they show up at parties or i or i'm on the road and i see them there we can insert a mitch

hebert joke right there i hang around we already did we inserted we just did a death pool podcast and we inserted it we because the fact that you've come in dead last in the time. We just did a death pool podcast, and we inserted it. Because the fact that you've come in dead last in the death pool two years in a row, yet you are Mrs. Mitch Hedberg, you'd think you'd be able to pick celebrity death a lot easier. You'd have a keen eye for it, but you stink. Here's why I joined the death pool. You pay $50.

I don't want to win. I don't want to be connected to that in a positive way. So I just, I let the other people win. It's like I'm donating to the poor people at Bisbee. So that's how I do it

because they win. So, you know, it's like just... She actually, I could look up the text, but I won't. But she texted me the first time she got a kill

in Celebrity Death Pool. Who was it? It was Larry Hagman. Larry Hagmanman and she felt uh remorse i did i felt bad but um speaking of larry hagman because when i was a kid i used to watch the show dallas and when you were a kid did you think that like okay i think that if when you're a kid your parents and teachers should say to you oh by the by the way, everything that we're teaching you, it's all going to change. Because no one tells you that when you're a kid. When I was a kid, I thought, these are the movie stars.

These are the diseases. These are the trees. And now it's all different. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I know exactly what you mean. You know how to kill a podcast. Why? Don't you think?

Speaking of Larry Hagman. Oh, really? How did that go for you? Oh, because when I was a kid, I thought Larry Hagman, well, that's the guy on TV, thinking that that's my whole life. And you thought he was going to be the guy on TV. TV my whole life, yeah. And then you'd go, wow, he's dead now,

and I'm still in last place in the death pool. No, okay. wow, he's dead now, and I'm still in last place in the death pool. No, okay. Like I said, it's how I surreptitiously donate to the poor mothers of Bisbee. I didn't watch Dallas, but I remember- The down-and-out pregnant ladies of Bisbee. When it was Who Killed J.R., The Cliffhanger, I went through, it was like a people magazine that all the people it could be,

and I remember wagering like not for money probably, but in my head I was like. Your inner gamble. Yeah, I was gambling on it. I bet it's him. Oh, yeah. I'd always have a favorite even if I didn't watch the sport. I always had a bet, like a president.

I remember I was rooting for Jimmy Carter before he was even close. I don't know why. Because he knew he was a future poet. I had states I wanted to move to just because they had cool names. So what does that mean? Yes, you know what? You're the type of person,

I've met a few of you in my life, that do things like, oh, you're my third best friend. You put things in lists, there's priorities. You have favorites. It's so trying being your friend. I'm like, crawl back from five i don't know it's it's weird you say that because uh andy like you get to a place where you refer to so many people as your best friend yes and you go

i think i'm not sure if andy or becker would like well I was your best friend. We're almost 50 fucking years old. I get a lot of people, you say, it's my best friend. Brian's my best friend. Chaley's my best friend. I'm kind of fond of Derek. What about me? But could you really consider Derek a friend? What isn't a friend?

An exchange of ideas? What ideas have you got from Derek lately? Derek? Derek? Derek's lovely. No, he plays retard. No, he doesn't. Reverend Derek is our friend that's our caretaker of sorts as well. He's like a smooth operator.

He's like the Sade of caretakers. He talks like this and he's got a thousand-yard empty gaze. For those in Canada, that's a 12.8-meter stare. Those are for Canadian listeners. This morning, Melissa was over here, and she's talking. She's pregnant again, and she said she has to go. She's 35, so they do retard tests for the baby to see if it's going to be a tard. And I go, how do they test?

And Reverend Retard Derek goes, well, what they do is they test the ambiotic fluid. I'm like, where do you fucking come up with this shit and pretend to be a fucking dunce cat for the whole life? When someone's pregnant, Derek, do you think that the baby's always in there while she's pregnant? What's that?

I don't know. I was trying to stump the doctor. I don't know. I think this will just be me filling the dead air until you start talking. Okay, so back to... I really did want to bring this up. Okay, so I think,

and I think this could solve all wars, peace, is... Hold on, I'll get my notepad. Listen, if this... Look, I'm not just saying this. If this can solve world peace, don't blow it on a podcast. What if a Nobel Peace Prize happens to... This is the germ of the Nobel Peace Prize.

We're probably not recording, but anyway. If everybody was told when they were younger oh by the way nothing like everything is different than when i was a kid like the way we solve mental illness and things like that i i'm not i'm not very articulate but if we told people when they were kids go ahead that by the way everything's going to be different people wouldn't have wars there's a conversation yeah Yeah, table talk. Keep your table talk to a minimum down there. That's the post-Deadpool.

That mic picks up the entire room. And there's no furnishing in here whatsoever. Have you ever wanted to learn how to do sign language so you could fight with your boyfriend in a creative way? All right, let's end this one. I'm sorry. Actually, I'm going to pause this one. But yeah, you can just keep talking.

Chaley will edit out all the dumb shit. But do you know what I mean? Like, okay, so when you were a kid, when you heard of certain diseases, didn't you think, okay, those are the diseases in life. You don't want to get those. Those are the movie stars.

These are what houses are. These are the countries. Things change. At what point did you realize that you were living in a universe that changed? Maybe, I don't know, 2008, 2009? So that's well after Mitch died. Yes. I knew about death. I knew about death.

But, I mean, don't you think, put it this way, if we told people who were extreme, those people that put things on their chest that blow people out? Suicide bombers. Suicide bombers. If you said as a kid, by the way, things change, lands will change, deserts shall become pools. Pools?

Wait, what who doesn't? What child doesn't know that? You're assuming that everyone's like you. No. Nostalgia and everything. People try and create because that's the fear of change. Were you brought up in Legoland or something? I don't know.

I'm sorry. I just invented penicillin here. They threw it in the garbage. These people are like. They do not want awards, peace awards. Forget it. So you're saying if you just teach kids that... By the way, nothing is nothing and it'll all change.

Yeah, Justin Bieber will one day be on a fucking VH1 list show talking about dumb criminals. Yes, yes. Just let people know that. Then you understand it's all shifting. Like the atmosphere could get on fire. We'd like oh let's get along no you wouldn't okay really no but you know what i'm saying you'd think about that once when you were high and you let it go but you held on to it no it's not a high feeling this isn't a high thought yes it is it certainly sounds like just some daydreamy dumb shit.

But that's why we love you. Daydreamy dumb shit. I was really hoping. Don't just sum up a person. There's no way to time it, but we always get into a big fight every time you come down here, or you get into a fight with me. That's not true. It is true. You sort of.

I hope that that happens on the podcast. Yes. Really? Yeah. There's always some, at some point when you visit, you're always going to march out, and I'm just going to leave then. I never do. See, had I known that as a child, I probably wouldn't be doing that now.

But the thing is, I don't get angry in my real life. But when I come here, Douglas Jean has this thing where he, there's something about... DJ. Like Gene Simmons, for Christ's sake. Oh my God, I thought Gene is in... I thought Gene is in Gene Stapleton. Who? By the way...

What? Yeah. It was on the desk this year. She's a G. That's why I said G. He's a G. I said DJ. You's a G. I said D. Don't worry. You're just confused, Brian.

Anyway, back to your spot on theories. Oh, watchy. Like that one. I used to be able to do a perfect Edith Bunker when I was a kid. Didn't it feel real when you did it? Yeah. It wasn't a really difficult impression. I know.

Oh, the fights. Because I don't know if Doug does this to other visitors. I'll put up a P.O. Box. You can send me some answers. P.O. Box 123, Running Springs, California. At Lynn. No, what's your weird idea? Shawcroft, isn't it?

Just at Shawcroft? What's your Twitter handle? Oh, my Twitter is at Shawcroft. I update it five times a day or once a month alright that's what you get with me yeah I had to

actually Google it to find you to tweet you something but she does have just her surname that's pretty impressive at Shawcroft at Shawcroft

yeah that's I know that's like getting like share but the last name version some motherfucker has Doug Stanhope on skype yeah i had to go with doug stanhope one thank god i never use skype that's not you no some asshole you know you know by the way convince me to do skype you know who's really pissed off about

henry phillips apparently there's some low rent tiny comedian somewhere in the other part of the country but he got henry phillips at henry phillips and henry phillips is going nuts about this he wants he wants it he's trying to get authenticated by twitter yeah and it's a very upsetting for him yeah hen lips is not and uh what might be bigly use burbiggs he's verified henry you call Birbigs. If I say Birbigs, you know who I'm talking about. If I say Henlips, you have no... So when I want to say, hey, me and Henlips are doing a gig, he's not...

They have no idea until they show up. Oh, that's Henry Phillips. Henry, think of this. Someone right now is giving birth to a thalidomide child. Now, put your Henl lips problem up next to that. See, Henry is not, he's such a soft touch that he wouldn't take the initiative to go, hey, this guy has Henry Phillips and I want it. Joe Rogan, same thing.

He has to have JoeRogan.net because some fucking real estate cunt has JoeRogan.com and wanted an outrageous amount of money to sell it. I go, just have you, you have a fucking billion angry Twitter followers that will make that guy's life hell. Oh, sick him.

Okay, so I'm going to give the audience a background that Doug is, I mean, the one thing I think about, like I really don't really want to fight with Doug and point out his foibles is because one day if someone does me wrong, I want to be able to use that and be like, I'm going to get Doug Stanhope. But here's a quick story.

I was married to the amazing Mitch Heberg and we used to buy vehicles, but there was something in both of our natures that we would never test drive a car. I don't know I think we both were like we trust you so we bought lots of shitty vehicles and they always broke down so we bought this Jaguar for a thousand dollars what could go wrong yeah but when we went to go thousand dollar Jaguar wow we thought it was gonna be but we went when we went to go meet the guy it was was a guy. He lived in Las Fieles. This is like ages ago. So we went to go get it.

And in the guy's house, Mitch noticed that the guy who was selling the car had tickets to the Playboy Mansion. And Mitch goes, this is before we bought it. Mitch goes, oh, you're going to Playboy Mansion? The guy goes, yeah, I bought tickets. So Mitch kept that in his head. So we went and bought this car. And it was a $1,000 Jaguar. And the guy had it impounded.

So we met the guy, gave him the money. As we were leaving, the car started smoking and blowing up. It was a piece of shit. So we had to just drive it on the side of the road. We were mad. But this is what we did in the retaliation. This is pre-social media. This is the type

of thing I would have used your army for. So Mitch called up and said, hey man, you know, that's not cool, the car. And the guy wouldn't answer. So then I called up and I said, yeah, we have friends that work at CBS and NBC News and we're going to get them to do a story tonight

on the thing about you. The guy didn't answer. Then Mitch finally got mad and he left a message and said, who fucking buys tickets to the Playboy Mansion, you fucking loser? You get invited, you fucking moron. He was like calling someone out. So he was like, you're a fucking idiot.

Anyway, who buys tickets? See, I would have called the Playboy Mansion as that guy and said, listen, I bought tickets and I better get fucking blown. If I'm coming to the fucking place, I fucking going to get my dick sucked or there's going to be problems. And then the fucking security's on high alert to throw that guy out.

See, we weren't that sophisticated. I tried my friends in the news, like ABC, Los Angeles, were going to do a case on him. I was like, if you see cameras outside your house, buddy, it's just my pal. But Rich was just disgusted.

Do you still have his number? Oh, shit. I know you're a hoarder. I'm a mid-level hoarder, but... I'm a mid-level hoarder. I'm a mid-level hoarder, but the joke is I lose stuff. So I'm 100% normal, guys. But the thing is, you are a hoarder.

I am. Yeah. But I de-hoer. I am. Yeah. Yeah. But I de-hoard. I go through. That's true. It's manic depressive. So I'll go like, right now I have a stack of at least like 25 dumb sport coats,

leisure suit shit that I'm going to sell. I did it when I moved here in LA. I did an eBay yard sale. That was almost a decade ago. Yeah. So I'm doing it again as soon as I can get all that. So I got a stack of that. I got Man Show VHS, like the production copies. Why don't you just invite over a bunch of thieves?

Well, it was great in L.A. when we did an actual yard sale and then an eBay yard sale. I was there at your yard sale. But this is Bisbee. Right. And you're going to be selling shit that people gave you for Christmas. It's like putting junk into the junk. It's like overfeeding the fish.

Yeah. Quarter. How about a quarter then? Here's a real good thing if you're a hoarder. Make friends with a narcissist. See? Always problem solving. There you go. I solve all the problems. Make friends with a

narcissist. Get involved. Get involved with a chemistry set that goes wrong. You get rid of your stuff that way. It's harder to throw it away, but if it's in a fire, what can you do? See, I've never still to this day been to your cabin. I day been to your cabin. You've never been?

I've been to the cabin. Yeah, yeah. With his bride. Oh, yeah? Yeah, no, it's... How big is it? It's really small. And you hoard

in a small place. That's a problem. I don't live in my hoard. Have you ever seen someone who's described as living in their hoard? Yeah, we watch the show. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Lynn watches the show. Oh, okay. Yeah. Lynn watches the show to say, see, I'm not as bad as that. Right. But before the word was invented, Mother was a hoarder. Is there not as bad as these people that go on Oprah? It's not that bad.

Have you seen? Yeah. And that's when the hoarding, before the word was coined. Can I just ask you a question? How can you call me a hoarder if you've never been to my home? Because you talk about it. I know we share a lot of similar qualities.

Not only are we both have small pores. You are probably one of the people I'm closest to as far as talking about life shit. No, see, this is how he lures you in, people. Do not fall for this. Have I ever said that to any of you? Lummox is hanging around? No.

Because we have a similar... World view? Open book. Well, no. Open book? No, we... Oh, my God, I'm private. The road, drugs, alcohol,

fucking a similar hatred for similar types of people. What about the elephant in the room? Charisma. Charisma. drugs, alcohol fucking a similar hatred for similar types of people charisma can girls be charismatic I remember when I was a kid I watched the movie The Sting and the movie Papillon with my kid and I cried because I said I'll never be a man because those are like things you get

they're charismatic men going to jail and pulling the con don't be mad at that, please. Yeah. Am I failing at the podcast? No, no. No, really. We just can't keep up with you, Lynn.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, no, I never remember thinking I'll never be a man. Certainly not after watching Papillon. I think I watched Papillon too. Papillon was full of shit too. But I watched that too. That guy was basically full of shit.

It was a complete fraud. But did it matter? Because like really 10 years, I know, but that... It's based on an untrue story. Yeah, who cares? Yeah, so yeah. It's a movie. Name one movie that was put out during that time period with Steve McQueen that wasn't fake.

I think The Getaway. That is based on a true story. But I watched Papillon when I was too young. Like, I think it was seven, and I watched it really intensely. And then after that, I went into my closet for like two hours. I was like, I could not be Papillon. And since then, I've been obsessed with jail. Jail.

In England, do they spell jail G-O-A? I did see you pull out your tooth last night, so that was very Papillon-esque. Yeah, no, no, yes, that's true. I say very like Papillon. Yes. So tell us about your tooth on the plane. Oh, well, I have really bad teeth,

and I've sucked my thumb. Another thing we share. I sucked my thumb. I still suck my thumb to this day. But also, I just had bad teeth. Another thing we share? I suck my thumb. I still suck my thumb to this day. Also, I just had bad teeth, and I was scared to take care of them. A lot of people, listeners probably have bad teeth right now. And you know what? Don't ignore it because it's one of those things that problems get worse.

Yeah, if someone's breath smells like a fucking dead fetus, tell them. Yeah, for sure. That might not be your teeth. That could be your soul. That could be your soul. It could be, but a good periodontal technician will tell you the difference. And what I learned over the years, teeth do not fix themselves. Yeah, I have a jar of my back teeth. I'm worried.

You've never – They're gone. Yeah, one of the nicest things somebody ever said to me was because I had the, so to speak, courage to say to him, you need to go and brush your teeth because it's like nobody told him. It's like he'd been walking around all his fucking life with horrible, like, bad breath. That's fucking periodontal disease.

No one needs to tell you that. And it was too late. Yeah, but some people aren't willing to say, go. Exactly. Yeah, people, yeah. Oh, I like your honesty. Well, until it's bad. And at your expense.

What about those Ann Landers? Our co-workers smells, what should we do? You don't go up and say, go see a dentist. Tell us how you do it. I jot it down on a piece of paper and send it to a PO box and then I read that weekly for a fucking year,

hoping my letter gets answered. That's what I do. So how did your teeth get fixed, Lynn? Okay, so anyway, I just wanted to tell people out there, as much as you want it, your teeth will not repair themselves. So, you know, it was getting to the point. This is not a PSA. Tell us how you lost your dumb tooth on a plane.

I want your people to learn things. Anyway, so my teeth were bad, and it was the type of thing that you kept inside, and I was like, hopefully I'll get murdered before I have to deal with this, which is always my way out of all my problems. But anyway, so anyway, so I was going to go,

and I just knew I was, it's like one of those things you, like, it's another thing to hate yourself. Like, oh, great, I'm letting my teeth fall apart. Anyway, Mr. Brian Gene Hennigan? He doesn't have a middle name. It's weird. He doesn't have a middle name. It's weird. I don't have a middle name.

Me neither. Really? No. Is this like an American thing? Are you saying that... We're circumcised and have middle names? Which makes us better than other countries? My dad was like,

why do you need a middle name? It's stupid. So I was always proud of it, but then I figured out he gave the rest of my family middle names. He was just lazy. Her dad's British. Yeah. Yeah, but the rest... Did you hear hear that the rest of her family has middle names and then they just got bored with her whatever lynn yeah lynn okay so anyway

so my teeth are bad and and he and brian set you up with a brian set me up with a let's say he's an amazing dentist and probably the most expensive dentist in Los Angeles. And another thing is too, like, don't you find in this- Which means the world. Yes. Oh my God. There's another guy in Monte Carlo that's- Yeah, yeah.

The French Riviera. Yeah. The guy that's really good at- But the point is this- He's amazing. Cut to the chase. Anyway, I had to get extractions, which for Doug's audience, that is get your teeth yanked.

Yeah, I just talked about it. I had like nine yanked. Oh, that's what I'm worried about you. You should get something in there because have your teeth moved since? They move all over the place. I know. I know. That's the beauty.

See? I just try not to smile. That's why I'm bitter. If you tell kids your teeth might move, maybe they'd be better people. So can you get to the plate? All right. Sorry. Anyway, so I have a thing called, my dentist calls them dentures, but I don't use that

word. I call them partials until you get implants because I have an implant over here. Anyway, I have a lower one that never comes out and I'll do it. Don't do it. We can put a picture on podcast. Yeah, we will do that later but not right now um anyway oh my god you're the one that sent me anyway the biggest most squeamish person in the world how would you like to see a maggot on a dead cat what okay go on when mother's

cat was uh mother's cat i thought it would die when she died. It was like 18 or 19 years old, and it stunk like it was dead. It was mostly blind, and it would occasionally come up and paw at you for attention, and it would touch Brian, and he would shriek like Flanders from The Simpsons. It was like being touched by the hand of death. It was grotesque. I don't like it. So after a year and a half of this thing, waiting for it to die, it couldn't even really.

Please tell me it died on him. I made a box for it. I made a box for it. He said, you have to put that down. I go, I want to, but I can't do it. Kick it. One swift kick. Brian says, I can do it, but I won't touch it.

So if you'll put it in a box, I'll bring it to the vet. Good. So he made up this death box with goodbye kitty written on it. Insert cat here. Aw. But you don't understand. He's like he is. He came to the rescue of my mottled mouth and that deadly cat.

That's right. That's right. But I know what you mean. The fact that I would love to have seen this cat because you accept the pets here anyway. And I'm like, I won't touch them. So that cat must have been fucking. That cat was grotesque. Was it puke?

Animated puke? It was matted and you couldn't comb it out. Anything with cloudy eyes shouldn't exist. Yeah. So back to your teeth. You're the most expensive dentist in the world. He yanks out your front teeth. He yanks out a couple of front teeth, gives you a partial.

And then you go straight to the Delta terminal. No, I didn't go straight to the Delta. To get the partial is $1,500. And our dentist, Dr. McLeod, who's sunset over. I can't stop. Yes, dropped. Dr. Neil McLeod. Dr. Neil McLeod. He's amazing. Brian swears by

him. He is amazing. John called him an artist. John Doerr. John Doerr, who is a good friend. TV's John amazing John called him an artist John Doerr John Doerr who is a good friend TV's John Doerr television's John Doerr had his teeth done there and loves him

and can I just tell you this Dr. McLeod didn't like me in the beginning he goes because I have really bad teeth he said to me

he goes yeah because you spoke and then he left I went in crying because I was just so excited and then he came back he goes have you had a good cry about that one

have you? Alright like that's what he does he goes oh have you had a cry about it Dr. Neil McLeod said to Lynn you know you're in trouble when a dentist of 40 years says you've got one of the worst mouths I've ever seen No this is what he said he's almost 70 Well tweakers don't go to the most expensive

so there's worse mouths out there You know what my dentist said to me? My dentist said, he goes, oh, I love a good challenge. He's almost retiring. He's the shawty of dentistry. I'll get that gumball machine open, you watch. He's worked with World War II teeth. And he said to me, my friend Bonnie goes,

this is the culmination of all his education. Dealing with your pocket mouth. So anyway, I have the partial. And it's hard because it's like a plate. It's like a plate. Roof of your mouth. Yeah, it's like upper roof of your mouth. And it's got two teeth attached.

Anyway, I take it out a lot because just in my own home to brush it and suck my thumb if I have to. Or eat chocolate. I know, I could smoke a stogie out of that. Anyway, so I was on a flight, and I had a couple of Klonopin, and I took it out, and I lost it on the flight when I was going to New Orleans. To do a gig. No, there's two. I lost it twice. This is not the front tooth. This is next to the front tooth. No, it's the front one. No, it's not my front one. I've got two front. No, those's two. I lost it twice. This is not the front tooth. This is the next to the front tooth.

No, it's the front one. No, it's not my front one. I've got two front. No, those are two teeth. There. Those two teeth are fake. There's a microphone. You're pointing to it.

I'm so sorry. There's a microphone. Okay. Show me. Okay. Point to the tooth that's fake. It's my canine and the one beside it. All right.

So it's in the front of your mouth. Yes. Yeah, it's not the front, but it's the tooth beside the front tooth. It's the classic fucking hillbilly tooth. Yes. Like I said, I like to come... So you lost it on the plane.

How long before you realized that you're walking out without a fucking tooth? When I got off the plane, I noticed. When I got off the plane and I got my bag, I noticed, so I went back and I said, can I look? They were like... They weren't gagging.

They just weren't interested. So I had to spend a week in the french quarter with no teeth worst places to be exactly so then i called the dentist and i had it it takes 10 days to get it remade and i got another one and then another time i lost it i can't remember and i had to do a show at the improv hen Henry Phillips' show. Henry Phillips' show. And I came and I said to the audience, hey, sorry about my mouth, and the audience didn't even notice.

Well, that's because they weren't... They're being polite. They're the same people who didn't tell you that you fucking had rotten breath, which you never did. Oh, God. And the podcast is over. The point is...

We haven't dug deep into your... Did you not call up Delta Lost and Found and say... No, I did. When I went there, as soon as I got off the plane, I was walking down the hall towards my bag. I was like, oh, my teeth. So I went back to look for it. Did anyone find my teeth?

Oh, yes, I did lose. And then the third time I lost it in the Home Depot. But sometimes when you're shopping, I don't know. But then I would refuse. I'm going to assume that was a joke. No, it was true. Okay, good. Were you testing the timber?

What happened? Sometimes you just take them out. To get a discount. To get a discount. I'm on a limited budget. I was like, listen. No, because I was joking. I was like, one of my jokes when I go to Home Depot is like,

I need to build an extra room. And do you have anything to make some teeth? No, I don't. But anyway, I refused to believe I'd lost them on the Home Depot one. So I was looking at garbage. And I didn't throw garbage out and stuff because I was looking for it. But then I went up to Canada for a month and I still didn't have my teeth just because I couldn't

go through the embarrassment of trying to get a fourth set and paying $1500 so I was up in Canada. Can I get a packet of six of these teeth? Anyway. You don't really get one subscription. But here's the thing Dr. Neil McLeod the best

so I was up in Canada and John Doerr was like Lynn you have to get your teeth so he called. Because he's the thing. Dr. Neil McLeod, the best. So I was up in Canada and John Doerr was like, Lynn, you have to get your teeth. So he called. Because he's walking around with you. No, I was up in Canada by myself. But he was concerned. See, Brian would be,

that's the kind of guy Brian is. He's like, oh, I don't want to go out with you if you don't have your teeth. I won't be seen in public with you.

What are you going to do with your 90-year-old friends? You're a disfigured person. I don't want to be seen in your company. Don't look in the mirrors. Oh, I look in the mirror. Oh, he does.

He puts on a tape of just applause when he masturbates. And you know what? The applause is never long enough. Because it takes so long because you don't have an imagination. Oh, I got an imagination. He imagines himself masturbating. Yeah.

Oh my God. On a picture. Like you should just do an iPhone of you holding an iPhone masturbating with it like infinity. Just younger you

jerking off. Well, how old were you when you first did your first jerk off? And in England they do it later, don't they? I first noticed

the whole thing when I was claiming a pool. His mother's leg go on no what does that mean go ahead no like you rubbed up you know like when you're there's a swings there was a like a children's play area and I was from a Harvard you know approaching the age of puberty and I was climbing up this pole and I felt this thing between my leg and I went, ooh, what the hell's that? Yeah.

That's kind of, yeah, so I did a lot of pool climbing. We imagine the pools. So did you, like now when you see a monkey bar, people think you're getting off on kids, but it's really the monkey bar? Yeah.

It's a bad situation to be in. Exactly. That's funny, actually. That's very funny, Lynn. Write that down. It's a Juddapato show. Thank you. A Juddapato show a Judd Apatow show. Thank you. A Judd Apatow show. A Judd Apatow short.

How often do you do shows? Quite a bit. Do you? Yes. I don't know. I'm out of the loop. Well, you know, considering you ask me all the time. I don't ask you all the time.

I know, I know. You were going to come here. Did you ever take the train from New Orleans? You were going to come here. You were in the French Quarter. No, I called you prior. You had just got out of a bitter, I know. You were going to come here. Did you ever take the train from New Orleans? You were going to come here. You were in the French Quarter. No, I called you prior. You had just got out of a bitter, bitter relationship. Yeah, but no, that was a breakup that I created in my head.

Okay, but then you were going to go. You said, I can't wait to come down because we can have some serious cocktails now. And I'm like, oh, I have normal cocktails with Lynn. Yeah. But I don't drink that much. Are you drunk? now and I'm like oh yeah normal cocktails with Lynn was yeah yeah and now she's gonna get really drunk it's not often Doug heads for the bunker but when you said that he was like he went into pre-cocktail training yeah we put bubble wrap on everything no that that was a different time but anyway um I was gonna go to New Orleans and take the train back here but you told me you'd be on the road so I didn't do it.

All right. Maybe I just lied. It's a good job she doesn't check your days. No, I remember telling you to do it. It was my idea to take the train here from New Orleans. Because I called you and I said, hey, are you going to be around? I'd love to come over and get some drinking done.

Yeah. Which is totally gay. But you never really have a schedule. Right. You're going to go there at some point. No, I did have my schedule for the. Right. You're going to go there at some point and then come here at some point. No, I did have my schedule for the New Orleans. But I would love to.

I just want to ask the listeners and audience, is there a vitamin, a class you can take that can make you make plans more than two-day events? That's what I want to learn in life. Why? Because I don't know how. But why would you need to? So I can have a full life.

So that, for example, when she was coming down here, starting on Tuesday in her thinking process, she'd actually get to a place where she could book a cheap ticket as opposed to trying to book it on the Friday. I see. Yeah, but you know what? I got a cheap ticket through some other scenarios. Well, Delta now...

My father, when I was a kid, my parents, we can all talk about it. Her father is a travel professional. My dad was, hello, Shawcroft, how was service? May I help you? And a lot of people have surgeon in the blood. I have travel agent in my DNA. And if you want anyone in this room, pick a trip. I will book it.

I will get you the better hotel and a cheaper price. Just trust me. I'll put you head-to-head against Hennigan. No, I know Hennigan's good, but you don't have that extra, that travel chromosome. I think Hennigan has it. Oh, fucking Hennigan.

Hennigan just gave me the litany of, well, if I use this card now, and then I use this, I just one purchase, and that's 30,000 miles on each, and then I just get rid of them, and there's no annual fee. No, no, no, no.

Let's do this. You say to us five days, Madagascar, March 2015, we'll both fucking head to head. I will beat them. All right. Beat me at what though? Booking. Well, I can challenge you to that. Find us a place because I get those first class

upgrades which are almost unusable. Listeners, I always go to listeners. Have you noticed people on this podcast? If you're listening, I tend to care about you guys a little bit more than you guys. I wish I like there's sometimes I wish I had like a I would love to do a podcast just about travel. Oh, my God. I would bore the shit out of everyone. No, I wouldn't.

Let's do it. And you know what? I will insert songs, Childhood Mary. That's a joke. I had a fucking, I got a number of a flight attendant, a dude. Oh, the guy at Tucson. It was some flight. I was drunk, and one of the guys recognized me,

and so they're both there talking to me, and I got one guy's number, and then I had a Delta question and I can't, I, it's not in my fucking question. I had some inside, like, like I, here's, here's the thing I found out. Yes. Use your points. No, on, uh, on Delta, you know, cause they have, if you get bumped up, they'll give you two meal options.

Yes. Yes. And, uh, one of them is always fucking horrible. One of them I actually tweeted was a vegetable salad. Redundant. As opposed to tinfoil. It was either that really good thing or the vegetable salad. But I don't think the people bumped up should be able to make the choices.

People who, because Mitch and I, Mitch Hedberg used to like, he always wanted to sit together. He would buy last minute first class tickets. And I'd be like, that could be four couches and a blender. But he's like, don't. But you were never home. You were going to put them in the fucking motorhome? No, but always don't translate money into objects is what he taught me. Because I was like, no, we could buy.

Anyway, we would go up and we'd pay and the people bumped up. It would be chicken or fish and he didn't eat fish. And by the time it got to him, it would only be fish. And he'd lose his fucking mind. This is what I found out. On Delta, at least, even number flights, the front of first class, they start at the front and move back. Right. Odd number flights, they start at the back and move forward.

Do you believe this? Yes. By the way, I need to point out to Doug's listeners. Doug doesn't buy first class. He just flies so fucking much. No, that's what I mean. There's the bumped up versus people who pay for it. He's bumped up.

Delta is the best one because you're automatically upgraded if they have open seats. For sure. If you have your status. Do you know about this, though? Because of the mergers, there's big mergers, your points are going to be less valuable. Oh, yeah. I will keep the travel portion of this podcast tight. Just stay tuned.

Next, coming up, I like to call, where's the Concorde? Oh, I used to do that. The Concorde? Yeah, like the fact that travel's gone backwards. Yeah, why don't we have the Concorde anymore? We used to have a supersonic flight, and now we don't. So it's like we've gone backwards. But now we have phones that go supersonic.

What? Yeah, no, it's getting shittier. Yeah. It should have gotten better. But why did it go out of business? When you were a kid, did you think, one of the reasons I pursued this rock star dream was to be on the Concorde?

Where's the lighter? Yeah. Did you see that whole thing about... Well, they built some new... Go ahead. No, like how all the on-time flight arrival stats, how all the airlines are... Yeah, they're building in such long flight times

that flights are getting longer so that they can say they arrive on time. Right, yeah. It looks like we're going to be at our gate a little bit early so you can sit on the tarmac because we've added the amount of time it's supposed to take because we're full of shit also always look at the gate to gate time true no but not not only that the um the the more secret one which most people don't know about is that departure time is based on when they push from the gate, not how long you sit on the tarmac.

So that's why they'll do that. Because as long as they've pushed from the gate, they can say it was on time. Yes, because if a flight is delayed more than two hours, you're allowed to rebook it. So they get you on the plane and then they close the accordion. Have you ever knocked on a plane as it drove away? Where was I? I was in Salt Lake and I got on the wrong flight. Where was I?

I was in Salt Lake and I got on the wrong flight. Remember? I called you. Because Salt Lake's basically like a sort of church schoolyard depot. Yeah,

if you're flying like the short routes, the express, whatever they're fucking, it's like a bus station. Yeah. That terminal is one weird downstairs terminal where you fly to Tucson.

And you just go to it. They put you out in this empty outdoor hallway kind of thing. Yeah. And you walk out on the tarmac. Like, okay, this is gate 75. And you go upstairs. I'd love to be able to hitchhike flights I got on the wrong flight

I got on the wrong flight and they're coming down and I'm arguing with some guy who's saying you're in my seat and I'm going fuck you

because I'm going to be quite belligerent about that sort of thing no you and and Hannigan and I both have anger issues

when we fly oh my god old people I'm like no one wants you to visit them and so the the steward

the steward person came over and said no you know you need to beat feet and so she came she took me down the ramp and then she just pointed at some plane across the tarmac and said run for it and so I was running like literally like you know

like it was a bus station that's hilarious you probably still acted indignant. Like you didn't want to let them win. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. And you know what? Having status makes you fucking more indignant.

And you go, I... Oh, my God. The minute I fly in first class... I fly coach all the time. The minute, one second I'm in first class, I'm like, those fucking animals about the people in coach. It's so easy. It is so quick to become elitist.

Like I said, I'm going, you fucking, we're just, it's fucking Disneyland Greyhound with those fucking assholes. The minute I'm in first class, even when I'm standing in first class going to coach, I'm like this. And then I go to coach and I'm real, man. But yesterday I was on a flight. I took Palm Springs to Phoenix and we got off

on the tarmac and I was the last one getting off because I dropped I was making sure I had my teeth by the way idea, million dollars if anyone wants to do it like you know ovens, like mitts with strings dentures with a clip anyway, so I got off the plane

and I went the wrong way and I became, like I was walking and I couldn't, I was like, oh my God. And I was like going into the area, like where people who work for the airlines were having cigarettes outside. And then all of a sudden. Oh, this was yesterday. This was yesterday.

Yeah, fuck yeah, you didn't tell me this yet. There was a huge alert. Like, so I was like tunneling and I'm like. Wait, this is what airport? Okay, so it was the Phoenix airport. I took, I can't remember the airline. So, but I was changing in Phoenix. I went Palm Springs to Phoenix

so you're not it's not one of the planes where you walk off and have to walk down the yeah you walk outside you're out on you are outside out in the world

yeah but I was the last person off so no one gave a shit so I just went toddling off and I didn't see the like painted lines red carpet yeah go this way

yeah and so I went somewhere different and I went into this area and I saw this guy having a cigarette and I'm like I can't believe I have to go outside and re-go through security.

And I was like, I was about to just have a cigarette with this guy. And the next thing you know, this guy came with a car. I was a security breach. They had to call TSA. And the pilot came off and was like, yeah, she was just on her flight. I'd like to know if you guys ever get recognized by the pilot, but that's another story. But the pilot goes, yeah, she's just on her flight. And the guy was like, no, I need to follow protocol. And I was like, oh, I said, if I hadn't ran into you, you wouldn't even know. So then TSA came, there was like securities, I got asked

questions. And the guy who was like following protocol, I was like, I know who you are. You're a fucking rule lover. But that wasn't good. But then he said, I work for security. And then he told me he was a mechanic, and I'm like, you lied. But anyway, it was crazy. I was surrounded by security. You're going, thank God I don't have heroin. Oh, God. Because I would have.

Do you think about that every fucking time? What? After you get busted with fucking heroin with Hedberg. No, he didn't get busted with heroin, but I got caught with an ounce of heroin in the... You did? Yeah, I get nervous talking about the story. But I had an ounce of heroin in my pocket

and I dropped it on a flight in Albuquerque, New Mexico. And on the runway, I found it. I realized I went back and I was tearing things apart and they were like what's wrong I go oh my friend gave me some tea I'm just looking for my tea this is years ago and I was looking for tea I was like um my friend gave me a souvenir and I was like tearing it apart so I couldn't find it and I was like really scared like oh shit so I was walking towards get my bag my phone rang and they said hello is this lit and I said yeah they're like the police are waiting for you at the end of the hallway.

And I got taken into the jail. I shouldn't even talk. I'm having a heart attack. What airport? It was Albuquerque. And they took me into this jail, and they had it in their hand. And they started doing tests. And I was like, oh, my god, my friend Jason gave it.

And I bullshitted my way out of. You bullshitted your way out of a heroin charge? An ounce of heroin. Well, they found it. They didn't ever find it on heroin charge? An ounce of heroin. Well, they found it. They didn't ever find it on you, so they probably realized... No, they knew it was mine, and I was like,

oh, yeah, my friend gave it. But they probably knew they had no case because they didn't find it on you. Exactly. No, they had a case. I was behind bars. Well, they had a case

if you admitted it. No, I said it was mine. Oh, Jesus. But it was back to her heroin, and I was like... Don't you... You watch, you're like, you watch first 48 and shit. I'm having a hard time. I haven't really decided to talk about this. But at the end, but I talked to him and I'm like, my friend Jason.

So I was pretending. Jason Rouse? No, it's a made up name. I was about to say that. And I called up and I was like. Jason Rouse gave you heroin? No. No, that's who she ratted out.

No, I didn't. It was the first name that came to her head. I made up my friend. Jason Rose gave this to me. Here's his Twitter handle. I don't even know who Jason Ross is. Anyway, I made up a name and I was calling my cabin.

I was like, Jason, what is with that tea? These guys think it says. So I was like talking my head of it. And then finally, and then they, they brought in these things and it,

and it must've been really bad heroin because it turned because of their there was a opiate in it it was bad heroin no but it was anyway it's just i can't even talk about it because i'm still thinking i'm gonna get arrested but um when i left i was like so can i have it and they were like don't push your luck did you really say that you did yeah because i needed it i was like. I was like, so anyway, I bet you guys feel stupid. Go push your luck. I go, you guys feel stupid. And I was like joking with him. And I got out and I went to meet Mitch.

And part of him was like, I kind of hate you that you got away with that. Like, I would never have gotten away with it. Was this after Mitch got busted? Yeah, but he never got busted. He got busted for other reasons. But he was. Don't mumble. He got busted for what?

I don't like to talk about it. Well, then, because I don't want to fucking. I've been wrong. I don't want this part You got busted for what? I don't like to talk about it. Well, then, because I don't want to fucking... I've been wrong. I don't want this part to be in the podcast. When I talk about Mitch Hedberg getting busted for heroin... You're always wrong. ...for fucking 10 years. I was wrong, and you just let me do that?

That's as bad as letting my teeth rot out of my head and never telling me. Yeah. You need the teeth spotter. Think of your listeners. What did they catch? Think of your listeners? What does that mean? They want to hear the story.

Look, all I'm saying is, I feel, and anyway, when they left, What did he get busted for? We could go to him. Oh, he just had drug paraphernalia and $100,000 in cash or something like that. Really? No, it was like $30,000.

And we were acting weird. I get stopped for having... I had one of those... Rubik's cubes? It was a safe. No, it was a safe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like an aerosol can or something.

Oh, really? And I had like seven grand in it, and they fucking caught it going through the machine, and they go, you can't have aerosols and i go i go no it's a safe and i went to show them how it unscrews and they went nuts and you can't don't do it like i'm trying to grab your bomb or something and i go no so i told them to unscrew and then they're mad about the money so then yes the seven grand they go to get a supervisor and why do you have this money? It's none of your fucking business

why I have this money. And also, you know, that's from CD money and comedians out there today, you don't need to worry about this because you're not going to sell that many CDs. Yeah, they don't sell anymore.

You can't autograph an MP3. But sometimes when you're on the road so much getting checks, we'd be like, okay, put five grand in cash because it's like, you don't even see the money. So yeah, we had a bunch of cash

and some paraphernalia and we were acting weird. hello it's america why did you get arrested for that and and that's what he got busted for his paraphernalia i remember we wrote like a fucking roach clip do people use roach clips anymore i remember getting the call from don king not theer. I don't want to talk about it. What? The leg thing. I don't care. I'm talking about it.

It's my podcast. You get beat feet. I'm done. Good night. I'm not walking. No, no, that'll be later. She'll walk out of the party for some personal slight. Let's go back to that real quick.

The only reason I walk out and fight with Doug's jean is because there's something about him that he likes to create. Like, I'll walk in the house and be like, we don't wear shoes in the house, so I'll take them out. Like, he creates impossible rules for me. Whereas, like, the cats... Don't go to bed with a hamburger in your shirt. With a lit cigarette.

See? Oh, my God. There's like, the cats here are fucking running with sparklers. They can do what you want. Your pets can do anything. I saw the dog making magnesium. I don't know. Oh, the cats are what I call them.

All I was going to say was when we got the call from Don King, evidently your friend Mitch is getting his leg amputated in Austin. I don't know what's going on. Rogan and I were filming the man show, like just a feeder. Good night. This is the man show. But we had just been doing amputee porn jokes, and then I got this call. I kind of feel a little bad about doing amputee porn jokes. And then I got this call.

I kind of feel a little bad about that amputee porn joke. I just made. Yes, I did. I got on the phone and told everyone. Is there a microphone in the bathroom? Don't we can hear everything you do in there. It echoes.

Lynn Shawcroft just left. She walked off the set. There have been famous TV interview walk-offs. Is this the first famous? This is the first walk-off of the set. Yeah.

Lynn Shawcroft just walked. She's walked off. Thank God the mics are in fucking boom stands or she would have dropped the mic and walked off to make it more dramatic. Hey, I need to throw a plug out for Dave's Killer Bread.

I don't eat healthy shit, and that was really good. So I tweeted that it was really good, and he sent me a bunch of free bread. And thanks, because I like that. That was a whole lot of bread. I gave it away to half the town, because I'm only one guy here, so I can't eat five loaves of bread before they go bad, but it was really good bread. Thank you.

Good morning, Vietnam. Bisbee, Arizona. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, Lynn Chakrav. Toileting. Come back. Thanks for having me I just want to

let you guys know in the mortal words of Mitch Hepburn you guys really leave him wanting less get over here we're going back to talking about travel

get a set time put your headphones on the audience has had enough like you know you don't I'm not going to talk yeah I was going to ask this is it right that's good no no we want to yeah we want to The audience has had enough. There we are. I'm not going to talk. Yeah, no, I was going to ask.

This is it, right? That's good. No, no, we want to wrap up. Yeah, we could wrap up on You Walked Out. We can just cut this part out and I'll go, Lynn Shawcroft just fucking walked out. She threw a drink in my face. No, no, you just leave her. We need to have this could be another cliffhanger.

Will she come back? Yeah yeah you know the you know the track record yeah oh yeah what are my views on that yeah anyway audience i hope you had a good time what are your views on that yeah walking oh i don't know like derrick and you yeah you said you had some views on Nowhere Man. Nowhere Man and Whiskey Girl. It's a very tragic story. I think they were in love. My question is, I said to you,

I said something about him committing suicide. Well, it's kind of romantic. And I said, really? Is it romantic? If he loved her so much, why did he stop loving her? And then you said something. And then I said, and you guys looked at me quizzically.

I don't know. That's a look you get quite a bit. And I like to say a touch of the down syndrome faces. And I said, well, in order to love someone, you need carbon, oxygen and hydrogen. He killed himself. He stopped loving her. How do you know that love doesn't transcend?

Transcend what? This fucking earthly body that we're stuck in you know that love doesn't transcend transcend what this black and white earthly body that no it doesn't those nice he physically stopped loving her no he was fucking her corpse i wouldn't fuck a corpse but i would play with the nipples but you know what I mean? Now maybe it took a turn for the worse. What time are we at, Shawnee? Do you think this is the worst podcast?

Let's rate this podcast. One hour. That's a perfect... We'll do a part two with Shawcroft when we start fighting. There's not going to be a fight. I'm a different lady. I know, but if you promise me that if we start getting into a fight, that we can do it on air.

Yeah. Because that's funny. But I'm not like that. I live in the moment. Bullshit. You fucking read people magazines and stuff. What does that have to do with anything? That's because you're a gossip.

I read people magazines because once in a while they cover a murder, which I'm highly interested in. So what? Maybe we murder each other. Oh, I will do another podcast if we can talk about murders. Can I tell you this? I didn't kill myself after I lost a loved one,

but I did say to my friends, if any of you have that itch to kill, just kill me and I won't, like, we'll make it so you don't know. Like, if you just...

So you're inviting your friends. It's like Bullworth. Yeah. I wanted to get murdered and I was like, is anyone out there just kind of...

If Papillon wasn't an obscure enough reference I'd just drop Bullworth in there alright so yeah we will hopefully do a part two with Shawcroft if she's in the mood but we will definitely do Brian Hennigan coming up

I would be interested in doing a travel one actually I'll do that how long were you in Nicaragua? Are we starting? No. Oh. No. Do you want to start?

No, I mean, what's the football scenario? I don't know where we are. The footy? Fucking, it's an hour. We get an hour. This is good. Are you in the mood? I'm not in the, I'm not, I'm not.

We have three days. Yeah. If we can get three podcasts in the can so these can. If I don't get, I apologize to everyone out there that I didn't put out a podcast for like a month or a month and a half, but yeah, I had some shit going on that I can't quite talk about yet.

This podcast has been brought to you by Dr. Neil McLeod. Dr. Neil McLeod. Who also as good a dentist as he is, is also an amazing poet. You can buy his books on Amazon. And here's a touch.

I bought a book off Amazon. Didn't get free. And, oh, the follow-up to the story, my third loss of my teeth at the Home Depot. There were four. There were four. But anyway, the most recent loss I lost at Home Depot, but I couldn't accept it. And I went up toada for a month to spend time with my dad and um i went up there just thinking it'll i'll find it in canada but that

didn't happen anyway um so john door phoned neil mcleod and said lynn may or may not have lost it and they said she has to fly back so then john door phoned a a local dentist where I was in Canada. I went and got it for $400. $400. See what costs $1,500 for a lost tooth in America? Only $400. So if you got nothing out of this, we're sponsored by Dr. Neil McLeod. Dr.

Neil McLeod and Canada. Yes. There'll be a part two of this podcast with Brian Hennigan. Just get back from Nicaragua. Was that a see I drunk by shit, as you can see from the patio furniture. I thought you were referring to your hired helps there. But Brian Hennigan is famous for drunk travel where he'll get on and find a really great deal that he has to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember last year you were, we'll save this. Okay. Hang on, let's just, I want to talk about, Shawcroft, you were saying? Well, just like everyone has, like, you know, my dad, the trilogent, he was alive and flew during the golden age of flying. Like, when it was nice.

Now it's just basically cattle herding. It's the Disneyland. I've also, like when old people are being put on planes, I say to them, no one wants you to visit them. Like in their ears and stuff. I go, no one's waiting for your text. They're hating it. So you're taking up space. Like, you know, the anger it can bring on you.

I'm trying to think of times I've snapped on planes. Brian's been there where he's had to, like, calm me down. Well, I mean, I don't really calm you down. I will walk away from you, though. I've walked away from you. But do you remember, I was thinking, one of the few times I snapped on the tour of Norway, we were at airport security in Norway at like 6.30 in the morning.

I walked away from you. And you walked away from me because I fucking snapped on the fucking Norwegian TSA guy. There always ends up being good cop, bad cop. When one's angry, you're not. What happened? Well, in Europe, I remember Brian was like, fuck them. I don't take my laptop out. Yeah, fuck them.

They don't notice. And the first time,'t take my laptop out. They don't notice. And the first time, I did the same thing. They didn't notice. They noticed every other fucking time. And one time... Do you know why you went batshit? It's always because you're drunk. No, yeah, it's because it was 6.30 in the morning in the Norwegian tour.

Yeah. What was the... Yeah, there's so many... I'm trying to think about snapping on the plane. Yeah. What was the, yeah, there's so many. Snap. I'm trying to think about snapping on the plane. I got separated once on the Southwest. Mimic got separated because he wanted me to sit on a wet thing. We had a fight. We got separated.

He was at the back and I was at the front. And then the fucking Southwest people did a quiz. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? You're doing a quiz and we were separated. Like airlines, just so you know, we don't like your songs. Have you ever had pure rage? I'd fight with myself about the Southwest thing. They're trying to be goofy.

I appreciate that. But it's also like being forced to sit at an open mic. Yes. So it depends on your mood. Like if you're in a good mood, you go ahead. And you want to give it to the others. This is a true pre-9-11 story where I got on. I was one of the first to board on a Southwest airline, and they had put one of the flight attendants in the overhead compartment,

and then she came out of it. That's amazing. And now it's fucking hilarious. Oh, my God. That's amazing. But it's back before flying was just a battle of you against the state. Right, right. This is one of my favorite ones, pre-9-11, right?

There used to be an airline in the UK called Air UK. Small regional flights. They flew these really nice British Aerospace 146 planes that are really small. And they have four engines. So they're small jets and they go fucking straight up but the point is Air UK, I turned up once late for a flight

it's like the flight's at 5, I'm there at the counter at 4.45 the girl picks up the phone and says will you accept a have a go and I'd never heard this and then phone and says, will you accept a have-a-go? And I'd never heard this. And then

the answer was clearly yes. This was at Stansted Airport in London, or serves London. And she gave me a bit of paper that said, have-a-go passenger, which basically meant I was going to attempt to get onto the flight,

and they were all rooting for me. Oh, my God. And here's something that you never get told in an airport. Again, she said, run. Well, like, you was a have-a-go. Yeah, and here's the thing. Not since O.J. Simpson. Yeah, and the thing was,

because it was a very sort of British Dunkirk spirit thing, all the security that existed at that time had been alerted that there was a have-a-go passenger on the way. And you're running through the security and they're going, good luck, sir. With a salute. With a salute. You can do it. It's like cold it's or something. That's hilarious.

And it's like, have a go. I've still got somewhere the bit of paper that says, have a go, passenger. Hoarder. That's so funny. Yeah, you have a go, hoarder. I remember snapping recently where I was just miserable. Yeah.

When you're annoying is when you snap because you're miserable. It's like acid. They haven't done it. It'll take on the thing that you have when you take it. Yeah, or tequila, whatever. But they were doing a sales pitch. That's where they get the fucking airline credit card. And they're passing them out, coming down.

And they do an elongated sales pitch. Like, it's fucking time. Oh, it's furious. And I go, yeah, no, I'd like one. What's the annual fee? Like, I started, like, well, you're going to sell me. You're going to fucking give me the whole sales pitch. I want to know the annual APR on this.

I go, what? I just started asking. What's the cancellation window? I'm obviously being a dick. Yeah. I go, if you're going to wake me up with a sales pitch, yeah, you're going to give me the whole thing, sir. Whatever.

I remember one lady saying, do you want to be on this flight? Because I was being a cunt before we took off. Oh, it was because I was in a bulkhead where you can't have anything at your feet. Right. Because there's no seat in front of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had a sandwich in a bag. I go, it's a, I didn't say

fucking. You know, you mouth out the, it's a sandwich. Yeah. But you get the... It's a sandwich. But you get the F for the F word that you're implying. But you're treated so badly. Flying after 9-11 was awful. And I thought, by the time you get on to... I've said to an airline steward, I go,

if I bought a $1,000 TV... If you went and bought a $1,000 TV, imagine being treated like shit. They're so far removed from you paying for something. They think it's a privilege. You're like, I paid $800 for these tickets. Whereas if they, I said, if you in ever

your life could buy something for $800, imagine you being treated like shit because it's like they don't think of you as buying something. It's such a different thing. Doug's giving out cigarettes. No, I was paying for the cigarettes. Oh, I hate getting caught smoking on a flight. Have you ever smoked on a flight?

No, but I did see this deaf couple. Mitch and I were flying and there was this deaf couple and they went and smoked in the bathroom and when they got caught, they were like... Well played. Were they a deaf couple or was that their pay? They were, but they used that, yeah.

Yeah, hey, let's do the old, do the deaf thing. They were like. That's a fucking great way out. Yeah. Hey, try that. You know what? Email me with your scams and canoodlings of the system, because I fucking love nothing more than those stories.

Canoodlings of the system. Because I fucking love nothing more than those stories. I remember my cousin Grant, before he drank himself to death, him and his friend, they needed a bolt cutter. So his friend went in the hardware store, picked up some bolt cutters, brought them to the counter and said, do I need a receipt to return these? They go, yeah, you do. He goes, okay, I'll be back. Just left. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah scams are great i i wouldn't you realize when

because you go through life you realize how many now that like just acting like you could do scam works yeah yeah no just confidence that's why they call it con art is yeah who doesn't who doesn't love a con artist? Are you ever, because you're a great bullshitter too. No. Are you ever afraid of your powers of bullshit? No. I'm a fucking great liar.

If I were evil. I don't use it enough. I'm mad that I don't use it enough. I feel like everyone knows what you're thinking, so I'm always like, okay. But that's when it's for your own self-benefit. Right. But to scam other people.

Are you a good salesman? No. I can't sell. But I'm a great fucking liar. He's a great liar. Really? Are you lying right now? No, he's a really good liar. Yeah, I play it.

It's like a pool game. I'm playing three shots ahead. If I wanted somebody to lie for me and my life was on the line, I'd want Doug Stanhope. My thing is I'm just too searching for the truth, man. Like, I can't. But I've always said that I've built

whatever career I've had. I want to end it on a huge lie. Well, I know, but the problem is you always want to let the cat out of the bag as well. That's why I'm the worst. I'm the biggest gossip. I've said to you a number of these long-term scams. I'll go along with that, and I know that the weakness and the

link is you. Just that stack of... Everyone, when I put out those, hey, steal shit from work and send it to Bingo at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, there's no way to thank you, but I just did that again, and Bingo's out of town for the week

visiting her friend in Virginia, and there is a stack underneath the fake little Christmas tree that's still set up that's three and a half foot tall. I want to talk to the losers that send this shit. They're all losers. Yeah, they are losers. They steal shit from work

and they send... Half of those envelopes are probably fucking post-it notes. Or as I like to say, the decimation of the Amazon forest. Someone stole the... This is a the Amazon forest. Someone stole the phone from the cubicle of the guy next to him because he hated that guy and mailed it on the company dime. I immediately thought of the British office of that guy getting his thing stolen.

The guy just sat down looking for his phone. One of the best was a UPS, probably the best, the funniest, was a UPS driver who was quitting his job anyway. So he took this scanner, which was like an obsolete one that they can't replace and the only one, and mailed it through UPS on UPS's dime. And yeah, and then quit.

But you know what? I'm glad that the costs are going down to you people. Every time a stamp goes up, think of what bingo's getting Yeah, but it's creating jobs because someone has to build a new fucking scanner. Fair enough, fair enough.

That's one thing I don't understand. You know what I like about UPS? The initials? No, isn't that as if I was at FedEx? What? The Hedberg thing.

Oh, drug dealer and you don't even know. Oh, yeah. It used to be... Was it UPS or FedEx? It was FedEx. I can't believe it. No, it's UPS.

No, I'm a FedEx driver. No, the UPS man is a drug dealer and doesn't even know it. I'll fucking bet you money. $1,200. Oh, yeah. Take it. Take it. $1,200.

Take it. On a recording. $1,200. On an album. On an album. $1,200. People, we are shaking hands. Shaking hands. $1,200. $1,200. On an album. On an album. $1,200. People, we are shaking hands. Shaking hands.

$1,200. $1,200. Whoa! We're in the money. If you lose this. I'll pay you. I know, but you're going to look like a dick. I'll pay you four times.

And there'll be a fight. And there'll be a fight. Audience, who do you think has this right? The person that used the FedEx driver as a drug dealer. Oh, my God. Don't say that on the phone. I mean on the line. driver as a drug dealer. Oh, my God. Don't say that on the phone. I mean, on the line. I didn't do it.

At some point, it became Pavlovian. You'd see a FedEx driver, and you'd be like, hmm. UPS, man. No, I swear it's... I like my drugs to have a truck. I'm going to go with UPS. I'm going with UPS. You know why?

I'm about to win $20,000. You know why? Because, no, because I never saw Mitch live. I've only ever heard that bit okay and here we have two other assholes trying to rewrite the mitch headberg jokes and people you can't do it i shouldn't do this joke because it's gonna it's gonna ruin my cover but i like the ubs driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it and he's't even know it.

And he's always on time. I didn't mean to. I sounded too aggressive. I can't believe you called me an asshole. When he loves to be called an arsehole. We'll have the Mitch Hedberg trivia show. That'd be funny. Oh, that'd be a great show.

I don't have a girlfriend, but I have a girl that would be very upset if she heard me say that. That's a great joke. Oh, I know the girl. Yeah. I know the girl. The very first time I saw Mitch Hedberg live, he got up and did that one only joke. But what I wanted to have in West Hollywood, I want to have like a plaque on that wall in West Hollywood where he came up with that joke about when he's playing tennis with you.

Ah. About this is where the Mitch Hedberg... I will never be as good as a wall. Yeah, he used my name. He switched up the names a lot. But when he did Letterman, he used my name. Poinsettia Park. That's another Mitch Hedberg trivia.

There is a Dufresne. He always used his friend's names. One time he was on Letterman and he went, my friend isn't on letterman so i'm just gonna say his name brian hersey and then he got in trouble for that what's the connection between shawshank redemption and mitch headberg you just said it the hero of shawshank redemption is andy dufresne oh you have a have a lot of Shawshank Redemption. I love Shawshank Redemption.

People love that movie. You used to call me Shawshank yourself. Oh, yeah. Shawpoop, Shawshank. But with you, we call it the Shawcroft Resumption. The Shawshank Denigration. That's mean. All right.

This is turning into a fucking Brandon Walsh thing. This is a short. We could do podcast shorts. I also want to do another one on autopsies. This is just a mini. I'll just do a... This is a mid-week update. 14 minutes.

This is an hour and 14 minute podcast. This is the added bonus let's put an Easter what is you know when they say they have Easter eggs and things what is that

listen we're gonna close yeah and then I'm gonna do some fake drops oh yeah so it segues better how quickly will this go out

I don't know today yeah we can put it on yeah we can drop box this and put it out today no no mention the new we've got the new sam diegel gig oh yeah can i put it no just go to my save i fucking hate when

people drop dates because i don't listen to i like bill burr that's a good point yeah yeah go to my website dougstandup.com and find dates and get on the fucking mailing list. Yeah, register. Because we do some last minute shit that's like... Can I ask one thing right now as payment for this? I'm not going to ask for money other than the $1,200 you're going to pay me for that bet. Can I please have two tickets for two good guys that are coming in for your Long Beach show? I'll pay cash.

Is it? It's sold out. But you just... I was in the middle of the most passionate part of this whole goddamn podcast. If they're on the mailing list. They are. They are. And this is a guy that used to come to Mitchell's shows years ago, and I promised him.

They might be standing. Tell him that. Let's not add this. Let's not add this. It's too late. It's already added. The point is, get on the mailing list, because we do weird shows. You never are fucking nice to me.

You never give me a chance on anything. Yes, I'll get your goddamn friends. Any fucking time I ask for anything special, if you know it's special to me, you're the type of person that keeps people's weaknesses. You wait for people's weaknesses. I like to call him

he has a Rolodex of your weaknesses and he'll bring them out any fucking time. Yeah. I was just trying to start a fight. Oh, I see. He has a Rolodex of your weaknesses, and he'll bring them out any fucking time. Yeah. Yeah. I was just trying to start a fight. Oh, I see. Hey, can you get on the fucking mailing list? Because a lot of times, like road tripping,

I just did this maniacal, I left Christmas Day, I woke up in a panic. It was one of those nights where you had so much fun that you assume you had to have hurt someone's feelings or done something wrong and i read into that what you want and we did it in the in the actual house not the fun house so all the destruction is right there in your face and it's litter and fucking garbage and stacks of leftovers and everyone brought a thing and they're all there and i don't know and i just took one of my dogs and i drove for fucking four days up to northern nevada and like it was if if

i had a bigger if you guys would be on my fucking mailing list i gotta go hey i'll do a show in hawthorne nevada on a fucking christmas yeah well how is that tied into your mailing list? Because it's all fucking Twitter and Facebook and you tweet something and maybe What do people get when you're on the mailing list? They put it in. They'll get updates of the dates. Well, if I do a weird show, I might be in your fucking... Are you willing to offer this?

A recorded fart every third Thursday and you'll send it out. You're really making it hard to wrap this up. I'm trying to start a fight. We're going to fight later. We have all weekend. And this fucking equipment set up.

And if Shawnee will just show him which button to hit. Can we thank the cool Shawnee? Here's one thing about Shawnee. Shawnee is always great. Here's a tidbit about Shawnee. We don't have to thank him. He's on the clock.

He's getting paid. Chaley, I have to fucking thank him because he does all the... But Shawnee, you know how to wear cotton. Take that as you will. Is that a racial joke? Yeah, I don't know. I'm fucking believable. You know how to pick. I mean, no.

Shawnee, did you have anything you wanted to add? You've been standing there for two hours. Shawnee, do you have any brothers and sisters? No, they know. Oh, that's right. Alright, that's a podcast. Good night, everybody. I love Douglas Jean. I'm fond of Brian Hennigan.

We're sponsored by the Bill Burr Monday Morning Podcast. Thank you. Listen to that one. I do. Trying to get better at this. I'm thinking about starting a podcast called Who Are You? I wear a mask and my friends come in and ask questions. Thanks for listening.

Thank you. We'll be back next week with whatever we talk about in an hour. Okay, bye. Play the Matoid. You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live in Bisbee, Arizona, with Doug Stanhope, Brian Hennigan, and the always delightful Lynn Shawcroft.

Engineered by Shani, edited by me, Shaley. Intro music by Mishka Shubali, and the closing number by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes. Stay up to date with all of Doug's road dates by signing up for the mailing list at dougstanhope.com. If you enjoyed the podcast, tell a friend, send a link, make a t-shirt. Every little bit helps. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you at the merch table. Howl your howls and suck your socks, it's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time

Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks, it's party time One more Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time Here we go Party time Party time Party time

Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time Party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, party time, hey! Party time, yeah! Party time!